She-Wolf of London

Randi Wallace:
How much kinkier can you get than turning into a werewolf once a month?

[showing Randi his new kitchen]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
This is where I shall prepare our gourmet feasts.

Randi Wallace:
You mean where you unwrap them and stick them in the microwave?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
A good chef never reveals his secrets.

Alan Decker:
It's okay. I'm used to the callous attitude mortals have towards vampires. I'm used to wandering the earth - reviled, hunted, hated. That's why I became a lawyer.

[first lines]

[Caleb notices an adolescent boy ogling a shapely acrobat]

Caleb Wakefield:
So you like Selena?

Danny:
Yes, sir.

Caleb Wakefield:
You want her, don't you?

Danny:
N-no, sir... Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Caleb Wakefield:
And you'll give anything to have her.

Danny:
Oh, sure, anything.

Caleb Wakefield:
I thought so.

Danny:
So what do you want for her?

Caleb Wakefield:
Your soul.

Danny:
You can have anything you want for her. My spleen, my liver...

Caleb Wakefield:
Kidneys, duodenum...

Danny:
Stomach, lungs...

Caleb Wakefield:
Pancreas, appendix...

Danny:
Arms, legs!

Caleb Wakefield:
No, your soul will be sufficient.

[Ian and his family give up painting the house for a night on the town]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Damn everything but the circus.

[walking around the grounds of the run-down circus]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
We got two rides for the price of one. Soak it in!

Randi Wallace:
Soak it in? I already want to wash it off.

Mum Matheson:
Well, we are early. We've beaten the crowd.

Julian Matheson:
Beat 'em? I think we passed 'em going the other way.

[Randi realizes she did not turn into a werewolf when she spent a full moon night with Caleb]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
So, what are you going to do?

Randi Wallace:
I don't know. I may go run away with the circus. It was your dream once - now it's mine.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Because he has the cure?

Randi Wallace:
Because I have never been so attracted to anyone in my life!... And because it means I won't hurt anyone again.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I'm just concerned that if you leave with him, you'll be in danger.

Randi Wallace:
How much more danger could I be in?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Look, if you leave, I'll lose... my best student.

Randi Wallace:
You'll just have to grade me 'incomplete'.

Caleb Wakefield:
My master, I've got a present for you. The ultimate gift - not a petty pickpocket or a Peeping Tom... this is a beautiful woman with a soul. A soul you must possess. And she's desperate - quite desperate. Half woman - half beast! A she-wolf!

Randi Wallace:
Maybe you're right.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I am?

Randi Wallace:
Stop it. Look, for the past few hours I've been thinking. I mean, what do I really know about this guy? Where do his powers come from, and what does he want from me?

Danny:
You stole my soul and I want it back.

Caleb Wakefield:
I stole nothing! You made a bargain, a barter, a trade. We made a *deal*.

Caleb Wakefield:
The show will be a little different tonight. In fact, you are the show, Randi.

Randi Wallace:
Me? I don't do any tricks.

Caleb Wakefield:
Oh, you have one. The best I've seen for 90 years.

Randi Wallace:
[embarrassed] That's not something I perform in front of an audience.

Caleb Wakefield:
Oh, not that one.

Randi Wallace:
Which one?

Caleb Wakefield:
The other one. The werewolf transformation.

Randi Wallace:
I thought I was free of that.

Caleb Wakefield:
Oh, you are. But for everything there's a price. Whether it's your freedom from the curse or my immortality, there's always a price. And you pay with your soul.

Randi Wallace:
I was falling in love with you. You were going to help me.

Caleb Wakefield:
I am. I haven't lied to you. Don't all lovers give each other their souls?

Randi Wallace:
They give. They don't take.

Randi Wallace:
I'd stay a werewolf for the rest of my life before I'd stay another second with you.

Caleb Wakefield:
Don't say that. The Master!

Randi Wallace:
To hell with the Master... and to hell with you!

[first lines]

[John has turned into a zombie]

John Decarlo:
Hungry!

[a Hollywood producer wants to option Ian's manuscript for a movie]

Mum Matheson:
How thrilling!

Randi Wallace:
How weird.

Aunt Elsa:
How much?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
The money isn't important. Do you realize what this could do for my career?

Aunt Elsa:
Let's get back to the money.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
It could launch me out of academic obscurity and into the public eye. I wouldn't be just another mythology professor, I'd be a celebrity like Carl Sagan, Jonas Salk, Norman Cousins...!

Randi Wallace:
Daffy Duck.

[Ian has just killed a zombie]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
He's dead... again.

Charlie Bodine:
Waiter, check please.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
[to Randi] You sure know how to attract deadbeats.

Randi Wallace:
I value your friendship more than anything... even though you've got the coldest hands of anyone I know.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I'm not holding your hand.

Randi Wallace:
You're not?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
No.

Randi Wallace:
Well, then, whose hand am I holding?

[Randi looks down and sees a ghastly hand rising from a grave]

Samantha Stevens:
Soon I will have dominion over the whole world of the dead and be able to restore them to life to do my bidding.

Randi Wallace:
[to Ian] I don't think she was satisfied with being department head.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
You'll need the third bolt for that, but it's in the British Museum, heavily guarded.

Samantha Stevens:
Against the living.

[last lines]

Dad Matheson:
Why in the devil was she so concerned about the full moon?

[speaking at Ian's grave]

Randi Wallace:
It's been hard without you, Ian. I feel so... lost and alone. You see, I could face my curse before because I knew you were always going to be there, you know, when I changed and when I came back. I don't know if I can make it without you. I don't know if I want to. Well, goodbye, Ian.

Randi Wallace:
Who in the hell do you think you are?

Charlie Bodine:
My flight was fine, thank you, though the jet lag is killing me.

Randi Wallace:
Not before I do, it won't.

[Ian's corpse has risen from his grave]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Shh! It's me!

Randi Wallace:
But you're dead!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I'm not thrilled about it, either.

Randi Wallace:
I'll help you find a cure for this, I promise.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Sounds familiar.

Randi Wallace:
Now we have something in common.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I'm dead, you're a werewolf... what a delightful couple. Imagine our children.

Samantha Stevens:
So glad you decided to publish... and perish.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I always thought of hell as an eternal faculty meeting listening to your jokes. It seems I was right.

Samantha Stevens:
I have plans for you.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I'll die first!

Samantha Stevens:
You already have.

[Randi is leading a tour in the British Museum]

Charlie Bodine:
Randi, what are you doing here?

Randi Wallace:
I'm fascinated with Gilgamesh.

Charlie Bodine:
So, see the movie. It will be out next Christmas - you're going to love the car chase through the Vatican.

[Randi has been captured and tied to an altar]

Samantha Stevens:
I'm so glad you could make it. The ceremony requires a human sacrifice. We didn't have a chance to send out invitations.

Samantha Stevens:
Why despair? You are about to take part in a monumental event - my ascension to power and complete dominion over the dead!

Randi Wallace:
I'd rather watch.

[Ian has vanquished the zombies and rescued Randi]

Randi Wallace:
Ian, I don't know about you, but I am just dead.

Mum Matheson:
Do you think it's possible to come back from the dead?

Julian Matheson:
Donny Osmond did.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I knew that Dr. Stevens was after the lightning bolt, but I couldn't prove it so I faked my own death and dogged her every move.

Aunt Elsa:
Well, why didn't you go to the police?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
And say what? That the respected scholar who just fired me was plotting to steal the British Museum's most-prized antiquity?

Mum Matheson:
Yes! And the next time you're dead, you better be or I'll kill you myself!

Randi Wallace:
You leaving?

Charlie Bodine:
Yeah. I've been here a couple of weeks - in Hollywood time, that's a couple of centuries - so I want to get back before I'm ancient history.

[last lines]

[discussing Ian's new movie script]

Randi Wallace:
So, am I in it?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
In a big way, but you'll have to wait to see it on the silver screen.

[Randi grabs Ian's script and begins to read]

Randi Wallace:
"Randi enters the classroom in her typically clumsy manner."

Dr. Ian Matheson:
It's a rough draft.

Randi Wallace:
"She can't take her eyes off him as she settles in her desk. Her large full breasts..." Ugh.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Very rough.

Randi Wallace:
"... heaving with each wanton, lusty breath of unrequited desire."

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I said your part was a big one.

Randi Wallace:
Well, it's about to be cut.

[Randi tears the script to shreds]

[Ian has just recapped the previous week's episode, including his murder and Randi's abduction]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
[narrating] All in all, I've had better weeks.

[due to Randi's rampage as a werewolf, her plane has made an emergency landing]

Annie:
You're impeding the orderly deplaning of the passengers.

Charlie Bodine:
I'm looking for my girlfriend.

Annie:
Look for her *outside* the plane.

Charlie Bodine:
Don't mess with me, honey. I'm a Prestige Club Frequent Flyer, all right?

Annie:
And I'm a ticked-off black belt!

Randi Wallace:
You know, your book changed my life. I read the first chapter and I switched majors.

Aunt Elsa:
I hope it's got a couple of juicy murders in it. A bit of steamy sex wouldn't hurt, either.

[reading the title of Ian's manuscript]

Julian Matheson:
Let's see. "Fright and Fraud: Ethnobiocentric Morphogenesis of the Mephisto Fallacy." I doubt it.

[to Ian]

Julian Matheson:
Catchy title.

Dad Matheson:
I'm sure it's a cracking good read.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Academics don't want a cracking good read, Dad. They want dull, stuffy, pompous books.

Aunt Elsa:
And you're just the man to give it to them.

[discussing Ian's new book]

Randi Wallace:
Well, I think it sounds fascinating.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Well, I thank you all for your interest. Randi, you can have the privilege of being the first person to read it... and probably the last.

[reading the newspaper's account of a grisly murder]

Aunt Elsa:
"The booksellers watch horrified as the man, dressed as a sea captain, impaled the publisher with a harpoon."

Julian Matheson:
"Then the drooling psychopathic lunatic jumped out the window and plunged screaming to his death below."

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Oh my God.

Julian Matheson:
Lose your appetite?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Lost my publisher.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
He seemed so centered.

Miss Radisson:
Self-centered, you mean.

Miss Radisson:
I know I'll be a good editor. I thrive under pressure, I'm great with people and I'm steeped in the classics. I've read every word Jackie Collins has ever written.

Randi Wallace:
Oh.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
One of the greats.

Randi Wallace:
Try and understand her.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I understand her perfectly. She's an axe murderer.

Randi Wallace:
You're not being very constructive.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Shall I advise her on her backhand?

Randi Wallace:
Hahaha! I told you the delivery company would believe I was his wife. I told you they'd patch me on to him.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
What if he wasn't married? What if he wasn't in the mood?

Randi Wallace:
Come on. What man would deny the urgent plea of a hot-blooded female to meet at a classy hotel and make mad, passionate love?

[Ian stares at Randi aghast]

Randi Wallace:
Okay, maybe one.

Randi Wallace:
You never got to know the real me. Imagine - no more secret life. I won't be a savage beast! You won't have to hide me in the cellar, put me in chains, find me in the morning hungry, sweaty, naked...

Dr. Ian Matheson:
You share the taste of the common reader. Maybe you can help me.

Aunt Elsa:
I'll try.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
How would Stephen King say this? "As the interstitial matrices of good and evil tend towards the unity of the ur-Mephistopheles, they transcend the nature of the Faust legend."

Aunt Elsa:
Hmm. Let me think. How about, "Blood dripped from her naked body and spread across the throat; her once lovely features hideously deformed by the rictus of death."

Dr. Ian Matheson:
It's useless.

Diane:
A werewolf can only be killed by someone who loves them; loves them enough to feel their suffering.

[hands Ian a gun filled with silver bullets]

Diane:
Do what's right.

[during their rampage as werewolves, Randi escapes, but Derek is killed with a silver bullet]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
You jumped through a plate glass window. You're lucky to be alive.

Randi Wallace:
Am I?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Of course you are.

Randi Wallace:
And Derek - is he lucky, too? I guess he found his cure.

[last lines]

[looking at an illustrated article of Randi's escapades as a werewolf]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Have you ever read such garbage? Last week space aliens, this week werewolves - what will they think of next.

Randi Wallace:
Come on. Is this really what I look like?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
No, not at all. No, you look much different.

Randi Wallace:
Tell me.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Well, for starters, you have a little bit more cheek.

[Randi starts to redraw the newspaper's illustration of the werewolf]

Randi Wallace:
More cheek.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Your hair is longer.

Randi Wallace:
Longer.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Your claws are sharper.

Randi Wallace:
Sharp claws.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
And you have a much bigger bum.

[Ian sneaks out of the room]

Randi Wallace:
Right, bigger bum... Bigger *what*? Ian!

Ernest:
Look at me! What do you see?

Aunt Elsa:
A lunatic!

Ernest:
[to Randi] What do you see?

Randi Wallace:
A senior citizen...

Dr. Ian Matheson:
With no fashion sense?

Ernest:
That's my problem.

Mum Matheson:
Surely you can find a friend to shop with you.

Ernest:
You don't understand. I'm Ernest Wallingren and I'm only 27 years old!

[Ernest keels over from a heart attack]

[discussing a hotel clerk's reactions]

Randi Wallace:
Funny that he thought we were married.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Funnier than you know.

Randi Wallace:
I never really thought about it, but I shouldn't be surprised. After all, we've gone through a lot more together than most married couples.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
There's no disputing that, but...

Randi Wallace:
Then again, we're closer than most married couples. After all, how many wives let their husbands chain them up every month?

[watching a kinky sex scene on television]

Randi Wallace:
I knew there was more to English television than Masterpiece Theatre.

[pulling a book called "A Bachelor's Guide to London" from the hotel room's desk drawer]

Randi Wallace:
Now in a normal hotel room, this would be a Bible.

[Ian swings the whip he found in another drawer]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
In Ernest's hotel room, that probably *is* the Bible.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Oh, look, now we know what kind of man Ernest Wallingren is, can we please leave?

Randi Wallace:
Look, we know he's a smut hound, but the question is, is he a 30-year old smut hound or is he a 90-year-old smut hound?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
No. The question is, what business is it of ours?

[Randi has captured the succubus who attacked Ian]

Randi Wallace:
I want you to give my friend his youth back.

[Robin laughs derisively]

Randi Wallace:
His youth for your freedom - what's so funny about that?

Robin:
What did you have for lunch today?

Randi Wallace:
Steak and kidney pie. What does that have to do with anything?

Robin:
If a cow came up to you and asked for her organs back, wouldn't you laugh?

[Randi discovered that a mirror's reflection can slay a succubus]

Randi Wallace:
I guess there's more than one way to kill a succubus.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
A remarkable and timely discovery, but there must be easier ways to become teacher's pet.

Randi Wallace:
Wait, wait, wait wait wait. Ah-ha!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Ah-ha again. Now what? A pornographic gelatin mold? Ernest's whip collection? A life-size inflatable party girl?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
No, proof. Remember what he was wearing?

[Randi pulls a garish set of mismatched tweeds from Ernest's armoire]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
A good scientist excels at three things: research, research and research. Just do it until you prove it.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Mr. Stevens had to suture some bite marks. Don't worry, you'll play the piano again.

Randi Wallace:
Bites?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Yes, it seems you came cheek to jowl with... the Hound of the Baskervilles.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I still don't know how you know what happened to me but I'm sure you're not...

Randi Wallace:
What? A werewolf? God, if ever I wanted to believe you, it's now.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Then believe me, Randi, please. The trauma you suffered, of course, has obviously caused some sort of psychogenic reaction.

Randi Wallace:
What are you saying - that in my altered state, I destroyed an animal lab and then I decided to march into the library so I could shove splinters under my fingernails?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I think you should return to the States.

Randi Wallace:
No way. I am not taking home some English curse. I know what happened last night. It was real. It happened to me and it means that everything we know is wrong.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Randi, there are... no... werewolves.

Randi Wallace:
Prove it.

Randi Wallace:
Look, I know this logically can't all be true. I know it makes no sense but, please, you've got to help me find some sort of cure. You know you can't explain what happened last night, so let's solve this thing together!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
All right, Miss Wallace. I'll help you.

Randi Wallace:
Before the next full moon?

Mum Matheson:
Dad, what do you suppose those two are up to down in the basement? Such secrecy these days.

Julian Matheson:
I bet I know.

Dad Matheson:
You're too young to know.

Aunt Elsa:
I know.

Dad Matheson:
And you're too old... for anything.

[on the night of the full moon, Ian is locking and chaining Randi behind a steel door]

Randi Wallace:
Hurry, Ian!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Don't worry, we won't have to be doing this much longer. Inquiries to the ad are already coming in. If werewolves are real, then everything we know is wrong and we shall soon find the key to your problem.

Randi Wallace:
Great!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
If my students find out I'm now trying to prove the occult...

Randi Wallace:
They'll be proud of you!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Maybe we should hold a telethon.

Randi Wallace:
NOOOO!

[last lines]

Aunt Elsa:
All right, Ian, what's this research all about?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Love, Auntie. Pure animal magnetism.

[after the werewolf who bit Randi dies in a car crash, Randi and Ian return to find the gypsy encampment abandoned]

Randi Wallace:
I got a bad feelin' about this.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
That it isn't over?

Randi Wallace:
No, it's not.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
If I saw what I think I saw...

Randi Wallace:
You saw it. It's for real.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
And now you're free?

Randi Wallace:
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my curse.

[forced to share a bedroom, Ian separates his bed from Randi's with curtain as the hero did in "It Happened One Night"]

Randi:
Ian, are you feeling nervous?

Ian:
Yes... No! I mean, I am a little.

Randi:
I got nervous when we first met.

Ian:
Randi, look. I'm the teacher and you're the student. There are boundaries. This is the boundary.

Randi:
Are you nervous because of what I turn into?

Ian:
No, I was nervous before that.

Randi:
Well, good night, Ian.

Ian:
Good night, Miss Wallace.

[first lines]

Randi:
[narrating] Our ad's been in the paper for two weeks and I always thought the first response would come from a complete stranger or some lunatic, not from Ian's distant aunt.

Ian:
Don't be too disappointed if Gertie's discovery is a letdown. It's probably just a scarecrow that fell into the tar. Gertie's considered eccentric even by my family's standards.

Randi:
I just love getting out of the city, Ian. It's so quaint here... isolated.

Ian:
They do have electricity, you know. Last I heard they could even get the telly.

Randi:
Look, I know you think he's a little off, but I think we should talk to Angus.

Ian:
A little off? The man's a walking banana plantation!

Ian:
Constable Leary said there were bog marks all over the office after the break-in.

Randi:
It has to be him! Angus is right!

Ian:
We should get Constable Leary to go around...

Randi:
No, no, no, no! We stake him out.

Ian:
We stake him out?

Randi:
Yeah, we hide in the car and wait for him to make his next move.

Ian:
In the car? All night?

Randi:
Do you think you can handle it without "The Wall of Jericho"?

Ian:
We'll sleep in shifts.

Randi:
You're a fun date.

Ian:
It's *your* reputation.

Randi:
Too late.

Randi:
My god, Ian, your snoring could wake the dead. They have enough trouble staying put around here.

[last lines]

[to Randi's disgust,the police constable's incident report ignores the supernatural aspects of the murders]

Ian:
No. No, Randi, he is right... and tomorrow night is the full moon.

Randi:
Uh-oh.

Constable Leary:
Superstitious are we?

Ian:
Nooo.

[Ian and Kate have just killed the bogman... again]

Ian:
Let's get this old bastard back where he belongs.

Randi:
Isn't there some kind of bogman removal service or something?

Ian:
We're it, I'm afraid.

[first lines]

Griscombe:
We are gathered, my children, on this, our most hallowed night, and on this, our most hallowed ground. For centuries, before the holy brought their god here, our ancestors worshipped All Hallows Eve... and tonight we shall once again do the same.

[commenting on his elders' delight in tame forms of Halloween entertainment]

Julian Matheson:
How did you people ever get an empire?

Mum Matheson:
Now just a minute. There will be no fireworks in this house!

Julian Matheson:
I'll do them outside.

Mum Matheson:
No! Ivan was mad for fireworks. He almost lost his hands.

Dad Matheson:
Think of the money we could have saved on mittens.

[hands Randi a piece of a chair she destroyed the night before as a werewolf]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Don't forget to floss.

Liza Parfray:
You've got to help me. He's going to hurt me!

Randi Wallace:
Who?

Liza Parfray:
The devil clown!

Julian Matheson:
I think it's old Horace.

Liza Parfray:
It's him. He's waiting for me.

Julian Matheson:
What's going on here!

Randi Wallace:
Look, Julian, take Liza up to her father. I'll be right there.

Julian Matheson:
What are you going to do?

Randi Wallace:
I'm just going to sniff... I'm just going to look around.

Liza Parfray:
Please don't. He might hurt you!

Randi Wallace:
It's okay. It's okay. I can be pretty tough. And if he comes at me, I'll kick him in the bells.

[while investigating the church crypt, Randi is knocked unconscious by the Juggler]

Rev. Parfray:
Miss Wallace. Miss Wallace! Hello? How are you feeling?

Randi Wallace:
Like an idiot. I guess that will teach me to creep around in dark crypts.

[Randi forces the cursed ring on Griscombe's finger]

Randi Wallace:
With this ring I pronounce you... dead!

[last lines]

[Julian exaggerated his exploits battling The Juggler to his school chums]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Don't you think you're exaggerating just a bit?

Julian Matheson:
Just creating a little bit of my own mythology, Professor.

Griscombe:
What is the meaning of this? She was in no danger! This is a religious ceremony.

Rev. Parfray:
You're trespassing on church property. This is a court order, Mr. Griscombe. You and your friends will have to move on.

Griscombe:
This land was ours before there even was a church.

Rev. Parfray:
And Lucifer had a place in heaven! You have *both* been evicted!

Griscombe:
Your kind tried this before and the results were tragic. Know your history, because it's coming back to haunt you!

Julian Matheson:
[referring to Ian] Didn't he stay here last night?

Mum Matheson:
Yes, in the basement with Randi. They were experimentin'.

Aunt Elsa:
All night... Which part do you think they can't get right?

[Randi is suffering from the after effects of her werewolf transformation on Halloween]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
How's the hangover?

Randi Wallace:
Not as bad as the doozy I had last Halloween.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
You could have topped yourself this year - and easily walked off with best costume.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Ever hear of the myth of The Juggler?

Randi Wallace:
No.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
In French, 'jongleur' means bell ringer. He's a demon spirit that preys on children. The coven would conjure him up to kill the children of their enemies.

Randi Wallace:
Why the children?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
What is more beloved to someone than their child? If you really want to get at someone, you kill what is most dear to them.

[Randi explores an ugly scrapyard while Ian ponders a map]

Randi Wallace:
A relaxing weekend away, you said. In a charming pastoral setting, you said.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I knew I should have made a left when I made a right.

Randi Wallace:
You'll love the quaint cottages, you said.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Or was it a right at the left?

Randi Wallace:
Can't beat the clean country air, you said.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I knew it. We should have gone straight. Have no fear, we shall soon be at our destination.

[when Ian starts his car its engine breaks down in smoking ruin]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Well, what do you know? We're here.

Randi Wallace:
The last time I had a weekend as relaxing as this, I was bitten by a werewolf and left for dead.

Randi Wallace:
Ian. Ian. Ian, wake up!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I am awake. I expect the entire town is awake.

Randi Wallace:
If they're not, then they should be because I just saw a madman on a horse and he was dragging a headless corpse.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
That's nice.

Randi Wallace:
How can you sleep when there's a lunatic roaming the streets?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Because I didn't eat a herd of cattle for dinner.

Randi Wallace:
This was not a dream.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Not to mention a whole hog's worth of bacon and whatever kind of diseased animal they use to make *hot dogs*.

Randi Wallace:
I know what I saw.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I *know* what you ate.

Randi Wallace:
There's something strange going on in this town.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
So?

Randi Wallace:
So? Is that all you can say, "So?"

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Would you prefer, "So what?"

Dr. Ian Matheson:
We must leave. How about a rent-a-car?

Mechanic:
No.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
A horse and a carriage?

Mechanic:
No.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
A bus that comes through? A delivery truck? Anything?

Mechanic:
No.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Are you telling me there's no transportation in our out of here?

Mechanic:
Yes. You see, that's why people come to our lovely resort community - to escape the hustle and bustle of city life.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
And how do they escape from here?

Mechanic:
They don't.

[with their car broken down and the full moon approaching, Ian has forged makeshift shackles to restrain Randi]

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Comfy?

Randi Wallace:
If this is your idea of a weekend getaway, I can't imagine what you'd do with a full vacation.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Believe me, this is not what I had in mind. I was hoping for something more picturesque.

Randi Wallace:
Romantic.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Secluded.

Randi Wallace:
Just us.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Well, we're alone. I got that part right.

Betty Biddles:
Look, a hundred years ago, this whole area was farmland only nothing was growing. The townspeople were poor, hungry and ill, but he still had a rich harvest to hoe, a huge forest to hunt.

Harley Clayton:
He wouldn't share so much as an ear of corn. If he caught someone on his land, the son-of-a-b*tch would hunt him down, kill him.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
That must have done wonders for the property prices in the area.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I don't understand this. Why don't we all just leave?

Betty Biddles:
When we killed the Huntsman, we understood why his crops were so bountiful.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
We? I thought all this happened a hundred years ago.

Betty Biddles:
It did. I'm a 134 years old.

[Ian and Randi prepare to return home]

Randi Wallace:
A relaxing weekend away, you said.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
The Huntsman came back from the grave simply to get his land back and when he did, and when the land was his again, he ceased to be.

Randi Wallace:
In a charming pastoral setting, you said.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Or did he? Is there a metaphysical force remaining even though his physical manifestation has vanished?

Randi Wallace:
Can't beat the clean country air, you said.

Harley Clayton:
If the Huntsman so much as thinks we tried to help him, we'll be dead, too!

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Dead as in inconvenienced, disappointed, ripped off, or dead as in...

Betty Biddles:
Dead! As in your head sliced off; your twitchin' corpse dragged through the streets on the Huntsman's robe.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Oh. That dead.

Harley Clayton, Betty Biddles:
That dead.

Mechanic:
A heard some strange 'owlin' like some sort of 'ideous, supernatural monster.

Betty Biddles:
Another hideous supernatural monster or just the one we're used to?

Betty Biddles:
The Huntman was a warlock. He enchanted his land. Everything on it prospered, includin' him. He hadn't aged a day. We built the docks on his land, so now we don't change, either, but if we leave, we'll age again like normal people.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
And for that, you're willing to live in this wasteland and let him pick you off one by one?

[Ian's dreams of teaching at Oxford are dashed when a spirit inhabits his mother's body]

Mason:
You know, dear lady, studying mythology is like studying literature - it's all fiction. The difference is mythology is a lot more fun.

Mum Matheson:
What's such damned fun about it?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
I'm tired. Are you tired? I think we're all tired. Bedtime!

Mum Matheson:
What if you were a ghost? What if you were pursued by an evil spirit that wanted to kill your soul? What if there was no way to escape? Would be so much damned fun, then?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Goodbye, Oxford.

Mum Matheson:
I'm not your mother.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
That is no big secret.

Mum Matheson:
It isn't?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
It was obvious to everyone you were not yourself tonight.

Mum Matheson:
Damned right! I'm a ghost. I'm Sarah Bloom.

Dr. Ian Matheson:
And I'm Sean Connery.

Mum Matheson:
And Randi Wallace is a werewolf! Yes! That pretty young thing is a bloodthirsty raging beast. Would your sweet little mother know that? Would she? Would she!

Randi Wallace:
Who would get the blame for that if we called the police?

Dr. Ian Matheson:
Surely we can explain.

Randi Wallace:
What? That it wasn't your father who killed him, but it was, but it wasn't because he was possessed by a ghost at the time?