The Bill Engvall Show

Lauren Pearson:
Why did you guys choose to have other children after me?

Susan Pearson:
Because we were young, and... stupid.

Bill Pearson:
That's how you got your name. Raffles. Only reason I bought that raffle ticket was for the Van Halen guitar. I was disappointed. Kind of hard to riff Stairway to Heaven on a pooch.

Bill Pearson:
[about his missing python] How come you're not out finding that viper of yours?

Bryan Pearson:
She's not a viper. She's a constrictor. Pythons rarely bite, they crush their prey. Normally nothing larger than a wombat, so you're safe dad.

Bill Pearson:
I don't care if it doesn't bite and it's on Jenny Craig. Find it.

Bryan Pearson:
Yes sir.

Susan Pearson:
[recounting the stressful day she's had] Well, first I get a call from Trent's teacher, letting us know he's got a five page report due tomorrow. Lauren rearended someone. No one was hurt, thank God. Raffles freaked out when Bryan's python got loose and I have to make five dozen cookies.

Bill Pearson:
There's a snake loose in this house?

Bill Pearson:
Nate! No marching with the Kleenex.

Edda:
Do you love me?

Bill Pearson:
You know I love you.

Edda:
Lone me $400.

Bill Pearson:
[to Susan] Oh alright, you wanna argue about this? Then let's argue naked.

Susan Pearson:
[Susan gives Bill a weird smile] What?

Susan Pearson:
Guys... keeping the world mellow.

Lauren Pearson:
Why did you guys... choose to have other children after me?

Susan Pearson:
Cause, we were young... and stupid.

Bill Pearson:
Bryan, if I run into that snake, he's gonna be wearing a shovel for a hat.

Lauren Pearson:
Oh my gosh! He must really like me to call so soon!

Trent Pearson:
Oh I can see my bone! On wait it's just my sock!

Bill Pearson:
[Pulls a pair of sexy panties out of the laundry] How come I've never seen you in these?

Susan Pearson:
Because they're your daughter's.

Bill Pearson:
Ohhhh!

Bill Pearson:
[Bill tried catching a potato but missed] That's my bad, receiver's gotta go up and get that.

Lauren Pearson:
Oh my God, are we this family now? All about the quarterback?

Susan Pearson:
Lauren, can't you be happy about your brother?

Trent Pearson:
No, no we can talk about something else, like how Lauren wants to get her bellybutton pierced.

Lauren Pearson:
How about if I pierce my tongue? then nobody'll know if I don't open my mouth?

Trent Pearson:
Oh I'm for that!

Bill Pearson:
What is all this orange stuff inside Trent's playbook? Ah! Chilli fry!

Bill Pearson:
OK, that was a really nice presentation Lauren but God gave you all the hols you're gonna ever need.

Susan Pearson:
What you're father is trying to say, is no piercings.

Lauren Pearson:
You guys are so... old!

Susan Pearson:
[holding a picture of Bill when he was around Lauren's age] So were you in some sort a Lynyrd Skynyrd cover band?

Bill Pearson:
[holding a picture of Susan at around the same age] Easy 'Oh Mickey you're so fine'!

Bill Pearson:
[after Lauren tricks them into thinking she got her naval pierced] You kids think you're funny, but you can't take back heart damage!

Lauren Pearson:
I didn't not do it because of what you guys said. I though about it and made an informed decision.

Susan Pearson:
Big needle get to you?

Lauren Pearson:
Not as much as the scary guy holding it.

Trent Pearson:
I respectfully request not to be subjected to this.

Susan Pearson:
Sit back down! I gave life to you, remember?

Trent Pearson:
As I recall, I was an easy delivery. Not like Watermelon McC-Section over here.

Bill Pearson:
[addressing Trent's oversleeping] Trent, you have got to figure out this sleeping problem, you can't keep going on like this.

Trent Pearson:
Look, I'm sorry. I really am, but I can't help it.

Bill Pearson:
Well, what do we have to do, yell into your ear with a megaphone?

Lauren Pearson:
Dump a bucket of water over your head?

Bryan Pearson:
Put a bunch of black widow spiders in your bed to fill you so full of poison your nervous system shuts down?

Bryan Pearson:
[notices the entire family is staring at him] What, I mean if the water thing doesn't work.

Trent Pearson:
Okay, what's going on? Why were you guys following me?

Susan Pearson:
We just wanted to see if you were going to that party.

Trent Pearson:
But I told you I wasn't.

Bill Pearson:
But you told all your friends you were.

Trent Pearson:
How do you know that?

Susan Pearson:
We checked out your Facebook page.

Trent Pearson:
Wait, you were on my Facebook page? You had no right to do that, the page is my private space.

Bill Pearson:
All right, Trent, wait. Wait.

Trent Pearson:
How did you even figure out my password?

Susan Pearson:
Honey, 1234?

Trent Pearson:
No it wasn't! It was One thousand, two hundred... oh.

Trent Pearson:
Just promise me you won't go on my Facebook page anymore.

Bill Pearson:
[Susan nods in agreement] Promise. But just to be safe, why don't you come up with a better password.

Trent Pearson:
Okay. [starts to go upstairs]

Susan Pearson:
Oh, and don't just make it 12345. [Trent nods]

Bill Pearson:
Or Trent.

Trent Pearson:
How do you guys do that? It's like you're in my head! [goes upstairs]

Susan Pearson:
It's gonna be Raffles.

Bill Pearson:
Thank God he's got my looks.

Lauren Pearson:
It's like dad says, Raffles will come out when he's hungry.

Bryan Pearson:
Sure. Just leave Raffles just like you left me at school. Leaver.

Lauren Pearson:
Ugh. Will you get over that?

Bryan Pearson:
Do you know who hangs out at the parking lot at that hour? Big scary sixth graders who just got out of detention!

Trent Pearson:
Yeah, I did time in sixth grade D. Those were the days.

Lauren Pearson:
Okay Brian, I'm sorry I was late.

Bryan Pearson:
Oh, were you late? I didn't notice. I was too busy hyperventilating into a paper bag.

Susan Pearson:
[trying to sneak into his Facebook profile] Shoot, he's got a password.

Bill Pearson:
Good, because this is a huge invasion of his privacy and I don't want to have anything to do with it.

Susan Pearson:
I'm in.

Bill Pearson:
Already?

Susan Pearson:
Yeah. It's Trent. His password is 1234

Bill Pearson:
That kid's head is just a bucket of hair.

Lauren Pearson:
[crawling under Faulkner's house to get Brian] Rainbows and butterflies. Rainbows and butterflies. Aaarghh, spiders approaching, spiders approaching, they're in my hair!

Bryan Pearson:
All right, about another foot there's this giant spider web.

Lauren Pearson:
AAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

Bryan Pearson:
That would be the one.

Lauren Pearson:
[still under the house after getting Brian unstuck] Let's get out of here.

Bryan Pearson:
It's ok, you don't have to hold my hand.

Lauren Pearson:
I'm not holding your hand.

Lauren Pearson:
[both quickly crawl out screaming, then Lauren sees Brian looking at his hands outside] What are you doing?

Bryan Pearson:
Making sure I have all my fingers.

Bill Pearson:
Did you see the shirt that guy was wearing? I didn't know you could wear pantyhose from the waist up.

Bryan Pearson:
Doesn't matter what he looks like. Girls want a guy who's smart and knows the facts.

Lauren Pearson:
Sure they do. Goodbye Johnny Depp. My hearts belongs to Al Gore.