The Dick Van Dyke Show

Laura Petrie:
You wanna end up another Dwight Heatherton, go ahead!

Rob Petrie:
Who's that?

Laura Petrie:
Dwight Heatheron happens to be an excellent writer who is unknown because he gets no publicity.

Rob Petrie:
Then how do you know him?

Laura Petrie:
Oh Rob, he's *famous*.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Rob, I can't tell you how much.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
You can't tell us how much four and four are.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Yech!

[Laura just admitted that she told a TV audience Alan Brady is bald]

Rob Petrie:
Well did you know it was a secret?

Laura Petrie:
Yes.

Rob Petrie:
Oh sure, what's the fun of telling something if it's not a secret?

[repeated line]

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob!

Sally Rogers:
What's the matter Rob?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, he got on the elevator and I busted my leg on a lady.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
This guy laughs at everything! Bet he'll laugh if I say "shoehorn"... SHOEHORN!

Maxwell Cooley:
heh huhh heh huhh! [silly laughter]

Alan Brady:
[re note about letting go of the staff] Didn't you see I crumpled it up?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[inspects paper] Yeah that's his crumple!

[repeated line]

Sally Rogers:
It's just like my Aunt Agnes used to say...

Rob Petrie:
[Sally, Buddy, Rob and Laura are staying in a haunted cabin, all four are in the same bed because they are scared of the ghost] It's been over two hours and nothing strange or unusual has happened.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, really? What do you call four grown people sleeping in the same bed with their clothes on?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[after Rob and Laura exchange a romantic goodnight, complete with kiss] Good night, Sal.

Sally Rogers:
Goodnight, pal. [they shake hands]

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
[Sally emerges from another room wearing a facemask] Sal! We've been working together all these years, I never knew you looked like that!

Sally Rogers:
Looked like what?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Like my wife!

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Oh, believe me, doodly doo.

Rob Petrie:
At least I'll prove one thing tonight: Television writers marry the prettiest girls.

[repeated line]

Sally Rogers:
Good thinking.

[repeated line]

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
[after Buddy ridicules him] Yecch!

Rob Petrie:
I want to take a nap before I go to sleep.

[repeated line]

Ritchie Petrie:
Oh, yeah, I forgot.

Mel Cooley:
Alan does a lot of charity work.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh, THAT'S how you got your job.

Mel Cooley:
You're doing a show in prison?

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, how 'bout that? Hundreds of men and not one of them can get away.

[Rob describes Lyle Delp's role in prison]

Mel Cooley:
You... you mean he's a convict?

Buddy Sorrell:
Boy, if he ain't, he got the worst taste in clothes I ever saw.

Rob Petrie:
[about Lyle] As a mater of fact, when we first met the guy, he was a holdup man.

Mel Cooley:
H-how did you know he was a holdup man?

Rob Petrie:
He held us up.

Mel Cooley:
You mean you actually became friends with a man who held you up?

Rob Petrie:
Yeah, we've been writing to him in prison for years.

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, he's sort of a pen pal.

Mel Cooley:
Well, I've got plenty of time. My desk is clear.

Buddy Sorrell:
So's your head.

Lyle Delp:
Oh, Rob!

[Having climbed into the elevator shaft, Rob looks for anything that might help him get them all out of their stuck elevator, including messages on the walls]

Rob Petrie:
Here's something. "In nineteen hundred and thirty-six, John Freeny laid these bricks. I wanna wish you lots of luck, because if you're reading this you're stuck."

Sally Rogers:
Hold it! Wait a minute! I got a bagel sandwich on rye.

Buddy Sorrell:
You know why your kid makes up these weird stories about being attacked by big birds?

Rob Petrie:
Why?

Buddy Sorrell:
'Cause you live in the suburbs.

Sally Rogers:
What're you talking about?

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, if he lived in the city like any normal kid, he'd be attacked by a nice street gang.

Rob Petrie:
What's he doin' now?

Laura Petrie:
Well, he's soaking in the bathtub. It's the only thing that'll keep him quiet.

Rob Petrie:
Well, keep him soaking awhile.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, I hate to. His fingers and toes are all pruny.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, would you rather have him pruny or hysterical?

Laura Petrie:
Pruny.

Mel Cooley:
Is he wearing makeup?

Buddy Sorrell:
I have a blemish.

Mel Cooley:
You ARE a blemish.

Buddy Sorrell:
When a man is wearing pancake and lipstick, you can't be too pushy.

[Rob okays Alan filming at his home, then calls Laura about it]

Sally Rogers:
Listen, how can you say yes without checking?

Rob Petrie:
I always do that.

Sally Rogers:
And she doesn't mind?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, yeah, but it makes the marriage exciting and dangerous.

Rob Petrie:
[on the phone] Well, I'm sorry, Mel, that's too bad, but the waters do not part at Alan Brady's command.

Buddy Sorrell:
[another bald joke] Mel's hair did.

Rob Petrie:
Millie, Alan wants you to uninvite twenty-eight people.

Millie Helper:
What?

Laura Petrie:
He only wants you to have twelve people at YOUR party.

Millie Helper:
Well... how come you... w-why... w-who do... well... What did YOU say?

Rob Petrie:
Those exact words.

Rob Petrie:
[keeping order by directing the party, with overflow guests kept in the kitchen] This is Jerry and Millie's anniversary party, that's all, and you should act just the way you did at the last one.

Buddy Sorrell:
I wasn't invited to the last one. What am I supposed to do?

Sally Rogers:
Shut up or they'll put you in the kitchen.

Blanche:
Hey, you're cute.

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, you have good taste.

Blanche:
Hey. tell me, what is Alan Brady really like?

Buddy Sorrell:
I don't think he really likes anything.

Alan Brady:
These people are supposed to be my friends, the little people who love me. Why don't you rush to the door and love me?

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, Rob told us not to.

Sally Rogers:
Attaboy, Benedict.

Millie Helper:
Boy, you people are moody. One minute we're singin' and the next minute we're goin' in the kitchen.

[Rob thinks he heard the phone ring though it didn't]

Rob Petrie:
[now hearing an actual noise] What was that?

Laura Petrie:
The refrigerator defrosting. You wanna answer it?

Horace:
Take the couple up at the top of the hill, Lola and Francine Shrank. "Artists." Huh! Trouble-makers, that's what they are.

Rob Petrie:
Well, what do they do?

Horace:
Every year they come into town and break up our square dance.

Rob Petrie:
Well, how do they do that?

Horace:
They're nudists. It's a darn shame, too. Good dancers.

Jerry Helper:
You may have grown them, but those teeth in your head belong to me.

Rob Petrie:
How do you figure that you're the best dentist in the whole world?

Jerry Helper:
Simple logic. I consider you one of the smartest and brightest people in the world.

Rob Petrie:
Oh, thank you, kindly.

Jerry Helper:
And who does your dental work?

Rob Petrie:
You do.

Jerry Helper:
See?

Buddy Sorrell:
I think toothaches are very funny. What's funnier than that?

Sally Rogers:
An itch.

Buddy Sorrell:
A tooth-itch?

Buddy Sorrell:
[trying to round up a dentist for Rob] Sally, how about your dentist?

Sally Rogers:
Oh, he's wonderful. He's handsome, he's single, and he's a wonderful dancer.

Buddy Sorrell:
How about teeth?

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, he's got teeth.

Rob Petrie:
Boy, somebody once said, "The man's home may be his castle but very often his teeth are not his own."

[Finally meeting Jerry after avoiding him for a week, Rob wants to keep the conversation serious so he won't smile and show Jerry his teeth]

Jerry Helper:
Hey, Rob, I'm glad the girls are gone. I heard a couple jokes at the convention I gotta tell ya. Come on, sit down.

Rob Petrie:
Uh... Jer... I'd... d'I'd... I don't think we ought to be telling any jokes right about... Hadn't you been reading the papers?

Jerry Helper:
What, what?

Rob Petrie:
Well, there's a lot of... FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.

Jerry Helper:
Where?

Rob Petrie:
Well, it's around. A lot of it's going around, Jer.

Rob Petrie:
[comparing Dr. Helper to Dr. Bardhoffen] Jerry's a good dentist. I have nothing against his work at all. That's the difference, you see: One of 'em is a worker, the other one is an artist.

Rob Petrie:
I know he'll understand about the emergency but I'm just wondering if he's going to understand about this other one.

Laura Petrie:
What other one?

Rob Petrie:
[pointing to another tooth] That one.

Laura Petrie:
Did he do that too?

Rob Petrie:
Yeah. It needed doing but I could easily have waited for Jerry.

Laura Petrie:
Well, why didn't you?

Rob Petrie:
Well, I don't know. I was sittin' there in the chair with my big mouth open, I thought I might as well let him drill away.

Laura Petrie:
Look, Jerry's been back in town for a week now. You can't avoid him forever.

Rob Petrie:
Who's tryin' to avoid him forever? I'm simply trying to avoid him long enough so I can figure out a way to tell 'im about those strange inlays on HIS back molars.

Laura Petrie:
Darling, those are YOUR back molars.

Rob Petrie:
According to Jerry, my teeth are his teeth.

Jerry Helper:
I been busier than a centipede's mother tryin' to diaper a baby while puttin' their shoes on.

Jerry Helper:
Ordinarily you're a very smiley guy. I haven't seen you smile once since I came in.

Rob Petrie:
Well, J-Jerry, uh, b'yah, it's the... it's FAMINE and DROUGHT and PESTILENCE.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Look, Ritchie, when you cheat to win, that's naughty, but when you cheat to lose... it's ridiculous.

Sally Rogers:
Boy, look at all the fun I missed. And I, like a dope, went to the dog show.

Buddy Sorrell:
D'you win anything?

Buddy Sorrell:
He just thinks Rob is a crook.

Sally Rogers:
Well, why does he think he was a crook?

Jerry Helper:
Well, because he accused Rob of slipping a deck of marked cards into our poker game.

Sally Rogers:
Marked cards? Well, why would he think that?

Buddy Sorrell:
Because that's what Rob did.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Why would I use marked cards to win ten dollars?

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, it's easier than sticking up a live chicken market.

Sally Rogers:
Look, is somebody gonna tell me what's going on or do I have to hear the dirty version from the kids in the street?

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, come on, Mr. D.A., are you in or out?

Lou Gregory:
I'm a former D.A.

Buddy Sorrell:
I don't want your credentials. I want your money.

Beth Gregory:
Oh, Lou, don't take it so seriously. It's just a game.

Lou Gregory:
There's no other way to take it. It's how you play the game. It doesn't matter if you win or lose.

Buddy Sorrell:
As long as you wind up at the end of the evening with all the money.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I'm gonna go put on my lucky slippers.

Buddy Sorrell:
What're gonna do, shuffle the cards with your toes?

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, how 'bout a little Three Card Barrington?

Beth Gregory:
Three Card Barrington? How do you play that?

Buddy Sorrell:
You just deal three cards. Red nines are wild. Seven of clubs is high. Low card passes. Ace, nine, six, four of all suits is Barrington.

Millie Helper:
And that's when you win?

Buddy Sorrell:
No, that's when everybody gets up and walks around the chairs.

Beth Gregory:
Well, how do ya... how to ya win?

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, while everybody else is walking around the chairs, I grab the money.

Beth Gregory:
Every deck has the same fifty-three cards.

Lou Gregory:
Fifty-two, Beth.

Beth Gregory:
But... you don't count the joker.

Lou Gregory:
Not in this game, dear.

Beth Gregory:
Oh, well, then I'll stop waiting for it.

Lou Gregory:
Oh, I always advise people never to play cards with anybody excepting their friends.

Jerry Helper:
In that case, I pass.

Millie Helper:
I fold.

Jerry Helper:
What do you mean you "fold?" What happened to your new system?

Millie Helper:
That's my system: ante up, take two cards, and fold.

[Rob's been on a two-hour winning streak]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[while rapping against the table] Gimme those deuces, and gimme those treys. Gimme those aces - that's the way I plays. Just put your money right in the pot. I'll take it home, and thanks a lot.

Jerry Helper:
Uh, ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I just broke up a pair of queens to go for a straight. If this is another queen, I'll shoot myself.

Ritchie Petrie:
[reading the back of Jerry's card] Well, Uncle Jerry, you got another queen. You gonna shoot yourself?

Ritchie Petrie:
Bad luck, Daddy.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[laughs nervously] Thanks. I mean, go to bed.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
This is my magic deck.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, magic is right. You just made your friends disappear.

Lou Gregory:
A nice friendly game of marked cards. CHEATING! In the SUBURBS!

Sally Rogers:
Hey, uh, what was going on? Who was that?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, his name is Lou Gregory and he's a very ungracious man. Hi, Sally.

Sally Rogers:
Oh.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
A little suspicious, too. Hi Sal.

Sally Rogers:
Oh.

Jerry Helper:
Well, you can't blame him. He used to be an assistant district attorney. Hi, Sal.

Sally Rogers:
Hi, Jer. Well, what was he doing here?

Millie Helper:
He's a patient of Jerry's and we invited him over for a nice, frienly evening. Hi, Sal.

Sally Rogers:
Look, if I don't get all the gory details of this, I'm goin' back to the dog show.

Buddy Sorrell:
You still won't win anything.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, shut up.

Lou Gregory:
[angry that he lost a good hand to Rob] Why, that's pure luck!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[gloating in a southern accent] Why, sir, down in ole Mississippi we call that "know-how."

Laura Petrie:
Will you stop gloating?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[still in his accent] All I said was "know-how." You know what means, don't cha? That means that you folks ain't got no chance... no how.

Mel Cooley:
Did you want to see me Rob? I've only got a second.

Buddy Sorrell:
A second with you is like a year with an ugly mob.

Buddy Sorrell:
My mother-in-law is spending the month with us for a couple days.

[Rob confesses he figured out Laura's plan for a surprise party]

Laura Petrie:
You only knew what I wanted you to know.

Rob Petrie:
And how's that?

Laura Petrie:
Well, I let you know I was planning a surprise birthday party, and my idea was to make it look like no one could come, and then we'd go to a restaurant and have dinner.

Rob Petrie:
That's right, and everybody would come to the restaurant... to the dinner party and yell surprise. Honey, I hate to tell you but I knew that was your plan all along.

Laura Petrie:
[after kissing Rob] Darling, are you all right?

Rob Petrie:
Yeah, I'm just fine. Why do you ask?

Laura Petrie:
Well, I know it sounds kind of silly, but, uh... your lips were very cold.

Rob Petrie:
[after nervously feeling his own lips] My lips are regular lip temperature. It may be your lips are running a fever.

Sally Rogers:
Rob, if she were planning a surprise party, she certainly wouldn't let you hear her inviting everybody.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, and she wouldn't have you invitin' Mel.

Rob Petrie:
No, that's just exactly what she WOULD do. You see, what she's doing, in chess, is called the double-reverse half-truth check-your-mate gamble. I'm gonna play right along with her and let her check her mate, that's all.

Sally Rogers:
Well, you may be right, Sebastian, but I think she's employing the old I-planned-to-give-him-a-surprise-party-but-the-rat-found-out-about-it-so-I-changed-my-plans bit.

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, I don't know which one of you guys is right, but there's a free meal in there some place and I'M GOIN'.

Buddy Sorrell:
[showing off his donation to charity] How do you like this?

Sally Rogers:
A tuxedo?

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah.

Sally Rogers:
Look, Buddy, people is depressed countries don't go to formal banquets too often.

Buddy Sorrell:
Now they can go.

Sally Rogers:
[examining Rob's sports coat] Hey, how d'you rip the pocket?

Rob Petrie:
I didn't rip the pocket.

Sally Rogers:
What happened? D'your handkerchief explode?

Rob Petrie:
No, my neighbor did.

Rob Petrie:
[explaining why he and Jerry aren't speaking to each other] Because we believe in diametrically opposed ideologies.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, he believes in ripping up your jacket and you just don't like that.

Rob Petrie:
No. No, I-I believe in constitutional government. That guy believes in... in mob rule.

Buddy Sorrell:
You ripped a button; he ripped a pocket. Sound like a game - Pockabutton. I'd like to play but all I got's a zipper.

Rob Petrie:
[giving reason for sending the Helpers a dinner invitation] If people are gonna live together peacefully, we've got to keep the lines of communication open.

Laura Petrie:
Well, then, darling, why don't you CALL Jerry and invite him?

Rob Petrie:
'Cause I don't wanna talk to that rat.

[Mel enters to collect clothing donations]

Mel Cooley:
What have you got for me?

Buddy Sorrell:
Hatred.

Mel Cooley:
[to Rob] Oh, by the way, Alan wants to see you in his office right away. He needs some big jokes for the monologue.

Buddy Sorrell:
Why don't YOU volunteer. You're the biggest joke around here.

Rob Petrie:
Buddy, enough already.

Mel Cooley:
No, no, let him go. Let him go. The-the more he says, the closer he comes to a cauliflower nose.

Millie Helper:
I am goin' to that dinner party tonight whether YOU go or NOT. I'm gonna wear my new dress, and my new shoes, and - I'll tell ya somethin' else, Dr. Helper - I'm gonna have fun.

Jerry Helper:
No you're not, 'cause I'm goin' with you.

Ritchie Petrie:
You gonna get a sitter for me?

Laura Petrie:
Yes, dear. I've called Billy and he's gonna come over.

Ritchie Petrie:
He can teach me how to belch.

Laura Petrie:
Ritchie!

Ritchie Petrie:
He can do it any time he wants.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, please speak to him, please.

[Laura exits]

Rob Petrie:
Uh - heh-heh - Ritch, that's, uh, not a very polite thing.

Ritchie Petrie:
Billy says that in China, if you don't burp after a meal, they think you hatred the dinner.

Rob Petrie:
Yeah, but we're not in China now.

Ritchie Petrie:
Well, maybe someday we'll go, and I wanna be polite.

Jerry Helper:
Listen, uh, where are your mother and father?

Ritchie Petrie:
They went out.

Jerry Helper:
Out? Where?

Ritchie Petrie:
I don't know. They just left.

Jerry Helper:
Huh, you see that?

Millie Helper:
Come on. Don't jump to conclusions. Ritchie, are they coming back?

Ritchie Petrie:
Oh, sure.

Millie Helper:
Ya see?

Jerry Helper:
Well, how do you know they're coming back?

Ritchie Petrie:
They have to. They live here.

Jerry Helper:
Millie... Millie, will you tell him to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.

Millie Helper:
Rob will you get outta here before Jerry does something he'll be sorry for.

Millie Helper:
Jerry, tell her to get outta here before I do something I'll be sorry for.

Jerry Helper:
Laura, I think you better get outta here.

Laura Petrie:
Now wait a minute. I don't know what's been going on here, but I would like to say a few things.

Rob Petrie:
Watch it. You'll get a breadstick up your nose.

Laura Petrie:
[angrily] I think you two ought to know something. Rob was against sending that invitation to you but I insisted, and now I'm sorry I sent it.

Millie Helper:
You're sorry ya sent it?

Laura Petrie:
You don't know how sorry I am. I think it's one of the stupidest things I've ever done.

Jerry Helper:
Then you, uh... you DO think it was a stupid thing?

Laura Petrie:
[near tears] Well, let's just say this, Jerry - I will never send you another one like it, and you can bet on that.

Jerry Helper:
You MEAN that?

Rob Petrie:
[through grit teeth] Oh-h-h, you BET she means it.

Jerry Helper:
[greatly relieved] Well, okay.

Rob Petrie:
Okay, what?

Jerry Helper:
We accept your apology.

Laura Petrie:
You accept our...?

Millie Helper:
Yes, and... we... forgive you.

Rob Petrie:
You forgive US?

Millie Helper:
[happily] You bet we do.

Jerry Helper:
Uh, well, uh, we were both being very stubborn, and I'm happy to see that you took a first step to clear the air.

Rob Petrie:
[thoroughly perplexed] Now wait a minute. Wait just a minute, Jerry. There's a misunderstanding here...

Laura Petrie:
[cautiously] There certainly is, darling, and I think it's the kind of misunderstanding we should try very hard NOT to clear up for a little while.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[about the dirty word Ritchie said] I wish I knew where Ritch was picking that stuff up, and from whom.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[pointing to Buddy] When was the last time he was at your house?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Look, beach-head, I don't use bad language in front of children, but in your case, I'll make an exception.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
Children can be a problem, can't they, Rob? At home *and* at the office.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
They sure can.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Morning, honey.

[smooch]

Laura Petrie:
Shh.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
What'd I do? Kiss you too loud?

[Sally asks Buddy his opinion on a pair of new shows]

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
All right, come on. Sit down.

Sally Rogers:
Sit down?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Yeah, sit down. Cross your legs. I LIKE 'em!

Sally Rogers:
You wouldn't kid me, would you?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Why should I kid ya? I always liked your legs.

[Still seeking Buddy's opinion on a pair of new shoes]

Sally Rogers:
Buddy, you REALLY like these?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
I really like 'em.

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, but do you love 'em?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
I love 'em.

Sally Rogers:
Better than the alligators?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Better than the alligators.

Sally Rogers:
Ya sure?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
I'm positive!

Sally Rogers:
Good! I'll take the alligators.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Well, what d'ask ME for?

Sally Rogers:
'Cause I value you opinion.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
You do?

Sally Rogers:
Sure! Your taste is rotten!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Ritchie said a bad word.

Sally Rogers:
Well, THAT we gathered.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Well, what was it? What'd he say?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Can't repeat it in mixed company.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, I understand, Rob. Buddy, would you mind leaving the room?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I'm gonna go home tonight and have a man-to-man talk with my son.

Sally Rogers:
Man-to-man? Hey, is Ritchie ready for that?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I think he's ready for it.

Sally Rogers:
Are you?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
No.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
You know, nothing works like a little love and a little psychology.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
And a little rap in the mouth is pretty effective, too.

Laura Petrie:
How 'bout some dinner?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Whadda you having?

Laura Petrie:
Spaghetti and meatballs.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I don't want any.

Laura Petrie:
Well, honey, that's your favorite.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I know. If I eat it I'll get happy and I want to stay mad!

Sally Rogers:
Gee, what a beautiful ashtray!

Buddy Sorrell:
Gorgeous, gorgeous!

Sally Rogers:
Yes.

Laura Petrie:
We gave them that ashtray. We gave them this lamp, too.

Rob Petrie:
No special reason, just in friendship.

Laura Petrie:
That's right.

Sally Rogers:
[long, uncomfortable pause] BOY, this is a beautiful ashtray!

Jerry Helper:
Hey, Rob, let's play "Who Am I", huh? Who am I?

Rob Petrie:
We gave you that vase, too.

Jerry Helper:
I know, I know, thanks. Who am I?

Rob Petrie:
You're not Eleanor Roosevelt, I'll tell you that for sure.

Jerry Helper:
Come on. Who am I? Let's play. What do you say, Rob?

Millie Helper:
[long, uncomfortable pause] Let's play charades!

Jerry Helper:
Charades! Everybody loves charades! Hey, I got it. Laura, Rob and I, we'll be on one team, and Millie, Sally and Buddy, you're on the other.

Millie Helper:
Charades all right, Rob? Laura?

Laura Petrie:
It's your house.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
You didn't give them the house?

Rob Petrie:
Hey, Honey, will you bring me a handkerchief?

Laura Petrie:
[calling from bedroom] We're only going next door.

Rob Petrie:
I can... I can run back here and blow my nose, I guess.

Laura Petrie:
We eavesdropped this long, we can eave a drop longer.

Jerry Helper:
Well, let's face it, Honey, Rob is no Albert Schweitzer either.

Rob Petrie:
I'm no Albert Schweitzer, huh? Well, he's no Eleanor Roosevelt.

Millie Helper:
Whadda you think could be keeping Rob and Laura?

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, maybe they had a fist fight.

Sally Rogers:
A fist fight? Rob and Laura?

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah.

Sally Rogers:
Worst thing they ever do is kiss hard.

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, play The Minute Waltz.

Sally Rogers:
I only know half of it.

Buddy Sorrell:
Play it twice.

Laura Petrie:
I mean, after all, where would the world be today, Rob, of it weren't for experiments. We wouldn't be on the moon today!

Rob Petrie:
We're not on the moon.

Laura Petrie:
That's beside the point.

[What should Jerry and Millie apologize for?]

Rob Petrie:
Well, because, uh... they... didn't know what we heard, but they are guilty because they know they said it, even though they didn't know that we know, you know?

Laura Petrie:
What?

Rob Petrie:
You unscramble it. There's a good sentence in there somewhere.

Buddy Sorrell:
I know what's bothering them.

Sally Rogers, Jerry Helper:
What?

Buddy Sorrell:
They need on-the-spot relief from acid indigestion.

Laura Petrie:
What're you gonna do with the wine?

Rob Petrie:
Well, if, uh, we're gonna go next door and, uh, swallow our pride and eat some crow, we'd better have some good wine to wash it down with.

Rob Petrie:
If you can't say nasty things about your best friends at home, where can you?

Jerry Helper:
Do, uh... do you say nasty things about us?

Rob Petrie:
Well, let me, uh, put it this way, Jerry - we say less nasty things about you than we do about any of our other neighbors.

Rob Petrie:
[playing some Bach on the piano] I'm no Albert Schweitzer, huh?

Rob Petrie:
Accusing you of leaving something out of a recipe! You know what that is? It's malicious accusory!

Buddy Sorrell:
I haven't had laughs like this since the St. Valentine's Day massacre.

[in a game of Charades, Laura pantomimes violent antics for teammates Jerry and Rob to guess a song title]

Jerry Helper:
The whole thing? Okay. Uh, march!

Rob Petrie:
Yeah. Walk. Stomp! Stomp all over people! Walk all over people! Goose step! Treachery. Treachery. Two-faced. Two-faced. Stab! Stab in the back, stab in the back!

[Laura points to Millie and Jerry]

Jerry Helper:
Uh... Uh, point! Point! Finger! Finger!

Rob Petrie:
Accuse, indict, uh, malicious accusory.

[Laura grabs Millie and Jarry's faces]

Rob Petrie:
Two-faced, that's right. Pearl Harbor! I GOT IT!

Jerry Helper:
What is it?

Rob Petrie:
"On the Street Where You Live."

Laura Petrie:
Right!

Jerry Helper:
[snatching up the paper with the answer] Hey, that IS right!

Buddy Sorrell:
[making a joke] I come in a couple times a week to empty the garbage.

Anthony Stone:
[taking him seriously] Somebody has to.

Buddy Sorrell:
Surprise? Boy, she'll drop her teeth when she sees...

Rob Petrie:
Uh, very nice to meet you, Tony.

Anthony Stone:
Of course.

Buddy Sorrell:
"Of course?"

Laura Petrie:
[seeing the alligator purse Sally brought back for her from Jamaica] Oh, Rob, isn't it beautiful? Don't you love it?

Rob Petrie:
Well, anything that helps rid the world of alligators, I'm for.

Laura Petrie:
And I've got a pair of alligator shoes that'll go with it perfectly.

Rob Petrie:
You have? Where?

Laura Petrie:
Little shop on 34th street.

Laura Petrie:
Gee, that's a lovely suit.

Sally Rogers:
This suit?

Laura Petrie:
Is it silk?

Sally Rogers:
No, it's one of those blends. You know, cotton and anthrax or somethin'.

Sally Rogers:
Laura, you're the only one I can tell, but... but you gotta take an oath.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, I'm very good at oaths.

Sally Rogers:
Taking them or keeping them.

Laura Petrie:
Both. Both.

Sally Rogers:
You'll tell no one?

Laura Petrie:
I promise.

Sally Rogers:
[after a pause] And when you tell Rob, make HIM promise.

Rob Petrie:
Hey, let's get one thing straight. We have no right to pry into Sally's private business. It's just not right. Besides, Laura's pumpin' her right now.

Buddy Sorrell:
You know, love makes you do crazy things. Made me get married.

[Rob and Laura don't realize they're talking about two different matters]

Rob Petrie:
Wait'll I tell you what I found out.

Laura Petrie:
[musically] I found out, too.

Rob Petrie:
You did? How?

Laura Petrie:
Sally told me.

Rob Petrie:
Sally TOLD ya?

Laura Petrie:
Well, of course, darling. Don't you remember? That was the point for the whole luncheon.

Rob Petrie:
You mean Sally KNOWS?

Laura Petrie:
Well, naturally.

Rob Petrie:
[flabbergasted] Well, she doesn''t care?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, not too much.

Rob Petrie:
I can't believe that.

Laura Petrie:
Well, see, what she's really afraid of is that peple will kid her about it and make jokes.

Rob Petrie:
JOKES? Honey, I don't see that that's anything to joke about.

Laura Petrie:
Gee, Rob, you must be one of her square friends

Rob Petrie:
SQUARE? Is that what you call it? You call is square?

Laura Petrie:
You're really making an awful lot out of nothing.

Rob Petrie:
WHAT?

[repeated line]

Alan Brady:
Shut up, Mel.

Alan Brady:
Oh, R-Rob, it's hard to tell a... a writer that his stuff isn't funny.

Rob Petrie:
You tell me that every week.

Alan Brady:
D'oh, but you're a... you're a television writer.

Alan Brady:
You know, Rob, you've got my guts in your hands.

Alan Brady:
This could make me the toast of Broadway. Don't let me get burnt.

Rob Petrie:
[deep in thought] Whadda ya want?

Laura Petrie:
A divorce.

Rob Petrie:
In a minute.

Laura Petrie:
Shall I call the lawyer?

Rob Petrie:
No, that's all right, honey. I'll call him.

Laura Petrie:
Are you doing this because you're afraid of Alan?

Rob Petrie:
No, I'm doin' it because I respect Alan Brady. A man of his caliber has great firing power.

Alan Brady:
I'm not gonna take off my hair for THIS play.

Alan Brady:
It's kind of frightening to look at a joke and have it look back at you.

Laura Petrie:
What happened to your jacket?

Rob Petrie:
I was attacked by a bar of soap.

Rob Petrie:
Mr. Yates has written a play which is not very good.

Alan Brady:
Rob, not in front of Mr. Ben.

Rob Petrie:
[whispering] The play's weak. What am I whispering in front of a dog for?

Alan Brady:
Because he's smart and he bites.

Rob Petrie:
Forrest, how soon can you fix this set? This show's really important to me.

Forrest Gilly:
Oh, I can see that. You're wearin' a tuxedo just to watch it.

Rob Petrie:
Gee, if you can't trust an alter boy, who can you trust?

Laura Petrie:
Even Reverend Dorman is upset the way you behave, Rob. No one will EVER forgive you.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, Reverend Dorman HAS to forgive me.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, I know you're upset.

Laura Petrie:
I never COULD fool you, could I?

[last lines]

Rob Petrie:
Honey, you know I appreciate what you're trying to do. I think it's a wonderful idea, but we got to look at the thing practically. It's gonna take you, what, twenty years to save enough money for that car.

Laura Petrie:
Darling, you mean you want me to just forget all about it?

Rob Petrie:
No, no. You know what we ought to do?

Laura Petrie:
What?

Rob Petrie:
I think we ought to sell the house and get the car right away.

Laura Petrie:
Well, what's the rush?

Rob Petrie:
Well, I know when I get the car, I intend on asking you to take a trip with me, and I'd like to do it while I'm still young.

Laura Petrie:
What's the matter, darling? Don't you think I'd accept an invitation from a gray-haired old gentleman?

Rob Petrie:
Well, sure you would, but who wants to roll around the country in a hot sportscar with a gray-haired old lady?

[Annoyed, Laura hits Rob with a pillow]

Laura Petrie:
Good night, darling.

Rob Petrie:
Good night.

Buddy Sorrell:
For years, my wife kept throwing quarters into a cookie jar. Drove me nuts! Finally, I found out what she was saving for.

Rob Petrie:
What was it?

Buddy Sorrell, Sally Rogers:
[in unison] Cookies!

Sally Rogers:
Come on, Buddy, let's go for coffee.

Buddy Sorrell:
No, I wanna stay. I never saw a real holdup before.

Sally Rogers:
[to Rob and Laura] See ya later.

Buddy Sorrell:
[likewise] Be back in a few dollars!

Ritchie Petrie:
Happy birthday, Dad!

Rob Petrie:
Oh, thank you, Rich.

Ritchie Petrie:
It cost me a fortunes.

Rob Petrie:
I'll bet it did, and it's very sweet of you, Rich.

Ritchie Petrie:
That's okay, Daddy. You're worth 89?.

Laura Petrie:
Rob! How could you? You looked in my private glove!

Rob Petrie:
I would like to know is why you think you have to have your own private bank account.

Laura Petrie:
Because I do, that's why.

Rob Petrie:
All right then. The next logical question is what is wrong with the money in our joint account?

Laura Petrie:
Well, that's our account and our money. This is my money.

Rob Petrie:
YOUR money?

Laura Petrie:
Yes, Rob. I want some money that's MINE to spend on anything I want. It's important to me. I don't want everything coming from you.

Rob Petrie:
And where'd you get THIS money?

Laura Petrie:
From you.

Rob Petrie:
Well, isn't it all the same thing then? Either you get money from me or you get money from that which CAME from me.

Laura Petrie:
No, Rob, it's completely different.

Rob Petrie:
Oh...

Laura Petrie:
I put this money in a little at a time. At first, it's from you, but then, after it lies around a while, I forget it came from you and then it's from me!

[Rob gives Laura a funny look]

Laura Petrie:
Oh, you just don't understand!

Rob Petrie:
You want some money of your own. What I don't understand is why!

Laura Petrie:
That's it! That's exactly it!

Rob Petrie:
What's it?

Laura Petrie:
You just don't understand!

[Laura cries]

Rob Petrie:
Oh, boy. Honey, look, I want to understand, but you've got to help me a little bit. Now, just give me a hint.

[Laura sobs]

Rob Petrie:
The first word.

[Laura sobs again]

Rob Petrie:
The first letter.

[and again]

Rob Petrie:
Honey, please!

Laura Petrie:
All right, I'll tell you. And then I hope you'll be satisfied that you just ruined everything! That money is for you!

Rob Petrie:
Uh... for me?

Laura Petrie:
I wanted to buy you something for your birthday.

Rob Petrie:
Well, you... you already bought me something for my birthday. Don't tell me that shirt...

Laura Petrie:
Oh, no, Rob, this money isn't for now. It's... it's for two or three or four years from now - whenever I saved up enough money to buy you that stupid sports car you've been drooling over.

Rob Petrie:
Sports car?

Laura Petrie:
Yes, that silly XKG JFK 400 Roadster... with matching luggage.

[cries louder than ever and falls onto bed]

Jerry Helper:
Hey, it's a bank book.

Rob Petrie:
[reading] "Mrs. Laura Petrie." Isn't that cute? She got a little nest egg of her own.

Jerry Helper:
Cute. You, uh... you really think that's cute, huh?

Rob Petrie:
Well, so she has a few dollars in a little private bank account. How much could it be?

Jerry Helper:
Okay, okay. How much?

Rob Petrie:
Well, I don't even have to look. It can't be more than just a little pittance. $378.

Jerry Helper:
A LITTLE pittance?

Rob Petrie:
So, she has a big pittance. It's her pittance. Look, maybe she's just setting aside a little for a rainy day.

Jerry Helper:
$378? Boy, that's enough for the monsoon season.

Rob Petrie:
Oh, come on. Now a lot of wives put aside a little for a rainy day. What's wrong with that?

Jerry Helper:
Well, nothin', but why is the money just in her name? I mean, uh, listen, if it rains, doesn't she care if you get wet?

[Buddy and Sally denote Rob's preoccupation over Laura's secret bank book]

Rob Petrie:
You know, you guys are jokin' but there's one aspect of this whole silly thing that intrigues me.

Sally Rogers:
You mean the... the fact that Laura's keeping a secret from you?

Rob Petrie:
No, that doesn't bother me. It's just the fact that she's keeping it a secret from me. THAT bothers me.

Buddy Sorrell:
[testing the depths of Rob's preoccupation] Doesn't the fact that she's keeping it a secret bother ya?

Rob Petrie:
No, I don't worry about things like that.

Sally Rogers:
If I were you, I'd worry about my hearing, Fred.

Sally Rogers:
What is big and green and, um, has a big trunk?

Buddy Sorrell:
An unripe elephant.

[Bernard reaches into his coat's inside breast pocket]

Sally Rogers:
[figuring it's a gun, shouts... ] THIS IS IT!

[Buddy, Sally and Rob dive for the floor]

Max Calvada:
Kenneth Dexter's my nephew. He's my sister Sylvia's boy.

Rob Petrie:
You have a sister?

Max Calvada:
Well, sure. She's a college graduate. And it's Kenneth's ambition to go into show business - as a comedian.

Bernard:
[deadpan] The kid breaks me up.

Rob Petrie:
I got a feeling if our jokes die, we're gonna go with them.

Laura Petrie:
You're not really THAT nervous, are you?

Rob Petrie:
Not nervous? When's the last time you saw me put on a tie to take a shower?

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, I got a feeling this kid's the worst comic since the history of show business.

Sally Rogers:
Wait a minute. Don't forget I saw YOU.

Buddy Sorrell:
I'm willing to bet you ten bucks he's worse than I ever was.

Sally Rogers:
I'll take that bet.

[They shake hands on it]

Kenny Dexter:
[entering, imitating James Cagney] All right, you dirty rats, just gimme the jokes, because I got a rod in my pocket, see, and it's curtains for you. It's a curtain rod.

[Sally glumly plants a ten dollar bill in Buddy's hand]

Kenny Dexter:
Well, people say I'm kind of a cross between Danny Kaye, Red Skelton and Sammy Davis Jr.

Buddy Sorrell:
This kid don't need an act. He needs a large dressing room.

Kenny Dexter:
Hey, you know, I'm glad you didn't write my act yet, see, 'cause I got some great ideas. Now, the way I see it, the act should open with a dark stage, then a drum roll - T-D-D-D-D-D-D - then the spotlight hits me, and there I am in my white tuxedo!

Buddy Sorrell:
What a target!

Rob Petrie:
Oh, you sing, huh, Kenny?

Kenny Dexter:
Yeah, I've been taking voice lessons for three and a half weeks.

Sally Rogers:
He's ready, then.

Kenny Dexter:
What is this, an audience or a jury?

Max Calvada:
Uh, Mrs. Petrie, I've taken the liberty of arranging for your transportation home because these folks have to stay on with me for a little business discussion.

Rob Petrie:
Well, here-here? Tonight?

Max Calvada:
Right now while the memory of Kenneth's debut is still fresh in our mind.

Rob Petrie:
[realizing] Big Max Calvada...

Sally Rogers:
I, uh, wonder why he's waitin' to see you.

Rob Petrie:
[with growing dread] Because I TOLD him to wait.

[Nervously, Rob tries to discuss working for Max Calvada privately with Buddy and Sally while Max stands nearby very obviously listening to them]

Rob Petrie:
[fearing for their lives] Hey, Sal, whadda you think?

Sally Rogers:
Well, um, er, gosh, Rob. I-I-I don't know. What do you think, Buddy?

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh, sh - sure. I agree with Rob.

Rob Petrie:
Well, there's... uh, there's one thing we... another... that we got to consider is money, you know, because we already have a job.

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, The Alan Brady Show.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, we... we've got an exclu... exclusive contract.

Sally Rogers:
Yeah.

Rob Petrie:
That's right.

Max Calvada:
That could be worked out.

Rob Petrie:
Of course, I imagine that could be worked out.

Sally Rogers:
I think so.

Buddy Sorrell:
I imagine Mr. Calvada knows Alan Brady.

Max Calvada:
He knows ME.

Rob Petrie:
And I suppose that, uh, Alan knows him, too.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, sure.

Rob Petrie:
Then there's the matter of money. We're gonna have to charge an awful lot of money.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah.

Sally Rogers:
A fortune. Don't forget, there's three of us.

Buddy Sorrell:
We get a lot of loot for three. Right.

Max Calvada:
Money is no object.

Rob Petrie:
I would imagine the money's probably no object.

Max Calvada:
He's openin' at the Diamond Club.

Sally Rogers:
The Diamond Club?

Rob Petrie:
Uh, you weren't, uh, thinking of opening Kenny at the Diamond Club, were you?

Max Calvada:
Who's not thinkin' of it?

Rob Petrie:
Mr. Calvada, I... I tell you, the Diamond Spot is-is one of the-the top spots around, and-and Kenny... Well, I mean, gifted as he may be, is-is an unknown.

Max Calvada:
[not to be argued with] I know 'im. And coincidentally, the performer who is currently appearing there... took sick - next week.

Rob Petrie:
The world is not ready for a bald Tarzan.

Rob Petrie:
[to Sally] Who'd you meet at lunch?

Buddy Sorrell:
[interjecting a name] Paul Tinkelman!

Sally Rogers:
Who?

Buddy Sorrell:
I guess you didn't meet him.

Sally Rogers:
I met a very dear friend of yours, Rob.

Rob Petrie:
Who?

Buddy Sorrell:
Male or female?

Sally Rogers:
Male. Very, very male.

Buddy Sorrell:
Very, very male and he's married.

Sally Rogers:
Yeah. How'd you know he was married?

Buddy Sorrell:
Because if he was very, very male and very single, you'd still be eatin' lunch.

Rob Petrie:
Everybody in the Army had to fight three fights.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, that's right. The Germans, the Japanese and the Italians.

Sol Pomerantz:
[to Laura] Well, he can't take you on a picnic this Sunday. He's going to be fighting.

Sol Pomerantz:
[to Rob] What're you doin' Sunday, Rob?

Laura Petrie:
Rob?

Sol Pomerantz:
Champ.

Laura Petrie:
Darling.

Rob Petrie:
Well, um... uh... Well, on a... on a... going on a picnic. Or I'm gonna fight.

Laura Petrie:
Which?

Rob Petrie:
Well, I... Whatever I decide, I'm gonna be fightin' with SOMEBODY. I can see THAT.

Buddy Sorrell:
Sally, you know somethin', you're too good a nag to be single.

Sally Rogers:
Is that a compliment?

Buddy Sorrell:
I hope not.

Rob Petrie:
You know something, Laura? You're no Lilli Palmer.

Rob Petrie:
There's not a Lilli Palmer among ya.

Millie Helper:
You know what I'm thinking?

Rob Petrie:
Uh, Freddie would be good for the part.

Millie Helper:
I think so, too!

Ritchie Petrie:
I'm gonna wear a chocolate soda?

[Rob decides to rewrite his script for two kids, giving some lines to Ritchie]

Rob Petrie:
I better make sure they have equal parts.

Laura Petrie:
Well, no, they don't have to be exactly equal.

Rob Petrie:
Oh. Um, you mean Ritchie could have a couple more, huh?

Laura Petrie:
Well, you are his father.

Rob Petrie:
Yeah, well, I don't want you to become his stage mother.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob!

Buddy Sorrell:
[suggesting a line] "Drive the Tarantula 8 and see what the well-dressed pedestrian will be dodging next year."

Rob Petrie:
That's good except I don't think Ritchie would say a thing like that.

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, why not?

Rob Petrie:
Well, an eight-year-old mind wouldn't come up with something that clever.

Sally Rogers:
[indicating Buddy] Oh, I don't know. His eight-year-old mind thought of it.

Sally Rogers:
Look, if I thought you were gonna use relatives on the show, I'd have made a pitch for my cat.

Buddy Sorrell:
Your cat? Well, he's a nice-lookin' cat but he's no Cary Grant.

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, but could Cary Grant catch mice?

Buddy Sorrell:
[giving it a thought] I think so.

Sally Rogers:
How do you like directing, Mel.

Mel Cooley:
Well, if things weren't so hectic I might say I'd found my niche.

Buddy Sorrell:
Why don't you scratch it.

Laura Petrie:
Well, listen, darling, I don't want to say anything...

Rob Petrie:
Good. That's a perfect start right there.

Jerry Helper:
But really, Rob, this stuff was priceless.

Rob Petrie:
Yeah. It isn't worth anything.

Laura Petrie:
A minute ago you said you liked tuna casserole.

Rob Petrie:
A minute ago I had a motorcycle.

Sally Rogers:
Look, whatever possessed you to buy a motorcycle?

Rob Petrie:
They're economical. You get great gas mileage on 'em.

Sally Rogers:
Sure. The ride back is always in the ambulance.

Laura Petrie:
...You broke a promise.

Rob Petrie:
What promise?

Laura Petrie:
To take back the motorcycle.

Rob Petrie:
I-I-I didn't promise.

Laura Petrie:
Well, what was it then?

Rob Petrie:
I-I just insinuated.

Laura Petrie:
All right, then you broke your insinuation.

Rob Petrie:
You can't break an insinuation.

Laura Petrie:
You can when it's a promise.

Laura Petrie:
I know what you're thinking.

Rob Petrie:
All right, what am I thinking?

Laura Petrie:
You know.

Rob Petrie:
Was I jealous when you got a new washing machine?

Laura Petrie:
Who's Doris?

Rob Petrie:
Doris is a girl I was with. She kept me out of trouble, honey.

Laura Petrie:
You, uh... think so, huh?

Laura Petrie:
How's your headache?

Rob Petrie:
Well, I took a couple of aspirins. It's all gone except for the pain.

Rob Petrie:
I've got to go back to the office and tell Buddy and Sally I lost the script, and I want you with me.

Laura Petrie:
Me? Why?

Rob Petrie:
Because they won't hit me in front of my wife.

Sally Rogers:
Boy, I'm telling you, Buddy, that's what I like about you. Through thick and thin, you're never there.

Buddy Sorrell:
[as Mel enters] Hey, speaking of nothing, look who's here.

Mel Cooley:
[about Buddy] You know the trouble with him? One day he's here, and the next day he's here.

Hobo #2:
Hey, hey, hey, fella. You, got a little somethin' for a needy bum?

Rob Petrie:
[mistaking the guy for his contact] I sure have. You want me to put the money in the garbage can?

Hobo #2:
Oh, you'd really like to take away my last shred of dignity, wouldn't you?

Rob Petrie:
[under arrest] Wait a minute! My bum's comin'! He's expecting me!

Rob Petrie:
When Mel comes in here, I want to take the blame.

Buddy Sorrell:
No, no, come on, come on. We'll ALL take the blame. We'll... we'll each take fifty percent of the blame.

Sally Rogers:
That's three halves there.

Buddy Sorrell:
So forget my half.

Mel Cooley:
[seeing a bum leave the office] Who was THAT?

Buddy Sorrell:
Mel, that's you in two years.

Rob Petrie:
Boy, you're pretty perky. You must have got a good night's sleep, huh?

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, slept like a log. I must've. I woke up this morning, I was in the fireplace.

Buddy Sorrell:
You know what's the matter with you guys? You laugh faster than the speed of sound.

Laura Petrie:
Let me put it this way: I have a happy, semiwell-adjusted husband who comes home and greets me with a smile and a kiss - and I'd rather have that than all the money in the world.

Rob Petrie:
Yeah?

Laura Petrie:
Yeah. So how about a smile?

[Rob flashes a toothy smile]

Laura Petrie:
And a kiss?

[they kiss]

Laura Petrie:
That's what I want.

Rob Petrie:
Hey - I didn't realize I was such a great smiler and kisser!

[sits down on the bar stool by the kitchen counter]

Laura Petrie:
[leans her head on her elbows, looks at Rob at eye level and purrs like a cat] R-r-r-rr-rrr - rrrrr-rr-r.

[smiles]

Sally Rogers:
[to Buddy] Well, it's just like my mother always says: The sun isn't always shining just because there are sparrows.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
What's that supposed to mean?

Sally Rogers:
I don't know, but ain't it pretty?

[Mel has told Rob and Sally, after Buddy had been transferred to a different TV studio, that they can use another third writer for their team besides Buddy]

Rob Petrie:
Doggone, if only Buddy hadn't been so nasty.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, he couldn't have been nastier if he made a living at it.

Rob Petrie:
[thinking] Make a living at it?

[He brightens up]

Rob Petrie:
Sally, that's it! Let's hire somebody nastier than Buddy.

Sally Rogers:
I thought Jack the Ripper was dead.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[on releasing Buddy from his contract with "The Alan Brady Show"] Buddy, I cherish this moment. Never in my entire life have I been happier to say goodbye to anyone. Goodbye forever.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Mel, in the... many years of our association, I know I've said a lot of unkind things about your bald head. And... I'm sorry I didn't mention the rest of your ugly puss.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
One last yecch!

Jackie Brewster:
For the last couple of years, I've been translating the works of Shakespeare into Pig Latin.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[giving Jackie his hand] My hand.

Jackie Brewster:
Really? Is that your hand? Why, it looks more like five fat worms.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
I beg your pardon?

Jackie Brewster:
Why? You can't help it if you have worm fingers.

[Rob begins dictating a fraudulent letter of dis-recommendation to get Buddy fired by Alan Brady]

Rob Petrie:
Dear Mel: There's a situation concerning the writing staff which I believe merits your attention.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Wait a minute, you're too polite! D-d... You gotta louse me up more!

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
Yes. What you need is some good honest hatred. I'll dictate it: During the past season, Buddy Sorrel has not contributed one idea, joke or fresh thought.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Beautiful. Hey, Sal, tell 'im about how I lay, you now, sleep on the couch all day, that I'm always comin' in late and everything, you know.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[continuing] He has been distracting Sally Rogers and myself, and what was once a serviceable talent has deteriorated into an office clown.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Wonderful! Curly, if I ever want to get sent to the chair, you're gonna be my lawyer.

Sally Rogers:
[to Rob] Suppose Mel recognizes him? He might have seen him in a nightclub.

Jackie Brewster:
Heh! Don't worry about that, Sal. You know what happens when they introduce me in a nightclub? The guy comes out and says, "Here's Jackie Brewster," and the whole audience says, "Who's he?" I mean, more people know me as Who's He than Jackie Brewster.

Sally Rogers:
I don't think Mel's been ANYplace.

Jackie Brewster:
Well, how'd he get to be a big TV producer?

Sally Rogers:
Easy. He married the star's sister.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[referring to Jackie] Well, who's he?

Jackie Brewster:
See, he knows me already.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
I, uh, I don't believe I know your work. What have you done?

Jackie Brewster:
About what?

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
Look, look, do you know who I am?

Jackie Brewster:
Don't you know who you are?

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[yelling] GET ME BUDDY!

Rob Petrie:
Well, what kind of a guy would I be if I went back on my word?

Buddy Sorrell:
My kind of guy.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, would you just think what we could get with one million pennies?

Rob Petrie:
Copper poisoning?

Rob Petrie:
When did, uh, Mr. Potter say he'd be back?

Secretary:
Well, with him you never know. He's a real operator.

Rob Petrie:
Yeah, I know. I'm one of his operations.

Alan Brady:
[Talking to his toupee stands] Fellas? There she is. There's the little lady who put you out of business.

Alan Brady:
Shut up, Mel.

Mel Cooley:
Yes, sir.

Rob Petrie:
What is long and yellow and seldom rings?

Buddy Sorrell:
An unlisted banana.

Johnny Patrick:
Petrie, Petrie... Is your husband in television?

Laura Petrie:
Yes, he is.

Johnny Patrick:
I thought that name was familiar. Ladies and gentlemen, this little lady happens to be married to one of the most talented men in our business.

Laura Petrie:
Thank you. I think he is.

Johnny Patrick:
The producer of that fantastic show "The World in Trouble" - Dave Petrie.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, no.

Johnny Patrick:
Oh, I'm sorry. He's not producing that show anymore.

Laura Petrie:
No, he's not my husband.

Johnny Patrick:
Oh, well, I didn't mean to let the cat out of the bag.

Laura Petrie:
No, no, he never was.

Johnny Patrick:
OH!

Johnny Patrick:
Have you ever been to Alan Brady's house?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, yes.

Johnny Patrick:
Uh-huh. Does he wear his toupee at home?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, golly, yes. He wears it all the time.

Johnny Patrick:
You mean that Alan Brady is really BALD?

Laura Petrie:
Rob's home. Listen, Millie, would you stay with me?

Millie Helper:
I wish you hadn't asked me that.

Laura Petrie:
Why?

Millie Helper:
'Cause you're not gonna like my answer: Goodbye and good luck.

Laura Petrie:
Aw, Millie...

Laura Petrie:
I didn't know Alan had a nose job.

Rob Petrie:
No, up till now it was a secret.

Rob Petrie:
Wait a minute. You're mad at me for not telling you a secret right in the middle of an argument where I'm mad at you for tellin' a secret.

Laura Petrie:
I'm not sure.

Rob Petrie:
Has any man ever lost his job because of his wife?

Buddy Sorrell:
What was the name of Marie Antoinette's husband, the guy with no head?

Sally Rogers:
She's here.

Rob Petrie:
Where?

Sally Rogers:
I don't know where, but I saw her get into the elevator.

Rob Petrie:
The elevator?

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, that little room in the lobby that goes up and down.

Laura Petrie:
Well, I remember telling Rob, and I told him to tell you - d... did he ever tell you? - because I told him to tell you how very nice and natural and warm you look that way.

Alan Brady:
Sure, like a father figure, right?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, no! No, Alan, just the opposite.

Alan Brady:
A bald mother figure?

Alan Brady:
[presenting all his various toupees] What we... what... what do you say... what do you suggest I do with all of these now, huh?

Laura Petrie:
Well, there must be some... needy bald people.

Alan Brady:
NEEDY BALD PEOPLE!

Rob Petrie:
Uh, Alan, whatever you were gonna say to Laura, I would rather you said to me.

Alan Brady:
Okay, Rob. If that's the way you want it: Rob, you're a beautiful girl.

Laura Petrie:
[relieved now that all turned out well] Maybe I ought to go on television and tell 'em about your nose.

Alan Brady:
[to Rob, alarmed about a second secret getting out] You told her about my nose?

Laura Petrie:
Nothing. I know n... Ask Rob. I've always said I liked you without your nose. No!

Rob Petrie:
She loves it.

Alan Brady:
Did you tell her about my capped teeth?

Laura Petrie:
Mm-mm.

Rob Petrie:
You've got capped teeth?

Alan Brady:
NO!

[Millie and Laura can't decide on how to divide the prizes won on Pay As You Go!, so Rob steps in]

Rob Petrie:
There are four prizes, right, Millie? You pick a number between one and ten.

Millie Helper:
Ooo, uh, nine.

Rob Petrie:
All right. Laura?

Laura Petrie:
Three.

Rob Petrie:
Three, all right. Uh, what's your favorite tree?

Millie Helper:
Weeping willow.

Rob Petrie:
Weeping willow.

Laura Petrie:
The mighty oak.

Rob Petrie:
All right, your favorite planet.

Laura Petrie:
Earth.

Millie Helper:
She took my planet.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Millie!

Millie Helper:
Okay, give me Pluto.

Rob Petrie:
Okay. Now that makes you a nine-willow-pluto, and that makes you a ten-oak-earth, so that means, Millie, that you get the dryer - right? - and the vacuum, and Laura gets rotisserie and a projector. That's it.

Millie Helper:
Wonderful.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, how did you arrive at that?

Rob Petrie:
Well, what's the difference? We did it.

[Rob exits smiling slyly to himself, leaving Millie and Laura confounded]

Rob Petrie:
[on the phone] Charlie? Hi. Listen, I want... Would you like to do anything tonight? You pick... You would? Great, Charlie. Uh, would you like to go to a movie or go bowling? Bowling it is. Great. Hey, listen, I'll pick you up, Charlie. You still live over on North Roxman Drive? I'll pick you up... What do you mean you don't live on Roxman Drive? Do you... Is this Charlie Mandel? Oh, heck no. I'm sorry. I'd... I seem to have a wrong number. Does this, uh... Does that mean you won't go out with me?

Laura Petrie:
Rob, I don't like to see you taking the blame for someone else. And, besides, I don't want to see your name on some police bladder.

Rob Petrie:
[talking to himself] I wonder if it's bad talkin' to yourself when you're alone.

Rob Petrie:
[answering himself] A lot better than talkin' to yourself when you're NOT alone.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, not that cannon! Will you stop jumpin' the gun?

Maureen Core:
You gonna see the next show?

Rob Petrie:
Well, I might. I'd like to see Benny Joey...

Maureen Core:
Well, come on. He's in my dressing room.

Rob Petrie:
In your dre... Uh, d'I... Maybe I can come back a little later.

Maureen Core:
Oh, it'll be all right. Everybody ends up in my dressing room.

Rob Petrie:
You've done the Stevie Parsons show a dozen times. Why are you suddenly afraid?

Sally Rogers:
I know, Rob, but I've used up all my best stories.

Buddy Sorrell:
So dazzle 'em with your beauty.

Sally Rogers:
Ah, thanks, Buddy. I don't need flattery. I need a joke.

Buddy Sorrell:
That WAS a joke.

Sally Rogers:
Not a man. It's Herman Glimscher.

Sally Rogers:
I'll advertise for a husband on television. Funny?

Rob Petrie:
Well, I... I... That's not what Buddy... That's not...

Rob Petrie:
[to Buddy] You didn't mean THAT, did you?

Buddy Sorrell:
If it's funny, I meant it.

Stevie Parsons:
Are the fellas all still chasing you around?

Sally Rogers:
Well, I don't wanna say anything, but coming down on the subway, I had to change my seat five times.

Stevie Parsons:
Some guy got fresh with you?

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, finally.

Sally Rogers:
Men, I wanna tell you about an exciting new product - me!

Stevie Parsons:
That's, uh... that's-that's not a new product.

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, that's why I'm trying to get it off the shelf.

Sally Rogers:
Fellas, if you're dull, uninteresting, unattractive, chances are we've already met; but, if you're of voting age - better make that twice voting age...

Stevie Parsons:
Yes.

Sally Rogers:
...and if you still haven't found the ideal girl, why don't you give up and try me? Just sit down and write yourself a marriage proposal and send it to S.O.S. - that's me, Sweet Old Sal - care of this program. All proposals will be judged impartially by one - me.

Sally Rogers:
Hey, did you fellas see a sack of mail?

[Mel enters]

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, will you settle for a tub of lard?

Mel Cooley:
I hope you didn't say anything offensive.

Buddy Sorrell:
Just your name.

Mel Cooley:
You know, you couldn't be replaced.

Buddy Sorrell:
Why not?

Mel Cooley:
Because I don't know what you are.

Rob Petrie:
[as Sally begins sorting through her sack of mail] Whoa! You're not gonna read 'em NOW?

Sally Rogers:
Whoa, you're not gonna try and stop me, are you? My future may be in this bag.

Buddy Sorrell:
That's what I said the first time I saw my wife.

Herman Glimscher:
What's that, the mail?

Sally Rogers:
No, it's confetti with a thyroid condition.

Rob Petrie:
Yeah, I guess after midnight bad taste becomes sophisticated.

Buddy Sorrell:
You wanna know what she did? She's no good - that's what she did.

Laura Petrie:
You mean Buddy's serious?

Rob Petrie:
Serious? Honey, I sat with him for five hours. There was a bald bartender; he didn't make one crack.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, it just doesn't make any sense. I mean, we were with them last night, and Buddy was insulting Pickles, and she was screaming and yelling at him and everything was perfectly normal.

Laura Petrie:
You said to Buddy that his wife was deceitful and dishonest?

Rob Petrie:
Ye... Well, you should've heard HIS description of her.

Laura Petrie:
Darling, he can say all the nasty things he wants to about her. She's his wife.

Rob Petrie:
[over the phone] Hey, Buddy, what's the matter with you? You all right?

Buddy Sorrell:
[groggy] Sleepin' pills.

Rob Petrie:
[to Laura] He took sleepin' pills.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob!

Rob Petrie:
Buddy?

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah.

Rob Petrie:
Buddy, listen to me: How many did you take?

Buddy Sorrell:
[ever the jokester] Not enough.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, Buddy is my best friend and she is the one that drove him to Dozy Doodles.

[Uttering the line made famous by Mart Tyler Moore's Laura]

Pickles Sorrell:
Ohh, Rob!

Rob Petrie:
Honey! What makes you think that a short, bare-fisted punch delivered by an enraged husband at point blank range to an naked eye would hurt a fella any?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
How are you, Jer?

Jerry Helper:
Oh, I'm all right, I got off cheap. Just a sprained wrist. What'd the doctor say you had?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Same thing, it's a, uh, sprain.

Jerry Helper:
A sprained what?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
A sprained body.

Jerry Helper:
A sprained body? I never heard of a sprained body before.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well that's what I got.

Jerry Helper:
Well, where does it hurt?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[Slowly pointing to the left side of his upper lip] You see that?

Jerry Helper:
Yeah...

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
It's the only place it doesn't hurt.

Laura Petrie:
Darling, I told you that I don't mind you're going. Now what more can I say?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, just once I would like to hear you say it like you really meant it.

Laura Petrie:
Do I give you the impression that I don't mean it?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Very, very clearly.

Laura Petrie:
Well, I'm sorry, then I'll try to say it more convincingly: I don't mind that you and Jerry are going skiing this weekend, and I hope you both have a wonderful time.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
All right. Boy, if you feel THAT way, I'll just stay home then.

Laura Petrie:
If Rob fell off that mountain, I was the one who pushed him.

Millie Helper:
Laura?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, yes! I pushed my husband off a mountain. If he broke anything it'll be MY FAULT.

Laura Petrie:
Millie, when he left here, he was pretty angry. He might break a leg just to cause me pain.

Millie Helper:
Laura, Rob LOVES you. He'd rather cut off an arm than break a leg to cause you pain.

Laura Petrie:
Millie, if he fell off a mountain and they ever find him, I'll never speak to him again.

[a repeated sentiment]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
DON'T TOUCH ME!

[a repeated sentiment]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
...I have got to learn to do these things for myself.

Jerry Helper:
[after Rob concludes his phone call] Boy, Rob, you know, you were pretty rough on her. Are you really that angry with Laura?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[physically sore all over] No, I'm not, but I want her to think I am.

Jerry Helper:
Why?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
If she makes up with me immediately, she's gonna wanna hug me.

Jerry Helper:
Oh, I see.

Jerry Helper:
Good night, Rob. And good luck hiding the body.

Millie Helper:
If I don't get home by twelve, I turn into a... I don't know what I turn into. I'm always home by twelve.

Laura Petrie:
Boy, I never thought you'd admit you like art better than World War I.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, what... what do you want?

Laura Petrie:
Rob, I just want what YOU want. Now, what do you want?

Rob Petrie:
Well, what YOU want.

Laura Petrie:
Me, too.

Rob Petrie:
Well, good.

Valerie Ware:
I'm gonna go change into something more comfortable.

Rob Petrie:
Uh-oh.

Laura Petrie:
Well, I guess he isn't as promising as he looks, huh?

Valerie Ware:
Not nearly.

Laura Petrie:
But then that depends on who's doing the looking.

Buddy Sorrell:
[Mel walks in] How do you like that? We're looking for a finish - here he is.

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, maybe I'll buy some cufflinks for my wife, Pickles.

Sally Rogers:
You buy cufflinks for your wife?

Buddy Sorrell:
Sure, so she can give 'em to me for my birthday.

Sally Rogers:
You always pick out your own birthday present?

Buddy Sorrell:
No, I'm going to leave it up to HER warped opinion. Look what she picked for a husband.

[Mel's cousin, Max, offers to sell jewelry to the writing staff]

Maxwell Cooley:
All of our prices are 30% BELOW store prices.

Mel Cooley:
You see, Maxwell doesn't have any overhead.

Buddy Sorrell:
[observing their bald heads as they lean in] Kind of runs in the family, don't it, Curly?

Mel Cooley:
[to Max] Hey, look, I'll leave you here. I've got a lot of work to do.

Buddy Sorrell:
[to Mel] Yeah, the wastepaper baskets are all filled.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, don't worry about our credit. Ask the hundreds of people we owe money to.

Buddy Sorrell:
[heading off for lunch] Would you care to join me in a bowl of clam chowder?

Sally Rogers:
Well, do you think there's room in there for two of us?

Laura Petrie:
You'll have to forgive me if I seem a bit dense, your majesty, but you see I've been busy scrubbing the palace floors all day and doing the king's laundry and, um... What are you talking about?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob!

Ritchie Petrie:
A genuine rock? Oh, boy! Thanks!

Sam Petrie:
All that happiness for just a rock? What does he do when you bring him a present?

Rob Petrie:
Exactly the same thing, just as long as I bring him something. I got him trained that way. Matter of fact, I got his momma trained the same way. You should have seen the big kiss I got last night.

Sam Petrie:
You brought her a rock, too?

[while on the phone with Laura, Rob and his staff try to reschedule Rob some time away from the office the following day]

Sally Rogers:
Way can't we have tomorrow's meeting today?

Rob Petrie:
Good idea.

Buddy Sorrell:
We can't. We're having yesterday's meeting today.

Sally Rogers:
Rob, why can't we have tomorrow's meeting yesterday and yesterday's meeting the day after tomorrow?

Rob Petrie:
That's possible.

Rob Petrie:
[on the phone to Laura] Look, honey...

Buddy Sorrell:
Wait a minute. We can't.

Rob Petrie:
[on the phone to Laura] Hold it, honey.

Sally Rogers:
Why?

Buddy Sorrell:
'Cause I get my hair cut on Friday.

Sally Rogers:
Why can't you get your hair cut on Thursday?

Buddy Sorrell:
I GROW it on Thursday.

Rob Petrie:
[on the phone to Laura] Honey, look, tell him we'll arrange it somehow, even if I have to cut Buddy's hair personally.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh, no you don't. Nobody cuts my hair but my gardener.

Sally Rogers:
Gardener? No wonder his head looks like crabgrass.

Rob Petrie:
What's the problem?

Laura Petrie:
Well, it's this Father of the Week thing. Ritchie's upset about it.

Rob Petrie:
Well, didn't you tell him I'll be there?

Laura Petrie:
Mm-hm. That's why he's upset.

Rob Petrie:
Course that's a pretty big honor, isn't it, Ritch - Father of the Week?

Ritchie Petrie:
No. All the fathers were it already.

Rob Petrie:
I see. I'm the... I'm the, uh, last father to be it, huh?

Ritchie Petrie:
Uh-huh. Next week they start mothers.

Rob Petrie:
A lion bit me?

Buddy Sorrell:
Wait a minute. Shh. I think I hear him coming.

Sally Rogers:
Who's coming?

Buddy Sorrell:
Mel.

Rob Petrie:
How do you know it's Mel?

Buddy Sorrell:
The footsteps. It's either Mel or Frankenstein.

[Mel enters]

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, we lose. It's Mel.

Mel Cooley:
People, I've got great news.

Buddy Sorrell:
The Harvard Medical School found a way to get your scalp into a bottle.

Mel Cooley:
I thought you'd be excited, Rob.

Rob Petrie:
Why, I am, I am, but I just got the weirdest feeling.

Buddy Sorrell:
[pointing to Mel] I do, too, but it'll go away when he does.

Buddy Sorrell:
A good comedy writer is worth his weight in sour cream.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, don't wrinkle the table.

Rob Petrie:
I'm just a writer. I don't know anything about human dignity.

Mel Cooley:
Well, I hope you've got something to do this summer, because Alan's just gonna loaf.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh, he's takin' YOUR job, huh?

Mel Cooley:
Well, I CERTAINLY won't miss YOU this summer!

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, I'm gettin' a .38, and I ain't gonna miss you, either.

Mel Cooley:
Yuck.

[Rob, Laura, Jerry and Millie are playing bridge when Rob discovers he's forgotten to order 44 tickets]

Rob Petrie:
I'll bid, uh, four no tickets.

Jerry Helper:
"Four no tickets"?

Rob Petrie:
Did I say that?

[laughs]

Rob Petrie:
I meant 44 no trump, or, uh... 44 no tickets.

[laughs again]

Rob Petrie:
Oh, bad... Let me say that again. Uh, by'uh, four no trump.

Jerry Helper:
Neighbor, do you really think you're gonna make four no trump?

Rob Petrie:
I bet a lot easier than I'm going to make 44 no tickets. Let's play tickets!

Jerry Helper:
[kicked under the table by Laura] Ow!

Jerry Helper:
[to Rob] I got another message for you.

Rob Petrie:
[kicked under the table by Jerry] Ow! Let's play cards!

[Rob has forgotten to get tickets for the PTA to visit his TV show's studio]

Millie Helper:
You haven't forgotten about the PTA coming to your studio?

Rob Petrie:
[stammering] Well...

Jerry Helper:
[Laura kicks Jerry under the table] Ouch! I think she meant this for you.

Rob Petrie:
[Jerry kicks Rob under the table] OW!

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
[seeing Mel] Hey, look who's here: Friar Tuck!

[Mel has given Rob six tickets but Rob can't help noticing Mel holds many more in his hand]

Rob Petrie:
Are, uh... are all those others spoken for?

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
Loudly and clearly. These are for the employees of the United Nations.

Rob Petrie:
Well, Mel, couldn't you just let me have a few of 'em? Just, say, the ones you're holding for the less friendly nations?

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
Come now, Rob. You wouldn't want me to create an international situation just because of your PTA?

Rob Petrie:
Sure I would.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[laughs] I know you're just joshing.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
[sarcastically appraising a lame sketch idea] It's a riot.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
How would you know, Curly?

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
[to Rob] Will you please tell this person that I was not hired for this job to be the butt of his jokes?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Hey, whose jokes were you hired to be the butt of?

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
[to Buddy] Yecch!

Laura Petrie:
How could you forget 44 tickets?

Rob Petrie:
Easy.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Robert!

Rob Petrie:
What do you mean, "Oh, Robert"? I could just as well say "Oh, Laura!"

Laura Petrie:
You're not gonna try to blame ME for your forgetfulness?

Rob Petrie:
Well, honey, you could've at least reminded me.

Laura Petrie:
You JUST last night made a big speech about not reminding Rich. Do you or do you NOT like reminders?

Rob Petrie:
Well, only when I forget.

Rob Petrie:
Don't tell me you forgot our Wednesday night bridge game with Jerry and Millie?

Laura Petrie:
Well, I...

Rob Petrie:
Uh-HUH! Ya DID forget! So he's "forgetful like his daddy," huh?

Laura Petrie:
Darling, our bridge date is for tomorrow.

Rob Petrie:
Tomorrow? What's today?

Laura Petrie:
Tuesday.

Mrs. Billings:
Well, I'm no expert, but I do know what I like, and I DON'T like it when Mr. Brady, your star, comes out and tells those jokes.

Rob Petrie:
B... uh, which jokes? He tells 'em on every show.

Mrs. Billings:
Yes. I don't like that.

Rob Petrie:
Uh, yes, you, uh, don't think those are funny?

Mrs. Billings:
[chuckles] Do YOU?

Rob Petrie:
Uh, well...

Mrs. Billings:
Oh, I know, you can't really say what you think.

Rob Petrie:
I-I-I COULD, but I don't dare.

Rob Petrie:
[to his coworkers about his PTA dilemma] Any ideas, you guys?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Yeah...

[snaps fingers]

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
I got it! I got an idea!

Sally Rogers:
Beginner's luck.

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Don't make jokes. This is on the level, this'll solve the whole problem for you. You get the whole neighborhood together, put 'em on a chartered bus and drive 'em down to the studio.

Rob Petrie:
How does that solve the problem?

Maurice B. 'Buddy' Sorrell:
Easy, you get a drunken bus driver and he crashes into a lamppost.

Sally Rogers:
I got a better idea: get a sober driver, have him hijack the bus and fly it out of the country.

Rob Petrie:
Thanks a lot, you guys, you've been a big help. I'm desperate and you're making jokes.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, come on, Rob, it's only the PTA.

Rob Petrie:
Only the PTA? You know what the PTA stands for? Three things that I respect - and fear: parents, teachers and associations!

Rob Petrie:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like for you to meet the charming producer of The Alan Brady Show, Mr. Mel Cooley.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
[brusquely] NOT NOW, ROB - I'VE GOT A PROBLEM!

Sally Rogers:
[to Rob] You mean to say you're gonna let 34 people get all dressed up, hire sitters, drive into town just to tell them they have to drive back home, take off their clothes and unhire the sitters?

Rob Petrie:
Will you please not be so graphic? Let's just say I need 34 tickets.

[Rob, whose sneezing has woken up Laura, gets out of the bed and heads out of the bedroom]

Laura Petrie:
Where're you going?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I'm gonna go to the den and get some sleep!

Laura Petrie:
No, you're not. You're going there to sneeze thoughts that I can't hear!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I am going to go to the den to get some sleep so that you don't have to stay up all night saying...

[sneezes again]

Laura Petrie:
Gesundheit!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[in his sleep] Mama, make... make Papa mow the ragweed.

Jerry Helper:
Well, Rob, I'm not a psychiatrist, but didn't you notice that every time you lost a game you sneezed?

Laura Petrie:
Well, I lost too, Jerry, and I'm not sneezing.

Jerry Helper:
Yeah, but, Honey, you don't take defeat as emotionally as Rob. You see, he's suppressing his anger and that anger had to go someplace.

Millie Helper:
So it came out his nose?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[angrily] I am not gonna discuss it any further. I love you - and that is IT!

Laura Petrie:
You ARE angry with me.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Laura, how did you figure that?

Laura Petrie:
THAT was a hostile sneeze.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
It feels like I'm allergic to SOMETHING.

Laura Petrie:
To marriage, perhaps? To me?

Laura Petrie:
Did you have fun with Freddy today?

Ritchie Petrie:
Yeah, we made a new club. I'm the president.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, so you're the main one.

Ritchie Petrie:
No, Freddy is. He's the king.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
My gosh, I didn't even have to blow my nose all day.

Laura Petrie:
THERE'S good news.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Honey, gimme a hug and a kiss.

Laura Petrie:
Not if you were the last man on Earth.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[as he starts chasing Laura around the kitchen] Well, I'm... do I... honey, I... it's not for pleasure.

Laura Petrie:
Thank you.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, huh... uh, sweetie, it's an experiment.

Laura Petrie:
[fleeing into the living room] Then go kiss a guinea pig!

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob...

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I think I'm allergic to Jerry.

Jerry Helper:
What?

Millie Helper:
You're not making any sense.

Millie Helper:
[to Laura] He's not making any sense.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Jerry, gimme a hug.

Jerry Helper:
A HUG!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Come on.

Jerry Helper:
No... Rob...

[Rob hugs Jerry]

Jerry Helper:
ROB...!

[Rob sneezes]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Oh. Oh, good, good. Oh... All right, Millie, you're next.

Millie Helper:
What?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Gimme a hug.

Millie Helper:
Laura!

Laura Petrie:
Do as he says.

Jerry Helper:
Hey!

Millie Helper:
Laura says I have to.

[Rob hugs Millie and sneezes]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Oh, boy, now we're gettin' somewhere!

Laura Petrie:
Rob, our son is a terrible liar.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
That's what I think.

Laura Petrie:
No, I mean he's a terrible liar. He doesn't tell lies well. I know when he IS lying, Rob, and he wasn't about this girl.

Laura Petrie:
I mean, being beaten up by a girl makes him a sissy, and who ever heard of a boy saying he was a sissy on purpose?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
A lot of guys in the army tried it.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, Ritchie is scared to go to school tomorrow.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Oh, he didn't tell me that.

Laura Petrie:
No, of course not. He tells you the brave things. When he's chicken, he talks to me.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Boy, people get mean when they're wet.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, uh, Mr. Darwell, out children have been fighting.

Ogden Darwell:
Fi... But, uh, your child is a male. I mean, he's a boy, isn't he?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, ye... my male is... is a boy. I have... a Ritchie. I have a... boy.

Ogden Darwell:
And they've been fighting?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Yes.

Ogden Darwell:
That's very odd. I mean, Pricilla hasn't come home hurt or anything.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, that's... that's because she's winning.

Buddy Sorrell:
Boy, I'd sure like to help you, Rob, but every time I think about that little girl beatin' up your kid, breaks me up.

Sally Rogers:
Breaks you up, eh, that a little girl can beat up a little boy?

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah.

Sally Rogers:
Kind of sense of humor is that?

Buddy Sorrell:
Perverted.

Sally Rogers:
D'you ever notice that when Buddy has absolutely nothing to say he usually says it?

Buddy Sorrell:
Gee, when I was a little boy, there was one girl beatin' me up all the time.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Really?

Buddy Sorrell:
My mother.

[Rob and Laura decide to give Ritchie permission to hit the girl who's been beating him up at school]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Call him out and tell him.

Laura Petrie:
Me? Why me?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, honey, it's a mother's place to tell a little boy to hit a girl.

Laura Petrie:
What makes it a mother's place?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
The father who tells the mother that it's her place.

Ritchie Petrie:
I never kissed a girl before.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, you kissed Mommy.

Ritchie Petrie:
That's not the same.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, yes it is.

Laura Petrie:
No, it isn't.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Don't confuse him, honey.

Rob Petrie:
You gonna do the whole wall for one little spot?

Laura Petrie:
Well, of course. There's no other way.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, that's like washing a whole shirt because the collar and cuffs are dirty.

Vito Giotto:
In fact, I would consider it an honor - not an honor, a privilege - if you would allow the brush of Vito Giotto to caress-a these-a magnificent walls. Please. Give me your walls.

Laura Petrie:
Somebody's been cooking in my kitchen.

Rob Petrie:
Somebody's been sitting in my chair. And somebody's been drinking out of my cup.

Rob Petrie:
He keeps tellin' me I'm the nicest man he ever met.

Laura Petrie:
I know. He tells me that, too.

Sally Rogers:
Well, I see Mel was pretty busy today. Boy, look at all these phone messages.

Rob Petrie:
How do you know Mel took the messages.

Sally Rogers:
Well, because they're in three neat piles: his, hers, its.

Rob Petrie:
What's wrong?

Laura Petrie:
Well, it seems that Ritchie has been giving lectures to the other children.

Rob Petrie:
What kind of lectures?

Laura Petrie:
On the facts of life.

Sally Rogers:
Listen, when my folks told me about the birds and bees, you know I couldn't look at a jar of honey without gettin' a rash.

Buddy Sorrell:
My folks told me some dopey story about flowers. I spent a week tryin' to get a kid brother out of a geranium.

[Ritchie gets a phone call from a girl classmate; Rob and Laura eavesdrop thinking he's now giving out information on human reproduction from home]

Ritchie Petrie:
Hi, Debbie. Huh? But I told you this morning. Weren't you listenin'? Oh, okay, but it's the last time I'm gonna tell ya. The whole thing takes two or three months. Huh? Yeah, I know Freddie had to wait almost a year, but that's 'cause his family don't eat any cereal.

Dr. Gormsley:
I'm awfully sorry I was late. I was in the principal's office.

Rob Petrie:
[grinning] The principal? What'd you do?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, yeah, listen, when I was Ritchie's age I was much younger.

Dr. Gormsley:
[reading Ritchie's version of reproduction] When a mommy and a daddy want a baby, they put a silver dollar under their pillow when they go to sleep at night.

Laura Petrie:
A silver dollar under their pillow?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, boy.

Dr. Gormsley:
And when they wake up and find the silver dollar is gone, they know that Mr. Cabbage has been there.

Laura Petrie:
Mr. Cabbage?

Dr. Gormsley:
Mr. Cabbage takes the silver dollar to Esmeralda the queen tomato, and in front of the other vegetables...

Dr. Gormsley and Rob:
[together]... three broccolis and a radish...

Rob Petrie:
[alone]... Esmeralda plants a baby seed in a magic garden saying, "Starlight, star bright, we're gonna grow a baby tonight."

Laura Petrie:
Rob!

Dr. Gormsley:
Then this IS familiar to you, Mr. Petrie.

Rob Petrie:
Oh, yeah, yeah. And on a... on a bright and sunny morning, nestled in a... in a nest of, uh, lettuce leaves, is a beautiful pink pumpkin.

Laura Petrie:
A pink pumpkin?

Rob Petrie:
Well, if it's a girl. Boys come in blue pumpkins.

Rob Petrie:
It's just that, Rich, there's a little confusion about what you're tellin' the kids at school; I'd like to clear it up if I can.

Ritchie Petrie:
Oh, you mean about the babies and all that stuff.

Laura Petrie:
Yeah, that... that's right, dear.

Ritchie Petrie:
But I didn't tell 'em what you told me not to tell.

Rob Petrie:
Well, who told you what to tell 'em?

Ritchie Petrie:
Nobody. I made it up.

Laura Petrie:
You made it up?

Ritchie Petrie:
Yeah. Grampa's story about Mr. Cabbage was silly.

Rob Petrie:
Well, right, right.

Ritchie Petrie:
And your story about the eggs and everything made a lot of sense.

Rob Petrie:
Of course it did.

Ritchie Petrie:
But you said I shouldn't tell that story to anybody.

Rob Petrie:
Right again.

Ritchie Petrie:
So I had to make one up.

Laura Petrie:
Well, why, Rich? Why did you have to make up ANY story?

Ritchie Petrie:
Because the kids like me to tell stories - and I'm good at it, like Daddy.

Rob Petrie:
How do you like THAT?

Ritchie Petrie:
What about bears?

Rob Petrie:
What about 'em?

Ritchie Petrie:
Don't they fall in love and get married?

Rob Petrie:
Well... y-yes, in a manner of speaking, they do, Rich.

Ritchie Petrie:
How about a fox and a rabbit?

Rob Petrie:
A fox and a rabbit. No. Uh, R... they can't, Rich. They can't. Certain, um... Rich, there're just certain animals that-that don't get along together. You see, it wouldn't... it wouldn't make sense for them to get married, see?

Ritchie Petrie:
How about Millie and Jerry? The got married.

Rob Petrie:
Well... that's a little different, uh, Rich. M-Millie and Jerry love each other, really. It's just they like to... to show it at the top of their lungs, that's all.

[Buddy, Sally and Rob try to devise a game show sketch for Alan Brady]

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, I got the game show! It-it's like "What's My Line?" only it's called "What Was This Fellow's Name Before He Changed It To What It Is Now, And Why Did He Change It, Do You Think?"

Sally Rogers:
Is that the title or the whole show?

Buddy Sorrell:
No, that's the idea of the thing. They bring a fellow in, they say "This man manufactures golf sweaters, and he calls him..." - you know, if he likes it - so "he calls himself Sam Golfsweater," cause he wants everyone to know he makes golf sweaters."

Sally Rogers:
All right, what was his name before he changed it?

Buddy Sorrell:
Al Paca!

Sally Rogers:
Get outta here.

Buddy Sorrell:
No, no...

Sally Rogers:
BUDDY!

Buddy Sorrell:
You'll like it. It'll grown on you.

Sally Rogers:
I don't want anything to grow on me!

Buddy Sorrell:
One-one-one more. One more. A girl lives in Pennsylvania, and she's so proud of her home state, she calls herself Patricia Pittsburgh.

Sally Rogers, Rob Petrie:
[together, with threatening fists] What was her name before she changed it?

Buddy Sorrell:
Phyllis Adelphia.

Sally Rogers:
[chasing him to the sofa] Ohh, Buddy!

Laura Petrie:
I'm trying to decide when to have Ritchie's birthday.

Rob Petrie:
I thought we decided that about eight years ago.

Rob Petrie:
Let's neck.

Laura Petrie:
Now quit kidding around.

Rob Petrie:
I'm not kidding around. I wanna neck.

Rob Petrie:
It is pretty bad, isn't it, when a kid's birthday party becomes a status symbol?

Rob Petrie:
Aw, what kind of a party would it be if they can't eat the house along WITH the volcano?

Laura Petrie:
Well, I guess I'll go in and start cleaning up now.

Sally Rogers:
Uh... you want some help?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, I'd love some.

Buddy Sorrell:
Put an ad in the paper.

Buddy Sorrell:
You know somethin'? We could never get my potatoes to race, and we used to whip 'em till the eyes would water.

Sally Rogers:
Rob, do you know that my cousin spent fifty bucks for a clown for a kid's birthday?

Buddy Sorrell:
You're kiddin'? We didn't even have a clown at my wedding.

Sally Rogers:
But sure you did. YOU were there.

Sally Rogers:
I got a head full of pins.

Rob Petrie:
It's better than marbles.

Sally Rogers:
Just gimme two seconds to make myself gorgeous.

[knock at the door]

Rob Petrie:
Your time's up.

Sally Rogers:
I'm gorgeous.

Harrison B. Harding:
You dog, you!

Rob Petrie:
You're really nuts about me, aren't ya?

Laura Petrie:
Not really, but Richie likes you and I hate to waste food.

Evelyn Harding:
Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Ritchie Petrie:
Not yet but someday I will. Daddy promised.

Rob Petrie:
[to Laura] I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

Rob Petrie:
[on the phone] Hello, Police Headquarter? Can you tell me where your prowl cars are? No, I mean do you have any up on the north end? Why? Well, I'd-I'd like to report a possible robbery. Maybe later this evening. No, it is not definite. No, sir, this is not a gag.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, you're being ridiculous.

Rob Petrie:
Captain, I can't talk now, my wife's bothering me.

Rob Petrie:
By gosh, you know something?

Harrison B. Harding:
What?

Rob Petrie:
I even know the nickname the guys gave you!

Harrison B. Harding:
I'll bet you don't!

Rob Petrie:
Harry the Horse!

Harrison B. Harding:
Ho-ho, you dog! Harry the Horse!

Ritchie Petrie:
Why did they call you that?

Rob Petrie:
Because he had a face...

Evelyn Harding:
...as big as a horse.

Harrison B. Harding:
I lost 57 pounds since then.

Evelyn Harding:
All from his face.

Harrison B. Harding:
Don't tease me, Evelyn.

Rob Petrie:
For going on my honeymoon, the United States Army was almost ready to court martial me.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob.

Millie Crumberbacher:
Oh, Laura.

Rob Petrie:
Oh, honey.

Sam Pomeroy:
Oh, boy.

Rob Petrie:
[to Sam] Look, I want to go on that honeymoon with Laura as much as you do.

Laura Petrie:
Uh, Rob...?

Laura Petrie:
Rob, I know you'll do the right thing, but... whatever it is, don't get caught, please.

Rob Petrie:
Could you direct me to the bridal suite?

Mrs. Campbell:
This is it, ace.

Buddy Sorrell:
Sounds like a fun honeymoon to me.

Sally Rogers:
Walking around with women's clothes on and wearing fake eyelashes sounds like a fun honeymoon to you?

Buddy Sorrell:
My wife did it on our honeymoon and I loved it.

Buddy Sorrell:
What? Do you LIKE to hear about rotten honeymoons?

Sally Rogers:
Well, sure. Since I may never get to go on one, I'd like to think I'm not missing anything.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
I wish I could hide.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Hey, quick, grow some hair.

[Mel enters]

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
There he is, folks, the poor man's nobody.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
I'm about at my wit's end!

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Well, that's a short trip.

Paula Marshall:
[seductively] Rob, I wasn't joking when I said I'd like you to produce for me.

Rob Petrie:
T'oh, well...

Paula Marshall:
You'd like to, wouldn't you?

Rob Petrie:
Well, it isn't that, Miss Marshall.

Paula Marshall:
"Miss Marshall" - why so formal?

Sally Rogers:
[aside to Buddy] Oh, boy. Watch the Marshall Plan go into action.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Miss Marshall, I shall look forward again someday to perhaps almost working with you.

Paula Marshall:
You gotta stick your neck out once in a while.

Sally Rogers:
I think that's what they said to Marie Antoinette.

Melvin 'Mel' Cooley:
I hope I'm not disturbing anything.

Buddy Sorrell:
No, I was expecting a headache anyway.

[Sally is making Buddy donate 25 cents to charity whenever he insults Mel]

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, Sally, what'll it cost me to call him a big, blubber-nosed baboon?

Sally Rogers:
Oh, that'll run you roughly 75 cents.

Buddy Sorrell:
Can't afford it.

Buddy Sorrell:
[to Mel] You're not a big, blubber-nosed baboon.

[Mel smiles and nods; Buddy puts 25 cents in Sally's can]

Buddy Sorrell:
You're a small, blubber-nosed baboon.

[puts another 25 cents in the can]

Blackie Sorrell:
Just to see you, I came all the way from Brazil.

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, I got all the coffee beans I can use.

Blackie Sorrell:
What do I have to do to convince you I'm on the level?

Buddy Sorrell:
Leave town.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Are all you Sorrells as funny as Buddy?

Blackie Sorrell:
No, uh... My mother was very strict. She said you can't all be funny. One of you has to be handsome. Well...

[strikes a pose and smiles]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
You made a wise choice.

Blackie Sorrell:
Actually we're all handsome in my family, but Buddy just hides it better than I do.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I see.

Blackie Sorrell:
We're all salesmen, too. Buddy sells jokes and I sell real estate.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Hey, you ought to go into business together and sell funny real estate.

Blackie Sorrell:
Oh, do you... do you, uh... do you play pool, Laura?

Laura Petrie:
[indicating Rob] Not with this one I don't. He's a real hustler.

Blackie Sorrell:
Is he now?

Laura Petrie:
You've heard of Minnesota Fats? This is Illinois Skinny.

Blackie Sorrell:
Are you, uh, really as good as she says you are?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I'll let my pool cue speak for me. This way, pigeon.

Blackie Sorrell:
Cute wife you have, Rob.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
No, she's isn't. She just puts that on for company.

Buddy Sorrell:
All right, tell me, what finally made you go straight?

Blackie Sorrell:
The love of a good woman.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oooooo.

Blackie Sorrell:
She knew the way I earned a buck. She knew the whole bit. We got along pretty good. She said to me, "Blackie, you have a choice: Either you can go on hustling as you have been, shaming your family and your friends, or you can marry me and share a wonderful life and my two and a half million dollar inheritance."

Buddy Sorrell:
You're kidding.

Blackie Sorrell:
[pulling out a photograph] Here's a picture of the two and a half million.

Buddy Sorrell:
She got two and a half million?

Blackie Sorrell:
That's right.

Buddy Sorrell:
And you married her?

Blackie Sorrell:
Heh, that's my wife.

Buddy Sorrell:
You know, she could be a lot uglier for two and a half million.

Laura Petrie:
[having pulled off a trick shot to her own surprise] I, uh... believe that finishes the game, Mr. Petrie.

Buddy Sorrell:
All right, wise guy, whadda ya want here?

Blackie Sorrell:
Nothing! It's just that I'm getting old and I... I wanna set a few things right before my good looks fade away. You know, nobody believes I was a homely child.

[Rob wants to get his brother a hotel room for his visit]

Laura Petrie:
Rob, I won't hear of it. He's the one relative of ours I'm really dying to know better.

Laura Petrie:
Listen, Stace, how come you always call Rob "Burford?"

Stacey Petrie:
Yeah, he looks like a Burford, doesn't he?

Rob Petrie:
Didn't it seem to you that Stacy was acting a little strangely?

Laura Petrie:
No, he was acting like a fellow who was happy to see us. He was spirited, joyful and bubbly.

Rob Petrie:
Right - three things that Stacy ordinarily is not, unless...

Laura Petrie:
Unless what?

Rob Petrie:
Well, honey, you're gonna find out sooner or later anyway. I might just as well tell you: My brother Stacy has a problem.

Rob Petrie:
Stacy's a...

Laura Petrie:
A what?

Rob Petrie:
A somnambulist.

Laura Petrie:
A somnambulist? A sleepwalker?

Rob Petrie:
The best in the world.

Laura Petrie:
How can you tell he's asleep?

Rob Petrie:
Well, you notice Stace wasn't wearing his glasses?

Laura Petrie:
So?

Rob Petrie:
He always wears his glasses when he's awake. The only time he takes them off is when he's asleep. And you heard him call me Burford?

Laura Petrie:
Yeah.

Rob Petrie:
Well, when he's that way he calls everybody "Burford."

Rob Petrie:
When he's awake he's very shy, very retiring, but when he's asleep he's friendly, outgoing.

Stacey Petrie:
I know I'm sure, though... I think.

Rob Petrie:
Hey, it's gettin' late! Boy, we better attack those ribs before the gang gets here.

Stacey Petrie:
What gang?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, I invited a few of the neighbors and some of the guys from the office over. I thought you might like to meet 'em.

Stacey Petrie:
Uh, gee, I'm a... a little tired, Rob. Will I have time to grab a nap first?

Laura Petrie:
But, Stacey, you just had a nap.

Stacey Petrie:
I-I get more rest when I'm awake than those kind of naps.

[Somnambulant Stacey is ready to entertain partiers with his banjo]

Stacey Petrie:
Show time! Okay, folks, gather around here and I'll tune up a little bit. Gotta get... Lemme have an R, Burf.

[Rob turns to the piano but then realizes the instruction makes no sense]

Stacey Petrie:
That's good. I just said that for a joke. There ain't no R. Is there?

Stacey Petrie:
[to Mel] Whadda you wanna hear, Mr. Burford?

Mel Cooley:
H-h-how about something classical?

Stacey Petrie:
Good enough. Something classical. How 'bout the Hungarian Rhapsody by Goulash?

Mel Cooley:
Oh, Goulash is a stew.

Stacey Petrie:
Well, I don't care how much he drinks. He writes good music.

[after providing an outstanding, lively entertainment, Stacey falls completely asleep and Rob quiets everybody down]

Buddy Sorrell:
[whispering] Hey, Rob? Is the party over?

Rob Petrie:
[whispering] Yeah.

Buddy Sorrell:
[whispering] I thought so.

Rob Petrie:
Boy, I knew it was going to be a rotten day when I cut my toe shaving this morning!

Laura Petrie:
Well, Mr. Howard, we shop at your... no, we, uh, bank at you bank.

Rob Petrie:
Oh, incidentally, how do you like the way we decorated your mortgage?

Rob Petrie:
Me? I don't know. I'm not a politician.

John Gerber:
Well, we don't want a politician. What we want is a bright, able, personable young man.

Rob Petrie:
Well, that's what I said, "Why me?"

[Rob enjoys the idea of being called Councilman Petrie]

Laura Petrie:
Hey, if you're city councilman, what'll they call me?

Rob Petrie:
Probably Laura.

Sally Rogers:
Buddy, I tell you, your loyalty is underwhelming.

Buddy Sorrell:
Aw, I'm jealous of everybody. I'm still sore at Cary Grant for gettin' all my girls.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob!

Rob Petrie:
You can say THAT again.

Buddy Sorrell:
Boy, you're a natural politician. You make no sense at all.

Sally Rogers:
Hey, Rob, look, if you're lookin' for a good excuse for not running...

Rob Petrie:
I'm not looking for an excuse.

Sally Rogers:
...I've got it.

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, come on, what is it?

Sally Rogers:
Tell 'em you're gettin' married.

Rob Petrie:
I'm already married.

Sally Rogers:
Right! Nobody likes a scandal.

Buddy Sorrell:
Rob, you want my advice?

Rob Petrie:
No.

Buddy Sorrell:
Good decision. Now while you're in the mood, make another one.

[first lines]

Rob Petrie:
But all we need is just one joke to finish the show. Come up with something, Buddy, and you can go home to your wife.

Buddy Sorrell:
Go home to my wife? What kind of reward is that?

Rob Petrie:
I usually don't say this, but I think that sketch is one of the funniest we've written in months.

Mel Cooley:
Well, I'm sorry. It just didn't make me laugh.

Buddy Sorrell:
That PROVES it's funny.

Rob Petrie:
Look, Mel, as the head writer, I say it's a good script, and I'm sure Alan would agree with me, too.

Mel Cooley:
I'm sorry, there's no use talking...

Rob Petrie:
[interrupting] Mel, I could go over your head.

Buddy Sorrell:
Watch it, Rob. It's slippery up there.

Sally Rogers:
You don't wanna open a comedy show with jokes?

Rob Petrie:
N-n-no.

Buddy Sorrell:
Maybe we should open it with the Budapest String Quartet.

[Rob pulls out Buddy and Sally's submitted script]

Sally Rogers:
Did Alan crumple this?

Buddy Sorrell:
[examining the paper] Yup, that's Alan's crumple.

Rob Petrie:
We're together, right?

Laura Petrie:
Right.

Rob Petrie:
We're a team, right?

Laura Petrie:
Right.

Rob Petrie:
All right, then. If... if you and I had a big fight and I said I'm walking out, wouldn't you walk right out with me?

Mel Cooley:
I had a full head of hair when I started this job.

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, hi ya, Mel. Hey, you've been worried about gettin' bald. I got good news for ya. You are NOT losing your hair.

Mel Cooley:
I'm not?

Buddy Sorrell:
[picking at his jacket] No, I just found it. Look, there's some here and here and...

Rob Petrie:
Buddy and Sally and I, we were a team, just like franks and beans and sauerkraut. Boy, now there's a team that sticks together. You can't break a team like that up. Lemme show you something.

[takes away the hot dog]

Rob Petrie:
Look, does that look right? Huh? Does that look right to you? Yeah. The hot dog's sittin' at home out of work while the beans and sauerkraut are downtown laughin' at him.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, wake up a second.

Laura Petrie:
[half-asleep] Rob, the coffee's in the pot, the toast is on the table, and the eggs are in the oven.

Rob Petrie:
Honey, I don't care if the frost is on the pumpkin. I want you to wake up for just a second.

Rob Petrie:
[waking Laura] Honey, I want to ask you something very important.

Laura Petrie:
Well, what's the matter?

Rob Petrie:
Would you marry Mel Cooley?

Laura Petrie:
Oh, Rob...

[Rob fears going bald]

Laura Petrie:
Well, what do you want me to say, Rob? That I'll love you no matter what? That I'll... stick with you through thick or thin, so to speak?

[Alan has approved this week's script]

Sally Rogers:
Oh, good, good, then who's the surprise guest.

Rob Petrie:
Are you ready? Ricard Vincente.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, I love him!

Buddy Sorrell:
That's no surprise.

Rob Petrie:
That's right. Half the women in the country love him.

Buddy Sorrell:
[boasting] Well, I happen to know his secret.

Sally Rogers:
You do? Why don't you use it?

Sally Rogers:
[to Rob] Now, look, first of all, you're not going bald. And even if you were, a man doesn't become less attractive just because he's bald. Some men are MORE attractive.

Mel Cooley:
[entering] Rob...

Buddy Sorrell:
You just lost your argument.

Rob Petrie:
[to Mel] When did you first, uh... first realize that, you know, you were... beginning to get bald?

Buddy Sorrell:
When a near-sighted ostrich jumped on his head and tried to hatch it.

Laura Petrie:
Rob, you are not going to put a head full of oil and vinegar on my good pillowcases.

Rob Petrie:
I wasn't planning to.

Laura Petrie:
Well, then where were you going to sleep, in the refrigerator?

Sally Rogers:
Well, if you use salad dressing, you can't expect to grow meatloaf.

Laura Petrie:
Now you'll have to sleep with your head in the refrigerator.

Buddy Sorrell:
[helping Sally wind up a ball of yarn] Who you knittin' this for, King Kong?

Sally Rogers:
I'm not knittin' anything.

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, what is that?

Sally Rogers:
It's a wool bowling ball. Can't stand noise.

Mrs. Huntington:
Mr. and Mrs. Petrof, I am Mrs. Huntington, your hostess. Come, I want you to meet some of my very dear friends. People, I want you to meet Mr. and Mrs. William Petrof.

Rob Petrie:
Petrie.

Mrs. Huntington:
Oh, yes. You pronounce that Petrof, don't you?

Mrs. Huntington:
Mr. and Mrs. William Petrof.

Rob Petrie:
[correcting] Petrie.

Mrs. Huntington:
Oh, I'll never get that straight. Suppose I just call you, uh... Bill?

Rob Petrie:
[correcting] Rob.

Mrs. Huntington:
Bill and Rob! That's so much easier, of course.

Mrs. Venetia Fellows:
Hasn't he a marvelous mind?

Rob Petrie:
Marvelous.

Mrs. Venetia Fellows:
He has the gift and the ability to say things that, uh, uh... uh...

Rob Petrie:
Well, uh, uh, seem vague but are in reality meaningless.

Mrs. Venetia Fellows:
Ah, yes!

Rob Petrie:
[to Laura, realizing no one knows who they are] You still, uh, think we belong here, "Rob?"

[Mel prepares to bring in Henry Walden and Mrs. Huntington]

Mel Cooley:
[excited] Now, uh, I'm gonna bring them in here, and I hope that...

Mel Cooley:
[to Buddy]... none of us does anything that would reflect on the show.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, my. Am I reflecting? I must powder my nose.

Buddy Sorrell:
[to Mel] Why don't you powder your head?

Mel Cooley:
Yuck!

Sally Rogers:
Isn't that funny? I just remembered I have to go home and wash my cat.

Buddy Sorrell:
You washed your cat last night.

Sally Rogers:
So I'll iron him.

Mrs. Huntington:
Couldn't I just call you Bill?

Rob Petrie:
Why don't... Why don't you just call me Rob?

Mrs. Huntington:
Oh, I apologize, Bob.

Rob Petrie:
[correcting] No, that's Rob - Rob Petrof.

Rob Petrie:
[correcting himself] PETRIE!

Mrs. Huntington:
[to Mr. Walden] Now, you see, Henry? No one can say that name.

Henry Walden:
[to Rpb] Mrs. Huntington and her committee never even heard of you.

Mrs. Huntington:
Well, I'm just so poor at names.

Henry Walden:
No, not poor - MISERABLE!

Rob Petrie:
Thank you very much but I know very little about the, uh, early history of American humor.

Buddy Sorrell:
Don't look at me. I don't even know the name of Paul Revere's horse.

Sally Rogers:
Chicken, son of Flicka.

Buddy Sorrell:
What was the big punchline during the American revolution?

Henry Walden:
"Let George do it!"

Henry Walden:
She's an intellectual snob, that's what she is, but I forgive her. She's got a good heart and great legs.

Mrs. Huntington:
[continuing to mis-introduce Rob and Laura to other guests] And, then, this is Vonitia Fellows. Uh, uh, Bill and Rob Petrof.

Mrs. Venetia Fellows:
[shaking Rob's hand] Bill.

Rob Petrie:
[correcting] Rob.

Mrs. Venetia Fellows:
[shaking Laura's hand] Rob.

Laura Petrie:
[correcting] Laura.

Mrs. Venetia Fellows:
[correcting] Vonitia.

Henry Walden:
I enjoy your work immensely.

Sally Rogers:
You enjoy OUR work?

Henry Walden:
Yes, I have for years.

Buddy Sorrell:
Wait a minute. You a poet or a politician?

Henry Walden:
Oh, politician, eh? All right, let's see... Buddy Sorrell. Before Alan Brady, you wrote for The Billy Barrow Show, and before that, in early television, you were the very fine MC for an absolutely terrible program called Buddy's Band.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh, wow! Memories!

Henry Walden:
And, uh, Sally Rogers, you were on the staff of The Milton Berle Show. And before that...

Sally Rogers:
Whoops! Before that I was a pom pom girl at Herbert Hoover High.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Danny Thomas put nuts in my hat!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Oh, what a nightmare! What a night... I dreamed that I was a Twylo-ite. And I lost my sense of humor and my thumbs!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[looking at his thumbs] Oh!

[kisses them fervently]

Laura Petrie:
I dreamt that Danny Thomas was chasing me and throwing walnuts at me, and every place he'd hit me I'd lose a thumb and grow an eye!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Laura...

Laura Petrie:
My name is not Laura. It's Lolak. Lolak of Twilo.

Laura Petrie:
[parting the hair on the back of her head toward Rob] I SEE yooooou.

Sally Rogers:
Don't forget, Rob. Thumbs up.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I must... I-I must be dreaming. Either that or I'm in the Twilo Zone!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Honey, you just set the alarm for an hour from now.

Laura Petrie:
That's right. If Kolak and his activated walnuts are gonna come after me in my dreams, I'll be saved by the bell.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Something is wrong here. Something's wrong. Now, there's three possibilities. Either Laura and the gang are playing a very elaborate practical joke on me, or I'm having a horrible nightmare, or it's really happening to me.

Laura Petrie:
Darling, I'll hit you with pleasure but it won't get you back your thumbs.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
What're you doing?

Laura Petrie:
Getting a drink of fresh air.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
All right, Buddy, who put you up to eatin' walnuts?

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, if you must know, I switched from pistachios.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Laura was getting even with me this morning because I scared her last night.

Buddy Sorrell:
You scared her? What'd you do? Show up?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[Chuckling] Nah, I was pretending that I was this guy, Kolak, who breathes water.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, yeah. The four-eyed monster they threw out of the U.N. He came from the planet Twilo.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Did you see that picture?

Sally Rogers:
No. Did they make a picture outta that?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Last night, on television.

Sally Rogers:
Noooo. I was at the U.N. the day it happened. Listen, if this guy didn't have those four eyes, I'd have married him.

Sally Rogers:
Prince Valiant just called, wants you to trim his bangs.

Buddy Sorrell:
Boy, to you, all the world's a sketch and all the men and women live on Flugel Street.

Buddy Sorrell:
We do all the work and the desert rat gets the gravy.

Mel Cooley:
Well, well, what's bothering Smokey the Bore?

Buddy Sorrell:
"Smokey the Boar" - hey, not bad for a self-taught incompetent.

Doug Wesley:
Alan Bray works for Alan Brady Productions.

Rob Petrie:
Yeah, but he owns it.

Doug Wesley:
Ah, but Alan Brady Productions is a subsidiary of Reliance Industries.

Rob Petrie:
[clears throat] What, uh... what's a Reliance Industries?

Doug Wesley:
Reliance Industries owns The Cliff Barnett Show and they run a fleet of shrimp boats in the Gulf of Mexico.

Doug Wesley:
You see, you and Sally and Buddy are not employed by the same firm.

Rob Petrie:
We're not?

Doug Wesley:
No, no, no. You, Rob, as head writer, are an executive, and all our executives are paid by Alan's Japanese company, Ishimoru.

Rob Petrie:
Ishimoru, is that Japanese?

Doug Wesley:
Oh, yes, yes.

Rob Petrie:
You know, I always thought that was a combination of Alan's kids' names.

Doug Wesley:
No. No. No, they make motorcycles, Rob.

Rob Petrie:
And, and, they, uh, they pay me. Well, then, who... who pays Buddy and Sally?

Doug Wesley:
Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland.

Rob Petrie:
Why can't Tam O'Shanter Ltd. of Scotland give them a raise, then?

Doug Wesley:
They're not doing too well right now, Rob.

Rob Petrie:
[looking at their sizable corporate binder] They're not? With a book that thick, they're not? What, uh... what do THEY make?

Doug Wesley:
Mm, right now, very bad investments, but a few years ago they were doing very well.

Rob Petrie:
Well, what... what did they make then?

Doug Wesley:
The Martin and Lewis coloring book.

Doug Wesley:
[trying to explain Alan Brady's corporate picture] Rob, maybe I can demonstrate it better with the flowers.

Rob Petrie:
The flowers?

Doug Wesley:
[picking up a vase of fowers] Yeah. Now, this pot is Alan Brady.

Rob Petrie:
Good casting.

Doug Wesley:
All these flowers are his various enterprises.

Rob Petrie:
He has that many flowers, huh?

Doug Wesley:
Now this big, lusty, healthy blue flower - that's Ishimoru.

Rob Petrie:
[taking the blue flower] Ishimoru... uh, uh - ptpt ptpt - motorcycles.

Doug Wesley:
Right, right. Now, this sickly little green flower - that's Tam O'Shanter.

Rob Petrie:
[taking the green flower] Tam O'Shanter, uh, coloring books.

Doug Wesley:
Right.

Rob Petrie:
Got that.

Doug Wesley:
Now, this big pink flower - that's Brady Lady.

Rob Petrie:
Brady Lady?

Doug Wesley:
Brady Lady is owned by Alan's wife.

Rob Petrie:
Alan's wife?

Doug Wesley:
She pays the band.

Rob Petrie:
Alan's wife pays the band?

Doug Wesley:
Well, it's a perfectly legitimate loophole, Rob.

[Rob takes the pink flower as Mel enters and exits]

Mel Cooley:
Wesley, would you check over these figures and get an answer back to me right away? I've been up here a thousand times: you never gave ME any flowers.

Buddy Sorrell:
[upon hearing of a 15% raise] Boy, that's... that's great. Why didn't you tell us last night?

Rob Petrie:
Well, there's a little more.

Buddy Sorrell:
A little more than 15%?

Rob Petrie:
No.

Sally Rogers:
You mean we split 15%?

Rob Petrie:
No, no.

Buddy Sorrell:
Seven and a half percent?

Rob Petrie:
No.

Sally Rogers:
3%.

Rob Petrie:
No, it's 15% raise.

Buddy Sorrell:
It's there, but nobody got it. It's a treasure hunt.

Rob Petrie:
Mr. Wesley, this pot is The Alan Brady Show, right?

Doug Wesley:
Right.

Rob Petrie:
[tossing out flowers as he speaks] Uh-huh, and his lovely red flower is Alan Brady. Uh-huh. Now, you take away Sally Rogers, and Buddy Sorrell, and Robert Petrie, and all Alan has left is an empty pot!

Sally Rogers:
What did you do, shave the office this morning?

[New sponsor Jim Darling enters the writers' room]

Rob Petrie:
Jim Darling. Excuse me for staring at you, but I've... sure I know you.

Mel Cooley:
Well, of course you do. He's one of our nation's most dynamic businessmen.

Buddy Sorrell:
Attaboy, Mel. Keep a civil tongue on his boots.

[Sponsor Jim Darling invites everyone up to his penthouse to celebrate their new business relationship]

Buddy Sorrell:
Say, is this, uh, business or pleasure?

Jim Darling:
Strictly pleasure.

Buddy Sorrell:
Good. I'll leave my wife home.

Rob Petrie:
You, uh... you never got married, huh?

Jim Darling:
Well, how could I? You got my girl.

Jim Darling:
Uh, you coming, uh, Cooley?

Mel Cooley:
Ah, yes, Darling. Uh, JIM!

Sally Rogers:
I wonder if the janitor of a building is like the captain of a ship.

Rob Petrie:
What?

Sally Rogers:
I mean, can he marry us? I'd like a simple basement wedding, just the immediate help.

Rob Petrie:
The world would be a lot better if everybody was committed.

Rob Petrie:
And this is our new sponsor Jim Darling.

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, wait a minute. Let's get that right - Jim, our darling sponsor.

Sally Rogers:
Well, a man like you should TAKE time for things like tennis and golf and marriage.

Jim Darling:
Well, I don't care much for tennis or golf, but I'd get married in a minute if I could find another girl like Laura.

Buddy Sorrell:
How about another girl like Sally?

Sally Rogers:
Another girl? How about Sally?

Laura Petrie:
It's kind of interesting and very flattering to see a man destroy himself for the love of a beautiful woman.

[Mel enters]

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, speakin' of blowin' your top - ta-daaaa!

Rob Petrie:
Buddy, where's, uh, Pickles?

Buddy Sorrell:
She's takin' a course in cooking. She stayed home, and she's rehearsing breakfast.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Believe me, Rob, as the producer, I'm sorry.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
We believe you, Curly. You're a sorry producer.

Rob Petrie:
Morning, honey.

[puckers his lips expecting a kiss, but instead gets an earful]

Laura Petrie:
[in rapid-fire fashion] What do you mean by that? It may be a good morning for you, but it wasn't for me! You didn't have to clean up the mess that this one made when he decided to finger paint all over the bathroom mirror with the toothpaste. And you don't have to be concerned at all about the fact that the cleaning woman isn't coming today and you have five people coming for lunch. Sure, go ahead, good morning! Why not?

Rob Petrie:
[recoiling] Honey, give me another chance. I'll go out and come in again.

[starts for the door to the living room]

Rob Petrie:
I won't say good morning - I'll just wave as I go by.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
It was the sketch. I knew Alan wouldn't like it. And when it comes to comedy, I have an unerring instinct.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
That's right, you got the instinct of a herring.

Rob Petrie:
[after getting off the phone with Laura] I'd have never believed it.

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
What?

Rob Petrie:
That sweet, lovable, understanding girl I married - she's turned into a... wife!

Jerry Helper:
Hey, why can't you be home to give me a kiss like other wives do?

Millie Helper:
What other wives have been giving you kisses?

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
I gotta call my wife before she gets ready to burn the dinner. Boy, you heard of pot roast - she makes roast pot. Hello, Pickles, honey? Yeah, it's me. Oh, boy, have I got a thrill for you. I'm not comin' home for dinner.

Melvin (Mel) Cooley:
Miss Blake, our audience doesn't care how sleepy we get. We must give unstintingly of our strength and talent. Our work must come first. We must never allow our personal pleasures to interfere with our work. Now, if you'll excuse me, my wife and I have tickets for the theater tonight. [leaves]

Maurice (Buddy) Sorrell:
Goodbye, "We"!

Millie Helper:
Jerry, you're just awful. Isn't he awful? You're just awful.

Rob Petrie:
Have you had your coffee?

Jerry Helper:
Are you kiddin'? Millie hasn't gotten up to fix me coffee since we're married. She's gotta get her "fifteen hours."

Rob Petrie:
I wanna take a nap before I go to sleep.

Sally Rogers:
Rob, I wanna thank you for introducing me to the sweetest, most honest guy I've ever met.

Buddy Sorrell:
[to Rob] I thought you told me you introduced her to Freddy White.

Rob Petrie:
I did.

Laura Petrie:
Well, where'd you two have dinner?

Freddy White:
At the Plush Pheasant.

Rob Petrie:
Plush Pheasant? That's kind of classy, isn't it?

Freddy White:
I hope to kiss a rhino. You know what it cost for dinner for two? Forty-one dollars, not including the tip.

Sally Rogers:
Ah, what'd you tell 'em for?

Freddy White:
Well, why not? Listen, I've never met a girl before that took me to such expensive places.

Sally Rogers:
Hey, does this sound like a murder threat or did I just hear a marriage proposal?

Rob Petrie:
I don't know. I think either way you're dead.

Buddy Sorrell:
I'll always hold a special place in my heart for the guy who introduced me to Pickles. Every time I get heartburn, I think of him.

Sally Rogers:
Now, you know what they say about the love of a good woman.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, it keeps you from bowling on Thursday night.

[said often]

Freddy White:
[to Sally] Mommyyyyy!

Freddy White:
Oh, you're one in a million!

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, those are my usual odds.

Sally Rogers:
If I play my cards right, that boy is gonna be the future Mr. Sally Rogers.

Freddy White:
Now for those of you who are not familiar with the umack bird, the umack bird happens to be one of the rarest species of birds on the face of the earth today. And they also happen to be very passionate birds. Do you know that every night at 9:30 o'clock when the moon is at its very lowest, you can find this bird flying from branch to branch in search for her mate. "Is that umack? Is that umack?"

Rob Petrie:
Hi, Rich. Have you seen Mommy?

Ritchie Petrie:
When?

Rob Petrie:
This morning.

Ritchie Petrie:
Didn't YOU see her? She sleeps in YOUR room.

Ritchie Petrie:
Mommy, can I have a glass for my milk?

Laura Petrie:
[preoccupied] Not before breakfast, Rich! Drink your milk!

Sally Rogers:
All women have to lie. It's nature's way of protecting them from the truth.

Rob Petrie:
Maybe she's afraid to go for the physical examination. Yeah, because every time I mention a doctor's appointment she tenses up.

Buddy Sorrell:
Maybe he got a cold stethoscope.

Sally Rogers:
Your wife shampoos your hair?

Buddy Sorrell:
Doesn't everybody's?

Laura Petrie:
[bursting into tears] I lied to you. Oh, Rob, all these years we said we'd never lie to each other and I LIED TO YOU-U-U!

[raps finger against their insurance policy]

Rob Petrie:
[examines around where he thinks Laura's pointed] Why? What? "Sex: female?" You couldn't have lied about that!

Rob Petrie:
Why don't we run out and get married?

Laura Petrie:
When?

Rob Petrie:
W... Tonight.

Laura Petrie:
You mean we elope?

Rob Petrie:
Yeah! Yeah, we can... we can get Millie and Jerry, drive up to Greenwich and get married. And on the way back, we'll stop and see the last showing of the... of "The Charming Dr. Horrible." Ha-ha-ha.

Laura Petrie:
A marriage and a movie?

Rob Petrie:
Sure. It's a perfect evening. Whadda ya say?

Laura Petrie:
Wait a minute. We can't elope tonight.

Rob Petrie:
Why not, Honey.

Laura Petrie:
'cause WE haven't got a babysitter.

Rob Petrie:
Aw, darn!

Laura Petrie:
Well, wait! We can get married tomorrow night.

Rob Petrie:
Well, yeah, but tomorrow night the movie's not playin'.

Sally Rogers:
Let's go to a real crowded restaurant and maybe they'll start a nasty rumor about us. Ha-ha.

Ric Vallone:
Hey, I could use the publicity.

Sally Rogers:
[to Rob and Buddy] Hey, listen, fellas, if you don't hear from us in a week, mind your own business.

Laura Petrie:
Darling, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times - I'm a woman.

Rob Petrie:
[after Laura exits] I better write that down.

Buddy Sorrell:
Boy, I can't wait'll I get home. Pickles is fixin' my favorite tonight - canned soup.

Rob Petrie:
Look, all Mel said was there's a change in the show. Maybe the charge'll make you happy.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah? The only charge'd make ME happy 'ould be the firing of all hairless producers that look like potbellied penguins.

Rob Petrie:
Buddy, would ya... would ya save the insults, please?

Buddy Sorrell:
What for? He's here now.

Buddy Sorrell:
[suggestively] Heeeey... Dootle-lee dootle-lee do do do.

Rob Petrie:
What do you mean dootle-lee dootle-lee do do do?

Millie Helper:
Listen, for goodness sake, don't take a shower!

Laura Petrie:
Why?

Millie Helper:
Oh, listen, didn't you see that Alfred Hitchcock picture?

[stabbing motion]

Laura Petrie:
Millie!

Millie Helper:
You're better off dirty than dead, believe me.

Millie Helper:
I forgot to give you something.

Laura Petrie:
A fountain pen?

Millie Helper:
Well, it's not really a pen. It's a burglar beeper.

Laura Petrie:
A what?

Millie Helper:
You know, a burglar beeper. If somebody breaks in and tries to bash you in the head, you pull the top off and a siren starts. Keen, huh?

Jerry Helper:
Come on, Rob! Hey, Millie, where're you going? Oh, I just get one and I lose the other!

Laura Petrie:
[answers the phone and nobody talks] Oh, I hate it when it does that. Just like that movie where the lady gets murdered. No it isn't. It's nothing like that at all.

Laura Petrie:
How's Richie?

Rob Petrie:
He broke his pole.

Laura Petrie:
I told him to keep it in the car.

Rob Petrie:
Well, he did. I sat on it.

Laura Petrie:
What're you doing back here, anyway? Is everyone back?

Millie Helper:
No, just me and I'm not really back!

Laura Petrie:
Well, you're here!

Millie Helper:
Well, I never got there!

Laura Petrie:
I'm glad you're here!

Millie Helper:
Oh, Laura!

Laura Petrie:
What happened anyway?

Millie Helper:
Well, going up there it suddenly dawned on me, where was I going? I mean, I... I hate camping and I hate fishing, and I can just about tolerate the kids and I'm not that wild about Jerry. Well, the only person who was gonna make it any fun was here; so, when we got to Flouter Junction, I jumped on a train and... here I am.

Millie Helper:
You heard noises? What noises?

Laura Petrie:
Well, just... ordinary house noises, things that go bump in the night. You know, the stuff I never worry about if someone were here with me.

Millie Helper:
Well, someone's here with you and she's worried - what kind of noises?

Laura Petrie:
Well, like, uh, wood creaking and a... cat scratching, and then, once, the phone rang and there was nobody on the other line.

Millie Helper:
[gasps] Oh. 'Sorry, Wrong Number'! Did you see that picture?

Laura Petrie:
I did, and that's what's been frightening me.

Laura Petrie:
Here, you can wear this.

[hands Millie a flimsy nightgown]

Millie Helper:
Oh, listen, don't you have something a little less, say, you know? I mean, uh, in case we gotta go running into the streets, I don't want to look too sexy.

Millie Helper:
[whispering] Laura...

Laura Petrie:
Shh...

Millie Helper:
I think I did something dumb!

Laura Petrie:
What?

Millie Helper:
I think I left the door open when I came in.

Laura Petrie:
Why?

Millie Helper:
In case something was wrong, I wanted to be able to get out fast.

Millie Helper:
Okay, Millie! If you're not here in one second, I'm getting the axe out of the trunk!

Laura Petrie:
Darling, here's, uh, Ritchie's worms.

Rob Petrie:
Oh.

Laura Petrie:
Don't let him play with them on the way up, huh?

Rob Petrie:
How does he play with worms?

Laura Petrie:
He tries to tie them all together and make one long one.

Herschel:
Don't be nervous, don't be nervous!

Laura Petrie:
Rob, I worry about you, all alone up there with that hat.

Laura Petrie:
Well, you, uh, just tell Millie she's a nut.

Rob Petrie:
[chuckles] That's wouldn't be nice. I'll have Jerry do it.

Millie Helper:
You hit me again and I'll let you have it!

[as the radio plays loudly, Millie irons in the living room while Laura putters about the kitchen]

Millie Helper:
Let's keep talkin', okay?

Laura Petrie:
What?

Millie Helper:
I said let's keep talkin', okay?

Laura Petrie:
Okay.

Millie Helper:
What are you doin' now?

Laura Petrie:
I'm making the coffee.

Millie Helper:
Okay. Laura, would you fix me a piece of toast?

Laura Petrie:
Okay.

Millie Helper:
Okay. Now what are ya doing?

Laura Petrie:
I'm making the toast.

Millie Helper:
Oh, good, good, good.

Millie Helper:
[thinking she heard a noise] Laura?

Laura Petrie:
Okay.

Millie Helper:
No. No okay. Laura did you hear anything?

Laura Petrie:
Millie, I can't hear anything with the radio blaring away.

[the power suddenly go out. All goes dead and dark]

Laura Petrie:
Mary Jane Gibbs...

Mary Jane Staggs:
Laura Meehan...

Millie Helper:
Millie Helper...

[Millie interrupts Jerry with a patient for important news]

Jerry Helper:
What is it, Millie?

Millie Helper:
Well, if you really wanna know, Laura doesn't have any cream for your coffee.

Fred Staggs:
Mary Jane told me to return your screwdriver, but I'm returning it anyway. How's that for a neighbor, huh?

Jerry Helper:
Well, I gotta hand it to ya, Millie. That was one of the rottenest dinners you ever cooked in your life.

Millie Helper:
Sure, be funny. We're losing our best friends and you're tryin' to be funny.

Jerry Helper:
Millie, I'm not being funny. I'm-I'm really... I'm nauseous. What did you put in that gravy.

Millie Helper:
Oh, who cares?

Jerry Helper:
Well, I do. I may need an antidote.

Fred Staggs:
Mary Jane can't get out of the bathtub without me.

Rob Petrie:
Why?

Fred Staggs:
I forgot to unpack the towels.

Jerry Helper:
You think we're so childish to be hurt by anything so childish?

Laura Petrie:
Then how come Millie's been in the shower all day?

Jerry Helper:
Well, you know how childish Millie is.

[a horn-like sound is heard]

Laura Petrie:
What was that?

Rob Petrie:
That's stereo feedback - the mating call of two hi-fi bugs who just found each other.

Laura Petrie:
And you mated 'em.

Laura Petrie:
We haven't lost anybody's friendship - and even if we have, who needs 'em?

[Laura, with Millie's help, had dyed her hair blonde and talks to Rob on the phone]

Laura Petrie:
Well, honey, what if I were a blonde? Would I be as attractive to you if I were a blonde?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
No, I can't picture you as a blonde. No, wait a minute! Yes, I can! You know who you'd look like?

Laura Petrie:
Who?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Harpo Marx!

Laura Petrie:
[to Millie] He said I'd look like Harpo Marx!

[Check herself out in a mirror]

Laura Petrie:
[horrified] And I do!

[Laura tries to awaken Rob with a kiss but he brushes her aside]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[mostly still asleep] Don't do that!

Laura Petrie:
[to herself] "Don't do that?" He used to love me to do that. Hm! My Prince Charming! - promised to slay dragons for me - won't even get up to have breakfast with me on his day off. Well, I guess it's natural for a husband to behave this way after so many years of marriage, but I still feel like eating breakfast with HIM.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[cheerfully] Hello, honey. How's my old lady?

Laura Petrie:
[offended] What did you say?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
How's my old lady?

Laura Petrie:
Well, I don't know. I haven't spoken to your mother lately, but I'M fine.

Buddy Sorrell:
Hey, whatever happened to all those perspective bridegrooms you used to have hangin' around here?

Sally Rogers:
Oh, they're still around.

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah?

Sally Rogers:
There's Doubting Charlie, there's...

Buddy Sorrell:
Doubting Charlie?

Sally Rogers:
Yeah, he keeps proposing and I keep saying yes but he just won't BELIEVE me.

Sally Rogers:
Don't you know our chief well enough by now? When he's sick, he works harder; when he broods, it's one of two things: one, he had a fight with Laura, or two, Laura had a fight with him.

Buddy Sorrell:
True or false?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
True.

Buddy Sorrell:
Well, what was the beef about?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I don't know. We didn't fight long enough for me to find out.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh, one of those.

[mocking voice]

Buddy Sorrell:
"And if you don't know..."

Buddy Sorrell, Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[in unison] "... I'm certainly not going to tell you!"

Buddy Sorrell:
Have you insulted your mother-in-law lately?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
No, I love my mother-in-law. I'd never insult her.

Buddy Sorrell:
That's just it. You're neglecting the old bat. You gotta insult 'em or they think you don't care.

Millie Helper:
I'll have to call the drug store.

Laura Petrie:
Well, how long will it take?

Millie Helper:
Until I finish dialing.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[seeing Ritchie in the closet] What are you doing in there?

Ritchie Petrie:
Playing hat shack.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Oh, well, how's business?

Ritchie Petrie:
Terrible!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[looking at a glass of orange juice] Honey, there's pits and seeds and orange flesh in this orange juice. You know how meticulous I am about my orange juice.

Laura Petrie:
[seeing Rob wearing a tattered sweater] Not too meticulous about the way you dress, are you? My, don't you look dashing.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, thank you, my dear.

[Rob's co-writers are trying to figure why Rob is depressed]

Buddy Sorrell:
How about presents?

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Presents?

Buddy Sorrell:
Yeah, like for special occasions.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Oh, like what?

Buddy Sorrell:
Birthday, anniversary...

Sally Rogers:
Uh, Valentine's Day, Mother's Day...

Buddy Sorrell:
Bastille Day, Rosh Hashanah...

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Well, except for Bastille Day and Rosh Hashanah, I think I'm all squared away.

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
[pointing at Laura's half-blonde hair] You're bleaching your hair blonde!

Millie Helper:
We're not bleaching her hair blonde!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
I suppose it's turning by itself?

Laura Petrie:
[on the verge of tears] We're dying it back to its natural colors.

Millie Helper:
Laura's been a blonde all afternoon.

Laura Petrie:
ALL afternoon!

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Honey, why?

Laura Petrie:
[close to sobbing] Why? Well, yesterday morning, and I kissed you... and you said, "Don't do that!"... And you came down to breakfast in your yucky shirt... And the orange juice and the flesh and the pits and seeds... And the gray hair... And the Harpo Marx... And the general yuckiness...

[breaks down sobbing as she buries herself in Rob's arms, who hugs back]

Robert 'Rob' Petrie:
Aw, I'm sorry. I understand, honey. I understand.

Millie Helper:
You do?

[Rob nods]

Millie Helper:
Um... I think I'll come back after dinner and finish the job. Bye!

[Buddy and Sally are leaving the office after work]

Sally Rogers:
Tally-ho!

Buddy Sorrell:
Holy-tal!

Sally Rogers:
How do you do? I'm Sally Rogers. I'm already in a trance and I'm nobody's wife.

Glen Jameson:
[to Jerry] When I snap my fingers, you'll assume the personality of the person you most admire. I repeat, the person you most admire.

Sally Rogers:
[to Millie] Who's it gonna be?

Millie Helper:
His hero.

[snap]

Jerry Helper:
San Francisco is the home of my birth. 441 and a half O'Farrell Street. I went through grade school and high school as a star basketball player. Early in life I wanted to become a dentist, which I now am. I'm highly proficient in root canal work. Yes, I am. I feel...

Sally Rogers:
[to Millie] Who's he talking about?

Millie Helper:
His hero - HIM.

Rob Petrie:
Just a second, Mel. Can't you see that I am talking on the... on the coat?

Mel Cooley:
Rob. Rob, what're you doing?

Rob Petrie:
There is... there is a girl suffocating in-n-n my jacket.

Rob Petrie:
Gentlemen, would you please try and control yourselves? There is a... there is a poor girl stuck in the lining of my jacket, and I think I may have to operator on her.

Sally Rogers:
What, he's still drunk!

Buddy Sorrell:
Either that or somebody stole his bones!

Laura Petrie:
Okay, what say we eat first and then get hypnotized?

Jerry Helper:
Good.

Millie Helper:
Eat first?

Laura Petrie:
Sure, we always do it that way.

Buddy Sorrell:
Not with my wife's cookin'. Better you should be hypnotized first.

Rob Petrie:
A little nippy out tonight.

[Laura refuses to answer]

Rob Petrie:
A little nippy IN tonight.

Rob Petrie:
Oh, no. Don't tell me we're gonna have another one of those arguments where I have to guess what it is.

Rob Petrie:
Uh, Honey, the, uh, mortgage payment is due tomorrow. Is it all right if I pay it?

Laura Petrie:
Why do yo ask?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, well, I didn't want you to think I wanted the bank to fall in love with me.

Rob Petrie:
Boy, you give a woman her own way and she'll start chipping away at your faults, one by one, and the first thing you know, you're perfect!

Pickles Sorrell:
I'll have some cafe au lait only, um, make mine black.

Buddy Sorrell:
Pickles, cafe au lait is... is coffee with milk. In French, "lait" means milk.

Pickles Sorrell:
So?

Buddy Sorrell:
So you ordered coffee au lait black - that's coffee with milk only without the milk.

Pickles Sorrell:
Well, I like to try different things. I don't think there's anything wrong in that.

Buddy Sorrell:
[to others] Sometimes I look at her and wonder, and other times I just look.

Jerry Helper:
Say, uh, Rob, does Laura really have a headache or is she mad at you?

Rob Petrie:
Both, and how did you know?

Jerry Helper:
Just wishful thinkin'.

Rob Petrie:
Whadda you mean "wishful thinking?" You want Laura to be mad at me?

Jerry Helper:
Sure. Millie's mad at me, and I hate to think I've got the only rotten marriage in the neighborhood.

[repeated line]

Alan Brady:
Shut up, Mel!

Mel Cooley:
Yes, sir.

Mel Cooley:
Good morning, staff.

Buddy Sorrell:
Good morning, stiff.

Buddy Sorrell:
[brainstorming for a funny idea to a saloon sketch] I got it. I got the joke. You ready? Alan comes in carrying a colt 45.

Sally Rogers:
A gun?

Buddy Sorrell:
No, a middle-aged horse.

Mel Cooley:
Newstime Magazine is going to do a cover story of Alan and, as his writers, they want to know what you think of him.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, they can't print THAT in a family magazine.

Mel Cooley:
Uh, you can say anything you want as long as you bear in mind that your contracts are coming up for renewal.

Buddy Sorrell:
[to Mel] What do YOU know about charm? You got all the charm of a sticky doorknob.

Laura Petrie:
Behind every great man...

Rob Petrie:
...is a woman with a big mouth.

Alan Brady:
[having chewed out Rob in a rage] Now GET OUT OF HERE!

Rob Petrie:
[submissively] How far out? Just...

Alan Brady:
Well, from now, I'd go into your office until I tell you w-whether my "satirical sword" needs any sharpening! And next time you talk to a reporter, will you try to work my name in, even if you have to force it into the conversation! And tell your wife to eat at home next time, will ya?

Rob Petrie:
Look, you guys, I'd like to explain about that article.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, what's to explain? It's all down here in black and blue.

Rob Petrie:
That's a wonderful joke, Buddy.

Buddy Sorrell:
Oh? Well, would you mind signing this?

Rob Petrie:
What for?

Buddy Sorrell:
It's a receipt for the joke in case anybody asks me what I do around here.

Sally Rogers:
Oh, Buddy! Making him sign a receipt. I think that's terrible.

Rob Petrie:
Thanks, Sal.

Sally Rogers:
Anything we write, we'll just type our initials to it.

[Newstime Magazine mentions Rob's name eleven times but Alan Brady's only seven]

Laura Petrie:
Do you mean to tell me that he is so small and petty that he counted how many times his name was mentioned?

Rob Petrie:
The bigger they are, the harder they count.

Laura Petrie:
Oh, ROB! Are you saying it's MY fault?

Rob Petrie:
[explaining why he didn't try harder to keep Laura quiet] Because even though I was embarrassed by everything you said, I sat there and I enjoyed every minute of it! I guess, deep down in my subconscious, I was in complete agreement with you, that's why!

Laura Petrie:
Then why are you shouting at me?

Rob Petrie:
I'm shouting at ME. You're just in the way.

Diane Moseby:
Oh, but does Alan Brady contribute anything to the script?

Rob Petrie:
Oh, my, yes. He's VERY creative. One of the biggest contributors.

Laura Petrie:
Yeah, he signs Rob's checks every week.

Laura Petrie:
[seeing Rob in traction] Darling, does... does it hurt very much?

Rob Petrie:
Only when I do ANYTHING.

Rob Petrie:
I told you I didn't want to fight, but I think I'd better warn you. See, I'm a black belt karate expert, and these hands are registered with the police department as lethal weapons. Now, I'm obliged by law to tell you that first.

Laura Petrie:
I mean, just because your male ego took a beating today is no reason to attack my femininity.

Tony Daniels:
[about judo] You know, when you know this stuff, you never feel you have to prove yourself.

Laura Petrie:
My, aren't YOU in a good mood?

Rob Petrie:
No, I am... serene.

Laura Petrie:
Oh? How many "serenes" did ya have?