It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia

Mac:
What's up, b*tches?

Charlie Kelly:
Alright, let's go get some men!

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]

Mac:
Absolutely.

Charlie Kelly:
Absolutely.

Dennis Reynolds:
Absolutely.

Charlie Kelly:
I know that game.

Charlie Kelly:
Oooh sh*t... Look at the door, dude. You see that door right there? The one marked pirate? You think a pirate lives in there?

Charlie Kelly:
What are you gonna do, hit him? No, that's a terrible idea, I'll tell you why: it doesn't unbang your mom.

Dennis Reynolds:
Whoa, what's up with the spray paint?

Charlie Kelly:
Uhh... what's up with the outfit man?

Charlie Kelly:
Later dudes, S you in your A's Don't wear a C and J all over your B's

Mac:
I never seen so many beautiful people in my life.

Dennis Reynolds:
Check it out, even Sweet Dee is getting lucky.

Charlie Kelly:
That dude's going to bang your sister, bro.

Charlie Kelly:
So what you want a maid?

Frank Reynolds:
That's right a maid, a maid I can bang

Dennis Reynolds:
What is this wolf hair?

Frank Reynolds:
Also inconclusive.

Dennis Reynolds:
Jesus Christ how is that inconclusive?

Dennis Reynolds:
Check this out

[stretches his legs apart]

Charlie Kelly:
Good, that's good. And you're not getting a high ride, huh?

Dennis Reynolds:
Well I'm getting the high ride, but the jeans aren't restricting me.

Charlie Kelly:
When was the last time we played night crawlers together Frank?

Dennis Reynolds:
Uhh. What's what's that?

Charlie Kelly:
Well, it's... not about you. Why don't you just write it down?

Mac:
God you're disgusting, a disgusting animal.

Mac:
I think you should bang Gail the snail

Frank Reynolds:
My neice?

Mac:
Yeah

Frank Reynolds:
Gail the Snail?

Mac:
Dude what's more depraved than that huh? So she's not blood related so it's not that weird.

Charlie Kelly:
You did your best, no hard feelings! I'm going to grab some of this literature on my way out too.

Dennis Reynolds:
She didn't do that great of a job.

Charlie Kelly:
I mean, don't beat her while she's down, man.

Charlie Kelly:
But I do feel like she tried the intervention on us

Dennis Reynolds:
are you intervening us is that what that was? [pause] you know what I'm feeling I'm feeling like you've lost control of the room here. When really we're the ones who are running things here

Dee Reynolds:
I've lost my trust in you, I feel like we can do this on our own.

Dennis Reynolds:
I think we can do the intervention on our own without her.

Charlie Kelly:
Do you guys think?

Dee Reynolds:
[turns to Charlie] Yeah

Charlie Kelly:
Alright, might as well give it a shot.

Donna:
You're thirty-three years old, you're supposed to be sexually active! You're not supposed to be fondling your uncle under the table

Charlie Kelly:
But I am who I am.

Mac:
Yeah let's pretend you aren't who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Dennis Reynolds:
What are your dislikes?

Charlie Kelly:
Peoples knees

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh come on!

Mac:
Bro you got be kidding ,you know what we'll make it up

Dennis Reynolds:
We'll make the whole thing up [Looks at Charlie] We're not even going to use you!

Charlie Kelly:
Cover you knees up if your going to be walking around everywhere.

Dee Reynolds:
Is it a yes or a no, because you're kind of holding up traffic here. It's just - it's rude.

Dennis Reynolds:
How much cheese have you eaten today?

Charlie Kelly:
How much cheese is too much cheese?

Dennis Reynolds:
Any amount of cheese before a date is too much cheese!

Charlie Kelly:
I had a lot of cheese, I had a block of cheese.

Mac:
You had a block of cheese?

Charlie Kelly:
I got really, really nervous I just started eating cheese

Mac:
[annoyed and confused] Does that calm you down?

Mac:
I have an idea.

Frank Reynolds:
[Turns in fear] Where did you come from?

Mac:
Frank I've been walking next to you this entire time

Charlie Kelly:
[talking about the waitress] She got a job at the fair I can probably stalk her there.

[repeated lines, said in no specific order]

Mac:
Boom.

Dennis Reynolds:
Boom.

Dee Reynolds:
Boom.

Charlie Kelly:
[Charlie walks up to a shopping mall Santa Claus as Mac watches, after learning that his mother was a prostitute who had her clients dress up as Santa on Christmas to avoid upsetting Charlie]

Santa Claus:
Ho ho ho ho. Well, hello! Merry Christmas! So, where's your little one?

Charlie Kelly:
[Charlie sits on Santa's lap]

Santa Claus:
Oh! Ho ho ho ho, you're a big boy, aren't ya? Ha ha! Uh... [to Mac] Is he retarded? Ah, I got this one. [to Charlie] So, son - what would you like for Christmas, huh?

Charlie Kelly:
Did you f*** my mom?

Santa Claus:
...What?

Charlie Kelly:
Did you F***... my MOM?

Santa Claus:
Whaddaya mean? I, uh...

Charlie Kelly:
Did you f*** my mom, Santa Claus? Did you f*** my mom? Did you f*** her? DID YOU F*** MY F***ING MOM? DID YOU F*** MY MOM, SANTA? AAAAH! [Charlie bites Santa's neck, causing blood to spray everywhere, then drags him to the ground and mercilessly beats him in front of hundreds of crying children before Mac finally drags him away]

Dennis Reynolds:
How are we doing over here?

Dee Reynolds:
Uh... Not well. This is ridiculous. People are definitely starting to notice.

Dennis Reynolds:
Of course they're starting to notice. There's a grown man crammed inside of a couch for Christ's sake. They're going to notice. So let's just talk to somebody. Can you grab that guy?

Dee Reynolds:
[to two office workers] Hey you two!

Dennis Reynolds:
Heyyyyy! So how we doing at the Christmas party? We having a good time?

Woman Office Worker:
Yes, great time.

Dee Reynolds:
Great! So uh... Frank Reynolds? [Makes thumbs down motion and blows raspberry]

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh yeah, we we're just talking about him. He's the worst, huh?

Woman Office Worker:
Do... Do you work here?

Dennis Reynolds:
...Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah. We hop around. Consultationists. So we consult here... we consult across the street too...

Man Office Worker:
Is there a man in that couch?

Dennis Reynolds:
Ha ha! What are you saying? A man in a couch? That's absurd!

Man Office Worker:
No, I believe there's a man in that couch right there!

Dennis Reynolds:
There is no man! There's no man! Say something things about Frank Reynolds, say them loud, and make sure they're horrible horrible things, then we'll deal with the man in the couch!

Man Office Worker:
Okay, so there is a man in the couch!

Dee Reynolds:
Alright, just call Frank Reynolds an a**hole!

Man Office Worker:
Who is Frank Reynolds?

Dennis Reynolds:
He's the man in the couch!

Woman Office Worker:
Oh my god! What are you people doing?

Dennis Reynolds:
Would you just say something about Frank that's horrible? Call him an a**hole!

Dennis Reynolds:
Frank Reynolds is an a**hole! [Frank tears a hole in the couch and climbs out naked and sweaty]

Dennis Reynolds:
If you guys love Christmas so much, why do you always wait until the last possible minute to put up the Christmas decorations? It is the day before Christmas.

Mac:
That's our tradition.

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, that's what we do. We drink a lot of eggnog. We pass out. And then we don't put anything up, so we do it at the last minute.

Mac:
Yeah, then we wake up at Christmas and celebrate by throwing rocks at moving freight trains.

Dee Reynolds:
Why would grown men throw rocks at trains?

Mac:
Why wouldn't we throw rocks at trains? It's beats throwing rocks at passing cars, or at people.

Charlie Kelly:
It's awesome. That's what you do on Christmas morning. We've been doing it since we were kids. Look, whatever. I'm sorry that we love Christmas and we have awesome Christmas traditions and you guys hate Christmas.

Mac:
They hate Christmas because I always got the best gifts, and Frank always gave them shitty presents.

Dee Reynolds:
You think we don't like Christmas because Frank gave us shitty presents?

Dennis Reynolds:
Is that really what you think? No, Frank didn't buy shitty presents. Frank bought the most awesome presents in the world. As a matter of fact, he would find out whatever Christmas presents we wanted that year... and he would buy them for himself instead of buying them for us.

Charlie Kelly:
Really? That must have been why he wanted me to walkie you guys when you got to the bar. 'Cause he was trying to do something about making your Christmas better. Or worse.

Frank Reynolds:
Merry Christmas, b*tches!

[after watching an old video of a young Mac and his parents stealing presents]

Charlie Kelly:
Dude, what was that? What just happened? What was that right there? What was the family on the stairs? What was that?

Mac:
That was probally the next family coming in to get their presents.

Charlie Kelly:
What are you talking about? What was happening there?

Mac:
That was the Christmas tradition my parents had. You go from house to house collecting your presents. And then when the next family would come, you would take your presents and run.

Charlie Kelly:
I am not aware of that tradition, Mac. In fact, I think that you and your parents were just stealing from that home.

Mac:
Oh no. I was taking their presents, but they were taking mine. Yeah, dude. That's why there were never any presents at my house on Christmas morning or when we got back. The neighbors took them. It's a South Philadelphia tradition, Charlie.

Charlie Kelly:
No, that makes no sense. People don't do that, dude. That doesn't make any sense.

Mac:
You're telling me that on Christmas morning, you and your mother would not go to your neighbor's house and take their presents?

Charlie Kelly:
No! No one does that!

Mac:
Well, my dad told me that was the tradition.

Charlie Kelly:
Mac, your dad is a convicted thief and a murderer who eats people. So, he's not really trustworthy.

Mac:
This is really dicking with my Christmas spirit.

Charlie Kelly:
Uh, later dudes. S you in your A's. Don't wear a C. And J all over your B's.

Charlie Kelly:
Uh, later dudes, S you in your As, don't wear a C, and J all over your Bs.

Dennis Reynolds:
You'd better have a damn good reason for getting us up this early.

Frank Reynolds:
Yeah I was going over the company expense report.

Dennis Reynolds:
Those are all legitimate.

Frank Reynolds:
Oh yeah? Who spent $500 on laser hair removal?

Dennis Reynolds:
I did.

Frank Reynolds:
Who spent $1500 on a samurai sword?

Mac:
Got to be able to protect this place.

Frank Reynolds:
Who spent $5000 on a video camera?

Dee Reynolds:
See what I figured was all those crazy characters I've been creating over the years? I'm gonna take them and put them Youtube and then maybe get discovered by like a casting director.

Charlie Kelly:
Are you serious? [everyone starts arguing]

Dennis Reynolds:
But these are all legitimate expenses. Some are definitely more realistic than others. [everyone points to Dee]

Frank Reynolds:
What I bought is a business expense. What I bought is gonna save our asses!

Charlie Kelly:
What did you get?

Frank Reynolds:
I bought a billboard! [cue title: "America's Next Top Paddy's Billboard Model Contest"]

Dee Reynolds:
See this is the part where I would volunteer to be the girl on the billboard and you guys would find some reason not to and compare me to some sort of animal like a giant bird.

Dennis Reynolds:
[agreeing] Oh she looks so much like a bird doesn't she?

Charlie Kelly:
See I was thinking fish because of how far apart her eyes are.

Dennis Reynolds:
[during Frank's contest] Jesus Christ Frank, this smells like sh*t!

Frank Reynolds:
It *is* sh*t!

Frank Reynolds:
How 'bout you put an egg in your shoe and beat it!

Mac:
The streets are flooded with the ejaculate of the homeless, and you people are counting on the police?

Dee Reynolds:
There's a masturbating bum in the alley.

Dennis Reynolds:
You don't snoop and sneak and appear from behind cars!

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm sorry, I had something important to tell you guys.

Dennis Reynolds:
We just ran over our friend with a car, what could be more important than that?

Frank Reynolds:
Try this on for size... You're mother's dead.

Dee Reynolds:
...What?... Oh, no...

Frank Reynolds:
...No, she's not dead. We're getting divorced though.

Wayne:
What's up guys?

Mac:
I have polio.

Wayne:
Oh. Ok...

Dennis Reynolds:
I have polio too.

Wayne:
Alright... [Mac and Dennis roll away]

Charlie Kelly:
[after Dennis hits him with his SUV] Dennis, you son of a b*tch!

[Dee pulls out a stuffed toy elephant]

Dennis Reynolds:
Mr. Tibbs.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, is that it? Is that Mr. Tibbs? Is that what they call you? They call you Mr. Tibbs.

[Dee rips off Mr. Tibbs' head]

Dee Reynolds:
What do they call you now?

Dennis Reynolds:
Whatever. I don't care.

Dee Reynolds:
Huh.

[Dennis turns away and silently gasps]

[repeated line]

Mac:
Hey-o! What's up, b*tches?

Frank Reynolds:
I wanna live like you again, Charlie. I wanna be pathetic and desperate and ugly and hopless.

Charlie Kelly:
Okay. I'm not ugly.

Wayne:
[shouting while in a wheelchair] Hey guys!

Mac:
[pretending to be handicapped with Dennis] Sh*t, what do we do?

Dennis Reynolds:
Uh, okay. Just play it cool, man.

Mac:
Play it cool.

Dennis Reynolds:
[to Wayne] Hey.

Wayne:
Hey. How's it going?

Mac:
[blurting out] I have polio.

Wayne:
Oh. Uh, okay.

Dennis Reynolds:
[slowly] And I have polio...

Mac:
[blurting out again, interrupting him] He has polio, too.

Wayne:
All right, um...

[Mac and Dennis slowly back away]

Stripper:
Oh, look at you sweetie. What happened?

Charlie Kelly:
[pretending to be a war veteran] Viet-goddamn-nam's what happened! Go get me a beer b*tch!

Dee Reynolds:
What's going on down there?

Wayne:
Those two guys are pretending to be disabled and kicking each other's asses.

Dee Reynolds:
What a bunch of scumbags.

[Dee drags herself away in her back-brace and crutches]

Mac:
Oh, look at Sweet Dee, sitting on her cloud of judgement, handing down life lessons to all the sinners.

Dennis Reynolds:
Dee, you scared the sh*t out of me. What are you doing?

Dee Reynolds:
Same thing you're doing. I'm not letting dad give all this sh*t to poor people

Dennis Reynolds:
Alright, hey I got here first though. I'm taking the plasma TV and I'm taking the fish tank.

Dee Reynolds:
How come you get to pick and choose?

Dennis Reynolds:
It's not that I get to pick and choose, it's that I'm a man and I'm strong. I can carry heavy things. You're a woman, you're weak and... you can't.

Dee Reynolds:
You're a woman and you're weak.

Dennis Reynolds:
That doesn't make any sense

Dee Reynolds:
You don't make any sense.

Charlie Kelly:
You know what? Let me kick down a little thing to you that our Founding Fathers kicked down to me. It goes, "Don't. Tread. On me," and right now, you guys are TREADING ALL OVER ME.

Dennis:
See? This is what it was like to have a bar in New Orleans, bro!

Mac:
Oh, man, New Orleans really had their sh*t figured out!

Dennis:
They totally had their sh*t figured out! Yeah, except for the levees.

Mac:
Right, yeah, except for the levees.

Charlie Kelly:
Hey Ry, how you feeling? Hey look man, I'm sorry to interupt you, but if your not to busy showering in your brothers urine or plotting your revenge against me, would you mind lighting my cigarette? [Charlie laughs] Thanks Bro! Hey Liam, I'm sorry I sent you to jail, man. But any time you want to stab me would be great for me! [Liam stabs him with a fork] Ahhh! Ohh!

Liam McPoyle:
That's what you get Charlie! You get fork stabbed!

Charlie Kelly:
[Charlie's America Song] I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, Gonna kick some ass in the USA, Gonna climb a mountain, Gonna sew a flag, Gonna fly on an Eagle, I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, Gonna kick some ass, Gonna rise up, Kick a little ass, ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!

Mac:
I say we hit the sorority houses, start passing out some flyers...

Dennis Reynolds:
We need to go the library. At sorority houses you're going to find nothing but tramps and whores.

Mac:
Perfect

Dennis Reynolds:
You're not listening. We don't want wild girls. We want good girls gone wild. It's important to see the transition, watch the process...

Dee Reynolds:
So, Artemis, the last time we talked I know things got a little weird, with you licking my brother's face and all. But I need your help with an acting gig, my friend is really dragging me down.

Artemis:
What's the venue?

Dee Reynolds:
A sidewalk.

Artemis:
I don't do sidewalks.

Dee Reynolds:
That's what I thought. But if you think about it, it's the only true form of artistic expression.

Artemis:
Is there any nudity involved?

Dee Reynolds:
No.

Artemis:
Can there be?

Dee Reynolds:
No

Artemis:
I'll do it anyways.

Charlie Kelly:
I'm a patriot. You've gotta give me that.

Mac:
Well, then, what would you say?

Dennis Reynolds:
She's a quitter.

Dee Reynolds:
You know what, I don't even care! I don't care.

Dennis Reynolds:
And that proves my point. Because you don't care, you never succeed.

Mac:
Right. Failed.

Dennis Reynolds:
Failure implies that she actually *tried* to be an actor.

Dee Reynolds:
Okay, I did try, it just didn't happen to work out.

Frank Reynolds:
It's not your fault, sweetie. You're just not pretty enough.

Dee Reynolds:
Wow, thank you! That's my dad, everybody.

Charlie Kelly:
Okay, I just killed three very large rats that were stuck in glue traps.

Dennis Reynolds:
Good work.

Charlie Kelly:
No. No, no, that's not good work. I am done with rat detail. That's by far the worst job in the bar.

Dennis Reynolds:
That's why we call it Charlie Work.

Dennis Reynolds:
If you don't like smoke, then don't come into the bar.

Charlie Kelly:
I *work* in this bar. I work here.

Dennis Reynolds:
But that's because you have the freedom to choose to work here, okay? Smoking bans, they don't protect freedom, they strip it away from smokers

Frank Reynolds:
Look, I didn't go to Vietnam just to have pansies like you take my freedom away from me.

Dee Reynolds:
You went to Vietnam in *1993* to open up a sweatshop!

Frank Reynolds:
And a lot of good men died in that sweatshop.

Dennis Reynolds:
If Charlie took any time to study in school, he would recognize that the Constitution protects my freedom to blow smoke all over his face.

Charlie Kelly:
You gotta be... you don't know sh*t about the Constitution, man.

Mac:
Uh, he knows more than you two un-American freedom haters.

Dennis Reynolds:
Thank you.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, Charlie, we hate freedom. Eww, we hate it.

Dennis Reynolds:
You hate it.

Charlie Kelly:
Oh, *I'm* un-American?

Frank Reynolds:
You're practically a Viet Cong.

Charlie Kelly:
You wanna talk America? You wanna learn a little something about America? Dee, let's roll out of here.

Dee Reynolds:
Where are we going?

Charlie Kelly:
We're gonna go America all over their asses!

Mac:
[listening to Frank's Vietnamese music] This music sounds like whales raping each other.

Dennis Reynolds:
The t-shirts are working.

Mac:
Isn't that amazing? You ask to see a woman's breasts on the street, you get slapped. You give her a free t-shirt and videotape it and the clothes come right off.

Dennis Reynolds:
I love this country.

Frank Reynolds:
Do we have any sharp knives?

Mac:
What?

Dennis Reynolds:
What?

Frank Reynolds:
These guys are maniacs! They want to start betting fingers.

Dennis Reynolds:
Fingers!

Mac:
What are you talking about?

Frank Reynolds:
If Alan loses this hand, he's gonna start chopping off his fingers. I've never seen anything like it in my life!

Mac:
Okay, this has gone way too far.

Dennis Reynolds:
This is getting ridiculous. Dad, your friends have got to go!

Frank Reynolds:
Bullshit!

Mac:
You are *killing* our freedom, man!

Frank Reynolds:
This is what freedom's all about. I'm living on the edge!

Liam McPoyle:
You just got fork stabbed!

Mac:
This music sounds like whales raping each other.

Artemis:
Is there any nudity?

Dee Reynolds:
No.

Artemis:
Can there be?

Charlie Kelly:
Look, Dee! I can't explain it alright? There's some sort of weird chemical reaction that happens when you combine catfood, beer and glue. It makes you feel like, extremely sick and tired and you're able to fall asleep.

Ryan McPoyle:
Where do you keep your Pledge?

Charlie Kelly:
I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna to kick a little ass, I'm gonna to kick some ass in the U.S.A., gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, I'm gonna drive a big truck, I'm gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass. ROCK, FLAG, and EAGLE!

Charlie Kelly:
Attica!

Charlie Kelly:
I'm gonna rise up, I'm gonna kick a little ass, I'm gonna kick some ass in the USA, gonna climb a mountain, gonna sew a flag, gonna fly-y-y on an eagle. I'm gonna kick some butt, gonna drive a big truck, gonna rule this world, I'm gonna kick some ass, gonna rise up, gonna kick a little ass. Rock, flag, and eagl-l-l-le!

Mac:
If the McPoyles got blown, and Charlie got blown, then why didn't I get blown?

Dennis Reynolds:
You're going to hell, dude.

Dee Reynolds:
Seriously.

Dee Reynolds:
Whoa, that was really weird.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah. Well this confirms it. He definitely got molested.

Dee Reynolds:
Ugh. We gotta get in there.

Dennis Reynolds:
Get - we gotta get in there?

Dee Reynolds:
Yes!

Dennis Reynolds:
You can't just thrust yourself into the position of caregiver like that.

Dee Reynolds:
Caregiver? Why are you throwing around big words? You know, I actually majored in psych so...

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, well you failed all your classes.

Dee Reynolds:
So?

Dennis Reynolds:
And I had a minor and I passed all mine so...

Dee Reynolds:
Okay well you know what? 3/4 of a major is a lot bigger than a whole minor.

Dennis Reynolds:
I don't even know how to respond to that.

Dee Reynolds:
Well, that doesn't surprise me.

Dennis Reynolds:
Well, it shouldn't because what you said is really... dumb.

Dee Reynolds:
That's a good one.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, it is.

Dee Reynolds:
It's good. I liked that one.

Dennis Reynolds:
I felt good about it.

Liam McPoyle:
So, do you want a beverage of some sort?

Charlie Kelly:
No... where's your brother, dude?

Liam McPoyle:
We just stepped out of the shower. He'll be down in a minute.

Charlie Kelly:
Alright, listen. You guys can't go... did you just say "we"?

Liam McPoyle:
What?

Charlie Kelly:
Did you just say "We just stepped out of the shower"?

Liam McPoyle:
... I said he.

Artemis:
You want me to shake it? Want me to shake it for ya?

Dennis:
Uh...

Artemis:
I'll shake it, I'll shake it.

Mac:
[on his cell phone] Mom, I'm telling you, this girl's amazing. Yeah, I've got butterflies in my stomach. There's one little issue...

Carmen:
[sneaks up from behind and grabs his waist]

Mac:
[turns around and punches her in the face]

Carmen:
Oh god! I think you broke my nose!

Witness #1:
That guy's beating on that chick!

Carmen:
Oh my god!

Mac:
Oh no, you know, it's a dude. Yeah, she has a penis... so it's okay.

Witness #1:
Dude, isn't that a hate crime?

Witness #2:
Sh*t yeah, it's a hate crime! [both witnesses chase after Mac]

Mac:
Is that a penis in your pants?

Carmen:
Yeah.

Mac:
You lied to me!

Carmen:
No I didn't! You lied to me! You don't work out? Please! I've seen you at the gym - you're ripped!

Mac:
No, don't turn this around - wait... really?

Mac:
Are you sure?

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, look at his jeans dude that's a, that's an unmistakable bulge of a large penis in those jeans.

Dee Reynolds:
Yeah that's a dick in those pants.

Mac:
There's a dick in those pants!

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah.

Mac:
I'll be right back.

Mac:
Excuse me bro can you give me a second. [Club goer exits] Thanks. Is that a penis in your pants?

Carmen:
Yeah.

Mac:
You lied to me.

Carmen:
No i didn't, you lied to me. You don't work out? Please i see you at the gym your ripped.

Mac:
Wait don't turn this around... Wait, really? You think so.

Carmen:
Yeah.

Mac:
I was afraid i was getting a little too ripped, you know?

Carmen:
No, i like it.

Mac:
Wow. Hmmmm.

Mac:
Well i gotta get back to work, umm, but i don't know maybe ill give you a call sometime.

Carmen:
Ok.

Mac:
Yeah, yeah ill give you a call.

Dee Reynolds:
Dennis maybe you need to rethink this whole plan of yours; i don't think getting Charlie laid is going to help his cancer problem.

Dennis Reynolds:
Whatever.

Mac:
Dennis i think i found the perfect girl for charlie! smart beautiful the whole thing.

Dennis Reynolds:
Where?

Mac:
Right there.

Dennis Reynolds:
Over there by the pool table?

Mac:
Yeah. Nice.

Dennis Reynolds:
That's great Mac.

Dee Reynolds:
Good work Mac.

Dennis Reynolds:
That's a dude.

Dennis Reynolds:
I don't get it Dee, there are tons of women in this city, where do they go?

Dee Reynolds:
They're at velvet rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.

Dennis Reynolds:
Why?

Dee Reynolds:
Dennis, our bar is south Philly... in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Dee Reynolds:
don't get it, Dee: There are tons of women in this city; where do they go?

Dee Reynolds:
They're at velvet-rope clubs on Delaware Avenue.

Dennis Reynolds:
Why?

Dee Reynolds:
Dennis, our bar is in south Philly in a scary alley... might as well call it "Rape Bar."

Sweet Dee:
Did you have sex with her?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah.

Sweet Dee:
Well did you use birth control?

Dennis:
Woah, Dee, we're from a Catholic school.

Sweet Dee:
So, premarital sex is alright, but you're not allowed to use birth control?

Charlie Kelly:
Ok, now you're just twisting words around and getting cute.

Mac:
[yelling outside an abortion clinic] Pro-choice is pro-death!

Megan:
Wow! Great rhetoric!

Mac:
Thank you.

Megan:
Hey, you're really hardcore, aren't you?

Mac:
Oh, well, you know. I mean, if you really want to see hardcore...

[pulls out a paper and gives it to Megan]

Megan:
What's this?

Mac:
That's the list of doctors I'm gonna kill.

Megan:
There's two already crossed out.

Mac:
Yeah, I know.

Tommy:
You're ugly.

Charlie Kelly:
You're ugly.

Tommy:
[yelling] You're ugly!

Charlie Kelly:
[yelling back] You are the one that's ugly!

Dee Reynolds:
Charlie! Jesus Christ! Are you almost 30? Are you almost 30 years old?

Charlie Kelly:
Yes.

Tommy:
You have to buy me a toy.

Charlie Kelly:
I don't have to buy you sh*t!

Tommy:
If you don't buy me anything, I'm gonna telly my mom you took me to a black people's house!

Charlie Kelly:
Today's a big day for me, Tommy.

Tommy:
Why?

Charlie Kelly:
Well, today is probably the best chance I'm ever gonna have of hooking up with this girl, so, uh... Look at me, look at me for a second, pal. [Kneels] OK, do me a favor. If you're good today, I'm gonna buy you anything you want, anything in the world, all right?

Tommy:
[spits on Charlie]

Charlie Kelly:
Oh my God!

Charlie Kelly:
I will smash your face into a... into a jelly!

Sweet Dee:
[on her pro-choice poster] Viva la Vulva

Dee Reynolds:
You're gonna throw away all your convictions for a chance to get laid?

Dennis Reynolds:
I don't really have any convictions.

Dee Reynolds:
Well, I'm going to go, at least one pro-choice voice will be heard.

Mac:
One? There was, like, tons of those chicks at the last one.

Dennis Reynolds:
Which side had more?

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, which one do you think? I one that cares about protecting womens bodies or the one thats run by the religious right?

Dennis Reynolds:
Probably the side you're going to. I'm going to fight for the right to choose.

Dee Reynolds:
So, you're not allowed to use birth control, but abortions are no problem...?

Mac:
I hate dead baby fetuses, you know why? Because they are dead and they shouldn't be. They should be alive, and they should be loved.

Dennis Reynolds:
I think all these chicks are gay.

Dee Reynolds:
yea, I don't know that they're gay, I think they can just smell how disgusting you are.

Charlie Kelly:
I will smash your face into a... into a jelly!

Mac:
[on abortion] It's nobody's choice! It should be left up to God!

Dee Reynolds:
Is he jo...? Is that...? Are you... joking?

Mac:
No, it's not a joke! You remember Genesis? Book two, verse three: And he breatheth into the nostrils of Adam on the first day and it was good.

Dee Reynolds:
Right in his nostrils, huh? Sounds really uncomfortable.

Dennis Reynolds:
[to Mac] You're making an a**hole out of yourself.

Dennis Reynolds:
[Mac, Charlie, and Dennis standing outside of the church] Well, I'll tell you, guys. I didn't feel much in there, but I always enjoy the little wafers.

Mac:
Of course you do. Because you're consuming the actual body of Christ.

Dennis Reynolds:
Uh-huh. Well, he was delicious.

Charlie Kelly:
You're telling me that you believe that Christ comes back to life every Sunday in the form of a bowl of crackers and you proceed to just eat the man?

Charlie Kelly:
[to the priest] What the sh*t man?

Charlie's Mom:
[whispers] Charlie!

Charlie Kelly:
My mother is dying of cancer and you need money to fix a statue? [Priest places hand on Charlie's mother to comfort her] No, no, no, no. Don't give me this act.

Mac:
Charlie, calm down.

Charlie Kelly:
No, no. Why don't you give us some money? How much is that ring worth? That looks like an expensive ring. Can we have the ring?

Mac:
Okay. All right. I'm sorry, Father.

Charlie Kelly:
This is bullshit!

Mac:
I will pray for his sins. I'm sorry.

Dennis Reynolds:
Hey Charlie, Charlie.

Mac:
[to Charlie] What are you doing.

Dennis Reynolds:
It's okay. I got this. I got this.

Charlie Kelly:
What am I doing? What is HE doing?

Dennis Reynolds:
Listen. Don't get all riled up about this scam or that scam, you know. It's all a big scam, okay?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds:
But I will say this - the church's scam? It's a pretty good one. It's effective. Look at all the money these people are giving to the church. So I say we use that model to raise money for your mom at Paddy's. Guys. Let's throw a beef and beer.

Dee Reynolds:
Tell you what. Property taxes - paying for what you already own? Now THAT'S a scam.

Dennis Reynolds:
I want to talk about faith. It's not about whether something is true, or-or-or based in fact or reality or the laws of physics or nature or even basic common sense. It's about whether or not we're dumb enough to believe in it that matters. Oh, folks, who the hell am I to say that there is no God? Who am I? Or to say that anybody's belief in the church doesn't make their life better? Maybe it does. Or that this man, Dr. Jinx - who am I to say that he can't cure diseases with his sorcery? I don't know. I say maybe he can. And I believe that maybe he can. [chuckles] Ladies and gentlemen, if we believe... if we just believe... then we can do anything! [Audience cheers] Oh, yeah, ladies and gentlemen. I feel it now! Do you feel it? Do you feel the spirit? Do you feel the invisible things around you that don't really exist? Oh, it doesn't matter! [Dr. Jinx gets up and starts dancing] .

Frank Reynolds:
Charlie, I need a woman. I need a woman to... to cook for me, and clean up after me, and somebody that will do everything I say.

Charlie Kelly:
Well, that's just a maid. You want a maid?

Frank Reynolds:
Yeah, that's right, a maid. A maid I can bang.

Mac:
Let's talk stigmatas.

[70's Music Ringtone Plays]

Frank Reynolds:
Hello?

Dennis Reynolds:
Frank, you gotta get me outta here, man!

Frank Reynolds:
Where are you?

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm in rehab, Goddammit!

Frank Reynolds:
Well, I'm in a movie and this broad is about to get naked, so I gotta go.

[Frank quickly snaps his phone shut]

Sinbad:
You know what? Unleash the fury. Get his shoe. Beat his testicles!

Sinbad:
I'm Sinbad, you know who this is? Rob Thomas. Matchbox 20. Sing a song.

Rob Thomas:
[goes to sing]

Sinbad:
Shut up!

Frank Reynolds:
Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!

Dennis Reynolds:
I am not banging my sister.

Barbara Reynolds:
Jesus Christ! What have I walked into here?

Dee Reynolds:
Oh my God.

Barbara Reynolds:
You two aren't having *sex* together...

Dennis Reynolds:
No, we're not having sex.

Frank Reynolds:
What the hell is she doing here?

Dee Reynolds:
Sit down please, Mom.

Barbara Reynolds:
I am not getting pulled into any sort of perverted sex talk.

Dennis Reynolds:
It's not perverted!

Frank Reynolds:
Banging your sister is perverted, Dennis!

Dennis Reynolds:
[shouts] I am not banging my sister!

Mac:
What in the hell is a MySpace page?

Dee Reynolds:
It's like that friends forum.

Dennis Reynolds:
Dude, these things are actually pretty awesome. You create a profile, and then you put your picture on there, and then other people send you pictures of themselves and they want to be your friend.

Mac:
Wow, so that's the saddest thing I've ever heard. You guys are losers.

Dennis Reynolds:
How are we losers, dude?

Mac:
Well, maybe it boils down to this, smart guy: computers are for losers.

Dennis Reynolds:
And you're drinking a beer at 8 o'clock in the morning.

Mac:
Whatever, dude, irrelevant.

Dennis Reynolds:
It's 8 o'clock in the morning and you're drinking a beer.

Mac:
Hey, that's how we roll. Go with it.

Charlie Kelly:
Oh, this is such bullshit. So you guys have two dads and I don't even have one!

Mac:
Yeah, that is bullshit, we don't even have one.

Charlie Kelly:
What are you talking about? You have a father!

Mac:
Yeah, but he's in prison, Charlie, and he's been there my whole life. It doesn't count.

Dee Reynolds:
We need to talk to you about something, Dad.

Frank Reynolds:
Shoot.

Dennis Reynolds:
It's kind of disturbing.

Frank Reynolds:
You two aren't banging, are you?

Dee Reynolds:
What?

Dennis Reynolds:
No! What are you talking about?

Dee Reynolds:
No, that's disgusting.

Frank Reynolds:
Yeah, yeah it is. Stay away from that kind of thing. No good can come of it, trust me.

Frank Reynolds:
[looking for someone via MySpace so he can kill him] Sh*t! He hasn't accepted my friend request!

Charlie Kelly:
Relax, Frank. Sometimes it takes a while.

Frank Reynolds:
It's been days! I have no friends!

Charlie Kelly:
Would you stop saying that? You have friends.

Frank Reynolds:
Yeah, I got you, I got this guy, Tom, and this crazy lady who claims we had a one-night-stand 30 years ago.

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, but Tom doesn't really count. He sort of comes with it.

Mac:
Charlie, this is our opportunity to prove to people that we are to be respected. No one is more respected than dudes in prison right?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah.

Mac:
And what are dudes in prison?

Charlie Kelly:
Hard?

Mac:
Right; this is our chance to get hard.

Charlie Kelly:
OK OK i just don't know if this is the best way to get hard.

Mac:
Of course it is, this is totally hard. Look you want to get hard don't you?

Charlie Kelly:
I want to get hard. I want to get very very hard.

Mac:
Alright, do you want to shove heroin into your ass?

Charlie Kelly:
Dude I don't want to shove anything in my ass.

Mac:
Alright this is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are and not have to shove anything into our asses.

Frank Reynolds:
What in Gods name are you two talking about?

Mac:
Frank we're in.

Frank Reynolds:
Great! [Fires Gun]

Mac:
Do you want to shove heroin into your ass?

Charlie Kelly:
Dude, I don't want to shove anything in my ass!

Mac:
All right! This is the perfect opportunity to prove how hard we are, and not have to shove anything up our asses!

Mac:
[after Charlie closes the window on Dennis and Dee] Driver, we're through here. [Everyone starts laughing]

Frank Reynolds:
[after Mac proposes his idea] We've got to be sure not to abuse anyone.

Charlie Kelly:
Well, of course not. I mean, I know what it's like to be poor. We've go to respect these people.

Frank Reynolds:
Alright, go get us some slaves!

Frank Reynolds:
I'm good, go get us some slaves.

Dennis Reynolds:
One, please.

Crack Dealer:
One what?

Dennis Reynolds:
One... rock of crack. Is that going to be enough?

Dee Reynolds:
How much would you recommend for a first time user?

Crack Dealer:
I'll make you a deal. Two-for-one special.

Dennis Reynolds, Dee Reynolds:
Ok, how much?

Crack Dealer:
200 dollars?

Dennis Reynolds:
Sounds fair. [Slides money through window]

Mac:
You guys have nothing outside this bar.

Dennis:
Don't worry Mac, we'll be just fine.

Charlie Kelly:
Alright. So what's the vig?

Frank Reynolds:
What?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, man. What's the vig on this action?

Frank Reynolds:
Do you even know what VIG means?

Dennis:
Hi. I'm a recovering crackhead, and this is my retarded sister I take care of. I'd like some welfare please.

[repeated line]

Dee Reynolds:
Later, boners.

Sweet Dee:
Well, we'll just go back to work for a little while.

Dennis:
Just for a little while until we have enough money to buy some more crack.

Sweet Dee:
And then we'll go on welfare and I'll go be a star.

Dennis:
And then I can be a veterinarian of some kind...

Sweet Dee:
Maybe we should think about rehab.

Dennis:
We should hit rehab as soon as possible.

Sweet Dee:
Soon, in a couple days. Not now.

Dennis:
Yeah...

Frank Reynolds:
Charlie, you showed a lot of balls stealing my money. That shows leadership. I'm promoting you to manager.

Mac:
What about me Frank? I stole a sh*t load of your money!

Frank Reynolds:
You get DICK because your a follower and a thief.

Mac:
Unemployment runs out, what are you gonna do then?

Dennis Reynolds:
Well then we'll just go on welfare.

Mac:
Welfare is for people who need it, like drug addicts and single mothers. It's not for over privileged pieces of sh*t who want to waste millions in taxpayer dollars...

Dennis Reynolds:
[turns music on and begins singing] OH BABY YOU/ YOU GOT WHAT I NEEEEEDD!

Charlie Kelly:
All I'm saying is that slave is not a racist term. Look over the course of history many different people have been slaves. There have been Italian slaves, Jewish slaves...

Mac:
Yes Charlie but you've got to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.

Mac:
[looking over prospective employees at the welfare office] Well what about this guy he looks pretty strong.

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah but you're going to have a hard time getting him to work.

Mac:
Dude!

Charlie Kelly:
No, not because he's black but because it's three in the afternoon and he's asleep in his chair.

Dennis Reynolds:
[at the local welfare office] Hello, I'm a recovering crack head and this is my retarded sister who I take care of. We'd like some welfare please.

Charlie Kelly:
All I'm saying is that slaves is not a racist term. Look throughout history many people have been slaves. There have been Jewish slaves, Italian slaves, Asian slaves.

Mac:
Yes Charlie but you have to realize that in this country it's a sensitive issue.

Mac:
[looking for workers at the local welfare office] Well what about this guy. He looks big and strong

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah but you're going to have trouble getting any work out of him.

Mac:
Charlie!

Charlie Kelly:
No, not cause he's black. Because it's like two in the afternoon and he's asleep in his chair.

Dennis Reynolds:
Hi, I'm a recovering crack addict and this is my retarded sister. We'd like some welfare please.

Frank Reynolds:
Charlie, you've got a lot of balls, stealing my money. This shows leadership, I am promoting you to management

Charlie Kelly:
That's why I did it.

Mac:
That's why I did it too, Frank! I stole lots of your money, what do I get?

Frank Reynolds:
You get dick, because you are a follower and a thief.

Dee Reynolds:
How come Charlie...? It's not fair...

Dennis Reynolds:
Why would you do this to us, dad?

Frank Reynolds:
Because you're crackheads, children.

Charlie Kelly:
I mean sh*t, if you want it to be a bicep it needs more veins!

Charlie Kelly:
Hey guys, check out who I met buying a crossbow. This dude is the sh*t.

Ernesto:
I shall use this crossbow to pierce my broken heart!

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah!

Bruce:
We were in Uganda doing a lot of work with the AIDS crisis there and...

Frank Reynolds:
AIDS? You touch anybody?

Bruce:
Well, sure.

Frank Reynolds:
Hey, man! What kind of sh*t is that? You just hugged me! Why would you do that?

Dee Reynolds:
Seamus is joking. He's got a - He's got a very dry sense of humor.

Frank Reynolds:
I'm not joking! That sh*t is serious! I gotta take a shower now!

Frank Reynolds:
I got a plan to get back at your mother!

Dee Reynolds:
Too late, I'm already full throttle over here. I'm going to dig up her body in the middle of the night and snatch back that jewelry.

Frank Reynolds:
That's insane!

Dee Reynolds:
Frank, that woman is buried down there like Mr. T! I got to get to that body while the earth is still loose.

Dennis Reynolds:
Look, we need to start the healing process. Okay? I'm devastated over here. We need to throw a big-ass party. Because I need to be amongst friends. Let's call the crew. Let's round up the boys!

Charlie Kelly:
Round the crew up!

Dennis Reynolds:
And let's have a kick-ass party!

Charlie Kelly:
We got the diary! And the crew!

Dennis Reynolds, Charlie Kelly:
[singing] The boys are back in town. The boys are back in town.

Mac:
[checking cell phone] I have two numbers in my phone. Charlie and Dennis.

Frank Reynolds:
[overheard by children on a mike system] I got a question about you morticians. You bang the dead bodies? I imagine stuff like that goes on all the time. I mean I don't give a sh*t. If I was dead you could bang me all you want. I mean who cares? A dead body is like a piece of trash. I mean shove as much sh*t in there as you want. Fill me up with cream,make a stew out of my ass. What's the big deal? Bang me, eat me, grind me up into little pieces, throw me in the river. Who gives a sh*t? You're dead, you're dead! Oh Sh*t! Is my mike on?

Dee Reynolds:
Oh look, plutonium smuggled into Syria. Yeah, that's gonna change my life drastically.

Charlie Kelly:
Remember when we made the news show for eighth grade for social studies, dude?

Mac:
See, that was real news

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, we didn't distort facts. We told it like it was, you know?

Mac:
Yes.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, I remember that video. You guys were burning G.I. Joes and throwing rocks at cats.

Mac:
[In a retirement home] These places are like prison...

Frank Reynolds:
Like people getting their ass raped?

Charlie Kelly:
What? Oh my God, no one's getting ass raped, Frank! Come on, man!

Mac:
No, it's just that people don't wanna be here, because they feel like...

Frank Reynolds:
Because they're getting their ass raped!

Frank Reynolds:
I'm going with you guys because I am bored as sh*t.

Dee Reynolds:
That's not a good idea because when you get involved people usually get hurt.

Frank Reynolds:
I'm just hanging out with the guys. How's anyone gonna get hurt? [cue title card: "Frank Sets Sweet Dee On Fire"]

Charlie Kelly:
Ahh, I swallowed like a million blood capsulettes, cuz I was gonna cough like, you know, a handful of blood, to make it real, and now I'm thinkin' like you're not supposed to eat them or something, cuz they're making me really sick.

[someone is robbing the bar and Dennis is about to shoot him]

Sweet Dee:
[shouts] Shoot him in the face!

[Mac is shooting a log to practice with a gun]

Dennis:
If that log was trying to rob the place, you totally would have killed it!

Charlie Kelly:
Is it loaded?

Dennis:
It can be...

Mac:
Charlie, are you okay?

Charlie Kelly:
No, I'm not okay! I'm shot in the head!

Mac:
You're such a dildo dude.

Dennis:
Thanks dude. Thanks - that's a good way to start the day.

Mac:
We talked about it, and we decided that we need to get rid of that gun.

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh, oh, the gun... yeah, we're getting rid of the gun.

Mac:
You could have been killed. Dennis could have killed you

Charlie Kelly:
Okay, good, yes, I think that would be for the best... ah... mm... Dee, could you get me a nurse?

Dee Reynolds:
Yeah, sure. [exits]

Charlie Kelly:
Tell me we're not getting rid of that gun

Mac:
No way!

Dennis Reynolds:
[pulls gun out of his pants] Never.

Mac:
Bless me father, for I have sinned. It's been one week since my last confession.

Father Cullen:
Okay, my son. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, what is your confession?

Mac:
I'm fat. [cuts to episode title "How Mac Got Fat"]

Dee Reynolds:
[punching a hole in the wall due to 'roid rage] Oh good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Dee Reynolds:
[talking on the phone while on steroids] Yes dad, I know the fight is in a few hours, all right? I'm trying to find my goddamn head-band. Is that okay? Is that okay with you, if I find my head-band before I come down there? Is that all right with you dad? Jesus! Why didn't we get the orange one like I said? This one might as well be goddamn camoflaged!

[Dee punches her wall in rage]

Dee Reynolds:
[screaming] Oh, good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Mac:
[watching an underground fight] Well, this is awesome.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, this is amazing. There's blood everywhere. It's amazing!

Mac:
Yeah, and we were totally right. These guys don't have any technique. They just get all cranked up like animals and beat the christ out of each other.

Dennis Reynolds:
Look at all this money being thrown around. Dude, we gotta get in on this.

Mac:
Oh yeah. You know really, I think it's about who can take the biggest beating.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah.

Mac:
You know who can take a really good beating?

Dennis Reynolds:
Charlie.

Mac:
Charlie.

Dee Reynolds:
[seeing Frank load up a lot of weight onto a bar] Uh, that looks really heavy.

Frank Reynolds:
Look, this is not gonna be a half-assed workout. We gotta really get into it. It's gonna hurt.

Dee Reynolds:
Yeah, but I can't lift that.

Frank Reynolds:
Just position yourself under the bar and listen to me. Alright, here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna take all the weight on your neck. Then, you're gonna jam your legs down and hyperextend your ankles and then shoot back up and lock your knees in place.

Dee Reynolds:
None of of those things sound right to me... at all.

Frank Reynolds:
Look. You wanna fight like a man? You gotta train like a man.

Dennis Reynolds:
[while training Charlie to become an underground fighter] Why don't you punch this board?

[Dennis grabs a board and holds it up]

Charlie Kelly:
Okay. Hold it steady for me. Watch your eyes.

[Charlie punches the board and groans in pain]

Mac:
That looks like it stings.

Charlie Kelly:
Oh my god! What is that made out of?

Dennis Reynolds:
It's a board so it's, you know, made out of wood.

Mac:
It's like particle board.

Charlie Kelly:
It's like harder than wood, dude.

Mac:
It's actually softer than wood.

Shady Woman:
Men are suck pricks.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, tell me about it.

Shady Woman:
I bet you're real tired of them pushing you around.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh god, you have no idea.

Shady Woman:
If only there was a way that you could be physically tough enough to intimidate men...

Dee Reynolds:
I'm sorry. Do I know you?

Shady Woman:
Let's just say that I provide a much needed service around this place. Step into the shadows and uh, we'll talk.

Bobby Thunderstorm:
Hey, now we're talking. She's a killer.

Dee Reynolds:
You're goddamn right I'm a killer.

Brianna:
You look like a holocaust victim in pageant make-up.

Dee Reynolds:
I will eat your babies b*tch!

Brianna:
Bring it!

Frank Reynolds:
Nobody's eating anyone's babies.

Bobby Thunderstorm:
Hey, you looking to spur, little girl?

Frank Reynolds:
No, no. No fight. She's not ready.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, I'm ready.

Frank Reynolds:
No, you're not ready.

Dee Reynolds:
I'm ready! Let me eat her babies!

Frank Reynolds:
You're not ready for this fight.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, I have an idea, dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag!

Dee Reynolds:
[while hopped up on steroids] I'm gonna paralyze this b*tch.

Dee Reynolds:
[upon finding her steroids are gone] Who took my sh*t?

Charlie Kelly:
[quietly] I might have had some.

Dee Reynolds:
What did you just say, you little b*tch?

Charlie Kelly:
I might have had some of your pills or whatever.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh yeah?

[Dee walks over to Charlie and gets in his face]

Dee Reynolds:
[filled with rage] I am gonna punch a hole through your face!

Bobby Thunderstorm:
Hey! Now were talking here. She's a killer!

Dee Reynolds:
Your god damn right I'm a killer.

Brianna:
You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.

Dee Reynolds:
I will eat your babies, b*tch!

Brianna:
Bring it!

Frank Reynolds:
Nobody's gonna eat anyone's babies.

Brianna:
You look like a Holocaust victim wearing pageant makeup.

Dee Reynolds:
[steroid rage] I will eat your babies b*tch!

Sweet Dee:
I have an idea, Dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face, and hold the bag?

Sweet Dee:
[on steroids] Oh good! Are you happy now? I just punched a hole in my wall!

Sweet Dee:
I am gonna punch a hole through your face!

Charlie Kelly:
I'd like to see you try that.

Sweet Dee:
I WILL EAT YOUR BABIES, B*TCH!

Bobby Thunderstorm:
[to Dee] I'm just busting your old man's balls you don't have to get your panties in an uproar!

Dee Reynolds:
Oh I have an idea Dad. Why don't you shut your fat little monkey face and hold the bag? I'm going to paralyze this b*tch!

Frank Reynolds:
Deeandra no no stop.

Dee Reynolds:
Ten more minutes.

Frank Reynolds:
No, no, that's enough.

Dee Reynolds:
I love it, I need more of it, I need more of it.

Frank Reynolds:
Deandra that's enough that's enough.

Frank Reynolds:
God what the hell has gotten into you the last couple days?

Dee Reynolds:
What the hell is that supposed to mean? You think i cant do that by myself? You think I'm on something?

Frank Reynolds:
On something, no i never said you were on something. You just acting like you...

Dee Reynolds:
Yeah well don't start!

Bobby Thunderstorm:
Hey now were talking here shes a killer.

Dee Reynolds:
Your goddamn right I'm a killer.

Brianna:
You look like a holocaust victim in pageant makeup.

Dee Reynolds:
I will eat your babies b*tch!

Brianna:
Bring it!

Frank Reynolds:
Nobody is eating anybody's babies.

Bobby Thunderstorm:
Hey hey hey, you looking to spar little girl?

Frank Reynolds:
No no no fighting shes not ready.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh I'm ready!

Frank Reynolds:
No no your not ready.

Dee Reynolds:
I'm ready, let me eat her babies!

Bobby Thunderstorm:
What about next Friday huh?

Frank Reynolds:
Your crazy. Your crazy.

Dee Reynolds:
[to Brianna] Hows Friday huh? Hows Friday to you?

Bobby Thunderstorm:
Whats the matter Franky fat hands? You afraid she's going to get knocked out just like you did?

Brianna:
You look like a Holocaust victim in pageant make up.

Dee Reynolds:
I will eat your babies, b*tch!

Dee Reynolds:
Rocky IV is not the greatest move of all time.

Dennis Reynolds:
What do you consider to be a good movie?

Dee Reynolds:
I don't know, Million Dollar Baby or something.

Dennis Reynolds:
Are you serious? No way!

Dee Reynolds:
It won an Oscar!

Charlie Kelly:
It has Stallone punching a Russian's face in to all smithereens!

Mac:
Lifting anvils and sh*t, pulling a truck through snow.

Dennis Reynolds:
Million Dollar Baby is totally unrealistic. Girls can't fight, they don't have muscles.

Dee Reynolds:
That is a horribly sexist thing to say.

Dennis Reynolds:
It's not sexist, it's just truthful, you know.

Charlie Kelly:
Girls can't pull trucks through snow.

Dee Reynolds:
Could you pull a truck through snow?

Charlie Kelly:
I absolutely could!

Dee Reynolds:
You can barely walk through the snow, Charlie.

Dennis Reynolds:
That is true.

Charlie Kelly:
Okay, is the truck in Park or Neutral?

Mac:
That is a good question.

Dee Reynolds:
I will eat your babies, b*tch!

Warden:
Mr. Kelly, you said that the defendant threatened that if you didn't, and I quote "Stick things up your butt, he would rape your butt until the room stinks, and then he would eat your butt and his son's butt until his stomach was... full of butt."

Charlie Kelly:
Charlie, open up, we got a dick hole in the bar, we need you to come fill it in.

Charlie Kelly:
Okay, I gotta go fill her dick hole, bro.

Mac:
The only way that my dad is not going to kill us, is if he thinks we're already dead.

Charlie Kelly:
Oh great, I hope you'd say that, great, let's kill ourselves, let's do it.

[after discovering a glory hole in their toilets]

Dee Reynolds:
Why would you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

Dennis Reynolds:
Well, Dee. I think the real question is, why wouldn't you want to have sex with someone you can't see?

[Debating whether to include a viewing slot with the glory hole in the toilets]

Dennis Reynolds:
It's the safest way, Frank.

Frank Reynolds:
Dennis, if I was looking for safe, I wouldn't be sticking my dick through a wall.

Dee Reynolds:
[Knocks on door] Charlie, open up we got a dickhole in the bar and I need you to come fill it in.

Charlie Kelly:
[sighs] Ok, I gotta go fill her dickhole, bro.

Frank Reynolds:
If I'm looking for safe I'm not gonna be sticking my dick through a hole in the wall!

Dennis Reynolds:
What the hell is she doing here?

Waitress:
What the hell is she doing here? Really? Really. I'll tell you what I'm doing here. You wanna know what I'm doing here, sh*t-for-brains? I had sex with your dad! That's right! I had sex with your father, because just like you, I like my sex old and ugly! And with fake hair on their heads that falls off when you're having sex with them! It just falls off, because that's what you do, Dennis Reynolds - you like to have sex with old people! And you said that you loved me! You said "I love you", and so I thought "Okay, well, I love you too"! How do you show love? You go and have sex with old people, SO THAT'S WHAT I DID TOO!

Dennis Reynolds:
Okay, listen. Here's the deal. Uh, I'm gonna bang her tonight, probably around 10:30 or so. Now, I really don't wanna do that. So all you have to do to stop me is call my cell phone, by 10:30, and say "Dennis, you don't have to do Charlie Work anymore".

Charlie Kelly:
You're not gonna get away with this.

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh yeah, I will. I'll get away with it. 10:30, okay?

[Dennis opens door]

Dennis Reynolds:
[whispers] 10:30.

Charlie Kelly:
[after Dennis leaves] Gonna blackmail me? You gonna blackmail me, Dennis Reynolds?

[Charlie angrily smashes his house of cards]

Dee Reynolds:
I want my job back.

Charlie Kelly:
And you shall have it. Oh, Dee. It looks like we both need things from each other.

Dee Reynolds:
I am not having sex with you, Charlie.

Charlie Kelly:
No. It's not sex I want from you. It's sex I don't want from Dennis.

Charlie Kelly:
[to Dennis, while singing] I know something you don't know.

Mac:
Charlie, I have a real dilemma on my hands. Now, normally I would never talk to you about these things because you're so incredibly unreliable, but Dennis, Dee, and Frank are all directly involved in this and I gotta tell somebody man, I am bustin'! Okay... Dennis' mom tried to have sex with me!

Charlie Kelly:
Interesting...

Mac:
Yeah, man! She got naked, she came on to me, I mean that woman is straight crazy but I think I wanna bang her, man! I know I shouldn't do it, it's...

Charlie Kelly:
I think you should do it!

Mac:
...What?

Charlie Kelly:
Look, an opportunity like this only comes around once in a lifetime, right?

Mac:
Right!

Charlie Kelly:
And so you'd be a fool to let it slip through your fingers.

Mac:
Yeah! That's what I'm thinking! But, it's Dennis and Dee's mom.

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, well that means that no one ever, ever's gonna find out.

Mac:
That doesn't make any sense.

Charlie Kelly:
It doesn't have to make sense.

Mac:
You're right, I'm gonna do it!

[they both laugh maniacally]

Mrs. Mac:
Don't find you attractive.

Dennis Reynolds:
What?

Mrs. Mac:
I think you're an ugly man.

Dennis Reynolds:
You think I'm ugly?

Mrs. Mac:
Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm not ugly. You're ugly.

Mrs. Mac:
Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds:
[getting fed up] Jesus Christ. What is wrong with you, woman? You're saying that I'm un... you don't find me attractive?

Mrs. Mac:
No.

Dennis Reynolds:
And you're what, not gonna have sex with me?

Mrs. Mac:
No.

Dennis Reynolds:
This is ridiculous. I'm, I'm out of here.

Charlie Kelly:
THIS ISN'T OVER UNTIL I SAY IT'S OVER!

Charlie Kelly:
[looking at calculator] What... are... you?

Waitress:
I'm going to stab him, I'm going to stab his face off!

Frank Reynolds:
It's just maybe - I think you're too old for me.

Angie Spinola:
Frank, I'm two years younger than you.

Frank Reynolds:
That's what I'm talking about.

Frank Reynolds:
Remember the time we robbed a motorcycle an ran it into the river? Oh, you must be doing sh*t like that now, huh? Come on.

Angie Spinola:
Well, I've slowed down quite a bit once I met my husband, Carl.

Frank Reynolds:
Oh... you said you weren't married.

Angie Spinola:
Oh, I'm not. Carl passed a few years ago.

Frank Reynolds:
Oh...

Angie Spinola:
Once I met him and had kids, I pretty much stayed at home. Carl had two children from a previous marriage and then we had five of our own.

Frank Reynolds:
Oh, sh*t!

Waitress:
No, I'm not going to ask you inside, Dennis.

Dennis Reynolds:
Why not?

Waitress:
Because... I really... like you.

Dennis Reynolds:
Well, yeah, I mean... I really like you, too...

Waitress:
Then let's just take it slow, okay?

Dennis Reynolds:
Wait, wait... Uh... I... love... you...

Waitress:
...Ha! I... I kinda don't know what to say!

Dennis Reynolds:
I kinda don't want you to say anything.

[the Waitress leans in for a kiss. Dennis' phone rings]

Dennis Reynolds:
Hold that thought.

[turns away, takes call]

Dennis Reynolds:
Yo.

Charlie Kelly:
I'm ready to talk.

Dennis Reynolds:
Cuttin' it pretty close there, pal. I almost sealed the deal.

Charlie Kelly:
Just meet me at Paddy's and we'll work it all out.

[hangs up, Dennis turns back to the Waitress]

Waitress:
Heh, sorry about that. I feel like maybe I was being a little judgmental.

Dennis Reynolds:
You're good! Haha.

Waitress:
Haha, okay. Well let's go.

Dennis Reynolds:
No. Uh, you were right, I sh... I'm gonna go. Yeah. I'm gonna go now, we should take it slow - you were right.

Waitress:
Really? Because I... don't... need to now...

Dennis Reynolds:
[starts walking away] I think it's good, I think it's real good.

Waitress:
Call me!

Dennis Reynolds:
Ahahahaha!

Dennis Reynolds:
[holding flowers and chocolates] Hi.

Mrs. Mac:
What?

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm looking for Mrs. Mac. Is she in? I'm a friend of her son's.

Mrs. Mac:
I know you, Dennis.

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh... oh, my God... ah... it's been a long time. I haven't seen you in a while, you look different.

Mrs. Mac:
I gained a little weight.

Dennis Reynolds:
Is that what it is? 'Looks good on ya.

Mrs. Mac:
Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah... Mind if I sit?

[Mrs. Mac groans]

Dennis Reynolds:
So, watching a little TV outside, huh?

Mrs. Mac:
I like the fresh air.

Dennis Reynolds:
Probably gets a little lonely though, every once in a while, watching TV out here by yourself. Every once in a while you probably want a man, right?

[Mrs. Mac sighs]

Dennis Reynolds:
Someone to fulfill your desires?

[puts hand on Mrs. Mac's thigh]

Mrs. Mac:
Oh... Not interested.

Dennis Reynolds:
Don't fight it, Mrs. Mac. Why don't we go inside and have a little fun.

Mrs. Mac:
'Don't find you attractive.

Dennis Reynolds:
What?

Mrs. Mac:
I think you're an ugly man.

Dennis Reynolds:
You think I'm ugly?

Mrs. Mac:
Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm not ugly, you're ugly.

Mrs. Mac:
Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds:
Hey!

Waitress:
Dennis, hey!

Dennis Reynolds:
Got somethin' for ya.

Waitress:
What? [Dennis gives her flowers] Really?

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah!

Waitress:
Wow, oh, thank you! That's really nice.

Dennis Reynolds:
Can I take your coat?

Waitress:
Uh, are we staying here?

Dennis Reynolds:
No no, I just want to have a look at what you're wearing.

Waitress:
Ah, haha, okay. [takes off coat, poses for Dennis] So, what do you think?

Dennis Reynolds:
Yyyyeah, okay... that'll work. Are you not wearing make up?

Waitress:
...I'm wearing make up.

Dennis Reynolds:
Really?

Waitress:
Yeah.

Dennis Reynolds:
Do you have any more?

Frank Reynolds:
I'm going to go oil my chainsaw.

Dee Reynolds:
What?

Dennis Reynolds:
Frank, we don't need the chainsaw. Is that what's in that bag?

Frank Reynolds:
Oh, we do... because drawing a confession out of someone is like doing a beautiful dance... a beautiful dance with a chainsaw.

Dennis Reynolds:
He makes less and less sense as the days go by.

Dee Reynolds:
I don't get it... at all.

Dennis Reynolds:
[the gang talks about the city's serial killer as Mac suddenly walks into the bar] This guy got laid last night!

Mac:
[nervously] No, I didn't!

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, you did. You didn't come last night.

Mac:
Yes, I did!

Dee Reynolds:
Yeah, those are the same clothes you were wearing yesterday.

Mac:
No, they aren't. They're different clothes.

Dennis Reynolds:
Hey, what's with those scratches on your neck?

Mac:
Scratches? What scratches? I've... I've gotta take a piss. Stop asking me questions.

[runs into the bathroom]

Dee Reynolds:
Well, that was weird.

Charlie Kelly:
I wonder what got into him.

Frank Reynolds:
Serial killin'!

Charlie Kelly:
Hey Frank, what guy hasn't done some extensive research on his own genitalia? Don't say you, buddy, 'cause I woke up to you doing some pretty frantic research last night, pal!

Frank Reynolds:
We can go tit for tat on that one, so you better drop that subject!

Pimp:
[spotting Dee in her skimpy outfit] Damn, girl! Who you wit?

Dee Reynolds:
I think you have the wrong idea. I'm not with anybody.

Pimp:
Word. Well, lookee here: Maybe if you get up off that crack rock, you can come and be Pepper Jack's best ho.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, I'm not on any crack rock. I mean... Okay, one time I was hooked on the crack rock. That was because I was trying to get on welfare and I failed a drug test. But that stuff, you gotta be careful. It'll mess you... Why are you asking? Do you have some on you?

Dee Reynolds:
[to Dennis who is hiding in bushes] Dennis!

Dennis Reynolds:
Dee! What the hell are you doing? Get out of here! You're gonna blow my cover.

Dee Reynolds:
This seems extraordinarily dangerous.

Dennis Reynolds:
Dee, that is the point of being here. This is the area of the highest concentration of murders by the serial killer.

Dee Reynolds:
I know, that's why I feel like a sitting duck out there.

Dennis Reynolds:
Well, you volunteered for this, sis, okay? As you recall, I didn't want to use you as the bait: You do not fit the profile.

Dee Reynolds:
[annoyed] I fit the profile, Dennis!

Dennis Reynolds:
That's the right attitude. [refers to Dee's breasts] Now, pull these out or something. You need to look sexy for this guy. Otherwise he's never gonna... come on.

Dee Reynolds:
I just feel this is a very inappropriate outfit for how cold it is out here.

Dennis Reynolds:
Is it cold out here?

Dee Reynolds:
[irritated] It's freezing!

Dennis Reynolds:
See, I don't feel that. I have a down jacket, a wool blanket... It's a very toasty situation I got back here. Get back out there, Tiger. You can do it! I believe in you.

[Mac lets Charlie overhear Mac talking on the phone with a woman called Sandy, who unbeknownst to them is actually Dee disguising her voice]

Dee Reynolds:
This is Mac, right? Good looking guy, great sense of humor, really bulky.

Mac:
Uh, more ripped.

Charlie Kelly:
Strike that.

Mac:
Jacked.

Charlie Kelly:
Irrelevant.

Mac:
Toned

Charlie Kelly:
Exaggeration

Mac:
I work out.

Charlie Kelly:
I'll allow it.

Dennis Reynolds:
[Dennis walks out with a turtleneck and a clipboard as Mac arrives for a blind date] Who are you here to see?

Mac:
My friend Sandy.

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh, Sandy. Sandy, huh? Is Sandy a young, attractive, blond girl?

Mac:
I have no idea.

Dennis Reynolds:
Uh, Sandy, why don't you come out here, please?

Dee Reynolds:
[walks out] Oh, hello, Mac.

Dennis Reynolds:
Not so young and attractive, is she?

Dee Reynolds:
Did you bring the condoms?

Mac:
Ooooh. Not a fan of the whole condom thing.

Dee Reynolds:
Where is M. Night? I have questions for him!

Charlie Kelly:
[singing] Sharing, it's a rule now. [fart noise]

Charlie Kelly:
[Charlie and Dee examine bodies in a morgue] These are two dead bodies.

Dee Reynolds:
They're dead. Two dead guys.

Charlie Kelly:
This is the real deal here.

Dee Reynolds:
[Examining African American specimen] I don't think I can eat this guy.

Charlie Kelly:
I don't think I can, right? Why is that?

Dee Reynolds:
I don't know.

Charlie Kelly:
It's not because he's black, though, right?

Dee Reynolds:
Of course not... I don't think so... No.

Charlie Kelly:
It's because he's dead, right?

Dee Reynolds:
It's because he's dead, that's why not.

Charlie Kelly:
Good, good, good. [pause] I've got a question for you: is it racist if we don't eat this guy?

Dee Reynolds:
Well, sh*t, Charlie. Now it is.

Charlie Kelly:
I'm sorry, Dee. [walking over to white specimen] The white guy over here looks better to me for some reason.

Dee Reynolds:
So much better, doesn't he? What is that?

Charlie Kelly:
You know what it is? Generally, I don't eat dark meat.

Dee Reynolds:
I prefer the white meat. I always have.

Charlie Kelly:
It's not that guy. It's this guy.

Dee Reynolds:
The problem is: I'm gonna have a really hard time if we're both cannibals *and* we're racists.

Dee Reynolds:
We're not, Dee. Cannibalism? Racism? Dee, that's not for us. You know? Those are the decisions that are best left to the suits in Washington. Okay? We're just here to eat some dude.

Dee Reynolds:
You lost me with Washington, but the rest I agree with. So let's eat a peace of this guy.

Charlie Kelly:
[long, apprehensive pause] I can't do it.

Dee Reynolds:
No. Me neither.

Charlie Kelly:
The goods news is, I guess this means we're not racist.

Frank Reynolds:
[Charlie and Dee are discussing where to get some human meat from Frank] That wasn't human meat! It was raccoon meat. You probably got a tapeworm, that stuff is loaded with parasites!

Charlie Kelly:
[Charlie starts laughing hysterically] Raccoon meat! BULLSHIT!

Dee Reynolds:
Oh yes Frank, we're gonna go get some of that human meat of yours!

Charlie Kelly:
[brandishing a butcher knife] I'M GONNA CHOP A PIECE OF THAT FAT LITTLE CALF MUSCLE OF YOURS AND I'M GONNA EAT IT! GET HIM! [Charlie and Dee chase after Frank]

Mac:
And the hunt is on once again.

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh those two are gonna have so much fun. [Dennis goes and locks the door]

Mac:
Yes indeed. But the question still remains with what to do with Mr. Cricket.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yup Mac, it's just us now. Just you and me, and a couple of pairs of sour, sweaty balls.

Matthew 'Rickety Cricket' Mara:
Oh yes, Mac and Dennis, get ready for a mouthful of strawberry blond, hair covered balls.

Frank Reynolds:
[stunned] What is it with you people? You're touching each other's nipples, putting your balls in each other's mouths... I just don't understand your generation.

Frank Reynolds:
Ah I see you two are enjoying my meat. I was just buying some wine. A nice port to compliment what you two have just eaten. By the way, you know what you've just eaten right?

Dee Reynolds:
Was it venison?

Frank Reynolds:
You WISH it was venison!

Charlie Kelly:
What is it then?

Frank Reynolds:
THAT which you have just eaten, which your taste buds have savored, which your teeth have just torn apart, THAT is human meat.

Frank Reynolds:
I went on a manhunt once. I just got back from Nam. I was hitchhiking through Oregon. Next thing I know there's a bunch of cops chasing after me through the woods! I had to take them all out, it was a bloodbath!

Mac:
Dude that's Rambo.

Dennis Reynolds:
And that's not the first time you've compared yourself to Jon Rambo by the way.

Mac:
You know what? This is making me think I could get on board with a manhunt.

Frank Reynolds:
NO! YOU DO NOT GO ON A MANHUNT!

Dennis Reynolds:
[Mac and Dennis start laughing hysterically] Screw you.

Frank Reynolds:
Paddy's Pub Stress Ball! You give this to people, they put it on their desk, and during they day, you squeeze it when you have any tension!

Dennis Reynolds:
Right. [He squeezes it and it breaks] Oh god dammit Frank! That's just an egg!

Frank Reynolds:
It's a jumping off point.

Charlie Kelly:
[Looking at attorney through binoculars] Oh sh*t, I see him. He's walking towards the car. He's walking towards the car!

Dee Reynolds:
Get down!

Charlie Kelly:
Why's he coming towards us?

Dee Reynolds:
Get down and hold still!

Attorney:
[Gets in drivers seat of the car] Alright... So um, what are you people doing in my car now?

Dennis Reynolds:
What do I want you to say? I don't know..."Dennis Reynolds, your car is awesome. Your flat-screen TV, I took a look at it. It's very very thin. It speaks volumes about you as a person."

Dee Reynolds:
If I had to write an article about you, it would say that you're very negative. The headline might be 'Most negative man in the world calls other people white trash to make himself not feel so faggy."

Dee Reynolds:
You know what I gotta be honest with you, I think these supplements are doing a great job on their own, you know what I mean? I got tons of energy, my heart rates up, things are going great...

Dennis Reynolds:
Absolutely. I feel great too. Look how vascular I am, look at how my veins are poppin'.

Dee Reynolds:
Holy Sh*t.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, I look good AND I feel good.

Dee Reynolds:
I feel good too apart from the recent bounds of explosive diarrhea.

Dennis Reynolds:
Ohh. You've been having diarrhea?

Dee Reynolds:
Oh God, all over the place.

Dennis Reynolds:
Really? Well you know what that is, that's probably your body flushing out all the toxins.

Dee Reynolds:
You think so?

Dennis Reynolds:
I do think so yeah, yeah. I on the other hand have not taken a sh*t in days.

Dee Reynolds:
Days?

Dennis Reynolds:
Days.

Dee Reynolds:
That doesn't sound good.

Dennis Reynolds:
Ohh, no it's good. My body's working at 100% efficiency. Yeah, my body is absorbing every single nutrient and it's not wasting a single thing.

Dee Reynolds:
Your body is taking it's job very seriously.

Dennis Reynolds:
My body's doing it's job like it's never done it before.

Charlie Kelly:
Will you just help me out man? This is Johnson's mail ok? Now Johnson's gone AWOL for the week with the wife and kids down in Orlando so I want you to keep a pile in a neat stack somewhere that's all Johnson's mail.

Mac:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second. This guy's in Orlando for the week?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah man, help me out here.

Mac:
Hold on a second bro. This is the perfect opportunity. I'm gonna hang out in his office and pretend I'm the new guy.

Charlie Kelly:
Uhh, I don't think that's gonna work dude.

Mac:
Uhh, have you seen the secret to my success?

Charlie Kelly:
Uhh, they're gonna catch on to you.

Mac:
Uhhh, yeah but before they do I'm gonna come up with an idea that will save the company millions and they'll be forced to promote me.

Charlie Kelly:
Uhhh, you sure? How does that movie end dude?

Mac:
Uhhh, I can't remember it. Ooo, yeah, he bangs that old lady and then they play that song from the 80's: Day Bow Bow.

Dee Reynolds:
Why don't we up the supplements which we know work and eliminate working out which we know blows.

Dennis Reynolds:
That sounds like a pretty good plan. You know what? I'm gonna take it one step further and propose that we start working on a muscle that we've been neglecting this entire time. And it's the most important muscle in the entire body. [takes out fitness instructor's cd and inserts his own into the cd player]

Dee Reynolds:
Which muscle?

Dennis Reynolds:
The face. [Steve Winwood's 'Higher Love' begins playing] That's a gift for you bumble bee. Come on.

Dee Reynolds:
Enjoy it Coach Dick 'n' Balls.

Dennis Reynolds:
[describing his workout goals] I'm going for that Jesus on the cross look.

Dee Reynolds:
What the sh*t is this?

Mac:
Cheech over here bought himself a bong.

Frank Reynolds:
[taking a massive bong rip] Holy sh*t Deeandra, this is wacky. I want you to go download me a hoagie off the internet.

Dee Reynolds:
That doesn't make any sense.

Dennis Reynolds:
Hey Frank say something else funny.

Frank Reynolds:
You think there's b*tches in the bar?

Dee Reynolds:
What?

Frank Reynolds:
B*tches in the bar?

Dennis Reynolds:
[after realizing he knew Dee's new boyfriend in high school] That guy's retarded!

Dee Reynolds:
Yeah? Well you're retarded.

Dennis Reynolds:
No, Dee, I mean he is actually a retarded person.

Dee Reynolds:
Come on. He's so succesful and he gives me things like this necklace. I would know if he was retarded. Wouldn't I?

Charlie Kelly:
[singing with his band] Night Man, sneaky and mean / Spider inside my dreams / I think I love you / You make me want to cry / You make me want to die / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you / I love you Night Man / Every night you come into my room and pin me down / With your strong arms you pin me down / And I try to fight you / You come inside me / And fill me up and I become the...

Mac:
[cuts him off] Whoa whoa, Charlie. Okay the first part of that song was kinda cool but what's up with the second part?

Charlie Kelly:
Well it's about the Night Man and how he comes inside me and I like become him, you know I become the spirit of the Night Man

Mac:
Yeah? Cause it sounds like a song where a guy breaks into your house and rapes you!

Charlie Kelly:
What? No. Where are you getting that from? Here' let me play the rest [starts singing again] It's just two men sharing the night/ It might seem wrong but it's just right/ It's just two men sharing each other/ It's just two men like loving brothers/ One on top and one on bottom/ One is inside and one is out/ One is screaming he's so happy/ The other's screaming a passionate shout/ It's the Night Man/ The feeling so wrong and right man/ The feeling so wrong and... / I can't fight you Night Man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the niiiiiiight/ The passionate, passionate Night Man!

[repeated line]

Dee Reynolds:
Boom.

Dennis Reynolds:
What the hell is this? A page from a coloring book?

Mac:
It's a song Charlie wrote. It's called Nightman. Skip all the raping parts and get on the stage.

Frank Reynolds:
5 6 7 8

Charlie Kelly:
Night man, sneaky and mean, spider inside my dreams, i think i love you, you make me want to cry, you make me want to die, i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you night man.

Charlie Kelly:
Every night you come into my room, and pin me down with your strong arms, and pin me down and i try to fight you. You come inside me, you fill me up and...

Frank Reynolds, Mac:
Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa Charlie Charlie.

Mac:
Charlie hold on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kinda cool but whats with the second half?

Charlie Kelly:
It's about the night man, like you know like filling me up and i become him i become the spirit of the night man.

Mac:
But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.

Charlie Kelly:
What dude, where are you getting that from? It's just two men sharing the night, it might seem wrong but its just right, it's just two men sharing each other, it's just two men like loving brothers, one on top and one on bottom, one inside and one is out, one is screaming he's so happy, the others screaming a passionate shout, it's the night man, I'm feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man, i can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and i become the night, the passionate, passionate night man.

Mac:
We need a new front man.

Charlie Kelly:
What is going on up here? [Points to his head and laughs]

Dennis Reynolds:
I never know man.

Charlie Kelly:
Daylight. [Pointing to a bright window]

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah i like that. [pointing to Charlie's keyboard beat]

Charlie Kelly:
Day, Day-man.

Dennis Reynolds:
Dayman?

Charlie Kelly:
Fighter of the Night Man, Champion of the...

Dennis Reynolds:
sun...

Charlie Kelly:
Sun! you're a master of karate,

Dennis Reynolds:
and friendship, for everyone.

Mac:
[referring to band] You're not in it.

Dennis Reynolds:
Why am I not in it? I have a great voice.

Mac:
You do have a great voice. You know what, man? You have an excellent voice the problem is that you're like into all of that early eighties glam rock fem sh*t and that's not the artistic direction that I want to take the band in.

Dennis Reynolds:
Artistic direction? You guys don't even play instruments.

Mac:
Well that doesn't matter, does it? Because it's all about rocking and looking good and kicking ass.

Frank Reynolds:
Yeah, he's right. It's all about image and marketing. I mean, there are no band out there with any musical ability.

Mac:
Frank, I like the way you think. You're in the band!

Charlie Kelly:
[singing] They took you Night Man and you don't belong to them. They left me in a world of darkness without your sexy hands and I miss you, Night Man... so bad.

Dennis Reynolds:
What's with the uh, curtains?

Charlie Kelly:
I'm living in a world of darkness.

Dennis Reynolds:
Right. Let's get some light in here. [Pulls down curtains and sees Charlie with silver spray paint around his nose and mouth from huffing] Whoa, what's with the spray paint, man?

Charlie Kelly:
Uhh, what's with your outfit, man?

Dennis Reynolds:
Why don't we put the curtains back up?

Charlie Kelly:
No, no. What is going onn up here? [Points to his head]

Dennis Reynolds:
I never know man.

Charlie Kelly:
[Starts a beat with his electric piano] Daylight [Points to windows]

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, I like that.

Charlie Kelly:
Day-Dayman.

Dennis Reynolds:
Dayman.

Charlie Kelly:
Fighter of the Nightman. Champion of the... sun. You're a master of karate...

Dennis Reynolds:
...and friendship, for everyone

Charlie Kelly:
Dayman, that's it!

Dennis Reynolds:
Dayman, ahhhhhh...

Charlie Kelly:
...fighter of the nightman

Dennis Reynolds:
Ahhhhh.

Charlie Kelly:
[together] Champion of the sun, ahhhhh, you're a master of karate and friendship for everyone. Dayman.

Dennis Reynolds:
I have an awful lot of reading to do...

Lil' Kevin:
[beginning of rap] Let me tell you all a story 'bout a girl I knew. A broke-ass b*tch with a gay-ass crew...

Charlie Kelly:
Whoa dude, what are you doing? That's my good chair!

Mac:
Charlie, it's covered in bird sh*t.

Charlie Kelly:
No... it's toothpaste.

Mac:
It's clearly bird sh*t.

Charlie Kelly:
No, it's not. It's toothpaste.

Mac:
Do you even own a toothbrush?

Charlie Kelly:
[singing] Night Man, sneaky and mean. Spider inside my dreams, I think I love you. You make me want to cry, you make me want to die. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, Night Man. Every night you come into my room and pin me down with your strong arms, And pin me down and I try to fight you, You come inside me and fill me up and I become the Night Man.

Mac:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Charlie. Hang on a second. I mean the first half of that song was kind of cool, but what's with the second half?

Charlie Kelly:
It's about the Night Man, like, you know, like filling me up, and I become him,I become the spirit of the Night Man.

Mac:
But it sounds like a song where a man breaks into your house and rapes you.

Charlie Kelly:
What, dude? Where are you getting that from? Alright, [resumes singing] It's just two men sharing the night. It might seem wrong, but it's just right. It's just two men sharing each other. It's just two men like lovin' brothers. One on top, and one on bottom. One inside, and one is out. One is screaming he's so happy and the other's screaming a passionate shout. It's the Night Man. The feeling so wrong and right man, the feeling so wrong and right man. I can't fight you man when you come inside me and pin me down with your strong hands and I become the Night... the passionate, passionate Night Man.

Mac:
We need a new front man...

Dee Reynolds:
What is this thing?

Charlie Kelly:
That's Dennis' prototype. Be careful with that.

Dee Reynolds:
No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.

Charlie Kelly:
Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"

Dee Reynolds:
Oh god.

Charlie Kelly:
And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're in to it and it's hot and it's passionate.

Dee Reynolds:
Charlie...

Charlie Kelly:
And then it's just you and me babe...

Dee Reynolds:
Oh my god.

Charlie Kelly:
...Like all night long...

Dee Reynolds:
Charlie...

Charlie Kelly:
...And I satisfy her so many times. She starts screaming my name...

Dee Reynolds:
Charlie!

Charlie Kelly:
"Charlie!" she says...

Dee Reynolds:
Charlie!

Charlie Kelly:
..."Charlie!" she says, "Charlie!" she says...

Dee Reynolds:
CHARLIE, Jesus!

Charlie Kelly:
Dee! What are you... I thought you had walked back over...

Dee Reynolds:
No, I've been standing here the whole time!

Charlie Kelly:
Look, I was in the middle of a...

Dee Reynolds:
Are you going to help me with this or not?

Charlie Kelly:
I'm trying to... What are you doing, because you're looking pretty...

Dee Reynolds:
Oh Jesus, I'm just going to do this myself.

Dee Reynolds:
What is this thing?

Charlie Kelly:
That's Dennis' prototype, be careful with that

Dee Reynolds:
No, I know it's the prototype but I don't get how it works.

Charlie Kelly:
Dee, you're asking a million questions. All right, look, I'm just going to walk you through it, so pay attention. OK, look, the pretty lady gets naked, of course, and I help her into the prototype, yes? My hands sort of guiding along her body making sure that it fits properly. Now the dress is starting to look fantastic, you know? And she feels very excited, she feels very sensual and I feel very sensual about her because she looks so good. And then, you know, we chit-chat a little bit, no big deal but she asks me back to her place. Where did that come from? I accept, you know? And then we chit-chat at her place, it's no big deal, but eventually she says, "Do you want to make love, Charlie?"

Dee Reynolds:
Oh God.

Charlie Kelly:
And I say, "Are you serious? Because yes, I do." And then just boom, we're into it and it's hot and it's passionate.

Dee Reynolds:
Charlie...

Charlie Kelly:
And then it's just you and me babe...

Dee Reynolds:
Oh my God.

Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson:
Okay, Dennis, I'm confused.

Dennis Reynolds:
Why's that?

Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson:
These are just pictures of women with giant breasts.

Dennis Reynolds:
...Yeah.

Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson:
And in some of these sketches, the women aren't even wearing clothes.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yes.

Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson:
Well... Why?

Dennis Reynolds:
Listen... Let me level with you. You're an attractive girl. I mean certainly you've got some potential, right? There's no reason to be so nervous around me. Why don't you just order a couple of my dresses and maybe if you're lucky, I'll even make one special just for you. And if you look good enough in it... hell, I might even consider having sex with you. How does that sound?

Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson:
Terrible.

Dennis Reynolds:
Alright, let's just calm down. You're having a reaction. It's understandable. It's the nerd in you talking. Why don't we start over. How many of my dresses would you like to order?

Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson:
None. Not one.

Dennis Reynolds:
Okay, well I'm not going to take no for an answer because I just refuse to do that because I'm a winner and winners... we don't listen to words like "no" or "don't" or "stop!" Those words are just not in our vocabulary. I know what you need. You need to see my dresses on a model. I'll tell you what, I'm going to come back tomorrow with a model.

Ingrid 'Fatty Mcgoo' Nelson:
Please don't do that.

Dennis Reynolds:
Save your breath, Ingrid. Those words have never worked on me. I'll see you tomorrow.

Charlie Kelly:
Why is the witch-slave shooting at you anyways?

Frank Reynolds:
Maybe she used her sorcery.

Dee Reynolds:
Sorcery? Your dumb-dick partner walked into the bar, and said he'd stolen a bunch of guns, and asked if I wanted to shoot a pumpkin off his head, and of course I did, so here we are.

Frank Reynolds:
Damn your necromancy woman!

Mac:
[while dancing] Shouldn't have gotten knocked out of the competition ya old b*tch!

Frank Reynolds:
Employee evaluation. This bar is a business, and we're gonna start acting like one.

Mac:
Yeah, well, I DON'T want to start acting like a business, 'cause that sounds boring as sh*t.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, and this thing's, like, ten pages long, so you know what? I'm not gonna read it.

Frank Reynolds:
Well, then, that's gonna affect your rank!

Dennis Reynolds:
Rank?

Frank Reynolds:
I put us all in a ranking system so you'd all care about your jobs.

Dennis Reynolds:
Are we ranked now?

Frank Reynolds:
Yes, you are.

Dennis Reynolds:
Where am I ranked?

Frank Reynolds:
Second, after me.

Mac:
Wait, what about me?

Frank Reynolds:
You're third.

Mac:
WHAT? Why am I third?

Frank Reynolds:
Too volatile.

Mac:
BULLSHIT! That's BULLSHIT!

Dee Reynolds:
[about the dance 'contest']

Dee Reynolds:
Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?

Dennis Reynolds:
Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?

Charlie Kelly:
No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.

Dee Reynolds:
That's a 'Z', Charlie!

Frank Reynolds:
Didn't you read that goddamn thing?

Charlie Kelly:
I gave it a once-over!

Mac:
Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

[in an attempt to make Dennis jealous]

Waitress:
I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy!

Dee Reynolds:
[about the dance 'contest'] Place, Paddy's Pub. Time, Saturday. Date, with Charlie Kelly. Prize... PADDY'S PUB?

Dennis Reynolds:
Whoa, dude, you put the bar up as a prize?

Charlie Kelly:
No, I listed it in the 'Pride' section, the place where you list what you take pride in.

Dee Reynolds:
That's a 'Z', Charlie!

Frank Reynolds:
Didn't you read that goddamn thing?

Charlie Kelly:
I gave it a once-over!

Mac:
Oh, that's it! Your illiteracy has screwed us again!

Waitress:
I'm gonna go grind a homeless guy!

Charlie Kelly:
[Rickety Cricket, with a set of high-tech new leg braces, just challenged Mac to a danceoff] You know he's not gonna go down easy.

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh no way, dude. He's fueled by vengeance and reinforced with space-age technology.

Dennis Reynolds:
Tire her out with your spastic movements.

Mac:
I'll tire her out with my awesome movements.

Charlie Kelly:
Bro, I can handle my sedatives.

Dee Reynolds:
Good luck with those kegs, boners.

Matthew Mara 'Rickety Cricket':
Come on, Mac, join our crew.

Homeless Larry:
Shut up, Street Rat!

Charlie Kelly:
DJ Fat Michael?

Fat Michael:
Yo!

Charlie Kelly:
Squirrely D?

DJ Squirrely D:
My man!

Charlie Kelly:
Can you please play my tape for a dance chal-LONGE?

Fat Michael:
Yes, I can do, my brother!

Charlie Kelly:
[to Dennis] Cream always rises to the top and you're about to see the white hot cream of an eighth grade boy.

Mac:
[sees Frank and company grilling outside] What the hell is going on out here?

Frank Reynolds:
We're makin' brownies...

Matthew Mara 'Rickety Cricket':
The drug-filled kind.

Charlie Kelly:
I've got a confession: I'm in love with a man. "What?" I'm in love with a man. A man called God. Does that make me gay? Am I "gay for God"? You betcha.

Frank Reynolds:
[after a water stain that resembles the Virgin Mary is found in the back room, and the gang is arguing about if it's a miracle] Alright! Listen! It could be a miracle... or it could be bullshit! But we know one thing's for sure...

Charlie Kelly:
What's that?

Frank Reynolds:
It's a goddamn gold-mine!

Mac:
We look like salt and pepper shakers!

Charlie Kelly:
Trust in God, he'll give you shoes!

Charlie Kelly:
I am familiar with carpentry and I don't know who my father is. So, am I the messiah? I don't know, I could be, I'm not ruling it out.

Mac:
Congratulations Jim Jones. You found the four people dumb enough to listen to your sh*t!

Frank Reynolds:
What, you put the moves on him?

Dee Reynolds:
First of all, gross, I don't think you're supposed to whore out your kids. Second of all, that guy is a really good person and I've treated him like sh*t for his whole life. For once I'm going to do the right thing.

Frank Reynolds:
He thinks you're too old, huh?

Dee Reynolds:
God Damn it. Why do I speak to you? Ever?

Mac:
Let's go toe to toe on the bible, b*tch.

Charlie Kelly:
Ask and ye shall receive, sucka.

Charlie Kelly:
I'm in love with a man. What? That's right. I'm in love with a man named "God". Does that make me gay? Gay for God? You betcha!"

Charlie Kelly:
Here's a confession: I'm in love with a man. What? I'm in love with a man... a man named God. Does that make me gay? Am I gay for God? You betcha.

Charlie Kelly:
I'm in love with a man... a man called God.

Frank Reynolds:
Could be a miracle or could be bullshit? All I know is, it's a Goddamn goldmine!

The Attorney:
This family behind me has 90 days to vacate. Until then, you can't touch them. [Frank starts yelling]

Charlie Kelly:
Let me handle this, Frank. It's not bullbird. He's making a few good points. [turns to lawyer] Look, buddy. I know a lot about the law and various other lawyerings. I'm well educated. Well versed. I know that situations like this- real estate wise- they're very complex.

The Attorney:
Actually, they're pretty simple. The forms are all standard boiler plate.

Charlie Kelly:
Okay. Well, we're all hungry. We're gonna get to our hotplates soon enough, alright? Let's talk about the contract here.

The Attorney:
I'm sorry, I forgot. Where did you go to law school again?

Charlie Kelly:
I could ask you the very same question...

The Attorney:
[interrupting] I went to Harvard.

Charlie Kelly:
[incoherent mumbling]

The Attorney:
What?

Charlie Kelly:
I'm pleading the 5th, sir.

The Attorney:
I wouldn't advise you do that.

Charlie Kelly:
And I'll take that advise under cooperation, alright? Now, let's say you and I go toe-to-toe on bird law and see who comes out the victor?

The Attorney:
You know, I don't think I'm going to do anything close to that and I can clearly see you know nothing about the law. Seems like you have a tenuous grasp on the English language in general.

Charlie Kelly:
[more mumbling]... Filibuster...

The Attorney:
Do you know what that word means?

Charlie Kelly:
[after a long, stammering pause, Charlie screams and crashes through what's left of the door]

Charlie Kelly:
I knew that guy was full of sh*t! I knew it!

Dennis Reynolds:
What guy?

Charlie Kelly:
That lawyer guy, okay. He totally besmirched me today, and I demand satisfaction.

Mac:
You want him to bang you?

Charlie Kelly:
Mac, be serious. He slandered me in front of a jury of my own peers. Look what they used to do when that sort of thing happened [shows gang history book] . Take a look at this picture. What do you see?

Mac:
I see two trannies shooting at each other.

Charlie Kelly:
No, dude. They're dueling, okay? These are lawyers settling an argument by dueling it out.

Dennis Reynolds:
How do you know that the two trannies are lawyers?

Charlie Kelly:
[slams book, looking at Frank] Because it's an old book, okay? I don't need to explain everything to you about what I know. I'm trying to... get satisfied... From this dude... and you're trying to...

Charlie Kelly:
[giving up and leaving] I'm getting satisfied.

Mac:
Your mom and dad aren't at work. That's probably why they lost the house. They're probably at the track getting wasted.

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm Hugh Honey and this is my partner, Vic Vinegar. We're partners in real estate and we're partners in life.

Dennis Reynolds:
Yes, we could stave the husbands skull in. We could take the wife down to the basement and have a frenzied free for all. We could tie the little kids up in their rooms...

Mac:
Oh no, we'd have to kill the kids cause they've seen our faces.

Dennis Reynolds:
Right, we could smear the walls with their blood. There's any number of scenarios we could engage in. But let's just go get the deed.

Dee Reynolds:
[at the pool for a family she's agreed to be a surrogate mother for] Hey guys, watch me do this sweet jack knife! [Dives into the pool landing belly first with a loud smack]

Tad:
Oh! Oh god, are you okay!

Dee Reynolds:
[spitting out water and gasping for breath] Man I really biffed that one. Thank god there wasn't a baby in there.

Tad:
You biffed it?

Dennis Reynolds:
[Pretending he and Mac are a gay couple] I'm the breadwinner and he's my trophy husband.

Mac:
That's right, he's my bottom.

Dennis Reynolds:
Well... I'm a power bottom because I provide most of the power.

Frank Reynolds:
Is that why you pushed me off on to the snail?

Mac:
Yeah that's right b*tch

Frank Reynolds:
Well look b*tch we brought it from them because they foreclosed on your b*tch ass!

Mac:
It doesn't matter we shouldn't bash these people up

Dennis Reynolds:
No, no of course we shouldn't bash these people up. Look, okay. Absolutely we could cave the husbands scull in here. Yes we could take the wife in the basement have a frenzy free for all with her. We could tie the kids up in their little rooms up stairs so they wouldn't hear none of it.

Mac:
We'll have to kill the kids because they would've seen our faces.

Dennis Reynolds:
Right, right we could smear the walls with their blood. Guys there are a number of twisted scenerios that could play out here but I think really is just to get the deed.

Charlie Kelly:
Right, why get weird?

Mac:
We're the wealthy homosexual couple that she promised her womb too.

Mac:
[Poking a dead elderly man with a pool cue] That b*tch is dead.

Dee Reynolds:
[upon finding someone slumped over in a booth] Who's this?

Mac:
I don't know. I've never seen him before.

Dee Reynolds:
Well, can you get him out of here? He stinks.

Mac:
[walking over to the man] Hey, let's go. Oh my Je... oh my god! He sh*t his pants, Dee. Dee, he sh*t his pants.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, I don't want to know that.

Mac:
[Mac groans and grabs a pool stick] I'm gonna poke him with this. Get up old man. This isn't the American Legion. Wake up! Yo!

Dee Reynolds:
What's the matter?

Mac:
He won't wake up.

Dee Reynolds:
Well, poke him harder in his ribs.

Mac:
[continuing to poke the man] Wake up old man. Wake up!

[the man falls over to his side]

Mac:
Holy sh*t. That b*tch is dead.

Charlie Kelly:
[Sweet Dee asking Charlie to go with her to a nursing home] I'll tell you what. I'll go with you, but you have to let me borrow your car any time I want.

Sweet Dee:
No

Charlie Kelly:
Every now and then...

Sweet Dee:
No

Charlie Kelly:
One time...

Sweet Dee:
All right.

Charlie Kelly:
And, you have to take me to lunch twice a week for a year.

Sweet Dee:
No, I don't.

Charlie Kelly:
Once a week...

Sweet Dee:
Nuh-uh.

Charlie Kelly:
Today.

Sweet Dee:
OK.

Curator:
[after being shown the Nazi officers jacket] I find this offensive for so many reasons!

Mac:
So, how much would you pay for it?

Curator:
Nothing.

Mac:
Nothing, or...?

Curator:
Nothing. In fact, as soon as you leave, I'm going to call the police!

Charlie Kelly:
[wearing garbage bag and rubber gloves] I'm sorry for your loss.

Dennis Reynolds:
[speaking at Lionel Keane's funeral] Last Christmas, I was over Lionel's house, making him dinner, and we got to talking about the spirit of giving. And I said, 'Lionel, instead of just talking about the spirit of giving, why don't we put it into action?' He said, 'That's a great idea, Dennis.' So we went down to the mission and fed every man, woman, and child that walked in that night and washed the feet of every poor, wretched soul.

Mac:
Wake up, old man... wake up! [Mac pokes the old man with a pool stick and he slumps over in the booth] Holy sh*t... that b*tch is dead.

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, you are being ridiculous. He's a professional football player.

Mac:
No, look, I'm not talking about killing the guy. I'm just talking about going up there with a group of dudes and intimidate him, maybe break his arm

Dee Reynolds:
You can't break Tom Brady's arm

Mac:
Oh yes, I can! No more Super Bowls for that pretty boy

Charlie Kelly:
You know there was a time where I'd help you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son. But that's gone now 'cause you ruined it. You threw your babies away. And you threw your swords away. You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats! And ya know what? I found 'em. And I'm gonna raise all of them!

Charlie Kelly:
Dude, you could totally chop a camel in its hump and drink all its milk off the... off the tip of this thing, man!

Tanning Salon Employee:
Let me get this straight. You want to put your baby into a tanning bed.

Mac:
That's correct.

Tanning Salon Employee:
I'm sorry, that's against the law.

Mac:
Look pal, we are well aware of the law, ok? We don't want to jam you up here, we just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.

Dennis Reynolds:
Just to get a base...

Mac:
Just to get a base.

Dee Reynolds:
[reading from note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar, night or day... sometime.

Dee Reynolds, Mac:
[together] Charlie!

Mac:
There are parental roles that need to be filled here, right? Otherwise this kid roams the streets, having unprotected sex, with multiple partners, sharing needles and contracting the HIV virus, and its all your fault. Are you happy Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full-blown A.I.D.S.

Frank Reynolds:
What the hell is that?

Mac:
It's a baby we found in the dumpster.

Frank Reynolds:
Well put it back, it's not yours.

Charlie Kelly:
You could chop an camel right in the hump and drink all of its milk right off the tip of this thing.

Charlie's Mom:
I had an abortion, but it just didn't take.

Charlie Kelly:
What does that mean?

Charlie's Mom:
You survived it. You survived the abortion

Charlie Kelly:
[written in note] Taked baby. Meet at later bar night or day, sometime.

Charlie Kelly:
You know there was a time where I would've helped you raise this little dumpster baby brother of mine like a son, but that's gone now 'cause you ruined it! You threw your babies away! And you threw your swords away! You threw your golf clubs and your tasty treats. And you know what? I found them. And I'm gonna raise all of them!

Mac:
See whats happening here? Do you see this? Family values in this country are going down the toilet and it's because of people like you. Men and women, raising a child together is a proven system a thousand years old. There are parental roles that need to be filled here right? Otherwise the child ends up roaming the streets, having unprotected sex with MULTIPLE partners, sharing needles and contracting the HIV virus and it's all your fault. Are you happy Dee? Is this what you wanted? You just gave this baby full blow AIDS!

Mac:
We just want to put him in there for a couple of minutes.

Dee Reynolds:
Just to get a base.

Mac:
[exaggerated] Just to get a base.

Frank Reynolds:
What the hell is that?

Mac:
It's a baby we found in the trash.

Frank Reynolds:
Well, put it back. It doesn't belong to you.

Mac:
Now this is smart, the first thing to becoming American: Get a credit card?

Dennis Reynolds:
Absolutely, we need this guy to build up copius amounts of debt. That's what being an American is all about... we're doin this guy a favor.

Charlie Kelly:
We're doing him a HUGE favor, and do you realize how extreme this is to go from no debt to good ol' fashioned American Debt? Plus, I've been envisioning someone else paying for this thing the entire time!

Charlie Kelly:
GOOD MORNING, JUAREZ FAMILY!

Dee Reynolds:
Get on your knees b*tches!

Liam McPoyle:
We're taking you b*tches hostage.

Frank Reynolds:
There's broken glass everywhere.

Mac:
Broken glass? Oh my god I think you found Charlie's bad room.

Frank Reynolds:
What the hell is that?

Mac:
It's where Charlie goes to think and break bottles, dude you gotta get out of there, he's going to find you.

Frank Reynolds:
When we get out of this, I'm gonna shove my fist right into your ass, hard and fast... Not in the sexual way! In the 'I am pissed off' sort of way.

Charlie Kelly:
Mac, can an a**hole rip in half?

Mac:
Like tissue paper.

Charlie Kelly:
I just want to get black out drunk and relax.

Artemis:
He's been trying to climb through that garbage can for 20 minutes. I'm pretty sure he's on acid.

Frank Reynolds:
Thank God you guys are here. How'd you get in here?

Dennis Reynolds:
What are you talking about?

Frank Reynolds:
I've been stuck in this bathroom for three hours.

Artemis:
I think he pooped in there.

Frank Reynolds:
I'm gonna trip balls.

Middle Aged Guy - Donovan McNabb imposter:
Hey guys. I'm Donovan McNabb. Whoo. I play quarterback for the Philadelphia Eagles. And I'm here to tell you can, too if you start everyday with a hearty breakfast from McDonald's. Uh, like the new Sausage Egg McGriddle Value Meal. Available now for a limited time for under five dollars. Remember, guys real champs eat at McDonald's. I'm lovin' it. Can I get the check?

Charlie Kelly:
Domino, biatch!

Dennis Reynolds:
[alarm goes off, notices someone in bed with him] Hello. [lifts up blanket to see body] Nice. Beautiful. [rolls over onto person]

Boy:
[waking up] Hello, lover.

Dennis Reynolds:
Whoa! What the hell's going on?

Boy:
You've got nothing to be ashamed of.

Dennis Reynolds:
We didn't have sex did we?

Boy:
No, don't be silly, it was all hands.

Large Man in Towel:
[emerges from bathroom] How's that ass feel? [smacks Dennis' ass]

Dee Reynolds:
I had the craziest dream last night that I was in Cleveland, Ohio - which is really weird because I've never been to Ohio. And this guy was wearing a bunny suit, and he was coming out of...

Dennis Reynolds:
[interrupting her] You know what Dee, I don't want to hear about your dream, okay? I hate listening to people's dreams. It's like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them, and nobody's having sex, I just... don't care.

Janell:
Charlie?

Dennis Reynolds:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. What is going on here? You guys know each other?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, yeah. That's the crazy b*tch that punched me in my eye!

Terrell:
Charlie! That's my sister.

Mac:
Now just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...

Terrell:
I mean my sister.

Mac:
Yes! Okay! This is great! Because earlier you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related. And then it turns out that you people actually are!

[everyone grows silent]

Mac:
No, that's not what I meant. Hold on a second. I meant that you two actually are.

Dee Reynolds:
Mac? Stop talking.

Handsome Guy:
You have the most beautiful eyes.

Dennis:
Okay man but I don't... really?

Handsome Guy:
So blue.

Dennis:
Well, actually more of a blue-green.

Charlie Kelly:
Dude, it's not so much that they don't like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Cause you're an a**hole!

Mac:
[to Dee] Is that true?

Sweet Dee:
...Yeah, kinda.

[Dee and Dennis are behind the bar]

Handsome Guy:
No, we're waiting for the cute one.

Sweet Dee:
What cute one?

[the waitress overhears Charlie saying something racist]

Waitress:
Coffee, Hitler? I'll be sure to put lots of cream in that for you.

Charlie Kelly:
No, I'm not Adolf Hitler.

Charlie Kelly:
[winning a game with a bunch of black people] Domino, beeyatch!

Terrell:
Nothing scares gays and black folks like Irish crap.

Mac:
Looking for a new hotspot to spot that stud? Well Paddy's Irish Pub will plug that hole.

Charlie Kelly:
Well thats a good notice.

Mac:
No, that is not a good notice. I don't want to be plugging anyone's holes.

Dennis Reynolds:
I hate listening to people's dreams. It is like flipping through a stack of photographs. If I'm not in any of them and nobody is having sex, I just don't care.

Mac:
[to Sweet Dee and Charlie] Are you two seeing this? [all look over at Dennis]

Dennis Reynolds:
[gayly]... boys are out tonight, huh?

Mac:
This is unbelievable. What the hell is going on here? You got black women crawling all over you, and this Mary over here is the belle of the ball. Why do these people like you guys so much?

Charlie Kelly:
Well dude, it's not that they like us, it's that they don't like you. You know why? Uhh... because you're an a**hole!

Mac:
Look, everybody! Sweet Dee's here!

Dee Reynolds:
Hey everybody!

Charlie Kelly:
Woah woah! What are you doing here?

Janell:
Charlie?

Dennis Reynolds:
Woah woah, what is going on here? You guys know each other?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, that's the crazy b*tch that punched me in my eye!

Terrell:
Charlie! That's my sister!

Mac:
Now just to clarify, when you say sister, you mean...

Terrell:
I mean my sister.

Mac:
Yeah! Okay! This is great because earlier, you were implying that I was racist because you thought that I was implying that all black people are related, and then it turns out that you people actually are!

Dee Reynolds:
What's going on with Mac and Charlie?

Dennis Reynolds:
It's... I can't get them to stay focused. They keep escalating the conversation into evil curses and opening leather shops in Arizona.

Dee Reynolds:
A leather shop, in Arizona?

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah.

Dee Reynolds:
They'd be out of business in a weeks time.

Dennis Reynolds:
That's exactly what I said.

Dee Reynolds:
He said he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times!

Charlie Kelly:
Absolutely, I hear you! We're saying we're gonna do the drugs and then we're gonna try and fix all the lights...

Dennis Reynolds:
Thats asinine!

Charlie Kelly:
Oh, you know, I told you. I asked for more money.

Dee Reynolds:
What?

Charlie Kelly:
Yes, I did!

Dee Reynolds:
No, you didn't!

Charlie Kelly:
I was using dead presidents as a cover. You didn't get that?

Dee Reynolds:
He said to the man, he wanted many, many thousands of green people from history times.

Mac:
[after being threatened by the mob] To be honest fellas we're about six beers deep here so you're gonna have to be a little clearer.

Charlie Kelly:
It's a one-time flip. We'll go to your - that shady guy, Bingo, that you know. We'll say, "Here's a pile of drugs. Give us some money." And then...

Frank Reynolds:
Uh-huh. Oh, no, no, no. You don't go to Bingo. Bingo is my contact.

Lefty:
Friday is the day that we may or may not be forced to chop your limbs off and distribute them evenly amongst your friends and your family.

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh my God, we are so screwed. How are we going to get $25,000 by Friday?

Frank Reynolds:
Don't look at me. You made this bed; you're sleeping in it. This is a life lesson for you.

Dennis Reynolds:
Frank, this is not the time to be throwing down life lessons, alright? We are going to get whacked off by a bunch of scary Italian guys.

Charlie Kelly:
Did they say they were going to whack us off?

Dennis Reynolds:
They implied they wanted to whack us all off!

Dee Reynolds:
Nobody's gonna get whacked off today, okay? Listen: we're gonna take the money, we'll go get our drugs back from Bingo, we'll give it to the mob, and we'll pretend none of this ever happened.

Charlie Kelly:
Hey, Bingo. Frank sent us.

Bingo:
Frank, huh? I'm gonna skin that son of a b*tch and wear his face.

Dee Reynolds:
[Drops a whole shitload of OxyContin on the pool table] Boom.

Frank Reynolds:
What am I supposed to do with that?

Mac:
You tell us.

Charlie Kelly:
Bingo told us you know how to sell those drugs.

Frank Reynolds:
I told you not to involve me in that! Did you mention my name?

Dennis Reynolds:
First thing we did.

Dee Reynolds:
You gonna harp on it all day?

Frank Reynolds:
God damn it! The guy's gonna skin me alive.

Charlie Kelly:
He is gonna skin you alive.

Dee Reynolds:
Yeah, he mentioned something about it.

Dennis Reynolds:
Will you just pay the mob off so we don't have to sell these pills?

Frank Reynolds:
Dennis, I am not using any more of my money!

Dennis Reynolds:
The mob is gonna kill us, man!

Frank Reynolds:
Look, if I cave on this, I'm gonna be bailing you guys out for the rest of my life. I'm putting my foot down on this one. You b*tches gotta earn your own money!

Mac:
Frank, you are gonna get us into that country club you used to belong to and we're gonna sell the pills there.

Dennis Reynolds:
That'd be a good place to sell those pills.

Mac:
Yes, thank you very much.

Frank Reynolds:
You can't make no $25,000 from that amount of pills. How long you got?

Mac:
'til Friday.

Frank Reynolds:
Mm-mmm. You're gonna have to turn a trick or two; go into prostitution.

Dee Reynolds:
You are disgusting! How could you suggest - I am absolutely not doing that!

Frank Reynolds:
I wasn't talking about you. Guys at those country clubs get hotter broads than you.

Dennis Reynolds:
I would think, yeah.

Mac:
Yeah.

Frank Reynolds:
I was saying the male escort is really hard to come by.

Charlie Kelly:
I'm picking up what you're putting down. I'll do it.

Frank Reynolds:
Eh, Charlie, you're not quite cut from the right cloth.

Mac:
Okay. Make it me.

Frank Reynolds:
Mac, you're too low class. All those women are gonna thing they're gonna catch somethin' from you.

Mac:
They are.

Dennis Reynolds:
They will.

Frank Reynolds:
I was thinking about Dennis.

Dennis Reynolds:
Right. Now, Frank, will any of these women be attractive in any way?

Frank Reynolds:
Probably not.

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm not gonna be a whore, Frank!

Frank Reynolds:
You're already a whore. Why not make some money at it?

Dennis Reynolds:
You're just gonna try and make me bang old ladies, then you're gonna have me move on to dudes.

Charlie Kelly:
I'm asking hypothetical questions here, come on.

Dee Reynolds:
I'm sorry! I'm a little bit preoccupied with being worried about being killed by the mob because a homeless priest ran off with all of our drugs!

Frank Reynolds:
Your "Jane" is sitting over there.

Dennis Reynolds:
Aw, you gotta be kid - Her? Dude; she's, like, a hundred years old.

Frank Reynolds:
68 tops.

Dennis Reynolds:
That's still extremely old. I'm not kissing that.

Frank Reynolds:
Nah, you don't have to kiss her. We can make that one of your rules.

Dennis Reynolds:
This time, nothing with the ass, 'cause that got really weird last time, alright?

Frank Reynolds:
What are you talkin' about?

Dennis Reynolds:
You didn't set up that ass play on the last one?

Frank Reynolds:
No, I never set up any ass play.

Dennis Reynolds:
Alright. Well, I wanna set up a doctor's appointment anyway, just to be safe.

Frank Reynolds:
Alright. Do that.

Dennis Reynolds:
Where am I having dinner tonight, Frank? I'm kind of in the mood for Asian fusion.

Frank Reynolds:
No more dinners. We're going straight to bangin' from now on. Check this out. [Shows Dennis his newspaper ad]

Dennis Reynolds:
Jesus Christ, man.

Frank Reynolds:
What, you got a problem?

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah. This makes me seem like a whore.

Frank Reynolds:
You are a whore.

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm not a whore, I'm a handsome companion who goes to nice dinners with fancy women, and who has rules about what he'll do. I mean, what happened to the rules, Frank?

Frank Reynolds:
You can still have your rules.

Dennis Reynolds:
It says right here - "No rules!"

Frank Reynolds:
Don't be so uptight.

Dennis Reynolds:
You know what? I'm walking from this - [Frank slaps him] What the hell, dude?

Frank Reynolds:
I'm knocking some sense into you, Dennis. This is all you got. [He slaps Dennis again]

Dennis Reynolds:
Dude, why do you keep hitting me?

Frank Reynolds:
Don't talk back to me!

Dennis Reynolds:
Okay. Sorry.

Frank Reynolds:
Look, I'm gonna get you out of this. It's you and me against the world. I'm not gonna let anything bad happen to you.

Dennis Reynolds:
You promise?

Frank Reynolds:
I promise. And hey, I don't wanna hit you, baby, so please don't make me, okay? You're my one and only. You gotta do right by me, okay?

Dennis Reynolds:
Okay.

Frank Reynolds:
You like ass play? He'll do anything with the ass.

Mac:
Frank, he cannot bang this woman. It's the mob boss's wife.

Frank Reynolds:
Oh, what do you think she's gonna do, call her husband and say she's bangin' a whore? Dennis, up those stairs!

Mac:
Frank, put the gun away.

Frank Reynolds:
Oh, no! I'm goin' out, I'm goin' guns blazin'.

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah... I'm not an alcoholic actually... Yeah... I'm only here because I got a little drunk and I threw a flaming bag of feces into a building and I kind of burnt it down a little bit, you know but I wasn't trying to burn it down I was trying to make the place smell really bad and get rid of this guy... this guy knows what I'm talking about.

Dennis Reynolds:
Terrible, take a lap

[Flip Flop Kid runs up to Dennis with a soda in his hand]

Dennis Reynolds:
What the hell is that?

Flip Flop Kid:
I don't know.

Dennis Reynolds:
It's diet.

Flip Flop Kid:
Oh.

Dennis Reynolds:
Does it look like I need to be on a diet?

Flip Flop Kid:
I don't know.

Dennis Reynolds:
Terrible. Take a lap.

Waitress:
I wrote down my phone number. Please. Please, Charlie. Please don't make me regret giving this to you.

Charlie Kelly:
No, absolute... absolutely not. No, this will be a platonic sponsor-sponsoree kind of thing.

[waitress gives Charlie her phone number]

Charlie Kelly:
[upon reading it, muttering to himself] Oh. No sh*t! I was so close.

Frank Reynolds:
Hey, what's the action?

Dennis Reynolds:
Oh, Jesus Christ! Are you gonna keep saying that? Is that like your catch phrase now?

Dennis Reynolds:
Flop, come here for a second.

[Dennis gives him a pair of boots]

Dennis Reynolds:
All right, these are for you. And there's a steel toe in there. Don't be afraid to use it.

Flip Flop Kid:
Thanks dad!

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm not your dad.

Frank Reynolds:
Asians love gambling.

Dennis Reynolds:
We're caring people that's out nature

Tabitha:
Um what is Frank struggling with the most right now?

Dee Reynolds:
Ooh he is trying to bang our aunt

Dennis Reynolds:
That's the big one

Tabitha:
these things deal more with drugs and alchohol abuse

Dennis Reynolds:
Drugs and alcohol are rolled into what we're talking about here

Tabitha:
so he does have a drinking problem

Charlie Kelly:
Oh Big time!

Dee Reynolds:
Oh lady [sips from her can of wine]

Dee Reynolds:
So how do we go about doing this? We ambush him, and just sorta and just barate him into being the guy we wanna be around?

Tabitha:
No, you certainly don't barate him. He needs to know your coming from of love and concern.

Dennis Reynolds:
[Shakes his head] To soft, we should come out with an iron fist and crush him to submission

Charlie Kelly:
And if we're taking that approch you might want to be armed at this intervention.

Tabitha:
Why would I need to be armed?

Charlie Kelly:
Well Frank is usally carrying around a little gun and he really doesn't hesitate to use it.

Dennis Reynolds:
And you know what? Have the gunb out and ready to rock

Dee Reynolds:
[Nods] It's just safer.

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah,we'll all have guns

Charlie Kelly:
You know what if we just kind of ambush Frank with some kind of net or some kind of rope device the gun would maybe drop out of his waist.

Dee Reynolds:
You want to bring him in a net.

Dennis Reynolds:
That could get awkward. I say bring the gun.

Dee Reynolds:
Bring the gun

Charlie Kelly:
[Shakes head] I don't want to get shot, so just bring the gun.

Dee Reynolds:
I'm assuming you wouldn't lured him down by a fire. Is that - is that what your face is doing?

Tabitha:
And I wouldn't have an intervention at a bar.

Charlie Kelly:
Why do we never play 'nightcrawlers' anymore huh?

Dee Reynolds:
What is "Night Crawlers?"

Dennis Reynolds:
It's a game where they crawl around in the night like worms.

Charlie Kelly:
I never said that.

Frank Reynolds:
Yeah, well that's what it is.

Charlie Kelly:
Ok, I'll tell you what. Let's throw a flaming bag of poop through their window.

Mac:
What? Why?

Charlie Kelly:
They stamp it out, get poop all over their shoes.

Mac:
What in the hell is that going to accomplish?

Charlie Kelly:
Poop on their shoes. Their shoes, dude.

Mac:
Are you retarded? Are you a retarded person?

Charlie Kelly:
Poop on the shoes, man!

Mrs. Reynolds:
Jesus Christ, Frank. This place is a sh*t hole! Is this how you've been living?

Frank Reynolds:
We make it work. Whad do you want?

Mrs. Reynolds:
I want to talk.

Frank Reynolds:
I tried to talk to you weeks ago. You went on vacation.

Mrs. Reynolds:
I was trying to scare some sense into you. You were talking about giving away all of our money.

Frank Reynolds:
My money. I made it, you spent it.

Charlie Kelly:
Burn. There you go, buddy.

[Charlie slaps Frank's hand]

Mrs. Reynolds:
How can you say that to me? After everything I've done for you. While you were out making money, who do you think was at home cooking and cleaning and raising your children?

Frank Reynolds:
A series of Mexican women.

Charlie Kelly:
A series... unbelievable, dude. You're on fire.

[Charlie slaps Frank's hand]

Mrs. Reynolds:
You can choose to live like an animal if you want to, but I refuse to be subjected to it. I want my sh*t back. You took my sh*t from our home and I want it back.

Frank Reynolds:
Well, I didn't take anything.

Mrs. Reynolds:
It's empty. Someone came in and took everything.

Frank Reynolds:
Maybe you should have somebody deported like you used to in the old days.

Charlie Kelly:
Beautiful.

[Charlie slaps Frank's hand, and in return is slapped in the face by Barbara]

Mrs. Reynolds:
I can't even talk to you anymore. Standing up for yourself. Standing up for immigrants! I don't know what you're turning into Frank, but it's making me sick!

Dee Reynolds:
I haven't seen you for a month, and I'm standing here in a neck brace. Are you gonna ask me how I'm doing... or what happened... or...

Mrs. Reynolds:
I assume you did something stupid.

Dee Reynolds:
Dennis ran me over with his car!

Mrs. Reynolds:
There you go again! Don't you think it's about time you start taking responsibility for your actions?

Dee Reynolds:
I...

Mrs. Reynolds:
[interrupting her] I want my possessions returned.

[Barbara feeds her dog some food from a plate]

Dee Reynolds:
I was eating that, mother!

Mrs. Reynolds:
I've been running around. I haven't had time to feed the dog. Could you stop thinking about yourself for once? And besides, you don't need it, sweetie.

[Dee gasps, squeals, and storms off]

Mrs. Reynolds:
Well that's attractive. Maybe if you took a bit more pride in your appearance you could find a man, and then you wouldn've have to steal from your mother. I mean, look at your skin, Deandra. Christ, there is a sun in Philadelphia.

Dee Reynolds:
[to Frank] Why can't you die and leave us your money like normal parents of America?

Mac:
Whoa! What's that? You were supposed to get booze!

Frank Reynolds:
This is Ham... *soaked* in Rum. It's Loaded with booze.

Mac:
Goddamn it Frank, eating your drinks? That is genius!

Frank Reynolds:
Hey, warm sun, cool ocean breezes, getting rip sh*t on ham.

Mac:
Wouldn't you say we're getting... Hammered?

Mac:
I gave him an ocular pat down.

Mac:
[Dee throws a jar full of piss out the car window, splashing a sleeping Mac] Is this piss? IS THIS PISS?

Dee Reynolds:
[after hearing that a young hitch hiker they've picked up is running away from home to go to Hollywood] Oh no... You're gonna end up doing gay porno with this little body of yours.

Charlie Kelly:
I eat stickers all the time, dude!

Dennis Reynolds:
[after putting a beer bottle under the back of the moving truck door] Now, the weight of the door will keep the beer bottle in place.

Frank Reynolds:
Good.

Dennis Reynolds:
Nice, huh?

Frank Reynolds:
Move over a little bit, let me sit on the cooler.

Frank Reynolds:
[the truck hits a bump, causing the beer bottle to come off] Goddammit!

Mac:
[Handing Charlie a pear] Chomp into it.

Charlie Kelly:
Just bite it?

Mac:
Yeah.

Charlie Kelly:
Okay.

Mac:
Like a piece of fruit, you would bite into it...

Charlie Kelly:
[Charlie bites pear] Agh! Tastes like sand.

Mac:
Like sand? Oh, that-that pear's not ripe, dude.

Charlie Kelly:
Ah.

Mac:
He burned us. Gypsy son of a b*tch burned us! Excuse me, sir? What are you doing to my friend, Bozo? You burned us. It's dry.

Fruit Vendor:
You picked it out.

Mac:
Well, let's not get into a whole who picked out what. It's... I want my 35 cents back. Charlie, give him the pear.

Charlie Kelly:
I can't, I just ate it.

Mac:
The whole thing?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah. It was pretty gross and I...

Mac:
The stem and-and the core?

Charlie Kelly:
You didn't tell me not to eat the stem, dude!

Mac:
Did you eat the stickers that are all over it?

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, it was gross!

Mac:
Of course it's gross... it's a sticker, bro!

Charlie Kelly:
I eat stickers all the time, dude!

Mac:
Oh my god! This whole thing is a disaster. I'm going back to the car.

Frank Reynolds:
[Playing a drinking game to name all fifty states with Mac and Dee] Jesus Christ! You guys are gonna be hammered by the time I finish naming the east coast!

Charlie Kelly:
[after informing a rival bar that the gang poisoned them 10 year ago to win a flip cup tournament] Check it out... Who's to say we didn't put that very same poison in the drinking water?

Mac:
[Customers begin spitting out water] Everybody relax. He's lying. He doesn't have any poison.

Charlie Kelly:
No, I don't have any on me. But, I do keep some in my fridge at home in the relish jar.

Frank Reynolds:
There's poison in that jar? I thought I was allergic to pickles. [pause] What's in the jar with the skull and crossbones?

Charlie Kelly:
Well, that's mayonnaise. That's a decoy.

Frank Reynolds:
And the mayo?

Charlie Kelly:
That's shampoo.

Frank Reynolds:
You're telling me I've been putting shampoo on my sandwiches?

Charlie Kelly:
If you're using the mayonnaise, yeah... probably.

Frank Reynolds:
There's nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who's smart and attractive; we have to pretend you're both!

Sweet Dee:
Wow, you're a horrible father.

Charlie Kelly:
You got that script I wrote? Grab that script.

Dennis:
I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.

Charlie Kelly:
It's good.

Dennis:
I think you might be dyslexic bro. I'm not reading this.

Charlie Kelly:
No, no, no, no!

Dennis:
I think you might be dyslexic.

Charlie Kelly:
Just read it once!

Dennis:
Ok... you want me to read the script?

Charlie Kelly:
Yes... and action!

Dennis:
I'll read the words you wrote. "Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you, thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. What? Taxes, they'll be lower... son. The Democratic vote is the right thing to do Philadelphia, so do." This doesn't make any sense!

Charlie Kelly:
Alright... then just say whatever you want.

Dennis Reynolds:
Hello, fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power. Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot. What? Taxes. They'll be lower, son. The democratic vote for me is the right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.

Charlie Kelly:
You got the script that I wrote? Grab the script.

Dennis Reynolds:
I've been meaning to speak to you about this. I can't read these words. They're not in the right order.

Charlie Kelly:
It's good.

Dennis Reynolds:
I think you might be dyslexic, bro. I'm not reading this.

Charlie Kelly:
No, no. Please. Read it.

Dennis Reynolds:
I think you might be dyslexic.

Charlie Kelly:
Read the script once.

Dennis Reynolds:
Okay. You want me to read the script?

Charlie Kelly:
Yes.

Dennis Reynolds:
All right.

Charlie Kelly:
[setting up his video camera] And action!

Dennis Reynolds:
I'll read the words you wrote: Hellow, fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power! Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I am hot? What? Taxes. They'll be lower... son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia. So do.

[Dennis rips up Charlie's script]

Dennis Reynolds:
[whining] This doesn't make any sense!

Charlie Kelly:
That's politics, b*tch!

Frank Reynolds:
This is a brilliant idea, hobovertising! Come on it looks good, beer 'em

Frank Reynolds:
You look like a dick in that tiny jacket!

Frank Reynolds:
Now, Daddy hates to say this, but I think we need to talk about the breasts.

Frank Reynolds:
A woman in politics is like a donkey doing calculus.

Dee Reynolds:
There are plenty of good women politicians.

Frank Reynolds:
Name one.

Dee Reynolds:
Um, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton

Frank Reynolds:
Awful!

Dee Reynolds:
How is she awful?

Frank Reynolds:
Hates freedom.

Dee Reynolds:
[discussing high taxes] Why don't you try voting for once?

Mac:
And what? Vote for the democrat who's going to blast me in the ass? Or the republican who's going to blast my ass? Either way, politics is all one big ass blasting.

[Charlie and Frank are looking at Garbage Pail Kids cards]

Sweet Dee:
Are those the stupid cards where babies are doing disgusting things?

Charlie Kelly:
No, Dee. These are those amazing cards where babies are doing hysterical things.

Dennis Reynolds:
[Reading the campaign speech Charlie wrote] Hello fellow American. This you should vote me. I leave power good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me I'm hot. What? Taxes they'll be lower son. The democratic vote for me is right thing to do Philadelphia. So do.

Charlie Kelly:
Hello, fellow American. This, you should vote me! I leave power! Good. Thank you. Thank you. If you vote me, I'm hot. Taxes! They'll be lower! Sun. The Democratic vote for me is right thing to do, Philadelphia, so do.

Frank Reynolds:
There is nothing more threatening to a man than a woman who is smart and attractive. We have to pretend you're both!

Dee Reynolds:
Wow, you're a horrible father.

Mac:
I am not a failure!

Mac:
Dennis, what is it that you call it when somebody tries to do something but doesn't succeed?

Dennis Reynolds:
Uh, that would in fact be a failure.

Mac:
No, no, no! Gangsters don't sing!

Frank Reynolds:
What are you talking about? You ever hear of gangsta rap?

Dee Reynolds:
[to Dennis] Well, while you've been picking up bar whores, I've been double-dropping like a bastard out there.

Waitress:
Oh my God, you're double-dropping again, Dee?

Dee Reynolds:
Oh, I never stopped double-dropping.

Waitress:
Wow, why are you so sweaty.

Charlie Kelly:
It's really hot in here.

Waitress:
It's not hot, it's freezing.

Charlie Kelly:
It's freezing isn't is? They are blazing that AC.

Frank Reynolds:
You don't look like a gay guy.

Dennis Reynolds:
That's because he's a bear.

Mac:
What?

Dennis Reynolds:
He's a bear. You see, some gay guys are twinks and other are bears. This gay guy's a bear. By the way, we are totally cool with that. To each his own.

Frank Reynolds:
Wait, I'm a little confused here. What's a twink?

Dennis Reynolds:
A twink is small and slender, like mac.

Mac:
Oh, no, I'm too muscular. I would be a bear.

Dennis Reynolds:
Uh, don't think so, bro. Not hairy enough.

Frank Reynolds:
Smooth. Now, I would be a bear.

Dennis Reynolds:
No, no. See, I don't think you'd be a bear either. As a matter of fact, I don't know what you'd be. You're definitely not a twink.

Frank Reynolds:
I'd be a top, that's for sure.

Mac:
Can a twink be a top or is that reserved for bears?

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm sure there's a great deal of switching back and forth but I think more often then not bears are tops, unless they happen to be power bottoms.

Frank Reynolds:
What's a power bottom?

Mac:
A power bottom is a bottom that is capable of receiving an enormous amount of power.

Dennis Reynolds:
Actually Mac, you've got it backwards. You see, the power bottom is actually generating the power by doing most of the work.

Frank Reynolds:
Does power have to do with size or strength of the bottom?

Mac:
Now Dennis, I heard speed has something to do with it.

Dennis Reynolds:
Speed has everything to do with it! You see, the speed of the bottom informs the top how much pressure he's supposed to apply. Speed's the name of the game.

Charlie Kelly:
Why don't I strap on my job helmet and squeeze down into a job cannon and fire off into Jobland where jobs grow on jobbies.

Mac:
We're getting plowed in the ass by the oil companies and the gas companies. With their 10-gallon hats and their rotten ass-plowing hearts.

Frank Reynolds:
What do you see?

Dee Reynolds:
I can't see sh*t! Why did you tint the inside of the windows?

Dennis Reynolds:
[trying to persuade a bank teller to give them a loan] Why don't we go in the back and change your mind?

Charlie Kelly:
How about we all go in the back and have great sex?

Dennis Reynolds:
[to Charlie] Alright buddy now explain to me how exactly we are going to calculate the totals?

Charlie Kelly:
Oh its easy dude. You pour gas into the car using one of these funnels, right. And I count how much gas is going into the car.

Dennis Reynolds:
Alright, let me, let me just stop you right there. How exactly are you planning on COUNTING a liquid?

Charlie Kelly:
Uhh, I know how to count dude, I'm not...

Dennis Reynolds:
[to Mac] Okay, You do it. you do it Mac, because I can'tspeak to him. I don't understand him.

Mac:
[panicking] Guys, why aren't the brakes working?

Charlie Kelly:
Because I cut the brakes! Wildcard, b*tches! Yeeee-ha!

[Jumps out of truck]

Mac:
You know what Charlie, you shouldn't be making these decisions anyway, okay? You're not the decision making type. As the brains of this organization, I should have made this decision.

Dennis Reynolds:
Hey, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry. Since when did you become the brains?

Mac:
Uhh... I'm sorry. I've always been the brains.

Dennis Reynolds:
What? What are you talking about? I thought I was the brains. What the hell am I?

Mac:
You're the looks.

Dennis Reynolds:
Well, yeah, of course I'm the looks, but I always thought of myself as the brains and the looks.

Mac:
No, you're the looks, I'm the brains, and Charlie is the wildcard.

Charlie Kelly:
Whoa! That's awesome.

Mac:
Yeah! Yeah, that's the classic setup. You know this, no? Look, every great crew in history has followed that basic dynamic, right? Looks, brains, wildcard. Think about it! The A-team did it. Scooby Doo did it. The Ghostbusters did it!

Charlie Kelly:
Oh sh*t!

Charlie Kelly:
Wildcard, b*tches! Yeeeee-haw!

Dennis Reynolds:
How do we know they're North Koreans?

Frank Reynolds:
Because that's the bad Korea.

Charlie Kelly:
Wait, you followed me all the way home?

Sun Li:
[nods]

Charlie Kelly:
So, you saw me eat that Hot Pocket out of the trash?

Sun Li:
[nods]

Charlie Kelly:
You got any... feelings about that?

Sun Li:
[shakes her head no]

Charlie Kelly:
Wow, I like you, come on in.

Charlie Kelly:
That would have been a lot better if I was wearing the duster dude.

Dennis Reynolds:
Common dude it doesn't fit you. It's too big for you.

Charlie Kelly:
That's why it's so awesome on me it's like "Why's that guy in giant jacket? What is he hiding?"

Charlie Kelly:
Ohhhhhhhh sh*t! Look at that door, dude. See that door there? The one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

Dennis Reynolds:
I see a door marked "Private." Is that the door you're talking about?

Charlie Kelly:
Nah, I was talking abou... I didn't say... did you... what did you hear?

Dennis Reynolds:
I heard you say there was a door marked pirate.

Charlie Kelly:
Well are we gonna talk about pirates all day or are we gonna see what's living in there?

Dennis Reynolds:
You're the one that... Jesus Christ man, sh*t.

Sun Li:
[about Dennis] Charlie, he smell like dog fart.

Dee Reynolds:
Those goddamn North Koreans.

Dennis Reynolds:
They are some sneaky bastards.

Charlie Kelly:
Oh, sh*t. Look at that door, dude. You see that door right there, the one marked "Pirate"? You think a pirate lives in there?

Dennis Reynolds:
...I see a door marked "Private". Is that the door you're talking about?

Charlie Kelly:
Hey wait, are you planning to douse my fianc?e with water, exposing her breasts for everyone to see?

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah man, is that cool?

Charlie Kelly:
That's VERY cool.

Dee Reynolds:
[very drunk] Good evening, I need to speak to Mr. Kim please.

Mr. Kim:
I'm Mr. Kim.

Dee Reynolds:
Huh. Alright, Mr. Kim, my name is Rita Fire... s. Hmm, Fires. And I am from the National Health Inspectors, uhh Store and I need to, I need to make sure your secret microbrew is up to code.

Mr. Kim:
Health inspector?

Dee Reynolds:
Oh you bet your ass, Kim.

Dee Reynolds:
[Mr. Kim throws her out the back door] Wait I just wanted your stupid recipe!

Mr. Kim:
You, terrible actress!

Dee Reynolds:
Wait wait wait! Ok, I'll sleep with you.

Mr. Kim:
Your breath smell like vomit.

Frank Reynolds:
I may have started a money fire.

Dennis Reynolds:
That is Hulk Hogan's signature look. Blond chinese hair and skin of a hotdog. It's awesome!

Frank Reynolds:
No! We can't go out like that. Look, if life pushes you down you gotta push back! If you've been dealt a bunch of lemons, you've got to take those lemons and push them down someones throat until they see yellow! And if some punk ass kid humiliates you, you've got to do the only thing thats left to do!

Charlie Kelly:
Zombies... I've seen it once before in a rat, and I see it now in men. Once one gets a taste for its own kind, it can spread through the pack like a wildfire. Mindlessly chomping and biting at their own hinds. Nothing but the taste of flesh on their minds. You know the thing about a rat? It's got lifeless eyes. Black eyes like a doll's eyes. Don't seem to be living at all when it come at ya. Till it bites ya. And then the eyes roll over white. You don't hear nothing but the screaming and the hollering...

Charlie Kelly:
Keep singing b*tch, you're not gonna have a face by the time I'm done with you!

Mac:
But who versus? Who are we doing it versus?

Charlie Kelly:
Come one, come all, to a beautiful show! It's gonna be awesome and... some other stuff. Dee dee dee dee doo dee dee dee doo dee dee doo dee. Heh heh. Some other musical stuff!

Dee Reynolds:
[singing] Sonny boy/little boy/baby boy/I want to touch you boy... Sonny boy/little boy/baby boy/want to make love to you boy...

Frank Reynolds:
[singing] You got to pay the troll toll if you want to get into this boy's hole!

Charlie Kelly:
She also transcribed my work into a format you might consider a little bit more legible.

Dee Reynolds:
Or literate. She added words to it.

Dee Reynolds:
Charlie, don't screw me like this, come on.

Charlie Kelly:
Don't screw you? Oh, I'm sorry, Dee, let me try and remember something. Let's see, was it, did Dee write a musical and come to Charlie with it? No! Charlie wrote a musical and came to Dee with it, and the gang. And the gang likes to screw it up and make it about themselves, and take it away from Charlie, and ruin his hopes and dreams. So let me tell you something, Dee, let me break down a scenario for you. I could cut the song, OK, because I wrote it. I could have Artemis do the song, OK, because you did not write it. Or I could strap on a wig and I could do the song myself. So you tell me, Little Miss All That, what do you want to do? Song or no song?

Dennis Reynolds:
Know what I just realized that I don't care about anything she's saying. But what I do care about is that Charlie might go postal when he finds out about this and kill all of us.

Mac:
Sh*t, we're probably the one's at real risk here.

Dee Reynolds:
Great and in the mean time I'll try to sobatage the wedding by luring Brad away from her.

Dennis Reynolds:
[Empahizes] Yeaaah

Mac:
Dee, save yourself the embarassment.

Charlie Kelly:
I'll tell you what, let me pop a quick 'H' on the box [draws H on box] This way we'll all know it's full of hornets.

Dennis Reynolds:
Do what you have to do.

Mrs. Mac:
This party sucks!

Dee Reynolds:
You suck!

Charlie's Mom:
I need a ride!

Dee Reynolds:
Oh really? Well I ain't giving you sh*t you old b*tch!

Dee Reynolds:
[Reading Mac's letter to Chase Utley] Dear Chase I feel like I can call you chase because you and me are so alike. I'd like to meet you one day, it would be great to have a catch. I know I can't throw as fast as you but I think you'd be impressed with my speed. I love your hair, you run fast. Did you have a good relationship with your father? Me neither. These are all things we can talk about and more. I know you have no been getting my letters because I know you would write back if you did. I hope you write back this time, and we can become good friends. I am sure our relationship would be a real homerun!

Dennis Reynolds:
[Walks in on his friends preparing for the Phillies playing in the World Series] Hey guys what's up?

Dee Reynolds:
How come you aren't wearing your colors?

Dennis Reynolds:
Colors? What are you...? Oh my God, is today the World Series? I totally forgot... oh wait a minute! [Takes off shirt to reveal "Go Phillies" written on his chest] Sporting events are the one time it's socially acceptable to go shirtless in public and I plan to be blasting bare chest the whole time.

Dennis Reynolds:
You're gonna feel cold as sh*t up in those stands!

Dennis Reynolds:
I'm not going to be feeling anything because I plan to be blasted on grain alcohol!

Dee Reynolds:
Did you write a love letter to Chase Utley?

Mac:
In a lot of ways, yes, I do love him, but that is not a love letter in the way that you're thinking of! Okay? There's nothing sexual or...

Dee Reynolds:
Okay sounds good. I'm going to read it.

Mac:
Yeah! Read it!

Dee Reynolds:
"Dear Chase..." Oh, sh*t! There's stickers! My god...

Mac:
Yeah, you gotta jazz it up.

Dee Reynolds:
You sure do.

Charlie Kelly:
This is classic Tammy.

Dennis Reynolds:
What the hell is going on?

Charlie Kelly:
That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because Maureen Kanallen said that she saw Tammy flirting with Walt Timny at a party, but she was only doing it to make Trey jealous because you know, she thought that Trey secretly liked Erin Henebry, but he doesn't like Erin Henebry, it was all a bunch of bull.

Sweet Dee:
[wanders over] What is happening?

Charlie Kelly:
That's Tammy, Trey's ex-girlfriend. This is classic Tammy. Trey broke up with Tammy because -

Mac:
Okay, you know what, Charlie? You gotta stop, honestly.

Sweet Dee:
Where were you when I was in high school?

Trey:
I was eight.

Sweet Dee:
Right... right.

Charlie Kelly:
Remember how great high school was? All those parties, no responsibilities...

Mac:
High school was the best.

Dennis Reynolds:
Do you guys even remember high school? I don't think it happened the way you think.

Mac:
What do you mean?

Dennis Reynolds:
What I mean Mac, is that the only reason you got to hang out with me and the other cool kids is because you sold us all weed. Everybody thought that you were an a**hole.

Mac:
I was popular!

Charlie Kelly:
What are you talking about? Mac was very popular. And I like to think that I was pretty popular myself.

Mac:
You were!

Dennis Reynolds:
No, he was. You were popular like a... like a clown is popular.

Charlie Kelly:
What?

Dennis Reynolds:
Yeah, you made us all laugh, and all the guys knew that you couldn't sleep with their girlfriends.

Mac:
Whatever dude. The only reason you got laid is because you dated freshmen.

Charlie Kelly:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. You've always had that creepy thing with younger girls.

Dennis Reynolds:
I do not.

Charlie Kelly:
You're not in high school anymore, pal. So you better keep it in your pants, because it's kind of creepy.

Dennis Reynolds:
You want to know what's creepy? You guys sniffing glue in your mom's basement, Charlie. That's creepy.

[Mac and Charlie become quiet]

Charlie Kelly:
[after a long pause] Tim Murphy slept with your prom date.

Charlie Kelly:
[interrupting Billy arguing with Sara] Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Give me some eyes! Look at me! Cool your jets!

Billy:
I'm sorry.

Charlie Kelly:
All right, beat it!

[Charlie pushes Billy away]

Charlie Kelly:
[talking to Sara] Are you okay?

Sara:
He's such a player.

Charlie Kelly:
Is he a player?

Sara:
Big time.

Charlie Kelly:
I hate players. All right, I'm sorry. I'm getting fired up here.

[Charlie walks away with Mac]

Mac:
Charlie, that was the coolest thing you've ever done!

Charlie Kelly:
I know. I'm gonna be sick.

Mac:
These kids are wasted, bro. I thought we were cutting them off?

Dennis Reynolds:
I am cutting them off, these kids havent had more than three drinks each. Plus, theres so much water in them, they're probably more hydrated than they ever have been in there entire lives.

Mac:
I'm telling you, this is the wrong kind of glue Charlie. This is made for, like, Kindergarteners. Look; "Non-toxic and safe," we don't want safe, we want toxic.

Dee Reynolds:
Trey asked me to prom last night. This is getting really weird.

Charlie Kelly:
That girl Sarah asked me too.

Dee Reynolds:
Are you kidding?

Mac:
What? We can't go to the prom, thats pathetic.

Charlie Kelly:
What do you mean "we"? Who asked you?

Charlie Kelly:
Look how much fun they're having, man.

Mac:
Of course they are, they haven't realized how much life sucks yet.

Artemis:
[to Charlie] Hey. I'm insanely high on mescaline.

Artemis:
Its time to take off my bra and blast my nips.

Artemis:
My names Artemis, and i have a bleached a**hole.

Dee Reynolds:
If we're going to be meeting sophisticated men, we need to start acting with class, we cannot be telling people that we have bleached a**holes.

Artemis:
He was gonna find out anyways...

Dee Reynolds:
That's Artemis, she the sassy one of our group that always plays by her own rules.

Artemis:
These guys are playing hard to get, I'm going to take off my bra and blast them my nips

Dee Reynolds:
[the Waitress is drunk out of her mind] Maybe you should learn to hold your booze a little better.

Waitress:
Maybe you should hold your b*obs a little better.

Frank Reynolds:
Because poop is funny!

Dee Reynolds:
You're not going to go out with me tonight because these idiots found two poopies in a bed?