The Brady Bunch Variety Hour

Mike Brady:
Carol, we've only been on a few minutes. Are you telling me we've already been canceled?

Carol Brady:
We really think we have a terrific show for you tonight!

Marcia Brady:
It's loaded with music, dancing and lots of comedy.

Bobby Brady:
Stay tuned, folks. The comedy starts right after this monologue.

Greg Brady:
What has six eyes, sex appeal, smokes a cigar and wears a toupee?

Everyone:
What?

Greg Brady:
Tonight's three guests.

Mike Brady:
Hey, let's sing!

Bobby Brady:
Now THAT'S funny!

Bobby Brady:
That's Peter's idea of funny stuff, he sings with a puppet. Next week he wants to dance with a roll of paper towels.

Bobby Brady:
Compared to us, Donny and Marie are Cheech and Chong!

Carol Brady:
Honey, can we have our picnic on the beach? I would somehow like to justify this incredible rent we're paying.

Mike Brady:
Sure, honey.

Alice Nelson:
Do you mind if I tag along? Maybe the tide's washed up a sailor.

Carol Brady:
Sure, Alice. At least he'll be clean!

Milton Berle:
I feel like the loser on The Gong Show.

Milton Berle:
One more kid and you're eligible for statehood.

Mike Brady:
Mr Berle... why are you here?

Milton Berle:
Bad luck, I guess.

Bobby Brady:
Mr. Berle, we need your help. You see, we're about as funny as the Waltons.

Milton Berle:
No, you're not.

Mike Brady:
It would be an honor to have you working on our show.

Milton Berle:
Heck, I've always dreamed of working with the Sweathogs!

Mike Brady:
Welcome back to another Brady Bunch Hour!

Carol Brady:
Yeah, the show that asks the musical question: Can eight average people make it in the big time?

Mike Brady:
Am I really that bad a singer?

Carol Brady:
Our guests for tonight's show are...

Marcia Brady:
Uh, Mom, he's not serious is he? He sounds serious.

Carol Brady:
I know he sounds serious. I've heard him sing.

Carol Brady:
You know, honey, for a guy with his own television show, you're still a pretty fair architect.

Mike Brady:
Hey, thanks! I think it's kind of therapy for me, you know. Architects don't need Neilsen ratings to tell them who's watching their buildings.

Cindy Brady:
Aren't we making a movie?

Carol Brady:
I think we better get this television show on first.

Bobby Brady:
Really! If we don't hurry up, people are gonna turn us off and go to the movies!

Rich Little:
Who are all these kids?

Carol Brady:
Uh, these are our sons and daughters.

Rich Little:
Oh boy, you - you two have been busy, haven't you?

Carol Brady:
You know, Mike, Cindy is growing up.

Mike Brady:
Yeah.

Carol Brady:
Seems like only yesterday I was explaining the bumps in her Barbie doll to her.

Jan Brady:
Oh, why can't I be dead?

Marcia Brady:
Yeah! Why can't Jan be dead?

Cindy Brady:
How would you like to eat your teeth?

Bobby Brady:
How would you like to sit on a frog?

Carol Brady:
My babies, they're so close.

Jan Brady:
It's all going wrong! Why couldn't I have been one of the Waltons?

[a "Now Serving #27" sign descends from the ceiling]

Carol Brady:
With eight Bradys, this is the only fair way to decide who eats first, who talks first or who gets the bathroom.

Jan Brady:
Mother, how could you? Now everybody knows!

Bobby Brady:
My sister Jan doesn't want anyone to know we even have a bathroom.

Greg Brady:
You know, actually in our old house, we didn't.

Greg Brady:
Music is my life.