Rab C. Nesbitt

Jamesie Cotter:
[Rab has been told that he has only a year to live if he doesn't stop drinking. He's shared this with his drinking pals who include Andra and Dodie. This news has scared Jamesie into wanting to give up the demon drink] Rab, you and me, we go back a longs ways together.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
Aye, we dae, we dae, we dae, aye...

Jamesie Cotter:
We started goin in tae pubs together, then we went on tae secondary school.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
Aye, what's the point, what's the point...!

Jamesie Cotter:
The point, yae big wet slopbledger is - if you're on yer way oot with yer liver like an insole, then so are we! Cos we huv matched you pint for pint for the last 25 bloody years!

Andra:
BASTARD!

Jamesie Cotter:
[passionately] Rab, there's that much to live for! I mean even a man as yersel must have some ambitions left, somethin you want to do before you finally shuffle off this mortal coil!

Jamesie Cotter:
Of course I've got ambitions, of course I've got ambitions.

Jamesie Cotter:
What are they, Rab?

Rab C. Nesbitt:
Jist oncest, Jist oncest. I wid like tae be able talk tae you withoot feelin... like I've jist gargled wie *Preparation X!

Rab C. Nesbitt:
[to the audience] What a business, all because I take a wee drink, eh... Tell yae wan thing - see all this shoutin? It does not half give yae a helluva thirst.

Stranger:
[handing Rab a bottle of booze from off screen] That's the game, pal, you tell them. There's nuthin the matter wie a wee drink.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
[pleased] Oh... Who the hell are you by the way?

Stranger:
Ah c'mon, Rab. Use your imagination [the camera away cuts to the stranger who is revealed to be a pink elephant in a suit and cap] I'm the heebie Jeebie. [the pink elephant starts shaking its head and making funny noises at Rab]

Rab C. Nesbitt:
[spitting out the drink and screaming in fear] Heebie jeebie!

Peter The Warlock:
[to Rab] Now if you'll excuse me I have a unicorn to sacrifice and a virgin to deflower. [to three of the guys as he leaves the pub] see you's.

Dodie:
He must be a warlock right enough to huv found a unicorn in Govan.

Jamesie Cotter:
He must be Sherlock Holmes to huv found a virgin.

TV Announcer:
And now for the lottery numbers - which are, funnily enough, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11 and 12, and the bonus number 13.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
What? I chose 26, but it's 7, 8, 9, 12! [to Mary] Ah, love! [...speaking to his hand, after he lost the lottery] You, you are the hand that bought the ticket, I'll give ya... [beats his hand up with the chip pan before it breaks, and Mary tries to stop him]

Nurse:
[Mary has gone under a serious operation in hospital. But something unforseen has happened as she lies in bed afterwards] I'm afraid your stitches have burst, Mrs. Nesbitt.

Mary Nesbitt:
Oh, thank goodness for that, nurse. For a minute there I though I'd pissed mysel.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
If the Good Lord had wanted us to know about cuisine, he would never have given us crispy pancakes.

Gash Nesbitt:
Oh get real Da. My brother was burnt to a crisp in a joyride.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
Aye, looking back it was overkill getting him cremated.

[Last line]

Rab C. Nesbitt:
[to audience] Are you lot still here? You've had your happy ending,away you go,away. Beat it!

[Last line]

Rab C. Nesbitt:
[to audience] Are you lot still here? You've had your happy ending, away you go, away you go. Beat it!

Rab C. Nesbitt:
I mean I Had tae start drinkin again didn't I?

Doctor:
Oh really, how so?

Rab C. Nesbitt:
Aw, It was her. She said foreplay wusny worth a toss since ma hon stopped shakin!

Mary Nesbitt:
Listen, yer big boy's noo. I've git somethin terrible tae tell yaes. Yer da found oot the day, that unless he gies in thae drink, he's only got a year left tae live.

Burney Nesbitt:
I see, I see. So what's this somethin terrible?

[Rab has been told that he has only a year to live if he doesn't stop drinking. He's shared this with his drinking pals who include Andra and Dodie. This news has scared Jamesie into wanting to give up the drink]

Rab C. Nesbitt:
Rab, you and me, we go back a longs ways together.

Jamesie Cotter:
Aye, we dae, we dae, we dae, aye...

Jamesie Cotter:
We started goin in tae pubs together, then we went on tae secondary school.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
Aye, what's the point, what's the point...!

Jamesie Cotter:
The point, yae big wet slopbledger is - if you're on yer way oot with yer liver like an insole, then so are we! Cos we huv matched you pint for pint for the last 25 years!

Andra:
BASTARD!

Andra:
[the scene is within Rabs local pub where's he's having a drink with his pals. Rab however is not drinking alcohol under protest of Norrie's management as he's just put in a new high tech machine] A virtual reality simulator. Is that what high tech armchair is over there?

Dodie:
Aye. We thought a disabled guy must have parked it there till he used the lavvie.

Norrie:
You's can laugh. But these machines are all the go. They can recreate any human experience. No matter how wild... or dangerous.

Reality Machine Man:
That's it ready. Who's first for blast off?

Andra:
Me, me. I'll go first!

Rab C. Nesbitt:
[to Audience] Look at 'em. Magic, eh? Designed by NASA to train astronauts. Finishes up as a toy for dick brains in a pub in Govan. One small step for man, you know.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
[Looks at Gash. To the audience] By Christ, look at that fizzer, eh? Like an A to Z of the human psyche. Seventeen year old and he's so anally retentive he's still shiting rusks. The human frame bared to the nerve. But underneath it all... underneath it all... the notion of some infinitely gentle, infinitely suffering thing.

Gash Nesbitt:
[Looking at Rab] Whit you gawping at ya big ugly bastard!

Peter The Warlock:
[to Rab] Now if you'll excuse me I have a unicorn to sacrifice and a virgin to deflower.

[Stops on his way out to address three of the guys in the pub]

Peter The Warlock:
See you's.

Dodie:
He must be a warlock right enough to huv found a unicorn in Govan.

Jamesie Cotter:
He must be Sherlock Holmes to huv found a virgin.

Rab C. Nesbitt:
When you get right down tae it, there's only birth, copulation and death. Everything else is pure bloody guesswork!

Psychologist:
Ah, there you are Nesbitt. Now remember, McGurn is criminally insane. He's pathologically disturbed and socially alienated. There isn't a decent human being alive who could hope to strike up a decent rapport with him.

Inspector:
[to Rab] That's why we're asking you.