Peep Show

Super Hans:
[speaking to Jeremy over the phone] Jez, you need to come and get me.

Jeremy Usborne:
What's up?

Super Hans:
I've accidentally run to Windsor.

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

Super Hans:
Yeah, I've mistakenly... run to Windsor!

Jeremy Usborne:
But that's, like, in Scotland or something... isn't it?

Super Hans:
I didn't mean to, it's just the endorphins kicked in and I couldn't stop!

Jeremy Usborne:
OK, well find some polythene or something to pull over yourself, and a bit of waste ground, and I'm sure you'll feel fine in the morning.

Super Hans:
My legs have gone man! I'm a jelly! I'm paralysed! Feels f***ing brilliant!

Jeremy Usborne:
Christ Mark, you really need to grow a pair.

Mark Corrigan:
Of testicles?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes.

Mark Corrigan:
You want me to grow a pair of testicles so I'd have four testicles and somehow that'll help make me braver and better to deal with stress? Staggering around like a baboon with four balls hanging down?

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, Gail's f***ing you over because you're so bloody passive. You need to rip her a new one.

Mark Corrigan:
A new anus? So she'd have two anuses? And then in this mad new world of yours, I'd presumably shove my four bollocks up her two anuses for some unknown reason.

Jeremy Usborne:
Don't worry. Zahra says we have only one fear to fear, and that's fear itself. It's a clever saying, isn't it?

Mark Corrigan:
And what about losing all your money? Or shitting yourself in public? Or the tabloid press mistakenly outing you as a paedo? Or Alzheimer's? Or all of those things, plus you're drowning?

Dobby:
Best to have Pringles in bowls, otherwise you get Pringle hand. [takes her hand out of the Pringles tube and looks at it] I think if Rod Hull and Emu were still alive they definately would have used them to advertise Pringles.

Mark Corrigan:
I'm just off to Dobby's, and I don't think I'll be needing to be friends with Kenneth anymore.

Jeremy Usborne:
[nodding] OK. Do you think Kenneth might have been made redundant?

Mark Corrigan:
[tapping the side of his nose] Indeed, I think Kenneth can take a hike. [Jeremy chuckles. Mark leaves]

Jeremy Usborne:
[to Zahra and her book group friends] Kenneth is what Mark calls his 9 inch dildo.

[last lines]

Jeremy Usborne:
If I was going to kill you, I'd have a great sign-off.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah?

Jeremy Usborne:
You always loved history, Mark. Well, now you can be part of it.

[mimes shooting him]

Jeremy Usborne:
Bang.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, not bad, not bad at all. I think I'd just come at you in the night, pillow on the face, cark.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, that's you all over.

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
Aw, we do love each other really.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I simply must get rid of him.

Mark Corrigan:
[looking at different blends of tea] Breakfast blend, special blend, oh! double black diamond extra bold, that sounds interesting. Breakfast blend it is.

Jeremy Usborne:
We might need to tidy up a bit.

[Jeremy pulls out four remote controls that have been taped together into a cuboid]

Jeremy Usborne:
And we might need have to untape the DVD and video and TV and Sky remotes.

Mark Corrigan:
The Megatron? But... No.

Jeremy Usborne:
It smells wrong. I mean, the Megatron doesn't say "Urban free-wheelers", it says "Sofa masturbaters", you know?

[Mark and Jeremy are about to meet their dates. Mark pulls out a rolled-up magazine from under his jacket]

Jeremy Usborne:
What are you doing?

Mark Corrigan:
Friends of The British Museum magazine.

[Jeremy gives him a withering look]

Mark Corrigan:
Clearly, I'm not a Johnny Depp, Tony Parsons, Hunk of the Month, I need my props, I have my rituals. Magazine under the arm...

[he takes out a condom packet]

Mark Corrigan:
Old Meg in the wallet.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Still two years off expiry.

[Jeremy and Mark are watching a tedious, badly acted play with their dates]

Jeremy Usborne:
[whispering] When do we get to go out?

Mark Corrigan:
[whispering] As far as I can make can out, we get to go out for a bit in a hour. Then we have to come back for two hours.

Jeremy Usborne:
You're kidding. I think I'll die.

Mark Corrigan:
If this was on television, no one would be watching.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh God. We aren't we watching television?

Mark Corrigan:
I can't believe coming here cost more than a film.

Jeremy Usborne:
I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money, we could be watching Robert De Niro AND Al Pacino.

Paula:
Shhh.

Mark Corrigan:
I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.

Jeremy Usborne:
OK. Let's pretend we're just watching Heat.

[Mark and Jeremy have come home to discover they've been burgled]

Mark Corrigan:
[looking into the toilet] Oh, my God. They did a sh*t.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh God, that is so... why do burglars do that?

Mark Corrigan:
I think it's nerves or marking their territory. Look, it's sort of all...

Jeremy Usborne:
[looking into the toilet] Oh, that was me, actually.

[he flushes it]

Jeremy Usborne:
Sorry. I don't always remember to... I get distracted.

Jeremy Usborne:
So, what shall we have to drink, to celebrate?

Big Suze:
Well, a Barolo is always nice.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Sh*t. Can't ask how much. Restaurant, you have to pretend you're infinitely wealthy for some reason.

[he starts looking through the wine list]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] OK, flicking, looking. If only I knew the name of any other wine. What's a wine? Is the one Hannibal Lecter drinks real or a joke?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ugh. Everyone in that restaurant knew I'd been stood up. I'd feel better if she had had an accident. I could go to the hospital, I might get to switch off the machine. Would that be good? Married one, killed one. I'd be a pint-sized Henry VIII.

[Mark, Jeremy, Big Suze and Heather are in the flat with a teenage burglar Mark has caught]

Big Suze:
This is quite a weird date, Jeremy. It's even weirder than when you took me to Laser Quest and tried to hump me in the dark.

Jeremy Usborne:
Any minute now our door is going to get kicked by 100 maniacs with no stake in society. Is that your idea of a relaxing date?

Mark Corrigan:
We've got to tough it out.

Jeremy Usborne:
Fine, you're a nob. Good luck with your civilisation, I'm barricading myself in my room. Suze!

[Big Suze and Jeremy go to his room]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great, it's me protecting civilisation again while Jeremy has sex. If this was the war I'd be getting shot by Rommel while he was in Paris getting a blowj*b from a Nazi.

Mark Corrigan:
Stop! Stop, thieves!

Burglar's Friend:
F*** off, Clean Shirt.

[Heather has been forced to tell Mark she's not interested in him]

Heather:
What did you want to tell me?

Mark Corrigan:
I thought that you might be... the One, but, I guess... probably not. So... good night.

Heather:
'Night.

[she leaves]

Jeremy Usborne:
She might be the One.

Mark Corrigan:
F*** off, Jeremy!

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'm his One.

Jeremy Usborne:
It was a weird and uplifting night of recriminations and complicated legal debate.

Jeremy Usborne:
Quickly, Mark, let's go, we've been rumbled.

Sophie Chapman:
So, we've all been talking, me and Lisa and Katie and Jeff and we think we'd like to step down from the work group.

Mark Corrigan:
But... you can't.

Sophie Chapman:
You did say it was voluntary.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, it's not.

Sophie Chapman:
And I was quite shocked when you called Kathy a knucklehead, Mark.

Mark Corrigan:
No I didn't.

Sophie Chapman:
Yes, you did. You said she was a knucklehead and she should knuckle down or you'd knuckle her fat head. Then you stamped on Gerard's foot.

Mark Corrigan:
That was an accident.

Sophie Chapman:
No, it wasn't.

Mark Corrigan:
It could have been, I was careful to be sure that it could have been.

[about Johnson]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I do sort of like it when he's rude to me. Hopefully that's more a psychological defect than a weird sexual thing.

Johnson:
If we succeed, I'm going to be Charles and you'll be my Camilla.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I'm going to be Johnson's Queen! If the public will accept me, I'm going to be Johnson's Queen!

[about Johnson]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh, I've got a sweater around my shoulders, I'm not a corporate cocksucker, I'm a human being. Sure.

Johnson:
Just wanted to drop by and say "Have fun." Tonight should be a free-fire idea zone. Watch a DVD, eat some pizza, f*** each other. I'm serious. F*** a chicken if that's what it takes. Watch a chicken f***ing a horse. What? You think the guys who invented Google sat around watching Trumpton?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh, he is good. Taboo-busting, semi-incomprehensible pep talk.

[Jeremy agrees to Johnson's "real-life Indecent Proposal" in which he'll pay Jeremy ?530 to sleep with Big Suze]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Is this a terrible idea? It can't be, it's in a film. They wouldn't put a terrible idea in a film, they'd get sued.

[while Gerard is talking to him]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Tube up his nose, tube up his nose, he's a man with a tube up his nose.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] God, I only asked her to be a hooker, it's not like I wanted her to work in telesales.

Mark Corrigan:
You're following Johnson and Big Suze, aren't you? You're gonna do something disruptive, aren't you?

Jeremy Usborne:
No, no, God no. Maybe. Listen, I need to find Big Suze, there's no answer at her room.

Mark Corrigan:
Why do you even want to get back with her? She was really starting to annoy you.

Jeremy Usborne:
That was before we stopped going out.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh right, so now she's finished with you, suddenly you're in love with her again?

Jeremy Usborne:
Exactly. Duh! That's how love works, Mark.

Jeremy Usborne:
What do you see in Johnson?

Big Suze:
I just like him.

Jeremy Usborne:
Come on, is it because he's black?

Big Suze:
What? No! I hadn't even noticed.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, you're making a mistake, Suze, because he's terrible at being black. I'm a better black man than he is.

Big Suze:
That sounds almost...

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, Suze, being black isn't about the colour of your skin, it's about vibe, about hanging out, kicking back, smoking a number, fighting prejudice and negative stereotypes wherever you find them, yeah? I'm down with all that, is Johnson? I mean, what's Johnson done for black people lately?

Big Suze:
You mean, apart from his mentoring and his community work?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, apart from that.

[Big Suze has come along with Johnson and the lads to a lap dancing club]

Big Suze:
I've always wanted to come somewhere like this! I love the funny women taking their clothes off and you lot just gawping!

[Mark has been roped into getting a lap dance against his will]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh, great. Here we go. I'm just another cock getting wired into the global economy. Ugh, how should I look like? Bond-like neutrality, as though I'm so used to seeing real-life naked women? Or, don't want to be rude, smiling encouragement? That's not a leer is it? Got to avoid the leer at all costs, and the dribble. Oh God, she looks amazing. This really should not be allowed. This is what men want and we shouldn't be allowed to have it because it's horrible and it makes you feel sick. Oh great, now I'm getting an erection, how grimly predictable. When's the work gonna happen?

[he gets out his laptop]

Mark Corrigan:
I'm very sorry and you're a very attractive woman but I have got a helluva lot on, so...

Leah:
Do you want me to stop?

Mark Corrigan:
No, no, no, you go ahead, you're obviously very talented but I should just get with this.

Leah:
What are you writing?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, just a proposal, so...

Leah:
Well, you haven't written very much, have you?

[she carries on the dance]

Leah:
You should try and sum up all your aims in the first line.

Mark Corrigan:
Right, this is a very complex business proposal, so I really don't think you could sum up all the aims in one line.

Leah:
If you can't sum up all the aims in the first line, then they're too diffuse.

Mark Corrigan:
Look, my aims are not too f***ing diffuse, OK?

Leah:
Fine. Jesus! They just might be too diffuse that was all I was saying.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great, now I'm getting an angry lap dance, brilliant.

Sophie Chapman:
I sometimes wonder what I'm doing with Mark, getting married. I mean, whether he's really into me. And I have I lived enough? I've only slept with four men, is that enough?

Jeremy Usborne:
Four? Oh, yeah.

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
Jesus. I've had sex with more men than that and I basically only sleep with women.

[to Sophie]

Jeremy Usborne:
I mean, I might slip another one or two in, just to get your average up.

Sophie Chapman:
I don't know if I'm attractive enough to.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, you're attractive. You're a hottie, Soph. You're hot.

Sophie Chapman:
Ahh, that's nice, thanks Jez. You're pretty hot too.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, here's to being hot.

[they look into each other's eyes]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Sh*t, is this gonna happen? This is almost definetely a terrible idea. But I won't know for certain until I've actually done it.

[they kiss]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] No, I was right, that was a terrible idea. That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. Although, maybe actually screwing each other will kind of make it weirdly better...

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I feel so bad about betraying Mark. Still, another snog for Jez's snog book!

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Hiding out in a car park. He's not exactly Grizzly Adams, but it's a start.

Johnson:
Where's Mark? And what the hell are you doing here?

Jeremy Usborne:
I know my rights. I've spoken to my friends at the Citizens Advice Bureau. Pay up or I shall make a disturbance!

Johnson:
[getting out his wallet] OK, sure, fine, if it'll make you feel any better. Here, ?380. Cash. Will that do?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'll take it. And you know what? This means nothing to me. I haven't got a penny in the world, Suze, but this means nothing to me without you!

[he throws the money out of the window]

Jeremy Usborne:
There, you see? Now do you see? That's how I feel. Now will you go back out with me?

Big Suze:
Er, no, Jez. I'm just not really that into you.

Jeremy Usborne:
In that case... if you'll excuse me.

[he climbs out of the window]

Alan Johnson:
[to the board of executives] OK, Mark is now going to take you through details of Project Zeus.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Here I go. Palms dry, mouth dry, inter-buttock area moist. [to the board] So, integrating Sales and Marketing - Project Zeus. The bad news is... it doesn't work. But... look, big picture, so what? Maybe we shouldn't be in the credit business at all, maybe we should look at human rights or global warming. I mean, these are just ideas, but... where's the humanity? I suppose that's what I want to ask you today, if anything. Where is the humanity? [He puts his hand on Johnson's shoulder] Old friend.

[Johnson is very disappointed. The executives start talking amongst themselves]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Sh*t, I'm crashing and burning.

[He looks out the window at Sophie giving him the thumbs up]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] That stupid bloody hippy sold me down the river! Plan B. What is Plan B? [to the executives] Right, OK, you can stop the murmuring. Please... stop mumurming. Unless you think it's nice to murmur at someone who's... dying!

[Silence]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Did I just say that? I did just say that. [to the executives] Yup, that's right, I've got brain cancer. Half my brain's been eaten away already, probably, but I think I did a pretty decent job for a man with a brain tumour the size of a pineapple, who's gonna be dead with a month. [voiceover] Er... Plan C? Is there a Plan C?

[Mark pretends to feel a sudden pain in his head and sinks into a chair]

Mark Corrigan:
Ahh, my brain! My poor diseased brain!

Alan Johnson:
[Standing up] Yeah, I'd just like to assure everyone that Mr Corrigan will indeed be dead in a month.

Johnson:
Don't be alarmed, Mark, it's just Tai Chi. Take a seat and I'll just power through.

[Johnson swiftly finishes his moves and sits down]

Johnson:
It should take 45 minutes, I'm done in 10. Stick that up your dojo.

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm pulling your pants down, Mark.

Mark Corrigan:
F*** off! F*** off! F*** off, mate!

Johnson:
What this department needs is a kick up the arse so hard, my foot'll go right up your digestive tract and wiggle out your mouth like a little leather tongue.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Yeah, f*** carrot and stick. He's making the stick out of carrot. Jesus, he's good. Careful, there's man love and there's business love and never the twain shall meet.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Yeah, you won't be so cocky, Jeff, when I come into the office with a Kalashnikov and 200 rounds of ammunition. I'm probably exactly the kind of person who could end up doing something like that.

Mark Corrigan:
Dancing? Yes, dancing, I love dancing.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Because it makes me look like a coma victim being stood up and zapped with a cattle prod.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, I'm just in a very erotic relationship right now. I mean, we're systematically breaking down all the taboos that society has.

Mark Corrigan:
Right, and love? Romance? I mean, is there any romance in any of this at all?

Jeremy Usborne:
Who needs romance when you're doing it up the bum?

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly. Exactly my point. I mean, if you've actually done... that, which, by the way, I can see no point whatsoever in myself...

Jeremy Usborne:
You'd love to try it.

Mark Corrigan:
I honestly would not! What is this modern obsession with... that? Look, Jez, what I'm trying to say is, so, for better or for worse the 60s happened and now sex is fine. But can't we take the best of that, the nice music, the colours, the "I have a dream" etc., but not have to face the... squalor?

[Mark picks up his electric toothbrush]

Jeremy Usborne:
Er, you might want to give that a bit of a rinse, actually, mate.

[Nancy is blacking Jeremy up]

Jeremy Usborne:
Do I really have to do this?

Nancy:
What are you afraid of, Jeremy? All done.

Jeremy Usborne:
I dunno, it just feels almost... wrong.

Nancy:
We're breaking a taboo, of course it feels wrong. We've got boundaries to smash, Jeremy. It's our duty to God, Shiva, NASDAQ, whatever you want to call him.

Jeremy Usborne:
But are you sure this isn't racist?

Nancy:
Jeremy, I come from America, I've seen the problems race brings up. Now f*** me and pretend I'm your mom!

Jeremy Usborne:
What? Why?

Nancy:
You can't imagine your mom having sex with a black man? That's pretty racist, Jeremy.

Dance Class Leader:
Now, as we flow into yellow, remember, stop thinking. Let your body dance you.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Next she'll be telling us to use the Force. If you ask me, Skywalker was bloody lucky to get away with turning off his guidance system.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] God, it's so easy being a freak, no wonder they're ten a penny.

Mark Corrigan:
And we'd be exploring the miracles of flight and human endeavour, it's a spiritual thing, really.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, we are not going to RAF Duxford!

[At Gwyn's cabin, they're playing Spin the Bottle, it's Jeremy's turn and it's landed on Mark. But instead of opting to spin again they're both afraid of looking repressed in front of Nancy and Sophie, so now they're having kissing each other]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I can't believe this is happening. He doesn't even floss. I tell him, but he won't. Jesus, when can we stop?

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Don't stop first. If I don't mind looking gay, I'll seem the most hetero. At least it's Mark. Oh, Jesus, it's Mark!

[they jerk away from each other. Mark is freaked out, Jeremy is too but he is desparately trying to hide it]

Sophie Chapman:
Wow, Mark! Well done.

[she gives him a kiss]

Gwyn:
[picking up the bottle] OK, so, Nancy's on.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is probably how the Manson Family started.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I'm Louis Theroux. I'm Louis Theroux and his wry smile at the orgy.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Sure, an orgy sounds great, but you're basically just multiplying the number of people you're not going to be able to look in the eye afterwards.

[Sophie has caught Mark going into her email account]

Mark Corrigan:
Sophie, please! Don't! We have something special!

[pointing to his computer]

Mark Corrigan:
Not my words, yours! We can't throw that all away just because I... spy on you. Can we?

[Jeremy watches Nancy having sex with Gwyn under a blanket]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] This is good, this is like watching a porno, except I can't see anything, I haven't got a hard on and I want to cry.

Dancer:
There was a lot of new energy in the room tonight, and some of it was just so Rainbow Rhythms, and some of it was just so not Rainbow Rhythms. Thanks.

Mark Corrigan:
Why don't you just say who you're talking about? You're talking about me, aren't you?

Dancer:
Well, yes, alright, I am.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, listen, I'm sorry if I didn't do it right and I'm sorry if you assume that I eat red meat and don't necessarily think money or Tony Blair are a bad thing, but if there isn't room here for people who stand against everything you believe in, then what sort of a hippy free-for-all is this?

[Mark is attempting to hack into Sophie's email. He tries entering the name of her first pet]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Come on, Gerbil!

['WRONG PASSWORD' flashes up on screen]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ah, cock-knobs! All right, what's her favourite TV show? Sex and the City. S-A-T-C.

['WRONG PASSWORD' again]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Bollocks. Maybe she thinks it's Sex IN the City.

[it works]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Yes, I'm in! Bollocks to emoting, I've got my hands on her innards!

[Mark enters the hippyish dance class]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I've walked into my own personal nightmare. Must remain non-uptight for Sophie. Even if they make me play trust exercises with their genitals.

[as Jeremy dances he looks at the rest of the people in the class]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'm definitely the alpha-est male here. He's probably here for community service. He looks like he's actually getting a bonk on. I'm definitely king of the hippy jungle.

Dance Class Leader:
Take a partner. And with that partner, let the music take you into your primal self.

[Jeremy turns and for the first time sees Nancy, a beautiful young blonde girl]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Jesus Christ! She must be a tranny.

[he looks her up and down]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] She's no tranny!

[at the interpretive dance class]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Is this it? Is this what my Grandad died for? The freedom to do this? Jesus!

[Jeremy and Nancy are having sex]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Can't believe yesterday morning I was trying to jerk off to Toni's answerphone message. And this morning...

Nancy:
Oh, Jesus...

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.

Nancy:
Oh, Jesus... thank you for this experience.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah. Thanks, Jesus.

Mark Corrigan:
[knocking on Jeremy's bedroom door] Look, we've discussed this. Early in the morning counts as late at night and we agreed no reggae music late at night, so...

Jeremy Usborne:
[opens the door in a silk dressing gown, his erect penis is sticking out underneath] What?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, for God's sake, Jeremy! I can't talk to you with... that.

Jeremy Usborne:
What? Oh, for God's sake, Mark, we've both got one, haven't we?

Mark Corrigan:
Look, Jez, can you please just keep it quiet because some of us have jobs to go to.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, your job is going to the office, my job is having sex. Yeah? That's what I do now. That's what I am. I'm a sexer. OK?

Nancy:
Sorry, Mark, did we wake you? We were both coming so hard we didn't notice the volume.

Mark Corrigan:
An explanation. Finally. Thank you, Nancy. Thanks for the explanation.

[Mark has been hacking into Sophie's emails]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Probably shouldn't look again today. More than once every 4 hours would be obsessive.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh my life, it's a text from Elena! "Thinking of you." She's thinking of me, Mark! Or at least she was, six hours ago. With 3 kisses! Oh my God, this is massive, I'm going over there.

Mark Corrigan:
Don't be ridiculous. If text kisses were real kisses the world would be an orgy.

Jeremy Usborne:
[about Gail] I tried to kill her, Mark. I think I tried to bloody drown her.

Mark Corrigan:
What? But you rescued her. Why would you rescue her if you wanted to kill her.

Jeremy Usborne:
I was thinking "I want her to fall in" and she did fall in.

Mark Corrigan:
So? I wanted interest rates to fall to historic lows and they did, that doesn't make me the Governor of the Bank of England.

Jeremy Usborne:
Who knows what I'm capable of? I could kill anyone in this room with a pencil.

Mark Corrigan:
You really couldn't.

Jeremy Usborne:
God... I'm evil.

Mark Corrigan:
No Jez, the absolute worst thing anyone could say about you is that you were a selfish moral blank, whose lazy cynicism and sneering ironic take on the world encapsulates everything wrong with a generation, but you my friend are not evil.

[Mark is having a driving lesson]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great. I was hoping for a David Attenborough-type instructor, he's more of your chain-wanking ring-tone fanatic.

Driving Instructor:
What did you stall for?

Mark Corrigan:
Because I can't drive. That's why I'm having a driving lesson.

Driving Instructor:
All right, fine. Go again, easy on the clutch.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] He hasn't even told me which pedal is which! He's assuming an incredible degree of knowledge.

[Mark stalls again]

Driving Instructor:
Bloody hell, you are terrible.

Mark Corrigan:
I'm sorry, but I can't drive. Maybe in your career as a driving instructor you may get one or two pupils from failed states like Eritrea where they have no licensing infrastructure but basically already know how to drive, however I should warn you that the vast majority are going to be people like me, who can't drive.

Driving Instructor:
All right, keep your wig on.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] That's a retro put-down. Or maybe he thinks I really do wear a wig.

Sophie Chapman:
[talking about baby names] I was thinking Tarquin Oliver Nimrod.

[Mark bursts out laughing. Sophie doesn't laugh]

Mark Corrigan:
I... like it.

Sophie Chapman:
Why did you laugh?

Mark Corrigan:
I thought it was a joke.

Sophie Chapman:
You thought it was a joke but you like it?

Mark Corrigan:
Tarquin Oliver Nimrod? Come on, give the little bugger a chance.

[about Sophie]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She is a bit adorable, bit annoying. Right on the cusp.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] It's great being a wedding guest, you get to be an unpaid extra in the climatic scene of someone else's rom-com.

Mark Corrigan:
[driving] Please, Jeremy, I need you to guide, to advise. I don't even know about road signs. What does that one mean?

[it's the National Speed Limit sign]

Jeremy Usborne:
I don't know. Nobody knows. It doesn't matter, it's lost knowledge, like how the aliens did the pyramids.

Mark Corrigan:
Slaves did the pyramids, Jeremy. Thousands and thousands of slaves.

Jeremy Usborne:
God, you're depressing.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Don't blame me, blame Rameses II.

Jeremy Usborne:
[about Toni] She's like some kind of drug. Kind of like Ketamine but with nicer hair.

Super Hans:
So, you're all set, ain't ya? You, my friend, are a music studio reception runner now. Gets the women hot.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah?

Super Hans:
Oh yeah. It's a savage garden, my friend, a savage garden.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Shall I ask what he means?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Sh*t! I should have milked those blindies dry!

[Mark goes into Barbara's empty office]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Hey, Barbara. Thought we should have a follow-up meeting, re: the phones thing. Oh, you're not here. Well, I'll just leave my new idea in your desk, give you time to think about it. Yeah, so my new idea is urine.

[He urinates into a drawer]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Loads and loads of urine, flooding your drawers. What do you think about that? Don't you think that would be just the ticket?

[He sprays his urine on a folder on the floor]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Yeah, you're getting some too!

[a phone on the desk rings, Mark answers it]

Mark Corrigan:
JLB Credit. F*** off, please!

[He puts the phone down and picks up a letter lying on the desk]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] What? From Sophie? Application letter to...? She did it. She stiffed me. Well, Sophie's drawer's getting a dousing too! Or I could park a turd on her desk. Bit freaky. Pissing's OK, pissing's just horseplay.

Psychiatrist:
Often I like to kick things off with a bit of word association, it's kind of a fun way...

Mark Corrigan:
Is it therapy?

Psychiatrist:
Not really, no. I'll just say a word and you tell me the very first thing that pops into your mind.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] He's trying to therapise me.

Psychiatrist:
OK, let's start with an obvious one. Work.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Snake pit. [to psychiatrist] Snake charmer.

Psychiatrist:
Just say the first thing that comes to mind. Money.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Everything. [to psychiatrist] Not everything.

Psychiatrist:
Children.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Blind. [to psychiatrist] Er, short.

Psychiatrist:
Father.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] F?hrer. [to psychiatrist] Football.

Psychiatrist:
Mother.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Sophie. [to psychiatrist] F***! No, not f***.

Super Hans:
[after getting off the phone with the studio manager] Sorry, mate. Nothing I can do, you're out.

Jeremy Usborne:
Fired? But...

Super Hans:
Ron's a tough nut. I did everything I could.

Jeremy Usborne:
What? You didn't do sh*t!

Super Hans:
Earlier. Had the whole thing out with him earlier, I threatened to walk, he was having none of it.

Jeremy Usborne:
So, are you gonna walk now?

Super Hans:
Steady on, mate. I'm not Spartacus.

Jeremy Usborne:
That's pretty bloody obvious.

Jeremy Usborne:
[telling Mark about Super Hans and Toni] You see, he's not Lennon, but she is Yoko. I'm Lennon, but Yoko has off gone with Paul. I mean, imagine that, that's the scenario we're talking.

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, have you seen "Strangers on a Train"?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, sure. No one suspects the chef.

Mark Corrigan:
It's about these two guys who take care of each other's enemies.

Jeremy Usborne:
OK, right. And what happens in the end?

Mark Corrigan:
Uh, I can't remember. But I'm pretty sure it all turns out all right.

[Mark and Jeremy are crouching behind a bush in Sophie's back garden]

Mark Corrigan:
This is the ultimate!

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, siree. It's payback time. And she's paying back... in fear dollars!

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, so what are you gonna say?

Jeremy Usborne:
[Dialling Sophie's number on his mobile phone] I thought I might just say I'm gonna cut her up and leave her in buckets.

Mark Corrigan:
What? No! You... don't say that! Jesus, that's horrible! Just say something like... ask "Is Mrs Hugh Jass there?" No, no, not that, she's got a thing about her bum. Uh, how about Mike Hunt? No, no...

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I've made a psycho call to the woman I love, I've kicked a dog to death, and now I'm going to pepper spray an acquaintance. Something... I mean, what's happened to me?

Jeremy Usborne:
Call yourself a mate, mate?

Super Hans:
What?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh yeah, right, "What?". I saw you leave her flat this morning.

Super Hans:
She wanted bongo lessons. What can I say, the lady has a passion for percussion.

Jeremy Usborne:
She hasn't got a bongo, you weren't carrying a bong... there was no bongo.

Super Hans:
Look, you don't need a drum to teach someone...

Jeremy Usborne:
Look mate, I'm next door, I heard you, your... noise, last night.

Super Hans:
Oh that, that was nothing, that was... press-ups.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, well, you certainly seemed to enjoy the last few a lot.

Super Hans:
Hey mate, sometimes you've really got to push for the burn.

Toni:
Do I look like the kind of person who eats pizza?

Toni:
Jeremy, we're two single people having a great time. If you can't handle that, then go back to the 50s.

Super Hans:
Yeah. Yeah, maybe you should make a move, mate.

Jeremy Usborne:
OK, yeah, mate. I'll make a move, how about this for a move?

[he grabs Mark's hand holding the pepper spray and sprays it into Super Hans's eyes]

Super Hans:
AHH! Ah, f*** me!

[Jeremy starts kicking him]

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, that's enough! Jez, there's no need to...

[he sprays the pepper spray in Jeremy's face]

Jeremy Usborne:
AGGHH! Arghh, you f***ing sprayed me! You f***ing sprayed me!

Mark Corrigan:
It's for your own good!

[Jeremy is visiting his terminally ill uncle in a hospice]

Jeremy Usborne:
Good to see you, Uncle Ray. What have you been up to?

Uncle Ray:
Well, mostly I've been lying in bed taking painkillers.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right. Cool.

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
Jesus, that wasn't a very friendly joke. At least I came.

[while kissing Sophie]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh my God, um... What about my abnormal knackers? Oh this is nice. How weird are they? What I really need is a good long look at another man's bollocks, but that's so fraught with potential problems.

[Mark is having his testicles examined by a nurse]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh, I hope I don't... no leaping to attention, Captain Corrigan. I mean, anyone would say she's an attractive woman. She should have to wear a mask for this kind of thing. Reagan or Batman or... actually she'd look pretty horny as Batman... Jesus, no, don't!

Sophie Chapman:
Moments like this really make you realise how short life is, you know?

Mark Corrigan:
Right. One minute we're alive, the next we're dead.

Sophie Chapman:
Sometimes, we're so wrapped up in the nonsense of life.

Mark Corrigan:
Right, yeah. I mean, if I want an Xbox, why don't I just get an Xbox?

Jeremy Usborne:
[speaking at his uncle's funeral] Uh, yeah, I spent some time with Ray before he went and I just wanted to say that I think we should all remember that Ray, by the end, he loved Jesus. Now, I know, Liz, there's no proof for Jesus, but then there's no proof for lots of things, like science or the stock market and we believe in them. Look, what I'm trying to say is that if I was dying and I decided that even though I'd never particularly been into, say, Enya before but that now I really, really was into Enya and that in fact, I thought Enya was great and that Enya died for our sins and I wanted an Enya themed funeral with pictures of Enya and lots and lots of mentions of Enya, then I think it would be a bit bloody rich for my sister to ban all mention of Enya from my funeral. Yeah?

Toni:
My dad died when I was 3 but I haven't let it screw me up. I don't waste my life looking for a man to fill a dad-shaped hole.

[she opens her front door to meet her date, a silver-haired middle-aged man]

[Jeremy has gotten Toni to give him a handjob by pretending he's been diagnosed with a terminal illness]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh, I am gonna feel so low just as soon as this is over.

Super Hans:
[delivering his wedding vows] I'm getting married, and I would punch in the throat anyone who tried to stop me. That is how I feel today, Molly. So suffused with love, I'd put a glass in the face of anyone who tried to stop us joining our souls together. I'd hospitalise them.

[Mark has just finished a gym session with his new personal trainer]

Matt Townsend:
Well done today, dude. You slacked off a bit on the treadmill at end. Remember, Mark, a champion is someone who gets up even when they can't. OK?

Mark Corrigan:
OK, yeah. [voiceover] That's probably exactly the kind of bullshit I'm going to need to believe in my new life.

[Mark has declined to take a shower, telling Matt that he'll have one at home where has a special showering "system"]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ugh, that was horrible. Now he probably thinks I'm embarrassed about the size of my penis. When in fact I'm not, I'm much more concerned about my misshapen scrotum.

Jeremy Usborne:
We should get together, you know, have a drink, reminisce.

Nancy:
About what? The time you screwed the next-door neighbour right after I moved in?

Jeremy Usborne:
Or the good times? You know, the Robin Williams DVD marathon?

Nancy:
Come off it, Jez. You said he was a moist-eyed camera-hogger.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh come on, mate. How am I going to see Nancy again if you don't give me a pass? She clearly hates me.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, maybe you should take that as a sign.

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm not giving up that easily. Faint heart never won fair maid.

Mark Corrigan:
Right. The epigram that starts the stalker's manifesto.

Nancy:
Look Jez, I'm not going to get back with you. But, if we're working together I guess we may as well try and be friends.

Jeremy Usborne:
Exactly. We'll be friends, like the friends on "Friends"!

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
Who were such good friends they got bored of being friends and starting screwing each other.

[Jeremy has agreed to tell Matt that Nancy fancies him]

Nancy:
Thanks! You're awesome, Jez.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh yeah, I'm awesome all right, I'm an awesome sh*t. I'm the cuckoo in the nest, the python in the toy box... and quite possibly, the man of your dreams.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Maybe it would have been simpler just to kill him. I should know how to kill someone by now, I've watched enough CSI.

Mark Corrigan:
Haven't you got work in the morning?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh yeah, that's really gonna break his balls if I roll in an hour late. Mark, this is Russell Orgazoid, he's a creative, I'm a creative. We don't make steam engines out of pig iron in this country anymore, yeah? We hang out, we f*** around on the Playstation, we have some Ben & Jerry's, that's how everyone makes their money now, yeah?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh my God. There she is, lovely Sally Slater. I should speak to her. But what the hell can I say? Anything that doesn't mention I masturbate over her memory is probably good. I mean, I think that's a compliment but women just don't seem to want to hear it. No, just spend the evening looking longingly at her from a distance, just like the good old days.

Mark Corrigan:
So, have you got kids?

Foz:
Not yet. Why?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, no reason. I mean, I love kids. Not in a bad way, in a nice way. I mean, I'm not on the Child Protection Register... yet. Which proves I'm not a paedo! [voiceover] This is going horribly. Need a joke. [to Foz and Sally] Either that or I'm an incredibly hard-to-detect paedo! [voiceover] Just move on from the paedo area entirely!

[Mark has just called Sally]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great call. Flirty but friendly, didn't overstep the mark. I could show Sophie the transcript. Maybe I should start taping my phone calls. No, Mark, that's how they got Nixon!

Jeremy Usborne:
What's going on? Are you trying to get your end away while Sophie's not here?

Mark Corrigan:
Sophie has not called me once yet, so there is actually a perfectly valid excuse for what I'm almost certainly not going to try to do, OK?

Jeremy Usborne:
OK, if Sally was sitting here now and she said "Mark, let's do it" what would you say?

Mark Corrigan:
If she promised she wasn't a Glenn Close type and happened to have a recent clean AIDS certificate?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes.

Mark Corrigan:
That's a hypothetical question. I don't answer hypothetical questions.

Jeremy Usborne:
You're disgusting. But I like it. It's like going to a strip joint with the Pope.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] What do you do to avoid lion attack? Soil yourself? Or is that grizzly bears? Hate to sh*t myself for no reason *and* get eaten. The final humiliation.

[Jeremy has told Mark that his job working as a Handyman for Russell "The Orgazoid" involves giving him handjobs]

Jeremy Usborne:
And now I don't know what to do, cos on the one hand... On the one hand it's a really good job, but on the other I don't really want to go back to that place or have anything to do with him.

Mark Corrigan:
God, that's a really tough decision.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Stay! Stay so I can use the house!

Jeremy Usborne:
I got Super Hans to fill in yesterday, said I was sick. There's loads needs doing before he comes back but I just feel a bit dirty, you know?

Mark Corrigan:
Mmm, yeah, I know what you mean, I feel the same sometimes when I come back from JLB and I've had to do loads of spreadsheets.

Jeremy Usborne:
I don't think it is the same, Mark. I feel like my soul is being chipped away bit by bit.

Mark Corrigan:
Welcome to the world of work, Jeremy. You know, you don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps.

Jeremy Usborne:
And you don't have to be a smackhead to wank off old geezers but that probably helps too.

[the doorbell rings. Jeremy answers it - it's Super Hans]

Super Hans:
Why didn't you tell me about the wanking-off bit?

Jeremy Usborne:
Sorry, I didn't think.

Super Hans:
Well, you should have bloody thought. Jesus!

Jeremy Usborne:
Did you do it?

Super Hans:
Course I did. How do you think I got these trainers?

Nancy:
What's going on? Who's wanking who off?

Super Hans:
Jeremy's been wanking off this bloke for cash.

Jeremy Usborne:
No, I haven't! It's not...

Nancy:
[smiling] Jeremy, that is so you! I always knew you'd end up doing something like that.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] What am I doing? This isn't me, I can't have an affair! I'm not French, I'm the least French person on the planet, my favourite cheeses are Cheddar and Red Leicester!

Jeremy Usborne:
I mean, you've been as high as it's possible to go.

Russell:
Well, yeah, yeah, I suppose I have.

Jeremy Usborne:
And you've been as low as it's possible to get.

Russell:
Yeah, yeah, I have.

Jeremy Usborne:
And what's it like when you're up that high?

Russell:
Ha, it's incredible!

Jeremy Usborne:
And what's it like when you're down that low?

Russell:
Ah, it's terrible, it's horrible.

Jeremy Usborne:
And what's it like when you're in the middle?

Russell:
It's, you know, it's fine.

[Mark and Jeremy are having a stag weekend on a canal boat]

Mark Corrigan:
So good to just get away.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh yeah. The Stag Aquatic. So, come on, let's max out the engine a bit, tear it up.

Mark Corrigan:
Actually this is almost top speed.

[the boat is only going a few miles per hour]

Jeremy Usborne:
What if we hit trouble?

Mark Corrigan:
I don't think we're going to hit trouble on the Shropshire Union Canal, Jeremy.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right, but this is just it? This is totally it? There's not gonna be any waves or mad sh*t?

Mark Corrigan:
No.

Jeremy Usborne:
Can I water-ski off the back?

Mark Corrigan:
You're very welcome to try!

Jeremy Usborne:
Jesus. Well, let's stop here then and go for a drink.

Mark Corrigan:
Jez, it's 10 in the morning!

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, what else are we gonna do? Just sit here, freezing our nuts off, talking to each other? I mean, what the hell are we gonna talk about?

Mark Corrigan:
I dunno... stuff, banter, chat. Isn't that what you had in mind when you organised this thing?

Jeremy Usborne:
Sure. Yeah. S'pose. So how do you feel now the wedding's back on track?

Mark Corrigan:
Not that.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh right, not that! Well, what then? I can't think of anything to say, you start.

Mark Corrigan:
[looks around then points at something] Hey, is that a kingfisher?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, for God's sake! If we're gonna talk, let's talk about something proper, like films.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ugh, films. Another hour of my life gone trying to explain to him what The Matrix is.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] This weekend is gonna be one massive dry hump. Maybe the pressure will build to the point where we actually try to f*** each other.

[They're playing chess in the canal boat]

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh come on, let's get out of here. It's doing our nuts in. Let's go and get you some sweet punani action.

Mark Corrigan:
I don't want sweet punani action, I want to take your bishop and grind you down.

[Jeremy and Mark, with their yards of ale, have joined Aurora and Lucy]

Jeremy Usborne:
What can I get you two? How about a foot a wine?

Lucy:
Can I get a metre of vodka...

[to Mark, with a flirty look]

Lucy:
with an inch of tonic?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Come on, Mark! Turn it on, play the game!

[to Lucy]

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, uh, naughty, you've combined metric and imperial, you might get an interdenominational... you know, from mixing the two measurement systems, a hangover of that kind.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Just stay mute, Mark. You're a social freak. Remain in your compound.

Aurora:
So, that's great you're in a band. What's it called?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, right now we're called Various Artists, just to f*** over people with iPods. We think it'll set us back two or three years, which is cool.

[Mark wakes up to find Jeremy is already driving the boat, following the two sisters on their boat]

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, this is a new one, water-stalking.

[Mark is trying to talk his way into a job managing a call centre in India for the sisters' father, when suddenly Lucy starts stroking his thigh]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh my God, I've entered an interview situation, and there's a hand near my cock! This is like that dream I had about Alan Sugar and The Badger.

[Jeremy is driving Aurora's dad's Range Rover Sport while smoking a joint]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] God, look at me drive. I'm Clarkson!

[the car makes a grinding noise]

Aurora:
Are you sure it's OK to put in unleaded? We always normally do diesel.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh trust me, these babies run on anything.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh God, I think I love her. I think I'm falling in love... or getting a bone-on, which is basically the same thing when you get rid of all the Valentine cards and bullshit.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh yeah, pissed and stoned in a gas-guzzler. This is the life. Already given a quid to Greenpeace this year so I'm golden.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh yeah, this is cool. Just don't think about the dead dog. If I don't think about it, there's always a chance it didn't happen.

Aurora:
Let's roll, cowboy. Where's Mummy?

Jeremy Usborne:
Mummy?

Aurora:
Yeah, I let her out for a piss.

Jeremy Usborne:
Are you sure she was with us?

Aurora:
Jeremy, she was on the back seat.

Jeremy Usborne:
She must have run off.

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
Except she defintely hasn't because I'm carrying her around in this bag.

Aurora:
She never just runs off.

Jeremy Usborne:
She is a wild animal. You know, the call of the wild. She might have become leader of a pack of foxes or...

Aurora:
Jez, it's Mummy. We're not just leaving her.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Why did I put her in the bag? I should have thrown her like a discus.

Aurora:
[trying to call the dog] Mum-meee! Come on, Jeremy.

Jeremy Usborne:
[half-heartedly] Mummy.

Aurora:
Mum-meee!

Jeremy Usborne:
Mummy.

Aurora:
Oh God, I don't what I'd do if I lost her!

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Well, you're very close to finding out.

Mark Corrigan:
The bin's for household waste, not beloved pets, et cetera!

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, if I can just get rid of the dog corpse, there's a chance I still might get laid here.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh right, this is sort of like a disgusting version of The Great Egg Race!

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, there are many things I would do to help you, but digging a hole in the wintry earth with my bare hands so that you can bury the corpse of a dog you've killed is not one of them.

[Jeremy is still trying to dispose of the dead dog]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'll just take it to one of those massive council bins. Dump and run. Just like my paperboy days.

[chuckles]

Jeremy Usborne:
Screw you, Murdoch.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Urgh, more data entry tonight. I guess the only good thing is that my life is so boring it feels like it might go on forever.

[Mark and Sophie are having a session with a relationship counsellor]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh great! So I'll spending ?1 a minute to hear how sh*t I am at sex. Now that's value for money!

Jeremy Usborne:
Here, Mark, I'll tell you what, you piss in this bottle, I'll drink it.

Mark Corrigan:
What? What the hell for?

Jeremy Usborne:
For a laugh, it's the stag!

Mark Corrigan:
No Jez, if you drank my piss, I'd feel violated.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, that is great. You wouldn't even let me drink your piss? I'm not trying to kiss you, Mark. It's liquid waste.

Mark Corrigan:
I'm sorry, but no.

Jeremy Usborne:
You wouldn't let me drink your piss?

Mark Corrigan:
Why would you even want to drink my piss?

Jeremy Usborne:
For a laugh!

Mark Corrigan:
What the hell made you think of that?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm just bored, OK! I'd let you drink my piss.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, thank you very much.

Jeremy Usborne:
[driving the boat] Warp Factor three please, Scotty!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh great, I'm Scotty. He's off cross-breeding with the beautiful aliens and I'm stuck down in the engine room with the probably cancer-emitting fuel cells.

[Hans is in the kitchen smoking crack]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] God, what is he taking? Better not disturb him, he might attack me and be sick.

Mark Corrigan:
Er, Jeremy!

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

Mark Corrigan:
What's Hans doing?

Jeremy Usborne:
He's honking on his crack pipe.

Mark Corrigan:
Crack! I've got company.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh relax. "Oh I'm Mark, I'm in the eighties, I'm dying of heroin in a puddle in the corner in an advert." Drugs are fine, Mark, everyone agrees now. Drugs are what happen to people and that's fine, so shut up.

Jeremy Usborne:
[On finishing recording at studio] Brilliant, fantastic! What did you think Hans?

Super Hans:
Crack. Just gimme crack.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well I loved it.

[Begins to exit studio]

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, don't just go...

Super Hans:
I'll suck for crack!

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeh, c'mon Super Hans, let's get you some crack.

[They're trying to threaten Gog into giving them their money]

Super Hans:
Nice packet of Crunchy Nut you got here. Pretty expensive, as I recall.

[he pours the cereal onto the floor]

Jeremy Usborne:
[brandishing baseball bat at Gog] Not so rich and successful now with a piece of wood in your face, hmm?

Mark Corrigan:
Look, Jeremy, we can come back again, he's got the message. You're gonna pay, aren't you?

Gog:
No.

Mark Corrigan:
All right then, we've got our answer. Let's go!

Super Hans:
We've got to hurt him on principle. Hit him with the f***ing bat, Jez.

Jeremy Usborne:
Why do I have to? Why don't you do it? Punch him with the glove.

Super Hans:
[holding up his hand wearing a baseball glove] Punch him? I can't even make a fist!

Mark Corrigan:
This is the whole point about contract law, the whole point of a contract is to make sure this kind of thing never happens!

[Mark and his new friend Darryl are horsing around in the JLB Credit offices instead of working]

Darryl:
I'm Barnes Wallis, you're the Ruhr!

[Darryl pushes a load of empty water cooler containers down the stairs at Mark. They throw scrunched up pieces of paper at each other, laughing]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I'm the Ruhr! And no one's actually said the word "Dambusters"! This is bloody brilliant! I'm having fun! And I'm not thinking about Sophie!

[Mark is being questioned by Johnson about the sausage that was pinned to Ian Krauss' office door]

Johnson:
It's very embarrassing. And since Ian Krauss is of German extraction, it has to be treated as a racial incident.

Mark Corrigan:
Ian's a...? A racial incident? But why?

Johnson:
Oh come on, Mark. Germans? Sausages? Do I have to spell it out? The sausage-munching Boche. Fritz, the bratwurst guzzler.

Mark Corrigan:
Of course. Horrible.

Darryl:
And they're treating it as a racial incident? Bloody hell, next you won't be able to get a black coffee from the coffee machine.

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly! And they'll have a bloody EU banana-straightening machine to straighten all the bananas!

Darryl:
Hey, there's already a banana-straightening machine, it's called woman.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh God, I'm even boring when I'm a Nazi.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] It's OK, he doesn't have any feelings. Racists don't have feelings, they're subhuman.

Jeremy Usborne:
Aren't we supposed to be living in a multicultural democracy? And isn't that the point? You know, the Jews, the Muslims and the racists all living together happily side by side, doing and saying whatever the hell they like?

Mark Corrigan:
[speaking to Darryl over the intercom from the recording booth] Darryl, listen, the truth is... I can't be associated with you anymore because you're a racist.

Darryl:
What? But I thought we were on the same wavelength. You know, the sausage, the Euro, Clarkson.

Mark Corrigan:
There's a difference, Darryl, you can't hate people because of their ethnic background!

Darryl:
Oh right, political correctness gone mad.

Mark Corrigan:
No, I hate political correctness gone mad more than anyone! I don't want to teach the world to sing, that would be horrible, but slavery? The Holocaust? That's just not on! Whereas, "I have a dream", South Africa, Benetton... you've got to say... "Fair enough", yeah?

Darryl:
Yeah. OK, no. Fair enough. You've talked me round.

Mark Corrigan:
I have?

Darryl:
F*** off. Thought police.

Jeremy Usborne:
Hans, you realise we've only got 39 minutes left?

Super Hans:
Oh right, so now we're "working" it's not OK for me to smoke my crack?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, exactly! Exactly!

Super Hans:
What, so next you're gonna boot me out for not wearing a jacket and tie?

Super Hans:
Tell you what, that crack is really more-ish.

Toni:
So, stop all the clocks, Tony and Toni are getting remarried!

Tony:
And sure, we made a few mistakes the first time round but now we've the chance to make them all over again!

Toni:
Already he starts with the jokes. At least one of us is serious about actually giving this a f***ing go!

[she flounces off]

Gog:
What I want is something classic. You remember the theme tune from Jaws? Well, I don't want anything like that, obviously. I want something completely different. I want something that, when people hear it, they'll immediately go "Yeah."

Jeremy Usborne:
Right.

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
What shall I write? Can't just put "Not Jaws". Do pretend writing.

[he scribbles on his notepad]

Gog:
Are you pretending to write?

Jeremy Usborne:
Why did you have to bring Darryl? He's a bit... boring, isn't he?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, boring? What, because he doesn't go around with... a haircut and an iPod and... piercings and a... strap-on?

Jeremy Usborne:
Strap-on?

Mark Corrigan:
It's an example.

Super Hans:
What we really need to do is create a powerful sense of dread.

[he presses a key on his keyboard and holds it, playing a deep bass note]

Super Hans:
See, the longer the note, the more dread.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] God, that's terrible. It's worse than Darryl's bloody cor anglais. Oh, they're useless. I wish they were all robots. I wish I was a robot. Maybe I could punch through a wall.

Jeremy Usborne:
How are you feeling, Super Hans?

Super Hans:
Fine. Totally fine.

Mark Corrigan:
You've kicked the crack?

Super Hans:
No, except now I bang a load of Valium up me arsehole for the comedown.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Hasn't got a girlfriend so he buys a new sofa. You can't f*** a sofa, mate, take it from me.

Jeremy Usborne:
I mean, there weren't any jobs when I didn't want a job, and now I do want a job, there are like, totally no jobs. Not just like, there aren't any jobs, but like, there are totally, quite literally no jobs.

Super Hans:
You should just a get a van. With a van it's like you've got an MBA, but you've also got a f***ing van! You're not just a man anymore, you are a man with a van. You get a van, Jez, we could be men with ven.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, so you'll just be following the cold-calling script.

Jeremy Usborne:
There's a script? So I'll be like, an actor?

Mark Corrigan:
[deadpan] Exactly, Jeremy, you'll be just like an actor, like Al Pacino or Jeremy Irons. Just tell everyone you call up "Hello, you've been specially selected as eligible for our exclusive introductory interest rate."

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, no, not everyone, cos if it's exclusive, then...

[the realisation dawns on him]

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh my God. It's wheels within wheels. I've been invited inside, with the bean counters and the water boarders.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] At some point he's going to find out what goes in sausages.

[Johnson has announced that everyone has been made redundant and has fled in a new chauffeur-driven BMW 7 Series]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] The last Beemer out of Saigon. I'm at the mercy of the Vietnamese peasants. Please don't put me in a bamboo cage.

Dobby:
Hey, guess what!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] You love me and you to want to move to Norway?

Dobby:
Pete heard we're in profit, the German outfit's the one that's tanking, but Strauss is closing up the UK to save the mothership.

Mark Corrigan:
Jesus! You're kidding, is that true?

Dobby:
Dunno, it might be one of those rumours you get after disasters, like, did you know no one with an Apple Mac died on 9/11?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Boss of the JLB Survivors. Yes! Probably a lot of organisations got started to bag p*ssy for their leaders. Charles Manson and his family, Henry VIII and the Church of England.

[about the baby Sophie is pregnant with]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Of course it'll be a boy, and he'll be just like me. It'll be like going through it all again, the PE hell, the stolen packed lunch, having to do a little dance and sing "I'm a gaylord" to the tune of Like a Virgin, although obviously the tune will be different in 11 years time.

Jeremy Usborne:
Elena is my one true soulmate.

Mark Corrigan:
It's remarkable, isn't it, that out of the 3 billion adult women in the world, your one true soulmate happens conveniently to live in the same block of flats as you, rather than, say, in a village in Mozambique?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Good old Dobby. The anxious, self-hating man's crumpet. But probably best if I never, ever say that to her.

Mark Corrigan:
Why does everything have to be fun to be worthwhile? "Crick and Watson have discovered the Double Helix", "Did they do it on a skateboard?", "No", "Well, f*** off then, I'm not interested."

Mark Corrigan:
Jez, mate, big problem.

Jeremy Usborne:
Balls again?

Mark Corrigan:
No, not my balls. Dobby's taken back her boss's laptop and I don't think I cleaned off the... that porn you recommended.

Jeremy Usborne:
I didn't recommend it. I'm not Time Out.

Mark Corrigan:
Yes, you did, you gave it five stars.

Jeremy Usborne:
And you didn't wipe it?

Mark Corrigan:
I don't remember. I might have.

Jeremy Usborne:
Always wipe, Mark. "Discharge your pipe, then have a wipe." That's the rhyme.

Mark Corrigan:
Anyway if I was wondering if, if you could say, if Dobby does find it, that it was you who was looking at the porn?

Jeremy Usborne:
No.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh come on, Jez. It's going really well again with Dobby, I don't need this, and Christ, if Jan finds out, I'm dead, tidy hair or no tidy hair. I just want you to... take a wank bullet for me.

Jeremy Usborne:
I don't want to take another wank bullet. What am I, some kind of wank shield?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, right. I see. So you'll take a wank bullet for Elena but you won't for me. Ten minutes with her is worth more than ten years with me. Well, I think we can count our friendship pretty much over from now on.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, don't be a cock.

Mark Corrigan:
I'm not a cock. But the cock has certainly crowed. Thrice.

Jeremy Usborne:
When? What are you talking about?

Mark Corrigan:
It means you've betrayed... it's the New Testament. You cock.

Mark Corrigan:
[comes into the lounge with an empty tub of Ben & Jerry's] Recognize this, Jeremy? I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost and look what I found inside!

[he holds up a post-it note and reads it out]

Mark Corrigan:
"Look, I know what you think happened and yes, you're right, I have eaten all your ice cream." This is it. This is the line, you have crossed the line.

Jeremy Usborne:
Read the mitigating circumstances, there are loads.

Mark Corrigan:
[pointing at his plate of sausages and mash] A sausage has gone! Oh my God, Jeremy, a sausage is missing! Is this what it's come to? I've got to carry my food around with me now to stop you from... Right, well, I'm sorry, you've driven me to this!

[he goes to the table and starts writing a list]

Jeremy Usborne:
What are you doing?

Mark Corrigan:
I'm making a list of all household items that you have permission to consume.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, for God's sake.

Mark Corrigan:
Toilet paper, OK. Soap, OK, but not shower gel. And no razors, if you're poor, grow a beard. Tea bags are allowed, within limits.

Jeremy Usborne:
Limits? What limits?

Mark Corrigan:
No making a pie out of tea or anything weird.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, Mark, lay off, will you? The thing is, and I keep meaning to tell you this, but basically, a few years ago Mummy gave me a nest egg and I kept on meaning to invest but it turns out I've spent it.

Mark Corrigan:
You ate your nest egg? You're meant to sit on your nest egg til it hatches, not eat it like some greedy, mad chicken. Well, the solution's obvious. Get a job.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, fine, whatever, but it's difficult, you know? There just aren't that many media positions out there. That's the reality.

Mark Corrigan:
So? Do something else, get on your bike.

Jeremy Usborne:
I can't believe you're trying to make me get a job not in the media. You're such a bastard.

Mark Corrigan:
You have to pay rent, Jeremy, that needs to happen.

[Jeremy picks up another sausage from Mark's plate]

Mark Corrigan:
Put the sausage back. I'm deadly serious. You never pay any rent, if you start stealing from me as well, that it, you'll have to move out. This is the final straw.

[Jeremy eats the sausage]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Mmm, delicious Cumberland final straw, dripping in onion gravy.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ugh, speed dating, that was horrible. No one else seemed to mind, maybe this is the future, three minute date, three minute f***, three minute marriage.

[at a sperm bank]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Right, time to open my sticky bank account. Hey, where the porn? No porn? Am I supposed to just dry hump myself? Must be something I can use.

[he takes out a crumpled ?20 note and looks at the image of the Queen printed on it]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Would it be wrong? Why not? It's a free country.

[he undoes his jeans and starts to masturbate]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] OK Queenie, it's back in the 50s, you're nice and young, you've just been coronated, I'm taking off your cloak... No, leave the crown on. Ooh, what's this? Stockings? You've been getting through your nylon ration book pretty quicky, you naughty, sexy Queen!

[he drops the note]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh sh*t.

[he picks it up]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Right, here we...

[he's now looking at the other side, with the moustachioed face of Edward Elgar printed on it]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh... Elgar? Oh, I've totally lost it now. Thanks a bunch, Elgar!

[Mark's new flatmate Saz and her two mates are getting drunk and being rowdy. Sophie has just come round, she and Mark are in the kitchen swapping the stuff they've left round each other's places]

Saz:
[shouting from the lounge] Hey Mark, get back in here so Lindsey can jerk you off!

Sophie Chapman:
What?

Mark Corrigan:
No one's going to jerk me off, Sophie, it's just a stupid joke.

Saz:
I'm not the one that's going to jerk you off, she's the one that's going to jerk you off!

Mark Corrigan:
Please, carry on.

Sophie Chapman:
Are you trying to humiliate me?

Mark Corrigan:
What? No, God, no.

Saz:
Hey Marrrk... come and put your tongue up Lindsey's arsehole, it's clean!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Money might not buy you love, but apparently a furnished flat can get you a reasonable simulation.

[after a meeting where Mark accidentally clamped a bullclip onto his lip]

Jeff Heaney:
Perhaps it would be better if you left the self-harming for the weekend, mate.

[he laughs]

Dobby:
[doing a sarcastic little song while dancing a little jig] Jeff's doing a joke, Jeff's doing a joke, everybody quiet cos Jeff's doing a joke.

[awkward silence]

Jeff Heaney:
Freak.

Tash:
Mark Corrigan. We've collated all your ticks and crosses with all the girls' ticks and crosses.

Mark Corrigan:
Ah, the results are in. What does the swingometer say?

Tash:
Well, I'm afraid you've got no matches for dating.

Mark Corrigan:
What? None? But number 23 said she was definitely going to tick, that's a verbal contract!

Tash:
Well, maybe you could take her to court.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, speeding dating, I'd be better off speed skating!

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Doesn't really work, but she gets the point.

Cally:
So, I checked out your stuff on MySpace and I literally freaked, big time.

Jeremy Usborne:
[to Super Hans] Yeah, see? I was so right to get us on the internet. The internet's gonna be massive, I keep telling you.

Super Hans:
Yeah, we'll see.

Cally:
It's so frustrating. There must be thousands of cash-rich and time-poor singles out there, I just don't have the time to meet them. I'm a gap in the market, somebody fill me!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I'll fill you! I love you, Cally, you are the One! Let's get married by Sir Alan Sugar and live off all-butter croissants in Canary Wharf!

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm playing the Wolverhampton Festivus? Oh my God, Mark, I'm in the money! Everything's gonna be all right, I AM gonna be a legend! And you and all of this depressing sh*t will just be a little footnote in the massive biog of how rich and f***ed up I eventually became!

Jeremy Usborne:
[looking at some DVDs Hans has brought] What's those, something a bit red hot for downtime?

Super Hans:
Don't pigeonhole me, dude. Barchester Chronicles. Ecclesiastical politics when you're high. These guys really knew how to do a f***ing number on each other.

Jeremy Usborne:
[telling Mark he can come with him and Super Hans on the tour] But, no, Mark. We're going on tour. We're gonna get f***ed up and monged out and messed up and dicked over.

Super Hans:
We wanna wallow in our own filth, Mark. Have a good old f***ing wallow.

Mark Corrigan:
But I've bought a tour jacket especially, it's leather and it has lapels so I can wear it to work.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, if you start working for the Gestapo. Look, man, we're a rock band, yeah? If people see us hangin' out with a doink like you, not being rude...

Mark Corrigan:
You are being rude.

Jeremy Usborne:
Then that takes away a hell of a lot of our credibility.

Super Hans:
You've got a bloody suitcase on wheels. Real men don't get the Earth to help carry their luggage, mate. They carry it themselves.

Jeremy Usborne:
This is because of Cally, isn't it? That's why you want to come. You're trying to have a pop at the champ

Mark Corrigan:
No, not at all. I've always been a big supporter of you and your music. Please, Jez, I'm getting divorced, I need something to pep me up.

Super Hans:
I could do with a roadie. Someone to pick the lovelies after the gig. Hump the gear. Sniff out the street chat.

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly. Drugs, birds and physical labour. Them's me specialties.

Jeremy Usborne:
Alright, you can come, but, all the time while we're on tour, you will need to SHUT UP. Alright?

Cally:
[describing to Mark what sex with him and Jeremy is like] He's like a Red Setter bounding after a tennis ball. You're like a captain going solemnly down with his ship.

Mark Corrigan:
You see the thing is... I don't think I've ever done sex right before.

Jeremy Usborne:
You're fine, mate. Just stick with missionary. You're a sexual civilian, leave the disgusting stuff to me.

Mark Corrigan:
Cally's teaching me. She gives me a second-by-second detailed instructions of what to put where for how long.

Jeremy Usborne:
That's cheating! Anyone can please a woman if she tells you what to do. You're not allowed to ask, that's the whole point!

Mark Corrigan:
Look, if I break up with her I don't see myself having good sex ever again. Unless I'm, like, going on holiday to Hawaii and the plane crashes and all my fellow survivors are women sex therapists on their way to a conference. And even then, there'll probably be loads of male sex therapists too and they'd love that, wouldn't they, all f***ing each other and giving each other tips while I sit on a rock, wanking and crying.

[Jeremy has started mimicking Mark]

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, we agreed not to do the funny voices after *that* week.

Mark Corrigan:
Not wanting to be horrible to Jeremy, but Super Hans did seem more like the kind of person you'd expect to see in a band like this.

Cally:
[nodding] He's f***able.

Mark Corrigan:
I'm sorry?

Cally:
It's an industry term. It means someone might want to f*** him.

Cally:
I thought you were a business brain, Mark, but you're better than that. You're someone my grandma would call a real piece of sh*t.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Wow, I've got a date. I'm a real piece of sh*t. I bet those two things go hand in hand. Bet if I got into defrauding pensioners the p*ssy would really start rolling in.

Cally:
Oh, my God. I'm so embarrassed I brought you to this. Past-life regression, what a load of bullshit!

Mark Corrigan:
It's fine, it was fun.

Cally:
People always say they were, like, Napoleon or an Aztec princess.

Mark Corrigan:
Come on guys, where are all the Chinese peasants? Where are the German toilet cleaners?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Jeremy's getting a manager, I'm getting divorced. Maybe he'll end up happy and successful and I won't. That would be typical, I do everything society demands and die in a ditch, he sits on his arse and accidentally shits a golden egg!

[Mark wakes up to find Natalie is having sex with him]

Mark Corrigan:
Could you stop? I, oh dear God, oh dear...

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
I'm having an orgasm against my will! Oh God, she's stolen sex off me.

Natalie:
[she finishes] I like you. I liked that.

Mark Corrigan:
Yes... OK.

Natalie:
I think I need a wee now.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] At least she didn't wee on me. That's a positive.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, did you do it? Have I got my money? Don't do the pause, Mark, you're not Davina! Have I got my money?

Mark Corrigan:
Yes, Jeremy, you've got your money.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes!

[he kisses Mark on the forehead]

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh you beautiful, beautiful man! I'm gonna tattoo your name on my balls. I'm a millionaire again!

Mark Corrigan:
But there's a condition.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, there's alway conditions, Mark, you can ignore conditions. When you sign up for a credit card or adopt a child there are conditions. They're meaningless.

Super Hans:
It's a pisser, though, innit? Cancer. They should a find a f***ing cure.

Mark Corrigan:
I think they're trying.

Super Hans:
Yeah, sure they are. They should pull their f***ing fingers out.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mum's getting 40 grand in the will and she's promised me half. It's all gravy from here, Mark. Good old Gwen. I couldn't have planned this better if I'd murdered her myself.

Mark Corrigan:
?20,000 won't last forever, Jeremy.

Jeremy Usborne:
What do you mean? ?20,000, I'll gonna be a millionaire!

Super Hans:
[reading from an old quiz book he's found] I have a mouth, but do not speak. I have a bed, but never sleep. What am I?

Mark Corrigan:
A river.

Super Hans:
Nicholas Lyndhurst.

Mark Corrigan:
I think that's the wrong answer section.

Super Hans:
[throws the book down] F*** this sh*t.

[Jeremy's mum is the kitchen of their flat, making coffee]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Good old Jeremy's mum. The more sophisticated end of the Mum spectrum, the sort of mum you'd buy in John Lewis.

Jeremy Usborne:
[walks in] Mummy! Coffee! F***y-hurry-uppy!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Whereas he's the sort of son you'd get free with Nuts magazine.

[Mark meets Jeremy's mum's boyfriend Martin, a 60-year-old ex-soldier]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Sh*t, it's Paddy Ashdown! It's Indiana Jones! It's Indiana Ashdown!

Jackie:
I've got some more Corfu property details. I think we'll be able to see them all while we're there.

Jeremy Usborne:
Are you buying somewhere? I hope this isn't coming out of my chunk of the dead Gwen bonanza.

Martin:
[to Jackie] Actually, darling, if you remember, we spoke about...

Jeremy Usborne:
Spoke about what?

Martin:
Just that it might not be ideal for you still to be living on handouts from your mother. You're what, 35?

Jeremy Usborne:
F*** off!

Martin:
Jackie isn't a wealthy woman, Jeremy.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mum? You said that I could have half of Gwen's money. That's what you said, to me, your son.

Jackie:
Don't hassle me. You know I don't like being hassled.

[she smiles]

Jackie:
Little Henry Hassle, that's what I used to call him!

[Jeremy storms off, petulantly]

[Mark looks at Martin]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Why doesn't Jeremy want you to be his dad? I want you to be my dad! I want to sit on your knee right now!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Right, everyone's out. Might sneek a little peek at the gun. It's fine to be fascinated by the gun. It's fascinating. Everything that can kill a man is fascinating, guns, electric chairs, paracetemol, lead piping...

Jeremy Usborne:
[standing in the doorway] Hello Mark.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, hi Jez. I was just... you know, making sure it was safe. Gunny the gun.

Jeremy Usborne:
You like it, Mark. That's fine, you like the gun. Guns are great. Design classics like the Routemaster bus, or... those chairs.

Super Hans:
Jez, can you tell me, as a mate, someone who knows me really well, is the bottom half of me on fire?

Jeremy Usborne:
[looks down] No.

Super Hans:
Thanks. That's good.

Jeremy Usborne:
Are you tripping?

Super Hans:
The sh*t I'm seeing, I f***ing well hope so!

Mark Corrigan:
You really do need to get over this whole thing with your mum. You're not Hamlet. Stop being Hamlet.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, all right, I'll stop being Hamlet if you stop being...

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] He can't think of a Shakespearian character!

Jeremy Usborne:
A massive twat!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ha-ha. He couldn't even think of Romeo, Romeo's easy.

[Natalie has passed out drunk on Mark's bed]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She hasn't had a wee in a while. I hope she doesn't wee in my bed.

[to Natalie]

Mark Corrigan:
Don't wee the bed, Natalie.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
That might filter through to her subconscious. I hope the "don't" was clear enough.

Martin:
[giving Mark his war diaries] Some of it's a bit choice, Mark. A bit fruity, death wise. So, you have been warned.

Mark Corrigan:
Doesn't bother me, Martin, the fruitier the better. War's never a picnic. Although, obviously soldiers do end up eating outdoors quite a lot.

Super Hans:
You couldn't get me any glue, could you? Take the edge off.

Jeremy Usborne:
Glue?

Super Hans:
Yeah, glue's coming back. Nature's glue.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I've never done glue. Never boffed a tranny. I've hardly lived.

Super Hans:
You should drop acid at the funeral. Make it more intense. That's what I did at me old man's, it was f***ing mental. I was crying and laughing. Didn't know who was dead and who was alive.

Jeremy Usborne:
[has just found a gun at his dead aunt's house] I'll keep it in my room. It'll be safe there. I'll put it in a drawer.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, brilliant. Well, as long as no one can work out the intricate sliding mechanism that opens your drawer, it'll be perfectly safe!

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Yeah, sure. You've got sarcasm, I've got a big gun!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is a fantastic evening. I've become a military historian and Jeremy's future happiness rests in my hands.

[a waiter serves him his dessert]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] And I've got a tiramisu! This is f***ing amazing!

Natalie:
My teacher was a bit of a hippy and she gave me this CND badge. Ah, I genuinely loved Miss Davis.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Case closed.

Natalie:
Anyway, I wore it home and f***ing hell, Mark, Dad's face... It was like he was being given a Tabasco enema.

Jeremy Usborne:
Crunchy Nut Cornflakes are just Frosties for wankers.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, well, Frosties are just Cornflakes for people who can't face reality.

[Mark is kicking Sophie's friends out of his flat after they've stayed up all night getting high]

Mark Corrigan:
And listen, while we're at it, there are systems for a reason in this world, economic stability, interest rates, growth. It's not all a conspiracy to keep you in little boxes, alright? It's only the miracle of consumer capitalism that means you're not lying in your own sh*t, dying at 43 with rotten teeth and a little pill with a chicken on it is not going to change that. Now come on, f*** off.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ah, soup. Lovely hug in a mug. All I need now is a kiss in a tube. A wank in a packet.

Mark Corrigan:
Aren't you going to open your post?

Jeremy Usborne:
No, it's boring. "You may have won this", "You may owe us that", who cares?

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, that one's "On Her Majesty's Service" for God's sake.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh sure, it's On Her Majesty's Service delivered by the Royal Mail. Probably an invitation to one of Princess Anne's shepherd's pie and dogging parties.

[opens the letter]

Jeremy Usborne:
See? Now they want me to do jury service.

Mark Corrigan:
Jury service? You've been called for jury service? I can't believe they'd choose you. Must be some kind of mistake.

Jeremy Usborne:
Why shouldn't I do jury service?

Mark Corrigan:
Because your... critical facult... I'm not being rude but you'd be the first to admit that you're not a very logical thinker.

Jeremy Usborne:
No, I wouldn't.

Mark Corrigan:
You still don't properly understand what happens in Ocean's Eleven, do you?

Jeremy Usborne:
It's a complicated film.

Mark Corrigan:
It really isn't.

Carla:
What about that judge, though, eh?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh God, yeah. He's so judgmental. "I rule this", "I rule that."

Carla:
Hey, that would be a good name for him, Judge Mental!

[In the jury room Jeremy votes Not Guilty because he fancies Carla, the defendant]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'm in Twelve Angry Men. I'm the only one who's not angry. I'm horny. That's much nicer.

Jeremy Usborne:
So suddenly I can't go out for drink with the defendant? Well, why not?

Mark Corrigan:
Well, I suppose people might think it would make you less impartial if you're trying to bone the woman you're meant to be judging.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, that is typical. Jeremy can't be trusted to judge the woman he's sleeping with but Tony Blair can, yeah?

Mark Corrigan:
Jez, it's contempt of court.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, Mark, I'm a musician, in case you've forgotten. I answer to a higher law, the law of "If it feels good, do it."

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, that's a great law, isn't it? What's that, Gaddafi's law?

Jeremy Usborne:
It's the musician's law. Colonel Gaddafi could not lay down a bass hook, Mark. That should be clear even to you.

[Mark has been dragged along to a gay club by Sophie and her gay male friends and now they're all taking ecstasy]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] So, a candle stuck in a wine bottle apparentely doesn't cut it anymore, now for a special night, you have to have Class A drugs and fisting.

[Mark pretends to take his pill]

Sophie Chapman:
[surprised] Mark, I'm so proud of you!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She's proud of me? For taking a little white pill of drugs? But probably if I'd fought at Goose Green she wouldn't want to know.

Jeremy Usborne:
Who'd have thought it, eh? You and me, out clubbing, you off your tits. I can genuinely see us eventually reminiscing about this.

Mark Corrigan:
Right yeah, Jez, listen, the thing is, I didn't actually pop my pill, I'm pretending. In fact, mate, I could do with a few pointers on how to be a druggie.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh Mark, why didn't you bang one?

Mark Corrigan:
Because I don't want to wake up dribbling in a phone box with a trucker's penis in my ear!

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, that is so not the E experience. You're much more likely to wake up with depression and a sense of worthlessness.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Women's prison, it's probably like one long hen night.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] This isn't wrong, just illegal. Like drink driving.

[Mark is being hugged by Sophie's gay friend who is high on ecstasy]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh God, the sweaty grip of the moron.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Justice is done. Not actual justice, but what I wanted to happen, which is basically the same thing.

Jeremy Usborne:
You're not thinking of getting back with Sophie? A bit of a depressing backwards step?

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, well, April's kaput. Maybe that's just life, your expectations get ground down and down until finally you settle for a life that would have mortified you 20 years ago but now seems like a blessed relief.

Jeremy Usborne:
I love the homeless, one of my own would be amazing. I could look after him... not like a tamagotchi... better.

Jeremy Usborne:
[In bed with Nancy] Sometimes I'd like to die and climb inside you.

Nancy:
Look, obviously God wanted us to enjoy ourselves, that's why he invented pills and clubs and lube and hardcore. But he also wanted us to give something back, and that's why he created the homeless, the lepers and the oil spills.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] God, suck up to God.

[to Nancy]

Jeremy Usborne:
Nancy, listen. The only reason that I don't go to church is that, to me, everything's a church. This room is my church. The hall is my church. Costcutters is a bloody cathedral.

Nancy:
That's really nice, Jeremy. It's just not true, is it?

[Mark sees Sophie with Jeff]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Uh-oh, bollocks. Giggling, sharing. Shall I intervene? No. It's fine, it's totally fine. Que sera, sera. Whatever will be will be. The future's not ours to see. If she f***s him, I'll kill myself.

Nancy:
[watching the news] Bad news, bad news, bad news. Jesus, Jeremy, one bus crash. What about all the buses that made it safely to their destinations, huh?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah! Yeah, this is such bullshit.

Mark Corrigan:
Yes, I suppose the news should just be a dispassionate list of all the events that have occurred the world over during the day. That would be good. Except of course, it would take forever!

Nancy:
Hey, where's Nim?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, Nim's gone.

Nancy:
Where?

Jeremy Usborne:
He's fine. Mark chucked him out.

Nancy:
Jesus, Jeremy! Poor Nim! Where exactly is Nim?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim, Nim... f***ing Nim! Look, if you love Nim so much, why don't you go and find him and screw him!

[Johnson, who thinks Mark is an alcoholic, discovers him in a pub with Sophie, having a pint of lager]

Mark Corrigan:
It's not what it looks like! It's only a pint!

Johnson:
Only a p... it's never only a pint.

Mark Corrigan:
I didn't even want it, Sophie bought it for me, I asked for a coke.

Sophie Chapman:
No, you didn't.

Johnson:
You know what I'm hearing, Mark? Poor me. Poor me. Pour me another drink!

[Mark is trying to provoke Jeff into hitting him, so the office security cameras can pick it up]

Mark Corrigan:
Stolen any good cars lately, Mr Scouser? Where's your native wit now, eh, Mr Stupid?

Jeff Heaney:
Watch it, mate!

Mark Corrigan:
Come on, Jeff, let's get down to it shall we? You stupid, stinking chicken f***er!

[Jeff tries to leave the room but Mark blocks the doorway, making a chicken noise]

Mark Corrigan:
Ooh, those chickens really love it when that big rooster Jeff comes-a-calling!

[Mark has just seen himself on the local news being falsely shown as a lager-swilling yob]

Nancy:
Mark, don't worry. These things, they happen for a reason. It might not seem like there's a plan, but there is a plan.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, right. You believe in a god, do you?

Nancy:
Yes, I do. And you might find it a comfort at a time when...

Mark Corrigan:
[looking through the phone book] Nancy, there's no evidence for God, whereas Ofcom has published guidelines.

Nancy:
So does God. It's called the Bible.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, yes, the Bible. And I wonder what the Bible's view is on you doing it in the shower and the garden centre and up the bum. I mean, that's alright, is it? That's in the Bible, is it? Or do you think maybe that's NOT in the Bible?

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark!

[to Nancy]

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm sure it is in the Bible, somewhere. Probably in Corinthians, there's a load of weird sh*t in there.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] What's so great about sex anyway? It's all the mind. Her soft skin is just a big bag full of kidneys and mucus and half-digested bits of pie. I bet she's got really nice kidneys. Oh yeah, I'd f*** those kidneys real good.

[Jeremy and Super Hans are rehearsing with their new band. Jeremy tries to play a saxophone but can't]

Super Hans:
Jez, mate, can you stop jamming?

Jeremy Usborne:
You can't stop someone from jamming, that's against jam law.

Super Hans:
Dude, that's not jam, that's just total f***ing marmalade.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I do want the FDR doll, but is it crossing a line? Oh my God, my heart's racing, it's like when I bought my first 20-sided die.

[Jeremy comes home to find Mark and Gerard playing with their Roosevelt and Stalin figures]

Jeremy Usborne:
Sorry to interrupt you playing, boys.

Mark Corrigan:
We're not, we're just arranging our models... with some noises. Anyway, what are you doing back from your new job so early? Fired already?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm back so early because I have the coolest job in the world and Ben is the coolest boss in the world. I asked him when I should come in tomorrow and he said "whenever you can make it." His motto is "The work never starts."

Mark Corrigan:
That's his motto? What's his annual turnover?

Jeremy Usborne:
Who gives a sh*t? We don't make money, money makes us.

Mark Corrigan:
What does that even mean?

Jeremy Usborne:
It means I'm gonna to light up a fatty and crack open my brand-new Xbox. Good luck with the regression session.

Mark Corrigan:
Look, I'm sorry if in an infantilised world I've somehow ended up with the non-cool toys, but why exactly is arranging a model of the greatest liberal hero of the 20th century somehow less cool than pretending on a computer that you're a Russian pimp stealing imaginary cars?

Jeremy Usborne:
I dunno, dude, I don't make the rules. Enjoy playing with soldiers and wanking over Dobby on Facebook.

[Mark looks at Dobby's Facebook profile]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Is this a bit like stalking? Stalking's a very loaded term, I prefer to think of it as extreme liking.

[Jeremy is telling Mark that his job isn't as fun as he thought it was going to be]

Jeremy Usborne:
Plus, it turns out the website, it's really mainly about the merch.

Mark Corrigan:
Merch?

Jeremy Usborne:
Merchandise. Ben says "I'm all about the merch. Cut me and I bleed merch." I can't believe I had him at my mercy in the hospital and I let him go. If I'd know he was such an arsehole I'd at least have given his tube a little waggle.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, murdering your enemies is quite a simple solution, which I guess is why in ethics and law it's so frowned upon.

Mark Corrigan:
[sipping his tea] Hold on. I didn't think we had any milk.

Jeremy Usborne:
Er... no, we do.

Mark Corrigan:
No, we definitely don't, cos I couldn't have any Sultana Bran this morning. There's no milk in the fridge, except...

[realises Jeremy has used the breast milk for the baby]

Mark Corrigan:
OH!

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, relax.

Mark Corrigan:
This is Sophie's milk, isn't it?

Jeremy Usborne:
Think of it as lady milk, from the human cow.

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, this... it's... it's one step away from cannibalism!

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, right, so it's weird to drink milk from someone you know, but to drink milk from another species, some cow you've never met, that's fine, is it?

Mark Corrigan:
Yes! Yes, it bloody well is!

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, suit yourself.

[sips of his tea]

Jeremy Usborne:
Mmm, luxury milk!

[Mark looks at him, revolted]

Gerard:
Mark... what are you doing here?

Mark Corrigan:
I could ask you the very same question, Judas!

Gerard:
Well, Dobby didn't have anyone to come to the party with her, so I volunteered.

Mark Corrigan:
How incredibly thoughtful, Brutus!

Gerard:
Yes, well...

Mark Corrigan:
You know very well that we had a deal...

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Can't think of another one.

[to Gerard]

Mark Corrigan:
Double-Judas!

Gerard:
Look, nothing's going on, all right? We're just having a drink.

Mark Corrigan:
I think you're doing a little more than that.

[picks up a bag of pork scratchings off the table]

Mark Corrigan:
No doubt once you've finished these and she's sufficiently high on E numbers, you'll try and supply her with another pork product whose name I don't think needs to be said out loud!

Ben:
[to Zahra] Need to talk business, babe, get yourself a drink. Mine's a large one... as you f***ing know!

[In a fantasy wargames shop]

Gerard:
Yeah, so I've been hanging out here quite a bit since I got made redundant. It's cool.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, it is... cool.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
More like a honey trap for social retards. When the Normalo Nazis firebomb these places the geek race will be wiped out forever.

Gerard:
Dobby's got a boyfriend.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, God. Really?

Gerard:
His name's Simon and he's younger, slimmer, better-looking and more fashionable than us.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Us? I'm several social ranks your senior, that's the whole basis of our relationship, Gerard.

[to Gerard]

Mark Corrigan:
So, what's he like?

Gerard:
Graphic Designer.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, please! "Hello, can I redesign your logo? Yes, that'll be a ?100,000 for a squiggle."

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Wish I was a graphic designer.

Gerard:
And he drives an Audi.

Mark Corrigan:
But of course, Vorsprung Dick Technik!

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Wish I had an Audi.

Gerard:
Maybe it's a good thing. A wake-up call. Maybe for guys like us Dobby was always a pipe dream.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Don't pull me into your filthy bathwater, I'm a player!

Gerard:
It may surprise you to know, but the truth is until I was 26 I'd never been with a woman.

Mark Corrigan:
Uh, yes, you do surprise me.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
You've been with a woman?

Jeremy Usborne:
[Watching the music video for "Russians" by Sting] Do you think he really wondered, Sting, if the Russians loved their children too?

Mark Corrigan:
No, it's a rhetorical question. You know, like "Can you feel the force?" or "Do they know its Christmas?"

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm not so sure. He really seems to be sincerely hoping that the Russians love their children too, which I think is a little bit patronising.

[Jeremy and Super Hans are in the flat, in the aftermath of a drug binge]

Jeremy Usborne:
What happened?

Super Hans:
That will probably become clear later, like the French Revolution.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] No more drugs. I don't need drugs. I mean, what great music was ever made on drugs? Bowie, obviously. The Floyd, The Prodge, Aphex, the list is endless really.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Look at me, friends with a big black businessman like it's the most natural thing in the world. If he got accused of a crime he hadn't committed I could come to his aid.

[At a sushi restaurant]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] This could be good, just like the old days. Play it cool, don't slag off Johnson, yet.

Mark Corrigan:
Johnson told me about it. Apparentely, according to Johnson, wasabi sauce is...

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, Johnson says, Johnson says! If you love Johnson that much, why don't you marry him?

Mark Corrigan:
Where did this come from all of a sudden?

Jeremy Usborne:
Why don't you actually screw him? I mean, since you clearly want to do that, why don't you?

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy! Look, I've nothing against being gay, but I'm not and neither is Johnson. He's black, in case you hadn't noticed, which I expect you had.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, so just because he's black, I have to like him? Do I? That's political correctness gone mad! Look, Mark, I'm sorry...

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Jesus, I'm probably just the sort of person who'd be gay and repress it even to himself!

Johnson:
[to Jeremy] You really are a bitter loser, aren't you, Mr No Logo, Mr Work a Day for World Peace?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Don't screw up. No screw-ups. Got to impress.

Johnson:
So Mr Corrigan, we've examined your loan application and I just have one question for you. Are you a pathetic, worthless punk?

Mark Corrigan:
Er, well, no.

Johnson:
Oh, right. Because I'm going to turn you down as if you were a hippy parasite.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh, yes. Yeah, I like it.

Johnson:
Then I'm going to make you feel like you're a turkey f***er. Why? Because I'm the big man and you're a shitheel, right?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Brilliant. That is just so spot on.

[Johnson turns and it is revealed they are doing a role playing exercise in front of Mark's coworkers]

Johnson:
Or, I could treat Mr Corrigan like a valued and respected customer, and we'd both end up winners. Isn't that right, Mr Corrigan?

Mark Corrigan:
Right. Absolutely! Dead right.

[They shake hands and receive a round of applause]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Alan Johnson. I'm in love. I'm in love with you, Johnson.

Jeremy Usborne:
[about politicians] They should be more honest. I mean, at least Tony Adams from the IRA, he's like, "Yeah, I shoot people. I like shooting people." You know, if they were more honest, then maybe people would vote and not switch straight over when the news comes on.

Johnson:
You turn over when the news comes on?

Jeremy Usborne:
No, no. No, sometimes... maybe for a treat but generally it's great, isn't it? Who do you support? Mark likes Israel, I'm Palestine. Makes it more interesting when you a pick a... No?

Mark Corrigan:
I could have a little thing going there with Sophie actually.

Johnson:
Yeah? Well, my advice is keep it little.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah?

Johnson:
Women. I mean, does a balance sheet ever come crying and saying that it needs some time to think about things? A business doesn't say it loves you then run off with a buddy. I mean, take a look at her, mate. Take a good, hard look at her. What do you see? What do you actually see in her, compared to, say, a supermodel like Gisele? Or any of the other supermodels?

Mark Corrigan:
She's... I think she's very... pretty.

Johnson:
Come on, look at her arse. Is that the best arse you're ever going to get? Do you stick on that arse? Come on, admit it. She's got a fat arse.

[Mark hesitates]

Johnson:
Say it!

Mark Corrigan:
Well, she's... Maybe it is a bit... nice, but in a sense...

Mark Corrigan:
I really need to pick up my laptop from the IT guy before Johnson gets here.

Jeremy Usborne:
I could... drive you.

Mark Corrigan:
What?

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, he gave you the keys.

Mark Corrigan:
No, he forgot the keys after the pub, then he called to put me in charge of the keys until such time as he reclaims the keys.

Jeremy Usborne:
It's probably an initiative test. Will you walk like some kind of stupid duck or will you drive like... Clarkson?

Mark Corrigan:
I'm 85% sure I'm straight.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] If he hangs himself over this, I could put an orange in his mouth and say it was a fatal wanking accident.

Jeremy Usborne:
[lying groggily on the sofa] Super Hans... what are we doing?

Super Hans:
[sitting on the floor, rolling a joint] We are looking the other end of the telescope.

Jeremy Usborne:
I don't feel very well. Did something bad happen?

Super Hans:
Everything's OK. Look, there two basic energies in the world - stress and relaxation.

Jeremy Usborne:
Did I break through?

Super Hans:
No idea. You passed out after the love beans. I thought the table was being ironic.

Sophie Chapman:
Quite a seminar. You know Barbara went home crying.

Johnson:
Hey, I'm just a doctor, I didn't make the needles sharp.

Sophie Chapman:
It's not a wig, Alan, that's actually her hair.

Mark Corrigan:
You've got to admit, Soph, she was asking a lot of questions.

Sophie Chapman:
Yeah, well I just thought you two big kahunas should know.

Johnson:
Yeah, whatever.

[Sophie walks off]

Mark Corrigan:
See you!

Johnson:
Je-sus, some people. You point them to a lift and they're like "No thanks, I'm fine with the stairs."

Super Hans:
We are gonna have parties in this place that go beyond fun and actually get really, really nasty.

Jeremy Usborne:
[garroting Super Hans with dental floss] Floss is boss!

Sophie Chapman:
Uh, Mark, I just wanted to say about the lift...

Mark Corrigan:
8:15 sharp?

Sophie Chapman:
Yeah. It's just, the thing is, I forgot about Debbie's chair, the wheelchair.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah?

Sophie Chapman:
Yeah, and I think it'll take up quite a bit of room. And Dave's been helping her, so I said to him...

Mark Corrigan:
I mean, I could... help.

Sophie Chapman:
Yeah... yeah, sure. It's just Dave's been... you know.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, yeah. Totally. Absolutely.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Dave's the saint. Nothing must unseat Dave.

Mark Corrigan:
But, the relocation thing, moving out on Jeremy... It feels a bit weird, Dad.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Sh*t!

Johnson:
Sorry?

Mark Corrigan:
It feels weird, Daddio.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Good save.

Super Hans:
[about Mark] So, when's the Iron Duke moving out?

Jeremy Usborne:
Um, I dunno. Maybe a few weeks. I mean, nothing's really decided yet.

Super Hans:
Tell you what, as a f***ing-off present, why don't we spike him?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah. Or maybe get him a nice watch or...

Super Hans:
Yeah, he'll be like "Oh, I couldn't make the meeting today, boss. I gotta fax me soul off to God, for an upgrade."

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Good old, unfriendly Mr Patel. Never says a word, whether you're buying cornflakes, fabric softener, or gay porn.

[Mark watches a gay porn video]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] There's nothing to be afraid of. It was very popular with the Romans and they got a lot done.

Johnson:
Phony Tony, I call him. The thing about this government, it's all spin. It's all smoke and mirrors.

Mark Corrigan:
I totally agree, I couldn't agree more.

Johnson:
And the way he licks Bush's arse.

Mark Corrigan:
It's pathetic!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] There's probably much less to worry about with gay sex. I mean, you know where you are with a cock.

Mark Corrigan:
[sitting in Johnson's BMW] This doesn't feel right.

Jeremy Usborne:
This is so right.

Mark Corrigan:
But I can't drive.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, you can. All you have to do is believe. Driving is bullshit.

Mark Corrigan:
[starting the car] Oh. My. God.

Jeremy Usborne:
Now, just very, very slowly take your foot off the clutch and just tickle the accelerator, OK?

Mark Corrigan:
OK... OK... OK. Look at me go! I'm driving! Look at me driving, Jez!

Jeremy Usborne:
You're driving! Very slowly in first gear.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah! Oh yeah, come on! I'm driving! I'm Johnson! Driving is bullshit, I'm Johnson!

Jeremy Usborne:
But, you two? This is never gonna work! You don't know him, you don't know anything about him! How does he like his toast?

Johnson:
He likes it in a business class seat of a Virgin Atlantic flight to New York City.

Jeremy Usborne:
Wrong! He likes one brown with Marmite and one white with lime marmalade.

[he stick up his middle finger]

Mark Corrigan:
Are you all right?

Jeremy Usborne:
I've just been doing a lot of thinking lately.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh Sh*t.

Jeremy Usborne:
And I was just thinking why do I even do half the stupid sh*t I do? Maybe I'm a knobhead.

Mark Corrigan:
What? No. No, no, no.

Jeremy Usborne:
Maybe I'm not in the 1% of people who think they're gonna be successful musicians and are totally right, but in the 99% of talentless, misguided d*ckheads.

Mark Corrigan:
[trying to be nice but lacking conviction] Jez, you're not a talentless, misguided d*ckhead... that's the last thing you are.

Mark Corrigan:
Gerard, don't call me "Boss" outside work, I don't like it. [voiceover] I very much do like it.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Dobby, the acceptable face of woman. I hardly have to modify my behaviour at all in her company. I really think she might be "The One".

[Jeremy is telling Mark about the courses he's taking at the New Wellness Centre]

Mark Corrigan:
[worried] Jez, I think I've heard about these people, there's stuff all over the internet about them.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, that's right. There's a conspiracy about them on the internet.

Mark Corrigan:
[looking through the book Jeremy has been given] There's a lot of stuff about an asteroid in here.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, it's all based on the seven sacred truths from the golden tablets found in the asteroid which crashed in Siberia in 1911. It's a really great book, you'd love the chapter on Orgones.

Mark Corrigan:
Orgones?

Jeremy Usborne:
Orgones are the invisible molecules of universal life energy which govern our moods and our actions. Negative Orgones are the sources of all the problems in the world.

Mark Corrigan:
And you believe that?

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, how do explain all the problems in the world.

Mark Corrigan:
I mean, I couldn't just... There are so many historical and economic factors.

Jeremy Usborne:
Exactly. You haven't got a clue.

Mark Corrigan:
But come on, Jez? Asteroids? Orgones? What would you say if I came home one day talking about that kind of stuff?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'd say "That's sounds fascinating, please tell me more." See you later.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Jeremy's in a cult. Jeremy in a cult. It does have a certain ring to it.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She's taken my sperm. And sperm is like lending someone less than a fiver, you can't really ask for it back.

Mark Corrigan:
He's not moving into the compound. We don't need any of your orgones here, Super Hans. He's staying where he belongs.

Super Hans:
You're gonna stay in the Death Star with Captain Haddock? He doesn't value you, he thinks you're a d*ckhead.

Mark Corrigan:
Just because he's a d*ckhead doesn't mean I'm not his friend. I'm a better friend than you've ever been.

Super Hans:
He may be a d*ckhead, but I'm showing him how to stop being a d*ckhead.

Jeremy Usborne:
Could you please stop agreeing that I'm a d*ckhead? I'm not a d*ckhead.

Jeremy Usborne:
And what about the... issue?

Mark Corrigan:
Well, if Sophie contines down her path towards self-destruction we'll end up adopting like a couple of gay dads anyway, so we'll never need to find whose it is.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right. Who knows? Who the f*** even cares?

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, Jesus.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh, Jesus.

Jeremy Usborne:
The good news is that in my last personality chart I was thirty percent up. Which was pretty wicked.

Super Hans:
Your wellness levels must be through the f***ing roof. You're right on schedule, according to the book. Hardback book, based on tablets brought by an asteroid. Something you can rely on.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah. What do you think about the... asteroid stuff?

Super Hans:
What, are you having a few doubts?

Jeremy Usborne:
No. God no. More sort of... thoughts.

Super Hans:
Thoughts. You wanna give that sh*t a rest. You've been going and thinking thoughts your whole life, and look where that's got you, eh.

Jeremy Usborne:
True enough.

Super Hans:
Listen, I was talking to Pascoe and there's good news. There's a couple of rooms have come up at the Center. The cool thing is, that if you live in you can pay for classes by working at the Center making new recruits. It's a good system innit?

Jeremy Usborne:
That is a good system.

Super Hans:
So? Are you up for it?

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Move into the compound? Mark will say I'm joining a cult. But then, he won't have a Nectar card because thinks it means they've got him. I'm moving on.

Jeremy Usborne:
Dude, crank up the orgonometer and bring on module two!

[Mark tells Jeremy about how he was robbed]

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark! You've got to toughen up. This is the 21st century. You've seen Mad Max, haven't you? That's what's going to happen!

Mark Corrigan:
Mad Max is not necessarily going to happen.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh sure mate. You live in your Hitchikers' Guide world where you wander around in your dressing gown and have a nice cup of tea.

Big Suze:
Stu's my man, my hunk of monk!

[Jeremy looks at Stu's muscular body]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Jesus. That's what a man should look like. Those arms. They're amazing. Like boughs of sturdy English oak. My God, if you had them wrapped round you, you'd just feel so safe.

Mark Corrigan:
You know me, I'm old-fashioned, I like courting. Look, why don't we go to the pictures?

Sophie Chapman:
[sarcastically] Sure, shall I bring a chaperone?

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Good old Michelle. Cold, but comforting. Kind of like a friendly Dalek.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Please don't touch my floppy cock.

Mark Corrigan:
[explaining to Sophie why he's carrying a knife] It's just, I'd like to learn kickboxing to protect myself, I just don't have the time. So, basically, what this is, is just a rather efficient time-saving device.

[Jeremy has gone to Michelle's to have a threesome and unexpectedly finds Big Suze there, but it turns out she's only Michelle's new lodger and the person who's really going to join Michelle and Jeremy in the threesome is some frumpy, unfriendly woman who won't even speak to him]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I will have had a threesome. I will have had a threesome.

Big Suze:
So, Jez. A threesome. That'll be nice. My friend Jen did a threesome once, she said she cried for about an hour afterwards but I'd still definitely like to try it sometime.

Mark Corrigan:
Later, baby!

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Ugh, baby. Note to self, re: being the Fonz, Mark you are not the Fonz.

Jeremy Usborne:
[on the phone to Mark] What are you doing in a phone box? Have you put a farthing in the slot?

[to Zahra]

Jeremy Usborne:
Hey, Mark's in a phone box?

Zahra:
Is it an ironic thing?

Jeremy Usborne:
Are you doing it ironically?

Mark Corrigan:
No, I've simply got rid of my mobile.

Jeremy Usborne:
You've what? Oh my God, this is massive! What are you gonna do next, move into a hut and start drinking your own piss?

Mark Corrigan:
We've got a landline. Times are hard, Jeremy. I'm putting my clarinet on ebay, I'm making my own hummus. This is the end times, a mobile's a luxury.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, right! What if I need to contact you? What if I take a mega-trip and forget who I am? What if we run out of Marmite and you're at the corner shop? These are all real-life nightmare scenarios.

Jeremy Usborne:
Has it never occurred to you that two human beings of the opposite gender could have a simple human relationship without sex being involved? You think you know me so well, but you don't.

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, you once told me that chairs make you feel horny.

[Mark and Jeremy are trapped in the hallway of a house]

Jeremy Usborne:
'Suppose we do need to get out of here quite soon, before the air supply runs out.

Mark Corrigan:
What?

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, in here, the air supply's gonna run out sooner or later.

[Mark looks at him]

Jeremy Usborne:
What? I'm not an idiot - why does that make me an idiot?

[Mark is sticking his arm through the front door letterbox]

Jeremy Usborne:
Are you posting yourself out piece by piece?

Mark Corrigan:
I'm trying to catch the light with my watch face, send out an SOS, morse code. A passer-by might notice it.

Jeremy Usborne:
Uh-huh. Maybe you'll attract a Naval Captain who'll come and rescue us in his frigate.

Jeremy Usborne:
We need to relax.

Mark Corrigan:
You can't relax! We've got to fight, worry, speculate, tut, pace, swear!

Jeremy Usborne:
Why?

Mark Corrigan:
Because it's an emergency, and in an emergency you watch breaking news and count your tins of butter beans, you don't sit in the garden and put on Kiss FM!

Jeremy Usborne:
Dude, we're here for the duration. Let's chill out.

Mark Corrigan:
We're have an obligation to be anxious, it's a mark of respect for the gravity of the situation!

[Jeremy is relieving himself through the letterbox]

Mark Corrigan:
You're actually doing it?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, I'm actually doing it!

Mark Corrigan:
God, Jeremy! What if someone outside thinks it's some sort of comment? I hope there's no black or minority ethnic person walking past who thinks it's...

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, it's a perfectly friendly piss, I'm not... [he sees someone coming through the frosted door window and jumps back] Oh, sh*t! Withdraw all units! [whispers] If it's the cops, don't open the door.

Mark Corrigan:
I can't open the door, Jeremy. That's one of the key things about this whole situation. [a man wearing a motorbike helmet knocks on the door. The pizza that Jeremy ordered has arrived]

Pizza Delivery Man:
Pizza.

Jeremy Usborne:
Pizza! Nutritious, delicious pizza!

Mark Corrigan:
How's he supposed to deliver it through a locked door?

Jeremy Usborne:
I've thought about that. [to the pizza delivery man] Uh, just slide that baby through the letterbox, dude.

Mark Corrigan:
Of course, the letterbox. Your new pleasure portal.

Pizza Delivery Man:
It won't fit, mate. It's a large one.

Mark Corrigan:
Defeated by your own greed. It's like a Grimm's fairytale.

Jeremy Usborne:
Piece by piece, dude. Piece by piece.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, you've got to be joking!

Pizza Delivery Man:
OK, money first. [Jeremy pushes some money through the letterbox]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is so not how I imagined the day of my first-born son's Christening. [the pizza man pushes a slice through the letterbox, but it has a draft-preventing brush which is scraping off all the topping]

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, sh*t, no! The brush! Dude, dude, we're getting f***ed with the brush! [disappointedly looks at his topping-free pizza slice] Do you want some?

Mark Corrigan:
A slice of bristly, cheese-free pizza, lightly brushed in your piss? How can I refuse?

Jeremy Usborne:
What happens if you eat letterbox hair?

Mark Corrigan:
Strangely there's been very little research into that scenario.

Jeremy Usborne:
Does post even need brushing? Who wants brushed post? [notices some post on a table and picks up a magazine in a plastic packet] Hang on, dude, I've got it! I've got a sheath. [he pushes it through the letterbox] Use this as a protective covering.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Look at him, the James Dyson of pissy pizza. [the pizza man pushes the magazine back through the letterbox, folded with a slice of pizza sandwiched in it]

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah... Hey Mark, it's working! We've cracked it! [takes a bite of pizza] Mmm. We should sell these. Periodical pizza shields. We could take these to the Dragons!

Mark Corrigan:
We'll make our fortune. This is a situation millions of people find themselves in every day. There's no name for this situation, it's so unusual!

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, do you think we could take a brief time-out from the masturbate-athon that is your life to go to my son's Christening?

Jeremy Usborne:
If you had to, would you have sex with me?

Mark Corrigan:
It's a stupid question.

Jeremy Usborne:
If you had to? If the men came and they made us, with their guns?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, I don't know. I suppose... maybe I could do it, just so long as you didn't...

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

Mark Corrigan:
Enjoy it. I think maybe I could make it through, as long as I knew you weren't enjoying it.

Jeremy Usborne:
Hang on, you're saying you could rape me but you couldn't make love to me? That is so you. That is you all over.

Mark Corrigan:
[picking up a phone] Right, what's Sophie's mobile number? 07700, that's definitely how it starts...

Jeremy Usborne:
You can do it, Rain Man.

Mark Corrigan:
07700... 900563? I think that's right. It's ringing, it's ringing! Hello?

[he hangs up]

Mark Corrigan:
It's not her, it was a man.

Jeremy Usborne:
Try again. Try all the variations.

Mark Corrigan:
Try all the variations of the five or six numbers I'm not sure of?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah. There can only be a few variations.

Mark Corrigan:
Of all the numbers?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah.

Mark Corrigan:
You really are an imbecile, aren't you?

Mark Corrigan:
Nothing from Dobby since Christmas. I want to call again, but when I leave long messages, I have this nagging sense that I'll end up hearing them being played back to me in a court of law.

Zahra:
OK, the truth is, I came here to tell you that Ben and me, we're finished. I... I found out he slept with someone else.

Jeremy Usborne:
God. Who would have sex with Ben? Apart from you, obviously.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'm moving in! I'm going to be the boyfriend who pays rent! I'm her rent boy... but not sucking cock in a phone box, eating p*ssy on a tumble dryer!

Mark Corrigan:
Fancy dress. It's like a joke for people with no sense of humour.

Johnson:
What have you come as? Techno hippie street bum?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm not actually wearing a costume, Alan, so the joke's on you.

Johnson:
Yes, I knew that, so the joke's on you.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, I didn't realise you knew that, so it can't have been a very good joke.

Jeremy Usborne:
Who's the chick?

Super Hans:
That's no chick, man. That's the love of my life.

Jeremy Usborne:
Wow. And what does she...

Super Hans:
I don't know much about her, she don't speak English. We speak the language of love. And a tiny little bit of German.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right.

Super Hans:
I tell you, man, she is the one. I'd take a bullet for her. I'd take a bullet up the arris for her.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, that's nice.

Super Hans:
I'd take a f***ing truncheon up the arris for this one. Or an umbrella. I would open an umbrella up inside my arris for this one.

Mark Corrigan:
Hans, we get the message, there's probably no need to list all the things you'd put up your bottom for your girlfriend.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Can't believe he's actually moving out. I'm going to be an unemployed single mother stuck in the flat eating Frosties from a salad bowl until I die from loneliness and two weeks later they break down the door to find Ian sucking on my cold, dead teats.

Mark Corrigan:
[discussing Jeremy moving out] Maybe this is the kick up the arse we both need. I could turn your room into an office, finally nail Business Secrets of the Pharaohs.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right. OK, man, yeah, good on you, because obviously we've always been amazing mates, but also a bit like lead weights dragging each other down?

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly. Living together, it's been like... eating a vast portion of chips, very comforting but also there's this lurking sense that you're killing yourself. Right?

Super Hans:
You want the knack, Mark? With women?

Mark Corrigan:
Well... yes, I suppose I do.

Super Hans:
Want the knack? Get smack.

Mark Corrigan:
Smack?

Super Hans:
Get smacked out of it, then you'll get the ladies.

Mark Corrigan:
Really?

Super Hans:
Maybe.

Mark Corrigan:
Right. I'm not sure I...

Super Hans:
I just love smack. I'm probably not the right man to ask.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Hello... she's looking at me. Maybe I should... Why not? Zahra hasn't phoned or texted me for 2 hours, she's basically instructing me to have sex with a random woman.

[Jeremy makes eye contact with Super Hans' Asian girlfriend]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] OK, let's crank up the flirt-athon, using a language I'll think she'll understand.

[he mimes feeling a woman's breasts]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Yoko Ono? Or Yoko O-yes?

[Johnson, a former alcoholic, picks up a glass of champagne]

Mark Corrigan:
[grabbing hold of the glass in Johnson's hand] Isn't it like kryptonite? Won't it kill you?

Johnson:
I'm not going to drink it, Mark, I'll just take a sniff for old time's sake.

[Mark lets go. Johnson sniffs it, then downs it]

Johnson:
More fool you, a**hole.

[as they are about to leave Big Suze's party, one of her really posh friends approaches Jeremy - earlier Suze had gotten them to serve hors d'oeuvres]

Suze's Party Guest:
Is there any more tartare sauce?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, I'm sorry, I'm afraid I've left it all in George Osborne's ball sack. Tell you what, why don't you nip upstairs, wank him off and dip it in that? [to Mark and Super Hans] Let's go before we get fired.

Zahra:
Maybe we should just accept defeat, resign ourselves to a bit of Jools Holland?

Jeremy Usborne:
No, not the Hootenanny. Never the Hootenanny. We're better than that. We are going to this party!

Super Hans:
Oi, Jez! What the f***? [makes the "penis entering vagina" hand signal] Yoko says you were giving it all that at Big Suze's.

Zahra:
What? Jeremy, were you?

Jeremy Usborne:
God, no! It wasn't sex, you know, it was just... sexy hand signals.

Zahra:
Why were you giving her sexy hand signals?

Jeremy Usborne:
I... it was all a misunderstanding. I was in the kitchen, and I might have done a... [does the "OK" hand signal]... like that, for "OK", yeah? And then, there were lots of little sausages around, so maybe I put the sausage in the "OK" to ask "Would you like to put a sausage in your mouth?"

Super Hans:
You mean, see if she wanted to put a sausage in her mouth and then take it out and then put back it in again!

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah!

Super Hans:
You know how I feel about her. You're gonna f***ing pay for this.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, it's not my fault she doesn't speak English! This kind of thing probably happens the whole time at the UN!

[Jeremy looks at Raymond the bouncer through the chain link fence]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Standing in front of a thousand glory holes and no one but Raymond to suck me off.

Jeremy Usborne:
Remember that time we came back from Cinderella's and Pedge put his pants on the taxi driver's head and he couldn't see a thing?

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, that would have been more hilarious had I not been literally weeping with fear.

Jeremy Usborne:
Come on, man, shake your booty! Tonight even Paxman's out, hoovering up lines of crank of Krishnan Guru-Murthy. Tonight's the big one.

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, all rational people agree it's a truth self-evident that it's impossible to have a good time on New Year's Eve. The pressure's too immense.

Jeremy Usborne:
Listen, this is the perfect time to get back in the game, you know? Two guys, together, out, looking for... it.

Mark Corrigan:
No, thank you. I mean, how much pain can I experience sitting at home with a spaghetti carbonara and Das Boot?

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, it's a 8 o'clock on a Friday night, most people don't do their shopping right now, most people are out right now, yeah?

Mark Corrigan:
That's right, no queues. So who exactly is winning, eh?

Valerie:
Hey, you've got Findus Crispy Pancakes, I love them! They're just so... disgusting, aren't they?

Mark Corrigan:
Er, yeah.

Valerie:
So, my sister, who's a smackhead, I ended up there for Christmas Dinner and we had turkey Findus Crispy Pancakes. That was Christmas Dinner. I wanted to kill myself!

Mark Corrigan:
That would be the natural reaction.

Valerie:
My brother is suck a d*ckhead. I wish he was dead.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, that's a bit much, just pretend you need his bone marrow. Apparentely that's agony.

Mark Corrigan:
[starting to feel stoned] What if I lose it? I'm not gonna to do a poo, am I, Jez?

Valerie:
Jesus! What was all that about?

Mark Corrigan:
I guess she just really likes Sledgehammer.

Valerie:
I mean, that is a sh*t song, right?

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah. [voiceover] Forgive me, Peter. [to Valerie] I mean, it's so outdated.

Valerie:
Exactly! And suddenly I'm up in front of the middle-aged court for crimes against being an old f***er!

Mark Corrigan:
Right, I mean, what's her problem? I've never heard of Level 42 either. [voiceover] Guys, I'm so sorry.

Toni:
How dare she criticize Peter Gabriel. With her little "screw-me" haircut and all so

[pulling a a face and doing a silly voice]

Toni:
nee-nee-nee-nee. You know, he single-handedly created WOMAD.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh God, please stop talking about Peter Gabriel.

Jeff Heaney:
So, Valerie, you still at school, or what?

Mark Corrigan:
She's at college, actually.

Valerie:
Sixth-Form College.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, that's still college.

Jeff Heaney:
Right. So, what's your favourite subject, then?

Sophie Chapman:
I'm sure Valerie doesn't want to talk about subjects, she's bowling.

Jeff Heaney:
Yeah, sure, sure, course, yeah. So, who do you think's best in S-Club, then?

Valerie:
Oh, erm... I'm not really into them, but I hear they have a big gay following.

[She does the blow-job gesture to Mark and goes to bowl. Sophie smiles at Mark, Jeff looks bemused]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] For the worst thing that could possibly happen, this is actually going extremely well.

Jeremy Usborne:
We've got to get out there, grooving it, doing it, you know? It's been a long time for either of us. I mean, I haven't had my oats in something like... two weeks!

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
Nine months and thirteen days.

Valerie:
So, who exactly are you trying to bone tonight?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, I'm not in the game. If I can get my shopping home intact, I'll be happy.

Valerie:
Just like, be honest about it. I mean, let's line up two naked rows, best-looking people can pick the best-looking people, the dregs can be left with the dregs and we can all go home early and get it over with.

Mark Corrigan:
That, to me, is actually a very attractive system you're proposing.

Jeremy Usborne:
So, girls, what's the weirdest place you've ever done it?

Toni:
I had a steward eat me at the multi-faith area at Dubai airport. God, that was depressing.

Mark Corrigan:
So, old seat-sniffer didn't sniff any of the seats or anything, did he?

Sophie Chapman:
That's a joke, Mark, a rumour that I don't think is appropriate for you to... Jeff's a nice guy.

[Toni is having sex with Jez while her estranged husband is still in the flat]

Jeremy Usborne:
Couldn't we close the door?

Toni:
The idea of getting caught turns me on!

Jeremy Usborne:
But we've already been caught.

Tony:
[from another room] What about the cappuccino machine?

Toni:
You're NEVER... TAKING... THE GAGGIA!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Life's all pain. Pain, rejection and gloom. Why do we even pretend there's anything but a yawning blankness at the heart of...

[he picks a can of tomatoes off the shelf]

Mark Corrigan:
Hey, 33% extra free. I am doing excellent shopping. My depressed state of mind means being even more frugal than normal.

Jeremy Usborne:
What? It's eat as much you can, you know.

Toni:
No, it's eat as much you like. There's no competitive element implied.

Jeremy Usborne:
At ?3.99 I think I know who's winning.

Jeremy Usborne:
You realise that tinned food is just for crackheads and wars?

[At the party, Mark is in the bathroom looking through the medicine cabinet]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Everyone at this party isn't as young, fit and single as they're making out. Yep, let's face it, we're all falling apart piece by piece. Doesn't matter if you're single or in a couple - you, are, going, to, die.

Mark Corrigan:
[putting back the bottle of olive oil Jez has picked off the shelf] Oh, oh, no, no, mate, this stuff's 78 pence a 100 milliliters.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, yeah. I mean, it's first pressing. Or do you want to wait til everyone else has had their fun with the olives? Fourth pressing. Yeah, like that's gonna be a party in your mouth, I don't think!

Jeremy Usborne:
[picking a box of tissues out of Mark's shopping trolley] Look at us, people are gonna think we spend the whole time wanking!

Mark Corrigan:
Don't be ridiculous, they're homey, they're for wiping up mess.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, man mess. Why do you think they're called Man-Size?

Mark Corrigan:
They're for men, men's noses, big manly snot.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Must maintain good relations. Can't propose in bad odour. Jesus! 33% of our mini-break weekend has already gone! Everything's got to be perfect for the big moment.

Sophie Chapman:
Look, let's just go anywhere, yeah?

Mark Corrigan:
[pointing to a restaurant] Well, what about here?

Sophie Chapman:
Uh... do you think? It looks a bit...

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah sure.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
No! No, I don't know what your inexpressible criteria are. Why don't you tell me the secret f***ing formula?

Sophie Chapman:
Why not go back to the place with the weird menus?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, back? No no, we can't go back, we've got to push on, push on to Moscow. I'll just see if, there might be something in one of the guides.

Sophie Chapman:
Oh Mark, put away the guides, I want to have a real experience, I want to go to the places no one goes.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, well I think there's probably a reason why no one goes to the places no one goes, they're overpriced and have poor service.

Sophie Chapman:
Oh, Mark! Will you just try and leave the guides out of it and try and experience this bloody town!

[she grabs the guidebook off him and puts it into a postbox]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh great, she's posted a book. And I suppose I'm supposed to find that incredibly charming and French. Well it's not, it's a waste of ?8.99. But I've got to grin and take it because it's the proposal weekend.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Walking in the grounds of a country hotel. If there wasn't a junkie in my room, shitting and retching and hurling, it'd be like Pride and Prejudice or something!

Gerard:
Excuse me, do you have a light?

Sophie Chapman:
Oh, I'm sorry, we don't smoke.

Isobel:
He thinks I hide his lighter. Do I look like the sort of woman who'd hide her husband's cigarette lighter?

Sophie Chapman:
No, not at all.

Gerard:
She also doesn't look like the sort of person who'd strangle a cat, but I haven't seen Castro in four days.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I'm going to end up proposing on the M4, possibly the M25! How romantic will that be? And it's going to be her fault. Why won't that stupid b*tch let me propose to her?

Jeremy Usborne:
Did she say where she was?

Mark Corrigan:
She thought she might be near a big rock.

Jeremy Usborne:
[sarcastically] Oh great, well, that should be simple enough.

Mark Corrigan:
That's what I was gonna say, then I thought, you know, a bit more comforting and Des Lynam now, I can be all Jimmy Carr about it later.

Mark Corrigan:
We should just keep going, we're bound to hit something soon and we should probably hurry because Sophie said there might be a bit of a thunderstorm coming in.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh great, so we have no idea where we are and there might be a storm coming in and we haven't got any stuff and... Brilliant! We're dead meat.

Mark Corrigan:
This isn't the Matterhorn, Jeremy, it's the Quantocks, nobody dies in the Quantocks. If we're very unlucky we might have wandered onto Exmoor, but...

Jeremy Usborne:
Exmoor? The moors? The barren moors, the moors murderers? We could easily die on a moor! Give me your phone.

Mark Corrigan:
Why?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm gonna call Mountain Rescue.

Mark Corrigan:
No.

Jeremy Usborne:
That's what they're there for.

Mark Corrigan:
We're not calling Moutain Rescue, we're not gonna be two of those idiots you hear about who go up mountains in flip-flops and sombreros and have to get rescued.

Jeremy Usborne:
What, you'd rather be one of the idiots they find frozen to death, being chewed by badgers, drinking their own piss?

Mark Corrigan:
You can't call Mountain Rescue anyway, this isn't a mountain, it's a hill.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh right, they're gonna leave me to die because I haven't got a geography degree? You'd prefer that, wouldn't you, to die rather than to ask for a simple piece of help. We are so going to die.

Mark Corrigan:
Will you please stop saying that?

Mark Corrigan:
Nobody is gonna die, this is Southern England. Nobody dies in Southern England, Jeremy, that just doesn't happen.

Jeremy Usborne:
So, listen mate, about this whole you asking Sophie to get married, I mean, it's brilliant and everything, but I was just wondering, have you considered, like, not doing it?

Mark Corrigan:
Not doing it? But that's what this whole weekend's been about. I saved for three months for the mega-deal vouchers.

Jeremy Usborne:
No, obviously, and after all that clipping you're going to want something to show for it, like a wife. But... is it really a good idea?

Mark Corrigan:
I dunno, I kind of assumed it was because I spend all my time thinking about it. I'm obsessed with it.

Jeremy Usborne:
Ah yeah, but you see, Super Hans is obsessed with crack and poppers and dusting his knob with speed but it doesn't make it right, does it? I mean, what is it about her you actually love?

Mark Corrigan:
Are you kidding? Everything! Her... you know... I mean, she has changed a bit lately, but we had this connection.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right.

Mark Corrigan:
Which, admittedly, is kind of going, but, you know, she's funny. Although now I wonder whether she really was funny or whether she was just being normal but I liked her so much I thought she was funny.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh yeah. I know that one.

Mark Corrigan:
Plus, when I was at the height of Sophie madness it was when, you know, watching her across a hot photocopier, the little looks, the funny doodles.

Jeremy Usborne:
Before you really had a relationship.

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly. It's almost like the more we've gotten to know each other, the worse it's been.

[pauses]

Mark Corrigan:
I mean, we really have almost nothing in common.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, maybe that's a sign?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh my God, I... I don't have to marry her. Jez, I'm not going to ask her to marry me! There might even be other women in the country who are willing to speak to me and now I can go out and find them! Or just give up on women and eat toasted sandwiches and watch TV!

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, don't give up on women, mate. I mean, there's she-males, hookers, Thai Brides, all God's rich tapestry.

Mark Corrigan:
[looking at the oversized Christmas tree in their lounge, bent over and scraping the ceiling at the top] Oh, wow. So, you got it in, in the end. It's quite a specimen.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mmm-hmm. Quite a specimen. I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off.

Mark Corrigan:
[switching the oven on] Where's the turkey, Jeremy?

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

Mark Corrigan:
The turkey. Where's the turkey?

Jeremy Usborne:
I thought you were getting the turkey.

Mark Corrigan:
You what? No turkey? [starts shouting] You f***ing idiot, Jeremy! You total f***ing idiot! That was YOUR job, you f***ing moron! You cretin! YOU'RE A F***HEAD! THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE! A F***ING SHITHEAD! [Jeremy looks very hurt]

Jeremy Usborne:
[quiet voice] It was a joke, Mark. I was joking. It was a Christmas joke.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, I see. Oh.

Jeremy Usborne:
Of course I've got a turkey. It's an organic turkey, I took ages researching it online. It's going to be delicious. [he opens the fridge to reveal the turkey inside]

Mark Corrigan:
[guilty] That looks like a lovely turkey. I'm sorry, I... flew off the handle a bit.

Jeremy Usborne:
[still on the verge of tears] That wasn't very Christmassy.

Mark Corrigan:
[unwrapping his Christmas present from Dobby] Oh, right, yeah, the FlashFoward box set.

Dobby:
It's meant to be amazing. Shall we do it this week?

Mark Corrigan:
Uh, sure, it's just... we watched all the Losts and they were somewhat OK, and Heroes had some interesting themes, but also quite a lot of not-so-interesting themes, and Prison Break... by the end I very much felt I wanted to break out of the prison that Prison Break had become for us, and it's just... don't you think maybe we should... go out?

Dobby:
[disappointed by Mark's reaction] Where to?

Mark Corrigan:
To... not the theatre obviously, but... the National Army Museum?

Dobby:
You'd rather go to the National Army Museum than stay in bed and watch FlashFoward and drink brandy? Are you bonkers?

Mark Corrigan:
Dobby, where do you see yourself in 5 years? I mean, for example, would you want to learn... sailing at all? Or golf?

Dobby:
I wouldn't mind getting a strap-on and you and me spit-roasting Cameron for the Boden catalogue. Was that the sort of thing you have in mind?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She is great. But where does it end? With us sailing the Caribbean, checking our pension pot online? Or much more likely trying to scrape a living pn pub quiz machines from our vast knowledge of popular culture and bar snacks?

Mark Corrigan:
Now obviously, this is a f***ing disaster, but Dobby's staying. For Christmas.

Jeremy Usborne:
[preparing Christmas dinner] Right. Lovely. The more, the merrier.

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly. The more, the merrier, they said as another poor soul was crammed into the Black Hole of Calcutta.

Sarah:
Merry Christmas, Mark, I'm shattered, can I have a glass of champagne?

Mark Corrigan:
Of course, Cava's just through there.

Sarah:
Cava? Ugh.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great. Five seconds before the first disappointment. Got that in early.

Sarah:
Hello, Jeremy.

Jeremy Usborne:
Hello, Sarah. Happy Christmas.

Sarah:
It could be, if you play your cards right.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Ugh, not Sarah, not again. Ding Dong Merrily on my dong, the Christmas elves are weeping.

Pam Corrigan:
[telling the others about a play she's written] It's about this group of young people who are very sexually repressed. But they become less and less repressed due to the influence of this wise, twinkly old Jamaican woman, who leads them through a series of experiences.

Dan Corrigan:
You've got to have a Jamaican if you're going to chase the funding. 'Elf and Safety, innit?

Dan Corrigan:
[spills a bit of his drink] Oh, for fudge's sake!

Mark Corrigan:
It's OK, Dad, the carpet's seen worse.

Sarah:
You Jezzed the carpet just like you Jezzed the directions, Dad! [she and Pam giggle. Mark looks uncomfortable]

Jeremy Usborne:
Erm, Jezzed?

Pam Corrigan:
We got it from Mark, didn't we, Mark?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, right. So, uh... it's when you...

Pam Corrigan:
When you get something wrong - he Jezzed it.

Dan Corrigan:
Total balls-up, a real Jezzing.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right. Yeah. Yeah, that is funny. Sort of a bit like being famous. [the doorbell rings] I'll go and see who that is. Let's hope I don't Jez it, or do a big Mark in my pants.

[Jeremy answers the door. It's Super Hans]

Super Hans:
Happy Christmas, motherf***er.

Jeremy Usborne:
Hans!

Super Hans:
Have a guess what Santa's got in his sack. [reaches inside his bag and takes out a bundle of marijuana] Answer: a wicked big bag of sinister minister.

Jeremy Usborne:
[taking it] Ah. Happy Christmas.

Mark Corrigan:
Hans?

Super Hans:
Merry Christmas, Mark.

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy...

Jeremy Usborne:
[quietly, to Mark] I'm not going to.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, don't.

Sarah:
Super Hans! Merry Christmas, glass of Cava?

Super Hans:
[coming in] Don't mind if I do. Mind out boys, Father Spliffmas coming through.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great. Methadone in the mulled wine.

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

Mark Corrigan:
It's your fault.

Jeremy Usborne:
It's not my fault. I was holding the line.

Mark Corrigan:
Yes, but you know him. You shouldn't know him.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, I'm sorry, but I do know him.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ugh. Merry migraine and a happy new stomach ulcer.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] My mother is giving me socks depicting a sexual position I have never even attempted. How little she knows me.

[During a game of Charades]

Dan Corrigan:
Jez, over here. Got one for you. [whispers in Jeremy's ear] Thus Spake Zarathustra.

Jeremy Usborne:
Excuse me?

Dan Corrigan:
It's a book by Nietzsche. [he grins wickedly]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh, great. F***ing thanks, Dan. Thus? No. Spake? No. Zarathustra? Nope. [he starts flapping his arms like a chicken]

Super Hans:
Chicken Run.

Jeremy Usborne:
Correct. [he goes to sit back down]

Dan Corrigan:
But...

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] F*** you, Dan. [out loud, innocently] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you said Chicken Run.

Dan Corrigan:
Now, where's the cauliflower?

Mark Corrigan:
Cauliflower is not traditional, Dad.

Dan Corrigan:
[shouts] CAULIFLOWER IS TRADITIONAL!

[a very awkward silence falls upon the table]

Dobby:
I don't know if it really is traditional, actually.

Dan Corrigan:
Could you not slip a muzzle on your woman, please, Mark?

[Dobby's jaw drops. The silence continues]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I notice I'm not saying anything.

Mark Corrigan:
Ahhhh...

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Still not saying anything...

[Dobby looks at him, waiting for him to say something]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Nothing coming...

Dobby:
[getting up] You'll have to excuse me. Thank you, this has all been horrible.

Super Hans:
Oi, Mrs C, answer me this, have you ever had a parrot?

Pam Corrigan:
Err... no.

Super Hans:
It's just you look like you might enjoy a cock-or-two.

Pam Corrigan:
[laughs] Oh! That's very cheeky, Hans.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is the spirit of Christmas, Super Hans bonking Mum doggy-style in the airing cupboard.

Dan Corrigan:
We're not playing bleeding Pictionary. It's a made-up game.

[at a fairground]

Sophie Chapman:
So, what next?

Mark Corrigan:
Well, they all look garish and unsafe so why don't you choose?

Super Hans:
[looking at the junk-filled room which is going to be their pub] Oh yeah. F*** yeah, look at this place!

Jeremy Usborne:
I know. Still, we can move all this crap out and put a bar in, what, over there?

Super Hans:
No mate, no way. Don't change nothing. It's perfect.

Jeremy Usborne:
Perfect? Super Hans, it doesn't even look like a pub.

Super Hans:
Exactly. I've been down enough bloody city boy chain pubs with their logos in the foam and disinfectant in the lager, air freshener in the mayo. Nah, I wanna run a place that makes a difference.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, well, I'm sure we can sort that out somehow. Let's start by getting rid of this.

Super Hans:
[slams his hand down on the washing machine next to him] That stays. That's the reason I fell in love with this place.

Jeremy Usborne:
You want a washing machine in the pub?

Super Hans:
It'll freak 'em out! What the f***'s a washing machine doing in a pub? Jesus, I need a drink. Yeah? And boom, they'll have to have one of our organic scrumpies.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right, the thing is, Hans, as I've said before, I really just think we should serve at least one lager, and nuts. You know, people like lager and nuts.

Super Hans:
People like Coldplay and voted for the Nazis. You can't trust people, Jeremy.

[Merry is acting a bit strange]

Merry:
Ohh, Mark. You've turned into quite a hunk, haven't you? You're a hunky.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, uh, actually it may surprise you to learn that no one's ever said that to me before.

Merry:
You want to put your popsicle into my purse?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh my God, I'm being propositioned.

Merry:
I wrote you a letter, I didn't send it, but I don't know if you...

[she gets a letter from the mantelpiece and hands it to him]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Letter? Popsicle? This isn't good.

[to Merry]

Mark Corrigan:
Right. Thank you.

Merry:
You know, my bone's got a little machine.

Mark Corrigan:
Does it? Really?

Merry:
OK, I'm just gonna go to the bathroom.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Maybe I should follow her, she's so hyper she's probably really great at sex. But there's always the chance I'll get the toilet seat slammed on my cock for no reason.

Mark Corrigan:
So, the pub. What are you calling it?

Jeremy Usborne:
No problem there. I mean, we're deadlocked on that, and a few other things, but I'm definitely not co-managing a pub called Free the Paedos.

Jeremy Usborne:
Just imagine, me in the pub all day, but no one can say a thing because it's my job and I've got to be there. I'll literally get paid to go to the pub.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, I mean, I guess it won't be quite like being paid just to go to the pub because you'll be doing all the pub stuff, the barrels, the tubes, the debit card authorisations.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, do you have to live quite so relentlessly in the real world?

Mark Corrigan:
OK Jez, fine, but have you done your market research?

Jeremy Usborne:
Market research? If you build it, they will come, that's my market research.

Mark Corrigan:
Your market research is Field of Dreams? I mean, a man who made a baseball pitch in his garden for ghosts, that's your role model?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm just really not happy with the name Free the Paedos. I mean, can't we call it something more normal like... The Swan and Tomato?

Super Hans:
Yeah, or compromise? The Swan... and Paedo.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Incredible, still no call from Soph. If she's broken up with me, maybe I suppose I could consider Merry. It would sort of suit me to have a girlfriend in an institution. Regulated meeting times. I might get to have a say in her medication. I'd like to be able to chemically alter my girlfriend's moods.

[Jeremy is giving Mark an 'overdose' of Lempsip]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Sh*t, could this actually kill him? It's not going to kill him, it's just loads and loads of medicine. He'll probably wake up in three days completely cured.

[to Mark]

Jeremy Usborne:
You should drink all that down.

Mark Corrigan:
OK thanks, I will.

[He continues to drink mug of Lemsip]

Jeremy Usborne:
That's right, drink it all down. OK, have a nice nap.

Mark Corrigan:
Thanks.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] It'll be OK, it's not like I'm going to rape him... I could rape him... I'm not going to rape him.

[!]

[Jeremy has locked Mark in his room and pushed a takeaway bag under the door for him to go to the toilet in]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh God. Can I do this? If I do this, even if I end up marrying Sophie and we live in a detached house in Surrey and buy a holiday home in Umbria, our children will always look up at the face of a man who once crapped into a takeaway bag. Plus I'd have to hide it here somewhere, in my room next to one of my things. I could throw it out the window. No, that's what they want you to do, that's where society's headed! People shitting in bags and throwing them out the window at each other, well, I'm not going to be the first! Not in my name!

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark's going to Frankfurt, and I thought maybe, if you fancied, magic mushroom party at my place.

Big Suze:
Oh, I don't know. Magic mushrooms? Sounds a bit scary.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh Suze, it's not scary. You just lose a sense of who you are and all that sh*t.

Big Suze:
Will I still be able to play the piano?

Jeremy Usborne:
Of course, Suze, they're mushrooms, they're completely natural. Nothing natural ever hurt anybody, that's a scientific fact.

Big Suze:
I suppose in a way it's the sort of thing I should be doing. If it's something I don't want to do, then it's probably something I should definetely try, you know what I mean?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, exactly. I mean, if people only did everything they wanted, everyone would just spend all day sitting on the carpet, watching the poker channel, wanking and eating those expensive German biscuits.

[Suze gives him a look]

Jeremy Usborne:
Probably.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, stop, relax, it's OK, it's fine. You're recuperating. Have some lunch.

[hands him a bowl of crisps]

Jeremy Usborne:
Three different flavours all mixed up. Mmm, exciting. And then after that, beans. Until you're better, I'm going to cook all your meals.

Mark Corrigan:
Right. Thanks. Crisps and beans.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
What will come first, scurvy or rickets?

Jeremy Usborne:
You da man!

Mark Corrigan:
I'm a man!

Jeremy Usborne:
It's you "da" man.

Mark Corrigan:
Whatever, Jeremy, let's not quibble. I'm a man!

[Jeremy is making friends with the carpenter who is fixing their bathroom door]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Sh*t, we're so angry together. The righteous indignation of the common man. Maybe we could start a union, the woodworkers and general persons union.

[to the carpenter]

Jeremy Usborne:
Listen bro, you fancy a bit of a jam? I've got a bongo, we could have a cheeky toke.

Andy:
Yeah, why not? Sweet as.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Maybe we'll become best mates and he'll train me up to be a carpenter like Jesus. And if I get crucified, he'll start a religion in my name. Jeremism. I'm a Jeremist. Nice.

[about Big Suze]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I bet she even does nice poos, little Maltesers that smell like The Body Shop.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Made excellent time. Great bus driver. Same old route, though. I should probably alter it occassionally, evade kidnappers. Not much of a risk, but I'd feel such an ass if it did happen.

Mark Corrigan:
You let Super Hans use for my bed for... filth!

Jeremy Usborne:
[very poorly pretending to care] Oh, no. They didn't go in there did they? Oh, that really is too much. Oh, I'm annoyed now. I'm so annoyed with them. That is too much.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, where in our massive duplex did you think they'd be? In one of the guest suites, or the billiard room?

[about Jeremy]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Why is he so happy? I suppose I'd be happy if I just spent the whole day practising my signature and measuring my knob with dental floss.

Super Hans:
[in the bathroom] I can't get out! Let me out!

Jeremy Usborne:
It's all right, Hans, it's just the handle, it's funny, you need to lift it...

Super Hans:
This is bullshit!

[he kicks the door down]

Super Hans:
Sorry, lads. Locked doors. Little switch just flicks, you know? Ever since Dad locked me in the airing cupboard to monitor the home brew.

Mark Corrigan:
[about the broken bathroom door] Look, Jeremy, I know for you, doing your business in public is probably some sort of dream come true but I can't live like that. You need to sort this out.

Jeremy Usborne:
It's just, Big Suze and everyone, they're coming over. And you might want to make yourself scarce because we're going to be taking some magic mushrooms.

Mark Corrigan:
Magic mushrooms?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, and we're gonna smash down the doors of perception so we can see all the stuff that...

Mark Corrigan:
Isn't really there.

Jeremy Usborne:
That is really there but we don't normally see because we're so transfixed on...

Mark Corrigan:
The stuff that is really there.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, it's so simple for you, isn't it? But the truth that you're so scared of hearing is that in fact reality and fantasy are exactly the same thing.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great... OK, so I've dumped my sister. That's great, that feels good. I'm intrigued to see what I'm gonna do next, maybe I'll ring up Grandad and tell him I think he's a boring twat.

[about Big Suze]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] God, she's so posh, that I, Mark Corrigan, who was privately educated until dad's British Aerospace shares went kaput, could be her bit of rough.

[Big Suze is staying in Mark's room and she invites Mark to sleep in the bed with her]

Big Suze:
Do you know what you are, Mark? A big, cuddly grouch ball. It's like sharing a bed with Fozzie Bear or Oscar the Grouch.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Maybe something could happen. In the same bed, human nature might take its course.

Big Suze:
You're kind of like a modern-day eunuch, aren't you, Mark?

Mark Corrigan:
Yes, I suppose so.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] How can Mark be in love with Big Suze? It's like Swaziland trying to invade China. It's a bloody political joke.

Big Suze:
You don't, do you, have feelings for me, Mark?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is it. Go for it. Tell her. Betray Sophie, destroy Jeremy. [to Big Suze] No. God, no, as you know, I'm in love with Sophie.

Big Suze:
Right. Because I thought...

Mark Corrigan:
Honestly, Suze, I like you, sort of, but not even really that much. I mean, you're very, you know... horsey. You're the horsey type. Not that I've got a chip on my shoulder, but you're sort of a throwback, a kind of a Marie Antoinette figure. Let them eat cake. Not that she ever said that, it's a mistranslation, but... you know, big, stupid posh-head, that's you.

[after leaving Jeremy, to his delight, to reunite with her husband, Sarah turns back up at the door of the flat, in tears]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] How am I going to get out of this? She's like one of those horrible big turds that just won't flush!

Sophie Chapman:
[picking out a T-shirt with Mao Tze-tung on it] What about this?

Mark Corrigan:
You do know who that is, don't you?

Sophie Chapman:
Yeah, it's Chairman Mao, isn't it?

Mark Corrigan:
Exactly, the man was responsible for the deaths of 60 million people. I don't want him on my chest.

Sophie Chapman:
60 million, that's more than Stalin, isn't it?

Mark Corrigan:
It's not a competition, Soph. Although if it was, Mao would probably win.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, it was really nice of Sophie inviting me but I've actually got loads of really important stuff I need to do this weekend.

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, a carton of Mars Bar milk, a small bag of marijuana and a pirated DVD of Anchorman is not important stuff.

Penny Chapman:
You look different from your photo, is the beard new?

Sophie Chapman:
I thought it would give him a bit of edge. And we're thinking of going short with the hair soon, too.

Penny Chapman:
Makes you look handsome, like a policeman.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, thank you. You're obviously very attractive too. [voiceover] Ugh, what next? Am I gonna tell her she's got lovely tits?

[Mark and Jeremy are going bird shooting with Sophie's dad]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh God, the first fiancee challenge and I've got a gun. An actual gun. It's OK, it's perfectly normal, this is the country, this is what farmers do, they go around shooting crows and trespassers, and eventually, because of the EU, themselves.

Mark Corrigan:
[has just shot down a pheasant] I got it! I got one, I got one!

Jeremy Usborne:
[unimpressed] Congratulations. You've killed a sentient being.

Ian Chapman:
Well done, Mark. But you only winged it.

[the pheasant is lying on the ground, twitching]

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, is that not...?

Ian Chapman:
No, you've got to finish it off.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, right.

[he points his shotgun at it]

Ian Chapman:
No, don't shoot it! God!

Mark Corrigan:
[raising his foot above it] What, shall I?

Ian Chapman:
Don't stamp on it! Jesus. Wring its neck.

Mark Corrigan:
Its neck?

Ian Chapman:
Yes, wring its neck, it's suffering.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is the ultimate good impression test. If I can do this, I'll never have to carve a chicken or discuss spark plugs or prove I love his daughter.

[he picks up the pheasant]

Ian Chapman:
Now, be careful you don't...

[Mark accidentally wrenches the bird's head off. Blood spurts out]

Ian Chapman:
Oh, Mark. You've pulled its bloody head off.

Mark Corrigan:
[horrified] There's blood all over me!

[Sophie appears with a bag]

Sophie Chapman:
Teas, coffees for the huntsmen!

Jeremy Usborne:
No teas for the beastmaster, thanks. He feasts on the blood of his prey.

Ian Chapman:
[handing Mark a pint of beer] There you go. It's got a bit of a head on, but I'm sure you'll see to that in a hurry.

Sophie Chapman:
Oh Dad, don't go on about it. It was horrible.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh my God, you didn't! You f***ed her! Jeremy, you need chemical castration, you're out of control! That's Sophie's mother!

Jeremy Usborne:
She's hot.

Mark Corrigan:
She's not out of Hollyoaks, Jeremy, she probably had a ration book! Oh, you're a piece of work, aren't you? I'm down the pub putting the hours in with the dad and you're back at the house banging the mum! That is not a good impression.

Jeremy Usborne:
I don't know, I think I made a pretty good impression.

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, please, don't smile like that. You're not James Bond, you're disgusting!

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I am James Bond.

[Mark and Jeremy are in a field with Sophie's dad, who is using a metal detector and wearing headphones]

Jeremy Usborne:
So come on, Mark, why haven't you told her yet?

Mark Corrigan:
Shh! He can hear.

Jeremy Usborne:
He can't hear.

[to Ian]

Jeremy Usborne:
Can you, you big fox-hunting, badger-baiting, tweed shirt, bumf*** homophobe?

[Ian turns to them, taking his headphones off]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh, sh*t.

Ian Chapman:
[holding up a bottle cap] Bottle cap. Another one for the collection.

[he puts his headphones back on and carries on with the metal detector]

Jeremy Usborne:
So, come on. Are you having second thoughts?

Mark Corrigan:
I don't know, maybe. I mean, she's so nice. So what if I don't really love her? Charles didn't really love Diana and they were all right. Sort of.

Ian Chapman:
[still wearing his headphones] You don't really love Sophie?

Mark Corrigan:
What? No.

Ian Chapman:
That's what you said.

Mark Corrigan:
No, I didn't.

Ian Chapman:
Yes, you did.

Mark Corrigan:
No, no, because of distortion, there was probably a buzz. There might an ancient Saxon coin right here...

[he gets down and starts sifting through the mud]

Ian Chapman:
Stop it, Mark. I heard every word. And for the record, Jeremy, I may be a homophobe, but I'm no badger baiter.

Jeremy Usborne:
So, I like your barn, Ian.

Ian Chapman:
It's full of crap no one has any use for. Maybe that's why I feel so at home here. Ha.

[Ian suspects Penny is having sex with one of his neighbours]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Oh, thank you, Dan, whoever you are.

Ian Chapman:
Penny's probably been doing his curtains all day. "Out you lot go, I'm ramming Dan." Oh yeah, it was Ramadan at his place today, but he's no Muslim.

Ian Chapman:
There it is, Dan's barn.

Mark Corrigan:
Or you could just post something negative on the internet or blank him in the post office, that would send out a pretty horrible message.

Ian Chapman:
This is the law of the jungle, this is an eye for an eye.

Mark Corrigan:
And you're sure you're poking the right man in the eye?

Ian Chapman:
[holding up a Molotov cocktail] Light it.

[Mark lights the rag stuffed into the glass bottle filled with petrol. Ian runs towards the barn]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Well, this is not what I expected. You think you'll be playing Simpsons Monopoly and you end up an arsonist. Still, at least it's not me he's trying to incinerate.

Jeremy Usborne:
What was all that about, trying to get him to poke me in the eye? Let him poke Dan in the eye!

Mark Corrigan:
Right, so instead of facing up to your responsibilities, poor old Dan's going to wake up with his barn burnt, saying goodbye to his no-claims bonus.

[Ian throws the bottle into the barn and it rapidly goes up in flames]

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, stop moaning. We're out with a man who owns guns, you're chucking his daughter and I've screwed his wife. Tonight is going, if a bit weird, extremely f***ing well for us.

Mark Corrigan:
I suppose you're right. Plus maybe burning stuff is, not normal, but less of a big deal out here than it is in a major conurbation.

Jeremy Usborne:
Exactly. I nick your milk, you burn my barn.

Mark Corrigan:
Like scrumping, for apples.

Ian Chapman:
[runs back to them] That's teach him to put his dick where it's not wanted!

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, take that, barny!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh God, I'm a firestarter, a twisted firestarter!

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'm a motherf***er. That's literally what I am.

Penny Chapman:
Come back soon.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Yeah right, so your husband can kill me and your son can worship my stuffed corpse and you can wheel me out for a f***? No thank you!

Jeremy Usborne:
[watching the news about Tony Blair's resignation] But what's Blair going to do?

Super Hans:
Maybe he'll become an ethical porn star.

Jeremy Usborne:
Or a supergroup. Blair on guitar, Bono on vocals, Clinton on sax.

Super Hans:
Yeah, that is defintely going to happen. Geldof's gonna sh*t.

[Mark and Jez are in the guest bedroom at Sophie's parents' house. Someone knocks on the door, Mark thinks it's Sophie and doesn't want to see her]

Mark Corrigan:
[whispering] Snore!

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

[Mark starts making snoring noises, Jez copies him. The door opens; it's Sophie's mother]

Penny Chapman:
I heard you snoring, but you're not asleep.

Mark Corrigan:
No, just... practising.

Mark Corrigan:
I just wondered if you fancied coming down with me to the F*** Bunker...

Dobby:
Is that what you call the stationary cupboard?

Mark Corrigan:
No, God, no. It's a venue, uh, my mate's playing gig down there on Friday and I just thought it might be cool to swing by there and check it out.

Dobby:
[smiling] Your mate's playing a gig, check it out? Mark, you're not trying to get away with pretending you're a normal human being, are you?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She's the one! Oh Dobby, let me chew on your weird hair.

[Mark enters a small storage room. Dobby is inside]

Dobby:
Hi Mark. Nice to see you.

Mark Corrigan:
Dobby... likewise.

Dobby:
There's meant to be a bunch of USB sticks here, but...

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] God, there's an atmosphere. Sexual tension? Or just misfits scared of sexual tension?

[the door shuts behind them]

Dobby:
Ooh, er!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh no, this is disciplinary hearing waiting to happen!

Dobby:
[Tries to reach something on a shelf] Oh, I can't reach, could you?

Mark Corrigan:
Er, yeah sure. Erm... you'll, uh, you'll have to... move.

Dobby:
Yeah, I should move, but... I might not move.

[She begins to rub her bottom against Mark's private area]

Jeff Heaney:
What's that on your trousers?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh God, it's seeping through!

Jeff Heaney:
Have you pissed yourself?

Mark Corrigan:
Er... yeah. Yeah, I did a little bit of wee on myself, so...

Jeff Heaney:
You twat!

[Jeff and Sophie laugh at him]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh yeah, they can laugh, but I win because they think I pissed myself, they've no clue I came all in my pants!

Mark Corrigan:
You know, Jez, I've started to get this feeling that I'm totally, totally f***ed. You know? Everything's f***ed. I f***ed my wedding, I f***ed up my only ever relationship, everything's just completely f***ed.

Jeremy Usborne:
You have been feeling this for a while.

Mark Corrigan:
But now I'm starting to think that maybe that's a good thing, cos now I can get on and do everything I've always wanted to do, join Mensa, learn the clarinet. I could become a Scout leader.

Jeremy Usborne:
[trying to hide a smirk] Mm-hm.

Mark Corrigan:
What are you smiling for? Look, Scouting is noble tradition. You do not have to be a paedo to wanna to work with children, all right?

Jeremy Usborne:
[whispering] But it probably helps.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh God, that is so... I spent five happy years in the Scouts and never once...

Jeremy Usborne:
You told me Kinky Layton was all over you.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, all right, Layton was a bit of a paedo, but not in a bad way, just boosting you over the climbing wall, making you run round the camp in your pants. It was old-style paedo-ing, before it got such a bad name.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
'Course, Layton only really had eyes for Duncan Carpenter, the doe-eyed little flirt.

[Mark and Sophie are on their first day back at work since their failed wedding. Mark is walking past a couple of women, who are giving him looks]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh, the gossip mill. That's right, stare at Hess, throw fruit at Hess, pacing his prison yard.

[Jeremy and Super Hans are listening to Barney's track]

Jeremy Usborne:
Listening to this, it did make me think, lately, I've been having some ideas and this is exactly the sort of thing that I was thinking of doing.

Super Hans:
He's nicked your idea?

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, has he? That's what I'm wondering. Nicked my idea and then done it back to me.

Super Hans:
I reckon we should invite him down, I think we could teach this kid a thing or two.

Jeremy Usborne:
Until he arrives, shall we send this out to promoters?

Super Hans:
Yeah. I think this is probably the best example of the sort of stuff we do we've ever had.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh yeah, cos sometimes it's really hard actually to do your own ideas.

[Mark is sitting with Dobby at lunch. She picks up a block of cheese and scrapes some onto her jacket potato]

Mark Corrigan:
Wow, you carry your only personal cheese? Is that allowed?

Dobby:
I'm a smoker, I need Man-Cheddar, you know? If you like, you could...

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] If I was seen sharing cheese with a woman it could be misinterpreted. My approval rating would drop through the floor. Plus, it look like she might gnaw on it. [to Dobby] I'm fine. I think if I ate anything with any flavour in this room my body would probably spasm due to shock.

Mark Corrigan:
Wow, the Ladies'. Nice to see it's almost as disgusting as the Gents'.

Dobby:
Yeah well, it used to be all pink and tidy but then feminism happened and we all just started pissing on the floor!

Barney Chapman:
I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home. I wanna go home.

Jeremy Usborne:
What's going on?

Super Hans:
He wants to go home.

Mark Corrigan:
[to Sophie's father] I'm so sorry about all this, Ian.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Ian? He is Ian, isn't he? Suppose now I've jilted his daughter I could call him Captain Cockring and it wouldn't make things any worse.

[At work, Mark has gone into the kitchen to make himself a cup of tea. Lisa, one of his co-workers, sidles in]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Oh, knickers! Here we go, Lisa!

[Lisa quietly takes her mug off the peg]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She's not saying anything! Brilliant! Good old English reserve.

Lisa:
Um, Mark, I just wanna say, about the wedding and everything... that I think you're a real piece of sh*t.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, OK. [voiceover] That's fair. Lisa is a very fair person.

Jeremy Usborne:
[reading from a book about childbirth] The foetal head then passes below the pubic arch. At this point the woman may feel a burning or stinging sensation.

Mark Corrigan:
The phrase "No sh*t, Sherlock" comes to mind.

Mark Corrigan:
The truth is, and I really wish it wasn't true, but I'm a... paedophobe, to be honest.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh. Right. [voiceover] Oh, my life! [to Mark] I mean, I... I suppose I always wondered whether...

Mark Corrigan:
I've always felt really weird around children, you know?

Jeremy Usborne:
Right. Yeah. [voiceover] Act supportive or punch his lights out? [to Mark] And are you going to get help for...

Mark Corrigan:
I don't know. I mean, what sort of help can you get for an irrational fear of children?

Jeremy Usborne:
[releases what Mark meant and is relieved] Paedophobe! Oh, right.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, what did you think I meant? [pause] Oh my God, Jeremy!

Jeremy Usborne:
It's just, paedo, phobe, I mean, they're both bad. I thought you were saying you were a mega-paedo!

Mark Corrigan:
You thought I was saying I was a mega-paedo? And your reaction was that you'd always wondered?

Jeremy Usborne:
So, what are you in for? You don't have to tell me if it's disgusting.

Zahra:
My boyfriend's in intensive care.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Boyfriend. [to Zahra] Oh.

Zahra:
Yeah. He's in a bad way. Unconscious. They don't know when he's going to come round.

Jeremy Usborne:
That's... terrible. [voiceover] Terri-brill!

[In the hospital, Mark finds Jeremy sitting at Ben's bedside, reading to him]

Mark Corrigan:
Jez?

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, hi, Mark.

Mark Corrigan:
What are you doing?

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm reading FHM to this unconscious guy.

Mark Corrigan:
But why?

Jeremy Usborne:
Because I have a heart.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah?

[Zahra comes back into the room, still on her phone. Mark realises what's going on]

Zahra:
Work's crazy. Thanks so much.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, OK.

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

Mark Corrigan:
Nothing.

Jeremy Usborne:
What?

Mark Corrigan:
Nothing.

Jeremy Usborne:
[getting up] No, go on, what?

Mark Corrigan:
No, it's fine.

Jeremy Usborne:
What are you saying?

Mark Corrigan:
Nothing.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, there's no need to all cynical just because...

Mark Corrigan:
Jeremy, it's fine. I'm actually quite glad it's all a filthy duplicitous ploy, I was worried you had a complete personality change.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, just because I'm doing something decent there has to be this weird thing going on?

Mark Corrigan:
Uh, yes. Normally, yes.

Midwife:
OK, darling. Baby's doing fine, I just want to see how you're doing, see how dilated you are, OK? [she puts on a rubber glove]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Hmm, stuck on the Medical Channel and there's no remote control. [the Midwife slips her hand between Sophie's legs. Sophie winces. Mark and Jeremy look at each other awkwardly]

Jeremy Usborne:
Maybe some... music?

Mark Corrigan:
Yes. Yeah, m-maybe some music.

Sophie Chapman:
[gasps] Uh-huh.

[Jeremy goes over to a small hi-fi and switches it on. Panpipe music plays]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] What a bastard. That's gonna drive us all totally bonkers.

Midwife:
Yeah, you're doing great, you're fully dilated. Your baby's coming. There's no time for an epidural. [Sophie groans. The midwife leaves]

Sophie Chapman:
She put her whole hand in!

Mark Corrigan:
Blimey.

Sophie Chapman:
I didn't think she'd put her whole hand in!

Mark Corrigan:
No, God.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, maybe I should go.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Of course, brings the insufferable music, then goes. He's like the 1980s.

Super Hans:
So, uh, how's it all going with Soph and the baby?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, you know, for a while it's been pretty boring but I think we're getting to the utterly terrifying bit.

Super Hans:
Take my advice, stay away from the goal end, mate.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah?

Super Hans:
Yeah. You don't wanna get thinking about that. It's like the... it's like the Channel Tunnel. Lovely, it's all about your holidays, but imagine you saw a f***ing huge baby coming out of it. Never be the same again.

Mark Corrigan:
Right.

Super Hans:
One other tip, trip.

Mark Corrigan:
What?

Super Hans:
Trip your f***ing nuts off, makes it amazing.

Mark Corrigan:
Isn't it pretty amazing anyway?

Super Hans:
Dunno. Yeah, maybe. But if you're tripping and you're having a baby, it's like "Fuuuck!" You know? You see a little guy come out of there, what's gonna happen next? Frogs out of her arsehole? Milk out of her ears? Anything's possible.

Sophie Chapman:
[in labour] Aaaaaargh! Bastard, bastard, fat bastard!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Is that for me or just general bastarding?

Sophie Chapman:
Oh, f*** off, f*** off!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] If she keeps saying "f*** off", I might f*** off. That's got to be within your rights, to f*** off if someone repeatedly screams at you to f*** off.

[to the midwife]

Mark Corrigan:
Can I... I just need to nip to the little boys' room.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, the little boys' room, for little boys.

Jeremy Usborne:
[to Zahra] We need to get you some answers. Is he going to pull through? You need to know. [voiceover] I need to know. Right now I'm a supporting character in a weepy, when I want to be the leading man in a porno!

[Mark has walked out of the hospital while Sophie is in labour and has ended up in an amusement arcade, playing a shoot-em-up video game]

Mark Corrigan:
Hmm. Is this the worst thing I've ever done? It might be.

[Mark walks back into Sophie's hospital room, but instead of her there's a woman in a birthing pool. While the nurses tend to her, a man crouches beside the pool holding a fishing net]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] That could so easily have been me, a useless gnome, fishing for turds.

Mark Corrigan:
But Elena's betrayed you, how does it make a difference that it's with another woman?

Jeremy Usborne:
Because it's hot! I mean, even a dried-up, desiccated old Bran Flake on toast like you should be able to see that.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] If I'm a Bran Flake, he's a slutty Sugar Puff.

Johnson:
Don't thank me, thank the Microsoft Office family - PowerPoint, Excel and Word, the Three Amigos.

Elena:
We need to be more careful. Gail's in Mensa for God's sakes. She reads books, for fun.

Mark Corrigan:
[on the phone to Jeremy] Yes, I got Rizla papers. Normal, I refuse to buy "King Skins", it's like asking to buy a hypodermic needle.

Mark Corrigan:
[Mark has caught Elena on the phone to another lover] So, everything going good with Elena, do you feel?

Jeremy Usborne:
Amazing. It's impossibe to say how great she is just using stupid words. Maybe one day you'll fall in love and then you'll understand.

Mark Corrigan:
Uh-huh, maybe.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
Could wipe that patronizing smile off his face with the truth. No, it'll be like picking off innocent bystanders with a sniper rifle, fun at first but it would quickly become a depressing chore.

Jeremy Usborne:
How's it going with Consultiarium?

Mark Corrigan:
Brilliant. Great. One good thing is I'm worrying quite a lot of the time whether Johnson isn't totally losing his nut.

Jeremy Usborne:
Really?

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah. I look at him sometimes now and think, you know, has Daddy's hat fallen off?

Jeremy Usborne:
Daddy's hat?

Mark Corrigan:
Yes, has daddy's hat fallen off and he's just standing there naked?

Johnson:
Here's my pitch: New Management Consultancy, you and me. I'm the face, you're the, uh, tendons and the grisly sh*t under the surface. Whaddaya say?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh my God... I don't know. Really?

Johnson:
Look at you! You're like the fat girl who's just been asked to the school disco.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, yeah... my only hesitation is that I don't have any actual experience of management consulting...

[Johnson shuts Mark's lips with his fingers]

Johnson:
In, fire 30% of the workforce, new logo, boom! Out. You are now a fully trained management consultant.

Johnson:
Relax, Mark. You've seen this from the Sales Direct guys? [he hands Mark a letter] They say they look foward to hearing from us in the future. They "look foward to it". Now, what about that doesn't spell to you serious interest?

Mark Corrigan:
Right. [voiceover] Just keep nodding and smiling. Nodding and smiling like Colonel Gaddafi's psychoanalyst.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants, that's the rule. Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.

[Jeremy walks past the bedroom door, naked apart from a pair of socks]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] He just does not give one solitary sh*t.

[Mark takes two slices of toast from the toaster]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Brown for first course, white for pudding. Brown's savoury, white's the treat. ' 'Course I'm the one who's laughing because I actually love brown toast.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Clerical Assistant? I can't be a Clerical Assistant, I'm a musician. You wouldn't ask The Chemical Brothers to do your laundry for you, they'd be off their tits.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Workshy freeloader.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Tight-fisted cockmuncher.

[Mark has just had a go at some guy for using the lift to only go to the first floor and he walked off with a limp]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] People like him should wear stickers. They've got them for their cars... Oh yeah, great idea, Adolf!

Mark Corrigan:
[to Sophie] Later, potater! [voiceover] Ugh, potater? What have I become?

[Jeremy and Super Hans are having a musical disagreement]

Super Hans:
Oh right, well this is it, is it? This is the end of the Hair Blair Bunch?

Jeremy Usborne:
We are not the Hair Blair Bunch.

Super Hans:
Whatever, sorry, this is the end of Spunk Bubble.

Jeremy Usborne:
This is the end of Momma's Kumquat.

Super Hans:
This is not the end of Momma's Kumquat, Jez, because I never agreed to it being Momma's Kumquat.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, if this is it, if this is John and Paul, 1970, then I need money for the equipment.

Super Hans:
This is like your whole Balearic bullshit, innit? One minute it's all "Oh, I love you man" the next, it's "Where that 50 quid you owe me?"

Jeremy Usborne:
Look I'm just saying I need money and...

Super Hans:
Hey listen mate, sh*t is as sh*t does my friend.

[He starts to leave but then turns around]

Super Hans:
Oh look Jez, I'm sorry mate, this is all bullshit. We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch...

Jeremy Usborne:
We are not the Hair Blair Bunch!

[Mark empties a packet of crisps into his mouth]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Enter the pit of Sarlacc, little crisps!

Mark Corrigan:
The truth is... The truth is, I suppose, I like you. That's why I said the song. I like you. Is that such a crime? Should I be hounded to the ends of the Earth just for liking you? I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just... you know, f*** off.

Sophie Chapman:
No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.

Jeremy Usborne:
Super Hans says he's come up with a bass loop for our track that is so good, that when he tried turning it off, he literally couldn't do it. He actually physically couldn't do it.

[Jeremy is masturbating while looking at Mark's "Fantasy Figure Modeller" magazine]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf, so she might be "Ohh, you dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin." Oh yeah. Pixie ears. But that sword, what if she was a hobbit slayer? I'd just use my enchanted amulet. Yeah... yield to me, hobbit slayer. You will touch my magic cock.

Jeremy Usborne:
Ah, you see! He did do it, but for a nice reason. Who's the racist now, Mark?

Mark Corrigan:
[leaving an answerphone message] Er, Sophie, if you heard that, please ignore it. I'm not a racist, far from it. Anyway... it's good to hear your voice. I know it's only a recording but you have got a bloody nice voice and... God, uh, I just called up to say hi and then...

[sings awkwardly]

Mark Corrigan:
Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like... I like you.

[pause]

Mark Corrigan:
I mean, not that. But anyway, I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low so, I know it's not really your job but, you know, so... see you tomorrow.

[puts the phone down]

Mark Corrigan:
F***, f***, f***, f***!

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, f***!

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, my God.

Jeremy Usborne:
Jesus!

Mark Corrigan:
I've really f***ed it. Have I f***ed it?

Jeremy Usborne:
Maybe it was charming.

Mark Corrigan:
It was the behaviour of an oddball.

Jeremy Usborne:
No, not an oddball, a maverick... um, you may not play by the rules but, by Christ you get results.

[at a job interview]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Sh*t, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious. I'm Di, she's Bashir.

[At the job interview]

Barbara Bingham:
Well, I guess that's everything. Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yes, Barbara. Yes, there is. Barbara, how much washing-up do you think you could do without any washing-up liquid?

Mark Corrigan:
No, Jeremy.

Barbara Bingham:
Where's this...

Jeremy Usborne:
It's a unique business opportunity.

Mark Corrigan:
It's pyramid selling, Barbara, I'm very sorry.

Jeremy Usborne:
It's not pyramid selling, Mark. It's...

Mark Corrigan:
It's pyramid selling and you're making a fool of yourself!

Jeremy Usborne:
You're pissing on my bonfire!

Mark Corrigan:
There is no bonfire!

Jeremy Usborne:
Because you keep pissing on it!

Mark Corrigan:
This is low. This is really low.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy elves and pixies!

Mark Corrigan:
What does that mean? I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean!

Toni:
The first thing to say is this is definitely not pyramid selling, OK

Jeremy Usborne:
Right, good. What's pyramid selling?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] She's ignoring me. Of course she's ignoring me, this morning I sent her a bloody swastika. Jesus! This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever and... Relax, Mark, you're not Hitler in his bunker. He was really under the cosh. Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend.

[Jeremy tries to pitch the pyramid scheme to Mark, who immediately dismisses it]

Jeremy Usborne:
Are you trying to piss on my bonfire?

Mark Corrigan:
I'm trying to protect from... pissing all over yourself.

Jeremy Usborne:
I'm not about to piss all over myself. I'm... I'm pissing into the big time.

Mark Corrigan:
Listen, Jeremy. You don't seem to understand. Nothing you want is ever going to happen. That's the real world. Your hair isn't red. People don't walk around on stilts. Maybe somewhere you can earn a living sitting around drinking margaritas through a curly plastic straw, but in this world you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] OK, enough mooning, let's strap on the nosebag and eat some serious work.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Great, he'll be able to pay off the Blockbusters fine. Plus I'll be able to order him around. Not horrible, just... Jeremy could you file this for me? Jeremy could you take that for me? Jeremy could you suck this for me... Jesus! Where did that come from?

Trish:
[Whilst among a group of Dobby's friends playing a music quiz in which one person gives vague descriptions of bands/solo artists without using their actual name and the other person must guess the name of the band/solo artist in each description. The person describing the band/solo artist must also not use the actual names of any other bands/solo artists in their description] Right, Jez and Hans... go!

Super Hans:
Er, widely regarded to have nicked our sound?

Jeremy Usborne:
The Chemical Brothers.

Super Hans:
Correct. Eh, bullshitters turning wank into cash?

Jeremy Usborne:
Flaming Lips?

Super Hans:
Correct. Oh, arsehole?

Jeremy Usborne:
LCD Soundsystem.

Super Hans:
Fakers?

Jeremy Usborne:
Pavement.

Super Hans:
Yep. Uh, oh, we thought we had her number and you got a bit overexcited, but uh, it turned out to be a not very funny joke?

Jeremy Usborne:
Lily Allen.

Super Hans:
Correct. [someone laughs off screen] Phoneys?

Jeremy Usborne:
Foo Fighters.

Super Hans:
Yeah. Uh, oh, demanded the Ramsgate blowj*b?

Jeremy Usborne:
Mumford & Sons?

Super Hans:
Mmm.

Trish:
That's your lot!

Super Hans:
Oh.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I'm so good at this, but I bet not one person here is gonna give me a blowj*b. [shakes his head in disappointment]

Mark Corrigan:
[whilst playing paintball, after entering a bunker to hide in] Wonder if Simon and found a bunker. Wonder if he's in there with Dobby. [sighs] Oh God.

Super Hans:
Probably. War makes people horny. Yalta, Yalta was hardcore, Stalin and Roosevelt sandwich, Churchill sat on the side wanking. Yeah?

Mark Corrigan:
If you can't have sex with the monkey, make friends with the organ-grinder.

[Jeremy is in a poker game. He doesn't really have anything in his hand, just a mixture of hearts and diamonds]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] So, what have I got? All the reds. That looks amazing.

Jeff Heaney:
[to Mark] Gay or not, there's no threat from you, pal. You could have your cock in her, you still wouldn't have the balls to f***.

Sophie Chapman:
[Halfway through watching "Das Boot" with Mark] Oh, are they in a submarine?

[Jeff has asked Mark to buy him some condoms so he can have sex with Sophie]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] This is it. This is my lowest ever. Wish I'd told him to f*** off, except then I'd never be allowed back. [Looking through the selection of condom packets] OK, right, Featherlite. Don't want him to enjoy it any more than is strictly necessary. Ultra Strong. Yeah, he won't feel a thing. But then maybe he'll last longer and... Oh Jesus, this is a minefield. Serve him right if I prick them all with pins and then... Sophie got pregnant and therefore he ended up getting married. Got to think through these plans more. I'll just go for these. Coloured. At least that'll make him look faintly ridiculous. I win... in the most minor way possible.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I am experiencing humiliation. Blood boilding, anger rising up, ready to explode... then falling back in on myself in the familiar shower of self-loathing.

[he takes some sheets of paper that have just come out of the photocopier and rubs his face with them]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Mmmm. Warm copies make everything better.

Jeff Heaney:
So basically, Man is programed to do two things - kill and nob. In the Stone Age, you'd get up, kill an antelope...

Jeremy Usborne:
And nob the corpse.

Jeff Heaney:
No, Jez.

[Mark is having a party and has invited Gerard, his rival for Dobby's affections]

Jeremy Usborne:
That's big of you, inviting him.

Mark Corrigan:
I thought it would look pretty and vindictive not to, and as a pretty and vindictive individual I have to take extra care not to appear pretty or vindictive.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Yeah, the cool-off. I'm relaxed, Snoopy on a 'lude. Who's going to break first? Not me, sweetheart.

[Super Hans is chatting up Elena, showing her the snake he's brought to the party]

Super Hans:
All right, Jez?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, um, just an idea, but would it be OK, mate, if you f***ed off before I ram a wine bottle up your cock?

Super Hans:
All right, mate. Chill out. It's only a phallic symbol, not me actual dong.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, I just f***ing... love you. I love you and I don't wanna play it cool anymore because I would eat my own fingers just to look at your face. I will be your dog or your human mannequin, I'll do anything you say, I just... want you.

[they kiss]

Elena:
You'd be a human mannequin for me?

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, yeah. I mean, I don't what that involves exactly but...

Elena:
I just thought you'd gone off me.

Jeremy Usborne:
I was trying to play stupid games, but I can't... I just want to f*** your brain into my brain!

Jeremy Usborne:
Wow. If sex was an Olympic event, we'd win Gold.

Elena:
You're so cute, Jeremy. Sex is never going to be in the Olympics because of China. China wouldn't allow it.

[Gail has proposed to Elena at the party, she's said yes]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] Where have all the homophobes gone when you need them? God, people are so fickle.

[Mark has just puked in a bin, which is where the snake has turned out to be]

Super Hans:
You are paying for that snake to be dry-cleaned.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I bet you probably can get reptiles dry-cleaned, that's the world we're living in.

Jeremy Usborne:
God, I really, really, really, really hope the baby's not mine. The last thing I need is an infant cramping my style.

Mark Corrigan:
Me too. I guess it's 50/50.

[looks at Jeremy]

Mark Corrigan:
What?

Jeremy Usborne:
Is it really 50/50? Or is it in fact much more likely that my guys will have won the sperm war?

Mark Corrigan:
What?

Jeremy Usborne:
Mine are like soldiers of fortune. The Scuba Squadron.

Mark Corrigan:
The Scuba Squadron?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yours are probably just glad of the practice, like "Yay, we're out and we're not in the wank flannel." Mine are much more "OK guys, here we go again, this is the drop zone, you know the drill." Suave.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] He actually thinks he has suave spermatozoa. He characterises his sperms.

[at Laser Commando]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Maybe this is what it'll be like after the apocalypse, wandering around depressed, shooting children for fun.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] A new boiler. Surely the least enjoyable way to spend ?1000. At least throwing the money out of the window you'd see the scrabbling mass, the hate-filled faces. I have spent a cool grand on acquiring the resumption of an equitable temperature.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah, too right, I'm freezing. Let's whack it up to 29.

Mark Corrigan:
29 degrees, are you insane?

Jeremy Usborne:
I don't actually want it to be 29, but you've got to give it something to aim for. It'll get hotter quicker.

Mark Corrigan:
No, it won't, it's either on or off. You set it, it achieves the correct temperature, it switches off.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh sure, you set it to 23, it'll be pootering along, "Oh yeah, 23, easy. Yeah, nearly there." Wouldn't you rather "F***! 29? Christ, let's get cracking, gotta generate some serious heat!" Then when it hits 23, we're suddenly all like "Click. Sorry. Already there." And the boiler will be like "What the f***?"

Mark Corrigan:
You want to try to trick the boiler?

Mark Corrigan:
Sophie can I just say... I know it's a heavy time for all of us and we all need to unwind but dope plus baby, doesn't that equal career in the Argos stockroom?

Mark Corrigan:
[to Jeremy] Why do you insist on seeing the anus as some kind of human USB port, just waiting to have all kinds of hardware plugged into it?

Mark Corrigan:
[fiddling with the boiler controls] Turn down! Turn down! Obey my commands, Orac! This manual is balls. Can you turn it down? It's on 23 and ideally I want it no higher than 17.

Jeremy Usborne:
Mark, women are coming, we want to make the women hot.

Mark Corrigan:
No, you want it cold so they have to cuddle up to you for warmth. Plus frugality is very attractive in a man.

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, I've just bought so much, I've got to offload it somewhere. Just because I'm dealing a little bit of drugs does not make a drug dealer.

Mark Corrigan:
Well, yes it does.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh God... Come Mr Taliban, tally my bananas!

Alan Johnson:
Hey, hey, hey, Marco. How you going, good buddy?

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, great actually old pal.

Alan Johnson:
Oh really? Cause I thought you might be feeling like a guy who's just walked into a high-class restaurant with a sausage dog on the end of his dick.

Mark Corrigan:
Uh, no?

Alan Johnson:
I got something up on my visual display unit this morning, Mark. I thought it was a high-definition photo of some dog sh*t. Then I took a closer look, and I realised it was actually your sales record.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, right.

Alan Johnson:
I pulled strings to get you in, Mark. If you look like a sausage dog f***er, then I look like a sausage dog f***er. Do you get me?

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Got to get my dick out of the dog.

Jeremy Usborne:
[discussing how they're going to kick Jerry out of Mark's apartment] What about going Litvinenko?

Mark Corrigan:
Kill him? With polonium?

Jeremy Usborne:
Not full Litvinenko. Just a little bit of something debilitating in his pasta each night. Grind him down, weaken him, till he's all pathetic, and you can just [motions scooping Jerry up with his left hand] scoop him up like a sick whippet and [motions throwing Jerry away] dump him.

Mark Corrigan:
Um...

Jeremy Usborne:
You might quite like tending him as he grows weaker and weaker.

Mark Corrigan:
[acting out their scenario] "Here's your tea, Jerry. God, you must get better soon."

Jeremy Usborne:
[acting out their scenario] "Oh, do sit up, Jerry, while I spoon you some more of this slightly silvery porridge."

Mark Corrigan, Jeremy Usborne:
[both laugh mischievously]

Jeremy Usborne:
Should I keep my voice down?

Mark Corrigan:
No, he's an irritatingly sound sleeper. Ear plugs and eye mask, the full blot.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, we could start by just... moving his stuff out.

Mark Corrigan:
No. No, we couldn't. Could we?

Jeremy Usborne:
[looks at Mark mischieviously]

[In reference to Super Hans' stag do, hosted in a juice bar, where the guests are being urged to drink copious amounts of the stuff for hours on end]

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] This stag is one load of PG-rated, Disney-assed, Which? magazine-approved, childproof, high-vitamin, f***ing bullshit.

Super Hans:
[hands Jeremy a bar of chocolate after leaving a shop] There you go, free munchies.

Jeremy Usborne:
Did you just nick this?

Super Hans:
'Course I did. They should be paying me to eat this sh*t.

Jeremy Usborne:
Wow, free choco. Mmm, tasty.

Super Hans:
The secret ingredient is crime.

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh, this is all bollocks, Mark. You don't belong here with the pointy-heads. Tell them. Go on, tell them.

Mark Corrigan:
Tell them what? That I'm a hard working mature student?

Jeremy Usborne:
He's not a mature student, he's been a Loan Manager for the last five years, he lives with me and he eats ready-meals, and we play "Guess the Revels" and we watch Men in Black in front of our massive telly and we have a f***ing good time.

Professor MacLeish:
Loan Manager?

Mark Corrigan:
I, I manage my... student loan. I manage... on it.

Mark Corrigan:
I'm looking for someone who helped me... er, April. I'm a friend and...

Shoe Shop Manager:
You're a friend of April's?

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, what is this, the third degree?

Shoe Shop Manager:
No, it's just, obviously April's at university now.

Mark Corrigan:
Ah, of course, of course she is. We were talking about that last time I saw her. OK, thanks. [voiceover] Do a Columbo. Do a Columbo.

[as Mark is leaving he stops and slowly turns around, wagging his finger, copying Columbo's "Just one more thing" trick]

Mark Corrigan:
Just... remind me. Which university was it, April's gone to again?

Shoe Shop Manager:
Dartmouth.

Mark Corrigan:
Dartmouth. Of course, Dartmouth. Thanks. [voiceover] Good old Columbo. Just the one technique of course, but still shits on Quincy.

Jeremy Usborne:
I can't believe we're going back to Dartie! There's no quim likes to party...

Mark Corrigan:
Like the quim down in the Dartie. Yeah, those were the days. Did you ever appeal about your degree mark?

Jeremy Usborne:
Who cares about that sh*t? I didn't go to university to get a degree.

Mark Corrigan:
No, of course. Anyway, no use regretting the past, I wish I'd done Ancient History, but...

Jeremy Usborne:
I thought you did do Ancient History.

Mark Corrigan:
I did Business Studies, Jeremy, for three years. And I talked to you about it daily.

Jeremy Usborne:
Right.

[voiceover]

Jeremy Usborne:
I could tell him that's all ancient history now. He probably wouldn't like that joke.

[to Mark]

Jeremy Usborne:
Oh well, that's all ancient history now.

[Mark isn't amused]

Jeremy Usborne:
Stealing things just makes everything very cheap. Plus, you know how I feel about capitalism.

Mark Corrigan:
Yes, confused!

Mark Corrigan:
Right now, April's probably getting chatted up by some student who's also worked out she's got the magical combo of beauty and low self-esteem!

Jeremy Usborne:
So, you all look pretty happy being students. Well, I've got news for you, the sh*t-storm is coming. That's the real world out there and let me tell you, baby, it is f***ed.

Professor MacLeish:
Is that what Dr Chomsky and Michael Moore have been telling you, in lieu of a degree?

Mark Corrigan:
Love your room.

April:
Thanks. It's your basic undergraduate lunge for individuality. [Nods to a "Betty Blue" poster] I've not even seen Betty Blue. Have you?

Mark Corrigan:
Oh yeah. Great sex-and-suicide flick, turned a whole generation of men onto girls with mental illness.

[Mark and Jeremy both fancy Toni]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] I'll get her in the end. I have the power of the brain, the most erotic muscle. The longbow beats the crossbow, my idiotic friend.

[Mark manages to catch the bus]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Yes! I am the Lord of the bus, said he.

[Mark is reading "Stalingrad" by Anthony Beevor]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Those kids have no idea whatsoever of what went on at Stalingrad. Although I can in no way compare my struggle reading it with that of the Red Army, it has been a very big read.

[Mark peers through the tower block entrance letterbox at the kids who have started picking on him]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Come on, come on, piss off! I want to go to the shop. Need a poo, got to have loo paper. I should be able to just walk out of my own front door, what's wrong with me? It'd be great if a car just ploughed into the lot of them, twisted broken bones.

Super Hans:
So, you got our track?

Jeremy Usborne:
Er, no. I've been thinking, I'm not sure. I think maybe it's sh*t.

Super Hans:
Whoa! Hold it, cowboy. Rewind, wash it. The track's sh*t? Jez, the track's THE sh*t!

Jeremy Usborne:
It's just I found Mark laughing at it.

Super Hans:
Oh what, so Mister f***ing ocean colour pants don't get it? Well, quelle f***ing surprise.

Jeremy Usborne:
Plus he was doing it in front of Toni.

Super Hans:
Mate, you gotta get some rewengay. He broke omert?.

Jeremy Usborne:
You think?

Super Hans:
Listen, the whole industry is run by suits like your mate.

Jeremy Usborne:
Do you think that's why we haven't got a deal yet?

Super Hans:
Course it is, they're all a bunch of Marks, ain't they? Sitting behind their big marble desks, ties done up to eleven, clicking their fingers to the f***ing Lighthouse Family, getting their dick sucked by a big Alsatian dog.

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah?

Super Hans:
They're all perverts, mate. All in with each other. It's not who you know, it's who you blow.

Boy #1:
Hey look, it's Clean Shirt!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Clean Shirt? What does that mean? Isn't that good?

Boy #1:
How do you get that shirt so clean, mate?

Jeremy Usborne:
So, Toni's friends. Who, what, why, where?

Toni:
Well, that's the fun, I don't know anyone! These are our neighbours.

Mark Corrigan:
Neighbours?

Toni:
Why, did you think I was going to invite my friends? I tell you, you find out who your real friends are when you set fire to Hampton Court maze because you can't take any more of your husband's sh*t.

[During a game where people wear notes on their forehead with a famous name on them and they have to guess who it is]

Toni:
Hey Jeremy, have you worked out your...

Jeremy Usborne:
[his one is David Blunkett] Oh, don't even go there. It is literally impossible. Turns out I'm just someone's secretary.

Mark Corrigan:
The HOME Secretary, Jeremy, you're the Home Secretary.

[an old lady at the party is still trying to find out who the name on her forehead is, it's the one that Jeremy wrote:
"Cockmuncher"]

Neighbour:
Is it Jamie Oliver?

Jeremy Usborne:
Look, you're a cockmuncher, OK?

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, so, er, Jeremy tells me you watched a porno together. You know, I'd be into...

Toni:
That wasn't a porno. That was The English Patient.

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Ha! What an idiotic boob! He's out, I'm in!

Jeremy Usborne:
What's the big deal? So I didn't give him the number for Dr. Tang. She's got leukaemia! Sticking a few needles in her face at 50 quid a pop is not gonna fix that!

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] Sophie's the one. Toni's Russia; vast, mysterious, unconquerable. Sophie's Poland; manageable, won't put up too much of a fight.

Jeremy Usborne:
We're just gradually sliding into a f*** buddy scenario.

Mark Corrigan:
F*** buddy?

Jeremy Usborne:
Yeah. A buddy you can f***. I mean, we're both so relaxed about the whole sex thing. Last time I was round there we watched a porno. 4 in the afternoon, just me and her, watching a porno. I mean, that's me. I'm just not ready for the kind of thing you're after, the whole... someone to go to Waitrose with.

Mark Corrigan:
Yeah, I suppose.

[voiceover]

Mark Corrigan:
I don't want to go to Waitrose, I want a f*** buddy.

Jeremy Usborne:
[voiceover] I wish I was her f*** buddy next door. We could do it through the wall.

[to Mark]

Jeremy Usborne:
How thick is wall?

Mark Corrigan:
Depends.

Mark Corrigan:
I need to find out for a friend the name of that Chinese doctor she was raving about. Can you remember?

Jeremy Usborne:
Sure.

[Mark starts writing on a piece of paper]

Jeremy Usborne:
It was Dr Ying Fu Yip, Wang Shong...

[Mark stops writing and looks at Jeremy]

Jeremy Usborne:
Pang Fang Wang Dang Dong Ning Po Ku.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, right. I see, I get it. You were lampooning me. It was a simple lampoon.

[Yet again Mark runs into the nasty kids on his way home, they spot him and start jeering at him again. He picks up a rusty iron bar off the ground]

Mark Corrigan:
[voiceover] OK. You want some, do you? Do you want a taste of my steel?

[He runs at them with the bar, screaming. They run away. Sophie, passing by in the bus, watches him, shocked]

[Mark pulls back the duvet on his bed to find a bloody mess of raw sausages and bacon spelling the word "JUDAS"]

Jeremy Usborne:
What's the matter? I thought you liked pork.

Mark Corrigan:
How did... what does it mean?

Jeremy Usborne:
It means "omert?". It means "rewengay".

Mark Corrigan:
Look, I'm sorry, OK? I'm sorry I humiliated you in front of Toni.

Jeremy Usborne:
Don't think I can't see you, Mark. Trying to get a slice of my action because Sophie the office girl won't put out.

Mark Corrigan:
Oh right, the gloves are off, are they? Well then, perhaps it's best you do know what I think of your music.

Jeremy Usborne:
Well, let's have some more truth, shall we? Yeah? Yeah? Cos the truth is, you're a posh spaz!

Mark Corrigan:
Oh, really? Well, I'd love to know in way I am a posh spaz!

Jeremy Usborne:
In the way that you're always doing posh spazzy things like tidying up and ironing your socks.

Mark Corrigan:
I do not iron my socks!

Jeremy Usborne:
Socks, shirt, whatever!