Portlandia

Various Characters:
Uh, how's that milkshake coming, friend? Not too cold on that, right?

Mayor:
Hey, I just got back from Baltimore.

Various Characters:
Great, thats a great city.

Mayor:
Its a great city.

Various Characters:
We are a peaceful organization, but at this time this makes me very war-like.

Various Characters:
Hi. Uh, what is this for, Toni? [to the people in line] This is our store. You're in the way of our store. What are you all waiting for?

Various Characters:
This is a sacred storefront and a women's space.

Various Characters:
We can't get in. Look. [demonstrates by walking forwards and backwards]

Various Characters:
Our customers need a safe passage, as do we. This is no longer a safe space for women!

Various Characters:
We're gonna go in and we're gonna come out in 20 minutes and I want you guys gone. We're a peaceful organization, but at this time this makes me very war like. So help me God, I will jump from head to head using your skulls as stepping stones into the river that is the street and I'm going to take tea and take a sip of it and spit it into each and every one of your mouths. Oh, it'll burn me, but it'll burn you twice. Burn me once with me tea, shame on me. Burn me twice in your own mouths, shame on everybody involved!

[Cult leader Aliki is on his deathbed saying goodbye to his followers]

Aliki:
My beautiful Peter.

[Peter gazes sorrowfully at Aliki]

Aliki:
I'm gonna miss touching my Peter... washing my Peter...

Peter:
I'm gonna miss you.

Aliki:
[turning to Nance] Nance.

[Nance sniffles sadly]

Aliki:
You can be a real b*tch.

Nance:
[weepily] Please don't go.

Aliki:
Nance, you're being a b*tch.

[Nance nods, still sniffling]

Aliki:
Okay? It's so bitchy of you to ask me to stay. I gotta go.

[Nance shakes her head no]

Aliki:
Tell me to go.

[Nance more intensely shakes her head no]

Aliki:
Don't be a b*tch, Nance.

Nance:
[weepily] Go. Go.

Aliki:
Thank you, Nance.

[Nance nods]

Aliki:
For dialing your b*tch down a little bit.

[Nance nods]

Aliki:
It means a lot to me. [turning to followers he doesn't know by name] You three? You're nice people, I'm sure. [closes his eyes and commences death rattle]

Nance:
[shaking her head no, whispering through tears] Do not go.

Aliki:
[snaps out of it and looks at Nance] You're being a dumb b*tch. [resumes death rattle]

Jason:
Portland's a city where young people go to retire.

Book Store Customer:
You know what, I, I have to go to the bathroom again, I've been here that long.

Old Lady:
So, where are you live?

Stuart:
[hiding under the table] I'm with some room mates up on the north side. It's kind of a house, but it's kind of falling apart.

Old Lady:
"It's kind of a house, but it's kind of falling apart."

Stuart:
Yes, ma'am.

Old Lady:
I think that describes your life right now, honey.

[last lines]

Peter:
[hurrying back in] Hey, Dana, do you still work here?

Waitress:
Hi.

Peter:
Hi, how are you. Ya, we actually decided against the chicken. We're gonna do the salmon. Thanks.

Waitress:
Okay... [starts to walk away]

Nance:
Hey, you know what. Can you tell us a little about the salmon.

Peter:
Yeah, we have like a million questions about it.

Waitress:
Okay.

Peter:
When you come back. [Peter and Nance kiss]

Various Characters:
Cause what that leads to is him on IMDb and he does a lot of user comments for movies that have not come out yet and then it's just downhill from there.