Movie Stars

Lori Lansford:
Ready to party! I'm gonna be so bummed if the neighbors don't call the cops on us.

Reese Hardin:
I don't think Robert Downey Jr. is gonna be calling any cops.

Jacey Wyatt:
Lori, we already told you we don't do big parties.

Lori Lansford:
You guys are movie stars, I mean you have to throw outrageous parties. It's part of the pact you signed with Satan!

Jacey Wyatt:
It's tough to stay grounded in this town. We're just trying to give you guys as normal an upbringing as possible.

Apache Hardin:
That's why you named us Apache and Moonglow?

[Todd arrives with an enormous gift basket]

Todd Hardin:
It's my niece's birthday and I wanted her to know just how much she means to me.

Lori Lansford:
Uncle Todd, you didn't have to!

Francine Hardin:
He didn't.

[Francine reads the card from the basket]

Francine Hardin:
"To Tom and Nicole. Keep the faith. We know where you live. The Church of Scientology."

Audrey Wyatt:
I don't know how to tell you all this but... I'm dying! I don't know when, I don't know how, but sooner or later I'm gonna die.

Francine Hardin:
If there's anything I can do to help.

Jacey Wyatt:
Hey, how was work?

Reese Hardin:
Well, let's see, I wiped out a colony of acid-spewing aliens and we had steak for lunch. Life is good!

Reese Hardin:
Todd, I left six messages on your machine!

Todd Hardin:
Yeah, it was really beginning to get annoying.

Francine Hardin:
Apache, why is there a dog in the kitchen?

Apache Hardin:
I got a new job. Celebrity dog walking!

Francine Hardin:
And why are his eyes glazed over?

Apache Hardin:
It's Woody Harrelson's dog, Hemp.

Audrey Wyatt:
Where are you going?

Audrey Wyatt:
Out to make some new friends. Male, of course. I'm gonna start out with a little witty conversation and then a flirtatious smile...

Francine Hardin:
Who are you kidding? You'll stand on a street corner and yell, "Hey, G.I., me love you long time!"

[Reese reprimands Lori for going to The Viper Room with Jacey's irresponsible mother]

Lori Lansford:
We were fine. The scariest thing we saw was William Shatner without his hairpiece.

Reese Hardin:
You know, it's not so easy being an action star.

Todd Hardin:
Oh yeah, you gotta memorize all that riveting dialogue.

Reese Hardin:
Basically I've played the same character in every movie I've ever made. Good guy with a cleft chin.

Reese Hardin:
We're gonna have to ground you.

Lori Lansford:
Ground me? Dad, that is so Brady Bunch!

Jacey Wyatt:
Well, get used to it, Marcia!

Lori Lansford:
Look, I didn't mean the stuff I said last night. Well, I mean I meant it, but I just shouldn't have said it. Not out loud. At least, not to you.

Jacey Wyatt:
Okay, okay!

Jacey Wyatt:
You know, when I was three, Audrey used the Christmas money to go to Tijuana with the Coors distributor.

Lori Lansford:
Big deal! The Halloween I was five, my mom sent me trick-or-treating as a little girl with a sack.

Jacey Wyatt:
Well, my mom slept with my prom date. DURING the prom. They dated for the next three years.

[Jacey decides to along when her mother offers to take Lori to dinner]

Lori Lansford:
Jacey, I don't need a chaperone.

Jacey Wyatt:
Well, think of me as a bodyguard. You don't know my mom like I do. An evening with her can be fun and exciting! And you'll both be brought home in a squad car.

[Jacey peruses a tabloid]

Jacey Wyatt:
Hmmm, this is interesting. Madonna is pregnant with an alien baby.

Reese Hardin:
Well, she's already slept with everyone on this planet!