Neverwhere

[Answering the phone]

Mr. Croup:
Croup and Vandemar, the Old Firm, obstacles obliterated, nuisances eradicated, bothersome limbs removed and tutelary dentistry undertaken.

Mr. Croup:
If you cut us, do we not bleed?

Mr. Vandemaar:
[pondering] No.

Mr. Croup:
You're completely off your head.

Mr. Vandemaar:
Say the word, Mister Croup, and it'll be off his shoulders before you can say Jack Ketch.

Mr. Croup:
Were I you, I would no longer worry about the young lady. Her days are numbered, and the number in question isn't even in double digits.

The Marquis De Carabas:
I thought it was just a legend, like the alligators in the sewers of New York.

Old Bailey:
What, the big white ones? Oh, they're down there. I had a friend who lost a head to one of them. He's all right, he had another one.

Old Bailey:
What's it like? Being dead?

The Marquis De Carabas:
Live long enough and you'll find out.

Door:
The Marquis de Carabas is a little bit dodgy in the same way that rats are a little bit covered in fur.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
What kind of meat is it?

'Floating Market' Food Vendor:
Crow.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
I'll take three vegetable curries then.

Mr. Croup:
What do you want?

The Marquis De Carabas:
What does anybody want?

Mr. Vandemaar:
Dead things... extra teeth...

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
[Prelude] Hello, I'm Richard Mayhew and I'm in Securities.

The Marquis De Carabas:
[Prelude] There's going to be trouble...

The Abbott of the Black Friars:
[Serenely] You are all very stupid people and you don't know anything.

The Marquis De Carabas:
Don't you think they'll notice you're back? Just "Oh look, there's another angel. Here, grab a harp and on with the Hosannas"?

[Under threat of torture]

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
We don't matter. Don't set it free.

The Marquis De Carabas:
Actually I matter very much, but I have to agree. Don't do it.

Mr. Croup:
You can't make an omelet...

Mr. Vandemaar:
...without killing a few people.

Hunter:
Have you ever used a spear before?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
No

Hunter:
Take it!

[Richard moves toward the spear]

Hunter:
Hold it by the blunt end.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
I knew that bit!

Mr. Croup:
He's travelled so far beyond right and wrong he couldn't see them with a telescope on a clear night.

Mr. Croup:
I already killed you once. What does it take to teach some people?

[On learning he must face an ordeal]

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Is it the kind of ordeal like visiting a rather bad tempered, elderly female relative is an ordeal, or is it more the plunging your hand into a pot of scalding water to see how quickly it strips the skin off sort of ordeal?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
This ordeal of yours, how much of an ordeal is it? Is this the kind of ordeal like going to visit a rather elderly, ill-kempt, and female relative is an ordeal? Or is this kind of ordeal more like a... like a plunging your hand into scalding hot water to see how fast it takes off the skin sort of ordeal?

The Abbott of the Black Friars:
Now for the nice cup of tea.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Is this part of the ordeal?

The Abbott of the Black Friars:
Part of the ordeal for us...

Mr. Croup:
She must be losing a lot of blood, Mr. Vandemaar.

Mr. Vandemaar:
Lovely blood, Mr. Croup, lovely wet blood.

Mr. Croup:
Won't be long now...

Mr. Croup:
Well bless my little black soul, Mr. Vandemaar. Do you see what I see? I spy with my little eye something that's going to be...

Mr. Vandemaar:
Dead in a minute, Mr. Croup.

Door:
What's your name?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Richard. Richard Mayhew. Dick.

Door:
Richardrichardmayhewdick?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Can I ask a question?

The Marquis De Carabas:
No. You don't ask any questions. You don't get any answers. You don't stray from the path. You don't even think about what's happening to you right now. Got it?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Excuse me. I know this is a personal question, but are you clinically insane?

The Marquis De Carabas:
It's very unlikely. Why?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Well, one of us must be.

The Marquis De Carabas:
Her family had remarkable recuperative powers. It's a wonder anyone managed to kill them at all, isn't it?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
He's your brother? Shouldn't you have the same name?

Mr. Croup:
What a brain, Mr Vandemaar! Quick and incisive! Some of us are so sharp we could cut ourselves!

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
We've got to get the thing I've got to the Angel. Then he'll tell Door about her family and he'll tell me how to get home.

Lamia:
And he'll give you a brain and me a heart.

Mr. Croup:
Don't think of us as cutthroats and murderers, Miss, think of us as an escort service.

Mr. Vandemaar:
Only without the bosoms.

The Marquis De Carabas:
When angels go bad, they go worse than anyone. Remember, Lucifer was an angel.

Mr. Vandemaar:
Best way to scare crows - creep up behind them, put your hand around their crow necks and squeeze till they stop moving. That scares the stuffing out of them.

Mr. Croup:
Scare her! Scare her! That we should be brought to this.

Mr. Vandemaar:
Should've followed my idea. Would have scared the lass more if I'd pulled his head off while she wasn't looking, then put my hand up through his throat and wiggled my fingers about. They always scream when the eyeballs fall out.

Mr. Croup:
Why get so squeamish at this stage of the game?

Mr. Vandemaar:
I'm not squeamish, Mr. Croup. I like it when the eyeballs fall out.

Ruislip:
And who are you?

Hunter:
I'm the Hunter.

[tense silence]

Hunter:
Well, then? Say something funny!

Ruislip:
[stuck for words] My dog hath no nose...

Anasthesia:
Do you like cat?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Yes, I quite like cats.

Anasthesia:
Leg or breast?

The Marquis De Carabas:
I'd like to wish you the best in your future career, but I doubt you'll live long enough to have one.

The Marquis De Carabas:
Nice in a bodyguard is about as useful as the ability to regurgitate whole lobsters.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
[Richard saves a man from jumping off a bridge] Idiot! What the hell were you trying to do?

Man on Bridge:
Where did you come from?

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
I think I just saved your life.

Man on Bridge:
Arsehole.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Is there really anything to be scared of?

Hunter:
Only the knight on the bridge.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
The kind in armor?

Hunter:
The kind that comes when the day is over. Now is the time to be afraid of the dark.

Varney:
Are you bribing me?

Mr. Vandemaar:
No. We're threatening you. And if you don't do what Mr. Croup says, we're hurting you very badly before killing you even badlier.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
Is there anything to be scared of?

Hunter:
Only the night on the bridge.

Richard Oliver Mayhew:
The kind in armor?

Hunter:
The kind that comes when the day is over.

Hunter:
Try that again and I'll break off your arms and make you carry them home in your teeth!