Portal

[Apex speaks only with silent text bubbles.]

Apex:
Let's see what Dirk is doing right now.

Truggy:
Yes, sir.

Dirk Ruddy:
Oh, I got one. Hey Apex, what's the matter: starstruck or just struck? Eh! Nah. Hey Apex, I'll teach you how to act. You can start by playing dead! Nah. Hey Apex, you know why your coat is pink? Huh?

Apex:
WHAAAAAAT!?!?!?!?

Dirk Ruddy:
Hey Apex, I got a movie for ya.

Apex:
You snot-nosed little brat!

Apex:
How dare you!

Dirk Ruddy:
Because I'm Dirk Ruddy. Hey Apex...

Apex:
Stop with the one liners.

Dirk Ruddy:
Yes sir. Huh?

Apex:
Go ruin your career in the most humiliating manner you can possibly imagine.

Dirk Ruddy:
What? No, don't! Cut it out! I'm Dirk Ruddy!

Apex:
Now this I have to watch.

Dirk Ruddy:
Hey everybody! Look, it's me! Dirk Ruddy!

Woman in pink:
Look, it's him! Dirk Ruddy!

[crowd cheers]

Dirk Ruddy:
Shut up! Shut up! Listen, I have an important announcement to make. Ready? I'm a nineteen-year-old bed wetter!

[crowd falls silent, a cough is heard]

Dirk Ruddy:
That's right. Every single night. The last time I *didn't* wet my bed was five months ago when I was in the hospital with a catheter. Do you know why I was there? 'Cause I almost cut my finger off building a new house for my dollies.

Woman in hat:
[gasps]

Dirk Ruddy:
Look. [brings out miniature Asheron's Call characters] I love my dollies. Aren't they adorable? I play with them every day.

Black man:
[laughs]

Dirk Ruddy:
Hey, you know how I broke into Hollywood? Just ask Mommy. She's the biggest agent in town. Speaking of my Mommy, do you know why I have a chauffeur? Because my Mommy won't let me get a driver's license.

[crowd gasps]

Woman in hat:
Well, maybe it's *kinda* cute, and he's still Dirk, right?

Woman in pink:
Yea-ah. Cute.

Dirk Ruddy:
Cute huh? I think the middle class is scum

[a woman gasps]

Dirk Ruddy:
Jury duty is for losers. I'm a Communist.

Woman in hat:
[gasps]

Dirk Ruddy:
All my furniture is made of ivory. I hate the elderly. And women. I cheat on every girlfriend, and I think it's cool.

Bald man:
This can't be happening!

Dirk Ruddy:
My favorite band is ABBA. I sleep with a night-light. I use an onion to cry in my movies. My sexy lips are 80% collagen injection. I still have a security blanket. It's called Fuzzy-Uzzy. Fur rules! Portal stinks! And you know what else? You're all geeks!

Bald man:
That's it!

Man in green hat:
Get him!

Dirk Ruddy:
[fleeing torch-bearing crowd] I want my Fuzzy-Uzzy!