Ripping Yarns

Arthur Foggen:
I'd like to see them win again.

Chairman:
I'd like to see them turn up!

Gordon Ottershaw:
[Gordon is reading a note left by his wife] Your supper is in the oven. P.S. I'm going to have a *baby*!

[repeated line]

Gordon Ottershaw:
Eight-one! Eight-bloody-one!

Lord Bartelsham:
You know, I often think that if people had been a little more kind to each other, we could have avoided many of the wars which have plagued society through the ages.

Lady Bartelsham:
Rubbish, dear.

Lord Bartelsham:
Well... maybe... but just suppose for a minute that when Wallenstein reached the gates of Magdeburg in 1631, instead of razing the city to the ground and putting its inhabitants to the sword, he'd said... "What a lovely place! How lucky you are to live here. I live in Sweden... you must come and see me some time." Just think what a difference it would have made - he'd have gone down in history as a nice chap, instead of the Butcher of Magdeburg.

Lady Bartelsham:
Eat up dear, and stop talking piffle.

Eric Olthwaite:
That night, as we talked excitedly about shovels and precipitation, Arthur and I decided we had so much in common, that we would form a gang, dedicated to persuing our common interests. Arthur, with his long criminal record, was loathe to divulge his name, so we called ourselves... the Eric Olthwaite Gang.

Eric Olthwaite:
It were hard to accept I were boring. Especially with my interest in rain fall.

Mr. Olthwaite:
Oh, quelle journ?e au bas de la terre. Je suis tr?s fatigu? demain, Vera.

Tomkinson:
Where's daddy?

Mummy:
He's at the South Pole again, dear.

Tomkinson:
Oh, lucky daddy! I wish I could be there.

Mummy:
Tomkinson... He may, uh... he may not be back from the Pole.

Tomkinson:
You mean...?

Mummy:
Yes. He has a woman down there.

Tomkinson:
Another woman, mummy, besides you?

Mummy:
I'm afraid so. He keeps going back there, you know. This is his hundred and forty sixth expedition.

Headmaster:
[leading a school prayer] Oh Lord, we give thee humble and hearty thanks for this, thy gift of discipline, knowing that it is only through the constraints of others that we come to know ourselves, and only through true misery can we find true contentment.

Mr. Ellis:
[in woodwork class] What is that, Tomkinson?

Tomkinson:
[standing before an enormous ship he's assembling] It's a model icebreaker, sir.

Mr. Ellis:
It's a bit big for a model, isn't it?

Tomkinson:
It's a full-scale model, sir.

Mr. Ellis:
[annoyed] It's not a model if it's full-scale, Tomkinson, it's an icebreaker.

Tomkinson:
Yes, it's good, isn't it, sir? It's got three engines, an enormous...

Mr. Ellis:
No no no, that's not the point. That is not a model. It'll be hell if this comes out at speech day exhibition. You're a very stupid boy building icebreakers like this, Tomkinson.

Tomkinson:
[deflated] Yes, sir.

Mr. Ellis:
Now I won't say anything to the headmaster if you can get it down to a minimum of four foot.

Tomkinson:
But sir! There's fifteen hundred tons of steel in this...

Mr. Ellis:
Do you want to come and see the headmaster with me?

Tomkinson:
No, sir.

Mr. Ellis:
Well, melt it down at once.

Prologue Man:
[with barely concealed unction] Good evening. You know, I think it was G.K. Chestert, who once said...

[forgets line]

Prompter:
[out of vision] "The follies..."

Prologue Man:
The follies of my youth...

Prompter:
"men's youth..."

Prologue Man:
[correcting himself] Men's youth. Are in glorious retrospect.

Prompter:
"Are, in retrospect, glorious..."

Prologue Man:
And so, our story tonight...

Prompter:
No, "are, in retrospect, glorious."

Prologue Man:
Our story in retrospect...

Prompter:
No, "are, in retrospect, glorious."

Prologue Man:
[casting about] Are... in retrospect... glorious...

Prompter:
"Compared..."

Prologue Man:
Compared... by Eddie Waring!

Prompter:
No no! "Compared *to*."

Prologue Man:
Compared...?

Prompter:
"The follies of men's youth are, in retrospect, glorious compared to..."

Prologue Man:
[utterly lost] To...

Prompter:
"Compared to the follies of their old age."

Prologue Man:
[reminding himself] Compared to the... follies of their... old age.

[clears throat]

Prologue Man:
Our sherry tonight...

Prompter:
No, no. "I think it was G.K. Chestert who once said, 'The follies of our youth are, in retrospect, glorious compared the follies of our old age.' And so our story tonight concerns a boy confronted at one and the same time with the follies of youth and old age."

Prologue Man:
That's it.

Gerald Winfrey:
Truth be told, I was jolly fed up with being a hero. Having to save the country two or three times a week meant I could get nothing done at all.