Never Mind the Buzzcocks

Mark:
You're the skilful gay of Britain. You have got three straight men fighting over which one gets you.

Mark:
Stuart Adamson was a Big Country member. And we do remember.

Mark:
I'm not passive-aggressive, I'm aggressive-aggressive.

Bill:
What's wrong with this?

Mark:
It's like a gay, hippie, Dennis the Menace!

Mark:
Give it to Bill.

Toyah:
I already have.

Mark:
I meant the song!

Mark:
I like the way Bill just buzzes in without a buzzer!

Lisa:
Put me out of my misery.

Mark:
I'd love to. [looking off-stage] Could someone please get my croquet mallet?

[in the 'what's the next line of the song' round]

Mark:
Girlfriend in a coma?

Bill:
Oh... dear.

Phill Jupitus:
Stand up a minute.

Simon Amstell:
Why, what's wrong with me?

Phill Jupitus:
You look like you've been drawn by children. [childishly] This is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so [manically] Here's his hair.

Simon Amstell:
That's what I was going for.

Jeremy Clarkson:
An NME poll recently voted 'Yes' as the shitest band in the world. Bad news for them but 'Blue' breathed a huge sigh of relief.

Jim Jeffries:
I still recon it's got something to do with cystitis or thrush or whatever girls get when they sleep with me. I like the yogurt with banana as that works as an applicator.

Trisha Goddard:
Is it going to be chauvinist stuff the whole night?

Jim Jeffries:
Just on this side. You can do what you want over there.

Trisha Goddard:
When I was an air stewardess, I used to hate people like you.

Jeremy Clarkson:
You were a mental health person *and* an air stewardess?

Trisha Goddard:
No, I was the air stewardess before I became the mental health person.

Phill Jupitus:
What kind of a hellish CV have you got?

Rick Wakeman:
Have you ever been arrested on a plane?

Bill Bailey:
Er well no, but, no, I may have avoided it by taking all the drugs before we got to the...

Bill Bailey:
Talk to the beard, the forehead's not listening!

Jeremy Clarkson:
I can't dance. I'm a man, I'm white, everything's wrong!

Jim Jeffries:
[recalling when he did a gig in a gay nightclub in Cape Town, South Africa] I was chatting to a whole lot of lads at the bar and I'm pretty funny... I think, and one of them's gone "You're wasted, aren't ya?" And I went "Yep". And he goes " Do you want to come to the toilet with me?" Now, I think he's offering me a line of coke. So I go in there first... beckon him in! Then he comes out, he pulls out this great big cock, and he goes "Do you want some coke first?" And I went "I only want coke!"

Jim Jeffries:
[guess the intro] I don't know what it is but I really like it!

Jim Jeffries:
Do you know *anything* about cars?

Jeremy Clarkson:
You! You thought I was Jeremy Paxman when you got here!

Jim Jeffries:
I did!

Jeremy Clarkson:
I'll be Paxman then. Come on! Come on! Yoghurt! Yoghurt! Come on!

Jeremy Clarkson:
Coated? I didn't know you could conjugate the verb 'coat', but there you are. I always thought it was a noun, in my funny little way.

Jeremy Clarkson:
[next line round] I drove all night, crept in your room...

Jim Jeffries:
And touched ya!

Jim Jeffries:
[guess the intro] I dunno. Michael Jackson doing...

Bill Bailey:
Community service.

[Rick Wakeman and Bill Bailey are dancing to 'Dancing on the ceiling' by Lionel Richie]

Trisha Goddard:
Neither of them can dance, can they?

Bill Bailey:
Hey!

Trisha Goddard:
Dance like dads at the school disco.

Bill Bailey:
That is an internationally accepted form of dancing.

Trisha Goddard:
I notice that the bride's dress is by Sluts R Us.

Phill Jupitus:
Yeah, says you.

Trisha Goddard:
Oh you like it. Boys like that sort of thing, don't they.

Jeremy Clarkson:
What's the matter with it?

Trisha Goddard:
Well, she's practically showing her front botty.

Phill Jupitus:
Trisha, on your show you have people who knob animals.

Trisha Goddard:
No, we don't.

Phill Jupitus:
I 'heart' badgers. The Trisha special.

Bill Bailey:
When was that on? Must have missed that one.

Phill Jupitus:
Stand up a minute.

Simon Amstell:
Why, what's wrong with me?

Phill Jupitus:
You look like you've been drawn by children.

[childishly]

Phill Jupitus:
This is a man in a suit. I've got lots of brown so

[manically]

Phill Jupitus:
Here's his hair.

Simon Amstell:
David Bowie played Pontius Pilate in "The Last Temptation of Christ." I'm not saying he was wooden, but a certain Mr. Jesus Christ was nailed to him.

[lights flash and gameshow music plays]

Announcer:
Congratulations, it's the Worst Joke of the Show!

[the music continues as Simon waves to the camera and shakes hands with the panel as they applaud him]

Simon Amstell:
[sadly] Everyone knows Courtney Love apart from me.

Noel Fielding:
She'd crush you like a Twiglet.

Simon Amstell:
She would. Or kill me and make it look like suicide.

Simon Amstell:
[Noel Fielding's mouth is agape while an on-screen disclaimer reads: Simon Amstell is definitely wrong] I don't know what I'm talking about, I don't know what I'm saying; I saw a documentary, I don't know what I'm saying.

Himself - Team Captain:
[what Chris de Burgh said about him] "I've heard he's very ugly. And he doesn't have much hair".

Himself - Team Captain:
Is that all he could come up with?

Himself - Team Captain:
That's all he could come up with, the monobrowed nanny shagging toss monger.

David (Guest Host):
[Repeated line] Barrowman!

Phil (Team Captain):
[Looking at the Odd] That is actually what I look like when I have Linguine!

Bernard:
That's what I look like when I have a cold!

David (Guest Host):
Kylie's favorite bra sold for ?6,000 on eBay

Bernard:
Do you want to see 'em?

Jamie:
I have no idea what's going on!

Phil (Team Captain):
[Noel has remarked on the Dalek's bad footwear] Are you saying we have an orthorpedic Dalek?

David (Guest Host):
[Next lines round] Knock, Knock!

Phil (Team Captain):
Who's there?

David (Guest Host):
Doctor!

Phil (Team Captain):
Doctor Who?

David (Guest Host):
Correct!

[Start of the show; The camera zooms in on the empty host's chair when coloured smoke appears, and David jumps up from under the desk]

David (Guest Host):
[Looking towards someone off set] They'll put the materialisation effect in afterwards, yeah?