Secret Girlfriend

Sam:
[singing] I'm gonna bang your sister, I'm gonna bang your sister.

Sam:
Sorry Phil, but I'm lazer-focused. The only woman I bed tonight entered the world through your mother's vagina.

Mandy:
You tell me where he is or I'll break off that golf-pencil you call a dick and choke you with it!

Phil:
Well, look who wants to touch my dick.

Phil:
If a girl like that was throwing me those kind of looks, she'd already be in the backseat of my car, disappointed.

Phil:
We don't have to eat your leftovers tonight, we can have your entrees. Finally, some sloppy firsts!

Phil:
Dude, you should've known better than to hook Sammy up with such a hot chick. His hair-trigger junk can't take that kind of stimulus.

Phil:
Oh, look at me, I'm Mandy pretending not to be crazy anymore.

Mandy:
I deserved that, Phil. In fact I owe you an apology too.

Phil:
Wait... what?

Heather:
Hi, you must be Phil... my dad would hate you!

Phil:
My dad would try to bang you.

Sam:
It's not like you can enter poontang into Mapquest and it will tell you where to go.