House M.D.

Dr. Gregory House:
Trouble in paradise. 2 o'clock.

Dr. Wilson:
Wait, your 2 o'clock or my 2 o'clock?

Dr. Gregory House:
Over there!

[repeated line]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[to House] You need a lawyer.

[repeated line]

Dr. Gregory House:
Everybody lies.

[repeated line]

Dr. Gregory House:
We're missing something.

[to Cuddy]

Dr. Gregory House:
Relax, I have just the thing to cheer you up... we're being sued!

Dr. Wilson:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Robert Chase:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Thirteen:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Chris Taub:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Jeffrey 'Big Love' Cole:
Maybe it's Auto Immune...

Dr. Gregory House:
If someone says Auto Immune, you're fired!

Dr. Gregory House:
Technology is overrated.

Dr. Gregory House:
Even a drunk with a flair for the dramatic can tell himself he's an angel.

Dr. Gregory House:
A unicorn isn't a unicorn, it's a donkey with a plunger stuck to its face.

Dr. Gregory House:
The eyes can mislead, a smile can lie, but shoes always tell the truth.

Lucas Douglas:
I'm sorry. It's hard to pace yourself when you've been thinking about it for 10 hours straight.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
That's great. Now I'm late, stressed out and frustrated!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You're an idiot. What do you do the next time one of your patients needs a liver transplant?

Dr. Gregory House:
Go talk to Wilson about something completely unrelated and see what happens.

Sanford Wells:
[to Cuddy] The negotiation is your responsibility. So we can't stop you if this is what you want to do. But just so we're clear, if we don't have a contract with Atlantic Net, you're not gonna have a contract with us.

Dr. James Wilson:
You ask House? He's a master manipulator who always gets what he wants.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
The situation is out of control enough already. House is the *last* person I want involved.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
While Atlantic Net Insurance has a marketing budget that's more than our Pediatric's ICU and Transplant Units combined, your PGA sponsorship could pay for our Walk-In Clinic. And the money you spend to fuel your two private jets could fund our air ambulance service for the next 3 years.

Tannenbaum:
Your point being?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Your growth may be good for your bottom line. But ours allows us to save lives. And I would rather not have to announce to the press how selective your company appears to be when it comes to cutting costs.

Tannenbaum:
Morgan was right... You are one tough gal... You can portray me as a rich bastard in the press all you want, just as long as I stay rich.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[Finding House getting a massage in his office] What?

Dr. Gregory House:
Would you rather I go back on vicodin?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
She's not massaging your leg.

Dr. Gregory House:
She will... eventually.

Stan:
You b*tch. [Cuddy turns around] I didn't think you'd actually do it.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I told you I would.

Stan:
Call the dogs off. [Hands her a new contract] You got your 12. Congratulations. [Stan leaves]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
YES!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
They should be pressuring other hospitals to be more like us, not trying to make us more like them. It's stupid!

Dr. Gregory House:
Putting your job on the line in an effort to stamp out stupidity isn't?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You would.

Dr. Gregory House:
Probably... But then I also wanted to try to cure cancer by infecting a guy with Malaria to win a $50 bet. You really want to be like me?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I took care of it.

Dr. Dave Thomas:
It's not an "it." It's a "him" you need to take care of. You've got the entire staff catering to his every whim and I can't get approval to hire a replacement for the surgeon he stole from my department. A doctor I only took on in the first place because of pressure from you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
So you didn't want Chase, but now you're pissed you can't have him?

Dr. Robert Chase:
It was his *thumb*! I couldn't just let him toss in the trash to save a few bucks.

Dr. James Wilson:
How's it going?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Got 3 hours to save this place from bankruptsy, I just fired one of my best employees, and the woman taking care of my sick child isn't returning my calls.

Dr. James Wilson:
Rache's going to be fine. I'm sure whoever he or she is, deserves it. And we're not going backrupt, are we?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Don't worry the board will fire me before they allow that to happen.

Dr. James Wilson:
They'd never fire you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[Quietly] I just told Atlantic Net Insurance I'd terminate unless they gave us a 12% bump.

Dr. James Wilson:
They might fire you.

Dr. Gregory House:
Hey Wilson! I'm gonna cut some cripple's eye out. Wanna come watch?

Dr. Wilson:
Good times.

Dr. Wilson:
Just looking at you hurts. I'm going to order up some extra pain medicine.

Dr. Gregory House:
I love you.

Dr. Gregory House:
I think I will miss you most of all, ridiculously old fraud.

Amber Volakis:
Why did you page me?

Dr. Gregory House:
Because if I pooped myself in front of Wilson, I'd never hear the end of it.

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't have to go to Detroit to know it smells!

Thirteen:
Forget the lecture! Just *fire* me already!

Dr. Gregory House:
if I were going to fire you, I'd have done it already. That's why the lecture... I *know* it's not going to happen again.

[handing over his cane to Amber]

Dr. Gregory House:
Would you mind holding my metaphor for a second?

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
Wait, how do you want us to split up?

Dr. Gregory House:
Good question, Overly Excited Former Foster Kid. There's ten of you. I was thinking six against six... no wait...

Dr. Wilson:
Interestingly, the rain in Spain doesn't actually fall in the plain all that much.

Dr. Gregory House:
[shouting over Cuddy to Wilson's office] Hey Wilson, I'm gonna cut some cripple's eye out! Wanna come watch?

Dr. Wilson:
[opens office door] Good times.

Dr. Robert Chase:
This isn't Cuddy. Your Jedi mind tricks won't work here.

Dr. Gregory House:
[waves his hand in front of Chase] These aren't the droids you're looking for.

Lulu:
They're gonna run out of air. I'm happy to kill my daughter, but I feel a little awkward about killing your son.

Dr. Chris Taub:
[Sarcastically] Wow. The case of the really bad flu.

Dr. Gregory House:
Hmm. Let's see did I leave anything out? Oh yeah - smallpox.

Martha Masters:
...Smallpox was eradicated over 30 years ago.

Dr. Gregory House:
So were hush puppies. Have you checked out your local hipster coffee shop lately?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Smallpox doesn't exist outside of P4 labs and bioweapon plants.

Martha Masters:
Vaccine will protect if you don't have it, and lessen the severity if you already do. But - but it's a billion to one so - we don't want you to panic or anything.

Lulu:
How do I not panic with that information?

Dr. James Wilson:
[to House] You were an idiot for lying to her in the first place. Don't be more of an idiot now. Say nothing to no one about anything - that includes me.

Dr. Gregory House:
Would you ever be extra nice to a theoretical boyfriend, if you were really mad at him?

Martha Masters:
I guess the only reason I would be extra nice is because I'm angry, and I just want him to go away so I don't have to deal with him any more.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Thinking of Cuddy] You passive/aggressive b*tch!

Martha Masters:
You just asked me!

Dr. Gregory House:
You know how you can tell there's nothing to be done? Chase showed up.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I was here at 9.

Dr. Robert Chase:
So if he responds to treatment, that proves he doesn't have smallpox.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Then what does the daughter have?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Damn. I was hoping you weren't gonna ask me that. Can we please just focus on the disease we've just diagnosed, and can treat?

Dr. Dave Broda:
[House enters a sealed chamber] Hey! You're insane!

Dr. Gregory House:
But I'm right!

Dr. Dave Broda:
I hope you are. Because I can't let you out now.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[to House] I don't care right now that you lied to me. I want you to stay alive.

Sam Carr:
The reason I did the wrong thing was because I was trying to get you to do the right thing. Your mommy and your lamby both really need you to get better. So... do you think that... you could be brave... do the right thing?

Eve:
I'll try.

Martha Masters:
Would it kill us to talk it through?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Kill us? No. Save House? Also no.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's kind of hard to do an autopsy in oven mitts.

Martha Masters:
Take 'em off.

Dr. Gregory House:
Says the woman standing behind two panes of glass.

Martha Masters:
Do you believe me? Forget me. Do you believe you? You think it's rickettsial pox, don't you? If it is, it's curable and she's gonna die unless we can prove it.

Dr. Gregory House:
You really are annoying!

Dr. Gregory House:
Thanks for calling back. Listen, I'm a screenwriter. And is it theoretically possible for smallpox to survive for more than 200 years underwater in a sealed glass jar?

CDC Personnel:
Well, theoretically, yes, but...

Dr. Gregory House:
Thank you. [hangs up] So who do we believe, the CDC or Dr. 90210?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
It's the middle of the night in the Netherlands. Nobody's working.

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, you can always find someone.

Geerte:
Oh, yes. My name is Geerte. Are you handsome sexiest American man?

Dr. Gregory House:
Well, you know, some people... I would say that I am, yeah. I want you to translate something for me.

Geerte:
Why you want I translate? I do topless, toys, and...

Dr. Eric Foreman:
We should test for the 21st century suspects. Varicella, measles...

Dr. Gregory House:
You're free to perform whatever unnecessary tests you want, Foreman. Slavery was abolished years ago.

Dr. Robert Chase:
How's an inmate on death row get his hands on heroin?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Are you serious?

Dr. Gregory House:
Man knows prisons. When we got a yachting question, we'll come to you.

Dr. Gregory House:
Prep Clarence for surgery.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Care to share with the class?

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, come on. Do I have to spell it out for you? Pheochromocytoma. Actually, I'm not sure how you spell it.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
What is it, Clarence?

Clarence:
My gut!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Would you describe it as a shooting pain? A throbbing pain? Or maybe an imaginary pain because you don't want to back to prison?

Dr. Gregory House:
Wilson's a fool. I'm an idiot.

Stacy Warner:
I met Mark at a fundraiser that happened to be held at a...

Dr. Gregory House:
You met me at a strip club.

Stacy Warner:
You were the worse two dollars I ever spent.

James:
You can't go in there.

Dr. Gregory House:
Who are you and why are you wearing a tie?

James:
I'm Dr. Cuddy's new assistant. Can I tell her what it's regarding?

Dr. Gregory House:
Yes. I would like to know why she gets a secretary and I don't.

James:
I'm her assistant, not her secretary. I graduated from Rutgers.

Dr. Gregory House:
Hmm. I didn't know they had a secretarial school. Well I hope you took some classes in sexual harassment law. Does the word 'ka-ching' mean anything to you? I'm going in now.

Dr. James Wilson:
Do you know why people are *nice* to other people?

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, I know this one! Uh, because people are good, decent, and caring. Either that or people are cowards. If I'm mean to you, you'll be mean to me. Mutually-assured destruction.

Dr. Robert Chase:
No lesions, no aneurysms. Ironically, the mind of a killer looks completely normal.

[Cameron has just left the room]

Clarence:
Oof. That's the finest piece I seen in ten years.

Dr. Gregory House:
I coulda hit that.

Clarence:
And you didn't?

Dr. Gregory House:
Eh.

Clarence:
Then you're the one that should be locked up.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Dr. Cuddy] What's with hiring a male secretary? J-Date not working out?

[to House]

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I'm over you. I've jumped on the bandwagon. I hate you, okay?

Dr. Gregory House:
Look I know you're friends with her, but there is a code: Bros before hoes, man.

Dr. Gregory House:
[House is eating lunch while sitting next to a patient in a coma] He doesn't mind... I asked.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're getting crumbs all over him!

Dr. Gregory House:
[gets a page while in coma-guy's room] Death-row-guy is dying.

Dr. Gregory House:
I *love* rare!

Dr. Gregory House:
[Clarence is screaming as he's getting his MRI] There's Waldo. [House pushes a button so Clarence can hear him] Found it Clarence.

Clarence:
Turn it off! Turn this damn thing off!

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Chase and Foreman] Keep him in there until you guys see it too. [House walks away. Chase gasps and starts to point. Foreman finds it also]

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Son of a b*tch.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Department of Justice statistics show that it's a racially motivated form of punishment. Black defendants are ten times more likely to get a death sentence than Whites.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Doesn't mean we need to get rid of the death penalty, just means we need to kill more white people.

Dr. Gregory House:
How was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?

Dr. Gregory House:
[to little girl in the kindergarten classroom] Do you have hair in your special place?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
She's being abused.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
A bloody t-shirt doesn't equal abuse. Kids get hurt all the time.

Dr. Robert Chase:
That amount of blood?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Oh, crap. You two are agreeing again.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Restrictive pericarditis.

Dr. Gregory House:
Boring.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
She's in kindergarten.

Dr. Gregory House:
Less boring or Grandma's been held back a few years.

Dr. Gregory House:
Hey! Don't make me turn the hose on you two.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
If menstruating is a sign of brain cancer, then I should be on chemo right now.

Dr. Gregory House:
That's ridiculous. You're way too skinny to be menstruating.

Dr. James Wilson:
You! You! You! You were gonna let me do that.

Dr. Gregory House:
You made a compelling argument.

Dr. James Wilson:
You sent those flowers to me.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yes, because you took her to a play. And because actually you do wanna march right there and kiss her.

Dr. James Wilson:
No, I don't.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yes, you do.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're right, I do.

Dr. Gregory House:
Seriously?

Dr. James Wilson:
No. You're a jerk.

Dr. Gregory House:
Night, Wilson.

Dr. James Wilson:
Night, House.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's a play. Dudes only go to plays if they're dragged there by women they want to see naked.

Dr. Gregory House:
You guys are idiots.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Why? Because we stayed up all night doing exactly what you told us to do?

Dr. Gregory House:
No. Because you stayed up all night doing exactly what I told you to and you have nothing to show for it.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
We've eliminated dozens of wrong answers.

Dr. Gregory House:
I asked you what two plus two equals and a day later you tell me not 25.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
He went home.

Dr. Gregory House:
Work smart, not hard.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You're intentionally punishing us.

Dr. Gregory House:
By making you do your job? Does sound kinda cruel, doesn't it?

Dr. Gregory House:
Somebody better be dying.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Lucy's big brother has a crush on me, so he bit the crap out of Chase.

Dr. Gregory House:
Not interested.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Figured you'd like to know when one of your employees gets attacked by a sociopath.

Dr. Gregory House:
Bees or monkeys, yes. Sociopaths, no.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Before you came here, did anybody hurt you? Make you bleed?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I'm gonna need to look in your vagina now, do you understand? I'm a doctor so it's okay.

Dr. Wilson:
[House and Wilson are discussing Wilson's date with Cuddy the night before] Yes, I slept with her.

Dr. Gregory House:
Seriously?

Dr. Wilson:
No.

Dr. Gregory House:
[House looks him over] Yes you did!

Dr. Wilson:
Yes... I did.

Dr. Gregory House:
Seriously?

Dr. Wilson:
No.

Dr. Gregory House:
Panty hamster get a spin on its wheel?

Dr. Gregory House:
You're trying to have sex with Cuddy!

Dr. Wilson:
[ignoring House's comment] Fries?

Dr. Gregory House:
You took her to a play. You only take women to plays because you want to...

Dr. Wilson:
[cutting House off] No, *you* only take women to plays for that reason! That's *your* theory!

Dr. Gregory House:
Okay, then why did you take her to the play?

Dr. Wilson:
She's a friend!

Dr. Gregory House:
A friend with a squish mitten?

Dr. Wilson:
It is possible to have a friend of the opposite sex without...

Dr. Gregory House:
[House interrupts] Blasphemer! She's not a friend of the opposite sex. She's a different species! She's an administrator. She's going to eat your head when she's done!

Dr. Gregory House:
People should not be testing drugs because they're desperate. But, people won't test drugs unless they're desperate. We need drugs to save children and puppies, ergo we need desperate people, ergo welfare *kills* sick children.

Dr. Gregory House:
I know "heart" and "head" start with the same three letters, but you gotta read all the way to the end.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Lucas compliments Cuddy's shoes] You don't like her shoes. You like her legs.

Lucas Douglas:
It sounds less creepy if you say shoes.

Dr. Chris Taub:
You've discovered that one of us has been hiding the ability to stretch or shrink themselves?

Dr. Gregory House:
No. I would never out someone's superpowers.

Thirteen:
Drugs? How many trials are you on?

Brandon:
Three.

Dr. Gregory House:
Admirable. Not many idiots have that much ambition.

Brandon:
You gonna tell Heather?

Dr. Gregory House:
Couldn't even if I cared enough to want to.

Lucas Douglas:
I like her. I don't want to do her.

Dr. Gregory House:
Then what's the point of liking her?

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Taub] Your marriage is like a broken toaster. Bread keeps popping up, and you keep calling it toast. Which is weird, because you put your bread in a lot of toasters, and apparently you don't see any difference. It's kinda fascinating.

Dr. Gregory House:
You know, people hate people who have theories about people.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
You stay here, they bust me.

Darrien:
I can't go back, Remy.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
Neither can I. God forbid, you die, I'm up for manslaughter.

Darrien:
...I'll find someone else.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
You leave, you bleed out. You're gonna die... Stop!

Darrien:
Promise me, you won't take me to a hospital.

Dr. Gregory House:
Any indication the rats were getting sick?

Dr. Riggin:
Just some cramping. Their legs would stiffen up. They were having trouble moving around. We just thought their bodies were adjusting to the increase in muscle mass. But - in a day or so, they just started - dying... Oh well, a new compound to play with next week.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Have you talked to anyone about it?

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
No, I may have an Aortic Arch Aneurism. Oh wait, that's her. Either help me or leave!

Dr. Chris Taub:
I don't even know why she's even considering having my kid. She barely knows me. All she knows is: I'm a short balding guy. It doesn't even make evolutionary sense.

Dina:
[as she's dancing for Taub] You lap is vibrating.

Dr. Chris Taub:
[Pulling out his cellphone] Oh, sorry. Uh, it's my boss - probably drunk - wants a ride home. He can get a cab... Do you have any kids?

Dina:
Why? Do you like moms? I could be your mommie. Spank your little ass.

Dr. Gregory House:
I tried calling everyone else. You were the last one on the list.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Why wasn't 9-1-1 on the list?

Dr. Gregory House:
It's not an emergency.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Right. Are you suicidal?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Don't blame our break up for this. You're not unhappy because of me. You just unhappy. Unhappy people do reckless things.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You already signed a release. He's gonna do what he needs to do.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah, and if that involves chopping off my leg - I want to be damn sure it's necessary.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
House...

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't trust him. I trust *you*.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
Darrien had to shoot that kid. It was the right thing - completely justified. But it didn't matter. She destroyed her life trying to forget. [Thirteen starts to cry] I'm afraid that's what's going to happen to me.

Dr. Gregory House:
What are you doing here?

Dr. James Wilson:
You hoping for someone else?

Dr. Gregory House:
Hot nurse. Candy striper. Someone who doesn't speak English. Someone who doesn't speak judgemental.

Dr. James Wilson:
[House tries to walk after leg surgery] You're an ass.

Dr. Gregory House:
What? For trying to walk on a freshly mangled leg? Performing surgery on myself? For thinking I could solve my emotional problems with rat medicine? If you're gonna nag, at least have the decency to be specific.

Dr. James Wilson:
[Helping House up] Come on... Listen, you *can't* keep going like this. Something has to change.

Dr. Gregory House:
Can I pee first?... I know.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
I made a promise.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You made a promise?

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
I will not take her to the hospital.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Great. Then I will.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
No.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I'm gonna move you, then I'm gonna pick your friend up, carry her down to my car, take her to the hospital, and try to save her life.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
She's staying here.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Move. [pause] Move! [moves Thirteen away] She's going to the hospital.

Rachel Cuddy:
What happened to your leg?

Dr. Gregory House:
I was trying to make it better.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
He was being reckless. Sit back, honey.

Dr. Gregory House:
There are no cars coming, just go.

Rachel Cuddy:
The light is red, you bloody scallywag.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Stop with the pirate talk.

Dr. Gregory House:
If you don't want Brownbeard to end up with two wooden legs, you should get your ma to move this ship, ye mangy bilge rat.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Of course. You showed her that filthy cartoon. What kind of idiot lets a 3-year-old watch that?

Dr. Gregory House:
If you wanna lecture me on my poor judgment, there would seem to be more relevant examples.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Your heart rate's over 120. You're clammy. I think you're going into shock. Are you lightheaded?

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm fine. Did you see the new Brownbeard episode?

Rachel Cuddy:
It was so funny.

Dr. Gregory House:
No, it was so lame. A boat full of guy pirates and they make the girl pirate walk the plank.

Rachel Cuddy:
She floated.

Dr. Gregory House:
That's 'cause she had big boobies. That's why he should've kept her.

Rachel Cuddy:
Is he going to be okay?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
He'll be fine. Close your eyes.

Rachel Cuddy:
I wish House still came over to play.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Well, maybe you should write him a letter. Wanna do that? Okay, let's do it.

Dr. James Wilson:
You've got mail. [quotes] I hope your leg feels better, and I hope we can be friends again soon, you bloody scallywag.

12 year old boy:
What's extension of pastory?

Dr. Gregory House:
It's when you're molested by a priest's cousin.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to a parent about her crying daughter] Give her 20 milligrams of anti-histamine. It could save her life. Because if she doesn't shut up, I'll kill her.

Dr. Gregory House:
Tell the pilot to dive until we can club baby seals out of the window.

Keo the Flight Attendant:
[a passenger, Pang, looks sick] Sir, are you all right?

Dr. Gregory House:
[bluntly] He's drunk.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Pang vomits] See?

Keo the Flight Attendant:
[asks something from Pang in Hawaiian]

Peng:
[mutters something in Korean]

Keo the Flight Attendant:
Does anyone speak Korean? [no one replies] Is anyone a doctor?

Dr. Gregory House:
[sharply] Yes! [gets up] I'll go get her.

Dr. Gregory House:
[having checked Cuddy's heartbeat by pressing his ear against her chest] Heart is fine, breasts are firm.

Dr. Gregory House:
We're going to have to operate him.

12 year old boy:
Cool.

Dr. Gregory House:
Condoms. He has focal limb paralysis.

12 year old boy:
His legs got paralyzed by a condom?

Dr. Gregory House:
No, by cocaine. Was inside the condom, is now spreading through his digestive tract.

Sour Faced Woman:
[doesn't like the graphic description] Eww.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You think he's a mule.

Dr. Gregory House:
I think he's a jackass. We're gonna have to operate.

12 year old boy:
[enthused] Cool.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to a kid] Can you say "Crickey Mate"?

12 year old boy:
Crickey Mate.

Dr. Gregory House:
Perfect. Now, no matter what I say, you'll agree with me, okay?

12 year old boy:
Okay.

Dr. Gregory House:
Nicely done. [to a foreign man] You, disagree with everything I say.

Hamid:
Sorry, not understand.

Dr. Gregory House:
Close enough. [to a woman] You get morally outraged by everything I say.

[House writes the symptoms on a white board]

Sour Faced Woman:
That's permanent marker, you know.

Dr. Gregory House:
Wow, you guys are good.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
And the room service thing was just spiteful.

Dr. Gregory House:
I was hungry.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
$300 for a bottle of wine.

Dr. Gregory House:
I was thirsty.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
$120 for video services.

Dr. Gregory House:
I was lonely.

Dr. Gregory House:
Look that way. [points to the side]

Joy the Blonde:
Why?

Dr. Gregory House:
Because you're going to throw up, and I don't want it on me.

[she throws up]

Dr. Gregory House:
Nobody speak Korean on this flight?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I assumed you did.

Dr. Gregory House:
I know how to ask him if his sister's over eighteen. I just don't think that's gonna help.

Ian:
I have a question, and I need to go to the bathroom.

Mrs. Walsh:
Which would you like to do first?

Ian:
The question.

Mrs. Walsh:
Okay.

Ian:
Where's the bathroom?

Dr. James Wilson:
Have you read "Moby Dick"?

Dr. Gregory House:
It was a book?

Dr. Gregory House:
Take your time and say it loud.

Dr. Gregory House:
The nearly-dead, and the newly-bred have more in common with each other than with people in the middle. It's weird, it's kinda circle of life thing.

Dr. Gregory House:
Start the treatment.

Dr. Gregory House:
[approaching Chase, who is chatting up a girl] Hey, how's that anal fissure? Did it heal yet, or is it still draining?

[noticing girl]

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realize you'd come back for seconds. I figured that after that girl on the stairwell you'd be done for the night.

Dr. Robert Chase:
He's joking.

Dr. Gregory House:
No Adam's apple, small hands. No surprises this time!

Nicole Ballard:
I'll, uh, see you later.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Where did you come from?

Dr. Gregory House:
Apes, if you believe the democrats.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You've spent the last two weeks doing absolutely nothing. Concert is over.

Dr. Gregory House:
In what twisted universe does mastering Eddie Van Halen's two-handed arpeggio technique count as absolutely nothing?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Take the case or you will spend the next month helping the collapse team change bandages.

Dr. Gregory House:
Can't take the case. I don't have a team.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
So hire a team!

Dr. Gregory House:
What for? I don't have a case!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Have you even interviewed anybody?

Dr. Gregory House:
You test-drive a car before you buy it, you have sex before you get married. I can't hire a team based on a ten-minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?

Janitor:
I should ask them for keys.

Dr. Gregory House:
No need. I'm sure we can find a large rock somewhere.

Janitor:
I'm not breaking into somebody's house. I got principles.

Dr. Gregory House:
I've got some loose change here that says you don't.

Janitor:
I'm not doing this... for less than a 50.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Cameron would never have accepted that this guy knew nothing about the love of his life and as soon as you claimed it was multiple conditions, Foreman would have done anything to prove you wrong, and then Chase would have done anything to prove you right. Any one of them would have solved this days ago. [pause] Hire a team. I don't care how you do it. ... Just do it!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Well, let's just say your anti-depressant theory does explain the fever. What about the heart? And don't say a building fell on her.

Dr. Gregory House:
Okay. [clears his throat] A structure collapsed.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Shut up!

Dr. Gregory House:
Come on, it fits.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
26-year-old female. She was pulled out of the rubble after six hours. Two surgeries for multiple fractures and burns.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm thinking the broken bones are a response to the building falling on her head.

Dr. James Wilson:
[to House] So all you have to do is convince this kid that his girlfriend had a secret doctor, and a secret stash, and a secret life. It's been a while since a patient took a swing at you. Can I watch?

Dr. Gregory House:
[when House's guitar is "kidnapped"] Give it back.

Dr. James Wilson:
What happened? Did someone kidnap your guitar? Your 12 thousand-dollar 1967 Flying V? Or something?

Dr. Gregory House:
Where'd you hide it?

Dr. James Wilson:
I'm flattered you would consider me this bold and brilliant.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah, it takes a cri...

[stops, then sees pieces missing from Wilson's newspaper]

Dr. Gregory House:
It takes a criminal mastermind to pull off a heist from an unlocked, unguarded room down the hall. What do you want?

Dr. James Wilson:
Me? Nothing. But I'm sure the kidnapper wants what every kidnapper wants: to see you interview 5 to 7 well-qualified fellowship candidates.

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't need a team.

Dr. James Wilson:
You were bouncing ideas off a janitor.

Dr. Gregory House:
And solved the case!

Dr. James Wilson:
[over a piece of House's guitar which has been "kidnapped"] Oh, my God. This guy means business, or guys. It could be multiple, multiple guys or a gal. Who knows? All I can say this reeks of boldness.

Dr. Gregory House:
I am not hiring a team.

Dr. James Wilson:
You ever tighten a guitar string really, really slowly? Past the point it can handle the strain? It makes this weird sound, almost like a scream. [squeaking]

Dr. Gregory House:
[on the phone with Wilson] Did you ever see Raid on Entebbe?

Dr. James Wilson:
Yeah. In the end, they released the hostages. How's that working for you?

Dr. Gregory House:
The Ugandans played fair. They didn't move the hostages on the Israelis.

Dr. James Wilson:
Once again, I am in awe of the kidnapper's tactical brilliance.

Dr. Gregory House:
[turns on Wilson's TiVo] What is "El Fuego Del Amor" and why do you need 10 of them?

Dr. James Wilson:
It's a... it's a telenovela. I'm learning Spanish.

Dr. Gregory House:
Well, say adios.

Dr. James Wilson:
Are you erasing my TiVo? House! Not the season finale!

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't negotiate with terrorists. I smoke them out of their hidey-holes.

Dr. James Wilson:
[on the phone with House] Do you know what terrorists do when you don't negotiate? They terrorize.

Dr. Gregory House:
Bring it on!

Dr. James Wilson:
You stole my patient.

Dr. Gregory House:
You kidnapped my guitar.

Dr. James Wilson:
Give him back.

Dr. Gregory House:
Only when you give her back.

Dr. James Wilson:
It's a she?

Dr. Gregory House:
Well, it's certainly not a dude.

Dr. James Wilson:
It's a guitar! You took a human being!

Dr. Gregory House:
Now who doesn't have a sense of humor?

Dr. James Wilson:
[House and Wilson searching the patient's home] What does the diary say?

Dr. Gregory House:
It's basically a list of her sexual encounters. Boys, girls, vibrating appliances.

Dr. James Wilson:
If it was, you'd be quoting, not summarizing.

Dr. James Wilson:
Where's the restaurant?

Dr. Gregory House:
What restaurant?

Dr. James Wilson:
The one you said you're taking me to for lunch.

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh... ahh... [points to a house] This one's homier, dibs on a cold pizza?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You're wrong.

Dr. Gregory House:
Who are you going to believe: a classic toy or a woman who if she had any confidence in her ideas wouldn't feel the need to distract you with a water bra?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
How'd you know it was me?

Dr. Gregory House:
There's a scent given off by wounded, feral cats.

Ben:
You don't know?

Dr. Gregory House:
I know, just can't say, because you'll hit me. Let's discuss this in front of witnesses.

Dr. Gregory House:
Bleeding can start at any time.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
It's bleeding from five different sites! You think they synchronize their watches?

[last lines]

Dr. Gregory House:
Sometimes I am wrong. I have a gift for observation, for reading people and situations. But sometimes I am wrong. This will be the longest job interview of your life. I will test you in ways that you will often consider unfair, demeaning, and illegal. And you will often be right. Look to your left. Now look to your right. By the end of six weeks, one of you will be gone. As will 28 more of you. Wear a cup.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Wilson] If you're broke I can loan you a tiny bit of the money I owe you.

Dr. Gregory House:
Your eyes are lopsided. And by eyes I mean breasts.

Dr. Gregory House:
You test drive a car before you buy it, you have sex before you get married, I can't hire a team based on a ten minute interview. What if I don't like having sex with them?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[walks in on Tech doing test] I thought I sent out a memo not to help House.

Tech:
I got it. I got both of them.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[exasperated] And the second memo said to ignore the first one.

Tech:
Yeah - I thought that was odd.

Dr. Gregory House:
We've got a patient who for no obvious reason is hallucinating. Since it's not obvious, I thought we'd go with subtle.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
It doesn't matter. If her sat percentage is off, that means her blood isn't getting enough oxygen; that's a problem with her lungs, not her heart.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
And a lung problem isn't causing hallucinations.

Dr. Robert Chase:
But the lungs could lead us somewhere that is.

Dr. Gregory House:
Welcome to the end of the thought process.

Dr. Gregory House:
[talking about 9-year-old cancer patient] She's such a brave girl, I want to see how brave she is when you tell her she's gonna die.

Dr. James Wilson:
[long pause] Go to hell.

Dr. Gregory House:
And *you* stay away from the patient.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
What'd I do?

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh well, you'd just get all warm and cuddly around the dying girl and insinuate yourself; end up in a custody battle.

Dr. Gregory House:
Union rules. I can't check out this guy's seeping gonorrhea this close to lunch.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm taking a sick day.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Take some Claritin.

Dr. Gregory House:
Everyone's a doctor suddenly.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[about Andie] You're actually talking about killing her.

Dr. Gregory House:
Just for a little while. I'll bring her right back.

Dr. Gregory House:
Is it still illegal to perform an autopsy on a living person?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Are you high?

Dr. Gregory House:
If it's Tuesday, I'm wasted.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
It's Wednesday.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Balls are in your court, Doctor.

Dr. Gregory House:
[a patient gave himself a circumcision] Just like Abraham did it.

Dr. Gregory House:
[a patient gave himself a circumcision] I'm gonna get a plastic surgeon, get the Twinkie back in the wrapper.

Dr. Gregory House:
If her DNA was off by one percentage point she'd be a dolphin.

Dr. Gregory House:
Cancer doesn't make you special.

Dr. Gregory House:
[referring to the bottle Wilson opened] I loosened it.

Dr. James Wilson:
I opened it!

Dr. Gregory House:
The tumor is Afghanistan, the clot is Buffalo. Does that need more explanation?

Dr. James Wilson:
We can't do exploratory surgery on her brain.

Dr. Gregory House:
Are you sure you're not a neurologist?

Dr. Gregory House:
She's a rock.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
She's brave.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Dr. Eric Foreman:
We could bolt her to the table.

Dr. Gregory House:
Gruesome and low tech. Kiss me, I love it.

Dr. Robert Chase:
If she's never kissed a boy, it's a fair bet she's never had sex.

Dr. Gregory House:
Tell that to all the hookers who won't kiss me on the mouth.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Cameron] It's written down in my advanced health care directive, should I be incapacitated in any way you run the board, then Foreman. Chase, you're just not ready yet.

Dr. Gregory House:
These cancer kids, you can't put them *all* on a pedestal. It's basic statistics. Some of them have gotta be whiney little fraidy-cats.

Dr. James Wilson:
Terminal 9-year-old trumps your stuffy nose.

Dr. Gregory House:
If you're dying, suddenly everybody loves you.

Dr. James Wilson:
You have a cane, nobody even likes you.

Dr. Gregory House:
Oxygen saturation is 94%, check her heart.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Her oxygen saturation is normal.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's off by one percentage point.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Within range. It's normal.

Dr. Gregory House:
If her DNA was off by one percentage point, she'd be a dolphin.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Smugly] You did it, didn't you?

Dr. Robert Chase:
It... it wasn't sick. It was just one kiss. One kiss for a dying girl. [Cameron puts her hands over her mouth and gets a disgusted look on her face. Foreman turns away in disgust] One kiss. Thank you. Thanks.

Dr. Gregory House:
Nobody wants to die. But you are going [saying it for a 9-year-old girl, who has cancer]

Dr. Gregory House:
She has gone from the 25th weight percentile to the 3rd in one month. Now I'm not a baby expert, but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to shrink.

Dr. James Wilson:
I've got no kids. My marriage sucks. I only got two things that work for me: this job and this stupid screwed up friendship and neither mattered enough for you to give one lousy speech!

Dr. Gregory House:
They mattered.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[to House] These regulations aren't just here to annoy you.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[responds to Foreman's dog metaphor describing House's actions] Dogs can learn things. House can't.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Chase and Foreman find an AWOL House napping while sitting at a desk] Sorry. Up late... internet porn.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You seen House?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[half-chuckles] Look for a shallow grave with Vogler standing over it.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm not stressed beyond the stress induced by telling you how stressed I am.

Dr. James Wilson:
Sam likes you.

Dr. Gregory House:
She wants me to move out.

Dr. James Wilson:
No. I want you to move out. I didn't know things with Sam would happen so quickly. I didn't - I don't want to make mistakes here. I've made a lot of mistakes.

Dr. Gregory House:
Patients are boring, as people. This one, I'm sure, was no exception. But her situation was interesting. Besides I was still avoiding Wilson. No better way to avoid than leaving the hospital.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
So where were you thinking during all this?

Dr. Gregory House:
That, it was a strange position to be in. At that moment, she was more comfortable with me than with her husband. And he was picking up on it.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
Umk, that's interesting. You present yourself as uh, not giving a damn about other's emotions, but your actions indication otherwise. You dismiss Alvie's story about his mother, but you cared enough to schedule a hearing?

Dr. Gregory House:
I cared for eight seconds. Then I got distracted.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
It looks like you fell on the tip of someone's boot.

Dr. Gregory House:
...I said something that someone objected to.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
Well, if you don't remember then how can you - ?

Dr. Gregory House:
That's usually the way it is. Someone hits me. People who kick you when you're down are jerks, but they're generally not irrational jerks.

Dr. Gregory House:
God's sakes Wilson! You really span the chasm between wishy and washy. If you're gonna be an ass, be an ass. Stick with it!

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
What's Taub doing in my imaginary version of a scene with Wilson and Cuddy?

Dr. Gregory House:
Your version needed to be ended. Because it's crap. It's all sweetness and light, and... faith that I'm going to choose the right path. Yeah, that sounds like Wilson.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
You were willing to punish the husband and patient because you identified with him. He was also losing someone he loved.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm not going to go out and get hammered because of a woman I'm not even with is moving in with someone. That'd be pathetic... To Hell with this! When I first came to you, I told you I wanted to be happy, and I followed your advice. Instead I'm miserable. How is this working for me?

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
It takes time.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
Have you gotten anybody *else* mad at you?

Dr. Gregory House:
Well yeah. That's why I call it an ordinary week.

[last lines]

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Dr. Nolan] What ever the answer is, you don't have it...

Dr. Gregory House:
[scratching head] Aren't therapists supposed to be nurturing?

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
Nowhere [pause] does it say that in the manual.

Dr. Gregory House:
With great power comes great micromanaging.

Dr. Jessica Adams:
Sex releases oxytocin. It's the neuromechanical basis for bonding.

Dr. Gregory House:
And that's why men always marry their right hands.

Dr. Jessica Adams:
It's different for girls.

Dr. Chi Park:
No, it's not. I've tapped over thirty guys and never want to see most of them again. [House looks up from microscope, and Adams looks at Park] I live next door to a Jewish frat.

Dr. Jessica Adams:
Thirty?

Dr. Chi Park:
[shrugs] Everybody lies.

Dr. Jessica Adams:
Higher or lower?

Dr. Gregory House:
Lots of people don't have sex. The only people who don't want sex are either sick, dead or lying.

Dr. James Wilson:
Two people are happy and your natural impulse is to destroy it.

Dr. Gregory House:
How do you know she's happy? She tell you?

Dr. James Wilson:
No. Chirping birds flew out of her butt carrying a banner.

Dr. Gregory House:
Love what your wearing. Brings out the blue in the case file, means it's not from the ER. So why are you here?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Because Dr. Cuddy is *not* here. She's decided to spend some more time with the baby for a while. I'm taking over some of her day-to-day responsibilities like baby sitting you.

Dr. Gregory House:
Interesting. You have your whole life ahead of you. So why would Cuddy want you to die so young?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
She figured I spent three years working for you, I was innoculated.

Dr. Gregory House:
Why are you smirking?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Never thought I'd see the day you were taking orders from Cameron.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
Cameron's in charge?

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
When did this happen?

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
You're going to destroy her, aren't you?

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
[giving a blood test to Sarah] I'm impressed. You didn't even flinch.

Sarah:
I just went to my happy place.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
We cannot let House *near* this woman!

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
[House wants to irradiate a patient] It's premature, reckless and potentially lethal.

Dr. Gregory House:
True. Must be somebody's job to stop me from being reckless and irresponsible. [Chuckles] Nobody can stop me from being premature.

Dr. Gregory House:
Because that would let Cameron in on the fact that I never intended to do it.

Dr. Chris Taub:
This is going to be convoluted, isn't it?

Dr. Gregory House:
I figured I'd ask her for something really crazy, so that she'd shoot me down and get the whole I-can-control-House thing out of her perky little system. So the next time I came with something marginally crazy, she would see marginally reasonable and say "yes." So yeah, slightly convulted.

Dr. Chris Taub:
We're screwed!

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Her trial results are already compromised just from the fact that I know. As long as she's wasting time... why not... give her something that might actually work?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Valid point. Except for the fact that it's a load of crap! Don't be an idiot.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
There's no medical justification for that kind of...

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Not medically no. Absolutely no medical justification. I had to say yes because House wanted me to say no.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You think he was bluffing?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I'm the new kid. He had to test me.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Don't get cute. Don't engage him. Do no play his games because you will lose!

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You hired me to do this job. Let me do it.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm the last person you'd come to for ethical advice, literally. Which means you've asked every other person and no one's given you the answer you want.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Or I respect your opinion and I want to hear what comes to your mind.

Dr. Gregory House:
No cure then. Pros are you might delay the onset of symptoms, give her a year maybe three. She's still dead before you're 45. The question is: are those few years worth risking the rest of your life in medicine?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[Foreman thinks for a moment] No.

Dr. Gregory House:
There, wasn't so hard was it?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Thank you.

Dr. Gregory House:
You're welcome. [Foreman starts to leave] Unless you love her. [Foreman stops and turns around] If you love her, you do stupid things.

Dr. Gregory House:
I can't find the proof you want because it's inside her head. And the only way I can get at it is to cut it open and rip it out, which is apparently the *one* test you won't let me run. So either I do this or I do nothing!

Dr. Allison Cameron:
What do you want me to do? Say yes just because you're House?

Dr. Gregory House:
I'd certainly like that, yeah.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
[pause. Hand clipboard to House] Yes.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I approved an insane procedure with no proof, no evidence, no...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You made the right call. [Cameron sighs] The problem was a brain problem, without the procedure House never notices the increased left brain function. She'd be dead if you didn't say yes.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I know... But... I'll always say yes to House. I studied under him, he's in my head. And if you gave *anyone* else this job they would always say no. Because - well because they should. House is insane!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Which leaves me.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I'm sorry.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[Cuddy's on the phone while House is opening a patient's skull] Insulting me is not going to make me go away!

Dr. Gregory House:
You're not here! Honestly, I'm not trying to make you go away.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I'm not going play games. If you come to me with a request and it makes medical sense, I'll say yes.

Dr. Gregory House:
I need oral sex. I'm pretty sure biological imperative qualifies as medical sense.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Can I return my phone call now?

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't see how that's going to be possible.

Dr. James Wilson:
That's how we met: I was in jail.

Sheriff Costello:
This guy was a total stranger to you and you bailed him out?

Dr. Gregory House:
It was a boring convention. I had to have somebody to drink with.

[after Wilson breaks a stained glass window by throwing a bottle]

Dr. Gregory House:
Still not boring.

Dr. Chris Taub:
House, call your mom.

Dr. Gregory House:
What are you? My mom?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
If there's anything I can do, just...

Dr. Gregory House:
You know, you're right. I don't think I can sleep alone tonight.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[preparing a shot] It goes better in a large muscle. Drop your pants.

Dr. Gregory House:
You know, I usually pay tens of dollars to hear that.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
What do you think House would send, the "Gentle Comfort" arrangement, or the "Warm Thoughts" bouquet? I mean, if he wasn't an ass.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Send one of those giant cookies shaped like a coffin. His mom would believe it was from him.

Dr. Gregory House:
You "lost track of your speed"? I think that was Hitler's excuse. Lost track of the Jews. No one held him responsible.

Dr. Gregory House:
I need that phone call. I'm a doctor, and when someone tries to call you three time, it's code for "Pick up the damn phone before someone dies."

Sheriff Costello:
I'm sure there's other smart doctors.

Dr. Gregory House:
You'd be surprised.

Thirteen:
Bubbles.

Dr. Gregory House:
Is that your new stripper name?

Thirteen:
Yes. And also we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift.

Dr. Gregory House:
Bubbles is right.

Dr. James Wilson:
You know, you could just wait for the MRI to have your curiosity satisfied.

Dr. Gregory House:
What person who is nothing like me are you saying that to?

Dr. Gregory House:
[giving his father's eulogy] There's a lot of people here today. Including some from the Corps. And I noticed that every one of them, is either my father's rank, or higher. And that doesn't surprise me. Because if the test of a man is how he treats those he has power over... it was a test my father failed. This man you're eager to pay homage to, he was incapable of admitting any point of view but his own. He punished failure, he did not accept anything less than... He loved doing what he did, he saw his work as some kind of sacred calling, more important than any personal relationship. Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son. But I am what I am because of him, for better or for worse.

[House uses nail clippers to remove part of his father's earlobe while feigning grief over the coffin]

Dr. James Wilson:
[whispering] Put it back.

Dr. Gregory House:
Well he's not going to miss it.

Dr. James Wilson:
I'm done enabling. You can't even let them put him in the ground without making it serve your agenda?

Dr. James Wilson:
[after House knocks Wilson's keys down a sewer] Amber gave me that key ring.

Dr. Gregory House:
No she didn't. Unless her pet name for you was "Volvo."

Dr. Gregory House:
Come on, forget the keys. Call a locksmith. We'll go inside and play "guess that smell" with the truckers while we're waiting. Join me on the dark side.

Dr. James Wilson:
Dark side's done, House. I'm delivering you to your mother and that's it.

Dr. Gregory House:
If you're coming back just because of the shine of my neediness, I'd be okay with that.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow.

[on the phone while Wilson is getting arrest]

Dr. Gregory House:
Make it fast; I don't want to miss the anal cavity search.

Dr. Gregory House:
Eulogy, derived from the Greek for "good word." Now if she'd asked me to deliver a "bastardogy," I'd be happy to.

Dr. Gregory House:
Let her vomit through the MRI, that's what nurses are for.

Dr. Gregory House:
Pins. Some people use them to tailor a shirt, others use them to kill a baby.

Bob:
Did her drinking cause this?

Dr. Gregory House:
No.

Bob:
Can you tell her it did?

Dr. Gregory House:
Kutner, you're sort of Asian. Go get this Chinese translated

Dr. Gregory House:
He's here.

Dr. James Wilson:
Who's here? The one you're pretending is your father? Good pick, he looks like Sean Connery. So back, when you were devising this fantasy, did you tell your father. "Dad, I refuse to recognize your existence because I have chosen James Bond as my dad."

Dr. Gregory House:
I used different words.

Dr. Robert Chase:
When my father died, I wound up killing a patient and I hated the man. Whatever House says or doesn't say, I'm sure the guy's a mess.

Dr. James Wilson:
Well I hate to break it to you, Che, but simple delay won't work. Your mother will hold the funeral until we get there.

Dr. Gregory House:
Father was a punctual man. Beholden to time. Two minutes late for dinner, you didn't eat. My mother would never disrespect him by starting the funeral late.

Dr. James Wilson:
[sarcastically] Yeah, yeah. You clearly have *no* issues to work through.

Dr. James Wilson:
I'm not gonna sit here wasting time just so that you can avoid your father's funeral.

Dr. Gregory House:
He was my father. I have the right to avoid his funeral.

Sheriff Costello:
Not if your mother's alive you don't.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Well, it's taken over us just over an hour to prove she has a very boring subconscious.

Dr. Gregory House:
Anyone ever tell you that you can be a buzzkill?

Dr. Robert Chase, Thirteen, Dr. Chris Taub:
Yes.

Dr. Wilson:
I'm pacing in your office because I am physically incapable of buying furniture.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
For Amber's old place?

Dr. Wilson:
...Yeah. I... it needs some new...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I know you bought the place I wanted. You're a jerk. Move on. Hire a decorator.

Dr. Gregory House:
So either we find the answer at autopsy or...

Dr. Eric Foreman:
What?

Dr. Gregory House:
I got nothing.

Dr. Wilson:
Would you mind at least putting a napkin under your jelly toast?

Dr. Gregory House:
Get a table, and I won't eat on the couch.

Dr. Wilson:
Yes you will.

Dr. Gregory House:
But I won't have a good excuse.

Dr. Gregory House:
You are what you sit in. Your friends, your job, your furnishings. All define you.

Dr. Wilson:
You don't really believe that. You just don't want to do the shopping.

Dr. Gregory House:
Buy some furniture, or admit that you're empty inside.

Dr. Chris Taub:
If she thinks I'm cheating she would ask.

Thirteen:
Because you tell the truth.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I'm not seeing anyone else.

Thirteen:
Doesn't matter. You have a history. And that's not her fault.

Dr. Chris Taub:
What am I supposed to do? I can't prove a negative.

Thirteen:
That is a problem.

Dr. Robert Chase:
We could do a full body scan.

Dr. Gregory House:
We *hate* full body scan.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
And by "we" you mean you. We also hate it when patients die before we figure out what's wrong with them.

Dr. Gregory House:
...Do the scan.

Dr. Chris Taub:
What? You don't think I want my wife to be happy?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Sure. As long as it makes you happy.

Abby Smith:
It's a black hole.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
She's hallucinating.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I certainly hope so.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Taub] Your texting does not prove you're faithful. It proves you know she thinks that you're unfaithful. Can't force trust.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I'm not telling a mother who's scared out of her mind that our best shot is a magical shot.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's not magical. It's experimental. Like washing your hands after pooping once was. And technically it's not our best shot, I'm pretty sure it's our only shot.

Dr. Gregory House:
Are you having an affair?... Does it bother you that your wife doesn't have the guts to actually ask that question and I do?

Dr. Chris Taub:
On both ends... yes.

Dr. Gregory House:
The difference is I'm not afraid of the answer, and I might believe you.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I thought I'd ask the love of my life to marry me.

Rachel Taub:
We're already married.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I want to be better at it.

Rachel Taub:
That's beautiful.

Dr. James Wilson:
House?

Dr. Gregory House:
Sshhh. I'm with a patient. [Wilson turns on the lights to see the patient House is with passed out] Sleep study.

Dr. James Wilson:
You drugged him?

Dr. Gregory House:
I didn't say the study was voluntary.

Dr. Jessica Adams:
You want to reject our current diagnosis because he... he had a few grey hairs, panicked and shaved his head?

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm gonna reject your current diagnosis because I think we're wrong and treating for wrong diagnoses can result in side effects like death.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[as Cuddy is about to be examined] You really don't have to be here.

Dr. Gregory House:
You're my girlfriend. I'm being supportive.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I'm mainly talking about *them*. [Cut to House's team]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[about House's team] Get them out of here. My urethra is not for public entertainment.

Dr. Gregory House:
But it is good time adjacent.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Cuddy] Meet you in the cafeteria in 10. There'll be a corndog with your name on it. I mean an actual corndog. They fixed the deep fryer.

Lucinda:
It's not even a question. Of course, I'll be Rachel's guardian. And House is cool with this? I mean you guys...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
We've only been together a few months.

Lucinda:
Hmm. Seems like longer. Probably because you've been talking about him for 10 years. And by talking I mean ranting about wanting to smash his teeth in with a stapler.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
...People change.

Martha Masters:
Good for you. You could've just assumed he was a drug dealer, but instead you took his word for it. It's nice to finally see someone have a little faith in humanity.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Why would you do that?

Dr. Chris Taub:
The kid scratched out the faces of half of his class. You don't think that's a problem?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
It's not *our* problem.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Why is it anyone's problem? I violently executed my 10th grade Geometry teacher about 5 different ways in my mind.

Martha Masters:
I didn't want to kill anybody. I just wanted to torture them slowly in my basement - preferably with acid. Guys... ever think what you might do to House?

Dr. Chris Taub:
[the elevator opens. The team gets in the elevator. Slight pause] Maybe it's no big deal.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Unless it is. Somebody shot House.

Dr. James Wilson:
House, I'm not going to tell you a third time. Do not screw this up! Because I *really* don't want to clean up the mess.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Although, maybe we should have just played a few games of "Savage 21: The Revenge" Because that's obviously the best way to make someone feel better.

Dr. Gregory House:
Keep talking like Wilson, and your face is gonna freeze like that.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Look, however bad you think you're gonna be in that room, not being there is worse.

Dr. Chris Taub:
So I should call the cops?

Martha Masters:
Of course, over-identification with the subject could skew the calculation towards being over-protective, or alternatively...

Dr. Chris Taub:
You suck at this!

Martha Masters:
...Hate the statistics, not the statisician.

Dr. Gregory House:
If you don't make it, I won't sleep with anyone for at least a month.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Make it two.

Dr. Gregory House:
B*tch.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You don't take vicodin because you're scared. You take it so you won't feel pain... Pain happens when you care. Y-you can't love someone without opening up to their problems - their fears. You're not willing to do that.

Dr. Gregory House:
I-I-I came to be with you.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You weren't with me. Not really.

Dr. Gregory House:
I wanted to be.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
That's not enough.

Dr. Gregory House:
I can do better.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I don't think you can. You'll choose yourself over everybody else because that's who you are... I'm sorry.

Dr. Gregory House:
No. No. No. No. Don't.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I thought I could do this.

Dr. Gregory House:
Don't. Please, don't.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
...Goodbye, House.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[wakes up, looking for House] House? [someone holds her ankle] Oh, my God! What the hell?

Dr. Gregory House:
[appears from under the bed] Gotcha.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Did you actually wake up early and hide under the bed just to scare the crap out of me?

Dr. Gregory House:
Set an alarm and everything.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
It's like dating a 10-year-old.

Dr. Gregory House:
God, I hope not... Now that we're down here...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Hold that thought.

Dr. Gregory House:
Seriously?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I have to pee.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'll wait. I brought a book. Didn't know what time your alarm was set for.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[from bathroom] House?

Dr. Gregory House:
You know, you could rent this space out down here. In Japan, that would be like a deluxe...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
House, shut up. There's blood in my urine.

Dr. James Wilson:
[knock, knock] I'll get it.

Dr. Gregory House:
That better be her.

Dr. James Wilson:
[opens the door and finds Rachel with Officer] Rachel Cuddy, you were supposed to be home half an hour ago.

Rachel Cuddy:
Don't blame me. He's the one who wouldn't run any red lights.

Police Officer:
Mouth on that kid makes Mel Gibson sound like Nelson Mandela. Where'd she learn that?

Dr. Gregory House:
[comes into the room] I don't know why you're here, but I didn't do it.

Dr. James Wilson:
What's the problem, Officer?

Police Officer:
She was shoplifting down at the mall. Are either of you this girl's father?

Dr. Gregory House:
Nope. But since her mom died, she's my favorite tax write-off. Officer, you have my word, it won't happen again. [Officer leaves] Because next time she won't get caught! [House gives Rachel high five and holds her. Wilson hugs both] [Cuddy awakes from her dream]

Dr. Gregory House:
[sings] Forget your troubles, come on get happy. You better chase all your cares away. Shout hallelujah, come on get happy. Get ready for the judgment day. The sun is shining, come on get happy. The load is waiting to take your hand. Shout hallelujah, come on get happy. We're going to the promised... land.

Dancer #1, Dancer #2, Dancer #3, Dancer #4, Dancer #5, Dancer #6, Dancer #7, Dancer #8, Dancer #9:
[Chorus] We're heading across the river. Wash your sins away the tide. It's all so peaceful on the other side. On the other side.

Amber:
[to House] So... this is the story you made up about who you are. It's a nice one.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
Too bad it isn't true.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[to House] People who get close to you get hurt, that's a fact. You're a valued doctor at this hospital, that's another fact. From now on, I'm going to focus on the second fact.

Dr. Gregory House:
I slept with Cuddy. After she helped me detox from vicoden. I've been clean for almost 24 hours. [Wilson stares at House] Okay, thought I'd mention it.

Dr. James Wilson:
Wow. Wow! One for each.

Dr. Gregory House:
That's what she said "Haaa."

Dr. James Wilson:
How's the pain?

Dr. Gregory House:
She's probably got some bruising.

Dr. James Wilson:
Yeah. I get it. You're a stud. This is serious, House.

Dr. James Wilson:
Wow. This is fantastic! How are you going to screw it up?

Dr. Gregory House:
Several good options. Unfortunately, I don't think, she's going to give me the pleasure. She left before I woke up. 5 minutes ago she told me I'm just an employee.

Dr. Chris Taub:
So your left hand would rather play air guitar than give me a hard time?

Scott:
Rather play air guitar than tie shoes, eat dinner...

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
Your right hand's playing too.

Scott:
Don't want to discourage it.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[Meeting in the locker room] Why aren't we in the office?

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm tired of clinic duty.

Dr. Chris Taub:
You're not going anywhere. Unless you want to go naked. Your right brain knows you need to stay.

Scott:
My right brain's an ass!

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
His brain MRI showed narrowing in his blood vessels leading up from the neck, if we do shake something loose, we could kill him.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Or one of them. Clot in his brain could kill one of them, without affecting the other.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
He might actually be okay with that.

Dr. Gregory House:
You're worried that once I'm in a relationship, you and me will be over.

Dr. James Wilson:
Hey, I'm actually *for* this. I think this is great! But if you're serious and you don't treat it seriously then you will get hurt. And if you don't accept that, then accept that she will get hurt.

Dr. Chris Taub:
[Watching Scott's left hand gently stroke Annie's face] Somebody's grateful.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
We'll just leave the three of you alone.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You don't have doubts. You just don't want to kill the only thing left of someone who loved you. [Cameron starts crying and they hug] Don't do it.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
I do have trouble giving things up. For example [Cameron starts laughing] I never cancelled our wedding plans.

Thirteen:
It's always a sad thing when sperm comes between people...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Are you okay?

Dr. Gregory House:
No. I'm not okay.

Donny:
But you didn't find anything life threatening, right?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You fell 30 feet, you should be dead.

Brian:
Think that was the point.

Dr. James Wilson:
[to House] OK, I am not ready to transition from my dead girlfriend's shrine to your... morning glory. I'll have a mattress delivered and set up for you in the tabernacle. I just need it Tuesdays for animal sacrifices... Oh man. Ugh!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Pretend time's been going on long enough.

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't have a medical license. All I can do is pretend.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
And I'm going to have payroll send over some pretend checks starting tomorrow.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I felt like I was going to have a panic attack. [Chase sighs] I've crossed some line, and I'm having trouble getting back to the other side.

Singh:
Look, I'm asking you as an adult, to please stop.

Dr. Gregory House:
[House scoffs] Well, that obviously didn't come from her. But fair enough.

Dr. Gregory House:
You've a little devil on your shoulder told you to kill a guy. And you've got a little angel won't shut up. Telling you, you're going to burn in a lake of fire.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I'm fine!

Dr. Gregory House:
You shouldn't be! Talk to someone. Docs fixed me up in 7 weeks. You're... 10 minutes, tops.

Dr. Gregory House:
[after a patient wakes up during an autopsy] I think the autopsy's going to have to wait a bit.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
From now on, I'm going to supervise your practicum requirements.

Dr. Gregory House:
That won't be necessary.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You want another doctor first? Eventually...

Dr. Gregory House:
It's not necessary because I'm not ready to be a doctor again.

Dr. Gregory House:
Why are you talking to her? You run out of living people? You can talk to me. I'm right here.

Dr. James Wilson:
I miss her. Talking to her makes me feel better. You don't.

Marta:
[Watching House and Cuddy argue] No wonder she hates him.

Nona:
Mmm. That's not hate. It's foreplay.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Chase] You know what's pathetic is, you haven't gotten help because you want to feel bad. You want to suffer. 'Cause if you feel guilty, then you're not a psychopath. Patient needs some Carbamazepine. Now, I don't care how much that room scares you. You're doing your job.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Lying in bed] Hi dad, I've been focusing on the wrong thing. There were some good times... WILSON THIS IS STUPID!

Dr. James Wilson:
You see? He really *is* getting better.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I needed to get wasted - I did, and now I'm better.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[after allegedly dead patient regains consciousness during autopsy] He was briefly conscious, then his systolic dipped below sixty and he was out again.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to team] Differential diagnosis for resurrection - go.

Dr. Gregory House:
I am a lot better. No painkillers. No hallucinations. Leg hurts. But it's manageable. Great job. Gonna miss you. Want to start missing you, as soon as possible.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to another patient in during a group session] Cut your wrists, huh?

Dr. Beasley:
Greg, there are certain topics...

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, I'm sorry. Is suicide taboo? Gosh, I've broken a rule on my first day. I could kill myself.

Dr. Beasley:
Group's over!

Dr. Beasley:
Ready to play nice?

Dr. Gregory House:
Would you believe me if I said "yes."

Dr. Beasley:
No.

Dr. Gregory House:
Then yes.

Dr. Gregory House:
Seriously, is that your strategy? Give everybody what they want, except me?

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
You're a natural leader. You could something useful down here... for them... definitely for you. Or you could keep fighting. If you think you could break me. If you think I'm not every bit as stubborn as you.

Dr. Beasley:
I know you're scheming. Working on your next elaborate plan to get out of here. Why don't you put the plan on hold for a few days? See what happens. If you prefer private to group, we can do that. Maybe try some SSRIs. If you think nothing is working, you can always go back to your scheming.

Dr. Gregory House:
God, if only you'd said that 2 minutes ago. Before I came up with my new scheme. Now I'm committed. Ha! Get it?

Dr. James Wilson:
House?

Dr. Gregory House:
NO, it's your other friend in the asylum.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
[to House] You need to stop fight the system. You need to let me do my job.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
Everything about your life has been about finding the truth. But suddenly with this guy, you decide to reinforce a sick man's delusions! You want to take a swing at me, huh? You don't care about getting out. You don't care about him. You don't even care about the truth!

[Scoffs]

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
You don't care about anything, House! I'm transferring you to Winslow Psychiatric. You'll have better luck pulling the wool over their eyes. I'm done!

Dr. Gregory House:
Don't. I need help.

Dr. Gregory House:
I want to get better. Whatever the hell that means. Sick of being miserable.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
So you'd like to be happy.

Dr. Gregory House:
Again with the reflecting. Yes! I'd like to be happy.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
Being happy is an excellent goal. Not many patients can crystallize exactly what they're hoping to get out of this.

Juan 'Alvie' Alvarez:
They broke you!

Dr. Gregory House:
They didn't break me. I am broken. Now stop worshipping me and go worry about your own loser life.

Dr. Gregory House:
I have had relationships.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
You screwed up relationships. Every one of them. Almost like that was the goal. I want you to trust... people.

Dr. Gregory House:
Things change. Doesn't mean they get better. You gotta make things better. You can't just keep talking and hoping for the best.

Dr. Beasley:
Interact with people. Try to deal with people.

Dr. Gregory House:
Okay. [Gets up, walks over to Alvie]

Juan 'Alvie' Alvarez:
House! House! He's on my team...

Dr. Gregory House:
Shut up. No-one likes you. [Walks over to Jay-Bird and towers over him] Am I crowding you?

Jay-Bird:
What?

Dr. Gregory House:
Can't see the sun? [Sarcastically] Oh no, everything's closing in! [Takes the ball from Jay-Bird, turns to Dr. Beasley, and points at Jay-Bird] He's the claustrophic one, right? Cause I'm doing this from memory. [Walks over to Richter, without dribbling]

Richter:
You have to dribble!

Dr. Gregory House:
Why? C.I.A. satelites aren't watching me. They're watching you, because you're wearing green. [Richter takes his shirt off. House walks over to Hal] Anorexia? Really? Waht are you supposed to be a girl? And in answer to your implicite question, yes, those pants do make you look fat. [Walks over to Susan] How upset were you when you woke up in the hospital, hadn't died, and were a failure? [Shoots the ball into the hoops]

Juan 'Alvie' Alvarez:
Yeah! Score one, good guys!

Dr. Gregory House:
[Walks over to Beasley] You're right. It does feel good to reach out to people. [Turns to go inside]

Dr. Beasley:
It's yard time, Greg.

Dr. Gregory House:
Put it on my tab! [Walks inside]

Juan 'Alvie' Alvarez:
Dr. House in da house.

Dr. Gregory House:
[On the computer] Why do they even bother putting an age restriction on these things when all you have to do is click "yes- I am 18!" Even a seventeen year-old could figure that out.

Dr. Gregory House:
Get me those myocytes! I want to talk to them in my office.

Stephanie:
You're talking about brain surgery.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm talking about very cool brain surgery.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[a patient who believes he's abducted by aliens goes missing] The kid's not in his room.

Dr. Gregory House:
Foreman you take Alpha Centauri, Chase can check Tatooine and Cameron can setup an Intergalactic Checkpoint.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're just like any other patient. Running away from knowledge that won't make you happy.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm as happy as a pig in poop.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're scared the ketamine treatment's wearing off. That it was just a... torturous window to the good life.

Dr. Gregory House:
What part of "poop" didn't you understand?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
If you did your morning run, and showered at home, you'd be later than usual.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Turns back and yells] I thought of you in the shower.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
What's going on with the leg?

Dr. Gregory House:
First, tell me what's going on with the b*obs.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
If you're feeling pain...

Dr. Gregory House:
They're firmer...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
It's called an underwire. I wanna get a pet scan of your brain.

Dr. Gregory House:
I think it's hormones.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
As long as there's no increased activity in the thalmus...

Dr. Gregory House:
Looks to me like those puppies are going into the dairy business...

Dr. Gregory House:
You've been overly supportive this entire week. Either you're hormonal or you're guilt-ridden. It's too early in the pregnancy for this to be hormonal.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I'm not pregnant!

Dr. Gregory House:
Then what did you do wrong?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
He had Addisons. Your last patient. You were right. I gave him one shot of cortisol and he woke up like Rip Van Winkle.

Dr. Gregory House:
[Smiles a little and leans over to Cuddy's tummy] Oh, your Mommy's in such trouble. She's such a liar! That's why you don't have a Daddy!

Dr. Robert Chase:
Hey, Foreman. Yo' Momma's so fat, when her beeper goes off, people think she's backin' up...

[the team has discovered a piece of metal lodged in the back of the patient's neck]

Dr. Gregory House:
The results came back. The lab cannot identify the metal. Said it might not even be terrestrial.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Really?

Dr. Gregory House:
No, you idiot. It's titanium.

[last lines]

Dr. James Wilson:
I was afraid you'd think you were God... and that your wings would melt.

Dr. Gregory House:
[matter-of-factly] God doesn't have a limp.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I'm not pregnant.

Dr. Gregory House:
My leg doesn't hurt.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You're in denial.

Dr. Gregory House:
No I'm not!

[pauses]

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, you got me!

Todd:
[as his son's having a seizure] I thought you got it all!

Dr. Robert Chase:
Yeah, yell at me. That'll fix the kid.

Dr. Gregory House:
I have no idea what you've meant, but I can smell what The Rock was cookin'. [raises eyebrow]

Dr. Allison Cameron:
[after finding out Cuddy lied to House about his last patient] It's completely unethical.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
He was reckless with a patient.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
He was right.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
But he didn't know that. He needs at least some glimmer of humility.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Why does he need that? Because other people have that? Why does he need to be like other people?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Does your leg hurt?

Dr. Gregory House:
Is that relevant?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You're leaning.

Dr. Gregory House:
You're sitting.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You're evading.

Dr. Gregory House:
My head's hurting.

Driscoll:
Get your ass up over that wall. I said, "Get your ass over that"

[Driscoll yells out in pain]

Landon:
What's going on?

Driscoll:
My back hurts. I can't move. Help. Help. I can't get up.

Landon:
"Can't" doesn't exist here.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[about a photo of himself] That... is not me.

Dr. Chris Taub:
That is you.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[Pointing to part of picture] Th-that's me.

[Pointing to another part]

Dr. Robert Chase:
But th-that is not. Whoever did this made it smaller. Much, much smaller.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Whoever did this has a bone to pick with you. Ironic, since your bone...

Dr. Robert Chase:
It is not in that picture. My proof is right here.

[Starts to undo his belt]

Dr. Robert Chase:
You really want to see it?

Driscoll:
Yeah, well, it beats the alternatives, which is ending up in jail or in a gang *or* a coffin.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
How often you pull that off?

Driscoll:
Two-thirds never re-offend. That's better numbers than juvie.

[Masters gives a disapproving look]

Dr. Eric Foreman:
She's brilliant, but, uh, new to the real world.

Driscoll:
Yeah.

Dr. Chris Taub:
[to Chase] Listen, this is a tough time for me. Breaking up with Rachel. Moving into a hotel. I want you to know how much your humiliation has eased my burden.

Martha Masters:
They're treating the symptom instead of the disease. Basic systems theory. Troubled kids are produced by troubled families. This place doesn't even attempt to change the environment that damaged them in the first place.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
So there are no bad kids, only bad parents? Then why is my brother an ex-con?

Martha Masters:
Treating kids decently doesn't mean identically. Some kids need more structure or discipline. Nobody needs this place.

Driscoll:
You know I used to be a real screw up. Military taught me that actions always have consequences. Part of being a man is accepting them. You know, after all the times I said that to the kids, apology is necessary.

Dr. Robert Chase:
How generous is "extraordinarily generous?"

Martha Masters:
Call the charity, explain the donation is a fraud.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
And take back Wells's wedding gift? *You* are extraordinarily screwed.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You live with your parents?

Kenzie:
Oh, just until graduation?

Dr. Robert Chase:
College?... How old are you?

Kenzie:
18... Next month. Relax. It's not illegal or anything.

Martha Masters:
You'll apologize to me for something done in a psychotic state, but you won't own up to being his father. What happened to actions have consequences and a man accepts them?

Driscoll:
I'm in his life and I am working on getting him on the right path.

Martha Masters:
He doesn't need a Drill Instructor. He needs a dad.

Wynn:
When we were talking you seemed like a nice guy. So either you're a great actor or you're a nice guy who lost his way. For whatever reason, a little negative re-enforcement seemed warranted... Oh currently your password is "Great big ho." Change it back to anything but "password."

Dr. Robert Chase:
Hey, I'm - I'm sorry. Let me prove it to you by taking you out for dinner followed by not sleeping. [Chuckles] I'm serious.

Wynn:
Not on your life.

Dr. Gregory House:
Cath him, and see what's stopping him from emptying his bilge. Oh, not you, Chase. Sending Captain Micropenis to deal with what's probably normal-sized equipment? That's too cruel even for me.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I was hoping to get in touch. Thing is, I'm a bit fuzzy on names. Sorry, open bar. She was sitting at Dr. Simpson's table, brunette, purple dress, low-cut.

Sanford Wells:
That's my niece, Winn Phillips.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Your niece? Fantastic.

Sanford Wells:
Her info is in your e-mail.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Also, there was a blonde, green dress.

Sanford Wells:
You want me to hook you up with two women?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Actually, three.

Dr. Gregory House:
Well done, Chase. Now turn off your phone.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You heard that? It's on vibrate.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm assuming it's been ringing almost non-stop since you changed your status update to, "Nothing lights my fire like a lady-of-size. Less than three bills, don't bother calling." Followed by your cell number.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Why are you putting hot sauce on a toy?

Dr. Gregory House:
Maybe you don't care if children chew on your caterpillar. I think it's wrong.

Teacher:
Rachel had a great time, played with everything. She's a very clever girl. I'm sorry to ask this, but we've had some problems with parents coaching kids. Rachel caught on to our toys unusually quickly, and she even knew the game was called Feed the Monkey.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Well, as eager as I am to have her go here, I promise you, I would never do that. Hey, Rachel, have you ever played Feed the Monkey before?

Rachel Cuddy:
...No, Mama.

Dr. Gregory House:
She seems so dumb. But when the pressure was on, she knew what had to be done and she did it.

Dr. Robert Chase:
We talked at the reception. That's why you hate me?

Bree:
It was fun.

Dr. Robert Chase:
It was great.

Bree:
Until I mentioned that I don't sleep with guys on the first date, and then you said you had to go to the bathroom and you never came back. Actions have consequences.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Do you take vengeance on every guy who acts like an ass? Could be a full-time job.

Dr. Gregory House:
Cuddy wants to get Rachel into Waldenwood Preschool. Problem is Rachel's dumber than a paste sandwich.

Dr. James Wilson:
And her not getting in bothers you. You care about Rachel. That was not advice.

Dr. Gregory House:
Cuddy cares about her, which means when Rachel gets rejected, Cuddy will be upset. Then, as a boyfriend, I will be expected to be supportive and consoling.

Dr. James Wilson:
Not your strengths, I grant you. Leave it alone. It's just a play date. It'll be fine.

Dr. Gregory House:
"Play date" being their code for "way to weed out the paste sandwiches." They'll hand her puzzles and counting games and Rachel will just sit there and eat the pieces.

Dr. James Wilson:
[House gets a hint and walks away] Oh, crap! Crap! I'm such a sucker.

Dr. Gregory House:
Thanks for the advice.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I'm sure some people will screw up anything. But some won't. That kind of case, he has a *chance* to turn a miserable life around.

Dr. Gregory House:
Miserable is miserable. Happy doesn't buy lottery tickets.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
Our level of happiness is set. It's in our DNA. No cash payout is gonna change that.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's like there's two of me.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Cuddy] You know, I was just thinking. How much I wanted a relationship with no sex, but where I still have to deal with your mother.

Dr. Chris Taub:
You're a popular guy.

Cyrus:
Popular wallet. Three years ago, before had a dime, I had my appendix removed. Phil was there. No one else even called.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I was having tons of sex, and I was bored - hating myself. I was never going to be ready when something real came along.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
So you're becoming some sort of supermonk, and I can't change at all?

Dr. Robert Chase:
I challenge you to go one differential without House or anyone else getting under your skin.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Since I say nothing gets to me, and you won't take me at my word, how am I supposed to prove you wrong?

Dr. Robert Chase:
I guess you can't. I hope that doesn't eat at you.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
[to House] I love being back. I mean every theory you and I share is used as proof of my own personal damage.

Dr. Gregory House:
Why haven't you been yelling at me about the Cuddy twins?

Dr. James Wilson:
Because you're doing the right thing.

Dr. Gregory House:
Are we talking about the same issue? Is there something I don't know about that I responding to appropriately?

Dr. James Wilson:
Cuddy wants you in the middle of this, so does Arlene. Because they don't want to face their own problems. Somehow in your knee-jerk juvenille response, you tripped and fell into an actual adult response to this.

Dr. Gregory House:
...You're right... That was Cuddy's strategy all along. She wanted me to *think* that she desperately needed to be there so that I wouldn't be there. [Wilson groans]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[to Arlene about House] He's being an ass. If I could join you in suing him...

Dr. Eric Foreman:
What about Chase? You believe all that nonsense about him being celibat?

Dr. Chris Taub:
Don't know. But I'm rooting for him. Read the studies. The fewer partners you have, the happier you are with your ultimate partner.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Then you're going to be miserable.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Those studies, it's important that they have control.

Dr. Gregory House:
Your High School boyfriend who dumped you. Leaving you unable to believe that anyone can rekindle and old flame.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
He dumped me after I hooked up with his sister.

Dr. Gregory House:
...Would you mind letting him down gently? I might've made promises that you can't keep.

Dr. James Wilson:
STOP! You're *both* at fault here. [to Cuddy] You - for trying to manipulate him when you used to know better. [to House] And YOU for - being you, which is an especially bad idea under the circumstances.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[to Arlene Cuddy] Mom. Here's a check. It's a settlement for all you've been through. Of course you can stay in your home, it was wrong of me to suggest otherwise.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm sorry - that we saved your life - in the way that we did.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[Foreman's trying to set Chase up with a nurse] First, he'll compliment her hair. That's how he breaks the ice. Next comes some sort of joke or story. He's sharpening his harpoon.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Are my moves that predictable?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
She's grabbing his arm. He's going in for the kill. [the nurse walks away from Chase. Foreman and Taub act like they busy. The nurse walks up to Foreman, slaps him and returns his money. Chase waves at them]

Dr. Chris Taub:
Don't let it get to you.

Arlene Cuddy:
[to House and Cuddy] Look at you two idiots. Who else is going to put up with either of you?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I asked you to move in... That meant we weren't going to reconcile. Sorry, mom. Some things take more than a common enemy. [Cuddy hugs her mom]

Arlene Cuddy:
Then you're an idiot with impossible standards.

Dr. Gregory House:
It'll end horribly.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
Not for him. She make take all his money. He may be a naive idiot. But he'll always be hopeful. So he'll always be happy.

Dr. Gregory House:
You lost your mother. Euthanized your brother. You have the life expectancy of a pretty good sit com. If you can convince yourself that you'll be miserable no matter what, even without all that stuff, maybe you don't have to hate the universe for dumping a giant turd on you. Fatalism is your survival mechanism.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
And you - dumped by everyone you ever loved. Rehab was a bust. Your leg feels like somebody took a giant bite out of it. We are who we are. Lotteries are stupid.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I need a hooker.

Dr. Gregory House:
Not if you can make that work.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
How the hell is that supposed to relax you?... It's not for me, it's for Chase.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm saving myself, too. Maybe you should get a couple.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You're riding me, why not ride him?

Dr. Gregory House:
Because I can get a rise out of your BP, his pee-pee, on the other hand... Forget yoga. Embrace Zen. You're a repressed idiot, he's a horny idiot. Neither one of you can do anything about it... Pretty sure that's Zen.

Dr. Gregory House:
Janet Hemorrhoid!

Janet:
That's not my name. It's why I'm here.

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, I see, it goes across. We better make this fast 'cause I'm about to lose my medical license for malpractice. It's nothing unusual. Head of the hospital's about to lose hers, too. [Janet walks away]

Dr. James Wilson:
I heard Cuddy quadrupled your clinic hours.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah, but you know what? I'm flying through patients.

Dr. Remy 'Thirteen' Hadley:
I just said treatment for both is chelation.

Dr. Gregory House:
I said force diuresis and try dialysis. You need a transcript?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You wanna put him on dialysis, risk infection and hemodynamic swings, when we can just chelate?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Whoa! Whoa! Settle down.

Dr. Gregory House:
If we chelate, we're not gonna know what disease he had, which means we're not gonna know if the problem was in his lousy, old job or his still lousy new life, which, for the purposes of a metaphorical argument, is very important.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Pointless to argue. He's the boss, he needs his puzzle solved. Why bang our heads against a wall?

Dr. Gregory House:
When you're done with the patient, treat Foreman by banging his head against a wall.

Cyrus:
Am I gonna live?

Dr. Gregory House:
Cut out the teratoma and what's left of your cancer, you should be fine. Think of it as your second luckiest day.

Cyrus:
It's hard to feel lucky. The woman I loved was a fraud.

Dr. Gregory House:
No, actually, a fraud was a fraud. You fell for her just the same... You may stay miserable, but your long-lost love is not gonna be the reason why.

Dr. Jessica Adams:
Echovirus.

Dr. Gregory House:
...virus, virus, virus, virus...

Dr. Chi Park:
You do know I punched the last person that pissed me off?

Dr. Jessica Adams:
[while rolling her eyes and walking away] Was it Santa?

Dr. Jessica Adams:
Smile and say thank you, or I get you GPS.

Dr. Gregory House:
Plaques... can be mistaken for nodules... which means

Dr. Robert Chase:
Syphilis

Dr. Gregory House:
explains the shoulder and foot involvement. Hope you practiced immaculate contraception

Maria Palko:
Marriages don't fail because couples get bored. They fail because, while they're dating, people pretend to be the person they think their partner wants and then - well, there's only so long you can keep that up.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Maybe they are that person when they're dating, but then they change.

Maria Palko:
People thinking their partner will change? That's another reason marriages fail. People don't change. At least not in any way that really matters.

[Wilson is flipping through House's TiVo selections]

Dr. James Wilson:
Now, why do you have a season pass to The New Yankee Workshop?

Dr. Gregory House:
It's a complete moron working with power tools, how much more suspenseful can you get?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I thought you didn't believe that anything was wrong with his throat.

Dr. Gregory House:
Never said I didn't believe it, I just said I had a good reason to doubt it.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
And now?

Dr. Gregory House:
Now, I have a good reason to doubt those doubts.

Dr. James Wilson:
My wife fired the maid. Apparently, she's getting rid of everything that reminds her of me.

Dr. Gregory House:
You did your maid?

Dr. James Wilson:
I was nice to our maid, which annoyed her. God knows why.

Dr. Gregory House:
Maybe she was doing her.

Dr. James Wilson:
No one was doing her, all right?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
He's gonna need a lung transplant.

Dr. Gregory House:
He's becoming more attractive by the minute, isn't he?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You're pleased. You think you've proved every marriage is a mistake?

Dr. Gregory House:
Do I look pleased?

Dr. Gregory House:
He's choking on his tongue, not his feet.

Dr. Gregory House:
Is the ant big and red, or small and black?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Medium and brown.

Dr. Gregory House:
Halle Berry brown or Beyonce brown?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Is there a difference?

Dr. Gregory House:
[sarcastically] Is there a difference?

Dr. James Wilson:
I was watching something.

Dr. Gregory House:
No, you were about to watch something. I'm watching something. See the difference?

Dr. Gregory House:
Chase, find out what the resort cooks with, if they painted recently, or did any plumbing repairs.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I don't speak Spanish.

Dr. Gregory House:
Then it'll be challenging.

Dr. Gregory House:
A sex fiend with a swollen tongue. Just think of all the places I can make Foreman search.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
What was I supposed to do, tie her up?

Dr. Gregory House:
Why not? She likes that.

Charlotte:
I am not having an affair with my daughter's karate instructor and I did not give my husband herpes.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Find out where House is.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
If you ask me, if two people really trust each other, a threesome once every seven years might actually help a marriage.

[everyone stares at her]

Dr. Gregory House:
Okay, I say we stop the DDX and discuss that comment.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[about a couple's threesome] Another guy or girl?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Girl. His wife's college roommate.

Dr. Robert Chase:
If he's not happily married, I don't know who could be.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're kicking me out? After one night?

Dr. Gregory House:
Why, you think we should try counseling first?

Dr. Gregory House:
You do realize that the point of metaphors is to scare people from doing things by telling them that something much scarier is going to happen. God, I wish I had a metaphor to explain that better.

Dr. Gregory House:
Where's Mrs. nympho?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
She's waiting outside. Why?

Dr. Gregory House:
Go search her.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
What, you mean search her medical records?

Dr. Gregory House:
If I'd meant that, good chance I'd have said that.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You guys don't think it's weird House knew the patient needed a heart transplant before we did any heart tests?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
That's House. He knows things.

Dr. Robert Chase:
But usually he's putting it in our face, telling us how cleverly he figured it out. This time, nothing. Just "I had a hunch".

Dr. Robert Chase:
[to a patient who won't give up her Blackberry in the radiology room] I'm pretty sure my X-Ray machine can take your phone in a fight. It'll fry it.

Dr. Wilson:
Billionaires buy movie studios to get laid. They buy hospitals to get respect.

Dr. Gregory House:
And the reason you want respect?

Dr. Wilson:
To... get laid.

Dr. Gregory House:
Read less, more TV.

Dr. Gregory House:
That's absurd. I love it.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I need you to wear your lab coat.

Dr. Gregory House:
I need two days of outrageous sex with someone obscenely younger than you. Like half your age.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
How'd she get to you?

Dr. Gregory House:
She's the CEO of Sonyo Cosmetics. Three assistants and fifteen VPs checked out who should be treating her. Who da man? I da man. I always suspected.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[to Cameron, who is being optimistic] Do you ever watch "Gilligan's Island" reruns and really, really think they're going to get off the island this time?

Dr. Wilson:
How do you know she needs a heart transplant?

Dr. Gregory House:
I got my aura read today. It said someone close to me had a broken heart.

Ricky van der Meer:
[talking about his dumb father] He had knee surgery.

Dr. Gregory House:
Right.

Ricky van der Meer:
About a year ago. And then he couldn't talk.

Dr. Gregory House:
Right. Well, that happens. It's very dangerous operating close to the vocal chords.

Dr. James Wilson:
You want to get to the bottom of this, you're doing it exactly right: don't talk to the people involved, drag your buddy away from work for some pointless speculation...

Dr. Gregory House:
You want to know how two chemicals interact, do you ask them? No. They're gonna lie through their lying little chemical teeth. Throw them in a beaker and apply heat.

Dr. Gregory House:
[looking at a CT scan] First, find the name of the company that made the insulation, and second, tell me what I'm seeing that makes me want to short their stock.

Jeffrey Reilich:
You're treating him for both diseases?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Covering all the bases.

Jeffrey Reilich:
What, throw everything against the wall and see what sticks?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Works for spaghetti.

Dr. Gregory House:
But the patient's getting better.

Dr. Robert Chase:
In *spite* of the Cytoxan.

Dr. Gregory House:
On the other hand... getting better.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Cytoxan makes him more susceptible to infection. The anthrax could relapse and be more resistant.

Dr. Gregory House:
Better!

Dr. Gregory House:
Why didn't you tell me that Rowan Chase was in to see you?

Dr. James Wilson:
Ethics... confidentiality... does any of this ring a bell?

Dr. Gregory House:
Twelve-year-olds don't have sex, right? So he can't be pregnant.

Jeffrey Reilich:
What did you do?

Dr. Gregory House:
No, what did you do, *Lord*.

Gabriel Reilich:
Who are you?

Dr. Gregory House:
The little ones call me "Uncle Greg".

Dr. Gregory House:
Clue number one - if I were Jesus, curing this kid would be as easy as turning water into wine.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Demonic possession?

Dr. Gregory House:
Close, but no wafer.

Dr. Gregory House:
You don't want to burden him because you were such a lousy dad.

Dr. Cameron:
Twelve-year-olds don't have sex.

Dr. Gregory House:
Their mistake.

Dr. Gregory House:
You can't tell Chase but I can. What should I do?

Dr. James Wilson:
Oh! This is where I give you advice and pretend you're going to listen to it. I like this part. Did Rowan ask you not to tell?

Dr. Gregory House:
I promised I wouldn't. My fingers were crossed, though, so I'm wide open.

Dr. James Wilson:
I was wrong! This is the musing-out-loud part. Do I actually need to be here?

Dr. Cameron:
You know, parents are never as bad as kids think they are.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You like my dad so much, ask him out.

Dr. Cameron:
I'd make an excellent step-mom - I'm very lenient. [pauses] He's your father, you never see him, and he's here. Unless he's done some unspeakable thing, you should lighten up.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Right, thanks for the tip.

Dr. Cameron:
Okay. [pauses] He beat your mom. [pauses again] He beat you. [pauses then again. No answer] What did he do?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Really. Don't push it.

Dr. Cameron:
All this hate. It's toxic.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Then stay away.

Dr. Gregory House:
Secret club? What's the secret? They're all morons?

Dr. Gregory House:
You're talking about your penis in the third person.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Dr. Foreman, who has a famous patient's Do Not Resuscitate order] And hang on to that DNR... That signature could be worth a lot of money real soon.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Dr. Forman] You took a chance, you did something great. You were wrong, but it was still great. You should feel great that it was great. You should feel like crap that it was wrong. That's the difference between him and me; he thinks you do your job, and what will be will be. I think that what I do, and what you do matters. He sleeps better at night, he shouldn't.

John Henry Giles:
[to House] I know that limp. I know the empty ring finger. And that obsessive nature of yours, that's a big secret. You don't risk jail and your career to save somebody doesn't want to be saved unless you got something, anything... one thing. The reason normal people got wives and kids and hobbies, whatever, that's because they ain't got that one thing that, that hits them that hard and that true. I got music. You got this. The thing you think about all the time. Thing that keeps you south of normal. Yeah, makes us great. Makes us the best. All we miss out on is everything else. No woman waiting at home after work with a drink and a kiss; that ain't gonna happen for us.

Dr. Gregory House:
You don't have a problem with what I did?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
When I hired you, I knew you were insane. I will continue to try and stop you from doing insane things, but once they're done, trying to convince an insane person not to do insane things is, in itself, insane. So when I hired you, I also set aside fifty thousand a year for legal expenses. So far, you've come in under budget.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You assaulted that man!

Dr. Gregory House:
Fine. I'll never do it again.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Yes you will.

Dr. Gregory House:
All the more reason this debate is pointless.

Dr. Gregory House:
Like I always say, there's no "I" in team. There's a "me" though, if you jumble it up.

Dr. Gregory House:
You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking.

Dr. Robert Chase:
But if we stop everything, he'll get worse.

Dr. Gregory House:
True. Then we'll add our medications back one at a time. If he gets better then we'll have our answer.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
And if he doesn't get better?

Dr. Gregory House:
Then we're in trouble. Not as much as he is. I suppose that's your point.

Dr. James Wilson:
So your philosophy is, if they don't want treatment, they get it shoved down their throat. But if it might cure their paralysis, whoa, better slow down.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[referring to House] You make enough calls, one of them is bound to be right.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Yeah, he's just a lucky, lucky guy.

Dr. Wilson:
Why are you doing this? It's not gonna keep you out of jail.

Dr. Gregory House:
No.

Dr. Wilson:
Even if you win, the restraining order and battery charge stay in place. What have you gained?

Dr. Gregory House:
Time.

Dr. Wilson:
To diagnose him? You can't get near him!

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't wanna be near him.

Dr. Wilson:
You know how some doctors have the Messiah complex, they need to save the world? You've got the Rubik's complex, you need to solve the puzzle.

Dr. Gregory House:
Are you done? Or do you have more references to 1980's fads?

Judge Winter:
The DNR order was witnessed by Doctor House's own staff... a Doctor Foreman.

Dr. Gregory House:
My staff are idiots.

John Henry Giles:
[Observing House take his pills] How many of them pills you takin'?

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm in pain.

John Henry Giles:
[after a pause] Yes... aren't we all?

Dr. Gregory House:
[hearing serious news about patient on phone] Check it again. I'll be right there.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
What happened?

Dr. Gregory House:
Apparently I can save money by switching to another long-distance carrier.

Dr. James Wilson:
We're discussing your new patient.

Dr. Gregory House:
Must be a boring discussion, considering that I haven't accepted a new patient.

Dr. Gregory House:
You lie to your mother?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Only since I was twelve!

[last lines]

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Why does he hate seeing his parents? So his Dad tells the truth, he can't handle that?

Dr. James Wilson:
He hates being a disappointment.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
He's a doctor. World famous! How disappointed can they be?

Dr. James Wilson:
You know what I figure is worse than watching your son become crippled? Watching him be miserable.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You have no evidence to support a poisoning diagnosis.

Dr. Gregory House:
Which is why it's going to be so cool when I turn out to be right.

Dr. Gregory House:
When I said I'd do anything for the money, I obviously didn't mean it.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Wilson] You bastard. You invited my parents to dinner.

Dr. Cameron:
Why would you need $5,000?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Bad night at poker or a great night with a hooker.

Dr. Gregory House:
Thank you for saving me the trouble of deflecting that personal question with a joke.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You're not curious?

Dr. Robert Chase:
I'm curious about crocs, but I don't stick my head in their mouths.

Dr. Gregory House:
Well, there's the fever that Cameron was looking for.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
We knew if it was myelitis there had to be an -itis. This must be the infection that set it off.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah. Except in this universe effect follows cause. I've complained about it, but...

John House:
Last I checked, you still have two legs.

Dr. Gregory House:
[holds up cane] Actually, three.

John House:
You know what your problem is, Greg?

Dr. Gregory House:
Shifting gears?

Dr. Gregory House:
[to EMT guy who has just tried to give instructions] If you wanted to be a doctor, maybe you should have buckled down a little more in high school.

Dr. Gregory House:
[sees bowls of candy canes set out for Christmas] Candy *canes*? Are you mocking me?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You are aware of the Hippocratic oath, right?

Dr. Gregory House:
The one that starts, "First, do no harm", then goes on to tell us: no abortions, no seductions, and definitely no cutting of those who labor beneath the stone? Yeah, took a read once. Wasn't impressed.

Sister Mary Augustine:
Why is it so difficult for you to believe in God?

Dr. Gregory House:
What I have difficulty with is the whole concept of belief. Faith isn't based on logic and experience.

Sister Mary Augustine:
I experience God on a daily basis, in the miracle of life all around, the miracle of birth, the miracle of love. He is always with me.

Dr. Gregory House:
Where is the miracle in delivering a crack-addicted baby, hmm, and watching her mother abandon her because she needs another score? Miracle of love. You're over twice as likely to be killed by the person you love than by a stranger.

Sister Mary Augustine:
I don't believe He is inside me, and is going to save me, I believe He is inside me whether I live or die.

Dr. Gregory House:
[flicks a piece of popcorn at Dr. Cuddy] Oops, I missed.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
What are you, eight?

Dr. Gregory House:
Could an eight year old do this? [sticks his tongue out and makes a messed up face]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Better stop, or it'll stick that way.

Dr. James Wilson:
Want to come over for Christmas dinner?

Dr. Gregory House:
You're Jewish.

Dr. James Wilson:
Yeah, Hanukkah dinner. What do you care? It's food, it's people.

Dr. James Wilson:
[after saying a list of possible causes for the allergy] - Maybe it's just divine will.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's not my will.

Sister Mary Eucharist:
I need to talk to you, Dr. House. Sister Augustine believes in things that aren't real.

Dr. Gregory House:
I thought that was a job requirement for you people?

Sister Mary Augustine:
I haven't seen television in over twenty years.

Dr. James Wilson:
Do you consider it the work of the devil or do you just not get it where you lie?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Okay, let's just get this person healthy. I want her going out the front door, not the back.

Dr. Gregory House:
She has God inside of her. Would have been easier to deal with a tumor.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
14 year old girl - intermittent attacks.

Dr. Gregory House:
4 year old boy - consistently at death's door.

Dr. Jessica Adams:
[Foreman starts to walk away] This patient died 5 years ago. [Foreman returns and puts the file on House's desk]

Dr. Gregory House:
I didn't say which side of the door he was on.

Dr. Chris Taub:
[to Faye about Iris] Anti-anxiety medications would explain it. If we keep her off it, she'll be moody, but healthy. [Iris vomits in the background] Or it's something else.

Dr. Gregory House:
I need to DDX a patient with you.

Dr. James Wilson:
I thought you had a team for that.

Dr. Gregory House:
According to Foreman, they're only for DDXing people who are still alive.

Dr. James Wilson:
...You have a dead patient?

Dr. Gregory House:
Bigotry is boring when we add modifiers. I don't see creed, color, pulse.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Emory] You're angry because your kid died - more than that because you don't have an answer. People need answers.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're an addict. And I'm an idiot for thinking your addictions were limited to pills, anti-social behavior and sarcasm.

Dr. Gregory House:
[House belches] Sorry Vicodin repeating on me.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're also addicted to puzzles. You show all the classic behaviors: lying, neglecting responsibilities, and you can't stop - no matter how desvesting the consequences.

Emory:
Aren't there actual medical tests?

Dr. Gregory House:
Dead patients usually get lower standard of care. Pink means lead. Orange means mercury. And rust mean arsenic.

Emory:
What's brown mean?

Dr. Gregory House:
[Picking up the glass] Scotch.

Dr. James Wilson:
Why do you care if he works on two cases?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Because next it'll be 3 cases, then 4. Then animal cases and ghost cases. And then animal ghost cases. Assuming we are talking about House.

Dr. Gregory House:
I found out where your boyfriend lives. When I paid him a visit, he took off. Ran in front of a car.

Iris:
You're lying.

Dr. Gregory House:
He's down in the ER right now.

Iris:
Shut up you lying sack of crap.

Faye:
Iris!

Dr. Gregory House:
How do you know I'm lying? How do you know your boyfriend's okay?

Iris:
'Cause I'm right here, you dick!

Dr. Gregory House:
What idiot did the pregnancy test?

Dr. Jessica Adams:
I did one of them. Chase did another. Taub did a third. 3 tests, 3 positives. What happened to your eye?

Dr. Gregory House:
I grabbed Park's ass.

Dr. James Wilson:
Two trains are about to collide and I'm trying to talk them out of it.

Dr. Gregory House:
You're right.

Dr. James Wilson:
You don't even know what I just said.

Dr. Gregory House:
That is ridiculous. You said "Blah blah blah blah. Deaf ears. Blah blah blah blah." Absolutely essential information.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Which means it's too late for me to back down. It's no longer my choice. It's just me - telling me he can get away with anything... I have to send him to prison.

Dr. James Wilson:
[Wilson sighs and rises] Your job is to keep this machine running. It's your choice to make House a useful tool, or a monkey wrench. Cuddy's way didn't fail. Because she didn't try to control House. She *managed* him. She knew better than anyone what tool he can be.

Milton:
I prepared the sarcophagus for you.

Dr. Gregory House:
Thank you, Igor.

Milton:
It's Milton.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Can I talk to you about something in confidence?

Dr. Wilson:
Of course.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
It's about House.

Dr. Wilson:
Oh, then, no.

Dr. Gregory House:
I don't care what anybody says. I care what they do. Right now, Blackpoleon Blackaparte has got the nurses on red alert, I can't get into the patient's room. So come on, I'll draw the enemy fire, you outflank them, get in there, get the bone marrow sample.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
It's the irony of change, they don't like other women in charge. What, you think it's something else?

Dr. Robert Chase:
You sabotaged yourself. You went on a date with House, you slept with me. Putting you in charge of this department is like a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Yeah, they're really worried that I'm going to create a hostile work environment.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Maybe that's the problem. Being in charge means having say no to House. Would you hire you for that?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
[looking through Anica's home] There's even books in the bathroom.

Dr. Gregory House:
Well either she's very smart, or she has a severe fiber deficiency.

Dr. Gregory House:
Sorry, I missed that. Hearing's been off since the Ricky Martin concert. Some cholo kicked me in the head.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
She's got an appointment with her ophthalmologist on Tuesday and an appointment with her gynecologist on Thursday. Multiple appointments with multiple doctors, symptom of Munchausen's.

Dr. Gregory House:
Or... just thinking outside the box here, she has a vagina and trouble reading.

Dr. Gregory House:
Do you like Teeny Tiny Moe in the fifth?

Anica Jovanovich:
I went 4 for 6 yesterday. You want winners, cure me first.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
What do you expect me to do, House? Quit? Cry?

Dr. Gregory House:
Actually, I expect you to act like what you are: my employee, my subordinate, my b*tch.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
[to a suspected Munchhausens patient] This is a consent form to stick a wire into your brain. It's important for hospitals to get these signed for procedures that are completely unnecessary.

Dr. Gregory House:
Is anybody here a doctor?

Dr. Robert Chase:
Gambling doesn't take away his pain.

Dr. Gregory House:
[enters] It does if I win.

Dr. Cameron:
How would you describe my leadership skills?

Dr. Gregory House:
Nonexistent... otherwise, excellent.

Dr. Cameron:
There's more to being a leader than being a jerk!

Dr. Gregory House:
The world will never know.

Dr. Gregory House:
You have an infection. I'm gonna to need a sample.

Hailey:
I brought the jar.

Dr. Gregory House:
No, I meant a sample of your...

Dr. Gregory House:
[she holds up a jar of strawberry jelly. House is stunned] Okay, we have a neurological problem here.

Hailey:
There's something wrong with my brain?

Dr. Gregory House:
[trying not to laugh] Oh, yeah.

Anica Jovanovich:
You know, I was going to ask what a respectable doctor was doing in an OTB parlor... somehow, that question doesn't seem relevant any more.

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, bite me!

Dr. Gregory House:
Eighth time's the charm!

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[mocking House] "The body does crazy things". Well, that explains everything.

Dr. Robert Chase:
I'd give her two months.

Dr. Gregory House:
On the bright side, it still means I was right.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Foreman] Nice move, boss. Way to cover your ass.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Did you get the medical records faxed over?

Dr. Gregory House:
Work smart, not hard, that's my philosophy boss.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I'll take that as a no.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You injected her against her will, just so you could be right?

Dr. Gregory House:
She consented.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
She's mentally ill!

Dr. Gregory House:
But she smells oh so sweet.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to a patient] What else turns you on? Drugs? Casual sex? Rough sex? Casual rough sex? I'm a doctor, I need to know.

Dr. Gregory House:
Chase killed that woman and Foreman's in charge?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Yeah, we have a pecking order here. If Cameron kills someone, Chase takes over. We have a flowchart in the lobby.

Dr. Gregory House:
You probably shouldn't have sex for a while.

Hailey:
For how long?

Dr. Gregory House:
On an evolutionary basis, I'd recommend forever.

Dr. Gregory House:
I can be a jerk to people I haven't slept with. I'm that good.

[Dr. House, to delay a surgery, has violently sneezed and coughed all over the sterile field]

Anesthesiologist:
There's no way we can do the surgery now...

Dr. Hourani:
[shouts] Ya think?

Mr. Foster:
What is your problem?

Dr. Gregory House:
Bum leg, what's yours?

Dr. Gregory House:
That's why you're here? She wants you to keep an eye on me, make sure I don't cheat.

Dr. Wilson:
No, I wanted to make sure you don't start firing shots from the clock tower.

Dr. Gregory House:
I take risks, sometimes patients die, but not taking risks causes more patients to die - so I guess my biggest problem is I've been cursed with the ability to do the math.

Dr. Gregory House:
... and chicks dig this.

[waves cane]

Dr. Gregory House:
Better than a puppy!

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm not lonely. My leg hurts.

Dr. Wilson:
She's a real masseuse.

Dr. Gregory House:
She's $500 an hour, minimum.

Dr. Wilson:
She's hot so she's a hooker? What kind of pathetic logic is that?

Dr. Gregory House:
The envious, jealous, I-never-got-any-in-high-school kind of logic.

Dr. Wilson:
She's a legitimate masseuse. Come on. She's beautiful.

Dr. Gregory House:
Because she's beautiful I should do it? What kind of pathetic logic is that?

Dr. Wilson:
The envious, jealous, I'm-married-and-I-can't-do-anything logic.

Dr. Gregory House:
Your fourth diagnostic criterion for lupus is psychosis. This is just a kid missing his cat.

Dr. Robert Chase:
He was being attacked by an animal that wasn't in the room! That's psychosis.

Dr. Gregory House:
There is a difference between psychosis and hallucination.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
So if he was imagining a fake cat it would be lupus, but since it was a real cat it's not?

Dr. Wilson:
You learn anything?

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah... I'm an addict.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[goes into House's office] Hey! Did you drop acid?

Dr. Gregory House:
Why would I do that?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
To annoy me or maybe because you're miserable or because you want to self-destruct. Pick one.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
House! You can't do this!

Dr. Gregory House:
Oh, if I had a nickel for everytime I heard that.

Dr. Gregory House:
I didn't know people actually read e-mails, the delete button is so conveniently located.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to an anesthesiologist] God, you're good! You're putting me to sleep!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You induced a migraine headache in a coma patient?

Dr. Gregory House:
Gave him a little headache, similar to the one you're giving me now.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Have you even read an ethical guideline?

Dr. James Wilson:
This guy's name is Weber, not von Lieberman.

Dr. Gregory House:
I call Weber "von Lieberman." Way eviler.

Dr. Weber:
You cannot test this on an abnormal brain.

Dr. Gregory House:
That's so close-minded. He's not abnormal, he's special.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Been looking for you.

Dr. Gregory House:
Been avoiding you.

Dr. Weber:
Do I know you?

Dr. Gregory House:
I know your math skills, they blow.

Dr. James Wilson:
Touche.

Dr. James Wilson:
You have got to find less debilitating outlets than humilating people. I hear bowling is more fun than stalking.

Dr. Gregory House:
But I'm better at this.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Did you sign this?

Dr. Gregory House:
Uh, yeah. We can talk later about the appropriate discipline.

[to Adam's parents]

Dr. Gregory House:
He has a cigarette burn on his wrist. Also a fading nicotine stain between two fingers. Bad news, your son has a filthy, unhealthy habit. Good news, he's trying to quit. Bad news, quitting is killing him. Good news, I can cure him. Bad news... no, that's the end of it.

Dr. James Wilson:
[to House, who is suffering from a migraine that he deliberately gave himself] Dr Jekyll, I presume. They found a half-eaten sheep in the zoo, police wanna ask you a few questions...

Dr. Weber:
[to House, who's in disguise] Who are you?

Dr. James Wilson:
[sotto voice] Just a lunatic who needs a hobby.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Could pain medicine cause an orgasm?

Dr. Gregory House:
I wish.

Dr. James Wilson:
[House waiting to sandbag a past fellow Hopkins student] I hear bowling is interesting for some people.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm better at this.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[about Amber] Are you sure she doesn't just want to drag you back to her lair, hang you upside down, and lay her eggs inside of you?

Dr. James Wilson:
Excellent disguise, House.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Wilson about Amber] You don't like strong. You don't like assertive. You like needy. She's dying isn't she?

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Wilson about Amber] She's scary. Why does scary need pathetic?

Dr. Gregory House:
People don't change. For example, I'm gonna keep repeating "People don't change."

Amber Volakis:
I call you Greg because we're now social equals.

Dr. Gregory House:
And I call you Cutthroat B*tch, well, quod erat demonstrandum. And I speak in Latin because I don't try to hide what an ass I am.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Wilson about Amber] This isn't just about sex. You like her personality. You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves... Oh my God, you're sleeping with me. [quickly exits the restaurant]

Kutner:
Saw Amber drop Wilson off this morning.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yes. The male always drives the female.

Dr. Gregory House:
Cross-species mating. If you like Darwin and the Galapagos.

Dr. James Wilson:
Amber and I have a lot in common.

Dr. Gregory House:
She's a cutthroat b*tch. You cry over Dark Victory.

Dr. James Wilson:
Bette Davis, another strong assertive woman.

Dr. Gregory House:
I thought Amber scared you guys.

Kutner:
She does, but she also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.

Dr. Gregory House:
So do Canadians - doesn't mean I want to date one.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit in them.

Thirteen:
You've been working for House a long time.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
No need for name calling.

Dr. James Wilson:
Amber is exactly what I need and you would agree if you weren't mired in self-loathing topped with a thin crust of megalomania.

Dr. Gregory House:
Hey, that's my best friend's girl you're talking about.

Dr. Gregory House:
She's a needy version of me.

Dr. James Wilson:
Hard to imagine such a mythical creature.

Dr. James Wilson:
C'est la vie, and I use the French because you're an ass.

Amber Volakis:
Why do you have to believe that I have an ulterior motive?

Dr. Gregory House:
For the same reason I believe that crack whores can have sex. For crack.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You want more time? Joshua got God to make the sun stand still. No reason God can't speed it up. And, by God, I of course mean you.

Dr. Gregory House:
I told you we needed you.

Dr. James Wilson:
Are you being self-sacrificing?

Dr. Gregory House:
I'll sacrifice a lab rat, I'll sacrifice a fly, I'll sacrifice $200 on a mudder at Monmouth Park. I don't sacrifice self. Shabbat shalom, Wilson.

Dr. James Wilson:
Shabbat shalom, House.

Dr. Gregory House:
I need you to sleep with Wilson.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[incredulously] Good morning.

Dr. Gregory House:
You do it both ways right?

Thirteen:
What?

Dr. Gregory House:
The Ultrasound: do it standing up and lying down... What else would I mean?

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Wilson] I've decided you could do a lot worse than female proxy for me.

Dr. James Wilson:
So you're going to acknowledge that people can change?

Dr. Gregory House:
No.

Dr. James Wilson:
You think I've changed? Or Amber's changed?

Dr. Gregory House:
Nope.

Dr. James Wilson:
Then YOU'VE changed!

Dr. Gregory House:
If you do change, can't it be the part of you that chases me down the halls trying to change me?

Dr. James Wilson:
Do you know what this means?

Dr. Gregory House:
That you've made ONE good dating choice. The fabric of the space-time continum could unravel.

Dr. James Wilson:
My whole world could expand. I could form a long term connection that isn't with you. And since you put the darkest possible construction on everything, you could end up losing a friend... You've thought of all this, and yet you're going along with it. Are you being self-sacrificing?

Dr. Gregory House:
[after Chase explains the patient's decision to wait 8 hours despite being advised against it by a rabbi] Nice work, Chase!

Dr. Robert Chase:
[sarcastically] Yeah, I should have had twin rabbis called.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Why do you need me?

Dr. Gregory House:
Because saying "Nice work, Chase," is far less effective if you're not here.

Dr. Gregory House:
In this temple, I am Dr. Yahweh

Dr. Gregory House:
How's our mental Yental?

Dr. Gregory House:
You like that!

Dr. Wilson:
It's annoying, but she's good at it.

Dr. Gregory House:
Wait a second. This isn't just about the sex. You like her personality. You like that she's kniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves [stops abruptly] Oh my God. You're sleeping with me!

Dr. Gregory House:
Stop that Jew!

Kutner:
Congratulations on your wedding. You have a degenerative incurable disease.

Dr. Gregory House:
I thought Amber scared you guys?

Kutner:
She does. She also has legs that go all the way up to Canada.

Dr. Gregory House:
Religion is a symptom of irrational belief and groundless hope.

[last lines]

Dr. James Wilson:
[to House] We're not friends anymore House... I'm not sure we ever were.

Dr. James Wilson:
I need a change of scenery.

Dr. Gregory House:
Buy a plant!

Dr. Gregory House:
So you're treating professional sports injuries now?

Patient:
Oh, no, I'm not...

Dr. Gregory House:
...familiar with the concept of sarcasm. Don't sweat it, it's new.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You are not listening to me, are you?

Dr. Gregory House:
Try it sometime - you'll see why.

Lou:
I would rather spend my life close to the birds than waste it wishing I had wings.

Dr. Gregory House:
I like you better now that you're dying.

Thirteen:
I was wrong.

Dr. Gregory House:
You took a shot.

Thirteen:
She's going back to work for that idiot. It's pathetic.

Dr. Gregory House:
You thought something would change?

Thirteen:
She almost died. Because of that job. Yeah, I... I thought...

Dr. Gregory House:
Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
[about Wilson] You want me to sleep with him to get him to stay?

Dr. Gregory House:
I put the bisexual chick on that. If you'd like to sit in, so to speak...

Overweight Patient:
The two of you used to be together?

Dr. Gregory House:
[sarcastically] She dumped me when I lost the last 85 pounds. Said it was less of me to love.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[about Wilson] Tell him you're sorry.

Dr. Gregory House:
I didn't kill her!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You were drunk and...

Dr. Gregory House:
...yeah! If her daddy hadn't been drunk she might've never been born so...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You called her up in the middle of the night. She was on the bus because of you.

Dr. Gregory House:
I didn't ask her to come out. I wasn't driving the bus. I wasn't driving the garbage truck that hit the bus. And I did not prescribe her the flu meds that killed her.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Yes, I know. That's all true but...

[realizes that House is still senseless]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You really don't feel any sense of guilt?

Dr. Gregory House:
Patient's in cardiac arrest. Ouchy!

Dr. Chris Taub:
She's bleeding from... nowhere.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Who wants to go service House, so this patient can live?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[after House opens his door] Mind if I come in?

Dr. Gregory House:
Not at all. Mind if I leave?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Talk to each other.

Dr. Gregory House:
How are you doing? Good?

Dr. James Wilson:
Fine, thanks.

[they both get up to leave]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Eh, eh, eh, eh, sit!

[they both sit back]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
See? The two of you are friends. Look how you both...

Dr. Gregory House:
...think you're an idiot. We both also eat with forks. That doesn't really prove...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Talk to him! Tell him how you feel about what he's doing.

Dr. Gregory House:
I told him he's an idiot.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Tell him what you think about him leaving.

Dr. Gregory House:
I think he's an idiot.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You're an idiot. He's in pain, and your response is just to emotionally blackmail him!

Dr. Gregory House:
You told me what's your position on this one. You're against it, right?

Dr. James Wilson:
She hasn't told you in front of me. She needs to prove she's on my side.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[to Wilson] Go to hell!

Dr. Gregory House:
So much for that theory.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You want me to do a *second* major surgery, on a patient we almost lost during a *first* major surgery, to see if she needs a *third* major surgery?

Thirteen:
Then what do you suggest? Because the patient's got a high fever, a low heart rate and a dim chance of survival if we stand here like idiots.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Then I suggest you don't stand there like idiots.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Why do you think Wilson's leaving?

Dr. Gregory House:
How many times do I have to use the word "idiot"?

Thirteen:
Why is everyone leaping to conclude a strong career woman's been made sick by her strong career? It's not [Vitamin] B12! It's an Insulinoma in her pancreas... it's making her hypoglycemic.

Dr. Gregory House:
[sarcastically] Oh, great! Now everyone knows!

Dr. Chris Taub:
You knew she had cancer?

Dr. Gregory House:
Is that what she said? I thought she said: "I am suddenly and irrationally defending the patient's strong career, even though in reality she's just a glorified grunt, because I am trying to convince myself that it's okay not to have a life, because I don't have a life, because I was tested for Huntington's and my lifespan's been cut in half." Been waiting for two months for her to say that.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm busy.

Thirteen:
We need you to...

Dr. Gregory House:
Actually, as you can see, I'm not busy. It's just an euphemism for "get the hell out of here!"

Lou:
Hey, who are you?

Thirteen:
This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[about Wilson] When was the last time you talked to him?

Dr. Gregory House:
I think it was after... when did his girlfriend die? He wanted time alone. Considered being a horrendous pain in the ass but I didn't want to step on your turf.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
We just got a call from Patty Mishner from Women's Majority, the women's rights...

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
We know who she is.

Dr. Gregory House:
I dated her. Well not really dated her - more metaphorically raped her by having a penis.

[to Foreman]

Dr. Gregory House:
You did, too.

Dr. Gregory House:
Almost dying changes nothing. Dying changes everything.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You think you're making a rational choice. You think the worst is over, and then six months later, you look back and you realize you didn't know what you were doing.

Dr. James Wilson:
Are you saying the pain doesn't go away?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
It gets easier. Not in two months. Not in two years. But, no, it never really goes away.

Dr. James Wilson:
I have to do something.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Then do it. But don't think it's the right choice, because there isn't one.

Thirteen:
I'm Dr. Remy Hadley from Princeton Plainsboro Hospital. We're treating your daughter, Sophia, for leukemia, and we need to test both you and your wife for bone marrow donation.

[as Foreman rushes away from them]

Dr. Robert Chase:
I think we gave him an idea.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Or he's off to kill House.

Evan:
Maybe he just needs to poop.

Evan:
You can make him better, right? You HAVE to make him better.

Sophia:
Can't come between a man and his beer money.

Dr. Chris Taub:
If you're this grown up at 16, what happens at 30?

Thirteen:
You turn back into a kid... like Kutner.

Dr. Chris Taub:
Kutner's not that bad.

Thirteen:
He needs everything to be nice. Wants to see the best in everyone.

Sophia:
[to Kutner] So you don't believe me or the test. You guys are more cynical than I am.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I've looked down one end and up the other. All tests came back clean. I can't figure this out.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You can't? Don't you work with three other doctors, and a grouchy gimp?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
This isn't House's case.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[pause. Chase takes the folder] Just so you know, whatever you're trying to prove, it won't be enough.

Dr. Robert Chase:
There's a point when Cameron and I aren't enough.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
We're not there!

Dr. Gregory House:
Well since she's still dying, the arsenic obviously wasn't killing her. Since she's now getting worse, the arsenic was obviously fighting the killer. It's a hero. We should be organizing a parade.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You're a hypocrite! If our job is to find out what's killing patients, you'd help this kid. But you'd rather play mind games to prove your the only one with magical powers.

Dr. Gregory House:
You wanted something all your own. Now you've got it.

Dr. Gregory House:
This makes sense. How long did it take for her to come up with it?

Dr. Chris Taub:
It was her *immediate* reaction.

Dr. Gregory House:
That doesn't make sense.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
The fact that it makes sense, *doesn't* make sense?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Three days ago you said "no."

Dr. Gregory House:
Three days ago you asked me. Now you told me. Can't say "no" if it's not a question.

Dr. Gregory House:
You seem to have me confused with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Dr. Gregory House:
I quit.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[pause] You can't quit.

Dr. Gregory House:
I think you're confusing me with Jake Gyllenhaal.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I want to run the department.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You consider waiting until House clears the lobby before you start angling for his job?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
He's not dead, or sentimental. And somebody need to do it.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Not necessarily, Departments of Diagnostic Medicine don't exist. Only reason we have one is House.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
House was an egotistical pill popping law suit magnet... and a genius. And I worked with him longer than anybody else. I can do this.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Look at that. No House, the job still gets down.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
And yet, something's missing.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I'm short. He's black. You're gay-ish.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
That's it.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
[Foreman picks up House's red ball] You know how House feels about people touching his ball.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
No. Chase refuses to tell me.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Right. My husband's gay. Witty.

Vince:
So you must be the genius's replacement.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I prefer to think of myself as genius 2.0.

Dr. Gregory House:
We flirted. We kissed. I fondled. I hallucinated a night with you and yelled it from a hospital balcony. You're not a narcissist.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
So what am I?

Dr. Gregory House:
Not the reason I'm leaving.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
...House... I'm going to miss you.

Cecile:
Lady, either kiss him or leave. We've got work to do. [Cuddy leaves]

Dr. Gregory House:
You couldn't just keep your trap shut.

Cecile:
Make the damn goochi.

Dr. Gregory House:
Bed is for sissies. Unless you're having sex, in which case... no, bed is still for sissies.

Dr. Gregory House:
By the way tell the other lepers their absence has been noted.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
Cameron didn't come by?

Dr. Gregory House:
Daddy's little co-dependent is all grown-up. Making room for daddy's hot bi-sexual's boyfriend problems.

Dr. Chris Taub:
[after announcing his resignation] It's nothing personal. Actually, I think you're doing very well. But I came here to work with House.

Dr. James Wilson:
We *know* you're back on vicodin.

Dr. Gregory House:
No, the only thing you know is that I'm a genius who got a dog to pee in your toilet. You don't know how I did it, or more interestingly where I peed.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
You're breaking up with me?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
No! The other night when I thought I was done, you were there. I *need* you. I don't want to lose you.

Thirteen - Dr. Hadley:
Uh, why are you...?... You're firing me.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I'm sorry.

Dr. Gregory House:
The hospital is part of my old life. If I go back. I might become who I was before pills and all.

Dr. Darryl Nolan:
That's a possibility. But could be... the only thing worse for you than going back to Diagnostic Medicine is not going back.

Dr. Gregory House:
...Gues we're going to find out.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
You saw House, how was he?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
He was... good. He was honest, took responsibility. It was kind of weird.

[House is discussing a patient's status]

Dr. Gregory House:
He has a bullet in his head.

Dr. Cameron:
He was shot?

Dr. Gregory House:
No, somebody threw it at him.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[laughing, as the cop shakes violently and bleeds] He's screwed! We clot his blood he dies. We thin it, he dies!

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[as others look at him, momentarily serious] Am I the only one who thinks this is funny?

[beat; he starts laughing again]

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Drugs?

Dr. Robert Chase:
He's a cop.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Good point. How about... drugs?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I can't even imagine the backwards logic you used to rationalize shooting a corpse.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
He's not proud of me, he's proud of Jesus. Everything I do right is God's work, everything I do wrong... is my own damn fault.

Dr. Cameron:
The chance of infection is next to nothing.

Dr. Gregory House:
Yeah, I was never that great at math, but next to nothing is higher than nothing, right?

Dr. Cameron:
[explaining why she thinks Foreman should be off the case] He doesn't like cops.

Dr. Gregory House:
Foreman, policemen are our friends. If you and I ever get separated shopping...

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Police-issue Kevlar vests don't have the ceramic plating insert that would shatter a bullet. They would just catch it. So the bullet shattered on its own. Meaning Baby Shoes was using 38-caliber hollow-points which, unfortunately, are ferromagnetic.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's just so cool that you know that.

Dr. Robert Chase:
You want to give Foreman a brain biopsy?

Dr. Gregory House:
C'mon, really, who doesn't?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Get out of my temporal lobe, House.

Rodney Foreman:
My son says you're a manipulative bastard.

Dr. Gregory House:
It's a pet name. I call him Doctor Bling.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Don't downplay this, House. You put both of them in isolation for a reason. Joe's death elevates this situation to a bio-safety level three.

Dr. Gregory House:
Ooh, level three. You should call Jack Bauer.

Dr. James Wilson:
[enters House's office to see House staring intently at his laptop] You're accessing a webcam?

Dr. Gregory House:
Cuddy's shower. You a fan of the Brazilian?

Rose:
[House makes silly noises to a little girl to try to evoke a seizure] You're a goof!

Dr. Gregory House:
Takes one to know one, loser... wait, that means, I'm a loser, scratch that.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
[House wants to know why Foreman's disease is progressing much faster than Joe's]... Foreman's black.

Dr. Gregory House:
What? How long have you been sitting on this information?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
You know I've had no choice.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Of course you had a choice!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Regulations are clear.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
And the punishment for violating those regulations? Is it death? Hmm? Because frankly, I'm okay if you get a fine, a suspension... hell, you can spend a couple of years in *jail*, if it *saves my life*!

Rodney Foreman:
[crying, speaking to Eric] I don't want to miss you.

[House comes in with Foreman's father]

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
What is this?

Dr. Gregory House:
He's not a what, he's a who. They even have the right to vote now.

Dr. Gregory House:
Cameron, what type of illnesses affect humans but not rats?

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Why are you asking me that?

Dr. Gregory House:
Because I'm sure that you spent the first twelve years of your life dreaming of being a vet.

Dr. James Wilson:
So this is your plan, just sit here and watch your rat all day?

Dr. Gregory House:
Eh, it shouldn't take long. Got the AC blasting, I soaked the floor of his cage... [Wilson looks fairly disgusted] As soon as he gets sick, I do an autopsy.

Dr. James Wilson:
As soon as he's dead.

Dr. Gregory House:
Right after he gets sick, there's a good chance he'll get hit in the head with a cane-shaped object. [House twirls his cane]

[last lines]

Dr. James Wilson:
When the cancer starts getting really bad...

Dr. Gregory House:
Cancer's boring.

Dr. Lawrence Kutner:
Death is the opposite of a cool puzzle, it's eternal nothingness.

Dr. James Wilson:
You think he'd do something stupid?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I think stupid is our best option.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're destroying your entire life. You can't go back from this. You'll go to jail for years. You can never be a doctor again.

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm dead, Wilson. How do you want to spend your last five months?

Stacy Warner:
If I thought you were capable of listening, I'd shut up.

Dr. Gregory House:
That makes no sense at all.

Stacy Warner:
Why does this matter to you?

Dr. Gregory House:
It's an anomaly. Anomalies bug me.

Stacy Warner:
Then you're going to suffer.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[to Foreman] The only thing you've been asked to do is supervise House in case he does something insane.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Which might, you know, save a life.

Dr. Gregory House:
You know, "Stacy" in the original Greek means "relationship killer".

Dr. Robert Chase:
You're not my boss.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I'm House's boss. House is your boss. The math is pretty simple.

Peter Foster:
Patient, 62 years old, you prescribe Viagra. I looked in vain for the words "erectile dysfunction" in the notes for... Delores Smith?

Dr. Gregory House:
I teach you to lie, cheat, and steal, and as soon as my back is turned you wait in line?

Dr. Wilson:
[Wilson calls House on Stacy's cell phone] Do you know your phone's dead? Do you ever recharge your batteries?

Dr. Gregory House:
They recharge? I just keep buying new phones.

Fletcher Stone:
Couldn't tackle the bear. They took my stain.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
If a human being had actually *looked* at his blood anywhere along the way, instead of just running tests through the computer, the parasites would have jumped out at them.

Dr. Allison Cameron:
Price of the electronic age.

Martha Masters:
He already jumped off a hotel balcony. Who knows what he'll do next.

Dr. Robert Chase:
[Noticing House pass by the office] Ride some kind of... prostitute chariot to work.

Dr. James Wilson:
So you're doing some random stranger a favor? It's illegal. People go to jail for that. Pay huge fees.

Dr. Gregory House:
Have you seen me practice medicine? You know how much it costs to have a live-in maid, personal assistant, cook, massage therapist, whore. I do. She's willing to work 4 days a week for free. It's gonna save me about $30,000. All I have to do is say two word: "I do."

Dr. James Wilson:
And if she doesn't see it this way?

Dr. Gregory House:
Iron clad pre-nup. We go our separate ways. Your stunned look, I take it, it's your way of saying "Brilliant idea House."

Dr. Gregory House:
Once an addict, always an addict. [House takes some vicodin]

Martha Masters:
Can you please not... do that in front of me?

Dr. Gregory House:
Doubt it. You're the main reason I'm on this stuff.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I think we should boycott this wedding on principle.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I kind of have to go. His fiancee did give me a foot massage. And he invited me to be in his wedding party.

Dr. Chris Taub:
W-What about Chase? Did he ask him?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
Yep. He's in it.

Dr. Chris Taub:
What the Hell?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You said you weren't even going.

Dr. Chris Taub:
I still have feelings.

Dominika:
In your head!

Dr. Gregory House:
That's "face."

Dominika:
On your face!

Dr. Gregory House:
Close enough.

Dr. Gregory House:
She's dying of guilt. Feels horrible for dumping me. It's great. I mean not the dumping part, but now the part where she'll let me do whatever I want.

Dr. James Wilson:
So you're just trying to punish her? She feels bad enough, and now your only goal is to take advantage.

Dr. Gregory House:
That's not true. I got plenty of goals. One of them is a 60 inch flatscreen right there.

Dr. James Wilson:
You're a lot of things, House. But you've never been a sadist. You're pummeling an opponent who won't fight back.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
[House is driving the team in a monster truck] Would you slow down? You're gonna get us arrested!

Dr. Chris Taub:
I wouldn't worry about it. We'll probably die first!

Dr. Gregory House:
Don't make me take my shoe off!

Dr. Chris Taub:
It's a fake marriage but a *real* honeymoon?

Dr. Gregory House:
Most are.

Dr. James Wilson:
[to Cuddy] You're the first boss he's ever had who could handle him. Before you, he was either fired or buried under a mountain of malpractice suits. He *needs* someone to say no. He needs someone he'll listen to when they say no. If you really care about him, you'll stop feeling sorry for him and get out there and start kicking him where he needs kicking.

Dr. Gregory House:
Adult refsum disease... Fits all symptoms. Body can't process the phtanic acid and chorophyll. It's his healthy diet of green vegetables that's killing him.

Dr. Gregory House:
[after they've been married] I can't.

Dominika:
Why not?

Dr. Gregory House:
I never sleep with married women. You can take the couch.

Danny Jennings:
Who are you? What are you doing?

Dr. Gregory House:
Test.

Danny Jennings:
Who are you?

Dr. Gregory House:
The important question is, "Who are you?" Danny Jennings is dead, which means that Danny Jennings has no pulse, which you, on the other hand, do. Ergo, you are not Danny Jennings. Or I did the test wrong. So, why don't you cut the crap and tell me your real name?

Danny Jennings:
No.

Dr. Gregory House:
Hiding your identity. Either you're a criminal or a superhero.

Danny Jennings:
I'm not a criminal.

Dr. Gregory House:
Awesome. What color is my underwear?

Danny Jennings:
I didn't OD by accident. I was trying to kill myself.

Martha Masters:
Why?

Danny Jennings:
Because I've done things. Horrible things. I've hurt people. But when I didn't die, I thought... I thought God forgave me. But he just wanted me to suffer, and I deserve it.

Martha Masters:
No. You don't deserve it.

Dr. Robert Chase:
They say true love doesn't exist anymore. Maybe it never did. So, without further ado... Do you, Dominika Patrova, take this man to be your lawfully-wedded husband?

Dominika:
I do.

Dr. Robert Chase:
And do you, Gregory House, take this woman to be your lawfully-wedded wife?

Dr. Gregory House:
Yep.

Dr. Robert Chase:
Then by the power vested in me by the state of New Jersey just for today, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride. [people clap]

Danny Jennings:
So, all I have to do is eat the right kinds of food and I'll be okay?

Martha Masters:
Basically, yeah. It's pretty limiting and it is for the rest of your life, but if you follow the diet and get checked up regularly, you should be fine.

Danny Jennings:
Thank you.

Martha Masters:
Mmm-hmm.

Danny Jennings:
For not giving up on me.

Martha Masters:
You're not a bad person. You made mistakes, but we all do. Maybe when you get out of here, you can go talk to someone, a professional.

Danny Jennings:
Yeah... Yeah, some of those places you suggested have people on staff. You know, I think God really does have a plan for me. And all this? It was just his way of testing my resolve. I wouldn't have passed it without you.

Dr. Gregory House:
But this guy has been sleeping on a bed of dog poop. I wouldn't be surprised if he got six different symptoms for six different reasons.

Martha Masters:
The bleed could be caused by a GI obstruction.

Dr. Gregory House:
Vitamin OD makes sense and it's easier to treat. Give him tocopherol and zinc supplements for the excess vitamin A. If we're right, he could go homeless tomorrow.

Martha Masters:
And if we're wrong, his intestines could get further distressed while we ignore the GI obstruction.

Dr. Gregory House:
See what happens when women don't have to serve men to stay in the country? They get uppity. This is why we invented green cards.

Dr. Gregory House:
[sees cane store owner brought out] Bitchinnnnn...

Dr. Wilson:
I treat patients for months... maybe years! Not weeks, like you!

Dr. Gregory House:
I'm taller.

Dr. Gregory House:
You have only one decision to make: do you leave here with one dead son or two?

Dr. Eric Foreman:
He has acute scrotum.

Dr. Gregory House:
"Adorable". Please... it's much more dignified.

Dr. Gregory House:
[pause] C'mon, how'm I *not* supposed to make that joke.

Dr. Wilson:
[to Matty] We just had to make sure you weren't exposed to any bugs, because your healthy bone marrow is what's gonna cure your brother's leukemia.

[Matty sneezes]

Dr. Gregory House:
[Gives folder to Foreman] Hey, you're not gonna believe what happened. Wilson just killed a kid same way you did.

Dr. Wilson:
He's not dead.

Dr. Gregory House:
Five days are just gonna fly by. He didn't look both ways before he nuked.

Dr. Gregory House:
You did good.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I did what you would have.

Dr. Gregory House:
Well, maybe I'm biased, but...

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I tortured the kid.

Dr. Gregory House:
Because you knew it was right. You knew you were saving his brother.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
I know. I don't like that I know. I hate that I can listen to a kid screaming in pain and not even question whether I'm doing the right thing. I hate that in order to be like you as a doctor, I have to be like you as a human being. I don't want to turn into you.

Dr. Gregory House:
You're not. You've been like me since you were eight years old.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
You'll save more people than I will. But I'll settle for killing less. Consider this my two weeks' notice.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Which other symptoms, mom?

Arlene:
No her fault. This Dean of Medicine stuff, very impressive at parties, but she's forgotten how to be a real doctor. It's all in my file.

Dr. Gregory House:
There are 15 years of clinic visits in this file.

Arlene:
I don't want to be a bother, but isn't that what you do for a living?

Dr. Gregory House:
Just some stuff that can cause sever naseau, and permanent erctile disfunction. And which proves that your mom is doing the help. According to her diary, some contractor named Jesus, which granted, was originally a Jewish name.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Go mom.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[after switching her mother's meds] Something like that comes up again - just - do what you need to do.

Dr. Gregory House:
Want me to keep you out of it?

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
Yeah. I am being a coward. Which is why doctors shouldn't treat their own family. Congratulations, you were right as usual.

Dr. Eric Foreman:
It's not about the information, we're talking ethical and legal violations that should make even you fearful.

Dr. Gregory House:
SHE'S DYING!

Dr. Eric Foreman:
That doesn't mean we should all go to jail to save her.

Arlene:
[to Dr. Cuddy about her sister] At times like this, when we argue, it reminds me. I have more with her. She's nicer to me. I love you both, but I like her more that you.

Dr. Gregory House:
True. But I won't have to lie. Buried in your coma patient's big big file is a form that doesn't allow treatment without the express consent of the relatives.

Martha Masters:
Wait-?

Dr. Gregory House:
You drew blood. That's not just a screw up. It's a criminal assault.

Martha Masters:
But you told me...

Dr. Gregory House:
No as you may recall. [House mimes sealed lips]

Martha Masters:
You set me up! Why?

Dr. Gregory House:
"Because the patient is the highest priority."

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Cuddy about her mother] Here's what I see. She insults me. You complain to me. I drug her dinner. You never let her know. We slip her medication, happens behind her back. You never confront her. And it pisses me off!

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
[to Arlene] You see something in my that you didn't see in Julia and you didn't see in you. A type of ambition. A type of brains. That's why you made me yearbook editor, Suma undergrad, A.O.A. in Med School. The only time I see light in your eyes is when you hear me talking about my job. The reason you keep coming to see me in the clinic is because you trust me. You trust my medical judgement. So here it is: if you travel to Princeton General, you'll be treated well and you'll die. If you stay here - with House- you'll be treated badly, but you'll live. I don't care if I have to slash the tires of ever ambulance in this bay, mom. I am not letting you leave my hospital!

Dr. Chris Taub:
What do you care?

Rachel Taub:
Chris... you were a crappy husband. But you *are* a good person.

Dr. Gregory House:
[to Masters] When Cuddy was protecting me before, she was protecting a doctor. Now she's protecting a boyfriend. Hospital's not going to put up with that for long, so I need you to protect me from doing something that Cuddy will regret. See you bright and late tomorrow.

Arlene:
If you're so great, how come you're not running your department anymore?

Dr. Gregory House:
What are you talking about, Mom?

Arlene:
That's what he told me.

Dr. Gregory House:
Two days ago? I said that I didn't have a department to run? I was being sarcastic.

Arlene:
No, you weren't.

Dr. Gregory House:
Right, because people who are talking can't tell if they're being sarcastic.

Arlene:
That doesn't make any sense.

Dr. Gregory House:
Of course they can. But you weren't... I love A-Rod. He's so modest and I highly respect the paintings he has of himself as a centaur. Question. Do I like A-Rod?

Arlene:
Yes. Whoever he is.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
She can't recognize sarcasm?

Dr. Gregory House:
Deficit in the right parahippocampal gyrus, which means CNS involvement before the fever. I was wrong about the endocarditis.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy:
I have a whole new appreciation for what you do. How hard it is to believe when everyone around you is telling you that you're wrong.

Dr. Gregory House:
It helps to know they're idiots.

Dr. Gregory House:
Hi. I'm Dr. House. My boss says you're important. Personally, I don't get what's so hard about making Scarlett Johansson look pretty. Arms out in front of you! Palms up, like you're holding a pizza. Close your eyes.

Emma:
It's so easy you should consider a career change. Probably make a lot more money.

Dr. Gregory House:
Dr. Mackman tell you the clot was clear?

Emma:
Yes.

Dr. Gregory House:
He said that you and the fetus are fine?

Emma:
Yeah.

Dr. Gregory House:
He didn't mention your pronator drift.

Emma:
What's that mean?

Dr. Gregory House:
It means Mackman is an idiot! May I?

Emma:
Yeah.