The New Batman Adventures

Bruce Wayne:
What are you doing tonight?

Barbara Gordon:
Same thing we do every night, Pinky!

Bruce Wayne:
What?

Barbara Gordon:
...Never mind.

80's Batman:
This isn't a mudhole. It's an operating table. And I'm the surgeon.

[Robin fights Two-face in a movie theater]

Robin:
It's your kind of show, Puke face: a double feature.

[Batgirl attacks a thug]

Nightwing:
I saw him.

Batgirl:
Didn't look like it.

[Batman and Nightwing confront two bears]

Nightwing:
You take the brown one. I'll take... the other brown one.

Robin:
Nightwing! What are you doing here?

Nightwing:
Oh, just following a pattern of obsessive behavior instilled on me at an early age.

Batman:
You should work on your stealth skills. I heard you coming halfway across the roof.

Nightwing:
Good to see you, too.

Tim Drake:
[Regarding the Haley's Circus] This must've been such a cool place to grow up.

[Dick looks up, noticing acrobats performing on the trapeze]

Dick Grayson:
...It was.

Batman:
You all right?

Nightwing:
Yeah, what's a couple of ribs?

Det. Harvey Bullock:
You sure it's locked this time? We've got enough yahoos running around this city without having to deal with Yogi and Boo-Boo too.

Miranda Kane:
Look, I don't know how they got out, but I can assure you I have these bears under control.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Swell, cause I'll be back in the morning to make out a police report. And by that time, toots, you better have something more to say than, "I don't know."

Miranda Kane:
What are you doing with my bears?

The Mad Hatter:
"I can't explain myself", said Alice, "because I'm not myself, you see."

Miranda Kane:
Who are you?

The Mad Hatter:
A lonely wretch named Jervis Tetch. Also known as...

Miranda Kane:
The Mad Hatter.

The Mad Hatter:
At your service.

[Miranda raises her arm to strike him with her whip, but her python, brainwashed by the Mad Hatter, begins to bind her in it's coils]

The Mad Hatter:
"The time has come", the Walrus said, "to talk of many things... of bears and snakes, and clever crimes. That spring from circus rings."

Batman:
Who are you?

The Creeper:
They call me..."Yellow-Skinned Wacky Man!" But I prefer the Creeper.

Robin:
Call Arkham, quick.

[Harley slowly rises out of an oversized cream pie]

Harley Quinn:
[singing] Happy anniversary, Mr. J / You're really swell and okay / It's seven years to the day-hey / Take the night off, let's play...

[the Joker watches, gobsmacked]

The Joker:
Harley...

Harley Quinn:
Wanna try some of my pie?

The Joker:
Harley.

Harley Quinn:
I'm sure you'll want seconds.

Jack Ryder:
[On TV] Seven years ago this very night, the clown prince of crime, the Joker, was born on this spot. Since then, Gotham has repeatedly been rocked by the attacks of this criminal madman. Who is he? Where did he come from? What diabolical scheme is he plotting even now? I'm Jack Ryder. Join me as we answer these questions and more on Joker: The Madness Behind the Laughter. His true identity unknown. Operating under a variety of aliases. a nameless gunsel began his criminal career as a hitman for the Valestra mob. Then he struck out on his own, formed a gang...

Tim Drake:
Come on, Bruce. How many times do you have to hear this stuff?

Jack Ryder:
- First target: the Ace Chemical plant.

[Bruce flashes Tim a look]

Tim Drake:
Oh, I forgot. Mr. Obsessive.

Harley Quinn:
Think Bats saw you, puddy tat?

The Joker:
Oh, he did! He did! He'd never miss a show about me! He's my biggest fan!

The Joker:
How about that, Bats? You broke my face and got seven years of bad luck. Are you going to try for fourteen or are you going to try to raise that anchorman out of the ocean?

The Creeper:
I'd better slow down here, try to figure out logically what's going on.

[Creeper thinks for a second, the sound of something breaking is head as he grabs his head]

The Creeper:
Whoa, that hurt! Okay, we'll come back to that...

The Creeper:
I know you! Last time we met you were working for - dramatic pause - the Joker!

Mo:
We don't know nothing about no Joker, creep.

The Creeper:
Creep? Creep? I like it. My new name: the Creep!... No, wait. Too negative. I have it! I am - drum roll, please?

[silence]

The Creeper:
I said drum roll, please!

Cur:
[Banging on his head] Hey!

The Creeper:
I am... The Creeper!

The Creeper:
I like a girl who plays rough!

Robin:
But... she just tried to kill you!

The Creeper:
You're young. You'll learn.

Bruce Wayne:
Everything's changed for me in the past few weeks. The pain of my parents' deaths... It's still there, but it seems smaller. And there's a new feeling now.

Barbara Gordon:
Which would be?

Bruce Wayne:
It's a lightness. A sense that things will work out for the best.

Tim Drake:
It's called happiness.

Bruce Wayne:
Whatever it is, I like it. And I know who's responsible for it. I've asked Susan to marry me. She's accepted. She's everything I need. She's perfect.

Dick Grayson:
There's just one problem. That. [nods at the batsuit] How you gonna keep it from her?

Bruce Wayne:
I won't have to. I've always assumed that sooner or later the three of you would get all this. Well, it's going to be sooner. I'm not going to be Batman anymore.

Dick Grayson:
I give it a month.

Barbara Gordon:
You don't think the marriage will last?

Dick Grayson:
Not that. I'm saying he'll have the costume on again in a month.

Barbara Gordon:
I don't think so. He's changed.

Dick Grayson:
Yeah, right.

Barbara Gordon:
Anyone can change and settle down... even you.

Dick Grayson:
Don't get your hopes up.

Barbara Gordon:
Ha! As if!

Susan Maguire:
Why are you interrogating me like this?

Bruce Wayne:
Too much perfection, and too many green eyes.

Susan Maguire:
What are you talking about?

Bruce Wayne:
Let's just say I want to know more about you. Where you came from, your friends, your relatives.

Susan Maguire:
Oh, you're just being silly.

[Bruce stares sternly, as Susan tries to walk away. Bruce grabs her arm]

Bruce Wayne:
You're not leaving this cabin until you tell me. Well?

[Susan starts to sweat green liquid]

Bruce Wayne:
What are you?

Susan Maguire:
Why, Bruce. I'm your wife.

Bruce Wayne:
I should have known. It was too easy.

Susan Maguire:
Relationships aren't supposed to be easy. Even I know that and I'm just a vegetable.

Bruce Wayne:
Alfred tells me you failed a civics test?

Tim Drake:
Like I really care what a district attorney does.

Bruce Wayne:
You don't know the first thing about the American justice system, do you?

Tim Drake:
I know it's bogus.

Bruce Wayne:
And how did you come to that well-thought-out conclusion?

Tim Drake:
Watching you. You don't exactly follow the rules of due process.

Bruce Wayne:
[flustered] I... how did you do on you math test?

Bruce Wayne:
You don't have to do this. Wayne Enterprises helped save your wife's life, and we can help you.

Mr. Freeze:
It's too late for that. Much too late.

Bruce Wayne:
Why? I have some people working for me who can...

[Mr. Freeze smacks Bruce away]

Mr. Freeze:
You were just a boy when you lost your family. But you keep trying to create a surrogate family for yourself. To destroy you, I need only destroy that. Perhaps your... beloved surrogate son?

[Points his freeze gun at Tim Drake]

Mr. Freeze:
No. I think... the surrogate father.

[points and shoots at Alfred]

Ice Maiden #2:
Hey, Freeze, look who dropped in!

[Mr. Freeze reveals himself. Showing his head walking on robotic spider-like legs]

Batgirl:
Oh, my God.

Mr. Freeze:
Ah, I was hoping to see you again.

Batman:
What happened?

Mr. Freeze:
The accident that created me finally took its toll. By the time these doctors stopped my deterioration, all that was left undamaged was this.

Batgirl:
That's what you meant when you said it was too late for you.

Mr. Freeze:
Ironic, isn't it? After all I did to keep my wife whole, I end up like this. You understand now why I could not return to my Nora, my treasure. There's no hope for me, or you or your city. Everyone's going to feel my loss.

Mr. Freeze:
Search your hearts for the thing you value most, then despair. For I have come to take it from you.

Ice Maiden #3:
So, who's next, Freeze?

Mr. Freeze:
Someone important.

[turns on TV]

Mr. Freeze:
Someone who feels safe, secure, untouchable.

[footage of Bruce Wayne presenting a $1 million check to the Gotham City Orphanage]

Bruce Wayne:
As my father once told me, those who have the most must give the most.

Mr. Freeze:
Those who have the most also have the most to lose, Mr. Wayne.

Enoch Brown:
I say again, ladies and gentlemen, not since man put two slices of bread on either side of a hunk of meat has there been anything as exciting as what you are gonna see here today.

Reporter:
Well, that's what you've been saying for an hour. We haven't seen anything but your daughter and a tarp.

Enoch Brown:
Coming to it, sir. You want enough hamburger to feed a nation? You want a turkey drumstick big enough for the whole family this Thanksgiving? Well, you gotta have your special growth hormones invented by me, Farmer Brown.

Robin:
[after seeing the giant mutant cows] Holy Cow!

Batgirl:
You had to say it.

Farmer Brown:
Check your shoes for what the cow left and check your money. Two solid rules.

Detective Harvey Bullock:
So you survive the Joker and the rest of those freaks, only to buy it from Jed Clampett and a bunch of bugs.

Catwoman:
[Batman unexpectedly finds Catwoman napping in his Batmobile] About time you got here.

Batman:
Let me guess. You needed a warm place to spend the night.

Catwoman:
Kind of.

Batman:
I know of one. Jail.

Catwoman:
After what I just did for you, you don't trust me?

Batman:
I might have been knocked out twice tonight, but I still have my long-term memory.

Catwoman:
[about the Cat Cultists] And you can't get rid of them. They're like old boyfriends or warts.

Batman:
And you figured I'd save your skin.

Catwoman:
That's what you do, isn't it?

Batman:
Normally, but it'll cost you.

Catwoman:
Mmm. What do you have in mind?

Batman:
Everything you've ever stolen. It all goes back to the owners.

Catwoman:
You're crazy. That's my life's work you're talking about.

Batman:
All right, then.

[Batman slows down the Batmobile, allowing the Cultists to catch up]

Catwoman:
We got a deal. Drive!

Catwoman:
Look guys, fun is fun, but enough already. How about I give the statue back, say I'm sorry, and we forget the whole thing?

Martin:
Too late for that. It's been defiled, and the only way to sanctify it is with blood.

Catwoman:
And that would be mine, huh? No thanks.

Batman:
It's some kind of cult.

Catwoman:
Some detective. I could have told you that.

Batman:
It began in ancient Egypt. The cult worshiped cats, and one of their holiest rites was theft.

Catwoman:
Wait a minute. Cat worship? Theft? Those guys should be praying to me.

Batman:
Not likely.

Thomas Blake:
I should kill you, you know. There's no reason not to.

Catwoman:
I could give you one. Or two.

Thomas Blake:
No one's ever eluded us for as long as you did. What's your secret?

Catwoman:
What's yours? No one's ever chased me as long as you did. Normally, I like men who don't know when to quit, but...

Thomas Blake:
We're deeply committed to our faith.

Catwoman:
Ah, yes. Your faith. Why don't you tell me all about it?

Female Cultist:
She's stalling. Let's kill her and be done with it!

Thomas Blake:
She asked about our faith. That's the first step towards conversion.

[Unshackles Catwoman's ankles and wrists]

Catwoman:
And conversion's good for the soul. Not to mention the body.

Batman:
Tell me where Catwoman is?

Martin:
Wh-Where are you?

Batman:
Wrong answer. You're fond of cats, aren't you? Maybe you'll like my favorite animal. [Unleashed a colony of bats towards Martin]

Catwoman:
So, you see I've always loved cats, and I've always loved stealing. It's like I was one of you all along without even knowing it.

Female Cultist:
Rubbish. You're just a common thief.

[Catwoman grabs the female Cultist around the neck]

Catwoman:
I'm a spectacular thief.

Mugsy:
Well, look who it is!

Rhino:
Mr. Ventriloquist. We heard you was out of stir.

Arnold Wesker:
Mugsy? Rhino?

Mugsy:
So how come you and the boss ain't stopped by the old digs yet?

Rhino:
We sure do miss you and Mr. Scarface.

Arnold Wesker:
Mr. Scarface is gone. Now, excuse me. I have to go.

Rhino:
Hey, what's your rush?

Mugsy:
Ya too good for your ol' buddies now? All high and mighty?

Arnold Wesker:
No, no. I have to stay away from you. Doctor's orders. To keep Scarface away.

Mugsy:
Who you kiddin'? You can't ditch the boss! He's too smart for that.

Rhino:
Yeah, when's he comin' back?

Arnold Wesker:
He's not coming back! He's gone!

Scarface:
What's the matter, dummy? Havin' a bad day?

Arnold Wesker:
Huh? Who's there?

Scarface:
Thought you could get rid of me, huh? Pull some sort of psychobabble snuff job?

Arnold Wesker:
No! No!

Scarface:
Well, I'm commin' back, and I got a score to settle with you.

Arnold Wesker:
No, please! It can't be!

Scarface:
Nobody pushes Scarface around!

Arnold Wesker:
[whimpering] Nooooo!

Scarface:
Dummy, I know you're there. Pick up. Alright, how about this? Pick up the phone, or I pop a blood vessel in your head. One, two...

Arnold Wesker:
[Arnold picks up] But you're gone! I'm cured!

Scarface:
Cured? I ain't a case of the sniffles, dummy. And I don't roll over just 'cause some quack waves a two-dollar watch at me. Nobody pulls my strings, dummy. Especially not you!

Arnold Wesker:
No! I don't want you back! You can't...

Scarface:
Shut up! Did I ask your permission? I'm givin' the orders here!

Arnold Wesker:
But you're not real!

Scarface:
No? Look across the street.

[Arnold looks out the window and sees Scarface in the phonebooth]

Scarface:
Now, strap on your dancin' shoes and get ready for my comin'-out party. You got that?

Arnold Wesker:
...Yes, sir, Mr. Scarface.

Scarface:
That's better.

Batman:
Arnold, don't do this.

Arnold Wesker:
It's out of my hands.

Batman:
He's the puppet, not you.

Scarface:
Don't listen to him, dummy! He's playin' you like a cheap fiddle! Do him already!

Arnold Wesker:
[hesitantly points gun at Batman] I'm sorry.

Scarface:
Come on! What are you waitin' for? For once in your life, do something right!

Arnold Wesker:
...Yes.

[Arnold turns the gun on Scarface, shooting him multiple times until he falls off the railing, falling towards rotating AC fan]

Scarface:
That's it, dummy! When I get my hands on...

[Scarface falls into the fan, instantly ending up sawdust]

Arnold Wesker:
-And Mr. Wayne even gave me my job back.

Mrs. Segar:
I'm so glad, Arnie. Maybe now that you're back, you won't be such a stranger this time. Use the rec room. Sometimes it helps to be around others.

Arnold Wesker:
I will. But for right now, I'm just looking forward to being by myself.

The Penguin:
That's right. I need chainsaws, dump-trucks, hedge-clippers, and a bottle of aspirin down here - now!

[Supergirl and Barbara are watching the news]

Reporter:
Livewire, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn. So who was responsible for the collar?

Detective Harvey Bullock:
Just a couple of rookies.

Barbara Gordon:
Rookies?

Kara Kent:
You bum!

Reporter:
Impressive

Detective Harvey Bullock:
Well, they show some potential.

Barbara Gordon, Kara Kent:
Yes!

[They high five]

Kara Kent:
[answering Clark's phone] Hello, Dullsville Central.

Batman:
Is Clark Kent there?

Kara Kent:
No, may I ask who's calling?

Batman:
A friend. It's critical that he gets this message.

Kara Kent:
Shoot.

Batman:
Livewire has escaped in Gotham. If he wants to get *on top of the story*, he needs to get there, right away. Do you understand?

Kara Kent:
Who is this? Sounds like a cape to me.

[Batman hangs up]

Livewire:
[to Supergirl] At least Superman had the smarts to keep his distance. Tsk, tsk. Half the size, half the strength, and apparently, half the brain.

Dr. Pamela Isley:
Your hyenas have been watering my plans again. One more time and they're mulch.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
Come on, Red. Give them a break. We're all bored cooped up in here.

The Penguin:
We're closed. Besides, you aren't even old enough to come in here.

Supergirl:
Wanna see my I.D.?

The Penguin:
No! I want Batman, Superman, or someone who can do something!

Batgirl:
Like it or not, we're all you've got.

Detective Harvey Bullock:
So she smoked ya.

Supergirl:
We put up a fight.

Detective Harvey Bullock:
And lost. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but where's the Bat?

Batgirl:
We're handling this.

Detective Harvey Bullock:
Oh, that's reassuring.

Batgirl:
Don't let that doughnut dunker get to you. We're gonna have this whole thing sewn up before Batman and Superman get back.

Supergirl:
Sure. How hard can it be? Two against one, right?

Batgirl:
Right!

Livewire:
[after Harley splashes water on Livewire] Are you out of your mind?

Harley Quinn:
[Thinks for a minute] Yeah.

Commissioner James Gordon:
[regarding a wanted suspect] Look at those eyes. How does someone get a face like that?

Robin:
Luck.

Commissioner James Gordon:
[Commissioner Gordon and Batman look at Robin] What?

Robin:
Sorry, I was thinking about a girl.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Teenagers. Glad my Babara's past her wild years.

[Batman turns to Gordon and raises an eyebrow]

Matt Hagen:
[Approaching Annie] Do you know how long I've been looking for you? You were supposed to come right back.

Robin:
Who are you? What do you want?

Matt Hagen:
I'm her father, punk. Stay out of it!

Robin:
Oh, I don't think so.

Matt Hagen:
I said, out of my way!

Annie:
Don't you see? I'm not real.

Robin:
Yes you are!

Clayface:
No, she's not. You know now. You're part of me. Come home.

Robin:
[to Annie] Stay behind me. Don't let him touch you.

Clayface:
I've warned you once, kid. Stay out of this!

Annie:
I... I don't know what to do anymore.

Clayface:
Come back to me. It's the only thing you can do.

Robin:
No! Annie, run!

Batman:
[places hand on Robin's shoulder] Sometimes there are no happy endings.

Cop:
[regarding Clayface] We'll book him on the robberies and B and E, right? Anything else?

Robin:
Yeah, murder.

Little Boy:
[Bullock is doing undercover as a mall Santa] You're not the real Santy Claus.

Detective Harvey Bullock:
Sure I am. Wanna see my gun?

The Joker:
Hi-ho couch potatoes. I'm interrupting the Toilet Bowl to bring you my very special New Year's resolution: ahem, starting tonight at midnight, I, your loving uncle Joker, do solemnly vow not to kill anyone for a whole year. Which means I'm going to have to work extra fast to bump off a few more of you today. [laughs madly]

[Bruce Wayne backs up and falls down an open elevator shaft]

Harley Quinn:
Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! We-we killed him!... Oh well.

Poison Ivy:
We were going to do it anyway.

Harley Quinn:
We got his credit cards; what's to worry?

[first lines]

Harley Quinn:
I'm depressed, Red. Here it is holiday time and we're hiding out in this dingy rat trap. No presents, no fun, no nothin'. Can't we at least get a Christmas tree?

Poison Ivy:
What? And support the mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December?

Harley Quinn:
But Christmas trees are so bright and fun and pretty. Oh, please? Please? Please? Please?

Batgirl:
Don't waste your ammo on him. Shoot the Santa.

[last lines]

Commissioner James Gordon:
One of these years, I'm going to beat him to the check.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Close one this time.

Batman:
They're all close ones.

Commissioner James Gordon:
[giving a toast] Well, here's to survival. Hopefully, we'll be doing this again next New Year's Eve.

Detective Harvey Bullock:
Well, so much for Frosty the Lawn Cigar.

Batgirl:
[holding back Joker so he can't jump off the boat] Don't be stupid! You can't save that money!

The Joker:
I don't want to save it! I want to go with it!

The Joker:
I may be crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS? No thank you!

The Joker:
[to his barking hyenas] Yeah, yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favor and eat each other.

Poison Ivy:
You're pathetic, you know that?

Harley Quinn:
Come on, Red. So Mr. J. was a little stressed about money. Now that he's loaded, Puddin'll buy my way out, too.

Poison Ivy:
Oh yeah, right, sure thing, Harl.

[shows Harley the newspaper frontpage]

Harley Quinn:
[reading headline] "Joker seeks new henchgirl"?

[exterior shot of Arkham]

Harley Quinn:
I'LL KILL HIM!

Ernie:
Hey boss. Why didn't you buy Harley a ticket out of the bin too?

The Joker:
Now, now, Ernie. Mustn't be too extravagant. besides, it's cheaper to hire a new one.

[Walking among a row of "Harley candidates"]

The Joker:
Too fat. Too small. Too old.

The Joker:
[takes a good look at Paul Dini, dressed in a Harley Quinn outfit]... No.

Paul Dini:
Darn!

Dick Grayson:
You sure The Joker's inside?

Barbara Gordon:
The Penguin's throwing a "going legit" party.

Oswald Cobblepot:
Sorry, we're full up tonight. Shoo, shoo.

Barbara Gordon:
[loudly] Gee, you'd never think Penguin would turn away the Police Commissioner's daughter.

Oswald Cobblepot:
[under his breath] Egad, Gordon's brat! [speaks up] My dear Miss Gordon, how nice to see you! Welcome, have fun, and by all means, send the bill to me.

Barbara Gordon:
Thank you, Mr. Cobblepot.

Oswald Cobblepot:
[muttering] Lousy little freeloader...

[on a videotaped deathbed message]

King Barlowe:
Hiya, Joker. If you're watching this tape, you've probably figured out you've been had. Yeah, I left you some dough, but only ten million, which, knowing you, you've already blown. See, I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback. By now you're probably out of real money, the I.R.S. is after you, and you can't admit I fooled you, or you'll be the laughingstock of the underworld. The joke's on you, sucker! I got the last laugh after all!

[He starts laughing hysterically, then gasps and reaches for his oxygen tank, but is still grinning into the camera when Joker shoots the television]

[Batman rescues Two-Face, only to have Two-Face knock him out]

Two-Face:
Remind me to thank you later.

The Riddler:
Hey, diddle diddle, time for a riddle.

The Penguin:
My dear fellow, I contacted all my usual sources, but I'm afraid it's just not a seller's market.

Killer Croc:
What's that supposed to mean?

The Penguin:
[pulls out a briefcase] $50,000 for the diamond. Not a penny more.

Killer Croc:
That's robbery! That rock's worth 10 times that much!

The Penguin:
Don't forget, as a legitimate businessman, I have my expenses too: taxes, overhead, labor.

Two-Face:
And they call me two-faced.

The Judge:
Is there no honor among thieves, Mr. Cobblepot? And you're worse than a thief. Trafficking in stolen goods.

The Penguin:
I don't know who you are, sir, but I assure you, my transactions were all legitimate. You see, I had no actual knowledge that the items were stolen. Given that, I don't see how the law can touch me.

The Judge:
I am the law... and I find you guilty!

Alfred Pennyworth:
I wasn't aware that the police evidence room had a lending policy.

The Judge:
May heaven have mercy on your souls, Two-Face. Both of them.

Guard #1:
Another day, another toll pickup. Wish I had a nickel for every car that's been through these gates.

Guard #2:
I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard you say that.

The Judge:
You are accused of murder... mayhem... manslaughter. How do you plead?

Killer Croc:
You're nuts! [Dives away from The Judge]

The Judge:
You can't escape justice.

Killer Croc:
Watch me!

J. Carroll Corcoran:
Two-Face, please! I got money! Cash! I can pay you!

Two-Face:
Don't tell me choir boy's got a slush fund.

J. Carroll Corcoran:
Kickbacks from the Gothcorp project. A hundred grand... I can have it here in an hour!

Two-Face:
Should've said something earlier. We could have flipped on it.

J. Carroll Corcoran:
What are you waiting for! They were going to murder me!

The Judge:
Who are you to judge? You pose as a defender of the law while secretly stealing from the very people you swore to protect.

J. Carroll Corcoran:
No! You've got it wrong!

The Judge:
And then you lie to the Judge!

The Judge:
[Voice over] Order in the court! In the matter of the people versus Harvey Dent, how does the prisoner plead?

Two-Face:
Guilty... Guilty... Guilty...

The Judge:
It's about time someone threw the book at you.

Batman:
I thought I'd better find you before the Judge did.

Two-Face:
Don't do me any favors!

The Judge:
Batman, I hold you in contempt!

Nick:
The way I hear it, he isn't even human! He's like a giant pterodactyl beast with big fangs and talons! And when he sees a bad guy, he swoops down from the sky and carries him off! Skree! Skree!

50's Joker:
[on the radio] "Sing a song of larceny, sing it round the town! Joker's stealing laughter and Batman is going down!" HA HA HA HA! The comedy is finished!

Security Guard:
The Joker! I'd better stay on my toes!

[Scene cuts back to the kids]

Nick:
"Better stay on my toes"? He actually said that? Out Loud?

Matt:
I don't know. This is how my uncle tells it.

50's Batman:
Hold it right there, Joker!

50's Joker:
Eh?

[Joker looks up to see Batman and Robin in the skylight]

50's Joker:
Batman!

50's Batman:
We got your clue about stealing laughter, "The comedy is finished".

50's Robin:
A famous line from Paliacci, the opera about a sad clown.

50's Batman:
It was your twisted way of saying you'd steal the original score.

50's Robin:
Now we're going to make our own clown cry.

50's Batman:
[Shaking hands with Robin] Well done, old chum.

Joel:
Hey! Who's talking about Batman? I love Batman. All those muscles, the tight rubber armor and that flashy car. I heard it can drive up walls.

Nick:
Yeah, sure, Joel.

Matt:
We should get out of here.

Carrie Kelley:
Batman wouldn't run.

Nick:
How do you know?

Carrie Kelley:
'Cause I know what he's really like. And you guys are both totally clueless. First of all, Batman's real old, like, about 50. And second, Robin's a girl.

Mutant Leader:
They think we a gang! They think we just noisy kids! But soon they see, we are the future! We are the law!

[the Mutants all cheer]

Rob:
See, Don? Leader's really riffin' now.

Don:
Leader's billy berserk, man.

Mutant Leader:
I myself will kill the fool, Batman! I will rip the meat from his bones and suck them dry! Gotham City belongs to the Mutants!

80's Batman:
They don't even wait for an order. Kids these days. No respect.

Mutant Leader:
Batman! I call you coward! Come out and face your death like a man! I kill you! I eat your heart! I show you who rules Gotham City!

80's Batman:
Okay, son. Show me.

80's Batman:
You don't get it, son. This isn't a trash heap.

[Batman grabs the Mutant Leader's leg]

80's Batman:
It's an operating table.

[the Mutant Leader shrieks with pain as a sickening crunch is heard]

80's Batman:
...And I'm the surgeon.

Firefly:
Who's there? Show yourself!

[Firefly fires a flair into the auditorium. Nick, Carrie and Matt slowly raise their hands, surrendering]

Firefly:
Kids. Tough break. Hope you like it hot. [remote activates expolsives around the room]

Matt:
He got my signal!

Batman:
[to Firefly] I heard you were setting fires for money, Lynns. A little pressure, and your client gave up where'd you be.

Matt:
[disappointed] Oh.

Matt:
See? He was just like I said!

Carrie Kelley:
What are you talking about? Did you see the way he fought?

Matt:
Yeah, but he also had that foam thing.

Nick:
And when he flew away at the end, I'm telling you, he's not human.

Carrie Kelley:
Get off it, he's human.

Nick:
I don't know. I thought I saw fangs...

Mary Louise Dahl:
Why don't they ever understand? I'm not a baby. I'm not a child! I'm just... different!

Judge:
Have you anything to say before I pass judgment?

Killer Croc:
Yeah. I'm a victim of prejudice. Look at me. Nobody understands how rough my life's been, just 'cause I'm... different.

Judge:
Nevertheless, it is the judgment of this court that you, Killer Croc, are competent to stand trial for murder in the first degree. Court is adjourned.

Killer Croc:
Competent? Competent? That's an insult, you old bag of gas! I'm not just competent... I'm as good as it gets!

Guard:
Hey Croc. You got a visitor.

Killer Croc:
Get lost.

Mary Louise Dahl:
I brought you something. They told me you liked chicken. [Baby Doll tosses a entire fried chicken into Croc's cell]

Killer Croc:
What do you want?

Mary Louise Dahl:
I heard what you said to the judge. I want you to know that I understand about being different. You've never let the way you look undermine your self-confidence. I admire that. I feel somehow that we're kindred spirits.

Killer Croc:
Too bad we didn't meet sooner, babe. They're sending me up the river tomorrow night. My number's up.

Mary Louise Dahl:
Don't lose hope. Maybe fate will take a hand.

Killer Croc:
Hey, babe. I'm home.

Baby Doll:
Crocy-Wockle! [Baby Doll leaps onto Killer Croc and delivers some kisses] Where have you been? Baby misses her precious soo much!

Killer Croc:
All right, all right, enough of the mushy stuff. I went out to get our reviews. [places some newspapers on the table, all of them headlining Killer Croc and Baby Doll's crime sprees. Baby Doll notices one with the headline "Gotham's Bonnie and Clyde"]

Baby Doll:
Ooh! Bonnie and Clyde! How romantic!

Killer Croc:
That's nothing, Doll. Even the out-of-town rags like us. [places down a Daily Planet newspaper. It too headlining Croc and Doll] We got the whole city panicked. I love it! [Croc starts walking towards the exit]

Baby Doll:
Where is Crockle going?

Killer Croc:
Don't wqrry. I'll be back for dinner.

Baby Doll:
No! Baby wanna come! Baby wanna come!

[Killer Croc raises his arm to smack Baby Doll away, but stops and calms down]

Baby Doll:
Don't go, precious. We can plan our next job. It's gonna be a whole bunch of fun!

Killer Croc:
That's your territory, Doll. I got things to do.

Batgirl:
Are you sure about this?

Batman:
So far all their robberies have been near water. Baby Doll's playing towards her man's strength.

Batgirl:
What do you suppose they do on a date?

Batman:
...I don't want to think about it.

Harley Quinn:
That's a real gasser, right Mr. J?

The Joker:
[grabbing Harley by the hat] I make the punchlines here! Got it?

Harley Quinn:
Yes sir.

[Joker bursts from the door, to see Batman hanging above a tank filled with piranas]

The Joker:
HARLEY!

Harley Quinn:
Hi, Puddin'! You're just in time to see the...

[Joker slaps Harley across the room, then turns to Batman]

The Joker:
Excuse me just a minute.

Harley Quinn:
But Puddin', I-I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?

The Joker:
Only if I do it, idiot!

Harley Quinn:
But it's still your plan, see?

[shows him his blueprints]

Harley Quinn:
Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles. Now it all works!

[Joker grabs the blueprints and tears them up]

The Joker:
Except you had to *explain* it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE!

[He advances on Harley, growling. Nervously, she grabs hold of a swordfish]

Harley Quinn:
Now calm down, Puddin'...

The Joker:
You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy...

[grabs the swordfish out of her hands]

The Joker:
YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!

[Joker whacks Harley with the swordfish, sending her crashing out the window and plunging down several stories to land in a pile of garbage, apparently dead]

The Joker:
And don't call me Puddin'.

Batman:
[Talking to Joker on a moving train] She almost had me, you know. Arms and legs chained, dizzy from the blood rushing to my head. I had no way out other than convincing her to call you. I knew your massive ego wouldn't let anyone else take the honor of killing me. Although you have to admit she came a lot closer than you ever did... Puddin'.

[Joker stares for a second, then goes absolutely berserk and attacks]

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
[last lines, as a heavily bandaged Harleen is taken into Arkham Assylum] Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is: a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...

[she turns her head to see a rose on her bedside table with a note attatched saying "Feel better soon. - J."]

Harley Quinn:
...angel!

The Joker:
A bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry.

Harley Quinn:
You know, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed some of our romps, but there comes a time when a gal wants more. And now, all this gal wants is to settle down with her lovin' sweetheart.

Batman:
You, and the Joker?

Harley Quinn:
Right-a-rooney.

[Batman laughs]

Harley Quinn:
I've never seen you laugh before! I don't think I like it!

[Batman laughs even harder]

Harley Quinn:
Cut it out! You're giving me the creeps!

Batman:
You little fool. The Joker doesn't love anything except himself. Wake up, Harleen. He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham.

Harley Quinn:
That's not - no. NO! He told me things, secret things that he never told anyone!

Batman:
Was it his line about the abusive father? Or the one about the runaway mom. He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.

Harley Quinn:
Stop it! You're making me confused!

Batman:
What was it he told that one parole officer... Oh yeah, "There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy. He took me to the Ice Show when I was seven."

Harley Quinn:
[softly] Circus... He said it was the Circus.

Batman:
He's got a million of them, Harley.

Harley Quinn:
[wiping away her tears] YOU'RE WRONG! MY PUDDIN' DOES LOVE ME! HE DOES! You're the problem! And now you're gonna die and make everything right!

The Joker:
Well, Batsy, it's been a hoot, as always. May the floss be with you!

Harley Quinn:
Oh, come on, Puddin'! Don't you wanna rev up your "Harley"? Vroom vroom!

Harley Quinn:
Face it, Harl, this stinks! You're a certified nutso wanted in twelve states and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown. At wait point did my life go Looney Tunes? How did it happen? Who's to blame?... Batman, that's who. Batman! It's always been Batman! Ruining my life, spoiling my fun! Coming between me and my Puddin' from the very beginning...

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
[Holding a note] Care to tell me how this got in my office?

The Joker:
I put it there.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.

The Joker:
If you really were going to tell, you already would have. You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name. Harley Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
Like the clown character, Harlequin. I know. I've heard it before.

The Joker:
It's a name that puts a smile on my face. It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to. Someone who might like to hear my secrets.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
[narrating] It took me nearly three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.

The Joker:
You know... my father used to beat me up pretty badly.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
[narrating] Anything except that.

The Joker:
Every time I got out of line, BAM! Or sometimes I'd just be just sitting there, doing nothing. POW! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
Uh-huh.

The Joker:
There was only one time I ever saw Dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was seven. Oh, I still remember the clowns running around, dropping their pants.

[laughs]

The Joker:
My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut! So the very next night, I ran up to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, Dad! Look at me!"

[drops pants]

The Joker:
ZOOP! I took a big pratfall, and tore the crotch clean out of his pants!

[Both start laughing hysterically]

The Joker:
...And then he broke my nose. But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from folks who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... Or Batman.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
[narrating] It soon became clear to me the Joker, so often described as a raving, homicidal madman... was actually a tortured soul crying out for love and acceptance. A lost, injured child trying to make the world laugh at his antics. And there, as always, was the self-righteous Batman. Determined to make life miserable for my angel. Yes, I admit it. As unprofessional as it sounds, I had fallen in love with my patient. Pretty crazy, huh?

The Joker:
Not at all. As a dedicated career-oriented you woman, you felt the need to abstain from all amusement and fun. It's only natural you'd be attracted to a man who could make you laugh again.

Dr. Harleen Quinzel:
I knew you'd understand.

The Joker:
Anytime.

The Joker:
[examining his plans] Boring... lame... not funny... been done... too Riddler...

Calendar Girl:
Strange, isn't it? Dinosaurs have been dead for millions of years, yet they still get parts in movies.

[after Calendar Girl is caught, a police officer pulls off her mask]

Calendar Girl:
NO! DON'T LOOK AT ME!

[She writhes around, trying to hide her face. Batman and Batgirl are watching from above]

Batgirl:
But... she's beautiful.

Batman:
She can't see that now. All she can see are the flaws.

Zaltig Lady:
Isn't it lovely? I've got to buy one.

Husband:
For who?

[She hits him]

Husband:
What did I do?

Calendar Girl:
Beware the Ides of March.

Miss Solstice:
No! Please! I'm too young to die!

Calendar Girl:
Honey, you're never too thin and you're never too young.

Donna Day:
Listen, if you let me go, I can make it worth your while. I'm the sole owner of a major company.

Barkley James:
Help me, and I promise Gotham Motors will see you're taken care of.

Donna Day:
Hey! I made the first offer, company man!

Barkley James:
Rag merchant!

Donna Day:
Junk dealer!

Henchman:
You know what I want from you two?

Donna Day, Barkley James:
[Eagerly] What?

Henchman:
QUIET! The boss is thinking.

Guru:
If I were you, I wouldn't move.

Batman:
You're not me.

Guru:
And after that, Batman handed him over to the cops. There wasn't anything we could do.

The Scarecrow:
What's the use of providing me with test patients if you're going to lose them? You should had monitored him more carefully.

Guru:
We-we tried, but we had no idea your treatment would be that effective.

The Scarecrow:
All the more reason to keep the subjects under close scrutiny. We don't want to give ourselves away just yet. Do we?

The Scarecrow:
[regarding crocodiles] Terrifying, aren't they?

Bruce Wayne (Disguised):
What's going on?

The Scarecrow:
That's what I'd like to know. Who are you? Why were you snooping around?

Bruce Wayne (Disguised):
Easy, easy. I was just looking for some loose cash. I wasn't trying to move in on your operation. Whatever it is.

The Scarecrow:
A thief. I thought as much. [Raises gun]

Bruce Wayne (Disguised):
Hey, be cool!

[Scarecrow shoots the gun, hitting Bruce with fearless gas]

The Scarecrow:
Scared you, didn't I?

Batman:
Where's the gas?

Guru:
Go ahead. Throw me in jail. It won't do you any good.

Batman:
Who said anything about jail?

[Batman throws the Guru out the window, rope tied around his legs, leaving his dangling outside the building]

Robin:
Batman!

Batman:
Quiet.

Guru:
[Whimperng] Help!

Batman:
You didn't answer my question.

Guru:
I-I can't! He'll kill me!

Batman:
Death is death. Does it matter who administers it?

Robin:
You're not really gonna - ?

Guru:
No. No! No!

Batman:
My question, remember?

Guru:
He-he took the gas down to the 72nd Street subway station.

Batman:
Why?

Guru:
He's gonna fill the tunnels with it.

Batman:
Just in time for rush hour.

[Robin throws a batarang around Batman, tying him up]

Batman:
This isn't a time for games. Now, untie me.

Robin:
It's no game. You're out of control.

Batman:
You don't know what you're talking about.

Robin:
That gas has affected you more than you think.

Batman:
I told you I can handle it.

Robin:
You can't! You're not even afraid to kill. I'll be back for you as soon as I can.

Batman:
Robin, It's hard for me to say this, but you did the right thing. I was out of control, and you've made me see that.

Robin:
I did what I had to.

Batman:
What now?

Robin:
I've got to stop The Scarecrow.

Batman:
I can help you. I know him.

Robin:
But...

Batman:
Don't worry, you'll be the boss on this one.

Robin:
...You almost fooled me. [Starts to walk away]

Batman:
Untie me, you little... UNTIE ME!

The Scarecrow:
This message is for the mayor. You'll soon see what Gotham City will be like without fear. And it won't be pretty. Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power. And today it will also be quite expensive... if you want the antidote.

Male spectator:
[a man is seen swinging above the city crowd] Hey! It's him!

Boy:
Who, Mommy? Who? [City crowd murmurs] Who is it, Mommy?

Mother:
Why that's Batman, honey. [the swinging man then crashes into large neon lights] Uh, maybe it's not him. [the swinging man laughs maniacally]

Robin:
[after Nightwing knocks out a mugger Robin was after] I could'a handled him.

Nightwing:
Could'a, would'a, didn't.

Robin:
You sound just like Batman.

Nightwing:
I'm nothing like him.

Robin:
Yeah, right. The Mask, the attitude, the long underwear.

Nightwing:
Drop it!

Robin:
I'd love to know what happened between you two.

Nightwing:
Things change.

Robin:
No kidding. You guys used to be the greatest. Batman and Robin, the Dynamic Duo.

Nightwing:
Maybe you should ask him.

Robin:
I did. And you'll never guess what he said. "Things change."

Barbara Gordon:
[At Dick's graduation] You must be so proud of Dick.

Alfred Pennyworth:
He's like a second son, you know.

The Joker:
Nice entrance. Either you've never heard of a door or you just like pulling glass out of your shorts.

Batman:
Where's the Joker?

Connor:
I- I don't know.

[Batman slams Connor against the wall]

Connor's Son:
Daddy!

Batman:
Remember now?

[Robin watches as Connor's wife and child huddle in the corner in fear]

Robin (Dick Grayson):
Batman, not like this. Not in front of his family.

Batman:
The sooner he talks, the sooner we leave.

Robin (Dick Grayson):
[Sees Connor's son starting to cry] I'm out of here now!

Barbara Gordon:
He was so upset he couldn't even talk about it. It wasn't the first time I've seen him like that. What is it between you two? What's going on?

Bruce Wayne:
You really care for him, don't you?

[Barbara nods]

Bruce Wayne:
Follow me.

Barbara Gordon:
[as Barbara decends into the Batcave] Oh, my god.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Master Bruce, I - [notices Barbara] Ms. Gordon, I uh, see you've discovered our little secret. Yes, I admit it, I am Batman.

Bruce Wayne:
It's all right, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth:
Very good, sir.

Barbara Gordon:
Why would you trust me with this?

Bruce Wayne:
For Dick's sake. Besides, I'm not the only one with a secret, am I... Batgirl?

Barbara Gordon:
How did you - ?

Bruce Wayne:
I make it my business to know.

Bruce Wayne:
Alfred, contact Robin.

Alfred Pennyworth:
I've already tried, sir. I'm afraid he's not answering

Bruce Wayne:
Keep trying. The Joker will have his goons well-placed. I'm gonna need back-up.

Barbara Gordon:
You've already got it.

[Batman knocks away Joker's pet hyenas]

The Joker:
Hey! Do I hit your kids?... Oh, actually I do. Ha-ha!

Robin (Dick Grayson):
Batgirl. I still can't believe it. How could you keep something like this from me?

Batgirl:
You weren't exactly honest with me, either.

Robin (Dick Grayson):
But you told him.

Batgirl:
He knew.

Batman:
It wasn't my place to tell you.

Robin (Dick Grayson):
But it was your place to put her in danger.

Batgirl:
It wasn't like that. I volunteered!

Robin (Dick Grayson):
You think you did. You don't know him like I do. He manipulates, pulls strings, anything to get what he wants.

Batman:
I thought we had the same goals.

Robin (Dick Grayson):
Things change. I've changed. The game's over, Batman. I quit.

Batman:
Robin, wait.

[Batman grabs Robin's shoulder. Robin then turns around and hits Batman in the face]

[Nightwing and Robin are waiting for Connor in his office]

Connor:
You almost gave me a heart attack. I thought you were the Batman.

Nightwing:
No.

Connor:
I ran up against him once. It was a real eye-opener. Forced me to get my life together. Now I've got this great job. Even Mr. Wayne knows me. Terrific guy. Never too busy to stop and ask how my boy's doing.

[pause]

Nightwing:
Mr. Wayne is a good man.

Batman:
Jim...

Commissioner James Gordon:
How could you? I worked with you, trusted you... And you never told me?

[Batman looks down]

Commissioner James Gordon:
She was my daughter. My daughter!

[Batman goes to console him, but is stopped at gun point by Bollock]

Det. Harvey Bullock:
That's as far as you go, murderer.

Bruce Wayne:
[Picking up the phone] Yes?

Commissioner James Gordon:
Wayne.

Bruce Wayne:
Commissioner? What can I do for you?

Commissioner James Gordon:
Drop the act. Ten minutes on Barbara's computer told me everything. Like a fool I allowed you to run wild on your private crusade. A psychotic misfit playing masked hero. Now I've paid for it with Barbara's life.

Bruce Wayne:
Jim, believe me. I know how you feel.

Commissioner James Gordon:
You can't.

Bruce Wayne:
You know how I lost my parents. The only way I could hold on to my sanity was to take matters into my own hands.

Commissioner James Gordon:
That makes us even.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Seal the building! No one gets in or out! I want SWAT teams in place, helicopter backup!

Commissioner James Gordon:
Harvey, we both know we'll never catch him. Not that way.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
So what do we do?

Commissioner James Gordon:
What I should've done years ago.

Detective Renee Montoya:
Freeze! Richard Grayson, you have the right to remain silent.

Nightwing:
Waived.

Tim Drake:
They've got him downtown. I figure we break in, take out the guards, and spring Nightwing and Alfred at the same time.

Batman:
No.

Tim Drake:
What do you mean?

Batman:
It's over, Tim. Gordon feels betrayed, and maybe he was. He won't give up until he gets me. You have to leave me now. Give yourself up. No one will blame you for what happened.

Tim Drake:
What about you?

Batman:
...I don't know

Bane:
You can't believe how I've looked forward to this.

[swings Batman around by his cape, flinging him against the wall]

Bane:
Though I was hoping for more of a fight. But what can I expect from a killer of children?

Bane:
[Wiping blood from his jaw] You would fight to the death?

Batman:
It makes no difference now.

Commissioner James Gordon:
There's no place to run, Wayne.

Bane:
Good, I want to finish him slowly.

[Gordon shoots a warning shot near Bane's feet]

Commissioner James Gordon:
I want him alive! Alive, to rot away in Arkham. Surrounded by the monsters he's created.

Bane:
Poetic, but no.

[lunges at Gordon and swats the gun away]

Commissioner James Gordon:
We had a deal!

Bane:
Thought about it. Didn't work for me.

[Knocks Gordon over the edge, leaving him dangling for life]

Bane:
Please, give your dear Barbara a kiss from me.

Bane:
Time to die!

Batman:
You first.

Nightwing:
I never thought it would end this way. For us or for Barbara. I still don't know everything that happened.

Batman:
I'll never forget. I see it as clearly as the day of my parents' murder. Scarecrow had seized control of City Hall. While we polished off his goon, the maniac ran. Barbara went after him...

Barbara Gordon:
This is important. I won't be easy for you to hear... but it's about a job I took on recently.

Commissioner James Gordon:
Barbara, please. Sweetheart, you're capable of making your own decisions. You don't need me to approve or even acknowledge them. And in this case, I can't. All you need to know is I love you. All of you. [kisses her] And that is all I have to say on the subject. [Gives her a wink]

Barbara Gordon:
Daddy... [Hugs him]

Two-Face:
So, you're "Shifty" Drake's boy, huh?

Tim Drake:
I'm not afraid of you.

Two-Face:
Then you're dumber then your old man. Now, talk! Where is he?

Tim Drake:
How 'bout I go check his calender?

Two-Face:
He stole something from me.

Tim Drake:
Your charming good looks?

Bruce Wayne:
You work with me, Tim, you follow the rules. Rule Number One: You give me everything you've got. Rule Number Two: Then you give me more. And Rule Number Three: I make the rules.

Dick Grayson:
Watch that last one, kid. It's a killer.

Jason Blood:
Gone, gone, the form of man. Rise the Demon, Etrigan!

Auctioneer:
Tonight we offer a number of fascinating artifacts from the so called 'Dark Ages'. First on the block is this. It is rumored to have been the personal branding-iron of the Arthurian Era witch, Morgaine Le Fay. Legend has it this piece has some sort of magical power. Gotham Auctioneers, Limited, makes no such guarantee.

Tim Drake:
Whoa! So all of this is what I think it is, right? Magic? Sorcery?

Jason Blood:
"There are more things Ven and Earth, Horatio, that are dreamt of in your philosophy."

Tim Drake:
What's that supposed to mean?

Bruce Wayne:
It means get up. We've got a branding-iron to find.

Klarion the Witch Boy:
Exquisite craftsmanship, isn't it, Mr. Wayne? Enjoy it while you can.

Bruce Wayne:
Who are - ?

Jason Blood:
Klarion. Why am I not surprised to see you here?

Klarion the Witch Boy:
We do have a way of bumping into each other, Uncle Jason. Next time, it will be on purpose. [starts to walk away]

Bruce Wayne:
Jason.

Jason Blood:
Bruce. Thanks for stepping in.

Bruce Wayne:
It was nothing. But tell me, how'd you ever get a brat like that for a nephew?

Jason Blood:
We're not related. For some reason, it amuses him to call me "Uncle". But don't underestimate him. He'll do anything to get what he wants.

Bruce Wayne:
Surely his parents...

Jason Blood:
Don't expect any help from them. The little witch boy turned them into mice.

Bruce Wayne:
You're not serious.

Klarion the Witch Boy:
You hate me, don't you?

[Etrigan is silent]

Klarion the Witch Boy:
Speak up! I order you.

Etrigan the Demon:
Yes. I hate you.

Klarion the Witch Boy:
But there's nothing you can so about it. Not while I have this! [Klarion waves the branding iron]

Batman:
You've done enough damage for one night, young man.

Klarion the Witch Boy:
You think you're going to stop me?

Batman:
Yes.

Klarion the Witch Boy:
No one's talked to me like that in so long.

Batman:
Get used to it.

Batman:
What now?

Etrigan the Demon:
"Mother's grief, Father's shame. Soon he goes to whence he came."

Robin:
What's that mean?

Etrigan the Demon:
I'm sending him to his room.

[Etrigan, Klarion and Teekl disappear]

Robin:
About tonight...

Batman:
Don't ask. Just... Don't ask.

Roxy Rocket:
Come on. The sooner you fork it over, the sooner you can party.

Young Woman:
[Struggling to get her ring off] I can't get it off. It's stuck.

Roxy Rocket:
Never mind. Keep it.

Young Woman:
Oh, thank you. Thank you.

Roxy Rocket:
Don't thank me, thank El Cheapo for buying cubic zirconium.

Roxy Rocket:
[about Batman] Well, you've got the skills, you've got the guts, but you just don't have the tools.

[after Batman makes an emergency landing with the Batwing]

Alfred Pennyworth:
This is coming out of your allowance, Master Bruce.

The Penguin:
You worry me, my pippin. The chances that you take. I want you to tone it down.

Roxy Rocket:
Ha! And what? Spoil the fun?

The Penguin:
This isn't a movie, you know. I'm a legitimate businessman now. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I can't afford to have my associates getting Batman all excited.

Roxy Rocket:
But he loved it. I know he lives for the chase and I was the best he ever had.

The Penguin:
Ever been pursued by a bird of prey?

Roxy Rocket:
Sorry, Pengie. Some things are just too scary, even for me.

Roxy Rocket:
You missed your calling, Batman. You should have been in the movies.

Batman:
Give it up, Roxy.

Roxy Rocket:
I'm afraid that's not in my nature.

Batman:
Mine neither.

Roxy Rocket:
That's what makes us such a perfect couple.

The Penguin:
You practically threw yourself into Batman's hands! If he catches you, what's to prevent him from making the connection to me? You would've put my whole operation at risk.

Roxy Rocket:
Relax, Pengie. First, he's not gonna catch me. And second, I'm not a pigeon. I won't squawk.

The Penguin:
I've seen him crack tougher eggs then you. I'm sorry, my dear. I just can't take that chance. [raises umbrella at her]

Roxy Rocket:
What's this?

The Penguin:
I assure you, it's not filled with birdseed.

Roxy Rocket:
But I thought you liked me.

The Penguin:
I do. But an old bird like me can't afford such flights of fancy.

Cassidy:
Let it go, Garfield. Whatever you thought we had is as cold as a burnt out fuse!

Garfield Lynns:
Hey! You're the expert on burning people, you little tramp!

Barbara Gordon:
So Dad's got me registering items they found in Lynn's apartment. And guess what, there's an invoice to an address on the east side of town.

Bruce Wayne:
Interesting. What are you doing tonight?

Barbara Gordon:
[Imitating The Brain] The same thing we do every night, Pinky.

Bruce Wayne:
...What?

Barbara Gordon:
Never mind.

[noticing Firefly's large shrine to Cassidy]

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Whoo. This guy's got it bad. Vincenzo, get some pictures. I'm gonna check the fridge.

Vincenzo:
Yeah, there's a lot of evidence in there, Detective.

Det. Harvey Bullock:
Shut up.

Firefly:
Feel the burn!

Nightwing:
What are you doing here?

Batgirl:
Pre-dawn, the dockyards, where else would a person in a mask be?

Nightwing:
This is my gig. If I needed you, I would've called.

Batman:
Smugglers?

Nightwing:
Gunrunners out of South America. The only cucumbers in those crates are .30 caliber. And here comes the bag boys now.

Batman:
Not bad.

Nightwing:
Yeah, for a guy "your" age.

Selina Kyle:
I thought I felt a chill.

Batman:
I want you to stay away from Nightwing.

Selina Kyle:
[Chuckles] Mother birds usually know when to let their robins leave the nest. He's a big boy-wonder now. A man wonder, in fact.

Batman:
I don't trust you, Selina.

Selina Kyle:
Of course you don't. That's why it could have never worked out between us.

Nightwing:
Is this a private party?

Selina Kyle:
Don't you men ever use the door?

Nightwing:
What are you doing?

Catwoman:
Just collecting what's mine. The cat's-eye emerald, the pearl of Argentina.

Nightwing:
How's that yours?

Catwoman:
I took it fair and square. Of course, getting it out of the country was another matter. I knew about Enrique's smuggling operation.

Nightwing:
So you slipped it into one of his shipments.

Catwoman:
My only problem was figuring out when the shipment was coming in.

Nightwing:
You played me for a sap.

Catwoman:
Aw, but such a sweet sap. The money the cat's-eye will bring is enough to take us anywhere. [Kisses Nightwing]

Nightwing:
You know I can't do that.

Catwoman:
I guess not. But you can't blame a girl for trying.

Batman:
You all right?

Nightwing:
Just brokenhearted. She led us right to the emerald, just like you said.

Catwoman:
You set "me" up!

Nightwing:
Afraid so.

Enrique El Gancho:
The great Batman has met his match, no?

Batman:
No.

[Last lines]

Batgirl:
You all right?

Nightwing:
You know me, always happy to have a little help.