So I Married an Axe Murderer

Police Chief:
You know that woman that confessed to the murder?

Tony Giardino:
What about her?

Police Chief:
It just so happens that she confessed to some other murders.

Tony Giardino:
I thought she would.

Police Chief:
She confessed to the murders of Abraham Lincoln, Julius Caesar, and Warren G. Harding. She's a nutcase!

May Mackenzie:
You've turned into a right sexy wee bastard.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Woman... woe-man... whoooa-man. She was a thief, you got to believe, she stole my heart and my cat. Judy, Betty, Josie and those hot Pussycats... they made me horny, on Saturday morning... girls of cartoo-ins will leave me in ruins... I want to to be Betty's Barney. Jane... get me off this crazy thing... called love.

Stuart Mackenzie:
Now go and kiss your mother or I'll kick your TEETH in!

Alcatraz Guide:
My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me Vicki.

Charlie Mackenzie:
So Tony, what's the deal with your clothes?

Tony Giardino:
What do ya mean?

Charlie Mackenzie:
I mean you look like Huggy Bear from Starsky and Hutch.

Tony Giardino:
What are ya talking about, I look hip!

Charlie Mackenzie:
No no no no no no no, you look like an undercover cop TRYING to look hip.

Tony Giardino:
I AM an undercover cop trying to look hip.

May Mackenzie:
Charlie, hand me the paper.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Dad, how can you hate "The Colonel"?

Stuart Mackenzie:
Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartass!

Charlie Mackenzie:
I like the night life. I like to boogie.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Maybe it is late. You know, I'll be honest with you, I had a great time tonight and I'd really love to kiss you but I think that if I kiss you we'll end up kissing on the couch and if we end up kissing on the couch then chances are we'll kiss in the bedroom and if we kiss in the bedroom then, you know, that's the part I always rush into and I just don't think it's a good idea to rush into spending the night together.

Harriet Michaels:
I wanna spend the night together.

Charlie Mackenzie:
I have no problem with that!

Charlie Mackenzie:
Harriet! Har-ee-et. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis.

Stuart Mackenzie:
Well, it's a well known fact, Sunny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as The Pentaveret, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.

Harriet Michaels:
Do you actually like haggis?

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, I think it's repellent in every way. In fact, I think most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Harriet Michaels:
So bright women intimidate you?

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no, no, no, no, no, not at all. But it's a shame I'm going to have to destroy you.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Marry me.

Harriet:
No.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Please?

Charlie Mackenzie:
I think I'm dating Mrs. X!

Harriet Michaels:
What do you look for in a woman you date?

Charlie Mackenzie:
Well, I know everyone always says sense of humor, but I'd really have to go with breast size.

Charlie Mackenzie:
You know, Scotland has its own martial arts. Yeah, it's called F*** You. It's mostly just head butting and then kicking people when they're on the ground.

Tony Giardino:
Charlie, two words: therapy.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Excuse me, miss? I believe I ordered the Large... HELLO! This is like Campbell's Cup-O-Chino!

Stuart Mackenzie:
Would ya look at the size of that kid's head! It's the size of a planetoid and it has it's own weather system! Looks like an orange on a toothpick!

Stuart Mackenzie:
I'm not kidding, that boy's head is like Sputnik; spherical but quite pointy at parts! Aye, now that was offsides, now wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow.

Stuart Mackenzie:
Let's get pissed!

May Mackenzie:
You're a wee sexy little bastard, aren't ya!

Tony Giardino:
Excuse me sir, I'm with the San Francisco police department, this is official police business. I would like to commandeer this vehicle!

Commandeered Driver:
No.

Tony Giardino:
What do you mean, "no"?

Commandeered Driver:
I happen to know for a fact that you have no right to commandeer my vehicle.

Tony Giardino:
Please, can I commandeer this vehicle?

Commandeered Driver:
No.

Tony Giardino:
You're just not going to bend on this commandeering thing are you?

Commandeered Driver:
No.

Charlie Mackenzie:
I was afraid you were going to kil - leave me.

Harriet Michaels:
You were afraid I was going to cleave you?

Charlie Mackenzie:
How many people have you brutally murdered?

Harriet Michaels:
Well, brutal's a subjective term. What's brutal to one person might be entirely reasonable to someone else.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Harriet. Harry-ette. Hard-hearted harbinger of haggis. Beautiful, bemused, bellicose butcher. Un-trust... ing. Un-know... ing. Un-love... ed? "He wants you back," he screamed into the night air like a firefighter going to a window that has no fire... except the passion of his heart. I am lonely. It's really hard. This poem... sucks.

Stuart Mackenzie:
We have a piper down, I repeat, a piper is DOWN!

Stuart Mackenzie:
HEAD! PANTS! NOW!

Charlie Mackenzie:
I'm smitten. I'm in deep smit.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Woman! Woah-man! Wooaahhhhh-man! We had love, not just sex. Is she Mrs. X? I had to run for my life...

Charlie Mackenzie:
Come, let us dance like children of the night!

John Johnson:
Now this is something the other tour guides won't tell you. In this particular cell-block, Machine Gun Kelly had what we call in the prison system, a "b*tch". And one night in a jealous rage Kelly took a make-shift knife or "shiv", and cut out the b*tch's eyes. And as if this wasn't enough retribution for Kelly, the next day he and four other inmates took turns pissing into the b*tch's ocular cavities. (short pause) This way to the cafeteria!

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, I tend to follow the Judao-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill". But, that's just me.

Rose Michaels:
Let me make you some breakfast.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Oh, gee, you know, I'd love to. But you know, I'm really running late, but thanks!

Rose Michaels:
What would you say to silver-dollar pancakes, fresh-squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?

Charlie Mackenzie:
Well, that sounds great!

Rose Michaels:
Sorry. I didn't have those other things.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no, that's fine. That other stuff will probably kill you... whereas "Froot Loops" are light, and reasonably high in fiber. I care for "Apple Jacks" a great deal.

Tony Giardino:
Hey listen. How long is it gonna take us to get there?

Pilot:
Shouldn't take very long.

Pilot:
Actually I have no concept of time.

Tony Giardino:
Geez, is this dangerous?

Pilot:
No. Well, you know there's a chance in everything.

Tony Giardino:
Look I don't wanna get too personal or anything but you've done this before, right?

Pilot:
Oh yeah, yeah. I do this all the time.

Pilot:
I've never done it at night.

Tony Giardino:
How do you even know where we're going?

Pilot:
Instruments, instruments!

Tony Giardino:
Oh yeah? Well what's that then?

Pilot:
That's the artificial horizon. It's better than the actual horizon.

Stuart Mackenzie:
Well, it's a well known fact, Sonny Jim, that there's a secret society of the five wealthiest people in the world, known as the Pentavirate, who run everything in the world, including the newspapers, and meet tri-annually at a secret country mansion in Colorado, known as The Meadows.

Tony Giardino:
So who's in this Pentavirate?

Stuart Mackenzie:
The Queen, the Vatican, the Gettys, the Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders before he went tets-up. Oh, I hated the Colonel with is wee beady eyes! And that smug look on his face, "Oh, you're gonna buy my chicken! Ohhhhh!"

Charlie Mackenzie:
Dad, how can you hate the Colonel?

Stuart Mackenzie:
Because he puts an addictive chemical in his chicken that makes ya crave it fortnightly, smartarse!

Charlie Mackenzie:
Interesting.... Coo-coo.

May Mackenzie:
Charlie, hand me the paper.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Mom, I find it interesting that you call The Weekly World News "the paper." A paper contains facts.

May Mackenzie:
This newspaper contains facts. Look at this. "Pregnant man gives birth." That's a fact!

Tony Giardino:
Every time you meet a nice girl you can get close to, you always break up with them for paranoid reasons.

Charlie Mackenzie:
That's not true. I broke up with those girls for very good reasons.

Tony Giardino:
Oh really?

Charlie Mackenzie:
Yes.

Tony Giardino:
Oh really? What about Jill?

Charlie Mackenzie:
She was in the mafia.

Tony Giardino:
What about Pam?

Charlie Mackenzie:
She smelled like soup.

Rose Michaels:
Let me make you some breakfast.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Oh gee, you know, I-I'd love to but, you know, I'm really running late.

Rose Michaels:
What would you say to silver dollar pancakes, fresh squeezed orange juice, bacon, and Kona coffee?

Charlie Mackenzie:
Well, that sounds great.

[scene changes to her pouring Charlie a bowl of Fruit Loops]

Rose Michaels:
Sorry, I didn't have those other things.

Rose Michaels:
You know Harriet.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Well, actually I don't.

Rose Michaels:
But you did have sex with her.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Hello!

John Johnson:
Hello everyone, I am a park ranger and I will be leading you on the tour. All of the park rangers were, at one time, guards, myself included. My name is John Johnson but everyone here calls me "Vicky".

Tony Giardino:
I love Vicky.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Yeah, Vicky's the best.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Hi, can we get our check please? Thanks.

[the check comes]

Charlie Mackenzie:
I'll get that.

Tony Giardino:
No i got it.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no, no, no.

Tony Giardino:
No, no, no. Let me.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Tony Giardino:
Charlie, please.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Tony Giardino:
Let me pick this up, please.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no, no, no, no, no.

Tony Giardino:
I insist.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no, no, no, no, no. No to infinity. Negatory. Negatory, good buddy. Ne-ga-to-ry!

Harriet Michaels:
I'll pick up the check.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Okay.

Charlie Mackenzie:
I think I'm dating Mrs. X

Tony Giardino:
Charlie. Two words: Therapy.

Stuart Mackenzie:
So, Charlie tells me you're a butcher.

Harriet Michaels:
Yes, I am a butcher.

Stuart Mackenzie:
Do you link your own sausage?

May Mackenzie:
Harriet, why don't you come with me. I have wonderful photographs when he was a wee baby.

Stuart Mackenzie:
And show her the picture of Charlie when he sh*t his pants at Niagara Falls.

Harriet Michaels:
Charlie, have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff or a subway platform with someone and you thought just for a split second "What if I pushed him?"

Charlie Mackenzie:
Well, not really. Usually I follow the Judeo-Christian ethic of "Thou shalt not kill" but that's just me.

Frank/Obituary writer:
Here's another one here, Native San Franciscan, plumber, Elliot, Ralph. Moved to Dallas, disappeared four months ago. Body was found in a sewer.

Newspaper reporter:
Well, guy takes his job too seriously, life goes down the drain. Haha.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Did they mention anything about his wife?

Newspaper reporter:
Alright, okay. Look, I know that we're talking about real people so I'm sorry.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no. I'm serious, did they mention the wife?

Newspaper reporter:
No, look, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make a joke about other people's lives.

Charlie Mackenzie:
No, no. I'm really serious. Did they mention the wife? I just want to know about the wife.

Newspaper reporter:
Hey, hey! You win, you win, okay? I'm a bad person!

Frank/Obituary writer:
Hey, c'mon take it easy, will ya?

Newspaper reporter:
No, he's saying I'm a bad person and that I'm insensitive. He's saying I'm a sh*t.

Frank/Obituary writer:
He's not saying you're a sh*t!

Charlie Mackenzie:
Did they-did they mention the wife?!

Newspaper reporter:
No! No! They didn't mention the wife! Ya happy?! Yeah! Oh hoo, yes, yes. I'm insensitive! I'm a very insensitive man! Stop your job, look at the insensitive man! That's what they're paying you for!

Frank/Obituary writer:
[to Charlie] He was my ride home.

Charlie Mackenzie:
I don't want to lose you.

Harriet Michaels:
You didn't. You rejected me.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Okay, I'm un-rejecting you.

Harriet Michaels:
Ralph, this is Charlie.

Ralph:
It's really great to meet you.

Charlie Mackenzie:
Oh no, no. It's great to meet you. Yes, yes. I love you!

[hugs her tightly out of happiness, making his towel drop]

Charlie Mackenzie:
...I'm naked, aren't I?

"And Charlie while you're in there ....Light a match" !!

Stuart Mackenzie:
Give your mother a kiss, or I'll kick your teeth in.

Stuart Mackenzie:
Look at the size of that boy's head. I’m not kidding. It's like an orange on a toothpick.

Stuart Mackenzie:
No kidding. His head's like Sputnik. Spherical, but quite pointy in parts.

Stuart Mackenzie:
Ooh, that was off-sides, wasn't it? He'll be crying himself to sleep tonight, on his huge pillow!

Stuart Mackenzie:
We have a piper down. I repeat, a piper is down. 'S all right, he's just pissed.

Stuart Mackenzie:
May, turn off the Bay City Rollers! The soccer game is about to begin!

Stuart Mackenzie:
Heid! Paper! Now! Move that melon of yours and get the paper if you can, hauling that gargantuan cranium about!

Stuart Mackenzie:
May, shut it!

Stuart Mackenzie:
[singing "Do You Think I'm Sexy" with bagpipes] If you want my body, and you think I'm sexy, c'mon baby let me know! Haggis solo!

Charlie Mackenzie:
[is served a huge cup of coffee] Excuse me miss, there seems to be a mistake. I believe I ordered the large cappuccino. Hello?!

Charlie Mackenzie:
I believe most Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

Charlie Mackenzie:
[after being asked by Harriet what he looks for in a woman] Most people say a sense of humor, but I'm gonna have to go with breast size.

Charlie Mackenzie:
I care for Apple Jacks a great deal.

[Charlie walks into Harriet's funky, eclectic living space, ending up in front of a huge vintage Atlantic City poster behind him.]

Charlie:
Hey you know what this place needs? A really large, oversized poster of Atlantic City.

[Turns around.)

Whoa!