Space Dandy

Narrator:
[English opening credits narration] Space Dandy: he's a dandy guy in space. He combs the galaxy like his pompadour on the hunt for aliens. Planet after planet he searches, discovering bizarre new creatures both friendly and not. These are the spectacular adventures of Space Dandy and his brave space crew in space.

[Japanese opening song]

Chorus:
These days I don't know where I've come from / I've forgotten the ways of love, 'cause it's been a while / Everybody come on! / For us, life is a matter of five minutes' introspection / You're real pushy, but when your jewel is taken away, Your beauty is touched by sadness / Sometimes with a wild sha-lalu-la, we send tears flying / Looking at these shooting stars, it's simple: We're all human / Viva Tears! It's okay for them to flow, baby / They're not wasted / I can't stop, I love you like this/ With tears, tears, that's right! / Those tears, will you leave them to me? / When you fall, get right back up again! / Let's go together! Tell me "This is the best" again / Viva Tears! Tears, so long!

[Japanese closing song]

Chorus:
Hey Everett, what am I like in your world? / Let me take a peek / Hey Everett, according to you, there are lots of different worlds / I'm not sure I understand / Nya nya nya nya nya, Hi Dandy / Nya nya nya nya nya, Hello / Nya nya nya nya nya, How are you doing? Nya nya nya nya nya... / Hey Ph.D., the alternate worlds will always be parallel / It's enough to blow my mind / Aaah, once it cools it hardens / When heated, it melts, / This world is so full of rules, it's gonna fall apart / One dimension, two dimensions, three dimensions / A supernova falling west to east / Easy Game, Easy Game, Too Easy Game, / Going is fine, but what about coming home? / Aaah, the dream of a never-ending dream / A melty, milky kiss, / How far will this world expand?

Dandy:
I just realized something... honestly, it kinda doesn't matter where I go... whether I'm alive or dead... I'm still pretty dandy!

Catherine:
Have you figured out the secret of warping?

Dandy:
Yeah. Warping doesn't exist.

Catherine:
That's right.

Dandy:
We just travel through the space between other universes, and call it a warp. Suppose on some world in a universe and on some world in this universe, there were stuffed animals lying around. At some moment, the stuffed animal here senses, "This is me." And the next moment, the stuffed animal there senses, "This is me." That's all it is.

Catherine:
However, you can't sense the switching between universes.

Dandy:
That's for sure. But it's different with you.

Catherine:
Yes. To me, the Dandy here before warping and the Dandy here after warping are two different people. Which means you are not the same Dandy that I loved.

Dandy:
That's true... even though you're still the same person that I fell in love with.

Catherine:
[cries] Thanks for knowing, and still sticking with me.

Dandy:
What about Paul?

Catherine:
He's all right, he's still alive.

Dandy:
That's not what I meant.

Catherine:
[laughs] You mean, why did I choose him long ago?... You figured out the secret of warping all by yourself, didn't you? Paul couldn't make it on his own.

Dr. Gel:
I don't understand why you're getting yourself so worked up about this.

Bea:
Are you kidding me? I don't understand how you can be so calm about it.

Dr. Gel:
Don't you know that the happiest moments in a scientist's life is when they come face to face with the unknown? We spend our entire lives searching for it. Why worry about my fate and ruin such a joyous occasion?

QT:
The universe is brimming with waste. What is particularly wasteful are emotions, like love and affection.

[Dandy encounters an emo version of himself]

Dandy:
Imagine how much my life sucks: I'm stuck with a scary-looking guy I can't understand who carries around a helmet that I've never seen him wear, and a sickly old codger in a pink unitard who insists that he's actually a robot.

[Dandy encounters a version of himself and his crew from a DBZ universe]

Meow:
Oh no! Don't tell us you scoundrels have come here to steal our Miracle Heartful Balls!

Dandy:
Your WHAT?

QT:
I assure you, we have no intention of touching your balls.

Dandy:
Boobies, boobies, boobies... that's all guys think about these days. Well, they're idiots. Show me a boob man and I'll show you a no-brain, no-class knuckle-dragger who knows nothing of the fairer sex. I don't get it; you can't take the measure of a good woman just by ogling her chest. There are far more important things to consider, such as - aw, c'mon, are you even listening? I'm trying to drop some knowledge here, QT!

QT:
Hmmm, is it a beautiful heart?

Dandy:
Ugh, exactly the sort of canned answer I'd expect from a bucket of bolts. Have you still learned nothing after all this time?

QT:
I give! I give! Just tell me already!

Dandy:
See, if you're enlightened like I am, then you know the real show is down below: the booty, baby! That's where it's at! Nothing trumps the rump, my friend. Anyone who can't see that is either blind or a fool. That's why I say enough with this mass boob hysteria. It's time to set things right. It's time to give the ass the respect it deserves!

QT:
Um...

Dandy:
Too many women have been wronged for too long! Like poor Agnes Lum, objectified only for her b*obs! It's a crime, I tell ya!

QT:
I don't know who that is! Why are we even talking about this? Can't we let the narrator do the prologue first?

Narrator:
Such is the scene at Boobies, one of many chains of so-called "breastaurants" with locations all over known space. Breastaurants are where zero-G meets DD, staffed as they are by the top-heaviest girls of any species sporting b*obs. And since the roster of ladies is different at each location, Dandy's made it his mission in life to visit every single one. He dreams of buying out the chain someday and eating every meal there.

QT:
When it's about Boobies, the narrator suddenly cares.

[QT prints out a paper to show Dandy their whereabouts]

Dandy:
I CAN'T READ CIRCLE!

QT:
It says, "I don't know."

Dandy:
And you printed that?

[about their teleporter]

Meow:
You sure this thing works?

Dandy:
Of course! It's an older model, it just takes a few minutes to warm up!

Meow:
You know, it would be faster to just fly.

Narrator:
My word, you really are surprising, Dandy.

Dandy:
Huh?... Wait, I've heard your voice before.

Narrator:
Yes, I have been watching over you; at times as a narrator, and at times as a Chameleonian.

Dandy:
Huh?

Narrator:
I am one who is not subject to any physical restrictions, and am one who can traverse all of time and space.

Dandy:
Well, that would almost make you like God, wouldn't it?

Narrator:
Of course. If you wish to call me that, I won't object.

Narrator:
You should have forgotten your memories from parallel universes. I doubt you remember the you who was a surfer, the you who was a street racer or even the you who was a trucker.

Dandy:
I don't remember a thing...

Narrator:
You are someone who can conceivably be one and the same, while simultaneously existing in all other parallel universes. In other words, you are the one and only being who can freely pass between diferent dimensions.

Dandy:
What is it you want me to do?

Narrator:
This universe over which I have reigned for roughly 14.8 billion years is now collapsing. And all universes, including the parallel ones, are now coming to an end.

Dandy:
Yeah?

Narrator:
It's more than "yeah", this is because of you Dandy!

Dandy:
For real?

Narrator:
And after it disappears into a singularity, the world will be reborn. And so I need a successor. Dandy, you are the only one worthy enough to take on the role of God. [a door appears and opens to reveal a throne]

Narrator:
What's the matter?

Dandy:
So, this God thing... it means not having a body, right?

Narrator:
Of course. God transcends all matter.

Dandy:
Then... going to Boobies won't be any fun, baby!

Narrator:
Huh?

Dandy:
The idea is absurd! I'm out! I'm out! I'm out as God! [kicks the throne away, and pulls out his talisman]

Narrator:
[shocked] You don't mean... you're turning down an offer to be God?

Dandy:
[uses his power] Later! I'll see you some other time!

Narrator:
Wait! Wait a minute! That means the world will no longer have a God...

Dandy:
B-Bye, Baby! [big bang]

Dandy:
Hey. Well hello there, beautiful! What a delicious surprise! This must be my lucky day! So, lovely, what is your name?

Scarlet:
What?

Dandy:
Yes, I'm speechless, too! Destiny's in the air! I can practically hear Beethoven's Sixth playing just for us!

Scarlet:
"Destiny" was the Fifth Symphony.

Dandy:
You are a shy one, aren't you? That's okay, baby.

Scarlet:
Spit it out. What are you trying to say?

Dandy:
Direct! I like that in a woman! I do have something very important to ask you, babe.

Scarlet:
Uh...

Dandy:
Can you spot me some cash?

Dandy:
The universe has a buttload of centers. And I think they all deserve to be voted queen!

Meow:
Hey, what's the deal with those surfboards? They look legit but I've never seen you bust one out.

QT:
Maybe he's what they call a "shubee" in surfing lingo.

Meow:
You mean those poseurs who only buy boards because they want to look cool? [Meow and QT laugh]

Dandy:
The hell I do! I'm a kahuna! And kahunas don't waste their precious time on ankle-biters! I wait for the mondo waves, the out-of-this-world swells that touch the sky! That's what my heart longs for! That thrill is all that comes close to recapturing the magic of that one perfect endless summer!

QT:
Ooh, that sounds like a story.

Meow:
Did some hotdogger bogart your betty?

Dandy:
Nah, nothing like that.

QT:
Huh?

Meow:
So that perfect endless summer was...

Dandy:
I pulled it out of my butt.

Meow:
Should've known.

QT:
That *is* par for the course.

Narrator:
[about Dandy's crew] Whether or not they're caught in a loop, they're still pretty much caught in a loop.

[dance-off]

Ton Jravolta:
Spacey dance!

Dandy:
Dandy dance!

[everyone is blasted into sparks of light]

Ton Jravolta:
What just happened?

Dandy:
Search me.

Ton Jravolta:
What do we do now?

Dandy:
For the time being... let's dance!

Ton Jravolta:
Oh! Indeed, you are a spacey soul!

Dandy:
Yaeah!

[Japanese closing song]

Chorus:
We'll start with the basics, space iz da place / A cosmic-mannered Dandy face / So paint the scene with a tropical shine, a one-time twilight to blow the mind / Hot crush groovin', Touch future moving / What's the best amount of zest? / I don't care what anyone else says / Space Dandy, Space Dandy / But being called by gals has me spannin' the planet / Space check, check, check-check-check / I'll show you to the end of the ends / A wizard-level Dandy, you see / is master of the future shock / Fat bulging pockets / Twilight with all the latest money / Space life, body movin', help yourself to the vast universe / Do the Spaced-Out, Spaced-Out! Space Dandy, Space Dandy / Space life, we're all alike, in the name of the vast universe / Do the Spaced-Out, Spaced-Out! Space Dandy, Space Dandy!