The Amos 'n Andy Show

[repeated line]

Andrew Hogg Brown:
Holy Mackarel, Kingfish!

Algonquin J. Calhoun:
[Kingfish is trying to get Calhoun to help him dupe Andy] What? Do you think I is low down enough to deceive Brother Andy? [begins hitting fist on desk] Do you think I is crooked enough! Do you think I is spineless enough! [Kingfish puts $20 on the desk] Uh, well, just call me Jellyfish [pockets the $20]

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[accepting an award from his lodge brothers] Thank you, brothers; and, in the words of that great American poet Ralph Walnut Emerson, you all has my infernal gratitude.

[Kingfish is on trial]

District Attorney:
Would you mind telling the court under just what circumstances you met the defendant?

Andrew Hogg Brown:
Well, about eighteen years ago at a carnival, I reached into my pocket to get my wallet and shook hands with Mr. Stevens.

[Calhoun is delivering his closing argument in Kingfish's trial]

Algonquin J. Calhoun:
Your honor, you have heard the prosecution tell you that my client is dishonest. Your honor, it's easy for him to say that because my client is a crook! [Kingfish puts his head in his hands]

[Kingfish had told Andy he can teach him to fly a plane]

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
You see, Andy; the first thing you need to fly is excellent eyesight. Now, how much is 10 plus 10? [writes problem on the board]

Andrew Hogg Brown:
20.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Ok; now, what is ten times 2?

Andrew Hogg Brown:
20.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Oh, you see Andy; you has twenty-twenty vision.

Sapphire's Mama:
George, why do you need a clock? You ain't got nowhere to go and there ain't nobody gonna care if you get there.

Algonquin J. Calhoun:
There's only two reasons a man will do something - money and glory.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Hmmmm... Glory.

Algonquin J. Calhoun:
Yeah. Why did George Washington cross the Delaware? Glory! Why did Napoleon go to Waterloo? Glory! And why did I, when I was 12 years old, ride the rapids of the Hudson River on a log when I coulda' been killed?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Glory?

Algonquin J. Calhoun:
Naw... just a fool kid!

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
I can't give you your money back. I'd be a violation of the building code.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Well, how will it do that?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
I sold you a stucco house, and under the law, you is the stuckee. Get out of here before I figure some another law you done broken.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
What's goin' on here?

Sapphire Stevens:
If it's anything to you, I'm cleaning the house. What do you think I'm doin' with this broom?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Well, from that outfit and the looks of you, I thought you were gonna ride the thing.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Hey, somethin' in the pocket here, Kingfish.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Yeah?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Hmm, look like a pawn ticket.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Yeah, I remember that ticket. I had a bad year in '32, and I had to pawn my bridge. I tell ya, Andy, it's an awful feelin' to pass by the pawnshop and see your own teeth grinnin' at ya from behind the counter there.

Sapphire Stevens:
George, is you sure you telling me the truth?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Why, of course, Honey. You don't think for the world that I'd go to a Lonely Hearts Club, would ya?

Sapphire Stevens:
[sounding unsure] Well.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Of course not, Dear. If I wanna be lonely, I don't hafta go to no club. I got you.

Amos Jones:
[narrating] With Mr. Smithers comin' up to call at 8, the Kingfish didn't want to take no chances with his mother-in-law.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
That's right, Madam Olga, I'm bringin' my mother-in-law into your beauty parlor here this afternoon for a complete overhaul job.

Madam Olga:
Well, you make it sound like a big project.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Well, Madam Olga, I'm gonna give ya the problem with my mother-in-law. Have you ever been down to the beach and seen a grapefruit washed up on the sand, one that's been in the water for three or four weeks and then washed up and left to dry in the sun for a few days?

Madam Olga:
Yes.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Well, if you can get her lookin' that good, I'll be satisfied.

Sapphire Stevens:
We're just goin' in the back room to look at television.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Yeah, can't miss Arthur Goofy.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[with Sapphire, peeking into the living room from the kitchen] Uh-oh. Your mama's sittin' right under that hundred-watt bulb. If he get a look at her face in that bright light, romance flies right out da window.

[first lines]

Amos Jones:
[narrating] This is Amos. To a lot of people, eight o'clock in the morning is time for gettin' up, gettin' dressed, and going. But to the Kingfish, eight A.M. is just a halfway mark in a good night's sleep. At least, that's the way it was 'til this morning.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
I'm goin' home and wait for the end.

Amos Jones:
Uh, wait a minute, Andy. I don't know what's wrong with you, but if you's as sick as you act, you oughta go see a doctor.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
I think it's too late, Amos. I feels like they're riggin' up my mortis already.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
[watching Kingfish sort through his mail] Uh, somethin' wrong, Kingfish?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
I don't know, son. I just got a quick flash there that there's somethin' on this letter that gonna send a cold chill up my back. "United States Government". I wonder what they can be writin' me for?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Uh, maybe they sent you a refund on your income tax.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
I don't think so. Before they ree you somethin', you got to fund them somethin', in the first place. I ain't funded 'em nothin' for years.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
When you went to grade school, how far did you go?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Oh, about, uh, about three miles. Decided to cut through the cow pasture.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Look, Andy, I mean how long did you go to school.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Oh. Well, as I can remember, I spent two terms in the second grade.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Two terms, huh?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Yeah - uh, Wilson's and Coolidge's.

Calhoun:
You know, Kingfish, if Baker University ever give a course in sneakiness, - you'd graduate magnum-come-loudmouth.

[opening narration]

Amos Jones:
Hello, folks. This is Amos. Well, that gal you see there throwin' things in the suitcase is the Kingfish's wife, Sapphire. Yas'sir, she's walked out on the old Kingfish on a lot of different occasions. For instance, there was the time last September when he came home at two o'clock in the morning.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Ain't this Mama of Sapphire's a little on the mean side?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[exclaiming] A little? Andy, you take the venom of a cobra, the disposition of an alligator, and the nastiness of a rhinoceros! Put 'em all together - they spell "Mother"!

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
[trying to get to the bottom of Kingfish's latest scheme] Calhoun, are you gonna tell me the truth about this, or ain't you?

Calhoun:
Andy, how you go ask? This ain't none of my business! A deal like this is strictly a matter between the gypee and the gypor!

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[speaking to his jealous wife, Sapphire] You know I wouldn't look at another woman. Don't forget, Honey, I've been married to you for 22 years, and you done soured me on the whole female sex.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
He's leavin' on the five-fifteen, and if I don't think of somethin' fast, he gonna cut me out of his will, for sure!

Algonquin J. Calhoun:
Now calm down, Kingfish, calm down. Remember - no matter how messy a mess you is messed up in, there's always a way to un-mess yourself.

[opening narration]

Amos Jones:
This is Amos. Well, right now, me and Andy is in the taxi cab goin' down Amsterdam Avenue headed for the lodge hall. We just got a call from the Kingfish sayin' to rush over there as fast as we could. It was a matter of life and death.

[first lines]

Sapphire:
[alone in the bedroom, browsing through an old photograph album, with a happy smile and sigh] Twenty-five years.

Sapphire Stevens:
[hoping to adopt] This baby I saw - he is heavenly.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Look, Sapphire, I got my hands full with you and Mama, and I ain't interested in openin' up a new front.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[looking inside a wallet that he has found on the sidewalk] Hmmm, empty. Must belong to a married man.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[explaining what a ballet is to Andy] It's somethin' like the opera with the yellin' and the screachin' taken out of it.

Arbadella Jones:
Daddy, will you get some Christmas music on the radio?

Amos Jones:
Why, darlin', this is the very best Christmas music you could get! They're going to sing, "The Lord's Prayer".

Arbadella Jones:
But what does "The Lord's Prayer" mean, Daddy?

Amos Jones:
Well, you just be real quiet and I'll explain it to you. The first line of "The Lord's Prayer" is this: "Our Father who art in heaven..." That means, 'Father of all that is good, where no wrong can dwell...'

Amos Jones:
"For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen." Now that means, darlin', that all the world and everything in it belongs to God's kingdom. Everything - your mommy, your daddy, your little brother, your sister, your grandma, you and everybody. And as we know that and act as if we know it - that, my darling daughter, is the real spirit of Christmas.

[first lines]

Amos:
Hello, folks. I'm Amos. It's funny how big arguments start over little things. Take my friend, the Kingfish, and his wife, Sapphire. Now, the other morning at breakfast, Sapphire didn't know it, but the first act of aggression was when she put the eggs in front of George.

Marilyn Jackson:
[seeking comfort and advice from Sapphire regarding her love life] Oh, Mrs. Stevens, I'm sorry. I guess I shouldn't expect you to understand about love - you're married.

Amos Jones:
[learning that Sapphire may be having an affair] I can't believe she'd do a thing like this, but I guess Sapphire feels that by falling in love, again, she can recapture her youth.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
I don't know, Amos. It's gonna be pretty hard to capture anything that got away that long ago.

District Attorney:
Mr. Brown, you've testified to the sterling character of Mr. Stevens; you've testified that you've known him for a long long time. About how long would that be?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Oh, fifteen to twenty years.

District Attorney:
I see. Now, would you mind telling the court under just what circumstances you met the defendant?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Well, about eighteen years ago at a carnival, I reached into my pocket to get my wallet and shook hands with Mr. Stevens. [wild laughter from courtroom gallery] Oh-oh, it ain't like it sound, Mister. Duh, I found out later that collectin' wallets was just a hobby of his.

Judge:
This establishes and proves your innocence of the robbery charge, Mr. Stevens, but in this entire matter your actions were not those of a citizen who has respect for law and order. This gun should have been immediately turned over to the police department.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Yes sir.

Judge:
Do you realize that it is against the law in the State of New York to carry a gun?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Yes sir.

Judge:
Do you realize that it is against the law in the State of New York to pawn an article that doesn't belong to you?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Yes sir.

Judge:
I am going to dismiss this case, but tell me one thing, Stevens. If you should ever find a gun like this again, what would you do?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Pawn it in New Jersey!

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
On our honeymoon, Sapphire and I had our first argument. She laid me out cold with a vase.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Knocked you out on your honeymoon?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
I was unconscious three days. Andy, I hate to say this, but them were the three happiest days of my married life.

[opening narration]

Amos Jones:
[voice-over, as we watch two hoods blow open a safe at the Universal Investment Co] Hello, folks. This is Amos. You know it's strange that something that happened five years ago and three-thousand miles away from New York could ever affect the Kingfish and Andy, but believe it or not - it did.

[opening narration]

Amos Jones:
Well, folks, here comes Andy down the street, and he's wondering what the light is doin' on at the lodge hall at this time of night. Well, we'll soon find out.

Judge:
[Kingfish is on trial for robbery] Just what is your business, Mr. Stevens?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Well, uh, I is a, well, you might say I is a - financial ma-nip-i-lator.

Judge:
A financial manipulator?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
[Andy stands] Uh, excuse me, your Honor, but he's tellin' the truth. Uh, he's been nippin' my finances for years.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Kingfish, I don't know about this turkey deal. I don't know whether I understand it or not. Uh, you say we is equal partners in this, huh?

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Oooh - certainly, Andy. This a fifty-fifty proposition. Now into the corporation, I puts in my brain, my ingenuity, my integrity, and my vast experience in the business world. And all that, uh, you contributes to match this great gesture of mine is the measly sum of seventy-five dollars cash.

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
You know, Kingfish, you is one fella that can really make money sound like nothin'. I'm almost ashamed to have it.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Oh, don't apologize, Andy, don't apologize. Just hand it over.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[Kingfish had slipped an extra vote in the hat] Andy, you is now president of the company. Somethin' wrong, son?

Andrew 'Andy' Hogg Brown:
Kingfish, as close as I can figure, there ain't but two of us here, but there was three votes in that hat.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Well, Andy, uh, you've heard of a vote-by-proxy, hasn't you? Well, there was a proxy vote in there, and you just got peroxided into the job.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
[handing a pen to Andy] Just, uh, put your John Hamhock on dere.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Mama, where you been? We been waitin' for you for two hours.

Sapphire's Mama:
I went to the beauty parlor to get fixed up.

George 'Kingfish' Stevens:
Look, Mama, they can't do in two hours what you couldn't do all your life.

Algonquin J. Calhoun, "Not only do I deny the allegations, I deny the allegator."

Hoy polluted

Kingfish turns to Andy because they were waiting for someone to show up to a building for something and Kingfish turns to Andy and says he will go to the back of the building and they should meet at a certain time so he says to Andy, “OK, Andy we’ll meet here at 6:
00 o’clock. Ket’s Simonize our watches.”

Kingfish describing Sapphires mother (who is from Texas)

" If all the women in Texas look like Sapphires Momma,

The Lone Ranger gonna be alone for a long time".

Kingfish needs to get some quick cash again for a scheme he’s working on. He passes by a grocery store with a sign in the window that reads...”Delicious Krispy Jacks cereal. We guarantee you will like it or Double Your Money Back”! Kingfish goes up to a clerk in the store and says...”Gimme $50 of Krispy Jacks and I ain’t gonna like em’!! They throw him out!!

The Hospital:

Kingfish sets up a fake business selling hospital insurance. His first victim is the gullible Andy. Kingfish takes a fake x-ray of Andy and goes to the closet to “develop” an already existing old x-ray of himself to show Andy. Kingfish wants Andy to give him the money for a hospital insurance policy (which doesn’t exist) so he tells him his body looks like a 9 car wreck, and that he has gallstones.

Andy:
I always thought you’d know if you had them things.

Kingfish:
Do you eat many mashed potatoes?

Andy:
Yes I eats a lot of ‘em.

Kingfish:
That’s why you didn’t know you had gallstones…the mashed potatoes keeps ‘em from rattlin’ …

Andy goes outside and sees Amos. Andy says, “My gallstones done had a 9 car wreck with some mashed potatoes.”