Shameless

Frank Gallagher:
[shouting while walking around the Chicago waterfront and drinking a beer] I'M *ALIVE,* MOTHERF***ER!

Steve:
And what exactly does "hooked up" mean?

Kevin Ball:
Last time I checked, penis goes into vagina.

Carl Gallagher:
[to Sammi] You think you scare me? Bring it, b*tch!

Fiona Gallagher:
What if he shows remorse?

Carl Gallagher:
What's that?

Fiona Gallagher:
It means you say you're sorry!

Carl Gallagher:
[smirks] I'm not.

Mickey Milkovich:
Alright shithead, this is like the two hundredth time I'm calling and you not picking up! I'm starting to get f***ing homicidal. Call me the f*** back, Ian! I'm worried about you. I love you. Call me back.

[repeated line]

Fiona Gallagher:
SHUT *UP*, Frank!

Veronica Fisher:
[to Fiona] So is Lip getting serious about Mandy Skankovich?

Lip Gallagher:
Facts cannot be racist. Many Irish are drunks. Many French smell. Most Chinese hate children, that's why they sell them to Americans.

Sheila Jackson:
I will make this kitchen my b*tch.

Sheila Jackson:
They're having a party for kids across the street. No booze.

Frank Gallagher:
[smiles] What's the point?

Carl Gallagher:
[about constantly getting in trouble at school] A shrink at school says I'm one of God's mistakes.

Lip Gallagher:
I believe the answer to that question, like the answer to most questions, is f*** you!

Fiona Gallagher:
Did the two of us finish an entire gallon of box wine the other night?

Debbie Gallagher:
That's right. NO ONE F***S WITH A GALLAGHER!

Frank Gallagher:
[about his alcohol addiction] I can't handle anything up my ass without alcohol!

Kevin Ball:
[to Veronica] I thought that's what you ladies wanted. A shared housework, wage equality and all that Hunger Games, Lady Gaga girl power sh*t!

Veronica Fisher:
[while giving birth] OB? I need to make an appointment with a vet. I'm havin' a damn litter!

Fiona Gallagher:
[to Debbie] Nobody *f***s* with the Gallaghers!

Kevin Ball:
[to Veronica when she's about to give birth] Baby, you know what this means, right? I got a magic dick!

Frank Gallagher:
I'd be crying right now if I wasn't so high.

Lip Gallagher:
I'm not my dad. You hear me? I'm not my f***ing dad!

Fiona Gallagher:
It's about what I did. And you know what? I did a f***ing great job. Debbie is class president! She is on debate team, going to Nationals. Lip, he's top of his class. He set the curve! Ian was promoted in ROTC, and he tested out of english! And Carl made something blow up for his science fair! And you know what? They did it all, no thanks to you, because you weren't here!

Monica Gallagher:
And I appreciate that, Fiona, but I'm here now and Liam belong with me.

Fiona Gallagher:
He doesn't even know who you are!

Monica Gallagher:
I'm his mother!

Fiona Gallagher:
You were my mother too!

Debbie Gallagher:
Why are you all fressed up?

Fiona Gallagher:
I'm gonna go see the lawyer, try to get Carl home as soon as possible.

Frank Gallagher:
It's a tragedy when a young man ends up behind prison bars.

Fiona Gallagher:
Bad parenting.

Frank Gallagher:
Oh, don't blame yourself.

Fiona Gallagher:
You know, for a guy who just got engaged, you don't seem very happy to be getting married.

Kev:
It's 'cause I'm already married.

Steve:
Do you know why doctors, lawyers and nurses are great liars?

Debbie Gallagher:
No.

Steve:
Because they lie to help people. Like, a doctor wouldn't tell a sick patient, "Too bad, you're gonna die." He would say, "We're doing everything we can." Wouldn't he?

Debbie Gallagher:
Yeah?

Steve:
So, pretend you're being a doctor today and tell a doctor's kind of lie. Can you be a doctor for me?

Debbie Gallagher:
Can I be a nurse?

Steve:
That's my girl.

Monica Gallagher:
There's always gonna be people that are gonna try to fix us, and you can never make those people happy. Like, it breaks their heart just to look at you.

Ian Gallagher:
Yeah, even Mickey, now.

Monica Gallagher:
That's your boyfriend, right?

Ian Gallagher:
Yeah, you remember him?

Monica Gallagher:
I'm sure he means well, but you need to be with people who accept you for who you are, and they're out there. You should never apologize for being you. You, Ian. I love you.

Danforth:
[Danforth does not raise the amount of money he's willing to offer to Frank, even if Frank tries to sweet-talk him by saying that the crucifixion of Christ was not the fault of the Jews] My ancestors and I take full credit for crucifying that Christ putz.

Frank Gallagher:
[stops to yell as he exits the front door] Mel Gibson was right!

Sheila Jackson:
[Coming out of a depression-fueled daze] What time is it? Are you skipping school because of me?

Debbie Gallagher:
I didn't wanna go anyway. All anybody ever does is try to copy off me, but no-one wants to sit with me at lunch. Everybody's mean. Middleschool's stupid. Mean girls suck.

Sheila Jackson:
My daughter's a mean girl. I don't know how it happened.

Debbie Gallagher:
It's not your fault.

Sheila Jackson:
But I'm her mother.

Debbie Gallagher:
If how we turn out is all about how our mother is, then I'm pretty screwed. Right?

Fiona Gallagher:
It's not like that, he may need to be hospitalized.

Mickey Milkovich:
What do you mean, like a psych ward? No f***ing way. No f***ing way! He's staying here.

Fiona Gallagher:
He could end up suicidal!

Mickey Milkovich:
Then we hide the knives until he perks up! I can... I can take care of him, okay? Let me take care of him until he's better.

Fiona Gallagher:
It can be weeks! It's mood swings, okay, it's almost impossible to handle!

Mickey Milkovich:
Don't f***ing tell me what's impossible! We're taking care of him here, you and me, us. His f***ing family!

Fiona Gallagher:
It was me, Lip. Not Frank. Not Monica. Not nature. Not nurture. It was all me. I'm 23. It can't be about how much they screwed us up anymore.

Fiona Gallagher:
Don't do this. Please. Don't have a baby. It's a mistake.

Debbie Gallagher:
I know who I love and I know what I want, even if you don't.

Sheila Jackson:
So, I'm just curious about what happens at the Purity Ball tonight.

Eddie Jackson:
Well, it's a Christian event designed to strengthen the bond between fathers and daughters. We make a covenant... of purity, like an oath. And then we exchange promise rings and, uh we do some chastity prayers. It's fun.

Sheila Jackson:
Wow. Do they have these, um, balls for young men?

Eddie Jackson:
[perplexed] Why would they?

Hockey customer:
Think you would tap that ass?

Customer:
Sure, if I double bagged it.

Hockey customer:
Project girls. You know they are all whores.

Fiona Gallagher:
[Fiona rings Steve, as she walks through the snow]

Steve:
[Steve is driving his car through a car wash] Hello?

Fiona Gallagher:
If that wasn't bullshit, what was I wearing?

Steve:
Huh?

Fiona Gallagher:
First time you saw me, if that wasn't a lie.

Steve:
Black top with gold trim, black shiny jeans, thin shoes - no straps - sandals. With your hair pinned high. Dangly gold earrings that made me smile.

[flashbacks of Fiona dancing in a nightclub]

Steve:
. A big watch - too big - so it slid down your arm. It looked great. And you were dancing next to a red haired girl in a green dress.

Fiona Gallagher:
[Fiona sits down on a park bench] Yeah, yeah. Jenna. It was Jenna's birthday. So you were - you were watching her. She's a lot better looking than me.

Steve:
You think so? Really?

Fiona Gallagher:
Yeah, so how come you're not stalking Jenna?

Steve:
Because you - you think like that, and Jenna doesn't. Jenna dances for an audience. You dance like there's no-one else in the room... Your life's not simple, Fiona, and you can't stop it from showing, because you're no fake, you're not lost, you don't need finding. This whole city belongs to the Jenna's, but I'm sick of them. I swear, Fiona, you're nothing like anyone I've ever met. You make me want to enjoy my life again... Are you there? Fiona?

Fiona Gallagher:
[Fiona is silent, listening. Shot cuts to Justin driving his car across town and running for the subway, trying to find Fiona. He runs onto the platform just as the train is leaving. Once the train leaves, Justin sees Fiona on the other platform. They meet at the bottom of the stairs and find each other. They kiss]

Frank Gallagher:
I would be crying too, if I wasn't so high.

[Veronica almost falls off the balcony]

Veronica Fisher:
Oh sh*t. That would've sucked!

Fiona Gallagher:
Showing up at your wedding f***ing paralyzed and sh*t? Yeah!

Ian Gallagher:
They have Muslim Boy Scouts?

Ian Gallagher, Kash:
It's similar. The motto is still "Be prepared," but you learn how to work with chemicals instead of tying knots.