Petticoat Junction

Uncle Joe Carson:
Friends, how many times have you sat in the living room staring at your wife, wishing you had somebody to talk to?

Uncle Joe Carson:
You keep eatin' like that and you're gonna have to back up to a door to knock on it.

Mrs. Finch:
[about the baby, Kathy Jo] Oh, isn't she darling.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Yeah. Who do you think she looks like?

Mrs. Finch:
Well, she has the Bradley nose, and Bradley mouth and chin.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Don't you see any Carson in her?

Mrs. Finch:
Yes! The way she's laying down.

Uncle Joe Carson:
The trouble with the kids today is we pamper 'em too much. No wonder so few of them grow up to be President.

Ronnie:
Smashing!

Oliver Wendell Douglas:
Lisa, how could you possibly have made a deal with Mr. Carson?

Lisa Douglas:
But, he made such good sense.

Kate Bradley:
Uncle Joe made good sense?

Lisa Douglas:
Yes. He agreed with everything I said.

Uncle Joe Carson:
As the chief, I've always been worried about the one weak link in the fire department.

Kate Bradley:
So you've decided to resign.

Selma Plout:
[about the decorations outside the hotel] Well, what's all this?

Uncle Joe Carson:
Oh, hi Selma. Kate's coming home.

Selma Plout:
So I hear. Nobody made this much fuss when I returned from my trip.

Uncle Joe Carson:
That's right. We did all our cheering when you left.

Willimena Josephine 'Billie Jo' Bradley #1:
Ma, the train's comin'!

Kate Bradley:
Yeah, I heard it.

Kate Bradley:
[to her three daughters] In the water tower again, weren't you?

Elizabeth Josephine 'Betty Jo' Bradley Elliott:
Yes.

Kate Bradley:
Some day that train's gonna sneak in, drain all the water before you can get out and leave you high, dry and bare!

Floyd Smoot:
I wonder what kind of engines they're runnin' on the main line now.

Charley Pratt:
I wouldn't know, Floyd. It must be twenty years since we've seen the main line.

Floyd Smoot:
Yeah! You reckon they'll ever put that trestle back up so we can get there?

Charley Pratt:
No. Floyd, if you ask me, the folks have forgotten all about us at the C & F.W.

Elizabeth Josephine 'Betty Jo' Bradley Elliott:
As far as I'm concerned, Billie Jo can have the boys. I'm in love with the Hooterville Cannonball!

[last lines]

Kate Bradley:
[to the Cannonball] Don't you worry, old girl. We've been through a lot together and we'll get through this, too.

Adelaide Keane:
Joseph Carson, do you realize you have accomplished the impossible? "Don't nobody tell me I ain't no gentleman." Four negatives in an eight word sentence.

Uncle Joe Carson:
Do you hear that Mort? And I ain't had no education, either.

Wendell Gibbs:
[about Dr. Craig] She's such a nice lady. It's such a shame we have to hate her.