The Hollywood Squares

Peter Marshall:
What are "dual-purpose cattle" good for that other cattle aren't?

Paul Lynde:
They give milk... and cookies, but I don't recommend the cookies.

Peter Marshall:
According to Amy Vanderbilt, what is the maximum length of time you and your fianc? should be engaged?

Rose Marie:
Engaged in what?

Peter Marshall:
Eddie Fisher recently said, "I am sorry. I am sorry for them both." Who was he referring to?

Paul Lynde:
His fans.

Peter Marshall:
On what night is a woman most likely to be molested?

Rose Marie:
With my luck, it's probably tonight - and I'm working.

Peter Marshall:
Your sheep has a temperature of 102. Is she normal?

Burt Reynolds:
People think I'm not normal because I keep taking her temperature.

Peter Marshall:
Why is the booby bird called the booby bird?

Karen Valentine:
Because they have big... feet.

Peter Marshall:
You're a 71-year-old man who has lost interest in sex. Does your doctor have anything to help you?

Charley Weaver:
No, but his nurse does.

Peter Marshall:
Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?

Paul Lynde:
Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Peter Marshall:
You're a shy, bashful girl. According to "Cosmo," will you probably be helped in overcoming your shyness by choosing an extroverted, outgoing husband?

Rose Marie:
Gosh, Pete, I did that once and his wife caught us.

Peter Marshall:
Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?

Charley Weaver:
A divorcee.

Peter Marshall:
True or false, George: experts say there are only seven or eight things in the world dumber than an ant.

George Gobel:
Yes, and I think I voted for six of 'em.

Peter Marshall:
Dennis Weaver, Debbie Reynolds, and Shelley Winters star in the movie "What's The Matter With Helen?" Who plays Helen?

Charley Weaver:
Dennis Weaver. That's why they asked the question.

Peter Marshall:
James Stewart did it over twenty years ago when he was forty-one years old. Now he says it was "one of the best things I ever did." What was it?

Marty Allen:
Rhonda Fleming.

Peter Marshall:
Your baby has a certain object which he loves to cling to. Should you try to break him of his habit?

Joan Rivers:
Yes. It's daddy's turn.

Peter Marshall:
According to the World Book, is it okay to freeze your persimmons?

Paul Lynde:
No. You should dress warmly.

Peter Marshall:
Can boys join the Campfire Girls?

Marty Allen:
Only after lights out.

Peter Marshall:
Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to her grandma's house. On her way there, she stopped to get something for her grandma. To get what?

Paul Lynde:
Feen-a-mints.

Peter Marshall:
Say Paul, what is the official currency of Puerto Rico?

Paul Lynde:
Food Stamps.

Peter Marshall:
According to the IRS, out of every 10 Americans audited, how many end up paying more taxes?

Paul Lynde:
11.

Peter Marshall:
According to FEMA, people from Florida should be prepared for hurricanes and people from the Midwest should be prepared for floods. What should people from California be prepared for?

Charley Weaver:
The people from Florida and the people from the Midwest.

Peter Marshall:
According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body. Which part?

Jan Murray:
I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear the question. A little louder, please?

Peter Marshall:
According to a recent medical study, sex can be harmful to a certain part of the body...

Jan Murray:
Six? Six can hurt a body? Oh, SEX... I remember. I'll say the eyes because I read about it so much.

Peter Marshall:
Charley, how many balls are on a pool table in a standard game of 8-ball?

Charley Weaver:
How many men are on the table?

Peter Marshall:
In the Shakespearean play "King Lear", King Lear had three of them - Goneril, Cordelia, and Regan? Who were they?

Paul Lynde:
King Lear had Goneril?

Peter Marshall:
When Henry Kissinger recently visited Japan, he went to a geisha house. Now, how did he spend his time in the geisha house?

Paul Lynde:
Oh, negotiating for peace (piece).

Peter Marshall:
Will humming help your tennis game?

Florence Henderson:
Will humming help my tennis game? Sure, why not? It takes your mind off your balls, or something.

Peter Marshall:
According to Tony Randall, "Every woman I've been intimate with in my life has been..." what?

Paul Lynde:
Bitterly disappointed.

Peter Marshall:
Whose motto is "Do Your Best"?

Paul Lynde:
I guess we can rule out Jimmy Carter...

Peter Marshall:
Back in the 1870s, Emile Berliner invented something, and without it, I wouldn't be able to do my job. What was it?

Paul Lynde:
Let's see... toupees? Facelifts? Contact lenses?

Peter Marshall:
Now cut that out!

Paul Lynde:
...Makeup? Capped teeth? Loud sports jackets?

[Sesame Street's Oscar the Grouch is the Secret Square, and the contestant wins it]

Peter Marshall:
Oscar, you've made a man very happy...

Oscar the Grouch:
I'm sorry to hear that.

Peter Marshall:
True or false, Paul - Gypsy folklore says that God created man by baking him in an oven.

Paul Lynde:
[turns and looks at Leslie Uggams] Looks like you were overcooked.

[Leslie Uggams laughed so hard she was lying across the desk. She then she got up, walked over to Paul, smacked him on his shoulder, and walked back to her square laughing along with all the stars and the audience]

Peter Marshall:
Rich, what land animal has the largest eyes?

Rich Little:
[doing his impersonation of her] Why, that would be Carol Channing!

Peter Marshall:
What's the one thing you should never do in bed?

Paul Lynde:
Point and laugh!

Peter Marshall:
In "The Wizard Of Oz", the Tin Man wanted a heart, and the Lion wanted courage. What did the Straw Man want?

Paul Lynde:
He wanted the Tin Man to notice him.

Peter Marshall:
True or false: According to columnist Bert Bacharach, people tend to start shrinking a little after age 30.

Paul Lynde:
Did you know that Rose Marie is standing up right now in her cubicle?

Rose Marie:
[to Paul] OH, SHUT UP!

Peter Marshall:
Oscar, how's your life?

Oscar the Grouch:
Well, it's actually miserable

Peter Marshall:
Ohhh.

Oscar the Grouch:
But I like being miserable; that makes me happy.

Peter Marshall:
It does, doesn't it?

Oscar the Grouch:
But I don't like being happy, so that makes me miserable.

Peter Marshall:
True or false, having a good memory is a sign of a well-adjusted personality.

Karen Valentine:
What was the question?

[the loud horn sounds to signify time running out on the nighttime show]

Peter Marshall:
Let me explain what that means...

Big Bird:
Big Bird: Don't look at me!

Peter Marshall:
You're in an airplane and you've developed engine trouble. What do you traditionally say over the radio?

Buddy Hackett:
"What the f*ck am I doing here?"

Peter Marshall:
According to the World Book, what is the biggest bird on Earth?

Big Bird:
Well, you mean other than me?

Peter Marshall:
Uh-huh. What kind of bird are you by the way?

Big Bird:
I'm a lark.

Peter Marshall:
[cracking up] A lark?

[Audience laughter]

Peter Marshall:
[still laughing] You certainly are!

[another Secret Square is won courtesy of Oscar the Grouch]

Peter Marshall:
Oscar, aren't you proud again? You've made a woman happy...

Oscar the Grouch:
No! I'm not supposed to *help* people!

[Oscar groans]

[Big Bird is picked and turns out to be the Secret Square]

Peter Marshall:
Did you ever dream that one day you'd be worth 94 hundred dollars?

Big Bird:
Gosh! I was excited about 63 cents!

[reading of the bonus prize after player won the match]

David Brenner:
Here's the news, do you ride a bike?

Peter Marshall:
[to contestant] Do you ride a bike?

[contestant nods]

David Brenner:
You do? Good, because in Yugoslavia your prize would be called, "Five thousand American dollars".

[contestant freaks out; Marshall counts off five one-thousand-dollar bills]

Peter Marshall:
Paul, does Ann Landers think there is anything wrong with you if you do your housework in the nude?

Paul Lynde:
No, but I have to be terribly careful when I do my ironing.

Demond Wilson:
Demond Wilson: What do you like for breakfast?

[Peter Marshall starts to speak]

Demond Wilson:
[sternly] Don't tell me "grits"!

Big Bird:
[describing Oscar the Grouch] He may be grouchy on the outside, but inside beats a heart of stone.

Peter Marshall:
At a recent hearing, opponents of flourinated water argued that too much flourine in a person's system can cause an uncontrolable desire for sex.

Paul Lynde:
[excitedly] HEY, CULLIGAN MAN!

Peter Marshall:
Wally, what is the signature phrase of the cartoon character Underdog?

[Cox was voice of Underdog for the duration of the cartoon's airings]

Wally Cox:
Where are my residuals?

Peter Marshall:
According to Ann Landers, your husband, Edgar, is talking in his sleep. Should you be upset if he talks about his secretary?

Joan Rivers:
And how... his secretary is a guy!

Peter Marshall:
In baseball, there's a special name for the area between a player's knees and his armpits.

Paul Lynde:
[referring to a certain jingle] Aren't you glad? Aren't you glad? *Aren't you glad... * he used Dial?

Peter Marshall:
Paul, everyone knows the first verse. [singing] What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / What shall we do with the drunken sailor? / Early in the morning? But what is the first line of the next verse?

Paul Lynde:
[singing] Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Put him in bed with Elizabeth Taylor / Early in the morning

[audience laughs]

Paul Lynde:
How disgusting... that poor sailor!

Peter Marshall:
True or false, Paul Revere had 16 children?

Paul Lynde:
From *one* midnight ride?

Peter Marshall:
Your date's had a great shock, now she's fainted. According to experts you should loosen her clothing, and do one other thing. What?

Paul Lynde:
Send a postcard requesting an ambulance.

Peter Marshall:
You don't get along with this young lady obviously.

Peter Marshall:
Paul, how do we know the first Union flag was sewn by Betsy Ross?

Paul Lynde:
[in a deep overly-serious voice, singing popular TV jingle of the time] You look for, the Union Label, when you buy...

Big Bird:
Gee, that's a silly question, Mr. Marshmallow.

Peter Marshall:
Uh, no, Big Bird, that's Marshall, Mr. Marshall.

Peter Marshall:
Okay, pick a star.

Contestant:
Steve Landesberg?

Peter Marshall:
I said, pick a star!

Steve Landesberg:
Hey!

[audience laughter]

Steve Landesberg:
That's okay, I've seen your act!

Peter Marshall:
True or false, on a recent talk show, Joey Heatherton said, "I am not a sexpot."

Jan Murray:
She's right, Pete, but you're a damn good emcee.

[Tony Randall has just been asked a question]

Tony Randall:
[staring dramatically into the camera] I don't *know*.

[wild audience laughter]

Peter Marshall:
This is a bluffing game! You're supposed to come up with a bluff if you don't know the answer, you silly twerp!

Tony Randall:
Well, *I'm* sorry...

[show intro]

Announcer:
And here's the master of the Hollywood Squares, Peter Marshall.

Peter Marshall:
Thank you, Kenny and good morning everyone. Nice to have you with us. Hello, stars!

Celebrities:
Hello, Peter!

Peter Marshall:
True or false, every day, about 10 million American women take the pill.

Paul Lynde:
And I could name 'em all!

Peter Marshall:
Can you get a closer shave in the morning or in the evening?

Rose Marie:
I don't know, Peter! I don't shave!

[short pause]

Rose Marie:
My face, I mean. What a stupid question.

Peter Marshall:
Is there anything in or on your body that was there the day you were born?

Rose Marie:
[pointing to her head] The black bow!

Peter Marshall:
According to the nursery rhyme, "There was an old woman who lived in a shoe. She had so many children she didn't know what to do". What did she give her children to eat?

Charley Weaver:
She lived in a shoe? Filet of sole!

Peter Marshall:
What are "Do It", "I Can Help" and "Can't Get Enough"?

George Gobel:
I don't know but it's coming from the next apartment.

Peter Marshall:
True or false, massaging the feet helps some people with hot flashes?

George Gobel:
So that's why Rose Marie wears battery-operated shoes.

Rose Marie:
OH! I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT! I KNEW IT!

Peter Marshall:
Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?

Paul Lynde:
Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.

Peter Marshall:
Arthur Hailey had a very successful movie and novel called "Hotel". He has a new best seller about another stopover point. What is it called?

Charley Weaver:
Service Station.

Peter Marshall:
According to the famous children's story, why did Goldilocks refuse the porridge of the great big bear?

Rose Marie:
Papa Bear?

Peter Marshall:
M-hmm.

Rose Marie:
[referring to Vincent Price] Probably Vincent was playing the part, and he cooked it.

Peter Marshall:
Why do people refer to ships as "she?"

Charley Weaver:
Because both have round bottoms.

Peter Marshall:
Paul, any good sailor knows that when a man falls off a ship you yell 'Man overboard!' What should you shout if a woman falls overboard?

Paul Lynde:
Full speed ahead!

Peter Marshall:
What is that small cute thing...

Burt Reynolds:
Yeah? [looks down to check his line, but it looks like he is looking at his crotch. The audience and panel erupts into laughter]

Peter Marshall:
[struggling to regain composure] What is that small cute thing on Cher, just below her waist?

Burt Reynolds:
Small cute thing just below Cher's waist?

Peter Marshall:
Yes, what is it?

Burt Reynolds:
Sonny Bono.

Peter Marshall:
What do most dentists say you should do with your dentures when you go to bed?

Charley Weaver:
Out at the home, we throw them into the center of the room and have a swap party.