The Penguins of Madagascar

Skipper:
Officially, you have no idea what we're doing here.

Marlene:
Uh-huh. Unofficially too.

Skipper:
Look alive, men. I've got my freak on for recon.

King Julien:
I can taste the taste of victory. It is yummy in my tummy.

Skipper:
It's too horrible for words. Except these ones, the words I'm saying right now. These are fine. But anything else, no go!

Kowalski:
Are you challenging us to a race?

King Julien:
Am I? Yes! You understand what I am doing before I am even doing it!

Skipper:
Not to worry, men. There's more than one way to make a penguin puke his guts out.

Private:
How many...?

Skipper:
Seventeen. Just don't ever ask to see number twelve.

Kowalski:
Cool cars go faster. That's a scientific fact.

Skipper:
Gentlemen, our car is officially boss.

Kowalski:
That bomb is not coming out. We could send a man inside to defuse it if we were about yea tall.

Skipper:
And how close are we from shrink ray technology?

Kowalski:
700 years.

Skipper:
[tosses aside a device next to him] Curse you, shrink ray!

Kowalski:
Make that 712.

Maurice:
[as they put Mort inside Rico to defuse the bomb] The birds have gone carnivore!

King Julien:
Quick, we must flee! Maurice, distract them by being eaten!

Skipper:
Our car's not babyish!

Kowalski:
It is strategically... adorable.

King Julien:
Winner gets the loser's car.

Private:
Why would you want two cars?

King Julien:
One for commuting, one for weekend errands around town.

Skipper:
Better stock up on subway tokens. We race tonight at 12 o'clock!

King Julien:
Make it... midnight! Wait, wait. When's my pedicure?

Maurice:
Midnight.

King Julien:
Can we make it 12:15? Does 12:15 work for you?

[Kowalski looks at his board and nods to Skipper]

Skipper:
Fine. 12:15.

Skipper:
That dame is a riddle wrapped in mystery and dunked in nasty sauce.

Skipper:
Are you ready to have your lunch handed to you?

King Julien:
Why, yes, that would be nice. I would like a BLT, hold the T, and... Oh, this is some of your trashy talk, is it? Well, I too can talk of the smack!

Kowalski:
You need to get to the bottom of the stomach.

Mort:
Down the spiral staircase?

Kowalski:
Take the elevator. It's quicker.

Skipper:
Dynomite! The classic timebomb bundle with LED countdown delay. Maximum explodability matched with maximum getawayability. Rico, you're a mad genius. That robo zoo guide goes sayonara in half an hour... high noon!

King Julien:
So, did that sticky them up? Tell me yes.

Maurice:
Um, okay. Yes.

King Julien:
Yes! Wait. Maurice, are you just telling me what I want to hear?

Maurice:
Yes.

King Julien:
Yes! Wait... no!

Skipper:
Well, Rico, I'm sorry it has to come to this, but I had Kowalski whip up a little concoction I like to call... Number Twelve!

Kowalski:
Two scoops of squirrel lint, a dash of baboon spit, used kitty litter, one hippo toenail, and anything we could find in the monkey cages. Whoa, mama!

Kowalski:
You, simian! You cost us the race. You can't go around flinging your banana peels willy-nilly!

Mason:
Well, he's got you there, Phil. It's not like poo. There are consequences.

Skipper:
Whistling. Awfully cheery for someone pushing a suspicuously human-shaped sack. Wouldn't you say?

Private:
I don't know, Skipper. Sometimes a good whistle makes me feel like a pretty little butterfly.

[Rico starts to retch]

Skipper:
Can the sweet talk, Private. You know Rico has gooey love mush sensitivity.

Mason:
It's a lovely night for a race. So lovely, I might not fling any poo.

[Phil signs]

Mason:
Oh, all right, Phil. We can watch the race and fling poo. Just like we did in Talladega.

Kowalski:
Looks like she's burying the evidence, Skipper... above ground, standing up, in the busiest crossroads of the zoo.

Skipper:
Putting her gruesome handiwork on display? How sick is this woman?

King Julien:
Oh, metal wiseman. Show me who is the smartest of all creatures?

[Robot points right; Julien quickly moves to where he's pointing]

King Julien:
That is right! Yes, me.

Mort:
Oh, make the shiny man do magic again!

King Julien:
Now show me who has the most attractive bottom?

[Robot points left; Julien moves his butt to where he's pointing]

King Julien:
Amazing! How does it know?

Skipper:
So that's their game. Blowing us up one by one with unregurgitatable gut bombs. Horrified, yet impressed.

Kowalski:
It's so obvious. I should have seen it coming. I'm sorry, Rico. I blame myself.

Private:
No Rico! No...

Skipper:
Not Rico! Not anybody! Kowalski, status report.

Kowalski:
22 minutes, 46 seconds.

Skipper:
Then we've got 22 minutes and 45 seconds to get that bomb out of our buddy's belly. Rico, my friend, we are gonna teach you to spew again!

Skipper:
I smuggled this out of the souvenir gift shop.

Kowalski:
A nature documentary?

Skipper:
Wait for it.

[Plays movie]

Documentary Narrator:
This is Antarctica. Icy home to the playful penguin.

Private:
Hey, that looks like uncle Nigel.

[Roaring from documentary]

Documentary Narrator:
Who become prey to the insatiable bloodthirst of this leopard seal.

Kowalski:
Oh, that image will haunt me!

Skipper:
It's just a boring... documentary.

Documentary Narrator:
Betcha can't eat just one, Mr. Seal.

Skipper:
Well, Rico, looks like it's game over. I never thought it would end this way, but I just want you to know... I love you, you crazy knucklehead.

Kowalski:
I also love you, in the same way expressed previously... dude.

Private:
[Hugging Rico] I love you too, Rico!

[Rico starts to retch]

Mort:
[Inside Rico] And I love this popcorn. It's a little wet, though.

[Rico's stomach rumbles]

King Julien:
Eh, what is that noise?

Skipper:
[breaking down] I'm not good with words - well, actually, neither are you - but I just wanna say... you are my brother!

Kowalski:
That's poetry, Skipper.

King Julien:
I don't know about him, but this mush is making me want to blow chunks.

Skipper:
Do you mind?

Private:
Wherever the sun lays its head, there the land will whisper, "Rico. Rico."

Kowalski:
[breaking down] Okay, now that's poetry!

[They all cry and hug each other; Julien joins in; they all glare at him]

King Julien:
I just want to see a penguin throw up.

Skipper:
Take a look at our future, men. Phase Two: robot animals.

Kowalski:
It's a classic cost-cutting manuever. Replacement and elimination.

Skipper:
But there's...

[Counts to himself]

Skipper:
...*four* things they didn't count on. The war on robots begins...

[pause]

Kowalski:
Uh, Skip...

[Skipper signals to wait]

Skipper:
...now!

King Julien:
[after the robot blows up] He was the only one who truly appreciated my bottom. [One of the robot's arms land behind Julien, pointing at his butt] Hey! He's still loving my booty!

King Julien:
Who is burping up the stinking fog of lint, and spit, and unspeakable things from a kitten, and... Oof! I don't even want to know what that fart was.

Mort:
Ooh, it smells like the circus!

[the penguins take Mort]

Mort:
Am I going to the circus too?

[They shove Mort down Rico's throat]

Mort:
Why is the circus so dark and smelly? Hey, there's popcorn down here. Hooray!

Kowalski:
Course is ready to roll, Skipper. [One of the cones starts to move]

Skipper:
What the deuce?

Kowalski:
Oh, for pity's sake! If the cones are going to move by themselves, why do I measure? [They remove the cone; Marlene was underneath]

Marlene:
Hi, guys!

Skipper:
Marlene! Who was on cone stowaway duty? [Kowalski, Private and Rico point at each other]

King Julien:
It is the most handsomest thing I have ever seen... except for me, which goes without saying, but I said it anyway. Why? I don't know!

Kowalski:
Course is ready to roll, Skipper. [One of the cones starts to move]

Skipper:
What the...?

Kowalski:
Oh, for pity's sake! If the cones are going to move by themselves, why do I measure? [They remove the cone; Marlene was underneath]

Marlene:
Hi, guys!

Skipper:
Marlene! Who was on cone stowaway duty? [Kowalski, Private and Rico point at each other]

Kowalski:
Okay, do you see the bomb?

Mort:
Um, I see and old squeaky toy. Wait, I see it! I see the bomb!

Kowalski:
Good. Now separate the blue and yellow wires from their sheating, reverse the polarity, and splice both to the ground lead, which should be a slightly thicker copper wire. Am I going too fast for you?

Mort:
Um, okay. Which of the colors is blue? [the penguins sigh exasperatedly] Is this the blue one? [Rico shrieks]

Kowalski:
No, I believe that's a kidney.

Mort:
Whee! I'm jumpy! Maurice, come be jumpy!

Maurice:
Mort, I'd love to, but I have a bazillion royal duties to attend to.

Mort:
Hee-hee! You said doodies!

Maurice:
No, things I have to do for the king. Du-ties.

Mort:
It's still funny!

King Julien:
Hello, friendly penguins! Eh, I was wondering if you could make this melon split open for me.

Skipper:
Rico, slice.

[Rico spits out a knife and hacks the melon in two with it]

Skipper:
There you go, Ringtail. Service with a psycho smile.

King Julien:
No one loves me!

Skipper:
Oh, now that's not...

King Julien:
...as much as *I* love me.

Skipper:
Oh. Well, that is true.

Kowalski:
Without friends, his psyche snapped like Snappy S. Snapperton, snappiest person in Snappidelphia, son of Snap Snapperton, snap photography specialist...

Skipper:
Rico? [Rico slaps Kowalski]

Kowalski:
Thanks.

King Julien:
Time for party games. I will start by making balloon animals.

[Blows up long balloon]

King Julien:
This one is an earthworm.

[Blows up another one]

King Julien:
Tapeworm.

[Blows up a third]

King Julien:
And here is a hookworm.

[Balloon deflates]

King Julien:
Make that a flatworm.

King Julien:
I don't like this telling other animals what to do. That is my niche.

King Julien:
Excuse me, little froggy. I believe you are a little confussed. I am the one who is telling the other animals what to do.

Barry:
Oh?

King Julien:
Yes. That is because I am king. However, you can apply for an internship.

Maurice:
We are currently accepting applications for the spring semester. [Hands Barry a form]

King Julien:
But until you are properly internalized, you must cease the bossing around.

Barry:
Oh, really? Cease this!

Private:
What are we going to do, Skipper?

Skipper:
Kowalski has been working on a little top secret project. It's untested, maybe even dangerous.

[Starts pushing a series of complicated controls]

Skipper:
Prepare yourself for what you are about to see, Private.

[Pushes one last button, a platform appears in the middle of the room]

Private:
Skipper, is that...?

Skipper:
That's right. A six-foot long whacking stick. Barry won't know what hit him.

Private:
Skipper, isn't there a less violent solution?

Skipper:
Probably, but I wanna see what this baby can do.

Barry:
[Private appears wearing a metal suit] It's time you and I got... in touch. Take this!

[Jumps at Private; nothing happened]

Barry:
And this!

[Jumps Private again]

Barry:
Huh? I can't...

Private:
You can't touch me, but I can touch you.

Barry:
No! Get away from me!

[Private shoots a suction cup dart at Barry and reels him in]

Private:
Now I'm going to do something no one has ever done to you before.

Barry:
No!

Private:
Give you a big hug!

Barry:
Uh... what?

Private:
I'd be a grumpy gus too if no one ever hugged me.

Barry:
Hum. This hugging is nice. Maybe a hug is all I really needed... or maybe I'm just a big jerk who likes to bully other animals.

Private:
Oh, well in that case, I can just pop you like a grape.

Barry:
No, no! Hugging's fine! Actually, I'm liking the hug.

Skipper:
[Recuperating from the poison] Sound off, Kowalski.

Kowalski:
I can taste sound. But that's over now.

Skipper:
Rico? [Rico moans]

Barry:
[Playing checkers with Private, who's still wearing the metal suit] King me!

Skipper:
Is everyone else seeing a poisonous frog playing checkers with a robot penguin?

Rico:
Uh-huh!

Skipper:
Right. Back on the rack, men.

King Julien:
Are you going to pummel Barry until he's all squishy?

Skipper:
That's the general idea.

King Julien:
Yes! I'm King Julien, and I approve this plan.

Private:
How can we touch someone who's untouchable?

King Julien:
It is a riddle, like which do you eat first, the chicken or the egg? I say the eggs, because they are breakfast foods.

Maurice:
That's not the way it goes.

King Julien:
So you're saying the chicken first? It does make a nice base for the eggs.

Barry:
Excuse me, monkeys!

Mason:
Monkeys have tails. We're...

Barry:
...giving me lip when you should be giving me bananas. Are we going to have a problem here? Do I need to break out the toxic touch?

Skipper:
[after Barry poisons Rico] How long until he's back to normal?

Kowalski:
Normal normal, or Rico normal?

Skipper:
Uh... let's say Rico normal.

King Julien:
This half of the kingdom is for me and my king things, and that half is for you two.

Maurice:
This is much less than half!

Mort:
I like it.

King Julien:
Of course it's smaller. There is only one of me and two of you.

Maurice:
That means we should have more and you should have less.

King Julien:
The king never has less. That's the law.

Barry:
My name is Barry, and you all work for me now. Everyone. You do everyting I say when I say it.

Marlene:
Oh, have you ever heard a more adorable tirade? I just wanna scoop him up and give him a great big hug!

Barry:
Trust me, lady, I'm not the hugging type. I'm more the do-what-I-say-or-I'll-ruin-your-life type.

Skipper:
Oh, really, little hoppy? And how are you gonna do that?

Barry:
Oh, like this.

[Touches Rico, who seizes up, sprouts little green bumps, and falls unconscious]

Barry:
[laughs] Oh, that never gets old! That never gets old!

King Julien:
Make way for the party king, man!

Bada:
Hold on there, chief. We have to see if you're on the list.

Bing:
There's no Party King on the list.

Bada:
Wait, I have a King Julien on the list.

King Julien:
Yes, that is me!

Bada:
Yeah, you're on the "absolutely not a guest" list.

Maurice:
[after breaking the throne] I'll get the glue.

Mort:
To eat?

Maurice:
No!

King Julien:
Maurice, the zoo is full of many fantastical things. Did you know, for instance, free gum under all the seats? Watch, I'm going to blow a bubble. [Tries to blow bubble, but accidentally spits out gum into Maurice's face] You can keep that.

Skipper:
Not bad, Private. But had that been a decoy elephant foot loaded with TNT, you and I wouldn't be having this conversation.

Private:
How often does that happen, Skipper?

Skipper:
Well, why don't we ask Manfredi and Johnson? Oh, we can't, because they fell for the old exploding elephant foot.

Skipper:
So, what's the trouble, Long Trunks?

Burt:
You guys gotta help me. I need to get out of the zoo and across town, today!

Private:
Ooh, a breakout.

Kowalski:
Complicated by crosstown transport of the world's largest land mammal.

Skipper:
That's a pretty tall order, my ginormous friend. May I ask why?

Burt:
Let's just say an elephant never forgets.

Rico:
Uhh...

Skipper:
Ooh, dark and sinister sounding with the classic pachyderm clich?. Big man, you play me like a fiddle.

Skipper:
Now, if anyone asks, you're name is Frosty Fun Times truck number 26.

Kowalski:
You were raised a laundry delivery truck, but on your eighteenth birthday, you decided to follow your dream and never looked back.

Private:
Why would anyone ask a truck about...

Skipper:
Don't confuse the man with questions, Private. It's a very complicated alias.

Skipper:
Our cover's been blown! Abort, men! Abort!

Burt:
No! We don't abort for nothing!

Kowalski:
I'd like to go back and add some more haybales to the elephant decoy. I feel like I underpadded the buttocks.

Skipper:
Good call. I've lost too many men to buttock inaccuracies.

Skipper:
I knew this sounded dark and sinister, but this is darker, sinisterer.

Skipper:
Gentlemen, let's go home.

Private:
But Skipper, how are we going to sneak Burt back into the zoo?

Skipper:
[Looks at abstract painting in apartment] Hmm... [Cut to Burt wearing the painting, walking down the street] Now, if anyone asks, you're the Museum of Modern Art.

Burt:
You can call me MoMA.

Skipper:
If Kowalski's invention works, think of the defense applications.

Marlene:
Defense applications... for the Lovulator.

Skipper:
Limitless!

King Julien:
Maurice, those penguins are going to meet Marlene's new boyfriend.

Maurice:
Huh. Good for her.

King Julien:
No, not good for her. She already has a boyfriend.

Maurice:
She does?

King Julien:
Yes, silly. It's me!

Maurice:
You? Let me guess. Marlene doesn't know you're her boyfriend, does she?

King Julien:
Well, I have been meaning to mention it to her. But it is clear to me now that I must step up my wooing.

Maurice:
All right. We'll need flowers, some candy...

King Julien:
No, Maurice! The only way to win this competition is to eliminate the other competition.

Maurice:
All right. Well need a sack, a club, some rope...

King Julien:
Yes, Maurice! Now you are thinking romantically.

Marlene:
So, Fred, let's get to know you. What makes you tick? What are your likes, what are your dislikes.

Fred:
Well, I like most things, except the things I don't like. Stupid things I don't like!

Marlene:
When I find Julien, I'm gonna tear him limb from limb, then sew him back together, and then tear him apart all over again! [Julien screams off screen]

Skipper:
Sounds like someone beat you to it.

Marlene:
So, how would you like to show me the town?

Fred:
It's right over there.

Marlene:
You kidder! You are kidding, right?

Private:
I wonder how the rest of Marlene's date went?

Skipper:
I'm sure it was a many splendored thing.

Kowalski:
Of course. It was scientifically approved.

Marlene:
Hi, guys. So, me and Fred? Not happening.

Kowalski:
What?

Marlene:
Turns out what I thought was him being funny was actually just him being...

Skipper:
Dumb as a sack of hammers?

Marlene:
Let's just say I did not hear Spanish guitar when we were together.

Kowalski:
But, but science let us to him. Science said he was perfect. Science! Why have you forsaken me?

Skipper:
Our first obstacle is Alice. We need something to keep her occupied during Burt's exodus.

Kowalski:
Perhaps a large mess to clean up. But what would be the ideal spot for maximum filthyosity? The public restrooms, of course!

Skipper:
Now we need some sort of stink bomb.

Kowalski:
Chemical or organic?

Skipper:
Let's go green on this one. Big Gray, what did you have for breakfast this morning?

Burt:
Bean, broccoli and cabbage burrito. Why?

Skipper:
Perfecto!

Burt:
[about the fake elephant the penguins made] I don't know. It doesn't really look like me.

Skipper:
Wait for it. [Rico regurgitates some peanuts in front of decoy]

Burt:
Wow! It's like looking in a mirror!

Skipper:
[about the "stink bomb"] Nice craftsmanship, Burt.

Burt:
The burrito did most of the work.

Skipper:
[the penguins discover some photos pinned on Burt's habitat] Well, this is, uh, disturbing, to me. Anyone else?

Private:
I'm disturbed as well, Skipper.

Kowalski:
[Focusing on a photo of a kid] Look at that kid with the kazoo. Could it be? The legendary Kid Kazoo?

Rico:
Kid Kazoo?

Kowalski:
You know, Kid Kazoo? The scourge of the Central Park Zoo? Surely you've heard the tales. He was a Sunday regular, a real piece of work, with a smile like a bear trap, and a laugh like a deranged birthday clown. But the sickest thing was that kazoo, screeching incessantly like a kindergarten orchestra.

Private:
That sounds horrible, Kowalski.

Kowalski:
Kazoos always do, Private. But no one had it worse than poor Burt. With those jumbo-sized ears, that constant buzzing was unbearable. He hated that kazoo! I wonder what ever happened to the little maniac?

Skipper:
[Looks at a picture of an adult man] Wait a minute. Look at those shifty eyes. That devious half-smile. Those kazoo-kissed lips.

Kowalski:
By Newton's apple, you're right! It's Kid Kazoo all grown up!

Rico:
Wow!

Private:
Burt really knows how to hold a grudge. For years, apparently.

Marlene:
You were fighting over me? Julien, what were you thinking? I'm not some prize to be won!

King Julien:
Yes, Marlene. Now that I am looking at you, especially from this unflattering angle, I realize that you are right. You are no prize.

Marlene:
Wh-wh-wait. What?

Computerized Voice:
You have reached the Animal Control Help Line. If you know the name of the animal trying to eat you, say it now.

Kid Kazoo:
Elephant. El-e-phant. Elephant!

Computerized Voice:
You said... Everglades pygmy sunfish. First, step out of the bayou and onto dry land.

Kid Kazoo:
Now it's penguins?

Computerized Voice:
You said... Peruvian milk snake.

Skipper:
But I thought an elephant never forgets.

Burt:
But he always forgives.

Skipper:
Right. A little sappy for my taste.

Private:
We just thought an otter alone in the big city might be...

Marlene:
What?

Skipper:
Lonely! The soul-crushing solitude must be eating you alive!

Marlene:
Right. But why the sudden interest in my love life?

Kowalski:
All right, we needed a guinea pig, and you were the closest species. Genetically speaking.

King Julien:
Be giving it up, flightless bird. I already have three batteries.

Skipper:
But your noisemaker needs all four, and the only way you're getting this one is if you pry it from my cold, dead flippers.

King Julien:
Ugh! Sounds gross... but doable!

King Julien:
Not in the face! Please spare my moneymaker!

King Julien:
Skipper, if only one of us makes it out of here, then let it be... Joey.

Skipper:
Joey?

King Julien:
Yes. Without the beatings, this place isn't half bad.

Maurice:
Oh, my feet are killing me.

King Julien:
Not as much as I will if you stop dancing.

Maurice:
But your majesty, we just can't boogie-oogie-oogie like you.

Mort:
I wanna go to bed!

King Julien:
No! Last week the baboons shook their shiny red buttocks eighteen hours straight. I will not be outpartied.

Joey:
Come down here, you bludgers, before I chuck a wobbly.

King Julien:
Have you never heard such a mangling of the language with which we are speaking?

King Julien:
Everyone I care about made it! Happy ending! But what is this feeling I am feeling? It is not a happiness. [Sees Joey beating up Skipper] It is a feeling that I have not done all I could have done. I do not like it. How do I make it go away?

King Julien:
Okay, crazyish idea. You help me get out of this place.

Skipper:
Team up, with you?

King Julien:
I was thinking more like you do all the work, and I will watch with anticipation.

King Julien:
Come back here, you music hater!

Skipper:
I don't hate music! I hate noise!

Maurice:
Mort, what are you doing?

Mort:
I'm dancing!

Maurice:
Give it a rest! Julien has no way of knowing if we're dancing or not.

Mort:
Oh, you're right.

[the batteries Julien tossed fall on them; they start dancing again]

Maurice:
He knows! He knows!

Mort:
I like dancing to exhaustion!

Skipper:
What's the matter, wallaby? Can't kick a moving target?

Joey:
Wallaby? I'm a kangaroo, mate!

King Julien:
You must take the music inside of you, swish it around and spit it out through your tail. Just do as I do. Take in the music... [Music stops] Hey, not all the music, you greedies!

Maurice:
It wasn't us.

King Julien:
Then what else could make our boomy box stop booming?

Skipper:
We made it! Up high!

[Offers a high-five]

King Julien:
Yes, it is.

Skipper:
Down low?

[Juilen just looks at him]

Skipper:
Too slow?

King Julien:
You. You are too slow.

Skipper:
Never mind.

Skipper:
A biter in the petting zoo? Just when you think you've seen all the sick the world can throw at you.

Skipper:
Men, I have here a fresh scarlet snapper, and it's yours for the taking. All you have to do is come and get it.

Private:
But Skipper, the floor's covered with mousetraps.

Skipper:
Razor-sharp observation there, young Private.

Kowalski:
This will complicate fish acqusition.

Skipper:
This snapper goes to whoever has the wits, the cunning, and the agility...

[Rico just rushes through and takes the fish, covered in mousetraps]

Skipper:
Or Rico. It goes to Rico.

Randy:
I guess my life will just be caramel apples, cotton candy and lollipops.

Private, Rico:
Yum!

Randy:
...stuck to my wolly butt!

Private:
Oh. Yuck.

Rico:
Oh... Yum!

Randy:
Is somebody there?

Skipper:
Yes, somebody's here. Your worst nightmare!

Randy:
A flying coyote with eye laser beams?

Skipper:
Huh? No! Four angry penguins.

Randy:
Phew! Cause if coyotes ever develop flight and eye laser technology, it's game over, you know?

Skipper:
What I mean is this dangerous penguin business, and you are not ready, period. Or possibly even exclamation point. Kowalski, punctuation options.

Kowalski:
I suggest the Spanish inverted. ?Muy fuerte!

Kowalski:
Well, I call that mission accomplished. So, what do we do with the rest of our day?

Private:
Oh! We could get temporary tattoos, and, um, motocycle club nicknames.

Rico:
Vroom! Vroo-vroo-vroom, vroom!

Kowalski:
I'll be Bobby Thunderskull!

Skipper:
All in favor of Private's tattoos and nicknames plan say...

Maurice:
[offscreen] Waaugh!

Kowalski:
Waaugh! Um... we should probably do something.

Skipper:
Fallen lemur, what happened?

Maurice:
I don't know. Something came flying out of nowhere and wham, I'm flat on my butt.

King Julien:
And I am left to apply my own eye vegetables, which is the real tragedy. Mort, weep for me. My eyes are exhausted from all the cucumbering.

Mort:
[Tries to cry, but when he can't puts onions on his eyes] My eye vegetables are burny!

King Julien:
Eggy? Is this my J.J, whom I raised from a little lemur egg to be a mighty lemur prince?

King Julien:
[singing] Me and my J.J. / With me he will stay-ay / And we will...

Skipper:
Great! Now that's in my head all day.

Eggy:
I wanna fight ninjas in a chainsaw factory!

Mother Duck:
Oh, dancing. That's safe. You cured my baby!

Kowalski:
Yes, we can definitely state that Eggy no longer wants to be a penguin... and may the world forgive us!

King Julien:
Let me see if I am standing under this. You want to borrow Mort to help a guy I care nothing about, so he can get to a "fa-arm"?

Skipper:
That is the plan.

King Julien:
No! You cannot borrow Mort!

Mort:
Yay! King Julien loves me!

King Julien:
You cannot borrow Mort because "borrow" means you will be bringing him back. Bye-bye, Mort. [Pushes Mort away]

Mort:
See? That's a love shove.

Skipper:
Men, I need options. And not our regular options. The options we bust out for special guests.

[Rico barfs out a balloon]

Skipper:
I admire your moxie, Rico, but I think we should save the victory party until after.

Kowalski:
Skipper, I think what Rico means is to rub the balloon on Randy's coat to create a static charge that will prove most shocking.

Rico:
Yep-a-doodle!

Skipper:
Oh, well then, go for it.

Kowalski:
He's putting on an adorably phoney British accent.

Skipper:
Just like the Private.

Private:
Phoney? This is how I really talk!

Skipper:
Sure it is... guv'na.

Skipper:
Exercise complete.

Kowalski:
As I suspected. A stuffed bunny.

Skipper:
Yes, but why didn't you hit it?

Kowalski:
What? But it's...

Private:
We thought this was an exercise on where to apply force.

Skipper:
Oh, it was. [a crossbow pops out of the bunny]

Private:
How did you get a crossbow inside...

Skipper:
I know a man in Havana. He doesn't ask questions, and neither do I.

Randy:
[talks to a couple of sheared sheep] Excuse me, can you tell me where the other sheep are?

Sheep #3:
Take off your coat. Stay a while.

Randy:
Wait, you... you're sheep? But where's your...

Sheep #3:
You will love the shears.

Sheep #2:
Be a brand new ewe.

Sheep:
[Chanting] Shears! Shears!

Randy:
No! No! [Runs back after penguins] Wait!

Skipper:
Eyes on the prize, Kowalski. Crack the new habitat security code, and we'll be swimming in all the fish we can stomach.

Rico:
Fiiish! Ha-ha-ha!

Kowalski:
I'm trying, but this is the most advanced encryption I've ever seen. It's got sudoku with fractions!

Skipper:
Have you tried the master code?

Kowalski:
One, two, three, four, five. Darn! Nothing!

Skipper:
Now try it backwards.

Kowalski:
Five, four, three, two, one. Aah!

Skipper:
Now start at three...

Rico:
Fiiiish!

[Spits out a chainsaw and cuts through the computer]

Kowalski:
Wow. We're in!

Skipper:
Way to hack that mainframe, Rico!

Kowalski:
Skipper, our intel shows that there's one sure way to a female's heart. You start with a four-inch incision...

Private:
Skipper, there's a scary man!

Skipper:
Well, gentlemen, it looks like they finally found me. Those Danes really know how to hold a grudge.

Skipper:
Private, options.

Kowalski:
Hello? I'm the options guy!

Skipper:
But not when it comes to matters of the heart. That's where young Private here shines.

Kowalski:
True, I have trouble understanding emotions, and feelings, and... women.

Skipper:
Yeah. Duh. Private, you're on!

Private:
Well, let's see...

Marlene:
Come on, Private. You know what to do. Moonlight, guitar, oysters!

Private:
Sorry, Marlene, but I was thinking that Phil could show off his machismo.

Skipper:
Machismo! Espa?ol! I like it!

Skipper:
How many enemy agents are we talking here? Because if it's more than a baker's dozen, we may need the jumbo brass knuckles... and knuckles.

Skipper:
Reach for the skies, chimps!

Lulu:
What...?

Mason:
Egad, penguin desperados, and they've got sticks!

Kowalski:
Aargh! That's right, matey, and ooh, argh! Shiver me timbers, and orgh, eergh, argh!

Private:
Kowalski, we're supposed to be desperados, not pirates.

Kowalski:
Really?

[Rico sighs and leaps forward to attack]

Kowalski:
The point is, we want all your bananas!

Private:
And there's no one here tough enough to stop us!

Skipper:
[Pointing at Mason] Certainly not this milksop.

Lulu:
Hold on now. Mason may not be tough, but me... I'm from Hoboken!

[Beats up penguins]

Kowalski:
Once you escape to the sewer, find an aligator named Roger and give him this secret code phrase: "Help me, oh, help me. Please, please help me. For the sweet love of mother mercy, please help me escape the animal control agent that's chasing me." He'll know what it means.

Skipper:
I know it's risky, but so is love. Look at what happened to Manfredi and Johnson when they fell hard for those Chinstrap sisters. They lost their hearts, a lung, and fifteen feet of intestine.

Skipper:
One human? That's not combat, that's a playdate.

King Julien:
To impress this girly monkey, you must sweep her off her feet. That is how I got my many girlfriends.

Maurice:
What girlfriends?

King Julien:
You don't know them, they're all in Canada, but trust me when I tell you that they are made up... I mean with lipstick and powders and such, but you know, tastefully. The secret is the two words I am about to tell you now. Get ready. Wait! Those weren't the two words. And those weren't either. Or those...

Mason:
Just tell us the two words!

King Julien:
Okay... Roller disco!

Skipper:
Moon cat!

Max:
It's Max, and I'm not really from the moon.

Skipper:
Yeah, but the name just works.

King Julien:
Now release the dogs! [Sound of dogs barking]

Lulu:
Get them off me!

Maurice:
Don't you mean doves?

King Julien:
Oh, that would have been better. Good to know.

Officer X:
Penguins. Nature's rule breakers. Birds are supposed to fly, but no, you gotta swim instead. Think you're above the laws of nature, punks? Do ya?

Kowalski:
[to Skipper] Rancho Cuckoo-monga.

Mason:
Egad, Phil! Don't be rash!

Private:
What is it?

Mason:
Phil is going to... speak to her.

Skipper:
Biscuits and gravy! We didn't run a scenario for that!

Max:
Hey, Pokie! You chokied! You really failed your duty! You're never gonna touch my little kitty kabootie!

Alice:
X, eh? Is that the name your mommy gave you?

Officer X:
Mother never told me my real name. Said it was classified. Now hand over that stray cat, or face the full powers of the Metropolitan Sub-bureau of Animal Control and Pretzel Cart Regulation!

Skipper:
Kowalski, options.

Kowalski:
A strategic retreat, Skipper?

Skipper:
Explain.

Kowalski:
It's like running away but manlier.

Skipper:
Execute.

Max:
It's Animal Control! They're after me! Do you have any idea what those maniacs do to stray cats? Do you?

Rico:
Uh-uh.

Max:
Me neither.

Skipper:
Well, you're not finding out tonight.

Officer X:
Pure kitty. No buts about it.

[Private snickers]

Officer X:
I let the trail fall behind. They must have shaken my tail, sneaked out the backside and taken a rear exit.

[Private snickers some more]

Officer X:
This ends here.

[Private laughs so hard he falls backwards]

Skipper:
What's wrong with Private? I haven't seen him like this since our mission to Butztown, Pa.

Max:
You gotta get me out of here. This kitten's nuts!

Kowalski:
Apparently, the Rhodesian slasher has a very intense, very elaborate mating ritual. But the good news is, most fatalities don't take place until the fifth week.

Max:
I can't take five weeks of this! What are we gonna do?

Max:
I can't thank you enough, you guys.

Skipper:
Consider it a debt repaid, old friend.

Max:
But isn't the outside wall still surrounded by Sergeant Psycho's booby traps?

Skipper:
Not to worry. We've got a man on it.

Mort:
[Bouncing from trap to trap] I'm expendable! Yay!

Skipper:
Marlene, don't bring all your sappy emotions into this. This is love!

Mason:
I don't know, Marlene, but I don't think that's quite the way to capture a chimp's heart. [Suddenly the penguins pop out of a grate]

Skipper:
You heard the chimp, men! We need a way to capture the lady chimp's heart. Kowalski, you...

Marlene:
Hello? Mason came to me for advice, therefore it's my mission, not yours.

Kowalski:
Ah, but use of the word "capture" automatically makes this a penguin operation.

Private:
Sorry, Marlene. Those are the rules.

Skipper:
I've taken down an angry walrus with a wing and a prayer, and another wing. I can handle anything.

Marlene:
Except fun.

Skipper:
Especially fun. Right, men? [the others look away and agree weakly]

Skipper:
All right, I take full responsiblity for this. Well, ninety percent.

Marlene:
Hey, I said "have fun", I didn't say "go nuts".

Marlene:
How about this? I quiet down the screamer, while you guys get the crown back. Sounds like a plan?

Skipper:
That does sound like a plan. Men, commence Operation: Give The Furry Cry-Baby His Bottle.

Skipper:
Atenzione, little rodentia. Has anyone seen a leafy crown?

Rat #1:
Maybe.

Rat #2:
What's it to ya?

Skipper:
We need it, pronto.

Rat #1:
it belongs to our king.

Rat #2:
And there's only one way to take it from him.

Private:
Smile and say please?

Rat #2:
No!

Rat #1:
Paw-to-paw combat!

Rat #1, Rat #2:
Beat the king, get the crown! Beat the king, get the crown!...

Skipper:
Okay, I'll go easy on him. Where is the little guy?

[a huge muscular rat appears, wearing Julien's crown]

Private:
Oh, you are toast.

Skipper:
What was that, Private?

Private:
Uh... I mean, hard on the outside, soft and warm on the inside, and good in a jam.

Skipper:
Oh, that's nice.

King Rat:
You are going down, clown! Down to Rat Town!

Private:
Aren't we already there?

King Julien:
My head is naked, my head is nude. My head is crownless, and dark is my mood.

Marlene:
Crazy poetry. 'S good stuff.

Skipper:
You might want to watch out for those ninjas, Marlene.

Marlene:
Don't you mean bowling pins?

Skipper:
I mean ninjas. Don't you see the little faces on them?

Kowalski:
We're all in this together. [a steel cage falls around them] And by this, I mean a steel cage trap.

King Julien:
I want my crown!

Marlene:
And I have your crown. A crown that you will love as much as you love yourself because...

[Puts a novelty drinking cup with Julien's head on its lid upon Julien's head]

Marlene:
It's you!

Marlene:
[imitating Julien's accent] I am sensing that there is an awesome amount of fabulousness here.

King Julien:
[looking at himself in mirror] It is hot with handsomeness.

Marlene:
And here's the best part!

[Puts straw on Julien's mouth; he sips]

King Julien:
Hmm. My need for beauty and my need for fizzy drink; both are satisfied.

[He sucks on the straw until the cup collapses]

King Julien:
Ah! My little head!

[He tosses aside the cup; it lands on top of Maurice's head]

Mort:
I like you hideously disfigured.

Marlene:
[speaking on a walkie-talkie] What's going on down there?

Kowalski:
Marlene, good news. The crown has been found.

Marlene:
That's great! Wait... Where's Skipper?

Kowalski:
Skipper is unable to take your call right now. He is about to battle a giant mutated rodent.

Marlene:
Oh!

[confused]

Marlene:
Huh?

Marlene:
Why are you guys working anyway? Come on, it's Fun Day.

Skipper:
Fun Day? Rico, code blue! Private, make a weapons check! Kowalski, options for... hey, hey, whoa, whoa! What's Fun Day?

Kowalski:
Few humans visit on Mondays, thus our zoo overlords have renamed Monday "Fun Day".

Skipper:
Why wasn't this in my morning briefing? How am I to know this stuff? [Camera pulls back to show a large sign reading "Fun Day!" hanging over the penguin habitat] Come on, people! I'm not a mind reader!

King Rat:
That's the best you got? Bird, that is some weak sauce!

[Kowalski's Adorablizer overloaded, which causes Private to perform an innocent-looking pose, which resulted in knocking everyone back]

Private:
[concerned] Skipper, what happened?

Skipper:
[winded] Kowalski, talk to me.

Kowalski:
[surprised] It appears that Private has discovered some sort of Quantum Hyper Cute! 132% adorability!

Rico:
Wow!

Private:
Is that even possible?

Kowalski:
Scientifically, no.

Skipper:
[proudly] Way to stick it to science, Private. Now let's go cute us up some fish!

Skipper:
Kowalski, intelligence.

Kowalski:
Above average, but I don't like to brag... Oh, right. The map. Here.

Skipper:
Dr. Blowhole!

Dr. Blowhole:
Well, peng-you-ins.

Skipper:
Well, well. It's been a long time.

Dr. Blowhole:
Well, well, well. Too long.

Skipper:
Well, well, well, well...

Dr. Blowhole:
Enough!

King Julien:
I too can be a spy. I have been spying on you this whole time. I would have a fancy spy car that shoots things out of the headlights - No, foglights! They would never expect it.

Skipper:
Glowing red eyes. That's almost never good.

Skipper:
Kowalski, run a trace.

Kowalski:
[Tastes robot Julien] Sea salt, rollercoaster grease and all-beef franks.

Skipper:
Coney Island.

Private:
Subway convenient, at least.

Skipper:
No. They'd be expecting that.

Mort:
The king's feet! The king's feet must be saved!

Maurice:
Calm down, Mort. The penguins are on the case.

Mort:
Bah! The king's feet need *me*!

Dr. Blowhole:
Ever since my humiliation in the Ring of Fire, I have sworn revenge on the humans. It made me bitter.

Private:
Did he say bitter or better?

Skipper:
I'm not sure. It's hard to tell with all the echo in here.

Kowalski:
That would be the high ceilings.

Dr. Blowhole:
You have foiled my revenge. For that, I swear... revenge!

Skipper:
Wait, are we talking a whole new revenge here?

Dr. Blowhole:
Yes! Revenge on you, revenge on the humans... I have a whole bunch of revenges piled up, and it's not pretty!

King Julien:
I just saved the world and had the adventure of a lifetime, and no one will ever know about it.

Skipper:
Welcome to my world. That makes you an honorary penguin.

King Julien:
Oh, does this mean I'm your BFF?

Skipper:
Uh, let's keep that code on the QT.

Mort:
Yay! King Julien is a Buffalo firefighter!

Maurice:
Mort sure likes that game.

King Julien:
Yes. It keeps Mort from annoying me by touching the royal feet, so I like it too.

[pause]

King Julien:
I don't like it!

Maurice:
But I thought you didn't like Mort touching your feet.

King Julien:
Yes, but I love rejecting Mort. It makes me feel all kingly. But how am I to feel kingly now?

Maurice:
Uh, the crown? The throne? The big fits of the crazies?

King Julien:
Yes, those help, but the rejecting Mort... ah, that's the sweet stuff, man.

[Skipper and Private are using View Masters to look out]

Skipper:
What do you see, Private?

Private:
The majestic Grand Canyon.

Skipper:
I've got my eye on some kid and his beagle in a pumpkin patch. What a blockhead.

King Julien:
Maurice, my yoyoyo is defective!

Maurice:
Yo-yo. Two yos.

King Julien:
Well mine has three yos, maybe more, but it is not working, so no-yos.

Maurice:
[Takes yo-yo and does tricks with it] Seems fine to me. You just need practice.

King Julien:
Practice is for those who are not perfect.

Kowalski:
It's starting. The traditional first steps of the potty dance.

King Julien:
I never learned that dance, because, you know, I just go wherever I am.

[Kowalski steps aside]

King Julien:
What? I'm the king. It's cool

King Julien:
You must be wondering about that.

Kowalski:
I pass no judgement on you lemurs and your sick, depraved habits.

Private:
Looks like someone got a new circuit board.

Kowalski:
Yes, state of the art processor, hollah!

Private:
So where did you get it?

Kowalski:
Uh, I... [mumbles]

Private:
Come again?

Kowalski:
I got it from... [Mumbles]

Private:
You got it from where?

Kowalski:
I took it from Mort's video game, all right? I stole from poor, innocent Mort to fuel my own scientific ambitions! But it was totally worth it. See? [Turns on psychotron]

Private:
[thoughts transmitted from psychotron] Oh, Kowalski. How could you?

Skipper:
[Thoughts transmitted from phsychotron] This side of you makes me want to throw up in my beak!

Rico:
[Thoughts transmitted from psychotron] Fiiiiish!

Kowalski:
[Thoughts transmitted from psychotron] They're right. I'm a monster. A selfish monster!

Kowalski:
Oh, what have I done? [Throws psychotron across room; King Julien enters and poses next to psychotron]

King Julien:
[thoughts transmitted from psychotron] I would look good in pantaloons.

King Julien:
Yes, I agree with the voice that sounds like me. Pantaloons would accent my regality, but that is not why I'm here.

Skipper:
What are you doing, Private?

Private:
Following the rules of the road.

Skipper:
That's no way to treat fuel-injected nitro-charged motorized mayhem. Out of the car!

King Julien:
Maurice, who is disturbing the royal sleep? Who? Who?

Mort:
Is it the penguin in the car? Because I think it's the penguin in the car.

King Julien:
Whoever it is, I want it stopped. Maurice, do something.

Maurice:
What am I supposed to do? [Rico smashes the car] Other than that, which I totally did.

Private:
If I didn't know any better, I'd say that car has it in for Rico.

Kowalski:
Oh, Private. There you go, anthropomorphizing the inanimate, again.

Skipper:
That's a lot of egghead jibber-jabber, but that doesn't explain why our car is after Rico.

Kowalski:
Anthropomorphizing the inanimate with a supernatural twist? Preposterous.

Skipper:
Maybe so, but Private might be on to something. Our auto's gone loco.

Kowalski:
That's impossible.

Skipper:
More than that, it's unauthorized, and that won't fly in this unit.

Kowalski:
In your haste you must have added some parts from my projects. There's your ghost, Rico. My targeting system was targeting you.

Skipper:
So, no ghost?

Kowalski:
No ghost. Let's hear it for jibber-jabber!

Skipper:
Kowalski, can you open this door?

Kowalski:
A simple pin tumbler lock. Now you're just lobbing slowballs. Why don't you just ask me if I can build a self-replicating nanobot? Because I can. Obviously.

Private:
They've captured Roger!

Kowalski:
He's off to the greybar hotel.

Private:
They're putting him in a hotel? That sounds nice. Maybe they'll give him a nice room, with a mint on his pillow.

Skipper:
[Pats Private on the head] We're canceling Roger's reservation.

Skipper:
Kowalski, wheelman. Rico, gas. Private, music.

Private:
Smooth jazz or adult contemporary?

Skipper:
Let's... classic rock this chase!

Skipper:
Do a complete sweep of the perimeter. If you see anything funny, take it seriously.

Skipper:
You heard him, he plans to drop one on the commisioner before the ribbon is cut. The clock... is... ticking!

Private:
So, were the dramatic pauses really necessary?

Skipper:
[Dramatic pause] Yes.

Private:
Now that's what I call poo-etic justice. You see what I did there? I played with a word.

Skipper:
Yes, Private, we're all amused by your toilet humor. Very classy.

Private:
Oh, sorry, Skipper. Poo. Tee-hee!

Private:
Skipper, I hope this isn't insubordination, but I'm going to wipe the ice with you.

Skipper:
I like your sass.

Skipper:
Commence adorable high-jinks now! Go, go go!

Kowalski:
Executing waddling with strange yet oddly-endearing body shakes.

Private:
Pretending to lose my balance and face-plant into the pool now.

Skipper:
I got belly sliding duty. Let's make it extra cute and cuddly today, boys.

King Rat:
Aw, gee, bird. You don't look happy to see us.

Skipper:
Well, we're not. So why don't you crawl back to that sewer you call a home?

Rat #1:
Can't.

Rat #2:
The pipes burst.

King Rat:
There's a little too much sewer in the sewer. So we ain't going nowhere.

Kowalski:
Uh, that's a double negative.

Skipper:
Better make it a triple. You're out of here.

Skipper:
How's the catch of the day, men?

Private:
Looks fishy, Skipper.

Skipper:
Fish are supposed to look fishy.

Kowalski:
No, I think he means "fishy".

Skipper:
Good "fishy" or bad "fishy"?

Private:
[Shows Skipper the fish-shaped soy cakes] Definitely bad "fishy".

Skipper:
Well, that was... What's the word I'm looking for?

Rico:
Phbt!

Skipper:
Yeah, that's the one.

Rico:
[Weakly] Fish... fish!

Kowalski:
67 hours without the succulent, salty tang of the sea. He can't take much more.

Skipper:
Neither can I.

Skipper:
They're scoring again! Defense!

King Julien:
Uh-uh-uh. It must be a cheer.

Skipper:
[Cheering unenthusiastically] De-fense. De-fense. King Julien needs to play defense. Rah.

King Julien:
Which fence? I see no fence.

Skipper:
I want confirmation that there is food in that truck.

Private:
[He and Rico are inside a K-9 unit truck] Affirmative, but it looks like the food is us!

King Julien:
None may touch the royal feet! NONE!

Kowalski:
This is Wienner One. Are we aborting mission? Repeat, are we aborting mission?

Skipper:
Gentlemen, we are penguins. We have a natural need to feed on the fruits of the sea. That's the way Mama Nature built us. Now who wants to spit in the eye of Mama Nature?

[No one speaks]

Skipper:
That's what I thought. We are go for operation!

Skipper:
Kowalski! speak to me, man!

Kowalski:
Just a knock on the old monkey bus.

Skipper:
Kowalski?

Kowalski:
No need to paint. I'm as flopsy-faced as ever.

Skipper:
I... don't think you're fit for duty.

Kowalski:
Flibbertigibbit, man! I'm as juxtaposed as the next hamburger.

King Julien:
All right, you all need to do everything that I am telling you, starting with paying close attention to what I am saying right now... Right now... Now.

Skipper:
It turns out the cheerleader is not that crucial to hockey.

King Julien:
So the game did not rest on my regal shoulders?

Skipper:
Well, no, but it does now. Ringtail, this whole game has come down to you.

King Julien:
Then I shall not be letting you down. I shall only be letting you up. Make way for King Julien, champion hockey... guy.

Skipper:
Kowalski, adorability readings.

Kowalski:
The readings show that the audience's adulation for our adorable antics is reaching optimum levels.

Skipper:
Then hit them with the tail wags. No mercy!

[Penguins wag tails, audience aw]

Skipper:
And cease tail wagging now! Always leave them wanting more.

King Julien:
You probably couldn't get the ball into the hooppy thingy.

Kowalski:
It's called a puck

King Julien:
Oh, okay. You probably couldn't never get the ball into the puck thingy.

King Julien:
You dummy rats shall never score a homely run.

Maurice, Mort:
Every time the penguins score, it's King Julien we adore!

King Julien:
Bring me on!

Skipper:
You're not supposed to cheer for yourself.

King Julien:
Oh, I'm not. They are.

Rat #1:
They're killing us.

Rat #2:
Those penguins got good.

King Rat:
Yeah. So we get bad.

The Skipper:
Private, these sardine smoothies are top-notch. What's your secret?

Private:
Love, sir. I made them with love.

The Skipper:
Love?

Kowalski:
It's a chemical reaction in the brain inducing bliss. Highly addictive.

The Skipper:
[knocks the smoothie from Rico's wing] No more love in the smooties! We gotta stay sharp. The concrete jungle is an elusive mistress who may call us into action at any given moment.

The Skipper:
Your lower mammal brains don't seem to comprende.

The Skipper:
All right, boys. Let's leave the madman to his madness.

The Skipper:
I find reason tedious and boring. We'll use force.

Maurice:
You penguins are psychotic!

King Julien:
Gimme, gimme, gimme! I said gimme! What part of "gim" or "me" do you not understand?

[Maurice and the penguins are in a subway railroad]

Maurice:
Gotta... rest.

The Skipper:
No dice. We need to be back at the zoo by 0900.

Kowalski:
Which doesn't give us much time.

Private:
We should go faster.

Maurice:
There is no way I can go any faster.

The Skipper:
Oh, I'll bet the old D-train will change your tune.

[the penguins slide along the rails]

Maurice:
The what?

[a subway train approaches; Maurice runs faster to avoid it]

King Julien:
A little more to the left, Mort.

Mort:
Your left or my left?

King Julien:
Mine, of course! I'm the king. All the lefts are mine, silly Mort.

Kowalski:
I suggest we enlist Doris the dolphin to use her echolocation skills to track the missing lemur.

The Skipper:
Forget it, Kowalski. She's useless on land. Besides, Doris only likes you. She doesn't "like you" like you.

King Julien:
[Eats Maurice's banana] Nicely done, Maurice. Now peel me a grape.

Maurice:
But that was...

King Julien:
Grape, Maurice, grape. Not lip.

King Julien:
Maurice! Where are you and your booty, which is quite large and usually easy to see?

King Julien:
Here, Maurice. Just to show you that I am the bigger lemur - not in actual pounds, of course, but in the other kind of biggerness - eat the banana.

[Throws slice of banana at camera]

King Julien:
Oh, so now it's a hunger strike too, is it? You're not going to get to me. You're not going to... eat the banana!

King Julien:
See, this is what happens when you question my kingly authority.

Mort:
[hugs Julien's ankles] I question nothing!

King Julien:
I question why you touch the feet!

The Skipper:
Sounds like someone has a case of the prelaunch heebie-jeebies.

The Skipper:
Scuff marks from a portly lemur. My guess, he stumbled backwards. But why?

Kowalski:
Perhaps a localized seismic event of unknown origin, Skipper.

Private:
Or maybe the camera's flash blinded him.

The Skipper:
Sounds a little preposterous, Private. But just in case... Kowalski, run a temporarily blinded portly lemur scenario, pronto.

Kowalski:
Stand right here, Rico.

[after some calculations, pushes Rico off the ledge; he bounces off the inflatable castle and lands on a trashcan]

Kowalski:
That confirms our target fell into this waste receptacle.

The Skipper:
El excelente! I know exactly what happened. Into the can, men.

King Julien:
In a few hours, we celebrate the biggest holiday of the year.

Marlene:
Christmas in July! Except it's not Christmas... and it's not July.

King Julien:
See how playfully they tease me, Maurice.

Mort:
Please, King Julien Day is my most favorite holiday in the whole wide world. I love it this much!

Kowalski:
That's a whole lot of love in relation to body mass.

Skipper:
Maurice thinks he can bribe us with his pi?ata promises. Pity for him, penguins are not for sale. Right, men?

Private:
I wonder what's in that pi?ata? I bet it's full of butterscotch lollies and sour balls.

Kowalski:
I'd say we're looking at a 50/50 mix of gummy fish and candy buttons.

Rico:
Yay, buttons!

Skipper:
We may never know, because today we are performing scheduled maintenance on the HQ.

Kowalski:
Perhaps we can reschedule?

Skipper:
We can't just reschedule scheduled maintenance that's been scheduled, right here on the schedule.

King Julien:
Up next, the King Julien Day traditional tossing of the fruit.

Private:
Tossing of the fruit?

Marlene:
Tossing it where, exactly?

[Marlene gets a melon to the face]

Maurice:
At you, exactly.

Maurice:
Look, you don't understand how important this is. You want King Julien to be happy on his day. One time everyone forgot about King Julien Day, and let me tell you...

King Julien:
[Flashback] Which forgetter is next for the whooping? Come on, I want you to hurt like I do! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Maurice:
Oh, I couldn't sit right for a week. Trust me, you do not want him to freak on you!

King Julien:
Because what is a party without cake? I guess it would still be a party, but it would feel like something is missing. Something cakey.

King Julien:
It is time to celebrate me and the many moods of me. Today, festive me.

Skipper:
All right, so why are we here?

Kowalski:
Ah, yes. The question that has vexed common man and philosopher alike.

[pause]

Kowalski:
That's not what you were going for, is it?

King Julien:
Now I shall make you all feel inferior, which is proper.

Mason:
[interpreting for Phil] Pineapple upside-down cake, glazed with brown booger. [Phil signs] My mistake. Brown sugar.

King Julien:
Eh... just in case, next!

King Julien:
Do I see bugs in there?

Marlene:
Lemurs like bugs. Right?

King Julien:
Yes, ordinarily. But I'm on a low-tick diet.

Maurice:
What's going on there?

King Julien:
It looks like someone is sacrificing the penguins to the volcano. Eh, these things happen.

Hans:
So, it all ends with fish.

Skipper:
Just like Denmark.

Hans:
I'll have you know I kissed your sister, on the lips!

Skipper:
I don't have a sister, and if I did, she wouldn't have lips.

Hans:
Oh. Then who did I kiss?

Hans:
So, this Hoboken Zoo, is it nice?

Skipper:
I'll be honest with you. It's a disease-ridden cesspool.

Skipper:
Well, that ties up that past chapter of my life in a neat little bow.

Private:
Except I still don't know what happened in Denmark.

Skipper:
Oh, Private. That's between me, Hans and the Danes. Get your own secret life.

Skipper:
I don't like it. What do you make of it, Kowalski?

Kowalski:
I'm not sure, Skipper. It could be anything.

Skipper:
Oh really? Could it be Alaska?

Kowalski:
Nooo... Its probably not A...

Skipper:
Are you saying that Alaska might be stuck upside down to the clock tower of my zoo?

Kowalski:
I guess...

Skipper:
Because I think people would notice if the entire state of Alaska just packed up and moved to the zoo.

Kowalski:
Alright! Maybe it couldn't be anything!

Rico:
Wuuh.

Skipper:
I'm sorry, boys. I sometimes resort to sarcasm when facing the unknown.

Kowalski:
No duh.

[the penguins are fishing for condiments from a hot dog cart]

Kowalski:
Onions, Skipper?

Skipper:
No, thanks. I'm after the big catch: the elusive Polish sauerkraut.

[Others gasp]

Skipper:
Hello, sauerkraut!

[the hot dog vendor closes the door on Skipper's line]

Skipper:
Whoa, big fella!

[Skipper falls as the cart moves and pulls him out of the tree]

Skipper:
You win this round, sauerkraut!

Private:
It's Skipper! Skipper?

Kowalski:
That's not Skipper, at least not anymore. You heard the doctor. That infection did things to his brain. Horrible things!

Private:
What kind of horrible things?

Kowalski:
From the looks of it, I'd say horrible zombie things.

Private:
Is he dangerous?

Kowalski:
Oh, you bet your succulent cerebral cortex he is. Just try to avoid eye contact, wear something to protect the brain area, and move slowly towards the...

[Skipper lunges forward]

Kowalski:
Ah! It's trying to devour us all!

Private:
Run!

Private:
He's eating Rico's brain!

Kowalski:
Rico's? I mean, have you even looked at this big, juicy, jumbo genius tenderloin? That's grade-A science brain, baby!

Kowalski:
[the penguins pile up to try to peek through the window] All right, Private, describe exactly what you see.

Private:
Um... a wall, possibly brick.

Kowalski:
No mercy this time, guys. Rico, see if you can shut off your conscience and sense of common decency. [Rico grabs a chainsaw and laughs maniacally]

Hornet #1:
Hey! Who pokes things? You like poke, ve poke, okay? I sting your face!

Kowalski:
It's a hornet's nest, Skipper.

Hornet #1:
Ooh, look who vin prize! You know vat prize is? I sting your face!

Skipper:
Easy, stingtail. We don't want any trouble. We're just questioning your choice of nest location.

Hornet #1:
I have question for you. Knock knock.

Skipper:
Who's there?

Hornet #1:
I sting your face!

Skipper:
Okay, so they surprised us the first time. They took away our greatest weapons: stealth and superior tactics. But that ain't gonna happen twice.

Skipper:
[Later, as they are chased away by the hornets] It happened twice! It happened twice!

Private:
[Kowalski slaps him] No, you've got to put more emotion into it. Like you're disappointed, but you also care. [Rico slaps him] Yes, that's it! Just like Skipper used to do it.

Skipper:
Stop! Stop!

Private:
The zombie can speak!

Skipper:
I'm... not a zombie.

Kowalski:
But the infection. We heard the doctor say...

Skipper:
Who are you gonna believe, some two-bit medicine man, or your own commanding officer?

Private:
Can it really be true?

Kowalski:
But how can we know for sure?

[Rico holds up chainsaw]

Private:
Oh, Rico. Chainsaw's your answer to everything.

Skipper:
Men, amigos, my brothers in black and white. Look at me! All I've got is a broken wing, and I'm pretty sure that's not contagious.

Private:
Then why were you chasing us?

Skipper:
Because it itches like sandpaper underpants. Rico, scratch maneuvers, double time.

[Rico approaches Skipper]

Private:
No, Rico!

[the others tackle Skipper]

Kowalski:
Nice try, zombie!

[They fall off the roof; cut to them in the vet's office]

Skipper:
Okay, I stand corrected on the contagiousness of broken wings, but I did tell you I wasn't a zombie.

Skipper:
Remember, the condiments are more scared of you than you are of them.

Skipper:
This does not wash! We're penguins, they're insects. We've got the size advantage.

Private:
But Skipper, they've got the owie advantage.

Rico:
Owie!

Private:
We can't take out their nest without entering a world of pain.

Skipper:
Kowalski, were are we on eliminating pain?

Kowalski:
Way ahead of you, Skipper. I have been perfecting a pain elimination helmet.

[Puts on helmet and taps it to activate it]

Kowalski:
As you will see, the nerve inhibiting matrix will provide 100% protection from any kind of...

[Lets a cinder block fall on his flipper]

Kowalski:
Aah! It's not perfected! Oh, it hurts! It hurts so bad!

Private:
Is he gone?

Kowalski:
No sign of him - Aaah!

Private:
What was that for?

Kowalski:
I just assumed he was going to pop out of no- Look behind you!

Private, Rico:
Aaaah!

Kowalski:
And once again I appear to be mistaken. Hmm. Guess it just goes to show you can never tell...

[Suddenly Skipper pops up beneath them, and they all run away screaming]

Kowalski:
Okay, let's get stupid! [Turns on degausser on Private; he falls unconscious] Private? Are you all right?

Skipper:
Rico, my medical supplies.

[Rico coughs up two rubber gloves; Skipper slaps Private with them until he's conscious]

Private:
Ooh, is that a cotton candy machine? I like cotton candy.

[Goes to machine and gets shocked]

Kowalski:
Eureka! Stupid mission accomplished!

Skipper:
All we need to do now is to point him towards the hornet's nest and...

Private:
Oh, pretty shiny light machine.

Kowalski:
No, not the degausser!

Private:
[Turns on degausser and waves it over his head] I'm a disco penguin.

Kowalski:
Be careful!

[the degausser drains all of their thoughts; they fall unconscious]

Private:
Hello?

Kowalski, Skipper:
I like degaussing!

[Rico laughs stupidly]

Kowalski, Skipper, Private, Rico:
Yay!

Mort:
The royal feet... are mine! And I will have vengance!

Mort:
[Cheerful] Okay, be right back.

Private:
Thoughts returning.

Kowalski:
Picked up some of Rico's... Ugh! So horrible.

Rico:
Sorry.

Kowalski:
[Hiding from Skipper in the reptile house] Okay, based on what I know about zombies, the safest place to hide is in a small, dark room with creepy lighting.

[Skipper slams against glass]

Kowalski:
Everything I've learned is a lie!

Hornet #1:
I sting you so hard your great-grandchildren say ouch!

Vet:
Now, don't worry, little fella. I know you don't like the big, scary needles. This time we'll use a topical cream instead.

Skipper:
Oh, yeah? You try anything and I'll cream your topical!

Skipper:
All right, men. We've got an unauthorized gray lump. I need options.

Kowalski:
This looks like a job for science! [Cut to Kowalski poking nest with long stick] Come on, science. Don't let me down.

Mort:
You want me to talk to the bees?

Skipper:
Hornets, and talking ain't gonna cut it. We need you to do something more decisive.

Mort:
Kisses and huggies?

Kowalski:
We... need you... to go up there... and remove... the hornet's... nest!

Mort:
Then can I play in the bee's house?

Skipper, Kowalski, Rico, Private:
Hornets!

Kowalski:
Looks like somebody generated an electro-plasmonic energy orb. Booyah!

Kowalski:
You don't understand. I haven't had a scientific breakthrough in weeks.

Private:
What about your shrink ray?

Kowalski:
Pfft! Small potatoes. Useless!

Skipper:
I don't know. We could whip us up a batch of teeny-tiny French fries.

Kowalski:
Thank the maker! Which in this case is me.

Skipper:
[after Jiggles absorbs Julien] Kowalski, give me lemur extraction options, stat!

Kowalski:
Don't you see? Julien was a Jiggles hater! You know what happens to Jiggles haters!

[Rico whispers "cuckoo"]

Kowalski:
This is what happens when you hate on my monster!

Skipper:
Aha! So you admit you made a monster.

Kowalski:
The good kind of monster. My kind!

Skipper:
[Slaps Kowalski] You gotta snap out of it, Kowalski!

Kowalski:
Oh! Oh I see. You're all haters now! Well, see you later, science haters!

[Climbs on Jiggles as it crawls away]

Private:
He called us haters. That makes me sad, Skipper.

[after Jiggles absorbs Kowalski]

King Julien:
Oh, so now it's a problem.

Kowalski:
How could I have been so blind? What have I done?

King Julien:
I'll tell you what you have done. You've gone nutso!

Skipper:
You know, science is a wonderful thing. It gives us toasters, and televisions, and artificial flavors. But mad science, that just ends with dicey super weapons, freakish monsters, and artificial flavors.

Kowalski:
They grow so exponentially.

Rico:
Uh...

Private:
Kowalski...

Skipper:
Should we be concerned?

Kowalski:
About what, Skipper?

Skipper:
Oh, I don't know. Let's start with your monster!

Kowalski:
Monster is a tad judgemental, isn't it?

Skipper:
I call them as I see them.

Kowalski:
Just because Jiggles has no central nervous system doesn't mean he has no feelings.

Skipper:
He's a big blob of mad science, man!

Kowalski:
Well, if he wasn't before, this scientist is mad now!

Kowalski:
It is all clear to me now. Jiggles is a mindless monster on a ravenous rampage.

King Julien:
[Running away] Best of luck with that!

Kowalski:
I don't need luck. I need my friends.

Skipper:
Present and accounted for.

Private:
As long as you take back that hater remark.

Skipper:
I don't know, Kowalski. Naming your scientific abomination is just asking for trouble.

Bing:
Someone busted up our banana pile and the trail of green goop leads all the way to here over here.

Skipper:
Sorry, great ape, but I believe what you have lost is, what's the word, your mind.

Bing:
No, I lost my bananas.

King Julien:
That was the most awesomest thing I have ever seen that wasn't me.

King Julien:
[Doing stand-up] But seriously, don't get me started on his cooking. Maurice's cooking is so bad...

Maurice:
[Resigned] How bad is it?

King Julien:
It's so bad that I wouldn't eat it!

Mort:
[laughing] It's funny because it's you!

Maurice:
Oh, this ain't worth a two-mango minimum.

Kowalski:
He's turned the helmet's power capacitor up to ten. I kept it at a cool five, good enough for my own highly developed intelect. But ten is too powerful for Julien's simple mind.

Private:
What does that mean?

Kowalski:
It just means that Julien's chaotic thoughts will destroy us all.

Skipper:
Kowalski, have you ever invented anything that hasn't eventually threatened to destroy us all?

Kowalski:
Let me think, um... no.

Skipper:
Gentlemen, Rico is a danger to himself and others. We never leave a madman behind.

King Julien:
Too late, silly penguin! Already he is going to expand my kingdom with the most mayhemiest destructo machine ever! [Rico stands at the lemur habitat, buzzing] Eh, why is he just standing there?

Skipper:
You maniac! You let him go too far! He's built up too much psychotic pressure!

King Julien:
Uh, what?

Private:
Don't you see? Rico *is* the destructo machine! [Rico suddenly starts destroying everything in the lemur habitat]

Private:
You did the right thing, Julien. Eventually. When you had no other choice. Uh, good job.

The Skipper:
No, I can't set foot on Denmark.

Private:
Why not, Skipper?

The Skipper:
Well, that's private, Private, between me and the Danes.

King Julien:
What is all the commotion? I was having a dream where I was the last mammal on Earth.

Mort:
Was I in it?

King Julien:
Yes, but you were roadkill.

Mort:
But, I was in it!

The Skipper:
Say goodbye to Earth, boys.

Private:
But Skipper, Earth has some of my favorite things, like cookies and oxygen.

The Skipper:
...and brown paper packages tied up in strings. Kowalski, light this candle!

King Julien:
[singing] Oh, spirit of the night / Who may or may not bite / You bring the otter fright / You bring the otter fright, though you are out of sight / Go away, go away!

Maurice:
Go way away!

King Julien:
I say don't stay!

Maurice:
I say don't stay!

King Julien:
Go away, go away!

Maurice:
Go way away!

King Julien:
I say don't stay!

Maurice:
I say don't stay!

The Skipper:
Come on, men. Let's leave this to the tiny dancer, and get us some shut-eye.

King Julien:
My ghost mojo is working! Can you feel it.

The Skipper:
Greetings, moon cat. We come in peace. For now.

King Julien:
Obviously, this is a new ghost, since the old ghost was eliminated by me, your king.

The Skipper:
Your little song and dance did bubkes!

King Julien:
Oh? And what did you do? Double bubkes! So shut up.

The Skipper:
Kowalski, status report.

Kowalski:
I'm randomly pushing buttons while we spin out of control, Skipper.

The Skipper:
Can I push one? I might feel better.

The Skipper:
Ooh, aren't you boys tardy to the party?

Pidgeon:
Hey, Max. Do I look a little chunkier to you? I mean, I exercise and all, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to get rid of all this succulent... delicious... dark meat!

[Max lunges at Pidgeon, but it flies away and Max almost falls off the roof]

Pidgeon:
Give it up, furball! You ain't never caught a bird in your life! Never have, never will.

The Skipper:
Talk to me, Kowalski.

Kowalski:
These readings are off the charts!

The Skipper:
Well, get bigger charts then. Take it out of petty cash.

Max the Cat:
A shooting star. I wish... I wish for a bird that can't fly away. And... I also wish the shooting star doesn't hit me!

The Skipper:
It's knock-knock time, Rico.

[Rico spits out a lit stick of dynamite]

Marlene:
Isn't this kinda, um... extreme?

The Skipper:
No, two sticks of dynamite would be extreme. This'll just let the specter know we mean business.

The Skipper:
So we didn't go lunar?

Kowalski:
Seems I forgot to carry the two.

The Skipper:
Our turn, boys. Commence Operation: Our Turn.

Kowalski:
Lucky break you were there to rescue Marlene, Skipper.

The Skipper:
Actually, I didn't so much rescue Marlene so much as...

Marlene:
Umm?

The Skipper:
Well, let's just say if I'm ever caught in a swirling current of raw sewage, I just hope Marlene is by my side.

Marlene:
Oh, that's so sweet... I think.

The Skipper:
Gentlemen, we need a vacation. A vacation from that lemur.

Private:
Perhaps we could visit a zoo. They have pandas and hippos and a lovely house of reptiles.

The Skipper:
Private, you do realize we live in a zoo.

Private:
But we could visit a different zoo.

The Skipper:
Rico?

[Rico slaps Private upside the head]

Roger:
So the Friedman's youngest, Benny, picks me up in Florida.

Private:
Uh-huh.

Roger:
They were visiting their Nana in Tampa, but that's neither here nor there.

Private:
Uh-huh.

Roger:
I was just a baby at the time, but you change, you grow... next thing I know, I'm flushed down the toilet.

Kowalski:
Fascinating.

Roger:
Actually, it's not as bad as it seems.

The Skipper:
Gentlemen, we are going to the moon. [Private raises his hand] And no, there's no zoo on the moon.

Mort:
But I don't want to go into the haunted place!

King Julien:
Be brave, Mort, like me.

Roger:
Hello!

[the lemurs run away screaming]

Roger:
What's the matter with the guy in the funny hat?

The Skipper:
I wish I knew, Roger. I wish I knew.

The Skipper:
Gentlemen, I give you the Penguin One.

Private:
Is it safe, Skipper? [a piece falls off the rocket]

The Skipper:
Kowalski?

Kowalski:
Technically speaking, maybe.

Kowalski:
According to rumors, the previous occupant of this habitat did disappear...

Private:
...under mysterious circumstances!

Marlene:
He was transfered, to Toledo.

Mort:
[scared] Toledo?

[All look scared]

The Skipper:
[Holding a flashlight under his face] Ohio!

[Mort screams and runs away, slamming into a wall]

Max the Cat:
Greetings, my little friend. Pardon me, but are you a penguin?

Private:
Why, yes, I am.

Max the Cat:
A flightless bird! That means no flapping, no flying... no resistance.

The Skipper:
It's some kind of monster from the darkest abyss!

King Julien:
Hello? Neighbors? I wish to borrow your toothbrushes to scratch my hard to reach regions. If you agree, say nothing at all. [Silence]

Maurice:
I guess they agree.

The Skipper:
Looks like we've got an intruder, boys. Commence Operation: Hammerhead.

King Julien:
Excuse me, hammer whose head, exactly?

Mort:
[Cradling Julien's ankles] What if it was a ghost?

King Julien:
Then you can touch the ghost's feet!

Marlene:
You guys ever knock, or...?

Kowalski:
Such pleasantries would only slow us down.

Private:
We do pride ourselves on a rapid response.

Kowalski:
It appears the ghostly death rattle is coming from your own respiratory system.

Marlene:
Uh, yeah, of course. Can anybody spit it out in English? [Rico lies down and snores] Snoring? I don't snore. [Skipper plays back the tape of Marlene snoring]

The Skipper:
Mystery solved. You spooked yourself.

Marlene:
That wasn't the scary sound.

The Skipper:
Oh, come on. It's bloodcurdling!

The Skipper:
We are in the mysterious realm of the specter.

Marlene:
It's a sewer.

The Skipper:
*Haunted* sewer.

King Julien:
Take note, Maurice. Tonight, chow mein is my main chow.

King Julien:
Maurice! Mort!

Maurice:
Is there something wrong, your majesty?

King Julien:
Yes! Why didn't you tell me it was my birthday?

Maurice:
Yeah, it's not your birthday.

King Julien:
Of course it is. Otherwise why would you get me this ginormous present?

Maurice:
We didn't give you a present.

Mort:
I did.

Maurice:
No, you didn't!

Mort:
No, I did!... I didn't.

Skipper:
[Groaning] General Tso and his shrimp beat me tonight. Oh, well played, General.

Kowalski:
When did you get a robot?

King Julien:
Oh, do not be pretending, because I know it was you that sent this machine to mock me. Quit it!

Skipper:
Well, Ringtail, we are working on a mocking you scenario.

Kowalski:
Operation: Mock Julien.

Skipper:
But it's still in the lab. It's still at Mach 2. We like to get to Mach 8 before implementation.

Mason:
[Reading fortune cookie] You are careful and considerate.

Kowalski:
After careful consideration, I concur with the cookie.

King Julien:
You want me to play hide and seek with Lemmy?

Mort:
Uh-huh. Is good idea. You like?

King Julien:
I like. I can show you my seeking technique and also my counting technique. I invented a few new numbers I think you will like.

[Covers eyes]

King Julien:
One, twolien, three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten, meleven...

Kowalski:
Fortunes are mere superstitions.

King Julien:
Yes, these stitions are super, and that is why you must listen to them! This is a curse. Your friend has been given a misfortune cookie!

Private:
A what?

King Julien:
A misfortune cookie. It is like a regular fortune cookie, except it is filled with hate, and bile!... and sugar... and evil!

Private:
Oh! That doesn't sound good. Except for the sugar part.

King Julien:
You need the sugar, or the bile will overwhelm the flavor.

Skipper:
Kowalski, report.

Kowalski:
The robot...

Rico:
Boom.

King Julien:
Aaaagh! What - what has been done by you to my poor Lemmy?

Kowalski:
Well, we... It was an accident.

Private:
We didn't mean to blow him up.

Rico:
Kablamo!

King Julien:
He was the only robot I was ever loving.

Skipper:
We're sorry, Ringtail. We just knew what was best.

Rico:
Kablamo!

King Julien:
Kablowing him up was the best?

Rico:
Kablamo!

Skipper:
Okay, we said we knew what was best. We just didn't do what was best.

[Julien leaves, crestfallen]

Rico:
[Sadly] Kablamo.

Skipper:
Don't play dumb with me, ringtail!

King Julien:
Who says I am playing?

Private:
Skipper, I feel bad about this.

Skipper:
Same here, young Private.

Kowalski:
It's as if there's a deep, dark abyss in the center of your soul, and all that is light and good in the world is slipping into it.

Rico:
Yup.

Kowalski:
This must be what it feels like when you've done the wrong thing.

Private:
We've never done the wrong thing before. I don't like it.

Marlene:
[collecting coins from the fountain] I've got one dollar and seventeen cents.

Rico:
[Barfs up a whole lot of coins] Ta-da!

Marlene:
And Rico got the rest, which is both impressive and gross.

Skipper:
This is madness. Utter madness! That robot has to be decisive, forceful, able to take down an armed space squid from 50 yards.

Private:
Right.

Skipper:
You can't boogie your way out of a Martian invasion. Those space squids play for keeps.

Private:
But what can we do about it?

Skipper:
We need to extract that robot away from Julien's sick schooling, and teach him the penguin way.

Kowalski:
Yes! We are getting a robot!

Skipper:
Affirmative.

Private:
But how do we get the robot away from Julien?

Mort:
[Steps out of the shadows, speaks in onminous tone] Leave that to me.

Skipper:
Um... okay.

Mort:
[Cheerful] Really?

Kowalski:
Ah, here we go! We can replace Rico's brain with a wombat's!

Skipper:
How would that help?

Kowalski:
[Holds brain in a jar] I don't know, but I've got to do something with this.

Maurice:
Your majesty, this isn't healthy. You need to shake this off.

King Julien:
What's the use? I shall never be shaking this or even my booty ever again.

Mort:
Foot hugging time! Yay!

[Hugs Julien's feet]

Maurice:
Look at Mort hugging your feet! Doesn't that make you crazy? Doesn't that make you want to do something? Anything?

King Julien:
It's not the same without my Lemmy.

Skipper:
Rico, get a hold of yourself. Fortunes don't mean anything.

Private:
But Skipper, yours did.

Skipper:
That's called the exception that proves the rule.

Private:
And mine.

Skipper:
The other exception that...

Private:
And Kowalski's

Skipper:
All right, they were exceptional cookies! That still doesn't mean anything.

Skipper:
Guys, we've just made a very spoiled, very obnoxious lemur very happy.

Private:
And that's a good thing... innit?

King Julien:
How dare you accusing me of such outrageousness, like a snake!

Maurice:
Yo, we got a snake to bit Rico! This'll convince those pen... [Sees Skipper] Oh, well, forget it.

Marlene:
You want your fortune read, Rico?

[Rico spits out his fortune and gives it to Mason; Phil reads it and signs something]

Mason:
Egad, are you sure you're reading that correctly?

Marlene:
What's it say?

Mason:
Uh... your smiles are like rays of sunshine, warm and inviting. My, look at the time, we must dash.

Skipper:
Hold on, chimp! I smell monkey business.

Mason:
You do?

Skipper:
Yeah, I do. Rico, smile.

[Rico smiles]

Skipper:
That is not a warm and inviting smile.

Kowalski:
More like creepy and unsettling.

King Julien:
Maurice, I worry about those penguins. What could make them believe in curses?

Maurice:
Short of that penguin meeting a foul end, nothing.

King Julien:
Aha, but what if we made Freako...

Maurice:
Rico.

King Julien:
...Rico meet a foul end? That would make them believe.

Maurice:
Probably, but it wouldn't be a curse.

King Julien:
Wouldn't it, Maurice? Are you sure?

Maurice:
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

King Julien:
And I'm pretty not. No, no, wait! I'm pretty. Very, very pretty. So pretty! Mort, tell me I am pretty.

Mort:
You are pretty.

King Julien:
Thank you. See, Maurice? Mort agrees with me. Case closed.

Maurice:
All right. What did you have in mind?

King Julien:
Come closer! Closer! A little more closer! Wait, okay, that's too close. Take a step back, a little half step. Right there.

Mason:
I say, would you like Phil and I to read your fortune?

Skipper:
Knock yourself out.

Mason:
[Interpreting for Phil as he signs what the fortune says] Your decisive skills make you a natural born leader.

Skipper:
That's nice, but what does the cookie say?

Mason:
That is what it says.

Skipper:
Oh. That is one perceptive cookie.

King Julien:
Look how it mocks me in silence! It's like a mini mime!

King Julien:
I will teach you everything about being a lemur king: the bossing, the bragging, but most of all, the boogieing!

King Julien:
You still have many important things to learn, such as... the Mambo! The Moonwalk! The Egyptian! The Electric Noodle! The Robot! No, more jerky, you know, like a robot. I would think that would be easy for you.

Skipper:
Kowalski, just what are we looking at here?

Kowalski:
Isn't it obvious?

Private:
Looks like a regular old fish to me.

Kowalski:
That's because it is.

[Private turns to Rico, who shrugs "I don't know"]

Skipper:
Fantastic. Uh, thanks for clearing that up, Kowalski. Meeting adjourned.

Kowalski:
No, wait! It's a regular fish now, but when I zap it with my super ray, it will be a super fish. When we eat the super fish, we will get stronger bones, denser muscle mass, and best of all, remarkably shiny feathers.

Skipper:
Aces, Kowalski! And here I thought you'd finally cracked.

[to Rico]

Skipper:
Keep an eye on him. I think he's finally cracked.

Marlene:
Here's a little something I try to keep close to my heart. Try to look for the best in people, because you'll always find it.

Skipper:
That's cute and naive, Marlene. Manfredi and Johnson were cute and naive - well, Manfredi was the cute one - 'till the little Nairobi surprise party.

Skipper:
Kowalski tell me you've got that antidote figured out.

Kowalski:
Yeah, I... got nothing. No matter what I do, the formula's molecular structure fails to achieve low-energy orbitals.

Private:
[tastes the antidote] Hmm, tart. Have you tried adding sugar?

Kowalski:
Private, please. This is an intricate problem that requires that...

[gasps in realization]

Kowalski:
Sugar! Of course! That's the answer! The monosaccaride will stablelize the entire solution!

Skipper:
[high-ones Private] Good work, Private.

Private:
Yes, well, I thought it needed the monostereo... thing.

Skipper:
Stay alert, men. We might not be dealing with 115.384 otters at all. We could be dealing with one enormous mutated 1,500-pound otter.

Kowalski:
Or we could be dealing with six fairly large, semi-mutated 250-pound otters.

Private:
Or 1,500 tiny one-pound otters. Right, Skipper?

Skipper:
I like where your head's at, Private.

Marlene:
Yeah, it's so not an otter.

Skipper:
Is it because of how horribly mutated it is?

Marlene:
What? No! Because it's a walrus.

Kowalski:
For the record, is this walrus mutated in any way?

Skipper:
What you lemurs do with your feet is your own business. But when you terrorize the entire zoo, it becomes ours.

Private:
Um, Skipper, seeing as we turned Mort into the threat, isn't it already our problem?

Skipper:
Not now, Private.

Marlene:
Is that my hairbrush?

Rhonda:
Oh, is this yours? Here, I'm done with it anyway. Just be sure to clean it before you give it back.

Marlene:
Give it back? But it's my hairbrush.

Rhonda:
[sternly] That's what I said. Just be sure to clean it before you give it back. Okay?

Skipper:
Kowalski, options.

Kowalski:
Only one, Skipper. Close your eyes so you don't see it coming.

Marlene:
Don't you guys ever knock?

Kowalski:
Skipper thought you should see this.

Private:
The zoo transfer papers.

Kowalski:
According to this, your interloper - er, roommate - arrived in port this morning, on a class-F freigher.

Marlene:
And?

Private:
A class-F freigher is for animals weighing 1,500 pounds or more.

Kowalski:
If the average otter weighs 13 pounds, that means exactly 115.384 otters are headed this way.

King Julien:
[Throwing away fruit] Boring. Don't like. Don't want. Don't care. Used to like but not any more. Pass. Wait! Was that a mango. So sweet and tangy and juicy and sweet. Did I say sweet twice? Doesn't matter. A mango can be sweety sweet.

Marlene:
Hi, I'm Marlene. You must be...

Rhonda:
Rat! [swats at Marlene] Disgusting creature! Go away! Shoo!

Marlene:
Wait! I'm not a rat!

Rhonda:
Really? Because with that face, you must get mistaken for a rat all the time.

Bada:
Yo, Bing.

Bing:
Yeah, Bada?

Bada:
We got us a trespasser.

Bing:
No. We got us a thief. You know what we do to thieves around here?

Mort:
Kissies and huggies?

Bada:
Nope. Thieves get bounced.

[Bounces Mort out of the gorilla habitat]

King Julien:
...And that is when I decided to dedicate my life to the most importantest thing in all of the life, me. Are you getting all this?

Maurice:
[drawing a picture of Julien with steam coming out of his ears] Huh? Oh, yeah. I got it. I got it all.

King Julien:
Okay. Chapter two...

Mort:
I'm normal me again... And I like me!

King Julien:
Yes, and I hope you learned a lesson of value. Being a bully is no good.

Maurice:
Wait a minute! You used Mort to bully everyone else!

King Julien:
Maurice, we don't play the blame game here.

Private:
Ahem!

[King Julien looks up and notices the giant Private glaring at him]

King Julien:
All of the blame is mine! Just don't sit upon me!

Joey:
Why do you lot want my hay? You blokes don't even eat the stuff.

King Julien:
No, but there's something else I like to do with it. [Makes macram? Julien out of a blade of hay] Make macra-mes.

King Julien:
That was a great idea I just had. I must compliment my brain. Good idea, brain. Thanks, I think it was nice that you had an idea that you didn't pull out of your booty. Hey, do not speak ill of the booty! Oh, booty, booty, booty! Shut up about the booty! You shut up about the shutting up! Fine, then I am not talking to you! And I am not talking to you! Stupid brain.

Mort:
Gimme banana!

King Julien:
Maurice, do something!

Maurice:
Like give him a banana?

King Julien:
Don't be ridiculous, Maurice.

Skipper:
Well, I guess she wasn't a spy after all.

Kowalski:
Marlene, have you seen my invention anywhere?

Marlene:
It's right over... that is it was... lying right over... there?

[Cut to Rhonda in the crate, holding Kowalski's invention and speaking into a walkie-talkie]

Rhonda:
[British accent] This is Agent 12 calling Dr. Blowhole with a priority one coded alert. Take me out to the ball game. Repeat, take me out to the ball game. Agent 12 out.

Skipper:
Should I know you?

Amarillo Kid:
Only if your name is Mr. Tux.

Skipper:
Kowalski, my alias portfolio.

Kowlaski:
Let's see... two-bit hood Mack the Knife, international playbird Diego Garcia, wealthy industrialist Lincoln Douglas... I'm not seeing a Mr. Tux here.

Skipper:
Perhaps it was the time I woke up in that Kyoto hotel room, on a bed of counterfeit deutschmarks.

Skipper:
Well, Private. What an unexpected dimension this adds to your character.

Private:
Yeah, you see...

Skipper:
I don't like it! I like my men one-dimensional. Works better for me.

[Rico hides his stamp collection and whistles non-chalantly]

Kowlaski:
That manual must be in here somewhere.

Skipper:
Here it is! Wait, this is for the microwave.

Kowlaski:
Ooh, we have a popcorn setting?

Amarillo Kid:
Never say never, unless it is to say "never say never".

King Julien:
Ooh, he just made things interesting. Everyone, be interested!

Skipper:
Don't tell me you're betting on this nutball!

King Julien:
Well, technically I'm losing everything to this nutball, but I can't let that distract me from my game.

Skipper:
[Private wakes up taped to a dumpster; he screams] At ease, Private. The beast can smell your fear. So can I. That is fear, right?

Private:
So I'm supposed to fight the beast taped to this dumpster, am I?

Kowlaski:
No. Rico just thought it would be funny.

Private:
You mean you're not coming with me?

Skipper:
This is your test, Private. No weapons, no help, you don't even get to know where you are.

Mort:
I know where we are! I found a map on the way.

Maurice:
You did not! That's a kiddie menu you found in the gutter.

Mort:
I live in the hamburger.

Private:
Instant telescope.

King Julien:
[Takes telescope] Thank you, dumpy penguin. You see, in camping, you can make a fire with just a... piraty looky tube.

Maurice:
Don't you need sunlight for that?

King Julien:
Why would I need sunlight to do this? [hits kindling with telescope] Make fire, you looky tube! [Hands the destroyed telescope back to Private] This one's defective.

Mort:
I can't look! But I must peek.

Skipper:
Kowalski, promotion analysis.

Kowlaski:
Private risked his own life to rescue innocent captives from a demonic bus. That's plus 17 points.

Skipper:
They were all lemurs. Minus 20.

Kowlaski:
But he did bring back one primo souveneir.

Skipper:
Well, congratulations, young Private. You have been promoted to Private... First Class.

[All cheer]

Skipper:
Course we'll still call you Private. First Class is implied. Enjoy your classified joke access.

[Hands Private file; Private giggles as he opens file and reads it]

Skipper:
I don't get it.

Amarillo Kid:
You better be on your game, Mr. Tux, or this here animal farm won't be worth a toothless sidewinder on Easter Sunday.

King Julien:
And the trash talk is inscrutable.

Maurice:
He's gonna blow up the zoo?

Mort:
Ooh! High stakes!

Skipper:
[reading from a folder and laughing] That's classic!

Private:
All right then, Skipper?

Skipper:
At ease, Private. I was just laughing at a joke in our mission files.

Private:
Is it a funny one?

Skipper:
Oh, yeah.

Private:
Can I see it, then?

Skipper:
Classified!

Kowlaski:
What's classified?

[Skipper shows Kowalski the file, he laughs]

Kowlaski:
Classic.

Private:
Well, why does Kowalski get to see it?

Skipper:
Because he's got security clearance. We can't go around showing our classified information to just anybody. Rico! You gotta see this!

Rico:
[Reads and laughs] Classic!

Private:
Any more advice, trusty survival guide?

Skipper:
[on recording] This recording will self-destruct... right now! [Rico appears and beats up recorder with bat]

Rico:
Good luck!

King Julien:
I know this camp-time activity. The only way to untangle us is to work together as a team. So everybody shut it, and I will be the team.

Skipper:
Good luck, Private. If all goes well, we'll see you again at dawn, with the aforementioned souvenir in hand.

Kowlaski:
And if not... [sobbing] Well... you'll be fine.

Private:
It started as an innocent game of minigolf. I was good. I was too good. Soon any punk who could shoot a straignt ball was aiming to shoot me down. Then came this young armadillo. He was running circles around me. So I did what I had to do. [Flashback shows Private bouncing the ball off a little girl's ice-cream cone to sink the hole] I gave up the game, forever.

Marlene:
So, you gave up minigolf.

Private:
Yes.

Kowlaski:
Over an ice-cream cone.

Private:
It was a double scoop!

Marlene:
Couldn't you just buy the girl another ice-cream...

Private:
It wasn't the ice-cream, it was what the game was turning me into.

Skipper:
Armadillos are all just whacked out from the scorching desert heat.

Skipper:
Tonight you go mano-a-mano against the fiercest creature in the concrete jungle.

Private:
A badger?

Skipper:
Yes... wha? No!

Skipper:
This is just a routine visit to the doctor. Turn and cough, boys. Turn and cough.

King Julien:
Why is the blue sky not sky-bluish?

Skipper:
Think again, Doctor Deranged! I don't do needles.

Private:
Skipper, something's wrong with the sun.

Skipper:
He finally did it!

Private:
Who did what?

Skipper:
My mad dolphin nemesis, Dr. Blowhole! He blew out the sun!

Kowalski:
Actually, according to my calculations, it is the rare cosmic event known as a solar eclipse.

Rico:
Huh?

Skipper:
Are you sure it's not the crazed handiwork of my marine mammal foe?

Kowalski:
It's totally natural. The moon is between the sun and the Earth... Ooh, it's a total eclipse! Wow! Are you as totally stoked about this as I am?

Skipper:
Kowalski, options.

Kowalski:
We'll need a diversion. I suggest releasing the spider monkeys. Bedlam is their middle name.

Skipper:
They never disappoint.

Kowalski:
Amid the chaos, we escape through the south entrance.

Skipper:
Good. And then?

Kowalski:
Then, we get jobs as holiday store displays. When we've earned enough money, we build a new secret lair, one with laser beams.

Private:
Ooh, laser beams!

King Julien:
You, you are the nicest guy around here. Make me be nice! I command you!

Private:
That wasn't very nice.

King Julien:
And you are failing already!

Kowalski:
The point is, fear of medical professionals is completely unwarranted. Yes, the benefits to one's health and personal well being are much too important...

Alice:
Looks like you penguins are due for a visit to the dentist.

Kowalski:
The dentist? Aaaaah!

[Runs away]

Private:
But we don't have teeth.

Skipper:
Kowalski, analysis.

Kowalski:
I'm picking up good vibrations.

Skipper:
That's it! No more mister nice guy.

Private:
For you or Julien?

Skipper:
Whatever works.

Skipper:
Gentlemen, had this had been an actual tennis ball machine uprising, we would've lost. Game, set, match.

Private:
I don't mean to be cheeky, but why'd the doctor have to give the shots in the bum?

Kowalski:
Our fleshy buttocks make ideal distribution points for injected medicines. Ugh! Unfortunately.

Skipper:
Sounds like the sky spirits are sending you a message.

King Julien:
But I am being extra crazy nice.

Skipper:
New York sky spirits are fickle pickles.

Mason:
Phil, I don't know how to break this to you: There is no checkmate in checkers.

[Phil signs angrily]

Mason:
[gasps] You groom your mother with those hands!

Kowalski:
Skipper, I have what you're looking for.

Skipper:
Outstanding! So when's the next big eclipse?

Kowalski:
From today, 27 years, in Brazil.

Private:
Ooh, I've always wanted to go to Carnaval.

Private:
Skipper, what are you doing here?

Skipper:
Saving you from saving me.

Private:
But really, I don't mind having another shot. I can always... turn the other cheek. He-he!

Skipper:
You'll mind if it makes you sick. Or worse.

Private:
How worse?

Skipper:
You know, the chimps didn't say. I assumed you'll grow a second head or something.

Private:
I don't want a second head!

Skipper:
Then hurry, man! The doc will be here any second.

[Skipper tosses Private towards the window, but misses and he hits the wall; Private then climbs up to the window and turns to Skipper]

Private:
You know, Skipper, none of us think any less of you for being afraid.

Skipper:
Well, I do. That fear almost hurt a friend. Now get out of here, soldier.

Mason:
King Julien, you are truly inspiring.

King Julien:
I know, it is from the dancing.

Mason:
Yes, well we were just talking to the sky spirits...

King Julien:
Word up. The sky spirits love me. Peace out, sky spirits! Uh, wait, wait, wait. Conversing?

Mason:
Yes. Phil translates, actually.

Mason:
[to Phil] Begin countdown.

Mason:
[back to Juilien] And they are about to send you a message... right... about... now!

King Julien:
Just waiting for you to roll over so I can fluff up your pillow.

Skipper:
Not necessary.

King Julien:
It is okay, I'm prepared to wait all night.

Skipper:
I like a hard pillow.

King Julien:
Oh, I could be your pillow. My bottom is very soft and plushy, you know.

Private:
I'm sorry, Skipper.

Skipper:
Don't be sorry, Private. Be alert. You never know when our enemies will strike... [Suddenly, cages drop on the penguins] What the ham steak?

Private:
Um, Skipper, is this still part of the drill?

Skipper:
[as Kowalski goes to get his shot] Be strong, Kowalski.

Kowalski:
[Gets his shot] Good Galileo Galile-EEEEEEEEEE!

Skipper:
The man's a butcher.

Mason:
Ah, Sunday morning.

King Julien:
Sunday morning? Uh-uh, no! It is still Saturday night, baby! The sky spirits told me.

Mason:
Sky spirits?

King Julien:
Yes. They give me signs because I am the king. See that cloud up there? It says to me "party with the pansies."

Mason:
Chim-panzees, and we were enjoing a quiet morning, if you don't mind.

King Julien:
Oh, I do mind, mister. That cloud up there says party time, so it's time to party, mister. Mort, crank up that conga rhythm!

Mason:
Oh, please, not conga.

King Julien:
[singing] I am the Conga King / Doing the conga thing / Tail up and tail down / Grab my bottom and sing! / Let's all go conga-ga! / More fun in conga-ga! / You can't stop conga-ga! / Grab my bottom and sing!

Kowalski:
There is no reason to fear the doctor.

Private:
Except for his needle, and its slow burn of pain that... [Kowalski glares at Private]... that's not as bad as it seems.

Mason:
He must be stopped before he conga-gas again. [Phil shows Mason a newspaper headline] Solar eclipse? What does that have to do with King Dancy Pants? [Phil signs] The sky spirits, you say? Phil, that is positively diabolical. Lovely.

Skipper:
You do know about koalas, do you, Private?

Private:
Aside from their fuzzy cuteness, no.

Skipper:
Me neither. Kowalski, enlighten us.

Kowalski:
Koala: a herbivorous nocturnal marsupial.

Skipper:
In Americano, please.

Kowalski:
They eat nothing but leaves, the ladies carry their young in pouches, and they sleep all day.

Skipper:
Oh. A hippie.

Savio:
Now if you'll excuse me, I must digest your meaty allegations.

Skipper:
I wasn't born yesterday. If I were, I'd be in diapers. Which apparently I am not.

Kowalski:
What would Leonardo DaVinci do?

Private:
Paint a haunting portrait of a woman smiling enigmatically?

Skipper:
Couldn't hurt, I guess.

Kowalski:
[makes a flying device out of trash] Create and innovate!

Private:
I was just trying to help.

Leonard:
You call this helping? What's your idea of not helping?

Skipper:
You don't want to know.

Private:
We're just trying to help.

Leonard:
Help? You want to help? Then don't help!

Skipper:
We don't take orders, we give orders.

Kowalski:
Yes, that is the traditional rescuer-rescuee relationship.

Marlene:
Hey, guys. What's with the teddy bear?

Skipper:
That's classified, because I don't want to talk about it. [Night falls and Leonard wakes up]

Marlene:
Hey, little guy.

Leonard:
Oh, no! You're the otter! Back off! [Runs away]

Marlene:
Uh, what just happened?

Skipper:
Looks like you have a reputation, Marlene.

Kowalski:
It appears to be a Hoboken surprise.

Private:
Maybe it's a unicorn!

Skipper:
Private, the transfer is from New Jersey, not Rainbow Ponyland.

Private:
How come I always have to be the bait?

Skipper:
Because you're gullible and expendable. That's a two-fer.

Skipper:
You like mammals? Meet Burt.

Burt:
The world's largest land mammal, FYI.

Savio:
Please, I couldn't eat another bite.

Burt:
You got that right! [Picks up Savio with his trunk and swings him back and forth]

King Julien:
Maurice, there are Morts here, there and everywhere! I must be dreaming! The most horrible dream inside my head! Quick, pinch me! Now bite me! Now slap my face and spank my right buttock!

Marlene:
What's up with all the commotion?

Skipper:
Unknown. I'm still waiting for my away team to report before declaring defcon red.

Marlene:
Uh-huh. Real quick: What exactly is a defcon red?

Skipper:
Classified. Just hope you never live to see one, sister.

Skipper:
[Popping sounds are coming from a crate] Evasive action. We have enemy movement.

Private:
Skipper, we're taking fire!

Skipper:
We're also giving some. Right, Rico?

[Rico spits out a flame thrower and aims it at crate]

Skipper:
Steady, boys. Get ready to toast this marshmallow!

[Crate opens to reveal Julien with a popcorn container]

King Julien:
Ha ha! Popcorn anyone? It's fresh.

Private:
Julien?

Kowalski:
How did he get here?

King Julien:
I mailed myself super platinum premier overnight express. This is how a king is to be rolling.

[the penguins are inside a box mailed to the plush factory]

Skipper:
Kowalski, report.

Kowalski:
It's dark.

Skipper:
I concur. Rico, weapons check.

[Sound of Rico regurgitating several items]

Skipper:
Outstanding! Private, sound off.

Private:
Uh... Are we there yet?

Skipper:
Not yet, Private. Wait for it... Wait for it... Aaaand... Move out, now!

[They storm out; they are still at the mailbox]

Skipper:
Right. Back in the box.

King Julien:
Now, who has the honor of carrying my luggage?

Skipper:
Rico, stamp his royal highness "return to sender."

[Rico wraps Julien in bubble wrap]

King Julien:
Okay, you win. Forget the luggage.

Skipper:
[On a conveyor belt] Kowalski, hit the kill switch! [Kowalski pushes a button; a smashing device is activated]

Skipper:
Kill the hit switch! [Gets hit by device]

Skipper:
[Dazed] Switch the kill hit!

Mason:
Right, on to new business. Please refrain from yanking the hats off visitors when they stroll past your habitats. There are legal issues, and more importantly, it's just plain rude. [Phil signs] Well, of course we can still fling poo at them. That's tradition.

King Julien:
What have I done, Maurice? I already miss having that annoying Mort around so that I can hate him.

King Julien:
No need to drop to your knees to thank and worship me.

Marlene:
[about a stack of Private plush dolls] Check it out. Looks like the zoo has a new best seller.

Skipper:
Well, will you look at that. Kudos, Private. [Slaps Private on the back; he falls over, revealing that he's actually a plush doll] Private? Private?

Private:
[Back at the factory, running on the conveyor belt] Hello? Anybody?

Skipper:
Kowalski, baloney detector reading.

[Rico spits out a slice of bologna and pokes a hole through it; Kowalski scans Marlene through the hole]

Kowalski:
Skipper, I'm detecting dangerous levels of baloney.

Skipper:
Marlene, do I need to call you a phoney baloney?

King Julien:
Oh, hello. Did you miss me?

Skipper:
Not as much as you might think.

Skipper:
Somebody wanna tell me what just happened here?

Kowalski:
The answer is obvious. Marlene has fallen victim to... the mind control satellites that circle our Earth. Protective headgear, everyone!

Private:
Gee, I think she's just gone wild.

Skipper:
Right. I'm declaring red level emergency. Search and rescue, men.

Private:
Um, Skipper? does this mean we're not getting snow cones?

Skipper:
Private! How can you even ask that at a time like this?

[Cut to the penguins eating snowcones]

Skipper:
Will she ever be the same?

Kowalski:
Possibly, but it might take months, perhaps even years until she returns to her former self.

Marlene:
Um, guys? Why am I in a cage?

Kowalski:
Or maybe we just need to bring her home.

Skipper:
Marlene, are you okay?

Marlene:
I'm in a cage, so, not okay.

Kowalski:
You don't remember anything that happened ouside the zoo?

Marlene:
No.

Kowalski:
Skipper, there's a scientific term for this: weird.

Private:
We're going for yummy snow cones. Wanna come?

Marlene:
Yeah! Snow cones? Snow cones are the best! And real quick, a snow cone is?

Kowalski:
72.4% shaved ice, 15.2% flavored syrup, 12.4% paper, of which 8.7% is recycled.

Skipper:
The truth is, there is nothing to fear from the outside world.

Kowalski:
Other than random street crime...

Private:
And natural disasters...

Kowalski:
Industrial accidents...

Private:
Badger attacks...

Skipper:
Are you two finished?

Kowalski:
Falling space debris? Um, I'm finished.

Kowalski:
You there! Have you seen this lemur and otter?

[Shows a picture of Marlene and Julien]

Fred:
Which one of them is the otter?

Kowalski:
This one, obviously. Note the whiskers?

Fred:
No, I thought that was a cat.

Kowalski:
Did I say "have you seen this lemur and cat"?

Fred:
No, that's why I thought it was strange that you drew a cat.

Kowalski:
It's not a cat.

Fred:
Then why does it have whiskers?

Kowalski:
You know what? Never mind the otter.

Fred:
Cat.

Kowalski:
Whatever! Have you seen the lemur?

Fred:
What's a lemur?

Kowalski:
I think we're done here.

Skipper:
Kowalski, tell me you packed the climbing gear.

Kowalski:
Sorry, Skipper. No room with all the trail mix.

King Julien:
Uh, where did the cage come from?

Kowalski:
Sorry, that is classified information.

King Julien:
Outside, outside, outside! What is the big deal? Where is...

[Trips and gets his head stuck in a tree]

King Julien:
Hey, where is the outside?

Kowalski:
We could leave him there.

Skipper:
Tempting, but it violates the penguin code.

Kowalski:
Oh, yeah.

King Julien:
Why are you eyeing my delicious thighs and robust rump? Wait. You are not going to ransom me. You are going to eat me! Eat me if you must, but I will give you terrible indigestion, and gas unlike any ever!

King Julien:
Marlene is in love with me... which makes perfect sense, really, I am a catch... but why does it have to happen when she is snarly and gross?

Skipper:
It's all come down to me... again.

King Julien:
Now that you are much less growly, I accept your invitation of courtship.

Marlene:
What?

King Julien:
Don't you remember being madly in love with me?

Marlene:
No! Ew! Ew!

King Julien:
You know what? I think you do remember, and you are playing it off. That's it, you are trying to play it off and lift yourself higher, but it is not working. See? Everyone's looking. The female of the species, any species, who is understanding them?

Skipper:
I hear ya, brother.

[They all leave, leaving Marlene behind in the cage]

Marlene:
Um, guys? I thought we were getting snow cones. Guys?

Mort:
[Pops out of briefcase] Case open! REPLACE WITH:

King Julien:
Without the electrically power, the zoo has now become... a jungle! And who is the king of the jungle?

[silence]

King Julien:
Okay, I'll give you a hint. He is also the king of the zoo and the outlying mid-town area. And it is me. Okay, no more hints.

Skipper:
Negative! There is no such thing as jungle law.

King Julien:
Oh, really? Perhaps everyone here might want to hear the opinionings of a certified jungle lawyer.

Maurice:
[Wearing a tie and seating next to a briefcase, reading some papers] Ahem. All hail King Julien! Case closed.

Mort:
[Pops out of briefcase] Case open!

Skipper:
This is going to end very badly for you, Your Majesty. And when this jungle law does fail, I will have four sweet, sweet words for you.

King Julien:
Oh! "I love King Julien"?

Skipper:
No. "I told you so."

Skipper:
Ah, King Ringtail. I believe I owe you some words.

Kowalski:
In random order, they are: told, I, so, you.

Skipper:
Allow me to unscramble.

Private:
It's okay, Mort. We're not going to hurt you.

Skipper:
Not true, Private. I did authorize lethal force.

King Julien:
I demand to talk to my jungle lawyer!

Maurice:
Dude with a briefcase?

[Kicks briefcase aside]

Maurice:
Haven't seen him.

Skipper:
Attention, panicky mob! Clearly this is phase one in the space squid invasion. I'd advise you all to keep your heads. Space squids always start with the heads.

Marlene:
Space squids? Guys, I think we're just having a blackout.

Skipper:
That's just what the space squids want us to think, Marlene... if you truly are Marlene.

Mason:
No, I believe she's right. The entire city is suspiciously dark.

Skipper:
Well, I guess that's a perfectly logical explanation for... Hiyah!

[Grabs Marlene by the ankles and shakes her upside down]

Skipper:
Show... your... tentacles... you... squid... spy!

Marlene:
Ow! What the...! Let go!

Skipper:
Her story checks out.

Skipper:
What in the name of Eisenhower's oatmeal?

Skipper:
Tiny lemur, the feet need you.

Skipper:
Ah, hobby day. It's like taking a regular day and making it a Saturday.

Private:
But Skipper, it is Saturday.

Skipper:
Hmm, it's working already.

Skipper:
This better be life or death, Ringtail, or we can arrange those stakes.

King Julien:
[Voiceover] But those baboons, they would not listen to sabotage... I mean, reason.

Darla:
Did you drop that fuzzy bag of stank into our habitat?

King Julien:
That is a wild accusation!

Darla:
Y'all saying you didn't do it?

King Julien:
Oh, no, I did it. I just think the accusation is... wild!

Darla:
Uh-huh. Now I'm gonna say this slow, because I can tell y'all got a bad case of the stupids...

King Julien:
Maurice, how did she see the royal medical report?

Darla:
Y'all apologize for skunking us, or my gals and I are gonna make us a couple of lemur coats.

Mort:
Ooh, can I have one?

[Maurice whispers in Mort's ear]

Mort:
I cancel my order.

Skipper:
[starts dancing] That ain't right! Kowalski, analysis.

Kowalski:
Skipper, you seem to be shaking your booty.

Private:
Quite impressively, I might add.

Rico:
Uh-huh!

Skipper:
I'm not doing this. Something's making me dance.

King Julien:
You... you have my groove! It is not all bye-byed after all! Yes!

Skipper:
Get it outta me!

King Julien:
I don't know how.

Darla:
Guess who does.

Mort:
Is it Santa?

Darla:
Yea... what? No! I'm the only one who can fix this. But am I gonna?

Mort:
Santa would.

Darla:
Well, I ain't Santa!

Private:
What if Julien apologized?

Darla:
That's all I'm asking.

King Julien:
Have I not made my policy on apologizing clear? It is for the weak and wrong.

Skipper:
Listen, Ringtail. I'm about to show you how weak and wrong you are. Apologize now.

King Julien:
Uh-uh.

Skipper:
Okay then. Let's dance!

Kowalski:
I can't look away from the raw, savage splendor!

Private:
I want to cry, but I don't know if it's because I've never seen anything so beautiful, or anything so horrifying.

Skipper:
I don't get it. What in the world made me shake my tailfeathers like that?

Private:
Maybe Darla's magic was real.

Kowalski:
Don't be ridiculous, Private. Cold, hard science negates even the possibility of magic.

Private:
Okay, then maybe Skipper has a dancer buried deep inside him.

Skipper:
Magic's real. Case closed.

Kowalski:
But science...

Skipper:
Nope, I said case closed.

Skipper:
Rigth, men. Jungle law has stunk up our zoo long enough. Time to apply some penguin-scented disinfectant to this mess.

Mort:
You have feet. Give Mort feet. Mort need feet!

Skipper:
Well, Ringtail, I believe it's time I said a few words.

Private:
Oh, no. He wouldn't. Not now.

Skipper:
I... told... you... that this plan was brilliant!

King Julien:
Say what?

Skipper:
What his Majesty knew was that the biggest danger in a crisis situation was blind panic. So he set up this post-apocalyptic-wasteland scenario to keep our minds off of the blackout. Genius!

Private:
Skipper, you gave up an "I told you so." That's the most noble thing I've ever seen.

Skipper:
Sometimes, Private, you just have to set your sights a little higher.

King Julien:
Yes! Praise me, for I am so much greater than any penguin could ever be!

Skipper:
Rico, set the sights a little higher.

[Rico launches a watermelon from a catapult; it lands on Julien]

King Julien:
Aah! I've been meloned!

Skipper:
All hail the king.

Burt:
[attacking King Julien] Peanut head! Peanut head!

Kowalski:
We're only here to talk, friend. Straight turkey, no judgements.

Maurice:
Are you crazy? The dude's head doesn't even look like a peanut!

King Julien:
What? How dare you insult my gloriously peanut-shaped head!

[Burt sticks his trunk over Julien's head]

Kowalski:
Oh, golly!

Maurice:
That ain't right.

King Julien:
[after being taken out of Burt's trunk] I have seen my entire life and many gigantic nose nuggets pass before my eyes. Thank the sky spirits that's over.

King Julien:
Yes, we all like chaos and mayhem. But we need orderly chaos and nice mayhem.

Alice:
The penguin is native to Antarctica.

Smart Kid:
Oh, oh, did you know that a group of penguins is called a rookery?

Alice:
It's a bird, but it doesn't fly.

Smart Kid:
Did you know that penguins can swim up to fifteen miles an hour?

Skipper:
Keep an eye on Johnny Smart-glasses. The boy knows too much.

Rico:
[Gets behind the kid with a baseball bat] Hey, batter, batter, batter! Hey, batter, batter, batter...

Skipper:
Not yet. I wanna see where he gets his intel.

Smart Kid:
Did you know the only way to tell boy penguins from girl penguins is with a DNA test?

Skipper:
Never mind, boys. Kid's off his wingnut. Like we need a DNA test to tell us we're 100% Antarctic macho.

Rico:
Hoo-ah!

Alice:
Look, kid! All I know is that we have three males and one female. The birds know which is which.

Rico:
[Looks down at crotch] Um...

Skipper:
Loogie hocking. That's how a real man gives a DNA sample. Am I right?

Skipper:
Wrong. Wrong! Double wrong! Wrong infinity! There's no way I'm a female!

Kowalski:
Now, what you are experiencing are the five stages of grief. Right now you're at stage one, denial.

Skipper:
I am not! I'm just saying your stupid machine is wrong!

Kowalski:
Well, it was based on scientific...

Skipper:
Then science is wrong! And you're wrong! Everybody's wrong but me!

Skipper:
[the penguins are in their car] Come on, what's the hold up?

Kowalski:
[Looking at map] I'm sure there's a woman's restroom in here somewhere. I just never paid attention before.

Skipper:
We could just ask for directions. [the car stops]

Skipper:
What is happening to me? Curse you, DNA!

King Julien:
All right, this is no good. It's time for Plan H.

Maurice:
Don't you mean Plan B?

King Julien:
No, no. Plans B through G are far too ridiculously dangerous. Plan H is for Mort to go down to the under the ground electrically power cables and not come out until the smoothie machine is working again.

Mort:
I like Plan H. Whee!

[Jumps into grate]

King Julien:
Good, Mort. Now start pulling things off other things and putting them into new things. I'm sure it will work itself out eventually.

King Julien:
Save the king! The others are optional.

Kowalski:
Aha, just as I suspected! The DNA analyzer was the power hog. Gah! I knew I shouldn't have included the optional beak shiner.

Private:
Let's try a little role playing. Pretend I'm Phil.

Mason:
A bit of a reach, but very well.

Private:
Now pretend I just made a mess.

Mason:
Oh, Phil, another mess, which I have to clean up.

King Julien:
No, no! That is all wrong! [Jumps around like a monkey] Ooh, ooh! I sure do like a tire swing! Ooh!

Skipper:
It's uncanny.

Kowalski:
I know.

Private:
Now do me!

King Julien:
Okay [Jumps like monkey again] Ooh, ooh! I sure do like stinky fish! Ooh!

King Julien:
Did someone say party? Oh, yeah, baby! I am ready to... [Sees Phil's habitat full of garbage, with Joey, Bada and Bing wallowing in it] Eh, this is a little, eh, lowbrow for the king, you know.

Private:
They're behaving like animals.

Skipper:
Private, please. They're behaving like mammals. Let's not lump birds and reptiles in with this crowd.

Kowalski:
[Skipper is blindfolded and holding a pin] Take your time, Skipper. There is no right or wrong answer. [Skipper puts pin on picture in front of him and takes off blind fold; the picture has a monster truck on one side, and a pink pony on the other; the pin is on the pony] Madam?

Skipper:
Lies! [Attacks picture]

Kowalski:
I see we are now on stage two, anger. Next up is bargaining.

Skipper:
Hey, Private. How about you and me exchanging test results? Come on.

Private:
I don't think that's...

Kowalski:
Depression...

Skipper:
[Rolling on floor crying] My life is over! It's over! It's over, over, over!

Kowalski:
And finally, acceptance.

Skipper:
Well, I guess you have to play the cards you're dealt. Rico, hit me with a pretty pink bow.

Skipper:
Friends, in peril. Danger, growing. Commander mojo, returning.

Maurice:
My butt, frying!

Private:
I think a wonderful way to begin would be to say something positive about Phil.

Mason:
Very well. I am positive that Phil is disgusting and inconsiderate. [Phil signs]

Skipper:
What did he say?

Kowalski:
No idea.

Mason:
Go pound bananas?

Rico:
Ooooh!

Kowalski:
Tell it like it is, primate!

Skipper:
You go!

Mason:
Oh, you wouldn't understand! No one understands!

Skipper:
You can't bear not having someone to clean up after, so you made messes for yourself.

Mason:
Oh, I stand corrected. You understand completely.

King Julien:
Maurice, why is that penguin wearing a pretty pink bow and shouting at the sky spirits? Also, a follow up question: How come I don't have a pretty pink bow?

Marlene:
Skipper, girl stuff just means whatever you like to do. If you're into the commando stuff, being a girl doesn't change that.

Skipper:
Of course not. It just means now I'm not good at it. Now, hit me with some chiffon, doll face. I've got a hankering to sew me some curtains.

[offstage commotion]

Marlene:
That sounded like trouble. Shouldn't you go out there and do something?

Skipper:
Land sakes, no! That sounded dangerous. Now, how about we stay here and gossip about boys? [Marlene drags Skipper out by the bow on his head] Hey, that's no way to treat a lady!

Kowalski:
But how could Alice be so wrong about there being a girl penguin?

Skipper:
Ah, she's a mammal. Everyone knows they're all morons.

Marlene:
What?

Private:
[Holds Marlene back] We'll work on that one later.

Skipper:
I think we all learned a valuable lesson here today. Boy, girl, what really matters is... how well you use a pink bow whip in a crisis situatuion.

Marlene:
See, I don't think that was... [Skipper snaps whip at her, she grumbles]

Skipper:
What kind of sick mind would leave messes over and over?

Kowalski:
I've worked out a profile of our perp. [Shows outline drawing of chimp]

Skipper:
I know that face.

Mason:
[steps in front of profile] Good evening. Oh, another mess! Here, let me clean it!

Skipper:
Stand back. This is a crime scene.

Mason:
It's no trouble, really.

Kowalski:
Somewhere in this mess, the perpetrator left a calling card. He might as well have signed his name.

Skipper:
We're an elite force, not nurse maids!

Kowalski:
Actually, incubation is a male thing for penguins. It's natural instinct.

Skipper:
You too, Kowalski? We can't give in to every gushy urge nature's burdened upon our species!

Skipper:
Come on, you marshmallows! Think manly thoughts, like... monster trucks! Hooah!

King Julien:
I demand custody of J.J. Look at all the danger you have heaved upon him.

Skipper:
Heaved? You're the heaver! The egg was aces 'til you pilfered him!

King Julien:
But I pilfered J.J. while he was on your watch, so you are responsible for my irresponsibility.

Marlene:
[to King Julien] You laid an egg?

Kowalski:
Highly improbable. Mammals don't lay eggs. Unless... are you part platypus?

King Julien:
What? You are a partapuss.

Maurice:
You should just let it go. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure whatever is in that egg, it ain't one of us.

King Julien:
Oh, really, Mister Smarty-booty? And where else would J.J. come from but an egg?

Maurice:
Well, mammals usually come from...

[Whispers in Julien's ear]

King Julien:
[Spit take] Do not gross me out with nonsense, Maurice!

Marlene:
Hi, guys!

Skipper:
Jumbo shrimp! Doesn't a stealthy rendezvous mean anything to anyone anymore?

Marlene:
Stealthy... No. Should it?

King Julien:
Longly have I wished for an heir to my throne. And now the spirits have delivered to me a son.

Marlene:
Delivered to you?

King Julien:
Yes, indirectly. I shall call him Julian Jr., J.J. I will raise him to be like me: handsome, intelligent, and most of all, humble.

Private:
The whole world's gone topsy-turvy.

Skipper:
So it's up to us to make turvy topsy again.

Private:
I'm not sure that's possible, Skipper.

Skipper:
Kowalski, what did you said earlier?

Kowalski:
Um... This stinks?

Skipper:
Before that.

Kowalski:
Mama, I made boom-boom?

Skipper:
Too far back.

Kowalski:
If by some statistically remote chance you do win, the rewards will be glory and respect.

Private:
And a little swagger in your step.

King Julien:
These prizes sound cheap. As your king, I already own glory and respect. Don't I?

Maurice:
Glorify!

Mort:
Respectify!

King Julien:
See? But not a TV. Yes! Long have I wanted a box with tiny shouting people inside.

King Julien:
When I win, this hi-fi will be my-fi.

Skipper:
We'll see about that. Actions speak louder than words.

King Julien:
[Speaking through megaphone] And this speaks louder than actions!

King Julien:
Those silly-billy penguins cannot be beating me. It is unpossible.

Skipper:
Think again, lemur. The unpossible just became possible.

King Julien:
Are you a penguin or a chicken? This calls for harsh mocking.

King Julien:
[clucking like a chicken] Mock! Mock! Mock-mock-mock!

Skipper:
Lemur! One last game. All or nothing.

King Julien:
But I have the all and you have the nothing. So, how does that work?

Skipper:
Kowalski, options.

Kowalski:
Sorry, Skipper. We lost my options clipboard two nights ago.

King Julien:
Righty-o. Maurice, options.

Maurice:
They could swear their undying loyalty to you.

King Julien:
Groveling, obeying, and combing the knots out of my tail?

Maurice:
That'd be the idea.

King Julien:
Ooh, I likey!

Skipper:
We accept those terms.

Skipper:
We demand a rematch.

King Julien:
[Watching TV] Shh. Dan from San Diego is going for the $15,000. Foolishly, if you ask me.

Skipper:
Now.

King Julien:
Loser says what?

Skipper:
Now!

[Julien is watching the TV he won from the penguins]

TV Announcer:
Did you pay too much for auto insurance?

King Julien:
It is very possible. Tell me more.

[the signal goes to static; Julien turns to Mort, who is on top of the set, holding the antenna]

King Julien:
Mort, no slacking! How am I to know if I have auto-paid too much?

Skipper:
All right, you win. But now you're gonna lose.

King Julien:
I like winning. It suits me. Like losing suits them. The loser penguins.

Skipper:
Look alive, men. Time to get us some popcorn. Prepare to commence Operation: Popcorn.

Kowalski:
A bit on the nose, isn't it, Skipper?

Private:
Easy to remember, though.

Rico:
[Mumbling] Popcorn!

Skipper:
Roger that, Rico.

Skipper:
Regurgitated. Just like momma used to make.

Skipper:
Failure is not an option.

King Julien:
Which is fine by me, because I do not intend to fail. I vow to do the opposite of fail.

Marlene:
You mean succeed?

King Julien:
No, I will not suck seed. No one will be sucking seed.

Kowalski:
[Looking at a zoo directory] According to this symbol, which appears to be Aztec in origin, you are here.

Skipper:
Tell me something I don't know.

Kowalski:
Without muccus, your stomach would digest itself.

Skipper:
Tell me something else I don't know. Something less... disturbing.

Marlene:
It's a pop storm! Or is it a corn-nado?

King Julien:
Something smells fishy.

Maurice:
Yeah, I don't know about these guys.

King Julien:
No, I mean they stink of actual fish, Maurice. Open a window!

Skipper:
Keep your stiking opposable thumbs off our popcorn!

King Julien:
This is ours. Mort found it. Right, Mort?

Mort:
[Under bag] Uh-huh.

King Julien:
Finders keepers. Ha ha!

Skipper:
Kowalski, legal analysis.

Kowalski:
He's got you, Skipper. It's the Finders Keepers Treaty of 1859.

Skipper:
Blast! Secure another bag, men.

Skipper:
We can do this the easy way, or we can do this Rico's way.

Skipper:
Maybe you didn't get the memo, punk, but This zoo operates on democratic principles, and I don't think we put you in charge. Did we?

[Kowalski shakes his head]

King Julien:
How could I not be in charge? Being in charge is what kings do. So shut up.

King Julien:
Okay, my kingly plan is coming to me. First, obviously, we must get rid of that insane zookeeper Alice.

Skipper:
Negatory. You'll just get more Alices in her place.

Kowalski:
A lot more Alices.

Skipper:
Give us the number, Kowalski.

Kowalski:
42.

Skipper:
Good. You can show me your math later.

Kowalski:
Snack storage facility at 11 o'clock.

Skipper:
Blast, it's already 10:57. We don't have much time.

Marlene:
Hey, guys.

Skipper:
Marlene, you really have to say something before you burst in on us like that.

Private:
Luckily you didn't set off our habitat's new security grid.

Kowalski:
Tear gas, blow darts, land mines, the whole enchilada.

Marlene:
Isn't that a little severe?

Skipper:
Is it? One of these days, you'll learn that there is only one universal language: force.

Kowalski:
And math.

Skipper:
Right. Force and math.

Marlene:
Music, also.

Skipper:
Force, math and music are really the only...

Private:
Laughter?

[Skippers slaps Private]

Skipper:
The point is, we speak fluent force around here, and we feel safer knowing that no one, and I mean no one, is getting inside our lair.

Private:
[Speaking very fast] Too much sugar, what does Skipper mean too much sugar? I like sugar and I'm the best recon man ever! I see a fire engine! Wee-ooh! Wee-ooh! Arrgh! I'm a pirate! Ooh, a caterpillar! Ha ha ha! My name backwards is Etavirp! What's a virp? Is it sugar? I love sugar!

The Rat King:
Take everything that ain't nailed down, and then take the nailed stuff too.

Private:
No, you don't understand! This orca was gigantic, and it came from the sky!

Maurice:
A sky orca?

King Julien:
A skorca! That is what the cool people will call it now, because we take two words and make them one, because it's so hip, you know. Skorca! Aaah! Who can be safe from the terror that swims the skies? No one! All who agree, vote by getting panicky... now.

Roger:
A mind switching machine. Huh. Is this gonna hurt?

Kowalski:
Just a little pinch, followed by the brief sensation of a thousand suns exploding in your skull.

Roger:
Do I get a lollipop?

Private:
I know what you're thinking. Private had too much sugar and dreamed up a flying whale that doesn't even exist.

Kowalski:
Wow! That is what I'm thinking.

Skipper:
Sugar dreams and mind-reading powers? How many Winkies did you eat?

Private:
So, after Rico trounces the rats inside Roger's body, we switch them back?

Skipper:
Exactly. It's 100% fool-proof.

Kowalski:
More precisely, it's 2.7% fool-proof. There's a 97.3% chance that this will backfire and result in a horrific abomination that will be an affront to the most elemental laws of nature and the universe.

Skipper:
I like those odds.

Private:
But I really did see a skorca. You've got to believe me!

Skipper:
And we wanna believe you, Private, but compare the evidence.

Kowalski:
On the sugary-sugar side, we have a box of empty sugar cake wrappers and your own upset tummy.

Skipper:
On the skorca's side, nothing. Less than nothing. Kowalski, what's a number less than nothing?

Kowalski:
Uh... neg-finity.

Skipper:
Don't test me, Rico. If I have to take down one of my own, I'll do it. Just ask Manfredi and Johns...

[Gets hit]

Kowalski:
[Bouncing on the orca balloon] Skipper, the creature appears to have a blubbery force field. Also... Whee-hee-hee!

Kowalski:
[Looking through binoculars] Target is 17 yards dead ahead, Skipper. [Skipper turns the binoculars the other way] Make that 17 feet.

King Julien:
The excitement is giving me the tinglies. Maurice, scratch me here 'till the tinglies go away.

Skipper:
Rico's never disobeyed an order before, not even the time I forced him to suck the cobra venom out of my left buttock.

Skipper:
Maniac! Can't you see we share the same enemy?

Joey:
Joey don't share.

Roger:
[singing] I like happy frogs and belly flops, not big meanies or special ops.

Kowalski:
A flying orca. It's like our worst nightmare brought to life.

Skipper:
Interesting theory. Then whose nightmare is the giant waffle cone sundae?

[Points to giant balloon of ice-cream cone]

King Julien:
Flee for your lives! How can we be safe from Two-scoopula, the ice-cream that walks like a man?

[Rico hands him a spoon]

King Julien:
Oh, I guess that would do it.

Skipper:
Roger, how did you get past our security field?

Roger:
Me? Oh, I just came in through the front door. Right over there.

Kowalski:
In that case, according to security protocol, you are either an enemy agent, or our guest.

Skipper:
What in the name of Gandhi's nunchucks?

Roger:
[singing] When you hear the night's last flush / Then, my dear, it's time to hush / One or two, either number / Says to you, peaceful slumber / Feel the drench from the broken pipe / Oh, that stench, it's mighty ripe / Swat those flies, close your eyes / Drift off to my stinky lullaby.

Skipper:
That settles it. Private, you're on aerial recon duty tonight.

Private:
By myself? All night?

Skipper:
And with potential enemies coming from all sides. It's a solder's paradise.

Roger:
But I tried everything. I asked them nicely, I baked them muffins... [Rico grunts]

Skipper:
Good point, Rico. Have you tried bashing their heads 'til they go crying to their little rat mamas?

Roger:
Isn't that a little violent?

Skipper:
If it's done properly.

Skipper:
Kowalski, diagnosis.

Kowalski:
Acute imaginosis of the frighty bone. Worse case I've ever seen.

Skipper:
Is there any cure?

Kowalski:
The effects of the sugar should wear off in less than five minutes.

Skipper:
[Slaps Kowalski] That's five minutes too many. Give me results.

Kowalski:
Well, the skorca is a pretend creature. So, if we pretend to defeat it, that should cure Private's sugar-stoked fantasies.

Skipper:
Imaginary combat. I like it. Men, iniciate Operation Scaredy-Cat, now!

King Julien:
Maurice, fetch me the royal thermometer.

Maurice:
[Holds up a frozen Mort] Thermometer says...

Mort:
C-c-cold!

King Julien:
We must ask the sky spirits to turn this freezy wind toasty. Oh, great sky spirits...

[the wind freezes Julien]

Maurice:
Maybe you should say pretty please?

Mort:
The royal feet are frostbited!

[Hops toward Julien's feet]

Skipper:
Kowalski, give me some options for evening out these fierce tans.

Kowalski:
I suggest a 180-degree horizontal axis rotation.

Skipper:
Right. On my mark, flip.

King Julien:
We must thank the sky spirits for providing to us this warm coziness we are now enjoying. If there's ever anything I can do, any...

[Walkie-talkie hits Julien]

Skipper:
[Through walkie-talkie] There is something we need you to do.

Maurice:
You offered.

King Julien:
Uh, Hi, howdy,sky spirits? I never thought you would sound like a testy penguin.

Skipper:
Clam up and listen to me?

King Julien:
A lot like a testy penguin, actually.

Skipper:
Your kingdom is about to blow up in one hour and 47 minutes.

King Julien:
Ooh, a vengeful sky spirit!

Skipper:
It's me, Skipper, you idi... Will you just listen to me?

Skipper:
Listen up, Ringtail. You have one hour and twelve minutes to install that cooling device.

King Julien:
Is that including lunch, coffee breaking and the royal siesta?

Skipper:
Kowalski's gonna walk you through it, step by step, so you must do exactly what he says.

King Julien:
I am royalty! No one can tell me exactly what to do.

Skipper:
Then how about you order Kowalski to tell you exactly what to do?

King Julien:
Okay, yes. That would work.

King Julien:
Mort, now is the time for you to volunteer a little bit. [Mort is blown away by a spray of steam]

King Julien:
[to Maurice] Well, I guess it's all up to... [Maurice is knocked out by a falling box]... me?

Private:
Skipper, how cold is it?

Skipper:
Kowalski?

Kowalski:
I'm not certain, but I'd put the over-under at 17 degrees Fahrenheit.

[Taps beak]

Kowalski:
The freezing point of snot.

Private:
I've lost all feeling in my left cheek, Skipper.

Skipper:
That's my cheek, Private, and it's the right one. But don't worry. This joker can't hold out much longer.

[the professor turns on a space heater]

Skipper:
I stand corrected.

Skipper:
Kowalski, analysis.

Kowalski:
Ankle bracelets with tracking devices. They can monitor our every move.

Skipper:
That ain't gonna fly! No one can know our whereabouts at any time, not even us. Rico, hacksaw me!

[Rico hocks out a hacksaw, Skipper catches it]

Private:
Skipper, are you going to saw off the bracelet?

Skipper:
Bracelet? I was just going to saw off my foot. But you might have something there, Private.

Kowalski:
Wait, Skipper! Tamper-proof lining. If you cut the bracelet, it would break and set off the alarm.

Skipper:
Well, men, it looks like we've got us a waiting game.

Kowalski:
I'm afraid we don't have time to wait, Skipper. We left the air conditioning room before I could install the cooling attachment. Without it, the heat inside the furnace will built up until...

Rico:
Kaboom!

Private:
[faints] Oh dear.

Private:
The scientist's getting suspicious, Skipper.

Skipper:
Enough with the smoke and mirrors! It's time we started acting like penguins!

Private:
But we only know the smile-and-wave routine. What else do penguins do?

Skipper:
I don't have the faintest.

Alice:
So, you study penguins?

Doctor Peary:
[unenthusiastic] Yes, it's my passion and my life. This would be an ideal opportunity to study these majestic birds under these antartic conditions.

Alice:
Whatever floats your root beer.

Skipper:
Private, give me some penguin material.

Private:
Okay... first peck on the ground. Now bob your head. Now get a running start, flap your wings and fly away! Oh, wait. That's pigeons.

Maurice:
Okay, the cooling device is installed. Now what?

Kowalski:
If you open the front panel, you will see seven different colored knobs. [They open the panel; all the knobs look the same shade of red] Red, crimson, scarlet, brick, salmon, ruby and rose. It is of utmost importance that you only turn the scarlet knob.

King Julien:
I want to watch animals on the computer. Well, I want to watch me on the computer, you know. Eh, what is a computer?

Mort:
I like computers!

King Julien:
So you know?

Mort:
No, but I don't have to know... to like!

Marlene:
A computer is a machine the people use to avoid work, mainly by watching silly little videos.

Maurice:
You're saying those cameras are there so the whole world can watch us?

Skipper:
Like hawks!

Kowalski:
Except for the swooping down and devouring us part.

Private:
Hopefully.

King Julien:
Tell me more about this "People want to watch me" thing.

Marlene:
They get on the internet and vote for their favorite animal. You know, back in my old aquarium, I was voted most popular three years in a row.

King Julien:
Which is not interesting to me because it is not about me. See how that works?

Marlene:
Maybe you didn't hear me.

[Pulls out three trophies]

Marlene:
Three-time national internet popularity champion right here!

King Julien:
[Seeing his reflection on one of the trophies] Ooh, I can see me, but wider. I would very much like to have it!

Marlene:
Since I'm no longer in competition - scandal, long story - I can help you, if you want.

King Julien:
Silly otter. I do not need this thing called help.

Marlene:
Mmm, okay. If you change your mind, you know where to find me.

King Julien:
Yes, yes, but I don't change my mind. I have people for that.

King Julien:
I can feel my interweb popularity skyrocketing!

King Julien:
Marlene, what are you doing here?

Marlene:
I live here?

King Julien:
Really? Who knew? I didn't.

Marlene:
Julien, you never visit. You must really be stinking up the internet.

King Julien:
Yes... I mean, no! I could not be more popularlest. Everybody is loving the king that is me.

Marlene:
Okay, I'll let you get back to that.

King Julien:
Yes, I guess I really should... They hate me! They hate me! I must have the shiny trophy, and that roly-poly penguin is hogging all the glory that should be the king's! Help me! Please, please! I'll say it one more time, Please!

Marlene:
Okay, since you are pathetically begging.

King Julien:
I'm not sure I would say pathetic.

Marlene:
I would.

King Julien:
All right, it's just a word. Help me now.

Marlene:
Okay, here's what I see. Lights, music, artsy hats, a performance that'll knock'em dead!

King Julien:
Yes! And if they're dead, they can't vote for that ridiculous penguin.

Skipper:
Kowalski, recon. What do you see?

Kowalski:
[Seeing through binoculars] Not sure. The enemy must have some sort of cloaking device.

Skipper:
[Removes lenscap from binoculars] How about now?

Skipper:
We don't have much time. Kowalski, counterspying scenario, si'l vous plait. [Kowalski draws up a plan and shows it to Skipper] Outstanding! [camera moves] Blast! The enemy saw it. Better think up another plan. [Kowalski draws another plan] Oh, even better than the first one! [Camera moves] Blast! The enemy saw this one too.

Skipper:
This madness ends now!

Private:
Hello, Skipper. Care for a bite?

Skipper:
We're busting you out, Private.

Private:
Oh, I don't think that's possible, Skipper. Between the slipping and the falling I'm booked solid.