Little Britain

Old Ma Evans' lodger:
Well, I seem to have passed your gay test, so I must be gay.

Daffyd:
No, you are not a gay. I am the gay. You're probably just a little bit poofy!

Myfanwy:
Daffyd Thomas, you bloody fool! You could have had a bit of cock there.

[the Fat Fighters are discussing foods]

Marjorie Dawes:
Dust. Anybody? No? High in fat, low in fat? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. Anybody? No? Dust. It's actually very low in fat. You can have as much dust as you like.

Lou:
[looking up into the tree where Andy is sitting] Andy, how did you get up there?

Andy:
I fell.

Anne:
Eh-eh-ehhhhhh!

Daffyd:
I am the only gay in the village

Robot career counsellor:
What did you have in mind?

Boy:
I've always wanted to do catering...

Robot career counsellor:
There will no jobs for humans in catering in the future. Only robots!

Boy:
Does that include catering in hotels?

Robot career counsellor:
[thinking] Err... Yes!

Boy:
Well the other thing I thought was engineering...

Robot career counsellor:
There will be no jobs for humans in the future. Only robots!

[it prints out a brochure]

Robot career counsellor:
This will explain it all! Now leave!

Boy:
Thank you, sir.

Robot career counsellor:
I am a robot!

Marjorie Dawes:
[after being told she's too fat to run fat-fighters] Well you can take your fat fighters and shove them up your fat arse! That's right, screeeeeeeeeew you!

Vicky Pollard:
Anyway don't listen to her coz everyone knows her fanny goes sideways.

Teacher:
[Vicky has walked out of the class and left the pram with her baby in behind] Vicky aren't you going to take your baby?

Vicky Pollard:
No don't worry I've got loads at home.

Vicky Pollard:
What did you do that for, you total virgin!

Vicky Pollard:
Stop giving me evils!

Meera:
Instead of sugar use artificial sweetener in tea.

Marjorie Dawes:
Summin' about sugar.

Marjorie Dawes:
What advice can we give to Babara, to turn her tragic life around? Paul?

Fat Fighter:
[sighs] Cut out biscuits?

Marjorie Dawes:
Cut out biscuits! erm... Mary?

Meera:
Instead of sugar, use artificial sweetener in tea.

Marjorie Dawes:
Something about sugar, but I think the best advice any of us can give you, is to look at the person on the inside, because you're obviously a very unhappy person...

Barbara:
No, I'm not!

Marjorie Dawes:
Well, you deserve to be! I know Mum doesn't speak to you, but that's not for here... but as far as she's concerned, if you were knocked down by a bus tomorrow the world would be a better place!

Scottish Guy:
I'm hard yet soft, I am coloured yet clear, I am fruity and sweet, I am jelly... what am I?

Andy:
Yea, I know.

Narrator:
Those are buses, but anyway.

Narrator:
Britain, Britain, Britain. We've had running water for over ten years, we have a tunnel connecting us to Peru, and we invented the cat.

Narrator:
With nothing to watch but repeats on the telly of Doctor Who, Medics, and that episode of Blackadder II I was on, Lou and Andy go to rent a video.

Emily Howard:
But I am a lady, I do not have testicl?s!

Mrs. Williams:
Do these butt-plugs come with batteries?

Mrs. Williams:
[about Daffyd] I've said it before Vicar, and I'll say it again - what that boy needs is a nice big cock up his arse!

Narrator:
This is the home of romance novelist, Dame Sally. I've always wanted to write a book, but unfortunately I don't have a pen.

Vicky Pollard:
She's got her own council flat and three kids and she's only nine.

Mike:
Hey, you open for afternoon tea?

Scottish Guy:
Maybe I am and maybe I'm not [plays tune on flute]

Mike:
Oh, OK. [starts to walk out]

Scottish Guy:
No, no, I am, I am, please, sit down. [shows them to a table]

Mother:
Wow, isn't this an adorable place, Kimberly?

Kimberly:
It smells funny in here!

Scottish Guy:
I shall be back in a moment with the cake trolley. [puts his hand out and grabs the cake trolley] Here I am with the cake trolley.

Mother:
Mm, those look good, don't they honey?

Kimberly:
I want the chocolate cake.

Mother:
OK, OK, honey [to Scottish guy] Kimberly has a nut allergy. Do you know if the chocolate cake contains nuts?

Scottish Guy:
Yeeeeees.

Kimberly:
What, yes, you know, or yes, there are nuts?

Scottish Guy:
Yeeeeees.

Mike:
Well, which?

Scottish Guy:
[picks up a piece of cake and puts it to his ear] Carrot cake, carrot cake, have ye any nuts? [listens] The carrot cake contains? no nuts.

Scottish Guy:
[picks up another piece of cake to his ear] Lemon drizzle cake, lemon drizzle cake, have ye any nuts? [listens] The lemon drizzle cake contains... no nuts [plays flute] No nuts.

Scottish Guy:
[picks up chocolate cake to his ear] Chocolate cake, chocolate cake, have ye any nuts? [listens] [to Mike] He wants to speak to you.

Mike:
[takes cake, baffled, puts it to his ear and listens] Mike Kapalski?

Marjorie Dawes:
What else do we have cravings of? Yes, Meera.

Meera:
Fish and chips.

Marjorie Dawes:
I'm sorry?

Meera:
Fish and chips.

Marjorie Dawes:
Say again, sorry.

Meera:
Fish and chips.

Marjorie Dawes:
Oh, right, some dish we don't get over here. [writing down on wipeboard] Curry.

Roy:
You are being a little specifc, yes.

Mr Mann:
Ok, have you got any books...?

Roy:
Well, yes, we've got hundreds of them.

Mr Mann:
I'll take them please.

Roy:
Alright!

[begins stacking books into crate]

Roy:
You, er, you must really like reading!

Mr Mann:
Oh no, unfortunately I'm blind.

[Roy waves hand in front of Mr Mann's face]

Mr Mann:
[Mr Mann waves hand in front of Roy's face]

Denver Mills:
I'd like to welcome you all to the Annual Police Dinner. My name is Denver Mills and I am a former Olympic Silver Medallist. When I think about it, being an Olympic runner, is a lot like being a police officer-we both spend most of our running chasing after black guys, but the difference is I actually beat some of mine, not just BEAT them like you do. [Silence. Denver exits the stage with a bottle of alcohol]

[repeated line]

Lou:
And that's a right kerfuffle.

Narrator:
When people in Britain want to buy a pet, they go to a pet shop. If they want to buy a pet shop, they go to a pet shop shop. If they want to buy a pet shop shop, well, they're just being silly.

Dennis Waterman:
I'll do it... long as I get to write the theme tune, sing the theme tune...

Lou:
It's your birthday coming up, and I've booked a table up the Harvester.

Andy:
Yeah, I know.

Lou:
Is there anyone you want me to invite?

Andy:
George Michaels.

Lou:
George Michaels? We don't know him.

Andy:
Yeah, I know.

Lou:
I don't think he'd come. And besides, you don't like George Michaels. You said that "Jesus to a Child" aside, you found his output emotionally vapid.

Andy:
Yeah, I know.

Lou:
What about your brother, Declan?

Andy:
George Michaels!

George Michael:
Hello, Andy. [pause] Nice to meet you [pause]. Happy birthday.

Andy:
I don't like him. I want him to go. I prefer Tony Hadley.

Lou:
Sorry about this, George. You'd better go.

Andy:
Tell him that "Jesus to a Child" aside, I find his output emotionally vapid.

Matthew Waterhouse:
[comes into boarding room with trolley full of cereal boxes] I've got a few ideas for you! Nutty Nut Nuts! Real nuts coated in... wait for it...

[pours out box]

Matthew Waterhouse:
*Nuts*. How's that for starters?

Andy:
[about the kids who are mocking him] Someone should give them lot a smack.

Lou:
I thought you didn't like violence. You said it was the last bastion of moral cowardice.

Andy:
Yeah, I know...

Narrator:
Until a law is passed to imprison fat people, they are free to roam our streets and attend slimmers' clubs like this one...

Jeremy Rent:
[to Dennis Waterman about his role in a stage production of Macbeth] No, it's straight theatre. No music. So what do you think?

[pause]

Dennis Waterman:
[singing]

Dennis Waterman:
Mr. Macbeth is a naughty ma-an, do do do do / He gone and killed anudder ma-an, do do do do / I hath a good idea / Just thou keep me near / I'll be so go-od for the Scottish play...

Jeremy Rent:
I'll tell 'em you're busy...

Narrator:
Swimming pools in Britain have very strict rules - no bombing, no petting, no ducking and no fondue parties.

Narrator:
British justice is the best in the world. Anyone who disagrees is either gay, a woman or a mental.

Social Worker:
Vicky, where is your baby?

Vicky Pollard:
Swapped it for a Westlife CD.

Social Worker:
Vicky, how could you do such a thing?

Vicky Pollard:
I know. They're rubbish.

Ray McCooney:
[tax people have come for money] What if I give ye six magic beans?

Tax Woman:
[rolls eyes] Not interested

Ray McCooney:
*Seven* magic beans?

Sebastian:
Prime Minister, look out! [pushes Prime Minister onto couch]

Primeminster:
What is it?

Sebastian:
I thought there was a sniper but there isn't.

Primeminster:
Oh... can you get off me now?

Sebastian:
Give it a minute.

Carol Beer:
Computer says no.

Marjorie Dawes:
Oooooh, I love a bit of cake. Oooooh, cake. Oooooh, cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. Cake. I'm just one of these people. I come home and I need a piece of cake.

Bus Conductor:
Look, I've warned you before. If you don't have a ticket you're gonna have to get off.

Vicky Pollard:
Oh, my God! That is so unfair! This is like, well sexual harassment! If you like, fancy me why don't you just say so? God, this is exactly like the time Miss Rennig, who everyone knows is a total lesbian, made Candice Burton stay behind after PE, started telling her off for gobbing on Sunita Geschwani's hair. But everyone knows she only made her stay late because she wanted to get off with her, cuz when she was telling her off her legs were wide open and Candice reckons she could see her spider.

Vicky Pollard:
No, but yeah, but no, because if you don't let me in then Blazin' Squad are well gonna give you beatings because I've actually already met them already anyway, actually, down at the Radio 1 Roadshow at Weston Super-Mare!

[to friend]

Vicky Pollard:
You remember, it was the time I got fingered by Chris Mars and Hayley Evers reckons she saw Joe Wylans taking a dump in the sea.

[to bouncer]

Vicky Pollard:
But, anyway I have met Blazin' Squad and they said I should definitely come backstage and see 'em and do 'em, and anyway I do know them already because I'm their assistant. And if Rowan Gordon says I'm not then don't listen to him because everyone knows he's mental because he once shoved his knob through Miss Mayal's letterbox.

Police Officer:
You do know it's an offence to waste police time?

Vicky Pollard:
No, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I'm not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he's been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don't tell Bethany that because she's fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Ec'.

Narrator:
[about fat people, under his breath] Greedy f***ers!

Marjorie Dawes:
Now crisps are high in fat, but they're also low in protein and low in fibre! See, it's not all bad!

Vicky Pollard:
Shut up, you two-faced virgin!

[repeated line]

Bubbles:
Call me Bubbles, dear, everyone does!

Marjorie Dawes:
What advice can we give to Christopher to help him lose weight? Paul!

Paul:
Eat healthily?

Marjorie Dawes:
Oh that's rich coming from you. Pat!

Pat:
Don't eat too much chocolate!

Marjorie Dawes:
What do you mean, don't eat too much chocolate, all the other kids hate him, chocolates the only friend he's got. And last but not least, Meera!

Meera:
Exercise?

Marjorie Dawes:
What? Sorry?

Meera:
Exercise.

Marjorie Dawes:
Say it again?

Meera:
Oh, forget it.

Marjorie Dawes:
Can't understand her, can you? Anyway, I think the most important thing you can do, is get a bit of exercise! Yeah?

Narrator:
Of course, I don't mean the real Prime Minister, I mean that guy from Buffy...

Vicky Pollard:
Who the Hollyoaks Omnibus is that?

Marjorie Dawes:
[to Fat Pat] Fat cow! Fat cow! Fat cow! [stops, looks to women in doorframe] Oh, sorry love, new member? Take your seat and I'll see to you in a minute, now where was I? Oh, yeah, fat cow! Fat cow!

Prime Minister's Helper:
Prime Minister, I'd just like to say...

Sebastian:
[dancing with Prime Minister; mouths] F*** off!

Pat:
[Marjorie is orange from her holiday] A Satsuma.

Marjorie Dawes:
Yeah, that's not really bad for you though, is it?

Pat:
No, but it is orange.

[repeated lines]

Roy:
Margaret! Margaret! [long pause]

Margaret:
Yes!

Margaret:
Roy! Roy! [long pause]

Roy:
Yes!

Lou:
[Andy has just rolled all over his freshly-cemented patio that Lou has just done] Who did this?

Andy:
A bird.

Daffyd:
Ma. Da. There's something I need to tell you both. I am... [deep breath]

Father:
Asthmatic?

Daffyd:
No! I am... a gay! Oh!

Mother:
Very nice.

Father:
Yeah, good for you, lad. Oh, it says here that the bucket had a chrome handle.

Daffyd:
So you don't mind?

Father:
No.

Daffyd:
So you're not going disown me and cast me asunder?

Mother:
Eh? Oh, no. Quite frankly, we did had an inkling. [washes Daffyd's gay clothes]

Maggie:
[tastes some Jam] Ummmm! This is nice. Who made this?

Judy:
Emma Shepherd. The one who's run off with the school mistress.

Maggie:
[pukes] Oh, Judy. No more lesbian jam. I can't keep it down!

[repeated line]

Ting Tong:
Hello, Mr. Dudly.

Meals on wheels woman:
Do you have yesterday's plates?

Sir Bernard Chumly:
Oh, yes. [he lifts up his cushion and picks up the plates]

Meals on wheels woman:
We do insist they're returned clean. [Chumly licks the plate]

Student councillor lady:
[On the phone, describing the student sat opposite her, who is of restricted growth] You know Paul. Everyone knows Paul. How can I describe him? Shoulder-length brown hair. Wears a lot of jewellery. Looks *up* a lot. Gets his clothes from Mothercare. That's it - the Oompa Loompa. [Can't see why Paul looks annoyed. Starts humming the Ooompa Loompa song as he stomps out]

Various Roles:
Bridal Shop Clerk - What sort of dress are you looking for?

Various Roles:
Eddie Emily Howard - Ohh, a lady's dress that ladies wear. White of course, with frilly bits... and sh*t.

Narrator:
And so we conclude our journey around Little Britain. Tonight's program has ended a little sooner than usual because I need to do a poo now. Good Bye Bye!

Narrator:
This upper class family are meeting their wedding caterer. If you're not sure which class you are, simply pull back your foreskin; where you'll find the word, "lower", "middle" or "upper."

Narrator:
At this supermarket in Slaughter, stage hypnotist Kenny Craig has just finished his shopping. Supermarkets were introduced into Britain to destroy small businesses and create a sense of social alienation.

Narrator:
There are hundreds of dogs in Britain. The biggest, the Blue Setter, is as tall as the Houses of Parliament. The smallest, the Boodle, is invisible to the naked eye.

Vicky Pollard:
Who the Hollyoaks omnibus is that?

Vicky's gang member #1:
Chantelle Baker's gang.

Vicky Pollard:
Who or sumthin or nuffin?

Vicky's gang member #2:
They live down St.Pauls.

Vicky Pollard:
No, but, yeh, but, no, but,, what are they doin' on our patch or sumthin' or nuffin' or sorta like thing coz they is well gonna get beat-ins!

Vicky's gang member #3:
Cool it Vicky, they're well hard.

Vicky's gang member #1:
Yeerh, they give the Rettinen Sisters a bog wash.

Vicky Pollard:
They don't scare me. Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm just Vicky Pollard from round the corner from the block. V to the P to the icky to the ollard. Ohmigod. This is well hectic!

Vicky Pollard:
Hey you, what you doin' on our patch, you total bunch of mingin' dog b*tches!

[a dancing match follows, which is ended when Vicky boldly steps up to one of the gang members and and gives her a nipple-cripple]

Vicky Pollard:
We is well the best dancers.

Teacher:
If you were a young person who wishes to eat awfully chili for 3 years and then spend the rest of your life in debt why don't go to university.

Mrs Teal:
Oh, are you standing in the by election, Daffyd?

Daffyd:
It's not just a bi election, it's for gays and straights too! Anyone can vote, regardless of sexuality. Honestly, it's like bangin' your head against a brick wall!

Daffyd:
Anyway, seeing as I am the only gay in the village, I shouldn't think anyone would be remotely interested. Good day.

Mrs Teal:
Oh no, lots of folk around here drop anchor in poo bay.

Mrs Teal:
Good luck, Daffyd. You can count on my support.

Daffyd:
Really?

Mrs Teal:
Oh yes, I'm all for gay rights. In fact I myself drink from the furry cup.

Various Roles:
Eddie Howard - I press flowers and stroke kittens and swim in rivers wearing dresses and hats... and sh*t.

Narrator:
School is where tomorrow adults, or 'children', are harvested.

Various Roles:
Mr. Cleaves - Edward II divided by Richard V equals... anybody... no... no... equals Hydrogen Peroxide.

Gay Spock:
I tell you dear, he was hung like a Klingon!

Narrator:
10 Downing Street is the home of the Prime Minister. The Prime Minister is like, this guy who's like, in charge of like, the whole country.

Narrator:
Small children in Britain are notoriously stupid and must attend schools.

Narrator:
Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having a meeting with the Chancellor of the Exchequer. Of course, when I say the Prime Minister I don't mean the real Prime Minister; I just mean that guy out of BUFFY.

Various Roles:
Denver Mills - Evening all. You know when I was a lad I always dreamed of going into the force. But maybe being an Olympic athlete isn't so different from being a police officer. First of all, we both get a lot of practice running after black guys. The difference is; I beat some of mine. I mean, caught up with them, not beat them like you do. [chuckles nervously]... I'll just go.

Narrator:
Britain. Britain. Britain. Land of fish and fries. The changing of the garden. Trooping the coloureds. But have you ever wondered about the people of Britain? Nor have I. But this show aims to find out by following the lives of ordinary British folk. What is them? Who do they? And why?

Vicky Pollard:
No but, but yeah, but no, because you know Albany, well she said I've been going around saying Samina's got a moustache, which she has, but I never said it. But anyway Paul Murphy told Yasmin that I showed him my tit on a school trip to Wookey Hole. But I never; I just showed him my wookey hole.