Mind of Mencia

Host:
Dee-Dee-Dee!

Host:
If you ain't laughing, you ain't living, baby.

Host:
[after watching a clip about shark attacks] That's not news! When a shark comes out of the water, walks into a 7-11, and bites you in the ass, then it's news!

Announcer:
The vaguvinator! Vaguvinate your vagina and make him think it's your first time, every time!

Host:
Here, let's go to my dressing room, and I promise, I'll only put it in for a second.

Stacy:
Okay.

[phone rings]

Stacy:
Carlos, seriously, it's the president of the United States.

Host:
S-send him through.

George Bush:
Carlos, it's president George W. Bush. Ya got a minute?

Host:
Yea, Yeah, what's up?

George Bush:
Well, I just want to say that uh, Laura and I really love your show.

[Heh heh heh]

Host:
God... I'm honored, sir.

George Bush:
Well, I appreciate that, but I do have an official request for ya, CM.

Host:
What would that be?

George Bush:
Well, Carlos, I've always tried to be a uniter, not a divider. Unfortunately, I feel your racialistically charged material is pulling this country apart. So as a favor to me, and America, could you please stop tellin' those ethnical jokes? Ya know, I'd appreciate that.

Host:
Sir, I love this country more than anything in the world, and I respect what you've done so much... but, the one thing I truly love about this country is freedom of speech. So... You can go f*** yourself, you redneck cracker!

Host:
We celebrate Labor Day by not going to work?

Host:
When a black person has no electricity, no water, they call it the ghetto. When white people have no electricity and no water, they call it camping.

Host:
If your gonna drop out of school / tough grades are not your goal / then change your name to Candy and learn to work a pole.

[Carlos Mencia is sitting on a bench at a park. Right next to him is a heavy-set person wearing jeans and a plaid shirt, drinking from a water fountain. Mencia notices a set of keys lying on the ground next to the person]

Host:
Hey, bro. You dropped your keys.

[the person looks at him, turning out to be a woman]

Fountain Drinker:
Who are you calling, 'bro,' b*tch? [spits water]

[Carlos looks towards the camera in embarrassment]

Host:
[as gas station counter guy] Aren't you the one with twelve kids?

Hispanic Woman Customer At Gas Station:
[smiles] Yes I am.

Host:
[looks at camera]... What do you feed them? Losing lottery tickets? You're never going to win the lottery! You have a better chance of getting knocked up by Ryan Seacrest. And you have enough kids! Take your fifty dollars and buy yourself a vagina cork. I hope I get reincarnated as a condom so I never have to see your ugly-ass face again!

Host:
[to overweight lady while he's a gas station store check-out guy] If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.

Host:
[to Spanish customer who cusses at him as she walks out] I know Spanish too, Punta!

Host:
Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

Peter Boyle:
[reading Carlos' hate mail] Dear Carlos, I have seen you perform 27 more times than any other comedian. I brought my parents, my wife, and my brother, and I honestly have to say... your act sucks! I too am a latino, and I find your stereotyping of our race disgusting. I'm as liberal as the next guy, but I just can't stand you California queers! The one thing that lets me sleep is knowing you'll never end up on TV... maybe basic cable. Carlos Mencia, your a racist spic! GO FU*K YOURSELF! Sincerely, Michael Hernandez.

Host:
Are there any white people in here with tattoos? You... you are the whitest dude here. [everybody laughs] Dude, you are the cracker in my soup. Come on, what is your tattoo?

Audience Member:
[rolling up his sleeve] It's a tribal arm band.

Host:
Oh, the tribal arm band! Well, what tribe are you from, "Chad?" You see what I'm saying? "Chad" is an Indian now! I'm just kidding, dude. I know your name isn't Chad. What is your name?

Audience Member:
[embarrassed] It's... Blake.

[reading Carlos' hate mail]

Peter Boyle:
Dear Carlos, I have seen you perform 27 more times than any other comedian. I brought my parents, my wife, and my brother, and I honestly have to say... your act sucks! I too am a latino, and I find your stereotyping of our race disgusting. I'm as liberal as the next guy, but I just can't stand you California queers! The one thing that lets me sleep is knowing you'll never end up on TV... maybe basic cable. Carlos Mencia, your a racist spic! GO F*** YOURSELF! Sincerely, Michael Hernandez.