The 5 Mrs. Buchanans

[On surrogate motherhood.]

Vivian:
Oh, look, I love Delilah. If she'd asked to borrow money, fine. Borrow my car? Sure. But I'm sorry, my uterus is off limits!

Mother Buchanan:
I hear that Delilah is unhappy... and an unhappy Delilah makes an unhappy Charles... and an unhappy Charles makes an unhappy Mother Buchanan.

Vivian:
And a happy Mother Buchanan would look like...?

Mother Buchanan:
You may never know, Vivian.

[Mother Buchanan enters with a large plush stuffed animal in each arm]

Alex:
Let's see. I recognize the bear and the monkey, but what's that scary creature in the middle?

Vivian:
Alex, did you buy one of those hideous trolls people put on their front lawn?

Alex:
Of course not!

Vivian:
Oh. In that case, I think Mother Buchanan's here for a visit.

Delilah:
Charles hasn't let me French kiss him in I-don't-know when. Last time I sucked one of the fillings clean out of his tooth. [Alex and Vivian stare at her.] I was very popular in high school.

Mother Buchanan:
Hello. May I come in?

Alex:
Wouldn't it be easier to just huff and puff and blow the house down?

[Looking through a photo album.]

Mother Buchanan:
That's one of me when I was young.

Bree:
Why is it so blurry?

Vivian:
They had just invented film.

Vivian:
[shouting off-stage] Lyndon! P.J.! Stop it! I'm warning you! If you misbehave in church, Jesus won't love you anymore! [to her sisters-in-law] Please don't tell anyone I said that.

Alex:
That woman would qualify for sainthood if weren't for one tiny little thing.

Bree:
What's that?

Alex:
She's a b*tch.

Mother Buchanan:
Oh my stars! Delilah, is that you?

Delilah:
Of course it's me...

Mother Buchanan:
Well, I scarcely recognized you under all that make-up!

Delilah:
She implied that I wear too much make-up.

Vivian:
Well actually, Delilah, three layers of base is probably sufficient.

Alex:
[to Mother Buchanan, emerging from the restroom] That was awfully quick.

Mother Buchanan:
I changed my mind. Obviously, you didn't get a chance to clean in there. I'll just wait 'til I get to a Texaco.

[Opening her shower gift]

Bree:
Oh my gosh! It's a microwave!

Mother Buchanan:
My friend, Beverly Davis - she got one just like it. Within a month, she was dead. Draw your own conclusion.

Alex:
[pulling Mother Buchanan aside] Now you listen to me, old woman, and you listen good: There is a real big chance that some time in the future, you are going to be sick, possibly very sick; and while you're lying in the hospital kept alive only by a machine, the doctor is going to come to my husband and say, "Her chances don't look good. Should I pull the plug or not?" Roy, of course, will be too grief-stricken to make that decision, so it will fall upon me to decide whether you live or die. How you act as Bree is opening Delilah's shower gift will greatly influence what I say to that doctor. Got it?

Mother Buchanan:
[nods; Bree opens the gift] Oh! A Mr. Waffle!

Bree:
You must be Alex. Jesse's told me all about you.

Alex:
Really?

Bree:
Absolutely. Shalom!

Bree:
And you must be Vivian!

Vivian:
C'est moi.

Bree:
[to her husband] You didn't tell me she was Mexican!

Vivian:
Well, let's get this fiesta over with.

Delilah:
I just wish I understood why Jesse was rushing into this marriage. There's no reason for it.

Vivian:
People, please. There is only one explanation.

Alex:
What's that?

[Vivian pantomimes being pregnant]

Delilah:
His fiancee is a mime?

Mother Emma Buchanan:
Well, I heard you were having a party and I wasn't invited, so naturally I just grabbed my purse and ran right over.

Vivian:
Alex, I want to thank you again for letting me bring the twins by here tonight... you ever need a favor, just ask.

Alex:
Actually, I do. Could you ask the twins not to play on my brand new patio furniture?

Vivian:
Of course. [turns off-screen, shouting] Lyndon! P.J.! If you won't stop jumping on that chaise longue, you're gonna break it! And you know you're Aunt Alex doesn't have a lot of nice things!

[turns back to Alex, smiles sweetly]

Vivian:
Oh my God, Alex. The twins have gotten hold of your cat.

Alex:
Why do they have her blindfolded?

Vivian:
They're playing "International Terrorist" again. It's a little game they made up. [turns off-screen, shouting] Lyndon! P.J.! What have I told you about taking animals hostage?! Let her go... What?... I don't care if your demands haven't been met yet, let the kitty go!

Female costumer:
Excuse me. Is this bracelet real jade?

Alex:
Ma'am, this is a thrift store. The tag on that bracelet says $1.50. It comes with a matching mood ring. What do you think?

Female costumer:
I don't know.

Alex:
Yes, it's real.

Jesse Buchanan:
[Introducing his fianc?] Isn't she great? I met her on vacation last month at Disneyland. She worked there.

Vivian:
Somehow I sensed that.

Bree:
Actually, I worked at Disneyland for over seven years.

Delilah:
No surprise there either.

[shouting out the door]

Vivian Buchanan:
Lyndon! P.J.! Stop it! I'm warning you! If you misbehave in church, Jesus won't love you anymore!

[to her sisters-in-law]

Vivian Buchanan:
Please don't tell anyone I said that.

[Looking through a photo album]

Mother Emma Buchanan:
That's one of me when I was young.

Bree Buchanan:
Why is it so blurry?

Vivian Buchanan:
They had just invented film.

[Introducing his fianc?, Bree]

Jesse Buchanan:
Isn't she great? I met her on vacation last month at Disneyland. She worked there.

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
Somehow I sensed that.

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
That woman would qualify for sainthood if weren't for one tiny little thing.

Bree Buchanan:
What's that?

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
She's a b*tch.

Mother Emma Buchanan:
Oh my stars! Delilah, is that you?

Delilah Buchanan:
Of course it's me...

Mother Emma Buchanan:
Well, I scarcely recognized you under all that make-up!

Delilah Buchanan:
She implied that I wear too much make-up.

Vivian Buchanan:
Well actually, Delilah, three layers of base is probably sufficient.

[Mother Buchanan emerges from the bathroom]

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
That was awfully quick.

Mother Emma Buchanan:
I changed my mind. Obviously, you didn't get a chance to clean in there. I'll just wait 'til I get to a Texaco.

[Opening her shower gift]

Bree Buchanan:
Oh my gosh! It's a microwave!

Mother Emma Buchanan:
My friend, Beverly Davis - she got one just like it. Within a month, she was dead. Draw your own conclusion.

Mother Buchanan:
I'll never forgive the two of you for flying Twix out here.

Alex:
Her name is Tink.

Mother Buchanan:
Tink, Twink, Toto, Tonto - what do I care?

Mother Buchanan:
I hate her.

Alex:
How can you hate her? You've known her for a few days.

Mother Buchanan:
I'm old. The quicker I hate, the more time I have for my hobbies.

Mother Buchanan:
The hot rumor around town is that Vivian finally has a job, I want to be the first to congratulate her!

Alex:
Oh, you're not here to congratulate her. In your entire life, you've done nothing but insult and ridicule her.

Mother Buchanan:
Okay, if you insist.

Mother Buchanan:
Oh saleslady, could you give me some assistance?

[annoyed with her mother-in-law]

Vivian:
How may I help you?

Mother Buchanan:
Well, I'd like something off that very tippy-top shelf.

Vivian:
Really? What thing?

Mother Buchanan:
Whatever's heaviest.

Bree Buchanan:
She's always saying the meanest things but in a way that almost makes them sound nice.

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
Bree, we understand, we have been dealing with that ever since we married her boys. Being passive-aggressive is Mother Buchanan's specialty. At Roy's and my nineteenth anniversary last year, she made a toast to "my son Roy and his lovely wife whose name escapes me at the moment."

Bree Buchanan:
Ever since we moved in with Mother Buchanan, Jesse hasn't been able to... you know.

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
Bree, I think I speak for all of us when I say I don't know.

Bree Buchanan:
Jesse hasn't been able to make love. There's something about being in the same house with his mother that makes him unable to... perform.

Delilah Buchanan:
Well sweetie, we've all been there.

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
This hasn't happened to any of us!

Delilah Buchanan:
Well, what am I supposed to say? "Sorry you're married to a freak?"

Bree Buchanan:
Up until my wedding night I was a virgin and I always wondered what all the fuss was about. But now that's I've had sex, I like it! I like it a lot.

Vivian Buchanan:
That's because you're a newlywed. Once you've been married a few years, sex will seem less like a tantalizing pleasure and much more like a chore. A chore you're forced to perform on birthdays, holidays and Superbowl Sunday. Don't ask.

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
Gee, isn't this your cue to say, "Curses, foiled again?"

Mother Emma Buchanan:
Dear, sweet Alexandria, so much wit. So little inheritance.

Mother Emma Buchanan:
I am only looking out for my son's happiness. Why does everyone treat me like some evil, manipulative witch?

Delilah Buchanan:
Well, partly it's cuz you're always interfering. And partly it's cuz you're always trying to control everybody.

Alexandria 'Alex' Buchanan:
But mostly it's those flying monkeys you keep in your garage.

Mother Emma Buchanan:
Bree, I came to apologize for my behavior when you said you and Jesse were moving out. I may have overreacted.

Bree Buchanan:
May have? You tried to kick me!

Mother Emma Buchanan:
For Heaven's sakes, Bree, I have the gout. It would have hurt me more than you!