So Weird

Bricriu:
The problem with you mortals is the limited lifespan. Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush... less than a century to get things done!

Bricriu:
Seems like I've caused the very thing I came here to prevent... life's just a series of merry little mix-ups!

Clu Bell:
Yeah, Dad. You gotta meet us on our level.

Ned Bell:
I've been on your level. Being a teenager sucked.

[Carey to Ned]

Carey:
Who was that?

Ned Bell:
That was Tad Raxall, the world's *largest* computer genius.

Carey:
Really? That wouldn't have been my first guess.

Annie:
Wait, Jack, don't!

Jack:
Don't do what, goofball?

Annie:
[innocently] Nothing.

[soda sprays everywhere when Jack opens it]

Annie:
[turns around] Yup, that one never gets old.

Jack:
Hey, Carey, you got change for a dollar?

Carey:
Sure. [hands Jack 80 cents]

Jack:
You only gave me 80 cents!

Carey:
Transaction fees, man.

Jack:
Whatever. [walks away]

Nurse:
Okay, young man, what seems to be the problem?

Carey:
Overprotective parents.

Nurse:
There's no cure for that.

Carey:
Tell me about it.

Fi:
You can't be afraid to think outside the box.

Maggie:
Show him what a real witch can do.

[a monster is chasing them]

Jack:
What *is* that thing?

Clu Bell:
Hey, Why don't we ask it what it is *after* it rips our heads off, what do you say?

Molly Phillips:
We can't just walk up to a stranger's house, and say, "Are you okay?"

Fi:
Can if you're with me.

Jack:
[Looks quickly to left upon hearing a loud creaking sound] Rats!

Clu Bell:
[Looks up quickly ] Ghosts!

Fi:
[Looks down quickly] Floorboards!

Jack:
What are you doing?

Clu Bell:
I'm making a burrito!

Jack:
But... we don't have a microwave.

Clu Bell:
I like 'em frozen... it's like, a burritocicle.

Jack:
This is stupid... There's nothing up here but broken glass and rusty pipes and - [screams] What was that?

Clu Bell:
Rats, I bet. City's full of 'em. Don't worry, they're more afraid of us than we are of them... probably...

Jack:
[raises hand] Check please!

Fi:
We're not leaving here 'till we find out why this 85 year old kid is picking on me!

Jack:
[Angrily] People die and that's it. When you, you're history. You never come back. You're gone forever!

Fi:
[With conviction in her voice] I'll *never* believe that.

Fiona 'Fi' Phillips:
I have good intentions...

Clu Bell:
So did the people who invented the Macarena.

Fiona 'Fi' Phillips:
Hey, I'm not THAT evil!

Rebecca:
[after yelling in a another language] That was Etruscan. My mom had a friend in that village when she was a little girl... That girl's bones are dust now!

Fiona 'Fi' Phillips:
[narrating] Ever since there's been life, the question has been, "How can we avoid death?" From the physicians of ancient Greece to the Native American shamans. From the medieval barbers to the giant medical establishments of today. As long as man has lived, man has wanted to live longer. But nobody's ever stopped to ask the question, "If we could live forever, would we want to?"

Fiona 'Fi' Phillips:
Let's face it, vampires are kinda cool. They stay young forever, they get to stay out all night and they dress like rock stars. Well, they didn't start out that way. The original vampire was supposedly a guy named Vlad Sepesh, also known as Vlad the Impaler, which gives you an idea of his hobbies. Now, Vlad was born in Transylvania back in 1431, and he really was known as Dracula, just like in the movies. He even wore a cape. But for all of his bad habits, Vlad didn't drink blood, have fangs or sleep in a coffin. So, where'd these stories about bloodsuckers get started? Theories range from a Hungarian rabies epidemic in the 18th century to a disease called porphyria that gives its victims vampire-like symptoms. It's gotta be something like that. I mean, if vampires were real, we would've noticed them by now. Wouldn't we?

Pete:
Stay back.

Fiona 'Fi' Phillips:
Don't worry. I won't bite.

Pete:
Yeah, well, I wish I could say the same.

Clu Bell:
Look! Look over there by the tree!

Fi:
There are a thousand trees around here. Which one?

Jack:
And just about anybody can be elected president these days.

[Jack has been possessed by a Will o' the Wisp]

Bricriu:
The problem with you mortals in the limited lifespan. Rush, rush, rush, rush, rush. Less than a century to get things done. No time for laughter. Ha! No time to sit back and enjoy life. I weep for ye, I do.

Fi:
Give me my brother back, please.

Bricriu:
Oh, dear girl, all you need do to be rid of me is to say in a loud, clear voice "Be gone from this mortal form."

Fi:
Be gone from this mortal form.

Bricriu:
Hmm... try it louder.

Fi:
[shouting] Be gone from this mortal form!

Bricriu:
Come now, girl, give it some oomph!

Fi:
[shouting] Be gone from this mortal form!

Bricriu:
[laughs] I'm sorry, I forgot one small detail. It doesn't work unless you invoke my one true name.

Fi:
What is it?

Bricriu:
Ah, therein you see lies the sweet spunkie's game. I'll give you a go at guessing my name. Though measured in seven, no more and no less, choose well, me lass, for you've only one guess. You have until I've finished absorbing Jack's memory.

Fi:
How am I supposed to guess your name? It could be anything.

Bricriu:
A hint: it's not Rumpelstiltskin.

Bricriu:
So, what's on your mind, "sis"?

Fi:
I want to make another deal.

Bricriu:
Oh, please...

Fi:
No, I'm serious. I've been checking up on fairy tales. In "Rumpelstiltskin", the girl gets unlimited guesses. I want the same courtesy.

Bricriu:
Unlimited guesses... and in return, I would get - ?

Fi:
You understand Jack now. But you don't understand the mortal world. If I lose, I'll be your guide. You'll be president; heck, I'll be your Secretary of State.

Bricriu:
Hmm, you wicked, wicked girl. I misread you, little duck. Well, I do want to get back, so I'll give you all the guesses you can make in an hour.

Fi:
An hour?

Bricriu:
Best I can do.

[Fi sets up her laptop where a screen with seven letters is waiting]

Bricriu:
What is that?

Fi:
It's a program Jack made so he'd never lose at Hangman.

Bricriu:
What's it doing?

Fi:
It's cycling through every one of the eight billion seven-letter combinations. Those will be my guesses and, by the way, I won't need the whole hour.

Bricriu:
[nervous] This is cheating! You're not guessing out loud. You're using a *machine* to help you. I don't have to stand here and watch this. [he tries to walk away, but he cannot]

Fi:
By the rules of Celtic magic, you do! You are obligated to stand here and wait 'til I'm done with my guesses.

Bricriu:
You don't know what you're dealing with, girl. You need me. You're puny brother can't protect you the way that I can.

Fi:
Yeah, protect me from what?

Bricriu:
Do you really think I chose your brother by accident? Out of all the bodies in the world? They know about you. They know what you're up to.

Fi:
They?

Bricriu:
Those in the spirit world. They've been watching you sniff around, following the lay lines like a little bloodhound. They want you stopped and believe me, I'm a saint compared with that lot. Talk about no sense of humor.