Lewis

[examining the scene of a murder - the victim has been hit over the head with a large mirror]

Dr. Laura Hobson:
The jugular vein and carotid arteries were sliced right through.

DS James Hathaway:
By a piece of the mirror?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
On reflection, yes.

DS James Hathaway:
[groans] It's too early for jokes.

[first lines]

Dorian Crane:
Try the chapter on Peacock and the Romantics.

Melanie Harding:
Sure. Ah, good luck tonight.

Dorian Crane:
You'll be late for your lecture, Miss Harding.

Professor Rutherford:
Can't drink this.

Pub Landlord:
You've had a good try.

DS James Hathaway:
Pint of best, please.

Professor Rutherford:
I wouldn't risk the best if you value your taste buds; it's off.

Pub Landlord:
It is not off, sir. It is not off!

Professor Rutherford:
It is cloudier than a sad Sunday in Birmingham, and it tastes like a camel's armpit.

[last lines]

DS James Hathaway:
You know what one of the Inklings is meant to have said when Tolkien started reading them 'Lord of the Rings'?

DI Robert Lewis:
Oh, spare me, Sergeant; I've had enough of imaginary worlds.

DS James Hathaway:
You'll like it, sir; I promise.

DI Robert Lewis:
Go on then.

DS James Hathaway:
They said: "Not more flipping elves!" Except they didn't say 'flipping'.

DI Robert Lewis:
[laughs] I like it. Home, James.

DI Robert Lewis:
Titus Burkhardt? What sort of name is that?

DS James Hathaway:
He was a Perennialist.

DI Robert Lewis:
What do they believe in... low maintenance gardening?

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
[Shocked] It's sick!

DS James Hathaway:
It's Oxford.

Professor Norman Deering:
I've been thinking...

Professor Hamid Jassim:
That goes with the job.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Referring to the murdered girl] Do you disapprove of the way she was living?

Professor Hamid Jassim:
More than you can imagine, I imagine.

[while at Dr Hobson's party, a neighbour reported an intruder so Lewis and Hathaway left the party to investigate. Now the neighbour has complained that they were drunk and facetious to him. Innocent rebukes them]

DI Robert Lewis:
We promise not to do it again.

Chief Superintendent Innocent:
Good. You see, the principle behind a partnership such as yours is that the junior officer matures to the level of the senior, rather than that the senior officer should regress.

DI Robert Lewis:
[chastened] I'll bear it in mind.

[Innocent walks away, then turns back to them]

Chief Superintendent Innocent:
Was it a good party?

DS James Hathaway:
Compared with what?

Chief Superintendent Innocent:
Serves me right for asking!

[Lewis and Hathaway have been called to a murdered heating engineer in the basement of the Bodleian Library]

DS James Hathaway:
You realise what we've got, Sir?

DI Robert Lewis:
What?

DS James Hathaway:
The Body in the Library.

DI Robert Lewis:
Now that is *definitely* facetious.

[Nell Buckley is a student who makes money from gullible tourists whom she takes on walking tours of Oxford which she livens up with preposterous, invented "facts"]

Nell Buckley:
Now we're going to go down to the crocodile-infested river.

American Tourist:
Suppose I say to you I don't believe a word of any of this stuff?

Philip Horton:
But there are photographs of the crocodile.

Nell Buckley:
And I would say to you, Sir: do you believe that all men and women are created equally with certain inalienable rights such as life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?

American Tourist:
I hold those to be self-evident truths.

Nell Buckley:
[facetiously] It's easier to believe in a crocodile swimming in the Cherwell!

Dr Laura Hobson:
[Hobson and Lewis are sat on a bench nearby a canal, having a picnic. In an embrace, Hobson is reading a magazine whilst Lewis is overlooking the various surroundings] According to this, quality time should be measured not in minutes, but in moments.

DI Lewis:
So, an hour here is equivalent to a fortnight in Rimini?

Dr Laura Hobson:
Well, I wouldn't say that. It'll do for starters.

DI Hathaway:
[Maddox is sat at a table in a pub's back garden, when Hathaway returns from inside the pub to join her] As requested, one packet of pork scratchings. [He hands Maddox the bag of pork scratchings]

DS Lizzie Maddox:
[Maddox takes the packet from him] Thank you.

DI Hathaway:
[Hathaway takes out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket] Well, you know what they say. You can take the girl out of Leeds.

DS Lizzie Maddox:
[Maddox opens her pork scratchings] There's nothing wrong with 'em!

DI Hathaway:
There's nothing right with them.

DS Lizzie Maddox:
They're very good. [Maddox offers Hathaway a pork scratching]

DI Hathaway:
I will take your word for it. [He refuses, lighting his cigarette]

Luke Burgess:
They say you should never meet your heroes.

DI Lewis:
[referring to prison guard Wilkins] Handy with his fists, if not with his brains.

DI Robert Lewis:
Do you know what I'm doing? Trying to think like Morse.

DS James Hathaway:
[facetiously] Does that mean we're going to the pub?

Reverend Armstrong:
[Referring to his notes about firearms discharges on Sundays] Thirteen separate incidents - thirteen separate complaints. And what's been done about it? Sweet Felicity Arkwright

DI Robert Lewis:
Bow down before the Midnight Addiction

DS James Hathaway:
Absolutely [discarding his cigarette] Well I... use the word "Absolutely" in a purely private sense, meaning I've no idea what you're talking about

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Ah, there you are

DI Robert Lewis:
Yes ma'am; you sent for us

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Warrant. Needless to say - though, in my experience, the needless needs announcing through a loud-hailer - this must be handled with extreme delicacy. If the press get it, the Chief Constable is going to make my life very disagreeable, and if my life is disagreeable, your life is going to be absolute screaming hell. What am I saying here, Hathaway?

DS James Hathaway:
You're saying it's preferable not to alert the press, ma'am

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Your job is to shout that in the Inspector's ear, whenever he seems to be about to do something rash

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Richie Maguire contributes half a million Pounds [Sterling - UK currency] each year to an organization which will very probably look after you, Lewis, in your declining years. Now that does not protect him from our scrutiny, but it does afford him a certain professional courtesy

DS James Hathaway:
You got a minute, Peter?

Peter:
Actually, no I haven't

DS James Hathaway:
I gather you're reading [Oxfordspeak for Studying] Classics, so you'll appreciate the concept of the rhetorical question [shows Peter his badge]

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
So what are you actually going to do, Lewis, now?

DI Robert Lewis:
Now, ma'am? I'm going o think.

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
You're going to think?

DI Robert Lewis:
Yeah, ma'am. As a means of solving a crime it can prove useful.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Viewing Lucas' body] Look at those piercings. What sort of parent would allow their kid to do that?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
You're going to wish you never asked that.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Over the phone] I'm not stirring on Sunday for anything less than murder.

DI Robert Lewis:
All she's done since I got her in is make one phone call to the Randolph

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Who'd she speak to?

DI Robert Lewis:
the Hotel switchboard cannot divulge that information

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
They'll find they bloody well can if I go round there

DI Robert Lewis:
Not necessary; I know who it was

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Oh god; I get so worried when you do this inscrutable thing

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Oh, pull yourself together Lewis. You're only young once, and that was a long time ago. I'll buy you a drink; you can bang on about how perfect everything was in your day... When I say "buy you a drink", I should point out that I don't actually have any cash

[Lewis and Hathaway enter the college dining room as a student is saying a long, incomprehensible Grace in Latin]

DI Robert Lewis:
[whispers to Hathaway] Is that today's special?

DS James Hathaway:
[whispers hesitantly, as if translating] Toad-in-the-hole. Spotted dick.

DI Robert Lewis:
[to Jez] All right, that's all for now. The next time we ask a question, which we will, take a tip and don't lie.

DS James Hathaway:
[to Jez as he walks away] Nice t-shirt.

DI Robert Lewis:
[to Hathaway as a compliment] You're not so green as you're cabbage-looking.

Malcolm Finniston:
[to the members of the orchestra] I don't bite... unless I have to. [Taking his baton] C'mon, let's see what you're made of.

Vicki Walmsley:
Do you believe in God? An afterlife?

DI Robert Lewis:
No, but I don't believe in conning people either.

DI Robert Lewis:
[to Hathaway] You still think it's wrong to want to put somebody out of their pain.

DS James Hathaway:
Just because I'm uncomfortable with it, doesn't make it wrong.

Vicki Walmsley:
Some of us don't have the safety net of life after death.

DS James Hathaway:
[Looking at Beatty's appointment book] A lot of clients became regulars. He must have been good.

DI Robert Lewis:
I never realized so many people fell for this kind of thing.

DS James Hathaway:
Grief makes people irrational.

DI Robert Lewis:
You can't blame them for that, I suppose.

DS James Hathaway:
But you can blames the parasites that feed off them.

[first lines]

Alistair Stoke:
I will not tell you that it gets better. It doesn't. Thirty years in and I see that...

Lorraine Fernsby:
Started already!

Alistair Stoke:
What?

Lorraine Fernsby:
"You will always feel afraid. You should always feel afraid."

Alistair Stoke:
Well, they haven't heard it before. My point is that surgery is violent, and the day that stops frightening you is the day you should give up your job.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
[reading Hathaway's warrant card] "DI Hathaway". Congratulations.

[she kisses him on both cheeks]

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Knew you'd be back; once a copper always a copper.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
From the hypostasis I'd say he's not been dead much more than two hours. The bullet's entered the side of the skull here but it's not exited. So it was travelling at a low velocity by the time it hit. Sniper at... long range possibly?

DI James Hathaway:
Any chance of the post-mortem results this afternoon? I need the bullet intact.

[Laura stares at him]

DI James Hathaway:
If possible.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
I give all my DIs three strikes. Try not to use them all up in your first investigation.

DI James Hathaway:
[Hathaway grins and gives a mock salute] Message received.

DI James Hathaway:
I thought you had *lots* of plans for your retirement.

DI Robert Lewis:
I did; I do.

DI James Hathaway:
You not enjoying it?

DI Robert Lewis:
Of course I am. Just taking a bit of a break.

DI James Hathaway:
You're taking a break... from your retirement.

DI Robert Lewis:
Yeah, that's all

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
If it's consistency you want, I refer you to Exhibit A...

[indicates Lewis]

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Feared extinct, now back in its natural habitat.

DI Robert Lewis:
A little respect for the elderly.

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Not likely.

[Hathaway and Maddox go to interview an animal rights protester. They find her with a group of others in Radcliffe Square. Each protester is dressed as an animal and is inside a wire crate]

DS Lizzie Maddox:
[pointing at one crate] Second cow on the left!

DI James Hathaway:
They forced the door. Nothing was taken, so I just assumed it was skinniy-dipping students.

DI Robert Lewis:
Smetimes I wished I had goe to university.

DI Robert Lewis:
This job can be bleak sometimes.

DI Robert Lewis:
Can I give you a piece of advice?

DI James Hathaway:
Yeah, if I can ignore it.

DI Robert Lewis:
Don't push yourself so hard. Let Maddux help you. Make sure you get some sleep.

DI James Hathaway:
That's three pieces of advice.

DI Robert Lewis:
Okay, prioritize the sleep thing.

Gillian Fernsby:
Are you not going to tell us what's going on, then?

James Hathaway:
When I have a vague idea myself.

Robert Lewis:
She found the body, so either she's part of it, or she's the key to finding out who is.

[Hathaway smiles]

Robert Lewis:
What? It makes sense, doesn't it?

James Hathaway:
No, it makes perfect sense. You remind me of someone I used to work for.

Robert Lewis:
[about Alistair Stoke] The man had one complaint in thirty years; how many would a copper get in that time?

James Hathaway:
You comparing what we do to brain surgery?

Robert Lewis:
Nah. Police work's much more complicated than that.

[last lines]

[the two are in a canoe]

James Hathaway:
Well, I thought you'd given up on the canoe.

Robert Lewis:
Nah. Never give up. Just found alternate means of production.

James Hathaway:
You paid someone to make it, didn't you?

Robert Lewis:
Why not. I'm earning again.

James Hathaway:
Yeah, I wanted to talk to you about that, actually.

Robert Lewis:
Oh, yeah?

James Hathaway:
Well, it's been horrific working with you, obviously.

Robert Lewis:
Obviously.

James Hathaway:
But I've been thinking if it gets you out of the house in your old age, then I could possibly put up with you for a little longer.

Robert Lewis:
Ah, that's good of you, James. That's really good of you.

[Laura is examining a dead body found in a culvert while Lewis watches her]

Robert Lewis:
Not exactly the Sunday we'd planned.

Dr Laura Hobson:
I don't know. You, me, James, a hole in the ground. It's what weekends were made for.

[Lewis is questioning Le Plassiter who is barely conscious and very close to death]

DI Robert Lewis:
Don't pretend to be dead: it's bad manners and it won't work!

DS James Hathaway:
I'm not smug, ma'am; it's just the unfortunate shape of my face.

DI Robert Lewis:
Doctor, you bring me all this because you secretly love me.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
If I bring you anything at all, Lewis, you cocky sod, it's because I secretly love Hathaway.

Malcolm Croft:
I can't believe this is happening.

DI Robert Lewis:
I've met stranger people in stranger places.

Lucas Hayward:
I was always taught that being polite to policemen is the only way to make them go away.

DI Robert Lewis:
What's the matter with you? Been crying?

DS James Hathaway:
I always cry when I know I'm going to spend the day with you, Sir.

DI Robert Lewis:
Hathaway, find me some dead people!

DS James Hathaway:
Sir?

DI Robert Lewis:
Crime! Now! Or I shall discharge. And it won't be a pretty sight.

Malcolm Croft:
[shaking Lewis and Hathaway's hands] Malcolm Croft, Headmaster. Now, look, the first thing I want you to be absolutely clear about is that here at Parktown, we are a very broad church.

DI Robert Lewis:
Glad to hear it.

Malcolm Croft:
We have 14 Muslims in the school and 32 children of mixed parentage. I do feel it's important to foreground this.

DI Robert Lewis:
[bell rings] Quite.

Malcolm Croft:
You should be entirely confident of the pastoral care your child will receive here.

DS James Hathaway:
[to Lewis, taking his hand] Darling, I think you should explain.

DI Robert Lewis:
It's stem cells you're involved in here? Is that right?

Professor Rufus Strickfaden:
With a view to the treatment of progressive degenerative illnesses, that's right. Hello. Parkinson's, Alzheimer's, motor neurone disease, MS.

DI Robert Lewis:
Important work.

Professor Rufus Strickfaden:
We like to think so.

DI Robert Lewis:
But not without its critics. [pause] Professor Strickfaden?

Professor Rufus Strickfaden:
Science is about the pursuit of truth. That *always* threatens someone.

DS James Hathaway:
There's been threats; stem cell research. Not overly popular with some of the more spiritually certain.

Professor Angus Rawbone:
[Leaving a house with a dead body, presumably after the initial on-site examination] Between 2 and 4 this morning, to save you asking; have to wait for the PM [Post Mortem = autopsy] for anything further

DI Robert Lewis:
First impressions?

Professor Angus Rawbone:
Throat cut from left to right, finger marks on the lips and chin? I think we can discount suicide

DS James Hathaway:
You know, what he lacks in bedside manner, he more than makes up for in basic incivility

DS James Hathaway:
[Talking to Belsarius about the end of his romance with Ligiea] She ended it?

Dr. Nicolae Belisarius:
Next she says she wants to end things. Says she could never make me happy, which, of course, means I could never make her happy.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
People sift through the cracks if you're not careful.

DI Robert Lewis:
Actually, Mrs. Addams, it was you we wanted to see if you don't mind. I would quite like a word.

Honey Addams:
[Walking while holding 2 year-old Josh] I was just about to get Joe down, so...

DI Robert Lewis:
That's all right. Sergeant Hathaway will keep an eye. He is good with kids. Used to be one himself.

DS James Hathaway:
[singing to a toddler] 'Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily, life is... ' somewhat repetitive.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Reading from a flyer] 'The Ashmolean presents Marion Hammond: Fallen' question mark... a meditation on postlapsarian female gender identity.

DS James Hathaway:
Opens this week. I've got tickets.

DS James Hathaway:
The same Marion who left messages on her answering machine?

DS James Hathaway:
Professional iconoclast. Socialphoto-anthropologist cultural pundit.

DI Robert Lewis:
Oxford type there?

DS James Hathaway:
[Emphatically] Oh, yeah.

DS James Hathaway:
What do you actually study here, Dr. Ezrin?

Dr. Joshua Ezrin:
The parts of the brain relating to learning - how data is imprinted and stored in the memory. Anything you've ever felt is down to microscopic variation in the electrochemical balance in here [Pointing to his brain] Everything we are - love, hate, anger, jealousy, desire...

DS James Hathaway:
Desire?

Dr. Joshua Ezrin:
Ah, the need for a mate whereby we can propagate our mitochondrial DNA. It's about as basic an instinct as you can get.

DS James Hathaway:
And the soul?

Dr. Joshua Ezrin:
Sorry, there is no ghost in the machine. When the machine stops, we stop.

Marion Hammond:
[Looking admiringly at a provocative photo of Bess] Beautiful body! [to Lewis] I suppose 'body' means something entire;y different to you. What's that like being surrounded by dead people all the time?

DI Robert Lewis:
[Laconically] It's a living.

Marion Hammond:
Then a couple of months ago I met someone. We were together for a while.

DI Robert Lewis:
So what happened?

Marion Hammond:
Well, he started making those 'I want to stick around' signals, and...

DI Robert Lewis:
And that's a bad thing?

Marion Hammond:
For me, yes. I'm not good with tomorrow.

Marion Hammond:
[to Marion] I did three years in vice in Newcastle before I came down. That tends to knock the choirboy out of the soul.

DS James Hathaway:
[quoting from the Night Keeper comic series] "There's a line between good and evil no wider than a razor's edge"

Silas Whittaker:
[finishing the quote] "I hold the line. I am the line"

DI Robert Lewis:
That launch of his was tethered with a length of polypropylene rope.

DS James Hathaway:
Moored. Horses are tethered; boats are moored.

[Hathaway phones Lewis as he is watching TV news footage of them tackling an escaped drug dealer and wrestling him to the ground]

DI Robert Lewis:
[gleefully] You watching this too? Best telly in years!

Francis Mitchell:
Have you been using my computer, Helen?

Helen Mitchell:
Have you been cheatin' on me, Francis?

Kit Renton:
[Contemptuously to Lewis and Hathaway as they enter] I don't often get the bacon knocking on the door.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
[Referring to the murdered Miranda Thornton] She had her 15 seconds too. Wrote a book back in the 90s how women could survive without men... quite influential.

DI Robert Lewis:
Did it influence you?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
No, of course not. I came to the conclusion years ago.

DS James Hathaway:
[Running into Briony on the street] Briony, what a coincidence!

Briony Keagan:
Is it a coincidence?

DS James Hathaway:
No, not really. I waited for you to leave your college, then followed you.

Briony Keagan:
Oh, so you're stalking me?

DS James Hathaway:
Well, I'm a policeman. It's surveillance, not stalking.

DI Peterson:
[after he has walked past her, he turns toward her] Oh, um. oh, I'm sorry. We haven't met. I'm kind of the new boy around here... Alan Peterson. [Extending his hand]

Dr. Laura Hobson:
[Shaking it] Laura Hobson. Got any dead or mutilated bodies... I'm your girl.

DI Robert Lewis:
We understand you had dealings with Professor Richard Seager.

Debbie Cliff:
Dealings? I've not heard it called that before. He killed my daughter if that's what you're getting at.

DI Robert Lewis:
He was found murdered at home this morning.

Debbie Cliff:
[Sarcastically] Oh, there you go! I'll buy a lottery ticket later.

Dr. Yardley:
Hundreds of students pass through this college every year. I can't be expected to remember them all.

DI Lewis:
Not even the ones who mysteriously vanish? There can't be too many of those surely.

DI Lewis:
I can never get my head around kids killing themselves.

Stella Drew:
[Referring to missing student Soo] She worked for a few of us in the group, vaguely competently as I remember.

DI Lewis:
[Sarcastically] That good?

Stella Drew:
Well, she wasn't exceptional.

DI Lewis:
But according to the missing person's report she seems to have been extremely clever.

Stella Drew:
Well, it's Oxford, Inspector. Everyone's extremely clever.

DI Lewis:
[Referring to the desiccated body discovered in the attic] Any idea how long she's been up here?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
A decade or more. Really not my area, I'm afraid.

DI Lewis:
[to Stella Drew] I'm sorry. We're police officers. Decisions about the future of mankind don't really feature in our job description.

[referring to Hathaway]

DI Robert Lewis:
How do you trust somebody you don't really know?

Mr Cooper:
You trust what you really know about them.

DI Robert Lewis:
Life born of fire. I bet that means something in Latin.

DS James Hathaway:
What makes you say that?

DI Robert Lewis:
This is Oxford. Everything always means something in Latin

DI Robert Lewis:
Good night?

DS James Hathaway:
Eyes hurt; skin hurts; tongue too big for mouth.

DI Robert Lewis:
Yeah, that's a good night.

Zo? Kenneth:
You know the problem with living on your own?

DS James Hathaway:
What?

Zo? Kenneth:
You're on your own.

Henry McEwan:
God killed my son, but in the four walls I killed god.

[last lines]

DI Robert Lewis:
Sometimes, Hathaway, I worry about your taste in music.

DI Robert Lewis:
Sometimes, Inspector Lewis, I worry about your taste in women.

DS James Hathaway:
[pauses] I'll drink to that. Prost!

DI Robert Lewis:
[They clink bottles] Prost!

Charles Acres:
Boxing gets rid of aggression - doesn't cause it.

DI Robert Lewis:
I reckon you could say the same for murder.

DI Robert Lewis:
[to Hathaway seeing a punch being thrown on a surveillance video] Call that a haymaker. It's a John Wayne thing.

Ann Kriel:
You know, sometimes I feel like I've got an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other.

DI Robert Lewis:
Who's winning?

Ann Kriel:
Jury's out at the moment.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
[to Lewis] His attacker must have been very strong because it isn't easy strangling a man. Believe me, I've tried.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Anyway, what about the note?

DI Robert Lewis:
Never trust suicide notes that aren't handwritten.

[dying words, after he has been shot]

Nicky Turnbull:
I'll make the front pages tomorrow, bonny lad.

Stephen Gilchrist:
[Referring to the brutally murdered girl] She didn't deserve this.

DI Robert Lewis:
Nobody does.

Diane Turnbull:
I know what people like you think of Do-Gooders

DI Robert Lewis:
What makes you think I'm a People Like Me?

DS James Hathaway:
Well, Caesar was killed by a group of conspirators; gota check Brutus, Cassius, Casca...

DI Robert Lewis:
This is Oxford, not ancient Rome

DS James Hathaway:
They're easily confused, sir

[Lewis and Hathaway are questioning friends of a murder victim]

Lakshmi Eyre:
Look, do you know how long we're going to have to hang on here? I've work to get back to.

DS Hathaway:
On a weekend?

Lakshmi Eyre:
[grinning] I'm CEO of Guilty Secrets.

DS Hathaway:
What's Guilty Secrets?

DI Robert Lewis:
It's a lingerie chain. Sergeant Hathaway doesn't get out much.

[Lakshmi gives Hathaway a seductive look]

[after leaving Lakshmi, Lewis and Hathaway walk across the quad]

DS Hathaway:
Regular customer, are you, Sir, at Guilty Secrets? Loyalty card holder?

DI Robert Lewis:
Every high street's got one - it's a major chain. Online and what-have-you.

DS Hathaway:
Online? Well.

DI Robert Lewis:
Just because I've heard of something you've not.

DS Hathaway:
My mind is on a higher plane.

DI Robert Lewis:
I'm just trying to find out who killed your friend, Professor.

Diana Ellerby:
And are you any closer to doing that, do you think?

DI Robert Lewis:
I believe so, but i could use some help. I'm not the enemy.

Diana Ellerby:
Of course, you are. You just don't realize it.

DI Robert Lewis:
What sort of name is that for a place?

DS Hathaway:
It's from Pilgrim's Progress, by John Milton. [pauses] Didn't you go to Sunday School?

DI Robert Lewis:
No. A couple of missionaries made it up to Newcastle once. Ended up in the cooking pot I think.

DS Hathaway:
Has Oxford changed much since you've been away?

DI Lewis:
No. It changed before I went.

[Dr Hobson sees Lewis wearing a very garish Caribbean shirt]

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Can you turn down the volume on that shirt?

DI Lewis:
Listen, You grab a table. I'll get them in.

DS Hathaway:
Thanks, Sir. Mine is a pint.

DI Lewis:
Mine is a pint, sergeant. You are driving.

[Throws car keys at Hathaway who catches easily]

DI Lewis:
Orange juice or what?

[last lines]

DI Robert Lewis:
Between us, we make a not-bad detective.

[pause]

DI Robert Lewis:
[ironically] I'm the brains, obviously.

DS James Hathaway:
[chuckling] Obviously.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
No James today?

DI Robert Lewis:
He's in court.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Knickers off clothes lines again? Let's hope the judge shows leniency.

Scarlett Mortmaigne:
Take me out somewhere - tonight. Anywhere. I don't care.

DS James Hathaway:
Is that wise?

Scarlett Mortmaigne:
I don't want to be wise. I want to be happy. I want to drink too much and laugh too much and... please?

DS James Hathaway:
And what about you and me? What was that? Your way of getting close to the investigation?

Scarlett Mortmaigne:
You don't really think - you're not one of us.

DS James Hathaway:
No.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Referring to Hathaway to Dr. Hobson] Ah, he's an awkward sod at the best of times, God knows, but he's my awkward sod. I don't want to go through all the palaver of getting another sergeant house-trained.

DS James Hathaway:
[Meeting by chance in bookstore] I'm not following you... honestly.

Scarlett Mortmaigne:
You don't have to deny it quite so vehemently.

Scarlett Mortmaigne:
[Seeing Hathaway running after her out of the bookstore with a forgotten credit card] I thought for a moment you chased me to declare your undying love.

DS James Hathaway:
Not sure men do that nowadays, do they?

Scarlett Mortmaigne:
Perhaps they should.

[Lewis and Hobson are examining a woman's body]

DI Robert Lewis:
I presume the bleach is to get rid of the DNA?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
You're learning. You used to think "DNA" meant "Don't Know Anything".

DI Robert Lewis:
Better than thinking "CID" stands for "Coppers In Disguise".

DI Robert Lewis:
[reading aloud as they walk] Gifted children use long words, enjoy problem solving, are very sensitive emotionally, and often prone to deny the obvious. [to Hathaway] Remind you of anyone?

DS James Hathaway:
[sharing Lewis's enjoyment] No.

DI Robert Lewis:
I made the last bit up.

DS James Hathaway:
[Hathaway, the Cambridge graduate, holds an Oxford student's essay] You know sometimes you couldn't believe that this was England's second best university.

DI Robert Lewis:
You're speaking objectively, of course.

DI Robert Lewis:
Why would anyone poison Voss? [tutor who had recently moved to Oxford from Harvard]

DS James Hathaway:
There's nothing in his background. He's British, originally.

DI Robert Lewis:
Where from?

DS James Hathaway:
Swindon.

DI Robert Lewis:
Went there once; it was closed.

DI Robert Lewis:
Were you really talent-spotted?

DS James Hathaway:
What, by MI5? They even got me to sign something... I changed my mind.

DI Robert Lewis:
How'd you get away with it?

DS James Hathaway:
I used invisible ink. [as they walk to their cars] Drink, sir?

DI Robert Lewis:
Mine's a pint... shaken, not stirred.

DS James Hathaway:
Will he live?

Doctor:
I'm not God.

DS James Hathaway:
No, I'm aware of that, doctor, but any port in a storm. Try.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Quoting the title of a book] "The Gifted Child."

Dr. Laura Hobson:
[Sarcastically] Don't speak about Sergeant Hathaway like that. You'll give him a big head.

Zoe Suskin:
It can get lonely. Is that why you're a policeman? Because you're frightened by your own cleverness and of being lonely?

DS James Hathaway:
I was never as clever as you.

Zoe Suskin:
You were, I can tell.

DS James Hathaway:
What makes you think you don't have to be clever to be a policeman?

Zoe Suskin:
Sorry.

DS James Hathaway:
Don't grow up angry, Zoe. It takes so much effort to find your place in the world when you're angry, believe me.

DS James Hathaway:
[Looking at a poster for a book-signing event of a best-seller] Would you ever write your memoirs?

DI Robert Lewis:
Only if I could write the shocking truth about you.

Eileen Norman:
Poison is a woman's weapon.

DI Robert Lewis:
Is it?

Eileen Norman:
"I love the old ways best, the simple way of poison, where we too are as strong as men".

DS James Hathaway:
Uh, one of the Greek tragedies.

Eileen Norman:
Right: Medea. I played her once at drama school. Look at me now.

DI Robert Lewis:
[referring to Hathaway's food poisoning] In any case, we don't know for sure that it was the coffee that gave you the funny turn, rather than the prawns.

DS James Hathaway:
It was DEFinitely the coffee.

DI Robert Lewis:
Gut feeling?

DI Robert Lewis:
You know, one of my first cases in Oxford, this old don turned toward me and he said, "Forgive me, are you a member of this city?"

DS James Hathaway:
What did you say?

DI Robert Lewis:
"No, I just live here." But he was making a point. This city, it's members only.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Lewis injured his back, & Hathaway has brought him to hospital] If they ask...

DS James Hathaway:
Yah, I know: "Do Not Resuscitate".

DI Robert Lewis:
I was going to say, "Two sugars".

DI Robert Lewis:
I've noticed, Hathaway, that you always call me "Sir" when you've said something mean.

DS James Hathaway:
Public school.

DI Robert Lewis:
Can you see these two killing Yelland?

DS James Hathaway:
Perhaps very slowly.

DI Robert Lewis:
Have you learned nothing from this case? Books are bad for your health.

DS James Hathaway:
Not if you just read them.

[at the mortuary Lewis winces and points at his jaw]

DI Robert Lewis:
You wouldn't have anything for a bad tooth in here, would you?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
I could take it out for you if you like... Course, you'd have to be dead first!

DS James Hathaway:
[referring to Adam] He's like the three wise monkeys rolled into one bloody-minded urban guerrilla.

Ch. Supt. Innocent:
[to Lewis and Hathaway] Why are you just sitting there looking at me like dogs being shown a card trick?

DS James Hathaway:
[Rhetorically] What's a clue but a mistake under another name.

Myra Barnet:
[Hathaway's cell phone rings] Wouldn't it be Courteous to have that thing turned off!

DS James Hathaway:
I'm at work, not at the theatre.

Myra Barnet:
[answering her front door] If you're double glazing, I don't want it; Jehovah's Witness, I don't need it; changing my gas supplier, you're all as crooked as each other so, all in all, it's a general "no thanks"

DI Robert Lewis:
[displaying their badges] We're the police.

DI Hathaway:
[examining the dead body] A robbery gone wrong or a murder dressed up to look like a robbery.

DI Hathaway:
[about Flaxmore] He lies! That's what he does! He lies like we other people breathe.

DS Lizzie Maddox:
[Lewis and Hobson are joined by Hathaway and Maddox for dinner at the Hobson-Lewis household. Lewis places the stylus on the record, which then plays a song. Hathaway can be seen sat in an armchair, with a glass of red wine] So, what we having?

Dr Laura Hobson:
I've no idea! [Maddox and Hobson come into the living room] He won't let me anywhere near the kitchen!

DI Lewis:
Just have a little faith! I'm in complete control.

DI Hathaway:
Pride comes before a fall.

DI Lewis:
[the doorbell rings] Not this time. [Lewis goes to answer the front door]

Dr Laura Hobson:
[Maddox and Hobson are now sat together on the sofa. Hobson offers Maddox some more wine] More?

DS Lizzie Maddox:
Er, yeah. Please. [Hobson pours her some wine]

DI Hathaway:
It's not gonna be one of the voyage of discovery meals, is it? [Hathaway has a sip of his wine]

Dr Laura Hobson:
[anxiously] I'm really hoping not.

DS Lizzie Maddox:
[curiously] Why? What do you discover?

DI Hathaway:
Usually that you're not very hungry. [Hobson and Maddox exchange smiles, as the front door closes. Maddox takes a sip of her wine, whilst Hobson turns towards the direction of the hallway]

DI Lewis:
[Lewis returns to the living room with several boxes of pizza] I gave you the authentic taste of Italy! Albeit via Cowley Road. [Hobson stands up]

Dr Laura Hobson:
[seriously] Pizza?

DI Lewis:
[humourously] You can't go wrong! [Hathaway can be seen laughing quietly]

DS Lizzie Maddox:
[Irritable, Hobson moves towards Lewis, who is still smiling and hands him the bottle of wine] Er, do you want your wine?

Dr Laura Hobson:
[Hobson takes the boxes of pizza from Lewis] Yes, please. [Maddox then gets up from the sofa, carrying both hers and Hobson's wine and follows her into the kitchen]

Dr Laura Hobson:
Will I see you at home later?

[Lewis shakes his head ruefully]

Dr Laura Hobson:
I think I preferred it when you were building canoes.

DI Lewis:
No you didn't. I was a bad-tempered old grouch who smelled of wood-glue.

Dr Laura Hobson:
Yes, but you were *my* bad-tempered old grouch who smelled of wood-glue.

[she kisses him]

[Caroline Eagleton, tutor of a female student who has just been murdered, tells Lewis about another student who had been harrassing the girl several months earlier and who was only spared being suspended because the girl pleaded his case. Lewis learns his identity - one of those who was present when the body was found]

Caroline Eagleton:
If it turns out to be him, may God forgive me because I'll never forgive myself.

[Caroline Eagleton hands Lewis a file]

Caroline Eagleton:
Here - Proctor's report, statements. The boy's name...

DI Robert Lewis:
Adam Douglas.

Caroline Eagleton:
You know him?

DI Robert Lewis:
[snarls] Yeah. And don't be too *quick* to forgive yourself.

[Adam Douglas has been arrested as he tried to flee the scene of the murder. Hathaway is interviewing him at the police station]

DS James Hathaway:
Where were you planning on going with thirty quid and an out-of-date passport? As far as master-plans go, it's pretty stupid.

Adam Douglas:
*I'm* the one studying Classics at Oxford and *you're* the one working in this toilet, so just watch who you're calling stupid.

DS James Hathaway:
We're *both* in the toilet, Adam.

[Hathaway grins]

DS James Hathaway:
[whispers gleefully] But I can leave.

[to make his point, Hathaway opens the door and walks out of the room]

DS James Hathaway:
[after showing DI Lewis whodunit, where "it" is attempted vehicular manslaughter] This is the bit where you say "Well done Hathaway", and I shrug, modestly.

DS James Hathaway:
Amy's body was in the garden, two floors below the room she was sleeping in. The cause of death is a blow to the head or the head hitting a rock.

DI Robert Lewis:
Suicide?

DS James Hathaway:
[Dryly] Dr. Hobson is consulting the cadaver even now,

DI Robert Lewis:
[to Bethan] If you think of anything else you shouldn't say, I hope you'll say it to me.

Dane Wise:
[after attacking Hathaway in the dark] Sorry, I thought you were breakin' in.

DS James Hathaway:
No, just a social call.

DS James Hathaway:
Could Ketanex have contributed to Amy's death?

Alex Gansa:
[Pausing to stare at Hathaway] Sorry, you're an odd policeman.

Alex Gansa:
[Hathaway makes a scoffing noise] I mean, yo-you're odd for a policeman. I-is this a second career perhaps?

DS James Hathaway:
We're talking about you.

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
What's the matter with him? Not our lovely Laura I hope. Honestly, sometimes I just want to bang their heads together. Two grown-up single people who obviously like each other... Don't you think Hathaway?

DS James Hathaway:
I try not to, ma'am.

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Oh, you're hopeless!

[while searching a victim's bedroom, Lewis opens a wardrobe door and sees a pin-up of a woman with large breasts]

DS James Hathaway:
If you get any closer, she's gonna poke your eye out!

DI Robert Lewis:
[embarrassed] Just... studying the evidence.

[first lines]

Hope Ransome:
I'll be two seconds.

DI Robert Lewis:
I was quite flattered, to be honest. You reach a point in life you've got to conclude that basically you're invisible to beautiful women.

DS James Hathaway:
I know that feeling.

[last lines]

DI Robert Lewis:
Look, I know your pride's taken a beating, but don't do 'what ifs'. Go in there. Say goodbye properly.

DS James Hathaway:
I can't.

DI Robert Lewis:
Course you can. Go on. Lay the ghost to rest. Either that, or we feed you to Battleship Potemka. Eighty quid. Full body massage. Your call.

[Lewis holds out the money; Hathaway takes it, then returns some]

DS James Hathaway:
I'll have a pint.

DI Robert Lewis:
That's not a tan! It's blood pressure.

Daniel Rattenbury:
I may have given up the Bible, but I try to make every choice the right one.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Found this note on the body.

DI Robert Lewis:
"Neither a borrower nor a lender be." Shakespeare?

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Hamlet.

DI Robert Lewis:
Wrong play.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Well, this is Oxford.

DI Robert Lewis:
Don't I bloody know it.

DS James Hathaway:
I feel there's something more. "By the pricking of my thumbs."

DI Robert Lewis:
Don't tell me: Shakespeare.

DS James Hathaway:
Bravo.

DI Robert Lewis:
I'm getting sick of bloody Shakespeare.

DI Robert Lewis:
These actors, they're like some old-fashioned criminal gang: close-knit, incestuous. Cardinal sin is grassing on your mates.

DS James Hathaway:
Like the police force.

Ch. Supt. Innocent:
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

DI Robert Lewis:
I need a drink.

DS James Hathaway:
You just had a cup of tea.

DI Robert Lewis:
It was herbal.

DS James Hathaway:
Oh, you *do* need a drink.

[last lines]

DI Robert Lewis:
Thank you. For coming with me.

DS James Hathaway:
It's OK.

Phil Beaumont:
The name might not mean much to you now, but give it time, it might mean even less.

DS James Hathaway:
I know this may sound like a silly question, but do you actually like anybody in Oxford?

Phil Beaumont:
I'll get back to you on that.

Amanda Costello:
[On the phone as she exits a cab] When can we meet? I need all the dirt and only the best quality will do... Well, it may be murder and mayhem to you, darling, but it's bread and butter to me.

Graham Wilkinson:
I was wondering if I could pick your mind?

DI Robert Lewis:
Maybe, if you could find them. It's been a long day.

Simon Monkford:
[Seeing Hathaway at the door] Invite the sergeant in, Christine. We've been lifetime friends since yesterday afternoon.

Mrs Scott:
Why do people die before their time! It's not right!

Professor Denise Gregson:
God, you sound so like a policeman!

DI Robert Lewis:
That's because I am a bloody policeman!

DI Robert Lewis:
I'm not going to make you a happy man.

DI Robert Lewis:
I'm always happy. My face is misleading.

DI Robert Lewis:
How would you describe your marriage?

Peter Faulkner:
Heterosexual.

DI Robert Lewis:
[Regarding the embalmed body of the old man] I'm not asking you to break any confidences.

Dr. Matt Whitby:
[Walking and in a hurry] I'm already late for my class. [He stops for a moment] He'd been our patient for three years. Nothing unusual about his death... cancer.

DI Robert Lewis:
Do you know the family?

Dr. Matt Whitby:
[laughs ironically] I don't know any families. I just sit in there like a priest in the confessional, and they bring me their scabs and their limps and their imagined ailments one after another.

DI Robert Lewis:
You like your job.

Dr. Matt Whitby:
Probably as much as you like yours. [He goes] Sorry I can't be more help.

[Lewis and Innocent are in the pub celebrating the end of the case. Hathaway arrives back from his holiday in Kosovo. Then Dr Hobson arrives and kisses Lewis passionately]

Dr. Laura Hobson:
[seductively] I've been thinking about doing that all day.

DI Robert Lewis:
Same here.

[Hathaway and Innocent smirk and exchange glances]

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
[nonchalantly] Evening.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
James. Gosh, you're sunburnt.

DS James Hathaway:
Thank you.

DI Robert Lewis:
I'll get the drinks in.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
No, *I'll* get them.

DI Robert Lewis:
No, no. We'll *both* get them.

[Lewis and Hobson walk away to the bar]

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
How long... ?

DS James Hathaway:
I turn my back for five minutes...

Tara Faulkner:
[Talking to Lewis about her fling with Jack Cornish] He wasn't my handsome prince after all - just another frog.

Chief Superintendent Jean Innocent:
Do you know what happens to a police officer in prison?

Jack Cornish:
That's why I'm not going there.

Jack Cornish:
A drink for old time's sake?

DI Robert Lewis:
[Bitterly] There isn't a spoon long enough.

Jack Cornish:
For supping with the Devil? [sarcastically] Very good, Robbie. Almost witty.

Liv Nash:
You must see stuff like this all the time?

DS James Hathaway:
Yeah!

Liv Nash:
So, who do you call?

DS James Hathaway:
Good question.

DI Robert Lewis:
I hope you remembered to ask her some questions.

DS James Hathaway:
Yes, Sir, I did. Thank you. In fact, she was very helpful.

DI Robert Lewis:
Did you just bow to her?

DS James Hathaway:
Yeah, I think I did.

[last lines]

DI Robert Lewis:
What do I say to her? How do I tell her the truth?

DS James Hathaway:
Tell her with kindness. You're good at that.

Rev Conor Hawes:
Do you have brothers, either of you? Do you never give your brother a Chinese burn or hide his glasses?

DI Robert Lewis:
No, I always liked my brother. Used to beat me at Subbuteo mind,

DS James Hathaway:
[Introspectively] All of these lonely people pouring their lives into puzzles that can't be solved! [after a moment] Ah, ignore me. I've got a touch of existential flu. [Receiving no verbal resonse] What?

DI Robert Lewis:
I'm going to say it just this once. For your sake you need a partner, James. You need someone in your life. [after a pause] Let's call it a day. [They get up to leave]

DS James Hathaway:
[about Mia and Vincent] There's something not right about these two.

DI Robert Lewis:
They blink too much.

DS James Hathaway:
Your brother was found with a cross made of twigs laid on his chest. What do you make of that as a man of the cross?

Rev Conor Hawes:
The killer had a conscience.

DS James Hathaway:
[Authoratatively to Rev. Hawes] Don't leave Oxford, sir, We haven't finished with you yet.

DI Robert Lewis:
Allow me to escort you off the premises.

Vincent Vega:
So that's it? You're not going to charge us?

DI Robert Lewis:
The thing is you want us to, so, no, we're not going to charge you. You're not worth the paper work.

DS James Hathaway:
[to Liv] Missing pieces of the puzzle are our stock-in-trade. Half the time we can't see what's in front of us.

[earlier, Lewis had told Laura than he would not be going to New Zealand with her because he was afraid that he would not have a job to come back to]

DI Robert Lewis:
I'll still be here when you get back.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
That's what I'm afraid of

DI Robert Lewis:
I've got something for you. What do you think?

[he shows her a shirt, bearing a picture of a dodo, that he has bought for her new-born niece in New Zealand]

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Thank you. It's perfect. The dodo?

DI Robert Lewis:
Famous Oxford icon. And a bird that I can relate to.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Except you're not extinct.

DI Robert Lewis:
Let's hope that's still the case when *I* get back. From New Zealand. Where I will have been with you. If that's OK. I think I've been a bit of a fool. Well, actually I've been a *lot* of a fool. I'm really sorry.

[tearfully she hugs him]

DI Robert Lewis:
I'll make it up to you, I promise. And I won't forget.

Dr. Laura Hobson:
Yeah you will. But I'll remind you.

Anne Sadikov:
I'm Anne Sadikov, Inspector. This is my husband, Theodore Platt.

Theodore Platt:
[shouts drunkenly] Bloody women. They'll take everything except a man's name these days. You should be Mrs Platt.

Anne Sadikov:
Much too close to "prat" for my liking.

[At the reception for the chamber music recital]

Chief Superintendent Innocent:
You *do* scrub up well, Inspector.

DI Robert Lewis:
Oh, this penguin suit's been to far too many Masonic dinners - the trouser leg keeps rolling up of its own accord.

Anne Sadikov:
You murdered my mother, Theodore. And your chums did nothing to stop you.

Theodore Platt:
Rubbish! She was just some whore!

Adele Goffe:
[acerbically to Gina about the death of Bishop Parsons] We'll pray for her soul... after pudding.

DI Robert Lewis:
[excusing himself] I'd better not keep Sergeant Hathaway waiting, or I'll be in trouble.

Prof Joanna Pinnock:
What an interesting man! Why did he leave the seminary to become a policeman?

DI Robert Lewis:
Didn't he tell you?

Prof Joanna Pinnock:
No.

DI Robert Lewis:
Me neither.

Adele Goffe:
Do I bear even the slightest resemblance to a detective?

DS James Hathaway:
No.

Adele Goffe:
I'm not sure that you do, to be frank.

DS James Hathaway:
You might be right.

DS James Hathaway:
You don't live in?

Stephen Blackmore:
"God made the country, and man made the town." I value the quiet life.

DI Robert Lewis:
[referring to a black man walking in the hallway] The bishop's husband.

DS James Hathaway:
Not something you hear every day.

DI Robert Lewis:
I can hear you tutting even if you're not.

DS James Hathaway:
I don't like misplaced apostrophes.

DI Robert Lewis:
What do you think about quizzes?

DS James Hathaway:
Terminally pointless. Right up there with slugs and black pudding.

Sebastian Anderson:
Does this mean the rest of us can leave?

DI Robert Lewis:
Not yet... maybe after tea.

Sebastian Anderson:
[Sardonically] How very English!

DI Robert Lewis:
[to Hathaway] Everybody lies - especially about sex.