Lucky Louie

Shannon:
[sets bottle of gin on the counter and hands him her ID]

Clerk:
This ID says you're sixteen.

Shannon:
Oh, sorry, wrong ID.

Shannon:
This is my professor, Bill. He's been all over the world... he just got back from Toronto!

Kim:
Shannon, what is all this sh*t? You were supposed to be watching Lucy!

Shannon:
My FRIENDS were helping me WATCH HER.

Kim:
They were drinking beer and having sex!

Shannon:
Oh please Kim, who do you think you are?

Rich:
[muttering under his breath] Irritating b*tch.

Kim:
Excuse me? What was that?

Rich:
Hey, blow me, OK?

Kim:
What?

Rich:
[hesitating] I said, blow me?

Kim:
OK, fine. Take it out and I'll blow you.

Rich:
[frightened] What?

Kim:
If you take it out and it's hard, I swear to God I will suck it.

Rich:
[nervous] Yeah, don't tempt me, babe.

Kim:
Come on, let's go. Whip it out, Rich.

[Rich looks at the ground]

Kim:
Thought so.

[walks away giving Louie a dirty look]

Rich:
What the hell just happened, Lou?

Kim:
So we always hated each other?

Louie:
Yeah!

Kim:
Isn't that bad?

Louie:
No, it's great. 'Cause all married couples hate each other. The ones that don't make it are the ones that can't handle it. But we know we can handle it 'cause it's been there since the beginning. But we still chose to be together.

Kim:
Yeah, we did. This marriage was built on hate!

Louie:
That's why it's gonna last forever.

[They hold hands and look at each other]

Louie:
Listen, tonight when we get home... I'm gonna f*** your tits off.

[last lines]

Walter:
[looks in the mirror and imitates Bill Cosby] So, you see... Pudding pops are so delicious because they put a smile on your face. And you just say 'Oh, boy!' And your stomach says 'Thank you very much for the pudding pop.' And you say 'You're welcome, stomach.' And then your stomach says 'I think I want another pudding pop with all the chocolate and the vanilla and the flavors... '

[Ellen looks at Walter disapprovingly. Walter pauses]

Walter:
[still imitating Bill Cosby] You know what, b*tch? You can kiss my ass!

[Louie is having a family barbecue in the courtyard]

Rich:
Hey, everybody! You wanna hear a funny joke?

Louie:
Hey, whoa, Rich, don't tell a joke! There's kids here.

Rich:
Don't worry. It's completely clean. It's a kids' joke. Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

Mike:
I don't know. Why?

Rich:
Because he heard the referee was blowin' fowls.

Mike:
I don't get it.

Rich:
"Fowl" is a double entendre, a**hole. It means the ref was suckin' the chicken's dick.

Louie:
Jesus! Shut up, Rich!

Rich:
All right, fine! Back to boring.

[last lines]

Louie:
Look you want another baby and maybe it's for a stupid reason! But, what, am I supposed to let them tell us? The phone company, and the cable company? Am I supposed to let them tell us...

[to the clerk]

Louie:
Am I supposed to let you tell me that we can't have another baby?

Clerk:
That's right, sir.

Louie:
Well, guess what, a**hole? We're gonna go home and we're gonna make another baby right now!

Kim:
Wow, honey, you got like an anger boner right now!

Louie:
I'm gonna f*** your tits off!

Louie:
Do you know much we have in checking right now? Negative 50 dollars. We have to raise 50 bucks to be broke.

Kim:
I don't care. I'm not waiting. Lucy is four already. I'm getting pregnant right now!

Louie:
You ain't gettin' pregnant without my sperm.

Kim:
That is not your sperm! That is our sperm! That's my sperm! [grabs for Louie's crotch] Give it back! Give me! Give it!

Kim:
[Kim tries to seduce Louie by bending over] Ooh, look at the dirty, dirty stove.

Louie:
Cut it out.

Kim:
Why? Am I turning you on?

Louie:
Yes, dummy.

Kim:
Well... [grabs Louie's genitals] Do something about it, you big f***in' polesmoker.

Louie:
[sadly] We can't afford it.

Kim:
Stop thinking about money. The only thing you should be thinking about... [bends over] is all this ass.

Louie:
[talking into Kim's behind] We can't afford it!

Kim:
Yeah, talk to it, baby.

Louie:
Look, I would love to tap that ass.

Kim:
So tap it!

Louie:
I want to but my dick is too aware that your p*ssy is a chamber of financial ruin.

Kim:
Are you serious?

Louie:
I'm sorry. I need at least 3000 dollars in an interest bearing account to get fully hard.