Metalocalypse

Dr. Rockso:
My video was banned from music television, cause you could see my junk... through my jumpsuit.

Dr. Rockso:
Whadda you do for a living, sell shoes? Cooka-yayah-o!

Dr. Rockso:
I'm Dr. Rockzo, the rock and roll clown! I do cocaine!

Multiple:
Brutal!

[repeated line]

Toki Wartooth:
Wowee!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
This is a complete and total, you know, sausage festival.

Toki Wartooth:
I love sausage festival!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
What?

Toki Wartooth:
Like in Vienna.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
No - no, Toki, that *was* a sausage festival.

Toki Wartooth:
Yeah, that was good.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah. It was the Vienna pork saus - um, no, this means that there's no good-looking ladies to put you-know-what intoside of them.

Toki Wartooth:
The sausage?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[short pause] Yeah. Anyway, what were you talking about, like, a second ago? I'm sorry I cut you off.

Toki Wartooth:
Oh, I gots to make something for Murderface. I gonna make him a macaroni murder lady.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I'm sure he'll hate that. Eh, pardon me. [he walks away]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Hey Pickle, tell Murderface what you just told me about that guy.

Pickles the Drummer:
Oh, right.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
It's hilarious.

Pickles the Drummer:
That dude he headbutted? That guy was a Danish prince! Can you believe that?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[disgustedly] Pfft. The Dutch.

Pickles the Drummer:
Oh, check it out, he's got a brain contusion and a fractured skull. Oh, and he's last in line for the Danish royalty. That is messed up, dude.

William Murderface:
Well, that's what he gets for goin' after my hog.

Pickles the Drummer:
Awesome.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Dude, I would've done the same thing. [rolls his eyes] Dutch.

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah, well, it's official. I mean, you're gettin'... really... good at headbuttin'.

Nathan Explosion:
Ladies and gentlemen! Welcome to the party. And as you all know, no party is complete without a birthday party clown. And we got one of the finest rock and roll clowns - around, so please - put it - your hands - to - you know... here comes the rock and roll clown.

Dr. Rockso:
Ooh, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-ka-yeah! I'm Dr. Rockso, the rock and roll clown! I do cocaine! Ah-ka-ka-ka-yeah!

[Murderface covers his face in disgust]

Dr. Rockso:
I hear it's somebody's birthday! I do COCAINE!

[he inflates a long, skinny balloon with a silent fart]

Dr. Rockso:
Dr. Rockso gonna make you a BALLOON bass!

[sotto voce to Murderface]

Dr. Rockso:
I seriously do... a lotta cocaine.

[he turns his back to the crowd as he ties the balloons together, then faces front again]

Dr. Rockso:
Try it out!

[he hands Murderface a Bootsy Collins Space Bass balloon]

Dr. Rockso:
Wait a minute: I think someone's outta tune!

[he twists a "knob" on the "bass"]

Dr. Rockso:
Just a little more.

[the "knob" part of the balloon pops on Murderface's head]

Dr. Rockso:
You popped a string! Ha-ho! I do coc...

[he chokes as Murderface shoves the long part of the balloon down his throat]

Pickles the Drummer:
Hey douchebag! [car is lowered down] Happy birthday!

Nathan Explosion:
Well what do you think?

Toki Wartooth:
Big fat tires and everything!

William Murderface:
But I already got, like, a million limos.

Pickles the Drummer:
Dude, not like this one. This is the limo that Kennedy got his brains smashed open in with a bullet.

Nathan Explosion:
It's all souped up... and desecrated.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah, dude, and the driver's seat is the chair from, like, where President Wrinkloln was shot. And assassinated in.

Pickles the Drummer:
And... you're entered in the first ever Dethklok Dethmolition Klok-a-matae Deth Derby!

Toki Wartooth:
And I made you this macaroni murder lady! What used to be the red hots were the blood, but I ates them.

William Murderface:
You mean I get to destroy United States history... literally? [sheds a bloody tear]

Nathan Explosion:
And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... NOTHING!

Nathan Explosion:
[Murderface is attempting to sneak out of Mordhaus after his disastrous birthday party. He is suddenly blinded by a spotlight from an overhead helicopter, which lowers the rest of the band, wearing camouflage and night-vision goggles, down to the ground on ziplines] Attention! You big baby!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Ah, what are you doing, going for a crybaby walk?

William Murderface:
Hey, why's everybody wearin' camouflage? You joinin' the Marines?

Nathan Explosion:
We wanted to, uh, surprise you... in outfits.

William Murderface:
Look like a stupid Navy SEAL.

Nathan Explosion:
That's part of the surprise.

William Murderface:
Why?

Nathan Explosion:
Because it makes us harder to see. And that's awesome.

William Murderface:
[at the Louvre] Thirty-thousand pieces of art, and what do you know. They all stink like sh...

[cuts to the Louvre in flames]

French guy:
Vive Dethklok!

Nathan Explosion:
And now, the blackest present for the most brutal of all bass players... [empty box drops from ceiling] Nothing!

William Murderface:
Awww you suck! You all suck! [walks off stage]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Oh yeah? How bout you go play records backwards and go kill yourself?

Pickles the Drummer:
Hey fatso, we got your favourite thing: disappointment!

Nathan Explosion:
We're in a horrible depression, and i gotta admit: we're starting to like it.

[sees that Toki is incredibly toned and muscular]

Nathan Explosion:
My GOD I have let myself go...

Nathan Explosion:
Hey Dogface, why don't you go and... eat some dog food, and eat your own throw-up, 'cause you're a dog... face.

William Murderface:
Jeesh Nathan... a little below the belt, I guess I really do have a dogface, maybe I should throw up and eat it.

Mashed Potato Johnson:
Why don't ya' try to play this. [Johnson plays a blues lick followed by Toki and Skwisgaar playing fast arpeggios]

Mashed Potato Johnson:
That's close... uh, one more time. Try to play this. [Johnson plays another blues lick followed by Toki and Skwisgaar playing scales]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
We can't NOT plays fast, uh, physically.

Toki Wartooth:
Yeah, it's hards.

Toki Wartooth:
[Cinder block hits him in the crotch] OH... I gots the hit in the balls with the train cinder block right in the balls blues!

Nathan Explosion:
[Murderface is trying to write a song] Alright so let's hear it, let's go Simon and Garfunkle.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah let's go Loggins and Messina.

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah let's go George and Ira Gershwin.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah let's go Rogers and Hammerstein.

William Murderface:
Wait a minute, why the hell am I two people?

Nathan Explosion:
Let's go, Crosby Stills and Nash.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
And Youngs.

Nathan Explosion:
And Walter Becker and Donald Fagan.

William Murderface:
Alright alright alright, just shut up! I need to concentrate. Open strong...

Nathan Explosion:
That's a uh, great book you got there.

William Murderface:
Just shut up! Gotta think!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah less thinkings more playings, come on grandpa guitar, let's do this!

William Murderface:
Fine, fine! Here goes!

William Murderface:
[playing acoustic] A million miles from nowhere, dragon lance burns hot... by the fire of a horse's ghost, a minnow would be lost... cha cha, cha changes... mm, tits, a fish, a fish with tits. Titty fish.

[Suddenly throws the guitar on the floor and stomps on it]

William Murderface:
Aw shucks! I broke the guitar! Aw nuts!

Toki Wartooth:
That's what families is, peoples you hates.

Nathan Explosion:
This is great. This is some good drama.

William Murderface:
You can't pay for this.

Nathan Explosion:
No you can't, it just simply is.

William Murderface:
It's like an eclipse or something. You just, you gotta be there.

William Murderface:
I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants today... that's what I did today.

William Murderface:
I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's... that's what I get today.

General Krosier:
His name is Dr. Rockso. He's the rock'n'roll clown. He does cocaine. I'm afraid that's all we know.

Senator Stampingston:
Gentlemen, satellite photos revealed something very disturbing at Mordhaus last night. One of the members of Dethklok was joyriding with a clown... a rock and roll clown. General Krosier?

General Krosier:
His name is Dr. Rockso. He's the rock and roll clown. He does cocaine. I'm afraid that's all we know.

Cardinal Ravenwood:
It is the fool that tempts fate. The fool can be the fly on the back of the beast.

General Krosier:
I think we should bring him in.

Senator Stampingston:
[clearly not happy with the idea] Yes. I suppose we have to deal with nefarious characters to get close to Dethklok.

Dr. Rockso:
I'm Dr. Rockso, the rock and roll clown! I do cocaine!

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
[telling the roadies what to do with Dr. Rockso] Put the boots to him. Medium style.

Dr. Rockso:
What's that, Judge? Why is my nose bleeding? I-I fell dooooown.

Pickles the Drummer:
Going out all night long with guns? You know... guns are cool. So, um, what was I saying here?

Dr. Rockso:
You just keep that cabbage comin', daddy-o, and Rockso'll getcha whatcha want, when ya want it! Now, which one of you humps has got a cigarette for Dr. Rockso?

Toki Wartooth:
It's metal to like clowns.

William Murderface:
I woke up with a clown's hand in my pants. That's what I did today.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
So, your dad's gots the Big K. Cancers.

William Murderface:
Hey, did you know that Norway has the lowest murder rate in the whole world? The lowest in the world?

Nathan Explosion:
Wait a minute, you mean that the murder rate in Canada is higher than Norway?

William Murderface:
Yah.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh my God, that's lame. This place is lame.

[the other band members have just used needing to work on the album as an excuse for not joining Toki on his trip to Norway to see his dad before he dies]

Charles Ofdensen:
Well, uh, since you can't go to Norway because you got to work on the album, let's just work on that album. Come on, guys. In the- in the recording room, chop-chop. Recording room. Come on, come on. Every one of you, come on. Chop-chop, let's go. Recording room, let's go. Recording room, let's go. *Let's* go.

[jump cut to band playing at the video arcade games]

Charles Ofdensen:
[not missing a beat] Come on, let's get it moving.

Senator Stampingston:
Gentlemen, Toki Wartooth's father is on his deathbed. Our psychological death expert, Dr. Ralphus Galkinsmelter.

Dr. Ralphus Galkinsmelter:
Toki Wartooth has become a messenger of death. Everything he touches with his love will die, for he brings death with him like a blackened cloud... hovering... in the cold... night... sky. Like the grim reaper himself, his guitar is his scythe. He cascaaades through the open window of your child's cradle to suck the very life from your baby's breath.

General Crozier:
What a load of horse sh*t.

Dr. Ralphus Galkinsmelter:
How dare you, General. You're like a withering toad, eating flies on your lilypad.

Senator Stampingston:
Dr. Galkinsmelter, please behave yourself! What does this all mean?

Dr. Ralphus Galkinsmelter:
Toki has suppressed his feelings for his father. His death may ignite long-dormant emotions. He will spin out of control into a vortex of madness. He will bring death to us all. He will bring death to us all. Thank you.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
A number of criminals are going to be executed soon and the prison system has asked you to perform at this execution.

Nathan Explosion:
No. Pass.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
And they want you to pick how they are executed.

Nathan Explosion:
Aww, awwww... DARN! That's awesome! That's really awesome!

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Does this sound like something you might consider doing?

Nathan Explosion:
[throws a beer bottle across the room] DAArrrhhh... YEAH! But it's gotta be really f***ing brutal.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
You have to get back to work and back into the studio, and make another record, so start thinking about that.

Nathan Explosion:
Well, start thinking about this!

[struggles to overturn a table]

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Actually, I had that table... I had that table...

[waits until Nathan stops]

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
I had that table permanently fixed to the floor.

William Murderface:
Oh no.

Nathan Explosion:
Don't you take away my ability to have tantrums, alright. That you CANNOT have! Alright, you ROBOT?

Pickles:
[about the band's return to performing]... We're glad you forced us out there again. Y'know, it felt good. Y-y-y'know, couple of things I would have done differently though, y'know, whatever...

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
You mean like, not blind the stage driver and crash it into a prison of dangerous criminals?

Pickles:
Heheh - no, that was a happy accident.

Nathan Explosion:
The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.

Pickles the Drummer:
[the band has agreed to meet in the bathroom of a restaurant; they are debating what to do about their intrusive families. Pickles storms through the door as Murderface is urinating] I'm gonna lose my mind, my parents just brag and brag about my brother! "Oh, he's in a room above the garage!" BIG DEAL! He's an ex-con! [he takes several puffs of an asthma inhaler] I haven't used of these things for fifteen years.

Nathan Explosion:
[Nathan and Skwisgaar burst in] WHAT THE F***!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
This whole thing gives me a case of my stomachs throw up!

William Murderface:
What're you worried about? Your mom seems cool.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
She was the most pros-kwim-in-ous. Womens in Swedens has sex with everybody. Pfft! Thanks, Mom!

Nathan Explosion:
The fact that my parents had sex in order to create me makes me want to be buried alive.

William Murderface:
My grandma has an odor that's so very wrong, and she wants me to buy that bastard a wheelchair; she won't shut up about it!

Pickles the Drummer:
Why do we make it so hard on ourselves? We'll just solve it like any other problem.

William Murderface:
Of course! We have them put to sleep!

Pickles the Drummer:
No, we lie! We'll lie through our teeth and throw money at 'em. Buy that bastard a wheelchair; we'll take 'em miniature golfing or whatever the f*** people do. We'll pretend we're "interested" in what they're askin', and when that weekend's over... we'll ship 'em outta here, never to be seen again. Deal?

William Murderface:
Okay.

Stella Murderface:
[Murderface buys his grandfather a new electric wheelchair; his grandmother is ecstatic] Oh, William, you're going to go to heaven for this!

William Murderface:
I'd rather die than go to heaven.

Nick Ibsen:
We're back with arguably the greatest entertainment force in the history of the world, Dethklok. Gentlemen... you are the twelfth-largest economy in the world and climbing... and yet you all are *intensely* private. Little is known about your personal lives. Why...

Nathan Explosion:
[cutting him off] Because.

Nick Ibsen:
[pause] Well, we at "The Nick Ibsen Show" do pride ourselves on uncovering... the m - [he is interrupted again by Murderface slamming his knife into the table]

William Murderface:
Hey, douchebag! Why don't you drill a hole in your forehead and let all the sap run out?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Huh-huh, for pancakes.

Nick Ibsen:
As intimidating as it is to interview such amazing entertainment figures, I nonetheless have a journalistic duty to uncover... [a fly is heard unzipping, followed by a stream of urine hitting the floor]... certain, uh... are you urinating on my shoes?

William Murderface:
[pause] Yes, I am.

Stella Murderface:
Oh William, you're going to go heaven for this!

William Murderface:
I'd rather die than go to heaven.

William Murderface:
I'm psyched.

Dick Knubbler:
You're ready. I'm ready.

William Murderface:
We're ready.

Dick Knubbler:
We've got a lot of work to do, so lets uh, lets get in there and do it!

William Murderface:
Ready to go! Psyched.

Dick Knubbler:
So you uh, you got your songs ready, you got your lyrics ready, you're organized?

William Murderface:
I've got my songs ready.

Dick Knubbler:
You've got everything ready to go?

William Murderface:
Pretty much ready. It's all about organization.

Dick Knubbler:
It's time to do it. It's time to do it.

William Murderface:
We're ready to go.

Dick Knubbler:
Just ready to go. Ready to go.

William Murderface:
You know what my fear is? I just hope this doesn't become bigger than Dethklok. You know, that's, that'd be... that'd be something, you know.

Dick Knubbler:
Well, uh, I will tell you this, that's a good problem to have. That's a problem you want to have. It's a good one.

William Murderface:
Yeah... that's a problem you want to have.

Dick Knubbler:
Let's uh, let's go in there. Let's do it.

William Murderface:
Hold on, hold on, hold, just, let me, you know, gather myself, gather myself. Get ready.

Dick Knubbler:
Well you know, we've been here sitting for five hours... talking...

William Murderface:
Well, it just doesn't happen overnight...

Dick Knubbler:
[Recording] Go! Go!

William Murderface:
I am piss! And you are piss! And caves are piss! The sky is piss! And lights are piss! And cars are piss! And books are piss! And every single thing in the universe is piss!

Dick Knubbler:
Find the downbeat.

William Murderface:
Planet Piss! Where's the bass? Where's a the bass?

Dick Knubbler:
Find the downbeat! Go! Go! Come on! Louder! Do it louder, come on! Yeah!

William Murderface:
The planet's piss! And everything, and everything, and everything is piss! And every single thing in the universe is piss! Piss IS PISS! PISS! Planet piss. Planet f***ing piss.

Dick Knubbler:
Yeah! We got it. Yeah come on in, we got it. It was great. I got enough to work with, it's Pro Tools.

Nathan Explosion:
You feeling okay?

Pickles:
[More drunk than he's ever been in his life] Yeeuh.

Nathan Explosion:
Okay, cause you sound a little, you're slurring.

Pickles:
Dude, I'm... I'm fine.

Nathan Explosion:
I want you to engineer this section because these guys are paying me a lot of money and I don't want to pay anyone to keep it all, I don't want to give it to anybody else like a dumb engineer alright.

Pickles:
Dude.

Nathan Explosion:
Alright, thanks. Alright, now...

Pickles:
Yeah.

Nathan Explosion:
Make sure the levels are... yeah...

Pickles:
Dude, lights are blinking right here.

Nathan Explosion:
Alright, now, I want to do this in one take because this guy wrote a lot of stuff got it?

Pickles:
Alright, yeah.

Nathan Explosion:
Here we go.

Pickles:
K. Go!

Nathan Explosion:
"To be or not to be that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer..."

[Hours pass as Nathan gets more and more hoarse from reading Shakespear in death metal vocals, Pickles is almost dead from booze and boredom]

Pickles:
Dude, Nathan, you're gonna kill me, but I totally forgot to press record. Uhh, but here's the good news. I'm sorry!

Nathan Explosion:
[Camera flies down his throat as he tries to scream, but no sound will escape]

Toki Wartooth:
How comes I can't sits arounds and drinks like Pickle? How comes I can't f***ing sits around and screw sluts or something? But no, you are the cutesy guy that kids like, you gotta helps people gets over their problems, well f*** that! You do's it.

Toki Wartooth:
[In an evil voice while burning things with a flamethrower] See you in your nightmares, dickweeds!

Toki Wartooth:
So what you're saying is we do the opposite of bleak and dark.

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah.

Toki Wartooth:
What's the opposite of tragedy?

Nathan Explosion:
COMEDDDDYY!

Nathan Explosion:
[Bodybag routine] Well hey Bodybag, how's it going? 'Smells like somebody took a crap on me!' Aww, Bodybag.

Nathan Explosion:
Well look Bodybag. It's your old friends Brains. [holds up a brain] 'Hi, I'm Brains, I go in your head!'

Nathan Explosion:
We will give you half... OF NOTHING!

Prosecutor:
[Dethklok are in court for alleged "subliminal messages" on their latest album] The lyrics clearly state, "Go into the water. Go into the water. Live there, die there." And my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this underwater album by your band, Dethklok!

Pickles the Drummer:
[smugly] Why don't *you*... go breathe underwater?

[the courtroom erupts in laughter]

Prosecutor:
I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life!

William Murderface:
Suggest all you want! It won't make your weenie any bigger, you dildo licker!

[the courtroom continues their guffaws]

Prosecutor:
This band is a danger to the human race!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
"You's" a danger of putting us to-a sleep! I woulda broughts a sleepings bag, I know this guys was gonna show up!

Prosecutor:
Your Honor, we "demand" $50 million for medical bills and punitive damages.

Toki Wartooth:
Hey... how 'bout we compromise?

Nathan Explosion:
We'll give you half... of NOTHING!

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
The album clearly states, "Intended for fish only." I rest... my case.

Judge:
Not guilty!

[bangs gavel]

Toki Wartooth:
Well, we wins that one.

Nathan Explosion:
Whatever.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
You'd prefer that we lose?

Nathan Explosion:
No, just thinkin' about the next album.

Pickles the Drummer:
Oh, right, you mean how're we supposed to top an album that made a million people accidentally kill themselves.

Nathan Explosion:
Exactly.

William Murderface:
Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world's leaders, or a bunch of ladies. That would be heavy.

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah, we can't really get writer's credit for something like that.

William Murderface:
Good point.

Senator Stampingston:
It appears that Dethklok has taken to studying comedy. This is not good, gentlemen.

General Crozier:
With all due respect, Senator, how can this mean anything to world economics?

Senator Stampingston:
It means everything. It's true that comedy has been no threat to us over the last fifteen years, but with Dethklok in the mix, they threaten to excite a field of entertainment we all know to be dead. Gentlemen: our comedy specialist, Dr. Donald Gorfield.

Dr. Donald Gorfield:
Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid. They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives. These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering as high-profile standup and sketch comics.

[the Adult Swim, Comedy Central, and MTV logos, as well as cartoon representations of comics like Jay Leno and Larry the Cable Guy, appear on the television screens behind him]

Dr. Donald Gorfield:
Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle, it's their first time onstage! The Brothers... of Deception. [scattered applause]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[Skwisgaar and Toki walk onstage, guitars in hand] So... I was thinking of killing myself.

Toki Wartooth:
That's funny. I was thinking of killing you, too.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Well... how do you like that? [he peels off a lightning-fast riff on his guitar; the audience just stares]

Toki Wartooth:
Mom always hated you most.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
She hates both of us the most.

Toki Wartooth:
[Toki plays a single chord and his guitar strap breaks; the audience stares again] [whispering to Skwisgaar] I hate you... seriously.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[whispering] Okay.

Pickles the Drummer:
[obviously ill at ease onstage] Okay. We are going to delight you all with a little improvisational comedy. Okay. And all we need to get started is, ah - one location.

Heckler:
How 'bout a different comedy club! [the audience laughs]

Pickles the Drummer:
Okay! I heard, uh, "gas station."

William Murderface:
I'm a gas station attendant.

Pickles the Drummer:
[sitting on a stool, miming driving a car] Fill her up, I am driving a Corvette. It is midnight blue with chrome rims...

Heckler:
Hey, Pippi Long-boring! You suck! [the audience laughs]

Pickles the Drummer:
Could ya fill it up just a little bit faster?

William Murderface:
Well, I'm trying. I just can't seem to find the f***ing gas tank!

Pickles the Drummer:
[breaking character] That's 'cause it's a stool, Murderface!

Heckler:
Hey, idiot! Don't negate the premise! [the audience laughs]

Pickles the Drummer:
[back in character and visibly nervous] It's on - on your - it's over - there - wherever... please hurry. I would like to leave this horrible place.

William Murderface:
[fed up with the act] Eh, I should check the oil. I gotta go get my tools. You know what? I'm gonna leave. This sucks. [he walks offstage] Good luck dyin' out there.

Pickles the Drummer:
[desparately trying to keep the act together] Are you leaving?

William Murderface:
[from offstage] Yes, I'm leaving!

Heckler:
Hey, ugly! What are ya just sittin' there for? Make us laugh! [the audience's "boos," heckling, and chants of "Get off the stage!" blend into each other; Pickles is sweating and frozen with fear. He finally falls off his stool, tangled up in his mic cord. He starts hyperventilating]

Pickles the Drummer:
[whispering] Help me! Help...

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[the band is drinking heavily after their disastrous comedy routine] The best metal band of all time, and we gets boos off the stage! Pfft.

William Murderface:
Eh, they just didn't get us. Whatever.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
They'll laugh at the dildo who is onstage before us?

Toki Wartooth:
That guy was amazing! Are you kidding me?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
He is horribles, Toki! He just made the reference. "Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.

Toki Wartooth:
But *you* laugh.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I did.

William Murderface:
Yeah, he was pretty good.

Nathan Explosion:
[sick of the bickering] HE WAS GREAT!

Toki Wartooth:
Eh, maybe we do better tomorrow.

Pickles the Drummer:
[completely wasted on booze] Are you kiddin' me? I DIED up there! It was brutal! And I ain't never goin' back up there again, 'cause I ain't funny... and neither are any of you. I'm dark and brutal and filled with hatred. I ain't got no sense of humor. You wanna do comedy? Do it without me. I'm leaving. [he walks out]

Lorkey the Sailor:
'Tain't no difference, if ye ask me.

Toki Wartooth:
But that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all...

Lorkey the Sailor:
Comedy is about expressing your hate! The more hate you have, the funnier those rusty dildoes sittin' at them tables'll think you are!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
But I bomb, and I hates everyt'ing.

Lorkey the Sailor:
Aye! But do ye hate yourself?

Toki Wartooth:
Hate... myself?

Lorkey the Sailor:
Ah, yes, 'specially now, eh? Bombing onstage, and Mr. Tangerine Pigtails went running away! 'Twill take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.

Toki Wartooth:
[suddenly realizing Lorkey's point] I hate myself!

Lorkey the Sailor:
Yeah, now yer gettin' it! And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred, you can unleash it into the world! And once you embrace your hate, you will murder them! And you will kill. YOU WILL KILL!

Nathan Explosion:
[backstage before the big comedy show] All right, everyone do a crappy job. Remember to hate yourselves.

Toki Wartooth, William Murderface:
Oh, yeah!

Pickles the Drummer:
Well, I *really* hate myself.

Toki Wartooth:
Pickle! You back! We think you leave for good!

Pickles the Drummer:
Bombing onstage really screwed me up. I can't even play my douchebag drums no more 'cause of stupid comedy.

Lorkey the Sailor:
Ah, you know there's only one way to fix that. You gotta get back up there.

Pickles the Drummer:
But I can't do...

Lorkey the Sailor:
But what?

Pickles the Drummer:
[fearfully] The audience!

Lorkey the Sailor:
Aye... the audience. Now gather 'round, all y'all. I've been talkin' a lot about hatred. But there's something bigger out there. Something you should hate even more than anything. And that's the audience! [Pickles smiles]

Nathan Explosion:
[from offstage] And now, please welcome to the stage... PICKLLLLLLLLESSSS!

Pickles the Drummer:
[seemingly scared witless] So... anysways... I just got back from vacation. And, uh... I went to the beach... for vacation. And you know what I got at the beach? [he reaches into his back pocket] Sand! [he throws a handful of sand into the eyes of the heckler who booed him offstage at the small comedy club]

Heckler:
Aaaahhh! My eyes! I can't see! [the audience roars with laughter]

Pickles the Drummer:
Okay. All right, so I donated blood the other day. Not mine. [the audience laughs again] You guys wanna see me donate some blood to *you*? Huh? Do ya? Okay! [he reaches under the stage curtain, pulls out a fire hose, and blasts the audience with a stream of blood] Woo-hoo! Wa-hoo-hoo!

Heckler:
Ahhh! [the heckler gets blasted out of his seat]

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah! Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Woo, yeah!

Lorkey the Sailor:
[Lorkey is watching from backstage] Eh, can't teach 'em no more. [he pulls out a pistol and shoots himself in the head]

Pickles the Drummer:
Woo, yeah! [he brings out a hunting rifle and starts shooting wildly over the heads of the audience] Yeah! [he stops and aims the rifle at the front row] Uh-oh! I thought this was the NRA! [the audience laughs and applauds] Any of you dildoes wanna fight? Huh? [he sees the old woman who heckled him at the small comedy club] What about you, grandma? Huh? [she looks terrified] Aw... I'm just messin' with ya!

Toki Wartooth:
How about we compromise?

Nathan Explosion:
We'll give you half... of nothing!

Pickles:
Wow, you are a dick!

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah, you got it down to a science.

William Murderface:
You notice how I'm not mad, he gets mad. That's being a dick.

News Reporter:
Well, it's been a rough time for Dethklok with a full blown guitar war waging behind the scenes. All this while, the world waits to hear what Toki Wartooth can really do on guitar. I guess we'll find out at the Toki Wartooth recital, scheduled this week. In a press release written by Nathan, Pickles, and William Murderface, it was stated that Skwisgaar Skwigelf is a Swedish dildo-licker, and that Toki has grown into a true guitar master, and that he [Skwigaar] is a lady on his period.

William Murderface:
Uh, Skwisgaar, that , uh... Toki getting really good thing? All a lie. See ya.

William Murderface:
Stop! I'm sorry; sorry about being a dick, but sometimes it's hard to suppress the urge of ruining other peoples' lives!

Toki Wartooth:
What you means we can'ts do Secret Santas!

Nathan Explosion:
Toki, how many times do we have to go over this?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
We don'ts thinks it's metals to be's nice to each others!

Toki Wartooth:
But I f***ing do!

Pickles:
Toki, why don't you just f***ing drop it? You're just driving us f***ing crazy.

Toki Wartooth:
I's listenings to yous no more! I'ms goings shoppings! Yes, shoppings! To buys each and every ones of yous a gift! And I wants to see the looks on all your fat f***ing faces when I gives you great presents! Ha ha! F***s you! [Storms out and slams the door]

Nathan Explosion:
...I don't believe I've ever been spoken to like that before.

Toki Wartooth:
[Entering the bathroom] Dr. Rockso?

Dr. Rockso:
[Going through withdrawals beside a full bath tub] Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!

Toki Wartooth:
For the records Dr. Rockso, I cant's gets you drugs, thats would be enables you. But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.

Dr. Rockso:
[Sobbing and hugging Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby. [Shoves Toki's head under the water] Now you get me those f***ing drugs! I'll f***ing kill you! You hear me! I'll f***- [Faints into the water]

Toki Wartooth:
[Entering the bathroom] Dr. Rockso?

Dr. Rockso:
[Going through withdrawals beside a full bath tub] Dr. Rockso not feelin' so good... oh, give me some Christmas spirit in here!

Toki Wartooth:
For the records Dr. Rockso, I cants gets you drugs, thats would be enables you. But I loves you, even though you ams powerless.

Dr. Rockso:
[Sobbing and hugging Toki] R-R-Rockso l-loves you too, baby. [Shoves Toki's head under the water] Now you get me those f***ing drugs! I'll f***ing kill you! You hear me! I'll f***- [Faints into the water]

Video Host:
That's OK, blood makes the grass grow.

Video Host:
...Wonder what he was thinking? Well, look at his brain; maybe that'll tell you.

Video Host:
Where's Glenda? Late again? She better drive extra-fast... Oh no - her tits are on Oakdale St. and her brains are on Willow Drive... that's two blocks away; long way for tits to be away from brains.

William Murderface:
We're better than Meatloaf!

Nathan Explosion:
I need a hundred beers. Exactly... Exactly one hundred, thank you.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
There's only two things to do in a power outage: get drunk... [rolls eyes upward, thinking]... one thing.

Nathan Explosion:
Huh. I can't believe we summoned a troll. Why didn't we think of this earlier?

Toki Wartooth:
Oh, high school would've been awesome with a big pal, like him! He could'a carry me to school!

Nathan Explosion:
I know!

[first lines]

Nathan Explosion:
[into a recorder] Idea for song: 'Mur-' 'Murder'. A guy- a guy gets murdered. And eaten. At an all... you can eat buffet.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Last time I was in Finland...

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Last time I was in Finland, I must have, you know, luckied about, hmm, 500 girls.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh, and that happens forever. Yeah.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Ballspark estimate. Whatever.

Toki Wartooth:
Not like it's so hard. You're in the biggest band in the world.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Women have, uh...

Toki Wartooth:
He brags about eating lollipops, he works in lollipops factory.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Women have. uh, felt the attraction to me. Hmm, you have to deal with it.

Toki Wartooth:
Oh, I'm dealing with it. Believe me. I'm holding back gallons of throw-up as we speak.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Don't do me any favors; throw up on yourself.

Toki Wartooth:
This is heavy. It hurts my face. Boy, I really hates it.

Nathan Explosion:
Use the Dethphones! Throw them at that guy!

Nathan Explosion:
We have a tough choice. Playing acoustic is totally lame and not metal. But then again, if we don't put that troll back to sleep, we may never be able to check our e-mail with high-speed DSL again!

Nathan Explosion:
[the band is about to be eaten by Mustakrakish the lake troll; Nathan pulls out his digital recorder and speaks into it] Idea for last song - ever..."Killed by a Troll."

Nathan Explosion:
[the band watches Mustakrakish rip out its own innards while trying to dislodge Murderface's cell phone from its throat, showering them in blood. The troll finally roars and explodes, lighting the Finnish forests and mountains on fire] Metal.

Nathan Explosion:
[the band is in Finland, making an apology speech for almost destroying the country during a previous tour. Nathan is having some difficulties reading the speech] Finland... we are here to... uhhh... apologize... for alleged... happenings... during... *during*... DUR-ING... uhhhh... [he leans away from the mic]... reading, reader, huh... hey, what the hell is this?

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
You're, uh, trying to read the speech to people.

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah, wait, hold on. [he tosses the speech away] You know what? I pass. [he takes out a beer, cracks it open, takes a swig, and walks away]

William Murderface:
[Murderface steps up to the podium] Wrote my own speech. Hey f - [he is cut off by his cell phone ringing loudly; he puts his paper down and answers the call] Y'ello? Aw, what's happenin'? Uh-huh. [the audience stares at him but he is oblivious] Well, what did he say? What did *you* say? You did not! [Pickles sighs resignedly] I know. I *know*. Figure wh...

Pickles the Drummer:
[Pickles pushes Murderface out of the way] Friends, we're... we're not used to the whole apologizing thing. [he chuckles] We're not professional apologizers! We're *musicians*. [he mimes playing a guitar] So... we wrote a song for you! A new national anthem. We took the lyrics straight from your Finnish Folklore Book of Necronomic Spells! [the audience is shocked]

Nathan Explosion:
[Nathan pushes Pickles out of the way] You may recognize this one, though it hasn't been sung for a few thousand years! "Awaken, awaken, Mustakrakish, the lake troll!"

Nathan Explosion:
Night-time minutes start at 11 pm? Oh that's brutal.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
[when Toki complains about the Dethphones] Well, it's, uh, your design. You may have been drunk, but you made a very convincing case to me, so.

Nathan Explosion:
All right, you know we get really, *really* excited about really bad ideas when we drink. And it's your job to talk us out of it, right?

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Oh, I tried. I tried very hard, but you all threatened to kill me, if you don't remember.

Pickles the Drummer:
So? Big deal, Those threats aren't new.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Hmm? Noted.

Nathan Explosion:
You know we get really, really excited about really bad ideas when we drink. And it's your job to talk us out of it.

William Murderface:
[looking at acoustic instruments] What are those wood things? Chairs?

William Murderface:
What are those wood things? Chairs?

Barkeep:
They are acoustic instruments.

Toki Wartooth:
What is "acoustic"? Oh, you mean a grandpa's guitars?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
A grandpa's guitars. That's for pussies. And grandpas. Ugh. I think you know it.

Nathan Explosion:
Wait, Toki, why'd you stop playing?

Toki Wartooth:
I... have a confessions to make: I can'ts reads music.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Dudes, Toki can't read music. Ha! It's a laugh.

Toki Wartooth:
Can you?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
...No. I has music dyslexs-kia. You know that. I... don't wish to talk about it.

Nathan Explosion:
[talking into Dictaphone as troll bellows] Idea for our last song ever... killed by a troll...

Senator Stampingston:
Dethklok has summoned a troll.

General Crozier:
That's impossible, there's no such thing as trolls.

Senator Stampingston:
Then how do you explain the dead unicorns?

Nathan Explosion:
Wait. Then how ar- how are you playing that song?

Toki Wartooth:
Honestly, I was just hitting any note.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah. Me, too. That's an old musics school trick.

Nathan Explosion:
Sounded pretty good.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah, I know. It sounds pretty good. I think we got lucky.

William Murderface:
[Nathan keeps deleting albums, destroying the world's economy] Well maybe it would be better if I just KILLED MYSELF! Huh? Why don't you just record that? Would that be BRUTAL enough for you? Me being DEAD?

Nathan Explosion:
[the band is reviewing the mix for its new album. Nathan stops the music to think] Huh. [he cracks his knuckles]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[resignedly] Here we go again.

Pickles the Drummer:
[Nathan's finger hovers over the "delete" button] Okay, wait. Before we do anything drastic, let's put this all in perspective, Nathan, okay? Look. [he stomps on a pedal, bringing down a video screen]

Reporter #1:
Dethklok has spent a reported 500 million in the recording studio so far ...

Reporter #2:
[Pickles stomps on another pedal] - fan suicide rate is up, due to the album's late release - [a fan shoots himself in front of the camera]

Reporter #3:
[Pickles stomps on another pedal] - sources have corroborated that the band has recorded SIXTEEN individual albums, all deleted ...

Reporter #4:
[Pickles stomps on the last pedal] - sources say the Dow Jones decline is directly related to Dethklok frontman Nathan Explosion's constantly deleting a potential new album ...

Pickles the Drummer:
[Nathan moves his finger back to the "delete" button as his bandmates urge him not to push it] No, no, no, no, no, don't, no - [Nathan pushes the button and deletes the album] No! [everyone groans] Mmmm! Mother-douchebags! Did it again.

Toki Wartooth:
Aw, dudes, what's wrong with that one?

Pickles the Drummer:
Let me guess: not "heavy" enough? Not "tuned low" enough? Not "BRUTAL" enough?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Dudes, we can'ts not tone it down any lower.

William Murderface:
Well, maybe it'd be better if I just killed myself, huh? Why don't you record that, huh? Would that be BRUTAL enough for ya, me being dead?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Somebody should tells Murderface that it's not always - always about him.

Pickles the Drummer:
So what? Now we're all the way back to square effin' one?

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah, that's right. But here's what we're gonna do: we're gonna re-re-re-record it... right there. [he points to a spot on the globe in the middle of the ocean] Right there!

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
[after having his face almost peeled off by listening to "Mermaider"] Stop - the track! This is amazing! I mean, there must be *billions* of fish out there! It's a totally untapped market. And so many hits, too!

Nathan Explosion:
"Electric Eel Chair."

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
Yeah!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
"Scaled and Gutted and Undercooked."

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
*Yeah*!

William Murderface:
"Scuba Tank Filled With Farts."

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
YEAH! You boys knocked it completely outta the park.

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
[aside] I am back on top!

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
[to the band] I'm goin' straight to the label!

General Krosier:
All right. Let's - whoa!

[he sees Knubbler's bleeding eyes]

General Krosier:
Dear God, Knubbler, your face! What've they done to you?

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
It's called "metal," General.

General Krosier:
Well, we need to know exactly what they've been up to.

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
"What've they been up to?" They been up to kickin' ass and takin' names!

General Krosier:
Knubbler!

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
Put that in your port, General Krosier!

General Krosier:
What the hell is going on down there?

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
Dethklok is AMAZING! The album is gonna rock so hard!

General Krosier:
KNUBBLER!

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
The drums ROCK! The bass ROCKS! And the guitar - ohhh, the guitar ROCKS! Check it out! CHECK IT OUT!

[he turns the music on full blast]

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Okay, so you want to re-re-re-record in the ocean. In. I see. No, problem, sure. I...

Nathan Explosion:
No, no, not IN the ocean. INSIDE the ocean.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Okay...

Nathan Explosion:
In the heaviest, deepest, most brutal part.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
All right.

Nathan Explosion:
The Mariana Trennnnnnnch!

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Well, let me make some calls.

William Murderface:
Hey guys, nuclear submarine power's out.

William Murderface:
Well maybe it'd be better if I just kill myself, huh? Why don't ya just record that, huh? Would that be *brutal* enough for ya, me being dead?

Pickles the Drummer:
Mother douchebags!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Pfft! Oh great, probably some dick-nosed record producer, comes to try to tell us how to makes metal. Don't knows snakes from d*ldos about that. Get in line.

Pickles the Drummer:
Ok, calm down, remember, we gotta be professional, ok? Unless he pushes us. In which case I swear to god I will effin' knife him in the...

Nathan Explosion:
This is metal... for fish.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Fish don't gots no good music to listen to.

William Murderface:
Yeah, it's true.

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
My body's having a little trouble adjusting to the oceanic pressure down here, I'm sure I'll feel better once I've had some pop rocks and Coke.

[Drinks, nose starts bleeding]

Nathan Explosion:
[Murderface is eating a giant bucket of beans] Maybe take it easy on those beans, Murderface?

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah I know man, have a little decency. I mean, we're stuck together in a freakin' submarine for Christ's sake.

William Murderface:
Murderface: [Spills beans everywhere] Fine, how 'bout I starve to death, how's that? [farts] Aw, excuse me. These boots are killing my feet! [takes off his boots, farts] These feet stink. [vomits]

Nathan Explosion:
Now shut up and listen to this, dick. This is metal... for fish.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Fish don't gots no good metal to listens to.

William Murderface:
Yeah... it's true.

Dick "Magic Ears" Knubbler:
Fish, huh?

Nathan Explosion:
This one's called "Mermaider."

William Murderface:
It's about mermaid murder.

Nathan Explosion:
Toki! Why did you spend our vacation money?

Toki Wartooth:
Guys looks, don't worries. All we gots to do is sells a bunch of tickets, make sure Dr. Rockso performs, and thens we makes some money backs, and thens we goes on vacations, easy!

Nathan Explosion:
You think this is the first time that group of f***ing clowns has tried to reunite?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
What's you means?

Nathan Explosion:
There was that one time they almost reunited, but Rockso drank a whole bunch of acid right before he went onstage and just spent the whole night spraying some lady with huge tits in the front row with a big spraying thing, and they didn't even play one song. CANCELLED! Then there was that one time they were supposed to reunite, but Rockso, the night before, smuggled like twenty condoms worth of cocaine into his intestines. Then he ate some super-spicy Mexican food and the condoms melted and O.D.'d and he couldn't perform. CANCELLED! Then there was that one time they were about to reunite and like Rockso borrowed $20 million from the Ecuadorian drug cartel and they were like, "Give us our money back," and he's like, "No, we're not gonna give you your money back," and they're like, "Well, we're gonna shoot," and he's like, "Well, fine, shoot me" and they shot him. And now he pees out of the side of his dick. And uh... they cancelled the show. So, that's what I heard.

Nathan Explosion:
Hey goofball, look who's all neutered! You are! Yeah you're neutered, huh goofball, yeah! Who's a neutered guy?

Toki Wartooth:
I guess I feel a sense of pride, knowing I helped raise him. Here's a bucket a of hank burgers, big gulps and crap you fat tits!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Try not to choke you fat tub of sh*t. We loves you!

Nathan Explosion:
Release... THE KITTIES!

Nathan Explosion:
My god these things are amazing, check it out. I'm an eye docter.

[Points laser at Murderface]

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Can you please give me the laser pointer? It does not belong to you.

Nathan Explosion:
Hey wait your turn.

William Murderface:
Hey point that into my eyes again.

[gets lasered]

William Murderface:
Ahh yes, awesome!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Point the laser beams at my too eye.

[gets lasered]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Uhhhh. Cool!

Pickles the Drummer:
Dude check it out if you press really hard on your eyes it's also awesome dude!

William Murderface:
[Rubs eyes] Aww, awesome!

Toki Wartooth:
Yes but checks this out. I can force all the bloods to my face and gives myself a real cool blowj*b!

[strains, nose bleeds]

Toki Wartooth:
Dat's what I'm talking about!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
He means nosebleed, not blowj*b. Idiot.

Nathan Explosion:
I think I know, what you, are all trying to say... we need, a space helicopter.

Pickles the Drummer:
That's impossible.

Toki Wartooth:
[the band has decided to do something about Nathan's insane girlfriend. They are standing over his bed, watching him sleep] You bastard. [he raises a baseball bat] Why you makes me do this?

Nathan Explosion:
[wakes up] Wha - [Toki clocks him over the head, and he blacks outs]

Nathan Explosion:
[later; Nathan is tied to a chair in a dark room, lit by a single bare lightbulb. Someone throws water over him to wake him up] Whoa! What the hell are you guys doing? I can't move! [Pickles slaps him across the face]

Pickles the Drummer:
[taking a drag from a joint and exhaling] Yeah... funny thing about bein' tied down... [he flicks the joint at Nathan's face; Nathan shouts in pain]... it's hard to keep your defenses up.

Nathan Explosion:
[Toki walks up and punches Nathan in the stomach; he groans] Why... are... you doing this?

William Murderface:
[rubbing a meat cleaver and a long knife together] You've been blinded by a manipulative cow. And we're here to save you. Taser him.

Nathan Explosion:
[Toki shoots Nathan with a taser] [in agony] Whooooaaaaaa! Whoooooaaa! Stop! Stop! Whoa! Whoa! Whoooooaaaa!

Pickles the Drummer:
Stop. [Toki stops] Take five on the juice, Toki. [Toki briefly shocks Nathan again]

Nathan Explosion:
[in pain] Whoa!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[standing behind Nathan's chair] Your attitude... is unacceptable. With... wha... er... why do you like that lady?

Pickles the Drummer:
Every time we see you with her, you look like a beaten dog. [he throws his head back and howls]

Nathan Explosion:
Fine! You want the truth? I hate that lady.

William Murderface:
You hate her? And yet you are with her? Why?

Nathan Explosion:
I don't know!

William Murderface:
Toki. [Toki tasers Nathan again]

Nathan Explosion:
[in pain] Whoa! [Toki stops] It's the most brutal thing ever! It's not like regular hate! It's so much... more black! If she were a street gang, I'd f***in' go to war with her with bottles and chains! But this is different! There's nothing I can do!

Pickles the Drummer:
[Pickles punches Nathan repeatedly in the stomach] There's nothin' you can do? There's nothin' you can do? [he punches Nathan in the mouth]

Nathan Explosion:
I could possibly break up with her, but dear God, man, you don't know what she's like! What if she won't let me? [Toki c*cks a crossbow and aims it at Nathan's crotch] You're right! You're right, oh, God, you're right! I'm sorry! [he starts sobbing] I'm sorry! [he is blubbering now as Murderface cuts his bonds] I'm sorry... [he gets up, and Pickles embraces him]

Nathan Explosion:
I'm totally freaking out!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Um, Nathans? What do yous do, before you're nervous, at de show?

William Murderface:
You know what you do.

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah, what'da you, what'da you do? [shakes a bottle of liquor in front of Nathan] What's Nathan do?

William Murderface:
Just have a little drink!

Nathan Explosion:
That's it, I just have a little drink! [takes a huge swig]

Nathan Explosion:
[At his GED test] I'm here to uhh, take the GBD.

William Murderface:
So if a guy hits a home run, but he's fat, it's not a home run!

William Murderface:
It has to be perfect!

Advisor:
[In the elevator] So uhh, where are you guys from?

Edgar Jomfru:
Sandusky, Ohio.

Advisor:
Oh. There's an amusement park there right?

Edgar Jomfru:
Yes there is an amusement park.

Advisor:
Well that's always fun.

Toki Wartooth:
Okay, my face is stuck to the wall...

Reporter:
It's being called "The Ticket of the Century." Mordhaus, the breathtaking home of Dethklok, will be open to the public for the first time in celebration of this year's International Dethfan Day. Several banks have closed because customers are trying to withdraw all of their life savings in an attempt to purchase one of these coveted tickets. An official statement from Dethklok calls this "a psychotic day of insane celebration for regular jackoffs."

Nathan Explosion:
[hungover] Why do I drink so much before stupid Fan Day?

William Murderface:
[also hungover] I believe you drink *because* it's Fan Day.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh, I don't w - don't talk to me about that. Wait, where's Skwisgaar?

Toki Wartooth:
Oh, I don't think he's gonna be here for awhile. [he chuckles] He had a... very big night with a... very *huge* fan.

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah, we were all up late.

Toki Wartooth:
Not me. I actually gots good rest.

Pickles the Drummer:
[also hungover] Can you please... just be quiet for a second?

Toki Wartooth:
Oh, what's wrong, Pickle? You just need to eat something. Your name is Pickle... maybe you should try pickle-herring sandwich, famous from Oslo! [he puts the sandwich on Pickles' plate]

Fan:
[Pickles gags, runs for the door, and throws it open, only to be confronted by a mob of fans] OH YEAH, PICKLES!

Pickles the Drummer:
[Pickles slams the door in their faces] God! Everywhere I go, there's fans everywhere! Can't I just throw up in my own house? [he grabs his stomach] Urgh!

William Murderface:
Oh, God! So what are you, bulimia?

Nathan Explosion:
Oh, great. Now you're gonna start a whole chain reaction puke... th... a-thon.

Toki Wartooth:
[Pickles gags and his cheeks bulge. Murderface, Toki, and Nathan follow suit. They all vomit their food back up, except Nathan, who glances around, then pukes blood everywhere] Oh, blood puke! Good song title! Someone write that - oh, wait, we already wrote that. Good song, though.

Nathan Explosion:
Ohh... urgh... I think I need another liver transplant.

Face Bones:
[the fans are watching Nathan's liver replacement surgery] In order to keep Nathan Explosion healthy, and because of the tremendous drinking it takes all of you Dethklok fans out there, Nathan must undergo a series of liver transplants!

Doctor:
Now, have you eaten anything this morning?

Nathan Explosion:
[pause] Nope.

Doctor:
Are you sure?

Nathan Explosion:
Uh, yeah. I mean, no.

Doctor:
Okay. Anesthesia, please. [Nathan inhales, then vomits blood inside the oxygen mask]

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
There you are. I've been trying to get in touch with you all day.

Pickles the Drummer:
Cinnamon buns!

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
You know today's our big Employee Evaluation Conference Conference and Raffle.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Ha! Thats a funny one. Who cares about that?

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Well, perhaps you should care because it has come to our attention that one of our employees is a major embezzler.

Nathan Explosion:
Awesome! Right?

Toki Wartooth:
"Ambuzzle?" What means that?

Pickles the Drummer:
Ah, well, it's a super-awesome way of saying, "Take havin' somethin'."

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Hey guys, I haves a good use of the words "unsbuzzle." "My lungs unsbuzzle the air from the earth, as I can breathe... it. Period."

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Well, I don't see the humor in any of it.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Oh, lighten up, Mr. Dooms-and-Gloom, "embezzle" is metal.

Pickles the Drummer:
Well, who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Well, he's embezzling from you.

Nathan Explosion:
NOOOOO!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[passing over a dead employee in the hall] Look at this ones, asleeps in some bloods. We gots to get tougher on these guys maybe, huh?

[another employee gets shot and falls to the ground, decapitated]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Oh! See what I'm talking about? Another guy, this guys sleeps in bloods too.

Nathan Explosion:
Yea, well, all I can think about is the raffle. Can we win it?

Pickles the Drummer:
Well, dude, I f***ing hope so. Its the only reason my ass is going there.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh yea, and there is gonna be an awesome motivational speaker. Oh my god, I love being motivated. I love being motivated!

Toki Wartooth:
Me too!

Nathan Explosion:
I LOVE BEING MOTIVATED!

Facebones:
Welcome to the Dethklok employee forum. Where were going to learn to "Use your motivation"! Were going to learn to be considerate at the workplace.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I have to works with you everyday, so please, would you please take it easy on the cologne?

William Murderface:
While that hurts my feelings, I understand.

Nathan Explosion:
When you see a piece of trash on the ground, don't just stand there. Pick it up!

Pickles the Drummer:
Yea! And dont leave your lunch lying around either, it attracts ants.

Facebones:
And most importantly, remember. Death is an everyday part of the workplace. So when you see a dead body, dont freak out.

Toki Wartooth:
Wow-wee!

Facebones:
Just, ring your death bell!

Toki Wartooth:
[rings death bell]

Toki Wartooth:
Whoo-wee, I am such one tired guy. How come shopping's so stupid? Whats I have now? All this stuff. What I do?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah, you know what, uh, just throw everything away. That's what I do.

Toki Wartooth:
Now I t'rows it away.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Just going to die anyway.

Toki Wartooth:
Guess it's full circle.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Goodbye.

Toki Wartooth:
Okay.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Burn it.

Pickles the Drummer:
Okay, so, uh, #421, you, uh, you are part of the Sector 18 recording studio maintenance clean team. Okay. Uh, que - couple questions. [he looks at his paper and reads with difficulty] "How do you value your what you contribute of to at the workforce?" Uh, second part: "At which do you most can't the least?" Skwisgaar?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Huh?

Pickles the Drummer:
Did you write these questions?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah, I did.

Pickles the Drummer:
Okay, well... 421, do you have an answer?

Employee #421:
I am a highly skilled microphone cleaner, my masters. And what I most can't the least would be do not a bad job, but always a good.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Okay, good answer.

Pickles the Drummer:
Well, that's all I got. Uh, guys?

Nathan Explosion:
No, I got one more question. And answer honestly. [pause] Are you the guy who's embezzling from us?

Employee #421:
No.

Nathan Explosion:
[pause] Okay. I believe you.

Pickles the Drummer:
Whoo! Well, you are all set, 421. Thanks for doin' a great job and ...

William Murderface:
Hold on, hold everything!

Pickles the Drummer:
Di ...

William Murderface:
I just wanna say a little something... personal. How is, uh, the, er... [he picks up his paper and looks at it]... little Amanda and Scott, your children? [421 shrugs] Things are still rough with the divorce, huh? That, uh, that's tough. Are you still talkin' to Rachel? Yeah, well, hey, happy almost birthday! [he chuckles] Two weeks, huh? Hey, get outta here, you're done! [421 gets up and leaves]

Nathan Explosion:
We are really, *really* good bosses.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah, I know. We cares about all of thems. It's like a plantations, but the slaves is our friends.

Toki Wartooth:
[irritated] I would like to ask questions next time.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Are you asking us to do that, Toki?

Toki Wartooth:
Yeah, I don't know.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
That's interesting. You said, "I would likes to ask a question." That's a statements.

Toki Wartooth:
What... is... the difference?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
That's... a great question.

William Murderface:
Could you do me a favor? Could you have a great day? Could you do that for me? Thanks.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah, that's good codpiece.

William Murderface:
Yeah it's no big deal, it's just totally diamond encrusted with a titanium base.

Toki Wartooth:
Oh whats a coincidence. I gots myself a real cool codpiece too!

William Murderface:
Uh, that's a dildo. A strap-on dildo.

Toki Wartooth:
Ah screw you all offs! My codpiece is the coolest!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Oh lighten up Mr. dooms and glooms, embezzle is metal.

Pickles the Drummer:
Well who's the guy embezzling from, you know, anyway?

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Well, he's embezzling from you.

Nathan Explosion:
Nooooooooo!

Pickles:
Hey, do we have any songs with the word 'destiny' in it?

Nathan Explosion:
Uh, I dunno... I guess I could throw it in there. I mean, people can't hear what I'm saying anyway.

Toki Wartooth:
[Toki is laying down his guitar tracks in the studio; Nathan interrupts him] Do it again, Toki! Take 164.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[Toki tries the same track and pops a string; there is a brief pause] Just let me record it. Each take is worse, he's slowly learning how to un-play the guitar.

Toki Wartooth:
I can hear dat, the talk-back mike is on.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Pickle, please let me know when the talk-back mike is on so that Mr. Sensitives don'ts goes to cries-babies house for vacation.

Toki Wartooth:
I can still hear you.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf, Toki Wartooth:
So what do you want? A "Be-Able-To-Hear-Things" award?

Toki Wartooth:
Eh not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award, to be honest.

Toki Wartooth:
[after being insulted by Skwisgaar] I can still hear you.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
So what do you want? A "Be-Able-To-Hear-Things" award?

Toki Wartooth:
Eh not really. Doesn't sound like a greats award to be honest.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Is this the way you normally record?

Nathan Explosion:
Well, yeah.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
What, you just push little Toki around?

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah. He lets us.

William Murderface:
Yeah, he likes it!

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah. Well, I mean, what's, I - what's wrong with that?

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Are you kidding me? Do have any idea what that's doing to his little ego? Listen. We're gonna do an exercise, an exercise in changing band dynamics.

[Toki stands in front of Nathan's mic and puts on a pair of headphones]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[sotto voce to Pickles] This idea is dildoes.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Toki, you are now the lead singer of the band.

Toki Wartooth:
No, thanks.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
You know, your creative voice is not appreciated, and we are going to change that.

Toki Wartooth:
Honestly, I don't wants no creative voice. It's cool.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Are you kidding me? You are now the lead singer! Go! Make up some lyrics! One, two, three, go!

[Toki sings off-key and out of tempo as the band angrily looks on and Twinkletits claps]

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[Rolling back and forth in his office chair. Murderface's eyes follow his movement] Your band is in trouble. You're on the verge of destroying *each other*! You're a bunch of jungle monkeys! You're hurtin' each other's feelings! And why? Why? At the end of the day, what's - what's so great about that? 'Cause you know what that tells me? "I ain't okay with myself. I'm not okay with this guy over here." It literally makes me ill, to see people do that - you're a family! You are! You know that? Hey, then if you don't want that, Jack, there's the door. Take a walk, take a hike. I *know* what I'm talkin' about, 'cause I was in a band once.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Well, I bet you guys totally sucked. The worst band ever of all...

[Twinkletits backhands him across the face]

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[suddenly livid] I'm in charge of you now, ya ugly idiots. I'm here to help you! And you *need* help. Why? Because you're weak. You're terrified. And you're outta control. One small move and you could lose everything. *Everything*! Is that what you want?

[the band is dumbstruck; Twinkletits returns to normal]

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[Suddenly cheerful] Good. Then let's begin, shall we?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[holding his jaw] You slapped at my face.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[singsong voice] No, I didn't.

Nathan Explosion:
You should know that we don't really let anybody in here.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Relax, Tonto, don't get all neurotic on me! Jeez! I'm just going to observe you all. Now I want you all to be yourselves. Act like I'm not here. Go!

Pickles the Drummer:
Don't worry, I been tryin' to do that since you got here.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Then it shouldn't be a problem, then, should it, *smartass*?

[he raises his hand to slap Pickles]

Pickles the Drummer:
Dude, no hitting.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[after Murderface smashes a guitar in a rage] What happened back there?

William Murderface:
I don't care.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Hey, I've got an idea. [he takes off his glasses] Let's "rock talk."

William Murderface:
No.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Come on. Don't you wanna get in touch with, you know, your - your inner dude?

William Murderface:
No, thanks. I hate that guy.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Now we're gettin' somewhere. Let's "rock talk" about that.

William Murderface:
I don't wanna.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Hm. What a shame. You know, I... guess I'll just have to, you know... [he gets up and shakes his banana sticker container]... hold on to all these banana stickers. I've got, like a million...

William Murderface:
Okay, I'll "rock talk."

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[condescendingly] Good! I want you to tell me about young Murderface. Tell me a nice story about when - [he chuckles] - when Murderface was a little tiny boy.

William Murderface:
Well, okay. Here goes.

Murderface's Father:
[flashback to Murderface's childhood. Murderface is an infant in a high chair, giggling and cooing over his food. Baby music plays in the background, but suddenly changes to horror-movie music as Murderface's father runs across the screen, toting a chainsaw] How could I have ever married you? [Murderface's mother starts shrieking as the chainsaw revs] I kill you! [Murderface's mother lets out a bloodcurdling scream] Here goes! [Murderface's father runs back across the screen, soaked in blood] And now I kill myself! First my left leg! [the chainsaw revs] Good! Now the right! [the chainsaw revs] Now the arm! [the chainsaw revs] Now my face! [the chainsaw revs one more time] Aaaaagggghhhh!

William Murderface:
[return to present. Murderface looks at Twinkletits as he wets himself. Twinkletits hands him a banana sticker] Yeah, that was good "rock talk."

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[upbeat] All right, we got a lotta work to do today, because... we're going on tour!

Nathan Explosion:
Hey! We been thinkin'. Not very hard, but... you're fired. Yeah. We hate you.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[scoffs in disbelief] I'm sorry... what?

William Murderface:
Hey, it's not that bad. You know, I pride myself on being able to pit people against each other, but you're amazing. You're a real dick, and I appreciate that. But we never wanna see you again, you ugly idiot dick!

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Hold on for a second. I am your therapist!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Hey, I ain't no therapist, but I hate your moustache.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Don't you want... a banana sticker?

[indicates his sticker container/belt buckle]

Nathan Explosion:
We won't be needing your banana stickers!

[Murderface pushes a chest towards Nathan, who kicks it open, revealing a multitude of banana stickers]

Nathan Explosion:
We have found out that you can just, you know, buy psychological validation, so...

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
You sons of b*tches. How dare you, I *am* the band! You can't kick me out! I'll kick *you* out! You're all fired, you bunch of stupid pussies! I'LL KILL YOU!

[he raises his pen like a knife and rushes at the band, but he slips on a banana sticker and flies through a window]

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
Waaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[he hits the ground, unhurt] I'm still alive! I'm still...

[he catches sight of the snarling yard wolves and screams in terror]

Toki Wartooth:
[the band is watching the yard wolves devour Twinkletits] Look. The wol-ev-es eat him.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yes, Toki. And his body will nourish the wolves.

Toki Wartooth:
I believe the cycle of learning... is complete.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Indeeds. Alls of us should learns a lesson.

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah. And what lesson might that be?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[short pause] I has no idea. But it's pretty metal that he's being eaten. Look at that right there.

Nathan Explosion:
[filming the scene with a video camera] I loved him. I... can say that now.

William Murderface:
Now that he's dead... [starting to choke up]... it's much easier to say... [he sniffles]... emotional things about him.

Pickles the Drummer:
Gosh. Maybe this is weird to say, but... am I the only one who's being made to feel hungry by watching... this?

Nathan Explosion:
[pause] Let's eat. [the eyes of every band member suddenly glow red]

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Hey I ain't no therapist, but I hate your mustache.

Dr. Johnathan Twinkletits:
[on the phone] This is John Twinkletits, remember me? I was in the Amazlingtons with you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm in another band now, and we're called Dethklok, so no big whoop, no big whoop. Just give me a call back whenever you can, then again you probably can't because I KILLED YOU!

Nathan Explosion:
I just found out we can fire anybody we employ.

Pickles the Drummer:
Can we give ourselves a raise?

Nathan Explosion:
Yeah. No, I found that out too.

Pickles the Drummer:
Well then, you know, I give myself a raise right now.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I give myself a raise too.

Toki Wartooth:
I give myself a solid gold telephone!

William Murderface:
I give myself a bunch of boats, with a bunch of Vietnamese people on them, on fire.

Priest:
Pray now the prayer of revenge, from whom do you seek revenge?

Toki Wartooth:
I seek revenge on Rachael Ray and the Food Network. Can't you make her... eyes fall out or something?... tits fall off?

Priest:
Satan, grant this man to get the revenge against his foes at the Food Network.

Toki Wartooth:
Seriously?

Priest:
Yes.

Toki Wartooth:
S-Seriously?

Priest:
Yes.

Toki Wartooth:
Really?

Priest:
Yes.

Toki Wartooth:
That's cool.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[listening to Christian rock band] Whoa. There is no God. Just listen to his guitar.

Nathan Explosion:
So, where are we now?

Pickles the Drummer:
This is the church of the atheists. They don't, uh, believe in God.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh, like Toki and Skwisgaar?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
No, we are nihilists? We don't believe in anything.

Nathan Explosion:
But can't nihilists also... not... believe in god... too?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Well, I, uh... I don't know.

William Murderface:
[meditating] Mmmmmrrrreliiiii... giiionnnnnn... mmmmrrrreliiiigionnnnnn...

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Dis is dildoes. Doesn't he know there's no such things as religion?

Nathan Explosion:
You mean *you* don't believe in god. There *is* such thing as religion.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Den proves it! Shows me a... miracle that religion exists!

Nathan Explosion:
Well, [pointing] there's a bible right there.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Oh. Well... then I guess I re-evalutates my life then.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Are you telling me they are out of dragons?

Stage Hand:
They never HAD dragons

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Who didn't?

Stage Hand:
The world!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
GET this guy out of here! FIND me a dragon!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Okay, let me explains again, in prafectly clear English, I wants flies in on a dragons, okay? How many times I got to tells this peoples?

Stage Hand:
I know, there isn't a dragon.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I know that's what I'm telling you!

Stage Hand:
But that's what I'm telling you!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
So go get one! What are you doing here? Go, go get one now, go, go!

Stage Hand:
They don't have them!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Are you telling me they are out of dragons?

Stage Hand:
They never had dragons!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Who didn't?

Stage Hand:
The world!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
GET this guy out of here! FIND me a dragon!

Toki Wartooth:
Candy. It takes like chicken... if chicken was a candy.

Nathan Explosion:
Explosion Sauce. Good on its own.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Hello I'm fine, just... getting high.

William Murderface:
We've been talking Skwisgaar and, we think this whole production could be a lot more... zippy. It just, it needs zazz! Am I, I mean I'm right to say that right?

Nathan Explosion:
No, you're right to say that. It's just, you know, you could stand to zazz it a up a little bit more.

Pickles the Drummer:
No offense Skwisgaar but I gotta say this whole thing, it uh, it lacks zazz.

William Murderface:
You could just put it on the zazz train to zazz-ville.

Toki Wartooth:
Yeah because no offense there's absolutely no zazz to be found, not here anyway, not in these parts.

Nathan Explosion:
What we're trying to say is that there's two kinds of shows out there, those with and those without...

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Could you please stop saying zazz?

Nathan Explosion:
Zazz.

Pickles the Drummer:
Zazz.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Please stop saying zazz.

Pickles the Drummer:
Why don't you let us help you out?

William Murderface:
Yeah and lighten the load, make it more zaaa - ohh, you know.

Toki Wartooth:
Don't you remember being a little kids, when your teeths would fall out and grow back and you would get the old one under the pillow so the ancient Norse god Ortha the tooths collector would come and give you a Pickle's Nickel?

Toki Wartooth:
[Skwisgaar got his hand aquariums off] You're free! RUN AWAY SKWISGAAR!

Nathan Explosion:
Hello. Isn't this a nice surprise? Me being here at this incredibly zazzy event.

William Murderface:
A fantastic star-studded evening, of zazz!

Pickles the Drummer:
Got any room for any more zazz up here?

Toki Wartooth:
I think I have diabetes. I'm going to take a f***ing nap.

Toki Wartooth:
Ah, cool, you gots a new shipment of custom guitar!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yeah, this is uh, some designs I'm messing around with, uh, this one is, um, Swiss Army-tar. It's a good guitar for a camping trip, it's got toothpick.

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah, good tone. What's that one right there?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Uhh, is just an Antfarm-itar. But, still workings on it.

William Murderface:
Nice! I'd like to stand on that thing.

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah, I'd stand on that.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Yah, and this is the Gibson Excalibu-tar, ya know. And here's my guitar made from the wood of Christ's cross.

William Murderface:
Awww, get ready for a billion e-mails. Here comes the offended religious weirdos.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
What's offensive about the most religious instrument ever?

Toki Wartooth:
Candy... Tastes like chickens, if chickens was candy.

Toki Wartooth:
I'm Toki. I slips in and out of diabetic coma. I wish they made insulin flavored candy.

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Skwisgaar, this is your hand insurance policy. Should anything happen to your hands, you will be reimbursed $10 billion. Just sign here... here... and just sign here...

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Here. It looks like it's wont stop. How many copy I gots to sign?

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
Ten. One policy for each finger.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Oh, yeah. That makes sense.

Pickles the Drummer:
Our country's experiencing a horrible problem - nobody is using nickels. Use nickels. Nickels is money too guys.

Nathan Explosion:
[drunk] Snakes and Barrels isn't brutal! Just, do a great job. And don't leave us. I'm gonna get going - YOUR MUSIC SUCKS AND YOU'RE AN A**HOLE! I'm, I'm having a hard time expressing myself.

Dr. Romumilif Chesterfield:
Hey, you guys want to do some Totally Awesome Sweet Alabama Liquid Snake?

Snakes 'n' Barrels:
Uhhhhhhhh...

Dr. Romumilif Chesterfield:
You guys are going to get so high that your minds are going to blow chunks to outer space into the Milky Way.

Snakes 'n' Barrels:
Uhhhhhhhh... Uhhhhhhh... Uhhhhhhh...

Dr. Romumilif Chesterfield:
And what better way to celebrate the reunion than with good old fashioned Milky Way chunk blow, hmmmm?

William Murderface:
What a way to go out, too. I only hope we can end that way. Clawing our eyes out, and throwing up acid blood.

Nathan Explosion:
Most brutal album, huh? Ugh, I hate to say it. They're right. It's an amazing album. Congratulations, Pickles. This is so chilling.

William Murderface:
What a great way to go out, too. I only hope we end up that way: clawin' our eyes out and throwin' up acid blood.

Toki Wartooth:
I officially take backs whatever I say about Snakes'n'Barrels. You are amazing.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
This music is likes potato chips. I can't stop listening to it. Plays it again.

William Murderface:
What if Pickles never comes back? Oh, that'd be totally messed up.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh, come on, guys, it's not like this is anyone's first band. You'll probably all wanna go reunite with your old bands at some point.

Toki Wartooth:
Dethklok *is* my first band.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh. Well, one day... you'll wanna reunite with us.

Toki Wartooth:
Why? We already together.

Nathan Explosion:
Just 'cause we're not broken up doesn't mean we can't reunite.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Actually, I thinks that's exactlys what thats means.

Nathan Explosion:
Seriously?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
You can'ts reunite with a bands thats has not brokes-d upped. They won't let you.

Toki Wartooth:
That sucks. [exhales dejectedly] Great.

Nathan Explosion:
Wait. Could we have a... not-reunion tour where we, you know, just come out and, like, you know, do a regular show?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
No... I looked into it.

Nathan Explosion:
Well, that's pretty lame.

William Murderface:
[groans] I need a back rub. I miss Pickles.

Toki Wartooth:
[gasps] What's this place called?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
This is, I believes called, Food Libraries. Food Libraries.

Toki Wartooth:
Food Library.

Pickles The Drummer:
[yells] It's called a Grocery Store, you douchebags! [regular volume] I'm sorry about 'douchebags'. I got low blood sugar.

Nathan Explosion:
Alright, here's the deal. We have to do our own shopping so we can make our own dinner like all the regular jack-offs do. Now you're all in charge of putting together one dish. [yells] And don't just buy booze! That ain't food.

William Murderface:
What do you mean, 'booze ain't food'? I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!

Toki Wartooth:
You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?

William Murderface:
[yells] Yeah!

Toki Wartooth:
Wowee!

Nathan Explosion:
And don't just buy booze! That ain't food.

William Murderface:
What do you mean, 'booze ain't food'? I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that!

Nathan Explosion:
We will make everything metal, we will make it blacker then the blackest black times infinity.

Toki Wartooth:
WOOOOWWW. What is dis Place?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I think is called Fooood Library...

Toki Wartooth:
Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Fooooood Liiibraaryyy...

Pickles the Drummer:
IT'S A GROCERY STORE YOU DOUCHEBAGS! I'm sorry about 'douchebags,' I got low blood sugar.

Pickles the Drummer:
By the power of the holiest of evils, I command you to awaken and make me a sandwich!

Toki Wartooth:
What's this place called?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
This is, I believes, called food libraries.

Nathan Explosion:
We are here to make coffee metal... We will make everything metal... Blacker than the blackest black, times infinity!

Nathan Explosion:
We are here to make coffee metal. We will make everything metal. Blacker than the blackest black, times infinity

Pickles the Drummer:
[pushing a cart full of liquor bottles] Say, chief, this stuff good for soup?

Grocery Store Clerk:
No.

Pickles the Drummer:
Ahhh-ah! That's a yes!

Toki Wartooth:
[Toki and Skwisgaar are grocery shopping] Who is "wal... nuts?"

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[Skwisgaar surreptitiously throws a box of tampons into Toki's cart] Uh, hey Toki, look inside of your basket. [his voice barely conceals his amusement] Guess why's you're in such a crappy mood: you have ladies' tampons... unside of it! And you buy them for yourself - go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problems!

Toki Wartooth:
YOU lady, Skwisgaar!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
NO, I'M NOT!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
All of our chefs, they has died a horrible death. What of that's do you t'ink?

Jean-Pierre:
I would rather have my brains scooped out with a melon baller than to miss the opportunity to deliver the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.

Jean-Pierre:
[Jean-Pierre is presenting a bottle of wine to the band] Uh, from the Prime Minister of Norway. There are several cases. The finest wi...

Nathan Explosion:
NOOOO! We never drink before a show; never!

William Murderface:
[Murderface takes the bottle and pours some wine into his goblet] [slurring his words] Well, I'll have just a little drink.

Toki Wartooth:
[Toki hoists a beer can] Me, too.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[Skwisgaar has a few empty beer cans in front of him] Me, too.

Pickles the Drummer:
[the table in front of Pickles is covered in empty liquor bottles] Me, too.

Nathan Explosion:
[pause] Me, too.

Reporter #1:
[series of news reports and TV interviews] - live from Batsfjord, Norway, where over 300,000 fans have traveled to the Arctic Circle to see the legendary metal band Dethklok perform just one song.

Reporter #2:
Surprisingly, the song itself is a jingle... a coffee jingle. Never before have so many people traveled so far for such a short song.

Reporter #3:
- a coffee jingle for international coffee moguls the Duncan Hills Coffee Corporation. Is Dethklok selling out? "No!" says band frontman Nathan Explosion.

Nathan Explosion:
We're here to make coffee metal. We will make everything metal! Blacker than the blackest black, times infinity!

Reporter #2:
They're called "pain waivers." Fans are literally signing their life away, releasing Dethklok from any and all liability.

Fan #1:
My eye got tore out and force-fed to me at a show. DETHKLOK RULES!

Fan #2:
In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw 'em up onstage. Murderface rolled 'em up and smoked 'em! MURDERFACE!

Reporter #1:
- dark clouds have rolled in. Static electricity is in the air. W-wait... wait a minute, it's... it's Dethklok! It's Dethklok!

Senator Stampingston:
As you can see, Dethklok is no laughing matter. They're the world's greatest cultural force. A short time since the Duncan Hills Coffee Jingle Batsfjord Massacre Fest, every other coffee company has been obliterated. Completely blown out of the water.

General Krosier:
[disgustedly] Freaks.

Senator Stampingston:
These "freaks," as you call them, are currently worth billions. Gentlemen - [the band members' faces appear on the screen behind Stampingston as he quotes their names, as heard in their song "Deththeme"] "Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree. Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee. William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface. Pickles the Drummer... doodly-doo, uh - ding-dong... doodly... doodly-doo. Nathan Explosion." I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.

Cardinal Ravenwood:
I will remind you again of the Sumerian artifact. The resemblance is indisputable.

General Krosier:
If they're the ones that we think they are, we should exterminate them immediately.

Mr. Selatcia:
No. [everyone turns to him] We wait.

William Murderface:
There's only one thing left to do: kill ourselves.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Dudes, we would like have to sew him back together to get him to cook for us.

Toki Wartooth:
Yeah, but we such screw-ups that he would be sewn back together wrong.

Nathan Explosion:
WHOA! Thats a good song title.

[Nathan's voice booms over the supermarket's P.A. system]

Nathan Explosion:
PRICE CHECK! Cleanup Aisle Six! "Rotten Body Landslide"!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Oh, that's great stuff.

Nathan Explosion:
And don't forget our special sale on "Every Bone Broken Chicken"! Hurry!

[laughs]

Nathan Explosion:
Enjoy our tasty "Hammer Smashed Face"! Aisle Three.

Senator Stampingston:
Gentlemen, Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree. Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee. William Murderface Murderface Murderface. Pickles, the drummer, doodily doo, ding-dong doodily doodily doo. Nathan Explosion. I'm afraid that's all we know, gentlemen.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[Putting coffee grounds into toaster] What is wrong with this dumb d*ldos, they give us all the free coffee in the world and no instruction on how to cook it! [Throws toaster]

Murderface:
What do ya mean, booze ain't food! I'd rather chop off my ding-dong than admit that.

Toki Wartooth:
You'd rather chop off your ding-dong than not drink?

Murderface:
Yeah!

Toki Wartooth:
Wowie!

Toki Wartooth:
What is wal... nuts.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Uh, hey Toki, look inside of your basket. Guess why yours in such a crappy mood, you have ladies tampons inside of it. If you buy them for yourself go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problem.

Toki Wartooth:
You a lady, Skwisgaar!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
*No I'm not!*

Nathan Explosion:
Brutal.

Pickles:
[holding a lobster] Hold on, now, so yer telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shreik and they turn red and they die.

Store Clerk:
Yes, sir.

Pickles:
That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I love to laugh. Hi.

GMILF:
Hi.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Guess what you are a GMILF. That is a grandmother that I would like to...

Pickles the drummer:
BY THE POWER OF ALL THAT IS EVIL, I COMMAND YOU TO AWAKEN AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

William Murderface:
What do mean booze ain't food? I'd rather chop off my ding dong than admit that!

Pickles:
[holding uncooked lobster] Okay, hold on now. So you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water and they shreik and they turn red and they die?

Clerk:
Yes sir.

Pickles:
That is the most metal thing I've ever heard in my whole life. High five.

One-Eyed Fan:
I got my eye torn out, and force-fed to me at a show! DETHKLOK RULES!

[the Dethcopter approaches the concert area. A giant metal cube with spikes on its sides deploys out the back cargo hatch, four parachutes at the top corners slowing its descent over the target concert area. The crowd "oohs" and smiles, anticipating its arrival as its shadow passes over them. Halfway down, the parachutes detach and the cube with its skull motifs plummets. It strikes the gorund off target, crushing a portion of the crowd. Those in its immediate vicinity lay on the ground, dismembered. Music begins and the surviving crowd cheers enthusiastically. Three walls of the cube fall away, revealing Dethklok playing in the stage inside while simultaneously crushing even more audience members. Panels slide out behind the stage and three giant screens rise up showing identical close-ups of Nathan Explosion as he begins to sing their death-metal coffee jingle]

Nathan Explosion:
[spoken] Do you folks like coffee? *Real* coffee? From the hills of Columbia?

Nathan Explosion:
[sung] Duncan Hills will wake you / From a thousand deaths / A cup of blackened blood

Toki Wartooth:
[close-up] Die!

William Murderface:
[close-up] Die!

Nathan Explosion:
You're dying for a cup / Guatemalan blend / Ethiopian / French vanilla roast

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[close-up] Die!

William Murderface:
[close-up] Die!

Nathan Explosion:
You're dying for a cup / Prepare for ultimate flavor / You're gonna get some *now*! / And scream for your cream!

[Skwisgaar Skwigelf plays guitar prominently as giant pots of coffee are poured onto the crowd, scalding off their flesh, followed by giant cup of creamer, then more coffee and more cream. Pyrotechnics are launched... ]

Nathan Explosion:
Duncan Hills / Duncan Hills

[... a small explosion occurs in the pyrotechnics' control panel and two ricochet off each other in mid-air... ]

Nathan Explosion:
Duncan Hills

[... with one heading towards the Dethcopter... ]

Nathan Explosion:
Coffee!

[... where Jean-Pierre gasps as he sees it through a window heading for him. It smashes through the window, exploding where he stands, sending him straight up through the top of the Dethcopter... ]

Jean-Pierre:
Nooo...

[... into its massive blades where he is chopped into twenty pieces, his cry cut short. Dethklok looks up, sees the explosion from the blast, then are startled as they get splattered with his blood. Additional explosions rock the Dethcopter as it slowly lists and falls, narrowly missing their stage]

[the chef offers wine to Dethklok]

Nathan Explosion:
NOOOO! We never drink before a show, never!

William Murderface:
Well I've been drinkin' all day.

Toki Wartooth:
Me too.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Me too.

Pickles The Drummer:
Me too.

Nathan Explosion:
[Softly] Me too.

Nathan Explosion:
We are here to make coffee metal! We will make everything metal, blacker than the blackest black... times infinity!

Nathan Explosion:
Two cups of rice...

Nathan Explosion:
[Trying to pour the rice into the shopping cart and watching it fall through the bottom] Brutal.

Pickles The Drummer:
[about lobster] Okay, hold on now. So, you're tellin' me that you put these little guys in boiling water, and they shrink, and they turn red, and they die?

Grocery Clerk:
Yes, sir.

Pickles The Drummer:
That is the most Metal thing I ever heard in my whole life. High five!

Senator Stampingston:
Skwisgaar Skwigelf, taller than a tree. Toki Wartooth, not a bumblebee. William Murderface, Murderface, Murderface. Pickles the Drummer, doodily doo ding dong doodily doodily doo. Nathan Explosion.

Pickles The Drummer:
[to the chef being kept alive by a mass of tubes and machines] By the power of all that is evil, I command you to awaken and MAKE ME A SANDWICH!

Chef:
I would rather have my brain scooped out with a melon baller than miss the opportunity to bring the various cheese snacks to my beloved Dethklok.

Pickles:
Are you aware of the fate of our last restaurant helicopter chef?

Jean-Pierre:
His face was...

William Murderface:
His face was SMASHED!

Jean-Pierre:
Yes I know.

Toki Wartooth:
He slips his hand and face, sluk hoevercrofe.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Hol... holvercraft.

Toki Wartooth:
Coft.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Honoo...

Pickles:
Hovercraft.

Toki Wartooth:
Hoovman.

Pickles:
Hovercraft!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Hloo...

Toki Wartooth:
Hooo...

Pickles:
He's trying to tell you that the chef got his face smashed into uh, the hovercraft, that's what they're trying to tell you.

Toki Wartooth:
And then from the sorrow, far too, he blow he brain in.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
He blow he brain out.

Toki Wartooth:
Whatever.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Out.

Toki Wartooth:
It make a great album cover.

Fan #2:
In London, some dude chopped off my fingers and threw them up on stage, Murderface rolled them up and smoked them! MURDERFACE!

Toki Wartooth:
What's this place called?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
This place, I believe, is called 'food libraries.'

Toki Wartooth:
Fooood... libraries...

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Fooood... libraries...

Pickles the Drummer:
It's called a grocery store you douchebags! I'm sorry about douchebags, I got... I got low blood sugar.

Pickles the Drummer:
Ok, hold on now, so you're telling me that you put these little guys in boiling water, and they shriek, and they turn red and they die?

Deli Assistant:
Yes Sir.

Pickles the Drummer:
That is the most metal thing I ever heard in my whole life... High five.

Toki Wartooth:
You're a lady, Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
No. I'm not!

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Go have a conversation with all the ladies and tell them your problem.

Toki Wartooth:
You're a lady, Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
No I'm not!

Charles Foster Ofdensen:
That's my bread and butter you're f***ing with.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
[after their escape pods crash in the middle of a forest] Whats in the f***ing names of Odin?

Toki Wartooth:
What the hell was that?

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Dude! Wheres are we's? What the f*** we just flies in? What the hell was wrong with your guitar sounds tonight?

Toki Wartooth:
What the hell's that supposed to mean? It sounded great.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
Nope. Sounds dildoes... agains.

Pickles the Drummer:
Dude, it was a fan attack! That's what Ofdensen warned us about!

Nathan Explosion:
Why do fans feel that they have to do that? I mean, what, to get noticed?

William Murderface:
I know. There's so many nice kids out there, and then just a couple of them gotta attack you. It just spoils it for everyone.

Nathan Explosion:
I know, it's sad. It's sad for them.

Pickles the Drummer:
It *is* sad. It's sad for *them*.

William Murderface:
Seriously, it's pathetic. It just makes me feel sorry for them, that's all.

Pickles the Drummer:
[floodlights suddenly turn on above the band] Oh, must be a rescue team. Hey, guys, down here! [the floodlights reveal a multitude of heavily armed and armored soldiers and several tanks] It's us, Dethklok, stranded in the middle of nowhere!

William Murderface:
Oh, I hope they brought some f***in' food!

Nathan Explosion:
I feel like eating cheese. Like, really fancy cheese, like... what's the name of that cheese, Renoir?

Pickles the Drummer:
Yeah, I could do that. Maybe a little Kool-Aid of, you know... of the, you know, the grape persuasion...

Nathan Explosion:
That's what I'm talkin' about.

William Murderface:
[several sleeping gas grenades land at the band's feet] Oh, look. Firecrackers.

Nathan Explosion:
Oh, let's steal 'em!

William Murderface:
I remember when I was a k... [Muderface, Nathan, and Pickles all pass out and start snoring]

General Krosier:
His name is Doctor Rockso. He's the rock and roll clown. He does cocaine. I'm afraid that's all we know.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I will sees you in Valhalska...

Toki Wartooth:
I've always hated you Skwisgaar.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf:
I knows Tolki... I knows

Nathan Explosion:
We've figured out how to travel through time at the speed of regular time with plastic bags.

Cardinal Ravenwood:
[His last lines] The Metalocalypse... Has Begun.