Hercules: The Legendary Journeys

Autolycus:
All men think they're fascinating- in my case, it's justified.

Hercules:
What are you doing here?

Iolaus:
What do you mean?

Hercules:
Iolaus, you're dead.

Iolaus:
Yeah, well, I was kinda hoping you wouldn't notice.

Iolaus:
Have you ever been wrong?

Hercules:
I thought so once, but I was wrong.

Ares:
I can't believe you have these mortals convinced that you're this "Kevin Sorbo" character.

Hercules:
Some people just aren't ready for the truth.

Autolycus:
Of course I care about the needs of the people... I happen to be one of them.

Autolycus:
Ah, my fame spread like wildfire.

Iolaus:
No, more like a bad rash.

Hercules:
Rumor has it that Otis stole it from a warlord who had stolen it from someone else.

Autolycus:
So much for honor among thieves; gives us all a bad name.

Autolycus:
Gadzooks, if I were a woman I'd kiss myself!

Iolaus:
The truth hurts doesn't it.

Autolycus:
Yeah, so does my fist.

Loki:
Rage makes a poor tactician.

[Iolaus tries to fight a giant eel by himself]

Lydia:
How do you expect to win?

Iolaus:
You just keep going until something clever occurs to you.

[after bopping a thug in the face with his own forehead]

Salmoneus:
Ahh! How do people do that without getting headaches?

[Hercules is walking through a cavern where dozens of Arachne's cocooned victims are bound in spider's web]

Hercules:
This is one big web site.

Trojan Fugitive:
[poking a spear at a trembling bush] Come out, spy!

Weyland the Slave:
[standing up indignantly] I'm not a spy! I'm a slave!

Trojan Fugitive:
We do not accept slaves in Troy.

Weyland the Slave:
That's all right. I'm used to prejudice.

Hercules:
Once you have harpies you can't get rid of them.

Autolycus:
I hate to break it to you, big guy, you've got harpies.

Gabrielle:
[In an alternative world where Xena has conquered the Known World and Gabrielle is her prisoner] I gave voice to the people - the fearful, starving, the ones who disappeared in the night, never to be seen again. Have you no dignity? No rights? A right to live, to be free from harm?

Xena:
I guess they don't hear your voice.

Gabrielle:
I'm not the only one. You can't break our spirit.

Xena:
The cure for spirit is fear.

Sin:
See, Tartarus is too good for some people. When Hades finds a special case, he sends them to me.

Iolaus:
Man, you were so ugly when you were possessed.

Hercules:
I was?

Iolaus:
Oh yeah. Horns, and all those things in your face, I mean, ugh! You don't do possession very well.

Hercules:
Hey, you didn't look too hot when you were possessed, either.

Iolaus:
Yeah, but I was dead!

Iolaus:
Don't you get tired of being right all the time?

Hercules:
Uh - no.

Hemnor:
My village lives in fear, in terror of a monster that lives in the forest.

Hercules:
A monster?

Iolaus:
We do monsters! Wait, it's not slimy though, is it?

Hemnor:
No, it's not slimy, it's kind of ... a doe.

Iolaus:
A deer?

Hercules:
A female deer?

Hercules:
[Right after Salmoneus fell from the tree] How'd you get up there, anyway?

Salmoneus:
Some lunatic Cyclops kicked me in the rear and sent me flying.

Imuru:
I beg your pardon. Are you the one they call Hercules?

Iolaus:
[sotto voce] Among other things

Iolaus:
Well, that's it. We go down in history as the guys that ticked off ALL the gods.

Hercules:
If something is worth doing, it's worth doing well.

Paul Robert Coyle:
There's something really funny going on around here.

Liz Friedman:
Not in this episode, there isn't.

Ares:
And I've always wanted to say this, but... you will never work in this town again!

Norma Bates:
Let's go!

B.S. Hollingfoffer, Studio Head:
You haven't seen the last of me! Wherever there is television, there will always be B.S!

Kevin Sorbo:
[sotto voce] You got that right!

Melissa Blake:
Excuse me, but doesn't it worry anyone that the god of war is REAL?

Jerry Patrick Brown:
I find it kind of comforting, myself.

Liz Friedman:
I wonder if he's interested in his own spinoff.

Ares:
[looking up to the sky] ARE THERE NO MORE HEROES?

Hercules:
Hey, you've got us.

[Ares vomits]

Ares:
Mark my words ...

Hercules:
[imitating Ares] You'll pay for this, Hercules!

[Ares turns to Iolaus, tries to speak]

Iolaus:
[imitating Ares] We'll meet again, little brother!

[Ares turns to Hercules]

Hercules:
[imitating Ares] You're on my list, Hercules!

[in his normal voice to Iolaus]

Hercules:
Did we forget anything?

[Iolaus shrugs. Ares sobs, and walks off dejected]

Highwayman:
Maybe you don't count so well. There's six of us and there's two of you.

Hercules:
Good point. Iolaus, what do you think? Six to two?

Iolaus:
Well, it's not really fair. Maybe we should let them go.

Hercules:
You can go! [fight starts]

Hercules:
Ares. Why do I get the feeling you're behind this?

Ares:
Oh, I wish! The irony is delicious. You in the pokey, put here by the same boresome mortals you insist on protecting. I'm sorry, I just find that priceless.

Spencius:
Hercules means well, but we can't ignore the facts. Around him, because of what he does, people die. A lot. He causes others to reach beyond their abilities. He admits his dislike of the gods and encourages us all to ignore their edicts. He disrupts our order, our perfect order. Think of the effect on future generations. Heroism. Follow your heart. Do what you think is best. It corrupts our youth. It puts the future of our great city-state in peril. It's treason!

Hercules:
I have resisted the gods, because instead of helping us, they interfere with us. And I have bent the law when my heart tells me it's unjust, because justice is not about the letter of the law, but the spirit. And I do try to inspire others to be everything they are capable of being. If this is sedition, then I am guilty.

Hercules:
But there is something more on trial here. The hero. A hero is a person who's not afraid to risk his life for another. And sometimes, like Kazankus, it means losing that life. It's what separates us from the animals and from the gods who would like us to believe we are less than we are. And that is why we all need heroes, to set a higher standard that others can aspire to. If I'm guilty of this, then I'm proud of it. If this is sedition, then I'm proud of that too and you might as well sentence me, because I won't stop trying to do what's right. My heart won't allow it. If this is wrong, take me now.

Iolaus:
No, take me. I am Hercules. I think like him, I try to be like him. If you think what he's doing is wrong, you'll have to banish me too.

Jason:
No, take me. I am Hercules. [others chime in, claiming to be Hercules as well]

Galea:
I am Hercules.

Judge:
Don't say it! If we proceed, I shall have to banish myself, also. I am Hercules! Case dismissed.

Soldier:
[Soldiers have been formed up for a while] 'Hurry up and wait! Hurry up and wait.' You'd think the army would be different once you're DEAD!

Iolaus II:
You sure you guys were friends?

Hercules:
The best!

Iolaus II:
You sound like you drove each other crazy.

Hercules:
That's what friends are for.

Mnemosyne:
Make no mistake about it, Hercules. I despise them both. But if Dahok succeeds, I won't live to see the day that Zeus kneels before me!

Hercules:
Yeah, well, it's good to have goals.

Hercules:
[facing a pit he has to cross by stepping on the ends of narrow upright logs] Who makes these things?

The Widow Twanky:
[to Cupcake and Autolycus] What are you doing?

Cupcake:
I was just stroking his poodle.

The Widow Twanky:
[to Cupcake] Go to your room! You're dripping all over the floor!

Hercules:
[facing group of thugs] Okay, guys, look, we can do this the hard way or we can do this the easy way. [pause as thugs prepare to attack him] Nobody ever wants to do it the easy way.

Iolaus II:
[fighting thugs] I think I'm getting good at this!

Hercules:
Well, practice makes perfect! [he sees another thug coming] And here comes more practice.

Iolaus:
Aren't you going to stick around for the official announcement?

Autolycus:
Oh, no. You haven't seen me cry. Believe me, it's not a pretty sight.

Iolaus:
You're going to be okay, aren't you?

Autolycus:
Oh, sure, eventually. All I have left right now is one shiny memory. [Autolycus leaves; Hercules and Iolaus look at each other, then rush to where the Sapphire of Antioch is displayed. The jewel is gone]

Hercules:
One shiny blue memory!

Iolaus:
Herc, wait. You know, things have gone so badly for him, why don't we let him keep it for a while?

Hercules:
Yeah, you're right. [they pause a few moments] Okay, that's long enough! [they rush after Autolycus]

Arthur:
[after a ground tremor] Did the earth move for you?

Morrigan:
You wish!

Iolaus:
[thinking up a plan, whispers] Take your dress off!

Lydia:
[incredulously] Couldn't that wait until *after* you rescue us?

Iolaus:
Take it off!

Lydia:
[slap]

Antigone:
[to Hercules] Don't you have a monster to slay?

Hercules:
If you really wanted to end your life, there are easier ways to do it.

Antigone:
But none as fun.

Ares:
Virgins. Gotta love 'em - and I mean that.

Hercules:
Goody, now my day is complete. I thought you'd outgrown virgin sacrifices.

Ares:
What can I say? I'm a child at heart. Truth is, I didn't ask for this. Mortals have been kind of irritable lately. I don't know what's gotten into them. But I'm not the kind to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Hercules:
Come on. Like you didn't start all this trouble?

Ares:
No, they're doing it all on their own. And I think they could go ALL THE WAY! I am so proud!

Hercules:
Enjoy it while it lasts. I'm about to stop it.

Ares:
Oh, that's new.

Thor:
What are you doing here?

Hercules:
Looks like I'm saving your life.

Thor:
Leave me alone!

Hercules:
No, no, please don't bother to thank me. Just the sight of your cheerful face is all the reward I need.

Thor:
These chains were forged by Odin himself. No god of Asgard can break them.

Hercules:
Well, looks like a half-god from Greece can.

Thor:
You would have killed your own brother?

Loki:
Oh, don't be jealous! I would've *killed* you *next*!

Lea:
Aren't you going to help Hercules?

Iolaus:
Nah.

Iolaus:
It's not every day I meet a beautiful woman that wants to wash my back.

Xena:
Oh, I will do more for you than that, Iolaus... much more.

Iolaus:
You do this for all your warriors?

Xena:
Only special ones.

Iolaus:
Oh. I hope there aren't too many of those.

Xena:
Right now, there's just you.

Villager:
[about Xena] She just wants to write her name across history in big bloody letters.

Iolaus:
Oh, there's nothing like a bit of exercise to get the old blood flowing.

Hercules:
Speak for yourself.

Iolaus:
Oh, come on, don't tell me you didn't enjoy it, Hercules. I saw that look on your face!

Hercules:
Well, then you better remember it, because I'm not gonna wear it again.

Zeus:
You're the champion of mankind, in a world that's frequently not fair and always not easy.

Young Jason:
If he's Apollo, how is it that I can see him?

Apollo:
Hey, when you've got it, flaunt it.

Alcmene:
Hercules, you can stand there with that look on your face or you can sit down and enjoy the day with me.

Hercules:
You are so stubborn!

Alcmene:
Where do you think you get it from?

Iolaus:
Get Nemesis first! I'll take my chances!

Hercules:
I'd say your chances are close to zero.

Iolaus:
Yeah? Well, it's better than nothing!

Xena:
Let me go. There's so much of my life I have to make amends for. I've got to get started.

Hercules:
I wish you'd let me help

Xena:
You already have. You unchained my heart.

Xena:
Are you a biographer or a bad comedian or have you dreamed up some other get rich scheme?

Salmoneus:
How about love slave. I've versatile.

Xena:
Your deluded.

Nebula:
I love a good convention, but this one is getting out of hand!

Hercules:
Well, Iolaus, this is another fine mess you've gotten us into.

Iolaus:
What in Tartarus is that?

Hercules:
It's some sort of cocoon.

Iolaus:
What for? A giant butterfly?

Hercules:
Somehow I don't think it's going to turn out to be that friendly. [scream is heard offstage]

Iolaus:
How come you're always right?

Hercules:
It's a half-god thing.

Serena:
[hears a noise, shoots into the bushes, Hercules comes out holding her arrow] Oops.

Hercules:
Shoot first and ask questions later?

Serena:
It's my Ares training.

Hercules:
Like I said, shoot first and ask questions later.