Kitchen Confidential

Jack Bourdain:
Recipe for failure: take one part natural talent, two parts stellar education, mix with easy success and a generous helping of booze, drugs, and women, and immediately set on fire.

Steven Daedelus:
Look at this veal! This veal is gorgeous! If I were another veal, I'd be making love to this veal!

Jack Bourdain:
Tell me you didn't put the veal down your pants.

Steven Daedelus:
So what if I did?

Steven Daedelus:
"Jiminy?" Should I haze him to the point of tears or beyond?

Jack Bourdain:
Surprise me.

Jack Bourdain:
Okay everybody, listen up! I am Jack Bourdain, I'm your new head chef, and this is Greg! Greg, this handsome devil, is a Patagonian toothfish, commonly known as a sea bass. And when combined with garlic and shallots, will become our delicious fish special for this evening.

Tanya:
Hello, Greg.

Jack Bourdain:
Tanya, let's talk. Let me start by saying you're very sweet and stylish. One might say that you... you put the "ho" in "hostess."

Tanya:
Why, thank you!

Tyrone:
He's leaving? Who's going to cover his shift?

Suze:
Paco.

Paco:
Fuego! Fuego! Fuego!

Tyrone:
Paco keeps bursting into flames!

Steven Daedelus:
[whispered at pretty girl in a bar] Please shag our friend.

Jack Bourdain:
Jim, go to your idiot hole.

Seth Richman:
[unveiling his new desert meant to kill Gerard] Eight thousand calories, all of them from *fat*!

Jack Bourdain:
Attaboy!

Jack Bourdain:
Let go of it Tyrone, I swear to god I'm gonna fork you.

Mrs. Roberts:
For the third time, you cannot use your credit card to pay your credit card bill.

Steven Daedelus:
This place is awesome.

Jack Bourdain:
Right.

Steven Daedelus:
It's like where food and money come to have sex!

Jack Bourdain:
Which is why I thought of you first.

Steven Daedelus:
This is where food and money come to have sex!

Michel:
So, you have taken my baker?

Jack Bourdain:
I have taken your baker. I am a baker taker!

Michel:
And you don't think it was a little bit excessive?

Jack Bourdain:
EXCESSIVE? Uh, you raided my menu.

Michel:
Why are you so threatened by me, eh? Is it because maybe you see in me what you hate in yourself?

Jack Bourdain:
Oh, no I don't have an annoying, filthy Frenchman in me.

Michel:
Ha! Everybody's got an annoying, filthy Frenchman in them Jack, just ask your girlfriend.

Jack Bourdain:
She's not my girl... Take the Lamb off the menu.

Michel:
Return my creepy baker then we'll talk.

Jack Bourdain:
[laughs] no.

Michel:
Ok then, I guess it is how you say "On"?

Jack Bourdain:
Oh, mon amie. It is TOTALLY HOW YOU SAY ON!

Michel:
It is on.

Jack Bourdain:
Yes, I said that.

Michel:
Ok.

Jack Bourdain:
Yeah [walks away]

Michel:
Your cusine is Caca!

Jim:
Jack!

Jack Bourdain:
Yeah?

Jim:
I think there's something wrong with the computer here.

Jack Bourdain:
Really?

Jim:
Yeah, I got orders for, uh, ten toilet burgers, a monkey nipple salad, two fart cakes - I'm sorry, three fart cakes - and a fish penis and moose rectum lasagna with super butt cheese. And pineapple salsa.

Michel Valentine:
Your cuisine is ca-ca!

Jack Bourdain:
So it appears that Michel is slightly more capable than I assumed.

Teddy Wong:
Slightly? He brought us to our knees with a keyboard and a mouse, ok? That is a sad and freaky situation, my friends.

Steven Daedelus:
[power is sabotaged] That sodding Frenchman!

Jack Bourdain:
So... It's official. We're at war.

Jim:
We're at war? What do you mean we're at war? We're chefs!

Jack Bourdain:
They attacked us. Twice!

Steven Daedelus:
They poked our head waitress

Jim:
Yeah, but didn't she enjoy it?

Teddy Wong:
That is not the point! If he's willing to have sex with Mimi, there's no telling how low he will go!

Seth Richman:
We sent Mimi on a diplomatic mission and he sent her back soiled and defiled

Jim:
and satisfied...

Jack Bourdain:
Jim, go to your idiot hole.

Pino:
[about Jack] I love this man. He's a genius.

Jim:
You know, he really is a genius. I bet he did so well on his SATs.

Teddy Wong:
What are you, made of mayonnaise?

Seth Richman:
Fine, you win, but I am not making muffins. Muffins are for people who don't have the nads to order cake for breakfast!

Seth Richman:
She does brunch... she does you. We did brunch 'cause she did you!

Seth Richman:
Come on man, gambling is in your blood.

Teddy Wong:
Alright, right, right. Because I'm Asian. I also own my own Dojo and my pocket's full of firecrackers!

Seth Richman:
You know, you can just say no. You don't have to insult me. [Seth moves away and quickly returns with a newspaper] Her name is Handsome Lass.

Teddy Wong:
Seth, for the love of God!

Seth Richman:
Oh come on, a purebred, Teddy! A winner from a line of winners! She's going off a ten to one!

Teddy Wong:
But you said I could just say no!

Seth Richman:
A ten to one, Ted! Hey, you said yourself, you're Asian. You do the math.

[Teddy gestures at Seth's face with a finger]

Seth Richman:
Hey, hey. Hey.

Teddy Wong:
I mean, who needs cake? It's not exactly the pillar of a meal.

Seth Richman:
Are you implying that your fish is more important than my cake?

Teddy Wong:
I'm not implying it. I'm stating it. It's fact.

Seth Richman:
Really? Ever heard of a birthday FISH?

Teddy Wong:
No. Did dad ever take you on a CAKING trip? Aw, no, he didn't.

Seth Richman:
Okay, let's talk about something important. Can we agree that we prefer cake over fish?

Teddy Wong:
Two words: Moby Dick. Four more: Not about a cake.

Seth Richman:
Jessica Alba gets naked on your couch. Do you cover her in chocolate frosting or pickled herring?

Teddy Wong:
Herring. You're making my point for me.

Seth Richman:
A day's pay says I sell more cake tomorrow night than you sell fish.

Teddy Wong:
Bring it, Cupcake.