Master of None

Dev:
You see The Social Network? Max Minghella plays an Indian guy. He's white. They browned him up.

Ravi:
No no, I read he's one-sixteenth Indian.

Dev:
Who cares? If you go back far enough we're all one-sixteenth something. I'm probably one-sixteenth black. You think they're gonna let me play Blade?

Dev:
Man, why'd you drag me to a work party?

Denise:
'Cause you're my buddy. You're my friend. I want you to meet my coworkers.

Dev:
Oh, that's nice.

Denise:
Yeah, plus there's this girl here I'm trying to get with and if I showed up by myself, that'd seem kind of lame.

Dev:
Uh-huh, I get that.

Denise:
And I asked a bunch of other people to come, they said no.

Dev:
Great, thanks.

Benjamin:
Long term relationships are tough. You can't just expect a big, roaring fire right away, right? You know, you can't put the big logs in first. You start with the small stuff. Kindling, all right? Then you add that, *then* you put in the big logs and *then* you have a roaring fire. And that's a good relationship. But be careful, sometimes kindling is hard to find, you know? Good wood. So, don't take it for granted.

Dev:
The sickening, it's happening!

Benjamin:
Nobody's at a 100. I mean, I'm in a great marriage and sometimes we're at 90, other times we're at like 20 or 30. It goes up and down, it's not just like one number all the time.

Benjamin:
Long term relationships are tough. You can't just expect a big, roaring fire right away, right? You know, you can't put the big logs in first. You start with the small stuff. Kindling, all right? Then you add that, *then* you put in the big logs and *then* you have a roaring fire. And that's a good relationship. But be careful, sometimes kindling is hard to find, you know? Good wood. So, don't take it for granted.

[first lines]

Dev:
I feel like there should be an app that analyzes your tum and tells you what you want to eat.

Arnold:
Yeah, but [sighs] if the app could do that, you're basically saying it could read your mind.

Dev:
Yeah, I guess.

Arnold:
But, dude, you think that's a good idea? I mean, what if it gets in the wrong hands? It could do some malicious sh*t. Thinking about the military, some corporate espionage. Do you really want to risk all that?

Dev:
Yeah. Think about all the pain and suffering it could end. Like right now. I want something to eat, but I don't know what.

Arnold:
Dude, I'm hungry too. Let's eat. I'm good with whatever.

Dev:
Why do people always say that? That's no help at all. "I'm good with whatever" basically means "I'm bad at helping decide things."

Arnold:
Well, I'm trying this new thing where I live my life like water. You see, what ships pass through and what those vessels carry, I do not know.

Dev:
What about tacos?

Arnold:
Sure.

Dev:
Which place should we go to?

Arnold:
Literally any taco place.

Dev:
Come on. There's so many taco places. We got to make sure we go to the best one. I'll do some research.

Arnold:
Great. I'll sit here and do nothing.

Art:
I love seeing ethnically mixed couples. You two are beautiful together.

Rachel:
Oh, thanks.

Art:
Had you ever dated an ethnic man before this, Rachel?

Rachel:
Oh. No. I was very nervous. I had been dating a lot of whites. Just so many whites. Then one day, I woke up and just thought, "Rachel, you have to go out there and try yourself an ethnic," and here we are. It's going great.

Minister:
[imagining their own vows] Do you, Dev, take Rachel to be your partner in a possibly outdated institution in order to have a "normal" life? Are you ready to give up an idealistic search for a soul mate and try to make it work with Rachel so you can move forward with your life?

Dev:
I do.

Minister:
And do you, Rachel, promise to make a crazy eternal bond with this gentleman who you happen to be dating at this stage in your life when people normally get married?

Rachel:
I do.

Minister:
I now pronounce you two people who might realize they've made an unfortunate mistake in about three years.

Denise:
Man, this is a lot of pomp and circumstance for an empty special effects movie with cardboard characters and no plot.

Rachel:
I always play it safe, and I can't do it anymore. The time in our life to do crazy sh*t is winding down, and I don't want to wake up one day and see that the window is already closed.

Benjamin:
Long-term relationships are tough. You can't just expect a big roaring fire right away, right, you know? You can't put the big logs in first. You got to start with the small stuff, the kindling, right? And you add that, then you put in the big logs, and then you have a roaring fire, and that's a good relationship, right? But be careful. Sometimes kindling wood is hard to find, you know, good wood. So, don't take it for granted.

Airplane Passenger:
Have you ever been before?

Dev:
Nope, first time.

Airplane Passenger:
So what takes you to Italy?

Dev:
Pasta. I really like eating it, and I enjoy making it, so a few days ago I just decided to pack up all my stuff and move to Italy and go to pasta-making school.

Airplane Passenger:
Wow, how long you going for?

Dev:
I don't know.

Airplane Passenger:
Big move. You just decided just like that?

Dev:
Just like that. [upbeat rock music]

[first lines]

President:
We need to contain the sickening. Dr. Graham, what's the latest on the outbreak in Kentucky?

Scientist:
Kentucky, Madam President? Kentucky is gone. The sickening, it got them all.

President:
Has there been any progress on the cure?

Scientist:
I have my best technicians analyzing the samples as we speak.

Dev:
[as Dr. Vincent] All right. Let's add 50 milligrams of the iGG solution.

Benjamin:
[as Lab Technician] Right away, Dr. Vincent.

Dev:
Solution is stable. It's game time. Let's add the virus.

Benjamin:
Where did you obtain the sample?

Dev:
Found it off some monkey at the Memphis Zoo. It's the latest strain.

Benjamin:
[dramatic music as he lifts the vile] Virus, party of one, your table is ready.

Dev:
Careful. Easy. Solution is nonreactive. Antibodies are stable. Madam President, we have a cure.

President:
Oh, thank God!

Scientist:
Outstanding.

Benjamin:
You did it, Doctor!

Dev:
It was a team effort, Terry.

Arnold:
Denise, a query. What if someone sent you a picture of a turtle climbing out of a briefcase?

Denise:
Why is a turtle climbing out of a briefcase, Arnold?

Arnold:
"Why?" indeed.

Brian:
[about texting] Got struck by lightning while holding hands with a 12-year-old. We switched bodies. Now I got to go to class.

Dev:
Well, tell them twins I said, "What's up?"

Rachel:
Yeah, they are expecting child support, so...

Dev:
Oh, well, tell the white one to keep waiting. I'm only supporting the one that looks like me, so [both laugh]

Rachel:
What are you more into? Are you a b*obs guy? Butts guy? Head, shoulders, knees, and toes guy?

Dev:
Yes, that's me. I usually Google "Scarlett Johansson, head, shoulders, knees, and toes." Sometimes I do just the head and shoulders, but the shampoo comes up. It's very confusing.

[first lines]

Ben Jabituya:
[1990, young Dev watching Short Circuit movie] I am proud of you. You have removed your laser weapon, huh?

Number 5:
Weapon is to kill, disassemble, make dead. Unacceptable.

Ben Jabituya:
You have made many modifications upon your person, huh? You have come a long way from the Defense Department prototype.

Number 5:
You betcha. It's the all-new Johnny Five. Just look at these items.

Dev:
[at a Nicks game] Hey. You take one of my nachos?

Rich Kid:
Yeah.

Dev:
Those are my nachos.

Rich Kid:
So? I wanted one.

Dev:
Yeah, but you can't just steal people's nachos, okay? You realize how lucky you are? You're 12 years old. You're sitting court-side at a Knicks game. You didn't earn this. I had to suffer through a minor racial trauma to get here.

Busta Rhymes:
You know, you're a minority trying to coming up in the game. You know, you got a rare opportunity, especially because you got the leverage in this situation. I don't think you should play the race card. Charge it to the race card.

Ravi:
I'm just gonna say this: you're being a bit of an Uncle Taj.

Dev:
An Uncle Taj?

Ravi:
Yeah, Uncle Tom, Uncle Taj.

Terrence:
[looking at football helmet] This is my pitch for what they should change the name to: the Washington Breadsticks.

Dev:
Is this real? Are you serious?

Terrence:
Yeah, I mean, it sounds like Redskins. Listen closely. Breadsticks. Redskins. Breadsticks. Redskins. It just makes sense.

Ravi:
Yeah, I don't know if it does.

Dev:
It doesn't, no.

[last lines]

Ravi:
Why won't you do an accent?

Dev:
I don't want to play a stereotype. It's offensive. But you've done it so many times. Your IMDb page is a list of Indian stereotypes: gas station clerk, IT guy, guy in crowd with Indian accent. I get a shot at the Schwimmer money, and now you get a conscience?

Ravi:
That was the old Ravi, okay? That was before the Short Circuit 2 revelation!

Anush:
What's wrong with Short Circuit 2?

Ravi:
That's a white actor. They used brownface makeup.

Anush:
Like the Popchips commercial? Is Mindy Kaling real?

Dev:
Denise, you ever been followed?

Denise:
Hell yeah! One time I went to the movies by myself, right? Theater full of empty seats. This dude comes to sit down right next to me being a creeper the whole time. Then after the movie, he followed my ass home. I had to pretend my cell phone was a taser just to scare him away.

Dev:
Damn. What movie was it?

Denise:
Failure to Launch.

Dev:
The Matthew McConaughey romcom? Why'd you see that?

Denise:
Okay, after that story you're criticizing me for my movie choice?

Dev:
Kinda. You saw it *in* the theaters? What, you see the trailer and thought it looked interesting?

Denise:
Okay, first off, Sarah Jessica Parker is bae, and you know I got diverse cultural tastes!

Dev:
Uh, interesting you go see Failure to Launch but when I invited you to see You, Me and Dupree you said nah.

Denise:
Uh, 'cause my girl Sarah Jessica Parker isn't in that one.

Dev:
True. She did kill it in Ghost of Girlfriends Past.

Denise:
That's Jennifer Garner!

Dev:
She killed it, too.

[first lines]

Dev:
[waiting for bartender] Are we ever gonna get to order a drink? This clown's been muddling cucumbers for 20 minutes.

Arnold:
Bro, here's the move. You make eye contact, then you flash the cash. Check this out. [wildly waving some bills] Hmm?

Dev:
Hey, it's working. He's looking over here.

Arnold:
Yeah, yeah. Huh? [but bartender moves toward girl instead] Aw, man. Game over. Look at that.

Dev:
Big surprise. So he's gonna serve the hot girl instead of tending to the lovely, large Caucasian man and his charming Indian friend.

Arnold:
If that bozo thinks he's getting a tip after this bullshit... he's right. I'm actually too afraid of the awkwardness of not tipping.

Dev:
You could always give him a dollar and then give him a mean mug afterwards. Just like... [grunts]

Arnold:
Throws a dollar. [grunts]

Dev:
That's good. Real mean.

Arnold:
Thank you.

Police Officer:
You said you took a video of the incident?

Dev:
Yeah.

Police Officer:
Can you send it to this number? [handing him his card]

Dev:
Whoa. So I'm texting you a video of him jerking off? This is weird.

Police Officer:
[blank stare]

Dev:
Come on, it *is* a little weird.

[last lines]

Rachel:
I'm not saying that you're a sexist monster. I just think it's weird that your first instinct is to act like I'm crazy and defend Brad Honeycutt instead of just believing me.

Dev:
Well, I guess, in my head, I'd like to think someone isn't so awful that they wouldn't introduce themselves to someone just 'cause they're a woman.

Rachel:
And what I'm saying is that there are a lot of subtle little things that happen to me and all women, even in our little progressive world. And when somebody, especially my boyfriend, tells me I'm wrong without having any way of knowing my personal experience, it's insulting.

Dev:
Okay. I get that. Well, I mean, I guess there's no way I'll ever really know what it's like to be in your shoes, so I'll try to do a better job of listening, all right? So can we call it a draw?

Rachel:
Nope. I won... [running down the street]

Dev:
Hey!

Rachel:
I won! Hello, everybody, I won! I had a fight with my boyfriend, and I just won that fight!

Dev:
No, we came to an understanding after a thoughtful discussion.

Rachel:
I won! [jazzy punk rock music]

[first lines]

Dev:
[still in bed] Hey.

Rachel:
[getting dressed] Hey.

Dev:
Can you keep it down? Some people are trying to sleep.

Rachel:
[in a whisper] Sorry. I have to go to work.

Dev:
Why do you have to go to work so early? Can't you quit and just start working at Boning Industries?

Rachel:
What's Boning Industries?

Dev:
It's a company I started where we just bone all day.

Rachel:
Ooh.

Rachel:
What would your penis be called?

Dev:
Um, Charlemagne.

Rachel:
Wait, Charlemagne?

Dev:
Yeah, he's dignified.

Rachel:
Okay, I see that.

Dev:
What's her name?

Rachel:
Beatrice.

Dev:
Beatrice and Charlemagne? All right, I like that.

[last lines]

Dev:
Can you tell me a story?

Rachel:
Mm, Once upon a time, there was a little boo named Dev, and he couldn't sleep, and he kept the lovely Princess Rachel awake, and she went crazy, and she beat his bumps.

Dev:
Hey. That story doesn't have a good ending. It's too sad.

Rachel:
You tell *me* a story.

Dev:
Okay. Um once upon a time, there was this little boo named Dev, and one day, he met this beautiful princess named Rachel. And she had the nicest bumps ever, and she was really cool and funny. And she was standing at this jukebox, and little Dev went over and said, "Hey, were you playing the Buzzcocks?" And she was like, "Oh, yeah, that was me," and he was like, "Oh, I love the Buzzcocks." And they started talking and dancing, and eventually, they went home together, and Charlemagne met Beatrice.

Rachel:
But that night Charlemagne was so powerful, he broke through his protective shield, and they had to go get the magic potion called a Plan B pill, and it was kind of weird. And they thought they were never gonna see each other ever again. But then they ran into each other at a concert, and they were drinking and dancing and having fun, and then Dev was like, "Ooh, I'm gonna kiss her." But Princess Rachel was dating some evil prince that lived in some kingdom called Seattle, so she couldn't do it.

Dev:
But then one day, they took a trip to Nashville together, and they had so much fun. It was the greatest trip ever. And eventually, they moved into the same castle together. And every now and then, they fought about silly stuff, and sometimes they fought about more serious stuff. But in the end, they figured it out because they love each other very much and they really love the kingdom they built together. The end.

Rachel:
Did they live happily ever after?

Dev:
I don't know about ever after, but they're pretty happy now.

[first lines]

Arnold:
Dude, these bathrooms are so amazing. I love when restaurants splurge on those premium hand dryers. I feel like I'm drying my hands in the future.

Dev:
Oh, and that fancy soap? - Mm. - My hands smell like geraniums. It's amazing. Hey, so I was thinking about this. You know in that 8 Mile song, Eminem raps, There is no movie. There's no Mekhi Phifer. But it is a movie. And Mekhi Phifer's there. He's there.

Arnold:
Uh-uh. That's where you're wrong. He's writing it from the perspective of Eminem in real life.

Dev:
No, no, no. He says, "Mom's spaghetti." That's in the movie. He has a spaghetti stain on his shirt before the battle at The Shelter. He's B-Rabbit.

Arnold:
No, you're just being ignorant now. In the first verse, he's rapping as the character B-Rabbit, and there is a movie I'll grant you that.

Dev:
Thank yer.

Arnold:
But in the second verse, the perspective switches to that of Eminem, the real-life rapping actor. So, therefore, the lyrics stand. There *is* no movie. There *is* no Mekhi Phifer.

Dev:
[sighs] All right. Point taken.

Dev:
Um I'm sorry I didn't remember you were from Texas. Uh, I was definitely hammered that night, so please just give me a pass on the basis of that.

Rachel:
Oh, of course. I barely remember anything from that night, except for that you're from South Carolina, you have a younger brother, your dad's a doctor, and you went to a public high school for students, uh, gifted in math and science.

Dev:
Yeah. But... don't you feel like those are just assumptions you can make about any Indian person?

Dev:
[looking it up] Honky-tonk means white people hitting it hard? As a minority, I'll admit I'm a little bit nervous about a situation where a large group of white people are hitting it hard, but I'll take my chances.

Rachel:
All right, honky, let's go tonk.

Dev:
I feel like once you get to our age, that window to do big moves like that starts to close. And it doesn't even close slowly. You just look up, and it's closed.

Rachel:
At some point, I would love to do something crazy, like quit my job, change my hair, move to Tokyo, but I'll probably just pull a Jennifer and wake up with a kid in my lap and be like, "Sh*t, forgot to do it." Yeah.

Dev:
Why Tokyo?

Rachel:
I've always wanted to go. And I was really into Japanese culture and stuff when I was in high school.

Dev:
Well, you could always pull the Eat, Pray, Love move. You know, the window opens back up again when you turn 50 and you realize you f***ed up your life. So you can just travel then.

Rachel:
Very depressing.

[last lines]

Rachel:
[getting out of taxi] Thank you so much. I had a really wonderful time.

Dev:
Yeah, I did too. This may sound crazy 'cause I know we've been hanging out nonstop for the past 24 hours. Plus those seven bonus angry hours. But uh, are you hungry? You want to get some food?

Rachel:
Yeah, I could go get some food. But I'm really picky about my condiments. Wait. You don't happen to have three large bottles of Tickler's white barbecue sauce, do you?

Dev:
I did, but I drank all three bottles on the plane when you went to the bathroom.

Rachel:
Oh, that's too bad. Well, it was really nice seeing you. Bye.

Dev:
Bye. Wait, I have some! I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming. I'm coming...

Rachel:
[laughs]

Dev:
So, should we follow around some full-bodied people, find a good place to eat?

Rachel:
[laughs] [slow Country music]

Dev:
Your IMDb page is full of Indian stereotypes.

[first lines]

Arnold Schwarzenegger as Julius:
[in Twins movie] Do we look okay?

Hampton:
See? Look at the picture. Look how it's slanting and jumping around.

Arnold:
Yeah, I see that, Grandpa. It's the tracking. I'm trying to fix it.

Hampton:
It normally doesn't look like that.

Arnold:
I know. I'm working on it.

Hampton:
Well, now it's worse.

Dev:
Uh, you know, Grandpa Hampton, we might be ignoring the larger issue here. Nobody uses VCRs anymore. Why don't we throw that guy in the garbage and we have old Arnold buy you a brand new Blu-ray player?

Hampton:
I don't trust those discs. I don't want any lasers in my home. Plus, I got my collection of tapes already.

Arnold:
Yeah, Dev, I don't think they have the 1996 US Open tennis quarterfinals on Blu-ray yet.

Hampton:
Don't tell me who wins!

Arnold:
All right. I give up. The stress that it's gonna take for me to fix this is not worth the $3 to buy you a new VCR. We're gonna go out and get you one.

Hampton:
Forget about watching Twins. Let's skip it. Let's just sit it down, have a beer. Let's talk.

Dev:
Dude, we got to get the f*** out of here. I'm not trying to hang out with your cranky grandpa. You said we're coming to Astoria to get a tasty shawarma and we'd see your grandpa for a minute. I've been watching blurry Twins for an hour.

Arnold:
I know. I'm sorry, dude.

Dev:
Tracking's so bad, it looks like Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny DeVito are twins.

Dev:
What was it like dating back then? Seems like everything was a little nicer and simpler.

Carol:
A guy from the neighborhood came up and said, "You're beautiful. I'm gonna marry you." Then he did. Then you raise a bunch of kids. Your husband dies. Your kids put you in a home. And then you're eating pasta with your granddaughter's ethnic boyfriend.

[last lines]

Carol:
[nightclub applause] Oh, thank you so much. Would you mind if I just sang one more?

Carol:
[singing to gentle piano music] You go to my head And you linger like a haunting refrain. And I find you spinning round in my brain, like the bubbles in a glass of champagne. Oh, you go to my head, like a sip of sparkling Burgundy brew. And I find the very mention of you, like the kicker in a julep or two. The thrill of the thought, that you might give a thought, to my plea, casts a spell over me. Still I say to myself "Get ahold of yourself," "Can't you see that it never can be?" Oh, you go to my head with a smile that makes my temperature rise. Like a summer with a thousand Julys. You intoxicate my soul With your eyes.

Dev:
Text from my dad: "Please come and fix my iPad. Now it won't stop dinging." Does your dad always text you to fix stuff?

Brian:
I don't think my dad knows how to text. He also hates talking in person. He averages, like, three words a week.

Dev:
Our dads are so weird. I told my dad I got a callback on The Sickening.

Brian:
Oh, the black virus movie? That's great.

Dev:
Thank you. I told *him*. He's like, "Uh, okay. Can you fix my iPad?" How about, "Hey, son, great work," or, "Hey, son, I'm proud of you"?

Brian:
I have, I have never, ever heard my dad say the word "proud." It's always like, "That's it? So that's all you've done?" Like, if I went to the moon, he would honestly be like, "When are you going to Mars?"

Dev:
Yeah. "Oh, Brian, you went to the moon? That's like graduating from community college. When are you gonna graduate from Harvard. AKA, go to Pluto?"

Brian:
I just feel like Asian parents, they don't have the emotional reach to say they're proud or whatever. Have you ever hung out with a white person's parents, though? They are crazy nice. Yeah. I had dinner once with my last girlfriend's mom, and by the end of that meal, she had hugged me more times than my family has hugged me in my entire life.

Dev:
Yeah, dude, most white families, they'd be so psyched to adopt me. [cell phone honks] Aw, sh*t!

Ramesh:
We didn't do anything for fun. You realize fun is a new thing, right? Fun is a luxury only your generation really has.

Dev:
Ma, what about your first day in America? That must have been pretty exciting.

Nisha:
No, I just got dropped off from the airport, and your father went to work. I didn't know nobody, and I barely knew your father. We had an arranged marriage. And I knew him only for a week or so.

Dev:
What about that first day, though? Did you go out and explore the city?

Nisha:
No, I sat on the couch and cried.

Dev:
Well, that's really sad.

Nisha:
[in Tamil] You asked!

Dev:
Well, is there anything else you remember?

Nisha:
Yeah, I was scared to answer the telephone because nobody would understand me because of my accent.

Brian:
Like, what an insane journey. My dad used to bathe in a river, and now he drives a car that talks to him.

Dev:
What? What is going on right now? We can't have dinner with them again. I'm not trying to hang out with Peter Chang on the regs.

Brian:
No, I just wanted to do one dinner. I don't want, like, a serious relationship with my father.

Dev:
The guy from the guitar place said you canceled the rest of your lessons.

Ramesh:
Yeah, I tried it. I didn't like it that much. My fingers hurt when I held the strings.

Dev:
What about your sad story about how when you were a kid in India, Thatha wouldn't get you a guitar?

Ramesh:
I don't know. Leave me alone. Let me play my computer games, man. [making excited noises] Whee!

Lila:
[entering a frozen yogurt shop] Black lady! Chinese man!

Dev:
Hey, don't... don't yell out people's ethnicities.

Dev:
I got a buddy, this guy Donald, him and his girlfriend were having sex, same situation. She got pregnant. Now they got a kid. His name's Samson.

Lila:
Well, that seems anecdotal.

Dev:
No, no. I *know* this guy. He's a friend of mine.

Lila:
That's what anecdotal means. You take one example, and you apply it to everything else.

Dev:
Oh, then *that's* anecdotal.

Lila:
Yeah.

Dev:
I was confusing it with urban legend.

Denise:
Dev, you want kids?

Dev:
Part of me is like, "Yeah." It could be an amazing human experience.

Denise:
True, true.

Dev:
But then part of me's like, "All right, later tonight, I want to get some pasta." Now, if I have a kid, I can't go. I got to scramble to find a sitter or something.

Dev:
What if I don't find a sitter, huh? Then what? What, I'm not eating the pasta?

Denise:
That sounds horrible.

Arnold:
That said, I *do* know some parents who still eat pasta.

Dev:
Yeah, they're eating their little kids' SpaghettiOs. They ain't housing that fresh gnocchi.

Dev:
Uh, Alex is here buying some gifts for her baby.

Arnold:
Oh, really? What's the name of that cutie?

Alex:
Lucien.

Arnold:
Lucien? You named your baby Lucien?

Alex:
I did. Yes.

Arnold:
That's my lizard's name. What a small world. He passed away recently. He was run over by an ice cream truck.

Colin:
I'll run you through the elevator pitch for the movie. So, what is the one thing everyone has?

Dev:
I don't know.

Colin:
A car. So I do a movie where I am a car.

Dev:
So... it's like Knight Rider and you're doing the voice?

Colin:
Nope! I *am* the car! Batman has a Batmobile, Thor has a Thormobile...

Dev:
Uh, I don't think he does.

[first lines]

Colin:
The infected! They're closing in! [laughs] Just kidding. You're safe at craft services. Colin Salmon. [extends his hand]

Dev:
Hi. Dev. I'm a huge fan.

Colin:
Oh, good to see you're charging up for the scene. Watch the dairy, though. It's not good for the voice.

Dev:
Uh-oh. Well, this is my second one. I'm excited for the scene today.

Colin:
As am I. But, of course, today is also the anniversary of the disappearance of my cat, Shakespeare, so there's a bit of a dark cloud above us today.

Dev:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. What happened?

Colin:
Took him to the Swiss premiere of Alien vs. Predator. We were enjoying a picnic by Lake Geneva when an owl came, snatched Shakespeare with his talons. They flew off. We never saw each other again. The memory of that gruesome silhouette against an Alpine sunset... is something I will never forget.

Dev:
All right, well um, it was great to meet you. Um, I'm gonna eat this cinnamon raisin bagel. I'll see you out there.

Colin:
[Colin still striking his melancholy pose] Bye...

Nina:
Hey, Vineet, it's Nina. So good to see you.

Dev:
No, wrong Indian guy. I'm not Vineet.

Nina:
No, I know, I'm trying to get rid of this weirdo over there. Just pretend you're talking to me for a little bit.

Dev:
Oh, okay. Um, do I need to get in character as Vineet, or can I be myself?

Nina:
No, you can You can be yourself.

Dev:
What if I want to be a different Indian guy named Darwish who sells tractors?

Nina:
Okay, Darwish. How's the tractor business?

Dev:
[sighs] Not good. So far, I've sold, mm, zero tractors.

Nina:
Oh, no.

Dev:
Yeah. Apparently there's no farmland in Manhattan.

Nina:
Do you care about the environment? My husband's company is the number one polluter of the Hudson River. He is personally responsible for the death of thousands of local ducks. So if you care about our country's lakes and rivers, we should totally have sex right now.

Colin:
Dev, I'm inspired by you, and I am feeding off your energy. And I think I've come up with a title for the film: CarPerson. No, wait. Wait... CarHuman.

Dev:
Why not just CarMan? "Colin Salmon is CarMan."

Colin:
[stands up] Dev, you've done it again! It's brilliant. And we should celebrate with a Cinnabon, and I won't take no for an answer.

Dev:
Okay, I'll have one.

Colin:
Great! We just have to wait for the glaze to thaw. [slowly sitting back down] Takes a few hours. Should be ready by nightfall.

[last lines]

Mark:
A marriage is a beautiful thing that you make together. And it has many parts, one of which is monogamy. But the way we look at it, you don't just blow up the whole thing 'cause one part is broken. You try to fix that part. Like, if I had messed up one of the legs on the table I made for Nina, I wouldn't throw out the whole table. I'd fix the leg. Right, honey?

Nina:
Yeah. Look, it's not perfect. But it's real. It's life.

Mark:
Very real.

Nina:
Yeah.

Dev:
Wow, well, I'm glad this didn't end with you murdering me like in those Richard Gere movies.

Nina:
He's not gonna beat you to death with a snow globe and then wrap your body up in a rug and dump you in a landfill.

Mark:
Unfaithful, Unfaithful.

Nina:
Yeah!

Dev:
It's a great movie.

Mark:
Oh, Gere at his best.

Denise:
Good movie.

Mark:
Oh, and hey, I'm sorry I cut in line at the ice cream place. I was coked out of my mind. But I'm sober now.

Dev:
That's great.

Nina:
Good.

Dev:
Well, um, all right. All right.

Nina:
Anyway bye...

Denise:
Nice meeting y'all. I'll see you at work.

Denise:
[to Dev] What just happened?