Mary Tyler Moore

Lou Grant:
Mary, I don't want you to take this wrong, but you're a jerk.

Mary Richards:
How could I possibly take that wrong?

Chuckles the Clown:
[attributed] A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.

Mary Richards:
I'm an experienced woman. I've been around... Well, all right, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.

Sue Ann Nivens:
I was lying in bed last night and I couldn't sleep, and I came up with an idea. So I went right home and wrote it down.

[On the air]

Ted Baxter:
I've just been handed a bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth!"

Ted Baxter:
Folks, I've just received a special news bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth."

Ted Baxter:
I always like to think that our little newsroom was one big happy family. In my innocence, little did I suspect we'd be harboring a backstabber in our very bosom. I'm going to reveal the name of that person. The backstabber is...

Murray Slaughter:
Isn't this were the lights go off and Ted is found dead on the floor?

Lou Grant:
Rule number one: never hire friends. I hired a friend once and you know what happened? Worked out great. But that's me. You couldn't handle it.

Ted Baxter:
I did a report on unemployment. It's at an all-time high. Or was it low?

Murray Slaughter:
HIGH, Ted.

Ted Baxter:
Hi, Murr!

Phyllis Lindstrom:
I just thought I'd see what you swingin' singles do for fun.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Same as you - sit around and wonder what it would be like to have a happy marriage.

Lou Grant:
You want a raise, is that it?

Ted Baxter:
Lou, I've written a figure on this pad.

Lou Grant:
Ted, I've written two words on this pad.

Ted Baxter:
Lou, I thing there's some room for negotiation between that figure and those words.

Lou Grant:
Put it on an idiot card for Ted.

Ted Baxter:
Cue cards, Lou. I don't know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.

Murray Slaughter:
We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.

Ted Baxter:
Say, Murray, I just read this item I think we should use. It's about a man who went on TV to make a plea to send Turkeys to convicts.

Murray Slaughter:
For pets or for dinner?

Ted Baxter:
I don't know! I think it was in "Ar-Kansas."

Murray Slaughter:
Yeah, I think they're doing the same thing in Arkansas too.

Ted Baxter:
How do you like that! It's spreading from state to state!

Rhoda Morgenstern:
It's a magnifying mirror! Mary, why didn't you warn me? I thought it was a relief map of the moon. When they sell those magnifying mirrors they should include a printed suicide note.

Mary Richards:
Well it's hard for me to say no.

Ted Baxter:
Say, Mary...

Mary Richards:
NO!

Ted Baxter:
It's actually tomorrow in Tokyo. Do you realize that there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?

Murray Slaughter:
Can you imagine the insurance claim? Cause of death: a busted goober.

Mary Richards:
Mr. Grant? Could I say what I wanted to say now? Please?

Lou Grant:
Okay, Mary.

Mary Richards:
Well I just wanted to let you know that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking that my job is too important to me. And I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with. But last night I thought what is family anyway? It's the people who make you feel less alone and really loved. [she sobs] And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for beginning MY family.

Mary Richards:
If it weren't for the rotten things that happen in this world we couldn't put on the news show. We should be grateful to all the people who do those rotten things. We should stop them in the streets and say, "Thank you Mr. Mugger, thank you Mr. Thief, thank you Mr. Maniac."

[explaining a dream to Lou and Murray]

Ted Baxter:
I dreamt I was an old man, all wrinkled and shriveled, sitting alone on this park bench, and then this-this guy walked up to me, and he looked kind of familiar, and he just stood there, looking at me. And I said, "Who are you?" And he said, "I'm the son you never had." And then-then this woman appeared, and I said, "Who are you?", and she said, "I'm the daughter you never had." And then-then about twenty kids appeared, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "we're the children of the children you never had." Then a bunch of dogs and cats appeared, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "We're the pets of the children of the children you never had." And then a bunch of guys in white coats came up, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "We're the Veterinarians of the pets of the children of the children you never had." And then, and then...

Lou Grant:
Ted, just-just skip to the finish of the dream. Tell us how it ended.

Ted Baxter:
Oh like all my dreams end, with Marlo Thomas and Winston Churchill applauding me.

[staring at a piece of candy she is about to eat]

Rhoda Morgenstern:
I don't know why I should even bother to eat this. I should just apply it directly to my hips.

Mary Richards:
Oh Rhoda, chocolate doesn't solve anything.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
No Mare, cottage cheese solves nothing; chocolate can do it all!

Mary Richards:
Well, what's the cut-off point Mr. Grant? I mean, is... is there some number? You know, I'd really like to know. How many men is a woman allowed to have before she becomes *that* sort of woman?

Lou Grant:
Six.

[there is a party at Mary's. Mary has suggested playing a game where one person says a word and the next person thinks of a word that begins with the last letter of the word they heard]

Lou Grant:
Does this game go on forever or does it have an end?

Mary Richards:
It ends when a person can't think of a word.

Lou Grant:
Oh, I'll start. (Lou turns to Ted Baxter.) Box! (Ted cannot think of a word and says nothing.) Game's over.

[Ted has been avoiding repaying Murrary]

Murray Slaughter:
Ted, do you have that fifty cents I loaned you last week?

Ted Baxter:
Sure, Murray.

[Looks in his wallet]

Ted Baxter:
Darn, do you have change for a $500?

Murray Slaughter:
Sure, Ted

[pulls a money bag from under his desk]

Ted Baxter:
[stunned] Quarters?

Murray Slaughter:
[smiling gleefully] Nickels!

Sue Ann Nivens:
I've gotten involved in the most wonderful business. I'd like to give you all my new business card [passes out cards]

Murray Slaughter:
[reading] "Sue Ann Nivens; Insurance Sales". Great, Sue Ann; let me give you my card. [writes on the back and hands it to Sue Ann]

Sue Ann Nivens:
[reading] "Murray Slaughter; Not Interested".

[Mary is disappointed that she received a C plus on her essay from Professor Whitfield, while Rhoda earned a B on hers]

Rhoda Morgenstern:
I'll trade you my B for your "Where are we going tonight?"

Mary Richards:
[eating dinner] This is delicious, Georgette. I love it.

Georgette Franklin Baxter:
Thank you, Mary.

Ted Baxter:
[stuffing his face] I love it, too, Georgette. And I love you. Will you marry me?

Mary Richards:
Ted, you just proposed through a mouthful of creamed onions!

Sue Ann Nivens:
Mary, you've been in my bedroom before, haven't you?

Mary Richards:
[looking around in amazement] Oh, no! I would've remembered this!

Mary Richards:
Ted, do you trust me?

Ted Baxter:
Well, sure I do.

Mary Richards:
Okay, take off your left shoe. [Ted does so] Now take off your left sock.

Ted Baxter:
Mary...

Mary Richards:
Do you trust me, Ted?

Ted Baxter:
Sure.

Mary Richards:
Take off your left sock. [Ted does so] Now, the next time I'm talking to someone and you think of a comment you just have to add to the conversation, I want you to take that sock, and stuff it down your throat.

Ted Baxter:
What about the shoe? [Mary gives a look as if to say "don't tempt me."]

Lou Grant:
You know, Mary, you've got spunk.

Mary Richards:
Why, thank you, Mr. Grant.

Lou Grant:
I hate spunk.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
[regarding a piece of candy] I don't know why I'm putting this in my mouth. I should just apply it directly to my hips.

Ted Baxter:
I can't wait for Father's Day. I'll have two fathers to send cards to. Of course, Walter's not really my father. Say, do you think they've got a Father's Day card for your mother's lover?

Murray Slaughter:
Well, if they don't, they're missing out on a sizable market.

Ted Baxter:
Hey, it just occurred to me, the fact that my mother's living in sin - does that make me a...

Mary Richards:
No, Ted, *that* doesn't make you one.

Ted Baxter:
[sighs in relief]

Murray Slaughter:
[Smiles at Ted] But we'll always think of you as one anyway.

Ted Baxter:
[Smiles sheepishly as he exits the newsroom] Thanks, Mur!

Ted Baxter:
She kept touching me as if she couldn't believe I was real.

Murray Slaughter:
We all have that problem with you, Ted.

Phyllis Lindstrom:
For the past two years I've been teaching a course, showing mothers how to relate to their children.

Mary Richards:
Phyllis, isn't that a ceramics course you teach?

Phyllis Lindstrom:
They *think* it's a ceramics class.

Gloria Munson:
What do you think I should do for my first exercise?

Sue Ann Nivens:
What about a headstand.

Gloria Munson:
You mean, you just want me to stand on my head.

Sue Ann Nivens:
No, I want to stand on your head.

[Ted, still upset about Sue Ann's salary, confronts Lou]

Ted Baxter:
Did you read the article? It says Sue Ann makes more money than I do.

Lou Grant:
So what?

Ted Baxter:
You lied, Lou! You went around telling everybody that I was the highest paid person here!

Lou Grant:
No, Ted, no, you got it wrong. I said you're the most *overpaid* person here!

[Mary is upset that Lou is going to expose the congressman]

Mary Richards:
Murray, I have never fought him on a story before, but I am going to fight him on this one. And what's more, I'm going to whip him!

Murray Slaughter:
[as Sue Ann walks into the newsroom] You're going to whip Lou Grant?

Sue Ann Nivens:
Ooh! Need any help?

Sue Ann Nivens:
Lou, you were so cute when you called me last night!

Lou Grant:
Oh... I called you by accident. I didn't know it was your number written on the wall.

Sue Ann Nivens:
And they say it doesn't pay to advertise?

[Mary confronts Lou in his office about the congressman's story]

Mary Richards:
Listen, Mr. Grant, after you left last night, I did a great deal of soul-searching, as I'm sure you did too.

Lou Grant:
"Soul-searching"? Mary, any man who calls Sue Ann Nivens at four o'clock in the morning isn't searching for soul!

[an upset Ted has just learned how much money Sue Ann makes]

Ted Baxter:
Mary, do you know what Sue Ann takes home every week?

Mary Richards:
Three sailors, a tree surgeon and the boy in the mailroom.

Murray Slaughter:
I want to leave a little piece of myself behind.

Mary Richards:
Why don't you pickle a kidney?

Ted Baxter:
Why not, Lou?

Lou Grant:
I'm sorry, Ted. My anchorman is not going to be a judge at a Miss Nude Minnesota contest.

Mary Richards:
Sometimes I think men have no idea what's involved in caring for a baby. The amount of time that's involved. The total commitment...

Lou Grant:
Hey! Hey! Why are you telling me? I've got three kids! You don't have any!

Mary Richards:
Well, you don't have to be a chicken to recognize an egg.

Lou Grant:
Well, you do if you want to lay one.

Mary Richards:
A woman doesn't have to have a baby if she doesn't want to.

Lou Grant:
Well, I say a man's entitled to have a baby if he wants to.

Mary Richards:
[Chuckles] Well, Mr. Grant, on behalf of women everywhere let me say we'd sure like to be there when he has it.

Ted Baxter:
She got you there, Lou.

Murray Slaughter:
[Referring to the argument he had with Marie] She's got a point, Ted. Overpopulation is a real problem.

Ted Baxter:
Sure overpopulation is a problem. That's why people should have lots of babies. Because one day, one of those babies is going to grow up and solve that problem.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
[picks up a small gift book in a store]

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Hey Mary - listen to this: "A friend is someone who's friendly... Even when it's raining... Even when it's nighttime... Even when it's snowing... Even when it isn't." $3.50.

Beck Wilson:
Hey, Rhoda, don't go yet. We could go downtown and goof on people.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Goof on people? What's that?

Beck Wilson:
You know. Walk around, act weird, hope somebody notices.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
That's my life, kid.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Is this the guy you showed me his picture in the paper and he's adorable?

Mary Richards:
Right

Rhoda Morgenstern:
So what are you staying home for when you can go out with him and little Bess doesn't mind if you leave her with somebody?

Mary Richards:
Rhoda, I can't -

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Ok, I'm gonna help you, Mary. I'll go out with him.

Mary Richards:
Mr. Grant, I just can't thank you enough.

Lou Grant:
You may have a point there.

Mary Richards:
Have you had dinner?

Bess Lindstrom:
Yes, Phyllis burned it.

Mary Richards:
Aw, I'm sorry.

Bess Lindstrom:
Why? You didn't burn it.

Mary Richards:
Well, no. But it's just that when you try to fix something and then it doesn't turn out right it's kinda disappointing.

Bess Lindstrom:
Well, it doesn't bother Phyllis.

Mary Richards:
Do you always call your mother Phyllis?

Mary Richards:
It's her name!

Lou Grant:
Who's the kid?

Mary Richards:
Oh. Well, that's kind of a long story.

Lou Grant:
How can it be a long story? I say 'Who's the kid', you say 'Sally Jones'. Who's the kid?

Mary Richards:
Bess.

Lou Grant:
That wasn't too long.

Lou Grant:
I'd like to cuss right now because that kid's out there. But I can't cuss because that kid's out there. Do I make myself clear?

Mary Richards:
I think so. You'd like to cuss, is that it?

Ted Baxter:
Whatever happened to the good old days when they had wars in England?

Murray Slaughter:
You'd find a way to mispronounce London.

Lou Grant:
Lucky more people weren't hurt. Lucky that elephant didn't go after somebody else.

Murray Slaughter:
That's right. After all, you know how hard it is to stop after just one peanut.

Lou Grant:
Chuckles the Clown is dead. It was a freak accident. He went to the parade dressed as Peter Peanut, and a rogue elephant tried to shell him.

Ted Baxter:
[ad-libbing an on-air obituary] Ladies and gentlemen, sad news. One of our most beloved entertainers, and close personal friend of mine, is dead. Chuckles the Clown died today from - from uh - he died a broken man. Chuckles, uh, leaves a wife. At least I assume he was married, he didn't seem like the other kind. I don't know his age, but I guess he was probably in his early sixties; it's kind of hard to judge a guy's face especially when he's wearing big lips and a light bulb for a nose. But he had his whole life in front of him, except for the sixty some odd years he already lived. I remember, Chuckles used to recite a poem at the end of each program. It was called "The Credo of the Clown," and I'd like to offer it now in his memory - "A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants." That's what it's all about, folks, that's what he stood for, that's what gave his life meaning. Chuckles liked to make people laugh. You know what I'd like to think, I'd like to think that somewhere, up there tonight, in his honor, a choir of angels is sitting on whoopee cushions.

Lou Grant:
I don't want anybody to make any fuss. When I go, I just want to be stood outside in the garbage with my hat on.

Ted Baxter:
Nothing can spoil my day now that I'm going to be Grand Marshal of the circus parade.

Lou Grant:
Forget it, Ted, you aren't.

Ted Baxter:
What?

Lou Grant:
I said, forget it. My anchorman isn't marching down the street with a chimp. It tends to give him an undignified image.

Ted Baxter:
Oh, Lou... it won't give me an undignified image!

Lou Grant:
I was talking about the chimp.

Georgette Franklin:
Why do people always send flowers when someone passes on?

Sue Ann Nivens:
What would you suggest, dear - fruit?

Ted Baxter:
You saved my life, Lou. You saved my life.

Lou Grant:
Please, Ted, I feel bad enough today.

Estelle Kamser Proust:
You're still unmarried? I've been married twice

Rhoda Morgenstern:
She liked it so much the first time.

Sparkie:
Hi, my name is Frances Franklin, but everybody calls me Sparkie. I don't know why. I guess it's cause all my friends say I sparkle and bubble. They say ever since I'm divorced I'm like another person, all sparkling. Thats why they call me Sparkie. [Giggles] Isn't that crazy?

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Yes.

Dr. Walter Udall:
[to Mary] Oh, incidentally, your not-paid-for-yet x-rays came back today. You have a cavity. And I'm not going to tell you where.

Armond Lynton:
How much would it be if I paid it all now - cash?

Roy:
Gee - I don't know. We make all our money from interest fees and loan charges. If we took money, I think we'd lose money.

Ted Baxter:
I'll show you to the elevator.

Armond Lynton:
That won't be necessary. I prefer the stairs. It's good exercise.

Ted Baxter:
Oh, is that how you keep in such great shape?

Armond Lynton:
Well, yes. That, and yoga.

Ted Baxter:
Yoga? No kidding. I love yoga. Have you ever tried the kind with the fruit on the bottom?

Ted Baxter:
What if he doesn't like me?

Murray Slaughter:
Why shouldn't he like you? He doesn't know you.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Mary, I came to Minneapolis because of the cold. I figured if I was frozen I'd keep better.

Mary Richards:
Mr. Grant, please no. I've never fired anybody in my life.

Lou Grant:
Mary.

Mary Richards:
I had a cleaning lady once I couldn't fire. So I moved.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Now, little Mary Richards, you're going bye-bye to a nice white room. Yes, you are! You put your little headie down and go to sleep... and you have sweet dreams. And, then the Tonsil Fairy comes - and he yanks out your throat.

Murray Slaughter:
With councilmen, municipal judges and sewer bonds I vote the straight [eeney-meeney-miney-] moe ticket.

[Mary and Lou are hustling around the newsroom, upset that Murray has been out to lunch all afternoon]

Mary Richards:
Oh, well, I just don't believe it - 4:30 and Murray is still not back from lunch?

Lou Grant:
Doesn't he know that we have a show to get on the air?

Ted Baxter:
You know, it's fascinating. Here in Minneapolis/St. Paul, it's 4:30 and we're hard at work. In New York, it's the cocktail hour, and the lights are beginning to twinkle on the Great White Way. And, in London, smartly dressed theater-goers are strolling down the Strand for a late supper at the Savoy. And in Tokyo, it's tomorrow. Actually tomorrow! Do you realize there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?

[Murray has returned to the newsroom, drunk]

Lou Grant:
What have you been drinking?

Murray Slaughter:
Pouilly-Fuiss?.

Lou Grant:
[nods] Too bad.

Mary Richards:
What do you... mean? What? Why?

Lou Grant:
I've been a newsman for thirty years. I've sobered up guys who were drunk on everything from scotch to aftershave lotion. But never once in my life have I had to sober up anyone who was drunk on Pouilly-Fuiss?. I don't know what to do! I don't know whether to give him black coffee or cheese!

Mary Richards:
You don't suppose... it's him?

Rhoda Morgenstern:
[Opens the door, sees Phyllis] Worse... it's her.

Ted Baxter:
Does three of a kind beat a flush?

Gordy Howard:
No, Ted.

Ted Baxter:
But it does beat two of a kind.

Gordy Howard:
Yes.

Ted Baxter:
What's a "kind"?

Mary Richards:
Did you crash the men's room?

Sue Ann Nivens:
Of course not. I went as somebody's guest.

Martha Dudley:
You know, Mr. Baxter, you look very familiar to me?

Ted Baxter:
Oh, you've probably seen me on television.

Martha Dudley:
No, I don't watch television - I have a fireplace.

Mary Richards:
Rhoda. Rhoda *Fay*. It doesn't matter what the letter says. The important thing is that you don't send the letter at all.

Lou Grant:
You know what, you've got spunk!

Mary Richards:
Well, yes...

Lou Grant:
I *hate* spunk!

Phyllis Lindstrom:
[to Mary] Well, I got a long distance call today, and I was on the phone for *forty-five* minutes, and guess what?

Bess Lindstrom:
Your boyfriend's coming to see you!

Phyllis Lindstrom:
[long, glaring pause] That was Mother's news, Bess.

Lou Grant:
Look, Miss, I was just about to have a drink, and I wouldn't mind some company. Want one?

Mary Richards:
Oh, no thank you.

Lou Grant:
I said I wouldn't mind some company.

Mary Richards:
Well, all right, I'll... I'll have a Brandy Alexander.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Ok, girls, you want me to tell you the truth. I'm gonna tell you the truth - this is going to be be my apartment!

Phyllis Lindstrom:
[First lines of series, entering the iconic apartment] Well, Mary, what do you think? Here it is.

Mary Richards:
Wow. Hey, it really is charming, isn't it?

Lou Grant:
If I don't like you, I'll fire you! If you don't like me, I'll fire you!

[during Mary's job interview]

Lou Grant:
What religion are you?

Mary Richards:
Mr. Grant, I don't quite know how to say this, but you're not allowed to ask that when someone's applying for a job. It's against the law.

Lou Grant:
Wanna call a cop?

Mary Richards:
No.

Lou Grant:
Good. Would you think I was violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married?

Mary Richards:
Presbyterian.

Lou Grant:
What religion are you?

Mary Richards:
I don't know quite how to say this, Mr. Grant, but you're not allowed to ask that. It's against the law.

Lou Grant:
Want to call a cop?

Mary Richards:
No.

Lou Grant:
Would I be violating your civil rights if I asked if you're married or not?

Mary Richards:
Presbyterian.

Lou Grant:
You got a lotta spunk.

Mary Richards:
Why thank you, Mr. Grant

Lou Grant:
I HATE spunk.

Georgette Franklin:
I really miss Phyllis. Of course, I never knew her very well. Maybe that helps.

Murray Slaughter:
You know something? I just figured out why we're having trouble convincing Mary that life in this newsroom isn't boring. It's because it is boring.

Lou Grant:
It is?

Murray Slaughter:
Yeah! I mean, I'm bored. What do I do all day? [Gets up from his desk and points toward the teletype machine] I go in there and I take the news out of that doohinkey. [Points at his typewriter] And then I rewrite it on this doohinkey. [Points at the TV set next to his desk] And then I turn on that doohinkey, [points at Ted, who's pouring himself a cup of coffee] and watch it come out of that doohinkey.

Mary Richards:
If I know I can't have it, why look?

Rhoda Morgenstern:
If I felt that way I'd never go to a Paul Newman movie.

Lou Grant:
You see, Mary? Ted's writing is lousy - even worse than yours. But when you brought yours to me, I respected you enough to tell you the truth. Would you rather I had treated you like I treated Ted? Huh? Would you prefer that I patronize you like some idiot? Shower you with empty compliments? Huh? Pump up your ego like you were some empty-headed, bumbling, brainless boob? Is that what you want?

Mary Richards:
God, yes!

Ted Baxter:
I have to tell you this. Your aunt is pushy and arrogant. This goes against nature. Women should be gentle and refined. If God had intended them to be pushy and arrogant, He would have made them men.

Mary Richards:
I've been around, well - alright, I might not have been around, but, I've been nearby.

Sue Ann Nivens:
I have a Little Sister too - and mine's black.

Mary Richards:
[Mary's on the phone with the Big Sister program] Hello, ths is Mary Richards, and I would like to talk to someone about getting a little sister... right, I think I should mention that I haven't had a whole lot of experience in this area, and I was sort of wondering if you had a girl who hasn't done uh... well, a girl, you know who hasn't been... listen; would you have a girl who's just sort of cranky?

Murray Slaughter:
So: how did things work out at the Big Sisters?

Mary Richards:
Terrific! They put you through a kind of screening process, and, uh, I guess I passed, 'cos I've got a little sister!

Murray Slaughter:
Ah - what's she like?

Mary Richards:
Well we were just sort of introduced, so, we didn't get a chance to talk, but, she's 15, bright, cute as a button, and out on probation for shoplifting.

Sue Ann Nivens:
What was the name of this group, Mary?

Mary Richards:
The Big Sisters.

Sue Ann Nivens:
The big sisters that would be the perfect thing for me to clinch the award and I'd be wonderful at it, because, I had an ideal relationship with my own sister. And it wasn't easy; naturally, she resented being the ugly one.

Mary Richards:
I had to mention the Big Sisters, didn't I? Now, because of me, some poor underprivileged kid is going to be forced to learn how to cook a quiche

Mary Richards:
Celestine, can I get you something?

Celestine:
Oh, no, thanks, I got these. [Addresses Francine] Hey, you want some?

Francie:
Sure, I love reds.

Mary Richards:
Uhhhhhhhhh...

Celestine:
[Interreupting Mary's stammer] Oh, I'm sorry - would you like some?

Celestine:
Listen, um, girls - what you do on your own is one thing, you know, but, when you're here, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my foot down, I'm sorry, but, uh, I just don't go for that kind of thing.

Celestine:
You don't go for... TicTac's?

Mary Richards:
Yeah, well, you know... [Mary flips a Tic-Tac in the air, and catches it in her mouth] .

Ted Baxter:
Hey Murray. Murray; where's my money?

Murray Slaughter:
Uh, in my top left-hand drawer, Ted.

Ted Baxter:
Is that camera left, or 'real' left?

Murray Slaughter:
Left, Ted.

Ted Baxter:
It's not here, Murray.

Murray Slaughter:
What do you mean it's not there? [growing concerned] It's got to be there - I just put it there, before lunch! [after Murray rummages though the drawer] It's not there!

Ted Baxter:
Somebody stole my money!

Mary Richards:
Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. Oh, oh, I know what you're thinking, well, you're just wrong! Francine doesn't steal money from desks! She happens to be a shoplifter!

Sue Ann Nivens:
[Mary & Sue Ann are setting up for their Little Sisters, Francine & Celestine to join them at Mary's for dinner] Oh, Celestine & I are having such fun together! Last night, we went to a double feature: Shaft and Super Fly. It was wonderful watching them stick it to the honkies!

Ted Baxter:
[after handing Ted his money back after finding out it was indeed Francine, who stole it from Murray's drawer] So; she stole it, huh?

Mary Richards:
Yes, Ted.

Ted Baxter:
[Smugly] I was right, huh?

Mary Richards:
[Trying not to play Ted's game] Yes, Ted, you were right.

Ted Baxter:
[Smug] You were wrong.

Mary Richards:
[Beginning to get irked] Yes, Ted, I was wrong.

Ted Baxter:
[Trying to emphasize he was correct] I was right, and you were wrong.

Mary Richards:
Yes, Ted, you were right, and I was wrong.

Ted Baxter:
[Again trying to emphasise he was right] You were wrong, and...

Mary Richards:
[Exasperated] Ted, I was wrong and...

Ted Baxter:
[shouting] Alright, alright, Mare, let's not dwell on it

Mary Richards:
[In Mr. Grant's office, right after Mr. Grant lectured Francine about returning an item she'd just stolen] Well, how hard could it be to do something like that, right? Just, walk in, and say 'I'm sorry, I made a mistake, I don't need this, I don't want this, please take it back.'

Lou Grant:
Good Mary. Now just remember that, when you take back the helicopter.

Fr. Terrance Brian:
Mary, I'm not thinking of leaving the priesthood for you.

Mary Richards:
You're not?

Fr. Terrance Brian:
No

Mary Richards:
You mean there's someone else?

Mary Richards:
I want to apologize for some of the questions Ted asked. Sometimes he gets a little carried away.

Fr. Terrance Brian:
Oh, that's all right, Mary. We're all God's creatures. It just goes to show you that even He [points and looks up] can have an off day.

[Sue Ann enters the newsroom, spots Fr. Brian - dressed in slacks, a turtleneck shirt and a sport coat - standing by Mary's desk, and walks hungrily toward him]

Sue Ann Nivens:
Hello there.

Fr. Terrance Brian:
Hi.

Sue Ann Nivens:
I'm Sue Ann Nivens. *Miss* Sue Ann Nivens.

Fr. Terrance Brian:
[Shakes her hand] Terrance Brian.

Sue Ann Nivens:
Well. Tell me, Terrance, are you new here? I hope...

Fr. Terrance Brian:
I'm just waiting for Mary. We're going to lunch.

Sue Ann Nivens:
Oh. Lunch. Dark place? Candles? Wine? [Chuckles] I'll bet that's how you operate.

Fr. Terrance Brian:
As a matter of fact, it is.

Mary Richards:
[to Ted] You're going to have a lawyer look over a simple lease?

Ted Baxter:
An ounce of perversion is worth a pound of cure.

Ted Baxter:
I tell you, this is a great country. You know what makes it great? Because you don't have to be witty or clever as long as you can hire someone who is.

Phyllis Lindstrom:
I just treat the piano casually as if it had always been there. Lars, of course, keeps bumping into it and cursing.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Ben and I aren't getting married - he's not my type!

Phyllis Lindstrom:
What do you mean, he's not your type? He's witty, he's attractive, he's successful, he's single...

Rhoda Morgenstern:
He's gay!

Ted Baxter:
I'm not taking David to a shrink!

Mary Richards:
Ted, come on. It's just a child psychologist.

Ted Baxter:
I don't care how old he is!

Ted Baxter:
Wait a second, doc. Before you get started, let me get one thing straight. I'm not impressed with all this psychoanalytic mumbo-jumbo. To me, the whole business is just silly. Child psychology, $40 an hour... How's a kid going to get that kind of money?

[Ted and Georgette have just been informed that David is a genius]

Ted Baxter:
Say, let me ask you a theoretical question.

Doctor:
Of course.

Ted Baxter:
Let's assume that... someone... has a kid with an incredible IQ. And that... someone... wasn't great in the fifth grade. Do you think that would cause any problems between the two?

Doctor:
No problems at all, Mr. Baxter. As long as the parent is a reasonably secure, mature, well-adjusted adult.

Georgette Baxter:
Boy, are we in trouble.

Lou Grant:
Now I need a plumber for my house.

Mary Richards:
What's wrong?

Lou Grant:
My grandson made a wonderful discovery over the weekend. You cannot flush a banana.

[Ted is pestering Lou about losing his cue card boy]

Lou Grant:
What do you want, Ted?

Ted Baxter:
It's about my cue card boy, Lou!

Lou Grant:
Oh, yeah, that's right. Mary, hire somebody to do idiot cards for Ted.

Ted Baxter:
Don't call them "idiot cards." I resent that. They're called "cue cards."

Lou Grant:
Uh-huh. I'm - I'm sorry, Ted. Mary, hire somebody to do cue cards for the idiot.

[Ted is complaining to Mary that he doesn't like the new cue card *girl*]

Ted Baxter:
And there's, uh, there's something else, too. I, ahem, I don't feel right, you know, ahem, when I make, ahem, certain kind of jokes during the commercial breaks when a girl's around.

Mary Richards:
Well, Ted, if you don't feel right, then don't make them.

Ted Baxter:
Well, I... I have to! They keep the little people relaxed. They keep them sort of loose, you know? I need a loose crew, Mary!

Murray Slaughter:
Ted, if you don't have a loose screw, nobody does.

Joe Warner:
Because you think that since I'm a man, I wouldn't be as hurt by these things as you are.

Mary Richards:
Oh, well, let's be honest, Joe. You're not going to cry your eyes out all night like I did.

Joe Warner:
No. No. I'll be doing the male version of crying. You want to know what that is? Trying to act like it doesn't hurt. And you don't know what hurting is until you try to act like it doesn't.

Ted Baxter:
Hey! Joe! Congratulate me! I'm smashed.

Joe Warner:
Why should I congratulate you?

Ted Baxter:
It's the first time.

Lou Grant:
Yeah. In drinker's terms, tonight he lost his olive.

Violinist:
Don't listen to her... you're much better off with Murray.

Sue Ann Nivens:
[pitching an idea for the show to Mary] Mary, I was lying in bed last night, and I couldn't sleep, and I got the most wonderful idea. So I went right home and wrote it down.

Mary Richards:
[accepting her Teddy Award] I usually look so much better than this.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
You're having a lousy streak. I happen to be having a terrific streak. Soon the world will be back to normal. Tomorrow you will meet a crown head of Europe and marry. I will have a fat attack, eat 3000 peanut butter cups and die.

Lou Grant:
[carrying Mary in the newsroom, after she slipped in the hall and sprained her foot] First we have to get you X-rayed. All we can do around here is get you Xeroxed.

Mary Richards:
Tell us, Miss Mary Jo Beth Ann Lou, what are some of your favorite hobbies?

Rhoda Morgenstern:
My favorite hobbies are cheerleading, liking people, and living in America.

Phyllis Lindstrom:
They sure make a big deal over third place.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
I won, Cookie!

Sue Ann Nivens:
[Commenting on Ted's and Georgette's matching tuxedos] Ted, you two look adorable!

Ted Baxter:
You hear that, Georgette?

Georgette Baxter:
I don't care what anybody says. I think we look like the top of a gay wedding cake.

Lou Grant:
[Georgette opens the door for Lou; as he enters Mary's apartment, he notices Georgette's tuxedo] Hi, Georg... ette...

Georgette Baxter:
Hi, Lou. It's a rental.

Lou Grant:
Oh. What's Ted charging you?

Lou Grant:
In twenty years, that could be you.

Mary Richards:
Mr. Grant! Will you LOOK at what you are doing?

Ted Baxter:
Sue Ann tells us you're from Dixie.

Lila Nivens:
That's right.

Ted Baxter:
My wife and I use your cups a lot.

Mary Richards:
[meeting Walter Cronkite] So nice to meet you. Really. Nice. Nice. Really.

Murray Slaughter:
[meeting Walter Cronkite] So nice to meet you. Really. Nice. Really.

Ted Baxter:
I think I see a hand out there...

The Student:
What's the passing grade?

Lou Grant:
[arms tensely crossed, scowling, does a slow, silent burn] We'll probably go by a class average

The Student:
Is that plotted on a normal bell curve?

Lou Grant:
Plotted on anything you like.

The Student:
Is ths the entire faculty?

Mary Richards:
No, we're just the... department heads [exasperated, turns to sit and says at Mr. Grant]

Mary Richards:
Who IS ths person? What are we DOING here?

Ted Baxter:
Ah - one final question...

The Student:
Can I still get my $300 back?

Georgette Franklin:
Isn't it wonderful, Mary? Only in America could a man who never graduated from school own one!

Ted Baxter:
[Opening the door to Lou's office] Come on in, Lou. Great news!

Lou Grant:
[Walking out of his office] What is it now, Ted?

Ted Baxter:
Oh, Lou. How come every time I come to you to say something, you say, "What is it now, Ted?" like I'm going to say something dumb?

Lou Grant:
How come every time I see a duck, I expect it to quack?

Ted Baxter:
No, no, no. You answer my question first!

Ted Baxter:
I'm going to be rich, Mary! I'm going to have all the things that money can buy. Happiness. Good health. Spiritual fulfillment. Then - then one day, I'm going to use my money to do something good for my country. I'm going to make a huge contribution to a presidential candidate and buy myself a political appointment. Ted Baxter: United States Ambassador to Hawaii.

Dr. Carter:
I've known people in your condition who lived to be 100.

Ted Baxter:
Yeah? And then what?

Ted Baxter:
Mary, I didn't get a chance to thank you. You saved my life by pressing your lips to mine.

Mary Richards:
Ted, it was nothing.

Ted Baxter:
What'd you expect? I was sick.

Ted Baxter:
Say, doc?

Dr. Carter:
Yeah?

Ted Baxter:
I didn't want to ask with everybody around. Something's been bothering me. It's kind of personal. How... how does it affect you if you have a heart attack about... you know... uh...

Dr. Carter:
Sex? [Chuckles] Ted, you can have it as often as you did before your heart attack.

Georgette Baxter:
I thought you said he was going to be better.

Ted Baxter:
[Gets up from the table and dashes to the balcony door] Aw, gee! I forgot to watch the sunset, darn it!

Georgette Baxter:
[Follows him, visibly irritated] , Ted, there'll be another sunset tomorrow!

Ted Baxter:
That's not the same thing, Georgette! Tonight's sunset will never come again! Tomorrow, you and I and the sun will be a day older!

Georgette Baxter:
Not if you don't knock it off!

[Ted has gone out to the balcony to watch the moon]

Mary Richards:
Wow, he really has changed!

Georgette Baxter:
I know! And, Mary, I've had it with him! I mean, I'm not ready for this. The Ted I married was loud, vain and egotistical; that I could handle. Then he has a little heart attack and turns into St. Francis of Assisi!

[Everyone's stunned at Ted's sudden return to normalcy]

Murray Slaughter:
What happened?

Mary Richards:
Well, I guess this experience, this feeling must go away.

Lou Grant:
Yeah. I just remembered. The same thing happened in the war. During combat I never held life more dearly. But the feeling started to go away the minute the Germans stopped shooting at me. I never forgave them for that. I guess it always wears off.

Lou Grant:
Tonight's the night I usually count my socks.

[Mary is reading the inscription Sue Ann has written in the copy she has given Mary of her new floral arranging book]

Mary Richards:
Ah. "To a shrinking violet who rosed to be a budding producer". Oh, Sue Ann, that's too cute for words.

Sue Ann Nivens:
I know. I tried to use a floral motif for each inscription.

[Murray starts to read what Sue Ann wrote in his copy]

Murray Slaughter:
"To a fine writer whose work I always admired". Why thanks, Sue Ann. But what's that got to do with flowers?

Sue Ann Nivens:
If you spread it on the ground, it helps them grow.

[the reverend has just shown up at Mary's apartment in his tennis outfit, complete with racket]

Reverend Chatfield:
Miss Franklin, I'm Reverend Chatfield. I came as soon as I got the message.

Georgette Baxter:
Thank you, Reverend. Come on in. Sorry to trouble you, but we want to get married.

Reverend Chatfield:
Married?

Georgette Baxter:
I hope we didn't spoil your day.

Reverend Chatfield:
Well, no, but I'm a little embarrassed at wearing this to perform a marriage. And... and besides, I was just ordained. I've... I've never done it.

Sue Ann Nivens:
Well, then, it's appropriate that you should wear white.

[Georgette and Ted are going to recite their own vows]

Reverend Chatfield:
[to Ted] Would you like to say something?

Ted Baxter:
You mean, wing it?

Sue Ann Nivens:
Just say what's in your heart, Ted.

Ted Baxter:
Oh, right. [Leans over toward Murray] Murray?

Ted Baxter:
[Murray leans over and whispers in his ear] Georgette, I promise...

Ted Baxter:
[Murray whispers in his ear]... to be a devoted husband...

Ted Baxter:
[Murray whispers in his ear]... and to never give you cause...

Ted Baxter:
[Murray whispers in his ear]... to regret...

Ted Baxter:
[Murray whispers in his ear]... having married...

Ted Baxter:
[Murray whispers in his ear]... such a cluck.

Phyllis Lindstrom:
Oh, Mary, you're just so Mary, Mary.

Bess Lindstrom:
[looking for an escape] Gosh, I sure could use a cookie.

Ted Baxter:
[offended at having been insulted by Rhoda] Some people don't like the color green, I don't like the word 'dumb.' I don't know what it is about that word that rubs me the wrong way; I just don't like it.

Murray Slaughter:
It must be the same reason I don't like the word 'bald.'

Murray Slaughter:
Professor, I'm Murray Slaughter. I've enjoyed your writing.

Karl Heller:
Thank you, thank you. I wish you hadn't. What we enjoy, we forget. What irritates, stays with us.

Murray Slaughter:
That reminds me, do you know Ted Baxter?

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Mary, I thought you knew. Your parties are, uh, disasters. I mean, I thought you knew. How could you not know that?

Mary Richards:
Yes, I know. Okay. I know. I knew. I just didn't know that anyone else knew.

Lou Grant:
It's not that I don't have a good time at your parties, Mary. I've had some of the worst times in my life. Agony.

Lou Grant:
Oh, it's just so depressing thinking about going to another one of your...

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Mary, he could sit up there at the little table.

Sue Ann Nivens:
Mary, dear - do you have any idea what happens when you let Veal Prince Orloff sit in an oven too long?

Mary Richards:
No, what?

Sue Ann Nivens:
He dies.

Lou Grant:
Ted, why are you always doing stuff like showing up in places where you weren't invited with a pint of sherbet?

Murray Slaughter:
Be fair Lou, the sherbet's a new touch.

Ted Baxter:
Why are you giving a fifty dollar a week raise to someone who told me to shut up on the air?

Lou Grant:
It's all I could afford, Ted.

Phyllis Lindstrom:
[after meeting Sue Ann Nivens] Who's Little Bo-Peep?

Sue Ann Nivens:
Now, if you want to tidy up in a hurry, think of your living room as a big clock. Start at midnight, and then go around the room working clockwise toward the kitchen. You'll be done in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Phyllis Lindstrom:
I'll wait it out. Sooner or later, Lars is going to get tired of her. And he'll come back to me. And then I'm going to... punish him for this.

Mary Richards:
I just wanted you to know that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking my job is too important to me, and I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with. And not my family. And last night, I thought, 'what is a family, anyway?' They're just people who make you feel less alone... and really loved. And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for being my family.

Lou Grant:
I treasure you people.

Bob Larson:
There's a real lump in my throat.

Georgette Franklin:
That's probably the cheese puffs.

[Mary has answered the phone and refuses to believe that she is really speaking to Betty Ford]

Mary Richards:
[sarcastically] Hi, Betty. This is Mary... Queen of Scots.

Phyllis Lindstrom:
It's just... an involuntary shudder.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
Allow me to introduce myself, I'm another person in the room - Rhoda Morgenstern.

Howard Arnell:
Oh, Howard Arnell, how do you do?

Rhoda Morgenstern:
And this is my date, Mr. and Mrs. Armand Lynton.

Rhoda Morgenstern:
How can you gorge yourself and stay so skinny? I'm so hungry I can't stand it.

Mary Richards:
Why don't you eat something?

Rhoda Morgenstern:
I can't. I've got to lose 10 lbs by 8:30.

Mary Richards:
[introducing Rhoda to her short date, Eric Matthews] Eric, I'd like you to meet my friend, Rhoda Morgenstern; Rhoda, this is Eric Shrimp.

Ted Baxter:
Come on, Mary, if you were me, would you have any self-respect?

Mary Richards:
Gee, I wish you put it another way, Ted.

Lou Grant:
Where do you get off changing Murray's copy?

Ted Baxter:
It was flat, Lou! I didn't change the facts, I just jazzed up the language.

Lou Grant:
Jazzed up? Jazzed up? Ted, you do not change the wording of a direct quote. And I do not believe that the Queen of England calls the French Ambassador "The Dude from Frog Town."

Woman:
Mr. Baxter, what is your position on School Tax?

Ted Baxter:
I'm against it. I don't think school kids should be taxed.

[Sue Ann is trying to convince Mary to become her new producer]

Sue Ann Nivens:
I'm willing to go another 50 bucks a week, even though it does mean digging into my own bra.

Murray Slaughter:
Talk about an inflated economy!

[Murray is interested in Sue Ann's job opening]

Sue Ann Nivens:
Are you saying you'd be interested in the job I was just offering Mary?

Murray Slaughter:
Well, I'm saying that if you can't get anybody, I wish you'd keep me in mind. Why don't you, uh, kick it around overnight?

Sue Ann Nivens:
I have other things I kick around overnight...

[Mary and Lou are discussing the evening's lineup]

Mary Richards:
And we managed to get an on-the-spot report of the raid of that porno theater downtown, which we can use in the news tonight.

Lou Grant:
Terrific! How did you do that?

Mary Richards:
Luck. Some of our crew just happened to be in the theater at the time.

Sue Ann Nivens:
And so, until tomorrow, this is your Happy Homemaker reminding you that a woman who does a good job in the kitchen is sure to reap her rewards in other parts of the house.

[Sue Ann asks Mary for her opinion on the dress Sue Ann plans to wear out to dinner]

Sue Ann Nivens:
I've got another date with my new producer. Now, he's a wonderful man, but he's not terribly aggressive. We had three dates before he even so much as held my hand. And then he only did that to keep me from unbuttoning his shirt...

[Lou shows up at Mary's apartment for dinner, even though Mary is no longer expecting him]

Lou Grant:
Hello. You didn't say what time. Is this OK?

Mary Richards:
OK for what?

Lou Grant:
Dinner. You did invite me to dinner, didn't you?

Mary Richards:
Well, yes, Mr. Grant. But I can't imagine, after that scene in your office, that you would think it's still on.

Lou Grant:
You never said it wasn't.

Mary Richards:
You mean to tell me you expect us to sit down and eat dinner tonight after that fight we had?

Lou Grant:
Mary, during World War II everyone was fighting, but we all kept eating.

Mary Richards:
Yeah, yeah. But you never sat down to eat with the Germans.

Lou Grant:
They never invited me. And you did.

Mary Richards:
Well, I'll just - I'll just have to go to jail, that's all. It's the right thing. It's the honorable thing.It's the only thing. There's just one problem. [Suddenly hysterical] I don't want to go to jail, Mr. Grant. I'm afraid to go to jail. I've never been to jail, Mr. Grant. I never even had to stay after school!