Roseanne

Crystal Anderson-Conner:
[about Crystal's baby] Well, why won't he sleep? I've tried everything, even the washing machine.

Darlene:
You put him in the *washing machine*?

Darlene:
[to Roseanne] Why are you picking on me? What, did I take the last doughnut, or something?

Roseanne:
[Dan is embarrassed when he walks in on Crystal nursing her baby] Oh, now, Dan. It's not like you've never seen breasts before.

Dan:
Crystal's my friend. As far as I'm concerned, she has no breasts... It works for me, okay?

Roseanne:
[at the bike shop] Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control.

Roseanne:
[Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?

Dan:
Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.

Roseanne Conner:
The car has heated seats? Thank God, I thought I was going through the change.

Dan Conner:
Is Roseanne here?

Jackie Harris:
No she drove Darlene to the hospital, she wasn't feeling well.

Dan Conner:
Is something wrong?

Jackie Harris:
No, just indigestion I think.

Dan Conner:
Did Roseanne know I was coming over?

Jackie Harris:
Actually, I think that's WHY she volunteered to drive Darlene.

Darlene Conner-Healy:
[the doctor suggests a risky drug to stop her contractions] Unless one of the side effects is death, I'm taking it.

Roseanne Conner:
What happens if this drug doesn't work?

Doctor:
We'll just have to wait.

Roseanne Conner:
No, don't give me that crap. I want to know.

Doctor:
Mrs. Connor, this IS the drug of last resort, if THIS doesn't work, Darlene will have to have the baby.

Dan Conner:
[standing on the front porch in the cold] We should put a porch swing up here.

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, this might be a good conversation to have in say, July.

Jackie:
Look at me, I've got nothin'. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family. It's just me. It's just me and my ganja.

Jackie:
[Jackie is stoned and laying the bathtub] Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

Dan Conner:
I put it away twenty years ago when we quit.

Roseanne Conner:
We quit? I just thought we were out.

Jackie Harris:
Is this the sink? Am I shrinking?

D.J. Conner:
Mom, can Billy sleep over here tonight?

Roseanne Conner:
No! He's rude, and I don't like his parents.

D.J. Conner:
Well then, can I sleep over there?

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, sure.

D.J. Conner:
I forgot my sleeping bag! Where is it?

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, you know it's behind the house, past the yard in that building where your father always is with the tools and the car!

D.J. Conner:
Thanks, Mom!

Roseanne Conner:
Oh my God. I'm, like, the worst mother on the face of the Earth.

Dan Conner:
No, you're not.

Roseanne Conner:
Yes I am, Dan. I don't even know where I sent my kid. Say he falls down or something and breaks one of his organs and he needs a transplant, but I can't give him any of my organs because they're all full of pot!

Dan:
[on the phone, sucking up to a banker/friend; he covers the mouth-piece and asks Roseanne] Which one's the genius?

Roseanne:
The little-one, Katie.

Darlene:
The one who made boom-boom in our sink.

Mike Summers:
Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How'ya doin'?

Roseanne:
Great.

Mike Summers:
Good, I'm going door-to-door, trying to get to know my constituents.

Roseanne:
Oh, door-to-door, huh. That takes a lot of time. Why don'tcha just go down to the unemployment office, and see everybody all at once.

Mike Summers:
We can't let this area's work-force lay idle. That's why bringing in new business is my number-one priority.

Roseanne:
How?

Mike Summers:
Through tax incentives. See, we're gonna make it cheaper for out-of-state businesses to set up shop right here in Lanford.

Roseanne:
So they get a tax break?

Mike Summers:
Yeah, that's why they come here.

Roseanne:
Well, who's gonna pay the taxes that they ain't paying?

Mike Summers:
Well, you... you will. But you'll be working... good, steady employment.

Roseanne:
Union wages?

Mike Summers:
Well, now, part of the reason these companies are finding it so expensive to operate in other locations is...

Roseanne:
[Roseanne cuts him off] Soooo, they're gonna dump the union, so they can come here and hire us at scab wages, and then for *that* privilege... we get to pay their taxes?

Mike Summers:
[pause] Is your husband home?

Dan:
[the following evening at the bike shop, after Mike Summers's visit to the Conner home; he walks in the door] Can I help you?

Mike Summers:
Yeah, Hi, I'm Mike Summers, your state representative. How are you doin'? Yeah, I'm meeting with small businessmen in the area, trying to get a sense of what their conse...

Roseanne:
[Roseanne comes in from the back of the shop and sees him] Hey!

Mike Summers:
Oh hell no!

[he turns and runs out the front door, with Roseanne hot on his tail]

Roseanne:
Hey! Wait up!

Roseanne:
[ to Mike Summers] My son is gonna have to wear my daughters hand me downs, for real this time, not just for fun.

Darlene:
Yo Mum, the lunch lady at school's been sick a few weeks, I think she's gonna die soon, you interested?

Roseanne:
Let's see, serving crappy food to ungrateful teenagers, how would I know I was at work?

Roseanne:
[ Dan finishes reading a note from DJ's school] Maybe there's a page missing.

Dan:
He's in the Regionals, that's the whole note [ checks the other side] no-one was hurt.

Roseanne:
DJ I always knew you had some special hidden talent, now you can spell, you can spell.

Darlene:
That's where the big money is [she stands up and gets her bag]

D.J. Conner:
You're just jealous.

Darlene:
You're right, I wanted to be Rain Man.

Nancy Bartlett:
[about Arnie] Jackie what would you do?

Jackie Harris:
Why are you asking me?

Nancy Bartlett:
Well you had a relationship with him.

Jackie Harris:
[repulsed] Nancy... I'm eating.

Roseanne:
[reading a note] Dear Nancy, I know this is hard for you to understand but I have been kidnapped by [ to Nancy] what's that word?

Nancy Bartlett:
Aliens... from outer space.

Nancy Bartlett:
He could've faced me but instead he left me some stupid note about space creatures sent to take back intelligent life.

Roseanne:
Man, are their bosses gonna be ticked.

Dan:
[ reading a note] Who are the Allen's and why are they out of spice?

Roseanne:
Aliens Dan, from outer space.

Dan:
Oh,that makes a little more sense.

Nancy Bartlett:
Did he say anything? Is there another woman?

Dan:
No offense Nancy but it's a miracle there's one.

Arnie Thomas:
Knock, Knock.

Aliens:
Who's there?

Arnie Thomas:
Orange.

Aliens:
Orange who?

Arnie Thomas:
Orange you glad I didn't say banana? Can I drive?

Alien #1:
We said No.

Arnie Thomas:
Oh come on, it's not like I'm gonna hit nothing.

Alien #2:
If you don't stop this behavior, we're gonna have to separate you again.

Arnie Thomas:
You know what I could go for? Some companionship [calling out] hey you! Did you used to be a chick? [runs out]

Alien #2:
Does he know he's to be a pet for your son?

Alien #1:
Yes, he's fine with it.

[they smile]

Darlene:
Hey Mum, did you tell DJ to wash his hair?

Roseanne:
Yeah.

Darlene:
Oh well you should've told him to take his blazer off first.

Roseanne:
Why does he do that!

Teacher:
[ to Roger] You don't have to be embarrassed, you did very well and whenever you do your very best, you're never a loser.

Dan:
[ quietly] Yeah he is.

Roseanne:
Spell "goodnight" Roger.

Teacher:
Your word is Monarch.

Dan:
Piece of cake.

D.J. Conner:
M-O-N-A-R-C-H, Monarch.

Dan:
Too bad.

Teacher:
Your word is...

Roseanne:
...please be a word he knows...

Teacher:
Foreclosure.

[Dan puts his arm around Roseanne, they smile]

[about the motorcycle Dan sold for a hundred bucks less than he bought it for]

Roseanne:
I know how hard you worked on it.

Dan:
We'll screw the next guy over real good.

Dan:
Remember our family motto: we're Conners, we gotta eat.

June Cleaver, TV Mom #1:
[Roseanne talks about finding reefer and thinking it's David's] Reefer?

Roseanne Conner:
Ask Eddie Haskell.

June Cleaver, TV Mom #1:
Girls kissing girls... vulgar language, and teenaged sex!

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah that stuff is kinda bad... you wanna hear how much I make? [everybody huddles, Roseanne tells them]

June Cleaver, TV Mom #1:
Oh my God... why, *I'd* make out with a chick for that kind of cash!

Louise Jefferson, TV Mom #3:
Any one of you, let's go.

Roseanne Conner:
Maybe if you would've spoken your mind once in a while, Beav wouldn't have gotten killed in Nam.

June Cleaver, TV Mom #1:
That's a rumor, Beaver's alive!

Roseanne Conner:
Well he ain't working.

Roseanne Conner:
In this house, I'm in charge and father knows squat.

Roseanne Conner:
[to Dan] Do *not* talk down to me, like one of those husbands, who is not afraid of his wife!

Dan Conner:
[to Fred] Anyway, lets talk about the, uh, bachelor party. Now, the women have forbidden us from getting a stripper, so we're gonna have to hire one of them nude models from the Art School, teach her how to dance.

David:
[Darlene suggests that she and David get married] Oh my God!

David:
[they kiss, pause] Wait a minute, ah-ha, okay; now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?

Darlene:
[cheerfully] Nope! Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.

Darlene:
[in shock] Pregnant? You mean like... pregnant?

Darlene:
Yes David, you knocked me up.

David:
How? When?

Darlene:
When? Disney World!

David:
Oh my God! You mean that night after the fireworks?

Darlene:
Well, either that or it truely is a magical kingdom.

Roseanne Conner:
What's up? I smell fear. I love that smell! But what's up?

David Healy:
I'm ok, I guess... It's kind of interesting having all your life's major changes happen all in one day.

Roseanne:
Yeah, I think I can pretty much relate to that... I remember this- one Tuesday they cancelled Cardsharks, and, uhm, they introduced the chocolate chip cookie dough icecream the very same day. Wow!

Darlene:
Everybody's looking at me going 'oh *Darlene* is getting married?' '*Darlene* is having a baby?' I mean hell, even I said it.

Darlene:
With summer school I'll still graduate on time, and the baby will be covered by David's medical insurance and I just put in for a copyright job I can do part time from home.

Roseanne Conner:
Well... it sounds like you're way more prepared than I ever was.

Roseanne:
Hey, take my word for it. By midnight tonight, the taxes will be filed, and all this will be behind us; the tension, the anxiety, the *fraud*.

Dan:
Stupid system, run by stupid people, thought up by stupid people, hired by stupid people.

Roseanne:
Who were elected by even stupider people.

Roseanne:
[working on the taxes for Dan] So, what, you're, you're at line twelve, business income... We just tell them it's none of *their* business.

Roseanne:
Now look, your Dad and I made enough money last year to live very, very, well... for six months... and then we juggled.

Jackie:
I have been dreading this for weeks. You know how crummy my math is.

Roseanne:
Well, no sweat, D.J. will be home by three.

Roseanne:
Let's just go down to the I.R.S., and ask them in person.

Dan:
No, no, I can't, no way, no way. I can't go down to that building, it gives me the creeps. I just know... I'm gonna take one of those snotty little I.R.S. guys, and throw him through a window.

Dan:
[to Roseanne at the I.R.S. office] Do you have anything sharp I can stick in my eye?

IRS Office Supervisor:
You know, if more people would take to time to read these simple instructions, they wouldn't have to come down here and ask stupid questions, and then maybe these lines wouldn't be so long. So long!

Roseanne:
Hey. Hey. Hey, listen, you pencil-pushing geek. I really didn't come down here stand in line all day, to put up with your condescending, snotty, little attitude, you know. I mean, I'm sure it is a pain in your butt to answer our unimportant little questions, but that is your job, isn't it, and you are paid with our tax money.

Dan:
Okay hunny, come on.

Roseanne:
No! Dan. Uh, this stuff is impossible to understand! These laws and explaination of laws; no human being can really understand these things, you know! That's why you gotta go get some $200-an-hour lawyer to even explain the crap to you, you know, and I can't afford $200-an-hour!

Ed - IRS Office Clerk:
[shouts] Hey, lady! We don't write the stinkin' laws! You got a complaint, talk to the idiots in Washington!

Roseanne:
I mean, us people, the poor people, and us regular people, we're paying more taxes than the rich people, 'cause they got all the lawyers to figure out the loopholes! I wanna find loopholes! [crowd cheers in agreement]

Dan:
[Dan is backing Roseanne out of line, and towards the door. He talks to the crowd while Roseanne argues with the supervisor] Excuse me, excuse me, pardon me.

Roseanne:
I mean, we give you our money, and you like, totally mismanage it worse than we ever could anyhow! I mean, the government is something like three trillion dollars in debt, I mean. I think I saw that on Donahue. It's like three tril... that would be like if you make $15,000 a year, okay, so you run up your Master Charge to, what, fifty grand, then can you even imagine, your monthly bill would be like $5,000 a month? I mean, it's insane. The whole thing is insane! I mean, someday us regular people, we ought to get smart, you know, and audit them!

IRS Office Supervisor:
I'm sorry Ma'am. Uh, I didn't get your name.

Dan:
[smiling] You don't need her name.

Roseanne:
[Roseanne makes her way back up to the window] No, Dan... I'm... I'm not gonna... be intimidated by that little weasel.

Dan:
Hunny, this isn't the unemployment office.

Roseanne:
[walking through the line] No, no. I have nothing to hide. Excuse me, Rabbi. [standing at the window, to the IRS Supervisor] I am not afraid to tell you my name... It's Wagner! [crowd applauds as she starts to leave, Dan whispers 'Mrs. Norris T' to Roseanne] Mrs. Norris T. Wagner!

[last lines]

John Goodman:
Hi. I'm John Goodman, thank you. What you've just seen was a play. A silly little play, chalked full of jokes, and just for fun. Just for your entertainment. I personally have nothing but the utmost respect for the Internal Revenue Service, and all of it's dedicated workers. Because, you know, it's the great guys and gals at the I.R.S. that keep America rolling. See, it... it's like this; I got a contract, with a production company, and they hire writers who put words in my mouth. For example, early in the show, I go, uh, it was my "job" to say... it was, uh... "it's a stupid system, run by stupid people". Right, like I believe that! As a matter of fact, I, I don't believe anything I said on the show. It was my job... as an actor... So, I beg you, please do not confuse hard working, responsible, *tax-paying*, John Goodman... with that lovable, but, naughty scamp, Dan Conner. So, to the men and women at the IRS, my hat's off to ya. Good night! God bless.

Dan:
[to Jackie] You are really, *really* gettin' on my nerves today, man! I mean more than usual!

Roseanne:
[Dan's mom is back from the mental hospital and is trying to kill Dan for putting her there. Roseanne is wrestling her on the ground] Audrey, what happened to you out there in California? Did you have one too many frozen mocha frappachinos?

Roseanne:
The doctor said she was fine.

Dan Conner:
No, he said she *was* fine as long as she keeps taking her medication, maybe she stopped.

Dan Conner:
Somebody closed the garage door.

Roseanne:
Like... the wind?

Dan Conner:
Yeah, and I suppose Mr. Wind started up the motorcycle as well.

Jackie Harris:
Roseanne, do you remember Mrs. Osmand?

Roseanne Conner:
Oh yeah, she was scary.

Becky Conner:
Who's Mrs. Osmand?

Jackie Harris:
Oh she was this mad woman over on Elm Ridge who had this black haggy hair and used to dress up like a vampire and jump out at us.

Roseanne Conner:
Too bad she never did it on Halloween.

Jackie Harris:
Hey sis, didn't she wind up in jail for the criminally insane?

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, and I think I read somewhere that she just got released.

Darlene Conner:
Do you think she'll come back to Lanford?

Roseanne Conner:
If she's truly insane she will.

Becky Conner:
Dad, do you remember some psycho named Mrs. Osmand?

Dan Conner:
Yeah, didn't she have a couple of hits in the 70s?

Roseanne Conner:
No Dan, you remember the one they took away.

Dan Conner:
Oh yeah, she was a real psycho, wasn't she always trying to eat her face?

Roseanne Conner:
That was when there was still hope. But you remember what happened after that.

Dan Conner:
Oh yeah, who could forget? She uh...

Darlene Conner:
Escaped.

Dan Conner:
Yeah.

Becky Conner:
No they didn't. You said they let her out.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, well we just didn't want to scare you.

Jackie Harris:
Yeah, you know there's an APB out on her.

Dan Conner:
Is that right?

Roseanne Conner:
Dan, there's a woman in our backyard!

Dan Conner:
[everybody goes to the back door] She's hiding behind the garage, I better go out there.

Roseanne Conner:
No, Dan, no!

Darlene Conner:
Where'd she go? Where'd she go?

Roseanne Conner, Dan Conner, Jackie Harris:
GOTCHA!

Jackie Harris:
What're you guys gonna be?

Becky Conner:
Oooooh, maybe I'll be Wonder Woman.

Darlene Conner:
And I can be Casper the friendly ghost!

Roseanne Conner:
Well I guess you two are just tooooo mature to go trick or treating.

Darlene Conner:
Besides, if I want candy I'll just go through your purse.

Jackie Harris:
This is a sick household!

Roseanne Conner:
And it's going to be even sicker when I get done because this time it's personal!

Becky Conner:
[Darlene dribbles blood into Becky's cereal] Darlene!

Darlene Conner:
They cut out my tongue.

Becky Conner:
You are so gross!

Roseanne Conner:
Gross? You're disgusting and I am proud to be your mommy!

David:
[Jackie is upset because she just got divorced] Come on, Jackie, who wouldn't want to go out with you?

Jackie:
That's easy for you to say, you little frizzy-haired Pollyanna. You talk to me after a year of marriage. After you've taken up smoking just to shave a couple of years off your miserable life.

Jackie:
Mom, um, I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for *hours*, and I got pregnant. And I'm not gonna marry him!

Jackie:
[chuckles] I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl, I'm naming it Gidget.

Dan:
[Roseanne and Dan are trying to get pregnant] You know, I've been thinking... when this kid graduates high school, I'll be sixty.

Roseanne:
Well, it's one of our kids, Dan, so you'll probably be more like sixty five or seventy.

Bev:
[Roseanne told her Jackie is pregnant] Well, I always knew something like this would happen. She got married and didn't invite me!

Roseanne:
No, Mom, she did not get *married*, she just got *pregnant*, and you're right - she didn't invite you.

Roseanne:
[upset that Roseanne didn't let Jackie tell their Mother that she is pregnant] Well I - I just wanted to soften the blow.

Jackie:
But I didn't *want* this blow to be soft. This was the one! The one! This was the moment I've been waiting for all my life! This one coulda *killed* her!

Roseanne:
Jackie, if you believe in reincarnation at all, perhaps this is not the perfect time to *kill* Mom, if you know what I mean.

Roseanne:
Oh, poor Dan. He's hast'a sit on the bed with me for two minutes and do nothing, while me and God create a life.

Dan:
Maybe my sperms are just waiting for your egg to shut up.

[first lines]

Dan:
[Roseanne is on the bed holding her legs in the air] Rosie... what are you doing this time?

Roseanne:
I'm directing your sperms where to go.

Dan:
Please. I think my *boys* know their way around a fallopian tube.

Roseanne:
I don't know, Dan, I think they're getting old, I hear 'em wheezing around in there.

Dan Conner:
[Roseanne and Jackie are standing outside the front door and overhear Dan and Becky shouting at each other. Dan storms out the front door, putting on his coat] This whole marriage, family thing has been a lot of fun, but I gotta go.

Roseanne Conner:
[to Jackie] Damn, I lose more husbands that way.

Roseanne Conner:
[at the dinner table] So Becky, somethin' wrong with your food?

Becky Conner:
Oh, you mean you hid some *food* under all this *slop*?

Roseanne Conner:
Hey, I stuck that in the microwave, pressed power, pressed time, pressed start, and this is the *thanks* I get?

Becky Conner:
Uck, God, nobody could eat this crud.

Dan Conner:
Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not going to get any crap for dessert.

Mark Healy:
Well, you think you can stop me from seeing Becky, huh?

Dan Connor:
I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow.

Roseanne Conner:
We need to get a new bed!

Dan Connor:
You mean a brand new bed?

Roseanne Conner:
No. One some old person *died* in.

Darlene:
If anybody cares, D.J.'s head fits really well in the toilet.

Roseanne Conner:
See Dan I told you he was small for his age

Darlene:
[Becky's new boyfriend knocks at the door] I'll get it!

Roseanne Conner:
No, Darlene, no! We're going to embarrass your sister in an orderly fashion.

Darlene:
Hey Mark! Two plus two?

Mark Healy:
What?

Darlene:
Yeah. I thought so.

Roseanne Conner:
[after Becky's new boyfriend smarts off to Dan and Roseanne] I want to go over to his house and beat the hell out of his mother.

[Dan pushes her shoulder]

Roseanne Conner:
Not now Dan

[Dan pushes her shoulder twice]

Roseanne Conner:
Okay but hurry it up

Dan Connor:
Help me flip the mattress, come on Roseanne you've gotta get up

Roseanne Conner:
Well you didn't tell me that was part of it

Darlene:
[ DJ is playing the Shadow game] Stop it!

D.J. Conner:
Stop it!

Darlene:
I mean it!

D.J. Conner:
I mean it!

Darlene:
I'm gonna kill you!

D.J. Conner:
I'm gonna kill you!

Darlene:
Dad!

D.J. Conner:
Dad!

Darlene:
It's DJ!

D.J. Conner:
It's DJ!

Dan Connor:
[ Reading the newspaper] What's he doing?

Darlene:
I'm gonna kill him!

D.J. Conner:
I'm gonna kill him!

[Roseanne enters]

Darlene:
Mum!

D.J. Conner:
Mum!

Roseanne Conner:
What's going on?

Dan Connor:
Darlene's saying everything DJ says a second before he says it

Roseanne Conner:
[to Darlene] That's so immature

Darlene:
He's driving me crazy, if he keeps doing it I don't know what I'm going to do

Roseanne Conner:
Did you try banging your head against the table, maybe he'll knock himself out

Becky Conner:
He's just sitting out there, he thinks I'm ditching him

Dan Connor:
Well let him make that long walk to the door and find out

Becky Conner:
[ introducing Mark to her family] Mum, Dad this is Mark, Mark my parents

Dan Connor:
Hello, I'm Dan Connor, this is my wife Roseanne and of course the lovely Darlene

[Darlene opens her mouth and waves]

Dan Connor:
[ At the Lobo Lounge] Isn't that Becky's boyfriend, he's drinking, what the hell's he doing here!

Roseanne Conner:
Where the hell you going!

Dan Connor:
To say Hello

Roseanne Conner:
No Dan, if you go over there, you'll get all mad and punch him or something [They go over together] Hey remember us?

Mark Healy:
Yeah

Roseanne Conner:
Fine and you?

Mark Healy:
I'm alright

Dan Connor:
What are you doing here?

Mark Healy:
Are we gonna have another one of your little chats?

Roseanne Conner:
Chat this!

Dan Connor:
Honey, honey

[Mark sits on a stool]

Dan Connor:
You're only 18 right?

Mark Healy:
Yeah well I've got a little piece of paper that says I'm 21

Dan Connor:
How old are you when you're out with our daughter?

Mark Healy:
Depends on the place

Dan Connor:
I'm gonna ask you the question again and keep in mind you're talking to the girl's father

Mark Healy:
Yeah, well you think you can stop me from seeing Becky huh?

Dan Connor:
I think I can stop you from seeing tomorrow

Roseanne Conner:
Me too!

Dan Connor:
We saw Mark tonight

Becky Conner:
Where was he?

Roseanne Conner:
Over at the Lobo, he was drinking, it may come as a shock to you but he has a fake ID

Dan Connor:
We told him to stay away from you and you're staying away from him

Becky Conner:
Oh my God, I can't believe this, why? I never went drinking with him

Dan Connor:
And you never will

Becky Conner:
This is so typical of you, you have to put your noses in something that's none of your business!

Dan Connor:
You are our business [they start arguing] stop with the attitude!

Becky Conner:
He's the greatest guy I've ever met, you just don't like him and you're taking it on me! [she goes upstairs]

Dan Connor:
Remember a time when she was so sweet, so innocent, so loving

Roseanne Conner:
I remember that time, I barely got to Thursday

Becky Conner:
Okay I'm busted, I wasn't at Judi's, I was at Monica's, I know how much you hate her so I had Judy cover

Roseanne Conner:
That's one

Dan Connor:
Where were you?

Becky Conner:
I told you Monica's, okay her parents weren't home

Roseanne Conner:
That's two

Becky Conner:
Two what?

Roseanne Conner:
Two weeks grounded, you wanna go for three or are we gonna hear Mark?

Dan Connor:
You lied to us, you never understood what you did, that's never gonna happen again

Becky Conner:
I'm never going to see him again and thanks to my mother who made me call every 15 minutes, he's probably never going to want to see me again anyway

Roseanne Conner:
Probably? What if he probably does?

Dan Connor:
You put your mother and I through a lot of crap

Roseanne Conner:
[ to Dan] Just because Mark's never going to see her again, doesn't mean she's ever going to date someone we approve of, I mean the next guy could be like an axe murderer

Mark Healy:
[ Dan is having a dream that Mark is inside the laundry basket and Dan's sitting on top of it] Come on Mr Connor let me out

Dan Connor:
[ mimicking] Come on Mr Conner let me out

Mark Healy:
I promise I won't see Becky again

Dan Connor:
I promise I won't see Becky again

Mark Healy:
There's no air in here

Dan Connor:
There's no air in here

Mark Healy:
I can't breathe

Dan Connor:
Good [he smiles]

[Darlene and Becky are babysitting]

Darlene:
I'll feed, you wipe.

[Darlene and Becky are taking care of a baby who won't stop crying]

Darlene:
Change his diaper.

Becky:
I changed him already.

Darlene:
Well maybe you did it wrong. [In baby talk] Maybe you gave him a baby wedgie.

Roseanne Conner:
[mocking fanatical bingo woman, lights lighter] Oooooh, spirit of bingo! I offered you my first child, now give me my numbers! [laughs maniacally]

Becky Conner:
[after getting busted for lying about flipping the bird] I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you're mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to *moon* the class photo so you guys are proud of me.

Roseanne Conner:
Make sure it's your own butt!

Darlene Conner:
I can't believe it! The nerd flips the bird!

Jackie Harris:
Roseanne; Your son just gave Gilligan the finger.

Dan Conner:
Well, he is the reason they're still stuck on that island!

Jake:
And the names they were calling her at the center.

Roseanne Conner:
What kind of names?

Jake:
Craftmatic Adjustable Bev.

Roseanne Conner:
It's been over an hour, where are they?

Dan Conner:
Maybe they're celebrating.

Roseanne Conner:
They just had a baby. They're not medically allowed to celebrate.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh so the world found out you had sex, it's not like you were in an accident wearing dirty old underwear.

Beverly Harris:
I think my problem is I never found out what it is I like. Maybe it would help if you told me what you liked.

Roseanne Conner:
Uh... okay... I like it when Dan rubs my shoulders, just like you.

Dan Conner:
[finding out Bev had sex with Jake, causing her fall] I understand that unless you were having sex in the shower when it happened, then none of this is my fault!

Darlene Conner:
[Poem Darlene wrote for English, and had to read out loud on 'Culture Night'] To Whom it Concerns/ Darlene's work will be late/ It fell on her pancakes, and stuck to her plate/ To Whom it Concerns/ My Mom made me write this/ But I'm just a kid, so how could I fight this/ To Whom it Concerns/ I lost my assignment/ Maybe I'll get lucky, solitary confinement/ To Whom it Concerns/ Darlene's great with a ball/ But guys don't watch tomboys, when they're cruisin' the hall/ To Whom it Concerns/ I just turned thirteen/ Too short to be quarterback, too plain to be queen/ To Whom it Concerns/ I'm not made of steel/ When I get blind-sided, my pain is quite real/ I don't mean to squak, but it really burns/ I just thought I'd mention it/ To Whom it Concerns.

Darlene Conner:
[about reading her poem aloud on Culture Night at her school] Mom, you can't make me go! And if you try and make me read my poem in front of the geekoid masses, you'll have to throw a net around me and drag me out of the house like a dead seal![Roseanne walks away] Where are you going?

Roseanne Conner:
To get the net.

Darlene Conner:
[not wanting to write a poem for English] [shouts] I don't want to be expressive! I couldn't care less about poetry! I just want to graduate high-school, so I can get on with my life, so I can get a job, and get out of this hell-hole town!

Roseanne Conner:
But if you could be expressive, what would you say?

Dan:
[talking about Becky's date, Dean, the transition guy] Well, at least I'll know what to do when this happens with Darlene.

Roseanne:
Look how cute you are!

[Jackie laughs]

Dan:
I hate this.

Jackie:
[as Dan leaves the room] Poor guy. He doesn't have a clue.

Roseanne:
Yeah, it's like somebody moved his food dish.

Mark Healy:
[asking about Becky] Well, have you been telling her I called?

Roseanne:
Yes, Mark!

Mark Healy:
Yeah, I'm sure you have.

Roseanne:
What, are you calling me a liar? Hey, I got a husband and a boss, I have no need to lie to you!

Jackie:
[after Roseanne tells Mark off, and throws him out of the house] Whoa, you really nuked him.

Roseanne:
I don't know, Jackie. Gee, I've been dreaming about laying into that punk for a year and a half, you know. I finally get the chance, and I forgot to make fun of his hair!

D.J.:
I thought it was good to be a man.

Dan:
Oh, no. Not since the late 60's, son.

Mark Healy:
You were always trying to push us apart. You were always putting me down!

Roseanne:
Yeah and the more names I called you, the more money I had to shell out for birth control pills.

Dan:
[about Dean] You KNEW this guy was dead from the minute he walked in here?

Roseanne:
Yeah! Why do you think I tried to unload the salt-free chips on him?

Roy-Al:
You want something to drink?

Roseanne:
Yeah, thanks. Um, I think a big tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot right now.

Roseanne Conner:
My marriage is not based on me *listening*!

[Beverly and Roseanne are at Jackie's house. Bev is trying to comfort Roseanne]

Jackie Harris:
[to Roseanne] I didn't invite her. I left a window open, she just flew in.

Mark Healy:
Mr. Conner knows that you're not ready to go home yet, so he'd like to meet you on neutered territory.

Beverly Harris:
[Jackie has told Bev about the lottery ticket she bought] Well, its nice you can still dream since reality has been so unkind.

Becky:
Why don't you just kiss my butt?

Darlene:
Well, haul it on over here, Jumbo!

Booker Brooks:
[trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother.

[Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers]

Booker Brooks:
I was!

Roseanne:
Jeeze, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.

Jackie Harris:
[Examining a rock concert t-shirt] I don't remember getting this.

Roseanne:
I think you got that the same night you got that hissing viper tattoo.

D.J. Conner:
You have a tattoo? Can I see?

Roseanne:
You're too young.

Dan Conner:
Oooh, can I see?

Roseanne:
You're too eager.

Dan Conner:
That's my Canoga Beer Cuckoo clock.

Roseanne:
You mean the one where the drunk bear comes out every hour and burps?

Dan Conner:
That's the Canoga Bear. And he doesn't burp, he growls.

Roseanne:
Burps.

Dan Conner:
Growls.

Roseanne:
Burps.

Dan Conner:
Growls.

Roseanne:
Burps.

Dan Conner:
Growls.

Roseanne:
Dan, he pops out of there with his beer mug. The belching bear goes!

Dan Conner:
Listen to this. [sets clock to the hour, then sings] Any time's the perfect time for a Canoga Beer! The bear's the one to have friends and fun, so have a Canoga Beer! Ca-no-ga! [Bear comes out of the clock and burps]

Jackie Harris:
Dan's going to be here and you're always saying how tactless he is.

Dan Conner:
Hey Jackie, how's the herpes?

Roseanne Conner:
[after kicking Brian out] Brian.

[Brian turns to her]

Roseanne Conner:
Would you like fries with that?

[Roseanne slams the door at his face]

Roseanne:
Do you think that I, ahhhhhh, expect more out of Becky, than I do out of you?

Darlene:
I don't know. I mean, it's like you expect 'Becky' things out of Becky. Like good grades.

Roseanne:
Well, you know, I expect good grades out of you too, I just never get 'em.

Jackie:
[to Roseanne, who tricked her into coming over while their Mother was visiting] You are just *evil*!

Beverly Harris:
Tell me, Roseanne, how many women can look that good without a drop of makeup? And your hair's adorable!

Jackie:
Thanks, Mom.

Beverly Harris:
You know, I'm almost glad your father didn't make it. This gives us girls a chance to have some fun.

Jackie:
This is Mom, isn't it?

Roseanne:
I'm not sure. Hold on, let me check that birthmark behind her neck. 6-6-5. Close enough.

[starts to feed Jerry baby food]

Roseanne Conner:
My name is "Mommy" and I'll be your waitress tonight. We have specials on the menu including: tender sweet peas, turkey in its own both, and peaches. And I know these are good, because me and your dad make peach daiquiris out of them. [puts a spoon with Jerry's mouth] Awww, how long have I been a waitress? Well, not very long; and I am just doing it until an acting job opens up. And your dad fixes trucks for the city and he's only doing that till, uh... another one breaks. [Jerry slaps the top of his chair] The best thing about your dad's job is that it's secure, you know? Because, uhh... the last big risk we took was having you, and that was a very big risk, but that's just the kind of people we are... or were? [pause] I know what you're thinking; you're thinking, "well, since you took such a big risk with me, [Jerry grabs Roseanne's hand to be fed] and that turned out so good, how come you're playing it safe now?" Quit growing me. Because... see... [sticks her tongue out] risks are for younger people, not us. See, when you get to be me and your dad's age, you want to know that you can do the same thing over and over again you know... till you... die. [Jerry slaps his hands on the chair again] Okay, so let's just hypothetically say that your dad does take this job at the prison, right? And, uh, what about when that job's over? Then what is he going to do? Course the way this country's going now... I think they're always going to be building new prisons. Yeah, cause, you know, the way people hardly have to pay for what they do at all, it kind of makes crime look like a really good thing to get into, so a lot more people are going to be doing it, you know. And just by the sheer odds, a lot more of them are going to get caught, so I think, they're going to be building a lot of prisons, man. I think those things are going to start going up faster than Starbucks! Yeah! And then, like the people in these prisons, you know, they're going to need to eat, so me and Jackie maybe we get into the ground floor with some catering kind of business, you know. [Dan enters the house] And pretty soon, convicts from all over the world will becoming to eat loose meat in Lanford, Illinois. [stops feeding Jerry] Dan, that's it! You're quitting that boring job in the city and you're going to apply for that construction bit.

Dan Conner:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

Roseanne Conner:
No, I've really been thinking about this for... you know, the last couple of minutes. And, uh, this is a big opportunity here and I think we should take it.

Dan Conner:
Roseanne, is this your way of telling me that you've drank all my beer?

Roseanne Conner:
No, I was just sittin' here and I was talking to the baby-...

Dan Conner:
[interrupts her] Okay, this sounds pretty grounded already. [he sits]

Roseanne Conner:
No, Dan. He made me realize that, uh, the thing that was always so great about us is that we always took a chance, you know, and, this is a chance.

Dan Conner:
Honey, you're going awful fast here. Slow down a minute.

Roseanne Conner:
You know you want to do this. Let's take the risk.

Roseanne:
We're white trash, and we will stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.

Dan Conner:
You know Deeje, it's ironic. You're a kid, you're not supposed to have any problems. You go to school, and the give them to you.

Darlene Conner:
[to D.J.] Ok you little freak, you're about to see your heart!

Dan Conner:
[to D.J.'s school principle] Well look I, I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read them in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature. My, God! What kind of diseased mind could create something like this?

Dan Conner:
... Oh man. Hey, I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not how we raise our children! [to D.J.] Where did you get this?

D.J. Conner:
Darlene made it.

Jackie Harris:
Oh good, go for the guilt. You better take a looong, hard look at yourself, Roseanne, 'cause if you are this obsessed with my life, there is obviously something missing from yours.

Roseanne Conner:
Just figure that out?

Dan Conner:
Man, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this *crap* Darlene's doing. Our's were about depraved sex, and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, who knows what they're about, you know; who even wants to. The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

Darlene Conner:
[to her Dad] That's it! Hire a hearse! Pick out a plot! [running upstairs] D.J.! [opens his bathroom door, holding a water cannon] It's over, Rat-boy!

Roseanne Conner:
[to Jackie] It's *no* big deal? What are you saying? He *hit* you! It's not like he forgot your birthday!

Roseanne Conner:
I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?

Dan Conner:
Well, it started out that way.

Roseanne Conner:
What'd he say?

Dan Conner:
Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

Jackie Harris:
[D.J. took inappropriate material to school] What kind of obscene reading material could D.J. have?

Roseanne:
I don't know. Either one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

Dan Conner:
Being your own boss isn't that great of a deal. Last week I sexually harassed myself.

Jackie Harris:
[while reading a newspaper] Roseanne, listen to this. "Utah Housewife Stabs Husband 37 Times".

Roseanne Conner:
I admire her restraint.

Roseanne Conner:
[teasing about who would get the kids, if they divorced] I'd give them to Jackie.

Dan Conner:
Hell, even I don't hate her *that* much.

Becky Conner:
Cindy Clark's mother let *her* babysit when she was nine.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, Cindy Clark's mom is a drunken slut.

[later]

Becky Conner:
Dad, Cindy Clark's mom pays her $2.00 an hour to babysit.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, Cindy Clark's mom is a rich, drunken slut.

Becky:
... Chip and his Mom are going to pick me up, and I have to figure out what to wear.

Darlene:
Why don't you try wearing a bag over you head so they don't see the way you chew.

Becky:
Shut up Darlene. You're just jealous because I'm dating, and you're flat.

Dan:
You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?

Roseanne:
Oh you mean that 19 year old Adonis with the washboard stomach?

Dan:
You noticed.

Roseanne:
Noticed hell, I made sketches.

Becky:
[Just before leaving to have dinner at her boyfriend's house] Oh my gosh, I'm so nervous.

Roseanne:
Just don't shoot any milk out of you nose, and you'll be fine.

Becky:
What if his mother serves something gross like Brussel sprouts?

Roseanne:
Just spit them in your napkin.

Becky:
That's disgusting.

Roseanne:
Not if you put them in your purse when they're not looking.

Darlene:
[explaining why Dan's not there] He yelled at Dwight and threw his hammer through the drywall.

Roseanne:
[to Chip's mother] Well it *is* Saturday.

Darlene:
[repeating to Becky, her mother's comments about dresses Darlene is trying on for a dance, as they are walking back into their bedroom] It's too blue... Looks better on the hanger... Rhubarb with hair... Makes too much noise when I walk... It makes me look lop-sided.

Becky:
[on the last dress, Darlene is speechless] Well you *do* look like Judy Jetson.

Dan:
[about Darlene's date for the dance] Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.

Darlene:
Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.

Roseanne Conner:
C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!

Darlene:
Please, Mom, I don't want you to help me, I just want you to leave me alone... Please.

Tommy:
[first time looking into buying a motorcycle, sits on a bike] This is great!

Dan:
Yeah.

Roseanne:
[yelling with Becky in the back of Dan's bikeshop about Becky getting a scooter] I said *No*!

Becky:
Give me *one* good reason!

Roseanne:
Because bikes *kill*, okay Becky! I mean, just ask your Aunt Jackie! When she was a cop, she used to scrape kids like you off the street all the time! And don't think a helmet's gonna help either! Alls that does is catch your brains after they fall out of your skull!

Dan:
[after customer overhears fight, and runs out the door] Don't forget to tell your friends about us.

Roseanne:
[after yelling at Dan for being sexist, then arguing with Becky. Becky runs up the stairs, so Roseanne turns to Darlene] And you... What is it with you? All you do is just lay around that couch, staring at that stupid TV, one dumb rerun after another.

Darlene:
[to herself] And I do it as well as any man.

Becky:
[Roseanne wants to know if Becky has a date with Mark, her boyfriend that Roseanne hates] No, we're fighting.

Roseanne:
What about?

Becky:
Well, he's a pig! Our whole world revolves around him. I swear Mother, I'm so sick of it. I'm thinking of telling him to 'bug off'.

Roseanne:
Don't toy with me, Becky.

Roseanne:
[Dan rides into the bike shop on a little scooter] Hey look, it's a little baby bike! Get off it, hunny, you'll kill it.

Roseanne:
So how much can we get for this here scooter?

Dan:
I don't know, a couple hundred bucks. It's well built, low mileage, good engine. It's a good little scooter.

Roseanne:
Well, let's haul it out there to the showroom floor!

Dan:
No... I don't want it out there with the *real* bikes.

Roseanne:
[Jackie wonders why nobody is talking to anyone] *We*, have had a fight, and *we're* not speaking to each other.

Jackie:
Oh, well, what was the fight about? Maybe I can take a side.

Darlene:
[Roseanne wants to know what Darlene's friend called about] She wanted to do something; I didn't feel like it.

Roseanne:
Yeah, well, so what are you going to do?

Darlene:
Nothing.

Roseanne:
That's what you did last weekend!

Darlene:
Yeah, well I'm not finished.

Roseanne:
[Roseanne is trying to get Darlene off the couch by offering her a charge card to go buy some clothes with] Here's the card, just do it.

Darlene:
What should I buy?

Roseanne:
I don't know. Go, try to find something to blend in with the couch.

Becky:
[not believing her ears] Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.

Bonnie Watkins:
[trying to help Roseanne figure out what's wrong with Darlene] What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?

Roseanne:
[chuckles] No, Darlene always *was* the bad influence.

Dan:
[Darlene is laying on the couch, where she has been for some time. Dan walks up and hold a mirror under her nose] Just checking.

D.J.:
I touched a boob.

Roseanne:
Talking - it's like yelling, only not as loud.

Roseanne:
[to David, who doesn't want Darlene to leave home] Yeah, but you know what they say, David. They say, ah, when you really love something you should, you know, make it go away or get rid of it, or whatever.

Dan:
You're acting like a crazed psychopath.

Roseanne:
[snorts] Well the voices in my head disagree.

Dan:
[on getting married] I always thought it was the smartest thing I ever did. You obviously don't agree.

Roseanne:
No, I do agree with you, it was the smartest thing *you* ever did, but we're talking about *me* now!

Roseanne:
[Roseanne and Darlene bury the hatchet] So, I guess we've finally approached the end of B*tch-Fest '93.

Darlene:
Oh what a time we had!

David Healy:
You can't tell Darlene what to do. She's a big girl!

Roseanne:
[snarls] Compared to who?

David Healy:
[Dan is sitting on the couch watching TV; David cuts it off] Mr. Conner, when I was gone, I wasn't living with my mom... I was living with Darlene. It was a stupid thing to do, and I'm sorry.

David Healy:
[Dan stands up] Very sorry.

David Healy:
[Dan towers over David stepping closer] Aw, God, I'm sorry!

Darlene Conner:
You guys think we don't get your corny, little sex jokes.

Roseanne Conner:
Hey, you kids *are* our corny, little sex joke.

Jackie Harris:
[to her Mom, to explain why she hasn't been answering her phone] My apartment was getting fumigated, so...

Al Harris:
Fumigated, for what? All those *louses* you go out with. [cracks up]

Dan Conner:
[making out a shopping list, since Roseanne's parents showed up unannounced] Let me see if I got this straight. We need milk?

Roseanne Conner:
Milk.

Dan Conner:
Eggs?

Roseanne Conner:
Eggs.

Dan Conner:
Bullets?

Bev Harris:
[to Roseanne about Dan] What kind of list is he making? Not that it's any of my business.

Dan Conner:
A hit list.

Bev Harris:
[expressing why she worries about Jackie] Well somebody has to. She's 32, she's unmarried. Heaven forbid that she turns out to be like your Aunt Dale... who teaches P.E.

Roseanne Conner:
Speaking of Aunt Dale, how is Uncle Shirley?

Roseanne Conner:
If my parents move to Lanford, I am gonna be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life, because I'm gonna be in prison for blowing 'em away!

Dan Conner:
Hunny, hunny, be realistic. You don't know how to use a gun. I'll do it.

Roseanne Conner:
[stuck sleeping on cots, they talk about the possibility that Roseanne's parents might move to Lanford] Seriously, Dan, what are we going to do?

Dan Conner:
Well, I'd say let's sleep on it... but who could sleep! You know, if you knew how to stand up to your parents, we wouldn't be lying here right now.

Roseanne Conner:
What is that supposed to mean? And I'm warning you, that fireplace poker's within reach!

Roseanne Conner:
[feeling for the man's pulse] I think he's dead.

Dan Conner:
[steps back] Check again.

Roseanne Conner:
I know how to count to zero.

D.J. Conner:
Did the policeman shoot him?

Roseanne Conner:
No honey, he just kind of ran down like when your toys need new batteries.

Gene the Police Officer:
We have to wait for the coroner to officially pronounce him dead.

Roseanne Conner:
I pronounced him dead half an hour ago.

Darlene Conner:
[Darlene can't find her jeans] Well they didn't just get up and walk away.

Roseanne Conner:
Well yours coulda...

Leon Carp:
[having a bad case of cold feet with the wedding] What if I am not even really gay?

Roseanne:
You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.

Leon Carp:
Oh yeah! Well you just think about it, young lady. Hmm? I hate to shop! Huh, I am absolutely insensitive. I detest Barbara Streisand. And for God's sake I'm a Republican!

Roseanne:
But do you like having sex with men?

Leon Carp:
Well it's...

Roseanne:
[interrupt with a shout] Gay!

Leon Carp:
Oh yeah?

Leon Carp:
[plants a huge kiss on Roseanne] I'm gay. Let's do it.

Scott:
I love you in a way that is mystical and eternal and illegal in 20 states.

Leon Carp:
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard.

Leon Carp:
Roseanne what is all this?

Roseanne:
It's a gay wedding!

Leon Carp:
This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and just, roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacle ball of wrong!

Leon's Mother:
Oh Roseanne. Oh, Leon's told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.

Roseanne:
How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.

Roseanne:
[to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.

Roseanne:
This guy writes out a check for his meal and he screws me out of a tip.

Nancy Bartlett:
Oh great, now I have to follow him home and drive around on his lawn.

Roseanne:
[to Scott] We'd fire her but she's got the best attitude here.

Scott:
[to Roseanne] Let me see that check. [dials the phone] You really shouldn't have to... Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come-and-Go Motel, last time you and your husband were here you left some of your private garments here and... you haven't? Well aren't you a 20-year-old busty blonde? Oops, my mistake. [hangs up]

Roseanne:
He stiffs me out of a tip and you wreck his whole marriage? This is great, I've got other checks, let's do more.

Roseanne:
[after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!

Dan:
Well apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.

Roseanne:
Well, yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.

Dan:
You know, I suggested that, but she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.

Jackie:
You're kidding!

Dan:
Then she started cryin'... and there was no way I could kick her back.

Dan:
[in the kitchen at dinner time] Where's Darlene?

Roseanne:
Oh, well, her and David had a little tiff, so she's up in her room.

Dan:
What's he doing here?

Roseanne:
Well, I'd already invited him, and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped the coin until he won.

Crystal:
[in labor] This better be a girl! It better be a girl!

Dan:
Oh, come on Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.

Crystal:
The hell I will!

Dan:
[after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me!

Roseanne:
[Jackie hangs up the phone after talking with Bonnie] What did she say?

Jackie:
Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it, because you're an idiot!

Roseanne:
She called me an idiot?

Darlene:
My brother and my boyfriend on the Dumbo ride and me without a camera to throw at them.

Dan:
[the girls missed curfew again] We said 9:00, we meant 9:00.

Roseanne:
Yeah, 'cause see, we have this really crazy idea that you actually listen when we speak. And when you're not here by nine, we figure you have a reason, and if we're not hearing that reason from you, then we just sit here and make up our own reason, like that you're laying in a ditch somewhere

Becky:
We would've called, but there was no phone in the ditch we were laying in... Ha Ha?

Dan:
Whatcha doin'?

Roseanne:
Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warrens house tonight.

Dan:
You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?

Roseanne:
No! That was D.J.... Little Warren just stunned 'em.

Dan:
[to the waiter] Yeah, 45 minutes for a rare steak; I'd ask for steak sauce, but I've gotta be at work Monday morning.

Roseanne:
What was the second thing you noticed about me?

Dan:
[chuckles at the memory]

Roseanne:
What, what, what?

Dan:
Ah, those big brown eyes. Like two chained Dobermans waiting to rip your leg off.

Dan:
Aw, get off the sympathy wagon, Roseanne; there were plenty of guys standing in line for you to treat 'em like dirt. I was just the lucky one.

Roseanne:
[talking to Dan about when he asked her to be his girlfriend] You said you'd make the happiest girl in the whole U.S.A.

DJ:
Mom! The toilet's broken!

Roseanne:
Liar.

Becky:
[trying to get their curfew extended with compliments] You look real nice, Mom.

Roseanne:
Thank you. Eleven o'clock.

Darlene:
[quietly to Becky] Not "nice", "thin". "Thin"!

Becky:
Well if they're not missing, then what are they? I mean, hey, let's face it, even Mom and Dad can't eat dinner for *four* hours.

Jackie:
You are rotten *rotten* kids, and I can't even believe I'm *related* to you two!

Becky:
[Dean is giving Darlene a ride back to college] Well, I just don't think she should be using my old boyfriends to get rides!

Mark:
So, what, you're not done riding him yet?

Nancy:
[talking about her girlfriend Sharon] Nothing personal, Roseanne, I just haven't introduced Sharon to any of my friends.

Roseanne:
Oh, you mean any of your straight friends, right? Because you've never been able to accept our alternate lifestyle. Well, it isn't a choice, you know.

Sharon:
I've been wanting to meet you for a while, but for some reason Nancy was scared to introduce her girlfriend to you guys.

Roseanne:
Why, you ain't one of them lesbians, are ya?

Roseanne:
I haven't been dancing since... when was Dad's funeral?

Nancy:
[about a bar she and girlfriend Sharon want to go to] I don't think you'd have such a great time.

Jackie:
Sounds like fun.

Nancy:
It's a gay bar.

Jackie:
Okey-dokey.

Roseanne:
Well, Jackie, it doesn't bother us if it's gay.

Nancy:
Well, it might! Friday is convert-a-hetero night.

Jackie:
Well, I'm not going to feel comfortable there. What if everybody there thinks I'm gay?

Roseanne:
Well, then you could just think they're gay right back at them.

Leon Carp:
So, Friday night, I'll get my chance to see Rosanne out with my people, huh? That should prove quite entertaining.

Roseanne:
Why?

Leon Carp:
Well, how can I put this delicately? A gay bar is sort of like a size 12 dress. You just won't fit in.

Roseanne:
You'll just do something stupid that you're going to regret later.

Dan Conner:
I'm your husband. That's my right.

Dan:
[the girls bought Roseanne a make-over on Mothers' Day in hopes she would let them go to a concert unchaperoned. Roseanne discovered their plan and was very saddened] First of all, let's just say that, you going away for a weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away, that was never gonna happen, no matter how you sucked up.

Becky:
[in apathy] Well, it's unanimous.

Darlene:
[sarcastically] Yeah, I guess that about wraps it up.

Dan:
I don't think so.

Becky:
Okay, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes.

[Darlene snickers]

Dan:
She's not gonna 'like, explode'; she's too busy crying her eyes out.

[the girls pause at this]

Dan:
I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.

Becky:
[uncaringly] Oh, so now we're all supposed to apologize to you?

Dan:
Shut up!

[to Darlene]

Dan:
So I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too! Now you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought you were actually going to do something nice for her, you know, like you cared. And that would've been the very best thing you could've done for her today, and you just ruined it.

Darlene:
Well, what should we do?

Dan:
You're gonna make it up to her.

Becky:
[solemnly] Alright, we'll think of something.

Dan:
No, no, you had your chance... now it's my turn.

[Dan leaves as Becky and Darlene go silent]

Jackie Harris:
[on Roseanne's new robe from Dan] Oh, my, my, my. Let me feel. Oh boy, that feels fire retardant.

Roseanne Conner:
It's *way* retardant.

Roseanne Conner:
[looking in the closet] Hey! I think I found my Mother's Day present from the kids.

Jackie Harris:
You're not going to open it, are you? It's two days away.

Roseanne Conner:
Yea! Well I need time to practice pretending like I like it. [pulls ugly, fuzzy, pink houseshoes from the box] Oh man, I should'a opened it a week ago.

Darlene:
[starts making plans to go to a rock concert] Oh, this is going to be soooo great!

Becky:
Yes, as long as we all understand that you and Stacy won't be sitting with me and my friends.

Darlene:
Becky. There's going to be twenty thousand people there. Why would we sit next to the only four geeks.

Darlene:
[D.J. is sitting on the counter, kicking the kitchen cabinets with his heels] It's Mother's Day, you moron. Stop trying to tick her off.

Becky:
Yea, and go upstairs and hose off whatever stupid thing you made for her in school, and bring it down.

D.J. Conner:
Or what!

Darlene:
Or we'll bury you under the porch with the rest of our brothers.

D.J. Conner:
Here. Happy Mother's Day!

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, lookit, it's an ashtray with your picture at the bottom.

Darlene:
Aww, it's a shame you quit smoking, you could grind your butts out on his face.

Roseanne Conner:
[to Becky and Darlene, after they give their Mom a very nice gift] Man, this must'a cost a lot! Which one of you's is pregnant?

Dan:
[coming back from a road trip on his Harley with D.J] Big day for you, Deege. Learned how to shoot pool. You bowled your own weight. Found out you gotta spit sideways when your riding on a motorcycle. Sure beat TV, huh?

Roseanne Conner:
I got a call from D.J.'s school today because he hasn't turned in any math assignments for 2 whole weeks.

Dan:
Why not?

Roseanne Conner:
Well he's had a lot of extra responsibility around here since you died.

Dan:
[pause] Did I suffer?

Roseanne Conner:
No, a sniper shot you.

D.J. Conner:
I said I was sorry!

Roseanne Conner:
Ever since he got that video game all he's been doing is goofing off.

Dan:
We're going out to eat.

Roseanne Conner:
No, I don't want to go out with those girls, I just want to eat and go to bed.

Dan:
They're not coming, they're going to stay here. I'm punishing them, and eating my chili's just the beginning of the punishment.

Roseanne Conner:
...But they hate ME, right?

Dan:
Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME. It's my Mother's Day present for you. Now go get dressed.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh this is great! This is way better than some dumb robe.

Dan:
[sees Becky and Darlene's spa hairdos] My God, it's the Shirelles!

Becky:
Who?

Darlene:
Disco.

Jackie Harris:
[on the phone to Bev] If I was dating someone, don't you think I'd tell you just to get you off my back, oh yeah, oh well go suck an egg, no I didn't, I did not, why would I say that? Suck an egg, I don't even know what that means, must be a bad connection, I gotta go, bite me.

Roseanne Conner:
[Darlene and Becky have made Roseanne breakfast] What's the catch?

Becky:
No catch, can't we do something nice?

Roseanne Conner:
I don't know, you never have.

Roseanne Conner:
[after receiving her gift card for a spa treatment] Lookie Dan, the girls bought me a good gift.

Dan:
[to DJ] I want to talk to your Mum a second, go bug your sisters.

Roseanne Conner:
[upset] Use real bugs.

Roseanne Conner:
It was all a set up; they were just trying to get something out of me [ hugs Dan] why'd they have to do that today?

Jackie Harris:
[on the phone to Bev] Happy Mother's Day, yeah, it's a shame you can't say the same to me.

Jackie:
[looking at Jackie's baby through ultra-sound] Look at the little feet, and the spine. And what's on its head? It looks like it's wearing a little cap.

Roseanne:
Ohhhhhh, thaaaat's what happened to the condom.

David Healy:
You know, big brothers are supposed to look out for their kid brothers, and like, help them, and do stuff with them.

Mark Healy:
Well I'd a done stuff with you, but you don't like to do guy-stuff.

David Healy:
I like to do guy-stuff! Who says, drawing isn't something guys do?

Mark Healy:
Guys!

Jackie:
[upset] That is a legal document. Fred is suing me for custody of my baby!

Roseanne:
Oh my God. You're *kidding* me!

Jackie:
[hysterically] No! It's all right there! He wants my baby! It's not even born yet, he - he's suing me for custody of my *stomach*!

Fred:
Save your breath, Roseanne, you're not gonna talk me into dropping this lawsuit.

Roseanne:
Well, maybe I can talk you into begging for your life.

Roseanne:
[trying to get Fred to drop the lawsuit, shouts] I told you before, that I would figure out a way for you to see your kid! I'm *way* more powerful than any *law*!

Dan:
[to Mark, who thinks the women are wrong] Little something I think you oughta know. Women live longer than men, so in the end... they're never wrong.

David Healy:
D.J., who would you rather have for a big brother: me or Mark?

D.J.:
You.

David Healy:
[to Mark] See!

D.J.:
Because you can't beat me up like Becky and Darlene can.

Dan:
[relieved not to see Roseanne anywhere, turns around] Ahhh... [sees Roseanne] Hey!

Roseanne:
Ahh hey to you too!

Roseanne:
Well Dan, I guess you're just not the man I thought you were... and I wasn't too happy with that one!

Becky Conner-Healy:
We should've known, Mom, men stick together no matter how butt headed their argument is.

Jackie:
I know what to do, we'll hire a hitman.

Roseanne:
Jackie!

Jackie:
No, I know what I'm talking about, remember that woman we saw on TV she hired a guy for 500 bucks?

Roseanne:
Yeah, and the reason she was on TV is because she got caught!

Roseanne:
[about D.J.] You know, of all the people in the world to have as a role-model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.

Roseanne:
[Dan sneaks in late after being at the Lobo Lounge; Roseanne checks out his jacket for evidence of another woman] Ah-ha! a hair that isn't his!... Oh, it's mine.

Jackie:
[about Dan and Roseanne's sex life] You're kidding? You guys have a *night*?

Roseanne:
Yes, we have a *night*. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.

Jackie:
You have a time too?

Roseanne:
Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.

Jackie:
Well, you should make him wait half-an-hour after he eats.

Jackie:
Oh, c'mon. Just because you guys aren't having "Wednesday", doesn't mean he's out... "Wednesday-ing" somebody else.

Becky Conner-Healy:
[cracks up after hearing that David thought pregnant Jackie was trying to come on to him] That is soooo funny!... I mean, who would want to go to bed with some big ol' fat lady?

Darlene Conner:
[a moment later, Darlene comes in the front door, hears the same story about David, and chuckles] Who'd want to sleep with some big ol' fat lady?

Dan:
[David, who is banned from the house, gets caught in the basement making out with Darlene by Dan; Dan shouts, slinging him into a door] What's the matter with you, boy? Can't keep your pants on?

Roseanne:
[Darlene, at Jackie's house where David is also staying, refuses to return home so Roseanne can torture her] Wrong, that is exactly why you're going back there. You're in big trouble, and your punishment is not going to be sex with your boyfriend.

Darlene Conner:
Well obviously you've never *had* sex with my boyfriend.

Dan:
[to Fred] Damn women! Who the hell do they think they are!

Roseanne:
We are sugar and spice, and everything nice. So bite me!

Dan:
[Roseanne wants to take him to work, but he is angry with her] On second thought, I just might like to walk to work today.

Roseanne:
Oh, you don't even like to walk to the car.

Dan:
Roseanne, you've been saying it for years and I'm ready to agree with you; men are pigs.

Dan:
Before she met David, Darlene was not the kind of kid who would lie about living with her boyfriend.

Roseanne:
Before she met David, Darlene was 12.

Roseanne:
You keep going on about this is David's fault, well Darlene was there too, Dan, it's not like David forced her to hide him out.

Dan:
I know that guys can be very persuasive with girls.

Roseanne:
Have you *met* Darlene?

Dan:
I know that I was able to take advantage of you.

Roseanne:
Yeah right.

Dan:
Do you not remember our second date? You had gotten into a big fight with your mom and were all upset, I wasn't thinking about your feelings, I was thinking you were ripe for the picking.

Roseanne:
My mom was in Indiana, there was no fight, I just made it up so [fake weeping] you could comfort me in my time of need. [later] The fact that I had my nightgown in my purse should've tipped you off!

Ed Conner:
[to Roseanne after giving the kids their gifts] Yours is in the mail.

Roseanne:
Oh Ed, you know you don't have to bring us anything. As soon as you leave, we take *their* stuff.

Roseanne:
[Darlene plays with toy hand-cuffs] You know Darlene, I've got a feeling you're gonna have an even nicer pair of those some day.

Ed Conner:
[after an argument with his son, Dan] I guess I really messed things up this time, huh Rosie.

Roseanne:
Yeah, Ed... it's all over your shoes.

Ed Conner:
[in the garage] What are you guys doin'?

Roseanne:
Me and D.J.'s trapping ants for his ant condo.

D.J. Conner:
We put jelly on the bread, Grandpa.

Roseanne:
Yeah, and when the ants come out, we smash them over the head with a two-by-four. Same way I caught Dan.

Ed Conner:
[about sons] Yeah, they're too precious, you know. I don't know about mothers and sons, but with fathers and sons huuugh. A Father looks at his son, and he sees every mistake he ever made, you know. And he just, and he just wants to put him on some kind of path, where he won't make those same mistakes.

Roseanne:
[trying to talk] Yeah, but Ed he...

Ed Conner:
[cutting her off] No, a father and a son, I mean, you see what woulda, what coulda, what shoulda been.

Roseanne:
[cutting him off] Ed. Ed! When you're on the phone, do you ever use the *top* half?

Ed Conner:
... All I was doing was giving Danny a little fatherly advice.

Roseanne:
But that's the thing about fatherly advice, Ed. I mean, it's a give and take kinda thing. You can only give it so much before the kid can't take it anymore!

Roseanne:
[in bed for the night] Would you stop hogging all these blankets?

Dan:
[imitating his Father's ramblings] Blankets? Let me tell you a little somethin' about blankets. I came *this* close to inventing the blanket in 1969. It was right after Woodstock, and a guy from, that guy named Navajo Joe, walks to me and says, "I already invented the blanket", so I... he took it away from me. 1969, that was a great year, wasn't it? Woodstock. Who was on the mound that year? Fergie Jenkins. Boy what a set of choppers he had, you talk about teeth, but he went plum idgit on me, and he went and, ah, sunk all his money into, ah, into whatcha call it... hairdryer stock, and tried to invent a five speed ah, photon mix ah hairdryer, and he lost all his dough, see, and, ah, then he couldn't do nuttin about it, so ahhh, so I ups to him and says, "Fergie, what the heck do you know about hairdryers, anyway?", so he goes, "Well it gets windy in Chicago.", I says "Chicago! Chicago, yeah, I was almost in the band Chicago". I used to mix their soundtracks for 'em. But I couldn't quite get it, see.

Roseanne:
[chuckling] Good night, "Ed".

Dan:
Night? Night? What the hell do you know about "night"? I was almost on "The Edge of Night" one time, 'xcept I got my foot cut off in Vietnam, you see, and I couldn't... couldn't quite make it to the audition. And the cab driver didn't speak English see, so he didn't know what the heck he was doin'...

Roseanne:
[laughing hysterically] Shut up!

Dan:
I was shut up in a cave one time, Myramac Caverns...

Dan:
Amazing! 200 miles away, and your parents can still ruin a weekend.

Becky:
[while at the mall with her Dad, Becky runs into friends, and Dan lets her take off with them] Hey Dad... Thanks for, you know.

Becky:
[they hug] I love you.

Dan:
Yeah, I know.

Dan:
[opens his wallet] But here's a ten spot for saying so.

Dan:
[Becky said that she isn't going to a dance with anyone special] Well what about Jimmy Mellon...spellon...ish?

Darlene:
Meltrigger?

Dan:
Yeah! Jimmy Meltrigger. I like him.

[Roseanne looks at him speechlessly, and Dan realizes that he's somehow goofed]

Dan:
Well... there, you know, there was things about him I liked. Uhhhh, I didn't love the guy.

Darlene:
Becky did... 'til he dumped her.

Becky:
He didn't dump me!

Darlene:
Get real! You hit the ground like a safe.

Roseanne:
[nearly hysterical, talking about their Father] Now, how do you think I feel, Jackie? He calls you *every* Sunday! How do you think that makes me feel? How does it make you feel, when - when - when Mom calls *me* all the time, and she never calls *you*?

Jackie:
Lucky! Honored! Off the hook! Free! Thrilled! Elated! Glad that she's still alive, but I don't have to talk to her. Like, that every time the phone rings it can't be her!

Roseanne:
Darlene, hunny, you want to take a walk with me down to the store later on?

Darlene:
Gee, I'd love to Mom, but I'd rather stay home and drill some screws into my toes.

Mrs. Wellman:
[a week after hitting Roseanne with her car] Well, my attorney didn't tell me that she was so seriously injured.

Crystal Anderson:
Well didn't you even call her up and see how she was?

Mrs. Wellman:
Well, my attorney advised me not to. He said it would be an admission of guilt.

Crystal Anderson:
Well ya *are* guilty, Meg! You smashed her car!

Jackie Harris:
[storms back into the beauty shop, in uniform, snarls at Meg] Remember one thing, Wellman, I'm your worst nightmare!

Becky Conner:
You always say how you want better things for us.

Roseanne Conner:
Ah, yea, but I was talking about me and your Dad. You kids already got it too good.

Mrs. Wellman:
Roxanne, I want you to know that, even though you no longer work for the company, we still think of you as part of the Wellman family.

Roseanne Conner:
I don't suppose my health insurance is still good.

Mrs. Wellman:
[laughs]

Mrs. Wellman:
[Roseanne is showing her to the door] Now, why would you feel stupid?

Roseanne Conner:
Because, for some dumb reason, I actually thought that you dropped by to see how I was doing, but you only came by to buy me off.

Mrs. Wellman:
Buy you off?

Roseanne Conner:
Yea, but you bought yourself a huge law-suit, lady, 'cause I'm gonna haul you into court, and I'm gonna squeeze you dry.

Mrs. Wellman:
Well. I hope you have a *very* good attorney.

Roseanne Conner:
[thinking about the incompetent attorney they have, Roseanne is speechless, looks at Dan, Dan is hyperventilating, smiles at Mrs. Wellman, and takes back the check] Let me rephrase that, Meg. Um, I think what I really meant to say was that if, uh, you know, if I, if I woulda bumped into you, I mean I, I woulda called a lawyer too, you know, but first I woulda, maybe, *called* ya to see if you were okay, and, and, and to say 'I'm sorry'.

Jackie:
You know, us cops have a saying; "You never pull a dead man out of a seatbelt".

Darlene:
So what, you just leave 'em there?

Jackie:
Some cops do, I don't.

Roseanne Conner:
The kids are in there eating canned spaghetti.

Dan Conner:
They love canned spaghetti.

Roseanne Conner:
Not for breakfast.

Becky Conner:
[Roseanne's loopy on painkillers] Mom, did you go flying through the windshield?

Roseanne Conner:
No, but I can't wait to try that next.

Roseanne:
You know what you are, Dan? You are a big, fat guy with absolutely no self control. You're Jerry Garcia without the music.

Dan:
[during their worst fight of the series] I watched these kids grow up around here without ever knowing what was going on or even who they were. And just look at the way they turned out.

Roseanne:
I think they turned out great

Dan:
Oh, please, Roseanne! Look, at them, they're not exactly the Kennedy kids!

Roseanne:
No, they're not, but their dad sure drinks like Uncle Teddy!

Dan:
[Dan and Roseanne are arguing about how their children turned out during their worst fight of the series] They're failures, Roseanne, and the only reason you won't admit it is because you'll have to admit you failed as a mother!

Roseanne:
The only way I failed as a mother is to let Becky and Darlene get married so young that they threw their whole life away on a man, just like I did.

Dan:
You didn't throw away a thing.

Roseanne:
Yes, I did, Dan, I threw everything away.

Roseanne:
Oh, I see. It's my fault, that you don't have any kind of relationship with your family. God, you are pathetic! Did I ever stop you from picking up that phone and calling your mother?

Dan:
Hey, at least I put my mother in a psychiatric hospital where she can get some help instead of letting her run around the street like yours scaring people!

Roseanne:
Well my mother might be like fingernails on a chalk board, Dan, but at least she's allowed to grow fingernails!

Dan:
[during their worst fight of the series] why don't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration? [the throws the contents of the mantel to the floor]

Roseanne:
Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things!

Dan:
You are a controlling b*tch! [he flips the coffee table over]

Roseanne:
No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV! [she smashes a toy through the TV]

Dan:
Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -

Roseanne:
What? Say it.

Dan:
Nothin'

Roseanne:
Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [she storms out]

Ronnie:
Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.

Roseanne:
Yeah, an ass... And where do you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? You're from Illinois!

Roseanne:
I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you. You're a b*tch!

Ronnie:
[gasps] I'm a b*tch? Hah! I bow to the queen of all b*tches.

Ronnie:
Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.

Roseanne:
[pause] Good one.

Roseanne Conner:
[Becky has complained that DJ walked in on her] Look me in the eye and tell me it was an accident. And remember... I can tell when you're lying

D.J. Conner:
It was an accident... could you tell?

Arnie Thomas:
I could go for something to eat

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah? Well, then go [she motions toward the front door]

D.J. Conner:
[Darlene catches D.J. peeking at her] She called me a prevert.

Roseanne Conner:
No honey, you're not a prevert, you're a pervert.

Roseanne Conner:
[Jackie mentions Fred overlooks vital areas in bed] You mean... he'll get in the elevator but he won't go down?

Leon Carp:
Well if I wasn't gay before, I certainly would be now.

Roseanne Conner:
Well if you wasn't gay before, a hell of a lot of guys owe you a big apology.

Dan Conner:
It's going to take years of us guys not talking to each other to get back to where we were.

Roseanne Conner:
Well why don't you all cut your tongues out? We know Fred's not using his.

Dan Conner:
You're going to flunk marriage if you can't pass the oral... oh my God...

Dan Conner, Fred:
We know too much, we know too much.

Dan:
Listen Bev, I need to borrow $5,000 until that house sells. Now, you know I'd rather do anything than beg you for money. But you're the only person I know that can't possibly think any less of me.

Dan:
Ah man, we're screwed.

Roseanne:
No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take one billion years to reach the earth.

Jackie Harris:
I am warning you, Mom. If you don't stop treating me like a child, I'm packed up, and out of your place by tonight.

Bev Harris:
That's the coffee talking, Jackie.

Jackie Harris:
Hold on a second. [to the coffee cup] What's that? Okay, I'll tell her. The coffee says that you're a meddling old bat, who's sapping my will to *live*!

Bev Harris:
Well, I'm sorry if I care about you, Jackie, but I watch you every day. I'm just concerned about this reckless life-style of yours!

Jackie Harris:
[nearly shouts] Reckless life-style? I am living with my Mother in a *Retirement Community*!

Jackie Harris:
[Roger asks Jackie out] Wait a minute. Aren't you dating Nancy? My business partner, Nancy? My friend, Nancy?

Roger:
All three of them, yes. But ours is a completely casual relationship; I can date other women... she can date other women.

Jackie Harris:
You know, Roger, Nancy is a casual type of person, but I'm a real up-tight, do-it-by-the-rules kinda gal, and one of the rules is, 'Never date your lesbian friend's boyfriend'.

Jackie Harris:
[in a Thrift Store, to Roseanne] Well, maybe we're not being fair to Nancy. People change. Maybe having a baby is a sign she's becoming less self-involved.

Nancy Bartlett:
Guys, look at this stroller. What do you think? Do you think it makes me look fat?

Roseanne Conner:
D.J., where'd you get those jelly beans?

D.J.:
From the bin at store.

Roseanne Conner:
D.J., I told you, you gotta finish eating them while you're in the store, 'else it's *stealing*!

Dan Conner:
I never thought I would say *this*... I'm too depressed to drink.

Chuck Mitchell:
[yells] Oh! Oh! You trying to say I don't know anything about construction?

Dan Conner:
[yells back] No! Everybody puts a fuse box in the *shower*!

Ty Tilden:
Ah man... daughters. They oughta come with a handbook.

Dan:
Yeah, so you can smack 'em with it.

Darlene:
Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad after-school special.

Roseanne:
Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.

Roseanne:
Let's just cut the crap, okay. You're talking to Darlene's mother here, the mother of all mothers and she is *majorly mad*.

Molly Tilden:
They're so cute. Which one do you want?

Darlene:
The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.

[Sean tries to put his arm around Darlene]

Darlene:
Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.

Darlene:
Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks. Now, can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.

Molly Tilden:
Well, it's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, okay.

Darlene:
Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.

Dan:
[Dan is upset because Darlene is late coming home from a rock concert] I'm going back outside. I want to stand in the middle of the street where the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.

Roseanne:
Where the hell have you been?

Darlene:
Trying to get home. That skank woman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert.

Dan:
I don't care what your story is. The rule is you call.

Darlene:
It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

Darlene:
[to Sean] Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.

Molly Tilden:
I don't have to listen to this.

Roseanne:
Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be *extra* careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.

Roseanne:
I can yell at you all I want and I don't have to buy you a car.

Molly Tilden:
That's right, because you're not my mother!

Roseanne:
Okay, since I'm not your mother I'm not going to tell you how STUPID it is to get in a stranger's van and how horrible things happen to stupid little girls like you every day of the week.

Roseanne:
Oh you're right, Dan, teenagers shouldn't go to rock concerts, only middle aged married couples should.

Jackie Harris:
[describing how she got injured in the line of duty]... and that's when things got ugly. He went for his gun.

Nurse:
What gun? Your partner said the guy was completely naked.

Jackie Harris:
It was dark. It *could* have been a gun.

Dan Conner:
You don't want a bike that sounds like Barry Manilow, you want one that sounds Steppenwolf!

Nurse:
This is for the pain.

Jackie Harris:
Owwww. Make it a double.

Gary Hall:
I hate to see you laying here in pain like this.

Jackie Harris:
Well actually, ever since she gave me that shot, I'm feelin' kinda neat.

Jackie Harris:
I don't want to do anything else! I put on that uniform and people respect me! I get to do something that means something, that protects people, and helps people, even if it means risking my life.

Roseanne Conner:
Jackie, you tackled a naked guy and grabbed for...

Jackie Harris:
I coulda *swore* it was a gun!

Jackie Harris:
He walked in here, and he gave me an ultimatum. He told me to quit the force.

Roseanne Conner:
Well so what? I've been telling you to quit the force since the day you started!

Jackie Harris:
Yeah, and I've been trying to break up with you, but *you* won't seem to go away!

Jackie Harris:
I want someone who will love me and support me no matter what. Just like Dan does for you.

Roseanne Conner:
Are you insane! You know how many years I had to put into Dan? You think he came out of a *box* like that!

Gary Hall:
[about the motorbike] I can still feel it

Dan Conner:
It's supposed to feel that way

Roseanne Conner:
[enters] Can I get you a cigarette or something?

Dan Conner:
[acting like a kid to Roseanne] Gee Ma, we were just playing

Gary Hall:
Lovely grass you've got Mrs Cleaver

Gary Hall:
She's always doing this to me, I'll be at the Cineplex waiting for 40 hours and she's down at the station printing perps

Dan Conner:
Does she really say that? Printing perps?

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah she's really into all this police lingo, whenever I go over there she's always eyeballing a mug shot, grilling a dirt bag or frisking a biscuit

Darlene Conner:
I worked it out with Becky, she's gonna stay here and babysit and I'm gonna go out

Roseanne Conner:
Why would she do that?

Darlene Conner:
I have dirt on her

Roseanne Conner:
What kind of dirt?

Darlene Conner:
Now if I told you, I'd have to stay home [she leaves]

[Becky enters]

Roseanne Conner:
What do you think your punishment oughta be?

Becky Conner:
What do you mean?

Roseanne Conner:
Darlene told me everything

Becky Conner:
That little rat

Roseanne Conner:
But I told her I wasn't going to do anything until I get your side of the story

Becky Conner:
Well first we, wait a minute, uh, uh

Roseanne Conner:
You're getting good

Darlene Conner:
[ Darlene and Becky are cleaning DJ's room for Jackie to sleep in] Where am I supposed to put this junk?

Becky Conner:
Just shove it under the bed

[Darlene puts it under the bed and pulls out two boxes]

Darlene Conner:
What are these? [she takes the lid off one of the boxes to see little doll heads] oh my God

Becky Conner:
What?

Darlene Conner:
He's got a bunch of little heads, Barbie, GI Joe, aw Cher, the little runt's a psycho, what's he do cut their heads off and get rid of the rest of them?

Becky Conner:
[takes the lid off the other box to see the doll limbs] No, this is very weird Darlene

Darlene Conner:
What are we going to do?

Becky Conner:
Just put everything back exactly where you found it

D.J. Conner:
[ enters] Hi, what are you doing?

Darlene Conner:
Nothing, nothing, just cleaning

Becky Conner:
We're just cleaning

D.J. Conner:
Did you clean my closet?

Becky Conner:
No, why?

D.J. Conner:
No reason

D.J. Conner:
Aunt Jackie, I made you a get well card

Jackie Harris:
[ reads] Get well soon, oh you're so sweet

Becky Conner:
[to Darlene] He's got them all fooled

[Dan is acting like a hunchback]

Dan Conner:
I brought the baggage master, where do you wish me to put it?

Roseanne Conner:
Just put it anywhere Igor

Dan Conner:
Maybe later you and me

Roseanne Conner:
We'll see

Dan Conner:
You're so kind [ kisses her hand]

Darlene Conner:
Mum if DJ was doing something weird and I don't mean normal weird, I mean really weird, we'd have to send him away right?

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah but he'd probably find his way back like you always do, what's going on?

Becky Conner:
He's doing something really weird

Roseanne Conner:
I'm so tired of this, I'm really, really sick of it, every time he does anything, you come down here squawking about it, I told you before he doesn't do things the way you do them, he does things differently, he's a boy [they show her the box of doll heads] Oh, DJ's got a hobby

Becky Conner:
Mother these are my old dolls!

Dan Conner:
Oh geez he's not playing with dolls is he? [Roseanne shows him the doll head] That's a relief

Darlene Conner:
You don't think this is insane?

Dan Conner:
Well this one kind of looks like Darlene, she put up quite a bit of a struggle

Darlene Conner:
You guys are sick!

Roseanne Conner:
He does thing's differently

Darlene Conner:
Alright but when we finally do end up having to lock the little wacko in the basement, don't expect me to change his papers!

Roseanne Conner:
[about DJ's behavior] Dan you did stuff like that when you were DJ's age right?

Dan Conner:
No, the boy's odd

Dan Conner:
[ Dan and Gary are forming a gang] We need to get you one of them biker names

Gary Hall:
How bout Psycho?

Roseanne Conner:
No, we're saving that for DJ

Darlene Conner:
[upset that Roseanne is ignoring D.J.'s bizarre behavior] Alright, but when we finally do end up locking the little wacko in the basement, don't expect me to change his papers!

Jackie Harris:
[melodramatically] Roseanne, because of my back injury, I may wind up... behind a desk.

Roseanne Conner:
[pause, sarcastically crooning] You poor thing, can I do my little happy dance now?

Roseanne Conner:
Phil, he works over there at, ah, Garvin Meat Packing plant, and he got me an interview for a job tomorrow.

Dan Conner:
Yeah? What do you know about packin' meat?

Roseanne Conner:
Well, I've been living with a rump-roast for 15 years.

Roseanne Conner:
[to Jackie] Oh, they're not gonna hire me. They're gonna hire some chickie with a tight skirt, and a loose everything-else.

Muriel:
[conducting a job interview with Roseanne] Oh no pressure, I like you already. You drove down an alley that's forbidden to cars, and you parked in a fire lane. The point is, you got here on time, you know how to get things done.

Roseanne:
[offering to the family] Hey, I got one more pancake.

D.J.:
I want French toast!

Roseanne:
Well, you better move to Europe.

Jackie Harris:
[Roseanne, angry, grabs her keys and leaves the house] Oh God. This is really bad.

Dan Conner:
Yeah, I know.

Jackie Harris:
Oh no. I mean, this is *really* bad. I'm parked *behind* her.

Jackie Harris:
Remeber how nuts she went when she found out what you guys did in high school?

Dan Conner:
Yeah, I do. And we're not going to put her through that again, *are* we?

Jackie Harris:
No, of course not. Dan, Roseanne is very sensitive about this... and we know how dangerous she is when she gets sensitive.

[first lines]

Phyllis Zimmer:
Excuse me. Does Dan Conner work here?

Fred:
No... he's the boss.

Phyllis Zimmer:
[discussing their affair in high school] Roseanne ever find out about us?

Dan:
Yeah.

Dan:
[points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.

Jackie Harris:
[comes in through the front door] Roseanne, you all ready to go?

Roseanne Conner:
[whining] I don't wa-haant to-o-o-o! I feel like a used piece of gum that somebody stuck under the table, just waiting for the excitement of drying up and hitting the floor.

Roseanne Conner:
I have reached an all-time low. I quit my job at Wellman, I didn't make it at phone sales, I get fired by some zit-faced brat at Chicken Devine. Now I am actually going in to apply for a job where in I make coffee, answer the phone, and sweep the floor.

Jackie Harris:
Yes, but those are all things that you do very, very, well.

Roseanne Conner:
[at her beauty salon job interview] Yea, well, you know, I just, I, I would just kinda like to think about it.

Marsha:
Think about what? If it's that miserable, you either quit, or I unload you!

Roseanne Conner:
Well, as long as there's some kind of humiliation at the end of the tunnel.

Roseanne Conner:
[around the dinner table] Actually I, I was kinda celebrating. I got a promotion.

Dan Conner:
Promotion? Promotion to what, 'shampoo girl'. [chuckles] [Roseanne gives him a look] What?

Roseanne Conner:
...Shampoo woman.

Dan Conner:
I stand corrected.

Darlene Conner:
You're a dead man.

Dan Conner:
I meant to say '*Good* job'. Good job.

Roseanne Conner:
No, it's not. It's not a good job, it's a degrading job, but nobody there makes me feel like it is.

[Stands up to leave the dinner table]

Roseanne Conner:
That's *your* job.

[Roseanne walks to her bedroom; Dan follows]

Darlene Conner:
Nice going, D.J.!

D.J. Conner:
[loudly] What?

Crystal Anderson:
You know, Roseanne, I never imagined in my whole life, that I'd have you washing my hair.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, I always thought of holding your head under water, more than once.

Marsha:
You HAVE to take this job... you're the only one that applied!

Roseanne:
The mirror's all steamed up now, how am I meant to get ready for my stinking, lousy new career?

Roseanne Conner:
[grabs the syrup bottle and comes up behind Jackie] Remember me, Jackie?

Jackie Harris:
[look of terror] Not Mrs. Butterworth... please not Mrs. Butterworth.

Roseanne Conner:
Remember how your sister Roseanne told you how I came to life at night in the cupboard? Remember how I would chase you around even though I have no legs? Well I'm back and I just want one more sticky kiss! [Jackie screams]

Roseanne Conner:
[to Jerry Garcia] I hope I see you later, I mean, a *lot* later.

Roseanne Conner:
[to the ouija board] When am I going to have my baby? [planchette moves] N...

Jackie Harris:
November!

Roseanne Conner:
O... W...

Jackie Harris:
Nowvember, you're having it in Nowvember.

Roseanne Conner:
No Jackie... I'm having it, now! [screams]

Roseanne Conner:
[after the birth] I didn't call you any horrible names back there, did I?

Dan Conner:
No more than usual.

Roseanne Conner:
[about a kid dressed as a lawyer] That's the scariest costume all night.

David Healy:
[going through the candy bowl] This is all sugar in here.

Roseanne Conner:
Not true, there're chemicals too.

Dan Conner:
[during a seance, gets up and starts singing] Well since my baby left me, I found a new place to dwell.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh it's Elvis! Elvis, Lisa Marie married Michael Jackson. [Dan hits himself in the head with a frying pan]

David Healy:
You should be giving children the stuff their bodies need. [gets fruit from the kitchen]

Roseanne Conner:
What the hell is that?

Dan Conner:
Wait a minute, honey, I've seen this before, it's food that doesn't come in a wrapper.

Roseanne Conner:
That's unsanitary.

Roseanne Conner:
What is a refrigerator, a pool side dressing room, and Ed McMahon?

Ed McMahon:
A refrigerator, a pool side dressing room, and Ed McMahon.

Roseanne Conner:
What is an Amana, a cabana, and a famous second banana?

Trick or Treater:
[to the Connors] You are nice nice nice. Thanks, Happy Halloween!

Roseanne Conner:
I wish I had a daughter like her.

Dan Conner:
Just wasn't in the cards, hon.

Jerry Garcia:
I have a message for you.

Roseanne Conner:
From God?

Jerry Garcia:
No, from me.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, well, that's okay too.

Jerry Garcia:
The message is what we need is magic, and bliss, and myth, and celebration, and religion. We need spiritual connection to each other.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, that's great, thanks, Jerry.

Jackie Harris:
Did you see the Great Pumpkin last night?

Roseanne:
No, Dan wore pajamas.

Jackie Harris:
Hey, Happy Halloween! Did you see the great pumpkin last night?

Roseanne:
No, Dan wore pajamas...

Ghost of Hallowe'en Present:
I am the Ghost of Halloween Present.

Roseanne:
No you're not, you're some big piece of candy corn!

Roseanne:
[to the candy corn shaped ghost of Halloween present] I hope nobody sees me with you, I'm supposed to be on Slim Fast.

Roseanne:
[to the ghost of Halloween past] There's some other stuff from my past I want to see again. Like this one time I wrapped a coon skin cap on my skateboard and pushed it out into traffic yelling 'look out for my dog!' [the ghost laughs] That, I wouldn't mind seeing twice.

Darlene Conner:
[entering the living room dressed as a crow pecked Tippi Hedren] Well, what do you think?

Roseanne:
Well it's nice to see you in a skirt again.

Roseanne:
[everybody at the lodge party is talking bad about Roseanne] Defend me, Dan!

Dan Conner:
[to the lodge members] Hey! Try living with the woman!

Dan:
[discussing Nancy] She's rude and selfish.

Roseanne:
I know, but, inside she's just a... scared little girl.

Dan:
Yeah, and I know what's scaring her, the raging *b*tch* on the outside.

Dan Conner:
You know, Stephen King started out like this.

Roseanne Conner:
[Dan and the kids take her down to the basement for her birthday present] Uh... my own private dungeon!

Jackie Harris:
I'll be back later to give you your present.

Roseanne Conner:
Why can't I just open it now?

Jackie Harris:
I haven't bought it yet.

Trailer Park Resident:
And don't you ever feed my dog!

Roseanne:
If I get drunk enough, I'll *fight* your dog!

Beverly Harris:
I really don't think it's wise for anyone in this family to be giving away livers.

Roseanne Conner:
Weren't you going to take your brother to the movies?

Darlene Conner:
It doesn't start for an hour.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, walk really slow.

Dan Conner:
You still like this Mark guy?

Becky Conner:
Yeah. And I know you think it was his idea to take out the bike, but it wasn't. It was mine.

Dan Conner:
I know. Its that rebel Conner thing. It runs in the family. I want you to know I'm not gonna stand for it. [touches her nose]

Becky Conner:
I just don't want you to hate Mark, you know?

Dan Conner:
[truthfully] I don't hate Mark.

Becky Conner:
Mom does.

Dan Conner:
Oh, Mom definitely hates him. [short pause] Definitely. Hate... mom does, yes.

Dan Conner:
[walks into the kitchen] Morning!

Roseanne Conner:
Hey, Dan. Jackie's going to learn to be a masseuse through the mail.

Dan Conner:
Geez, Jack, what happened? Did your sea monkeys died?

Jackie Harris:
I get a little support around here. [Becky walks in]

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, we're sorry. [to Becky] Hey, guess what. Jackie's gonna be a...

Jackie Harris:
Shut up!

Crystal Anderson:
Roseanne, you got something for a headache?

Roseanne:
Yeah, three screaming kids.

Darlene Conner:
[about Betsy Ross] She was born, she sewed a flag, she died, I can't right four pages on that!

Darlene Conner:
And the forecast is for snow!

Roseanne:
Did you do your homework?

Darlene Conner:
Snow!

Roseanne:
Do your homework.

Darlene Conner:
[frustrated about a book report on Betsy Ross] I wish she'd sewn her fingers together.

Mark Healy:
You change your clothes 8 times a day?

Astrid Wentworth:
On average.

Jackie Harris:
We don't have 8 changes of clothes total. What're we going to do?

Roseanne Conner:
I watched that Martha Stewart, we'll be fine.

Jackie Harris:
Mommy's playing football, and mommy's kicking butt!

Roseanne Conner:
Now you won't have to take all those pills.

Doris:
I won't?

Roseanne Conner:
No, women who yell don't need pills. Men invented pills to shut women up.

Roseanne Conner:
Say 'I'm not taking any crap from anyone'.

Doris:
I am...

Roseanne Conner:
Stop! It's not 'I am', it's 'I'm'.

Doris:
I'm not taking any... do I have to say the C word?

Roseanne Conner:
Yes you do, Doris, because that's the most important word.

Doris:
I'm not taking any crap from anyone.

Roseanne Conner:
That was good but are you serving tea, Doris? get mad and say it.

Doris:
[louder] I'm not taking any crap from anyone!

Roseanne Conner:
Good, now personalize it, make it your own.

Doris:
[louder] I'm not taking any damn crap from anyone!

Roseanne Conner:
Maybe if you'd yell you wouldn't have to drink all the time and start foreign wars.

Doris:
We don't start wars, we just profit from them.

Grandmama Lily:
Oh honey, we start them.

Beverly Harris:
And he's not the only man like that! They're all cut from the same cloth.Which is why I don't particularly care for men! Frankly, to sleep with a man is to know how much you hate them! By the end of my marriage, the only way I could have sex with my husband was if I stopped off at the store and bought myself a Playboy first! [looks shocked at what she just said]

Darlene Conner-Healy:
[after several reaction shots] Well, I think Grandma's just outed herself!

D.J. Conner:
Oh God! [covers his face]

Nana Mary:
I've always know it since she's a little girl. She always liked flannel.

Roseanne Conner:
You know what really just fries me? Our whole lives, you make me and Jackie dress up like little baby dolls you know... you you paint our fingernails, tell us to always cross our legs and act like little ladies... you're like "don't ever act too smart cause you might not get a man!" and now here you are sitting there, my right wing, conservative, Republican mother... is a great big old lezbo!

Leon Carp:
[off Bev's reaction; raises glass] Welcome to the club, Bev!

Scott:
[off Bev's reaction; also raises glass] We'll teach you the secret handshake

Beverly Harris:
I would like to give thanks that I am not a young child being raised by two very tasteful but nonetheless light in the loafers...

Roseanne Conner:
Mom! Mom! Look around you! Nobody's talking about that anymore!

Beverly Harris:
I just don't think two men should raise a child. I married a man! He was cruel to my children and cheated on me, he had horrible table manners and he made me drive an old car with bald tires! The bastard!

Roseanne Conner:
Mother! Try to save a little something for Christmas!

Jackie Harris:
Have you acted on this? With who? When? How? No don't tell me! Pass the yams!

Prince Carlos:
[With a southern twang- Prince Carlos is plastered] Amongst us royalty, most everyone's gay. We just marry so folks won't hang us!

Roseanne Conner:
Hey, where's my 'My other mug is a shot glass' mug?

Jackie Harris:
How're you doing, Darlene?

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Well I have morning sickness, evening sickness, roll down the car window when you drive sickness, my rings don't fit, my shoes don't fit, my clothes don't fit, and if you have time to sit a spell, I'll tell you about my brand new hemorrhoids.

David Healy:
Takes about 10 minutes.

Beverly Harris:
I brought a Jell-O mold with kiwis.

Jackie Harris:
Mother, we have caterers preparing the food this year.

Beverly Harris:
Did any of them make a Jell-O mold?

Jackie Harris:
No.

Beverly Harris:
Then I guess somebody should say 'thank you mother'!

Roseanne Conner:
Go ahead, Jimmy.

Caterer:
[mocking Bev] Thank you mother!

Dan:
[to the father of a kid who was beating up D.J. at school] Whoa, settle down or I'll give my wife a donut to kick your butt.

Suzy:
Meat's supposed to be bad for you.

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah well so are cool pops but you have to draw the line somewhere.

Suzy:
Well what about a vegetable?

Roseanne Conner:
Ketchup.

Roseanne Conner:
Let's see what Meryl picked, New York steak. What does your father do, Meryl?

Meryl:
He's a dermatologist.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, well then that would be a good choice. Anybody here who doesn't have a trust fund?

Roseanne Conner:
Where else can you find pizza, microwave pizza, frozen pizza, stuffed crust pizza, pizza tarts, pizza bites, pizza puffs... did I tell you that you shouldn't shop when you're really really hungry?

Roseanne Conner:
Now we need corn flakes, they are the most important part of this meal.

Meryl:
Why's that?

Roseanne Conner:
Well how else do you think we're going to turn 2 pounds of ground round into 11 pounds of mouth watering meatloaf?

Dan:
Roseanne, what's going on here? Who are all those girls?

Roseanne Conner:
Why they're ours, dearest, don't you remember?

Dan:
My God, how long have I been asleep?

Mark:
[why Mark didn't hurry to get to the Conner's house] I didn't think there was a dinner time here. I thought it was just grazin' 24 hours a day.

Becky:
Why are you gettin' so mad at me?

Roseanne:
Because you are making *me* defend *Mark*.

Becky:
Darlene you just shouldn't let sex rule your life

Darlene:
You know, thats the same speech mom gave me. Except you left out the part "... or you'll end up like Becky".

Roseanne:
Okay, next subject. Dan, how was work?

Dan:
Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!

Roseanne:
[to Becky on the first episode featuring Sarah Chalke in the role] Watch it, young lady. You can be replaced.

Darlene:
Yeah, D.J.'s finally got a friend that's not imaginary.

Roseanne:
Well, we ought to be able to handle this okay. I mean, ya know, it's just masturbation.

Darlene:
Trust me. He goes in that room cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time; which either means he's really, really good at it... or really, really bad at it.

Dan Conner:
Aw, God!

Roseanne:
Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, ya know, cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer, or something.

Darlene:
Well don't worry. How much damage could he do with only one free hand?

Roseanne:
I have no idea how to communicate, ah, with a kid that doesn't yell back.

Roseanne Conner:
*I* am going to get my pores shrunk down to nothing, Jackie. I'm gonna get pounded and beaten to a pulp by some hidious old Korean masseuse. I'm gonna get my chakras opened, my kundalini's awakened; I'm gonna do Jappa on my Malla, then I'm gonna find my channels, merridians, and my "G" spots, and after that, look here, I'm getting one of them colonic irrigations 'cause you can loose sixty pounds per time.

Jackie Harris:
Well, *I* am gonna get waxed and wrapped and buffed and filed and soaked and steamed and purged and peeled 'til there is not one single original cell left in my body, and *then*, I am gonna go out and find a guy with pecks to knock on... and I'm gonna start knockin'!

Dan:
Well, you don't have to lie for me, I'm not afraid of my wife.

Fred:
Oh? Have you remarried?

Jackie Harris:
I went out dancing with another man!

Roseanne Conner:
Dancing isn't a sin. Didn't you ever see "Footloose"?

Roseanne Conner:
[to D.J.] Where have you been going everyday after school? And remember, God will punish if you lie!

Dan Conner:
Roseanne...

Roseanne Conner:
Hey we got it, we may as well use it.

D.J. Conner:
How come we never say grace?

Darlene Conner:
Because D.J., grace is for those who are thankful.

D.J. Conner:
[confronted about why he has been sneaking off to church] Mom, I wanted to tell you. I just had some questions about God and stuff.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, so why didn't you come to us if you had questions? You know, there's no two better people to answer your questions than me and your Dad.

D.J. Conner:
Okay. What religion are we?

Roseanne Conner:
I have no idea. Dan?

Dan Conner:
Well... my family's Pentecostal on Mom's side, Baptist on my Dad's. Your Mom's Mom was Lutheran and her Dad was Jewish.

D.J. Conner:
So what do we believe?

Roseanne Conner:
Well... we believe in, ah, being good. So basically we're good people.

Dan Conner:
Yeah, but we're not practicing.

[first lines]

Darlene Conner:
[to D.J. at the diner] Hey. How do you keep getting in here? There must be a whole in the screen or something.

Darlene Conner:
[to David about his nose ring] Wow. I still can't believe you got that. You're like the first straight guy I've known with the guts to wear one of those.

Darlene Conner:
[just told her parents that D.J. is attending church] Yeah, I mean, maybe he'll take after your cousin Jesco. Isn't he the one who, uh, sent us the bible with *every* single word highlighted?

Crystal Anderson:
[laughs] Roseanne doesn't have to worry about keeping slim, Dan's crazy about her no matter *how* she looks.

Roseanne Conner:
[after being unable to zip up a pair of pants] [groans] We've gotta go on a diet.

Dan Conner:
What's this *we* jazz? My pants fit fine.

Darlene Conner:
[to her parents] Aw, face it. You're both tanks.

Roseanne Conner:
[to Darlene] Hey, you stay out of this! It's your fault I got fat in the first place!

Darlene Conner:
Oh right. Like *I* invented double dutch chocolate.

Roseanne Conner:
No, but I gained twenty pounds with that pregnancy.

Dan Conner:
Me too!

Darlene Conner:
Twenty pounds?

Roseanne Conner:
Okay, forty pounds, [long pause] with each kid.

Dan Conner:
Me too!

Roseanne Conner:
We gotta go on a diet.

Dan Conner:
What's this 'we' jazz? My pants fit fine.

Roseanne Conner:
Well my pants don't fit me.

Dan Conner:
Your pants don't fit me either.

Iris:
You know what's great exercise? Dodging machine gunfire on a beach.

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah because you know, you get all sweaty and then you can just dive into the ocean.

Iris:
Exactly.

Becky Conner:
Aunt Jackie, how come mom's so fat and you're so thin?

Jackie Harris:
Genetics.

Becky Conner, Darlene Conner:
[look at each other] Oh my God!

Jackie Harris:
[Dan comes in huffing] How'd the walk go?

Dan Conner:
[out of breath] Good! [picks up keys]

Becky Conner:
Where're you going?

Dan Conner:
Pick up you mom.

Debbie:
[while having a donut] You're right, Roseanne. This is the best bakery. I mean, these donuts are the cakiest.

Roseanne Conner:
[catches Dan eating ice cream] WELL, LOOK AT YOU!

Dan Conner:
[quickly puts the ice cream away] Gotta go!

Roseanne Conner:
I don't believe it! The very first week you agree to go on a diet, I catch you cheating!

Dan Conner:
Excuse me, YOU agreed to go on a diet! Oh...

[Dan feels his head in pain and jumps like mad]

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, ice cream headache - brain freeze, huh? Well, you deserve it! You go have some warm tap water!

[Dan does so]

Roseanne Conner:
I don't even believe you, Dan! You DID say you'd do this with me! You said that, and don't try to deny it! And you were cheating just then, too, weren't you, Dan? So don't try to deny that, either! You did say we'd go on a diet; and we are gonna diet, I say let's stick to the diet. Eating potato chips isn't gonna help anything!

Dan Conner:
Who's eating potato chips?

Roseanne Conner:
What?

Dan Conner:
You said potato chips. Who's eating potato chips?

Roseanne Conner:
[pauses] Well, I meant ice cream.

Dan Conner:
Yeah, but you said potato chips.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, I can't even believe you, Dan! Don't you try to turn this thing around on me!

Dan Conner:
[suspiciously] I wanna see what's going on in this bathroom here!

Roseanne Conner:
[dashes back into the bathroom] NO, I TOLD YOU I'M TAKING A BATH!

[slams the door at Dan's face]

Darlene:
Well, just as Becky completes the line, "I'd like to thank the student council for allowing me to speak my mind," it happened.

Roseanne:
What happened?

Darlene:
Becky... cut... the cheese.

Darlene:
[after Becky farts in front of the entire school council] People are already calling her "Conner-the-Bomber".

Roseanne:
Becky, what do you think of this dress?

Becky Conner:
Stick a few candles in it and make a wish.

Darlene:
Hey Mom, whatcha workin' on.

Roseanne:
Invoices. I'm ordering new children.

Darlene:
Yeah? Well, why don't we trade Becky in for a partially-tattooed, Latin boy of sixteen.

Dan Conner:
[Becky walks into kitchen all dressed up] Hold it! Could this woman be my little Becky?

Darlene:
Not all of her. If I were you I would check upstairs for some missing Kleenex.

Darlene:
[to Becky] At least I'm not a drooling, boy-crazed nymphomaniac!

Roseanne:
Hey, leave me out of this!

Crystal Anderson:
I heard about Becky's accident, I'm so sorry.

Roseanne:
Yeah, we're thinking of having her put to sleep.

Crystal Anderson:
I got her a card.

Roseanne:
How touching, and strange. [later, to Dan] You know they say there's a card for everything, what do you want to bet?

Dan Conner:
[reads the card] I'll be damned.

Roseanne:
[seeing Becky come home from school] Hey, I thought you had pep squad today.

Becky Conner:
[shouts in tears] I'M QUITTING PEP SQUAD, I'M QUITTING SCHOOL, AND I'M NEVER GOING BACK AGAIN! AND IF ANYBODY CALLS ME, TELL THEM I'M DEAD!

Dan Conner:
Well, it must be serious. She's not taking phone calls.

Dan Conner:
We better finish getting ready for the baby's arrival.

Roseanne Conner:
Say that again.

Dan Conner:
Roseanne and Dan's granddaughter is coming home - LET'S GET READY TO RUUUUUUUUUMBLE!

D.J. Conner:
Mark wants to know if he should score a keg.

Roseanne Conner:
No, I'll strap the baby on the back of my Harley and take her on her first beer run myself.

Roseanne Conner:
Is this all the T-shirts you have for the baby?

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Yeah, why, do I need more?

Roseanne Conner:
Well yeah, I had twice this many when you were a baby, of course half of them were your father's old socks.

Roseanne Conner:
We need to stop praying in dark corners and start praying like we fight, out loud and in public where everybody can see us.

Roseanne Conner:
[D.J.'s pressed against the wall and about to fall off the bed which moved out underneath him] Is this like a religious thing?

D.J. Conner:
A little help here!

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Hey, you okay with all this? You know, staying here with my parents for a while?

David Healy:
Are you kidding? I love it here. It's... never dull.

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Well cool, because you know I just feel safe being near my mom right now, you know at least until the baby's bigger and stronger.

David Healy:
Well, people in this house do tend to get bigger, don't they? [they laugh]

Darlene Conner-Healy:
And you know, I think it'll be great for my dad too, he acts like 20 years younger when he's around the baby. That's got to be good for him after the heart attack and everything, right?

David Healy:
[about staying home and raising Harris with Roseanne and Dan] You know what this is, it's really tribal.

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Tribal? Note to myself, I alone will teach the baby new words.

David Healy:
No I just mean that Harris will get to start off her life in a real extended family.

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Ah, I never thought about it like that.

David Healy:
Darlene it's going to be so great, and it's very natural, it's like throughout history, that's how every child grew up. You know there wasn't day care or babysitters, there was just family. It's just perfect.

Jackie Harris:
Alright, that's it, Roseanne, four bottles of pine cleanser and two cans of Lemon Pledge. [imitating Poltergeist] This house is clean!

D.J. Conner:
[comes down in rubber gloves and a rag on his head] Okay, I got the bathroom clean as a whistle, okay that sandpaper and bleach goes a long way.

Roseanne Conner:
Hey, good job, now get on the phone and tell everybody we're having a welcome-home party for the baby and they gotta get here before the house gets dirty again. Hey, and if you're gonna wear that thing on your head, make me some pancakes.

Dan Conner:
Could use a little more work but I think Darlene and David and the baby will be comfortable here for a month or two or whenever they go back to Chicago.

Roseanne Conner:
Yep, what could Chicago have to offer them, besides culture and excitement?

Jackie Harris:
Can you believe it, Roseanne? We're bringing another baby home!

Roseanne Conner:
This is a lucky house. It adapts well to new life.

Jackie Harris:
I can't imagine this family living anywhere else.

Roseanne Conner:
Yep, lottery or no, I could never get rid of this house.

Darlene Conner-Healy:
[bringing Harris home for the first time] So what do you think of the joint?

Roseanne Conner:
What's not to like? At least she's not under that grow-bulb anymore.

Roseanne Conner:
And then I was thinking this rocking chair here should be right in front of the window so you can sit there, feed the baby and then look out and yell at the neighbor kids to stay off your lawn.

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Well, Mom, I don't want to turn into you all at once.

Roseanne Conner:
Take a big fat look in the mirror, Darlene, you lost.

Subtitle:
[displayed on screen during the final scene] "Those who dream by night, in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that all was vanity; but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act their dream with open eyes, and make it possible."

Roseanne Conner:
A lot of times, "nerds" are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drummer.

David Healy:
[Mark and David are reading their fortune cookies] Mark, I think I got yours: deep thoughts run shallow.

Roseanne Conner:
[closing monologue] Everyone wonders where creative people get their inspiration. Actually, I've found it's all around you. Take Leon for instance... Leon is not really as cool as I made him. He's the only gay guy I know who belongs to the Elk's Club... Then there's Scott. He really is a probate lawyer I met about a year ago and introduced to Leon. I guess I didn't get too creative there... A lot of kids have called my son a nerd but, as I told him, they called Steven Spielberg a nerd too. A lot of times nerds are really artists who just listen to the beat of a different drum... My mom came from a generation where women were supposed to be submissive about everything. I never bought into that, and I wish mom hadn't either. I wish she had made different choices. So I think that's why I made her gay. I wanted her to have some sense of herself as a woman... Oh yeah, and she's nuts... My sister, in real life, unlike my mother, is gay. She always told me she was gay, but for some reason, I always pictured her with a man. She's been my rock, and I would not have made it this far without her. I guess Nancy's kind of my hero too... Cause she got out of a terrible marriage and found a great spiritual strength. I don't know what happened to that husband of hers but in my book I sent him into outer space... When Becky brought David home a few years ago I thought, "This is wrong!" He was much more Darlene's type... When Darlene met Mark, I thought he went better with Becky... I guess I was wrong. But I still think they'd be more compatible the other way around. So in my writing, I did what any good mother would do. I fixed it... I lost Dan last year when he had his heart attack. He's still the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about before I go to sleep. I miss him... Dan and I always felt that it was our responsibility as parents to improve the lives of our children by 50% over our own. And we did. We didn't hit our children as we were hit, we didn't demand their unquestioning silence, and we didn't teach our daughters to sacrifice more than our sons. As a modern wife, I walked a tight rope between tradition and progress, and usually, I failed, by one outsider's standards or another's. But I figured out that neither winning nor losing count for women like they do for men. We women are the one's who transform everything we touch. And nothing on earth is higher than that. My writing's really what got me through the last year after Dan died. I mean at first I felt so betrayed as if he had left me for another women. When you're a blue-collar woman and your husband dies it takes away your whole sense of security. So I began writing about having all the money in the world and I imagined myself going to spas and swanky New York parties just like the people on TV, where nobody has any real problems and everything's solved within 30 minutes. I tried to imagine myself as Mary Richards, Jeannie, That Girl. But I was so angry I was more like a female Steven Segal wanting to fight the whole world. For a while I lost myself in food and a depression so deep that I couldn't even get out of bed till I saw that my family needed me to pull through so that they could pull through. One day, I actually imagined being with another man. But then I felt so guilty I had to pretend it was for some altruistic reason. And then Darlene had the baby, and it almost died. I snapped out of the mourning immediately, and all of my life energy turned into choosing life. In choosing life, I realized that my dreams of being a writer wouldn't just come true; I had to do the work. And as I wrote about my life, I relived it, and whatever I didn't like, I rearranged. I made a commitment to finish my story even if I had to write in the basement in the middle of the night while everyone else was asleep. But the more I wrote, the more I understood myself and why I had made the choices I made, and that was the real jackpot. I learned that dreams don't work without action; I learned that no one could stop me but me. I learned that love is stronger than hate. And most important, I learned that God does exist. He and/or She is right inside you, underneath the pain, the sorrow, and the shame. I think I'll be a lot better now that this book is done.

Beverly Harris:
[after D.J. threw his chopsticks] Roseanne, will you keep your children in line! I didn't raise my kids to throw chopsticks.

Nancy Bartlett:
The women's shelter needs furniture. So if there's anything you don't want, let me know and I'll have it picked up.

Mark Healy:
Get me a beer.

Darlene Conner-Healy:
Get it yourself, slob!

Beverly Harris:
[to Leon] You may think I'm crazy, but it is the women's movement that has destroyed the family unit!

Dan Conner:
Confucius say you snooze, you lose.

David Healy:
I am *not* sexist. I'm much too frightened of women to be sexist.

Roseanne:
Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face.

Dan Conner:
Prepare yourself for a treat... let the romance begin.

Roseanne:
[Dan hands her a videotape] "Romancing the Bone"?

Dan Conner:
Yeah, I figured we could pop it in for a few minutes, watch it, and then, you know...

Roseanne:
Then what? Barf?

Dan Conner:
I did something wrong, didn't I?

Roseanne:
No, Dan, you just did everything wrong. This is nothing but disgusting, pornographic filth.

Dan Conner:
It's got "romance" in the title.

Roseanne:
It's just some sicko male fantasy that only appeals to other sicko males.

Dan Conner:
It can't be just for men. It's got scenes with only women.

Jackie Harris:
[about Roseanne's wedding anniversary gift] Still looking. I wanted to be sure I get you something you've always wanted.

Roseanne Conner:
[gasps] Can you get me into the Witness Relocation Program?

Jackie Harris:
What've you got planned for the big event?

Roseanne Conner:
Aww, it's gonna be sooo great. We're going all out this time, you know. Ah, we'll start with a really romantic, prime rib dinner, and everything, because, you know, the twentieth wedding anniversary *is* the red meat and liquor anniversary.

Jackie Harris:
[Dan wants to know Jackie's opinion about a shoe rack he bought Roseanne for their twentieth wedding anniversary] She is not going to be expecting this. It's a good present, Dan. Good, good, good, really good... [making a face] It's bad, Dan. Bad present, really bad. You can't...

Dan Conner:
[to D.J. in the Big and Tall store] Why don't you go join those other kids over there playing in that pant leg.

Dan Conner:
[store manager of Maury's Big and Tall tells Dan that the job he is offering will only be 'till June] Perfect, 'cause I'd shoot myself if I had to work here longer than three months.

D.J. Conner:
[in the Big and Tall store] Hey Dad, look! I can get this belt around me *three times*!

Roseanne Conner:
[Roseanne can't find her wedding ring] I'm gonna go look in the living room again, and if I don't find it in there, I'm getting D.J. x-rayed.

Roseanne Conner:
[Jackie suggests checking the vacuum bag] The vacuum bag? How in the hell would it get into the vacuum bag!

Dan Conner:
[on the phone with his new boss] Aw, man, no. I can't work Saturday night, it's my anniversary... Well, sure I want to keep it, but... No. I'll be there... No, don't worry, my wife will understand... Uh, just one thing. Could you swing by in a ski mask and drag me off at gunpoint?

Dan Conner:
[after scolding D.J. for being insensitive] So Jim, about our customers, who's like the biggest, fattest guy you've ever seen?

Roseanne:
[to David] Welcome to Roseannadu.

Barbara Healy:
Listen to me. I don't want you... butting in, telling me... how to raise my kids! Take a look at the two little *whores* you raised!

Roseanne:
[gets in Barbara's face] Oh... uh, I'm in this now... You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people... who live in glass *whore-houses* shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white-trash a bad name.

Barbara Healy:
[shouting at David] You think you can live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes out there in that world, unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! You are a worthless little *bastard*!

Roseanne:
Okay, I've changed my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.

Barbara Healy:
Are you trying to steal my kid?

Roseanne:
Oh, this has nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away, or comes and lives at my place, he is *not* gonna stay here with *you*.

Barbara Healy:
Look, you know that I don't mean it when I do this, baby. I just, I'm going through a tough time now, okay? I... I won't... I won't talk like that again, I'll never say it again! Don't you love me!

David Healy:
[near tears] I can't keep doing this.

Barbara Healy:
Okay... *Get out now*!

Roseanne:
[Roseanne tells Dan that she's letting David move in after all] Well, I didn't do it for Darlene; she's the last person I want to make happy. I did it for David! I couldn't leave him there.

Dan Conner:
That's what you said when we found that lost puppy on the highway. I don't want this to wind up like that. I don't wanna have to put David to sleep.

Roseanne:
Dan, I saw what David lives with, and I - I just couldn't leave him there. He deserves to move in with a stable family.

Dan Conner:
Gee, can I come too?

Roseanne:
[Roseanne and Dan walk in on Darlene and David kissing in the kitchen] Oh look, honey, our kids are necking.

Darlene Conner:
[to David] Alright. Well, I guess I'll show you your room in the basement.

Dan Conner:
I don't think so. First of all, there will be no holding hands. There will be no looks across the room. There will be no touchy-feely, there will be no hanky-panky, there will be no smoochy-woochy. And there will be none of that other stuff you're not supposed to know about.

Darlene Conner:
Can we still date?

Dan Conner:
If you want, but I don't see much point.

David Healy:
[having just crawled into Darlene's bedroom window at two a.m., he sees Darlene wearing a t-shirt and comfy p.j. pants] Is that what you sleep in?

Darlene Conner:
Well, my pasties and g-string are in the wash.

David Healy:
Alright, look. I have something to say to you, and it's real important that you don't interrupt me.

Darlene Conner:
Wait, let me guess; "Darlene, you just don't understand. It's different for boys. It's gotta be now, I tell you, now!".

David Healy:
Darlene, you hate it here! Give me one good reason not to run away.

Darlene Conner:
Well, it'd make it a lot harder to look down on Becky.

Darlene Conner:
[asking if David can move in] You don't know how much this means to me! I mean, David's the reason I came out of my mood last year, and stopped being so difficult.

Roseanne:
You stopped being difficult?

Roseanne:
[telling David that he can't move in] I mean, you know, we totally feel for your situation, but it's just, we don't let anybody grow up here unless we're forced to by law.

Roseanne:
[deciding between hamburgers or pizza for dinner] Well, David, it looks like you're the tie-breaker.

David Healy:
[Dan, D.J., Roseanne, and Darlene all stare] Um, burger's good.

Dan Conner:
My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted, and the men are victorious! Come, men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch "The Three Stooges" and we shall scratch ourselves.

[Dan walks proudly into the living room, followed by D.J]

Roseanne, Darlene Conner:
[Darlene and Roseanne glare at David, who hurries after the men] Pizza.

Roseanne Conner:
The only women that give birth real fast, are like those big, fat Iowa women that don't even know they're pregnant in the first place.

Jackie Harris:
Roseanne, how is this gonna come out of *this*?

Roseanne Conner:
Relax, Jackie. These have been coming out of *those* for millions and millions of years, you know? Muscles stretch. Bones break.

Darlene:
[Roseanne tells Darlene that Nancy is gay] Whoa! How did you find out? Did she tell you?

Roseanne:
No. We saw the, "I'm a Big Ol' Dyke" bumbersticker on her car.

Dan:
Do I still have a tie?

Roseanne:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Come again?

Dan:
A tie. One of those long skinny things? Remember the wedding?

Darlene:
You're still eating meat?

David Healy:
Look, come on, I tried to stop, okay? But I realized, I'm a carnivore.

Darlene:
Well so are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.

Roseanne:
Damn that stork!

Darlene:
I was making a statement.

Roseanne:
Yeah? Well, I'm making a statement too! Only *my* chalk outline is going to have long, curly hair, and a great, big, mouth!

Roseanne:
You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people! All that's left for us *is* animals!

Darlene:
[to her Mom] This isn't about money! How can I make you get this? This was once a beautiful living thing, 'till someone put a bolt-gun to it's head and chopped it up, and now you want me to serve it to someone, so they can make their stomach into a graveyard for it.

Darlene:
All right, let's get this over with. I did the chalk outlines. I just couldn't go on being part of the Conner family money-making death machine.

Roseanne:
Oh *now* you come up with a name for the restaurant.

Dan Conner:
Rosie, is my chili too bland?

Roseanne Conner:
Absolutely not! Your chili is just like you: hot and spicy!

Dan Conner:
What's really bothering me, Jackie, is that you're over here *all* the time.

Jackie Harris:
Well, Dan, if you had a *job* you wouldn't even notice so much.

[seething, Dan leaves the room]

Roseanne Conner:
[to Jackie] You really must come over more often.

Roseanne Conner:
[Jackie and Dan are arguing] I know this game, I really do, you take this arm and you take this arm and you both pull until I splatter on the floor in a puddle!

Roseanne Conner:
She's over here all the time because she's my sister, and he didn't mean anything, he's just blowing off steam. Now I swear you are worse than all three of the kids.

Roseanne Conner:
I hear you did some major redecorating of Darlene's castle.

D.J. Conner:
I didn't mean to!

Roseanne Conner:
I know you didn't.

D.J. Conner:
Darlene called me stupid.

Roseanne Conner:
You're not stupid, you're just clumsy like your daddy.

Darlene Conner:
D.J. broke my castle and now I'm going to fail history and it's all D.J.'s fault!

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, it's totally his fault that you put this off till the last minute.

Darlene Conner:
But Mom...

Roseanne Conner:
And it's totally his fault that you've been screwing around all year in history.

Roseanne Conner:
You knew when you married me that I had a sister.

Dan Conner:
Yeah, well, I didn't think she'd be here every weekend.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, hell, I didn't think *I'd* be here every weekend.

Dan Conner:
You know, if she had a life of her own, she wouldn't have to ruin mine.

Dan Conner:
I'm telling you, honey, two minutes after she walks in the... [Sees Roseanne mockingly hold up a pair of his boxer shorts with little red hearts] Put those down.

[after a doctor describes a breast reduction procedure, both Roseanne and Jackie have their arms crossed over their chests]

Roseanne:
What sick Nazi man thought this up?

Roseanne:
[about getting a breast reduction] Hey, Darlene, once you went on solid foods, they ceased to be any concern of yours.

Becky:
[on the phone with Mark, describing a problem with her car] No, my father already fixed it, [directing the comment in her father's direction] that's why I can't get it out of the driveway.

Dan:
[from the kitchen table] Car doesn't have to run for you to live in it little girl.

Roseanne:
[sitting on her hospital bed] Dan, we've got a private room.

Dan:
Good deal!

Roseanne:
Want to fool around?

Dan:
[looking shocked] In the *hospital?*

Roseanne:
[while operating the bed controls, making it go up and down] Yea look it, the bed goes up and down, you wouldn't have to do nothing. [smiles flirtingly]

Jackie Harris:
Roseanne. My child has oreo breath!

Roseanne Conner:
Well relax. That's just because we were drinking an oreo flavored liquor.

Jackie Harris:
[mad because Roseanne fed her child cookies against her instructions] Maybe I don't want my kid turning out the way yours did. Like your... smart-assed high school drop out, trailer trash, dark clothes wearing, boyfriend's in the basement, too-soon-sex doing, four-letter wording, hoodlum oreo eaters! That's what you are... the whole family! The whole *lot* of ya! Oreo eaters! And *you*... you are the *oree-oiest*!

Keith Faber:
How long you been here, anyway?

Roseanne Conner:
Long enough.

Keith Faber:
Your, uh, personnel file says, "11 years".

Roseanne Conner:
You know, the last three supervisors was checking out my personnel file, but, do you see any of them around here?

Vonda:
[talking about how unrealistic the factory supervisor, Faber, is being] Well, somebody need to go and talk to Faber.

Jackie Harris:
[looking at Roseanne] "Somebody"... needs to set this guy straight.

Vonda:
[looking at Roseanne] Right. "Somebody"... really does.

Roseanne Conner:
Well, "Somebody" doesn't feel like it, so just forget about it. Jeez, I mean, you're talking about a guy that wants to see my head mounted above the woman's restroom. Forget it!

Jackie Harris:
[after Roseanne comes out of Mr. Faber's office] You okay, sis?

Roseanne Conner:
[upset] No, I'm not okay! I mean, I tried to be okay, but he doesn't want me to be okay! He doesn't want *any* of us to be okay! You know why? Because *he's* not okay! Okay?

Jackie:
It's high time that we thank the woman responsible for our emancipation: my sister, ex-Wellman employee, and a heckuva woman in her own right.... What was your name again?

Roseanne:
Sally Field!

Keith Faber:
Roseanne, I told you not to walk away from me!

Roseanne Conner:
I'm walking away from you, Faber, and I'm walking away from this stinkin' factory, and I'm walking away from this lousy job.

[Roseanne punches out, quits]

Keith Faber:
[after Roseanne quits by dramatically punching out, and tossing her time-card on the floor] Well, that was a wonderful performance, Roseanne, but if any of you are considering joining her, may I point out there are two doors to this room; one that pays, and one that doesn't.

Roseanne Conner:
[following Roseanne's lead, Jackie punches out, quits. Vonda punches out, quits. Sylvia punches out, quits. Crystal punches out, quits] I guess we're not going to make our quota today, hunny-bunch.

Mr. Evans:
[asking Roseanne about Leon, during a lie-detector test for Rodbells] Have you seen him exhibit any unusual behavior?

Roseanne:
Oh. I know what this is all about. You're trying to scrounge up some dirt on Leon just because he's gay! Well, I ought to call the ACLU, because this is totally un-American. And I'm not going to give you any help on your little witch-hunt, no crappy job is worth that!

[pause]

Roseanne:
You did know he was gay, didn't ya?

Mr. Evans:
No.

Dan Conner:
I can't believe you're jealous over this.

Roseanne:
Why not? It's very typical of me.

Darlene Conner:
[DJ is watching TV; comes up from behind to bother him] Hey, DJ, haven't seen you since I got home.

D.J. Conner:
Shut up.

Darlene Conner:
Oh. Nice to see you too. School's going really well.

D.J. Conner:
Shut up.

Darlene Conner:
Yeah, the bus ride home was nice, but, uh, unfortunately I was sitting next to this guy who kept singing "lalalalalalalala!"

D.J. Conner:
I'm gonna kill you, Darlene!

Darlene Conner:
Not if I kill you first.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, you kids. If I had a corpse for every time one of you said that.

D.J. Conner:
She won't shut up. Shut up, shut up, shut up! SHUT - UP!

Darlene Conner:
How ironic. Grandma's strapped to a bed in the looney bin yet DJ walks free.

Darlene Conner:
Only in our family can someone be nutcase for twenty years without anyone noticing.

Roseanne Conner:
We notice, Darlene, we're just ignoring you.

Jackie Harris:
[Roseanne learns something about Dan's family that he kept hidden] Well, maybe he was ashamed.

Roseanne Conner:
Ashamed? He's been married to me for twenty-one years, you'd think he would be numb to shame by now.

Jackie Harris:
I don't know, Roseanne, it is kinda bad. I mean, think about it... his Mom beat our Mom to the loony-bin.

Bev Harris:
Ek-gads, imagine, a child loving his mother. I hope you can *snap* him out of it, Roseanne.

Roseanne Conner:
This is not about Dan loving his Mother. Okay, you can still love your mother even though you know that she is a crazy old *shrew*.

Bev Harris:
Don't think that I can't read between *those* lines, Roseanne.

Roseanne Conner:
I thought it was a good crazy though. Like remember that time that we were all getting ready to go out for ice cream, and she came in with ice cream and they were the exactly flavors we were going to order? I thought she was psychic or something.

David Healy:
Darlene, I was reading if your grandmother is insane, there's a 1 in 3 chance you might be too. There's a test in here to find out. Question 1, do you put your shoes on one at a time or both at once?

Darlene Conner:
Both at once.

David Healy:
That was easy. What color is a dog barking?

Darlene Conner:
Bright green.

David Healy:
Green, bright green, that's good. Triangle, boat, or hat?

D.J. Conner:
Triangle?

Darlene Conner:
Boat.

David Healy:
Right, so far so good.

Darlene Conner:
[Dan's mom has been admitted to a mental institution and Dan has walked out on a conversation with Roseanne] Hey, mom, you know, he probably just doesn't feel comfortable talking to you because your mother never went insane. Don't worry. I'll talk to him.

Miss Crane:
Your daughter barks.

Roseanne Conner:
Our whole family barks.

Roseanne:
This is why some animals eat their young.

[the kids have left for school]

Roseanne:
Quick, they're gone. Change the locks.

Dan Conner:
Do you regret marrying me?

Roseanne Conner:
Every second of my life.

Becky Conner:
Mom, where's my Algebra book?

Roseanne Conner:
I sold it.

Dan Conner:
You want dinner? Fine. I'm fixing dinner!

Roseanne Conner:
Oh but honey you just cooked dinner 3 years ago!

Roseanne Conner:
[Becky's friend calls, Roseanne anwswers in a high perky voice] Hi! I just looked in the mirror and I'm growing b*obs! Becky can't come to the phone.

Becky Conner:
Our school is having a food drive for poor people.

Roseanne Conner:
Tell them to bring some of that food over here.

Becky:
[re: birth control] But doesn't all that stuff, like, kill the mood?

Roseanne:
Not as much as a screaming baby with a loaded diaper.

Darlene Conner:
[Becky is deliberately blocking the TV] Becky, I can't see.

Becky Conner:
Oh, I'm sorry Darlene. Am I in your way?

Darlene Conner:
Well, we've got a 19 inch TV, and you've got a 25 inch butt!

Darlene Conner:
[on the phone] Yeah! I'd love to... Friday night? Yeah, I was hoping you'd call... You wanna buy me dinner?... Oh, gee, what's in it for you?... Oh sure I put out, everybody knows that!

Roseanne Conner:
Darlene, what are you doing?

Darlene Conner:
Oh, don't worry Mom, he thinks it's Becky.

Roseanne Conner:
[about leaving her job at the hair salon, and starting one in a restaurant] Well the way I look at it, I'm still working with hair, only now it's in the food.

Becky Conner:
[just learned that Roseanne's new job is in the mall where Becky hangs out with her friends] My *mother* is going to be there!

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, it's a kick in the head, ain't it.

Becky Conner:
[shouts] You've ruined my life!

Roseanne Conner:
Well, you don't think I took the job for the money, do ya?

Roseanne Conner:
[in Rodbell's] Just go have a seat, I'll be right with ya.

Becky Conner:
All right. But do me a favor, and don't come over and act like you're my mother or something, okay?

Roseanne Conner:
So, what... then like, breast-feeding you is out?

[leaving Becky looking mortified]

Nancy:
Thank God we all brought our ovaries with us.

Darlene:
[to D.J. after telling Molly what Darlene said about her] You're about to become a strange smell in the attic.

Darlene:
[after Roseanne brings in loose meat sandwiches from a diner she wants to copy] What reeks?

Roseanne:
Your future!

Darlene:
Yeah, that smells about right.

Jackie:
You should have seen it, Darlene, people were shoving loose meat in their faces as fast as they could get their hands on it.

Darlene:
Well, why not just drop a carcass on the table, and let them gnaw 'til they're full.

Darlene:
[refusing to eat a loose-meat sandwich] Alright, get that thing away from me. I'm not gonna eat some animal's face.

Dan:
You don't eat the face; you mount it up on the wall as a tribute.

D.J.:
[Darlene catches him trying to hide a spyscope] I was looking at the stars.

Darlene:
[looks out the window with the spyscope] Hmm. Oh well, would you look at that? There's a constellation in the shape of a naked next-door neighbor!

D.J.:
Mom says I get to name the restaurant!

Darlene:
Great. From the boy who named his goldfish "Fluffy".

Darlene:
I can make you feel like a man, David. Take out the trash.

Donald Bobeck:
[about getting help from the SBA] Not likely. Based on our criteria, we consider you... a bad risk.

Roseanne:
[starts to rise] I'll tell you what a bad risk is. That's *you* sitting across this desk from me, calling *me* a bad risk!

Roseanne:
[to the SBA officer not helping them] You know, the SBA is supposed to be set up to help people like us. Ya'll don't know nothing about people like us. The trouble with people who work for the government, is ya'll have *jobs*!

Molly Tilden:
[about getting D.J. to stop spying on her] So anyway, are you going to do something about your brother?

Darlene:
Yeah, I'll take care of it.

Molly Tilden:
Well I hope so. Because he could grow up to be a pretty disturbed individual.

Darlene:
You don't understand here, Molly. This is the most normal thing he's ever done.

Roseanne:
[Jackie wonders why Roseanne is mad at her] You're the one who dragged that damn ray of hope into this house!

Molly Tilden:
[knocks on the door, Darlene answers, letting her in] Your little brother is doing is again!

Darlene:
I told you I'd take care of it and I did. Dee Jaaaaaay!

Molly Tilden:
What are you calling him down here for? He'll never admit it.

Darlene:
Oh, he won't have to. I put shoe polish on the eye of his telescope so he would be branded the deviate that he is.

D.J.:
[comes downstairs with no shoe polish on his eye] What do you want?

Molly Tilden:
Brilliant plan.

Darlene:
[puzzled] It shoulda worked.

David:
[comes downstairs with black shoe polish on his eye] Hey!... What?

[Molly is grinning, Darlene seeths with anger. A sign blocking the screen reads:
DUE TO ITS EXTREMELY GRAPHIC AND VIOLENT NATURE, THE REMAINDER OF THIS SCENE HAS BEEN CENSORED]

Roseanne:
I'll tell you what's a bad risk. A bad risk is you sitting across the desk calling me a bad risk.

Sylvia Foster:
I could use some "manhood" myself.

Crystal Anderson:
Sylvia!

Sylvia Foster:
Well what am I, dead? There's still some tread in these old tires.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, come on, I love bowling! It's the perfect workout. Six seconds of exercise, drink beer half an hour.

Crystal Anderson:
All you ever do is "poop" all over the sport.

Dan Conner:
Five bucks a piece for them little beggers. That's a lot of money.

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, but you know, look at it this way: for five bucks, they're out of our hair all night.

Dan Conner:
Well hell, let's give them each a hundred, maybe they'll move to Cleveland.

Dan Conner:
Oh come on Rosie, you know girls always go for guys who remind them of their Fathers.

Roseanne Conner:
Not if they listen to their Mothers.

Becky:
Mom, Darlene and DJ are killing each other out there.

Roseanne:
What's the bad news?

Darlene Conner:
Can I have a dollar for a cherry guzzle?

Roseanne:
Didn't you bring money?

Darlene Conner:
Yeah but I'm not spending it on food.

Roseanne:
Well a cherry guzzle isn't food, it's toxic waste.

Roseanne:
Feel like a chili dog?

Jackie Harris:
Among other things. How bout you, Beck? You want a chili dog?

Becky:
No, I'm never eating again.

Roseanne:
Well you're still doing the dishes.

Darlene Conner:
I think I'll go upstairs and lay down.

Becky:
*Lie* down.

Darlene Conner:
Shut up.

Becky:
All the girls at the dance will have a dress like this. If I don't get this dress, I'll look like a freak and none of the boys will want to dance with me.

Roseanne:
So dance with the girls.

D.J. Conner:
Look what I got you, a shoe horn.

Roseanne:
Why don't you take it upstairs, wrap it and surprise me?

D.J. Conner:
Okay.

Roseanne Conner:
[Jackie is sticking up for Dan] What, are you a *man* now? Did you grow a kickstand?

Dan:
"Roseanne" and "demand". Two words that go together like "waffle-iron" and "forehead".

Leon Carp:
To know what God thinks of money, one only has to look at those, to whom He has given it.

Roseanne:
[Roseanne's Mom is moving nearby] Dan, she needs to be near her family now!

Dan:
No she doesn't! She may thinks she does right now, but after a few months and I have to kill her, she'll realize how wrong she was!

Jackie:
[Dan is drooling over the check his Mother-in-Law gave Roseanne] She's just trying to buy us, Dan. Can't you see that?

Dan:
Yeah, I think she hit my price... Actually, she coulda had me for half.

Roseanne:
[to Dan] Give me that check, you are drooling the zeros off of it.

Joe Matthews:
Roseanne, your appearance on the show this morning, it was - fantastic! I mean, your whole "opinionated, blue-collar outlook" people just loved it!

Roseanne:
Oh! See Dan! All these years, everybody thought I was a "b*tch", but what I *had* - was an "opinionated, blue-collar outlook".

Darlene Conner:
[about Darlene's Grandma Bev, who wants to plan the wedding] All these wedding plans she's roped you in to, you got to tell her, "No"!

David Healy:
Uh, I can't just say, "No!".

Darlene Conner:
Well, can you say, "Ow! Quit it Darlene!"?

Cindy Kenner:
[chiperly] Hi, I'm Cindy.

Roseanne:
[shakes her hand] Hi, I'm Roseanne.

Cindy Kenner:
Say, could I possibly get a little bit of Pellegreno?

Roseanne:
You could, if I knew what the hell that was.

Cindy Kenner:
[chuckles with a condescending attitude] Sorry, I forgot where I was.

Roseanne:
You were inbetween asking me for a drink, and getting punched in the face.

[Cindy Lenner's interview session with Leon in the diner]

Cindy Kenner:
[recording] Today we've come to the litte town of Lanford, to ask some local resaurant people the question that's on everyone's lips this election year: 'Is beef back?'.

Roseanne:
[on the sideline, to Jackie] Does she have to think up all these questions every single day? When does she find time to not eat?

Leon Carp:
[looking terrified] Is beef back? Here at the Lunchbox, located on route 9, just half a mile south of Hanging-Back Caverns, we serve beef, to our customers... So beef is good... And - and remember: Le-on recommends le-en.

Cindy Kenner:
[embarrassed, Leon covers his face and runs off-camera] Okay!

[Cindy Lenner's interview session with Jackie in the diner]

Cindy Kenner:
So is beef back?

Jackie Harris:
Um, well, I - I - I'm going to have to agree with Leon that, ah, low-fat is the way to go. But today, there are leaner cuts of beef so who knows. Uh, maybe, someday beef won't have any fat at all. Because, um, the future is now, and who knows what that's going to bring. Maybe, maybe we won't even have beef, or cows, or cars, or we just, you know, we'll just wear those jet-pack things, and we'll just fly all over everywhere we want to go. And we'll eat food made out of, oh, I don't know, just old newspapers and air... Oh to be young again!

Cindy Kenner:
[sliding away from Jackie] Okay!

Jackie Harris:
Hi Andy! Mommy's on TV!

Cindy Kenner:
[interview with Roseanne] Hi. Is beef back?

Roseanne:
Well, I just want to say that the only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.

Cindy Kenner:
Okay! But, um, doesn't a fatty diet, I mean, won't it make you fat?

Roseanne:
So... A lot of people are fat, you know. In fact, I think more American women look like me than you, you know. Yeah, but when you watch TV, there's like no fat people on there or anything, like, when I watch that show "Friends", you know, that has all those whiny girls that are nothing but hair and bones, you know, and like, I watch them and they're like drinking those triple expressos and stuff and I'm just like "Hey! Go for the muffins!"

Roseanne:
[Cindy tries to pull the microphone away from Roseanne] It kinda bugs me, you know, because uh, you know, I feel like, hey, I - I eat the same amount of food that they eat, I just don't puke when I'm done.

Beverly Harris:
Stop with the stories, mother, I don't know who my father is!

Nana Mary:
Well then we're even! Neither do I!

Nana Mary:
You remember when I used to get drunk with Hemingway?

Beverly Harris:
I wasn't there.

Nana Mary:
But you remember.

Nana Mary:
To thine own self be true, Shakespeare said that, or maybe it was the Bible.

Nana Mary:
You know, there are more questions than there are answers. Maybe it's supposed to be that way to keep us on our feet.

Beverly Harris:
[Nana Mary revealed she doesn't know who Bev's father is] You really have no idea?

Nana Mary:
No, though I have it narrowed down to four men, well two really because you can't paint so it can't be Picasso, and you don't have any musical talent so it can't be Arthur Rubinstein.

Beverly Harris:
Well I can sing, can it be Louis Armstrong?

Nana Mary:
That is a definite possibility.

Roseanne Conner:
[to Jerry] New York is funny, huh? King Kong didn't fall, he actually jumped.

Roseanne Conner:
[Roseanne's worried Dan won't like the way she's changed or the way she's redecorated the house when he gets home] What if...

Jackie Harris:
Just stop with what if. 'What if?' 'What if?' What if cars ran on spit?

Roseanne:
[Roseanne thinks her mother was arrested for speeding] I can't believe Mom was speeding, she does everything slow; she walks slow, she eats slow, she *dies* slow.

Bev Harris:
[an officer informs her that for a first D.U.I. offense, she will have to attend Alcoholics Anonymous, aka A.A] What! I'm not an alcoholic! I only had *one* glass of wine!

Roseanne:
Well, it doesn't count as *one* glass if you refill it *ten times*!

Police woman:
[about Jackie's Mom] Here's her mug-shot Seargent.

Jackie:
Oh - my - God. Can I get those in wallet size?...

Jackie:
[Roseanne takes her mother out of the police station]... So if you can't give me the picture, can I just get the numbers off the bottom, 'cause I want to play the lotto.

Jackie:
[Roseanne and Jackie accompany their mother to her first A.A. meeting] Well, I always wondered what an A.A. meeting looked like.

Roseanne:
Yeah, it should be interesting to see how many of these people Mom sends screaming back to the sauce.

Bev Harris:
[at her first A.A. meeting] This is soooo degrading! I don't even know why I'm here.

Roseanne:
Well then, let me remind you; glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

Jackie:
My God, I can't believe, all these years, Mom's... a drunk.

Roseanne:
Yeah, you think she woulda been more fun.

Darlene:
[Darlene starts to leave the house, Roseanne demands her to get back in the kitchen where Beverly is making cookies] No way! You said David and Becky weren't going to be here. You didn't tell me I was gonna have to spend the afternoon baking with "Drunken Hines".

Roseanne:
[to Jackie about spending the day with their Mom] But it's your turn! I have to make fifty pigs in the blanket, to give the twenty pigs in the living room!

Roseanne:
Jackie, we've got to get Mom out of there before those other prisoners start passing her around like a pack of smokes.

Dan Conner:
I thought I just heard your mother... like those guys from Nam who thought they still heard the choppers.

Roseanne:
Yeah, or more like the guys from Nam who were still in Nam.

Bev Harris:
[after the A.A. meeting] I'm an alcoholic.

Roseanne:
Come on, Mom, is this like the time you saw Witness and thought you were Amish?

Roseanne:
Dan doesn't drink too much, given the life he lives I don't think he drinks enough.

Roseanne:
[walking around drunken Dan and Jackie in circles] Mom said you guys were out in the garage and you were all drinking. I told her they could not possibly be drinking because they know they can't drink when Mom's here, and I also know that can't be because if that were true, me doing this would make you both want to puke.

Dan Conner:
[sickened] Stop, please!

Roseanne:
Get out.

Bev Harris:
What?

Roseanne:
Get out of here before *I* have a drink. You're not just a drunk, you're a carrier.

Bev Harris:
I'm an alcoholic, Roseanne, don't you know what that means?

Roseanne:
Yeah, I know what it means, it means you drink like you always drank, only now you say you're an alcoholic because you think that that way you don't have to take any responsibility for anything that you do.

Roseanne Conner:
So what is it?

Darlene Conner:
[beat] I got my period, alright?

Jackie Harris:
So what's going on here?

Roseanne Conner:
Darlene got her period last night.

Jackie Harris:
Really? She's only 11.

Roseanne Conner:
I was 11 when I got my period.

Jackie Harris:
Yeah but you were already wearing a D cup.

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, two of them.

Roseanne Conner:
I was up all night ghostbusting.

Dan Conner:
D.J. have a nightmare?

Roseanne Conner:
I don't know, I was too busy with Darlene.

Roseanne Conner:
[Darlene's throwing away her catcher mitt and baseball because they're not considered girl things] These are girl things, Darlene, as long as girls continue to use them.

Jackie Harris:
[about their periods] You were always so weird, like you were looking forward to it.

Roseanne Conner:
Well yeah, it was the one thing Mom had no control over.

Mark:
God! Everyone's so afraid I'm gonna make 'em sick, no one won't come near me! Pheew, I feel like a leopard.

Dan:
[about kicking Becky and Mark out] It's time that they moved out on their own. They'll never leave unless we push them. Now you know I'm right.

Roseanne:
Well, I just hate to see 'em struggle.

Dan:
Fair enough - we won't visit 'em.

Mark:
Hey, I'm sorry about making you sick, Mrs. Conner.

Roseanne:
Oh, that's not your fault, Mark. Becky never should'a married ya.

Dan:
[to Darlene] You don't take your father's lady shaver without asking.

Jackie Harris:
[to Dan] You shave your pits? Is that true?

Mark:
Of course it's not true! [quietly to Dan] It isn't true, is it?

D.J. Conner:
Cool, when can I shave my pits?

Becky:
Is this supposed to be dinner?

Roseanne:
No, this is the cocktail hour before dinner!

Dan:
[about Becky fighting with Roseanne] This is between you and Becky. Bringing me into it, is just going to make it seem like I'm on your side... which, which I am.

Roseanne:
No you're not. You're neutral as usual! Dan "Switzerland" Conner! You just don't want to get involved because she still thinks you're "Mr. Perfect"!

D.J.:
[Roseanne isn't talking to Dan, Becky isn't talking to Roseanne] Mom, what's going on?

Roseanne:
We're playing a game.

D.J.:
Can I play?

Dan:
No, you're too mature to play this game.

Roseanne:
[as Becky still goes silent on her] I was in here doing some cleaning today, and, uh, I came across your diary. Well, diaries.

[Becky slowly turns to her in shock]

Roseanne:
I didn't read it, though. I almost did, but then I thought, I don't want to violate my kids' privacy the way my mom violated mine. So, I put it back under the mattress.

Becky:
[finally speaks to her, half-sarcastic] So, what do want, a prize?

Roseanne:
[satisfied] Thanks, you just gave me one.

Becky:
[Becky is having a hangover] I think I'm going to die.

Becky:
[drunk] This is my sister, Lardene. Larlene... Dardene. [giggles]

Becky:
[drunk] We don't have a bathroom, we have a wok.

Darlene Conner:
I'm gonna go upstairs and flush the wok.

Darlene:
You have a *big* mouth.

Roseanne:
No I don't.

Roseanne:
[shouts up the stairs] *Becky*!

Darlene Conner:
[tastes Becky's drink, spits it out] - Gah this stuff tastes like sock sweat!

Darlene Conner:
Well, you're not gonna do this again, are you?

Becky:
[annoyed] Look, I'll do...

[groans from a headache]

Becky:
I'll do whatever I feel like doing, you little brat. Now beat it.

Darlene Conner:
Okay, okay. Maybe when I come back up, I'll bring you a little breakfast.

[becky groans]

Darlene Conner:
And maybe a sausage or two so you can bite down on one of those little hard chunks.

[Becky trembles in sickness]

Darlene Conner:
And maybe a poached egg slightly undercooked...

[Becky dashes out of bed into the bathroom]

Darlene Conner:
...with that white runny stuff that you can never quite keep on the spoon.

[Becky pukes as Darlene slurps]

Darlene Conner:
Yes!

Karen Hudson:
[after coming in] I'll only take a couple minutes of your time.

Roseanne Conner:
Sure.

Karen Hudson:
You know, it's hard enough trying to keep an eye on my kid being by myself here. I kind of have to count on other parents to help out once in a while. Do you know what I mean?

Roseanne Conner:
Well, no, not really.

Karen Hudson:
[furiously] I think it's really crappy that I let my kid come over here and you guys just leave them alone in the house the whole damn day with an open liquor cabinet!

Roseanne Conner:
What are you talking about?

Karen Hudson:
My kid came home completely bombed yesterday, and she was throwing up half the night!

Roseanne Conner:
Are you saying that my kid got your kid drunk?

Karen Hudson:
That's exactly what I'm saying.

Dan Conner:
Alright, Becky, what happened?

Roseanne Conner:
And try telling the truth this time!

Becky:
Look, it was no big deal; we had a couple of tornadoes.

Roseanne Conner:
Oh, it was no big deal, huh? How come you lied?

Dan Conner:
Who made them?

Becky:
I made them.

Roseanne Conner:
I want to know right now. Is this a new thing or a regular thing?

Becky:
I've never done it before.

Roseanne Conner:
Is that the truth?

Becky:
[annoyed] Yes! What is the problem? You guys drink all the time!

Dan Conner:
First of all, we don't drink all the time. SECOND OF ALL, WE'RE NOT TALKING ABOUT US!

Becky:
Look, I have one drink and you guys act like I'm an alcoholic! Oh, quick, I'll call the 800 number!

Roseanne Conner:
We ARE your 800 number, Becky. And if you got a problem, you better tell us about it right now.

Becky:
We were bored; we were looking for something to do.

Dan Conner:
You want something to do? FIND ME! I'll give you something to do!

Becky:
I guess I just wasn't thinking.

Roseanne Conner:
For God's sake, Becky, you're 14 years old!

Becky:
Mom, everything I do - everything I feel, it's always, 'well, she's 14'. I mean, when you guys do something, people don't go, 'Oh, well she's 37'.

Roseanne Conner:
[after a pause] 36 and a half.

Becky:
Whatever...

Dan Conner:
You know, Becky, you got to find that when people drink, they mostly do it for the wrong reasons.

Becky:
[sarcastically] So, what are the right reasons?

Dan Conner:
Honey?

Roseanne Conner:
You're grounded!

Roseanne Conner:
[after finding out Becky is drunk, to Darlene] What the hell went on here? Did you get in the liquor when you were playing the records?

Becky:
[as Darlene hesitates, solemnly] I was playing the records.

Dan Conner:
Wait a minute... Darlene, I thought you said YOU were playing the records.

Darlene Conner:
Well, yeah. I mean... I got them out, but Becky was actually playing them.

Karen Hudson:
Who was the bartender?

Darlene Conner:
[to Becky] Wasn't it that girl who was over here studying with you?

[Karen glares at Darlene who smiles]

Roseanne Conner:
[to Becky] Dana was throwing up all night and you look like you've been reincarnated as a rag.

Roseanne Conner:
You know I'm not so upset you got drunk, you tried it, you got sick, you got caught; it's that I can't trust you anymore and I always thought I could.

Becky:
You can still trust me.

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah well we'll find out because I'm going to watch you for a LONG time, and then someday MAYBE things can get back to the way they were.

Dana Hudson:
[fans herself with a record while drunk] Have you ever heard of Alpert Herbert? He's from Tijuana.

Roseanne Conner:
[to Leon] Stick and stones may break my bones, but at least they're not a part of my sex-life.

Scott:
[about Leon] He never wants to do anything but lie around the house. I don't know how he can call himself gay!

Roseanne Conner:
So, what, he just came out of the closet and headed straight for the couch?

Chuck Mitchell:
Look, all I know is it's hard for a black man to get a fair shake in this country.

Leon Carp:
Oh okay, well you try being a gay man in Lanford, Illinois. I mean, there is nothing like - like having to correct the spelling when somebody paints "f*ggot" across your garage door.

Jackie Harris:
[Roseanne has PMS] Are you sure?

Dan Conner:
Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years; every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.

Dan Conner:
I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly plesant today.

Crystal Anderson:
And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly plesant"?

Dan Conner:
[about Rosanne's PMS] There's gonna be a 24 hour coaster ride, with Sybil at the switch.

Crystal Anderson:
[commenting to Jackie about her own PMS] Oh yeah, once I went around and busted a street light for every man who ever broke my heart.

Dan Conner:
Yeah, I remember "The Great Black-Out of '84".

Jackie Harris:
[trying to stop Dan] Dan, wait! No, you can't leave!

Dan Conner:
Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.

Crystal Anderson:
[about Dan's surprise party] How you gonna get Don down there, Roseanne?

Roseanne Conner:
Oh I'm just gonna to tell him, "Hey, the Lodge is having another all-you-can-eat night, and you gotta be there to defend your crown!".

Becky Conner:
Mom, you're ironing the towels?

Roseanne Conner:
Well, I can't wait around for you to do it, can I?

Jackie Harris:
Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety... physical pain.

Dan Conner:
And it's rough on your Mother, too.

Roseanne Conner:
[to a stripper] You know, you are the reason why there will never be a woman President!

Roseanne:
Well I'll snap your spine in half like a potato chip, ya b*tch!

Roseanne:
Oh, isn't that cute. D.J. just closed his first drug deal.

David:
[referring to Darlene] What's she doing here?

Darlene:
[to Roseanne] You said David wasn't going to be around.

Roseanne:
Oh, I thought you meant David Cassidy. I know how much you, ah, hate him.

Roseanne:
You guys are in so much trouble, I'm going to make you wish I was never born!

Jackie Harris:
What ever happened to the old-fashioned guys who slept with you once, and never bothered to call again?

Roseanne:
You've been through 'em all.

Dan Conner:
Ah, Fred. When doing a background check on a girlfriend, it's rarely wise to ask the brother-in-law. Especially when his wife is the ham-fisted Roseanne.

Jackie Harris:
[at Jackie's, Fred and Jackie are arguing, Roseanne is there, and the baby starts crying] Aw, baby, what's the matter?

Roseanne Conner:
What do you mean, "what's the matter"? Can't you imagine how scary this is to him? Where - the big, fuzzy thing is yelling at the milk machine?

Fred:
How many men did you date before we met?

Jackie Harris:
Well, do you mean dated at all, or dated seriously?

Fred:
Well, oh, I mean seriously.

Jackie Harris:
Okay, I have to say... just a few.

Fred:
Good. It's not that I mind if you slept with lots of guys...

Jackie Harris:
[chuckles] Oh, well slept with!

Jackie Harris:
[chuckles harder] Well...

Jackie Harris:
[soberly] That's not what you asked me.

Fred:
No I guess it wasn't.

Jackie Harris:
[chuckling] Well, Fred, don't worry... it's not that many. I'd - I'd saaay - three a year.

Fred:
Since you were, what, eighteen?

Jackie Harris:
[thinks] Okay, we'll go with that.

Fred:
[looking shocked] Oh, oh wow.

Jackie Harris:
[getting defensive] Well, Fred! It's not *that* many! Three a year for 20 years is, 60 - wow.

Fred:
Gawd... I don't even *know* 60 people.

Jackie Harris:
Well, I didn't *know* all of them.

Roseanne Conner:
What're you thinking, Jackie, you think a guy wants to find out that his girlfriend slept with 20 times more people than he did?

Jackie Harris:
[to Fred, cynically] I slept with 60 men, most of them separately.

Roseanne Conner:
[coming in] I can vouch for that, I was there that night selling tickets.

[David sees Darlene crying after they broke up]

David:
Are you crying? I didn't know you could do that.

Bev Harris:
[the girls are curious if their Mom is seeing Jake, from her retirement community] Please, girls, I'm not in the market. I spent forty years taking care of your father, and I'm not going to do that again.

Roseanne Conner:
Well relax, in forty years, all that guy's gonna need is just an occasional mowing.

Jake:
Oh, Beverly. Don't stop me if you've heard this one before. Did you read about the lady who was so in love with the priest, she followed him around the church, and grabbed him by the organ?

Bev Harris:
[making a disgusted face] You put your teeth in that mouth!

Roseanne Conner:
And, Ma, I forgot to tell you, um. Dan wanted you to, um, come bowling with us tonight.

Bev Harris:
I'd love to. I'm sure I've still got one of your father's balls around somewhere.

Jake:
Alimony wasn't enough?

Molly Tilden:
David, you're cute, and you're smart, and you deserve someone who doesn's sleep hanging upside-down.

Dan Conner:
[trying to get rid of company] We're out of coffee, Bev, I think we're out of coffee. Yeah, we're out of coffee, and tea, there's no tea. Come to think of it, we don't have anything to eat or drink in the house, and we're out of toilet paper.

[slumps into a chair to emphasize how tired he is]

Darlene Conner:
[wants D.J. to keep his mouth shut about a secret he learned] Well, there's a couple ways we can deal with this. I could grab you by the ears and band your head against the wall, which is getting a little old; or, for the first time in your life, you can act like an adult, which is not going be easy with that haircut.

Dan Conner:
David, you better tell us what you're fighting about.

Roseanne Conner:
Yeah, 'cause it's no fun 'til we can take sides.

Roseanne Conner:
[after hearing what David did to make Darlene mad] Oh, David, I'm so sorry that your last meal's going to be meatloaf.

Darlene Conner:
Not boyfriend, ex-boyfriend. I'm trapped in this house with my ex-boyfriend.

Dan Conner:
Well, you should've thought of that before you ask him to move in here.

Darlene Conner:
I'm only sixteen! Why were you listening to me?

Roger:
I'm sure if you made it, Roseanne, it will be delicious.

Roseanne:
Cool it, Roger. Dan doesn't like it when I'm lied to by other men.

Jackie:
Okay, twenty minutes 'till the movie, let's go.

Roseanne:
Okay, hold on, um, because I want you to wear my coat with the big pockets, so we can sneak in our own drinks.

Jackie:
Why don't you wear it?

Roseanne:
[groans] Oh, they're on to me.

Roger:
Oh, everybody has that doubtful little voice inside their head, but sometimes you've just got to ignore it.