Magnum, P.I.

Mac:
Time has little to do with infinity and jelly donuts

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
[referring to the Navy] Why did you quit?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
It wasn't anything earth shattering. I woke up one day, age 33, and realized I'd never been 23.

[Rick is trying to pay Higgins]

Orville 'Rick' Wright:
Here, for your inconvenience.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
[refusing it] I don't accept tips.

Theodore 'TC' Calvin:
I'll bet you don't give 'em either.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
I did it because you have more dumb luck than anyone I know.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Robin never does research.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
If basketball was all there was to life, you'd be set.

Margo Perina:
[Magnum is trying to tell one women why another is in his room] It would take a 1930's movie to explain this and I bear no resemblence to Myrna Loy.

[Higgins and Magnum find out Central Grocers is a front for laundering money]

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Well, I doubt you'll still find the money in your local accommodating bank. The funds have probably been transferred to a tax haven country. I'm quite familiar with this type of laundering scheme from my days in MI6. I remember one most intriguing case...

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
[interrupting] Do you have the number of the Central Grocers?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
[voiceover] I know what you're thinking. Forcing the issue with Blaylock was kind of like cramming for finals the night before. But you can't be a student forever. Sooner or later, you have to graduate.

[repeated line]

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Now I know what you're thinking.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Thanks doctor, you're a lifesaver.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Lifesaver... I'm a coroner.

[repeated line]

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
[angrily] Oh, my God, Magnum!

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Kacy left with a different guy every night, what's the difference?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Difference is she's dead.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
[voiceover] Hawaii is one of those places that keeps topping itself - just when you think you'll never see a sunset as beautiful, there comes a sunrise that even Gauguin can only imagine. It kind of makes unemployment easier to take.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Magnum...

[Higgins watches Magnum sunbathing]

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Oh, Magnum.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Hi, Higgins, Di.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
I have a proposition for you, Magnum.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Now wait a minute, just wait a second, Higgins. Now this is really getting depressing, this constant deal making - I'll give you this if you give me that, it's so unnecessary. Now here we are in paradise, we have everything we could ever possibly want out of life just here. So why, why can't we just do things for one another simply because we want to, simply because we're friends, simply because we feel like helping each other?

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Magnum, I want you to know I'm quite touched, I never thought you were capable of those admirable sentiments, I really mean that.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Thank you.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
I came here this morning to, just as you so aptly describe it, make a deal. You see the lads have been under the weather and I need to pick up some paperwork from the club. I was going to ask you to fetch it for me and in return I was going to give you the use of the tennis court for one week. Now I'm just asking you as a friend.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Make it two weeks.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
One of the cliches of my profession is that to get information from a bartender you have to slip him bills of various denominations. Bills that you can't afford with pictures of unfamiliar presidents and usually for information that isn't worth it.

Higgins:
I say did someone die?

Magnum:
What?

Higgins:
You're almost wearing a suit. should think the only occasion in which you would do that would be a funeral.

TC:
What is wrong with everyone? Thomas' sitting there like his mother just died, you come driving up here like a lunatic and if anybody should be mad it should be me!

TC:
[Higgins is preparing for the arrival of an old flame] Hey Higgins, when is mamma coming in?

Mac:
[stuck in a room with a computer and an embezzler] You suppose you can play gin without cheating?

TC:
[Higgins is all dressed up] Now Higgie-baby, that is bad.

Higgins:
Thank you. I am assuming that is a compliment.

TC:
Right on.

Magnum:
It was all planned, back at Duc Hue?

Ivan:
Not specifics, not even target. Just trigger.

Magnum:
How many others are out there like T.C.?

Ivan:
You are still a schoolboy, Thomas, using schoolboy tricks.

Magnum:
[shakes his head] No tricks. Who's next on your hit list, Begin? Thatcher? Reagan?

Ivan:
I have a plane to catch. If you are going to shoot me, do it now.

[Magnum doesn't do anything]

Ivan:
You won't. You can't. I know you, Thomas. I had you for three months at Doc Hue. I know you better than your mother. Your sense of... honor and fair play. Oh, you could shoot me - if I was armed and coming after you. But like this - Thomas... never. Goodbye, Thomas. Do svidaniya.

[Ivan tosses his cigarette and starts to walk away]

Magnum:
Ivan?

Ivan:
[stops] Yes?

Magnum:
Did you see the sun rise this morning?

Ivan:
Yes. Why?

[Magnum turns around and shoots Ivan]

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
Did you see the sunrise this morning?

Ivan:
Yes, why?

[Magnum spins around and fires at Ivan]

[Higgins answers Robin Masters's private phone]

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Yes sir, Mr. Masters?

Theodore 'T.C.' Calvin:
[over the phone] Yeah, baby, let me talk to Thomas Magnum.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
[angrily confronting his former superior officer] What's all this crap about Dan Cook smuggling coke?

Yuri Dolgof:
You're a private investigator?

Magnum:
Yes. [laughs amiably while drying his hair with a towel]

Yuri Dolgof:
You are wearing a swimsuit.

Magnum:
Don't worry, I got a whole closet full of pants.

Magnum:
Remember I told ya I didn't like getting egg on my face? Well right now, I'm wearing a whole omelet.

Magnum:
Oh, come on, TC, is it too much to ask to get my slides right side up?

TC:
Not a problem, not a problem, not to worry. I forgot what a nasty C.O. you can be...

Magnum:
[attempting to bribe the house detective] Look, couldn't we settle this with a little green piece of paper, you know the kind with Andrew Jackson's picture on it?

Higgins:
It is eminently satisfying, Magnum, to know that as a result of this, a few heads will roll in Moscow. You know, when I was in Vienna, the Sovjets tried to recruit me as an agent. Unbelievable crude, I came home one night to find a naked woman in my bed. I knew immediately she was Russian. They use stainless steel [taps his teeth] instead of gold.

Orville 'Rick' Wright:
That's exactly the way I told it.

Theodore 'TC' Calvin:
No, it isn't!

Orville 'Rick' Wright:
Except...

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Except that neither of you is reciting anything even remotely resembling the truth! But then, what can one expect from simple, primitive minds that overload at the drop of a multi-dependent, clause-declarative sentence?

Orville 'Rick' Wright:
What?

Magnum:
[a drugged Higgins has been rambling with one of his stories as Magnum carries him on his back up the side of a mountain] Higgins, SHUT UP!

Retired Police Sergeant Michael Doheny:
She was my granddaughter! You slimy bastard. You beat her face to a pulp. You broke her body down to nothin' and then you threw her in an alley to die. And I'm gonna do the same thing to you.

[while Magnum walks about in the market and asks questions about Marcus, Rose's henchwomen Crystal and Sylvia approach him. Sylvia threatens Magnum with a pocketknife. They take him to an abandoned warehouse]

Magnum:
This is not where my car is parked. Alright, girls, you want to tell me what's going on? I mean, if this is a robbery, I got about eight bucks.

[Crystal throws her handbag on the floor]

Magnum:
[to Sylvia] Here, you want my watch? It cost about $ 17.95 at the...

[Sylvia folds the pocketknife and puts it away. Crystal gives a battle-cry and kicks Magnum in the face]

Magnum:
C'mon!

[Sylvia kicks Magnum in the chest and strikes on his neck. Magnum is thrown against the wall]

Magnum:
That's enough! Never hit a woman before in my...

[Magnum gets another kick in the face from Crystal]

Crystal, Rose's henchwoman:
[smiles viciously] Maybe it's about time you suddenly started, before it's too late...

Magnum:
That's it!

[Magnum gets up and charges. Crystal gives another battle-cry. She and Sylvia kick and beat Magnum severely, until he is down. Crystal approaches him]

Crystal, Rose's henchwoman:
See, Rose doesn't like anybody snooping in this territory. Do you understand?

[Tracy enters]

Tracy Spencer:
Freeze! Police!

[Crystal and Sylvia run to the back door, finding it locked. Crystal kicks it open, and they escape. Tracy approaches Magnum]

Tracy Spencer:
Are you alright?

Magnum:
Why didn't pull you your gun?

Tracy Spencer:
[embarrassed] Because it got stuck... in my make-up case.

[Magnum sighs]

[at the mansion, Tracy is treating Magnum's bruised face with cold compresses]

Tracy Spencer:
You know, I mean this in the very best sort of way, but have you ever considered taking a self-defense course?

Magnum:
They were women!

Tracy Spencer:
That's my point... poor thing.

[Tracy absently presses the compresses to her face. Higgins walks in]

Higgins:
Oh, good, Magnum, you're here because...

Higgins:
[to Tracy] Good lord, are you alright?

Tracy Spencer:
Oh no, I'm fine.

Magnum:
[angrily] Is SHE alright? Is she alright? Higgins, look at my body!

Higgins:
I'm not blind, Magnum. I can see that you look like bloody hell. Actually though, this is a minor beating compared to some you've taken. On a relative scale, it merely counts as a "dusting up". I remember doing my first tour of duty in India...

[as usual, Higgins launches into one of his boring stories, this time about his first trip to India]

TC:
Pickled egg, please.

Magnum:
TC, no! C'mon, can't you come up with another joke? I mean, three days in a row? Besides, you know I hate to fish those stinky things out. I HATE 'em!

TC:
Pickled egg, please.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
Whadya do for a living? Rip off the Navy Relief Fund? Hold high-stakes poker games and leave guys like me holding the bag?

Jim Bonig:
I took the bag.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
You know what I mean!

Magnum,:
[narrating] You know, there's some quotations that would make good rules to live by. For instance: never drive behind an old man wearing a hat, or another: it's always brightest just before the storm. If I'd remembered that one, I'd really have been on my guard, because the afternoon it all started, was a truly beautiful day.

Rick:
A naked starlet?

Joan Gibson:
Oh, she was Scandinavian, so it really didn't count.

Mad Buck Gibson:
You know the last time I saw her namesake, we were up in Tarchello up in the Italian alps near Yugoslavia. She was entertaining the troups and I was covering the Big Bang for old uncle Henry Lewis... It seems like yesterday about two hundred years ago.

TC:
Eh, you know, I know you get tired of hearing this, but I've read all of your books.

Mad Buck Gibson:
Oh come on, not all...

TC:
All twenty-seven. My favorite is 'Curse of the Aztec Goddess'.

Mad Buck Gibson:
Right.

TC:
I mean you're sort of an inspiration to me, because I've sort of working on something of my own. You know, maybe when I finish a chapter, you'd read it?

Mad Buck Gibson:
Oh yeah, you got it, BC.

TC:
TC.

TC:
Yeah, yeah, so anyway, my next favorite one was 'Dagger of the Scorpion'.

Mad Buck Gibson:
Oh.

TC:
That's where the guy gets the girl in the bathtub...

Rick:
[interrupting] Yeah!

TC:
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

Rick:
Yeah, yeah, yeah and she gives him the mickey! Hey Buck, can you really make a mickey out of asperin, baking soda and aftershave lotion?

Mad Buck Gibson:
Pal, you give me a medicine cabinet and I can make a mickey out of anything.

Magnum:
[reading Buck's note] Sorry for the grief, pal, I'm taking off for Asgard. Tell Joan she's a brick, Buck.

Joan Gibson:
Oh, the vanity.

Magnum:
Where is Asgard?

Joan Gibson:
Not where, Magnum, what. Asgard is Norse mythology. It's the home of slain heroes.

Higgins:
Don't you feel it, Magnum? The comforting void of Buck's absence?

Jim the Bartender:
I never met a friend of Buck's who didn't drink a Bazooka.

Mad Buck Gibson:
I was always afraid of dying. But now, death has screwed up. He's overplayed his hand. You see, it's the only thing that we're really afraid of in death. We know it's inevitable, we just don't know when. But now, don't you see, now I know that death can't cheat me of life, can't cheat me of really, truly living a full life. Because... now I don't have to hold back something to save for tomorrow or the next year or for next summer. Now I know that there never will be another summer. I know there will never be another morning quite as glorious such as this. You see I won. Because I've nothing to lose.

Mad Buck Gibson:
What's a pal for if not to see a pal off, hm?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
I just said I understood. It's like my friends and I when we remember Vietnam. It was so terrible there, I don't think there's any words to describe it, and yet...

Joan Gibson:
You were never more alive.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
...Well, it's not that we're old. It's just that we're not young anymore.

TC:
[slowly and with emphasis] Why hasn't she contacted you?

Magnum:
Well, it would all have been pretty traumatic, maybe she has amnesia.

TC:
Oh come on, you believe that?

Magnum:
No! But it's possible!

TC:
It's also possible that I might hook up with Diana Ross, but I ain't counting on it.

Rick:
I would like to propose a toast... to the luckiest couple in Saigon. Me and TC. [Magnum laughst hysterically]

TC:
Say what? [laugh nonetheless]

Rick:
No I mean it, we are the last of the bachelors. Everyone else we know is married.

TC:
Orville, I've heard you say some dumb things in my life, but that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard you say.

Magnum:
No, I think that's a good toast, TC, I'll drink to that.

Michelle:
Eh, you'll drink to anything.

Rick:
You see, you've only been married three hours and already she's cuttin' ya up on the booze.

Rick:
And I got one more toast...

Michelle:
Yes! [raises glass]

TC:
No...

Rick:
...and this one is gonna kill ya... [an explosion rocks the entire bar]

Higgins:
Magnum, I don't know if you're pulling my leg as yanks put it, or not. But you are acting frightfully strange.

Magnum:
Strange?

Higgins:
Yes. You're being nice.

Magnum:
I'm sorry Higgins, I didn't know that was bad.

Higgins:
Well with anyone else it wouldn't be, but with you, one must be suspicious.

Magnum:
Well, I will try and revert to type.

Higgins:
Please. You're upsetting our relationship. Being nice makes me... quite uncomfortable.

Magnum:
[Rick has grabbed a small Vietnamese boy] Rick, what the hell are you doing?

Rick:
While you were biddyboppin' around, little Victor Charlie here has been right on your tail.

Magnum:
What?

Rick:
That's right. [the kid makes a break for it but Rick grabs him once more]

Magnum:
Will you let him go?

TC:
Hey hey, he's right, man. We spotted him awhile back.

Magnum:
That little turkey stole my wallet!

Colonel Ki:
With all due respect, General Hue, I have my own authority. I came here to tell you this out of courtesy, not necessary.

General Nguyen Hue:
You came out of hate and petty jealousy.

Magnum:
We lost the war, Buck. It was over.

Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC:
That war's never over.

Magnum:
[narrating] There are times you know the worst has happened without anyone telling you. My heart was racing, my palms were beginning to sweat. I knew my nightmare was beginning again. Only this time, I was wide awake.

Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC:
What do you know about the Tiger?

Magnum:
[pointing a gun at Buck] Not much, but you're gonna brief me.

Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC:
I can't do that, Tom.

Magnum:
Oh shucks, Buck, why not?

Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC:
Rules are rules.

Colonel 'Buck' Greene, USMC:
Yeah, 'an eye for an eye' is my favorite one.

Orville 'Rick' Wright:
Taste this. The South Africans even go nuts for it.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
[Magnum is "playing" the saxophone] Magnum... Magnum!... Magnum!

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
Hi, Higgins!

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
How fiendishly deceptive of you, Magnum. I could have sworn I was hearing the emasculation of a large rodent. To my great surprise, I see the sounds are emanating from what I thought was a harmless musical instrument.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
Cute, Higgins, real cute. [plays sax again]

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Why, Magnum? Why do this terrible thing?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
Higgins, I'll have you know I was very good. I was the second best sax player in my High School band.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Well, how many sax players were there?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
Anyway, I just saw this in a pawn shop window and thought I'd like to try and get my chops back.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
May I suggest that your "chops" are irretrievable.

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
Higgins, did you come here just to abuse me?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum III:
What out for that centipede!

Orville 'Rick' Wright:
[yelling] What centipede?

Theodore 'TC' Calvin:
The one next to the lizard.

Orville 'Rick' Wright:
[yelling] What lizard?

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
I have studied Aristotle, Socrates, William Friedrich Hegel, Bertrand Russell. I have toured college campuses debating the virtues of dialectic versus symbolic syllogism. I have written scholarly articles on the need for a new, more dynamic logic. But nothing in my life has prepared me for the workings of the Thomas Magnum mind.

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
[last line of the series] Magnum, remember what I told you about Robin Masters?

Thomas Sullivan Magnum, IV:
Yeah?

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
I lied. [smiles]

TC:
How can you tell if someone's a kidnapper or not?

Rick:
You mean you didn't check those names out?

TC:
Of course I checked them out. The first one was a cop at 5.0. I think he probably wasn't our man.

Rick:
Well what was his name?

Rick:
[checks his notes] McGarrett.

Magnum:
You know, you're really something. You may nog like Dick, but he's your daughter's husband.

Nishimoto:
That is not a marriage I approved.

Magnum:
So you torture her? When she's scared and in pain? [Nishimoto turns to his daughter and speaks in Japanese]

Nishimoto:
[shouting] Speak English!

Kaholo:
This guy meant business. I think he was waving a gun in Gloria's face, 'cause she kept muttering something about a Magnum.

Magnum:
[narrating] I felt lower than someone who beats up little puppies.

TC:
Thirteen? You expect me to hop over all thirteen of these islands?

Magnum:
That's the name of your service isn't it, Island Hoppers?

TC:
Yeah, I'm thinking about changing it to Magnum's taxi service!

TC:
You mean to tell me a nun gave you that shiner?

Rick:
She thought I was trying to steal her car. [TC and TM laugh riotously]

Rick:
Hey, she was a big nun! [even more laughter]

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
My god, what is that odor?

Theodore 'TC' Calvin:
Higgy-Baby, you're talking about my Uncle Roland's original, creole, flaming, bayou-blaster chili. Wanna try a little taste?

Jonathan Quayle Higgins III:
Not without a paramedic in attendance.

Magnum:
[narrating] When I write my book on how to be a world class private investigator, I'm going to include two rules on how to tail a car. The first is: when you choose a nondescript car for tailing, don't pick one so nondescript it's obvious. The guys following my new friend were so unnoticable it was like they had a red flag on the hood. The second rule is: don't get so busy tailing you forget to look behind you. These yo-yos had no idea I was behind them.

Higgins:
Magnum, you are clad only in your undershorts.

Magnum:
Of course I am.

Higgins:
Even for you I find that just a trifle casual.

Magnum:
The rumba? Who does the rumba today?

Rick:
Nobody since Jos? Iturbi quit doing movies.

Magnum:
Come on Higgins, just let me call the police will ya? I'll phone Scotland Yard, they'll run a routine check. Come on Higgins, just say something, please!

Higgins:
Magnum, you will do us the kindness of going to the devil.

Jennifer:
You won't be apprehensive if I just reload?

Magnum:
Oh no, not at all. I'm American, remember? We're supposed to catch bullets in our teeth.

[Higgins has just hit Magnum in the face to defend Jennifer's honour]

Higgins:
By God, I lost my temper. I haven't done that in twenty years. I'm resorting to physical violence like some tawdry melodrama.

Jennifer:
I think your actually quite wonderful, the nearest, dearest thing I've seen to a hero in a very long time...

[Jennifer sighs]

Jennifer:
...but could you please put your arm around me because I just might cry.

Higgins:
I will make amends for that barbarian.

[Higgins has just said farewell to Jennifer]

Magnum:
You know Higgins, that was a bit of alright.

Higgins:
Don't hand me that wretched understatement, I was bloody marvelous.

Higgins:
These bully boys, exactly what do they look like?

Magnum:
One of them was a sumo wrestler...

[Magnum lowers his voice, embarrassed to tell the rest]

Magnum:
...the other was a midget or a dwarf.

Higgins:
What?

Magnum:
[raises his voice angrily] A midget or a dwarf!

Higgins:
[raises his eyebrows] Really? No bearded ladies, trapeze artists? Where was the rest of the circus?

Magnum:
[Unsure if he's speaking to the real Higgins] Tell me a story. The Gunga Din story.

Higgins:
For God's sake, Magnum, this is hardly the time...

Magnum:
If you're Higgins any time is the time, the Gunga Din story, NOW!

Higgins:
[Fuming] Malaysia, 1943, our regiment was hopelessly outnumbered and facing certain death. In our ranks was a young lieutenant, Ian Bowerly, and during a lull in the battle, he recited "Gunga Din," I suppose to keep up our courage for facing the inevitable. His eloquent recitation grew increasingly louder until it thundered through the jungle. To our amazement, the Japanese troops walked forward. Though they spoke no English, they were entranced by the poem. They allowed us all to leave the area unharmed except for poor Mr. Bowerly. As we made our escape we could hear him reciting other Kipling favorites, literally for miles. To this day his fate remains unknown.

Magnum:
Thank you. I believe your half-brother is going to assassinate the president of Costa de Rosa.