Lou Grant

Billie Newman:
I hate it when people tell me to calm down!

Charlie Hume:
[a tremor shakes the church during Lou's disastrous eulogy] Quake.

Margaret Pynchon:
Or the wrath of God...

Lou Grant:
[having just had a small earthquake] Take a look at the damage out near Palmdale, take the Animal with you.

Joe Rossi:
Why me?

Lou Grant:
Because if the Earth opens up, I want you to be there.

Lou Grant:
[Lou is the only one in the office rattled after a small earthquake] You know, that was my first quake.

Charlie Hume:
We all have to lose it sometime, Lou.

Joe Rossi:
Come on, Lou, cockroaches?

Lou Grant:
I've read about lots of scientific research going on about animals sensing quakes before people do.

Joe Rossi:
Yeah, but cockroaches are just barely animals.

Lou Grant:
They're just barely insects, but maybe you'll find a funny angle on it.

Lou Grant:
Duncan was with a woman when he died.

Billie Newman:
He was In Flagrante Delicto?

Art Donovan:
What does that mean?

Billie Newman:
It means he died with her boots on.

Hotel Manager:
You're not gonna print the name of the hotel, now are you? I mean, eh, I mean there's just no need to bring this favor to an L.A. institution.

Lou Grant:
Good point. We'll just say that he died in an unspecified fleabag on 120 West 14 street.

Ralph Tumora:
People don't give cockroaches credit for having sensitivity.

Joe Rossi:
That's true. I never have.

The Animal:
If you ever need any more, I've got loads of 'em in my kitchen.

Lou Grant:
[Lou has messed up a eulogy at Duncan Aldrige's funeral] It just didn't come out right.

Margaret Pynchon:
Nobody's blaming you...

Lou Grant:
[quietly] Thanks.

Margaret Pynchon:
...for the quake.

Lou Grant:
What do you do when guys cling to you?

Billie Newman:
Well, mostly I cling back.

Art Donovan:
What happened to your hand?

The Animal:
I was in Rossi's place, feeding his dog. Dog bit me.

Art Donovan:
Oh, better take the dog to the vet, get it checked for rabies.

The Animal:
Then what?

Art Donovan:
Well, if the tests are positive, you'll have to be destroyed.

The Animal:
[a beat] That's good, Art, that's real good.

Art Donovan:
You really look beat, Lou.

Lou Grant:
I should be. I haven't slept in three nights. There's this bird in a tree outside my window.

Art Donovan:
What kind of a bird?

Lou Grant:
Inconsiderate.

Art Donovan:
Mrs. Pynchon is very interested in endangered species.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, that's why she owns a newspaper.

Lou Grant:
[to Billie] I was gonna send you out, but since your hair is wet, I won't. I don't wanna give the paper a bad name.

Lou Grant:
Me, speak French? I ordered 'escargot' once and I ended up with a plate full of snails!

Lou Grant:
Listen Pearson, I realize that you'd love a paper that's nothing but advertising from front to back. But every once in a while I get a crazy whim, to stick in a story here and there.

Lou Grant:
I got a call this morning from a guy who figured out a way to run his car on apple brandy. He says the oil companies and the FBI are buying up all the apple brandy to put him out of business.

Art Donovan:
Apple brandy? Isn't brandy more expensive than gasoline? And why apple brandy, why not pear brandy or plum wine or aquavite?

Lou Grant:
All good questions. Next time he calls, I'll let you talk to him.

Charlie Hume:
[Lou has found some kind of romance novel on his computer] Boy, this stuff is really putrid. What are we gonna do?

Animal:
Go on to the next page.

Charlie Hume:
Good idea...

Charlie Hume:
I wonder what happened to her between Armand and Sergei...

Lou Grant:
Plenty, if she's going in alphabetical order.

Vern Eggly:
The reason I asked you all here is: I think I know where the mystery memoirs are coming from and I think we have a suspect.

Lou Grant:
Colonel Mustard.

Art Donovan:
In the library.

Charlie Hume:
With the candlestick.

Vern Eggly:
Ok, ok, now, now, now what do we know? One: someone on the Trib is writing cheesy, sexy memoirs. Two: no editor has assigned anyone to write cheesy, sexy memoirs. Three: the retrieval code is close enough to our computer language, so that the cheesy, sexy memoirs have been showing up on Lou's terminal and later on Adam's.

Lou Grant:
Vern, just tell us who's writing the cheesy, sexy memoirs.

Vern Eggly:
Don't you wanna hear how I figured it out?

Charlie Hume:
No.

Vern Eggly:
You really want me to just, tell you?

Lou Grant:
Yeah.

Vern Eggly:
It's Joe Rossi.

Lou Grant:
[stands up] Rossi?

Art Donovan:
Ok, Vern, I wanna know how you know that.

Vern Eggly:
I just walked by his terminal, he's doing it right now.

Terry Mills:
h, did Christine marry Dirk, or did she run off with his brother?

Edna Raines:
Oh, Dirk got tuberculosis right before the wedding...

Edna Raines:
Oh...

Edna Raines:
...and now she's nursing him back to health, and Dirk's brother is having an affair with little Kevin's governess.

Terry Mills:
What did I tell you?

Edna Raines:
Uhuh, you called it.

Lou Grant:
If it had nothing to do with Art Donovan, would we even be considering it?

Charlie Hume:
You bet we would!

Lou Grant:
Ah...

Charlie Hume:
A co-ed, an art student, killed in her apartment by a guy who was just released from a state hospital? You bet your rear end we'd cover it, we would be all over it!

Joe Rossi:
You know Danny Richilin?

Lou Grant:
Yeah, he's the Journal's Hong Kong buro chief.

Joe Rossi:
Yeah, well, he just finished six months in Beijing, which was formerly Peking.

Lou Grant:
I know, as in 'Beijing Duck'.

Charlie Hume:
Art, this is a dificult situation...

Art Donovan:
[angry] Is it? You certainly found an easy solution!

Charlie Hume:
We can't back away from this story because the suspect happens to be your cousin.

Lou Grant:
What's the penalty for second degree murder?

Billie Newman:
Five, six or seven years.

Joe Rossi:
Fifteen years to life.

Billie Newman:
No Rossi, it's a determinant sentence.

Joe Rossi:
A lawyer told me!

Billie Newman:
A lawyer told me, they just changed the law.

Joe Rossi:
That's right and you have the old numbers.

Lou Grant:
Hold it, hold it! Remind me not to ask you guys questions unless you can agree on the anwers.

Joe Rossi:
Lou, this party I'm having for Danny Richilin in a couple of weeks is getting really big.

Lou Grant:
[unenthousiastic] Terrific. You want me to bring something?

Joe Rossi:
No, no, no that's ok, but there is one thing you can do, though...

Lou Grant:
What?

Joe Rossi:
Can you let me have it at your place?

Lou Grant:
[unpleasantly surprised] My place?

Joe Rossi:
Well, yeah, I just got this small apartment. You've got a dining room, a living room...

Lou Grant:
[getting angry] That's true!

Joe Rossi:
Good. Someday, if you throw a small party, you can have it at my place.

Lou Grant:
[Rossi borrowed Billie's contact book without asking] Rossi, a nice reporter does not do a thing like that. Now if you ever touch her book again, I'm personally gonna roll all your fingers through the typewriter.

Billie Newman:
How do they get the babies in the first place?

McIntyre:
Advertise for 'em.

Lou Grant:
Advertise? What magazines do babies read?

Joe Rossi:
Lou, she went out of her way to make me sound like a bum.

Lou Grant:
Did she have to go far out of her way?

Lou Grant:
Any questions?

Charlie Hume:
Yeah. How the hell am I gonna get ten thousand dollars out of Mrs. Pynchon?

Mrs. Pynchon:
[cut to Mrs. Pynchon in her office] Ten thousand dollars? That's a one followed by four zero's!

Mrs. Pynchon:
Matthew and I were never able to have a child of our own, although we very much wanted one. He always hoped that someday we might... get lucky. Well, if we had adopted, I would've had someone to take over this newspaper.

Charlie Hume:
Sorry, Mrs. Pynchon.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Oh, cheer up, Mr. Hume. Maybe I'll adopt you.

Billie Newman:
[on phone in sleazy hotel] Nothing. There's nothing to do. We watched a movie on television...

Lou Grant:
[on other line, at home] You're just like me. As soon as I get into a hotel I start watching old movies. What'd you see?

Billie Newman:
"Swinging in the Rain" and "What Happened to Bonnie".

Lou Grant:
What's that, a whodunit?

Billie Newman:
No, no... this movie is more like an 'everybody done it'.

Billie Newman:
I'll tell you, Lou, next time I do a story like this, It'll be a lot faster if I just had the baby myself.

Lou Grant:
[to street kid] If you open up your mouth to me once more, I'll put you in my taco!

Joe Rossi:
Torrid. How can a guy say something like 'Torrid Tuesday' in a news story?

Art Donovan:
It's a weather report.

Joe Rossi:
Sounds like the title of an adult movie.

Joe Rossi:
[about Delgado] He's not very popular with the County supervisors. Steps on a lotta big toes, doesn't answer phone calls, doesn't do the paperwork...

Billie Newman:
Well, maybe he's doing more important things...

Joe Rossi:
They also think he's high-handed, arrogant, abbrasive. All qualities which I admire.

Joe Rossi:
[to Billie] When you're good, you're good. That barrio shooting piece was... not bad.

Lou Grant:
Listen, eh... I got kind of a date tonight, eh... where's a nice place I could take someone for dinner?

Art Donovan:
You want, eh, seductive or funky?

Lou Grant:
I want steak!

Billie Newman:
Was that kid saying they shot up Henry's house because they didn't want any more trouble?

Lou Grant:
[on phone] Yeah, I know. You're looking for a job. How would you like mine?

Joe Lombardi:
Mr. McCovey, you're unhappy to see me and you're right. I don't blame you, I'm a professional nuisance.

Art Donovan:
[Lou is wearing a suit and tie and putting on his jacket] Where are you going?

Lou Grant:
To the beach.

Art Donovan:
Don't forget your shovel and pail.

Art Donovan:
You worried about something?

Billie Newman:
Why?

Art Donovan:
You're tense. You're tapping out an S.O.S. on my shoulder.

Art Donovan:
[after putting down phone] Cops are saying it was that blankety blank newspaper story that did it.

Lou Grant:
Do I get to fill in the blanks?

Joe Rossi:
Hey, just because the Everly Brothers aren't your style, doesn't man you can duck an assignment.

Bryan Dunne:
Then we keep the guy but duck the problem pieces?

Lou Grant:
Can I give you a full answer to that proposal so you'll understand it?

Bryan Dunne:
Yeah.

Lou Grant:
No.

Art Donovan:
Rossi smells blood...

Lou Grant:
It's nice to see him happy again.

Lou Grant:
[about betting on the Earthquake pool] Mrs. Pynchon, it costs a dollar to get in.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Why, are you suggesting I'm not good for the money, Mr. Grant?

Marcy:
[having to come up with a computer passcode] The code that they gave me at Long Beach was so dumb, I don't ever wanna hear or say that word again. [giggles]

Art Donovan:
What was it?

Marcy:
Cupcake...

Art Donovan:
[laughs] That's not so bad. I'm sorry.

Marcy:
I want my new code to express the kind of job I do.

Art Donovan:
Hm. Barraduca? No, that's too many letters.

Marcy:
You pick. Something that really discribes me.

Art Donovan:
Ten.

Marcy:
You have a way with numbers.

Lou Grant:
The entire area gets blacked out and Rossi takes it personaly.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[having a meeting by candle light due to a blackout] Well, this is certainly a romantic setting for a press conference.

Lou Grant:
Mrs. Pynchon, in this light, you look just like Lauren Bacall.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Well, thank you, Mr. Grant. So do you. [giggles like a school girl]

Charlie Hume:
Well, in a normal emergency, everything would've be fine.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Emergencies are seldom normal.

Billie Newman:
This is terrific.

Lou Grant:
It's better than terrific! Hm!

Mrs. Pynchon:
What on earth are you eating?

Lou Grant:
Soup. It used to be ice cream.

Charlie Hume:
We liberated it from the cafeteria. You have your choice of Vanilla Fudge, Rocky Road or Neopolitan.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Which do you suppose goes best with cognac?

Lou Grant:
Anything goes with cognac.

Joe Rossi:
I was lecturing at a journalism seminar at USLA: "Men, Minds and the Media".

Art Donovan:
Which were you?

Joanie Hume:
Joe, who are you with tonight?

Joe Rossi:
What do you mean?

Joanie Hume:
Well, you don't seem to be here with me.

Art Donovan:
You'd need the resources of the US government to make an atomic bomb. Or the Russian government. Or at least the Indian government. In any case, a government.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, I would. I got a D in high school chemistry. But what about those guys with glasses, always went around campus carrying briefcases with the slide rules dangling from their belt loops, I thought they were building bombs even then!

Art Donovan:
Some of them probably grew up to be bomb makers and they work for the government.

Lou Grant:
[about bomb building] One guy says you can do it, the other guy says you can get the stuff, maybe you should introduces these two to each other?

Billie Newman:
Jack, let's have dinner together tonight.

Jack Ridgeway:
Ok. Pick a place, and if it's still standing this evening, we'll go there.

Joe Rossi:
Croatia is South of Slovenia and North of Bosnia.

Lou Grant:
What's that from, the Lord of the Rings?

Charlie Hume:
[about his daughter and her boyfriends] I never interfered. I tried... but she would never listen to me.

Lou Grant:
[on phone at the Trib] Mr. Hume, this is the Los Angeles Tribune. We just wanted to know what the temperature is in West L.A. this morning.

Charlie Hume:
[on other line, at home] Hotter than hell and going up.

Lou Grant, Paul Newman:
Well, Mr. Newman...

Paul Newman:
Oh, please, Paul.

Art Donovan:
Paul Newman... haven't I heard that name somewhere before?

Paul Newman:
Well, there's a, there's a minister in Rapid City by that name.

Art Donovan:
I guess he's the one...

Lou Grant:
[on phone] Hello Mrs. Pynchon. Eh, listen, can I call you back? We've got a fire story breaking here.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[on other line on payphone] I know you have a fire story breaking, I'm right in the middle of it.

Lou Grant:
Where are you?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Your re-write man ordered me to stand by. Oh, Mr. Grant, it's so eerie here. [stammers] Eh, Th-th-the heavy smoke is starting to blot out the sun and it seems to be snowing ashes.

Lou Grant:
Mrs. Pynchon, I'd like to countermand those orders he gave you. With all due respect, I'd like you to hang up, get in your car and get the hell outta there.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Oh, Mr. Grant, thank you. I, I think I'd like to do that. [hangs up]

Lou Grant:
They saved Charlie's house.

Art Donovan:
Adam wasn't so lucky. All that's left of his is the chimney.

Billie Newman:
Did you run out of new column ideas?

Hal Hennecker:
I ran out of new column ideas in June. [a beat] 1963.

Joe Rossi:
[Calectronics has taken out an ad in the Tribune to counter an article by Rossi] Oh, you saw the add. Ain't it great?

Lou Grant:
You think that's great?

Joe Rossi:
Yeah, they mentioned my name.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[about Calectronics' add in the Tribune] This is not circumvention. It is not even intimidation. This is an act of war.

Rick Havens:
[about the Tribune's article about Calectronics] This isn't a newspaper, it's a scandal sheet!

Lou Grant:
Relax... I think that bending over backwards now and then is pretty good exercise for a newspaper.

Charlie Hume:
[Billie is covering a hostage situation on the spot] This is good stuff that Billie is sending in, but why didn't she interview that father who offered to change places with his kids?

Art Donovan:
Where'd you get that?

Charlie Hume:
Peggy Daye just interviewed him on Channel 6.

Lou Grant:
[sarcastic] Well, why don't you turn the volume up real loud, Charlie, we'll just copy it down.

Charlie Hume:
[slightly miffed] I merely mentioned it. [leaves]

Lou Grant:
[Linda is keeping an eye on the TV news coverage while working at her desk] What happened?

Linda:
They have gone back to regular programming, but they'll cut to live coverage again...

Lou Grant:
[interrupting] I don't mean what happened on the TV, I mean at the restaurant.

Billie Newman:
[in phone booth on the scene] Everything is just sort of on hold here, Lou. Some of these parents are beside themselves.

Lou Grant:
[on other line at the City Desk] I can imagine... [notices something on TV covering the same story] Eh... wait a minute, Billie. Why is the, eh... why is the Swat team leaving?

Billie Newman:
[springs into action] You tell me. I didn't know they were. You seem to have a better seat than I have. [hangs up]

Adam Wilson:
[watching the TV news coverage of the hostage situation] Well, so much for the home edition.

Joe Rossi:
Yeah, the whole city's having breakfast and watching this.

Art Donovan:
You mean they're not sitting there glued to their newspapers waiting for further developments?

Lou Grant:
TV wins this round, no contest.

Joe Rossi:
TV is showbiz. They just go for the fastest, most sensational stuff. I don't trust anybody in TV. [glances at Lou] I didn't say anything about people who used to be in it.

Charlie Hume:
[Lou and Charlie are surprised to see Mrs. Pynchon in the break room] Mrs. Pynchon. We don't often see you in here.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Well, the last time was in 1977. It doesn't seem to have changed much.

Lou Grant:
Some of the sandwiches are new.

Lou Grant:
You missed your calling, Charlie. You would've made a top notch psychiatrist.

Charlie Hume:
No need to be sarcastic.

Lou Grant:
Or a detective, even.

Charlie Hume:
It was merely an observation.

Art Donovan:
American people simply will not vote for a man who wears make-up or dyes his hair.

Lou Grant:
The peole want subtlety, let them read The Newyorker. Our job is to spell things out.

Billie Newman:
[upset with Lou] So when something I write gets changed around to satisfy someones notion obout what makes good copy, it makes me... [searches for a word]... it makes me furious.

Lou Grant:
Livid, right? Outraged.

Billie Newman:
Damn it, now you're even rewriting my yelling at you!

Laurel Gough:
Ray didn't tell me that you were coming. I hope the guard in the lobby didn't give you trouble?

Billie Newman:
Hm, no, I always look like I know where I'm going, even when I don't. [smiles]

Laurel Gough:
I'll tell Ray you're here. I'll tell the guard you're here, too.

Billie Newman:
Maybe you'd also better tell Ray that I write for the Tribune.

Laurel Gough:
[catches on] Oh... I'll see if he's in.

Billie Newman:
[having identified a bunch of names as baseball players] Well, they all have their signatures on a baseball at K.D.F. properties offices. And I have a hunch that they all have something to do with Horsehide Enterprises.

Lou Grant:
They certainly do. Horsehide is a slang expression for baseball.

Billie Newman:
Yeah?

Art Donovan:
That's what baseballs are made out of.

Billie Newman:
[sadly] Horses?

Art Donovan:
No, probably old, unhappy horses.

Billie Newman:
Would you at least let me get an interview out of this?

Ted McCovey:
Sure, if you drive me back to my hotel.

Billie Newman:
They make you Man of the Year and they don't give you a ride?

Ted McCovey:
I tell 'em I only need a car one way. Ballplayers can always get a lift back.

Lou Grant:
Was the safe unlocked at any time when they were here?

Vern Eggly:
No.

Lou Grant:
You're sure?

Vern Eggly:
The safe was always locked.

Lou Grant:
[relieved] Oh, that's good.

Vern Eggly:
But there's nothing in it.

Lou Grant:
There isn't? Where's your codebook?

Vern Eggly:
It's right here. [picks up a large book lying on top of a computer terminal]

Lou Grant:
You're supposed to keep that in a safe!

Vern Eggly:
It won't fit in the safe.

Art Donovan:
[Billie is telling Art she broke up with Ted] Billie, you got a lot of friends out there.

Billie Newman:
I know.

Art Donovan:
Don't pick me to tell this to. I'm the least good person to be listening to how some no-neck's got you tied up in knots.

Joe Rossi:
You know Ernie, you're the most arrogant, overbearing kid I ever met. I think that's why I like you.

Charlie Hume:
Heh, whatever happened to having the controversial stuff in the editorial page, and the funny stuff in the comics?

Art Donovan:
I don't know, sometimes the editorial page could be pretty funny. [fake laughter from Charlie and a smile from Lou]

Joe Rossi:
Will he remember you?

Lou Grant:
Are you kidding? Of course he'll remember me. We spend a lotta time together. Great time! I wrecked his car once.

Marilyn Keefer:
Well, they've taken away my whole reading list. I've- pretty soon the only book I'll be able to use around here is the Telephonebook.

Hank Selby:
I ain't had nothing good to say about politics since Nixon left office.

Joe Rossi:
Oh, you really like Nixon, huh?

Hank Selby:
No, I liked it when he left office.

Hank Selby:
There's no TV in the room, but you're welcome to watch that one any time. [indicating the TV set in hotel lobby]

Joe Rossi:
Oh, thanks, I think I'll just find myself an uncharred book and read myself to sleep.

Marilyn Keefer:
There are teachers in their classrooms who are terrified of saying the wrong thing. There are rumors that the intercoms are being used as two-way listening devices.

Joe Rossi:
That sounds like '1984'.

Marilyn Keefer:
Well, these students wouldn't know that, that's one of the books they banned.

Marilyn Keefer:
[having lost her teaching job, Marilyn is now working as a waitress] You know, really I sould be grateful to the Paul Revere Society for one thing.

Joe Rossi:
What's that?

Marilyn Keefer:
Before they came along, this place was topless.

Joe Rossi:
Funny with me, whenever I see a naked guy climbing a church, I get curious.

Lou Grant:
Is my neck on the line just so that Arnold Zinner can keep undressing women in public?

Billie Newman:
What on earth are you trying to do, Marcus? When we're pitching a story to Lou is not the time to show your insecurity about it.

Marcus Prescott:
I just told him what I felt, I don't think we have enough.

Joe Rossi:
Not enough? How much do you need? I know guys who have won the Pulitzer prize on less than this.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[referring to Rossi] Now just what do you intend to do to discipline that young man?

Lou Grant:
[calm] Leave it to me. When you're dealing with a man of his talents, you have to be careful. He's very high strung, very temperamental. but he can be handled. It's a matter of understanding human psychology. I know how his mind works and therefore I know the right, psychological level on which to approach him. [cut to Lou and Rossi in Lou's office]

Lou Grant:
[shouting] I'm gonna kill you, Rossi!

Joe Rossi:
Lets not make irresponsible threats.

Lou Grant:
It's not irresponsible, it's carefully thought out: I'm going to kill you.

Joe Rossi:
Look, Lou...

Lou Grant:
Now, not physically you understand, as much as I'd enjoy it, no I'm going to kill you intelectually, I'm gonna break your spirit.

Malcolm Findlay:
You caught me on a slow day and I only have five of those a week.

Billie Newman:
Spending money is like swimming. Once you learn, you never forget.

Lou Grant:
I like buying toys.

Billie Newman:
That's lucky for your granddaughter.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, it works out nicely. She likes breaking toys.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Well, it's Christmas Eve again... do you ever get the feeling, that whoever is in charge of the time machine, is turning that handle just a tiny bit faster every year.

Charlie Hume:
Seems like yesterday was summer.

Lou Grant:
It was. It was 85 degrees.

Mildred Colbert:
Don't you read the papers?

Billie Newman:
I try to, but my work gets in the way.

Lou Grant:
What, did you want the job?

Art Donovan:
Oh no. I'm not good at criticizing people. Even now, I can't think of a way to tell you what a bad decision you've just made.

Joe Rossi:
You, you wanna sit here?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Well, I usually make a point of avoiding people who eat sugar puffs for diner, but, eh, I'd like to, yes.

Mrs. Pynchon:
You're here...

Joe Rossi:
Hi, Mrs. Pynchon.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I figured you'd be getting fitted for a suit of armor.

Joe Rossi:
Now you tell me!

Clerk:
And it seems that there's been a mistake on your bill.

Lou Grant:
How can that be? I'm just now checking in.

Clerk:
I don't know. But it says here that a waiter overcharged you five dollars on your bar bill this noon. We've given you a credit.

Lou Grant:
I wasn't here this noon.

Clerk:
Oh? Isn't this your signature?

Lou Grant:
No. It's my name, but it's not my signature.

Clerk:
Oh, how embarrassing.

Joe Rossi:
Oh, that's not gonna work, Billie, you can't penetrate that network, they're so paranoid.

Billie Newman:
Well, if you blunder in, you might scare them off. But there are some people on this paper that know a thing or two about finesse.

Joe Rossi:
Who? [Billie opens her mouth to answer, then thinks better of it]

Jack Riley:
Now, now, Lou, let's try to be fair and just here.

Lou Grant:
If we wanted to be fair and just here, Jack, the cops would've arrested you.

Jack Riley:
Yeah, well, let's just remember who was right about that waiter, Lou, you heard it here first.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, big deal, once in twenty years you're on the level.

Jack Riley:
You know, you wound me when you talk that way.

Charlie Hume:
How can I relax? Not only might there be a kidnapping tonight, but I haven't been able to line up a speaker. I mean, what, what's everybody gonna say when I get up there tonight and say "Sorry, ladies and gentlemen, we haven't got a closing speaker".

Lou Grant:
They'll probably give you a standing ovation.

Charlie Hume:
Oh.

Lou Grant:
Maybe even carry you out of the room on their shoulders.

Robert Dennehy:
[about a pretty blond crossing the street] What do you think, dancer?

Dave Tynan:
Hmmm... stewardess.

Robert Dennehy:
No, violates F.A.A rules. Turns sideways, she'd unbalance the plane.

Dave Tynan:
So just how much backup do you think I could get if all the other officers knew I was gay?

Lou Grant:
Are you gonna tell me that today the...

Dave Tynan:
[interrupting] Look, Lou, today's cops hate gays and gays hate cops and the public isn't crazy about cops or gays.

[first lines]

Lou Grant:
You free?

Cab Driver:
[cab driver wakes up from snoozing] Free as anyone is, today, pal.

Lou Grant:
Excuse me, can I have your name, please?

Tim Butterfield:
Why?

Lou Grant:
I'm not sure yet, indulge me.

Joe Rossi:
Hey gorgeous, you see my byline this morning? [Carla does not react] Hey! I'm talking to you.

Carla Mardigian:
Oh, I'm sorry, when you said 'gorgeous', I thought you were talking to yourself.

Charlie Hume:
You lost weight, didn't you?

Lou Grant:
About 40 pounds. I worked at it, now it's all off.

Charlie Hume:
I liked you better fat.

Lou Grant:
[a bit disgruntled] Everybody says that.

Charlie Hume:
[Lou is about to meet Mrs. Pynchon for the frist time] And don't mention you were working in television, she hates it.

Lou Grant:
Then what do I tell her I've been doing the last ten years?

Charlie Hume:
Tell her you were in jail.

Charlie Hume:
Naturally, your instincts in these matters, eh, are infallible.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Nonesense. Only my husband was infallible and he was wrong 60 per cent of the time.

Lou Grant:
[on phone] Driscoll, Lou Grant. How's it going?

George Driscoll:
[on other line] Oh, well, up and down, over and under, in and out, you can't complain.

Lou Grant:
Just check me. Is this an old fashioned notion of mine, that, when we find out things, we put them in our newspaper. Because if we find out things and just keep them to ourselves, we'd have all this empty white space in the morning.

Commander Phillips:
All I will tell you is that there were no 14 year old girls involved. Nor any 15 year olds, either.

Joe Rossi:
[grins] Well, that is interesting.

Commander Phillips:
Furthermore, not one of the parents has filed a complaint.

Joe Rossi:
Then I can savely say 16 year old girls were involved in the, eh...

Lou Grant:
[having received a phone call that Driscoll has fallen off the wagon] I guy I know fell down. I think I gave him the push.

Lou Grant:
[after being chewed out by Mrs. Pynchon] I feel like a tin roof in a hail storm.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Really? Well I hadn't even gotten to you yet.

Joe Rossi:
That's a good story, George. I wish I'd written it. As a matter of fact, it's so good, people will probably think I did.

Rudy:
[refusing to allow Billie Newman onto the Valley Studio lot] Come on, miss, you can't block the gate.

Joe Rossi:
Morning.

Rudy:
I'll be right with you, Mr. Rossi.

Joe Rossi:
It's ok, Rudy, she's with me.

Rudy:
Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Rossi.

Billie Newman:
Why are you saying you're sorry to him?

Billie Newman:
Isn't it a little early for beer?

Robustelli:
Early? I get up at three a.m. My day is half over.

Art Donovan:
Isn't eleven in the morning a little early for lunch?

Billie Newman:
My day's half over.

Jeff Lindsey:
What's really important to remember, is that even though you know that everything will end, you still make the most of it while it's happening.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I'm submitting my resignation to the board.

Lou Grant:
Do yourself a favor and don't mail it.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I don't aprove of what they did.

Lou Grant:
But if you're not there, who's going to fight them?

Lou Grant:
Coffee smells good for a change!

Art Donovan:
Oh, that's not the coffee. One of the electric typewriters short circuited. Caught on fire.

Lou Grant:
Ok, what's wrong?

Ellen:
What do you mean?

Lou Grant:
Burt not coming with you, what's wrong?

Ellen:
Why do you always jump to the conclusion that something's wrong? I mean, did it ever enter your mind that Burt didn't come with us because he's busy?

Lou Grant:
Is that it?

Ellen:
No. We're separating.

Art Donovan:
Oh hey, this is good: there's a colony of anteaters reported living in Beverly Hills. [smiles and looks at Lou] Wonder how they can afford it? [Lou does not reply] Probably just renting.

Charlie Hume:
Can you beat that? He murders his wife and then he says he's gonna sue us because we wrote about it.

Art Donovan:
Leading off for the day we have the finals for the Miss Nude Los Angeles Pageant. I had six reporters available, I sent Rosenthal.

Lou Grant:
Why Rosenthal?

Art Donovan:
'Cause he was the highest bidder.

Lou Grant:
You do that? Give money to bums? I dunno, usually I don't. I figure they, they're just gonna drink it.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Oh, I don't either, but, ehm, that poor fellow used to work for the Tribune.

Lou Grant:
Oooh, that's too bad.

Mrs. Pynchon:
He's a former City Editor. [Lou stops and looks at her, shocked] I'm just joking.

Ellen:
Hearing aid, why don't you just get him a badge that says "I'm deaf"?

Wendy:
Because a badge wouldn't help him to hear any better.

Lou Grant:
Nicky takes his lead from you, honey. If he thinks you can't accept him the way he is, how can he accept himself?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Operation Vamoosh is born, I feel the rumblings.

Lou Grant:
[sits down on side of George's bed in hospital room] Good evening, George.

George Driscoll:
Where's Elizabeth?

Lou Grant:
She went for coffee.

George Driscoll:
Well you go with her. You get out of here!

Lou Grant:
You wanna shout at me? Go ahead.

George Driscoll:
I said get out!

Lou Grant:
I mean it: scream, holler, throw a bedpan. Do anything you want, I'm not leaving. I'm one of those insensitive slobs who just doesn't care.

Lou Grant:
[Charlie has been acting very grumpy] Everything ok with you, Charlie?

Charlie Hume:
It is.

Lou Grant:
You wanna talk about it?

Charlie Hume:
What are you, the camp councilor? Go back to your tent.

Charlie Hume:
Did you interview the shrink or the patient?

Billie Newman:
Both.

Lou Grant:
That's not clear. Who's suing who?

Billie Newman:
Everyone. She's suing the doctor for malpractice for seducing her and he's got a counter suit claiming that she didn't follow his instructions.

Charlie Hume:
What kind of suit is dat?

Lou Grant:
Malpatient?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Barney's gone.

Charlie Hume:
Gone?

Art Donovan:
Maybe the Times' offered him more money and he went over to them.

Joe Rossi:
You think we would've heard about something like this eventually.

Jim Lawrence:
Looks like you have.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I don't like that sort of thing when people say dogs are people. Barney was just a dog... but you know, he was... such good company.

Charlie Hume:
Hey Lou, how's the little dog?

Lou Grant:
Great. Real cute. You want him?

Charlie Hume:
No...

Lou Grant:
[having just been introduced to Jinx Matheson] Matheson? Shouldn't you be up there?

Jinx Matheson:
No, because Alex Matheson and I recently divorced.

Lou Grant:
Sorry.

Jinx Matheson:
And he got custody of the podium. [Lou laughs and Jinx joins in]

Linda:
He said he had a message, and the message was that Mrs. Pynchon wanted Billie to stop, whatever it was. [walks off]

Lou Grant:
Someones trying to keep you off the story?

Billie Newman:
You mean somebody besides you?

Billie Newman:
So, the doctor pulls away and I'm sitting there in my car in front of this big Spanish mansion, wondering what I'm doing there, when all of a sudden all of these flood lights go on. I hear angry voices, a gate opens and a big black car about a block long comes screaming down the driveway right at me.

Lou Grant:
The Batmobile.

Joe Rossi:
No, the Mathesons.

Lou Grant:
Talk to Dr. Shephard at the Historical Society, find out what's in the time capsule. Give me a little eh... background. A little 'Gee whiz, nothing ever stays the same' or 'Gee whiz, nothing ever changes.'

Billie Newman:
[discussing a bear that escaped from the zoo] I suppose you know how he escaped, too?

Art Donovan:
Oh, what the heck... [thinks for a moment] He tied his bedsheets together and he eased himself over the wall, right?

Billie Newman:
The zoo still doesn't know for sure. But they're convinced he was acting alone.

Charlie Hume:
[staff is meeting about the escaped bear story] Page one, if we have art.

Lou Grant:
All we have is a police composite, which believe it or not makes him look like a psychopath.

Charlie Hume:
[on phone] Well, he went to his writing class tonight. No, he's, he's not back yet. Yeah, with Marion's car. I lent it to him. It was an act of trust.

Marian Hume:
[joining in] An act of trust is when you lend him your car.

Lou Grant:
[annoyed by Charlie leaving a meeting to help his nephew] I can catch Charlie and let him know that that he can't keep pulling this running out of meetings stuff.

Adam Wilson:
You're gonna run out of a meeting to tell him that?

Dr. Rita Chase:
I wanted you to know how very serious the situation is with Leukemia.

Art Donovan:
Why do you use scare words like that? I know what my mother's got. And I'd prefer it if you didn't keep dropping it like a tray full of dishes every time I talk to you.

Art Donovan:
My mother is not dying, now lay off!

Lou Grant:
Lets face it. I'm going to die, you're going to die. Even that gorgeous young girl is going to die, and your mother...

Art Donovan:
[interrupting] Lou, go to hell!

Billie Newman:
You know those Samurai movies where the guy gets sliced up so fast you can't even see the sword?

Lou Grant:
Sure.

Billie Newman:
That's how Donovan edits your copy. Slump! "War and Peace" is just "War" and you're not even bleeding.

Billie Newman:
I will get you for this.

Joe Rossi:
Now let's talk about that. Why do you suppose you're so thin skinned about criticism?

Billie Newman:
The days will pass... we'll go our separate ways... you'll drop your guard and I will get you.

Joe Rossi:
Why are you lowering this discussion to such a childish level?

Lou Grant:
[Lou steps inbetween Billie and Rossi] Billie, go away for five minutes.

Billie Newman:
Lou, just let me explain.

Lou Grant:
Billie, go down the hall and kick the broken candy machine. Trust me, your problems will disappear.

Donovan:
I don't know Lou. I can't stay cheerful and smiling 24 hours a day.

Lou Grant:
What makes you think that's what your mother wants? She's seen you every way you can be and whatever it is you are, that's what she wants.

Art Donovan:
I'm sending you to the Califorina Institution for Women at Frontera tomorrow.

Joe Rossi:
Alone? With all those deprived women?

Billie Newman:
Don't worry Rossi, there are bars to protect you.

Lou Grant:
What do you suppose she's up to?

Joe Rossi:
Well, I think she wants publicity. Eh, I think she likes having a man visit her.

Lou Grant:
Don't be so humble, Rossi, maybe you're just her type.

Joe Rossi:
She's bright, you know. I mean even when she's mad she has this quirky sense of humor.

Lou Grant:
Is this a girl who murdered four people or someone you want to take to the movies?

Joe Rossi:
The warden wouldn't let her out.

Lou Grant:
Donovan, would you handle this? [hands him the phone]

Art Donovan:
Hello Rossi.

Joe Rossi:
[on other line, at payphone] How did you know it was me?

Art Donovan:
I could tell by the frost on the phone when he handed it to me.

Joe Rossi:
Yeah, that's his problem.

Dennis "Animal" Price:
Mrs. Worth, can we get a picture of you turning over the first spade full of earth?

Bonita Worth:
Of course. And I'd just like to say, I think this is a terribly original and clever idea for a picture.

Dennis "Animal" Price:
Sorry. Personally, I'd rather have a little cheesecake, but this is the one they'll ask me for.

Mike Norvette:
I stand by my story.

Lou Grant:
You can stand by it, you can pat it on it's head, you can clutch it to your bosom, we're not gonna print it like this, it's lousy journalism. Next time you want to pin somebodies hide to the barn, you'd better use facts for nails.

Mike Norvette:
That's a lousy metaphor.

Charlie Hume:
[about Mike Norvette] How good a reporter is he?

Lou Grant:
Eh, It's hard to tell. He has a lotta potential but he isn't getting any better, and he should. Plus he slants, overwrites, argues and is an allaround pain in the neck.

Charlie Hume:
How do you like him otherwise?

Lou Grant:
Not as well.

Mrs. Pynchon:
We're going to have to let some people go.

Lou Grant:
[stands up] That stinks! Why are you singling out my department?

Mrs. Pynchon:
I'm not!

Lou Grant:
How come the other departments aren't affected?

Mrs. Pynchon:
They are!

Lou Grant:
Why doesn't everyone share it equally?

Mrs. Pynchon:
They will!

Lou Grant:
It still stinks. [sits down again]

Mrs. Pynchon:
I agree! I hate firing people.

Lou Grant:
Then don't!

Mrs. Pynchon:
I'm not. You're going to.

Frank Durning:
It's a great game for working out the frustrations of the job, isn't it?

Lou Grant:
[out of breath] Frank... I go on my job to work out the frustrations of trying to learn this game.

Lou Grant:
Are you a doctor?

Frank Durning:
No, fireman.

Lou Grant:
Do you make house calls?

Frank Durning:
Only if they're burning.

Joe Rossi:
I've got a little clue... [looks at Billie and Lou meaningfully]

Lou Grant:
Why don't you write it on a piece of paper and fold it up so we can all have fun guessing what it is?

Joe Rossi:
[Lou has just ordered part of the staff to photocopy a large file] What is it?

Art Donovan:
I think it's Lou's memoirs.

Joe Rossi:
I hope I get the war years...

Debbie Dexter:
[looking through pictures The Animal took] Oh, look at the exhaustion on that poor man's face! 'Cause he's been through a battle. That pictures says 'war' better than any action shot. Was it Vietnam?

The Animal:
Pasadena. That guy was the lead in a porno movie on his break.

Billie Newman:
[raised voice] Damn it I'm not angry! You make me so mad!

Billie Newman:
[on dancefloor] The focus of my piece is lobbying.

Ray Elders:
Well, you just missed one of the best people at it. Which is too bad. He keeps a lower profile than a Bishop's mistress.

Billie Newman:
I need more time, Lou.

Lou Grant:
Take all the time you want. Take four, five minutes.

Billie Newman:
Can I have fifteen?

Lou Grant:
No problem, we'll just run a headline saying: 'watch this space'.

Shirley Hagen:
Oh, my name is, eh, Shirley, Shirley Hagen.

Billie Newman:
Billie. Billie Newman.

Shirley Hagen:
Oh. Sounds like we should've had each others name.

Billie Newman:
Art Donovan is a gentle, rational person.

Dennis "Animal" Price:
People like that are the first to blow.

Burton Cary:
Come on, Joe, you know how it is...

Joe Rossi:
No, how is it?

Burton Cary:
If you want something, you gotta make it happen.

Joe Rossi:
I don't make things 'happen'.

Burton Cary:
Uh-uh. That's right. Because a long time ago, you made the decision to be an observer. A recorder, not a participant. To be a leader, you got to take charge of things.

Lou Grant:
Can't we go back to our normal way of working together?

Art Donovan:
Lou, our normal way of working together is to argue all the time.

Lou Grant:
Yeah! Let's go back to that.

Joe Rossi:
You're a fink!

Burton Cary:
[panting after a morning jog] Hey Hey... I don't think that's the, eh... proper form of address for a supervisor.

Burton Cary:
[also panting] 'Scuse me, your finkness!

Lou Grant:
[sarcastic] Boy, you're chipper this morning.

Art Donovan:
Well, how chipper would you be if you just found out that your house is slipping down the hill side.

Lou Grant:
Depends on how I like the view from the bottom.

Lou Grant:
The word is: he kisses the track's tomato.

Rose:
[about to count Lou's groceries] Is this all?

Lou Grant:
I'm sorry, I didn't need any more.

Joe Rossi:
Friends are wonderful. You don't possess them, they don't possess you, so why ruin wonderful relationships with people by lending them money and finding out they're deadbeats?

Charlie Hume:
[about Mrs. Pynchon's writing] That is damned good. Did you really write that?

Mrs. Pynchon:
[smiling] I'm flattered... [thinks for a moment]... and insulted.

Joe Rossi:
[to Billie] Listen, if you're down, you shouldn't be alone. You should throw that away and have dinner with someone who'll listen to you without pushing. Somebody you've worked with for years, someone you don't have to put on a happy face for. Bet ya Lou's not doing anything...

Fred Jenkins:
I believe good is contagious and I spread that message through my work.

Charlie Hume:
Dad... you were a successful businessman for over thirty years. I've never known you to do anything dishonest. Why would you steal five wallets?

Rupert Hume:
I had a quota to meet.

Charlie Hume:
Quota?

Rupert Hume:
Five wallets a day. It's a challenge.

Lou Grant:
You're sure looking spry.

Rupert Hume:
Spry?

Lou Grant:
Yeah.

Rupert Hume:
That's a word you use for old men. Never hear them call a young person 'spry'.

Lou Grant:
How 'bout 'frisky'?

Rupert Hume:
Don't feel that good.

Rupert Hume:
What did he call you?

Animal:
Animal.

Rupert Hume:
Well why would you let anybody call you that?

Animal:
I don't like my real name.

Rupert Hume:
What is it?

Animal:
Dennis.

Rupert Hume:
Well, that's not so bad. Mine's Rupert!

Charlie Hume:
[on phone whith his father, who has been arrested for shoplifting] Listen, eh, I'm gonna be leaving here right now, and I'll be out there in about an hour. You just stay put.

Rupert Hume:
[on other line] Well, I'm not gonna try and bust out.

Lou Grant:
[while on the phone, Lou is put on hold]... Music to get high blood pressure by.

Lou Grant:
[holding a picture of a book lying on the floor] I love it! A book on the floor. Stop the presses!

Billie Newman:
Yeah, but a second before it was on the shelf.

Lou Grant:
Stop the presses again!

Joe Rossi:
[Billie just mentioned Kirlian photography] You mean taking pictures of auras?

Billie Newman:
Right.

Joe Rossi:
[to Lou] That's the energy given off by living things.

Charlie Hume:
Yeah, but the army now claims that auras are nothing more than body moisture interacting with the Earth's magnetic field. They've gotten pictures of auras around wet sponges and bowls of spaghetti.

Joe Rossi:
[stands up to leave] Hey, that research is important. I've heard the Russians have a spaghetti bomb.

Charlie Hume:
Marion had another dream last night, she's quite disturbed by it. She said there was a new man in the City Room, who was in terrible danger. She saw blood all over the place. I know it sounds silly, but she didn't sleep all night.

Lou Grant:
There are no new men around here.

Art Donovan:
No new women...

Charlie Hume:
Sorry I asked.

Billie Newman:
[they walk past Billie who picks up her phone] Billie Newman...

Lou Grant:
Isn't that the way? The Poltergeist defence will always fold when lust rears it's ugly head.

Art Donovan:
Lets not go knocking lust.

Alex Conrad:
Lucille, do we know if there's been a poltergeist agent anywhere in the house?

Billie Newman:
What's that?

Dr. Haas:
There is a correlation between poltergeist activity and the presence of teenagers, especially adolescent girls. Unconsciously, they project sexual energy into the environment, causing things to happen... objects to fly, doors to open.

Joe Rossi:
What is C84?

Larry Riesen:
Joe, you have to understand something. The people who work with these chemicals are pretty bright.

Joe Rossi:
Sure.

Larry Riesen:
I mean, a lot of ingenuity and more hard work then you can imagine went into figuring most of that stuff out. Why, in just a few years our insight into the world at the molecular level has deepened incredibly.

Joe Rossi:
I know, it's your filling me in that's taking all the time.

Lou Grant:
Anything happen while I was at lunch?

Art Donovan:
Billie called. She couldn't really talk, but she gave me the name of a restaurant half way between here and Altamira where you can meet tonight [hands Lou a note]

Lou Grant:
Oh yeah? [reading the note] John Wong Garcia's Kitchen. Fish. A place named John Wong Garcia's in the middle of the desert serves fish?

Art Donovan:
No, they serve Chinese-Mexican food. I have to go by Billie's apartment tonight to feed her fish.

Teri Wilk:
[Rossi just got directions and left] Not even a thank you! Typical reporter.

Billie Newman:
[Billie is under cover working at the plant] What do you mean? Maybe he's just... not a polite guy.

Teri Wilk:
Nah, reporters are the lowest. My dad told me. Everybody knows it. They're all pushy and grubby. All they care about is getting their story.

Billie Newman:
[a bit self-concious] The eh... lead is kind of silly... [small chuckle] But then, the story is also kind of...

Lou Grant:
I like the lead.

Billie Newman:
[surprised and relieved] Good!

Lou Grant:
It's catchy. Bubbles suddenly appearing in people's backyards.

Billie Newman:
There's only the one bubble.

Lou Grant:
How do we know? What are bubbles like?

Art Donovan:
Do they talk to each other?

Lester Fields:
[to Billie] You know, it's really socko having sombody in the office who can spell. You got a job here for life if you want it.

Adam Wilson:
You guys going to McKenna's later?

Lou Grant:
I was gonna go home and wash my hair this evening, but I could be talked out of it...

Joe Rossi:
Do you have any theories on what the arms are gonna be used for?

Lieutenant McPhee:
Other than for some people to shoot some other people, no.

Lou Grant:
[Lou has let a federal agent into his home, who opens the backdoor to let in another] Am I in your way, or should I get out so you could make yourself some breakfast?

Lou Grant:
[about Fitzgerald] He was introduced to me as an Irish journalist.

DeRopp:
Well, the Irish part is true.

Charlie Hume:
What the hell are you talking about?

Art Donovan:
The whale story. Your memmo said you wanted to see me about the wales.

Charlie Hume:
That, that, that was just to get you in here.

Art Donovan:
Charlie, you don't have to make up stories just to see me, I like you.

Francie Fitzgerald:
You know, you were a friend and I turned you into an enemy. A-and like my old Irish grandmother used to say: It's terrible to have a thousand enemies, but it's worse to have a thousand and one.

Art Donovan:
[about Hank Pearl] They say he made every woman in the city room.

Lou Grant:
Made every woman what?

Art Donovan:
[rolls his eyes at Adam] Nervous...

Lou Grant:
When I told you to pick a company to investigate sexual harassment, I didn't mean this one.

Billie Newman:
I chose the Trib because that way I thought the story would have the most impact.

Lou Grant:
I got a feeling you're right...

Catherine Marks:
Do you have, ehm, lovers quarrels will all of your reporters?

Lou Grant:
Yeah, Rossi's the worst. Especially when he throws things.

Joe Rossi:
Lou, Lou, you gotta hear this, I just got back from the Cophouse, right? It's one of those bizare stories...

Art Donovan:
Could it be 'Man drives nail through own heart'?

Lou Grant:
What was he, a vampire trying to commit suicide?

Art Donovan:
[showing Catherine her workspace, a desk filled with paperwork] You'll be over here. According to legend, there's a desk under there somewhere.

Mary Gianni:
Now... ask me the same question again, off the record.

Joe Rossi:
Ok. Why did the manufacturers of the Rough Rider 90 drop your agency?

Mary Gianni:
Because the Rough Rider 90 is a stiff.

Joe Rossi:
How do you mean?

Mary Gianni:
The body is cold and everyone's wondering if they look good in black.

Joe Rossi:
What about the Rough Rider 90?

Rick Reiner:
[snickers] Who cares about the Rough Rider 90?

Joe Rossi:
Well, that's the motorcycle I'm looking into.

Rick Reiner:
That's not a motorcycle, that's two wheels and a food processor.

Lou Grant:
What's up, Lou?

Billie Newman:
You know any good places to eat in Lompoc?

Lou Grant:
[laughs it off] Are you kidding? No.

Billie Newman:
Then you'd better have dinner before you go up.

Art Donovan:
[after an anecdote in a bar turns sour between Charlie and David Marcus] So, you going to the Ice Capades when they come to town, Lou?

Lou Grant:
No! Why?

Art Donovan:
To change the subject.

Lou Grant:
Oh... I dunno...

Billie Newman:
[on payphone in pouring rain] I never talked to Talbot, I didn't even see him. His publisher had him in a limmo before I could get my umbrella closed and my notebook open.

Lou Grant:
Better let me bum a ride from Charlie.

Art Donovan:
My car is cleaner...

Lou Grant:
Hm, but you I don't owe an apology to.

Charlie Hume:
Don't worry, that's why they pay me the big bucks; 'cause it's so cold up at these high altitudes.

Lou Grant:
The airconditioning on the blink again?

Art Donovan:
Yeah, for about an hour.

Lou Grant:
Well, why doesn't somebody open a window?

Art Donovan:
Because when they put the airconditioning in, they nailed the windows shut.

Irene Mott:
[on phone] Why would he send a repoter, what does he think you are, kidney beans?

Billie Newman:
[at the airport] Are you Joe Rossi?

Joe Rossi:
Yeah.

Billie Newman:
[sighs with relief] I didn't know how I was gonna recognize you, but it's interesting how I picked you out. [no reaction from Rossi] Well, from the typewriter, of course. [indicating the case he's carrying]

Joe Rossi:
That's not my typewriter, it's my toilet kit.

Joe Rossi:
Is there anything to do there at night? Hayrides, illegal fishing, singalongs?

Joe Rossi:
Whats your name again?

Billie Newman:
Billie Newman.

Joe Rossi:
Billie. Can't feature a reporter named Billie.

Billie Newman:
How 'bout a President named Jimmy? You know, it's really 'Billie Jo', but, eh, I knocked off the last part to make it sound more professional.

Joe Rossi:
It didn't work.

Billie Newman:
Am I boring you?

Joe Rossi:
Not at all, I'm not listening.

Joe Rossi:
[having just turned on the car radio] See if you can find something without banjo's.

Lou Grant:
I think this is not Rossi's best writing, I think that girl has something to do with it!

Charlie Hume:
You think she's beguiling him with her charms?

Lou Grant:
I know he's not beguiling her with his, he doesn't have any.

Joe Rossi:
I couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep.

Billie Newman:
Well, if you couldn't sleep, I'm certainly glad you woke me up. I mean, one thing I really don't wanna do is be sleeping when you're having a hard time.

Lou Grant:
Rossi wants to share his byline with that girl.

Art Donovan:
I think that's the most intimate he's ever been with a woman.

Art Donovan:
How come you're always working on stories that people don't care about?

Billie Newman:
If people don't care, I'll make them care. You can't believe what these women are up against.

Art Donovan:
You know, you're cute when you're zealous.

Joe Rossi:
Well, they already dusted the gun, but they tell me you need a complete set of ten prints to make an identification.

Lou Grant:
You gotta be kidding...

Charlie Hume:
A complete set of ten prints? I wonder how many crooks take the time?

Art Donovan:
Look, you don't have to keep calling me 'Donovan'. Why don't we call each other Art... and Newman.

Billie Newman:
Ok, Art.

Lou Grant:
[describing himself on the phone] Me? Well, I'm, I'm about, eh, 5'9, and eh... slightly balding. and eh, weight is, ah, in the range of, eh, chunky.

Lou Grant:
[to Danvers] Sit down, have a drink. And please don't tell me any more about your life.

Lou Grant:
I reach for my laundry and this guy grabs a tire iron!

Art Donovan:
I don't blame him, Lou, I wouldn't want to get hit with your dirty laundry.

Joe Rossi:
And listen, if you have any problems finding anything, and I'm around, just stay away, ok?

Billie Newman:
You know, a person's notes aren't really meant for public scrutiny.

Joe Rossi:
Can I use your office to scream in?

Lou Grant:
Not with me in it.

Art Donovan:
[Lou is being ribbed about getting into a fight the day before] Well at least we kept it out of the paper.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[to a man in a crowded elevator who is smoking a cigar] Would you mind putting out that cigar?

McPhee:
The time it takes me to put it out, I'll be at my floor.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Indulge me.

McPhee:
Ease up, will ya, lady? This'll be over in no time.

Mrs. Pynchon:
You're breaking the law.

McPhee:
Do you own this elevator?

Mrs. Pynchon:
[haughtily] The elevator, the building, the block!

Mrs. Pynchon, McPhee:
Heh. Then this must be yours, too.

[hands her the burning cigar and steps off the elevator]

Carla Mardigian:
By the way, where's Mr. Eleven O' clock news and the other blow dry kids?

Malcolm Baur:
[chuckles] Hanging the rest of us up, as usual.

Ron Allen:
Sorry we're late, we had to go back for a piece of equipment.

Carla Mardigian:
Your hairdryer?

Lou Grant:
Art Donovan, I want you to meet Jack Rily, he's an even faster two-fingered typist than you are.

Jack Riley:
That's before the good Lord opened a calsium mine in my hands. Nice to see you, Art, don't shake it too hard.

Jack Riley:
If I put a plate full of rubies in front of you, would you puss 'em away?

Lou Grant:
Rubies always give me indigestion.

Lou Grant:
You wanna tell us about it?

Jack Riley:
[hesitant] It's a bit embarassing, Lou.

Lou Grant:
Make us blush.

Joe Rossi:
If you let this flake suck you in, you're a couple of idiots!

Charlie Hume:
You're his immediate superior, Lou, would you like to respond?

Lou Grant:
Thank you Charlie, I think I would. [stands up and walks to Rossi] How'd you like to have your nose moved over to were your ear is?

Jack Riley:
The only reason I brought this here, is because that man is my friend. I could've very easily brought it to the Times, I still can. I'm sure Mr. Cardell won't mind.

Charlie Hume:
No sir, Jack, this is our baby! Lou, you go with Rossi, corroborate the whole thing. Donovan can cover the desk.

Lou Grant:
'Our baby', Charlie?

Charlie Hume:
Unless Cardell doesn't show in 48 hours. Then it's your baby, Lou. [a beat] Congratulations.

Lou Grant:
How much does this story mean to you?

Joe Rossi:
A lot, why?

Lou Grant:
You may have to dance with me.

Lou Grant:
[shouting] Jack, hang up! They found the body.

Jack Riley:
Body?

Joe Rossi:
What body?

Lou Grant:
Cardell's! At the bottom of a canyon back home. Dead!

Jack Riley:
[a beat] You know what? I like my story better.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[angry] It would be a great story if it happened to the Times. I wish it had happened to the Times.

Lou Grant:
And if it had, we'd print it.

Mrs. Pynchon:
With flags around it!

Lou Grant:
It's our story, it happened to us, we've got all the facts. Or would you rather see it in the Times?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Are you thinking of moving over there?

Lou Grant:
Are you thinking of sending me?

Mrs. Pynchon:
It's crossed my mind. But then I remembered what a good relationship I have with them...

Art Donovan:
You were threatened by a chicken?

Animal:
Did you kill it?

Billie Newman:
It was already dead!

Art Donovan:
You were threatened by a dead chicken?

Lou Grant:
[narrating] It was one of those Sundays where you don't wanna heat up the kitchen. And making a sandwich only reminds you you're cooking for one. So I figured I'd heat up Phil's kitchen. I didn't realize half of Echo Park had the same idea.

Charlie Hume:
Did you ever see Baby Duarte fight, Mrs. Pynchon?

Mrs. Pynchon:
I was his sparring partner for years.

Lou Grant:
You two wanna do an update on this murder or would you prefer to sit around bad-mouthing your coleagues of past years?

Thea Taft:
Holy smoke. You look just like you sound.

Lou Grant:
Sure do you, kid.

Joe Rossi:
Laura Sinclair asks one boyfriend who was a hood, to defend the honor of another boyfriend, an agent, who killed a third boyfriend, a fighter. Does that make sense?

Lt. Bill Bergin:
How long have you lived in L.A., son?

Lou Grant:
[narrating] Laura Sinclair was on the tube that night. I'd been working late and decided to check out the competition on the eleven o'clock news. I must not have been paying attention, 'cause the next thing I knew, I looked up, and there she was. The girl with the come-hither smile. The picture was called 'The Empty Hour'. I first saw it at Fort Dix a couple of days before we shipped out. She played a girl who worked in a department store and the last scene was on the Staten Island ferry in the pouring rain. She had on one of those sensible wartime hats that kept her face dry. Until she started crying. What a face...

Joe Rossi:
Where the two of you ever involved?

Wild Man Moran:
I'm a... a drinker, son, not a chaser. Been married forty years and... never went after another woman.

Fred Horton:
For a while there I was losing friends and relatives at a wicked pace. I thought I had joined the funeral of the month club.

The Animal:
He's really a lively old guy, for his age.

Lou Grant:
How old is he?

The Animal:
I don't know, but he must be pretty old, he was in the battle of the Bulge in World War One.

Lou Grant:
The Battle of the Bulge was in World War Two.

The Animal:
You sure?

Lou Grant:
I was there.

The Animal:
Oh. Well, you're kind of a lively old guy too, Lou.

Fred Horton:
We used to say: a good hat is like a good woman. Treat her right and she'll keep you warm and happy in your old age.

Lou Grant:
He didn't ask for any references at all?

Billie Newman:
I was breathing, I think that was reference enough.

Lou Grant:
I'm not talking about charity, I'm talking about a real job.

Fred Horton:
At a newspaper? For a guy who spent forty years making hats? Come on.

Fred Horton:
Maybe you could make paper hats?

Lou Grant:
When did this place stop making milkbottles?

Paul Policzinski:
Heh, 'bout three years after the people stopped using 'em.

Lou Grant:
[Lou is auctioning off all of his aunt's stuff] Eh, would you like the car, Margie, and the clocks?

Margie McIntyre:
Oh, Lou, of course I would!

Lou Grant:
Then I'd like you to have them. I hope you outbid everyone.

Billie Newman:
I'll read Lou's story when it's my business to read Lou's story.

Joe Rossi:
But it's such a hoot. He writes that old bare-bones wire service style: "Dateline: Goshen".

Billie Newman:
Hey, the guy hasn't written anything since about 1959, give him a break.

Joe Rossi:
Oh, I love it, really, it's cute.

Len Holland:
Ray Hoyt, the eh, banker, who's dressed like a banker, he's done nothing but doodle all over the proposal Paul gave him. I'm not sure he's still awake.

Sergeant Roche:
That's why my mother always washes the dishes, right after each meal, during the meal even.

Billie Newman:
Why?

Sergeant Roche:
'Cause you could get killed and, eh, strangers could come into your house and see unwashed dishes.

Karen:
There's a difference between sexy and just letting it hang out, dear.

Billie Newman:
Ah nuts!

Joe Rossi:
Hang around with hookers, your language gets awful raunchy.

Billie Newman:
Cereal, in the middle of the night?

Lou Grant:
Sometimes I eat breakfast before I go to bed, saves having to do it in the morning.

Congressman Phelps:
You canary colored journalists won't have Bob Phelps to kick around anymore. [a beat] Don't quote me on that!

Andrew Martin:
Alright, where's your office?

Joe Rossi:
[points] There's that desk over there.

Andrew Martin:
That's it, just a desk? I thought you were an important guy?

Joe Rossi:
It's one of the newer desks...

Andrew Martin:
[having entered the Tribune news room holding a gun to Rossi's head] If anybody moves, I'm gonna blow his head off.

Joe Rossi:
Take it easy... I don't have a whole lotta friends in this room.

Boyle:
Here comes the Trib, on time as usual.

Joe Rossi:
What's going on?

Boyle:
Attempted robbery. Two hood kids came in. Store owner's a disabled veteran, plugged one of them.

Joe Rossi:
Dead?

Joe Rossi:
Doornail time.

Lou Grant:
[tossing a magazine to Donovan] Hey, I saw this in the Sunday magazines section. You think my place could look like that?

Art Donovan:
[smiles] No. [hands it to Carla]

Lou Grant:
What do you think?

Carla Mardigian:
Well, you don't have the beams like this, or the bay windows here, or the brick fireplace, or the view of the ocean.

Lou Grant:
I've got an ashtray like that...

Andrew Martin:
[pointing a gun at Rossi while Rossi types] What are you stopping for?

Joe Rossi:
I'm thinking.

Andrew Martin:
Don't think, just write.

Andrew Martin:
My first demand is for 148 dollars and 50 cents.

Sgt. Pierce:
My men can start their assault as a diversion.

Lou Grant:
[speaking out of the side of his mouth to be inconspicuous] Forget words like 'assault'. I got friends in there.

Sgt. Pierce:
[referring to Andrew Martin] He started this.

Lou Grant:
This isn't a school yard fight!

Charlie Hume:
What's the matter?

Art Donovan:
Aw, I'm still recovering from yesterday. Lou invited me over for a drink and a hernia.

Roger:
I had a friend who... a neighbor, used to beat his wife every Saturday night and... she left him. Well, poor guy just wasted away.

Billie Newman:
[rolls her eyes] From what, lack of exercise?

Lou Grant:
Now take Rossi, there's somebody who doesn't care at all about other people's feelings. He's arrogant, pushy, abrasive, obnoxious, uncaring, insensitive... That's what makes him a good reporter.

Joe Rossi:
Come on, Lou, you're making me blush.

Charlie Hume:
I hope we're not too late. I forgot my wife was going to a fatfarm this weekend, but I managed to dig up a blind date. [Lou laughs]

Mrs. Pynchon:
He got me here by promising me we were going to play miniature golf.

Alice:
I'm not going back with you. I don't like you to hit me.

Jerry:
[scoffs] I was only kidding, I wasn't gonna hit ya...

Alice:
Yeah, yeah you were, Jerry.

Jerry:
Well, you asked for it.

Alice:
No I didn't, I didn't ask for it!

Jerry:
Sure you did, you make me hit you.

Alice:
No I don't, why would I want you to hit me, it hurts! Do you like to be hit?

Joe Rossi:
[during dinner] Sister, please, eat your salad. It's from all over the world!

Lou Grant:
[Rossi drops by Lou unexpectedly] What's going on, why didn't you call first? I could've been here with the De Castro sisters...

Art Donovan:
Hey, pencil's disappear. That's their style. They like to vanish.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[concerned about the use of lightbulbs in the office at night] Sometimes I'm downtown after midnight, this place is lit up like Dodger Stadium.

Charlie Hume:
I'll speak to maintenance.

Lou Grant:
What are you doing downtown after midnight?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Feeding pigeons.

Mrs. McLean:
[Sister Louise enters Mrs. McLean's flat with Joe Rossi in tow] Oh, who is this?

Sister Louise Frawley:
He's a reporter.

Joe Rossi:
I'm gonna write a story for the Tribune, you can read about yourself.

Mrs. McLean:
I've got cataracts.

Joe Rossi:
Oh, well, maybe somebody can read it to you, then.

Michael Avenik:
I'm leaving my body to science while I'm still alive.

Lou Grant:
Ok, so you're embarrassed.

Charlie Hume:
I felt like a five star fool!

Joe Rossi:
I'd like to take this opportunity to apologize for the pityful questions of my colleagues.

Charlie Hume:
[browsing pictures from potential new photographers] War, you know. Hard to take a bad picture of a war.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, it's photogenic.

Tam:
[Animal just thanked a waitress in Vietnamese] Still remember your Vietnamese, huh?

Animal:
I never learned enough to forget.

Animal:
In the 'Nam, we didn't know the meaning of fear. Now terror, terror we knew real well.

Joe Rossi:
[about Tran Mu Dong] He doesn't look so tough to me.

Oscar Franco:
Now don't kid yourself. He knows more ways to kill you then you know how to die.

Joe Rossi:
Who's that?

Officer Polazzio:
Colonel Long.

Animal:
What's he do?

Officer Polazzio:
Nothing we can prove...

Joseph 'Joe' Rossi:
[a boy shows his injured foot] Last time I saw an ankle like that it was broken in three places, it was mine.

Billie Newman:
Big Joke.

Howard Sweetwater:
[shrugs] Well, you're so small... and... car's so small... and... you gave it such a great, big kick.

Art Donovan:
So what do you think of the newspaper business?

Raymond White:
Is that all you guys do? Sit around, talk on the phone, drink coffee and make up things to write?

Art Donovan:
[chuckles] We don't make it up.

Raymond White:
Oh. It's even easier.

Animal:
I can't see Raymond ever making it in a public school, he's just gonna keep running away.

Billie Newman:
What about an Indian school?

Animal:
Didn't know they had any.

Charlie Hume:
Don't you ever read the 'Trib?

Billie Newman:
I did a piece on it, Animal.

Charlie Hume:
I didn't know your families were on speaking terms.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Oh, Mr. Hume, that was in the Twenties, when his grandfather and mine were at war over land and water rights. My father put most of that to rest but we were still considered too ill mannered and aggressive to be included in The Circle.

Adam Wilson:
Breakfast on an empty stomach? Never.

Adam Wilson:
It won't happen again.

Lou Grant:
Don't worry about it, I love being a hero.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I want you to fire Nick Boyer.

Charlie Hume:
Did he break your teacup?

Dutch Van Deusen:
Oh Margaret, you're the same obstructionist maverick your old man was.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Thank you, Dutch.

Joe Rossi:
You always feel like a kid when you're around your folks. It's only when you come to work that you feel like a grown up.

Lou Grant:
If you interrupt one more time, I'm sending you to your room without your supper.

Lou Grant:
Boy, the language they use: 'pregnancy wastage', 'fetal salvage'. Sounds like they're talking about a junkyard, not a woman's body.

Lou Grant:
Don't you talk to your mother? She's sleeping in your living room.

Billie Newman:
I can't talk to her about these things, Lou, she's old fashioned.

Lou Grant:
Slip her a note at the dinner table, that way you won't have to say it out loud.

Billie Newman:
Lou, I've got to to South Dakota.

Lou Grant:
Have you ever been to South Dakota this time of year?

Billie Newman:
I grew up there, remember?

Lou Grant:
Then you should know better.

Mrs. Pynchon:
You know, I read your story on the DES daughter, I thought it was well handled. You really made me see the suffering those two women went through.

Billie Newman:
Well, that's my job.

Mrs. Pynchon:
But I find it hard believing I'm talking to the writer of that article...

Billie Newman:
Why?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Because you could understand that mother so well, but you can't see what your own mother's going through.

Joe Rossi:
[holding a 1955 record album by the Sonny Goodwin Quartet] Look, this has one of the classic versions of 'Summertime'.

Lou Grant:
Summertime?

Joe Rossi:
Yeah.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, I remember that. The McGuire Sisters. Boy, they could really sing. [Art Donovan walks by, stop to look over Lou's shoulder] Ah! Dorothy, Phyllis and... what was her name, Patty?

Joe Rossi:
Maxine?

Art Donovan:
Grumpy?

Dishwasher:
[the reunited Sonny Goodman Quarted has been arguing among themselves in a kitchen] Hey, just like me and you, man, huh? We always hassle,

[snaps fingers]

Dishwasher:
but we get the food out.

Joe Rossi:
I wish I could put tonight in a bottle and keep it forever!

Art Donovan:
There was a small fire over on Melrose. I sent Rosenthal... he put it out.

Lou Grant:
Good man, Rosenthal. We ought to send him to the Middle East.

Lou Grant:
Billie?

Louisa Sanchez:
Why you calling here?

Lou Grant:
She speaks Spanish.

Louisa Sanchez:
But I'm speaking English.

Lou Grant:
She speaks that, too.

Lou Grant:
I throw my garbage out with more sympathy and compasion than he showed me.

Deputy D.A.:
Well, I mean all of us have our little idiosyncrasies that might seem odd to someone else. Even you might have some, Mr. Rossi.

Joe Rossi:
[grinning] Oh, listen, I've got some great ones! [turns serious] But I'm not a Superior Court judge.

Lindsay:
Some of my friends consider me one of the top three criminal attorneys in the country. To my enemies, I'm in the top five...

Lou Grant:
Has he ever been in trouble before? Estaban...

Louisa Sanchez:
[thinks a moment] Yes... he used to cut school. Him and me cut school and went to the movies.

Joe Rossi:
Why haven't you acted in Judge Rushman's case? [Alcorte begins to chuckle] I don't get it, what's so funny?

Jesus Alcorte:
Oh, I was just thinking of all the letters we've gotten, asking the same question. They're probably still getting them.

Joe Rossi:
And then what, you all sit around the envelopes, chuckling at them?

Joe Rossi:
[about the Rushman article] If we polished it any more, you could cut a diamond with it.

Billie Newman:
I was just leaving.

Lou Grant:
That's right, you're going to Tedesca.

Billie Newman:
Lou, can't I go home first?

Lou Grant:
You don't have time!

Billie Newman:
Well what am I gonna do for clothes?

Animal:
If we're only gonna be gone two or three days, why do you need clothes?

Joe Rossi:
Doesn't it make any difference to you how this all turns out?

Marty Niles:
Nah! Not really. We got a smash, either way.

Billie Newman:
Rossi, that was really lousy.

Joe Rossi:
What?

Billie Newman:
What, what? You told me that creep was with the FBI.

Joe Rossi:
No I didn't, you said FBI. I said 'What other kind of agents are there?' He's one of the other kind.

Charlie Hume:
Well... [sighs]... you were right about the kidnap story, Lou. How much stroking do you want?

Lou Grant:
Keep going, I'll tell you when to stop.

Charlie Hume:
When accounting gets the travel vouchers, and six expense accounts, you may not be such a hero.

Lou Grant:
You didn't have to stop that soon.

Lou Grant:
[to Rossi] Carly Mitchell's a twelve year old kid. You were outmanoeuvred by someone who doesn't even have a learners permit. [snickers]

Art Donovan:
Well, before I bring a child into the world I wanna be sure that I can give it the kind of upbringing it deserves.

Charlie Hume:
[sarcastic] Oh, yeah, budget it right in there, like 'can I afford the new car'! If you love the child, you can afford him!

Joe Rossi:
You sure it was the kid?

Lou Grant:
I saw him running down the street, it was him.

Joe Rossi:
Heh. Broke a window.

Lou Grant:
I didn't think he had that good an arm.

Joe Rossi:
You know, people like to read stories with happy endings. And I think the story that I would write would mean something to a lot of people, a lot of kids and a lot of adults. Don't you think?

Carly Mitchell:
Sure do, Joe.

Joe Rossi:
So, with your permission, why don't we just take this whole beautiful story and put it on the record?

Carly Mitchell:
Absolutely... not.

Mark Donner:
My mom made me come over to fix the window.

Lou Grant:
I already fixed it. I didn't think you were coming. It gets kinda cold here in L.A. in the winter, I didn't want the snow blowing in.

Mark Donner:
You mean it's all fixed?

Lou Grant:
There's nothing for you to do.

Mark Donner:
Well, could break it again...

Chuck:
[on phone] Mr. Grant, are you planning to hold on to this house very long?

Lou Grant:
[on other line at City Desk] That sounds like an expensive question, Chuck...

Charlie Hume:
Don't we have just one story that doesn't have to come from a judge or a D.A.? What have we got Rossi on?

Lou Grant:
Some human interest piece. A poor kid with a rare disease who got his wish and went to Disneyland.

Charlie Hume:
Is there a lawyer in it?

Lou Grant:
No.

Charlie Hume:
Sounds like page one to me.

Billie Newman:
And what about the photographs? I, I have glanced through several copies of the Spectator, and I noticed he always uses the most unflattering photos he could find.

Clive Whitcomb:
[laughs] Yes, the Rembrandt of Bad Lighting. [another short burst of laughter] He could make a beauty queen look like Quasimodo.

Joe Rossi:
[claps his hands] Ok. I think our team is ready. [gets up to leave but Mrs. Pynchon is in his way]

Mrs. Pynchon:
Mr. Rossi, the Tribune is being sued for sixty million dollars. We would do well not to approach it like a hockey game.

Lou Grant:
How long have you been on the health beat?

Jerry Hollister:
[coughs out a mouthful of smoke] Six years now, I think it is.

Lou Grant:
Eh... doesn't all that stuff you, eh, you learn about worry you? You, eh, you smoke, you eat junk... you don't exersise.

Jerry Hollister:
Well, I think somebody has to set a bad example, Lou.

Billie Newman:
But regardless of whom they are, should they be victimized by distorsions and, eh, different versions of the truth?

Clive Whitcomb:
Oh, it's, eh, not different versions of truth, Miss Newman.

Billie Newman:
What is it, then?

Clive Whitcomb:
Lies.

Art Donovan:
[after hanging up his phone] Well, somebody liked our story on the Spectator.

Lou Grant:
You, eh, plan to take them all to lunch or just the ones that sound cute?

Art Donovan:
That was Kelly Morrow, the TV star. You know the one that's on that show about the big family in Oklahoma City that owns all the oil wells? Where everybody is trying to stab everybody else in the back? She's the sexy one.

Lou Grant:
Everyone's the sexy one.

Jack Towne:
Kiss me goodbye and you're kissing goodbye to 35.000 readers.

Margaret Pynchon:
I wouldn't dream of kissing you goodbye.

[sweetly]

Margaret Pynchon:
Goodbye...

Jack Towne:
I'll pack up this afternoon. [leaves in a huff]

Margaret Pynchon:
[calling after him] Don't take the soap from the men's room.

Lou Grant:
Well, I haven't gotten the memo yet, but any way that we can be protected from the nuts who call the city room would be great.

Mrs. Pynchon:
That's not what the memo says. I asked you to be courteous to the nuts who call the city room.

Jack Towne:
Lou, a lot of good men and women have sacrificed their careers to keep the first amendment strong. Lets not you and me weaken it.

Lou Grant:
[to Rossi] I don't see you getting on your jacket, didn't I give you enough of a why?

Joe Rossi:
I'm going, I'm going.

Lou Grant:
Look, I know you think the Nuclear Industry's the biggest bad guy since Sidney Greenstreet. Under normal circumstances, I'd be happy to indulge you but...

Art Donovan:
[interrupting] Don't indulge me, my feelings have nothing to do with this, I'm talking about something that could be a mayor news event.

Billie Newman:
It's been three years, right?

Animal:
Almost four.

Billie Newman:
He's aged about twenty. We've seen the man grow old.

Animal:
It's the pressure.

Billie Newman:
I know that, but it's still sad.

Lou Grant:
You can spare the sympathy, Billie. You wanna talk, do it to my face, not behind my back.

Animal:
Huh?

Billie Newman:
What do you mean, Lou? We were talking about the President.

Jack Towne:
I don't think you understand how something like that makes me look.

Charlie Hume:
Sure I do, Jack. It makes you look like a horse's hiney.

Billie Newman:
Lou, I think piling Sam's stuff outside the door is cruel.

Lou Grant:
That's my style.

Billie Newman:
No it's not...

Lou Grant:
I appreciate the way you and Billie look out for one another. She said the same thing about your story.

Joe Rossi:
Oh yeah?

Lou Grant:
Hm hm.

Joe Rossi:
Well, in her case, its jealousy.

Billie Newman:
We may be losing an editor.

Joe Rossi:
Which one?

Billie Newman:
Well, I'll give you a hint: he's got a nice sense of humor, a sharp blue pencil and he was born wearing a vest.

Joe Rossi:
[quietly] Donovan?

Billie Newman:
He got offered a really good job.

Joe Rossi:
Modeling clothes in a department store window?

Billie Newman:
If being obnoxious is just a tactic, how come you never turn it off?

Joe Rossi:
I'm waiting for the right moment.

Art Donovan:
There's been a tunnel collapse in the Rodriguez foothills.

Rubin Castillo:
That's too bad.

Art Donovan:
It's not your fault.

Charlie Hume:
I think you two are handling yourselves exceptionally well. It's great for the paper's morale to see their City Editors fighting. Only you're gonna have to talk louder. I can barely hear you in my office!

Lou Grant:
[about Rossi] If it were physically possible, he'd hoist himself on his own shoulders and carry himself around the City Room.

Lou Grant:
That was the Baden Baden Hof Brou? How do you spell Baden?

Dreyfus:
Eh. B... A... D... E... N.

Lou Grant:
And how do you spell the other Baden?

Art Donovan:
[Lou orders the TV show turned off] You just knocked off the future Mrs. Donovan. I was looking for a girl with mopeds like that.

Billie Newman:
[Rossi is ticked off about being unable to write down his feelings about the mob in an article] What did I do?

Joe Rossi:
What do you know, you're not Italian!

Billie Newman:
Scusi.

Joe Rossi:
What about dinner?

Lou Grant:
Room service is sending over a hamburger.

Joe Rossi:
A hamburger? Four Gourmet restaurants here, the paper's picking up the tab, and you hide away waiting for a hamburger?

Lou Grant:
With French fries. It's their deluxe burger.

Charlene:
[referring to Rossi on the dancefloor] Your friends seems to be loosening up fine...

Lou Grant:
He's got young bones.

Patsy Reese:
[to Lou] Louis, Louis, you know what the trouble with you is? You haven't changed with the times. You're still back there with what we used to call the Old Mustache Petes.

Marla Evans:
You can go blind from that, you know. [indicating the magazine Watson is holding]

Carl Watson:
[dropping the magazine] I'll take my chances.

Marla Evans:
Will you cash this for me?

Carl Watson:
That's what the sign says, don't it? [cashes her welfare check and hands her the money] What are you doing Friday night?

Marla Evans:
Friday? [holds up the money she just received] I'll be in Paris.

Carl Watson:
What about Saturday?

Marla Evans:
London. [turns to leave]

Carl Watson:
If I go blind, It'll be your fault.

Art Donovan:
Seems a couple out in Paqoima trying to hold the construction of a freeway there.

Lou Grant:
What's the problem?

Art Donovan:
Well, it seems that the off ramp will go right through their living room.

Lou Grant:
Oh... be convenient getting to work.

Art Donovan:
This guy works at home.

Lou Grant:
See if you can tear Martinson away from writing his novel long enough to cover it. [cut to an older newsman sitting at his desk with resting his face on both hands]

Lou Grant:
[on phone at the Tribune] Eh, you're in pretty rough territory, be careful.

Billie Newman:
[on carphone] The Animal's here with me.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, don't let anybody hurt him.

Joe Rossi:
How did the thieves get in the building? It took me ten minutes to get by two doormen and the TV monitors.

Joe Rossi:
I've got to hand it to me: this is good. I'm a good writer.

Billie Newman:
And modest, too.

Joe Rossi:
Modesty is the opiate of the mediocre.

Billie Newman:
It's not vanity...

Lou Grant:
It never is.

Billie Newman:
...but I'd like to know how my story can be so unimportant as to end up on page 26 opposite the shipping news.

Art Donovan:
Shipping news is important. It's not as important as it was in the old U-Boat days, sure, but it's still the first thing I turn to in the morning.

Billie Newman:
[having just angrily hung up her phone] That was your friend, Higgins at the Hall of Records.

Joe Rossi:
[giggles] He's a character, ain't he?

Billie Newman:
[mock laughter] Ah, haha, I can think of a better word to describe him.

Joe Rossi:
You know, Higgins can be very helpful sometimes.

Billie Newman:
Did he ever ask you to sleep with him in return for his help?

Joe Rossi:
He asked me to go camping with him, once...

Detective Collins:
Rossi! This is Saturday. Don't you ever take a day off?

Joe Rossi:
I had a day off last year.

Art Donovan:
Did you read Rossi's feature on Mrs. Walker?

Lou Grant:
[glum] Yeah, I read it.

Art Donovan:
I don't think he's ever been better.

Lou Grant:
Me neither. I couldn't change a word.

Art Donovan:
Why is it that guys that write as well as Rossi always have personalities like Rossi?

Lou Grant:
Maybe... if the two of us went over it together... we could find something wrong with it.

Joe Rossi:
[punching his leg while on a stakeout] I've lost all feeling in this leg.

Detective Collins:
What are you worried about? You don't write with your legs, do ya?

Barbara Shaw:
I just wanted to thank you.

Billie Newman:
Oh, don't.

Barbara Shaw:
I'm gonna save your stories about Marla and Lisa. And when she's old enough, I'll show them to her. She should know about her mother. About what happened. And, that someone cared about it.

Lou Grant:
You're taking stupid chances meeting him alone.

Billie Newman:
You wouldn't say that to Rossi.

Lou Grant:
I encourage Rossi to take stupid chances. But anybody else I would warn, man or woman.

Wilson:
[wearing a nazi uniform] Can I see some I.D., please?

Billie Newman:
[puts on a German accent] Where are your papers?

Wilson:
[she hands over her I.D. and helps him to open it. He writes down her name] You know, we gotta be very careful. We got a lotta nuts coming in here. [hands it back]

Wilson:
[offers Billie some pamflets to choose from] That one in the corner up there, I wrote that myself.

Billie Newman:
[picks it up] Imagine meeting the man who wrote "Race mixing and sex education in our public schools".

Wilson:
[oblivious to her sarcasm] I got some stuff comin' up now that's even better...

Lou Grant:
Look, look, the story isn't that we found a nazi who's Jewish, that's for 'Believe it or Not'. We try to dig a little deeper in our part of the paper. The thing I wanna know is: what turned this Bar Mitzva boy into a nazi with a swastika on his arm?

Rabbi:
When you turn your back on God, which ever way you go, is the wrong direction.

Billie Newman:
There's nobody left to talk to. I did three more teachers, all the students I could track down and now this psychiatrist. The only way I could inverview more people would be to ask "How come you didn't know Donald Sterner?"

Lou Grant:
[Lou's nightside replacement Kendall is running late again] His excuses depress me! The one I hate most is about 'how bad the traffic was coming back from the beach'.

Lou Grant:
[Billie is gesturing to Lou while he's on the phone] Listen, Marcel Marceau is giving a command performance here, and I gotta go.

Billie Newman:
I didn't mean for you to hang up.

Lou Grant:
[eagerly] Did you bring me dinner?

Billie Newman:
No, I'm sorry, Lou, was I supposed to?

Kim:
[Kim is fixing a mechanical typewriter on Lou's desk as he is about to sit down] Guy died in that chair once...

Lou Grant:
I know. That machine killed him.

Animal:
Larry Fox rearended my nose with his fist.

Lou Grant:
Who are you?

Scotty:
I'm Scotty, the night copy kid.

Lou Grant:
You look like a congressman at a picnic.

Lou Grant:
[referring to Corrine's way of handling a phone call] Very cagey.

Corinne:
Cagey, my ladylike behind.

Lou Grant:
[speaking to Mrs. Pynchon on phone] We thought you were out gambling.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[at home in bed] Owning a newspaper's all the gamblin I need to do.

Lou Grant:
Boy, Hal, you sure are a mean one. What kind of a preacher are you?

Hal Hennecker:
Terrible.

Lou Grant:
[to Hal] Take this bilge Corrine wrote and make it sound like news.

Lou Grant:
I respect the right of any moth to be happy and multiply, just not when it gets in the way of a story.

Keith Wilbert:
The demise of the Julian Sphinx moth is just another quietly stated, subtle little warning from nature: pay attention... now.

Billie Newman:
Yet there was something important and basic to journalism through the lives of the three who died. There was the courage and patience of being a pro. Fierce competition and self-doubt, too. In the end, they chose to take a risk because that was part of their job.

Lou Grant:
Ben Pomeroy, Helen Patterson and Bob O'Brien all made a choice - the same choice over and over, no matter how stormy their lives. Like a needle returning steadily to a true direction, they held a commitment to do a job well. There's a dignity and quiet grace in that. Is it comfort enough for those who knew them? It will have to be.

Lou Grant:
That woman snaps up stories like a lizard after flies.

Lou Grant:
These stories sound glamorous, but you know what he's doing right now? Standing in the rain, drinking cold coffee, waiting for a bunch of psychopaths to stop hacking each other to death. Pretty close to heaven, huh?

Margaret Pynchon:
[Mrs. Pynchon has been reluctant to replace Hayward because her husband was godfather to Hayward's son] Oh, lets replace him. You know, that godson didn't turn out so well anyway.

Billie Newman:
You know Lou Grant?

Flo Meredith:
Kind of. We almost got married once.

Billie Newman:
Almost?

Flo Meredith:
Well, he asked me and I said no, and then after a while I thought it over, but I guess he thought it over too and... he never asked me again.

Lou Grant:
[on phone] Billie, I want that interview. The stuff we're getting from you we could pull off the wires.

Billie Newman:
[in telephone booth] Oh, come on, Lou, that's not fair. I hardly have time to eat. Even the other writers have trouble.

Lou Grant:
I don't care if you eat, I don't care about other writers. Now, that, that's part of your problem: you're awed by those guys. You're so impressed you can't write. Now, you got anything else for me?

Billie Newman:
[annoyed] Yeah. Flo Meredith says hi.

Lou Grant:
[brightens up] Flo? Oh, now listen, tell her - [Billie hangs up]

Margaret Pynchon:
Is that lunch, or a suicide attempt?

Lou Grant:
[mouth full] Pastrami, lean. Kinda lean. You wanna have? [offers her some]

Margaret Pynchon:
Oh no, my cardiologist is on vacation.

Margaret Pynchon:
I hear we're being swamped with complaints from groups that are backing Carlisle.

Lou Grant:
Nice to see Billie's story has impact.

Margaret Pynchon:
A runaway bus has impact, Mr. Grant, but it's rarely favorable.

Charlie Hume:
Where'd she get the tip?

Lou Grant:
A source, very reliable.

Rubin Castillo:
I thought 'Very Reliable' lived in Washington.

Adam Wilson:
Yeah, right down the street from 'High Ranking Official'.

Lou Grant:
It's a good senate race, maybe even better than the Presidential election. I think we ought to jump all over it.

Charlie Hume:
Well, we've got Hayward traveling with the campaign, he files every day.

Lou Grant:
Hayward thinks 'I Like Ike' is a hot new slogan.

Charlie Hume:
He really covers the campaing trail.

Lou Grant:
Sure, he's been on it since God was a boy.

Billie Newman:
I'm sorry, I thought you'd be up.

Benson:
Newman, is it?

Billie Newman:
Yeah.

Benson:
Look, ehm, everyone knows this is the first chance I've had to sleep in a week. I'm surprised nobody told you.

Benson:
[Animal has been using Billie's hotel room shower when Benson enters] Oh, eh, pardon me, eh... I-I'll come back.

Billie Newman:
It's okay, he comes with the room. Eh, we're just sharing temporarilly. Eh Griff, this is eh, one of our photographers, Animal.

Dennis "Animal" Price:
[extends his hand] Dennis Price. She just calls me 'Animal'.

Billie Newman:
[on phone in hotel room] We've been getting cold sandwiches for lunch.

Lou Grant:
[on other line, expressing mock sympathy] Aaah...

Billie Newman:
Nooooo, you don't understand. Up 'till now, everthing has been first cabin. We've had hot lunches and nice hotels, and now we're lucky if we get a stale cheese sandwich for lunch and the cockroaches in the rooms are so big we give them names.

Charlie Hume:
[flabbergasted] You haven't had a physical since the army?

Lou Grant:
400 naked guys. I saw a lot of ugly things in the war, but nothing as ugly as that.

Lou Grant:
It's the only way to learn to write; jump in and start doing it.

Chris:
[nervous but excited] Ok, ok, all right. [leaves]

Art Donovan:
That's how my father taught me to swim. He just threw me right in.

Lou Grant:
Hm.

Art Donovan:
[upbeat] I drowned.

Charlie Hume:
I wouldn't worry about it.

Lou Grant:
You wouldn't, huh?

Charlie Hume:
Nah! The human body is prone to knots and bumbs. I mean, we, we, we, we get more and more like trees as we get older.

Lou Grant:
God... what if it's Dutch Elm disease?

National Editor:
The guy got arrested in an Indiana coffee shop for wearing his underpants on his head.

Charlie Hume:
I, I don't think he was arrested for wearing 'em on his head, but for not wearing them some place else.

National Editor:
No, he was fully dressed. He just had his underpants on his head.

Adam Wilson:
I can see grounds for arrest if they were someone else's underpants.

National Editor:
No, no, they were his own underpants.

Springerman:
Did the judge find him guilty?

National Editor:
Strange as it seems, Indiana has no law against wearing your underpants on your head.

Charlie Hume:
Exciting as that is, it just doesn't sound like front page stuff.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Enough. I get nervous when my editors hold hands.

[Charlie Hume is on his way out to give a lecture to some high school journalism students. Donovan is making fun of some of Charlie's "visual aids."]

Art Donovan:
[Pulls out a reporter's notebook from the box] Hey, great! A book! That's what reporters write on!

Lou Grant:
Oh...

Art Donovan:
[Pulls out a roll of wire copy] And some wire copy. What reporters write from.

Lou Grant:
Oh...

Charlie Hume:
I figured one picture's worth a thousand words.

Lou Grant:
That's a hell of a thing to say in a room full of reporters.

Lou Grant:
Dexedrine, what's that, Speed?

Joe Rossi:
Yeah, Speed. That'll put you in the Daytona 500 without a car. It's one of the newer amphetamines.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I don't enjoy losing these hypothetical arguments, Mr. Grant.

Arthur Locatelli:
[armed with a search warrant] Now, which one is Mr. Rossi's desk?

Lou Grant:
Go to hell.

Detective Rather:
Eh Mr. Rossi, we wanna ask you a few questions. Eh... [pulls out his badge and shows it to Rossi] Would you like to come along with us, please?

Walt Krasner:
Are you arresting Mr. Rossi?

Detective Rather:
Oh, no, we just wanna ask him a few questions.

Lou Grant:
I think you'd better arrest him, then.

Joe Rossi:
Lou, what are you doing?

Lou Grant:
Until you're arrested, they don't have to let you have an attorney. And they don't have to tell you what they're thinking of charging you with. Isn't that right, Walt?

Walt Krasner:
That's right, I'm afraid.

Joe Rossi:
Ok, arrest me. [holds up his arms]

Billie Newman:
Lou, how do I dress to cover either a Presidential dinner or a karate festival?

Lou Grant:
I don't know... Maybe a cocktail dress with a black belt?

Carol:
[Sam and Carol's house has broken into but nothing was taken] You know, I almost wish they'd ransacked the place. This is so spooky. I mean, it's neater then when I left it.

Sam Beecher:
Maybe we should call the cops.

Joe Rossi:
For what? Breaking and tidying?

Joe Rossi:
I feel like it's my fault. I brought him into my editor, we sent him back there. [sighs and puts his hands in his hair]

Joe Rossi:
[pause] It would be nice if you'd tell me it's not my fault.

Joe Rossi:
And they can be subject to a years worth of radiation in a single day, right? Is that why you try to find new people?

Dr. Roberta Giani:
Eh, that's generally right.

Joe Rossi:
Generally right? Where specificaly am I not right? I don't wanna be inaccurate.

Dr. Roberta Giani:
No, you're not inacurate.

Joe Rossi:
You mean, you contaminated this place with radiation?

Worker #2:
Oh, don't think we did any real harm. Of course, the chilli in here has never been quite the same, since.

Worker #3:
Yeah, it's better! [laughter from the other workers]

The Animal:
I can hardly wait 'till they turn off the lights and the waitress glows in the dark.

Charlie Hume:
[voice over] Who else do we have down there?

Lou Grant:
Billie and Margaret.

Charlie Hume:
We have a reporter named Margaret?

Lou Grant:
No, a publisher.

Charlie Hume:
Oh, yeah...

Billie Newman:
What do these things have in common? Star Wars, Charlie Brown, the Beatles, All in the Family, the Washington Post and the L.A. Trib?

Lou Grant:
They all make a lot of money, except the Trib.

Billie Newman:
They're all banned in Malaqua, among other things.

Lou Grant:
[takes the list] It's kind of an honor. This is the classiest list since the White House enemies.

Amanda Baroja:
Margaret, I want you to meet my nephew, Juan Luis. One of the worst playboys at UCLA.

Juan Luis:
Abendita, I'm one of the best playboys.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[to Charlie] I received your resignation in the mail this morning. I read it right after a letter offering me five dollars off on my next engine tune up. I threw the resignation in the trash, but I saved the coupon for the engine tune up. You never know, it might come in handy.

Lou Grant:
[to Rossi] You didn't make the reader taste dirt in his morning orange juice.

Charlie Hume:
I did... of course, our dishwasher's broken...

Dennis "Animal" Price:
I feel naked without my camera.

Billie Newman:
Shhh! Don't say words like 'naked' in front of these people.

Joe Rossi:
[answering his phone in the middle of the night] Do you know what time it is? It's three in the morning. I wasn't sleeping because I can't sleep, but If I'd been sleeping, you would'a woke me up!

Lou Grant:
[having been invited for dinner by Billie] What are you having?

Billie Newman:
Why?

Lou Grant:
Because if you're having liver, I don't like it, so I'll have to eat it or put it in my pocket. I don't wanna do that.

Joe Rossi:
Look, Dr. Stanford, one of the things you learn as a reporter is how to read upside down and you haven't been writing down what I've been saying. You're still making notes about me for that patient chart, aren't you?

Joe Rossi:
Look, I'm a lousy host. So eh, what you have to do, if you want anything, just take it.

Carol:
[sitting in a restaurant] What's good here?

Art Donovan:
Anything that comes in a glass.

Lou Grant:
[discussing the rape of a colleague] You've got a right to be upset.

Mrs. Pynchon:
This is not upset, Mr. Grant. This is anger. I am angry. [raises voice] I am angry! I'm angry because I'm frightened. [a bit calmer] Every woman has to be.

Lou Grant:
It's not just women. Everyone's vulnerable to some kind of attack.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Not this kind of attack. It's widespread, it's frequent, it's a giant problem that has never really been faced. And you can't help but wonder, if men were the ones being raped, then wouldn't the problem get solved?

Art Donovan:
[unpacking groceries] I got enough Brussels sprouts to feed an army.

Carol:
What army eats Brussels sprouts?

Art Donovan:
The Belgian army.

Carol:
[walks up to Art's desk] En, who do I talk to about the Trib's lousy coverage of women's tennis?

Art Donovan:
[stands up] Hi. I'm the guy in charge of lousy coverage.

Joe Rossi:
[a suspicious Rossi walks up to Lou] Who are those guys in Charlie's office? They look like cops.

Lou Grant:
They are cops.

Joe Rossi:
Are they looking for me?

Lou Grant:
What have you done?

Joe Rossi:
Nothing. [walks away]

Joe Rossi:
Joe Rossi, Tribune.

Roger Sandler:
Roger Sandler, leaving.

Charlie Hume:
[Ross is not very excited about Charlie's tip hot-line] The competition is interested and I have to fight my own reporter to do the story!

Lou Grant:
The way I see it, you've got to be Dick Tracy or Clark Kent. But you can't be both.

Charlie Hume:
Look, if I rented a car downtown, I'd have to turn it in there, I'd have to take a bus home, I'd have to get Marion to drive me over to the garage, she's hardly ever home before they call. You see?

Lou Grant:
Yeah, sure.

Charlie Hume:
So, I really had no choice, Lou.

Lou Grant:
You had lots of choices, Charlie. They're big and yellow and they're called cabs!

Mrs. Pynchon:
I can handle Mr. Rossi... with my brace on my leg and one hand tied behind my back.

Charlie Hume:
Go get 'em.

Lou Grant:
[a young kid is reading Playboy magazine at a newstand with a friend looking over his shoulder] Hey you! You old enough to be looking at that?

Kid:
Yeah...

Lou Grant:
Put it back.

Kid:
I'm eighteen!

Lou Grant:
[grabs the magazine] You gotta be 42 to look at that. [thumbs through the magazine as the kids leave] Make that 52...

Dennis "Animal" Price:
[about Earls art] Blows your mind, huh?

Mrs. Pynchon:
I don't know if I would use those words, Dennis, but yes, it blows my mind...

Lou Grant:
[Earl is threatening to put a knife in a Botticelli painting] Look at her, Earl, she's beautiful. You couldn't hurt her. Th-think of the man who painted her. That's his feelings up there.

Earl Humphrey:
That man's long gone dead.

Lou Grant:
But, the picture's still alive, though. Huh? The, the man is dust, but the picture is as alive today as the day he painted it.

Dennis "Animal" Price:
When are you gonna start using these canvases?

Earl Humphrey:
[looks around the empty room] Soon as I use up these walls.

Joe Rossi:
[really ticked off] I just came from an interview with some bozo from the news council. I have never seen worse journalistic instincts. I wound up feeding him questions to ask me!

Lou Grant:
Oh, good. I hope you helped him really nail us.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Please sit down, Mr. Rossi.

Joe Rossi:
I'm too T'd off.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[raises her voice] We are all t'd off! [calm again] Notice how nicely the rest of us control it. [Rossi looks a the others, then takes a seat]

Mrs. Pynchon:
I came down to talk about Miss McNeil's child pornography piece.

Lou Grant:
What'd you think?

Mrs. Pynchon:
[sighs and looks disgusted] I thought it was infuriating... depressive... nauseating... and terrific writing.

Lou Grant:
[relieved] Oh, good.

Sharon McNeil:
The only reason I don't have nightmares is because I'm not sleeping.

Lance:
Because of this lousy little ear condition, I'll never be able to go into space. Ever. I've washed out of the program.

Billie Newman:
You were never in the program.

Lance:
I was a lock! Now I'm out. Why is life so hard?

Lieutenant McPhee:
[Sharon has promised not to reveal her sources] What about the school the girl attends? We know that, eh, teacher contacted Joe Rossi initially. Is there a connection? This girl attend the same school?

Sharon McNeil:
I couldn't tell you that, Lieutenant.

Lieutenant McPhee:
Naturally we assume a connection. But if there is none, you could save us a lot of wasted effort. [Sharon avoids answering by sipping from her coffee] By not answering, are you letting me know that there is a connection?

Sharon McNeil:
[slightly agitated] By not answering, I'm not answering.

Art Donovan:
Poor Driscoll. Still thinking that any story with the word 'infant' in it automatically goes to a woman. Do you want me to give it back to him to flesh it out?

Billie Newman:
Hold it, hold it. If I'm willing to put up with Driscoll calling me 'Doll Face', you guys ought to let me profit from it. I want that story.

Art Donovan:
[Lou is a bit hesitant] Go on, I wanna see how Doll Face handles it.

Aaron:
What ever happened to love? Man, I don't wanna sound like Vic Damone, but that girl told me she did it because she loved me!

Lou Grant:
How's your research on teenage pregnancy going?

Billie Newman:
Oh, fine... [picks up her notes] 45.000 teenagers got pregnant in California last year. 94 per cent of teenage girls who get pregnant end up trying to raise the babies themselves, babies of young teens are two to three times more likely to die in their first year, and...

Lou Grant:
One hundred per cent of editors in this City Room are getting very depressed...

Lou Grant:
Listen, when the time comes that we need lawyers to work out our arguments, that's when I'm hanging 'em up.

Billie Newman:
Usually when I feel lousy like this, Lou lets me spill it out on him.

Charlie Hume:
He's one lucky guy.

Jack Towne:
You guys have got it made. All you have to do is sit here ane wait for things to happen. I have to be creative. Five days a week, fifty weeks a year. It's an impossible job.

Art Donovan:
And you prove it. Five days a week, fifty weeks a year.

Lou Grant:
What about Driscoll?

Art Donovan:
Well, he's down in El Segundo. Policemen are on strike.

Lou Grant:
He's covering it?

Art Donovan:
No, he's robbing a bank.

Charlie Hume:
Listen, when we ran those letters last time, our circulation was never better. In fact, I recall a rumor going round that Mrs. Pynchon wrote 'em.

Charlie Hume:
Now anybody who tries to do something nice for somebody is going to be looked upon with suspicion.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, pussycats like me are gonna be outta style.

Lou Grant:
[Lou and Jack always seem to meet in the Paper's bathroom] What do you do? Keep your eye on this place until you see me go in?

Jack Towne:
No, somebody calls me and lets me know.

Larry:
Remember all that money you loaned me, Lou?

Lou Grant:
I never loaned you any money.

Larry:
When I first got outta college and the baby came faster than we planned.

Lou Grant:
That wasn't a loan, that was a gift.

Larry:
Do you know how much it eventually added up to, all together?

Lou Grant:
I don't wanna know.

Larry:
Through those early years, Lou, you loaned me 5246 dollars and 80 cents.

Lou Grant:
You just bought me dinner, so that makes us even. That much?

Dr. Barnes:
[to David Milburn] You're a crook. Well dressed, and in a fancy office, but you're a crook just the same as a guy who goes out and robs a liquor store. And I'm gonna make sure that people know about that, too.

Joe Rossi:
Hey Lou, look at this. This baby can toast six pieces of bread at one time.

Lou Grant:
Oh, great. I could toast bread for the whole week and freeze it.

Lou Grant:
It's funny, isn't it? When you're young, there are so many things you want, things you gotta have or you'll die. I was always saving for something or wishing for something. I guess you outgrow it.

Billie Newman:
And when they gave him ten years, Milburn's face dropped to the floor.

Charlie Hume:
I'd say it was about nine years and ten months more than he expected.

Larry Kean:
[meeting Rossi in a dark parking garage] I could lose my job if I were seen with you.

Joe Rossi:
Who's gonna see you? I can barely see you, Larry.

Liz Harrison:
No, eh, I guess I mean it's kinda hard to get past the cliche's. But... L.A. is the only city where you see men on the streets wearing more jewelry than the women, huh?

Billie Newman:
With cuter behinds, too.

Lou Grant:
[Rossi is packing his stuff] Rossi, you're not leaving...

Joe Rossi:
I'm leaving.

Lou Grant:
You love it here!

Joe Rossi:
I'm miserable here.

Lou Grant:
You wouldn't love it if you weren't miserable.

Joe Rossi:
She told him. She tipped him off about what was gonna come out. She is helping him beat us to the punch.

Lou Grant:
Why do you think something like that?

Joe Rossi:
Because how else would he find out?

Lou Grant:
He would find out from somebody he knew in the D.A.'s Office, in the County Department of Health, in the Mayor's Office, in the Attorney General's Office, I'm running out of fingers, Rossi!

Lou Grant:
I need to know what's going on between you and Archer Corwin.

Liz Harrison:
He's... running of a re-election, and I'm covering the campaign.

Lou Grant:
And beyond that?

Liz Harrison:
What do you mean, beyond that?

Lou Grant:
What do you think I mean, that you both belong to the book of the month club?

Charlie Hume:
According to these records, the only grade you've ever received, is 'A'...

Victor Wilson:
Yes, sir.

Art Donovan:
How'd you manage to learn the rest of the alphabet?

Victor Wilson:
[smiles] I stayed after school. [Donovan laughs]

Lou Grant:
Who's next?

Art Donovan:
Unless it's Clark Kent, I think we've already found our winner.

Lou Grant:
It's not only that Wesley did poorly, eh... Victor Wilson, God bless him, comes off as a cross between O.J. Simpson and Marin Luther King.

Jenny Davis:
Kind of a tacklebustin' preacher man, huh?

Lou Grant:
Ok, so we've got a teacher who sees trouble everywhere and a principal who thinks he's living in Munchkinland.

Lou Grant:
[on phone] Listen, eh, can I come over there and see you?

Jenny Davis:
[on other line] Eh... what for?

Lou Grant:
I don't know... what you're saying doesn't make sense to me. Maybe if I saw your lips moving, I could understand the words a little better.

Officer Andy:
You're credentials, please?

Joe Rossi:
Credentials, out here? I'm breathing, isn't that enough?

Billie Newman:
Great. It was my big scoop, ten seconds ago. Now you can wrap a fish in it.

Joe Rossi:
[Donovan is mixing an asperine in a cup of coffee] Why don't you try a raw egg in your coffee?

Art Donovan:
Why don't you try a raw egg in your socks?

Art Donovan:
I'll have another of whatever this gunk is I'm drinking.

Billie Newman:
I don't care what anybody says, Rossi, I liked the story you wrote on Garber.

Joe Rossi:
Thank you.

Billie Newman:
It was just totally inacurate, that's all.

Warren Woods:
[Rossi has paid an old man 50 bucks to cut his telephone line so he can stay ahead of Woods, the competition] How much to burn down your house?

Old Man:
Four hundred?

Joe Rossi:
[looking at photographs from Lisa's childhood] What did you wanna be when you grew up?

Lisa:
Oh... cowgirl. Or a nun.

Joe Rossi:
[holds up a photo] Which one were you here?

Lisa:
When did you ever see a nun wearing a six shooter?

Lou Grant:
Not now, Corinne, there's a deadline snapping at me like a wild alligator.

Corinne:
Slightly overwrought, darling, but I like the metaphor.

Charlie Hume:
Don't you find sometimes that your jobs interfere with this new found hobby you have, being tracers of lost persons?

Joe Rossi:
We're doing a lot of this in our own time, Charlie.

Charlie Hume:
Like what, nine to six?

Lou Grant:
[to Corinne] Why don't you stay on your own side of the paper, you restaurant wrecker?

Corinne:
[to Animal] I rarely mention this, but I do keep an ememies list.

Lou Grant:
[to Charlie] If you don't get back on the ball, I'm gonna end up with your job and I don't want it!

Charlie Hume:
You know who my closest friend is? My oldest and closest friend?

Lou Grant:
Me.

Charlie Hume:
Oh, right. I guess I mean my closest Los Angeles friend.

Lou Grant:
Me.

Charlie Hume:
Lou, how 'bout my oldest and closest friend who isn't you?

Lou Grant:
[to Orrin and Mitch] Remind me not to start chanting around you guys.

Lou Grant:
[to Orrin] Have I ever shown you my back door? It's really a wonderful back door. It opens right onto an alley. You and Mitch are gonna love it.

[Mrs. Pynchon has been annoyed at the delays in getting a new religion editor]

Lou Grant:
[Walking into Charlie Hume's office] Charlie, I know it's late. But can we go over this list of people for religion editor? I don't think we have any serious candidates. But Mrs. Pynchon just sent down a snippy little note about waiting for puffs of white smoke to come up the stairwell.

Lou Grant:
I've been waiting six months for a desk calendar.

Nick:
You don't still want it, do ya? So much time has passed now, I figured you might as well wait till next year's comes out.

Mrs. Pynchon:
We're not expecting miracles, Mr. Barton, extraordinary results will do.

Lou Grant:
Look, I have it on good authority, that we haven't been pursuing 18 to 39 year old women enough.

Art Donovan:
Lord knows, I'm doing my best.

Michael Barton:
You know what always interests me, and what would interest a lot of our readers?

The Animal:
Pictures of me in a swimsuit.

Michael Barton:
Heh, heh, no. Close.

Joe Rossi:
Look, I'm, I'm kind of in a hurry. Maybe we'd better order and eat fast.

Erin:
Fine. I'll try not to chew.

Billie Newman:
[about a new idea for a news story] Of course, it's not 'zippy' or 'zingy'...

Lou Grant:
It's not sexy, it's not about women 18 to 39, it's not fun... I love it.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[hypothetical] Do you play, Poker, gentlemen?

Charlie Hume:
[serious] I don't think that's the way to settle this.

Lou Grant:
Mrs. Pynchon, do you think it's seemly for your City Editor to have to park his car a block and a half from where he works?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Well you'll note I didn't arrive here by helicopter this morning myself.

Joe Rossi:
[asked to write an article about street bums] Look, most of these guys have been dead for years, they're just waiting to fall down.

Lou Grant:
[on phone] Ok, thanks, Sal.

Sal:
[on other line] Hey Lou, I haven't talked to you in eight years. Don't you wanna know how I'm doing? How my family is?

Lou Grant:
How're you doing? How's Janine.

Sal:
We're divorced.

Lou Grant:
I'm sorry... How'd it happen?

Sal:
Well, if you don't mind, that's a little personal.

Lou Grant:
Ok Sal, don't be a stranger. [prepares to hang up]

Sal:
Call me the next time someone's missing.

Art Donovan:
The Skid Row file. Here's one from 1948. Says Skid Row is on the verge of being eliminated.

Lou Grant:
Hm. It's nice to see we were right on top of it.

Lou Grant:
[Lou offers Doc some money] Can you use this?

Doc:
I'll tell you what. I'll take it, if you'll take my advice.

Lou Grant:
Shoot.

Doc:
[grabs the money] Don't throw your money away on bums, we're not worth it.

Joe Rossi:
Come on, Donovan, I gotta get somebody. Don'tcha think you owe me?

Art Donovan:
You've never done anything for me in your life.

Joe Rossi:
I will.

Lou Grant:
[reading aloud from a list of inmates he's teaching a class to] Leroy Michael Vallow. Murder, life sentence.

Billie Newman:
Don't you find disipline in the class room a problem, Lou?

Lou Grant:
Oh, these guys are so happy to have a diversion, they'd sit there quietly for a half hour if I came in and did a tapdance.

Art Donovan:
I'd sit quietly for an hour to watch you tapdance.

Billie Newman:
I was down at the courthouse, looking for Councilman Garber's divorce years.

Art Donovan:
I hear his wife has some eight by ten glossies.

Dennis "Animal" Price:
Donovan, she's in the middle of an amusing, innocent anecdote.

Art Donovan:
[knocking on the window to Lou's office] Can we come in if we promise not to chew too loud?

J.D.:
I don't know about you guys, but as far as I'm concerned, it's Christmas and this dude just came down the chimney. [referring to Lou Grant]

Art Donovan:
[on phone] Why would someone wanna kidnap a cat? [listens for a moment] Plays the piano? Are we talking about a real piano or just one of those little cord organs that anyone can play? [listens again] Ah. Well, for a kidnapping I'd call the FBI. If they can't help, then try a musician union.

Professor Pober:
All those years I kept referring to myself as a genius, I wasn't joking. It's true, you know.

Joe Rossi:
I never doubted you.

Professor Pober:
I definitely detected skepticism.

Joe Rossi:
No, no, that was awe. I was in awe of your powers of deduction.

Professor Pober:
I don't get very many visitors here at the lab. Eh, would you like something,? Some coffee or something?

Joe Rossi:
Ok, sugar.

Professor Pober:
Ah. [picks up two bottles] Now, one of these is arsenic and one of these is sweetener.

Joe Rossi:
I'll take it black.

Earl Girton:
We don't even know what levels of DBP in people's blood are unsafe.

Lou Grant:
Of course we don't. Because there's not supposed to be any DBP in people's blood. That's antifreeze, not protein.

Chip Murphy:
How are you enjoying your vacation?

Lou Grant:
Very relaxing. I think nest time I'll tell people I'm going out of town, I'll just stay in my house instead.

Charlie Hume:
[during budget meeting] We'll hold it open, we'll see what Rossi comes in with.

Adam Wilson:
I saw what he came in with last night, wouldn't want to put her on the front page.

Lou Grant:
It's always a pleasure to sit on a good story.

Lou Grant:
I'm a very plain man, Mr. Sohner, if that's your name. I don't like subtlety, makes me nervous. You wanna talk to me, talk plain.

Lou Grant:
I say: lets open our eyes and keep going!

Mrs. Pynchon:
I do too.

Lou Grant:
But why don't we...

Mrs. Pynchon:
[interrupting] Mr. Grant, please. I've already made the decision. Why must you continue making arguments when people are agreeing with you?

National Editor:
[during budget meeting] This is not on the budget, but I have something interesting developing.

Charlie Hume:
Well, put some ointment on it.

Lou Grant:
When Charlie gets through working you over, you never know whether you've been assaulted or massaged.

Art Donovan:
I hate to get chewed out by Charlie. 'Cause he's kind and calm. You almost hate yourself for putting him through it.

Lou Grant:
They're still being rough on you in Toy Town?

Mike Kessler:
By the time the '84 Olympics get here, they may let me cover Field Hockey. [a beat] Women's Field Hockey.

Bartender:
[having just taken a telephone message] Lou, some chick named Pynchon wants to see you.

Sid Locke:
You know, you should be working for a newspaper in the land of Oz!

Lou Grant:
While you try to cover up for Munchkins who shave points.

Charlie Hume:
That wasn't a bad four dollar lunch.

Lou Grant:
Yeah, too bad it cost ten...

Mrs. Lacy:
Don't you want to look at the kitchen too?

Lou Grant:
No.

Mrs. Lacy:
Smart. If you never learn how to cook, someone else will always do it for you.

Lou Grant:
Right.

Lou Grant:
Why do beach stories take twice as long as stories on the inner city?

Billie Newman:
It's hard to walk through the sand...

Lieutenant McPhee:
I'll tell you one thing... [takes a bite of Doreen's apple pie]... whoever is living in Charlie Hume's house, isn't with the Los Angeles Police Department.

Joe Rossi:
Boy, I knew it. I told Charlie this whole thing stinks.

Lieutenant McPhee:
You think that stinks? You ought to try the apple pie.

Lou Grant:
This guy Thatcher was pretty convincing.

Lieutenant McPhee:
And pretty thorough. If my wife had kept the house this clean, I never would have divorced her.

Charlie Hume:
Dillon, Collins, whoever you are, what the hell was going on in my house and why did you lie to us?

Thatcher:
I only lied about my name.

Lou Grant:
And about your connection with L.A.P.D.

Thatcher:
You said L.A.P.D., not me.

Marian Hume:
Look on the bright side: we got our ceiling painted.

Art Donovan:
Rossi... [holds up a note as Rossi walks towards him] We got a homicide, 112th and Beaumont.

Joe Rossi:
Speed Street? I did a piece on this once.

Art Donovan:
Why do you think I'm giving you this story?

Joe Rossi:
You liked it, huh?

Art Donovan:
No, but you can find the place quicker than anybody else.

Joe Rossi:
We're not cops, we're reporters.

Eddie:
No kidding. You gonna put us on TV?

Oscar:
They ain't on TV, you gotta be pretty to be on TV!

Art Donovan:
[Rossi and Milt are arguing about their story] Nice to see we're getting the violence of the streets and into the newsroom.

Charlie Hume:
Well, you've got to admit that the idea of special sections to appeal to the different interests of our readership makes sense.

Lou Grant:
We already have special sections. They're called Business, Sports, Real Estate, Entertainment. We even have a special section for News.

Joe Rossi:
[holding a card] Milt gave me this. [reads aloud] 'This card entitles the bearer, Joseph Rossi, to save passage through the ghetto and confers on him the title of honorary negro'. Negro, does anyone still use that term?

Billie Newman:
I think that card's expired.

Animal:
I don't function well in groups. They make me feel alienated. I withdraw. I become depressed.

Rossi:
[sighs] In other words: you've got things you'd rather do.

Animal:
Well yeah, that too.

Gus Murray:
I just hope everybody understands one thing: if it keeps going like it is, nobody is gonna make it through, not even the paper itself. This could be the one that sinks the Trib.

Art Donovan:
[sounding nervous] I never know what to wear on a picket line...

Billie Newman:
[the Newspaper workers are on strike] Oh, didn't you here? Ivey took another job.

Art Donovan:
She what? Where?

Billie Newman:
Long Beach paper.

Art Donovan:
And she wanted to nail Adam Wilson. I'd like to nail her ample behind.

Charlie Hume:
[Charlie is shaving in the Tribune bathroom when Lou comes in] Hey, how do you feel?

Lou Grant:
They haven't invented the term.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[cheerful] Would anybody like some juice?

Charlie Hume:
[off screen] Not me, thank you.

Lou Grant:
It's a little early for juice. [Mrs. Pynchon laughs]

Billie Newman:
What'd you tell 'em?

Rick Henshaw:
I told 'em to kiss off! [Billie giggles] But not in those words.

Billie Newman:
[about Suave Magazine's Mascot of the Month] It's all fantasy, isn't it? To think that you can live forever in one perfect photograph.

Art Donovan:
[taking the magazine from Animal] And that is a perfect photograph. This is the kind of magazine Mrs. Pynchon ought to buy instead of 'Lively Arts'.

Lou Grant:
Donovan, take over the desk.

Art Donovan:
You're chair is too high. And you never have enough pencils.

Lou Grant:
Yeah. Well don't swivel it down like you did the last time so that my nose was resting on the desk. You use your own chair.

Joe Rossi:
If Donovan's city editor, who's the assistant?

Lou Grant:
You want it, you got it.

Joe Rossi:
I didn't say I wanted it.

Art Donovan:
[sitting down in Lou's chair] Don't let the power go to your head.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[recovering from her stroke, Mrs. Pynchon speaks with difficulty] You... have... totally... mishandled the pension funds story.

Lou Grant:
It's nice to hear you say that, Mrs. Pynchon.

Charlie Hume:
Very nice.

Wild Bill:
You see, eh, when I was growing up on a ranch, my uncle and I, eh, he was half Cherokee, we had to pull about a hundred head o' cattle out of the mud on horseback.

Charlie Hume:
I thought you said you grew up in Germany?

Wild Bill:
Oh, yeah, well, those are my early years.

Lou Grant:
For God's sake, Bill, how many childhoods did you have?

Lou Grant:
Rossi, we got a big story here!

Joe Rossi:
Bigger than the imminent collapse of Western Civilization as we know it?

Lou Grant:
When it collapses, Rossi, it's your story.

Lou Grant:
[Lou and Rossi are stuck in Donovan's house] Found something to keep you warm. [trows a women's nightie at Rossi]

Joe Rossi:
Heh! Must be the psychiatrist's.

Lou Grant:
Donovan goes to a psychiatrist?

Joe Rossi:
No, he goes out with one.

Charlie Hume:
Lou and Rossi marooned in the same house together. Out of that'll either come a six part story...

Animal:
Or a murder - suicide.

Lou Grant:
Relax, Rossi. They'll send a road crew to pick us up.

Joe Rossi:
Channel Ten. I hate to be saved by Television!

Lance Reinecke:
[on the site of a motorcycle accident] How would you estimate his condition?

Policeman:
I'd estimate he bought the farm.

Lance Reinecke:
So we got this very straight, very established guy, who's involved with hookers.

Lou Grant:
[unimpressed] So? A straight guy goes to hookers.

Lance Reinecke:
Not a hot flash, okay. But then I ask the hookers about it, they get nervous.

Lou Grant:
[matter of factly] You ask hookers questions, and they act nervous.

Lance Reinecke:
Not surprising? Okay, but then this dude, this pimp or something tries to warn me off.

Lou Grant:
You make hookers nervous and the pimp warns you off.

Lance Reinecke:
Okay, okay. I'm not saying stop the presses or anything, I just feel like I'm on to something.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Tiffany's going to learn the newspaper business. Starting at the bottom.

Charlie Hume:
Where's that?

Mrs. Pynchon:
[chuckles] Where I started.

Charlie Hume:
As the owner?

Mrs. Pynchon:
As... a copygirl.

Lou Grant:
Never trust anyone named after a jewelry store.

Lou Grant:
How's your Spanish holding up?

Billie Newman:
If it means a trip to Barcelona, teriffico.

Lou Grant:
Well, eh, it's about Tiffany.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Oh, you don't have to give me special reports. But as long as you're here, how is she doing?

Lou Grant:
Well, she... makes great coffee. Best we've ever had in the newsroom.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Oh, I'm delighted to hear that, if she ever inherits this newspaper I'm sure that will come in very handy. Is there anything else?

Lou Grant:
Yes, there is. She's gone.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I have a feeling you've left out something between the great coffee and her departure.

Mrs. Pynchon:
I will have us known as the Los Angeles Tribune and Enchilada Company!

Lou Grant:
[about Mrs. Pynchon's nephews] I don't know them, but I don't think I like them.

Mrs. Pynchon:
Then, Mr. Grant, you do know them.

Charlie Hume:
Lou, I... I assumed you knew that this was black tie...

Lou Grant:
I didn't. But I am wearing one black sock.

Billie Newman:
There've been rumors circulating around the building for days. You guys aren't helping any, standing around wispering with long faces...

Lou Grant:
I always wanted a long face...

Mrs. Pynchon:
Well, what can I say, except what William Shakespeare said: "Friends am I with you, and love you all." [cheers and applause from the newspaper staff]

Lou Grant:
And, and what can we say except what Romeo said: "Mrs. Pynchon, you're o.k." [laughter]

Art Donovan:
[about the uprising in Kular] How come they didn't throw out the French along with the Americans?

Charlie Hume:
They get more attention by throwing out Americans.

Charlie Hume:
Phil, what's the feeling on the foreign desk about Kular?

Foreign Editor:
Eh, don't drink the water. Or the Oil.

Mr. Bouf:
[having just shown Animal his bomb shelter in the garden] You show the interior of the shelter, just fine. But I don't want my neighbors to know I'm protected. There's only room for one couple down there.

Animal:
Just you and your wife.

Mr. Bouf:
If she watches her step...

Art Donovan:
Well, if there is a nuclear holocaust, will you save me a copy of the final edition? It could be a collectors item.

Claire:
Charlie, there are 50.000 nuclear warheads in the world today. We've got 30.000, the Russians have 20.000. Every city in the United States, with a population as small as 25.000 could be targeted. Los Angeles alone may have a, a dozen bombs aimed at it, right now. Each one, 70 times the explosive power of Hiroshima. At any given moment, we're a half hour away from annihalation.

Charlie Hume:
I wanna thank you in advance for the wonderful night sleep I'm gonna have.

Frank Harris:
I just turned in my resignation. I'm going to were the air is cool and clean and you don't have to lock your doors at night.

Art Donovan:
I didn't know they had a paper in Antarctica.

Billie Newman:
Who's the most appealing girl in the City Room?

Lou Grant:
[without looking up] You are.

Billie Newman:
[smiles] No, that's not why I asked... Who is it that... all of the single men and two thirds of the married men lust after?

Lou Grant:
Lust? Heidi.

Billie Newman:
What if I told you that she asked somebody out and he refused?

Lou Grant:
I wouldn't believe it. [looks up] Who?

Billie Newman:
Animal.

Lou Grant:
[thinks for a moment] Maybe he's joined some new order of celibate photographers.

Lou Grant:
You find out why that girl killed herself?

Animal:
She... hooked onto somebody she couldn't have. It was crazy.

Lou Grant:
Yeah. Like some guy falling in love with a dead girl.

Sutton:
Eh, I cleaned your windshield off. That ought to be worth something, don't you think?

Lou Grant:
[takes a good look] No, you didn't clean my windshield... you just spread the dust and the bugs around.

Sutton:
Well, shoot, there's a little spot in the center there you can see through if you duck your head a little.

Lou Grant:
[inquiring about The Animal] Does he ever take hallucinogenics?

Joe Rossi:
Are you kidding? He is an hallucinogenic.

Lou Grant:
You ever think of Vietnam?

Charlie Hume:
You mean the war? Not if I can help it.

Lou Grant:
I think there's a story there.

Charlie Hume:
Lou, we had the Vietnam War on the front page for over seven years. You really think there's something more to be said that hasn't already been chewed over?

The Animal:
Something to drink?

Lou Grant:
Oh, yeah, you, eh, you got any Scotch?

The Animal:
No, eh... I got some apple cider. The color's close...

Lou Grant:
Why don't you try me?

The Animal:
It's a long story, Lou.

Lou Grant:
I don't have to go to work 'till nine tomorrow morning.

Joe Rossi:
[arguing] Boy, you guys think news is like wine, it's gotta be aged before you run it.

Lou Grant:
Not aged, accurate!

Art Donovan:
[impressed with Lou's hospital nurse, Leslie] When you press this button, she comes?

Lou Grant:
[groggy ] Yeah, sooner or later.

Art Donovan:
I gotta get one of these.

Mrs. Pynchon:
[Visiting Lou at home, Mrs. Pynchon notices Lou has got a soap opera on] Well, Kristie's up to her old tricks again, I see.

Lou Grant:
You watch this show?

Mrs. Pynchon:
Well, not recently, but I got hooked on it when I was laid up.

Joe Rossi:
[smiling broadly] Sure is nice to be working for a class outfit.

Art Donovan:
You mean they finally put paper towels in the men's room?

Lou Grant:
What does smog do to you?

Billie Newman:
It makes my eyes water.

Lou Grant:
As a story?

Billie Newman:
It makes my mouth water.

Lou Grant:
Boy, you're perky this evening. Perky doesn't work on you.

Billie Newman:
Doctor Stiefel?

Carlton Stiefel:
Yes?

Billie Newman:
I'm Billie Newman from the Tribune.

Carlton Stiefel:
Oh.

Billie Newman:
Can I walk you to your car?

Carlton Stiefel:
Well, shouldn't I walk you to your car?

Billie Newman:
We're probably in the same lot...

Carlton Stiefel:
[spiteful] I need some fresh air. [rising from his chair] Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to find any in this city.

Billie Newman:
You scare me. You touch something inside of me that makes me feel out of control. And it's what I really love about us being together, but... it's also real hard for me. It's so hard that I was willing to blow everything not to have to face it. But I can't do that because I love you too much. So, if you still want me, I'm available.

Ted McCovey:
Billie, I want you forever.

Art Donovan:
You know what they call a newspaper that insists on publihing stories that people don't wanna read?

Billie Newman:
'Professional'.

Art Donovan:
'Out of business'.

Lou Grant:
[Lou and his daugher Janie meet for the first time in years] You're an editor and you write stories?

Janie:
Hm-hm.

Lou Grant:
I'm proud of you.

Janie:
No...

Lou Grant:
No? No isn't an anwer to that.

Lou Grant:
Look, Mr. Wilke.

Chet Wilke:
Chet, please.

Lou Grant:
Chet, please, I don't have kids, I'm hardly here, I don't even have that many towels. What am I gonna do with a pool?

Chet Wilke:
You are gonna enjoy life to the fullest, my friend, that's what you're gonna do with your pool.

Lou Grant:
[getting angry] Ok, now let me tell you what you're gonna do with your pool.

Billie Newman:
Lou, Robinson's taken a turn for the worse. He's back on the operating table.

Lou Grant:
[Lou is lying on the floor to sooth his aching back] I may join him there...

Art Donovan:
Mr. Wilke?

Lou Grant:
Yeah... he's selling swimming pools, door to door.

Art Donovan:
Door to door, huh? What does he do, keep 'em in a little attache case?

Lou Grant:
[on phone with Chet Wilke] In court? Right... I'll be the guy with your throat in my hands.