The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

Craig Ferguson:
[holding up a black and white headshot of a guest] He's in black and white here, but he'll be in color when he comes out.

Craig Ferguson:
Big props to my homie Mos Def.

Craig Ferguson:
Welcome back, my cheeky wee monkeys.

Craig Ferguson:
I can't live by your rules, man!

Craig Ferguson:
[an e-mailer asked Craig why he doesn't grow a beard] I have a beard. Just not on my face...

Craig Ferguson:
I only like sports that Bond villains played.

Craig Ferguson:
[repeated line, at the start of the monologues] It is a great day for America, and I'll tell you why.

Craig Ferguson:
I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying...

Craig Ferguson:
Self help books are pointless. Here's something for you... Men are from Mars, women are from Venus, and self help books are from Uranus.

Craig Ferguson:
He's German so he's Herr Ball. Herr Ball. His movies are so bad, cats choke when they hear his name.

Craig Ferguson:
[Referring to Smokey the Bear] Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!

Craig Ferguson:
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.

Craig Ferguson:
You know, where I come from, an antique, to be called an antique, it has to be at least a hundred years old. That's a law: before you can call something an antique, it has to be a hundred years old. In L.A., something that's been around for a couple of weeks is an antique. It's true! People are like, "Look at this old-fashioned iPod. Look at this! It's the size of a man's hand! Ha ha ha ha. Back then-back then, people thought Mel Gibson was just acting crazy. It was a very different time."

Craig Ferguson:
[On '70s-era Scottish porn] The sexy magazine in Britain in that time was called Club International. Club International: It was about as international as the International House of Pancakes. It should have been called Naked Cockney Girls with Scurvy.

[Craig is greeting the audience]

Craig Ferguson:
Relax, you're among friends now. The long hard day is over and the roly-poly funny man is before you.

Craig Ferguson:
It's a great day for America, everybody! It's Monday, woo.

Craig Ferguson:
Ocean's 13 is all about cool people having a good time, and who doesn't want to see that? Well YOU, apparantly, 'cause you're watching me.

Craig Ferguson:
[referring to Halloween or Friday the 13th] Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.

Craig Ferguson:
I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.

Craig Ferguson:
That's not really wrestling. That's just throwing a snake.

[signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes]

Craig Ferguson:
I know!

[signature repeated line, at the end of some starting jokes]

Craig Ferguson:
You too, ladies!

[repeated line]

Craig Ferguson:
[at the end of jokes] Remind you of anyone?

[Craig is comparing two coffee mugs]

Craig Ferguson:
You notice, this cup is bigger than that cup. It's like a BRA!

[repeated line]

Craig Ferguson:
Come to my house!

[Discussing the snake in the Garden of Eden]

Craig Ferguson:
You know, I think there's a good rule of thumb here: Don't take nutritional advice from other species.

Craig Ferguson:
I KNOW that's not the right accent, but I can't DO the right accent. It's either the wrong accent or another Octomom joke.

[signature repeated line, at the end of some jokes]

Craig Ferguson:
Call me, _celebrity name_.

Craig Ferguson:
We don't hate giraffes here, we just put them in their place.

[Commenting on the studio audience's upbeat reaction to his downbeat material]

Craig Ferguson:
So it's a round of applause for stabbing myself in the testicle, FAILING, and the start of World War One!

[Craig is doing a "live rerun" that he claims is from September 4, 2007, about two years earlier. He has just read an email in which a viewer suggested Craig join a "crazy religion" to fit in with Hollywood. Craig pulls out his rattlesnake cup]

Craig Ferguson:
Actually, it's now I want to talk to you about Snakeism. A few years ago - about September the 4th, 2007 - I got involved with a cult. And I'm still in them. We believe that snakes are awesome, and it's... cool to be strict with your pets.

Craig Ferguson:
[laughing] And that's all we believe in!

Craig Ferguson:
Wait! Don't applaud my cheapness! I've got other crap I need help with!

Craig Ferguson:
People sometimes say to me: "Craig, get out of my garden."

Craig Ferguson:
What we DO have is nothin' but time. Welcome to the "Shawshank Redemption" of late night!

[after using a swear word in a monologue, which is censored]

Craig Ferguson:
They know what I'm saying, why don't you JUST LET ME SAY IT?

Craig Ferguson:
Even a chameleon needs the proper amount of suction.

[repeated line]

Geoff Petersen:
In your pants!

[repeated line]

Geoff Petersen:
Balls!

Craig Ferguson:
I look forward to your letters [insert name or group] .

Himself - Host:
[to Jim Caviezel, who had just faked a swing at Craig] You are like the angriest Jesus I ever met!

Himself - Host:
[to Jim Caviezel, who had made a fist and faked a swing at Craig] You are like the angriest Jesus I ever met!

Himself - Host:
Last year was quite a big one for you, wasn't it?

Rachel Blanchard:
I guess you could say that, yes.

Himself - Host:
And why was that?

Rachel Blanchard:
Well, the really big thing was that I got married.

Himself - Host:
Really?

Rachel Blanchard:
Yeah, see... [Rachel holds her left hand up to show her gold wedding band to Craig and the cameras]

Himself - Host:
Any kids yet?

Rachel Blanchard:
[Rachel laughs] No, not yet - Although we do want them and we're certainly having lots of fun trying!

Himself - Host:
So just who is the lucky guy, and where did you meet him?

Rachel Blanchard:
His name is Adrian, he's English, and I met him a couple of years ago while I was working over in the UK on a TV show there.

Himself - Host:
And you live over in the UK now, don't you? Do you like being over there?

Rachel Blanchard:
Yeah, we do, and it's great! We live in a small town away from the big cities where it's really quiet and nobody really knows me or what I do - When I'm there, I go by my married name so, to them, I'm just Mrs Rachel Brown, the Canadian girl who married a local guy, and not Rachel Blanchard, Hollywood actress.

[Regarding Vice-President Dick Cheney's hunting accident]

Craig Ferguson:
Remember, if you spend the weekend with Dick, you're going to get a shot in the face...

Craig Ferguson:
This is a great day for people who do what I do, this is a great day for talk-show hosts. Remember when Dick Cheney shot his lawyer in the face? It's like one of those days. It's like when Mel Gibson went crazy and blamed the Jewish people for everything, it's one of those days, it's fantastic.

Craig Ferguson:
It's eight years, now, isn't it? Um, what happened eight years ago, wh- it's such a terrible assault, such a, such an awful shock, such a, such a world-changing moment, and, and then, um... and, and of course it sent us reeling, and, and then, and then it started off a whole chain of events, and that was all, oh god, and, and - uh, the event in itself was - was - was cataclysmic. But, um... we're still here. And we're better than ever. And we're gonna *be* here. And I know that this, uh, this show goes out on, um, you know, uh... uh, the Internet, and, and computers, and, you know and people pirate it, and, you know - I, I can't think for the life of me why they do this, but... but it, but, but this happens, so, so there - it, it's conceivable - it's conceivable that, um, that even people who do not like the United States of America will see this show, who, people who are, uh, not our friends may be able to see this show. So, if you are watching, first of all, - - - -. And then - and then...

[interrupted by boisterous laughter and cheering from the audience]

Craig Ferguson:
Please, please - please, it, it - I'm preparing a speech for the United Nations. And also...

[more laughter]

Craig Ferguson:
And secondly, uh, you should probably be in possession of some information: We're not goin' anywhere. We're not goin' anywhere - not now, not then, not in the future, we're not goin' anywhere. We're here; we are the United States of America. We are *more* than a country; we are a dream.

[cheering]

Craig Ferguson:
And we're not goin' anywhere.

Craig Ferguson:
Something happened at ComiCon; Geoff went from being a robot... to a man.

Geoff Petersen:
Grant Imahara tightened my nuts!

Emma Thompson:
[speaking about her father] He died when he was pretty much my age - he was 52 when he died - and so the thought of him...

Emma Thompson:
[to the audience, motioning as if smoking a cigarette] it was the fags what got him...

Craig Ferguson:
[chuckling, explaining to the audience] Yeah, yeah, but - we, we call them cigarettes here, but we know what you mean.

Emma Thompson:
I started smoking, you know...

[as laughter rolls through the audience, she waves her hands and rolls her eyes in good-natured embarrassment]

Craig Ferguson:
[laughingly trying to calm the audience] Relax... relax...

Craig Ferguson:
[in mock horror, posing as a fey outraged viewer] *What* did she say?

Emma Thompson:
[rolling her eyes] He went - he went...

Craig Ferguson:
It's all right...

Emma Thompson:
[in a mock melodramatic "recollection" of her father's death] He went to the Isle of Wight... they *stoned* him...

[laughter again fills the audience]

Kristen Bell:
[Craig had shared that, as a teenager, he'd used butter to fight his facial acne challenges] You must have smelled delicious!

Himself - Host:
I still do!

Don Rickles:
You're gonna get more people in this closet?

Himself - Guest:
This show is like stepping into someone else's dream!

[first lines]

Craig Ferguson:
The day I left school was very like this. I was sitting right here doing some technical drawing. It was an exam. It was a nice day outside. Children were playing soccer and drinking and gamboling about the field like young lambs, and I was stuck here being bad at something I didn't care about. And in that moment, I decided I'm leaving. And I got up from right here and I left school and I never went back. And that's why I ended up at 12:30 on CBS.

Craig Ferguson:
[referring to the increasing number of characters on the show: Geoff, Secretariat and now Sandra] And we still don't have a band? You know, at a certain point, you think, "Wouldn't it be cheaper just to get a band?"

[last lines]

Mr. Wick:
Good night, Geoff Peterson.

Drew Carey:
What?

Mr. Wick:
Oh, nothing - just the clams talking. Good night.

[he drops off to sleep, as "Don't Stop Believin'" is heard]

Soundtrack:
Don't stop believin', hold on to that feeling/Streetlights, people, oh... /Don't stop

Geoff Petersen:
tonights program is brought to you by NeutrinO's. start tour day the right way with electrically neutral, weakly interacting sub-atomic particles with the taste thats out of this universe. brush your teeth regularly to avoid radioactive decay.

Geoff Petersen:
tonights program is brought to you by NeutrinO's. start your day the right way with electrically neutral, weakly interacting sub-atomic particles with the taste thats out of this universe. brush your teeth regularly to avoid radioactive decay.