The Simpsons

The Simpsons

This long-running animated comedy focuses on the eponymous family in the town of Springfield in an unnamed U.S. state. The head of the Simpson family, Homer, is not a typical family man. A nuclear-plant employee, he does his best to lead his family but often finds that they are leading him. The family includes loving, blue-haired matriarch Marge, troublemaking son Bart, overachieving daughter Lisa and baby Maggie. Other Springfield residents include the family's religious neighbor, Ned Flanders, family physician Dr. Hibbert, Moe the bartender and police chief Clancy Wiggum.

Genre: Animation
Director(s): weaseltoncelive
  The Simpsons Screenplay »
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Year:
1989
58,686 Views

Marge:
There's no shame in being a pariah.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, release the hounds.

Elf:
Welcome to Santa's Village, where it's Christmas everyday! Closed on Christmas.

Homer:
Kids, just because I don't care doesn't mean I'm not listening.

Bart:
Ay, carumba!

Agnes Skinner:
You failed, Seymour. What is it with you and failure?

Lisa:
Dad, just for once don't you want to try something new?

Homer:
Oh Lisa, trying is just the first step toward failure.

Homer:
Well, I hope you've learnt your lesson, Lisa: never help anyone.

Homer:
Boy, everyone is stupid except me.

Principal Skinner:
There's no justice like angry-mob justice.

Homer:
Marge, can I go out and play?

Homer:
[Comforting] There, there. Shut up boy.

Bart:
Eat my shorts.

Bart:
Don't have a cow, man.

Homer:
I see the light... it burns!

Barney:
I think we'd be all better off if each country had its own planet.

Krusty the Clown:
You, sir, are an idiot.

Mr. Burns:
Whoa, slow down there maestro. There's a NEW Mexico?

[repeated line]

Mr. Burns:
Excellent.

Homer:
Ahh, now to spend some quality time away from my family.

Homer:
Take that, Lisa's beliefs!

Nelson:
I feel like such a tool.

Homer:
[to Marge] I toil not on ye Sabbath, Woman. A pox on thee!

Marge:
Sitting that close to the TV is bad for your health.

Homer:
Talking to me while I'm watching TV is bad for your health.

Bart:
Dad, I can't believe you're risking my life to save your own.

Homer:
Son, you'll understand one day, when you have kids.

Moe:
Oh boy, it looks like it's suicide again for me.

Marge:
You should probably see a doctor about this...

Homer:
OK.

Marge:
[realizing] A competent doctor.

Homer:
D'oh!

Homer:
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Homer:
Its been three days and my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up and I'm able to recognise simple shapes and patterns.

Lisa:
Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.

Agnes Skinner:
'Nuff talk, it's smashin' time.

Ned Flanders:
You know, a man came into the store today and asked for change for a dollar, and I accidentally gave him three quarters. Took me all afternoon just to track him down.

Marge:
Homer, it's easy to criticize.

Homer:
Fun, too.

[Lisa is strangling Bart]

Homer:
Lisa, no. Your hands are too weak. [begins strangling Bart]

Homer:
I hope I didn't brain my damage.

Homer:
Hey, Weiner Boy... where do you think you're going?

Bart:
[slapping Lisa] Don't hit Maggie. She's just a baby.

Homer:
[slapping Bart] Don't hit Lisa. She's a girl.

Grampa:
[slapping Homer] Keep your hands off of him Homer!

Bart:
Lisa made me do it. She cast a witch's spell on me.

Lisa:
It's spelled Wicca, and it's empowering.

Bart:
Wicca is just a Hollywood fad.

Lisa:
That's Kabbala, jerk.

Homer:
Oh, I'm in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don't have to listen to myself. I'm drunk.

Marge:
Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.

Chief Wiggum:
[shopping for his wife at a women's clothing store] My wife's looking for something that doesn't make her look like a horse, so, I'm gonna be here for a while

Homer:
[after doing or saying something stupid] D'oh!

Homer:
Lisa's with writers, now. The happiest people in the World!

Marge:
Not the swear jar! It's the only thing holding back the filth! [Swear jar breaks] Nuttyfudgekins!

Homer:
You wouldn't understand, Dad, you're not with it!

Grampa:
I was with it once! And then they changed what it was! And now what I'm with isn't it and what's it seems weird and scary to me! And it'll happen to you!

Sideshow Mel:
[dressed as a caveman with a bone through his green hair] My opinions are as valid as the next man's!

Superintendent Chalmers:
I'm a public servant, Seymour, I'm not allowed to use my own judgement in any way whatsoever.

Ned Flanders:
Hi-diddly-ho, neighbourino!

Krusty the Clown:
Talk to the audience? Oh, this part is always death.

Scientist:
Let's not listen.

Crazy Person at the Homeless Shelter:
That's the answer! Pawn to King's Bishop Three!

Homer:
[Defending himself in Court] If these Celebrities didn't want people going through their garbage or saying they're Gay, they should not have expressed themselves creatively...

Mr. Burns:
[Giving a talk to inspire the school] Okay, I'm going to keep this short. Friends, family, religion. These are the demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. Any questions?

Homer:
[Blundering into the Everyman Casting Session] Hello, can I have change for a dollar? Also, can I have a dollar?

Comic Book Guy:
[Sees Homer as Everyman] You. Are. Acceptable!

Homer:
Great, would you like to see me naked?

Hollywood Casting Lady:
Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.

Homer:
What movie?

Krusty the Clown:
We're going to drop him out of a helicopter and see what happens! [Pats Mr. Teeny] Aw, don't worry. Nothing's going to happen to you, Mr. Teeny Number 7.

Average Nuclear Plant Employee:
I am the Angel of Death. Soon the Hour of Purification will be at hand.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, get this bedlamite an alienist!

Homer:
Hi Fat Tony! Still in the Mafia?

Fat Tony:
Er, yes, Homer. Thanks for asking.

Homer:
Moe, it seems to me that everytime I drink too much something like this always happens. Maybe I should...

Moe:
[Cramming beer down Homer's throat] Yeah, take your medicine, you lush, ya.

Nurse:
Dr. Nick, the Coroner would like to see you.

Dr. Nick Riviera:
The Coroner! I'm so sick of that guy...

Care Home Resident:
Take my room-mate away, he's dead!

Care Home Nurse:
[having sabotaged a computer game system] Well excuse us for making the worst job in the World a little easier. The terrible pay, the constant presence of Death.

Lisa:
But you can't stop them from having their fun!

Care Home Nurse:
They should have had their fun before they got here!

Homer:
Lousy Smarch weather.

Principal Skinner:
Mrs Krabappel is in Portland. It turns out the people she hired to deprogram her sister out of that Cult were an even worse Cult.

Superintendent Chalmers:
[On Grampa Simpson's advice, Bart has kissed Nikki] Today we are gathered to put a stop to something that would have been considered innocent 100 years ago, but which in today's litigious society has been blown completely out of proportion.

Ralph:
Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers!

Grampa:
Ah, my first kiss! I remember it like it was yesterday! [a thought bubble appears and fills up with static] Uh-oh.

Comic Book Guy:
That was from a Dream Sequence! It never really happened.

Bart:
None of these things ever really happened!

Comic Book Guy:
Get out of my Store!

Kent Brockman:
[in front of a mugshot of HRH Queen Elizabeth II] And the Queen will be held without bail until the sample is returned.

Strawberry:
We're getting married! Now when he talks to himself, it'll look like a conversation.

Mrs Lovejoy:
[the Parson is coming] Please try and relax.

Reverend Lovejoy:
But he's like the Pope of this thing!

Therapist:
You hate your father, don't you?

Homer:
The guy I really hate right now is your father!

Therapist:
I'm sorry, I was just venting...

[repeated lines]

Homer:
Shut up, Flanders!

Ned Flanders:
Okily-dokily!

Ned Flanders:
[people are missing the point of Flanders' "Hell House"] No! His sin was thinking that women are beautiful!

Principal Skinner:
[Not happy with the "Puma Pride" mural] The shapely female form has no place in Art!

Homer:
[Homer is a Bounty Hunter] Stop in the name of a Private Citizen with no connection to the Law!

Homer:
Oh, kids are great! You can teach them to hate what you hate!

Marge:
What do you do, follow my Husband around?

Hot Dog Vendor:
Lady, he's putting my kids through College!

Kent Brockman:
So, Senator, tell our viewers why they should vote for you?

Kang:
[Bioduplicated to look like the Senator] It makes no difference who you vote for! Either way your Planet is Doomed! Doomed!

Kent Brockman:
Well, a refreshingly honest response there from Senator Bob Dole!

Homer:
Oh no, Aliens! Well, I suppose you want to probe me, might as well get it over with.

Kang:
Stop! [Tentacles quiver] We've reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach us...

Homer:
[Gasps] You mean the Mafia only did me a favour to get something in return? I will say Good Day to you, Sir!

Fat Tony:
[Thoroughly ashamed] Okay, I will go. [Leaves through the fire exit] Hey, wait a minute!

Marge:
Nelson's a troubled little boy. He needs to be isolated. From everyone!

Hans Moleman:
There is no escape from the Kingdom of the Moles! Well, except that.

Hans Moleman:
This is Moleman in the Morning. Good Moleman to you! And now, continuing the series on the terrible pain in which I live every day...

[repeated line]

Bart:
Well, I'm bored.

Homer:
Wait, what did my Dad always say?

Grampa:
[Memory bubble] If you can't build a robot, be a robot!

Captain McCallister:
I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail around the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.

Mr. Burns:
We are building a CASINO.

Captain McCallister:
Aaaaarrr... Can you give me 5 minutes?

Robert Goulet:
Are you sure this is the casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...

Nelson:
Your manager says for you to shut up!

Robert Goulet:
Vera said that?

[repeated line]

Lisa:
If anyone needs me, I'll be on my room.

[repeated line]

Marge:
Hrrrrrmmm!

[repeated line]

Bart, Lisa:
AAAAAAH! SIDESHOW BOB!

[repeated line]

Sideshow Bob:
Hello, Bart.

[repeated line]

Krusty the Clown:
Hey-hey, kids!

[repeated line]

Mrs Lovejoy:
Won't somebody PLEASE think of the children!

Cool New Teacher:
This school is a glorified hamster wheel! These stuffed suits can get you through a test, but you will fail the test of life!

Groundskeeper Willie:
[dragging him out] It's always the good ones that go crazy the fastest.

Cool New Teacher:
Alcohol is the only thing that makes life bearable! You must Drink, Always Drink!

Marge:
[Bart is in an asylum after faking sociopathy to get back at his parents for testing him for it] How could he go so wrong!

Homer:
We did everything we could for him during the commercials!

Bart:
I'm not bad, I just make bad decisions.

Milhouse:
Mrs Krabappel? How will we know if we fall in love?

Mrs. Krabappel:
Don't worry children. Most of you will never fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!

Milhouse:
[sitting in a fighter plane's cockpit at the school fair] Pow, pow, pow! Take that Mom and Dad! Send me to a child psychiatrist, will you? [the ejector seat goes off and sends him flying]

Bart:
I don't know why I do what I do [eats a bag of M&Ms then drinks a two-litre bottle of soda] Whoa! [twitches]

Grampa:
[his medication] The pink ones stop you from screaming!

Ned Flanders' Mother:
[getting Ned some therapy] We've tried nothing and we're out of ideas!

Homer:
What you Celebrities must understand is that we own you for life! And the second you're dead, you'll all be dancing around selling toilet cleaner.

Moe:
[Homer is searching for his soul mate] I'm more of a well-wisher. Meaning that I don't wish you any specific harm.

Marge:
[cage-fighting] I don't want to sound like a killjoy, but because this is not to my taste I don't think anyone else should be allowed to enjoy it.

Marge:
[protesting, sees Homer go in] Mr. Scalper, a ticket please!

Scalper:
I am not a Scalper, I am a dude whose 200 friends did not show up.

[sells her a ticket]

Mrs Lovejoy:
Now what do we do?

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon:
Let's talk about Marge behind her back!

Mrs Hibbert:
Have you noticed her baby never says a thing?

Luanne:
I'll bet it saw something awful!

Lunchlady Doris:
More testicles means more iron!

Mrs. Krabappel:
Okay, children, that was the Sand film...

Groundskeeper Willie:
My shack! I just got it the way I like it!

Lisa:
[about her state costume] I'm a monster!

Homer:
No, lisa, you're not a monster. The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor! We must save your mother from his neon claws!

[Lisa has had a nightmare]

Lisa:
Well, I know it's absurd, but I dreamed the boogeyman was after me, and he was hiding under...

Homer:
Ahhhhhhhhhh! Boogeyman! You nail the windows shut, I'll get the gun!

[Homer bursts into Bart's room] Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but there may be a boogeyman or boogeymen in the house!

Bart:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Homer:
Well, that's nothing because you have a gambling problem!

Marge:
Homer! When you forgive someone you don't rub it in!

[Homer is a Blackjack dealer]

Ernst Stavro Blofeld:
Twenty. Your move, Mr. Bond.

James Bond:
I'll take a hit, dealer.

[Homer deals Bond a card]

James Bond:
Joker? You were supposed to take those out.

Homer:
Oh, sorry.

[Homer deals Bond another card]

James Bond:
What's this? "Rules for Draw and Stud Poker"?

Ernst Stavro Blofeld:
What a pity, Mr. Bond...

[Oddjob and Jaws advance on Bond and grab him]

James Bond:
But it was Homer's fault. I can't lose. I never lose.

[Oddjob and Jaws drag Bond out of the casino]

James Bond:
At least tell me your plans for world domination.

Ernst Stavro Blofeld:
Oh ho, ho, I'm not falling for *that* one again.

Homer:
[Ranting loudly] YURGIDDAFURDARATAARA.

Marge:
Homer, what is it? Slow down.

Homer:
[Calmly and slowly] Yurgiddafurdarataara.

Marge:
Think before you say each word.

Homer:
You broke a promise to your child.

[Smithers and Mr. Burns at the Casino]

Smithers:
I'm afraid Robert Goulet hasn't arrived yet, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Very well, begin the thawing of Jim Nabors.

[Robert Goulet arrives with Bart at his tree-house Casino]

Robert Goulet:
Are you sure this is the Casino? Mr. Burns' Casino? I think I should call my manager...

Nelson:
Your manager says for you to shut up!

Robert Goulet:
Vera said that?

Smithers:
[holding a model airplane] We'll take the spruce moose! Hop in!

Smithers:
But sir, it's just a mod...

Mr. Burns:
[takes out a pistol] I said, "Hop in."

Mr. Burns:
Thank you for visiting our plant, Dr. Kissinger.

Henry Kissinger:
It was fun.

Smithers:
We'll let you know if your glasses turn up.

Henry Kissinger:
Yes, well, I'm sure I left them in the car.

[thinking]

Henry Kissinger:
No one must know I dropped my glasses in the toilet. Not I, the man who drafted the Paris Peace Accords.

[Homer finds a pair of horn-rimmed glasses floating in a toilet bowl. He puts them on, then puts a finger to his head, a la the Scarecrow in "The Wizard of Oz."]

Homer:
[rapidly] The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isosceles triange is equal to the square root of the remaining side.

Man in Stall:
That's a right triangle, ya idiot!

Homer:
D'oh!

[Lisa has to dress up as a state for the school pageant]

Marge:
Well, in honor of legalized gambling, why don't you go as Nevada?

Lisa:
No, Nevada makes my butt look big.

Principal Skinner:
And now, a special award for those students who obviously had no help at all from their parents, Lisa Simpson and Ralph Wiggum!

[Lisa is wearing the "Florida" costume that Homer made for her; Ralph has a piece of paper with "Idaho" written on it taped to his chest]

Ralph Wiggum:
I'm Idaho!

Principal Skinner:
Yes, of course you are.

Welcomer to Casino:
Hi Ex-Boxer Gerry Cooney welcoming you to the Mr. Burns Casino

Otto Mann:
OK see you

Welcomer to Casino:
Oh and by the way...

Otto Mann:
I said Knock it off

Otto Mann:
[Otto Punches Mr. Cooney] He is not so tough!

Captain McAllister:
[pitching an idea to Burns with a painting of a ship] I'll need three ships and fifty stout men. We'll sail 'round the Horn and return with spices and silk, the likes of which ye have never seen.

Mr. Burns:
We're building a casino!

Captain McAllister:
Arr... can you give me five minutes?

Mr. Burns:
Smithers do you think you could dig up Al Jolson?

Smithers:
Ummm... Remember we tried that?

Mr. Burns:
Oh right, he's dead... and rather pungent. The rest of that night is something I'd like to forget.

[Burns flashes back to his childhood on the Springfield Waterfront:
as a little boy riding the bumper cars, he ignores the other cars and heads straight for the legs of an Irish worker painting the rail]

Irishman:
AH! Why, you little-!

[turns around and gasps]

Irishman:
Master Burns! I mean, carry on.

[laughing, Burns ploughs repeatedly into his legs]

Irishman:
AH! OOH! OW! Oh, me leg's gone gammy! Who'll provide for me little ones?

Kent Brockman:
Now, at the risk of being unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on YOU, the viewers.

[performing at Bart's Casino]

Robert Goulet:
[singing] Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg! The Batmobile lost its wheel, and the Joker got away, hey!

[cheering and applause]

Robert Goulet:
Thank you, thank you very much...

[twirls his microphone, hits Milhouse]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Ow!

Robert Goulet:
Oh! I'm sorry, kid.

Kent Brockman:
Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for Philosophy majors - useful people are starting to feel the pinch.

Smithers:
Sir, you haven't slept since the casino opened five days ago.

Mr. Burns:
Yeah, well, I've discovered the perfect business: people swarm in, empty their pockets, and scuttle off. Nothing can stop me now - [paranoid like Howard Hughes] except microscopic germs. But we won't let that happen, will we, Smithers?

Smithers:
Uh, no sir.

Mr. Burns:
[spraying the monitors with disinfectant] They're all covered with filthy germs, aren't they Smithers?

Smithers:
Why, what do you mean, sir?

Germs:
[the germs appear lively] Freemasons run the country!

Mr. Burns:
Ew!

Rev. Lovejoy:
Once the government approves something, it's no longer immoral!

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, I've designed a new plane! I call it the Spruce Moose, and it will carry 200 passengers from New York's Idlewild Airport to the Belgian Congo in 17 minutes!

Smithers:
That's quite a nice model, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Model?

Milhouse Van Houten:
[about Doctor Doolittle] The running time is 152 minutes.

Nelson Muntz:
The running time is now! [Tries to run for the door, but Groundskeeper Willie hits him with the hose and knocks him back in his seat]

Homer Simpson:
Should I do the thing I'm supposed to do, or the thing everybody knows I'm going to do?

Marge Simpson:
Homey, I think I finally understand gluttony.

Homer Simpson:
Welcome to America, baby.

Lisa Simpson:
Our family has been ostracized for many reasons, but never our hygiene. Okay, rarely our hygiene. Okay, never my hygiene!

Marge Simpson:
Come on, Buddhists never quit.

Lisa Simpson:
Actually, Buddhism is just quitting in yoga pants.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
Then there was the time I guest-starred on "The Cosby Show".

Bill Cosby:
Kids, this is your Grandpa Murphy.

Bill Cosby's Daughter:
But we've got three grandpas already.

Bill Cosby:
This one's the famous jazz musician.

Bill Cosby's Daughter:
Ah, they all are.

Bill Cosby:
Oh,oh-oh! You see, the kids these days, they listen to the rap music, which gives them the brain damage. With the hippin' and the hoppin' and the bippin' and the boppin', they don't know what the jazz is all about. Y'see, jazz is like Jello pudding... no, that's not it. Jazz is like Kodak film... no, that's not right neither. I've got it, jazz is like the new Coke - it'll be around forever.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
Sigh.

Blind Man Willie Witherspoon:
I've been playing the saxophone for 30 years. I want you to have it.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
This isn't a saxophone. It's an umbrella.

Blind Man Willie Witherspoon:
So I've been playing the umbrella for 30 years? Why didn't anyone ever tell me?

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
'Cause we all thought it was funny.

Blind Man Willie Witherspoon:
That's not funny.

Homer:
If you want something to remember him by, I say get a tattoo. It'll be a constant reminder of the one you love.

[Homer pulls up sleeve to reveal tattoo saying "Starland Vocal Band"]

Homer:
[incredulous] Starland Vocal Band? THEY SUCK!

[Grampa appears outside and they watch as he points at a fountain]

Grampa:
DEATH!

[at a cemetery]

Homer:
I sure could go for a hot dog right about now...

Marge:
Homer, we're at a funeral.

Hot Dog Vendor:
Hot dogs. Get your hot dogs here.

Homer:
Woohoo!

Marge:
Do you follow my husband around?

Hot Dog Vendor:
Lady, he's putting my kids through college.

James Earl Jones:
This is CNN.

Mufasa:
You must avenge me young Kimba - I mean Simba.

Darth Vader:
Luke I am your father.

Homer:
Jazz? Who needs it? We can make up our own music. [to the tune of Mary Had A Little Lamb] Dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee dee...

Marge:
Homer, that's Mary Had A Little Lamb.

Homer:
Okay. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo...

Marge:
Homer, that's the same thing, only you replaced your dees with your doos.

Homer:
D'oh!

Lisa Simpson:
My brother just had his appendix removed.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
Oh? And how's he doing?

Bart Simpson:
[mooning them with a smiley face drawn on his butt and a stethoscope on his hips] Hey there. I'm Dr. Cheeks. I'm doing my rounds right now and uh, I'm a little behind.

Lisa Simpson:
[unimpressed] He'll be fine.

Homer:
[while watching a meteor shower] I wish God were alive to see this.

Lenny:
Hey, what happened? It's bright in the middle of the night.

Carl:
You know what this reminds me of. My Icelandic boyhood.

Lisa:
Dad, this lack of sleep is making mom and Maggie crazy!

Homer:
Don't you think you're overreacting, talking gumball machine?

Rod Flanders:
Are you jealous of Brother Homer?

Ned Flanders:
Maybe just a little bit.

Rod Flanders:
I'm jealous of girls 'cause they get to wear dresses.

Ned Flanders:
One problem at a time, boy.

Homer:
[rubs a Christmas tree and it catches on fire] Why does everything I love burn?

Homer:
I'll be the nicest man in the world!

Marge:
Homer, you've said that before.

Homer:
Yes, but this time I'm sober!

Nelson:
Haw haw, your position has been usurped.

Nelson:
Dad didn't leave... he went to the store, and when he comes back I'll wave those Pop Tarts right in your face!

Krusty the Clown:
And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.

Homer:
I'm just trying to buy that Stairway to Heaven Jesus sang about.

Ned Flanders:
That was Led Zeppelin.

Homer:
Go back to your bong, hippie!

Lou:
I went to the McDonald's over in Shelbyville the other day.

Chief Wiggum:
The Mc-what?

Lou:
Yeah, I never heard of it either but they say they have over 2,000 locations in this state alone.

Eddie:
Hmm... Must've sprung up over night.

Lou:
But you know, it's the little differences.

Chief Wiggum:
Example.

Lou:
Well, at a McDonald's you can get a Krusty Burger with cheese. But they don't call it a Krusty Burger with cheese.

Chief Wiggum:
Get out. What do they call it?

Lou:
A "Quarter Pounder" with cheese.

Chief Wiggum:
"Quarter Pounder" with cheese? Well, I can see the cheese but? do they have Krusty's "Partially Gelatinated, Non-Dairy, Gum-Based Beverages"?

Lou:
Yeah, they call them "shakes."

Eddie:
Huh. "Shakes." You don't know what you're gettin'.

[Superintendant Chalmers sees Principal Skinner's kitchen on fire]

Superintendant Chalmers:
Good Lord, what is happening in there?

Principal Skinner:
The Aurora Borealis?

Superintendant Chalmers:
The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?

Principal Skinner:
Yes.

Superintendant Chalmers:
May I see it?

Principal Skinner:
No.

Moe:
Say, Barn. Uh, remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab?

Barney:
Oh ho, oh yeah. We all had a good laugh, Moe.

Moe:
The results came back today.

Hospital Chairman:
Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant.

Dr. Nick:
But I cleaned them with my napkin.

Apu:
I'm gonna party like its on sale for $19.99

[Pulp Fiction Spoof:
Snake is driving Lil' Bandit when he sees Chief Wiggum walk in front of him]

Chief Wiggum:
[singing] Donuts, I got donuts, I got... [Notices Snake] Hey I know you!

[Snake purposely runs him over, crashes his car and then flees]

Chief Wiggum:
Hey wait up! We gotta swap insurance info!

[They chase each other into a pawn shop]

Herman:
[Holding them at gunpoint] Looks like the spider caught himself a couples of flies.

[a very tall man scrunched in a Volkswagen Beetle has just grabbed Nelson after being laughed at]

Tall Man:
Do you find something comical about my appearance when I am driving my automobile?

Nelson:
Yes.

Tall Man:
Everyone needs to drive a vehicle, even the very tall.

[points to his Beetle]

Tall Man:
This was the largest auto I could afford. Should I therefore be made the subject of fun, huh?

Nelson:
I guess so.

Tall Man:
[clears his throat] Would you like it if others laughed at YOUR misfortune, hmm? Maybe we should find out!

Tall Man:
[Tall man pulls down Nelson's pants and commands him to walk down the main street] Nowwww march!

Tall Man:
[honks his car horn while driving behind Nelson] Hey, everyone! Look at this; it's that boy who laughs at everyone! Let's laugh at him!

[the entire crowd yells HA-HA! at Nelson]

Waylon Smithers:
I'm allergic to bee stings, they cause me to... uh... die.

Principal Skinner:
Superintendent, I hope you're ready for mouth-watering hamburgers.

Superintendant Chalmers:
I thought we were having steamed clams.

Principal Skinner:
Oh, no, I said, "steamed hams." That's what I call hamburgers.

Superintendant Chalmers:
You call hamburgers steamed hams.

Principal Skinner:
Yes, it's a regional dialect.

Superintendant Chalmers:
Uh-huh. What region?

Principal Skinner:
Uh, upstate New York.

Superintendant Chalmers:
Really. Well, I'm from Utica and I never heard anyone use the phrase, "steamed hams."

Principal Skinner:
Oh, not in Utica, no; it's an Albany expression.

Superintendant Chalmers:
I see.

[Chalmers takes a bite of the "steamed ham"]

Superintendant Chalmers:
You know, these hamburgers are quite similar to the ones they have at Krusty Burger.

Principal Skinner:
Oh, no, patented Skinner Burgers. Old family recipe.

Superintendant Chalmers:
For steamed hams.

Principal Skinner:
Yes

Superintendant Chalmers:
Yes, and you call them steamed hams despite the fact that they are obviously grilled.

[shows Skinner the grill marks]

Principal Skinner:
Uh... you know... one thing I sh -... 'scuse me for one second.

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, someone threw gum in my hair!

Marge Simpson:
Are you sure? Maybe it's just shampoo. That washes right out.

Cletus, the slack jawed yokel:
[while hanging from a telephone poll] Hey, I can call my ma from up here. [shouts] Yo ma, get off the dang roof!

Comic Book Guy:
You may purchase this charming Hamburglar Adventure. A child has already solved the jumble using crayons. The answer is 'fries'.

[the Professor Fink theme song]

Professor Frink:
Professor Fink, Professor Fink/He'll make you laugh/He'll make you think/He likes to run and then the thing with the... person.

Snake:
[busts open a loaded cash register] Oh... Good-bye student loan payments.

Bart:
Milhouse, do ever think about the people in those car?

Bart:
Sometimes I wonder about all the people in this town. Do you think anything interesting ever happens to 'em? I mean, there must be thousands of great stories out there.

Bart:
What do you think, milhouse? Milhouse.

Bart:
Forget it. Come on. It's 11:00. I need some sugar.

Bart:
Well, milhouse, I guess interesting stuff does happen to people in springfield.

Bart:
There's just not enough time to hear 'em all.

[first lines]

Jack Bauer:
Previously on "24"... I mean, "The Simpsons."

Jack Bauer:
I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?

Bart Simpson:
[thinks of the perfect prank call] I'm, um, Ahmed Adoudi.

Jack Bauer:
Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does somebody know Ahmed Adoudi?

Chloe O'Brian:
Ahmed Adoudi: wealthy Saudi financier, disappeared into Afghanistan in the late '90s.

Jack Bauer:
Really?

Chloe O'Brian:
No, Jack! It's a joke name! You're being set up.

Jack Bauer:
Damn it! [he shoots with his gun and Bart laughs hard]

Homer Simpson:
Hey, Milhouse. Who're you spying on? Those bullies?

[Homer picks up the stink bomb and notices the amount of time before it blows]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, a Thermos! With seven cups of coffee still left in it. Oh, wait, six.

[Bart notices Ralph in the glass case and calls someone on his phone]

Bart Simpson:
I got a man down. Well, not a man. A very special boy.

[Homer gets out of Moe's tavern and walks to the dumpster he left Milhouse in]

Homer Simpson:
Okay, Milhouse, what do you wanna do?

Milhouse VanHouten:
Well, the school's having a bake sale.

Homer Simpson:
Old Betsy will get us there.

[Bart makes a Principal Skinner head out of poupon and ketchup]

Principal Skinner:
Simpson! I'll teach you to make a poupon me.

[students in the cafeteria laugh]

Marge Simpson:
If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage.

[last lines]

[Jack Bauer comes in by dropping in from an air vent]

Jack Bauer:
[in megaphone] Good work, Lisa!

Bart Simpson:
What about me?

Jack Bauer:
[points gun at Bart] Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago, you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in!

[a bunch of units move into the gym and they all point guns at Bart, but Bauer puts his away]

Jack Bauer:
I pulled ever single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision, but I think I made the right call.

[big explosion happens in the distance, and the crowd gasps]

Jack Bauer:
It's okay. That was Shelbyville.

[everyone sighs with relief]

Bart Simpson:
Lisa, are you on a secure line?

Lisa Simpson:
I am. You're on a blue tooth cell wire, the most vulnerable device known to man.

Bart Simpson:
But it looks so cool!

Jack Bauer:
The following takes place between 2:34 PM and 3:04 PM. Or maybe it's AM. Whichever one is the morning one; it's not that one.

Principal Skinner:
Enhance. [the image is enhanced, revealing "Seymore sucks" carved on a desk] Dehance! Dehance!

Bart Simpson:
Jimbo has a stink bomb in his house, but I need to intercept it fast. Send me some schematics.

Lisa Simpson:
Jimbo made a couble of drawings of his house in the second grade, but I can't vouch for their accuracy. The teacher gave them a frowny face.

Mr. Burns:
Simpson, take your putrid filth far away from here, you soulless land whale.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo! Business trip!

Milhouse VanHouten:
Lisa, if I don't make it, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.

Lisa Simpson:
I've read your letter.

Principal Skinner:
We've all read it.

Homer Simpson:
Cake, will you do the honor of making my stomach the happiest bag of acid in the world? You will?

Nelson Muntz:
Little Miss Play-It-Safe, eh? Have a nice day. Just like the day before that... [starts backing up slowly]... and the day before that... and the day before that... and the day before that...

Nelson Muntz:
[Through PA system]... and the day before that... and the day before that...

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Nelson, will you just tell everyone the lunch specials?

Nelson Muntz:
Sloppy joes! And the day before that... Tater tots! And the day before that...

Bart Simpson:
Time to get my mischief on. Let's start with a little federal crime.

Homer Simpson:
Is it really drinking and driving if you're flying a blimp? Maybe I can get the answer by texting.

Bart Simpson:
Maybe this key will be the key to putting the key in anarchy.

Marge Simpson:
Stop, Pooter Toot! Other people might be offended by your slightly off-color antics.

Bart Simpson:
I don't get it. I tried to do bad, but I ended up doing good.

Reverend Lovejoy:
Haw, haw!

Nelson Muntz:
Yeah, I've been held back more times than I can count, which is probably why I got held back so many times.

Bart Simpson:
[after Lisa and Homer fall of the Duff blimp] There's nothing I can do to save my sister, the blimp, or this airship.

Chief Wiggum:
[after pulling over Troy McClure] I'll tear this ticket up, but I'm, um, still going to have to ask you for a bribe.

Homer Simpson:
[Marge's eyes are seen in a darkened bedroom] Marge, could you close your eyes. I'm trying to sleep.

Lisa:
Dad, what's a Muppet?

Homer:
Well, it's not quite a mop, it's not quite a puppet, but man...

[laughs hysterically]

Homer:
So to answer your question, I don't know.

Waiter:
Cigarette, Mrs. McClure?

Troy McClure:
You bet! From now on, she's smoking for two!

[after being told by Marge that Troy only married her to help his career, Selma returns home to find Troy lounging by the pool]

Selma:
[firmly] Troy is this a sham marriage?

Troy:
[causally] Sure, baby, is that a problem-o?

Selma:
[to Marge] Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? [uncomfortable pause] Oh, come on! Guess which one.

Homer:
[excitedly] I know! I know! It's Selma, right?

Snake:
Don't worry Gloria, I'll win you back even if I have to beat this guy to death.

Gloria:
Snake, beating a man to a bloody pulp isn't going to impress me!

Snake:
It used to! What if I beat him harder?

Gloria:
Ugh! You sooo don't get it!

Homer Simpson:
[Picks up and looks at dirty, grey pair of underpants] These would stop Joan Collins herself!

Mr. Burns:
So, what shall we do tomorrow? Go grousing? Or, if you'd rather stay home you could sing, while I accompany you on the clavichord...

Gloria:
Actually, Monty, I...

Mr. Burns:
Or, I've got some wonderful stereopticon images of the Crimean War!

Gloria:
Look, I had a lot of fun today, but I don't think we're right for each other. The age difference is just too...

Mr. Burns:
Oh, balderdash. It's not important how old you are on parchment, it's how old you feel in the humours!

Gloria:
I'm sorry, Monty...

Snake:
I'm gonna win you back, even if it means I got to pistol whip this dude

[Homer]

Snake:
all night.

Homer:
[scared] Pistol whip?

[imagines himself eating whipped cream from a pistol]

Homer:
Hmm, pistol whip...

Chief Wiggum:
We'll track down Simpson with your vehicles anti-theft system.

Anti-theft System:
Car gone Car gone!

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, we know that. Where has it gone to?

Anti-theft System:
Car gone! Car gone! Car gone!

[on the phone]

Homer:
But Mr. Burns, I can't find you funny anymore.

Mr. Burns:
I'll either tickle your ribs or feed them to my dogs. Now we're ordering out, so what would you like on your pizza pie...? Extra cheese? Who do you take me for, Lorenzo de Medici?

Homer:
Yep, nobody's more wild and youthful than old man Burns.

Mr. Burns:
I don't understand it. I turned around and she was gone, along with my virile younger friend.

Kent Brockman:
Well, according to our poll 49% of the viewers think "he's too old", while 51% think "she's a skank".

Bart Simpson:
Who the hell are Cheech and Chong?

Homer Simpson:
Who's Cheech and Chong? They were the Beavis and Butthead of their day.

Bart Simpson:
Who's Beavis and Butthead?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I've failed as a parent! I swore the day you were born that you would appreciate stoner comedy.

Homer Simpson:
My time getting wasted was not wasted!

Cheech Marin:
How would you like to be the new Chong?

Homer Simpson:
Could I meet Dave?

Cheech Marin:
There is no Dave.

Homer Simpson:
Then could I meet Don Johnson?

Cheech Marin:
It would be easier for you to meet Dave.

Marge Simpson:
And remember, don't indulge in any sin except gluttony. Save lust and rage for me and the kids.

Homer Simpson:
Relax, sweetie. I'm gonna come back so horny and angry.

Tommy Chong:
I need you to reinvent the wheel. No, de-invent the wheel. No, re-unvent the whool.

Chief Wiggum:
Men, I want these brownies confiscated.

Lou:
There are no drugs on these brownies.

Chief Wiggum:
I said confiscate them! And while you're at it, confiscate me a T-shirt, XXXL

Lou:
I thought XXL was a wake-up call for you.

Chief Wiggum:
That was for pants.

Grampa Simpson:
Who has disturbed my tomb?

Lisa Simpson:
Grampa, you're not dead.

Grampa Simpson:
Then wake me up when I am.

Tommy Chong:
Ladies and gentlemen, man. Prepare to have your expectations murdered and buried under a sea of "huh" and waves of "what".

Marge Simpson:
I'm not a hoarder. Do the Yankees hoard pennants? Does Marrakesh hoard intrigue?

Homer Simpson:
I can't do reefer humor. I'm a drunk. Two different animals!

Superintendent Chalmers:
Skinner! This dessert menu is funnier than you!

Seymour Skinner:
Yes, but I'm funnier than the cocktail napkins.

Superintendent Chalmers:
They're blank, Seymour.

Seymour Skinner:
Yeah, but there are two K sounds in cocktail.

Superintendent Chalmers:
[Chuckle] Yes, there are.

Homer Simpson:
I can't believe I'm in Cheech and Chong's van, the van made out of weed!

Cheech Marin:
This van is not made of weed.

Homer Simpson:
Then what's it made of? Hash? 'Shrooms? Lysergic acid diethylamide?

Cheech Marin:
No, the van is just made out of... van.

Homer Simpson:
Ohhh!

Bart Simpson:
Now, now, spirits, do not depart / Tis me, mischevious and puckish Bart / T'was not I the players did perturb / But the doings of a green and naughty herb / The gods have righted every wrong / Cheech has reunited with his Chong / And Homer is now back with mom / You can watch us tomorrow at Hulu.com.

Homer Simpson:
When do we go on wacky adventures?

Cheech Marin:
That's just the movies, man.

Homer Simpson:
Can we at least get some French fries?

Cheech Marin:
Too high in trans-fats.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, stop speaking Spanish!

Kirk Van Houten:
Take my hand with your glove of love!

Dr. Hibbert:
We don't believe fur is murder, but paying for it sure is.

[responding to sign on Stoner's Pot Place]

Otto:
That is flagrant false advertising.

Marge:
I can't help but feel this is all my fault. It was those North Korean fortune cookies - they were so insulting. "You are a coward." Nobody wants to hear that after a nice meal.

Homer:
Marge, you can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, then move on.

Marge:
Homer, is this how you pictured married life?

Homer:
Yeah, pretty much, except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Marge:
The only thing I asked you to do for this party was put on clothes, and you didn't do it.

Homer:
You know what you guys need? A little comic called "Love Is". It's about two naked eight-year-olds who are married.

Kirk Van Houten:
So what do you say Louanne? Will you marry me? Again?

Luann Van Houten:
...Oh no.

Kirk Van Houten:
Ah. Well can I at least have my shirts back?

Pyro:
Okay, you heard the lady, outside!

Kirk Van Houten:
I'll be back! Probably.

Homer:
[Looks at Kirk's demo tape] "Can I borrow a feeling"? Ha! It's got your face on it!

Kirk Van Houten:
Go ahead and laugh at me, Homer.

Homer:
I already did.

Ned Flanders:
Sir... There's no reason Sarah needs to do this scene in the altogether.

Sara Sloane:
Sam, he's got a point. Katherine Hepburn never showed her breasts.

Director:
There's still time.

Ned Flanders:
I've got a date with a movie star!

Irish Cop:
[sarcastically] Sure you do! And I'm going apple picking with Scooby-Doo!

Lisa:
I like him. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's clearly not obsessed with his physical appearance...

Homer:
[walking by] My ears are burning.

Lisa:
Uh, I wasn't talking about you, Dad.

Homer:
No, my ears are really burning. I wanted to see inside so I lit a Q-Tip.

Marge:
Mmm...

Marge:
Well, it was a lovely festival. The best movie won, and Mr. Burns found there are some awards that can't be bought.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
["Six months later"] And the Oscar goes to...

Montgomery Burns:
Oh, I've got to win this one! I bribed everyone in Hollywood.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
...George C. Scott in "Man Getting Hit By Football".

[everyone applauds; Burns steams]

[a screen shows George C. Scott standing there and a football hitting him in the groin]

George C. Scott:
[doubling over] Aargh! My groin.

Barney:
[during his acceptance speech] I've learned that I have a gift to share with the world. From now on, I'll be a new Barnard Gumbel; clean, sober, and hardworking.

Mayor Quimby:
Congratulations, Barney, and enjoy your prize - a lifetime supply of Duff Beer.

[the curtains pull back to reveal a Duff Beer tanker truck]

Barney:
Just hook it to my veins!

[the truck driver prepares an I.V]

Barney:
Next they're gonna show my movie.

Bart:
You made a movie ?

Barney:
I made a movie? I wonder why there was a picture of me on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

[Barney holds up an Entertainment Weekly featuring him in a somber, dramatic pose]

Jay Sherman:
And you must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil.

Homer:
It was a Gummi Bear.

Mr. Burns:
Get me Steven Spielberg.

Smithers:
He's unavailable.

Mr. Burns:
Then get me his non-union Mexican equivalent.

Mr. Burns:
OK, Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for Oskar Schindler.

Sr. Spielbergo:
Schindler es muy bueno, Senor Burns es el diablo.

Mr. Burns:
Pish posh! Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!

Homer:
Barney's movie had heart, but Football In The Groin had a football in the groin.

Barney:
I'm Barney Gumble, and I'm an alcoholic.

Lisa:
Mr Gumble, this is a girl scout meeting.

Barney:
Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit that you have a problem?

[Bart finds Jay Sherman hanging from the roof by his underwear]

Bart:
[laughs] You bad-mouthed MacGyver, din't you?

Jay Sherman:
Hey, McBain. Your shoe's untied.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
[after many hours pass] Upon closer inspection, these appear to be loafers.

[a Lady compliments Barney's movie]

Barney:
You're very kind.

Woman:
Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?

Barney:
It didn't die.

Smithers:
Sir, the actors are here to audition for the part of you.

Montgomery Burns:
Excellent.

[a policeman wheels Hannibal Lecter in]

Hannibal Lecter:
Excellent.

[makes the infamous slurping sound]

Montgomery Burns:
Next.

William Shatner:
Exc-ell-ent.

Montgomery Burns:
Next.

Homer:
Exactly.

[chuckles]

Homer:
D'oh!

Montgomery Burns:
[irritated] Next!

Bumblebee Man:
?Excellente!

Sr. Spielbergo:
Es muy bueno.

Montgomery Burns:
Oh, it's hopeless. I'll have to play myself.

Jay Sherman:
Welcome to "Coming Attractions". I'm your host, Jay Sherman. Thank you. Tonight, we review an aging Charles Bronson in "Death Wish 9."

[Charles Bronson is in a hospital bed]

Charles Bronson:
I wish I was dead. Oy!

Jay Sherman:
But first, we have a special guest: Rainer Wolfcastle, star of the reprehensible McBain movies.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Jay, my new film is a mixture of action und comedy. It's called "McBain: Let's Get Silly."

[Cut to clip from movie showing McBain with a microphone in front of a brick wall]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain:
Did you ever notice how men always leave the toilet seat up?

[pause]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain:
That's the joke.

Man in audience:
You suck, McBain!

[McBain pulls a machine gun and fires into the audience]

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain:
Now, my Woody Allen impression: I'm a neurotic nerd who likes to sleep with little girls.

Man in audience:
Hey, that really sucked!

[McBain pulls the pin on a grenade and tosses it at him]

Rainer Wolfcastle:
[Cut back to Rainer and Jay] The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost $80 million.

Jay Sherman:
[contemptuous] How do you sleep at night?

Rainer Wolfcastle:
On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies.

Jay Sherman:
Just asking. Yeesh!

Mr. Burns:
[Mr. Burns' film is being booed by the audience] Smithers, are they booing me?

Smithers:
Uh, no, they're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns".

Mr. Burns:
[Stands and faces the audience] Are you saying "Boo" or "Boo-urns"?

[the audience boos and throws rubbish at him]

Hans Moleman:
I was saying "Boo-urns"!

Homer:
[after watching a Jewish parody of "Can't Touch This"] Marge are we Jewish?

Marge:
No.

Homer:
Woo hoo! Oh boy!

[Takes out a roast pig and starts to eat it]

Marge:
Did you know that there are over 600 film critics on TV, and Leonard Maltin is the best looking of them all?

Lisa:
Ew!

Moe:
[dancing on top of the bar] Money gets you one more round, drink it down, you stupid clown. Money gets you one more round, and you're out on your ass.

[falls off bar]

Moe:
OW, my back.

Grampa:
The metric system is the tool of the devil! My car gets forty rods to the hogshead and that's the way I likes it.

[filming a re-creation of the story of Moses, the Flanders are alarmed when the river current sweeps Tod away from them]

Tod Flanders:
Help meeeeeeeeeee...!

Ned Flanders:
[praying] Flanders to God, Flanders to God! Get off your cloud and save my Tod!

[a bolt of lightning hits a tree, knocking it into the river to stop Tod]

Ned Flanders:
Thanks, God!

God:
[from heaven] Okily-dokily!

Homer:
[after observing Barney's movie] Wow, I'll never drink another beer again.

Wiseguy:
Beer here.

Homer:
I'll take ten.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, are they booing me?

Smithers:
Oh, they're not booing you, Sir, they're shouting "Boo-urns! Boo-urns!"

Mr. Burns:
[to Audience] Are you shouting "Boo!" or "Boo-urns!"?

Audience:
Boo!

Hans Moleman:
I was shouting "Boo-urns"...

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon:
[while Snake is pointing a rifle at him] Help! Help! Police!

Chief Wiggum:
[his tie is caught in the hot dog roller] Hey, I got problems of my own right now! Oh boy, this is going to get worse before it gets better.

Cameron/Johnny Sunshine:
[singing the song Homer wrote for him] I'm a priveleged boy / It's great I gotta tell ya / I'm a priveleged boy / My dad can buy and sell ya / It doesn't matter that you're in the line in front of me / I'll always get the table first because I tip the Maitre d' / And then I'll go to Yale, because I am a legacy / I'm better than you!

Homer Simpson:
He's not Cameron anymore. He's Johnny Rainbow.

Cameron/Johnny Sunshine:
Uh, Mr. Simpson, about that...

Homer Simpson:
I'm not Mr. Simpson anymore, I'm Colonel Cool, and I'm the captain on this rocketship to the moon.

Bart Simpson:
So are you a colonel, or a captain?

Homer Simpson:
Neiter, I'm both.

[the Simpsons are eating a vegetarian meal]

Homer Simpson:
I don't miss meat at all! This portobello mushroom eats like a steak - a rubbery, fungus-like steak.

[Lisa is worried about her competition in the singing contest]

Homer Simpson:
Don't worry, honey. The song I wrote for you is so schmaltzy, it'll make "Moon River" sound like a farting orangutan.

Milhouse:
[singing] When a man loves a woman...

Lenny:
Which one are you? The man or the woman?

Carl:
Nice one, dude.

Ms. Sinclair:
Mrs. Simpson... do you know what a child is saying when it's reaching for the bottle?

Marge:
...Baba?

Ms. Sinclair:
She's saying "I am a leech!"

Homer Simpson:
I can't fake an interest in this, and I'm an expert at faking an interest in your kooky projects.

Marge Simpson:
What kooky projects?

Homer Simpson:
You know, the painting class, the first aid course, the whole Lamaze thing.

Llewellyn Sinclair:
Hello! I am Llewellyn Sinclair. I have directed three plays in my career, and I have had three heart attacks. That's how much I care, I'm planning for a fourth.

[Marge is rehearsing the musical of A Streetcar Named Desire]

Homer:
Marge, your ride is here!

Marge:
Homer, it'll just be a few minutes more!

Ned Flanders:
You're a dame and I'm a fella!

Marge:
Stanley stop, or I'll tell Stella!

Llewellyn Sinclair:
Marge, Marge! I am asking you for white hot rage, and you're giving me a hissy fit!

Homer:
Marge, can I have some change for the candy machine?

Llewellyn Sinclair:
[throwing a load of change on the floor] Oh, HERE!

Homer:
Hey, there's some quarters in here!

[after Llewellyn introduces himself]

Marge:
Hmm, maybe I should have taken a nice calligraphy class.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, forget it, that Mr. Takahashi's a lunatic!

Llewellyn Sinclair:
I am not an easy director to work for. While directing "Hats Off to Hanukkah," I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders?

Bart:
Are there any Jive-Talking Robots in this play?

Marge:
I don't think so.

Homer:
Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge:
No, Homer.

Marge:
I haven't been in a play since high school, and I thought it would be a good chance to meet some other adults.

Homer Simpson:
Sounds interesting.

Marge:
You know, I spend all day alone with Maggie, and sometimes it's like I don't even exist.

Homer Simpson:
Sounds interesting.

Homer Simpson:
[after breaking the ring of his pudding can] Oh no! My pudding is trapped forever.

Helen:
My name is Helen Lovejoy and I'll be playing Stella.

Apu:
I am Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. I play Steve.

Otto:
My name is Otto. I'm playing Pablo.

Lionel Hutz:
Lionel Hutz, Attorney at Law. I'm filing a class-action suit against the director on behalf of everyone who was cut from the play. I also play Mitch.

Marge:
I'm Marge Simpson, I'll be playing Blanche. I made some peanut butter brownies for everyone.

[Sinclair takes one and eats it]

Sinclair:
Well, would anyone else like a bite of banality?

Chief Wiggum:
I would.

Llewellyn Sinclair:
[to the cast] Perhaps we are all a little mad, we who don the cap a bells and tread beneath the proscenium arch. But tonight, you will all be transformed from dead-eyed suburbanites into white-hot grease fires of pure entertainment! [to Otto] Except you. You're not working out, I'll be playing your part.

Otto:
Drag.

Homer:
Badger my ass, it's probably Milhouse.

Krusty:
I opened for The Who at Woodstock. I came out with a Beatle wig and a ukulele. Hendrix said he almost plotzed. His exact words.

Sideshow Mel:
[sarcastically] I never tire of THAT story.

[the residents of Old Springfield discover gold in the river after Homer turns off the dam]

Kent Brockman:
Thanks, Mayor Simpson! From now on, we'll all be taking golden showers.

[muffled laughter is heard in the background]

Kent Brockman:
What?

Kent Brockman:
[talking about the people of "New Springfield" when a new area code divides the town] They also tend to use low-brow expressions like "Oh, yeah!" and "Comere a minute."

Homer Simpson:
[watching the TV with Bart] Oh, yeah, they think we're low class. Hey, Bart, comere a minute.

Bart:
You comere a minute.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, yeah...

Moe:
Enough chit-chat, let's see how you like flaming garbage!

Moe:
Homer's right! We're gettin' the Joan Collins special!

Kent Brockman:
The Who will be playing tonight at Springfield's historic Yahoo Search Engine Arena.

Homer:
Badger my ass, its probably just Milhouse.

[armed with a bottle of chloroform, Homer approaches a security guard]

Homer:
I'll give you this bottle of chloroform if you take us to The Who!

Lenny:
There's nothing like revenge for getting back at people.

Carl:
I don't know, vengeance is pretty good.

Mr. Burns:
[answering the phone] Ahoy hoy?

[Homer tries to call Animal Control]

Phone Lady:
[special information tone] Your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please make sure you have the correct area code.

Homer Simpson:
Area code? But it's a local call.

Marge Simpson:
The phone company ran out of numbers, so they split the city into two area codes. Half the town keeps the old 636 area code, and our half gets 939.

Homer Simpson:
939? What the hell is that? Oh, my life is ruined!

Marge Simpson:
Geez. You just have to remember three extra numbers.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, if only it where that easy Marge.

Lisa Simpson:
So, how's the studying going?

Bart Simpson:
When I start I'll tell you.

Lisa Simpson:
This is the most selfish thing you've ever done. [From Bart's perspective] You're letting your friends go hang because you are lazy and selfish and, [Bart began to close his eyes] hey, are you falling asleep just to spite me?

Lisa Simpson:
[Bart opens his eyes] Spinach farm, huh? That's right, you talk in your sleep.

Bart Simpson:
Lisa, I want to pass that test. But I need your help.

[From Lisa's perspective]

Bart Simpson:
I have all sorts of problems: Lack of attention, I'm afraid of ovals, I only

[Lisa starts closing her eyes at Bart like he did before ignoring her, doing it back at him]

Bart Simpson:
know 24 letters. Don't you fall asleep on me.

[Lisa's eyes are finally closed]

Bart Simpson:
It's hopeless! I can't make up for years of goofing up in one day. I need two days!

Lisa Simpson:
Look, Bart. It's not important to know what's on the test so much as how to take the test. If you don't know the answer to one question, leave it for later. And if you still don't know the answer, just guess B and move on. Now, what's the capital of Massachussets?

Bart Simpson:
Uh, B?

Lisa Simpson:
Very good.

Homer Simpson:
Goodbye, my electrical friends. Since I can't afford you anymore, I'm doing what any decent American would do: throw you away.

Homer Simpson:
It's the easiest money I've ever made, lugging around a 90-pound parking meter.

Department of Standardized Testing Proctor:
I don't chop off people's heads. People chop off their own heads, I just tip them into the basket.

Bart Simpson:
[Blocking the path of a bug] Driving you crazy instead of pulling your legs off. I've really matured.

Superintendent Chalmers:
I hate waiting. That's why I don't order risotto.

Principal Skinner:
Not even mushroom risotto?

Superintendent Chalmers:
What do you think?

Bart Simpson:
I didn't study.

Principal Skinner:
What?

Bart Simpson:
I fell asleep on the books, so I might have gotten something through osmosis.

Principal Skinner:
So you know what osmosis is?

Bart Simpson:
Uh... pajamas?

Bart Simpson:
Well, looks like Mr. Vanilla just grew a pair of chocolate chips.

Principal Skinner:
Save your analogies for the analogy part of the test.

Mr. Largo:
We had to sell all our trombone mutes.

Nelson Muntz:
[with trombone mute] Wah-wah!

Mr. Largo:
Oh, why did I sell one to Nelson?

Nelson Muntz:
Wah-wah!

Mr. Largo:
Anyway, he's far better than anyone in the band.

Mrs. Krabappel:
I don't have to worry about leaving you alone because I have a spy.

Milhouse:
You promised you wouldn't tell! [Everyone turns to Milhouse] Which you didn't do. I guess we'll never know who the Milhouse is.

Homer Simpson:
Ocean sex rules! Screw land sex!

Homer Simpson:
Thanks to you, we're having fun. Before-we-had-kids fun!

Bart Simpson:
There is no virus. I made the whole thing up.

Lifeguard Dave:
But the general's warning!

Bart Simpson:
That was Treat Williams in a movie.

Treat Williams:
I thought that general looked familiar. [Other passengers surround him] What? I'm in a lot of movies.

Homer Simpson:
Choke on my numb, blue hands!

Lisa Simpson:
Sure, life is full of pain and misery, but the trick is to enjoy the few good things in the moment.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, stupid. Stop thinking about having fun and have it.

Homer Simpson:
I'm in an abusive relationship with life. It keeps beating the hell out of me, and I'm too much of a coward to leave.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, don't you think you're putting all your eggs on one basket?

Homer Simpson:
What do you want me to do, put each egg on one basket?

Marge Simpson:
Hmm, I guess you're right. I better scratch that off my list of things to say.

Homer Simpson:
This is your miracle, a tree? Ooh, look at me. I can turn sunlight into complex sugars. Big whoop!

Ned Flanders:
Homer, stop eating the miracle!

Homer Simpson:
Fine, I'll just go eat the body of God. That's not crazy.

Kent Brockman:
This is Kent Brockman vowing to debunk this so-called miracle. The idiotic things people believe in. Up next, stay tuned for your winning lottery numbers! It's your turn for sure!

Kent Brockman:
A hundred-dollar bill for whoever gives me the truth about the so-called miracle tree.

Moe Szyslak:
I'll take that. The tree is a fraud!

[Sees bill]

Moe Szyslak:
I just got a hundred bucks! The tree is real!

Homer Simpson:
I never win anything. It'll probably be some jerk no one ever heard of.

Principal Skinner:
And the winner is...

Homer Simpson:
Here it comes.

Principal Skinner:
...Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson:
Get him! I mean... Woo-hoo!

Dr. Hibbert:
Homer, you'll make a full recovery. But I'm afraid your MyPad is gone.

Homer Simpson:
But it only had eighty percent of its charge left.

Dr. Hibbert:
This is the part of my job I hate most: talking to crazy people.

Homer Simpson:
Folks, hope isn't just inside the house of God, it's outside the house of me!

[Homer is in the voting booth, looking at his choices:
Barack Obama or Mitt Romney]

Homer:
Barack Obama... I don't know. I already have one wife telling me to eat healthy and he promised me death panels and Grampa's still alive. Mitt Romney? I hear he wears magic underpants. I expect the leader of the free world to go commando. Plus, his horse totally choked at the Olympics. On the other hand, he *did* invent Obamacare.

[votes for Romney]

Voting Machine:
Thank you for voting Mitt Romney. You may now see his tax return.

[tax return is displayed on screen]

Homer:
What's this? Medical deduction for a personality implant? He has six wives all named Ann. The government paid *him* taxes for five years! I've got to tell the press!

[a man-sized tube extends from the voting booth and begins to suck Homer in]

Voting Machine:
You are now being outsourced.

Marge Simpson:
The reason I don't want this car is because... I want to have another baby.

Homer Simpson:
An on-purpose baby?

Bart Simpson:
[after the car falls in the sinkhole] Oh, no! Lisa's face! It's exactly the same! Ha-ha-ha!

Mayor Quimby:
For the first time in my administration, a problem has been solved. The sink hole has been filled by the thing it fears most: stuff.

Moe:
When you've been around as long as I had, you get used to everything. Runaway monorails, giant sinkholes, Jeff Gordon...

Jeff Gordon:
Hey, Moe.

Moe:
Hey. I bet we never see him again.

Lisa Simpson:
What are you doing in my room?

Bart Simpson:
Just came to check on your shades. Wouldn't want your carpet to fade. [Leaves, then comes back to look at Lisa suspiciously; leaves again, then returns] What are you doing Tuesdays and Thrusdays after school?

Lisa Simpson:
What are *you* doing Tuesdays and Thrusdays after school?

Bart Simpson:
Mostly writing on the chalkboard. I'm open to suggestions. Seriously, I'm starting to run out of ideas. Now what are you up to?

Lisa Simpson:
A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks.

Bart Simpson:
That's good. Can I use it for the chalkboard?

Lisa Simpson:
Sure.

Bart Simpson:
[Speaking into recorder] A lady never tells, a gentleman never asks. Now I need something for Martin Luther King Day.

Homer Simpson:
[to Bart] Son, stamp collecting is like life -- it stopped being fun a long time ago.

Sideshow Mel:
Lisa, applause is an addition, like heroin -- or checking your e-mail.

Sideshow Mel:
Lisa didn't know it then, but she had just dipped her toe into the business of show. And it is a business, as you shall see in about three seconds, two, one... [commercial break]

Mr. Burns:
I have won every coin, yet I feel strangely empty inside. Oh, there's another coin. That should do it.

Drew Carey:
The thing about Krusty is that he's always on. To know exactly what he's on, you have to test his pee.

Homer Simpson:
Ha-ha-ha! Pee!

Drew Carey:
Seriously, test his pee. He's a danger to the community.

Krusty the Clown:
A famous entertainer once said that ninety percent of success is showing up on time. Sorry I'm four hours late.

Krusty the Clown:
I have pastrami on my teeth, and that's everyone's problem.

Krusty the Clown:
The new Krustketeer is... what was your kid's name again?

Nelson's Mother:
Nelson Muntz!

Krusty the Clown:
Wilbur Mudd!

Nelson Muntz:
That's me! Here's Mudd in your eye! [Hits kid in eye]

Homer:
I'm back...

Marge:
Did you rent "Waiting to Exhale"?

Homer:
[sadly] No... they put me on the waiting list, but told me "don't hold your breath".

Snake:
I'm back, so continue wetting your pants!

Homer:
[whimpers] Okay!

Homer Simpson:
Would you excuse us, Milton?

Milhouse Van Houten:
It's Mil-HOUSE!

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, and your father's no-house!

Homer Simpson:
Why do you think your mother and I sleep in the same bed?

Bart Simpson:
Because we're poor?

Homer Simpson:
Exactly. And we're poor because we have kids.

Ned Flanders:
Hi-diddly-ho, petal-to-the-metal-ophiles.

Homer Simpson:
Flanders? Since when do you like anything cool?

Ned Flanders:
Oh, I don't care for the speed, but I can't get enough of that safety gear - helmets, roll bars, caution flags...

Maude Flanders:
I like the fresh air, and looking at the poor people in the infield.

Brandine:
Dang, Cletus, why'd you have to park by my parents?

Cletus:
Now, honey, they's my parents, too.

Dr. Hibbert:
Hmm, a Ford urinating on a Chevrolet.

Bernice Hibbert:
Don't you usually laugh at everything?

Dr. Hibbert:
Yes. Yes, I do.

Maude Flanders:
Neddy, I've had about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll get some hot dogs.

Ned Flanders:
No foot-longs!

Maude Flanders:
I know, they make you uncomfortable.

Reverend Lovejoy:
In many ways, Maude Flanders was a supporting player in our lives. She didn't grab our attention with memorable catchphrases, or comical accents.

Willie:
Aye.

Captain McAllister:
Yar.

Frink:
Oh, glaven, why, glaven?

Reverend Lovejoy:
But, whether you noticed her or not, Maude was always there... and we thought she always would be.

Reverend Lovejoy:
My friends, life is about change. Just yesterday, Apu was a lonely bachelor.

Apu:
Yes, thank God those days are over.

Reverend Lovejoy:
And the Van Houtens were enjoying a storybook marriage.

Kirk Van Houten:
Yeah, lots of storybooks have witches.

Pyro:
Shut up, Kirk!

Kirk Van Houten:
Sorry.

Maude Flanders:
Neddy, I've had just about all I can take of Homer Simpson's torso. I'll go get some hot dogs.

Ned Flanders:
No foot-longs.

Maude Flanders:
I know, they make you uncomfortable.

[Comic Book visits a dating service and grabs all the one-nighter presentation videotapes]

Clerk:
Are you going to call all those women?

Comic Book Guy:
No, the tapes will do just fine.

[Homer is taping a shirtless Flanders doing yardwork]

Bart Simpson:
Why are you taping Flanders, Dad?

Homer Simpson:
[slyly] You'll see.

Bart Simpson:
Do you even *have* a job anymore?

Homer Simpson:
I think it's pretty obvious that I *don't*.

Bart Simpson:
[apologizing to Lisa] It was an accident! I didn't mean to kill our ants.

Homer Simpson:
[passing by] Patty and Selma are dead? Whoo hoo! Double funeral! [Dances and sings]

Bart Simpson:
Dad, before you jump to any conclusions...

Homer Simpson:
Oh, please tell me they suffered. [Patty and Selma appear] G-G-G-hags!

Chief Wiggum:
Well, Mr. Burns, care to explain how this miracle of measure and harmony came into your possession?

Mr. Burns:
Well, I... You see... Is it a crime to enjoy nice things, and then steal them from a public museum, where any gum-chewing monkey in a Tufts University jacket can come and gawk at them? I think not!

Mr. Burns:
[voiceover, as Smithers leaves the prison] This would have been the perfect time for it to start raining. Oh, what the hell? I'm telling the story.

[It starts raining]

Mr. Burns:
Hmm, not dramatic enough.

[the rain turns to snow]

Mr. Burns:
Frostbite took his nose.

[Smither's nose falls off]

Mr. Burns:
Excellent.

Bart Simpson:
Mom, where are you going?

Marge Simpson:
Shopping. Whenever the town riots, the malls are empty. You stay here while I'm gone.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, I hate being stuck inside.

Marge Simpson:
You can play with your sister.

Bart Simpson:
Mom, you don't play with Lisa, you play despite her.

Prison Guard:
Time for your cavity search.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, I haven't had a cavity in over forty years.

Prison Guard:
I wasn't talking about your teeth.

Mr. Burns:
Nor was I.

Bart Simpson:
Shall we let her live the rest of her life out in the wild, or in captivity like Grandpa?

Grampa Simpson:
Hey, in my mind, I'm free!

Dream Grampa:
[Inside a cage in Grandpa's mind] No you're not, ya idjit.

Grampa Simpson:
Oh.

Mr. Burns:
The plant's first annual Fourth of July company picnic is this upcoming weekend.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo!

Mr. Burns:
No, you misunderstand. The picnic is for me. You will all be spending our Day of Independence slaving away at my mansion under the hot summer sun, without pay, water, or gratitude.

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Mr. Burns:
Yes, duh-oh indeed.

Mr. Burns:
Break a leg, everyone.

[to passing employee, handing him a hammer]

Mr. Burns:
I said break a leg.

[Employee breaks own leg with hammer]

Mr. Burns:
My God, man! That was a figure of speech. You're fired!

Lenny Leonard:
Things have changed in the outside while you were gone. Wealthy people can beat the system now.

Carl Carlson:
They don't have parking meters anymore. Now there's a little thing you swipe your credit card into.

Homer Simpson:
The war is over and the future won. Past never even had a chance, man.

Burns' Cellmate:
Son, have you ever heard the story of Jesus Christ?

Fat Tony:
Well, I am Italian, but no.

Carl Carlson:
Here's you spare ribs, Mr. Burns. Just like you ordered it.

Mr. Burns:
Spare ribs, eh? I've played a round of tenpins in my day, and to me, spare reeks of second best. Get me ten frames of strike ribs at once! And you, call my doctor and ask him why I would ask for something so absurd as strike ribs.

Lenny Leonard:
Yes, sir.

Carl Carlson:
Say, Lenny. Care for some Chateau La Mondotte St. Emilion?

Lenny Leonard:
That's a regular size bottle. I'm drinking Jeroboams.

Homer Simpson:
I'm drinking Melchizedeks!

Lenny Leonard:
Homer, that's a $60,000 bottle.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo! I'm drinking my salary!

Carl Carlson:
Wait a minute. Doesn't some of that go to taxes?

Homer Simpson:
Hey, you're right. [Pours wine on floor] Stupid government, taking my hard earned stolen wine and making me spill it on the floor.

Lenny Leonard:
I hear that!

Mr. Burns:
Surprised? Me, C. Montgomery Burns locked up like an animal? How do I came to this puzzling turn of events? I'll explain it, by thinking about it to myself.

Burns' First Cellmate:
Hiya, pal! I guess we're just two white-collar criminals.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, thank God. I thought you might be a hardened tattooed criminal.

Burns' First Cellmate:
Nah, they don't turn out too many of those at Dartmouth.

Mr. Burns:
Dartmouth? Guard, get me away from this brute! Get me out this instant!

Burns' First Cellmate:
Got my Masters at Virginia, the public Ivy.

Mr. Burns:
Guard!

Moe Szyslak:
Throwing stuff! Turn your protest into a riot!

Milhouse Van Houten:
How much for a tomato?

Moe Szyslak:
Fresh is one dollar, rotten is two bucks.

Kirk Van Houten:
Son, do you really need the rotten one? [Milhouse looks at him eagerly] Oh, all right. But don't tell your mother.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers! Sound the alarm! Summon the shire-reeve! Wake the beadle!

Homer:
So many memories... Ah, look, "Night Boat"

Bart:
Aw...

Bart:
Look, you can see our mirror to it.

Homer:
It looks like we have two.

Homer:
Thanks for giving me my job back, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns:
I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague.

Waylon Smithers:
Uh, sir, that's the "plaque."

Mr. Burns:
Ah, yes, the special de-motivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. For you see, you're here... forever.

[Smithers screws the plaque to the wall]

Mr. Burns:
[reading] "Don't Forget - You're Here Forever."

Carl:
Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.

[On the day Homer quits the power plant, he insults Mr. Burns and plays his bald head like a bongo drum]

Mr. Burns:
I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

Hans Gruber:
Attention, American workers. Your plant has been taken over by an all-star team of freelance terrorists.

Homer:
Not on MY shift.

Marge Simpson:
You promised one hour of family time per week. Besides, that back-talking boat sets a bad example.

Bart:
Says you, woman.

Homer:
Hey, what's this? It looks like you're "showering" Marge with gifts. With tiny, little, baby-sized gifts... oh, well, I'll be in the tub.

Maude Flanders:
Oh, by the way, congratulations on your new job, Homer.

Homer:
New job... MARGE IS PREGNANT?

[pulls out the few remaining hairs on his head]

Homer:
NOOOOOOO!

[He runs upstairs, shrieking hysterically]

Bart:
Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl?

Homer:
Oh, just that one time.

Marge Simpson:
Actually, when I was about to have Bart...

[cut to Marge telling Homer]

Homer:
You're pregnant?

[shrieks, points at Marge's stomach, rips out most of his hair, and runs up to the bedroom, still shreiking]

Marge Simpson:
And then, when I told him about Lisa...

[cut to Marge telling Homer with Bart watching]

Homer:
You're pregnant again?

[repeats the act, except ripping all of his hair out before running upstairs]

Homer:
Oh, you're pregnant! That means we're gonna have to have a baby. All our financial plans are ruined! We're doomed! Doomed, I tells ya!

[He lets out a scream as his head swells like a balloon and then pops. Cut to the present]

Marge Simpson:
Bart, let your father tell the story!

Homer:
Yeah!

Bart:
Okay, but I know funny.

[Homer is trying to think of a way to increase business at the bowling alley]

Homer:
Of course!

[Cut to outside the bowling alley, Homer is firing a shotgun into the air while people around him run away, screaming]

Homer:
Bowling! Bowling here! Get your bowling! Who's ready? Bowling!

Lisa Simpson:
[in the present] Mom, make Dad tell the story right!

Marge Simpson:
That's what really happened.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh.

[while Marge is in labor, Homer can only be depressed about the financial costs and having to take back his job at the nuclear plant]

Homer:
[feigning happiness] It's wonderful, it's magical, oh boy, here it comes, another mouth.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
One more push ought to do it.

Homer:
Marvelous.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson. You have a beautiful, healthy, baby.

Homer:
Okay.

[He half-heartedly raises a thumbs-up - and Maggie wraps her tiny hand around his thumb]

Homer:
Huh?

[He looks at her]

Marge Simpson:
Homie, she's saying hello.

Homer:
[gazing adoringly at Maggie] Hello!

[as Maggie is born]

Homer:
Aw, it's a boy... and what a boy!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Uh, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

[Homer returns to the flashback after interrupting Bart's humorous re-telling; a headless Homer is moaning at Marge]

Homer:
Oh, we're doomed!

Marge Simpson:
[voice-over] Homer, you had a head.

Homer:
[voice-over] Check.

[in the flashback, Homer's head pops back]

[when Homer asks for his job back, he is pointed to a doggie-sized door marked "Supplicants." He emerges in Burns' office on all fours, dusty and coughing]

Mr. Burns:
So... come crawling back, eh?

Homer:
Seems like the classy thing to do would be not to call attention to it.

Homer:
[praying] Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever.

[brief pause]

Homer:
Thy bidding will be done.

[munch munch munch]

[Homer has laid eyes on Maggie for the first time]

Homer:
Aww, it's a boy.

[looking down]

Homer:
And *what* a boy!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Ah, no. That's the umbilical cord. It's a girl.

Michael:
Faster, Knight Boat! We've gotta catch those starfish poachers!

Knight Boat:
You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you.

[the poachers leap off their jetskis and onto motorcycles]

Michael:
We'll never catch them now!

Knight Boat:
Incorrect. Look: a canal.

Homer:
Go, Knight Boat, go!

Bart:
[groans] Oh, every week there's a canal.

Lisa Simpson:
Or an inlet.

Bart:
Or a fjord.

Homer:
Quiet! I will not hear another word against the Boat.

[Marge and the kids say "eww" as Homer mimes sperm impregnating an egg]

Marge Simpson:
Do you have to be so graphic?

Homer:
Relax, Marge. They pave the way for this kind of filth in school.

Homer Simpson:
That's it, boy! I'm eating your yogurt!

Marge Simpson:
You ate his yogurt in the car.

Homer Simpson:
He didn't know that.

Homer Simpson:
Stupid boy. All you do is cost me money. Money I could be wasting.

Bart Simpson:
That's Angry Dad, the semi-autobiographical web cartoon I created.

Homer Simpson:
I legally forced him to say "semi".

Homer Simpson:
My little Roman Polanski.

Marge Simpson:
Homer!

Homer Simpson:
What? What's wrong with being Roman Polanski?

[Marge whispers in his ear]

Homer Simpson:
He what? You monster!

[strangles Bart]

Lisa Simpson:
Your film's not all bad. If you cut out the parts that don't work, it could make a great short film.

Bart Simpson:
A short film?

Lisa Simpson:
Many directors, like Wes Anderson, Frank Tashlin and Tim Burton, started out with short films.

Bart Simpson:
Name one more.

Lisa Simpson:
Taylor Hackford.

Bart Simpson:
I don't know who that is, but I'm convinced!

Bart Simpson:
This is insane! He didn't show up for work, he bad-mouthed the movie on Jimmy Fallon, and now he's hogging all the credit.

Marge Simpson:
Don't worry, sweetie. It's the begining of a ridiculously long series of awards shows. You'll have your chance to say crazy things.

Halle Berry:
And the winner is... not going to be announced until we see a lengthy clip from each short.

Lisa Simpson:
Good luck, Mr. Park. There's no shame in losing to you.

Nick Park:
Good luck to you too, Lisa. You're too kind.

[They shake hands; Nick's fingers come off in Lisa's hand]

Lisa Simpson:
Eew!

Nick Park:
No worries. I just stick them back on. I'm more clay than man now.

Homer Simpson:
Don't worry, son. Everyone makes mistakes. Yours is just public and expensive.

Russell Brand:
It's nice to see all my friends from before I went to rehab. I'm just kidding, of course. None of you are my friends.

Bart Simpson:
Angry Dad is nominated for an Oscar for Best Animated Short? I'm going to the Oscars! Not as a seat filler! I'm getting a gift basket! And I won't declare it!

Homer Simpson:
Bart! It's the middle of Awards season. Who the hell is calling you at three in the morning?

Bart Simpson:
Uh, no one. Wrong number.

Homer Simpson:
If I find out it's the right number, you're in big trouble.

Homer Simpson:
Huh? What's wrong? House ran away? Dog on fire?

Marge:
[after watching Lisa's documentary of the family] One Simpsons movie was enough!

Lisa Simpson:
I'm making a movie about a very special family.

Bart Simpson:
Smithers and Burns?

Bart Simpson:
So Dean Martin would show up at the last minute and do everything in just one take?

Homer Simpson:
That's right.

Bart Simpson:
But Wikipedia said he was passionate about rehearsal!

Homer Simpson:
Don't you worry about Wikipedia; we'll change it when we get home. [aside, squinty eye] We'll change a lot of things.

Lisa Simpson:
I'll just give the signal. [Calls in a loud stage-whisper:] "Milk is murder!"

Voice from Bushes:
"Cheese is genocide!"

Lisa Simpson:
[after Lou the Calf has won a 4-H blue ribbon] Bart, you *do* know what comes next...?

Bart Simpson:
Something comes next?

Bart Simpson:
How you doing, Mr. Assange?

Julian Assange:
That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?

Marge Simpson:
Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?

Julian Assange:
Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.

Homer Simpson:
Well I have a really big secret for you. [whispers] I'm not wearing any underwear.

Julian Assange:
You know, you should really get out less.

Marge Simpson:
It says here we have to stay inside the shelter for three hours.

Homer Simpson:
So if you have to fart, do it now.

Marge Simpson:
Homer! What if those were your last words on Earth?

Homer Simpson:
Honey, you know my last words will be "I can outrun that lion."

Lisa Simpson:
Why do we have to sit here? If we leave now, we could see what the town looks deserted.

Bart Simpson:
I could write whatever I want on the school chalkboard.

Lisa Simpson:
I could watch a planetarium show without the second-hand marijuana.

Homer Simpson:
And I could drive drunk while sober.

[Cut to Homer driving erratically]

Homer Simpson:
It's fun, but not as fun.

Homer Simpson:
You always assume that a big picture of us in a secret meeting we weren't invited to is a bad thing.

Sideshow Bob:
I believe you know my position.

Moe Szyslak:
The monsters are here!

Marge Simpson:
Moe, it's us. We've been your friends for years.

Moe Szyslak:
The queen monster is coming on to me!

Homer Simpson:
I always thought tar and feathered was just an expression. How are you going to pave your roads and stuff your pillows now?

Homer Simpson:
If you cast us out, you will be cursed with a thousand year drought! [Suddenly the sky becomes cloudy and start to rain] I mean a thousand year flood. [the clouds parts and it stops raining; a rainbow appears on the distance and a flower grows at Homer's feet] D'oh! I mean a thousand years of perfect weather.

Homer Simpson:
There's only one way out. I have to man up. Okay, manning up... Manning up... Manning...

[high-pitched whine]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, girling down! Girling down!

Bart Simpson:
You sure this is a good idea?

Homer Simpson:
This is the Outlands, boy. Ideas aren't good or bad, they're just free.

Ned Flanders:
Make way for Captain Calmhead! Now I like a good witch hunt as much as the next guy, but we shouldn't be so quick to judge our long-time neighbors.

Mayor Quimby:
Ned Flanders, we anticipated you being the voice of compassion, so we came prepared with a response. [Deploys a battering ram that bumps Ned out the door] Anyone else has a complaint?

Ned Flanders:
[Smashed against a car] I retract my... diddly.

Mayor Quimby:
Marge, you're a kind, compassionate woman who makes us see your family in a new light.

Marge Simpson:
Thank you.

Mayor Quimby:
Which is why you're the worst Simpson of all!

Homer Simpson:
The old homestead. Remember when we first moved in? [talks from side of mouth] And I talked like this?

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, everyone knows dragons do not attack cars. Geez, pick up a book.

Lisa Simpson:
[annoyed] I pick up books like you pick up beers!

Homer Simpson:
Then you have a serious reading problem.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house.

[Homer is in a burlesque house. He sees a photograph of President Dwight D. Eisenhower sitting down with two dancers on either side]

Homer Simpson:
[reading the caption] "President Eisenhower celebrates 40th wedding anniversary. Not pictured: Mrs. Eisenhower."

Belle:
Are you wearing a grocery bag?

Homer:
I have misplaced my pants.

Bart Simpson:
[dancing on the roof and singing] S-U-C-C-E-S-S, that's the way you spell "Success"!

[falls off roof]

Jasper:
Are they talking about the bordello?

Grampa:
No. The burlesque house, so keep your mouth shut.

Bart:
Dad, I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park?

Homer:
Do I have to sit up?

Bart:
No.

Homer:
Knock yourself out.

[Marge and Lisa are leaving town]

Marge:
The cat needs his medication every morning...

Homer:
[talking over Marge] No problem. Can do.

Marge:
And the furnace has been giving off a lot of carbon monoxide...

Homer:
[still talking over Marge] Right. Uh-huh. Gotcha.

Marge:
So keep the window open.

Homer:
Cat in the furnace.

Marge:
Uh... you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us.

Bart:
[Driving Hitler's car] Outa my way, I'm Hitler!

Lisa:
Oh, one of them is playing my saxaphone. [Yelling] Release the spit valve! Release the spit valve!

Marge:
[Yelling] Over the Sink! Over the Sink

Homer:
Oh, he's sitting in the ass-groove. It took me years to work in that groove!

Marge:
How are we going to get those hicks out of our house?

Bart:
We could start a fire and smoke 'em out.

Marge:
No fires.

Lisa:
[pauses for a moment] Well, we could start a fire...

Marge:
No fires.

Homer:
[enthusiastically] I got it...

Marge:
No fires!

Nelson:
You wrecked Hitler's car! What'd he ever do to you?

Bart:
We're natural-born Carnies, Dad. If only we weren't tied down with a family.

Homer:
Yeah. We could start our own game, where people throw ducks at balloons and nothing's the way it seems.

Chief Wiggum:
Uh, I hate to interrupt your fun boys, but I got a few complaints that your game is crooked.

Homer:
[laughs] And how.

Chief Wiggum:
Gee, I'd hate to close you down. Maybe we can reach a little, uh, understanding here. [holds out his hand]

Homer:
[monotone] I understand.

Bart:
Um, hey, Dad, I... I think he wants...

Homer:
Not right now, Son. Daddy's talking to a policeman.

Chief Wiggum:
Uh, let me put it this way. I'm looking for my friend Bill. [glances down at the cash box] Have you seen any Bills around here?

Homer:
No. [points to Bart] He's Bart.

Chief Wiggum:
[groans] Listen carefully, and watch me wink as I speak, okay?

Homer:
Okay.

Chief Wiggum:
The guy I'm really looking for, wink, [winks] is Mr. Bribe, wink, wink. [winks twice]

Homer:
It's a ring toss game.

Chief Wiggum:
All right, that's it. I'm shutting this game down.

Homer:
You can't outsmart carnival folk. They're the cleverest folk in the world. Just look at the way they sucker regular folk with their crooked games.

[Homer is taunting a shark]

Homer:
Come on Sharky. Call yourself the king of the jungle?

Conan O'Brien:
[Bart starts dancing before the break] Only I may dance.

[Krusty the Klown cast members are eating lunch]

Sideshow Mel:
Bah! There's cheese in this sandwich. Surely you know I'm lactose intolerant.

Bart:
Sorry!

Sideshow Mel:
Sorry? Do you know how sick this is going to make me? Oh, boy! Come stand outside the bathroom. I want to yell at you some more...

[Mel yells from inside the bathroom] Why you little rapscallion!

Bart:
Show business sucks. I'm outta here.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer answers the telephone wearing only a bath towel] You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Krusty the Clown:
Next thing you know you're some schmuck working in a box factory.

Box Factory Manager:
I heard that.

Marge:
I saved these for you, Bart. You'll always have them to remind you of the time when you were the whole world's special little guy.

Bart:
Thanks, Mom.

Lisa:
And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catchphrase.

Homer:
[breaks lamp] D'oh!

Bart:
Aye Carumba.

Marge:
Hmmmmm.

Maggie:
[sucks pacifier]

Ned Flanders:
Hidely-ho.

Barney Gumble:
[belches]

Nelson:
Ha-ha.

Mr. Burns:
Excellent.

[pause, everyone stares at Lisa]

Lisa:
If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Homer:
What kind of catchphrase is that?

Bart:
Yoink!

Kent Brockman:
Yoink?

Homer Simpson:
Come on, Lisa, say something funny.

Lisa:
Like what?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, something stupid like Bart would say. "Bucka Bucka" or "Woozle Wuzzle": something like that.

Lawyer:
Your Honor, my client has instructed me to remind the court how rich and important he is, and that he is not like other men.

Mr. Burns:
I should be able to run over as many kids as I want!

[the lawyer asks Marge's opinion of Dr. Riviera's competence]

Marge:
I'm sorry, but my mother said, if you can't say anything nice about someone, you shouldn't say anything at all.

Homer:
[whispering] Will that hold up in court?

Lionel Hutz:
No, I've tried it.

Lisa Simpson:
Excuse me, Mr. Hutz. Are you a shyster?

Lionel Hutz:
How does a nice little girl like you know a big word like that?

Lenny Leonard:
Hey, Simpson, I heard Mr. Burns crushed your boy.

Homer:
Yeah. If I wasn't so spineless, I'd march into Mr. Burns' office right now and...

Waylon Smithers:
SIMPSON!

Homer:
Aah!

[coughing]

Waylon Smithers:
Mr. Burns wants you to march into his office right now!

Homer:
Uh-oh!

Lionel Hutz:
[giving Bart his business card] Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Homer:
Ooh, classy!

Bart Simpson:
You know, my dad's more fun when he's had a few beers. Maybe Ms. Krabappel would be more fun if we "Irish up" her coffee.

Nelson Muntz:
You mean put blood in it?

Bart Simpson:
No, I mean liquor. Now for the easy part. Kids, go get some booze.

Milhouse:
Why did she had to take my cell phone? I'm only on month one of my 60-month plan.

Bart Simpson:
You need to go out once in a while. When was the last time you washed your hair?

Edna Krabappel:
Two weeks ago.

Bart Simpson:
That's better than me, but you still need to go out.

Homer Simpson:
Look, I've got a game to get to, so let's make this as fast as possible. Show me some of Bart's artwork, give me some false hope, and I'll give you a little something to help with his grades [Puts bills on Zach's pocket] I don't want As, just incompletes.

Bart Simpson:
Bookstores don't have answers. Just creepy guys sitting at the end of the aisles.

Moe Szyslak:
Hey, I've never paid to read Doris Kearns Goodwin, and I ain't gonna start now. Oh, that's good Doris right there.

Bart Simpson:
A Simpson never gives up until he's done one easy thing.

Ned Flanders:
One cran bran for the Flan man.

Bart Simpson:
Here you go.

Edna Krabappel:
What did he ask for?

Bart Simpson:
Beats me. I just gave him a banana.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, am I bad on the inside?

Homer Simpson:
No, but the layers of badness reach almost to the center.

Bart Simpson:
But there's still a kernel of good inside me, right?

Homer Simpson:
I don't know. Kernels are kinda big.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Bart, you've told the truth, and you shall be rewarded... with a severe punishment.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
I'd love to have Edna back, but I can't just fire a teacher if he's doing a good job, or even an adequate job, or shows up at all without touching someone.

Zachary Vaughn:
[Chanting out in the hall] I hate children! I hate children! Children suck! Children suck!

Principal Seymour Skinner:
What's this? Teacher's lounge talk in the hallways?

Zachary Vaughn:
I hate children! You and you and you and you! School is useless! Hilary Swank never graduated high school, and she won two Oscars, one of which she deserved.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
You said you didn't put liquor in his drink.

Bart Simpson:
I didn't.

Zachary Vaughn:
I mixed vodka with my Blue Bronco. Anyone else want to ride the indigo pony?

Martin Prince:
Is there extra credit?

Zachary Vaughn:
Oh, they're gonna eat you alive at CalTech. Alive!

Edna Krabappel:
You know why they call it a choir? Because choir we listening to this crap?

Homer:
Well, these bills will have to be paid out of your allowance.

Bart:
You'll have to raise my allowance to about a thousand dollars a week.

Homer:
Then that's what I'll do, smart guy.

Marge:
[Homer and Marge are standing with Bart's Elephant, Stampy] Oh my, it looks like it could gore.

Homer:
Hee hee, it does look like Al Gore.

Homer Simpson:
[after hitting a deer statue] D'oh!

Lisa Simpson:
A deer!

Marge Simpson:
A female deer!

Homer:
Bart, with 10,000 dollars we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things, like... love!

[after Homer runs over a deer]

Homer:
D'oh!

Lisa:
A deer!

Marge:
A female deer.

[phone rings]

Chief Wiggum:
Heh, yeah, right, lady: An elephant ran through your front yard. Okay.

[rings again]

Chief Wiggum:
Wiggum... Yeah, right, mister, mm-hmm. An elephant just knocked over your mailbox. Okay.

[rings again]

Chief Wiggum:
Wiggum... Yeah, right, buddy, liquor store robbery, officer down. Sure. And I'm Edward G. Robinson.

Homer Simpson:
I just have two questions: "How much?" and "Give it to me".

Homer:
Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how drunk you get.

[Bill Clinton is playing the saxophone in a marching parade]

Moe:
Hey Clinton, get back to work.

Bill Clinton:
Make me.

Marge:
Homer, there's a bird on your head.

Homer:
I know, Marge, he's grooming me.

[Stampy has just escaped and is running through the Flanders' backyard]

Ned Flanders:
It's the four elephants of the apocalypse!

Maude Flanders:
That's horsemen, Ned.

Ned Flanders:
Well, getting warmer.

Bart:
[protesting outside the radio station] I want my elephant! I want my elephant!

Abraham Simpson:
They're playing that elephant song again.

Jasper Beardley:
I love that. Reminds me of elephants.

Mr. Blackheart:
Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network. And yes, like most people, I've dealt a little ivory.

Bart:
As God is my witness, I *can* pass the fourth grade!

Homer:
And if you don't pass, you'll still be bigger than the other kids.

Bart:
[praying] God, please give me one more chance to study, give me a snow day, or a power outage, or a teacher's strike, anything, please!

Lisa:
Prayer: the last refuge of the scoundrel.

Bart:
Part of this d-minus belongs to God.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Your grades have gotten steadily worse since the beginning of the term. Are you aware of that?

Bart:
Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel:
And are you aware there is a major exam coming up tomorrow on Colonial America?

Bart:
Yes, ma'am.

[as he starts to glaze, all he hears is:
]

Mrs. Krabappel:
Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah?

Bart:
Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah-blah, blah-blah!

Bart:
Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Bart! You haven't been listening to a word I've said, have you?

Bart:
Yes, ma'am.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Well, then what did I say?

Bart:
Uh..."straighten up and fly right?"

Mrs. Krabappel:
[spluttering] Well, that was a lucky guess!

Rod Flanders:
Hurry, let's climb down.

Bart:
Okay but don't let our hands touch. It's gay.

Rod Flanders:
What's gay mean?

Bart:
Uh, it means you use to be afraid [brief pause] , but now you're not.

Rod Flanders:
[to his father Ned Flanders below] I'm gay Daddy... I'm gay! Mrs. Simpson made me gay.

Marge:
[nervously to Ned Flanders] I believe he's saying... he's okay.

Rev. Lovejoy:
And now, please rise for our opening hymn "In The Garden Of Eden" by I. Ron Butterfly.

[as the song is playing]

Rev. Lovejoy:
Wait a minute... this sounds like rock and/or roll.

Lisa:
Hmmm, Pablo Neruda said "Laughter is the language of the soul."

Bart:
I am familiar with the works of Pablo Neruda.

Bart:
Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something parents made up to scare children, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson.

Grandma Van Houten:
A caller at this hour? You dial nine-one, then when I say so, dial one again.

[Bart has sold his soul to Milhouse]

Milhouse:
A pleasure doing business with you.

Bart:
Anytime, chummm... p.

Bart:
[to Milhouse] How can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid?

Homer Simpson:
Hey Marge, remember when we used to make out to this hymn?

Marge Simpson:
[chuckles wryly]

Marge Simpson:
An alligator with sunglasses? Now I've seen everything.

Chief Wiggum:
[sees a crazy hobo running around screaming] Ralphie, you stay here in the car while daddy tries to talk some sense into this raving derelict.

[Goes outside]

Derelict:
Garalmglkaklafja!

Chief Wiggum:
[stands there looking] All right all right slow down, slow down!

Derelict:
GARLKJALKAGJALGKAJLGKJLAGLKAJAAGKA!

Chief Wiggum:
Slow down now, come on.

Milhouse:
I'm really sorry... I kind of traded your soul to the guy at the comic book store. But look! I got some cool pogs: [shows them] Alf pogs! Remember Alf? He's back... in pog form!

[after Bart has sold his soul]

Bart:
Hey, boy, how's it going?

[Santa's Little Helper rears up and growls]

Bart:
[to Snowball II] What's wrong with him?

[Snowball II rears up and hisses]

Bart:
Geez! You're pretty uppity for someone who eats bugs all day.

[He leaves. Snowball II coughs out a bug]

[after selling his soul, Bart goes to the Qwik-E-Mart, and bumps into the sliding glass door when it fails to open]

Bart:
Oof! Stupid automatic door!

[Bart steps back. Rod and Tod walk by, and the door opens for them]

Rod Flanders, Tod Flanders:
Thank you, door!

[Bart slips in after them. A few minutes later, he tries to leave, and bumps into the door when it fails to open again]

Bart:
[rubbing his nose] This is getting weird...

Apu:
[over loudspeaker] Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex. Sanjay to the entrance with the Windex.

Girl with Sore Teeth:
Unky Moe?

Moe Szyslak:
[tries to hide in his anger] What is it, sweetheart?

Girl with Sore Teeth:
My sodey is too cold and my teeth hurt.

Moe Szyslak:
Oh, your teeth hurt, huh? Your teeth hurt...

[loses it]

Moe Szyslak:
Well, that's too freakin' bad, you hear me! And I'll tell you where you can put your freakin' sodey too!

[the entire restaurant gasps]

Tod Flanders:
[gets his ears covered] Ow, my freakin' ears!

[Ned and Maude gasp]

Maude Flanders:
Oh, let's go, dear!

Ned Flanders:
Well, I expect that type of language at Denny's but not here!

[as Springfield is beating Arlen 28-3]

Hank Hill:
We drove 2,000 miles for this?

Dr. Hibbert:
Well, your cholesterol level is lethally high, Homer, but I'm more concerned about your gravy level.

Homer Simpson:
Now, wait a second. You doctors have been telling us to drink eight glasses of gravy a day!

Dr. Hibbert:
[laughs] Well, you're a little confused.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, confused, would we?

Homer Simpson:
Hey, Flanders, you're the worst coach this team has ever had!

Marge Simpson:
He's the only coach this team has ever had. And the season hasn't even started yet.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, well, he's... wearing that hat like an idiot.

Marge Simpson:
You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.

Homer Simpson:
Fun too.

Homer Simpson:
Good practice, kids. Now it's time for the easiest part of any coach's job. The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle [Steven smiles]. That's why it was so hard to cut you [Steven's smile drops]. Congratulations, the rest of you made the team! [random sighs of relief] Except you, you and you.

Marge Simpson:
Look. I want a cup.

Sportacus Clerk:
Cup. Could you spell that?

Marge Simpson:
C-U-P. I wanna C-U... Oh, my God!

Marge Simpson:
Wow, Homer coaching in the championship game! You must be pretty proud of your son!

Grampa Simpson:
You'd think so, wouldn't you?

[falls asleep]

Ned Flanders:
Good luck, Homer. No hard feelings!

Homer Simpson:
Not so easy to keep your mouth shut now, is it, Flanders?

Homer Simpson:
My father never believed in me! I'm not gonna make the same mistake. From now on I'm gonna be kinder to my son and meaner to my dad.

Marge Simpson:
You know, Homer, it's very easy to criticize.

Homer Simpson:
Fun, too.

Lisa Simpson:
What position have you got for me?

[the kids gasps]

Lisa Simpson:
That's right. A girl who wants to play football. How about that?

Ned Flanders:
Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team.

Lisa Simpson:
You do?

Ned Flanders:
Uh huh. But we'd love to have you on board!

Lisa Simpson:
Well... football's not really my thing. After all... what kind of civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?

Ned Flanders:
Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic!

Janey Powell:
And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International!

Lisa Simpson:
[crying] I've gotta go!

Ned Flanders:
A little higher, Wendell. [another throw] A lot higher, Martin. [another throw] Ralph, that's a basketball... [next throw hits Flanders hard] OK! Nelson's our quarterback.

Nelson Muntz:
Thanks, four-eyes.

Ned Flanders:
Ralph, you'll be on special teams.

Ralph Wiggum:
I'm special!

Todd Flanders:
We don't have to play football, do we, Daddy?1

Ned Flanders:
Ho ho ho, you betcha. Team sports will keep you away from temptations like rock music and girls.

Rod Flanders, Todd Flanders:
Yay!

Marge Simpson:
Now, make no mistake. When I say "first aid" I'm not talking about some sort of... charity rock concert. [laughs at her own joke] I'm talking about treating serious injuries! [the crowd laughs loudly]

Krusty:
Serious injuries! [writes it down] Ooh, that's gold!

Bart Simpson:
I got bad news for you, Dad.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, your mother is not pregnant, is she?

Ranier Wolfcastle:
[to Uter] What's the matter? You can't do one sit-up?

Uter:
I loved your last movie, Mr. Wolfcastle.

Ranier Wolfcastle:
Quit stalling, fatty!

Martin Prince:
Hey, Bart. We wear the same underpants!

Bart Simpson:
Okay, Milhouse, let's try out the new cup.

Milhouse Van Houten:
[kicks Bart in the groin]

Bart Simpson:
Again!

Milhouse Van Houten:
[kicks Bart in the groin again]

Bart Simpson:
[yawns]

Milhouse Van Houten:
[kicks Bart in the groin again and again]

Marge Simpson:
Milhouse, stop that!

Homer Simpson:
Hey, Apu, you got that new beer with candy floating in it... Skittlebrau?

Apu:
No such product exists sir. You must have dreamt it.

Homer Simpson:
Well then, just gimme a six pack and a bag of Skittles.

Nelson Muntz:
[to football player] Gimme the ball! [football player hands him the ball] And your lunch money! [football player hands him his lunch money too]

Homer:
Hello, Son. I wanna apologize. I got so caught up in trying to encourage you, that I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you come back and play for the team, I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Homer Simpson:
Good practice, kids. Now its time for the easiest part of any coach's job. The cuts. Although I wasn't able to cut everyone I wanted to, I have cut a lot of you. Wendell is cut. Rudy is cut. Janey, you're gone. Steven, I like your hustle [Steven smiles] . That's why it was so hard to cut you [Steven's smile drops] . Congratulations, the rest of you made the team! [random sighs of relief] Except you, you and you.

Homer:
Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.

Bart:
Since when?

Homer:
Since your mother yelled at me.

Homer:
Got any of that beer that has candy floating in it? You know, Skittlebrau?

Apu:
Such a beer does not exist, sir. I think you must have dreamed it.

Homer:
Oh. Well, then just give me a six-pack and a couple of bags of Skittles.

Homer Simpson:
[Cat Calling] Flaaaaanders! Flaaaaaaanders!

Ned Flanders:
[Agitated] What, what is it?

Homer Simpson:
Game's out there, ha ha ha made ya look!

Homer Simpson:
God, I love to watch that woman get beer.

Principal Skinner:
The things you don't know would fill a whole library and leave room for a few pamphlets.

Superintendent Chalmers:
There's no need for hyperbole, Seymour.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Today, I'm going to be teaching you.

Bart Simpson:
Eh. Same garbage, different dumpster.

Superintendent Chalmers:
[Opens book to table of U.S. Presidents] I'm sure you know who these guys are.

Bart Simpson:
[Points at Washington] Dollar bill guy... [Points at Lincoln] Five-dollar bill guy... [Points to Clinton] Sex guy... [Points to Bush Jr] Will Ferrell... [Points to Obama] Black guy.

Milhouse:
I like how Teddy had asthma as a child, like me.

Dolph:
I like how he says "Bully" all the time, and he can really rock a pair of jodhpurs.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Boys, the truth is, your school has failed you.

Jimbo Jones:
School failed me? Does school have to go to summer Jimbo?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Take a good look, boys. He's the canary in the coal mine of our failing education system.

Jimbo Jones:
You hear that? You're in my coal mine, b*tches!

Homer Simpson:
Bart, I'm going to ask you about something I read in a magazine. Are you boys in here cyberbullying?

Jimbo Jones:
How could we? We're all together, and we're not using computers.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, I parented!

Marge Simpson:
That's great, honey. Come down for chocolate milk and a brownie.

Homer Simpson:
So long, suckers.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, what are you doing?

Bart Simpson:
Locking the school with the kids inside.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm telling mom!

Bart Simpson:
Go right ahead. You can use the closet phone. [locks Lisa in broom closet]

Lisa Simpson:
Hello, mom?

Bart Simpson:
There really is a closet phone? [Bart opens door; Lisa is just standing there sticking her tongue out; Bart closes door on her] Real mature.

Bart Simpson:
I've learned a lot today. Now to let TV slowly waste it all away.

Bart Simpson:
Of all the films about Teddy Roosevelt, what do you think represents him the best?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Night At The Museum, no question.

Bart Simpson:
One or two?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Either one. You can't go wrong either way.

Lisa:
As you know, we've been swimming. And we've developed a taste for it. We both agree that getting our own pool is the way to go. Now before you respond, you must understand that your refusal would result in months and months of...

Lisa, Bart:
CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad? CanwehaveapoolDad?

Homer:
I understand. Let us celebrate our agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.

Marge:
I wish you'd stop spreading bad rumors about people! Remember when you got Grampa tarred and feathered?

Bart:
Sure. That was 20 minutes ago.

Grampa:
Gonna be in the tub for a while...

Lisa's Brain:
They're only using you for your pool, you know.

Lisa:
Shut up, brain! I got friends now, I don't need you any more.

Homer:
[the Simpsons have accidentally made a barn out of a pool kit] All right, everybody in the pool!

Amish Farmer:
'Tis a fine barn, but sure 'tis no pool, English

Homer:
D'oh-eth!

Lisa's Brain:
They're only using you for your pool, you know.

Lisa:
Shut up, brain! I got friends now, I don't need you anymore.

Martin Prince:
[in the Pool-Mobile] Take your best shot! I'm wearing seventeen layers!

[all kids gather around Martin and snatch all of them]

Martin Prince:
[gasps] I brought this on myself.

[runs away]

Bart:
Listen, Ned Flanders murdered his wife.

Homer:
But why? She's such a fox.

[off Marge's glare]

Homer:
I mean, what's on FOX tonight? Something ribald, no doubt.

Bart:
[the night after Bart hears a woman scream from Flanders's house, Bart sees Flanders digging a hole in his backyard]

Bart:
This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!

Ned Flanders:
I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!

Bart:
Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.

Ned Flanders:
I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!

Bart:
If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Jimbo:
Dude, buzz has it an even wussier kid has an even better pool than this!

[all the kids jump out, leaving Lisa stood at the bottom of an empty pool]

Lisa:
Hello? Hey, I'm stuck in here! I gotta think of a way to get out!

Lisa's Brain:
Well, well, well... look who's come crawling back.

[Homer and Marge go skinny dipping and Wiggum's helicopter flies overhead. They scream]

Chief Wiggum:
Do not be alarmed. Continue swimming naked. Oh, come on! Continue! Come on! Aw... all right, Lou, open fire.

Nelson:
HA HA.

Milhouse:
Nelson, he's really hurt. I think he broke his leg.

Nelson:
I said, "HA HA."

Homer:
There's still the little matter of the whereabouts of your wife.

Maude Flanders:
Uh, I'm right here.

Homer:
[sarcastically] Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!

[after a pause]

Homer:
Really, I mean that. Sorry if it SOUNDED sarcastic.

[last lines]

Martin Prince:
More friends! More allies! More, I say. Hang those who talk of less. There's a few inches over here, ho!

[one more kid squeezes in, causing the pool to burst]

Martin Prince:
My precious pool and its lifestyle accoutrements... no!

[everyone grumbles, leaves]

Nelson:
[rips off Martin's bathing suit] Ha ha!

Martin Prince:
Oh. The gentle caress of the summer breeze.

[sings]

Martin Prince:
The summer wind came blowing in from across the sea...

[Martin has his family build a pool in their background to compete with Lisa's]

Martin Prince:
Ah, my plan has come to fruition! Soon I'll be queen of summertime... uh, I mean king, king!

Krusty:
Hope you enjoyed that, kids, 'cause Krusty's out of here for the summer. In the meantime, we'll be running [groans] "Klassic Krusty". [Cut to Krusty episode that first aired on February 6th, 1961] Good evening. Tonight my guest is AFL/CIO chairman George Meany, who will be discussing collective bargaining agreements

George Meaney:
It's a pleasure to be here, Krusty

Krusty:
Let me be blunt: is there a labor crisis in America today?

George Meaney:
Well that depends what you mean by "crisis"...

[on working at the DMV]

Patty:
Some days we don't let the line move at all.

Selma:
Yeah, we call those *week*days.

[Lisa tells Homer about Bart's problem after making him promise not to get mad]

Lisa:
[rapidly] Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a wig outlet in Knoxville and the car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!

[Homer's face turns pink, but his voice is eerily calm]

Homer:
Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

[He puts on a radiation suit hood and screams out indistinguishable profanities, fogging the glass of the faceplate. When he takes the hood off, he is eerily calm again]

Homer:
All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

[after seeing the movie "Naked Lunch"]

Nelson:
I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.

[last lines] [after Homer and Lisa secretly rescue Bart from his latest escapade, Homer and Marge are settling down for the night. The phone rings, Marge picks it up]

Marge:
Hello? Oh, hello, Principal Skinner. No, Bart has never been to Hong Kong. All right, goodbye.

[she hangs up, but the phone rings again]

Marge:
Hello? Tennessee State Police? No, my son's car did not get crushed in Knoxville! I can't even begin to tell you what's wrong with that.

[she hangs up, the phone rings yet again]

Marge:
Hello? No, Bart is not available tomorrow to deliver a human kidney to Amsterdam!

[she hangs up and turns out the light]

Homer:
Hee, hee, hee...

Marge:
Homer, are you laughing at me?

[Selma just took Cletus' picture for his driver's license]

Selma:
Okay. One more step. I just gotta go laminate your license. You'll get it in two to three weeks.

Cletus:
Hot damn! No more sittin' in the dirt at the drive-in!

[When the school replaces a normal school day with "Follow your parents to work" day, Marge encourages Lisa to go to the nuclear plant, while Bart looks forward to staying home, "observing" Marge]

Marge:
Lisa, you've always been interested in nuclear power.

Lisa:
Mom, I've signed numerous petitions to shut that place down.

Marge:
Well, there you go.

Bart:
Mom, you're in the way of the TV. If you want to, you can fill out my form.

Marge:
[reading] "Parent's occupation... Please note that 'homemaker' is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid." Mmmm...

Lisa:
Bart can take my place at the nuclear power plant.

Marge:
But Bart so wanted to see women in the workplace.

Lisa:
Well, how about Aunt Patty and Aunt Selma at the DMV?

[Bart gasps]

Marge:
Thank you, Lisa! I would have never thought of that.

[Lisa chuckles]

Homer:
Hello, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball, first name Ura.

Moe:
Ura Snotball?

Homer:
What? How dare you. If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran.

Homer:
Lisa, would you like a donut?

Lisa:
No thanks. Do you have any fruit?

Homer:
This has purple in it. Purple is a fruit.

Dr. Hibbert:
This little boy broke his leg trying to fly like Superman. This boy's brother hit him in the head with a wrench, mimicking a recent TV wrestling match. I won't even subject you to the horrors of our Three Stooges ward.

Marge Simpson:
Gee, I never realized TV was such a dangerous influence.

Dr. Hibbert:
Well, as tragic as all this is, it's a small price to pay for countless hours of top-notch entertainment.

Homer Simpson:
Amen!

[last lines; Homer is in traction, sharing Captain Lance Murdock's hospital room]

Homer Simpson:
You think you got guts? Try raising my kids.

[Krusty faces imprisonment after being revealed as a tax fraud]

Krusty the Clown:
I can't go to jail. I got a swanky lifestyle. I'm used to the best.

IRS Agent 1#:
Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to jail. We're just going to garnish your salary.

Krusty the Clown:
You're going to *garnish* my *celery*?

IRS Agent 1#:
Please, Krusty, no jokes.

Krusty the Clown:
Who's joking? Oh, I don't understand what you're saying, it all sounds so crazy to me.

Homer Simpson:
Let's see I'll have an IRSwich with-hold the lettuce, two independent sized shakes and a fudgichino.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen:
Fill out schedule b. You should receive your burgers in six to eight weeks.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer muttering to himself] Hey Marge. What were your gambling losses last year?

Marge Simpson:
$700.

Krusty the Clown:
[upset about being ruined, to Bart] I was a big cheese, I was a huge cheese! But now look at me- I gotta ride the bus like a schnook, I gotta live in an apartment like an *idiot*! [starts shouting] I gotta wait in line with nobodies [voice gets louder] to buy groceries [voice gets louder again] from a failure!

Bart Simpson:
Well if it'll make you feel better, you could punch me in the face.

Krusty the Clown:
[prepares to punch Bart, stops] Nah, forget it. Go home, kid. [Bart leaves, Krusty looks down in depression]

Troy McClure:
Hello, I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such celebrity funerals as "Andre The Giant, We Hardly Knew Ye" and "Shemp Howard: Today We Mourn A Stooge."

Cayman Islands Bank Manager:
[chuckles] I'm sorry, I can't disclose any information about that customer's secret, illegal account.

[hangs up]

Cayman Islands Bank Manager:
Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret... Oh, crap! I *certainly* shouldn't have said it was illegal!

[sits back, fanning himself]

Cayman Islands Bank Manager:
Ah, it's too hot here.

Krusty the Clown:
The faithful people at the Global Positioning System, is all the companionship I need...

[taps the GPS box, which delivers a healthy electric shock]

Krusty the Clown:
AAAARGH!

[hurling the box over the side of the boat]

Krusty the Clown:
Tell me where you are now you bastard!

Homer:
Oh Bart, don't worry, people die all the time. In fact, you could wake up dead tomorrow.

Krusty the Clown:
No offense kid, but your mom's a big dingbat.

Herman:
When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?

Bart:
Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?

Herman:
Well, I'd rather they say, "Death From Above," but I guess we're stuck.

Bart:
You know, there are names for people like you.

Lisa:
No there aren't.

Bart:
Teacher's pet. Apple polisher. Butt kisser.

Homer:
Bart. You're saying butt kisser like it's a bad thing.

Abe Simpson:
I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

Bart:
Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures.

Abe Simpson:
You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain, or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

Bart:
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you have just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II, and The Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures. See you next week. Peace, man!

Weasel #1:
Nelson, you're bleeding!

Nelson Muntz:
Naw, happens all the time. Someone else's blood splatters on me. Hey, wait a minute. You're right! You made me bleed my own blood!

[playing Scrabble]

Bart:
Kwyjibo: K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points. Plus, triple-word score, plus fifty points for using all my letters... Game's over, I'm outta here.

Homer:
Wait a minute, you little cheater. You're not going anywhere 'til you tell me what a Kwyjibo is.

Bart:
Kwyjibo. Uh, a big dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.

Marge:
And a short temper.

Homer:
I'll show you a big dumb balding ape!

Bart:
Uh oh, Kwyjibo on the loose!

[after Bart turned himself green in a science accident]

Homer:
Don't be discouraged, son. I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

Homer:
What do we need a psychiatrist for? We know our kid is nuts.

Edna Krabappel:
These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [She looks at Bart] If any.

Homer:
Frosty Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of these.

Marge:
Homer!

Homer:
I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows up.

Bart:
[at an opera - Bart & Homer are bored] "It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings."

Homer:
That one fat enough for ya?

Homer:
You can't stay in there forever!

Bart:
I can try!

Homer:
March your butt out here right now!

Bart:
No way, man!

Homer:
[sweet] Son, if you don't come out, I can't hug you and kiss you, and make you feel all better.

Bart:
You think I'm dumb enough to fall for that? I'm insulted!

Homer:
Sorry, son. Your mom got us tickets to a snooty movie directed by some Swedish meatball.

Ms. Mellon:
Well don't you get it Bart? Derivative DY equals 3R squared, DR over three or R squared, DR or RDRR.

[Ms. Melon does a jig dance]

Ms. Mellon:
Hardy-har-har. Get it?

Bart:
Come on, mom.

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah mom, hurry up!

Marge:
Alright, hmm how about, he? Two points. Your turn dear.

Homer:
Hmmm, how could anyone make a word out of these lousy letters? [camera pans down to show the word oxidize] Oh wait, here's a good one, do.

Lisa Simpson:
[Lisa places an I on top of the D in do] Id triple word score!

Homer:
Hey, no abbreviations.

Lisa Simpson:
Not I.D. dad id! It's a word!

Bart:
As in this game is stupid.

Homer:
Hey, shut up boy.

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah Bart. You're supposed to be developing verbal abilities for your big aptitude test tomorrow.

Marge:
We could look this id thing up in the dictionary.

Homer:
We've got one?

Marge:
I think it's under the short leg of the couch. [Homer lifts up couch and gives the dictionary to Lisa]

Lisa Simpson:
Id, along with the ego and the superego one of three components of the psyche.

Homer:
Get out of here!

Bart:
My turn. Kwyjibo. K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. 22 points, plus triple word score, plus 50 points for using all my letters! Game's over I'm outta here.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
You there, no chewing gum on school grounds! In the trash can with it.

Martin Prince:
Principal Skinner, one of my fellow children is vandalizing school property.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Oh, where?

Martin Prince:
Over there sir. See!

Milhouse van Houten:
Look out Bart! Here comes Skinner!

Bart:
Yikes!

Elizabeth Hoover:
I fail to see the educational value of this assembly.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Ah, it will be one of their few pleasant memories when they're pumping gas for a living.

Homer:
Step aside, everyone. Sensitive love letters are my speciality.

[starts writing]

Homer:
"Dear Baby. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

[Writing a farewell love letter to Mrs. Krabappel]

Bart Simpson:
How about, "an alligator bit off my face."

Marge Simpson:
That's disgusting! And besides, if a woman really loves a man, she doesn't care if an alligator bites off his face.

Homer:
I may hold you to that, Marge.

[Writing a farewell letter to Mrs. Krabappel]

Homer:
Three simple words: "I am gay."

Marge Simpson:
Homer, for the last time, I am not putting that in!

Lisa Simpson:
Now we need to find a way to end it.

Homer:
How about, "with a love that will echo through the ages..."

Lisa Simpson, Marge Simpson:
Awww...

Bart Simpson:
Homer, you old honey dripper!

Ned Flanders:
Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it? Asparagus?

Ned Flanders:
No, no, Reverend. The point is, he said a bad word.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Oh, oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and... direct them to the Bible.

Ned Flanders:
Where in the Bible?

Rev. Lovejoy:
Uh... page 900.

Ned Flanders:
[unconvinced] But, Reverend...

[Rev. Lovejoy quickly hangs up]

[while building a dog house, Homer has been teaching himself not to curse by using a "Swear Jar."]

Homer:
[hits his finger with a hammer] Oh... fudge. That's broken.

[steps on a piece of wood, and a nail goes through his shoe]

Homer:
Fiddle-dee-dee! That will require a tetanus shot. But I'm not going to swear. But I am going to KICK THIS DOG HOUSE DOWN!

[goes berserk]

Bart Simpson:
[Bart has raised lizard eggs, but they are to be destroyed] Everyone thinks they're monsters, but I raised them, and I love them! I know that's hard to understand.

Marge Simpson:
Mmm...... Not as hard as you think. [Whispers conspiratorially] Run for it.

Bart Simpson:
Really? [Marge nods, and Bart kisses her on the cheek before running away]

Troy McClure:
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other nature films as "Earwigs, Ew." and "Man Vs Nature... The Road To Victory".

Marge Simpson:
While I deal with this, why don't you start with that basket?

Homer Simpson:
All right - Ooooh I hate folding sheets.

Marge Simpson:
That's your underwear.

Homer Simpson:
Well whatever it is, it's a two man job, where's Bart?

Bart:
But mom...

Marge:
I just don't think it's a good idea

Bart:
But mom!

Marge:
Yes?

Bart:
That's all I got...

Marge:
And punish Lisa for lying to us.

Homer:
All right, young lady. March yourself right down to the Kwik-E-Mart and get me some chips and a beer.

Bart:
Aah! You ate my homework?... I didn't know dogs really did that.

Bart:
[while working for Fat Tony] Gimme three fingers of milk, Ma.

Chief Wiggum:
Fat Tony is a cancer in this fair city. He is the cancer, and I am the, um... what cures cancer.

Chief Wiggum:
Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... uh... what cures cancer?

[watching his first Itchy & Scratchy cartoon]

Fat Tony:
It's funny because it's true.

Bart:
Uh, say, are you guys crooks?

Fat Tony:
Bart, is it wrong to steal a loaf of bread to feed your starving family?

Bart:
No.

Fat Tony:
Well, suppose you got a large starving family. Is it wrong to steal a truckload of bread to feed them?

Bart:
Uh uh.

Fat Tony:
And, what if your family don't like bread? They like... cigarettes?

Bart:
I guess that's okay.

Fat Tony:
Now, what if instead of giving them away, you sold them at a price that was practically giving them away. Would that be a crime, Bart?

Bart:
Hell, no.

Fat Tony:
Hey Bart, I hope there are no hard feelings.

Bart:
Get bent.

Fat Tony:
I deserved that.

Lionel Hutz:
Lionel Hutz, court-appointed attorney. I'll be defending you on the charge of... Murder One! Wow! Even if I lose, I'll be famous!

Fat Tony:
Hey, pick a horse, kid. 3rd race, give it a good one.

Bart:
Eat my shorts.

Fat Tony:
Eat My Shorts. Let see... Hey, wait a minute you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the 5th Race, I said the 3rd race!

Bart:
Don't have a cow.

Fat Tony:
Don't Have A Cow in the 3rd.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Bart Simpson, you're late! Go to the office and fill out a tardy slip.

Bart:
But I'm only [looks at the clock] five, ten, fifteen, twenty... forty minutes? That's pretty damn late!

Fat Tony:
What's a murder?

Bart:
Did you kill my principal?

Fat Tony:
Uh, chinese guy with a moustache?

Lewis:
[covered in leaves] Hey, look at me. I'm Skinner's body!

Bart:
That is not funny, Lewis.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Well, I heard Skinner's buried under his parking spot.

Richard:
Well, I heard he was ground up into hamburger and served to us at lunch.

Nelson:
I heard Bart had Skinner killed by gangsters.

Bart:
That's not true! It's just a rumor. You're engaged in speculation. I know the law, you can't prove anything.

[Principal Skinner has just burst into the courtroom, "back from the dead", saving Bart from jail for his "murder" with his explanation on what happened to him]

Prosecuting Attorney:
Your Honor, the prosecution moves that Principal Skinner's testimony be stricken from the record!

Judge Snyder:
[shouts] Denied! Case dismissed!

Bart:
I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

Lisa Simpson:
We inherited quite a budget crunch from President Trump.

Homer:
When will you people learn? In America we stopped using corporal punishment and things have never been better. The streets are safe, old people strut confidently through the darkest alleys and the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free, for as the old saying goes, "Let your children run wild and free."

Bart:
Hey guys, just so you don't hear any wild rumors, I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.

Homer:
Pfff. That's no reason to block the TV.

Bruno Dundridge:
Ooh! Ah, that's it. I'm going to report this to me member of parliament.

[yells out window]

Bruno Dundridge:
Hey, Gus! I got something to report to you.

[Later, as Gus tends his swine]

Gus:
That's a bloody outrage, it is! I want to take this all the way to the Prime Minister.

[they go down to a lake]

Gus:
Hey! Mr. Prime Minister! Andy!

Prime Minister:
[floating naked on an inner tube with a beer] Eh, mates! What's the good word?

Translator:
Please to repeat again and I will translating for the el presidente.

Translator:
[slowly] Which way does the water turn in your toilet?

Translator:
[in Spanish] He says the tide is turning!

El Presidente:
[in Spanish] Ay, caramba! Then the rebels will soon take the capital. I must flee!

El Presidente:
[dives out window]

Bart Simpson:
I can't get a straight answer out of this crazy hemisphere.

[tries another number]

Hitler:
[as his car-phone's ringing] Eine minuten, eine minuten!

[ringing stops]

Hitler:
Ach! Das wagen phone ist ein... nuisance phone!

Man on Pennyfarthing:
Buenos notches, mein fuehrer.

Hitler:
Ja, ja.

[looking at Uruguay on a map]

Homer:
Heehee. Look at this country. "You are gay."

[after Bart moons the people of Australia by writing "Don't tread on me" on his behind]

Marge:
I'm glad you're all right, honey, but I wish you'd chosen a more tasteful way to be patriotic.

Lisa:
I'm impressed you were able to write so legibly on your own butt.

[Bart is showing Lisa his pocket knife]

Australian with Spoon:
You call that a knife?

[the man pulls out a spoon]

Australian with Spoon:
*This* is a knife.

Bart:
[confused] That's not a knife, that's a spoon.

Australian with Spoon:
Alright, alright you win. I see you've played knifey-spoony before.

[the Prime Minister draws back his foot to "boot" Bart through the Embassy gate]

Prime Minister:
This is for the Commonwealth of Australia!

[as he kicks out, Bart jumps out of range]

Bart:
And this is for the United States of America!

[He drops his pants, showing "DON'T TREAD ON ME" written on his butt. He moons the enraged Australian crowd, humming "The Star Spangled Banner."]

Homer:
What kind of sick country would kick someone with a giant boot?

Conover:
Mr. Simpson, shush! Disparaging the boot is a bootable offense. It's one of their proudest traditions.

U.S. Ambassador:
Good news, we've worked out a compromise that will allow both nations to save face.

Conover:
We've argued them down to... a booting.

Homer, Marge, Bart:
WHAT?

U.S. Ambassador:
The Prime Minister just wants to kick Bart once, through the gate, with a regular shoe.

Conover:
I believe it's a wing tip.

Bruno Dundridge:
Hey, you're just some punk kid, aren't you? Well, you picked the wrong guy to tangle with, mate!

Bart:
[laughs] I don't think so. You're all the way over in Australia. Hey, I think I hear a dingo eating your baby.

Bart:
No fair! You only won because you had the inside track. If the water had been going the other way...

Lisa:
It never goes the other way, Bart. In the Northern Hemisphere, water always drains counter-clockwise. It's called the Coriolis Effect.

Bart:
No way! Water doesn't obey your "rules." It goes where it wants to. Like me, babe.

[while fleeing the Australian mob, Bart spies a pair of kangaroos]

Bart:
Hey, we can escape in their pouches!

[they start to jump inside, then stop]

Bart:
Eww... it's not like in the cartoons.

Homer:
Yeah, there's a lot more mucous.

Milhouse:
Hey, Bart! Come quick! There's a bakery on fire, and all of downtown smells like cookies! You want to come smell?

Bart:
Yes. Yes, I do.

[at an American embassy]

Homer:
[points to guard] Hey, look. You're one of those guards like at Buckingham Palace. I can do whatever I want, and you can't do anything.

[starts dancing and pulling stupid faces]

U.S. Marine:
[punches Homer in the face] No, sir. United States Marine Corps, sir.

Marge:
We have those in America. They're called bull frogs.

Australian Squeaky-Voiced Teen:
That's weird! I'd have called them chuzzwazzers!

Bart:
[Climbing into a kangaroo's pouch and being covered in mucus] Ew! Its not like in cartoons!

Homer:
Yeah, there's a lot more mucus.

[Lisa sees a sign for a "Yahoo Serious Festival"]

Lisa:
I know those words, but that sign doesn't make sense.

Marge:
I'll just have a cup of coffee.

Bartender:
Beer it is.

Marge:
No, no. Coffee.

Bartender:
Beer.

Marge:
Coff-fee.

Bartender:
Be-ear.

Marge:
C-O...

Bartender:
B-E...

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, you're my big brother. You should act like it more often. You know, protect me from the bad things in the world.

Bart Simpson:
As far as nerdy little sisters go, you're the coolest.

Lisa Simpson:
Thanks, Bart.

Bart Simpson:
And I'm sorry I sabotaged your flag.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm sorry I got us lost out here.

Bart Simpson:
Oh! And I'm sorry I sawed the heads of your Malibu Stacy dolls. Okay, now you go.

Lisa Simpson:
I don't think I've done anything else.

Bart Simpson:
Okay, I'll go again. Remember when your bike was mangled by "gypsies"?

Lisa Simpson:
Yes?

Bart Simpson:
Yeah, funny story. One day I was really bored, and Dad had left a steamroller idling in the driveway...

Homer:
Operator. Give me the number for 911.

Homer:
[picks up Maggie as he watches a Thanksgiving football game] See those blue and silver guys, Maggie? They're the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team, and he wants them to lose by at least three points.

Homer:
Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Bart Simpson:
[Bart imagines apologising for wrecking Lisa's centrepiece] Lisa, I'm sorry.

Marge Simpson:
[the fantasy turns nightmarish] No, no, no. That won't do at all.

Homer:
Yeah, boy. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness.

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah, beg me Bart. Beg me.

Bart Simpson:
Lisa, I beg of you. Please forgive me.

Marge Simpson:
[all the family laugh at Bart] Now, we can blame him for everything.

Homer:
It's your fault I'm bald.

Bart Simpson:
I'm sorry.

Grampa Simpson:
It's your fault I'm old.

Bart Simpson:
I'm sorry.

Maggie Simpson:
It's your fault I can't talk.

Bart Simpson:
I'm sorry.

Uncle Sam:
It's your fault America's lost its way.

Bart Simpson:
I'm sorry. [the family start saying everything is Bart's fault and he keeps apologising]

Principal Skinner:
Curse the man who invented helium! Curse Pierre Jules Cesar Janssen!

Bart:
What's really amazing is this is exactly what Dad said would happen!

Lisa:
Yeah, Dad was right!

Homer:
I know, kids, I'm scared too!

Kent Brockman:
I've said it before, and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

Lisa:
It blew up the bridge! We're doomed!

Homer:
It's times like this I wish I were a religious man.

Reverend Lovejoy:
[running down the street, crazes] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer! AAAHHH!

Database:
I make it a point never to turn my head unless I expect to see something, Bart.

Professor Frink:
That comet is headed straight for us, with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain... pain in the glaving!

Professor Frink:
Gu'hey, good evening, everyone...

Man in Audience:
[stands up and yells] Quit stalling! What's the plan!

Professor Frink:
Alright just take your seat, just take your seat.

Principal Skinner:
And now to find out who did this... Bart, empty your pockets!

Bart:
Empty my pockets, you say? Well, certainly, but I fail to see...

Principal Skinner:
[looking through the contents] Blueprints of the dummy... notarized photos of you making the dummy... and an alternate wording for the banner, "Buttzilla."

Homer:
Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this anymore. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you - especially his children. I'm going out there! [goes out, slams door behind him, then pops his head back in] It was a baby ox.

Moe:
He's right, you know.

Principal Skinner:
[surprised] About the ox?

Moe:
About everything, dammit! Hey Homer, wait up. I want to die too.

Apu:
If you are going, I am going.

Barney Gumble:
Me too!

[everyone assents and leaves]

Bart:
[about constellations] Who names these things anyway?

Principal Skinner:
Whoever discovers them. I've been hoping I could find something that would be named after me.

Bart:
And you've never found anything?

Principal Skinner:
Once... but by the time I got to the phone, my discovery had already been reported by Principal Kohoutek... [a cloud covers the moon; ominous music plays] I got back at him, though... him and that little *boy* of his. [cloud passes; music ends] Anyway, that's why I always keep a cellular phone next to me.

Kent Brockman:
Now, over the years, a newsman learns a number of things that for one reason or another, he just cannot report. Doesn't seem to matter now, so... the following people are gay. [a list flashes by hurriedly]

Marge Simpson:
Turn it off!

Homer:
[copying down the list quickly] Just a second...

Abe Simpson:
Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years.

Jasper:
Tsk, tsk, tsk... trouble abrewing.

Homer:
[at dinner]... and then I sped away without anyone seeing my license plate.

Lisa:
Sounds like you had a good day today, Dad.

Homer:
Yeah... except I forgot to go to work. [everyone looks at him silently]

Marge Simpson:
What did you do today, Bart?

Bart:
What didn't I do? [hands his mother a newspaper]

Marge Simpson:
[reading] "Boy Discovers Comet"...

Lisa:
What?

Marge Simpson:
"A young Springfieldianite has discovered a new comet to be known as the 'Bart Simpson Comet'." Oh honey, I'm so proud of you!

Bart:
But then, you've *always* been proud of me.

Marge Simpson:
[pauses] Yes...

Miss Emily Winthrop:
[to Santa's Little Helper] You son of a b*tch! Good show!

[Lisa, home with the mumps, watches a soap opera with Marge]

Lisa:
Gee, is it always this good?

Actor Marge:
Mmmmm, I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boathouse.

[Lisa and Marge are watching a soap opera. On TV, a dishevelled man dressed as a priest bursts into the room, surprising the amorous couple inside]

Jack's Girlfriend:
Father McGrath... I thought you were dead.

Father McGrath:
I was!

Miss Emily Winthrop:
Pull the bloody chain, boy!

Samantha Stanky:
How will we know when we fall in love?

Mrs. Krabappel:
Oh, don't worry children. Most of you will *never* fall in love, but will marry out of fear of dying alone!

Milhouse:
How could this have happened? We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but instead it ended in tragedy.

Milhouse:
Bart, I don't want you to see me cry.

Bart:
Aw come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when we're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.

Milhouse:
Well, I didn't want you to see me cry THIS time.

[after watching a film on sex education]

Bart:
How would I go about creating a half-man, half-monkey-type creature?

Mrs. Krabappel:
I'm sorry, that would be playing God.

Bart:
God-schmod, I want my monkey man.

Bart:
[trying out Milhouse's new 8-Ball] Will I pass my test today. "Outlook not so good." Hey, it does work!

Milhouse:
Let me try! Will I get beat up today? "All signs point to yes."

Nelson Muntz:
That ball knows everything! [Hits Milhouse over the head]

[while Milhouse is strangling Bart, Bart gropes around for a weapon, and breaks the magic eight-ball over Milhouse's head]

Bart:
Boy, I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming.

[Marge is told about the various skills taught by the subliminal learning program]

Marge Simpson:
Hmm, hostage negotiations...

[She has a daydream of Homer, wearing a bulletproof vest and standing next to a surrounded airplane, speaking through a megaphone]

Homer Simpson:
Listen, Tabbouleh, we're ignoring all your demands! What do you say to that?

[a hand comes out with a submachine gun and shoots Homer dead]

Marge Simpson:
Better give me the weight loss tape.

[Homer gasping for air due to being so out of shape]

Commercial Announcer:
We take eighteen ounces of sizzling ground beef, and soak it in rich, creamery butter, then we top it off with bacon, ham, and a fried egg. We call it "The Good Morning Burger".

[Homer starts gurgling in ecstasy]

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, what if I told you that you could lose weight without diet or exercise?

Homer Simpson:
I'd call you a lying scumbag, honey. Why?

Milhouse:
[re: the magic eight-ball] Hey, Bart. Was this thing right about your test?

Bart:
To those of you who doubt the power of the magic eight-ball, I say: behold my "F"!

Mrs. Krabappel:
[Mrs. Krabappel's class is watching a sex education video] She's faking.

[Homer listened to an audio cassette that promised "Lose weight while you sleep", but instead he got a vocabulary builder.]

Marge Simpson:
Has that cassette helped reduce your appetite?

Homer Simpson:
Lamentably, no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satiety.

Lisa:
Dad, what would you say if I told you that you can lose weight without dieting?

Homer:
I'd say you were a lying scumbag. Why, honey?

Troy McClure:
I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's... ''Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What''

Luann Van Houten:
Bart, I'm glad you're here. Milhouse could use a friend like you.

[Bart chuckles nervously. Later, up in Milhouse's room]

Bart:
Listen, Milhouse, I have something to confess: I'm the one who narked on your kissing.

Milhouse:
*What*?

[He tackles Bart to the floor and starts to throttle him. Milhouse's parents come in]

Luann Van Houten:
Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans!

Kirk Van Houten:
Whoa, it's a miracle!

[Smiling, they leave and close the door, as Milhouse continues strangling Bart]

Homer:
If he didn't take the money, why is he wearing those fancy clothes?

Marge:
That's what he wore to church!

Homer:
Oooooh, how convenient.

[students draw pictures in Sunday School]

Sunday School Teacher:
Ralph, Jesus did not have wheels.

[speaking about Scottish history and culture]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Now, the kilt was only for day-to-day wear. In battle, we donned a full-length ball gown covered in sequins. The idea was to blind your opponent with luxury.

Reverand Lovejoy:
[throws Bart out] Don't you ever come near my daughter again! Never have I heard such gratuitous use of the word "butt"!

Bart Simpson:
[pleading] But-but-but, but-but-but...

Helen Lovejoy:
[covering her ears] Make him stop! Make him stop!

Bart Simpson:
There's only one thing to do at a moment like this: strut!

[he walks down the street, while "Stayin' Alive" plays]

Marge:
Have you noticed any change in Bart?

Homer:
New glasses?

Marge:
No. He looks like something might be disturbing him.

Homer:
Probably misses his old glasses.

Marge:
I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities, but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.

Homer:
Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.

Marge:
That's not what I meant.

Homer:
It was, Marge. Admit it.

[Bart walks into the room looking sad]

Marge:
Do you notice something different about Bart?

Homer:
New glasses?

Marge:
No, the way he's been acting. He seems depressed.

Homer:
Probably misses his old glasses.

Homer:
To the little girl's room!

Bart Simpson:
Hi. I'm Bart Simpson. I was incredibly moved by your reading. I don't think God's words have ever sounded so plausible.

Jessica Lovejoy:
Thanks... Art. Um, I have to go over here now.

[she turns away from Bart and awkwardly faces the other direction]

Lisa Simpson:
Don't be so hard on yourself, Bart. It's not your fault Jessica doesn't like you.

Bart Simpson:
Is it my hair? My overbite? The fact that I've worn the same clothes day in day out for the last four years?

Lisa Simpson:
No, Bart. I just think you and Jessica are too different from each other to get along. She's a sweet, kind reverend's daughter and you're the devil's cabana boy.

Helen Lovejoy:
So, Bart. How's school going? Jessica always gets straight A's.

Bart Simpson:
Well, in my family grades aren't that important. It's what you *learn* that counts.

Reverand Lovejoy:
Six times five. What is it?

Bart Simpson:
Um. Actually numbers don't have much use in my future career. Olympic gold medal rocketsled champ!

Helen Lovejoy:
Hmm, I didn't know the rocketsled was an Olympic event.

Bart Simpson:
Well, no offense lady but what you don't know could fill a warehouse.

Bart Simpson:
And her hair smells like red Froot Loops.

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah, well I eat Froot Loops for breakfast!

Bart:
Lis, everyone in town is acting like me, so why does it suck?

Lisa:
It's simple, Bart. You've defined yourself as a rebel. And in the absence of a repressive milieu, your societal niche has been co-opted.

Bart:
I see.

Troy McClure:
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such self-help videos as "Smoke Yourself Thin", and "Get Confident, Stupid.".

Milhouse:
[Milouse crawls out from a tunnel of mattresses, his hand over his nose] It smells funny in there.

Homer:
No, it doesn't.

Kent Brockman:
A new mood is in the air in Springfield, as refreshing as a pre-moistened towelette. Folks are finally accepting their feelings and really communicating with no holding back. And this reporter thinks it's about *beep*ing time!

"Diamond" Joe Quimby:
By the way, this woman is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I tell you this because I am comfortable with my womanizing!

James Brown:
Hey, wait a minute. Hold on here - this bandstand wasn't double-bolted.

Homer:
Well, here we are at the Brad Goodman lecture.

Lisa:
We know, Dad.

Homer:
I just thought I'd remind everybody. After all, we did agree to attend this self-help seminar.

Bart:
What an odd thing to say...

Brad Goodman:
Okay, folks, let me hear what's troubling you. Don't be shy, yell it out. Everybody, go!

"Diamond" Joe Quimby:
I, uh, can't commit to a relationship!

Montgomery Burns:
I'm too nice!

Apu:
I have problems with ...

Lenny:
[interrupts] I'm always interrupting people!

Brad Goodman:
Right now, I want each of you to try something interesting. There's no trick to it, it's just a simple trick!

Ralph Wiggum:
[while jumping] Weee! Ouch! I bit my tongue!

Brad Goodman:
We can all learn a lot from this young man here, this... this...

Bart:
Rudiger

Brad Goodman:
Rudiger. And if we can all be more like little Rudiger

Marge Simpson:
His name is Bart

Brad Goodman:
His name isn't important!

[If this were a cartoon, the cliff would break off now]

[the Simpsons are in jail with Michael Moore, the Dixie Chicks, and Elmo]

Elmo:
Elmo go to wrong fundraiser.

Marge Simpson:
I can't count how many times your father's done something crazy like this.

Lisa Simpson:
It's 300, Mom.

Marge Simpson:
I could have sworn it was 302.

Lisa Simpson:
Shhh!

Homer:
I've been carrying this bag of sugar to represent a baby, and...

[sees he is holding a real baby]

Homer:
Wha...? Where the hell's my sugar?

[cut to Cletus and his wife with a sugar-bag in baby clothes]

Cletus:
Condoleeza-Marie ain't too peppy today.

Brandine:
And I don't remember her bein' this granulated.

Dia-Betty:
Can I put your baby in my coffee?

Cletus:
Well, the doctor said if you eat any more babies, they gonna take yer foot.

Tony Hawk:
I hope you don't mind living below a bunch of pro skaters that like to party.

Bart:
I'll adjust.

Tony Hawk:
Hey, blink-182.

Thomas DeLonge:
We have names, you know.

Tony Hawk:
Whatever. You can crank it up.

Mark Hoppus:
Dude, let's trash this place.

Travis Barker:
*After* we get paid.

Mark Hoppus:
Nice!

Marge Simpson:
[notices Homeless guy] Here's 5 dollars, go buy yourself a suit.

Bum:
[takes the money] Yeh I'll buy a suit... OF DRUGS! MUHAHAHA

Bart:
I want to be emancipated.

Homer:
Emancipated! Don't you like bein' a dude?

[TV executives want Homer for a TV ad about bald and impotent men]

Homer:
Well, I am bald and important!

Bart Simpson:
I want to be emancipated!

Homer Simpson:
Emancipated? Why do you want that? Don't you like being a dude?

Viagrogaine Announcer:
[At the end of a commercial for a combination hair restorer/penis enlarger] Possible side effects include loss of scalp and penis.

Homer Simpson:
What did it say about my scalp?

Marge:
I can't even think of how many times your father has done something crazy.

Lisa:
WAIT A MINUTE.

[pulls out a timekeeper]

Lisa:
Yup, 300 times.

Carl Carlson:
Bart was always blowing his spare cash by paying us to kiss each other.

Lenny:
Did we ever get that money?

Narrator:
But interracial homoeroticism was only chapter one of Encyclopedia Self-Destructica.

Apu:
Yes it's true, I finked on Homer. But you know he deserved it. Never before have I seen such abuse of the take-a-penny-leave-a-penny tray.

Homer Simpson:
Your favorite show was "Hollywood Hogwash", but we also loved "The Dreck Squad".

Marge Simpson:
..."The Malarkies", "Dumbing it Down"...

Lisa Simpson:
"Sheriff Low-brow".

Bart Simpson:
"Home Improvement".

Apu:
Yeah I finked on Homer but he deserved it. Never have I seen such abuse of the "Take A Penny, Leave A Penny" Tray.

Homer:
I want to set the record straight: I thought the cop was a prostitute.

Narrator:
For the Simpsons, everything was coming up roses. But those roses contained ready-to-sting bees.

Lisa Simpson:
To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones.

[camera cuts to Homer]

Homer Simpson:
That's ridiculous! How could I even get all five necessary drops into her cereal?

[pause]

Homer Simpson:
What?

Narrator:
The dream was over. Coming up: Was the dream really over? Yes, it was. Or was it?

Homer Simpson:
Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Krusty the Clown:
Homer gave me a kidney: it wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due- but I appreciated the gesture!

Homer Simpson:
And now to visit the only court I can never be in contempt of: the food court.

Treadmill Salesman:
You look like you're close to death.

Homer Simpson:
Close than you think.

Bart Simpson:
Listen, sister! You do not mess with the man in the skull t-shirt.

Shauna:
Jimbo doesn't care about me. He doesn't even notice my side braid.

Bart Simpson:
It looks cool, like two snakes trying to kill each other.

Shauna:
That's what I was going for. For a third grader, you're pretty sharp.

Bart Simpson:
Actually, I'm fourth grade, but I read at a third grade level. They say I might have problems.

Shauna:
I have something to give you.

Bart Simpson:
What can a girl possibly give... [Shauna flashes him]

Bart Simpson:
[Thinking] Oh, my God! They're just like dad's!

Homer Simpson:
She walked away, and she slammed the door. What does it mean?

Marge Simpson:
It means that I'm mad!

Homer Simpson:
That is such a first take answer.

Shauna:
That's my boyfriend. He's a total wad. Bart is not a wad. He's a dink in the way to becoming a dork.

Lisa Simpson:
Hear, hear.

Shauna:
I want to discover who I really am, and that is something only an inappropiately older man can give me.

Bart Simpson:
That is one lucky creepy guy.

Shauna:
You just got into a flame war with a teenaged girl.

Comic Book Guy:
Flame on!

Bart Simpson:
[Jimbo holds him by the ankles] It's okay, dad. He's just putting the fear of God in me.

Homer Simpson:
Carry on.

Jimbo Jones:
You have a nice evening, sir.

Marge Simpson:
Hey! We never opened that envelope to see what our free gift is.

Homer Simpson:
We didn't? That's odd. Seems like we would have done that right after we left the car place.

Marge Simpson:
I know, but we didn't.

Homer Simpson:
[reaches for the envelope] Well, here it is. So we can open it and find out now.

Marge Simpson:
Perfect!

Homer Simpson:
[opens it] Aw, movie tickets! That hardly seems worth destroying a car!

Homer Simpson:
Mel Gibson is just a guy, Marge, no different than me or Lenny.

Marge Simpson:
Were you or Lenny ever named "Sexiest Man Alive"?

Homer Simpson:
Hmmm... I'm not certain about Lenny...

Mel Gibson:
Thanks for coming, folks, and don't be afraid to be completely honest when you fill out your opinion cards. Honesty is the foundation of the movie business.

Marge Simpson:
Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey, Jr. is shooting it out with the police.

[Several police officers exchange gunfire with Robert Downey, Jr]

Bart Simpson:
I don't see any cameras.

Homer Simpson:
Ah-ah-ah! Now, here's your biggest problem of all!

Mel Gibson:
The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite!

Homer Simpson:
And it was fine for the 1930s. The country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now, in whatever year this is, the audience wants action. And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.

Homer Simpson:
Movies aren't stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon showed us that suicide is funny.

Mel Gibson:
That really wasn't my intention.

Homer Simpson:
Before Lethal Weapon 2, I never thought there could be a bomb in my toilet, but now I check every time.

Marge Simpson:
It's true. He does.

Mel Gibson:
Do movies mean that much to you, Homer?

Homer Simpson:
They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family.

[to Marge and the kids]

Homer Simpson:
No offense.

Edward Christian:
Who are you, anyway?

Homer Simpson:
Do the words "executive producer" mean anything to you?

Mel Gibson:
Executive producer?

Homer Simpson:
We'll talk.

Mel Gibson:
All in favor, say die!

Mel Gibson:
Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here. Let me pay your bus fare home.

Homer Simpson:
Uh, uh, uh. Now here's your biggest problem of all.

Mel Gibson:
The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite.

Homer Simpson:
And it was fine for the 1930s; the country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now,in whatever year this is, the audience wants action.And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.

Edward Christian:
You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than "Godfather III."

Mel Gibson:
Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back.

Homer Simpson:
Did 'Braveheart' run away? Did 'Payback' run away?

[Why he prefers the original "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington."]

Homer:
At least that Jimmy Stewart version had that giant rabbit who ran the Savings & Loan.

Mel Gibson:
John Travolta flew me over in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited until we were in the air to ask me.

Mel Gibson:
Come with me to Hollywood.

Homer:
You had me at "hello".

Mel Gibson:
I didn't say hello.

Mel Gibson:
I'm too old for this.

Homer:
How old are you, anyway?

Mel Gibson:
Well, I'm told I can play anyone from 28 to...

Homer:
Sorry I asked.

Bart:
Bart no like. Bad medicine.

Marge:
Now, I know you're all excited about meeting Aunt Selman's new boyfriend... [Homer blows air through his lips]

Patty:
But before he gets here there's something you should know about him... Something *disturbing*.

[Homer, Lisa and Bart all have thoughts in their heads about what Selma's new boyfriend is like]

Patty:
You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession about not dying alone. So in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.

Bart:
Cool, he can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.

Marge:
Now, now he's an *ex*-convict. He's paid his debt to society.

Patty:
Then how come you're not using the good silverware?

Marge:
I'm just not.

[Sideshow Bob wins an Emmy in prison]

Sideshow Bob:
This is one more Emmy than you'll ever win, you bantering jack-in-the-box!

Krusty the Clown:
Just don't drop that thing in the shower, Bob!

Sideshow Bob:
No-talent shill!

Krusty the Clown:
Second banana!

Sideshow Bob:
Panderer!

Krusty the Clown:
Bore!

Sideshow Bob:
Poor Selma, you were having such a lovely evening.

[singing]

Sideshow Bob:
And then I went and spoiled it all by doing something stupid like explode you...

[Sideshow bob is watching TV with Selma]

Man:
Thank you, Sen?or MacGyver, for saving our village.

MacGyver:
Don't thank me, thank the Moon's gravitational pull.

Selma:
That MacGyver's a genius.

Sideshow Bob:
First of all, he's not a genius, he's an actor, and second, he's not *much* of an actor.

Selma:
You're lying! You're lying!

Sideshow Bob:
No Selma, this is lying: that was a well-plotted piece of nonclaptrap that never made me want to retch.

Homer Simpson:
Gee, if some snot-nosed kid put me in jail, the first thing I'd do when I got out is find out where he lived, and tear him a new belly button!

[he mimes stabbing an imaginary kid with his steak knife]

Homer Simpson:
Lousy snitch...

[jerks the knife upward]

Homer Simpson:
YAAH!

[Bart chuckles nervously]

Sideshow Bob:
[chuckling] Mr. Simpson, you are forgetting the first two noble truths of the Buddha.

Homer Simpson:
I am not!

Homer Simpson:
To the Simpson-mobile!

Sideshow Bob:
I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies!

[laughs maniacally]

[watching TV, Bart suddenly realizes Bob's plan]

Bart:
[shoots to his feet] Aunt Selma has one hour to live!

Homer Simpson:
Hey, down in front.

Sideshow Bob:
My best-laid plans have gang agley.

Bart:
After trying four times to explain it to Homer, I explained it to Mom, and we were on our way!

Sideshow Bob:
But wait. If you saved Selma, why did the room explode?

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, I'll field that one.

[flashback:
Wiggum, Lou, Eddie, and Homer are all lighting up cigars outside the hotel room]

Chief Wiggum:
[voice-over] Me and the boys were all celebrating a job well done, when I threw my match in the vicinity of the crime scene...

[explosion]

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, right! The gas.

[At Selma's wedding reception]

Patty:
[sighs] I guess I'm the only single girl left in the family.

[Watches Homer stuff his face]

Patty:
Things could be worse.

[Hearing about Bob's fantasies of murdering him]

Bart:
Aye caramba!

Sideshow Bob:
Bart, if I'd wanted to kill you, I'd have choked you like a chicken the moment I walked through that door...

[Everyone gasps]

Sideshow Bob:
...but then, what kind of guest would I have been? [laughs]

Selma:
You tried to kill me! I want a separation!

Homer Simpson:
Look at the size of that bird. I'd go Henry VIII on those drumsticks.

Edna Krabappel:
Honey, I know you feel guilty that you cold-cocked Homer.

Ned Flanders:
Please don't say that word in bed.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Mrs. Simpson, this school does not hire bullies.

Principal Skinner:
That's right. We...

Superintendent Chalmers:
Quiet, nerd!

Ned Flanders:
I want you hit me in the eye. If you do, we'll be even according to Exodus, Leviticus and Matthew.

Homer Simpson:
So you went and hired a law firm, eh?

Dr. Hibbert:
You'll need to wear an eyepatch for a couple of weeks, but I'm afraid you might never see another 3-D movie again.

Homer Simpson:
But the storytelling is finally catching up to the technology.

Ms. Cantwell:
[to Chalmers and Skinner] You two are the worst dressed gay men I've ever met.

Edna Krabappel:
Only one way to get rid of her: the nuclear option.

Homer Simpson:
How much plutonium do you need? I must warn you, it might take me twenty minutes to get it.

Ned Flanders:
How long has it been since we prayed together, neighbor?

Homer Simpson:
This is praying? Get me out of here!

Ned Flanders:
[Dreaming of entering his own personal Hell] Was this always waiting for me, or was it put up recently? That's all I wanna know.

Ned Flanders:
Homer, I'm insisting on a fisting!

Waylon Smithers:
What's this about a fisting?

Homer Simpson:
Unions are the worst. There's this one guy at the plant. Has caused three meltdowns, and he's still working there.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, that's you.

Homer Simpson:
Oh. I say union, you say power. Union!

Marge Simpson:
[flatly] Power.

Homer Simpson:
Union!

Marge Simpson:
Power.

Homer Simpson:
[Whispers] You're a little flat on the powers, but don't worry. The union's got our backs.

Lisa Simpson:
How does someone become a bully?

Dolph:
Neglect.

Jimbo Jones:
Abuse.

Kearney:
I'm a Cubs fan.

Mr. Burns:
[Sees Homer asleep, but wearing eyepatches with eyes painted on them] Look at those wide-alert eyes. Now there's an employee with a case of the go-get'ems. [Homer snores] Listen to that lion's roar of determination.

Homer Simpson:
Don't you know the boys from Brazil are little Hitlers? I saw it in a movie whose name I can't remember.

Lisa Simpson:
Why must you fight with every utility?

Homer Simpson:
I told you. I have too much time on my hands.

Marge Simpson:
Can we have another baby?

Homer Simpson:
No way! I still haven't lost the weight I put on from the last one.

Marge Simpson:
It's awfully expensive to fly to Brazil.

Lisa Simpson:
Not if we buy our tickets on the internet. It's really cheap if we change planes in Phoenix, Honolulu, Sun City, and East St. Louis, spend the night in a haunted house, and leave right now.

Homer Simpson:
Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Brazil.

Bart Simpson:
And I'll have been on every continent.

Lisa Simpson:
Except Antarctica.

Homer Simpson:
Then it's settled. The Simpsons are going to Antarctica. [brief pause] Next year. This year, Brazil.

Homer Simpson:
Taxi!

[gets into taxi]

Kidnapper:
[points gun at Homer] My American friend, I'm afraid that this is a kidnapping.

Homer Simpson:
So that means I don't have to pay the fare?

Kidnapper:
I... I suppose.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo!

Kidnapper:
Behold... the Amazon! But quick, because we are burning it down.

Homer Simpson:
Listen, I really need a rest stop.

Kidnapper #2:
Again?

Homer Simpson:
I have a bladder the size of a Brazil nut.

Kidnapper:
Uh... We just call them nuts here.

Bart Simpson:
Time for Brazil's favorite kids' show, Teleboobies. [turns on TV]

Kidnapper #2:
I have sent the ransom note. If your family wants to see you alive again, they would be wise to pay.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I don't know. They've been seeing me alive for free for a long time.

Homer Simpson:
Hello, Flanders. I need 100 grand.

Ned Flanders:
Well, I don't really have that much, but, uh, if you need it that bad, you'll be in my prayers.

Homer Simpson:
Go suck a Bible.

Ronaldo:
I tried to write, but I didn't know what state you lived in.

Lisa Simpson:
It's a bit of a mystery, yes, but if you look at the clues, you can figure it out.

Ronaldo:
I make as much as Malcolm in the Middle, and because I have no parents, my earnings remain unstolen.

Kidnapper:
[opens suitcase full of money] Ahh, look at all that pink and purple. Our money sure is gay.

Lisa:
I'm trying to call Janey, but I can't get a dial tone.

Marge:
Your father refuses to pay the bill, so the company cut our phone lines.

Lisa:
[sighs] Why must you fight every utility?

Homer:
[annoyed] I told you, I have too much free time.

Homer Simpson:
Honey, you know I don't like it when you cry at dinner. The pork chops look traumatized, the mashed potatoes can't stand to see you cry, and the kids seem upset.

Superintendent Chalmers:
And the bad teacher coming to Springfield Elementary is... May God have mercy on our souls. Everybody pray.

Principal Skinner:
But this is a public school.

Superintendent Chalmers:
I said pray!

Homer Simpson:
An anarchic world of free expression!

Lisa Simpson:
Little cars shaped like cupcakes!

Homer Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
I'm home!

Homer Simpson:
Camping is pointless. You take a bath and dress up to drive hours to a place with no showers or laundry. What I'm trying to say is, where's Maggie?

Mr. Lassen:
[as a prison guard] All right you maggots! Lights out! You too, you degenerate freak! [to Sideshow Bob, who has a dartboard with Bart's face; Lassen sees it] You hate him too?

Sideshow Bob:
With every fiber of what's left of my being.

Mr. Lassen:
We should team up. I can get you out of here.

Sideshow Bob:
A partnership. Who gets to gut him like a pot-bellied salmon?

Mr. Lassen:
I assumed we would take turns.

Sideshow Bob:
No deal!

Homer:
Marge, you're my wife and I love you very much. But you're living in a world of make-believe. With flowers and bells and leprechauns, and magic frogs with funny little hats.

Bart:
Yeah, Mom. We got hosed!

Homer:
[slams fist on table and shouts] Bart!

Homer:
Bart, I'm not asking you to give blood for free. That would be crazy. You may not realize it now, but when you save a rich guy's life, he showers you with riches. Don't you know the story of Hercules and the Lion?

Bart:
Is it a Bible story?

Homer:
Yeah, probably. Anyway, once upon a time, there was a big, mean lion who got a thorn in his paw. All the villagers tried to pull it out, but nobody was strong enough, so they got Hercules and he used his mighty strength, and bingo. Anyway, the moral is, is that the lion was so happy, that he gave Hercules this big... thing... of riches.

Bart:
How did a lion get rich?

Homer:
It was the olden days.

Bart:
Oh.

Homer:
Hello, my name is Mr. Burns. I believe you have a letter for me.

Post Office Worker:
Okay. What's your first name, Mr. Burns?

Homer:
...I don't know.

Mr. Burns:
I could crush him like an ant, but it would be too easy. No, revenge is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until... oh, what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.

[after reading Homer's insulting letter]

Mr. Burns:
Senile, am I? Bony arms, are they? Buck-toothed, is it? Liver spots, did they? Chinless, will you?

Marge Simpson:
We got exactly what we wanted out of this: we gave an old man a second chance.

Homer:
I promised my boy one simple thing: lots of riches. And that man broke my promise!

Homer:
Marge, quick, what's my blood type?

Marge Simpson:
A-positive.

Homer:
Aw, nuts!

Lisa Simpson:
You know his blood type? How romantic!

Marge Simpson:
A mother knows everything about her family.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, yeah? What's my shoe size?

Marge Simpson:
4-B.

Bart:
How many teeth do I have?

Marge Simpson:
Sixteen permanent, eight baby.

Lisa Simpson:
Rings?

Marge Simpson:
I don't want you wearing rings, it looks cheap. But three.

Homer:
How many hairs on my head? Without looking!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Homie, you have lots of hair.

Lisa Simpson:
Earmuff?

Marge Simpson:
XM.

Bart:
Allergies?

Marge Simpson:
Butterscotch and imitation butterscotch.

Bart:
And...?

Marge Simpson:
Glow-in-the-dark monster makeup.

Bart:
Ooh, impressive.

Homer:
Save a guy's life, and what do you get? Nothing! Worse than nothing! Just a big, scary rock!

Bart:
Hey, don't knock the head, man.

Marge:
Homer, you don't do things like that to be rewarded! The moral of the story is that a good deed is its own reward!

Bart:
But we got a reward, the head is cool!

Marge:
Well, then maybe the moral is, no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer:
Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter we wouldn't have gotten anything.

Marge:
Mmmm... then I guess the moral is, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa:
Maybe there is no moral, Mom.

Homer:
Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge:
But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer:
Amen to that.

[the whole family laughs]

[looking at a giant stone head Mr. Burns has had delivered to the Simpson house]

Homer:
Marge, what does it do?

Marge:
It doesn't do anything.

Homer:
Marge, really, what does it do?

Marge:
Whatever it does, it's doing it right now.

Bart:
[about Homer's insulting letter to Mr Burns] The last place I saw it...

Homer:
Uh-huh...

Bart:
Was in my hand...

Homer:
Yeah...

Bart:
As-I-was-shoving-it-into-the-mailbox.

Homer:
[shouting] D'oh!

[upset]

Homer:
Why did you *do* that?

Bart:
Dad, there were things in the letter that had to be said. And I know you, you're an emotional guy. Just because you were mad last night, there's no guarantee you'd be mad in the morning, so I figured...

Homer:
I'll show you mad in the morning!

[starts strangling Bart]

Bart:
They always told me I was gonna destroy the family, but I never really believed it.

Lisa:
That's okay, Bart. Nobody really believed it. We were just trying to scare you.

Moe:
Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.

Bart:
Uh, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.

Moe:
Hold on, I'll check.

[calls to the bar]

Moe:
Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?

Everybody in the bar:
[snickers]

Moe:
Listen, you little puke! One of these days I'm going to catch you, and I'm going to carve my name on your back with an ice pick!

Mr. Burns:
Ah, Smithers. How did the beating go?

Smithers:
[timidly] Sir, I- there was no beating.

Mr. Burns:
What? Well, that's a hell of a thing! Why not?

Smithers:
I called it off.

Mr. Burns:
[jumps up and points a finger in rage] Judas!

[Homer is missing work, and puts a manatee in charge]

Smithers:
I believe that's a manatee posing as Homer Simpson, sir.

Homer Simpson:
Let us curl, milady. Let us throw and sweep atwain until the heavens themselves drop their jaws in wonder and envy. And afterwards there'll be beer and cocoa with marshmallows floating in the foam. And if, from now till the end of time, someone should ask what we were doing on the eve of the seventeenth of November, we shall proclaim that we were curling!

Lenny Leonard:
Date Night: It's the embalming fluid that keeps the mummy of a marriage fresh after the heart and brain have been pulled out through the nose.

Carl Carlson:
I never should've given you that Egyptology book.

Marge Simpson:
This isn't fair. I wanted romance.

Homer Simpson:
How about bromance?

Marge Simpson:
It's not the same.

Homer Simpson:
Dude!

Marge Simpson:
I'm not a dude. I'm a hottie.

Homer Simpson:
Ooh, this bromance just got interesting.

Bart Simpson:
Principal Skinner? This is bogus, man! You know the rules. You need at least two letters and a phone call before a home visit.

Seymour Skinner:
Bart, my cargo pants indicate that I'm not here on school business. I'm here on cool business, i.e. curling.

Marge Simpson:
We're going to Vancouver!

Homer Simpson:
Pack your winter coat, honey. We're going to Canada's warmest city.

Bart Simpson:
Your dressed is full of pins.

Lisa Simpson:
There is no dress. It's all pins!

Bart Simpson:
Lisa, I know all about addiction from watching dad, and the first step to recovery is to get rid of the substance. So take off your pins. All of them.

Lisa Simpson:
What is this, tough love?

Bart Simpson:
I prefer to think of if more like soft hate.

Homer:
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals... except the weasel.

[Homer, feeling behind the couch for a peanut he dropped, finds a twenty dollar bill instead]

Homer:
Oh, twenty dollars. I wanted a peanut.

Homer's Brain:
Twenty dollars can buy many peanuts.

Homer:
Explain how.

Homer's Brain:
Money can be exchanged for goods and services.

Homer:
Woo-hoo!

Bart:
Ooohh, my head.

Lisa:
The remorse of the sugar junkie.

Todd Flanders:
[after Homer's candy fantasy ends due to the tape player malfunctioning,he throws it in the ocean] Hey! I got that for my birthday!

[Bart gets involved with the Junior Campers]

Ned Flanders:
Hi-di-ly-hey, Camper Bart! You ready for today's meeting?

Bart:
[saluting] You know-dilly know it, Neddy!

Ned Flanders:
Okily-dokily!

[Homer wants to go to Moe's bar, but his driving license has been suspended]

Lisa Simpson:
Why don't you take public transportation?

Homer Simpson:
Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians.

Homer Simpson:
Let's go for a nice family walk around the block.

Lisa Simpson:
I want to amble.

Bart Simpson:
I want to saunter.

Lisa Simpson:
Amble!

Bart Simpson:
Saunter!

Lisa Simpson:
Amble!

Bart Simpson:
Saunter!

Marge Simpson:
Stop saying things!

Apu Nahasapemapetilon:
Manjula, I'm so glad you have finally forgiven me for having that affair.

[Manjula elbows him hard in the stomach]

Apu Nahasapemapetilon:
She used to elbow me in the face!

Marge Simpson:
I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does, picks up the slack.

Homer Simpson:
That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville.

Marge Simpson:
Why can't you use the local dry cleaner?

Homer Simpson:
I didn't want them to know my size!

Homer Simpson:
I have to help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy, Moe's very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe.

[Marge drives Homer, Carl and Lenny home from a strip club]

Lenny Leonard:
Can we stop for ice cream?

Carl Carlson:
Homer always stops for ice cream.

Marge Simpson:
We'll see.

Lenny Leonard:
That always means no.

Barney Gumble:
Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, can you please get me the syrup.

[Homer gets the syrup from the cupboard]

Homer Simpson:
See, before, I probably would have just driven to the syrup.

Homer Simpson:
It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this bible in my crotch.

Comic Book Guy:
I can't drive 55... because it only goes 38!

Homer Simpson:
And now to all my dear friends I say, get the hell out of my yard.

Homer Simpson:
[after getting hit by Marge's car] Oww, my feet are inside me!

George Wilson:
Simpson, you're a menace!

Martha Wilson:
Leave him alone George.

George Wilson:
Martha, I want a divorce.

Martha Wilson:
Oh thank you, you've made me so happy.

[playing Monopoly]

Lisa Simpson:
These hotels are made of LEGOs. Bart, you're cheating!

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, it was probably an accident.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, sure. You take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place.

Bart Simpson:
Who else is going to take care of her? Dad?

Homer Simpson:
Why you little...!

[Homer starts strangling Bart]

Marge Simpson:
Stop fighting!

[Marge starts strangling Homer]

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, that's not how you pry them apart.

[Lisa grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer]

Marge Simpson:
I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

Gabriel:
Homer, you're a bad man and your seed should be wiped from the earth... no offense, children.

[Homer thinks Gabriel is an angel]

Homer:
Gabriel, this is a bar where they serve beer, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia.

Gabriel:
Homer, I'm not an angel.

Homer:
Well, not with that attitude.

Lou:
Looks like another case of Monopoly related violence, chief.

Wiggum:
How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?

Homer:
I'm gonna come back with the best gift a husband can get a wife- an annulment from his secret wife.

Abe Simpson:
[to Homer] You know, I have a son about your age.

[Ginger wakes up next to Abe]

Ginger:
Wha?

Abe Simpson:
Good morning, honey.

Ginger:
Who are you?

Abe Simpson:
I'm your husband. We got married yesterday.

Ginger:
But, how? We didn't?... You know. Did we?

Abe Simpson:
You know, we almost didn't. But you wouldn't take "I can't" for an answer.

Gabriel:
So, this is your room?

Lisa:
Yes. My room is my sanctuary. My family members know that and respect that.

Bart:
[runs in] Lisa, I got sprayed by a skunk. Let me rub it off on your sweaters.

Lisa:
[takes out stress ball and starts squeezing it] Just ten more years, just ten more years, just ten more years...

Homer:
[drunk] See, the thing about my family is there are five of 'em: Marge, Bart, girl Bart, the one that doesn't talk, and the fat guy. Oh, how I loathe him.

Homer Simpson:
Okay, why are we in the woods? Is this Heaven?

Gabriel:
I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns. Marge, you medicate your family with food. Bart, you'll do anything for attention. Cut that out!

Bart Simpson:
[with a beard of bees] They chose me.

Marge Simpson:
Bart, I know this sounds crazy, but do you think you can drive a car?

Bart Simpson:
Okay, but it's my first time.

Marge Simpson:
Here's the keys.

Bart Simpson:
I got a set.

Amber:
You know, I bet you and me could be friends. I could show you how to put on makeup!

Lisa Simpson:
I'm eight years old!

Amber:
You could look seven. And I could teach you to count cards!

Bart:
Meh, I already got a system.

Homer Simpson:
Aah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.

Homer Simpson:
I don't wanna go to church. I'm too busy going crazy.

Homer Simpson:
[about Survival Games] I just want to see kids fight to the death, that's all!

Krusty the Clown:
I'm a clown, I can't afford to look ridiculous.

Homer Simpson:
Kiss my flat, plastic butt, reality!

Homer Simpson:
I wish I lived in Little Springfield, where everything fits together and no one ever gets hurt.

Bart Simpson:
Is it just me, or does something seem weird today?

Marge Simpson:
You're right. Something is very different about the Simpsons today. Your father is wearing a tie.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, that's what's different!

Lisa Simpson:
That's the one and only thing.

Homer Simpson:
[Seeing real Homer in his reflection] Marge, did you replace our regular mirror with a magical mirror from a mystical salesman at a weird shop that if we went back to find it it wouldn't be there anymore?

Lisa:
Face it, Bart, Sideshow Bob has changed.

Bart:
No he hasn't. He's more the same than ever.

Marge:
You can't ask God to kill someone.

Homer:
Yeah! You do your own dirty work.

Lisa:
Oh, it's hopeless. Utterly, utterly hopeless.

Sideshow Bob:
Oh, I see. When it's one of *my* schemes you can't foil it fast enough, but when *Cecil* tries to kill you, "it's hopeless, utterly, utterly hopeless."

[Bart and Lisa are watching Krusty's Prison Special]

Bart:
Man, those cons *love* Krusty. Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.

Lisa:
And vice-versa.

Bart:
Guess who!

Cecil Terwilliger:
Maris?

[Cecil is about to blow up Sideshow Bob and Bart]

Cecil Terwilliger:
And now to kill you. There may be a slight ringing in your ears. Fortunately, you'll be nowhere near them.

Sideshow Bob:
You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five. What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.

Cecil Terwilliger:
I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

Lisa:
Um, do you know what you're doing?

Sideshow Bob:
Lisa, you don't spend ten years as a homicidal maniac without learning a *few* things about dynamite.

Bart:
[worried about Sideshow Bob being released on parole] If only you knew what he was thinking!

[in the car]

Sideshow Bob:
[thinking] I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Cecil Terwilliger:
I forgot to mention, I'm planning to blow up the dam with you inside.

Sideshow Bob:
Well, obviously!

Cecil Terwilliger:
Now make yourself at home. Perhaps a glass of Bordeaux? I have the '82 Chateau Latour and a rather indifferent Rausan-Segla.

Sideshow Bob:
I've been in prison, Cecil. I'll be happy just as long as it doesn't taste like orange drink fermented under a radiator.

Cecil Terwilliger:
That would be the Latour, then.

Sideshow Bob:
You do know I... used to have a... [clears throat] problem... with trying to kill people?

Cecil Terwilliger:
Goodness, I had no idea! For you see, I have been on Mars for the last decade, in a cave, with my eyes shut and my fingers in my ears.

Sideshow Bob:
Touche, Cecil.

Sideshow Bob:
Wait a minute. This is all because I got to be Krusty's sidekick instead of you, isn't it?

Cecil Terwilliger:
Off the record, yes. But officially, I did it for the money!

Bart:
[worried about Sideshow Bob being released on parole] If only you knew what he was thinking!

[in the car]

Bart:
I hope they still make that shampoo I like.

Sideshow Bob:
I'm telling you Cecil, I can't take much more of this. Rustic workmen have turned the sani-john into a smoke house, coveralls that don't quite 'cover all', and a psychotic little boy who will not stop hounding me!

Sideshow Bob:
You can't do this! I saved the children's lives! I'm a hero!

Cecil Terwilliger:
[craftily] Tell them they'll live to regret this.

Sideshow Bob:
You'll live to regret this!

[realizing]

Sideshow Bob:
Oh, thanks a lot, now *I* look crazy.

[Cecil smiles smugly]

Krusty the Klown:
Free comedy tip, slick: the pie gag's only funny when the sap's got dignity - like that guy! Hey Hal, pie job for Lord Autumnbottom, there!

Cecil Terwilliger:
Sn*gger all you like, Bob...

Sideshow Bob:
Thank you, I believe I shall.

[trying to escape from Bob, Bart and Lisa run into the dam's turbine room]

Sideshow Bob:
Be careful! There's hydroelectricity in there!

Cecil Terwilliger:
I'm framing you, and doing a really excellent job, too.

Homer:
[to Bart and Lisa] I hope Bob fed you, 'cause I ate your dinners.

Cecil Terwilliger:
At last, I'm going to do what Bob never could: kill Bart Simpson!

Bart:
By throwing me off a dam? Isn't that a little crude for a genius like you?

Cecil Terwilliger:
Ooh, I suppose it is. Ehh, if anyone asks, I'll lie.

Krusty the Klown:
[spotting Sideshow Bob at his prison concert] What have you been doing with yourself, Bob?

Sideshow Bob:
Well, Krusty, as you may remember, after I tried to frame you for armed robbery, I tried to murder Selma Bouvier. Let's see... I rigged the mayoral elections, I tried to blow up Springfield with a nuclear device, and I tried to kill you.

Krusty the Klown:
[nervous laugh] Oh, yeah.

Sideshow Bob:
And, whenever I could find a spare moment, I've tried to murder Bart Simpson.

Bart:
[watching on television] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!

[Bart runs out of the room in terror]

Homer:
[calling after Bart] He said "tried"!

Sideshow Bob:
[sharing a cell with Cecil] I'm older, I get the top bunk.

Cecil Terwilliger:
Oh, poppycock, I called it at the arraignment.

[Bob pushes Cecil to the ground and lies on the bunk with a pleased smile]

Cecil Terwilliger:
[standing up, he brushes himself off] So, when do they bring us the menus?

Sideshow Bob:
Will you children stop tormenting me? I've done nothing wrong.

Bart:
Then how do you explain this? [shows Bob a suitcase full of money]

Sideshow Bob:
Where did that come from? I've never seen that money before in my life.

Lisa:
Then you must have had your eyes closed when you embezzled it!

Sideshow Bob:
I told you. I'm not a criminal anymore. Do you want to know what I've been up to? Here's a clue for you, Jack! 500 tonnes of reinforced concrete! [Bob punches the wall and it collapses, revealing nothing underneath]

Blackjack Dealer:
19.

Homer:
Hit me.

Blackjack Dealer:
20.

Homer:
Hit me.

Blackjack Dealer:
21.

Homer:
Hit me.

Blackjack Dealer:
22.

Homer:
D'oh!

Bigger Brothers Employee:
And what are your reasons for wanting a little brother?

Homer's Brain:
Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.

Homer:
Uh... revenge?

Homer's Brain:
That's it. I'm getting out of here.

Homer's Brain:
[sound effects] [step, step, step, step, step... slam]

[Bart's class is having Show and Tell]

Bart:
Someday, I want to be an F-14 pilot like my hero, Tom. He lent me this new weapon called a neural disrupter.

[Bart demonstrates the sheer power of the neural disrupter by shooting it at Martin's forehead]

Martin Prince:
Hey...

[falls down on the ground, twitching]

Mrs. Krabappel:
He's not dead, is he Bart?

Bart:
Nah, but I wouldn't give him any homework for awhile.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Very good, Bart. Thank you.

Bart:
Oh, don't thank me. Thank an unprecedented eight-year military build-up.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Mmm. Milhouse, you're next.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Uh, I have a horsey. [mimics his toy horse neighing in a slurry way which then trails off]

Nelson Muntz:
Wuss!

Pepi:
Tell me more. I want to know ALL the constellations.

Homer:
Well, that one's Jerry, the cowboy. And that big dipper-looking thing is Alan, the cowboy.

[Bart has joined the Bigger Brother program to spite Homer]

Tom:
Come on, Bart, you know you're not supposed to talk to strangers.

Homer Simpson:
For your information, I'm his father!

Tom:
[angrily] His father... the drunken gambler?

Homer Simpson:
[pleasantly] That's right. And who might you be?

Krusty the Clown:
[on TV] Hello, New York! [applause] When Lorne asked me to host this show, I said "Lorne, why me?". [laughs] I mean, I did just star in my first movie with Marvin Hagler and Tova Borgnine. [silence]

Krusty the Clown:
[trying to liven up the audience] Yeah! [the audience stares blankly at Krusty] Anyway, we got a great show for you. Well, actually, the last half-hour is a real garbage dump. Uh... We'll be right back. [intro music plays, followed by a commercial]

TV Announcer:
And now it's time for another episode of The Big Ear Family

Krusty the Clown:
[playing a character with huge ears] Honey, I'm home! Ooh, I got wax in my ears. Better clean them.

Krusty the Clown:
[to the audience] Huh? Huh? [the audience are silent except for a man coughing] Ugh, this goes on for 12 more minutes.

[about Lisa's addiction to the "Corey Hotline."]

Marge Simpson:
Oh, honey, I know how you feel. When I was a girl, I had a crush on Bobby Sherman...

[Lisa bursts out laughing]

Marge Simpson:
[annoyed] The point is, I want you to stop making these calls!

Lisa Simpson:
[serious] All right, Mom. I promise you, you will never be billed for another call.

[giggling uncontrollably]

Lisa Simpson:
Bobby Sherman?

Marge Simpson:
Mmm...

Homer:
Bart's not really mad at me.

Marge Simpson:
He called you a bad father.

Homer:
Marge, when kids these days say "bad," they mean "good." And to "shake your booty" means to wiggle one's butt. Permit me to demonstrate...

Tom:
[after dropping some starfish Homer threw at him into a tank] There you go little friends. [a passing shark eats the starfish] Do'h!

Wings Announcer:
Tonight on "Wings"... enhh, who cares?

Ralph Wiggum:
And I want a bike, and a monkey, and a friend for the monkey...

Hosey the Bear:
You're not going to set any fires, are ya?

Ralph Wiggum:
At my house, we call them uh-ohs.

Principal Skinner:
I'm afraid I'll have to expel your son

Marge Simpson:
[gasps]

Principal Skinner:
Unless you're willing to try a radical, untested, potentially dangerous...

Homer Simpson:
Candy bar?

Principal Skinner:
No. It's a new drug called Focusyn.

Marge Simpson:
A drug? I know Bart can be rambunctious, but he's not some hyperactive monster.

[Bart appears outside the window, dressed as a cheerleader]

Bart Simpson:
Gimme an F! Gimme an art!

Principal Skinner:
Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet!

Homer Simpson:
I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet.

Bart Simpson:
I don't wanna take drugs.

Homer Simpson:
Sure you do. All your favorite stars have used drugs. Brett Butler, Tim Allen...

Marge Simpson:
Tommy Lee...

Homer Simpson:
Andy Dick...

Bart Simpson:
He's just flamboyant.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, and I'm a size four.

Marge Simpson:
Hmm? [reads a note taped to her chair] "Thank you in advance for a world class meal. You're an inspiration to our entire organization. Thank you again, Bart." Oh, what a thoughtful gesture.

Bart Simpson:
Cost of paper: five cents. A mother's love: priceless.

Marge Simpson:
Aw.

Homer Simpson:
Do I get a card?

Bart Simpson:
No, but here's a book called "Chicken Soup for the Loser" that gave Bill Bruckner the courage to open a chain of laundromats.

Homer Simpson:
Hmmm... my career has kind of lost momentum.

Bart Simpson:
Joke if you will, but did you know most people use ten per cent of their brains? I am now one of them. Before, my energy was all over the place. Now, it's concentrated like a laser beam. Well, this has been terrific. Let's do it again sometime.

Lisa Simpson:
Are you standing up to get me to leave?

Bart Simpson:
It's from the book.

Lisa Simpson:
[scans the book, "The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Pre-Teens"] Hey! I'm not a Time Burglar!

Bart Simpson:
[opens electronic organizer, types as he speaks] Memo to self: Lock door.

Lisa Simpson:
All right, I'll go! You don't have to be a jerk about it.

Bart Simpson:
[typing again] Memo to self: Shut up, Lisa.

Marge Simpson:
Bart's so well-behaved now. Maybe you and I can have a night out.

Homer Simpson:
Ooh! Let's go to the water park! My ten-year ban ended yesterday.

Marge Simpson:
I was thking of something a little more... adult. [whispers]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Marge!

Marge Simpson:
And then afterwards... [whispers some more]

Homer Simpson:
Hee-hee, hee-hee! Really? With butterscotch on it?

Marge Simpson:
I think you misheard me.

Comic Book Guy:
Egad! A maniac cutting a swath of destruction! This is a job for the Green Lantern, Thundra, or possibleeee... Ghost Rider

Otto:
What about Superman?

Comic Book Guy:
Oh, please.

Principal Skinner:
Thank you for coming.

Homer Simpson:
Thank you for getting me out of work.

Bart:
Here Homer I got you this book "Chicken Soup for the Loser".

Homer:
Hmmm is it any good?

Bart:
I don't know but it inspired Bill Buckner to open a chain of Laundromats.

Lisa:
I'm so glad you're home. Bart's acting funny.

Homer:
"Ray J" funny or "O.J." funny?

[Bart is about to destroy the school with a tank]

Edna Krabappel:
[monotonous and indifferent] No, stop, think of the children.

Principal Seymour:
Fire can be our friend; whether it's toasting marshmellows, or raining down on Charlie.

[Homer and Marge have been called in to the school to talk to Principal Skinner]

Principal Skinner:
Thank you for coming.

Homer:
Thank you for getting me out of work.

[sitting in a vibrating massage chair]

Homer:
Now excuse me while I kiss the sky.

Mr. Burns:
Before you begin, let me make one thing clear to you. I want your legal advice, I even pay for it.

[building]

Mr. Burns:
But to me you're all vipers! You live on personal injury, you live on divorces, you live on pain and misery...!

[calms down]

Mr. Burns:
But I'm rambling. Anybody want any coffee?

Blue Haired Lawyer:
I'll have some coffee.

Mr. Burns:
Want it black, don't you? Black like your heart! It's so hard for me to listen to you...

[shouts]

Mr. Burns:
I hate you all so much!

[calms down]

Mr. Burns:
I'm sorry, it's my problem, I'll deal with it. Please continue.

Blue Haired Lawyer:
If you offer Mr. Simpson a token sum, say a couple of thou, he'll be so dazzled he'll sign anything you shove under his nose.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, brilliant! A cash settlement...

[shouts]

Mr. Burns:
I could have figured that out, you buttoned-down maggot!

Blue Haired Lawyer:
Do you have any cream?

Mr. Burns:
Oh yes, of course. Where are my manners?

[At the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence awards show]

Lisa:
This award is the biggest farce I've ever seen.

Bart:
What about the Emmys?

Lisa:
I stand corrected.

Homer Simpson:
Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand bucks on it, when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks.

Herb:
Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass?

Homer Simpson:
I try, but I can't.

Herb:
Lisa, aren't you happy to see me?

Lisa:
Why didn't you write, Unky Herb?

Herb:
Hey, if I wrote to you, what was I supposed to say? "Dear Lisa, last night I used a rat for a pillow, thanks to your pop?"

Lisa:
I see your point.

Herb:
[about to meet Homer again] What do I say to this guy? This is the guy who ruined me! On the other hand, he's family. So many emotions, how do I express them?

Homer Simpson:
[Opens the door and sees Herb] Herb? [Herb punches him across the face, and Homer collapses to the ground]

[Homer is moping about his broken couch]

Joe Frazier:
I know how you feel, Homer. You lost your couch. I lost the heavyweight championship.

Homer Simpson:
[scoffs] Heavyweight championship... there's like three of those! That couch was one of a kind.

Herb:
[referring to himself] How would you like to spend $2,000 to give a broken man a second chance?

Homer:
Nah.

Homer:
Alright, Herb, we'll give you the money. But you have to forgive me and treat me like a brother.

Herb:
Nope.

Homer:
Okay, then just give me the drinking bird.

Herb:
Let me show you this.

[Herb sets a drinking bird mechanism on the table]

Homer:
[amazed] It's drinking the water!

Herb:
Take it easy, Homer. Now, this device shows how a product, carefully marketed...

Homer:
This is the greatest invention in the world! You'll make a million dollars!

Herb:
No, Homer, that invention is out already. Anyway ...

Homer:
[chuckling] Heheheheh, it's going back for more!

[Herb is losing at Monopoly]

Herb:
[aggravated] That's all I got!

Homer:
[laughing] Broke again, eh Herb? Just like in real life. I guess you're just not much of a businessman.

[Herb punches Homer]

Herb:
[rings Simpsons' bell] Now, what do I do? I mean, this is the guy who ruined me. Then again, he's my brother... So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?

Homer:
[opens door] Herb.

[Herb punches him in the face]

Doctor:
This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat.

[he looks and sees Homer eating a drumstick]

Doctor:
Hey, no eating in the tank!

Homer Simpson:
Go to hell.

Bart Simpson:
[sees the line] Ay carumba! Okay, Lis, turn on the waterworks, babe.

Lisa Simpson:
[starts crying] Mommy! I want my mommy!

[using Lisa, Bart shoulders his way through the line]

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer Simpson:
No.

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer Simpson:
No.

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer Simpson:
No!

[series of dissolves, showing this continuing, ad infinitum, until Homer and Marge are in bed]

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer Simpson:
NO! NO! NO!

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
Will you take us-?

Homer Simpson:
IF I TAKE YOU, WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP AND QUIT BUGGING ME?

Bart Simpson:
Yeah!

Lisa Simpson:
Of course!

Bart Simpson:
Well?

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer Simpson:
Yes!

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
Thanks, Dad!

Krusty the Clown:
[on his TV show] So come to Mount Splashmore! I told them you would! Don't make me a liar! Let's all sing the Mount Splashmore song! I wanna go to Mount Splashmore... Take me, take me, take me there right now! Now, now, now, now, now!

[when the plant is bought by super-efficient Germans, Homer becomes terrified that he will be fired]

Horst:
Homer, could we have a word with you?

Homer:
[Nervous] No.

Horst:
I must have phrased that bad. My English is, how you say, inelegant. I meant to say, may we have a brief, friendly chat?

Homer:
Noooo!

Horst:
Once again I have failed.

Horst:
[Opens "German to English" dictionary]

Horst:
We request the pleasure of your company for a free exchange of ideas.

Homer:
NOOOOO!

[Runs away screaming]

[Rumors of a buyout at the power plant sends the employee's token stock offerings skyrocketing in value. Homer comes home]

Homer:
Sorry, Marge. I already spent it.

Marge Simpson:
On what?

Homer:
Beer.

Selma Bouvier:
Surprise, surprise.

Marge Simpson:
You spent $5,200 on beer?

Homer:
$5,200? What are you talking about?

[Marge points to the TV]

Homer:
What?

[He crouches in front of the TV, seeing the closing price of the stock he sold, and screams]

Homer:
I sold it all for 25 bucks!

[Bart kicks him in the butt, knocking his head into the TV]

Homer:
OW!

Bart Simpson:
Come on, everyone, it makes you feel better!

[after selling the plant, Burns is clearing out his office]

Montgomery Burns:
Now, Smithers, I know that you've always had your eye on this photo of Elvis and me.

Smithers:
He was so good to his mother.

Montgomery Burns:
Yes. But, you know, I couldn't understand a word that man said.

[imitating Elvis]

Montgomery Burns:
"Mr. Burns..."

[mumbling and muttering]

Montgomery Burns:
...hound dog."

Smithers:
[laughing] Stop it, you're killing me!

[practicing from a language tape title "Sycophantic German"]

Smithers:
You looken sharpen todayen, Mein Herr.

Hans:
We Germans are not a warlike people.

Horst:
Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order: [pause] Simpson, Homer. [pause] That is all.

Moe Szyslak:
Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.

Bart Simpson:
Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name Bea.

Moe Szyslak:
Uh, yeah, just a minute. I'll check. Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem? Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?

Barney Gumble:
You sure do!

Milhouse:
[auditioning to become Burns's heir] I have nothing to offer you but my love.

Mr. Burns:
I specifically said, no geeks!

Milhouse:
But my mom says I'm cool!

Nelson:
Gimme your fortune or I'll pound your withered old face in!

Mr. Burns:
Ooh, I like his energy. Put him on the callback list.

Martin Prince:
[singing] Clang, clang, clang, went the trolley / Ring, ring, ring, went the bell / Zing, Zing, Zing, went my heartstrings...

[Nelson cold-c*cks him]

Mr. Burns:
Thank you! Give the bully an extra point.

Mr. Burns:
All right, let's make this sporting, Leonard. If you can tell me why I shouldn't fire you without using the letter "e," you can keep your job.

Lenny:
Uh, okay. I'm a good... work... guy...

Mr. Burns:
You're fired.

Lenny:
But I didn't say it.

Mr. Burns:
You will.

[He pulls a lever, dropping Lenny down a trapdoor]

Lenny:
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Homer:
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

[the Simpsons hire Lionel Hutz - also advertising "expert shoe repair" to represent them in a custody battle with Burns over Bart]

Judge Snyder:
[bangs gavel] The Court rules in favor of Mr. Burns. I find he is clearly the boy's biological father!

Lionel Hutz:
[hammers a nail] Excuse me, Judge, these won't be ready until Thursday.

Marge Simpson:
[to Homer] You know, we've really got to stop hiring him.

Actor Homer:
I do not miss Bart at all.

Actor Marge:
I am glad he's gone.

Actress Lisa:
As am I.

Actor Homer:
[drops sandwich] Boh!

Bart:
It's probably my imagination but something about them didn't seem quite right.

Mr. Burns:
Really? excuse me for just a moment.

Mr. Burns:
[Mr.Burns walks from the control room out into the studio where cameras have been set up along with a fake living room of the Simpsons' place] People, that was all wrong. Homer Simpson does not say Boh! He says.

[checks script]

Mr. Burns:
Doh!

Actor Homer:
[taking off a Homer mask to reveal someone who looks suspiciously like Michael Caine] Sorry, M.B., but I'm having trouble with this character. Is he supposed to have some sort of neurological impairment, like "Rain Man" or "Awakenings"? I mean, what the hell am I doing here?

Actor Marge:
And this dialogue has none of the wit and sparkle of "Murphy Brown."

Actress Lisa:
Hey, we are really getting into golden time here.

Mr. Burns:
Yes, well, do it right, or you'll all go back to doing "Come Blow Your Horn" at the Westport Dinner Theater.

Deprogrammer:
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, your son has clearly been brainwashed by the evil and charismatic Mr. Burns.

Marge Simpson:
Are you sure you can get him back for us?

Deprogrammer:
Absolutely. I'm the one who successfully deprogrammed Jane Fonda, you know.

Marge Simpson:
What about Peter Fonda?

Deprogrammer:
Oh, that was a heartbreaker. But I did get Paul McCartney out of Wings.

Homer:
You idiot! He was the most talented one.

[a stone suddenly crashes through Burns' library glass window, landing at his feet. He picks it up]

Mr. Burns:
Oh, look. A bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

Waylon Smithers:
I think it is a rock, sir.

Mr. Burns:
We'll see what the lab has to say about that.

Homer:
[attempting to get Bart out of Burns' mansion] Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you? Well, go ahead! Do your worst!

[Mr. Burns runs an ad before a movie screening]

Mr. Burns:
Hello, I'm Montgomery Burns, and I'm searching for a suitable young heir to leave my fortune to. My vast, vast, vast, *vast* fortune. [pause] Vast.

[the audience murmurs excitedly]

[During his cinematic ad, someone offscreen whispers to Burns]

Mr. Burns:
Oh, for God's... very well. [singing and dancing] Let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, let's all go to the lobby, get ourselves some snacks!

Homer:
Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?

[a rock flies through Mr. Burns' office window]

Mr. Burns:
Look Smithers, a bird has become petrified and lost its sense of direction.

Lionel Hutz:
And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in the state. Often as a lawyer.

Mr. Burns:
Next.

[Marge fantasizes about Bart graduating from Harvard; at the commencement, Lee Majors appears next to her in the crowd]

Lee Majors:
Marge, I'm Lee Majors. Would you come away with me?

Marge Simpson:
Um... sure.

[Lee takes her in his arms, and they lift off into the sky, accompanied by a sound effect from "The Six Million Dollar Man."]

Marge Simpson:
[opens her eyes] I've got to stop fantasizing about Lee Majors... oh, one more time. [She closes her eyes, and the sound effect is heard again]

Larry Burns:
This place is emptier than a Scottish pay toilet.

Larry Burns:
It's all falling apart like a Chinese motorcycle

[in the movie "Too Many Grandmas"]

Bo Derek:
Drive faster, Grandma! Grandma's gaining on us!

Lisa:
Where's that music coming from?

Marge:
And all the liquor?

Homer:
It's a party, Marge. It doesn't have to make sense.

Ned Flanders:
Ho ho ho, suckin' down the cider, uh? Hey, word to the wise...

[shows Homer a card]

Ned Flanders:
season pass. It pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do. Now here's a little trick to help you remember. If it's clear and yella', you've got juice there, fella. If it's tangy and brown, you're in cider town. Now, there's two exceptions and it gets kinda tricky here...

Homer's Brain:
You can stay, but I'm leaving.

[Homer's brain floats away]

Ned Flanders:
...can be yellow, if they're using late season apples. And, of course, in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.

Ned Flanders:
[Homer collapses] Oh my! I'd better get you some cider!

Marge:
Careful of that apple pie on the back seat...

Grampa:
Uh-oh.

Marge:
Grampa, are you sitting on the pie?

Grampa:
I sure hope so.

Marge:
Homer, you know how I feel about hoaxes.

Montgomery Burns:
Smithers, take off my belt.

Waylon Smithers:
With pleasure, sir.

[after being corrected by Lisa on the correct pronunciation of "foliage"]

Marge:
All that gorgeous... foliage. I can't ex-cape Lisa, our little walking li-bary.

Milhouse:
It's like Speed 2, only with a bus instead of a boat!

Groundskeeper Willie:
Ach Wendel. Tis a mighty puddle of puke.

Wendell:
I'm sorry.

Groundskeeper Willie:
That's all right lad. You reminded me of why I got into this work in the first place.

Lisa:
Wow, there's a lot about bullying I didn't know.

Nelson:
Yes, there's a lot of history there. Did you know it predates agriculture?

Homer:
[kicks a Saleswoman out of the house] We don't need your high-priced safety junk!

[Maggie falls from an upstairs window. The Saleswoman catches her, and gives her to Homer]

Homer:
Oh, thank you.

Marge:
Homer, why aren't you at work? You're late.

Homer:
They said if I came in late again that I would get fired, and I can't risk that, so I'm not going.

Homer Simpson:
Mr. Burns, I've compiled list of safety recommendations for the plant.

Mr. Burns:
Well, let me throw back my legs and pollute my britches with delight.

Homer Simpson:
But the book said you'd applaud my initiative...

Mr. Burns:
What book is that? "The Ape Who Wanted a Big Bonus"? Stop wasting my time and get out of my sight, you corn-fed man-cow!

Homer:
Well, kids, it's Valentine's Day. You know what that means?

Bart:
We get to watch TV with the sound turned way up.

Lisa:
What are you and mom going to be doing?

Homer:
Oh, we're going to be upstairs, making love... ly rope ladders in case of a fire.

[Homer's reading a book about corporate success]

Homer:
Tip #1- "Live every day as if it was your last". Done and done.

[cut to Homer sitting on a curb, crying]

Homer:
I don't want to die. I'm so young.

[the Simpsons are in an office with two FBI men letting them know about going to the federal witness protection program]

FBI Man #1:
Tell you what, Mr. Simpson, from now on your name is Homer Thompson,at Terror Lake.Let's just practice a bit, hmmmm? So when I say hello Mr. Thompson, you say hi.

Homer:
Check!

FBI Man #1:
Hello, Mr. Thompson.

[Homer stares blankly]

FBI Man #1:
[pause]

FBI Man #1:
Now, remember, your name is Homer Thompson.

Homer:
I gotcha!

FBI Man #1:
Hello, Mr. Thompson.

[again Homer stares blankly]

FBI Man #1:
[FBI men stare at each other]

[hours pass by]

FBI Man #1:
[frustrated] Argh... Now when I say "Hello Mr. Thompson" and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.

Homer:
No problem.

[stepping hard on Homer's foot]

FBI Man #1:
Hello, Mr. Thompson.

[Homer stares blankly again for a few seconds]

Homer:
[whispering to the FBI man next to him] I think he's talking to you.

[FBI man gives up]

Sideshow Bob:
Now, Bart, any last requests?

Bart Simpson:
[sees a sign that says "Springfield 15 Mi" pass behind Bob, decides to buy himself some time] Well, there was one, but... Naah, forget it.

Sideshow Bob:
No, go on.

Bart Simpson:
It's just that you have such a beautiful voice...

Sideshow Bob:
Guilty as charged.

Bart Simpson:
Uh huh. Anyway, I was wondering if you could sing the entire score of the "H.M.S. Pinafore".

Sideshow Bob:
Very well, Bart. I shall send you to Heaven before I send you to hell. and a 1 and a 2 and

[singing]

Sideshow Bob:
"We sail the ocean blue, and our saucy ship's a beauty. We are sober men and true, and attentive to our duty..."

[later]

Sideshow Bob:
"I'm called Little Buttercup, poor Little Buttercup, thugh I could never tell why..."

[later]

Sideshow Bob:
..."What never?" "No never." "What never?" "Hardly ever!"

[with Bart]

Sideshow Bob, Bart Simpson:
"he's hardly ever sick at sea..."

[later]

Sideshow Bob:
"... For he himself has said it, and it's clearly to his credit, that he is an Englishman. He remai-hains ah-han Eh-heh-heh-heh-heh-hengLISHman!"

Police Chief Wiggum:
You're under arrest, Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob:
BY LUCIFER'S BEARD!

Police Chief Wiggum:
Uh... Yeah. It's a good thing you drifted by this brothel!

[after writing a death threat to Bart in blood, Bob starts writing another letter with his bleeding finger]

Sideshow Bob:
"Dear 'Life in These United States,' a funny thing happened to me...?

[as his finger bleeds freely, he sways, woozy, and collapses onto the desk]

Snake:
Use a pen, Sideshow Bob.

Marge:
[looking at Bart's collection of death threats] Hmm, this one's done in different handwriting.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, uh, I wrote that one, after Bart somehow put this tattoo on my butt.

[Homer drops his pants, revealing a "wide load" tattoo on his rear end. Everyone laughs]

Nelson:
[outside the window] Ha ha!

Bart:
But who'd want to hurt me? I'm this century's Dennis The Menace.

Homer Simpson:
It's probably the person you least suspect.

Lisa:
That's good, Dad.

Grampa:
I say we call Matlock. He'll find the culprit! It's probably that evil Gavin MacLeod or George Guberlindsey.

Bart:
Grandpa, Matlock's not real.

Grampa:
Neither are my teeth, but I can still eat corn on the cob, if someone cuts it off and smushes it into a fine paste. Now that's good eatin'!

Marge:
You awful man! Stay away from my son!

Sideshow Bob:
[menacing] Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right! Stay away... FOREVER!

Homer:
Oh, no!

Sideshow Bob:
Wait a minute. That's no good.

[walks away, then runs back]

Sideshow Bob:
Wait, I've got a good one now! Marge, say "stay away from my son" again.

Marge:
No!

Blue-Haired Lawyer:
What about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say die Bart die?

Sideshow Bob:
No, that's German

[unveils tattoo]

Sideshow Bob:
for 'The Bart The'.

Woman on Parole Board:
No one who speaks German could be an evil man.

Bart:
Take him away, boys.

Chief Wiggum:
Hey, I'm the chief here. Bake him away, toys.

Lou:
What'd you say, Chief?

Chief Wiggum:
Do what the kid says.

[getting death threat letters has made Bart paranoid on his way to school]

Marge:
[menacingly, with large scissors] Bart... I'm going to GET you...

[brightly, clipping coupons]

Marge:
...some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola.

[Bart walks down the street]

Ned Flanders:
[menacingly, wearing a Freddy Kruger razor glove] Say your prayers, Simpson...

[brightly]

Ned Flanders:
...because the schools can't force you like they should.

[to Maude]

Ned Flanders:
Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church.

[Bart enters class]

Mrs. Krabappel:
[menacingly] You're going to be my murder victim, Bart...

[brightly]

Mrs. Krabappel:
...in our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy.

[Martin is wearing a dress and a wig, wielding an axe]

Martin Prince:
Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart.

Lisa:
Hey, a letter from my pen-pal, Anya.

Anya:
[reading, Anya narrates] Dear Lisa, as I write this, I am very sad. Our President has been overthrown and...

[Voice changes]

General Krull:
...replaced, by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull, and his glorious regime. Sincerly... little girl.

Announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Up Late With McBain! I'm your host, Corporal Obengruppenfuhrer Wolfcastle. And now, here's McBain!

[McBain walks out on stage]

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Ja, thank you, ja. Let's hear it for my music guy, Skoey. That's some outfit, Skoey. It makes you look like a homosexual.

[audience boos]

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Well, maybe you all are homosexuals, too.

[audience boos]

Selma:
Sideshow Bob tried to kill me on our honeymoon.

Blue-Haired Lawyer:
How many people in this court are thinking of killing her right now?

[a few people raise their hands]

Blue-Haired Lawyer:
Be honest...

[everyone raises their hand; a man gasps when he notices Patty]

Patty:
Ah, she's always leaving the toilet seat up.

[Homer receives a death threat letter written in blood]

Homer:
Oh my God! Someone's trying to kill me! Oh, wait, it's for Bart.

Lisa:
[Lisa thinks she might know who's been threatening Bart] Who's someone you've been making irritating phone calls to for years?

Bart Simpson:
Linda Lavin?

Lisa:
No, someone who *didn't* deserve it.

[Sideshow Bob ties up the rest of the Simpsons, then goes to Bart's room to kill him. All of the Simpsons struggle against their bonds except Homer, who is snoring and drooling on the deck]

Lisa:
Oh, no! Dad's been drugged!

Marge:
[annoyed] No, he hasn't.

Radio DJ:
All right, this next song is dedicated to Bart Simpson, with the message "I am coming to kill you slowly and painfully."

[Wipe Out begins playing]

Blue-Haired Lawyer:
Robert, if released, would you pose any threat to one Bart Simpson?

Sideshow Bob:
Bart Simpson?

[chuckles]

Sideshow Bob:
The spirited little scamp who twice foiled my evil schemes and sent me to this dank, urine-soaked hellhole?

Parole Board Officer:
Uh, we object to the term "urine-soaked hellhole", when you could have said "pee-pee soaked heckhole."

Sideshow Bob:
Cheerfully withdrawn.

[Bart has difficulty sleeping, his bedroom door opens, a sharp knife appears and man charges into the room casting a scary shadow on the ceiling]

Homer:
[holding a large knife upside-down] BARTYOUWANTSOMEBROWNIEBEFOREYOUGOTOBED?

Bart Simpson:
[screames] AAAAAHHHHH!

Homer:
[kneels down and scary shadow disappears] Come on, let me cut you a brownie while they're still hot.

Bart Simpson:
[as Homer cuts the brownies] Dad, I'm kinda edgy right now. I'd appreciate you not coming into my room screaming and brandishing the butcher knife.

Homer:
[stops cutting the brownies] Why? [Homer looks at the large knife he is holding] Oh, right. The *Sideshow Bob* thing, oh I'm sorry boy. [Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room. Seconds later, Homer bursts into the room again wearing a white hockey mask and holding a switched on electric chainsaw, which he holds up] BARTYOUWANTTOSEEMYNEWCHAINSAWANDHOCKEYMASK?

Bart Simpson:
[screams louder] AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Homer:
[turning off the chainsaw and lifting the hockey mask] Oh, sorry. What am I thinking?

[Homer kisses Bart and leaves the room]

[last lines]

Marge:
[as the car pulls up in front of the house] It's so good to be home again.

Grampa Simpson:
[who has somehow become a woman complete with long hair and lipstick, rushes towards the car] Look what happened without my pills!

Marge:
[gasps] Bart! Run upstairs get Grampa's mecedine!

Jasper Beardly:
[appears, dressed in his finest] Not so fast.

[Jasper takes his hat off and takes out a bunch of flowers and hands them to Abe]

Jasper Beardly:
I wanna court this fair young maiden.

[the screen fades out in a heart shape and the credits roll]

Grampa Simpson:
[to Jasper] There's something you should know about me.

Jasper Beardly:
I've got Steve and Edie tickets.

Grampa Simpson:
I'm all yours.

[Abe kisses Jasper]

[alternate ending]

Jasper Beardly:
[appears dressed in his finest] Not so fast.

[Jasper takes his hat off and offers a bunch of flowers to Abe]

Jasper Beardly:
Hey, wait till the canoe.

[Abe and Jasper are in a canoe sailing down the river]

Jasper Beardly:
[singing] It won't be a stylish marriage.

Grampa Simpson:
[singing] We can't afford a carriage.

Jasper Beardly:
[singing] But you'll look sweet.

Jasper Beardly:
[singing] Upon the seat

Jasper Beardly, Grampa Simpson:
[singing] of a bycicle build for two. Of a bycicle build for two.

Chief Wiggum:
Sideshow Bob has no decency. He called me Chief Piggum!

[everybody in court house laughs]

Chief Wiggum:
Oh wait, I get it, he's all right.

Homer:
Hey, kids! Want to drive through that cactus patch?

Bart:
Yeah!

Lisa:
Yeah!

Sideshow Bob:
[underneath car] No!

Homer:
Well, two against one!

[drives through cactus field]

Sideshow Bob:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

[Bart sneaks into the "adult video" section, discovering it's really BBC mini-series/Merchant-Ivory films]

Moe:
Oh yeah. Brideshead's gonna get revisited tonight, baby!

[Bart changes channels at the very end of Love Story]

Bart Simpson:
Lisa made me do it! She used a witch's spell!

Lisa Simpson:
It's called Wicca and it's empowering!

Bart Simpson:
Wicca's just a Hollywood fad!

Lisa Simpson:
You're thinking of Kabbalah, you jerk!

Homer:
[jumping on a bouncing castle] This must be what it's like in space.

Marge:
You've been to space.

Homer:
And yet, I've never been to me.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, dinks. Whatcha dweebing?

Judge Constance Harm:
Homer Simpson, for causing a panic in a bank, I hereby sentence you to 100 hours of community service.

Homer Simpson:
Community service? But... that's work! What about jail?

Judge Constance Harm:
[Pounds gavel] Community service!

Homer Simpson:
No! Please send me to jail! Free meals! Teardrop tattoos! Library books that come to you! I'll serve anything but the community!

Chief Wiggum:
Whatcha got there, Simpson?

Homer Simpson:
Just my lunch. Roast beef parm, meatball parm, eggplant parm, moo goo gai parm, my wife can parm anything.

Chief Wiggum:
My wife only parms for me on my birthday, and that's only if I give her the sad puppy face look.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, he likes me! Officer up! Officer way up!

Principal Skinner:
Mrs. Simpson, your son Bart is what we educators call a nogoodnik, but lately, things have taken a sinister turn.

Superintendent Chalmers:
We fear your son may be dealing drugs.

Marge Simpson:
Dealing drugs? But that's impossible! He doesn't have the math skills!

Chief Wiggum:
Do you ever stop breathing in your sleep?

Homer Simpson:
Sometimes. They say it's because I'm overweight.

Chief Wiggum:
What, you? No way! Now me, I'm overweight. My underwear has to be made specially at a factory in the Ukraine. They call me Daddy Round-Round. They send me a postcard every year. [Shows postcard of villagers standing inside underwear]

Homer Simpson:
That is some big underwear.

Chief Wiggum:
I paid for their water distilation plant.

Bart Simpson:
[Watching Marge ransack his room] Mom, finally! You made my room cool!

Marge Simpson:
Bart, are you a druggo?

Bart Simpson:
A druggo? No way! Not until you raise my allowance.

Bart Simpson:
Come on, toilet. If you can handle Dad, you can handle anything.

Chief Wiggum:
I'm just glad we got to be friends again. You know, before we got whacked.

Homer Simpson:
We're not getting whacked, because you're Chief Wiggum.

Chief Wiggum:
You really have that much faith in me?

Homer Simpson:
Faith is for things that don't exist. Your awesomeness is real.

Fat Tony:
Play some onminous music, so that our trip to the body dumpery might be more cinematic.

Louie:
You got it, boss.

[radio plays "At Seventeen" by Janis Ian]

Fat Tony:
That sounds like your Folk Divas CD.

Ned Flanders:
I'm going to a Christian rock concert.

[holds up two tickets reading "Chris Rock in Concert"]

Ned Flanders:
It's gonna be one wholesome evening!

Homer:
[playing basketball] You da man Carl! I believe you can fly!

Carl:
You know I'm so sick of peope thinking I'm good at basketball just cause I'm African-American.

Carl:
[Carl slam-dunks the ball; breaking the backboard] Go Carl! Go Carl! It's ma birthday! It's ma birthday! 3P you got mail baby!

Lisa:
So many times we've watched our father go under the knife.

Marge:
One more and I get a free hysterectomy!

Ralph Wiggum:
Where are we going, Mr. Simpson?

Homer:
I'll tell you where we're NOT going: jail!

Milhouse:
Then you'd better turn.

Homer:
[Homer realises that he's driving to jail, screams and turns]

[after Homer drove the van into a tree]

Arnie Pie:
He's jumping out of the car, Kent. He's trying to climb over the fence. He's realizing he's too fat. He's digging a hole like a dog! Now he's giving up on that and he's running back and forth. He's climbing into a pipe and he appears to be stuck. His legs are dangling in a comical fashion. Oh, it's the saddest thing I've ever seen!

Kent Brockman:
Arnie, how are the *children*?

Arnie Pie:
[irritated] I can't see through *metal*, Kent.

Bill Cosby:
[On "Kids Say the Darnedest Things"] Now my good man, what do you like to play?

Kid:
Pok?mon!

Bill Cosby:
Pok?mon? Boogieman with the pokey and the man and the eight with the guy comes out and there's a thing, [puts down his mic and walks away from his stool] and he barks the frr out of that... [starts sounding nonsensical with his hands near his ears]

[an African American man dressed like a Gangsta rapper stops Bart in the hallway]

Man:
Hey, this class is aces. You go from 'slopper' to 'proper' like.

Bart:
Cool.

[Rushes into the room where an old lady is teaching an etiquette class]

Old Lady:
The proper gentlemen...

Bart:
Etiquette class? But the guy outside said...

Old Lady:
Are you accusing my husband of *misleading* you? Good gracious. I should bust a cap in your ass.

Homer:
My kids wear these hearts to remind them they are always loved.

Man:
Aww. Did you make them yourself?

Homer:
Yes. Through the magic of caring.

Lisa:
[Bart and Lisa are seen in the garage, making the hearts] Night will come soon.

Marge Simpson:
I hear the language on these roasts gets a little... B-L-U-E.

Homer Simpson:
Huh? [Marge points at hair] Oh!

Jeff Ross:
Krusty is to comedy what Martin Luther King is to comedy.

Krusty the Clown:
I'm a sad, tragic clown, like what's-his-name... Liberace.

Krusty the Clown:
[Watching an Itchy and Scratchy cartoon] Oh, my God! Who's responsible for this monstrosity? [an "Executive Produced by Krusty the Clown" title appears]

Krusty the Clown:
[On video] I did everything!

Homer Simpson:
Honey, you can't insulate me from life. I could live for a hundred years or get hit by a bus tomorrow. That's why I never plan more than four seconds ahead.

Homer Simpson:
[drunkenly gets into his car and fumbles with the key] I'm in no condition to drive... wait! I shouldn't listen to myself! I'm drunk!

Redneck 1:
Let's fight.

Redneck 2:
Them's fightin' words.

Homer:
Lurleen, wait.

Lurleen Lumpkin:
Yeah?

Homer:
I just wanted to say your song touched me deeply in a way I've never felt before... and which way to the can?

Lurleen Lumpkin:
You know, no man's ever been nice to me without wanting something in return.

Homer:
Well, I was going to ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel guilty about it.

Homer:
Marge, it takes two to lie - one to lie, and one to listen.

Marge:
What does *that* mean?

Homer:
Marge, you're standing in the way of my boyhood dream of managing a beautiful country singer.

Marge:
Your boyhood dream was to eat the world's biggest hoagie, and you did it at the county fair last year, remember?

Lurleen Lumpkin:
You're just a big sack of sugar.

Homer:
Thanks!... You did say "sugar," right?

Homer:
Do you have your songs on a CD?

Lurleen Lumpkin:
Sorry. Al my songs are up here. [referring to her head] "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears", "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It", "I'm Sick of Your Lyin' Lips and False Teeth".

Homer Simpson:
I share your xylophobia!

Lisa Simpson:
No, Dad, you mean "xenophobia". Xylophobia would be the fear of xylophones.

Homer Simpson:
I *am* afraid of xylophones. It's the music you hear when skeletons are dancing!

Krusty's Agent:
It turns out the Krustyburger is the most unhealthy fast food item ever.

Krusty the Clown:
Even worse than the Double Krustyburger?

Krusty's Agent:
Apparently, yes.

Homer Simpson:
[eating a Mother Nature Burger] I'm saving the planet! Where's my Nobel Prize?

Milhouse:
Minnesota Vikings apparel? This is Tennessee Titans territory!

Marge Simpson:
Look, Maggie. We have a nanny, just like Joe Piscopo and Ethan Hawke left their wives for.

Marge Simpson:
You lost your job?

Homer Simpson:
It's not my fault! Those barleyjacks filled me up with their liqueurs and liquors, but mostly the liqueurs.

Kent Brockman:
So. you're guaranteeing it's safe to eat Ogdenville barley once more?

Ogdenville farmer:
Well, where there's barley, there's rats, you know? Now, when will you be starting the interview?

Kent Brockman:
That just went out live.

Ogdenville farmer:
Well, then we're screwed.

Superintendent Chalmers:
[weakly] Skinner! If I die, I want you to take over...

Principal Seymour Skinner:
[pleasantly surprised] Really?

Superintendent Chalmers:
...the search committee for a new superintendent.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
[shakes head dejectedly] Mmm...

Superintendent Chalmers:
Just hold my head and say soothing things. [lies down with head on Principal Skinner's leg]

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Third grade math scores are holding steady. [rubs Superintendent Chalmers' head]

Superintendent Chalmers:
[contentedly] Aah, yes.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, are you sure you can put in these new rain gutters all by yourself?

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, maybe you're right. I do have a bad history of going up on roofs and waking up in hospitals.

Bart Simpson:
Mom says I can have ice cream for breakfast. Oh, she's still here. Mom, can I have ice cream for breakfast?

Marge Simpson:
No way, mister! It's just chocolate chip pancakes and syrup for you.

Homer Simpson:
And that's the terrifying tale of how the Quebec Nordiques became...

[menacing voice]

Homer Simpson:
...the Colorado Avalanche.

Homer Simpson:
I'm not jealous, I'm envious. Jealousy is when you worry someone will take what you have. Envy is wanting what someone else has. What I feel is envy.

Lisa Simpson:
[Checking into a dictionary] Wow, he's right.

Lisa Simpson:
[At the outlet stores] Look at all these monstrosities.

Homer Simpson:
Honey, what did I tell you about worshiping our corporate overlords?

Lisa:
Why do you listen to this magazine? It's a Larry Flint publication.

Marge:
Lisa, stop reading mastheads.

Lisa:
I can't. I won't!

Homer:
Aw, I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?

Bart:
Why am I sleeping, when next door is every kid's dream? A fat, easily susceptible zombie dad.

[Homer is under the effects of a sleeping pill]

Bart:
Hey, zombie. Want to come outside and play?

Homer:
Zombie kill.

Bart:
No, play.

Homer:
Zombie file grievance.

Homer:
I can't wait for my first fire. Is that one?

Lisa:
That's just someone barbecueing.

Homer:
Oh. Is that one?

Bart:
That's just a guy with red hair.

Homer:
Oh.

Lisa:
I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien... I mean Nappien.

Homer:
Marge, when next you see me, I'll be a soggy, smokey hero. Mmm. Soggy, smokey hero.

Marge:
Just come back alive, okay?

Homer:
Don't tell me how to do my job.

Homer:
[after the dog gives Maggie his squeaky toy] Good job, boy. As a reward, we're going to treat your heart murmur, and not just see how it goes.

Marge:
I'm sorry, Maggie, but growing up means giving up the things you love.

Grampa:
It's true. I had to give up everything but raisins, and the doctor says even those are killing me. Sweet, plump coffin nails they are.

Homer:
We're not thieves. We're scavengers. Like the beautiful vulture, the heroic tapeworm, and America's sweetheart, the maggot.

Todd Flanders:
Mr. Simpson, why did you hurt the dollies?

Homer:
Well, son, your uncle Homer is like 80% of Americans: hopped up on prescription drugs.

Rod Flanders:
But users are losers.

Homer:
You're confusing drugs with "druuuugs!"

Mayor Quimby:
Your sense of civic duty, and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are the only training you need or shall ever receive.

Homer:
Are you a travel agent? Because you're sending me on a guilt trip.

Homer:
Look at me! I'm stealing five Segways at once. And speaking of segueways, I'm off to my next morally questionable activity.

Bart:
And that's just one of the many fun things we can do.

Homer:
Zombie montage.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, what the heck is your middle name, anyway?

Homer Simpson:
You know, I have no idea! Hey, Dad, what does the "J" stand for?

Grampa Simpson:
How should I know? It was your mother's job to name you, and love you and such. I was mainly in it for the spanking.

Homer Simpson:
But I can't ask Mom, she's on the run from the law!

Grampa Simpson:
Serves her right for being a sixties radical! Though she was a demon in the sack! [giggles]

Seth:
You know Homer, your Mom was a pretty groovy chick.

Munchie:
And a demon in the sack!

[Seth and Munchie laugh]

Grampa Simpson:
Oh, you heard about that, eh? [laughs]

Grampa Simpson:
Hmm... I know where we might find your missing moniker. It's a bit of a drive, but on the way, we can have a nice father-son chat

Homer Simpson:
Great! I'll go shoot myself for bringing this up.

Seth:
We used to have a bus.

Munchie:
In a way, the sixties ended the day we sold it. December thirty-first, 1969.

Homer Simpson:
You may crush our bodies and our ponchos, but you'll never silence our song of protest! [sings] "Uptown Girl, she's been living in her white-bread world..."

Young Homer:
How could you let me turn into YOU?

Homer Simpson:
But, but, but, but... the poncho...

Young Homer:
[mimicking] "Buh, buh, buh, buh, the poncho!" Hit the road, square!

Homer Simpson:
Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Lord...

Homer Simpson:
What's in your brand-new bag, momma?

Marge Simpson:
Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?

Homer Simpson:
Marge, not in front of the hippies!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, do you mind? Your feet are really close to my potato.

Homer Simpson:
Your potato? You can't, like, own a potato, man. It's one of Mother Earth's creatures. [he burps]

Marge Simpson:
Homer! Excuse yourself!

Homer Simpson:
No way, narc! Bodily functions are a natural thing.

Bart Simpson:
Not to mention hilarious.

Marge Simpson:
You know, I really don't appreciate being called a narc. And that poncho is filthy! Let me dry-clean it for you.

Homer Simpson:
Why do you have to turn everything into one big plastic hassle? Marge, you've got too many hang-ups. Like the whole shaving trip. Come on, I want to see those legs all furry and gross!

Marge Simpson:
That ain't gonna happen, bub.

Homer Simpson:
Well, at least lose the bra. Free the Springfield Two, Marge! Free the Springfield Two!

Hippie Chick 1:
Oh, Homer J., how do you keep your hair so rich and full?

Homer Simpson:
Lather, rinse, and repeat. Always repeat.

Hippie Chick 2:
Homer J., will you teach us to make love?

[back to reality]

Homer Simpson:
Wow. I could have lived like that?

Montgomery Burns:
Ah, lunchtime! Well, let's see what I've packed for myself today. One bullion cube... one Concord grape... one Philly cheese-steak... and a jar of garlic pickles! No one will want to kiss me after these, eh, Smithers?

Waylon Smithers:
Well, it's their loss, sir.

Montgomery Burns:
[laughs uneasily] Yes.

Chief Wiggum:
OK, boys, set your night sticks on "whomp."

Lou:
[twirling his night stick] Er, chief? Mine's stuck on "twirl."

Homer Simpson:
Hear ye, hear ye! The intergalactic jester proclaims this conformity factory closed!

[Kids cheer and burst out of the school]

Principal Seymour Skinner:
15 years of loyal service and this is how they tell me? A jester with an invisible proclamation?

Homer Simpson:
I guess the juice business is more important than the ideals our hippie forefathers refused to go to war and die for.

Homer Simpson:
Have no fear, the Cosmic Fool is here, to blow the lid off your conformist button-down world!

Lisa Simpson:
[the Family is at the hospital with Homer having a stem of a flower sticking out of his forehead] Are you gonna remove the flower?

Dr. Hibbert:
[laughs] I'm a doctor, not a gardener.

Homer Simpson:
Well, can you at least cut the leaves off so I can watch T.V.?

Dr. Hibbert:
[Sternly] What did I just say?

Homer:
Never fear. The cosmic fool is here.

[Homer is in a car with hippies Seth and Munchie. Marge is walking down the street]

Homer:
Hi Marge. We're freaking out squares.

Marge:
Oh, Lord...

Homer:
What's in your brand new bag, momma?

Marge:
Oh, it's that pair of Dockers you wanted. Forty-eight waist with the balloon seat, right?

Homer:
[panicking] Marge, not in front of the hippies.

[Seth and Munchie laugh]

Chief Wiggum:
[speaking on megaphone] Attention hippies. Come out peacefully so we can smash your drug mill and all your worldly possessions.

[Homer has to write his full name on an application form but he doesn't know what his middle initial stands for]

Bart:
Uh, so Dad, regarding that form, why not just make up a middle name?

Lisa:
You might as well. You already made up a phony film credit.

Homer:
No. Homer Simpson does not lie twice on the same form. He never has and he never will.

Marge:
You lied dozens of times on our mortgage application.

Homer:
Yeah, but they were all part of a single ball of lies. The point is, I'm a grown man, and I deserve a middle name.

Homer Simpson:
How many times must I say I'm sorry?

Marge Simpson:
You haven't said you're sorry.

Homer Simpson:
I know. I was hoping the number would be zero.

Sylvia:
My horoscope told me I would meet the man of my dreams today.

Homer Simpson:
Well, a horoscope wouldn't lie to a pretty lady.

Sylvia:
You want to go limbo?

Homer Simpson:
You mean the dance, or the place where unbaptized babies go? Either way, I'm in.

Homer Simpson:
Here we are.

Bart Simpson:
A log cabin? What am I, Davy Crockett? - Also, who's Davy Crockett?

Homer Simpson:
Kids, this place has very special memories for your mother and me.

Bart Simpson:
Well, leaving right now will become a special memory for me! [Lisa chuckles]

Marge Simpson:
[sing-song] They have a pedal car.

Bart Simpson:
[sing-song] Pedal cars suck.

Lisa Simpson:
[sing-song] They're worse than walking.

Homer Simpson:
[sing-song, to Lisa] I'll put a hundred bucks in your college fund.

Lisa Simpson:
[sing-song] I'll take ten bucks now!

Homer Simpson:
[sing-song] I'll steal it back when you're sleeping! [gives Bart and Lisa $10 each]

Bart Simpson:
Hey, knock it off back there.

Homer Simpson:
But we're married.

Bart Simpson:
All right, but keep it PG.

Homer Simpson:
How about R?

Bart Simpson:
PG-13.

Homer Simpson:
Whoo-hoo! Adult situations!

Patty Bouvier:
I can't believe Homer ruined another family picnic.

Homer Simpson:
[offended] Hey! Everybody pees in the pool!

Selma Bouvier:
Not from the diving board!

Homer Simpson:
I never thought I'd say this, but... [mumbling to himself]... stupid Flanders.

Homer Simpson:
[In a flashback to before they were married, Ned won't let Homer sleep with Marge] But I have urges!

Ned Flanders:
That's just your trouser devil talking.

Homer Simpson:
He's not talking, he's yelling!

Bart Simpson:
I'm cuckoo for killing things.

Ned Flanders:
Not married? And you were riding two abreast?

Homer Simpson:
I wish! We were riding to a lake.

Homer Simpson:
Just call me Borders Books, because I'll be here forever.

Homer Simpson:
I've only had three good ideas in my life: marrying your mother, using a hot-dog as a straw, and taking her on that train ride on our first anniversary.

Marge Simpson:
I just gave all my personal information to this website!

Selma Bouvier:
Now you're gonna be hit on by every loser in town.

Patty Bouvier:
And this town has losers like Mexico has headless corpses.

Marge Simpson:
He can't remember our wedding anniversary, but he remembers how many pork chops are on the freezer.

Homer Simpson:
[Taking a pork chop from the freezer] Currently, zero.

Marge Simpson:
I bet Homer is in that bar getting hammered. [Cut to Homer at Moe's working on the train; Barney accidentally hits his thumb with a hammer]

Homer Simpson:
Ow! All worth it for Marge.

Homer Simpson:
I've been working on the railroad, all the live-long day...

Marge Simpson:
Why are you singing that song?

Homer Simpson:
Because it's on the public domain?

Bart Simpson:
Mom! Lisa made me break that lamp!

Lisa Simpson:
Mom! Bart is twisting the truth in an Orwellian fashion!

Marge Simpson:
Can't I go a whole day without you two tattling on each other or using obscure references?

Lisa Simpson:
Orwell, obscure? The author of Animal Farm?

Bart Simpson:
Grampa said he was a Commie.

Marge Simpson:
No tattling!

Homer Simpson:
Do you think we'll last another 25 years?

Bart Simpson:
[Looks at camera] Nothing should.

Ramona:
So you're the maneater Hall and Oates warned us about?

Homer Simpson:
Hall and Oates? What's going on here?

Ramona:
Your wife and my husband have been watching British television together.

Homer Simpson:
[Grabs Ben by the lapels] Serious drama or naughty comedy?

Marge Simpson:
Drama! Drama!

Homer Simpson:
You just dodged a bullet, sugar lips.

[first lines]

Marge Simpson:
Our first year as a married couple and we're still in love.

Homer Simpson:
In your face, those who said we couldn't last a year!

Grampa:
I stand by my wedding toast!

Mr. Burns:
Yes, feel the weightless tickle of justice!

Lisa Simpson:
You know, if you want to be seen as a super-hero, maybe you shouldn't tent your fingers like that.

Mr. Burns:
How about this?

Lisa Simpson:
Maybe if you wrap them behind your head.

Mr. Burns:
How about I wrap them around your gabby little throat?

Lisa Simpson:
Tenting, tenting. Back to the tenting.

Abraham Simpson:
Did you know I once argued in front of the Supreme Court?

Lisa Simpson:
No.

Bart Simpson:
Don't think so.

Abraham Simpson:
Not a chance! I mean, yes.

Smithers:
Shouldn't we call the police?

Mr. Burns:
Every last one is on the take. And I should know, I'm the one on the give.

Bart Simpson:
Who plays chess over the mail when you can play it on the internet; or better yet, not play chess at all?

Kent Brockman:
This town has been hit by a plague... a blue bonnet plague. Easter time is here, and everyone is dressed up to celebrate the resurrection of... [Looks at notes]... Jesus Christ.

Ralph Wiggum:
Field day! I can go cuckoo, and no one can stop me!

Janet Reno:
George W. Bush said the exact same thing at his inaguration. Not everyone remembers that.

Bart Simpson:
And every night the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

Nelson:
How many monkey butlers will there be?

Bart Simpson:
One at first, but he'll train others.

[last lines]

Narrator:
So the children learned how to function as a society, and eventually they were rescued by, oh, let's say... Moe.

Homer Simpson:
Welcome to the internet, my friend, how can I help you?

Comic Book Guy:
I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring ethernet LAN configuration?

Homer Simpson:
[stares blankly for a few seconds] Can I have some money now?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, they have the internet on computers now!

Principal Skinner:
Okay, delegates, you leave tomorrow for the statewide Model U.N., so this is our last chance to bone up. And bone we will!

[all the kids, except Lisa, laugh]

Bart Simpson:
Lighten up, Lise.

Principal Skinner:
Finland, let's see that native dance. [Martin gets up and begins dancing] Smile more. Work that pelvis. No, too much smile. Sit down. [Martin sits down] Poland, tell us about your nation's achievements

Milhouse Van Houten:
Well, uh, I heard they sent a rocket to the sun once... at night! And there was that submarine, with the screen doors...

Principal Skinner:
No, no, no, no, no. Young man, you need to do some serious boning!

[only Lisa laughs]

Bart Simpson:
Oh, grow up, Lise.

Homer Simpson:
[on the phone] Uh, can't make it in today, Mr. Smithers. I have smallpox. Well, it wasn't wiped out in my house!

Principal Skinner:
Order! Order! Do you kids wanna be like the real U.N., or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Chief Wiggum:
Good luck, Ralphy. If your nose starts bleeding, it means you're picking it too much. Or not enough.

Homer Simpson:
[reading an envelope in his mailbox] "Flancrest Enterprizses"?

Ned Flanders:
Oops. That's for me. Flancrest Enterprises is my home business,

Homer Simpson:
You liar! You don't have a home business! Why would you make up a lie like that?

Ned Flanders:
No, it's true. Maude and I sell religious hook rugs over the internet.

Homer Simpson:
Internet, eh?

Ned Flanders:
Yes, indeedy. Making some good scratch too.

Homer Simpson:
Scratch, eh?

Ned Flanders:
Yep.

Homer Simpson:
Maude, eh?

Marge Simpson:
What exactly is it your company does again?

Homer Simpson:
This industry moves so fast it's really hard to tell. That's why I need a name that's cutting-edge, like CutCo, EdgeCom, Interslice. Come on, Marge, you're good at these! Help me out!

Marge Simpson:
How about... Compuglobalhypermeganet?

Homer Simpson:
Fine, it's not important. What really matters is my title. I think I'll make myself... vice president. No, wait! Junior vice president!

Principal Skinner:
Okay, kids. Otto's in charge! Remember, Otto. We're trusting you with our greatest natural resource... the school bus.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I can't go on, you two go ahead... and carry me with you!

[Bart has just described the island paradise he envisages]

Nelson:
How many monkey butlers will there be?

Bart:
One at first. But he'll train others.

[Homer is using butter as a pencil holder]

Marge:
Is that my butter?

Homer:
Can't talk - taking another delicious memo.

[Licks tip of pencil as if about to write]

Homer:
Mmmmm... memo.

Lisa:
All we found were these oozing berries, and they look pretty poisonous.

Ralph:
I ated the purple berries... oooh, oohh

[falls to ground]

Ralph:
ooohhh.

Lisa:
How are they Ralph? Good?

Ralph:
They taste like... burning.

Bart:
Woah! God is so in your face!

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, he's my favorite fictional character.

Principal Skinner:
Order, order. Do you kids wanna be like the real UN or do you just wanna squabble and waste time?

Bill Gates:
I didn't get rich by signing checks.

Lisa:
Oh, figs.

[Mr. Teeney has just foiled Sideshow Bob's plan to kill Krusty and blew up a room]

Krusty the Clown:
Was there anyone in there?

Sideshow Mel:
Just some network executives.

[the blown-apart parts of the executives turn to liquid metal and reform into a T2-style mix of Lindsey Naegle and Jim the Executive]

Lindsey Naegle, Jim the Executive:
We have notes. Have you thought about Dave Chappelle? Destroy!

Sideshow Bob:
[at his parole meeting] Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment. First, my prison-issued shower sandals are grossly undersized [lifts one of his famous meter-long feet onto the table, the sole of which is mold-encrusted save for an incredibly small shower sandal]. Secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club *me* with books. [pulls up shirt, reveals series of angry, red, rectangular bruises] These are from the new Tom Clancy. Although I must say it's less painful than reading him. Am I right, folks?

[Sideshow Bob is trying to hypnotise Bart]

Sideshow Bob:
You are in my power.

Bart Simpson:
I am at your command.

Sideshow Bob:
I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.

Bart Simpson:
I am in your power.

Sideshow Bob:
Excellent! Actually, go back to command. No... power, power!

Sideshow Bob:
[At his parole meeting] Your Honor, my incarceration is cruel and unusual punishment. First, my prison-issued shower sandals are grossly undersized [lifts one of his famous meter-long feet onto the table, the sole of which is mold-encrusted save for an incredibly small shower sandal] . Secondly, the prison book club consists mainly of prisoners who club *me* with books. [pulls up shirt, reveals series of angry, red, rectangular bruises] These are from the new Tom Clancy. Although I must say it's less painful than reading him. Am I right, folks?

Sideshow Bob:
Rakes, my arch enemy.

Bart:
I thought I was your arch enemy.

Sideshow Bob:
I have a life outside you, Bart.

Sideshow Bob:
[hypnotizing Bart] You are in my power.

Bart:
[in a hypnotic voice] I am at your command.

Sideshow Bob:
I didn't say anything about command. If you are in my power, say so.

Bart:
I am in your power.

Sideshow Bob:
That's better. No, go back to command. I like that better.

Homer:
[punching his pillow] Stupid Barney! Thinks he's too good for me.

Marge Simpson:
Cheer up, Homey. You don't need friends to be happy. I haven't had a friend in years.

Homer:
But you've got me. Who have I got?

Marge Simpson:
[sighs] You still have Lenny and Carl.

Homer:
Aw, Lenny and Carl suck! [pleadingly] Please don't tell Lenny and Carl I said that, because if I ever lost them as friends...

Marge Simpson:
Well, if Barney's that important to you, you've got to work it out. Old friends stick together, like OJ and AC. Or the Falcon and the Snowman.

Homer:
Oh, why can't I have a nickname?

Barney Gumble:
Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behaviour over the last twenty years.

Moe:
No, that's okay, Barn.

Barney Gumble:
No it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table, which I then befouled.

Moe:
Well, that would explain the drop-off in play.

Bart Simpson:
We should be safe up here. I'm pretty sure fires can't climb trees.

Homer:
Barney, the call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges?

Barney:
What do you mean I forgot my birthday? How could I forget...

[chugs a beer glass]

Barney:
- my own birthday?

[Barney and Homer are in a helicopter, when they land in the middle of a bridge and stop a beer truck. A six pack falls out]

Homer:
You have to do it Barney. You have to save my kids.

Barney:
I can't. My nerves are shot.

[grabs six pack]

Barney:
Beer.

Homer:
[grabs beer] No. I won't let you do it. You have to be sober for this.

[chugs beer]

Barney:
You can't drink them all.

Homer:
Oh, yeah?

[wrestles rest of six pack from Barney and chugs it]

Homer:
I won't let you do this Barney. Not when you've come this far in...

[slurred speech]

Homer:
being the greatest pal in the world. I love you. I guess it started at graduation, when I...

[passes out]

Barney:
Homer. You brave, brave man. You took 6 silver bullets for me.

Homer:
[mumbles] Stay away from my wife.

[Homer is drunk]

Lisa:
You saved us, dad. You did it.

Homer:
I could do a lot more things if I had some money.

Lisa:
Wha?...

Barney:
So, I say, when we die there should be two planets- one for the French and one for the Chinese.

Lenny:
So then I said to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence... of being a jerk."

[browsing the card catalog]

Lisa:
Let's see, Golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Fashion... Humor... Japanese Obsession With... Ah, here it is: Putting.

Bart:
Hey, Lis, what do you call those guys in chess that don't matter?

Lisa:
Well, a blockaded bishop is of little value, but I think you're referring to a pawn.

Bart:
Right, I am a pawn.

Lisa:
I know. It's times like this I'm thankful that Dad has little to no interest in almost everything I do.

[preparing for the big miniature golf tournament]

Lisa:
Eighth hole.

Bart:
Aim for the octopus's third tentacle.

Lisa:
Twelfth hole.

Bart:
Bank it off the pink tombstone.

Lisa:
Nirvana.

Bart:
A state of bliss attained through the extinction of the self.

Lisa:
Bart, having never received any words of encouragement myself, I'm not sure how they're supposed to sound. But here goes: I believe in you.

Bart:
Thanks, man.

[Lisa takes Bart to the library]

Bart:
Lisa, we can't afford all these books.

Lisa:
Bart, we're just gonna borrow them.

Bart:
Oh. Heh, heh. Gotcha.

[wink]

Lisa:
I want you to shut off the logical part of your mind.

Bart:
Okay.

Lisa:
Embrace nothingness.

Bart:
You got it.

Lisa:
Become like an uncarved stone.

Bart:
Done.

Lisa:
Bart, you're just pretending to know what I'm talking about.

Bart:
True.

Lisa:
Well, it's very frustrating.

Bart:
I'll bet.

Lisa:
Why do I have the feeling that someday I'll be describing this to a psychiatrist?

Lisa:
I'm studying for the math fair. If I win, I'll get a brand new protractor.

Homer:
Too bad we don't live on a farm.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I'm a little worried that you're getting too caught up in this silly golf tournament.

Homer:
But Marge, this is our big chance to show up the Flanderses!

Marge Simpson:
Well, I'm sure it is, but why would we want to do that?

Homer:
Because sometimes the only way for a person to feel good about himself is to make someone else look bad! And I'm tired of making other people feel good about themselves.

Marge Simpson:
Mmmm...

Bart:
But Dad, I've never won anything before in my life.

Homer:
Son, this is the only time I'm ever gonna say this: it is NOT okay to lose.

Lisa:
[Looking at the library catalog for books about golf for Bart] Golf, golf... Anecdotes... Eisenhower and... Fashion... Humor... Japanese obsession with...

[Homer is reading Ned Flander's letter]

Homer:
You are my brother.

[Homer, Bart, and Lisa laugh]

Homer:
I love you.

[They laugh again]

Homer:
And yet, I feel a great deal of sadness in my buzzom.

[They're hysterically laughing]

Homer:
Wait, there's more.

[the others laugh again]

Marge Simpson:
I think that's terrible. A man opens his heart and you made fun of him.

[Marge walks away to laugh at Flanders]

Homer:
Bart Remember what Vince Lombardi said, if you lose you're out of the family!

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I couldn't help overhearing you warp Bart's mind...

Mr. Burns:
Compadres, it is imperative that we crush the freedom fighters before the start of the rainy season. And remember, a shiny new donkey for whomever brings me the head of Colonel Montoya.

Peggy Bundy:
[NASA people watch TV to see modern-day men on television. They click to "Married... With Children" on FOX]

[whines]

Peggy Bundy:
Al... let's have sex!

Al Bundy:
Ehh, no Peg.

[Audience laughs and claps]

Al Bundy:
[Al flushes a toilet, and everyone hollers and cheers]

Tim Taylor:
[Finally gets his rider mower to start] Yes! I did it! I finally turbo-charged my riding mower! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

[Puts it in gear, it goes into reverse, knocks over the fence, and runs over next-door neighbor Wilson]

Tim Taylor:
Oh, no! I've killed Wilson! Looks like it's back to jail for me! Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

Head of NASA:
[Barney runs off drunk and wastes his chance at being an astronaut] Well, Homer, I guess that makes you the winner by default...

Homer:
Default? The two sweetest words in the English language! De-FAULT! De-FAULT! De-FAULT!

NASA Assistant:
[clubs Homer with a police sap]

Head of NASA:
Where'd you get that thing?

NASA Assistant:
Sent away.

Reporter 5#:
Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending unqualified, under trained civilians into space?

Homer Simpson:
The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes. Wait a minute... statue of liberty... that was our planet. You maniacs, you blew it up. Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Homer Simpson:
You're right, Marge. Just like the time I could have met Mr. T at the mall. The entire day, I kept saying, "I'll go a little later, I'll go a little later..." And when I got there, they told me he just left. And when I asked the mall guy if he'll ever come back again, he said he didn't know. Well, I'm never going to let something like that happen again!

Kent Brockman:
I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves!

[explaining why he believes he's finally going to win "Worker of the Week"]

Homer Simpson:
"Union Rule 26: Every employee must win 'Worker of the Week' at least once, regardless of gross incompetence, obesity or rank odor." Heh heh heh...

Homer Simpson:
Stupid carbon rod. It's all a popularity contest.

NASA Technician:
[counting down to launch] Three... Two... One... MAKE ROCKET GO NOW!

NASA Assistant:
Oh, and Mr. Gumble... For the duration of the training there'll be no more beer.

Barney Gumble:
What? Three whole weeks with only wine? I'll go crazy!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, boy, dinnertime. The perfect break between work and drunk.

Marge Simpson:
It's your new diet.

Homer Simpson:
But what happened with all the other diets I'm not done with yet?

Bart Simpson:
Hey, I didn't know this park was here.

Lisa Simpson:
You wrote a report on it last week.

Bart Simpson:
The internet wrote it. I just handed it in.

Martin Prince:
Care to make it a trio, Bart? You can brush and I can blow.

Bart Simpson:
Well, I agree you blow.

Martin Prince:
Then it's a plan!

Bart Simpson:
A lot of people blow, but no one blows like you.

Martin Prince:
High praise indeed.

Bart Simpson:
If you looked up blow in the dictionary...

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, he's not gonna get it.

Bart Simpson:
The bone's the very thing, methinks, to prank my sister and the dink.

Martin Prince:
A bone? It could be from one of the major Homos!

Bart Simpson:
You're one of the major...

Lisa Simpson:
Forget it!

Bart Simpson:
See that fat lady with the moustache? That's you.

Lisa Simpson:
See that hippo rolling in dung? You're the dung.

Marge Simpson:
That's enough. You each got one in.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, but her's was better.

Skinner:
Martin Prince was known by many names. Martin Priss, Martin Princess, Fartsin Prince, Martin the Brown-Nose Reindeer...

Kearney:
That one's mine.

Marge Simpson:
Zack, you're not trying to save our marriage, you're trying to split us up. I'd rather have a chubby hubby than a sexy exy.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Marge. If there was a reality show named "Fat Guys Who Really Love Their Wives", not only would it be an enormous ratings success, but I'd be the first one on it.

Martin Prince:
To quote Mark Twain, rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

Nelson Muntz:
Yeah, rumors of your wussiness are a hundred percent true.

Betsy:
It's all about little substitutions. If you want to eat something, eat a bell pepper. Crave something sweet? Eat a bell pepper. Want a beer? Bell pepper.

Homer Simpson:
It tastes good like pepper, but crunchy like a bell.

Betsy:
Bell pepper!

Marge Simpson:
Homer, are you cheating on your diet?

Homer Simpson:
Cheating? I'm not even gonna dignify that with eye contact.

[Lisa imagines being in jail]

Guard:
Bookmobile.

Lisa Simpson:
Got any Joyce Carol Oates?

Guard:
Nothing but Danielle Steele.

Lisa Simpson:
Noooo!

Bart Simpson:
Martin was like Jesus, only real.

Nelson Muntz:
I hope you two learned something from all this.

Lisa Simpson:
I learned that inside my goody-two-shoes are some very dark socks.

Bart Simpson:
And I learned that killing a nerd is not as cool as it sounds.

Nelson Muntz:
There's just one more thing... [turns to camera] You folks have a good night.

[after lying to Marge about reading her book]

Homer Simpson:
[thinking] Now for that happy period between the lie and the time it's found out.

[researching who shot JFK]

Homer Simpson:
Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby.

Marge Simpson:
Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I was so close.

Marge Simpson:
When you write, you can let your imagination run wild.

[writing and reading aloud what she writes]

Marge Simpson:
Temperance was doing the laundry.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, you've been driving in circles for 20 minutes.

Lisa Simpson:
Why don't you just admit you don't know where the hospital is?

Homer Simpson:
Why don't you admit I know it's around here somewhere?

Homer Simpson:
Apu, do you sell crazy straws? I've got a guy with a broken back and I'm trying to cheer him up.

Homer Simpson:
I'll have to read Marge's book. And I swore never to read again after 'To Kill a Mockingbird' gave me no useful advice on killing mockingbirds. It did teach me not to judge a man based on the color of his skin, but what good does that do me?

Homer Simpson:
No, gotta read Marges' book. Can't get distracted. Distracted, that's a funny word. Does anyone ever get 'tracted'? I'm gonna call the suicide hotline and ask them.

Homer Simpson:
You were gonna start a novel without informing me?

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call!

Homer Simpson:
I also fed some ducklings.

Marge Simpson:
I know, I got your message.

Marge Simpson:
Dr. Marvin Monroe! I haven't seen you in years!

Dr. Marvin Monroe:
Oh! I've been very sick

Homer Simpson:
[singing to the tune of Gary Numan's 'Cars'] Here in my car/ I am cleaning out blood/ Some of it's mine/ But most of it's not/ Here's Marge.

Homer:
[singing, while hosing out the back of his ambulance] Here in my car/ I am hosing out blood / Some of it's mine / But most of it's not / Here's Marge.

[Marge has written a book based on her and Homer]

Lisa:
Dad will be upset when he reads that book.

Bart:
He'll never read it.

Lisa:
What if they make a movie out of it?

Bart:
He'll never see it.

Lisa:
What if they make a parody of it on Mad TV?

Bart:
We're doomed!

Homer:
I've got it! Lee Harvey Oswald killed Kennedy to get the jack ruby.

Marge:
Homer, Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel.

Homer:
Oh, back to square one.

Homer Simpson:
Books are useless! I only ever read one book, "To Kill A Mockingbird" and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure it taught me not to judge a man by the colour of his skin... but what good does *that* do me?

Bart Simpson:
Children of the playground! I will eat anything for money. Except money.

Bart Simpson:
I'm the kid who ate a frog.

Diggs:
So you're the reason I had to dissect a Muppet today.

Bart Simpson:
Can I join?

Diggs:
I'll have to consult Freedom. [Freedom poops] Habemus poopum! We have a poop! It's white. You're in.

Bart Simpson:
You don't know how impressive that is to a kid whose dad can't get the dog to sit. [Cut to Homer yelling at Santa's Little Helper]

Homer Simpson:
Sit. Sit. Sit! [Santa's Little Helper starts hopping on his hind legs] I don't know what the hell that is, but it's not sitting!

Bart Simpson:
Say something so I know you're not hurt.

Diggs:
I'm really hurt!

Bart Simpson:
Phew!

Marge Simpson:
I hope he comes back for his bird. I don't like the way he's circling the cat.

Bart Simpson:
He's just riding the thermals from dad's butt.

Homer Simpson:
Well, at least someone in this family is using them.

Diggs:
When I release Freedom, we'll open all the cages.

Bart Simpson:
With our minds?

Diggs:
No, with this rope. I'm mentally ill, I'm not Magneto.

Jimbo:
Hey, Simpson. I heard bird boy got another cage. One with rubber bars.

Kearny:
Yeah, and a rubber perch!

Dolph, Kearny:
Yeah, yeah and a...

Bart Simpson:
I get it. It sucks. Really sucks.

Dolph:
Rubber birdfeeder.

Jimbo:
Making fun of the mentally ill - real classy.

Dolph:
But you guys were...

Kearny:
We were what, Captain Sensitive?

Bart:
We're just gonna let him die?

Marge:
Bart, I know you're upset...

Bart:
Darn right I'm upset!

Marge:
Bart, watch your language! Oh... you did.

Chief Wiggum:
[watching lottery drawing, phone rings] No... sorry, you have the wrong number, this is 912.

Smithers:
People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns:
Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers. If I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over you, what would you say?

Smithers:
If *you* did it, sir?

Ned Flanders:
So, recycling is just our way of giving Mother Earth a great big hug!

Mr. Burns:
Yes, well, it does sound delightful! I can't wait to start pawing through my garbage like some starving raccoon!

[to Smithers]

Mr. Burns:
Release the hounds.

[to Flanders]

Mr. Burns:
Well, neighbor, I see you've got your running shoes on. That's a good thing.

Ned Flanders:
Aaahhhh!

[he sees the hounds coming and runs away]

[Mr. Burns sees one of his hounds limping and wheezing]

Mr. Burns:
What's wrong with Crippler?

Smithers:
Oh, he's getting on, sir. He's been here since the late-'60s.

Mr. Burns:
Ah, yes. I'll never forget the day he bagged his first hippie. That young man didn't think it was too "groovy".

Mr. Burns:
I'm looking for something in an attack dog, one who likes the sweet, gamey tang of human flesh. Hmm, why here's the fellow. Wiry, fast, firm proud buttocks... reminds me of me.

Mr. Burns:
Now, as an attack dog you'll be expected to neutralize intruders.

Smithers:
Wanna buy some cookies? Wanna buy some cookies?

[Santa's Little Helper starts licking Smithers' face]

Mr. Burns:
Oh, if that were a real Girl Scout, I'd have been bothered by now.

Smithers:
I hate to interrupt your longevity treatment, sir, but there's a sweet little boy at the door.

Mr. Burns:
[muffled, from behind the glass] Release the hounds.

[after Santa's Little Helper disappears]

Homer:
There's his leash, there's his water dish, and there's the spot where he took a whiz on the rug!

[cries]

Marge:
Homer, get a-hold of yourself! Remember, Doggy Heaven!

Homer:
Oh, Marge! There's no such place! I made it all up!

[Marge clears throat]

Homer:
Or to put it another way... there... is.

[Santa's Little Helper is missing - Lisa wants to make a poster]

Lisa:
Don't we have any pictures of Santa's Little Helper?

Marge:
None that I would want the public to see.

[Homer is reading a book called "Canine Surgery."]

Marge:
No!

Homer:
What?

Marge:
You are not going to perform that operation yourself!

Homer:
But, Marge, it looks so easy! Like carving a turkey... [flashes back to last Thanksgiving, him wielding the electric carver]... Maybe you're right.

Homer:
Well, he's got all the money in the world, but there's one thing he can't buy.

Marge:
What's that?

Homer:
A dinosaur.

Homer Simpson:
Monster! You don't exist! [Homer hits ray with a chair]

Ray Magini:
Hey! Nobody calls me a monster and questions my existence! [Ray punches Homer]

Stephen Hawking:
I live here now. You are looking at the new owner of Little Caesars. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza. Pizza, pizza... [He repeatedly pushes a button on his speaking machine] Sorry, that button sticks.

Ray Magini:
[getting a box of shingles from the top shelf] Hey, look, Homer. I'm coming down with a case of shingles. [Homer laughs]

Homer Simpson:
What's in the box?

Stephen Hawking:
[after being asked why he's at Lenny's Birthday Party at Moe's] I live here now, you're looking at the new owner of the Little Caesers down the street. Pizza pizza Pizza pizza Pizza pizza Pizza pizza; sorry that button sticks.

Krusty the Clown:
If Jews control the media, why can't I get on Jimmy Kimmel?

Fat Tony:
When I call for my Russian business partner, Yuri Nator, I don't expect to be screamed at like I was some ten year old punk making a prank call.

Homer Simpson:
This looks like a job for CAPTAIN CRAZY! Up, up and away!

[He jumps out of a ski lift and falls like a stone]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, come on, gravity. You used to be cool.

Homer Simpson:
Stupid grocery list, making food into work.

Homer Simpson:
That boy has become a Dennis-level menace.

Homer Simpson:
If that kid thinks I'm putting him through four years of puberty, he's got another thing coming. Stupid kids, think I'm made of hormones.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Hey, Bart. I think I have a crush on your new sister.

Bart Simpson:
You have a crush on my old sister.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Yeah, but that wasn't going to happen.

Homer Simpson, David Byrne:
[singing] He's your peppy, perky, nightmare neighborino!

Homer Simpson:
If you despise polite lefthanders...

Ned Flanders:
[singing along] Then I doubt you'll like Ned Flanders, or his creepy little offspring Rod and Todd.

Rod Flanders:
That's us.

Todd Flanders:
Hooray!

Indian Chief:
Drink deep from these cups. The bear urine will make you strong.

[Homer and Bart stop drinking]

Indian Chief:
Actually, it's Fresca.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer does a spit take] Fresca?

Clara:
You know, there are more important things in this world than boys. And when... [sees Bart] Hello, handsome!

Bart Simpson:
What's up, cootie breath?

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, welcome to love. It's full of doubt and pain and uncertainty. But then one day, you find a man you love so much, it hurts.

Homer Simpson:
[angry] Who is he?

Marge Simpson:
You, Homie.

Homer Simpson:
Whoo-hoo! In your face, imaginary guy!

[during the 1960 vice-presidential debates on TV]

John F. Kennedy:
I would like to take this opportunity to express my fondness for Duff beer.

[cheers]

Richard Nixon:
Uh, I'd also like to express my fondness for that particular beer.

[boos]

Homer:
The man never drank a Duff in his life.

Chief Wiggum:
Uh, Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news. Your husband was found DOA.

Marge:
Oh my god. He's dead?

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.

[a woman walks in]

Woman:
My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband is DWI?

Chief Wiggum:
Uh... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Now Homer, feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.

Homer:
The other day I was so desperate for a beer that I snuck into the football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.

Rev. Lovejoy:
I cast thee out!

Troy McClure:
What a terrible waste... Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure! You might remember me from such driver's ed films as "Alice's Adventures Through The Windshield Glass" and "The Decapitation of Larry Leadfoot." For the next sixty minutes, we'll be seeing actual film of car crash victims.

Judge:
Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alc-Anon meetings.

Homer Simpson:
Your honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.

Judge:
No.

Lisa Simpson:
I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.

Clerk:
Okay. [reaches into a box under the counter] Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.

Lisa Simpson:
How can a hamster write mysteries?

Clerk:
Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.

Lisa Simpson:
Aw, c'mon.

Clerk:
Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?

Homer Simpson:
I'm here for the Alc-Anon meeting.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Mm-hm. Third door on your left.

[Jasper walks up]

Rev. Lovejoy:
Coping with senility?

Jasper:
No. I'm here for Microwave Cookery. No, wait. [pause] Coping with senility.

Marge Simpson:
Homey, I'd like you to do something for me.

Homer Simpson:
You name it.

Marge Simpson:
I want you to give up beer for a month.

Homer Simpson:
You got it. No deer for a month.

Marge Simpson:
Did you say beer, or deer?

Homer Simpson:
[pause] Deer.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded!

Hans Moleman:
My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!

Lisa Simpson:
[writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: Is My Brother Dumber Than A Hamster?

Bart Simpson:
[passing by] Hey, Lis, look what I can do!

[sticks his entire fist in his mouth, then tries, unsuccessfully, to pull it out again]

Bart Simpson:
Doggone it.

[Lisa comes back to her room to find her science project report stolen]

Bart Simpson:
Looking for something?

[Bart is sitting in her chair, stroking Snowball II a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]

Lisa Simpson:
What have you done with my report?

Bart Simpson:
I've hidden it.

[Lisa runs out]

Bart Simpson:
To find it, you'll have to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than...

Lisa Simpson:
Got it!

Bart Simpson:
D'oh!

[first lines]

Principal Skinner:
Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

Principal Skinner:
[seeing Bart's science project] "Go-Go Ray"?

Bart Simpson:
Allow me to demonstrate.

[turns switch to "Mashed Potato" and zaps Skinner]

Principal Skinner:
AH! What the-? [He does the Mashed Potato across the room. Mrs. Krabappel laughs. Bart turns the switch to "Monkey" and zaps her]

Edna Krabappel:
AH! Can't... stop... doing... the Monkey!

Homer Simpson:
[Homer pours his Duff Beer down the drain] Well beer, we've had some good times. [singing] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer I purchased with a fake I.D. My name was Brian McGee, I stayed up listening to Queen, when I was 17.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, I thought your mother told you to take a bath.

Bart Simpson:
Yeah, Mom says a lot of things.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I understand, kids. I'm not a bath man myself. More of a cologne man.

Homer Simpson:
Whatever happened to your mail order bride?

Moe Szyslak:
Oh, she got homesick for her old life; diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp.

Homer Simpson:
So, her career got in the way.

Moe Szyslak:
Ehh, I don't blame her. No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-Pail like me.

Homer Simpson:
Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe. You're a fabulous catch.

Moe Szyslak:
Oh yeah? Well, uh, how come I ain't fending off movie stars with a pointy stick?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, its probably due to your ugliness. But, that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman!

[Homer is underwater]

Chief Wiggum:
That car thief can't hold his breath forever.

Lou:
And if he can, Chief?

Chief Wiggum:
Then God help us all!

Chief Wiggum:
Your fingerprints are just like snowflakes. They're both very pretty.

Moe Szyslak:
Homer, I need your help. You got to steal this car and wreck it for me.

Homer Simpson:
Steal? Oh no, you got the wrong guy.

Moe Szyslak:
Come on Homer, I'm one of your dearest friends... When everybody said you were to drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys?

Homer Simpson:
Aww... You did.

[Moe is describing a plan to Homer]

Moe:
Okay Homer, this olive is you...

Homer:
Mmm... me...

[Homer is sitting at the dinner table in all black with a balaclava on his head]

Marge:
Why all the black?

Homer:
Why all the pearls? Why all the hair? Why anything?

Lisa:
You look a little nervous, Dad.

Homer:
No, *you* look a little nervous, Lisa.

Bart:
You're up to something, aren't you, Dad?

Homer:
NO. I'm just going out now to commit certain deeds.

Homer:
[in jail; looks out window and sees Moe singing about going to Hawaii] Hawaii? What about Hawaii? Moe, who's going to Hawaii? Am I going to Hawaii?

Chief Wiggum:
[bangs on Homer's jail cell] Stop saying "Hawaii" in there.

Homer:
Must kill Moe Wee! Must Kill Moe Wee!

Moe:
Bring us your finest food, stuffed with your second-finest.

Waiter:
Very well, the lobster stuffed with tacos.

Marge Simpson:
We're all concerned about your weight. Bart said NASA called. They said that your gravity is pulling all the satellites out of orbit.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, that was a joke.

Marge Simpson:
I know, but it came from a true place.

Newsman:
To Springfield!

Newswoman:
Which Springfield?

Newsman:
The one the Simpsons live in!

Homer Simpson:
All right, everyone who didn't come out of my loins out of my house! You too, Fred Thompson.

Fred Thompson:
But I was in Die Hard.

Homer Simpson:
Pfft! Die Hard 2.

Ralph Wiggum:
[at the Lincoln Memorial, sitting on Lincoln's lap] I want a tricycle, and a dog who won't chew my Hot Wheels, and a brighter future for America. I'm Ralph Wiggum, and I've been a good boy.

Lisa Simpson:
Ralph can't be president. He's the dumbest person on the dumbest percentile group.

Homer Simpson:
A president doesn't have to be smart. All he has to do is point the army and shoot.

Lisa Simpson:
But he's eight, and the Constitution says you have to be thirty-five to be president.

Bart Simpson:
Lis, I'm pretty sure the Patriot Act killed the Constitution to protect our rights.

Reporter:
Are you a registered voter?

Moe:
I'm a registered something.

Homer:
[Offering Tomacco] Try some, won't you?

Chief Wiggum:
Go ahead, Ralpie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

Ralph:
[Ralphie tries some, and spits it back out] Oh, Daddy! It tastes like Grandma!

Chief Wiggum:
[Tries some, and spits it out] Holy Moses! It DOES taste like Grandma!

Ralph:
I want more!

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, me too! [Ralphie starts eating more] Should we take a bushel or a peck, or - just give it to me! [Eats]

Homer:
[Chuckles]

Marge:
Is that plutonium on your gums?

Homer:
Shut up and kiss me!

Homer:
Go get Lassie!

Bart:
Lassie?

Homer:
I mean Lisa.

Bart:
I'll dig an outhouse.

Lisa:
I'll weed the floor.

Marge:
I'll repress the rage I'm feeling!

[observing the farm's green glow after Homer put plutonium on it]

Marge:
It's eerily beautiful. Are you sure it's safe?

Homer:
You know what they say - sometimes you have to break the rules to free your heart.

Marge:
You got that from a movie poster.

Homer:
Well, when there's nothing left to believe in, believe in hope.

Marge:
Where'd you get that from?

Homer:
From the producers of "Waiting To Exhale".

[Homer has just been shot]

Lisa:
You know, Dad, that's probably something you should go to the hospital for.

Homer:
After pie.

Moe Szyslak:
[after Maya dumps him, Moe is cleaning his empty bar when Homer comes in] Whatsa matter, Homer?

Homer Simpson:
Not a thing in the world.

Moe Szyslak:
Yeah, I wish I could say the same.

Homer Simpson:
Moe, this is a great thing for you. You went from sitting on the sidelines to getting in the game! Sometime, when you least expect it, you'll realize that someone loved you. And that means that someone can love you again! And that'll make you smile.

Moe Szyslak:
[as Moe wipes down the bar, he thinks of Maya and sighs sadly, then smiles] Hey, Homer was right.

Moe Szyslak:
[Moe walks over to a picture of himself with Maya] Who'd have thought that such a little woman could make me feel so big?

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon:
Are you sure you want a child, Apu?

Apu:
You know, I do! I mean, there comes a time in a man's life when he asks himself, "who will float my corpse down the Ganges?"

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon:
Oh Apu, take me now!

[Apu turns out the bedroom light]

Apu:
Oh, Calcutta!

Homer Simpson:
Hey Apu. Sitting in the ice cream cooler, ay?

Apu:
By chilling my loins I increase the chances of impregnating my wife.

Homer Simpson:
Wah-ooh, too much informaaation. Thanks for the mental pictuuure. Why don't you tell us what you reeeally think.

Apu:
Would you stop spouting those hackneyed quips?

Homer Simpson:
Could you beeee any more... [pause] Hellooooo... [laughs]... Look, just give me some ice cream.

[Apu removes a tub]

Homer Simpson:
Um... how 'bout one *not* touching your ass.

[in the Kwik-E-Mart]

Ned Flanders:
Well, morning Apu. How are the little blessing?

Apu:
Owhh, they're a ravenous sworm of locusts just eating and screaming and grabbing and poking and pulling and drooling, and two have cradle rash. How do you get cradle rash when you sleep in a suitcase?

Ned Flanders:
[chuckles] They can be a handful... of joy.

Apu:
Shut up!

Ned Flanders:
They fill your lives with...

Apu:
SHUT UP!

Ned Flanders:
[quickly] Can't put a price on a miracle.

Apu:
I can't believe you won't shut up!

Homer Simpson:
Eight kids?... Hmmm.

[pause]

Homer Simpson:
I'm sterile, right baby doll?

Marge Simpson:
Yes dear, from the nuclear plant.

Homer Simpson:
Beautiful.

[Manjula and Apu are in the hospital with newborns]

Apu:
How did we get eight?

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon:
Apu, I must confess. When we were having trouble conceiving, I took fertility drugs.

Apu:
Wooh. I, too, am afraid I'm guilty of monkeying with nature. I slipped fertility drugs into your breakfast squishy.

Hibbert:
[Using a calculator] Mmm-hmm. Well that would only account for quintuplets. Did anyone *else* slip this woman fertility drugs?

[Homer, Marge, and Bart raise their hands]

Homer Simpson:
Mine tasted like strawberry.

[Homer pops one into his mouth]

Homer Simpson:
Ovulicious...

[after Apu's wife Manjula gives birth to Octuplets. Apu has been awake all night trying to put them all to sleep, and has fallen asleep himself]

Manjula:
[Waking Apu up] Apu, it's 4:00 am, you're late for work.

Apu:
[Wakes Up] Oh, I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Manjula:
Oh, no you don't. Not 'til they're out of college.

Apu:
Listen, I'll die when I want to.

Apu:
[two bullies walk out with store merchadise] Thank you steal again.

Manjula:
Oh, little Maggie, aren't you cute with your little bow.

[does baby-talk]

Marge:
Maggie loves baby talk.

Manjula:
That was Hindi.

Larry Kidkill:
Escort these gentlemen out.

Christopher:
Avec plaisir.

Apu:
[Apu is wearing a rig of feeding bottles that make him look like a milk-cow] Welcome to my Hell.

Apu:
Oh, wonderful, our problems are over, we have banana bread.

Apu:
Banana bread? What were you thinking! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. To make it up to you, here, have a baby.

Apu:
If your mother was a vampire, and your father was a Frankenstein, why are you a werewolf?

Butch Patrick:
You're right, it doesn't make any sense.

Chief Wiggum:
I've added a secret ingredient just for you. The merciless peppers of Quetzlzacatenengo! [the crowd gasps] Grown deep in the jungles primeval by the inmates of a Guatemalan insane asylum.

Lisa Simpson:
[Seeing a silhouette of Homer against a spotlit sky] Is that Dad?

Bart Simpson:
Either that or Batman has really let himself go.

Homer Simpson:
In your face, space coyote!

Homer Simpson:
We're so different! It's like you're from Venus!

Marge Simpson:
And you're from Mars.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, sure, give *me* the one with all the monsters!

Chief Wiggum:
I want to hallucinate, too!

Coyote:
I speak of a deeper wisdom. The problem, Homer, is that the mind is always chattering away with a thousand thoughts at once.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, that's me all right.

[gets a glazed look in his eyes as the wind blows his two hair strands]

Coyote:
Clarity is the path to inner peace.

Homer Simpson:
Well, what should I do? Should I meditate? Should I get rid of all my possessions?

Coyote:
[snorts] Are you kidding? If anything, you should get *more* possessions. You don't even have a computer.

Homer Simpson:
Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. [the pro shop is on top of a giant pyramid, as well] And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog.

Talking Dog:
Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog!

Talking Dog:
[barks]

Homer Simpson:
Damn straight!

Coyote:
[v.o] Find your soul mate, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
But where? Where?

Coyote:
[v.o] I'm just your memory. I can't give you any new information.

[Homer is on the phone, looking for a soul mate in the personal ads]

Homer Simpson:
Hello, is this GBM? You wrote in the personals that you're looking for a soul mate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies. [pause] No, I don't like *that*. [pause] Or that. It's not that I'm afraid... [hastily] I'm going to hang up now, bye! [hangs up the phone]

Homer:
Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it.

[the coyote growls and starts chewing on Homer's leg]

Homer Simpson:
Hey! Knock it off!

[Homer kicks the coyote off his leg]

Coyote:
Sorry. I am a coyote.

Homer Simpson:
[runs screaming into a field]

Ralph Wiggum:
Hey, Mister!

Otto:
Let him go, Ralph. He knows what he's doing.

Homer Simpson:
What's that smell? Chilli? Chilli powder? It's chilli! Oh my! It's the chilli cook off! I'm missing the cook off! It's going on right now and I'm missing it!

Homer Simpson:
[sits down on top of the huge pyramid] I hate this place! WHY AM I HERE?

Coyote:
[voice only] You are on a quest for knowledge.

Homer Simpson:
Who said that?

[the Moon turns around revealing itself to be an eye, Saturn flies next to the eye and becomes a second eye. The large red face of a Space Coyote appears in the sky, smiles at Homer and moves down to the top of the pyramid]

Coyote:
Fear not Homer. I am your spirit guide.

Homer Simpson:
Hiya.

Homer Simpson:
[notices the sun rising and setting according to how he walks] Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrise, sunset. Sunrisesunsetsunrisesunsetsunrisesuns- [He accidentally breaks the sun] AAAHH! Note to self: stop doing anything.

Homer Simpson:
[seriously] Gimme some inner peace or I'll mop the floor with ya!

Coyote:
Good. Your mind is in a state of readiness, so listen well: To make yourself complete, you must find your Soulmate.

Homer Simpson:
Soulmate?

Coyote:
Your kindred spirit. The one with whom you share an unspoken bond, a profound, mystical understanding.

Krusty:
Look, I'm really sorry about all the things I've been charged with, as well as all the stuff you don't know about yet.

Lea Michele:
Goodbye, Lisa! I'll miss you a lot, then a little, then not too much!

Mr. Largo:
Lisa, please stick to the illegally-Xeroxed sheet music.

Homer Simpson:
Kids, have you seen your mother? Or yourselves?

Homer Simpson:
Something happened in this room. If only these walls could talk. Then people would pay to see my talking walls, and I could use that money to... Oh, another memory!

Chief Wiggum:
Walked into a door? That is the lamest excuse in the book. [walks into door] All right, door. You're coming downtown.

Krusty the Clown:
Quick, I need to forget the last 24 hours. I tried to do a Don Rickles about Arabs, but I ended up doing a Mel Gibson about Mexicans.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, you just destroyed your first kiss.

Homer Simpson:
Really? Who was it with?

Bart Simpson:
Uh... Apu.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, yeah.

Homer Simpson:
Ah, I got my memory back and my life is ruined!

Dr Frink:
Well, if you can't take the Neural Activity, stay out of the Neural Activator! Mm-Bwa-hey!

Dr Frink:
All the easy research and engineering has been done. Now there's just the much harder business of coming up with the name.

Homer Simpson:
The Remembererererer?

Dr Frink:
Well, it's not important.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, after all my divorce-worthy statements and actions-many of which you don't know about-how can you kick me out now that I'm sick?

Homer Simpson:
You're pregnant? But I kept my shirt on!

Marge Simpson:
Homie, you have no idea what it's like being married to you.

Marge Simpson:
I know this marriage isn't perfect, or even great, but now I even treasure the moments where it's just so-so.

Therapist:
Like all married women you're sick of your husband. But sometimes you're afraid of losing him.

Homer Simpson:
And like all married men, I didn't hear that first thing and am overconfident of the second.

Candace:
I'm pretty fascinating myself. I'm an author.

Homer Simpson:
I thought you were a pharmacist.

Candace:
Tennessee Williams worked in a shoe factory.

Homer Simpson:
You were pretty quick with that fact.

Bart Simpson:
[crying] Why is Daddy leaving? Is it all my fault?

[laughs]

Bart Simpson:
Man, I've been waiting to do that for a long time. [shouts] All my problems are my parents' fault!

Homer Simpson:
[Seeing Bart's "Dope" tags] That guy in the poster seems awfuly familiar. [Sees reflection in rear view mirror] Don't just stand there. Think of a theory.

Bart Simpson:
I want to show you that I'm sorry, and they say a picture is worth a thousand words, so... [Spray-paints "I'm Sorry" on the hood of the car]

Homer Simpson:
You just ruined my car.

Bart Simpson:
Correction, I just made it ten times more valuable.

Homer Simpson:
Five thousand dollars? Woo-hoo!

Homer Simpson:
Now, now, Homer. Can't strangle the boy on his mother's birthday. Juries hate that.

Homer Simpson:
[Laying his head on the cedar chips on the rabbit cage] This isn't so comfortable. I don't see how a rabbit can... [falls asleep]

Lisa Simpson:
Hey, merry pranksters. Dinner's ready.

Bart Simpson:
Dammit, she knows! All right, what will it take to buy your silence?

Lisa Simpson:
Just throw in a couple of "Fur is murder"s.

Bart Simpson:
How is fur murder? They're just animals.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad!

Bart Simpson:
Okay, okay, fur is murder! Everything's murder.

Lisa Simpson:
I don't think dad is coming.

Marge Simpson:
[Looking at a painting of Homer as a horse's ass] I can see how this show isn't to his liking.

Bart Simpson:
From now on, if anyone laughs at you, they're gonna have to go through me.

Homer Simpson:
What about the Incredible Hulk riding a rhinoceros? Are you gonna stop him from laughing?

Bart Simpson:
Is the Hulk laughing, or the rhinoceros?

Homer Simpson:
Both, but the rhinoceros doesn't know why, he's just trying to fit in.

Lisa Simpson:
I don't get it. How can you be an undercover cop?

Shepard Fairey:
Don't look so surprised. For thirty years I've been telling people to obey.

Abraham Simpson:
What happened to you? You used to be the dean of the underground scene.

Shepard Fairey:
I'm not about sucking up to posers anymore. I just sell them stuff now.

Milhouse:
[after being hit by a truck] Bury me at Makeout Creek!

Homer Simpson:
You workin'?

Benjamin:
Oh my, yes. I'm on a secret project that I'm not at liberty to divulge... [coughs] cyborgs...

Doug:
I invented a program that downloads porn off the internet one million times faster.

Marge Simpson:
Does anybody need that much porno?

Homer Simpson:
Uuh-huuh-uuuh, one million times.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, maybe *I* should drive.

Homer Simpson:
What, I can see fine.

[Homer drives into a cornfield, baseball field, then into a ditch]

Homer Simpson:
That had nothing to do with the bucket.

Homer Simpson:
Cure me! Cure me!

Brother Faith:
Brother, I sense you are feeling trapped and desperate.

Homer Simpson:
Yeeeah... and I gotta bucket on my head.

Bart Simpson:
Excuse me, Brother Faith. I gotta know, how did you *really* get the bucket off my dad's head?

Brother Faith:
Well, I didn't son, you did. God gave you the power.

Bart Simpson:
Really? Hmm, I would think he would want to limit my power.

Homer Simpson:
Okay, who needs another lamb rack?

[Marge and Bart wave a 'no']

Homer Simpson:
Lisa?... Hamhawk? Tri-tip?

Lisa Simpson:
Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer Simpson:
Well, I think the veil might have died of loneliness.

Homer Simpson:
[after the bucket is removed from his head] I see the light... it burns!

Dr. Hibbert:
Son, I'm afraid that leg is hanging by a thread.

Anton Lubchenko:
Lubchenko must return to game!

Dr. Hibbert:
[chuckles] Your playing days are over, my friend. But, you can always fall back on your degree in... [reads chart] communications? Oh, dear Lord!

Anton Lubchenko:
I know! Is phony major. Lubchenko learn nothing. Nothing! [cries]

[Lisa is worried about her science project]

Homer:
Lisa, all you need is a little help from your dad.

Lisa:
Well, we're supposed to do this without parental help.

Homer:
Sweetie, that's orphan talk.

Homer:
Nothing makes a parent happier than when an eccentric single man takes an interest in their child.

Rod Flanders:
Daddy, can I buy this one? [holds up a short that says "Get Bent"]

Ned Flanders:
Let's see. "Get Bent" Well the only thing that could mean is kneel down and pray. We'll take the whole box. [passes t-shirts to people] Get bent everyone!

Krusty the Clown:
Hey-hey, Krusty Show T-shirts are made for kids, by kids, and we pass the *slavings* on to you! Hoo-hoo-hah-heh-heh-heh!

Homer Simpson:
[depressed] I tried to fix the kids' lives, but instead I led them to rich and rewarding personal decisions of their own.

Homer Simpson:
Ooh, lamb kebab!

[he eats the kebab]

Homer Simpson:
Ooh, chicken kebab!

[he eats it, as well]

Homer Simpson:
[grabbing a lit fire juggling stick] Ooh, fire kebab!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, no!

Bart Simpson:
[cutting in front of Lisa] Dad, yes!

Homer Simpson:
[Watching Bart and Lisa at school] My son is a loser, and my daughter is a loner. Way to go, Marge!

Marge Simpson:
It feels like a sauna in here. [Sees sign over door reading "Springfield Saunas"] It is a sauna! It must have been put here by a previous owner. This house is full of surprises, but this is the first one that's pleasant.

Marge Simpson:
Here, Homer. Have some beets. I boiled all the red out of them.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I can still taste undercurrents of pink.

Lisa Simpson:
Here, dad. Maybe this will help.

Homer Simpson:
It feels like food, but it has no flavor whatsoever! What is it?

Lisa Simpson:
Mac and cheese from the school cafeteria. The blandest food known to man.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, if I join a clique, I'd become someone I hate.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, our country was founded by a clique, the Continental Congress. Dolphins live in cliques. Those are my two examples.

Lisa Simpson:
Those are good examples.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, I don't want to hurt people.

Homer Simpson:
Very well. I guess you don't need this big girl book.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm a big girl!

Homer Simpson:
I'm a good father to both my children. [to Maggie] Well, hello there. Who do you belong to?

Homer Simpson:
Black Hawk Down! Black Hawk Down!

[after Homer has been banned from Moe's, a man comes in who looks exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and an English voice]

Guy N. Cognito:
Greetings good men, might I trouble you for a drink?

Moe:
Oh get out of here, Homer!

Guy N. Cognito:
Homer? Who is Homer? My name is Guy N. Cognito.

[Homer walks past Moe's, despondent. From inside comes the sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up by Moe, and he's thrown unconscious out of the bar and onto the street]

Homer:
Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!

[a small, fluffy-tailed dog walks by]

Homer:
That dog has a fluffy tail!

[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]

Homer:
Come here, fluff!

Homer:
I wanna shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I wanna explore the world. I wanna watch TV in a different time zone. I wanna visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero. I want to LIVE, Marge. Won't you let me live? Won't you, please?

Homer:
This is it. The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in, I'll have to quit drinking.

Homer's Liver:
YAY.

Homer:
Shut up, liver...

Moe:
That's it, Homer. I'm taking your caricature down from Mount Lushmore, and I'm pulling your favorite song out of the jukebox.

Homer:
"It's Raining Men"?

Moe:
Yeah, not no more it ain't.

Norm Peterson:
Woody, gimme a beer.

Woody Boyd:
I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore.

Norm Peterson:
Just gimme another beer, ya brain-dead hick! I'll kill ya! I'll kill all of ya!

[he breaks a bottle and starts to wave it in Woody's face. Cliff and Frasier start to try and restrain him]

Cliff Clavin:
Settle down, Normy! Save those pipes for karaoke!

[Norm settles down and starts to cry]

Norm Peterson:
I love you guys!

[the first several notes of the "Cheers" theme song are heard. Homer runs out of the bar, screaming]

Homer:
[Homer seems oblivious to the fact that he's in a lesbian bar] Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place. [looks around] I know! This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap, ladies. [leaves]

woman:
What was her problem?

Homer:
Good news everybody! Because I endangered lives, we can fly anywhere we want!

Homer:
Lisa, the important thing is for your mother to repress what happened. Push it deep down inside her, so she'll never annoy us again.

Guy N. Cognito:
[comes into Moe's looking exactly like Homer except for a fake-looking moustache and silly voice] Hello! My name is Guy N. Cognito.

Moe:
Get out of here, Homer!

[sound of Guy N. Cognito getting beaten up and thrown unconscious into the street]

Homer:
[walking along despondent until he stumbles onto Guy N. Cognito] Oh, my God, this man is my exact double!

[a small, puffy-tailed dog walks by]

Homer:
That dog has a puffy tail!

[Homer leaves Guy and starts pursuing the dog]

Homer:
Here, puff!

Homer:
Wait a minute... there's something bothering me about this place. I know. This lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit. Enjoy your death trap ladies.

[leaves]

Lesbian:
What's her problem?

Marge:
Everybody's afraid of something.

Homer:
[smugly] Not everybody.

Marge:
Sock puppets.

Homer:
[shrieks in terror] Where? Where?

Carla Tortelli LeBec:
Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins the same night. You're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowin'!

Sam 'Mayday' Malone:
All right, Carla, I'll make you a bet. If this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar.

Lisa:
Cheer up, Dad. Did you know the Chinese use the same word for 'crisis' as they do for 'opportunity'?

Homer:
Yes. Crisitunity.

Marge:
A woman doctor? Well, now I've seen everything.

Moe:
Moe's Tavern.

Bart:
Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass, first name Hugh.

Moe:
Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Hugh Jass! Hey, I want a Hugh Jass! Oh, somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass!

Hugh Jass:
Uh, I'm Hugh Jass.

Moe:
Telephone.

Hugh Jass:
Hello, this is Hugh Jass.

Bart:
Uh, hi.

Hugh Jass:
Who's this?

Bart:
Bart Simpson.

Hugh Jass:
What can I do for you, Bart?

Bart:
Uh, look, I'll level with you, mister. This is a crank call that sorta back-fired, and I'd like to bail out right now.

Hugh Jass:
All right. Better luck next time.

[hangs up]

Hugh Jass:
What a nice young man.

Professor Frink:
All right, according to the gas chromatograph, the secret ingredient is... love? Who's been screwing with this thing?

Steven Tyler:
Hello, St. Loooooooouuuuuuiiiiiiiiis!

Joe Perry:
That's, Springfield, Steven.

Steven Tyler:
Yeah, right, right.

Moe:
Hey, Homer came up with the drink, but I came up with the idea of charging $6.95 for it.

Moe:
Don't worry, I learned how to make plenty of drinks at bartending school.

[reading off an old mixed drink recipe list]

Moe:
Gin and... tonic? Do they mix?

Marge Simpson:
So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?

Lionel Hutz:
I'm sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can't copyright a drink.

Homer Simpson:
[whines] Oh!

Lionel Hutz:
This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of '78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don't just make the office look good, they're filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

Homer Simpson:
[Homer sees Maggie wearing makeup and a dress] That's it! I'm outta here.

[Playing "Truth or Dare" at Lisa's slumber party, one of the girls is dared to kiss Bart. She jumps him and does so]

Bart:
[spluttering] I'm telling Mom and Dad!

Lisa Simpson:
You're telling who?

Bart:
Mom and Dad!

Girls:
MOM AND DAD? JINX!

Janey Powell:
[singsong] Now you can't talk, 'til somebody says your name!

[the girls giggle. Bart runs into the living room, where Homer is watching TV. Bart points emphatically at himself]

Homer Simpson:
What is it, boy? Is anything the matter, my son? Talk to me, young man.

[In exasperation, Bart writes "SAY MY NAME" on a pad of paper and shows it to Homer]

Homer Simpson:
Say your name? Why should I do that, my lad?

Bart:
[exploding] Because I'm jinxed, damn it!

[Homer punches him in the arm]

Bart:
Ow! What was that for?

Homer Simpson:
You talked while you were jinxed, I get to punch you in the arm. It's not my fault, it's the rules.

Moe:
People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the junior high school next door, no one would even use the cigarette machine.

[Moe is making a fortune from Homer's drink recipe]

Marge Simpson:
Well, Homer, maybe you can take some consolation in the fact that something you created is making so many people happy.

Homer Simpson:
[sarcastic voice] Ooh, look at me! I'm making people happy! I'm the Magical Man from Happy-Land, in a gumdrop house on Lollipop Lane!

[walks out, slams the door, then sticks his head back in]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, by the way: I was being sarcastic.

Marge Simpson:
Well, du'uh.

[as he enters the now popular Moe's Tavern, Homer accidentally bumps into Mrs. Krabappel's butt. He then looks at her and notices she has a heavy make-up and that she wears a bikini top]

Mrs. Krabappel:
Hiya, scrumptious. Do you want to ignite my drink?

Homer Simpson:
You're my kid's teacher!

Mrs. Krabappel:
Single parent, are we?

Homer Simpson:
No!

Mrs. Krabappel:
[hugs his back with one hand and suggestively touches his belly and then his chin with the other one] Well, let's pretend you are...

Homer Simpson:
Get away from me.

[shoves her away and walks away from her]

[Mrs. Krabappel lies down on the bed in Aerosmith's trailer]

Joey Kramer:
Mrs. Krabappel, I really need my drumsticks.

Mrs. Krabappel:
[lasciviously plays with the drumsticks and then talks with a passionate voice] Come and get 'em...

[puts one of them in her mouth]

Julio:
[Upon seeing a burning ship heading towards him] Normally I love to see flaming dreamboats heading my way, but not like this, baby! Not like this!

Selma Bouvier:
[as Elizabeth I] I don't need a man, for I have England.

Moe Szyslak:
Yeah, you keep telling yourself that.

Lisa Simpson:
This bed's too hard. This bed's too soft. This bed is just... like the first one, also too hard. I guess I'll sleep in the one that's too soft.

Maggie Simpson:
Throughout the ages, the finger painter, the Play-Doh sculptor, the Lincoln Logger, stood alone against the daycare teacher of her time. She did not live to earn aproval stickers, she lived for herself, that she might achieve things that are the glory of all humanity. These are my terms. I do not care to play by any others. And now, if the jury will allow me, it's naptime.

Homer Simpson:
[as Sir Walter Raleigh] Your Majesty, I come from the New World with a gift: a healthful and slimming herb, tobacco.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, I need some bribe money.

Chief Wiggum:
Well, don't say it so loud.

Marge Simpson:
All I have is some dry cleaner coupons.

Chief Wiggum:
Deal. [Takes coupons and lets Homer go]

Homer Simpson:
Thanks, Marge. But remember, there's still the civil lawsuit.

Lenny:
There's something in our house.

Moe Szyslak:
Let's put a pick axe in its brain!

Lenny:
You're in marketing. Why do you even have a pick axe?

Moe Szyslak:
If you were in marketing, you'd know.

Lisa Simpson:
I know another story about a great woman. It's called Snow White and the Seven

Lawyer:
[interrupts Lisa] Excuse me, but the story you are about to tell is a copyright property of the Walt Disney Company.

Lisa Simpson:
What? Snow White is a fairy tale that has been around for hundreds of years. Nobody owns the rights to it.

Lawyer:
Does your story have any dwarves in it?

Lisa Simpson:
Yes, but they are my own original creation. Their names are Crabby, Drunky, Hungry, Greedy, Lenny, Kerney, and Doc-tor Hibbert.

Macbeth director:
Mel is like the son Laurence Olivier and John Gielgud always wanted but never had, but, oh, how they tried!

Mr. Burns:
I can't be responsible for what my goons are ordered to do.

Lisa:
Elegy for Geezer Rock: Postcard image, thing to see / to think of Springfield is to think of thee. / What thoughts be-pass a'hind thy mien? / Why sky art blue? Why trees art green? / And what, pray tell, did thine eyes see? / Perchance, old friend, they gazed at me. / Brought low by nature's oafish hand / thy crush-ed our reviewing stand. / And twixt thy stones glimpsed I the truth. / All things must pass. Thy face, my youth.

Lisa:
[auditioning people for her paper] What kind of journalism experience do you have?

Nelson:
I dunno. Making nerds cry?

Lisa:
Perfect! You can be our TV critic.

Mr. Burns:
[Despite Burns' attempt to bribe Lisa with cute little ponies, she refuses to stop printing her newspaper] Very well, you had your chance. I'm going to shred you like a Christmas card. Now *get out!*

Lisa:
[angrily] I can't. My mom's not picking me up for an hour.

Mr. Burns:
[leaning nervously on his desk, Burns is at a loss for words] Well, what do you think of today's popular music scene?

Lisa:
I think it distracts people from more important social issues.

Mr. Burns:
My God, are you always "on"?

Homer Simpson:
Sweetie, it's time I told you the facts of life. The world is full of priceless experiences, and I can't give you any of them.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, do you know how it feels when you have a man to provide you everything you need?

Marge Simpson:
I have thought a lot about that, and I have to say... no.

Bart Simpson:
Lisa, you owe me a Caribbean vacation, St. Croix or better.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, TiVo remote, you have a season pass to our heart. Today I discovered Lost, watched all of Rome in a day, and watched Two and a Half Men in two-and-a-half minutes. Then the cache was full, so I had to erase something. I had to choose between Sophie's Choice and Schindler's List.

Marge Simpson:
That's funny. There's nobody here.

Homer Simpson:
More ribs for me!

Bart Simpson:
There are no tables or chairs.

Homer Simpson:
More ribs for me!

Lisa Simpson:
And there's no sign of an oven, kitchen or food anywhere.

Homer Simpson:
[uneasy] More ribs for me?

Sideshow Bob:
Sideshow Bob, hoisted on his own petard.

Lisa Simpson:
Actually, that's hoisted *by* his own petard.

Sideshow Bob:
Oh, get a life.

Sideshow Bob:
Come on, Wikipedia, you unwieldy behemoth!

Bart Simpson:
Nice try, Sideshow Bob. But you didn't count on one thing.

Sideshow Bob:
What's that?

Bart Simpson:
You stink like my butt! Take him away, boys.

Sideshow Bob:
Why must I feed him straight lines?

Sideshow Bob:
I snuck into America amidst a bunch of undocumented Canadian comedy writers for The Jimmy Kimmel Show... whatever that is.

Shop Clerk:
Want to try a new camcorder, sir?

Homer Simpson:
All I'm here for is a battery!

Shop Clerkette:
Care to make love, sir?

Homer Simpson:
Battery, battery, battery!

Sideshow Bob:
Zeus's Pimples!

Krusty the Clown:
[singing in tribute at Bob's Funeral, to the tune of "Candle in the Wind"] And it seems to me, your loyal fans, should buy this DVD! It's got lots of Special Features and a few Deleted Scenes, like when you fell down, and split your pants, and we saw your frank and beans.

All the Simpsons:
[singing to the tune of "For he's a jolly good fellow"] We're going to a restaurant Grand Opening, we're going to a restaurant Grand Opening, we're going to a restaurant Grand Opening, but don't fill up on bread!

Homer Simpson:
That's how they getcha!

[Bender appears in the car]

Bender:
Alright! You guys are my new best friends!

Homer Simpson:
You wish, loser!

[he throws Bender out of the car]

Bender:
Great, you guy are my new best friends!

Homer:
You wish!

[Homer throws Bender out of the car destroying him]

Waylon Smithers:
[with a very attractive woman] Sir, you knew I was on a date.

Bart:
Mr. Smithers? But I thought you were... you know...

Waylon Smithers:
Oh no, I'm straight. As long as I keep taking these shots!

[injects shot into arm]

Waylon Smithers:
I love boobies!

Bart:
[Smithers walks into the room with a sexy girl at his side] Smithers? I thought you were... ugh... you know!

Smithers:
Not as long as I take these injections!

[injects himself]

Smithers:
[shouts] I like boobies!

Marge:
[eight years in the future, praising technology] It's greeat! We can do *anything* now that Science has invented Magic.

Drill Sergeant:
Ordinarily, I would spend the next two hours questioning your sexuality, running down your hometowns and telling you to drop and give me various numbers.

Homer Simpson:
Are you gonna ask us our major malfunctions? 'Cause mine is I care too much.

Drill Sergeant:
Unfortunately, the demand for troops has never been higher, so we've got to speed things up. While you've been standing here, your hair's been cut and your clothes have been replaced with army fatigues.

Drill Sergeant:
[as the recruits are going through an obstacle course] Here's your nicknames: Brooklyn, Hollywood, Kissimmee-St. Cloud, Florida, Maverick, Blanket Hog, Newman's Own, Master of Suspense, England's Rose, Nickname Pending, Bram Stoker's Dracula and Snowflake!

Homer Simpson:
Snowflake? What happens to me in the summer?

Drill Sergeant:
A troublemaker, huh? You're gonna sit here and eat donuts while the rest of the unit does push-ups!

[Homer starts eating while the rest of the unit begins push-ups]

Homer Simpson:
I don't understand, how does punishing me teach them a lesson?

Drill Sergeant:
Just for that, they'll do the push-ups one-handed while you eat Alaskan king salmon and I give you a foot rub.

[Bart doing a newscast on a kids news show]

Bart:
Joe Banks, 82 years young, has come to this pond everyday for the past 17 years to feed the ducks. But last month Joe made a discovery: the ducks were gone. Some say the ducks went to Canada, others say Toronto. And some people think Joe used to sit down there near those ducks. But it could be that there's just no room, in this modern world, for an old man and his ducks.

[Burns and Smither have been watching Bart Simpson's human interest story on ducks. Burns is crying]

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

Smithers:
There's no maybe about it, Sir.

Mr. Burns:
Excellent.

Kent Brockman:
Human interest stories - they cloud the issues and fog the mind.

Lisa:
[Lisa is disgusted with Bart's "phony schmaltz" kids' news features]

Lisa:
They want cheap sentiment? I'll pump 'em so full of sap they'll be blowing their nose with a pancake.

Nelson:
Hey, I'm on TV. Fart.

Homer Simpson:
Wolves are taking all our women!

Madam Wu:
[to Marge] Maybe someday someone will love you too, childless servant.

Homer:
[drunk; seeing a dragon out of a plane] I'll give you one!

Dragons:
Oh, you are a VERY greedy man. The other dragons will hear of this!

Homer:
Hey dragon! You fly like a girl!

Selma:
Homer, when we get to China. I need you to do me a favor.

Homer:
Anything for you, oh wise mountain ape.

Selma:
[sighs] You have to pretend to be my husband.

Homer:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dragons:
That's him. The man who broke a dragon's heart.

Dragons:
[in Chinese opera singing voice] The man who broke a dragon's heart.

Dragons:
[the Simpsons are leaving China on a boat] American jerks are going home. Now we sleep for a thousand years. When we wake, the world will end.

Madam Wu:
You may not believe this, but I too was once a baby.

Madam Wu:
Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically.

Lisa Simpson:
I don't know about that. I'm considered pretty smart.

Madam Wu:
Well, Tibet was considered pretty independent. How'd that work out?

Chinese Dragon:
[singing] American jerks are going home! / Now we sleep for a thousand years! / When we wake, the world will end!

Homer:
And this is Marge, our surprisingly hot nanny.

Marge Simpson:
[giggles] Why, thank you, Mr. Simpson

Homer:
Don't mention it, Ms... October. But don't look at her passport, it's different!

Mr. Burns:
What are you doing, Godfrey? You're a villain, not a bullet-brained rail-splitter!

Grampa Simpson:
[as Gorgeous Godfrey] You are the luckiest people in the world: you get to look at me!

Homer Simpson:
Why are you reading on such a beautiful day when there's TV to watch.

Lisa Simpson:
Well, it is the golden age of well-written, well-acted television.

Homer Simpson:
Pfft! Writing is for bathroom walls and acting is for getting out of speeding tickets. Television was created to watch white trash men do made-up jobs.

Homer Simpson:
[Marge is crying] Marge, what's wrong?

Marge Simpson:
I so wanted your father to be gay.

Grampa Simpson:
On VE Day I kissed a man by mistake.

Marge Simpson:
Thank you.

Homer Simpson:
My father was not gay! He was just a man whose wife left him because he didn't show her love or attention. [Beat] Oh, my gay dad is gay for gays!

Homer Simpson:
Spill the beans, old man! Word beans!

Homer Simpson:
Should I let the men who ruined my past and present have dinner with the boy who will ruin my future?

Bart Simpson:
I'll send you some desert.

Homer Simpson:
Text me the options.

Marge Simpson:
I'ts a shame that Grampa has to cheat instead of relying on his God-given wrestling talent. What kind of person would idolize someone like that?

Bart Simpson:
What kind of person indeed?

Lisa Simpson:
How come boys always idolize the bad boys?

Bart Simpson:
How come you still like Nelson?

Lisa Simpson:
What? I don't... He's... He's a rebel, but I can change him!

Principal Skinner:
We're not coming down until you acknowledge and celebrate our love!

Maude Flanders:
Excuse me, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N!

Krusty the Clown:
Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Homer Simpson:
Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall!

Ralph Wiggum:
Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me!

Chief Wiggum:
The baby looked at you?

Chief Wiggum:
[Principal Skinner, demanding that his relationship with Mrs. Krabappel be respected, exits the school with what looks like a bomb strapped to his chest] Wait a minute... that isn't a bomb! Those are hot dogs! Armor hot dogs!

Superintendent Chalmers:
[shaking his head] What kind of man wears Armor hot dogs?

Mrs. Krabappel:
As you know, Bart, one day your permanent record will disqualify you from all but the hottest and noisiest jobs.

Principal Skinner:
Is this how you imagined your life, Edna?

Mrs. Krabappel:
Well, yes, but then I was a very depressed child.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, how come you're not sick?

Bart Simpson:
Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat. [points to the sick cat] Hey, why'd you eat them? I thought you were a vegetarian.

Lisa Simpson:
I didn't. I just wanted to leave.

Bart:
No offense, Homer, but your half-assed underparenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed overparenting.

Homer:
But I'm using my whole ass.

Grampa:
Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?

Homer:
Never mind, you wouldn't understand.

Grampa:
Flu?

Homer:
No.

Grampa:
Protein deficiency?

Homer:
No.

Grampa:
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?

Homer:
No.

Grampa:
Unsatisfying sex life?

Homer:
N - yes. But please, don't you say that word.

Grampa:
What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

Marge:
Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life?

Homer:
Of course not, Marge. Just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident, he didn't wanna have me.

Marge:
You didn't wanna have Bart.

Homer:
I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.

Marge:
You tell Bart all the time. You told him this morning.

Homer:
But when I do it, it's cute.

Lisa:
Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be... scary.

Homer:
Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking. [leaves]

Bart:
I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking".

Lisa:
That's what I assumed.

Grampa:
[throwing a bottle of tonic to Homer] Here you go, ya ingrate. Think of me when you're having the best sex of your life!

Announcer:
We now return to the 1971 film, "Good-Time Slim, Uncle Doobie, and the Great 'Frisco Freak-Out", starring Troy McClure.

Uncle Doobie:
[a multicolored VW bug is chased by police] Slim, if we've got the bag with the stolen diamonds, then what happened to the bag with our stash?

Troy McClure:
[as Slim] There's more than one way to get high, baby. [he floors it]

Homer:
[Marge, dressed seductively, snuggles with Homey] Please, Marge! How often can I see a movie of this calibre on late-night TV?

Marge:
Is there something wrong, Homey?

Homer:
No! It's just that I've only seen this movie twice before and I've seen you every night for the last eleven ye - er, what I meant to say is, uh, we'll snuggle tomorrow sweetie. I promise.

Lisa:
Bart, this is could be priceless.

Bart:
Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind?

Homer:
The problem in the world today is communication. Too much communication.

Bart:
Your half ass under-parenting was better than your half ass over-parenting.

Homer:
But I'm using my whole ass.

Kent Brockman:
[from a TV broadcast] Our top story is the ozone hole that devastated Brazil last summer is apparently wintering in Springfield.

Bart Simpson:
Wooh! Springfield rocks!

Kent Brockman:
[from a TV broadcast] Residents are advised to stay inside unless you use sunscreen, or are very, very hairy. Experts recommend class nine, or Robin Williams level of hair coverage.

[Lisa has been forced to write on the chalkboard, punishment for doing math in class]

Bart Simpson:
[laughs] Lisa in trouble. The ironing is delicious.

Lisa Simpson:
The word is irony.

Bart Simpson:
Huh?

Lisa Simpson:
Don't you think there's something weird going on here? We spent all day selecting fabric swatches and then our guest speaker was Phil, from marketing.

Bart Simpson:
All's I know is I'm getting straights A's, and that ain't not bad.

[scene starts with Funzo singing, dancing, and playing with Bart]

Bart Simpson:
It's always a party with Funzo!

Lisa Simpson:
[Lisa walks up] I admit, it's kind of cute. But it'll never take the place of Malibu Stacy.

[Funzo takes the Malibu Stacy doll, breaks it, and throws it in the fire]

Lisa Simpson:
AWHH! Did you see that!

Bart Simpson:
Yeah! Funzo makes playtime fun!

[Funzo starts choking Bart's Krusty doll]

Bart Simpson:
Hey, why is it destroying other toys?

Lisa Simpson:
They must have programmed it to eliminate the competition.

Bart Simpson:
You mean like Microsoft?

Lisa Simpson:
Exactly! Come on Bart, we've gotta warn everyone.

Lisa Simpson:
The madness ends here!

Homer Simpson:
[laughing at Lisa] Oh man! If I had a nickel for every time I've heard that...

Funzo:
[Homer has just chucked a bunch of Funzos in to a fire, to destroy them] I'm very mad at 'ou!

Ralph Wiggum:
[playing a doctor in a play] Hello! I'm Dr. Stupid. I'm gonna take out your liver bones!

Ralph Wiggum:
Fun toys are fun.

[Fanzo threw a Barbie in the fire and strangled a Krusty toy]

Bart:
Why is it destroying other toys?

Lisa:
It must be programmed to do so to eliminate competition.

Bart:
You mean like Microsoft?

Lisa:
Yeah.

Principal Skinner:
[At a meeting, discussing ways to save the school] Now, people, these are all good ideas...

Marge Simpson:
No, they're not! They're terrible, terrible ideas!

Bart:
Man, I'm so bored.

Milhouse:
Wait until we're teenagers, then we'll be happy.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
How could you close the school?

Marge:
What will become of our kids?

Homer Simpson:
Where are the refreshments?

Principal Skinner:
Now, you keep asking me that and I keep telling you, over there!

Homer Simpson:
So, who am I beating up?

Lisa Simpson:
Nobody. You're just gonna break into everyone's house and steal their favorite toy.

Bart Simpson:
Thus saving Christmas.

Homer Simpson:
Now, let's see... this'll make three Christmases I saved versus eight I ruined... two were kind of a draw...

Editor:
We're looking for a new food critic, someone who doesn't immediately pooh-pooh everything he eats.

Homer:
Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

[Writing a food review]

Homer:
The bread was... the bread was...

Santa's Little Helper:
Ruff.

Homer:
You've been pitching that one all night.

Santa's Little Helper:
Chewy?

Ned Flanders:
A rude Frenchman. Why I never.

Homer:
People will think what I tell them to think when you tell me what to tell them to think.

Homer:
Well here we are kids... the zoo.

Bart Simpson:
That's great dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.

Marge:
Only your father could take a part-time job at a small town paper and wind up the target of international assassins.

Newspaper Tour Guide:
And each paper contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa:
What percentage is that?

Newspaper Tour Guide:
Zero. Zero is a percent, isn't it?

Homer:
[singing] I like pizza, I like bagels. I like hot dogs with mustard and beer.

Editor:
I get the picture.

Homer:
[still singing] I'll eat eggplant, I could even eat a baby deer. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Homer:
If he's so smart, how come he's dead?

Marge:
You love Shake n' Bake. You used to put it in your coffee.

[while spying on Homer at the food festival]

Captain McCallister:
Homer's undone the top button on his pants.

Akira:
He's been walking around like that since Thanksgiving.

Captain McCallister:
I'm surprised he doesn't just switch to sweat pants.

Akira:
He says the crotch wears out too fast.

Captain McCallister:
[shudders] That'll replace the whale in my nightmares!

Izzy:
C'Mon. You gonna kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change.

Homer:
[writing a restaurant review] So come to The Legless Frog, if you want to get sick and die and leave a big garlicky corpse. P.S., parking was ample.

End Titles Singer:
[to the tune of Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire"] Ullman shorts, Christmas show, Marge's fling, Homer's bro / Bart in well, Flanders fails, whacking snakes, monorail / Mr. Plow, Homer space, Sideshow Bob steps on rakes / Lisa's future, Selma's hubby, Marge not proud, Homer chubby / Homer worries Bart is gay, Poochie, U2, NRA / Hippies, Vegas, and Japan, octuplets, Bart's boy band / Marge murmurs, Maude croaks, Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes / Maggie blows Burns away, what else do I have to say? / They'll never stop the Simpsons / Have no fears, we've got stories for years / Like, Marge becomes a robot / Maybe Moe gets a cell phone / Has Bart ever owned a bear? / How 'bout a crazy wedding? / Where something happens, and do do do-do do / Sorry for the clip show / Have no fears, we've got stories for years...

[Talking about Agnes Skinner in a low-cut dress]

Abe Simpson:
What's keeping that dress on?

Sideshow Mel:
The collective will of everyone in this room.

[removal of the crayon in Homer's brain will either increase his brain power, or possibly kill him]

Homer:
Increase my killing power, eh?

[pointing at his chest]

Homer:
There's a crayon in my brain?

Homer:
Family meeting. Family meeting.

[the rest of the family runs into the dining room and quickly takes their seats]

Homer:
Okay, people, let's keep this short. We all want to get home to our families.

[all laugh]

Homer:
All right, first item: I lost our life savings in the stock market. Now let's move on to the real issue: Lisa's hogging of the maple syrup.

Lisa:
Well, maybe if Mom didn't make such dry waffles. There, I said it.

Marge:
Well, maybe if you'd eat some meat you'd have a natural lubricant.

[gasps and turns to Homer]

Marge:
You lost all our money?

Homer:
Point of order - I didn't lose ALL the money. There was enough left for this cowbell.

[rings it softly and the bell breaks apart in his hands]

Homer:
Damn you, eBay!

[Lisa is missing a crayon; Homer had a crayon removed from his brain making him smarter]

Marge:
[reassuringly] Sweetheart, the missing crayon could be anywhere.

Homer:
[crashes through living room window and holds up two fistfuls of tickets] Who wants lottery tickets?

Marge:
[resigned] Okay, it's in his brain.

[leaves]

Homer:
I'm a Spalding Gray in a Rick Dees world.

Homer:
Lisa, why didn't you warn me? Being a brain has alienated me from all my friends.

Lisa:
Dad, as intelligence goes up, happiness often goes down. In fact I made a graph...

[wistfully]

Lisa:
I make a lot of graphs...

Cletus:
Now hold still. Nothing cracks a turtle like Leon Uris.

Artie Ziff:
Tell me, Homer, what's it like being married to Marge?

Homer Simpson:
It's like being married to your best friend - who lets you touch her boobies!

Homer Simpson:
This is the perfect job. I'll leave the world the same way I came into it - dirty, screaming and torn away from the woman I love.

Marge Simpson:
I haven't lost so much sleep since little Barty had the scoots.

Dr. Hibbert:
Well, there's a surgical option, but it's not cheap. [Writes something on a slip of paper, and slides it across his desk to Homer] Here's what it costs.

Homer Simpson:
[Reads paper] Interesting. Here's my counter-offer. [Writes something on the paper and gives it back to Hibbert]

Dr. Hibbert:
[Reads. The note says, "Do it for free"] [Chuckles, then turns very serious] Get out.

Patty:
Overnight bag, no husband in sight - it's happened!

Selma:
She left Homer? I'll get the champale!

Patty:
And let's get that ring off!

Marge Simpson:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Delilah! I didn't leave Homer, and I never will. I just need one night away from his snoring.

Selma:
Great - we'll have a girls' night.

Patty:
No bras!

Selma:
Let's catch the tail end of Nookie in New York.

Marge Simpson:
Nookie in New York?

Patty:
It's a cable show about four single women who act like gay men.

Marge Simpson:
That sounds great!

Miranda:
[Marge, Patty and Selma turn on "Nookie in New York"] If I'm not having sex by the end of this goat-cheese quesadilla, I'm going to scream.

Charlotte:
I also enjoy sex.

Samantha:
Since this morning, I've had sex with a New York Knick, two subway cops, and a guy who works on Wall Street.

Charlotte:
Broker?

Carrie:
Nah. She's just really sore.

[They all laugh]

Patty:
[Back in the apartment] This is so like our lives.

Selma:
It's like they hid a camera in our apartment.

Lisa Simpson:
Hey, a helicopter's landing on our lawn.

Bart Simpson:
Let's approach with caution!

Homer Simpson:
Okay, Artie, you get her for the weekend - but no funny stuff. And by "funny stuff" I mean hand-holding, goo-goo eyes, misdirected woo - which is pretty much any John Woo film...

Artie Ziff:
Your wife's virtue shall remain as untouched as Bill Gates' weight room.

Moe:
I can't get Artie out of my head. He's like a spy in the House of Moe.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, no! If Marge marries Artie, I'll never be born.

Marge Simpson:
I knew this weekend was just an excuse to get in my mouth! Keep your money - I'm going home!

Cab Driver:
That's nine hundred and twelve dollars.

Marge Simpson:
Send the bill to Baron von Kiss-a-lot.

Cab Driver:
No problem-o.

[He drives away]

Butler:
[the scene cuts to a shot of a Bavarian castle, and then to an aristocratic drawing room. A butler approaches a man seated by a fireplace] This just arrived, Herr Baron.

[Hands him the taxi bill, which he reads]

Baron:
[In German accent] Okay, who's the wise guy?

Artie Ziff:
[on a device to help Marge sleep] He's a loser Marge... dump him! [sings] Yeah, I traveled the world and the seven seas... I am watching you through a camera!

[the oil rig Homer's working on has caught on fire]

Homer:
Oh no. This is how faceless Joe lost his legs.

Marge:
Homer, we can't take his money.

Homer:
Aww, I can't take his money, I can't print my own money, I have to work for my money. Why don't I just lay down and die.

Homer Simpson:
I don't want to be rude, but you losers should go suck somewhere else.

Homer Simpson:
Finally, a kids show that doesn't try to sell you something. Which reminds me, we need to buy more rectangles.

Homer Simpson:
"Find the Hidden Objects"? You're awful pushy for a book I just met.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I don't know if I could go a whole day without doctors Oz, Phil and Gupta.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Now I want you to eat a whole carton of ice cream in under two minutes.

Homer Simpson:
But I just did that.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I'm renting a truck! I'm driving a truck! I crashed a truck! I rented another truck!

Lisa Simpson:
Milhouse?

Milhouse Van Houten:
Milhouse? Who's Milhouse? I mean, he's my son.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, can we get a subscription to Highlights?

Marge Simpson:
Homer, that magazine is for children.

Homer Simpson:
What? Where does it say that?

Marge Simpson:
Read the rest of the title.

Homer Simpson:
Highlights... for... D'oh!

Lisa Simpson:
I'd better not get a backwards facing seat, or I'll get sick.

Bart Simpson:
Well, if I see your face, I'll get sick.

Lisa Simpson:
Your line of educational videos have turned my brother's brain into mush.

Bart Simpson:
Pretty shapes tell me to kill everyone.

Homer Simpson:
I've found what we're looking for.

Marge Simpson:
The kids?

Homer Simpson:
Sure, they could be there. Who knows?

[the family runs into the house and find Plopper the Pig sitting on the couch. The family sits down and Homer happily cradles him]

Homer Simpson:
My summer love.

Plopper:
Oink.

Homer Simpson:
[after picking Mr. Burns out of a water fountain] Hey... you're not a penny!

Mr. Burns:
You saved my life. There must be something I can do for you.

Homer's Brain:
A cookie! No, a car! No, a cookie!

Mr. Burns:
You're getting a free dinner...

Homer Simpson:
Gasp!

Mr. Burns:
...with...

Homer Simpson:
Yeah?

Mr. Burns:
...me!

Homer Simpson:
Me? But that's you!

Svetlana:
My name is Svetlana, but you can call me 'Hey, baby!'.

Homer Simpson:
[after giving the pilot the money] Sempher Fudge.

Pilot:
Did you just say Sempher Fudge?

Homer Simpson:
No I said the right thing.

Pilot #1:
[after the plane has entered turbulence] I didn't think I would be flying today, so I was doing heroin.

Waylon Smithers:
But what happened to that mini phone I gave you, sir?

Mr. Burns:
That was a phone? I thought it was a lemon drop. [Burns' belly starts to vibrate]

Waylon Smithers:
I'll get your last listed number.

Mr. Burns:
Now to enjoy the Miami of Canada: Chicago.

Marge Simpson:
You smell like Chicago. Did you go there in a commercial plane?

Homer Simpson:
No way! Commercial planes are for losers and terrorists. I went in a private plane.

Marge Simpson:
Was there any difference?

Homer Simpson:
Are you kidding? It's the difference between champagne and carbonated pee.

Homer Simpson:
I don't need a shrink, therapist, consultant or motivational speaker.

Colby Krause:
I'm a life coach.

Homer Simpson:
Ooh, tell me more.

Marge Simpson:
What are you doing? You don't know how to fly a plane!

Homer Simpson:
I once drove a car off a cliff. How hard can it be? Hmm, what's the ocean doing up in the sky?

Duff Man:
Duff Man, has reported you, to the FAA! This, near miss, will be investigated by a panel, of three, retired, pilots. Oh yeah!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, what's the point of putting on my socks? I'd just have to take them off again a week later.

Milhouse van Houten:
Principal Skinner, why did we have to leave the Touch and Learn Reptile House so early?

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Well, it seems someone was riding the giant tortoise naked.

Otto:
It's not my fault. The drinking fountain dared me to do it.

Chief Wiggum:
Alright smart guy, where's the fire?

Homer Simpson:
Over there.

[Homer points to a fire at the police station]

Chief Wiggum:
Okay, you just bought yourself a 317, pointing out police stupidity... Or is that a 314? Nah nah, 314 is a dog uh, in, no or is that a 315?... You're in trouble pal.

Lenny:
Hey Carl, check out the overhead scoreboard.

Carl:
[laughs] Poo... Ah, Homer. What whacky name do you want?

Homer Simpson:
Are poo and ass taken?

Carl:
Yeah.

Homer Simpson:
Damn! Could my life get any worse?

[Burns appears on Homer's bowling ball]

Montgomery Burns:
Simpson! Duhf, even for a bowler you're fat.

Homer Simpson:
Hey guys, is it normal to see Burns' face on a bowling ball?

Lenny:
Nnh, actually I'd say you're having a severe psychotic episode.

Homer Simpson:
Ugh, what a rotten day!

[Homer rolls a strike]

Lenny:
Wow, a strike. Hey, if that's psychotic, then why am I taking these?

[Lenny throws out his pills]

Milhouse:
Ugh, you're polishing bone!

[after Homer bowls another strike]

Lenny:
Hey Homer, that's four strikes in a row! You've got a perfect game going.

Homer Simpson:
Really?

Carl:
Careful what you say Lenny, you'll jinx him.

Lenny:
Oh, right, sorry.

Lenny:
Miss! Miss!... Sorry, I was calling the waitress...

[talking to waitress]

Lenny:
Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.

Homer Simpson:
Lenny!

Lenny:
What? I paid seven-ten for this split.

Carl:
Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumbwad?

Lenny:
Hey, spaaare me your gutter mouth.

[Lenny gets hit in the groin with Homer's bowling ball]

[Homer takes Maggie to the beach]

Homer Simpson:
See Maggie, the ocean is just like a bathtub, except instead of rubber duckies it has barracudas and moray eels.

[Homer gets pulled out to sea by a giant rip tide]

Homer Simpson:
Nothing to worry about. Just a little wave. And this rip tide is certainly nothing daddy can't struggle against. Help! Help! Somebody Help!... Current too strong... I know, if I sink to the bottom I can run to the shore.

[Homer sinks to the bottom, but quickly loses energy and has to come back up]

Homer Simpson:
Maggie! Call Aquaman!

Homer:
I don't need your pity or your money.

[pockets money]

Ron Howard:
Usually when you say that, you give the money back.

Lenny:
[Homer is on his way to bowling a perfect game. Lenny calls the waitress as Homer is about to roll the ball] Miss! Miss!

[Homer looks back at Lenny]

Lenny:
Sorry. I was calling the waitress.

[Homer looks back to the pins]

Lenny:
Uh, this split you sold me is making me choke.

[Waitress takes banana split]

Homer:
[Homer looks back at Lenny] Lenny...

Lenny:
What? I paid $7.10 for this split.

Carl:
Would you at least call it a banana split, you dumwad?

Lenny:
Hey, spare me your gutter-mouth

[Homer throws the bowling ball at Lenny. Lenny groans in pain]

Homer:
I know! If I sink to the bottom, I can run to shore.

[Homer is dressed up as a Teletubby, with a TV and a wire hanger attached to him]

Homer:
Hey, Maggie. I'm Homey-Womey, the Teletubby. And, I'm all man, in case you've heard otherwise.

Krusty the Clown:
Kids, we need to talk for a moment about Krusty Brand Chew Goo Gum Like Substance. We all knew it contained spider eggs, but the hanta virus? That came out of left field. So if you're experiencing numbness and/or comas, send five dollars to antidote, PO box...

[gets interrupted by a newscast]

Chief Wiggum:
All right, Simpson, where's the fire?

[Homer points to the police station, which is on fire]

Chief Wiggum:
All right, Simpson. You just bought yourself a 417, pointing out police stupidity. Or is that a 413? No, a 413 is a dog, and... um... you're in trouble, pal.

Male Network Executive:
[trying to find a family to appear on a reality show]

Female Network Executive:
This family's pretty good.

Male Network Executive:
But isn't the dad Bill Cosby?

Bill Cosby:
Y'see, I gotta get back on the TV, coz with the Osbournes, and the soft-core porns and the dogs poopin' and nobody scoopin' and the veesa bola and the ah! Ah! Ah!

Female Network Executive:
We need a family that hasn't been on TV forever. Let's try the Simpsons.

Moe:
Telegram for Heywood U. Cuddleme. Heywood U. Cuddleme? Big guy in the back - hey, would you cuddle me?

[the bar patrons laugh]

Moe:
Dude, that little!

[turns to his own telegraph machine]

Moe:
I'm going to drive a golden spike where your Union meets your Central Pacific. Stop.

[the Simpsons watch "Law and Order:
Elevator Inspectors Unit"]

Elevator Inspector 1:
Here's the problem, Inspector: the Floor 5 button doesn't light up.

Elevator Inspector 2:
I think I'm gonna be sick.

Lisa Simpson:
Sometimes I wish strangling your children was still legal.

Marge Simpson:
Not since they passed Homer's Law.

Lisa Simpson:
My own daughter thinks I'm a ruthless tyrant, like Hitler or Prince Harry.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Bloody Harry. He brought back beheading in a big way.

Lisa Simpson:
Google, you may have enslave half the world, but you're a darn fine search engine.

Bart Simpson:
This place hasn't changed a bit.

Moe Szyslak:
Yeah, I've been meaning to change things, but this place keeps being a crime scene.

Townspeople:
crowd cheers as prostitutes leave Flanders' house after being told off and thrown out by Flanders

Ned Flanders:
I can't believe it. Everybody knew this was happening at my house and laughed at me. Well Homer, I guess you're the only true friend I have around here.

Moe:
What are you talking about? Homer's the one who informed us of the sexy going-ons.

Homer:
I'm sorry Flanders I couldn't tell you. I had to do it. It was just too funny.

Ned Flanders:
The bible says to cast thy food upon the waters but all I got was soggy bread.

Homer:
Mmm! Soggy bre...

Ned Flanders:
Homer, this is not the time for that now.

Homer:
...ead!

Homer:
What are you two laughing at? And if you say Jimmy Fallon, I'll know you're lying!

Ned Flanders:
I wish we lived in a place more like the America of yesteryear that only exists in the brains of us Republicans.

Bart:
Mom, am I a butch or a femme?

Marge:
[with hand lifted] Honey, you can be anything you want to be.

Bart:
[after they watch a foreign film] I was so bored I cut the pony tail off the guy in front of us.

[holds pony tail to his head]

Bart:
Look at me, I'm a grad student. I'm 30 years old and I made $600 last year.

Marge:
Bart, don't make fun of grad students. They've just made a terrible life choice.

[Homer dials the Flanders', who have taken his kids into foster care]

Voice on Phone:
The number you have dialed can no longer be reached on this phone. You negligent monster.

Goodman:
Stupid babies require the most attention.

Bart:
Wow Dad, you took a baptismal for me. How do you feel?

Homer:
Oh Bartholomew, I feel like St. Augustine of Hippo after his conversion by Ambrose of Milan.

Ned Flanders:
Wait! Homer, what did you just say?

Homer:
I said shut your ugly face, Flanders!

Homer:
All right, to find Flanders, I just have to think like Flanders.

Homer's Brain:
I'm a big four-eyed lame-o. And I wear the same stupid sweater every day...

Homer:
The Springfield River!

Reverend Lovejoy:
Ned, have you considered any of the other major religions? They're all pretty much the same.

[Homer and Marge are relaxing in a sauna]

Marge Simpson:
This is so relaxing. Homie, this was a wonderful idea.

Homer:
[chuckling] Yeah. If that mafia guy weren't staring at us, I'd take off my towel.

Don Vittorio:
Oh, don't mind me. Look, I do it first!

[the "Family Skills" course is almost over, and the agent is testing Homer and Cletus]

Goodman:
OK, let's see if we've learned anything. I want you two to simulate a typical household problem. Go.

Cletus:
Uh, Pa, I cut my finger on the screen door again.

Homer:
[as he strangles Cletus] Why you cotton-pickin...

[the class looks critically at Homer]

Homer:
[to himself] No, I gotta pass this class for my kids. [to Cletus] Son, let's stop the fussin' and the feudin'.

Cletus:
I love you, Pa! [then sobs]

Homer:
I love you, Cletus! [then sobs too]

Ned Flanders:
Until this, I never thought Homer and Marge were bad parents, but now I know you kids need a less hellbound family!

Maude Flanders:
Just sit back, and before you know it, you'll be part of the Flanders flock.

Bart:
Ha ha! You're going to be Lisa Flanders!

Lisa Simpson:
You're going to be "Bart" Flanders.

[Bart screams]

Maude Flanders:
Oh, relax, Bart. Your sister Maggie isn't scared.

Bart:
That's because she can't talk.

Maggie Simpson:
[as she pulls her pacifier out] Daddily doodily!

[Maggie then turns her head around and looks at Bart and Lisa]

[as the Simpson family, who are finally together again, are about to leave the Springfield river]

Marge Simpson:
So what was it like at the Flanders' house?

Homer:
Yeah, gimme all the dirt.

Lisa Simpson:
Let's see. Dirt... dirt... well, there wasn't really much dirt.

Bart:
There was a bunch of old paint cans in the garage, though.

Homer:
[laughs scoffingly] Old painty-can Ned.

[the family also laugh]

Homer:
I always knew he'd keep his old cans of paint!

Marge Simpson:
How do you like that!

Child Welfare Agent:
Children, where are your parents?

Lisa Simpson:
I don't know, but they should be here.

Goodman:
Yes, they should be here. Tsk, tsk. Those parents better have a good excuse.

[Skinner watches as Willie burns Bart's lice-infested clothes]

Groundskeeper Willie:
See you in hell, you wingless bloodsuckers!

Principal Skinner:
What kind of parents would permit such a lapse in scalpal hygiene?

Groundskeeper Willie:
Well, you better check out his sister. She could be rife with them bugs too!

[on Bart and Lisa receiving lice]

Principal Skinner:
Sweet Georgia Brown! Something is rotten at the Simpson house.

[he dials a phone number, and a minute later, a van from the Springfield child protection agency speeds toward the Simpsons' street]

Bart:
I've said it before, and I'll say it again... aye carumba!

[last lines; Marge is home after taking a vacation by herself, and the house nearly went to pieces without her]

Marge Simpson:
And from now on, I expect you to help out a little more at home.

Homer Simpson:
You got it, honey. Do you have enough blanket?

Marge Simpson:
Well, I could use a little more. And I also need to have a little time to myself now and again...

Bart:
Mom?

[Widen to show that Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are sharing the bed with Homer and Marge]

Bart:
I think I speak for everyone in this bed when I say you have nothing to worry about. Now let's just try to get a little shut-eye, huh?

[He turns out the light. The whole family lets out a sigh. Marge and Homer's eyes close, then Bart and Lisa's. Finally, Maggie's eyes droop, and close]

Chief Wiggum:
Don't you worry, Mr. Mayor. This little lady will be cracking rocks by the end of the week.

Mayor Quimby:
Wiggum, you glorified night watchman, let her go!

Chief Wiggum:
But... but she broke the law.

Mayor Quimby:
Thanks for the civics lesson. Now listen: if Marge Simpson goes to jail, I can kiss the chick vote goodbye. And if I go down, you're gonna break my fall!

Chief Wiggum:
Word to the wise, Quimby: don't write checks your butt can't cash.

Mayor Quimby:
Hear me loud and clear, Wiggum: you bite me, I'll bite back!

Chief Wiggum:
You talk the talk, Quimby, but do you walk the walk?

[as Marge train pulls away]

Marge Simpson:
Goodbye, Homie.

Homer Simpson:
[running after her] Goodbye? Where's my clean underwear?

Marge Simpson:
Check the dryer!

Homer Simpson:
How often should I change Maggie?

Marge Simpson:
Whenever she needs it!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, Marge! How do I use the pressure cooker!

Marge Simpson:
Don't!

Marge Simpson:
Homer, if Maggie really doesn't want to go, maybe she should stay here with you.

Patty:
Are you sure that's wise? He'll probably trade her for a beer and a nudie magazine.

[as Marge is on her way home, Homer tries to think how to tell her Maggie has wandered away]

Homer Simpson:
Look, Marge, Maggie was young. It's not like we got attached to her... NO!

[Marge has had a nervous breakdown and parked her car in the middle of a bridge. Homer comes rushing up]

Homer Simpson:
Let me through, let me through! I'm her husband!

Eddie:
Well, that explains a lot.

[he and Lou laugh, then sigh]

[first lines; Homer chases Bart through the house in his underwear, knocking over and breaking a lamp]

Marge Simpson:
I am not cleaning that... who am I kidding?

Kent Brockman:
Hello, this is Kent Brockman, reporting to you live from Arnie Pie's traffic copter. But let me assure you that this is no mere morning traffic report...

Arnie Pie:
Hey!

Kent Brockman:
Face the facts, Arnie.

Homer:
Hello. I am Homer Simpson. Or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose.

Dennis Franz:
[portraying Homer in a made-for-TV movie] Now I'm gonna get me some SWEET!

Homer:
So, a graduate student, huh? How come they can send a man to the moon but can't make my shoes smell good?

Ashley Grant:
I'm sorry?

Homer:
Ah, nobody's blamin' you.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, do I have my pants on?

Lisa Simpson:
Yes.

Homer Simpson:
Perfect.

Anchorman:
Simpson scandal update: Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tent which he believes gives him sexual powers!

Homer:
HEY! That's a half-truth!

Homer:
Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

[Homer's TV interview]

Homer:
Someone had to take the babysitter home. And that's when I noticed that she was sitting on her

[edit]

Homer:
sweet can. So I grab

[edit]

Homer:
her

[edit]

Homer:
sweet can. Ooh, just thinking about her

[edit]

Homer:
can

[edit]

Homer:
I wish I had another

[edit]

Homer:
sweet s-s-s-s-s-s-s-weeet...

Bart Simpson:
So, you're one of those "don't-call-me-a-chick" chicks?

Marge:
Will you stop saying gummy so much?

Homer:
Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can. I grab her sweet can. Oh, just thinking about her can. I just wish I had her sweet, sweet, s-s-s-sweeet can.

Marge:
Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on her sweet can. I grab her sweet can. Oh, just thinking about her can. I just wish I had her sweet, sweet, s-s-s-sweeet can.

Kent Brockman:
[Voicing-over an aerial shot of the Simpsons' home, during a news broadcast] This is hour 57 of our live, round-the-clock coverage outside the Simpson estate. Remember, by the way, to tune in at eight o'clock for highlights of today's vigil, including when the garbage man came, and when Marge Simpson put the cat out... possibly because it was harassed, we don't know.

Kent Brockman:
[Voicing over a frontal shot of the Simpsons' home, during a news broadcast] Of course, there's no way to see into the Simpson home without some kind of infrared heat-sensitive camera. So let's turn it on! [Shot suddenly changes to an xray-like image of the house, with two distinct orange heat sources. One is the entire Simpson family, including Homer, sitting on the couch, the other is a turkey-shaped silhouette rotating in the oven] Now, this technology is new to me, but I'm pretty sure that's Homer Simpson in the oven, rotating slowly. [Camera zooms in for a clear shot of the turkey] His body temperature has risen to over 400 degrees - he's literally stewing in his own juices.

Kent Brockman:
[Rounding out a news story on Homer's sexual harassment scandal] Now, here are some results from our phone-in poll: 95% of people believe Homer Simpson is guilty. Of course, this is just a television poll which is not legally binding. Unless proposition 304 passes, and we all pray it will.

Homer:
[finding out he's being accused for sexual harassment] Phew, what a relief for a second I thought I was in trouble, it's a good thing - DOH!

[being hassled by protesters]

Homer:
You people can't stop me from living my life.

[the protesters follow homer all the way to work]

Woman Rocking Homer:
We're not crazy about nuclear power either.

Smithers:
You people aren't allowed in here.

[the protesters stop hassling Homer for a moment]

Homer:
No it's okay they're with me.

[Smithers leaves and the protesters resume hassling homer]

Marge:
Homer, hasn't this experience taught you that you can't believe everything you hear?

Homer:
Marge, my friend, I haven't learned a thing.

Bart Simpson:
Why would anybody want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from!

Smithers:
Sir, they may never be another time to say... I love you, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, hot dog. Thank you for making my last few moments on earth socially awkward.

Computer Voice:
Warning, problem in Sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns:
7-G? Good God, who's the safety inspector there?

Smithers:
Uh, Homer Simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Simpson, eh? Good man, intelligent?

Smithers:
Actually, sir, he was hired under Project Bootstrap.

Mr. Burns:
[bitterly] Thank you, President Ford.

Luann Van Houten:
Well, Marge, the other day, Milhouse told me my meatloaf "sucks". He must have gotten that from your little boy, because they certainly don't say that word on TV.

[the expression "pull a Homer" meaning "succeed despite idiocy" is added to the dictionary]

Lisa Simpson:
Our dad - now he belongs to the ages.

[after Homer, for the second time, saves the day by sheer dumb luck]

Aristotle Amadopoulis:
Thank you, Homer, for saving my plant...

[throws down his sunglasses]

Aristotle Amadopoulis:
With that idiotic rhyming! Do you even know what button you pushed?

Homer Simpson:
Sure. "Moe."

Kent Brockman:
Eeny meeny miney mo. Is Homer Simpson a hero? The answer is... no!

Mr. Burns:
Well, Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my ass good-bye.

Smithers:
May I, sir?

Computer Voice:
Warning, core temperature rising.

Homer Simpson:
[waking up from his nap] "Core temperature rising"? That sounds serious! Okay, okay, calm down. Whoever's problem this is, I'm sure they know how to handle it...

[He turns, and sees his own board lit up]

Homer Simpson:
Ah! It's my problem! WE'RE DOOMED!

Marge Simpson:
[Bart and Maggie are playing Monopoly] Bart, don't feed your sister hotels.

Bart Simpson:
Don't worry, Mom, there's tons of these things.

Marge Simpson:
I think that game is too old for her. Why don't you go play with Milhouse?

Bart Simpson:
I don't wanna play with Milhouse.

Marge Simpson:
You mean you still haven't made up with him?

Bart Simpson:
It's his Mom. She says I'm a bad influence. Come on, Maggie, let's go throw rocks at that hornet's nest.

Marge Simpson:
Mrs. Van Houten, I'm Bart's mother. We met in the emergency room when the boys drank paint?

Luann Van Houten:
I remember. Please, come in.

Barney Gumble:
[Barney's advice to Homer before he has to give a big speech to the workers at a power plant in Shelbyville to help calm him down] Just picture everyone in their underwear.

Homer:
I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-R-T.

Homer:
Guys, I'm sorry I got you expelled.

Benjamin:
Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves.

[the nerds take two steps, and Snake jumps out of the bushes]

Snake:
Uhh, wallet inspector.

Carl:
Okay. Here you go. I believe that's all in order.

[all nerds hand him their wallets]

Snake:
Oh, I can't believe that worked!

[runs away]

Homer:
Wait a minute. That's not the wallet inspector...

Inspector:
We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence.

Mr. Burns:
There must be some mistake. We, uh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' old-fashioned, good-time, extra-chewy...

Mr. Burns:
The watchdog of public safety. Is there any lower form of life?

[prank calling Dean Peterson]

Homer:
Hello, Dean? You're a stupidhead.

Dean Peterson:
Homer, is that you?

[looks out window, sees Homer on a pay phone across the street]

Homer:
[looks up, sees the Dean] AAH!

[runs away]

Homer:
Raghr! Must destroy mankind! [watch beeps] Ooh, lunchtime.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, don't let these application essays throw you. Let's see: "List your three favorite books and how they've influenced your life".

Homer Simpson:
Is "TV Guide" a book?

Lisa Simpson:
No.

Homer Simpson:
"Son of Sniglet"?

Lisa Simpson:
No.

Homer Simpson:
Katherine Hepburn's "Me"?

Lisa Simpson:
No!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I suck!

Marge Simpson:
Homey, here the responses from the colleges you applied to.

Homer Simpson:
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Whoo-hoo! A flyer for a hardware store! D'oh!

Bart Simpson:
Well, Pop, what are you gonna do?

Homer Simpson:
Something I should have done a long time ago!

[long pause]

Marge Simpson:
You don't know, do you?

Homer Simpson:
No ma'am.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, start digging some nerd holes!

Lisa Simpson:
It's bad enough they put their retainers in the dishwasher; can't we do something?

Homer Simpson:
Look, I'm sure we can work something out where we can all live in harmony, right, Marge?

Marge Simpson:
No, I want those geeks outta my house!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh! The bee bite my bottom! Now, my bottom's big!

Homer:
Dean, I'm really sorry about the running-you-over prank.

Dean Peterson:
Prank?

Homer:
And all those other pranks were my idea, too. *I'm* the one who should be expelled.

Dean Peterson:
Well, I'm touched by your honesty. And, who knows, perhaps I've been a bit of an ogre myself.

Homer:
Yes you have.

Mr. Burns:
Remember, your job depends on your successful completion of Nuclear Physics 101. Oh, and one more thing...

[ominously]

Mr. Burns:
You must find the Jade Monkey before the next full moon.

Smithers:
Actually, sir, we found the Jade Monkey. It was in your glove compartment.

Mr. Burns:
And the road maps, and ice scraper?

Smithers:
They were in there, too, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Excellent! It's all falling into place...

Nuclear Physics Professor:
Welcome to Nuclear Physics 101. I see a lot of new faces, but you know the old saying. Out with the old, in with new-cleus.

[the class laughs]

Nuclear Physics Professor:
Now, let's start with... Whoops.

[the professor drops notecards. Homer starts laughing hysterically]

Homer:
Oh, do you see that jerk?

[Homer continues laughing]

Homer:
He dropped his notes.

[Homer howls with laughter]

[as the nerds move into the Simpson home]

Marge Simpson:
Mmm...

Homer:
Marge, they don't anywhere else to stay. And they're geniuses! They'll solve all our problems! They'll elevate us to the status of kings on earth!

Benjamin:
Mr. Simpson, we all have nosebleeds.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, for the love of...!

Inspector:
You're in big trouble, Burns! Homer Simpson's job requires college training in nuclear physics. Now you get your man up to speed, or we'll be forced to take legal action.

Mr. Burns:
Is that so? Well, I have a feeling you'll be... *dropping* the charges.

[He pushes a button on his desk. A trapdoor opens behind the inspectors, who stare at it curiously]

Mr. Burns:
Oh?

Smithers:
The painters moved your desk, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Ah, yes.

Bart Simpson:
Smart Tykes? You promised us we were going somewhere fun!

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, you promised, mom!

Marge Simpson:
I keep telling you stop calling me Mom.

Homer Simpson:
Yes, Mrs. Simpson.

Homer Simpson:
America can't collapse. We're as powerful as Ancient Rome.

Homer Simpson:
Well, what have we learned from our post-apocalyptic movie marathon?

Bart Simpson:
People named Preacher or Deacon are very bad; water is money, unless gasoline is money; and although there are a lot of sharp objects around, nobody ever shaves.

Homer Simpson:
Hollywood has taught you well, my son.

Homer Simpson:
Your end of the world is better than our during the world.

Marge Simpson:
You call yourself a good Christian?

Homer Simpson:
If Jesus had a gun, he'd be alive today.

Lisa Simpson:
Why is it whenever you wake us up early it means either church or getting new identities?

Homer Simpson:
Don't be silly, Mary-Ellen.

Homer Simpson:
Prepers? I hate you guys! With your blazers and country clubs, while we townies have to pay our own bills.

Lloyd:
We're prepers, not preppies. But I like your hatred.

Homer Simpson:
It's based on nothing.

Bart Simpson:
What are we coing to do now? We've been here five minutes and I'm already bored.

Homer Simpson:
Why don't you write down the names of all the celebrities rumored to be gay for future generations?

Bart Simpson:
Yes, sir!

Homer Simpson:
Society won't have to begin from square one.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, dad. What would you do if you got my ear in the mail?

Homer Simpson:
I dunno. Feed it to the dog?

Bart Simpson:
You'll have to wrap it in cheese first.

Homer Simpson:
Don't tell me how to feed you to the dog!

Homer Simpson:
The apocalypse is coming. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe never, but it's coming, and soon.

Lloyd:
Everyone but us is doomed. I am so jazzed!

Homer:
This is Ned Flanders, my friend!

Carl:
What'd he say?

Lenny:
I dunno, something about being gay.

Homer Simpson:
Don't worry, I brought my Rappin' Ronnie Reagan tape. It always makes the trip go faster.

[pops the tape in]

Ronald Reagan:
[in a Reagan-like voice] Well, well, well, w-w-w-well,well, well...

Homer Simpson:
[chuckles] You know something? He *did* say "well" a lot.

Homer:
God, if you really are God, you'll get me tickets to that game.

[doorbell rings]

Ned Flanders:
Heidely-ho, neighbor. Wanna go to the game with me? I got two tick...

Homer:
[slams the door, looks heavenward] Why do you mock me, O Lord?

Marge:
Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there.

[Marge scrapes it off the ceiling into Homer's hands]

Homer:
I know I shouldn't eat thee, but...

[bites]

Homer:
Mmm, sacrilicious.

Homer:
[singing] Nacho nacho man, I want to be a nacho man.

[Bart pulls two tickets out of his pockets]

Bart Simpson:
Hey dad, sell you these for fifty bucks!

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo! Sold!

[without a second thought, pulls out fifty dollars, hands it to Bart and takes his tickets. Bart happily runs out of the house]

Marge Simpson:
Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center."

[realizing he's been had]

Homer Simpson:
Why, you little... ! [ponders] Hmm, "free wig."

[imagines putting on Marge-type wig and humming]

Homer Simpson:
[in Marge voice] I love you, Homie. Hmm. [in normal voice] Heh heh heh. I don't need her at all anymore.

[Homer is camping out to buy football tickets]

Homer:
Heh-heh-heh, I did it. Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work.

Man:
With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper.

Homer:
In theory, yes.

[sotto voce]

Homer:
Jerk.

Maude Flanders:
[Fleeing in their car as Homer chases them down the street] Come on, Ned. Move this thing.

Ned Flanders:
[Yelling in frustration] I can't! It's a Geo!

Homer:
I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together of the Simpsons and the Flanders. If this were a more perfect world, we'd all be known as the Flimpsons.

Lisa:
It seems every week the Simpsons go through a situation like this. My suggestion is to just ride it out, make the occasional smart-aleck quip, and next week, we'll return right to where we were, ready for another wacky adventure.

Bart:
Aye carumba.

Lisa:
That's the spirit.

Kent Brockman:
Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.

Lenny:
[Homer and Flanders are entering the football stadium parking lot. Not wanting to be seen with Flanders, Homer pushes him down in his seat, making it look like the car is driving itself] Hey look, Homer's got one of those robot cars [seconds later, Flanders crashes]

Carl:
One of those *American* robot cars

Kent Brockman:
Springfield has come down with a fever: football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take 2 tickets, and see the game Sunday morning.

TV Service Announcer:
Warning. Tickets should NOT be taken internally.

Homer:
See? Because of me, now they have a warning.

Homer:
If everyone here were more like Ned Flanders, there'd be no need for Heaven, we would already be there.

Marge:
[regarding a waffle on the ceiling] Homer, that's not God, that's a waffle.

Homer:
[eats it] Mmm, sacrelicious.

Moe Syszlak:
[after Ned recognizes Moe from his charity reading to sick kids] If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt!

Patty Bouvier:
Who undid my do?

Ned Flanders:
I didn't do didley, and certainly not squat.

Selma Bouvier:
I'd never thought I'd say this, but Homer Simpson, do me!

[Homer puts the shears to his throat]

Selma Bouvier:
I meant my hair.

[Homer sighs in relief]

Homer Simpson:
One hundred dollars? Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?

Marge Simpson:
A hundred.

Homer Simpson:
Woo hoo!

Marge Simpson:
Well, Newsweek says it's good to change careers, right after they laid off all their editors.

Lisa Simpson:
I don't get it. Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be into a Milhouse like Milhouse?

Bart Simpson:
I dunno. It's just one of those mysteries, I guess. Like how do my clothes pick themselves up from the floor and fold themselves into my drawers.

Homer Simpson:
Like Mozart and Johnny Knoxville, my genius cannot be stopped.

Hans Moleman:
[Lisa catches him and Lunchlady Doris at Holding Hands Point] We're just trying to rekindle our relationship.

Lunchlady Doris:
In the sack, he's Salsbury steak. Everywhere else, creamed corn.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Homer, you make my toes curl. You really know how to please a woman.

Homer Simpson:
As long as I don't have to lose weight or change my pants.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, thanks to your unlicensed barbery, Patty and Selma have been getting compliments all day at the DMV.

Abraham Simpson:
You two look good. Open-casket good!

Homer Simpson:
[Gasp] A hundred dollars! Marge, how much is that in smackeroos?

Marge Simpson:
A hundred.

Homer Simpson:
Woo hoo!

Lisa Simpson:
Why would a popular fifth grader like Taffy be interested in a Milhouse like Milhouse?

Bart Simpson:
I dunno. It's one of those mysteries like: How do my clothes get clean and put back in my drawers?

Lindsay Naegle:
I hear this is the home of Springfield's hottest hairdresser. I need a haircut, and I need it in 3-2-1 now!

Homer Simpson:
Lady, I'm not a hairdresser, I just put a new lid on a couple of trash cans.

Marge Simpson:
Homie, you sure know how to please a woman.

Homer Simpson:
As long as it doesn't involve losing weight or changing my pants.

Bart Simpson:
[Jumps in front of Lisa as she paints] Ha-ha! I ruined your painting!

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, this isn't a photograph. I'm not going to paint you just because... [Sees that she has painted in Bart] Augh! You just ruined six months work!

Bart Simpson:
Gee, I'm really sorry... it wasn't a year!

Lisa Simpson:
You're going to regret the day you were born!

Bart Simpson:
I already do. It's too close to Christmas.

Selma Bouvier:
You did this? With your fat fingers and brain the size of a superball? [Cut to cross-section of Homer's head, showing brain bouncing around until it comes out his ear and bounces away]

Homer Simpson:
And stay out!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Lisa, I love you. Is that love requited or un?

Lisa Simpson:
I'm sorry, Milhouse, but I don't love you and I never will.

Taffy:
I love your poem. It was romantic, and it rhymed.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Well, I used a rhyming dictionary, but it only gives you options. The job of the poet is to say, "this one, I guess."

Homer Simpson:
All day long it's boring, endless talk, and I have to stand there with a phoney grin plastered on my face.

Moe:
[phoney grin plastered on face] Uh-huh.

Milhouse Van Houten:
[to Lisa after she ruins Millhouse's new Relationship] You don't want me to be with you. You don't want me to be with somebody else. How miserable do have to be before your happy? [Starts sobbing]

Homer Simpson:
Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?

Lisa Simpson:
Because they discovered gold right over there.

Homer Simpson:
It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Marge Simpson:
This should be very educational. I want you kids to pay attention.

Tour Guide:
Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days; Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trail hand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.

Homer Simpson:
Three minutes.

[whistles]

Marge Simpson:
I never realized history was so filthy!

Tour Guide:
First on our tour is the whore house. Then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and finally the old mission.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, thank heaven.

Tour Guide:
Lots of prostitutes in there!

Grampa Simpson:
[finishes a drink] Ah, can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood.

Bartender:
Heh, you like it, huh?

Grampa Simpson:
Up yours!

Grampa Simpson:
Am I dead yet?

Marge Simpson:
No.

Grampa Simpson:
How about now?

Marge Simpson:
No.

Grampa Simpson:
Now?

Marge Simpson:
I'll tell you when you're dead, Grampa.

Grampa Simpson:
Thank you.

Robot 1:
Hey, these cards are marked.

[table falls]

Robot 2:
Now look what you've done.

Robot 1:
I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.

Robot 3:
Let's forget this whole thing happened.

Homer:
What the heck is this, a tea party? Somebody kill somebody.

[Homer smashes a bottle on a robot's head. The robots begin to shoot Homer, who dives under a table]

Marge:
What is it with you and robots?

Guide:
Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by prostitute express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from Saint Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as a place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes.

Homer:
Three minutes.

[whistles]

Marge:
I never realized history was so filthy.

Homer:
Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away?

Lisa:
Because they discovered gold right over there.

Homer:
It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything.

Marge:
Aren't you going to perform the last rites?

Rev. Lovejoy:
That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to perform a voodoo dance.

[Homer has joined a crew of "lost souls"]

Woman:
We wander the seven seas trying to forget.

Homer:
Forget what?

Englishman:
Oh, boy, here we go.

Woman:
My story of jilted love is long and bittersweet. If anyone has to go to the bathroom, go now. I don't want you walking around during my story.

Englishman:
My story's better, it has tigers.

Homer:
It's everybody's fault but mine.

Homer Simpson:
[watching hi-definition TV] What a picture. You can see the soulless emptiness in that shark's eyes. [changes channels] Ooh, Two and a Half Men. You can see the soulless emptiness in Charlie Sheen's eyes.

Charles:
I have a joke.

Marge Simpson:
Ooh! I like jokes. As long as it's not a knock-knock joke. I always ruin them by saying "come in".

Charles:
So, there's a man, right? and he comes across a genie.

Marge Simpson:
That's funny!

Charles:
That's just the setup.

Marge Simpson:
Oh. Well, it's set me up for a lot of laughs.

Charles:
So, the genie says to the man "I'll give you three wishes, but everything you wish for, your wife will get double."

Marge Simpson:
Umm-hmmm.

Charles:
So, the man says "I want a brand new car," and the genie says "Your wife gets two!" You remember, the whole double...? [Marge smiles and nods] Then the man says "I want a house." "Your wife gets two!" You see how it works...? So now the man has one more wish, and here's the humor, right? The man says, "I want you to beat me half to death." [laughs] Right, you see? See, since the wife gets double, if the man gets beaten half to death, that means the wife would be beaten to death!

Marge Simpson:
That's not funny. That's horrible!

Charles:
I agree, simply awful, spousal abuse and all... It is a wee bit humorous, though, don't you think?

Marge Simpson:
No.

Charles:
No, of course not.

Marge Simpson:
I did like the part with the genie, though.

Charles:
One more kind word from her, and I am completely smitten.

Marge Simpson:
Ooh, the toaster takes bagels. How ritzy.

Charles:
And there you have it.

Sideshow Mel:
I've never seen a picture so highly defined!

Homer Simpson:
[Homer is giving a report on CSI: Miami] So some guy got killed. I think it was in Miami. So CSI: Miami investigate-ted it. Then a family said how much they loved the Olive Garden. Then I fell asleep.

[Apu is shot]

Apu:
Ah. The searing kiss of hot lead; how I missed you. I mean, I think I'm dying.

[Homer and Apu on a quest through the Himalayas to get Apu's job back]

Apu:
There it is, the world's first convenience store.

Homer:
This isn't very convenient.

Apu:
Must you knock on everything we do?

Apu:
[singing] Whether igloo, hut, or geodesic dome there's no structure that I've been to that I'd rather call my home. When I first arrived you were all such jerks but now I've come to love your quirks. Maggie with her eyes so bright, Marge with hair by Frank Lloyd Wright, Lisa can phyliosophize, Bart's adept at spinning lies, Homer's a delightful fellow, sorry about the samonella.

Homer:
[laughing] That's okay.

Apu:
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart, now here's the tricky part, oh won't you rhyme with me? Who needs the Kwwik-E-Mart?

Marge:
Their floors are stik-e-mart.

Lisa:
They made dad sik-e-mart.

Bart:
Let's hurl a brik-e-mart.

Homer:
The Kwik-E-Mart is real... D'OH!

Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart:
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?

Apu:
Not me!

Homer, Marge, Lisa, Bart:
Forget the Kwik-E-Mart. Good bye to Kwik-E-Mart. Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart?

Apu:
Not me.

Homer:
Everything wrapped up nicely. Earlier than usual.

Marge:
I guess happiness is wherever you find it.

Homer:
And we've all found happiness. Every one of us.

Apu:
[Sobbing]

Homer:
What's that sound?

Apu:
Who needs the Kwik-E-Mart? I do.

Homer:
Hey! He lied to us through song. I hate it when people do that.

Homer:
Apu, if it makes you feel any better, I've learned that life is just one crushing defeat after another until you finally just wish Flanders was dead.

James Woods:
[after just giving Jimbo change at the Kwik-E-Mart] Hey, excuse me... sorry, but did you believe that? I mean, did you believe that I was giving you the money?

Jimbo Jones:
Well, actually, I thought it was kinda forced. You've got to lose yourself in the character, man.

James Woods:
Lose yourself... yeah... yeah! Okay, let's try this again. You be you, and I'll be me.

Jimbo Jones:
[Confused] I'm... me?

James Woods:
Hey! Don't... jerk around with me buddy.

James Woods:
Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to fight aliens on a far away planet.

Marge:
Oh, that sounds like a good movie!

James Woods:
Uhh... yes, yes... movie...

The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart:
Welcome, my friends. You may ask any three questions.

Apu:
Oh that's great because I only have one.

Homer:
Are you really the head of the Kwik-E-Mart?

The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart:
Yes.

Homer:
Really?

The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart:
Yes.

Homer:
You?

The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart:
Yes. I hope this has been enlightening. Thank you, come again.

Apu:
But sir, I!

The Preisdent of the Kwik-E-Mart:
Thank you. Come again.

[Homer and Apu are leaving the kwik-e-mart]

Homer:
Well that was a big bust. Was he really the head of the kwik-e-mart?

[while eating the Indian food Apu prepared]

Marge:
Hmm, well, it certainly is exotic.

[Lisa begins panting]

Marge:
Oh, honey, is that too spicy for you?

Lisa:
[in a high, squeaky, soft voice] I can see through time!

Apu:
I have come to make amends, sir. At first, I blamed you for squealing, but then I realized, it was I who wronged you. So I have come to work off my debt. I am at your service.

Homer:
You're... selling what, now?

Apu:
I am selling only the concept of karmic realignment.

Homer:
You can't sell that! Karma can only be portioned out by the cosmos.

[Slams the door]

Apu:
He's got me there.

Apu:
Silly customer, you cannot hurt a Twinkie.

Lisa Simpson:
Guess what, mom? I'm a cruciverbalist!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Lisa, another religion? You know, you'll just drop the whole thing at college when you get a Jewish boyfriend.

Superintendent Chalmers:
I'm a bit of a crossword head myself. They help me relax after a day of having to deal with... Skinner!

Principal Seymour Skinner:
You called?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Made reference.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
My mistake.

Homer Simpson:
Sweety, will you please look at daddy!

Lisa Simpson:
You stopped being my daddy when you bet against me! All I have now is a mom. That's why I'm taking her maiden name. So from now on, my name is Lisa Bouvier! [Homer gasps]

Nelson Muntz:
Hey, Mr. S. Lisa B.

Homer Simpson:
Nooo!

Girl:
Would you like to buy some band candy?

Homer Simpson:
Yeees!

Bart Simpson:
Ice cold lemonade! Sweet sunshine in your mouth! Buy a glass or I'll punch my sister!

Lisa Simpson:
It's true! He's not bluffing!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, I'm going to a hard-core gay club, and I won't be back until three in the morning!

Marge Simpson:
Have fun!

Homer Simpson:
We dispose of your relationships humanely thanks to our patented TenderDump system. We'll be there in thirty minutes, our your next break-up is freeee!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, if I had a hundred dollars for each couple I broke up, I'd have this much, 'cause that's what I charge.

Homer Simpson:
I win! And like any prudent gambler, I know when to walk away: never.

Michelle Kwan:
Beware the wrath of Kwan!

Warren Sapp:
Yo Michelle you got a boyfriend?

Michelle Kwan:
Not in here I don't.

[Tom Brady is riding a scooter down the football field]

Tom Brady:
[shouts] Everyone sucks but me!

LeBron James:
Omelets for dinner? This is the best day of my life!

Lisa Simpson:
Didn't you just sign a ninety-million-dollar contract?

LeBron James:
That was a good day, too.

Ming Yao:
[to Homer] Master, you are truly a fool.

Barney:
[in Moe's Tavern] And I say, that England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston!

Wade Boggs:
Pitt the Elder!

Barney:
Lord Palmerston!

Wade Boggs:
Pitt the Elder!

Barney:
Okay, you asked for it, Boggs!

[punches him out]

Moe:
Yeah, that's showing him, Barn'!

[disbelieving] Pitt the Elder...

Barney:
Lord Palmerston!

[punches him out]

[Marge is filming Homer sitting in the dugout at a softball game. Homer starts to scratch his crotch]

Marge Simpson:
Oh, dear.

[points the camera at her feet]

Marge Simpson:
Children, tell me when your father stops scratching himself.

[long pause]

Marge Simpson:
Kids...?

Bart Simpson:
We'll tell you, Mom.

Homer Simpson:
You're Darryl Strawberry!

Darryl Strawberry:
Yes.

Homer Simpson:
You play right field.

Darryl Strawberry:
Yes.

Homer Simpson:
I play right field too.

Darryl Strawberry:
So?

Homer Simpson:
Well, are you better than me?

Darryl Strawberry:
Well, I've never met you, but... yes.

[Mr. Burns made a bet that the plant softball team would beat Shelbyville]

Mr. Burns:
I've decided to bring in a few ringers, professional baseballers. We'll give them token jobs at the plant and have them play on our softball team. Honus Wagner, Cap Anson, Mordecai "Three-Finger" Brown...

Smithers:
Uh, sir?

Mr. Burns:
What is it, Smithers?

Smithers:
I'm afraid all of those players have retired and, uh... passed on. In fact, your right-fielder has been dead for a hundred and thirty years.

[Mr. Burns hired a hypnotist to make the plant softball team win]

Hypnotist:
You are all very good players.

Players:
[chanting in unison] We are all very good players.

Hypnotist:
You will beat Shelbyville.

Players:
[chanting in unison] We will beat Shelbyville.

Hypnotist:
You will give one hundred and ten percent.

Players:
[chanting in unison] That's impossible. No one can give more than one hundred percent. By definition that is the most anyone can give.

Jose Canseco:
So I'll get $50,000 to play one game?

Waylon Smithers:
That's right, Mr. Canseco.

Jose Canseco:
Well, it's a pay cut, but what the hey.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, is it wrong to cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?

Smithers:
Yes, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Let me rephrase that. Is it wrong if *I* cheat in order to win a million dollar bet?

Smithers:
No, sir. Who would you like killed?

[to his softball team]

Mr. Burns:
All right, you ragtag bunch of misfits! You hate me, and I hate you even more. But without my beloved ringers, you're all I've got. So I want you to remember some inspiring words that someone else might have told you over the course of your lives, and go out there and win!

Homer Simpson:
Hey Clemens, did I make the team?

Roger Clemens:
You sure did.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo! In your face, Strawberry!

Roger Clemens:
Wait a minute. Are you Ken Griffey Jr.?

Homer Simpson:
No.

Roger Clemens:
Sorry. Didn't mean to get your hopes up.

[Homer unveils the Wonder Bat to Lenny and Carl. They are less than impressed]

Lenny:
Yeah, well, I've got a magic bat, too!

Carl:
And I got an enchanted jock strap!

Mr. Burns:
What about Clemens?

Smithers:
Sir, he's in no condition to play.

[Clemens flaps his arms and clucks like a chicken]

Mr. Burns:
That damned hypnotist! [to hypnotist] You! Look what you've done. My starting pitcher thinks he's a chicken.

Dr. Hibbert:
[Examining Mike Scioscia who is heavily radiated] Mike, try to lift your arm.

Mike Scioscia:
[struggling to lift his left arm] Can't, lift, arm, or, speak, at, normal, rate.

Dr. Hibbert:
It seems that you have an acute dose of radiation poisoning.

Mike Scioscia:
Will, I, be, able, to, play, softball, tomorrow?

Dr. Hibbert:
[laughs] No. By tomorrow you'll barely be able to breathe.

Mike Scioscia:
[struggling to move his head] Oh, man.

Nurse:
[bursting into room] Dr. Hibbert, Ken Griffey, Jr. needs to see you immediately!

[Hibbert peers through curtains and is horrified to see a gigantism-suffering Griffey in a wheelchair]

Dr. Hibbert:
[shocked] Good Lord! Gigantism!

Mr. Burns:
[Seeing Don Mattingly shaved the middle of his head off] Mattingly, I thought I told you to trim those sideburns? Go home, you're off the team, for good!

Don Mattingly:
Fine.

[Under his breath]

Don Mattingly:
I still like him better than Steinbrenner.

Ken Griffey Jr.:
[after tasting brain tonic for thew first time] Wow. It feels like a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited.

Mike Scioscia:
Whoa, this really beats the pressure of playing big league ball, there if you make a mistake, and "boom" the media is all over you.

Homer Simpson:
Where do you think you're going?

Lisa Simpson:
To the game.

Homer Simpson:
No, no! I don't want you to see me sitting on my worthless butt!

Bart Simpson:
We've seen it, Dad.

Homer Simpson:
[watching TV credits] I liked the producing, the executive producing and especially the co-producing, but the supervising producing was the best I've ever seen!

Homer Simpson:
The boy's acting really weird. I did everything that T.V. show told me to and he's still not happy.

Marge Simpson:
Well, maybe you shouldn't listen to a 30 - year old T.V. show that only got on the air because the creator had evidence the network president ran over a guy.

Announcer:
Thicker Than Waters was filmed live before a studio audience.

Homer Simpson:
He, he, he. Everyone in that studio audience is dead now.

Bart Simpson:
I think I just found the thing I'm gonna die on.

Lisa Simpson:
Maybe if you studied harder and got better grades, Dad would give you the money for that bike.

Bart Simpson:
Does dad give you money for good grades?

Lisa Simpson:
I've been doing the family's checkbooks for years. I take what I need.

Homer Simpson:
Things were so much simpler when a machine told you when to laugh.

Bart Simpson:
I like going to work with you, dad.

Homer Simpson:
And I like having you here, son. 'Cause you can wake me up if someone comes.

Apu:
Mister Homer, you accidentally left your nuclear plant identification badge in the birthday card aisle.

Homer Simpson:
Can't lose that. It's the only good picture of me I have.

Homer Simpson:
Why would a child go to the zoo?

Sheldon Leavitt:
[after writing a script] It's good enough. Let's go home.

Sheldon Leavitt:
I slept with everyone in the cast, including the dog.

James Lipton:
To quote Chandler Bing from Friends, too much information. And to quote Dwayne from What's Happenin'!, Hey... hey... hey.

Homer Simpson:
[singing the Thicker Than Waters theme] This is my favorite song now. Sorry, Don't Fear The Reaper.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Oh my God! I found my new look!

[Milhouse shows Bart a pair of overalls]

Bart Simpson:
Those are girl overalls.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I could pull it off!

Homer Simpson:
Can I have it Dad? [showing Homer a picture of the minibike]

Homer Simpson:
Huh?

Bart Simpson:
Can I?

Homer Simpson:
You still see that crow on shows sometimes.

Homer Simpson:
Hmm, hmm! Marge, would like a ''Thicker Than Waters'' collectable plate?

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you can't order anything from that magazine. It's 25 years old.

Homer Simpson:
Oh yeah? I'll show you. TV Guide Offer, 1 World Trade Center...

James Lipton:
Rebecca, you briefly inspired a hairstyle called "the Lizzy". Is "the Lizzy" with us here tonight?

Rebecca:
I was clear with your people that I would not recreate "the Lizzy".

James Lipton:
Oh but "the Lizzy" is here.

James Lipton:
[puts on a "Lizzy" wig"]

James Lipton:
I shouldn't judge my prom date just because he's in a wheelchair. I should judge him by who he is in here. The family hugs.

Sheldon Leavitt:
It's good enough. Let's go home.

Homer:
Why won't those stupid idiots let me into their crappy club for jerks?

Marge:
Homer, a man who called himself "you-know-who" just invited you to a secret "wink-wink" at the "you-know-what". You certainly are popular now that you're a Stonecutter.

Homer:
Oh, yeah. Beer busts, beer blasts, keggers, stein hoists, AA meetings, beer night. It's wonderful, Marge. I've never felt so accepted in all my life. These people looked deep within my soul and assigned me a number based on the order in which I joined.

Homer:
I'd give anything to get into the Stonecutters.

Lisa:
What do they do there, Dad?

Grampa:
I'm a member -

Homer:
What do they do? What *don't* they do? [laughs] Oh, they do so many things they never stop. Oh, the things they do there, my stars.

Lisa:
You don't know what they do there, do you?

Homer:
Not as such, no.

Bart:
Dad, remember those self-hypnosis courses we took to help us ignore Grampa?

Homer:
Do I ever! It's five years later and I still think I'm a chicken. I'm a chicken, Marge!

Marge:
I know, I know.

Grampa:
I'm a member!

Homer:
Huh?

Grampa:
What?

Homer:
What?

Grampa:
Huh?

Lisa:
You're a member of the Stonecutters, Grampa?

Grampa:
Oh, sure. Let's see... [starts going through the cards in his wallet] I'm an elk, a Mason, a communist. I'm the president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance for some reason. Ah, here it is. The Stonecutters.

Homer:
This is it! My ticket in: they have to let me in if I'm the son of a member. I'll take this communist one too.

Marge Simpson:
Kids can be so cruel.

Bart Simpson:
[walking by] We can? Thanks Mom! [runs off]

Lisa Simpson:
Ow, cut it out Bart!

Number One:
[at Homer's initiation] And now for the final ordeal: The Paddling Of The Swollen Ass! With paddles.

Homer:
I swear, that if I ever reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, that my stomach shall become bloated, and my head plucked of all but three hairs...

Moe Szyslak:
Um, I think he should have to take a different oath.

Number One:
Everybody takes the same oath!

Number One:
Welcome to the club, Number 493. You have become a member of the ancient and noble society of Stonecutters, who since ancient times have always endeavored to shatter the stone of ignorance, to bring forth the light of truth... now, let's all get drunk and play Ping-Pong!

Marge:
Oh, Homer, don't start stalking people again. It's so illegal. Remember when you were stalking Charles Karault because you thought he dug up your garden?

Homer:
Well, something did.

Marge:
I don't want you stalking people tonight.

Homer:
All right, fine. I'll be right back. I'm just going outside... to... stalk... Lenny and Carl... D'oh!

Number One:
This ritual is called crossing the desert. [the Stonecutters hit Homer with paddles as part of his initiation ceremony]

[Homer pooh-poohs churchgoing]

Marge:
Don't make me choose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.

Homer:
There you go again, always taking someone else's side. Flanders, the water department, God...

Homer:
Ah, another beautiful day in the womb.

Bart:
Hey, where's Homer?

Marge:
Your father is... resting.

Bart:
"Resting" hung over? "Resting" got fired? Help me out here.

Homer Simpson:
I'm not a bad guy! I work hard, and I love my kids. So why should I spend half my Sunday hearing about how I'm going to hell?

God:
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to appear on a tortilla in Mexico.

[on Sunday, the church doors are frozen shut by the blizzard outside; as the congregation waits, Willie applies a blowtorch]

Reverend Lovejoy:
How's it going, Willie?

Groundskeeper Willie:
Miracles are your department, Reverend!

[on Sunday, the heat in the church has broken down during a blizzard outside]

Reverend Lovejoy:
[reading] "... and he was cast into the fiery cauldron of Hell! The searing heat, the scalding rivers of molten sulfur...!"

[the congregation, eyes closed, smile blissfully]

Bart:
Ahh... I'm there.

Homer:
[watching "The Three Stooges" on TV] Moe is their leader.

Reverend Lovejoy:
Homer, I'd like you to remember Matthew 7:26. "The foolish man who built his house upon the sand."

Homer:
[pointing a finger] And you remember

[thinks]

Homer:
Matthew... 21:17.

Reverend Lovejoy:
[confused] "And he left them and went out of the city, into Bethany, and he lodged there?"

Homer:
Yeah. Think about it.

Marge:
I have a responsibility to raise these children right and, unless you change, I'll have to tell them their father is... well, wicked.

Homer:
[to Lisa and Bart] Kids, let me tell you about another so-called wicked guy. He had long hair, and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was...

[thinks]

Homer:
I forget. But the point is...

[thinks]

Homer:
I forget that, too.

[to Marge]

Homer:
Marge, you know who I'm talking about! He used to drive that blue car.

Homer:
[dozing while the fire spreads] Marge, turn down the heat? [pause, nothing happens] That's better!

Homer:
Lord, I have to ask you something: What's the meaning of life?

God:
Oh Homer, I can't tell you that! You'll find out when you die.

Homer:
But I can't wait that long!

God:
You can't wait six months?

Rev. Lovejoy:
No Homer, God didn't burn your house down, but he was working in the hearts of your friends be they Christian, Jew, or... miscellaneous.

Apu:
Hindu. There are seven hundred million of us.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Aww, that's super.

[doorbell rings; Homer answers the door to Krusty]

Krusty the Clown:
Hello, I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of seventy-five Jewish clowns. The worst incident was outside our convention in Lubbock, Texas. [choking up] There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere! [sobs] It was terrible...!

Homer:
Wait a minute. Is this a religious thing?

Krusty the Clown:
A religious clown thing, yes.

Homer:
Sorry.

Krusty the Clown:
Well, bless you anyw...

[Homer shuts the door on him]

Lisa Simpson:
[In church] Our Father, Who art in Heaven...

Bart:
Lisa, this is neither the time nor the place!

Marge:
Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

Homer:
Well in that case, He should've made the week an hour longer. Lousy God.

Homer:
I'm sorry. I can't come in today. Religious holiday. The feast of... Maximum Occupancy.

Homer:
What's the big deal about going to some building every Sunday?... and what if we've picked the wrong religion? Every week we're just making god madder and madder.

[while Moe is away, Homer is in charge of the bar]

Homer:
[picks up phone] Hello?

Bart:
Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie.

Homer:
Ooh, Bart. My first prank call. What do I do?

Bart:
Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.

Homer:
I don't get it.

Bart:
Yell out "I'll eat a booger".

Homer:
What's the gag?

Bart:
[sighs] Oh, forget it.

[hangs up]

[R.E.M. is playing in Homer's garage]

Peter Buck:
Michael, are you sure these guys are millionaires?

Michael Stipe:
Of course I'm sure, would a poor person afford to have a bar in his garage?

Moe:
You can't run a bar in your garage, it's illegal.

Homer:
Bar? This isn't a bar. This is a hunting club.

Michael Stipe:
You lied to us.

[Michael Stipe smashes a beer bottle and tries to attack Homer]

Peter Buck:
Michael, no.

Mike Mills:
It's not the R.E.M. way.

Michael Stipe:
You're right. Come on, let's recycle these shards and get out of here.

[Homer, Lenny, Carl and Barney are sitting in Homer's garage, drinking]

Homer:
[to Marge] Barkeep. Another beer.

Marge:
Wasn't this supposed to be your tavern?

Homer:
It's a family place. Right, kids?

Lisa:
Can we go to bed now?

Moe:
It's like my dad always said: eventually, everybody gets shot.

[At Moe's alma mater, the bartending college]

Professor:
Moe Szyslak, you old glass wipe.

[singing along with an R.E.M. song]

Homer:
Leonardo what-his-name, Herman Munster motorcade, birthday party Cheet-Os, pogo sticks and lemonade, idiotic stupid jerk, that's right Flanders, I am talking about you!

Lisa:
This is pretty far to go just to spite Moe, isn't it?

Homer:
It's not about spite, it's about petty revenge, and getting back at that traitor Moe.

Dr. Bob Kaufmann:
Is there a lot of screaming at your house?

Bart:
Well, my dad's always yelling about the white man keeping him down.

Smithers:
Mr. Burns can't stand talking to his mother. He never forgave her for having that affair with President Taft.

Homer:
Heh, heh, heh! Taft, you old dog!

Moe Szyslak:
[Mr. Burns has sent Smithers on vacation. Deciding he needs him back, he tries to call him, but, not knowing how to use a telephone, he simply dials the name S-M-I-T-H-E-R-S. It turns out he has dialed Moe's Tavern] Moe's Tavern.

Montgomery Burns:
Hello, I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers, first name Waylon?

Moe Szyslak:
[Thinking it is a crank call] Oh, Waylon Smithers, huh? Listen to me, you! When I catch you I'm gonna pull out your eyes and shove'em down your pants! So you can watch me kick the crap of out you! Okay? Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!

Homer Simpson:
Here are your messages: "You have thirty minutes to move your car." "You have ten minutes." "Your car has been impounded." "Your car has been crushed into a cube." "You have thirty minutes to move your cube."

Homer Simpson:
[Phone Rings] Y'ello, Mr. Burns Office?

Mr. Burns:
Is it about my cube?

Homer:
Oh, man, oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad.

Mr. Burns:
I'll have my lunch now: a single pillow of shredded wheat, some steamed toast, and a dodo egg.

Homer:
But I think the dodo went extinct...

Mr. Burns:
Get going. And answer those phones, install a computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Smithers:
I have to find someone to replace me while I'm gone who won't outshine me. I'll search the employee database under the word "incompetent".

Computer:
715 matches found.

Smithers:
714 names? I'd better narrow the search. Let's see... "lazy", "clumsy", "monstrously ugly".

Computer:
Searching... 714 matches found.

Smithers:
Nuts to this! I'll just go and get Homer Simpson.

Montgomery Burns:
Donuts? I told you I don't like ethnic food!

Bart Simpson:
[Homer is eating fruit from a fruit basket he has received from Smithers] What'd you get that for?

Homer:
For knocking Mr. Burns out of a third storey window.

Bart Simpson:
Makes sense to me.

Lisa Simpson:
Did he die?

Homer:
What am I, a Doctor?

Montgomery Burns:
Pull yourself together, man! I dare say you're in need of a long vacation.

Smithers:
No! Don't make me take a vacation! Without you, I'll wither and die!

Montgomery Burns:
That's a risk I'm willing to take!

Smithers:
Your new duties will include answering Mr. Burns' phone, preparing his tax return, moistening his eyeballs, assisting with his chewing and swallowing, lying to Congress, and some light typing.

Homer:
Mr. Burns has a mother? She must be a hundred million years old!

Smithers:
She has limited capacities. All she can do is dial and yell.

Montgomery Burns:
Really, Smithers, I'll be fine. I'm sure your replacement will be able to handle everything. Who is he, anyway?

Smithers:
Uh, Homer Simpson, sir. One of your organ banks from sector 7G. All the recent events of your life have revolved around him in some way.

Montgomery Burns:
Simpson, eh?

Marge Simpson:
Homie, it's 4.30 in the morning. Little Rascals isn't on till 6.00.

Homer:
I know. I'm taping it. I want to get to Mr. Burns' house bright and early to make his breakfast.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, poor Homie. Poor, poor - - [Falls asleep]

Bart Simpson:
[Homer is asleep on the couch] Look alive, Simpson! I'm not paying you to goldbrick! [Claps hands]

Homer:
Yes! Yes, sir.

Bart Simpson:
[Hands him a Math book and a pencil] Now get cracking on my long division, and don't forget to show your work, Simpson.

Homer:
I'll have it on your desk in the morning, sir.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart! Leave Simpson alone! [Whispering in Homer's ear] Simpson, I need a ride to the library.

Homer:
Yes, sir.

Marge Simpson:
Kids! Stop exploiting your father! Homie, why don't you lie down and relax?

Homer:
No time, Marge. I think Mr. Burns wants me to do some long division.

Marge Simpson:
Simpson, lie down! Sorry, but you need a good night's rest.

Homer:
[High pitched] Hello, Mr. Burns. This is your mother.

Smithers:
[Whispering] No.

Mr. Burns:
Guh. Oh, hello, Mater. Uh, sorry about pulling the plug on you and all. Who could have known you'd pull through and live for another five decades? Oh, is my face red!

Smithers:
[Whispering] Mrs. Burns is 122 years old, so try to sound more desiccated. And she doesn't call her son Mr. Burns!

Homer:
[Raspy] Son, this is Mrs. Burns. I just called to say, I don't love you. You are a bad son, Montel.

Mr. Burns:
[Appears beside Homer] So! Impersonate my mother, will you? And you Smithers! You must have put him up to it!

Montgomery Burns:
Get going! And answer those phones, install the computer system, and rotate my office so the window faces the hills.

Homer:
[taking notes] Uh huh. Uh huh. Okay. Um, can you repeat the part of the stuff where you said all about the... things. Uh... the things? [Burns looks at him meanly]

Kent Brockman:
'Twas the night before Christmas, and in this house a creature *was* stirring. But the only thing he was stirring was: up trouble.

Homer:
So I said, "Look buddy, your car was upside-down when I got here. And as for your grandmother, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that."

Homer Simpson:
Never ever stop in the middle of a hoe-down.

Homer Simpson:
It's time to clean up this town!

Seymour Skinner:
Meaning what, exactly?

Homer Simpson:
You know, push people around, make ourselves feel big.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad! There was a burglar, and he took my saxophone!

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo!

Bart Simpson:
And our portable TV!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Marge Simpson:
He also took my pearl necklace.

Homer Simpson:
Eh, that's no big loss.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, that neckless was a priceless Bouvier family heirloom!

Homer Simpson:
You've probably got a whole drawer full of those things.

Marge Simpson:
[Opens a drawer, pulls out a ball made of identical necklaces, removes one from the ball and puts it on] Well, yes I do. But they're all heirlooms too.

[looking at a board marking the cat burglar's victimized houses]

Chief Wiggum:
What do you think of this, boys?

Eddie:
Well, it doesn't look like anything, but if you move these two here, and this one here...

Chief Wiggum:
It almost looks like an arrow.

Lou:
And it's pointing right at this police station.

Chief Wiggum:
Let's get out of here!

[everyone runs]

Homer:
[reading the newspaper] Asleep at the switch? I wasn't asleep. I was drunk.

Apu:
[Camped out on top of the Kwik-E-Mart with a shotgun, taking shots at customers that pull up] Thank you for coming! I'll see you in Hell!

Homer Simpson:
Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-ball, Skinner can be Eight-ball, Barney will be Twelve-ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-ball.

Moe Szyslak:
You're an idiot.

Malloy:
Homer, old chap, well done. If anyone was going to catch me, I'm glad it was you.

Homer Simpson:
Actually, it wasn't me, it was my dad, Grampa.

Abe Simpson:
Thanks, Son. So you see, old people aren't so useless after all. Malloy's old, and he outsmarted the lot of you. And I'm even older and I outsmarted him! Ah ha ha ha...

Moe Szyslak:
Shut up.

Abe Simpson:
[meekly] I've had my moment.

Homer Simpson:
So, Mr. Malloy, it seems that the cat has been caught by the very person who was trying to catch him.

Seymour Skinner:
How ironic.

Seymour Skinner:
Any sign of the burglar yet?

Homer Simpson:
He'll show.

Seymour Skinner:
How's that?

Homer Simpson:
It's his job.

Seymour Skinner:
How's that?

Homer Simpson:
He's a burglar.

[they nod at one another as the theme music from "Dragnet" plays]

Marge Simpson:
Homer, wasn't the whole point to catch the Cat Burglar?

Lisa Simpson:
And I still don't have my saxophone.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, the mob is working on getting your saxophone back. But we've also expanded into other important areas. Literacy programs, preserving our beloved covered bridges, world domination...

Lisa Simpson:
World domination?

Homer Simpson:
Oh ho, heh, that might be a typo. [thinks] Mental note: the girl knows too much.

Homer Simpson:
All right: these are our new family security rules. Be home before dark, and make sure you're not followed. Lock all doors and windows.

Marge Simpson:
And don't take candy from strangers.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, they're only human!

Kent Brockman:
Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

Professor:
Yes I would, Kent.

Homer Simpson:
Now, we need code names. I'll be Cue-Ball, Skinner can be Eight-Ball, Barney will be Twelve-Ball, and Moe, you can be Cue-Ball.

Moe Szyslak:
You're an idiot.

Jimbo Jones:
Hey, you're that drunken posse. Wow! Can I join ya?

Homer Simpson:
I don't know, can you swing a sack of doorknobs?

Jimbo Jones:
Can I!

Homer Simpson:
You're in. Here's the sack!

Moe Szyslak:
But you gotta supply your own knobs!

Kent Brockman:
Mr. Simpson, how do you respond to the charges that petty vandalism such as graffiti is down eighty percent, while heavy sack beatings are up a shocking nine hundred percent?

Homer Simpson:
Aw, you can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. Forfty percent of all people know that.

Kent Brockman:
I see. Well, what do you say to the accusation that your group has been causing more crimes than it's been preventing?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Kent, I'd be lying if I said my men weren't committing crimes.

Kent Brockman:
[pause] Well, touch?.

Kent Brockman:
Well, it looks like we have our first caller. And I mean ever, because this is not a call-in show.

[forming a vigilante group]

Homer:
All right, I'll be Cue Ball. Barney can be Eight Ball, Lenny will be Twelve Ball, and Moe, you'll be Cue Ball.

Moe:
You're an idiot.

Homer Simpson:
Can you help me out? I need change for a dollar. Oh - I also need a dollar.

Marge Simpson:
[after seeing a TV show wherein a character has the same name as Homer] It was all a coincidence... like that guy named Anthony Michael Hall that stole your stereo.

Bart Simpson:
[sarcastic] Yeah... coincidence.

Max Power:
Kids: there's three ways to do things; the right way, the wrong way and the Max Power way!

Bart Simpson:
Isn't that the wrong way?

Max Power:
Yeah, but faster!

Trent Steele:
Oh, hey... My 1:00 canceled. Have you had any lunch?

Max Power:
Yeah, but I usually have three or four.

Trent Steele:
So where to eat? You like Thai?

Max Power:
Tie good. You like shirt?

Marge Simpson:
[Homer has legally changed his name to "Max Power"] But I fell in love with Homer Simpson! I don't want to snuggle with Max Power.

Max Power:
Nobody *snuggles* with Max Power, Marge. You strap yourself in and feel the Gs.

Max Power:
[singing, loosely, to the tune of Shirly Bassey's "Goldfinger"] Max Power. He's the man with name you want to touch, but you mustn't touch! He's name sounds good in your ear, but when you say it, you mustn't fear, 'cause his name can be said by anyone.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer is buying a shirt]... And I want the monogram to read "M-a-x P-o-w..."

Store Clerk:
Sir, traditionally, mongrams are just your initials.

Homer Simpson:
Max Power doesn't abbrieviate! In his name, each letter is as important as the one that preceded it. Maybe even *more* important... No, *as* important.

Store Clerk:
Fine. [She walks away with the shirt to apply the monogram]

Homer Simpson:
And if there's any room left, add a bunch of exclamation points and a pirate flag!

Trent Steele:
[Homer has just introduced himself as "Max Power"] Hey, great name!

Max Power:
Thanks. I got it off a hair dryer.

[Homer has changed his to Max Power]

Max Power:
Kids. From now on there are three ways of doing things: the right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way.

Bart Simpson:
Isn't that just the wrong way?

Max Power:
Yes, but faster.

[Homer walks into a cactus]

FOX Announcer:
And at nine-thirty, "All in the Family 1999"!

Archie:
Aw, jeez, they got me livin' with an African-American, a Semite-American, and a woman American there, and I'm glad, I loves youse all! I love everybody! I wish I'd saved my money from the first show.

Max Power:
Marge! President Clinton.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, my Lord! I feel like Cinderella.

Max Power:
Me too. Let's sing the Cinderella song.

Chief Wiggum:
Well, if it isn't that stupid cop from TV.

[scratches his ear with his gun barrel]

Chief Wiggum:
Oh yeah, that got it.

Homer Simpson:
[to Producers of "Police Cops"] I'm begging you! I'm a human being! Let me have my dignity back! [the Producers nod at Homer; he gets up and walks face-first into a cactus] D'oh!

"Detective Homer Simpson":
[Next week on "Police Cops", the Homer Simpson character's coat is caught on top of a flagpole] Let me down, Chief, I'm beggin' you! I'm a human being, let me have my dignity back! [the flagpole breaks, and Homer Simpson falls, crotch-first, onto a cactus below] B'oh!

Marge Simpson:
Your character provides the comic relief! Like, oh... Marlon Brando in "Apocalypse Now".

Homer Simpson:
See, the great thing about animation is that you don't have to pay the actors squat.

Ned Flanders:
[speaking in a different voice] But they can change them and no one would know the diddly-ifference.

Ed Begley, Jr.:
I prefer a vehicle that doesn't hurt Mother Earth. It's a go cart, powered by my own sense of self-satisfaction.

Chief Wiggum:
Well, well, well. If it isn't that stupid cop from TV.

[picks his ear with his gun]

Bill Clinton:
I know you don't think you're good enough for me, but believe me, you are. Hell, I done it with pigs. Real, no-foolin' pigs.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I almost forgot. While I was at the court house, I had them change your name.

Marge Simpson:
To what?

Homer Simpson:
Chesty La Rue.

Marge Simpson:
Chesty La Rue?

Homer Simpson:
Just try it for two weeks. If you don't like it, you can be Busty St. Claire.

Marge Simpson:
I don't want to be Chesty La Rue or Busty St. Claire.

Homer Simpson:
Fine. Hooty McBoob it is.

Marge Simpson:
Good night, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Good night, Hooty.

Marge Simpson:
Let go of those.

Marge Simpson:
Look at this place. The house number is spelled out with letters.

Max Power:
Get used to it, honey. From now on we'll be spelling everything with letters.

Homer Simpson:
Baby made a boom-boom.

Homer:
How much can I get for this?

[He hands the Comic Book Guy a mint condition Joe Dimaggio rookie card]

Comic Book Guy:
Well, sir. I'm afraid your card is only worth... [tips out the cash register] Everything I've got! Take it! [he kisses the card] Oh no, I have smeared it with nacho fingers. I must deftly lick it off.

Marge:
How did this happen? How did the Simpsons become the bottom rung of society?

Homer:
I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

[Homer throws pudding at Lenny's face]

Lenny:
Ow, my eye. I'm not supposed to get pudding in it.

Comic Book Guy:
[eating Peeps] If only real chicks went down this easy.

Mr. Burns:
You're so much more fun than Smithers. Why, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "gay"!

Homer:
Family, gather round, I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable.

Bart, Lisa:
Cable?

Bart:
All right.

Homer:
That's right, sixty-eight channels, MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, sixteen hours of quality programming a day.

Marge:
I don't know, Homer, we've discussed cable before. Do you really think we can afford this?

Homer:
Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can afford it.

Marge:
Mmmm, are you sure this is legal?

Homer:
Relax, Marge. Read this.

[Homer hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So You've Decided To Steal Cable"]

Marge:
"Myth: it's wrong to view quality motion pictures for free. Fact: most movies that air on cable rate two stars or lower and are repeated ad nauseam." I don't know...

Marge:
So, what did you children learn about today?

Bart:
Hell.

Homer:
Bart!

Bart:
What? That's what we learned about. I'm sure as *hell* can't tell you we learned about *hell* unless I say *hell*, can I?

Homer:
The lad's got a point.

Bart:
Hell, yes!

Marge:
Bart!

Bart:
Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell! Hell!

Marge:
Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear.

Homer:
Something's wrong with that kid. She's so... moral. Why can't she be more like... well, not like Bart, but there has to be a happy medium.

[after Lisa runs screaming out of the room]

Marge:
What's gotten into her?

Bart:
Beats the hell out of me.

Homer:
Bart!

[Homer sees Mr. Burns coming up his driveway]

Homer:
Bart, quick! Help me hide the stuff I borrowed from work!

Bart:
"Borrowed"?

Homer:
All right, the stuff I stole from work!

Bart:
Oh! Okay.

Homer:
The foot is coming down! Cable stays. The foot has spoken.

Drederick Tatum:
[Talking to a reporter] Man that place is a dump. If you ever see me there you'll know I really f - ked up bad.

Moses:
Thou shalt not commit adultery!

Lenny the Adulterer:
Well, looks like the party's over...

Bart:
What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them - as is my understanding...

Selma:
We own you like Siegfried owns Roy.

Carl:
Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us.

[Homer enters the room]

Selma:
Am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here?

[Homer is a limo driver]

Homer:
Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, Young Frankenstein? Scared the hell out of me.

Mel Brooks:
Umm, thanks.

Lisa:
How's dad today?

Marge:
Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table.

Marge:
Try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time.

Homer:
Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes! Yes, I will hug and kiss some poisonous *snakes*!

[pause]

Homer:
Now that's sarcasm.

Homer:
Well, Lisa, I managed to solve a little problem today, and to celebrate, I'm going to tilt my chair [Slants his chair back] Mmmmmm... slanty.

Homer:
Oh, how can I tell Marge we're broke? I need a miracle.

[sees smoke coming out from under the front door]

Homer:
My house is on fire! Woo-hoo! Insurance to the rescue!

Homer:
Marge, we had an agreement. Your sisters don't come here after six, and I stop eating your lipstick.

[quickly turns away and wipes lipstick from his teeth]

Patty:
We thought we'd stop by unexpectedly for dinner.

Selma:
Now bring us some extra chairs like a good blubber-in-law.

Homer:
Time to fertilize the lawn; a couple of 500 pound bags should do it! [grabs them by the neck]

[Homer has asked Moe for a loan]

Moe:
Sure, Homer, I can loan you the money. However, since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance.

Homer:
Gee, Moe, that seems a bit extreme. Couldn't you just bash my brains in?

Moe:
Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?

[Pulls out a sledgehammer]

Moe:
Now, let's do this thing.

Homer:
God is teasing me. Just like he teased Moses in the desert.

Marge:
*Tested,* Homer. God *tested* Moses.

Homer:
[after throwing Patty and Selma out, turns to Patty] I never wanna see you again! [turns to Selma] You either. [slams door]

Homer Simpson:
To alcohol! The cause of - and solution to - all of life's problems.

Homer:
Alcohol is a way of life, alcohol is my way of life and I plan to keep it.

Rex Banner:
You're out there somewhere, beer baron! And I'll find you.

Homer:
[way off in the distance] No, you won't.

Rex Banner:
Yes, I will

Homer:
Won't!

Rex Banner:
Are you the Beer Baron?

Ned Flanders:
Well, if you're talking about root beer, I plead guilt-diddily-ildly as char-didily-arged.

Rex Banner:
He's not the Baron, but he sounds drunk. Take him in.

[Lou and Eddie arrest Ned]

Bart Simpson:
Gee, Homer, you sure do suck tonight!

Homer Simpson:
Yeah! Suck like a fox!

Homer Simpson:
[Homer has a giant beer barrel over his head] Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland!

Kent Brockman:
Ladies and gentlemen, what you are seeing is a total disregard for the things St. Patrick's Day stand for. All this drinking, violence, destruction of property. Are these the things we think of when we think of the Irish?

Kent Brockman:
Top of the morning to ye on this gray, grizzly afternoon. Kent O'Brockman live on Main Street, where today everyone is a little bit Irish, except, of course, for the gays and the Italians.

Kent Brockman:
"What are you lookin' at?" - the innocent words of a drunken child.

Homer:
Ooh, it's been St. Patrick's Day for hours, and I'm still not drunk yet.

[Homer wearing a beer keg on his head]

Homer:
Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland.

[everyone in the bar starts laughing]

Quimby's Aide:
Election in November. Election in November.

Mayor Quimby:
AGAIN? This stupid country.

[Moe is about to open his bar on St. Patrick's day]

Moe Szyslak:
All right, this is the busiest drinking day of the year. Where are my designated drivers? [a few guys raise their hands] Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates!

[Banner is interrogating a drunk Barney in the street]

Rex Banner:
Listen, rummy, I'm gonna say it plain and simple. Where'd you pinch the hooch? Is some blind tiger jerking suds on the side?

Barney:
Yes?

[the Be-Sharps perform on a building rooftop]

George Harrison:
It's been done.

[the Be Sharps are performing the Statue of Liberty's 100th anniversary 4th of July concert in New York City in 1986]

Homer:
This next song is dedicated to a very special lady. She's 100 years old and weighs over 200... tons.

Panicking Man:
This enormous lady will devour us all!

[Screams and jumps into the ocean]

Homer:
I meant the statue!

George Harrison:
Hello, Homer, I'm George Harrison.

Homer:
Oh my God! Where did you get that brownie?

Homer:
[trying to write a song, Homer is inspired by a "Baby on Board" car sign] Hmmm, Baby on Board. Baby on Board, something something Burt Ward... this thing writes itself!

Additional Voices:
Apu, there are rumors that you are a Hindu. Is this true?

Apu:
By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.

Bart:
That ain't been popular than aught-six, dag-nab it!

Homer:
What did I tell you?

Bart:
No talking like a grizzled 1890s prospector. Consarn it.

Bart:
How come we haven't heard anything about your second album?

Bart:
What did you do, screw up like The Beatles and say you were bigger than Jesus?

Homer:
All the time. In fact, that was the title of our second album.

Nigel:
[after Apu tells him his full name] Never fit on a marquee, love. From here on, your name is Apu du Beaumarchais.

Apu:
It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my god, but okay.

Apu:
[after the Be-Sharps have broken up, Apu goes back to work at the Kwik-E-Mart] Well, it may not pay much, but at least it's good, honest work.

Kwik-E-Mart Customer:
How much for this expired carton of milk?

Apu:
Twelve dollars!

Nigel:
Gentlemen, you've just recorded your first number one.

[as the Be-Sharps re-unite]

Principal Skinner:
I can't remember the last time we were all together.

Apu:
Last year, on that stupid Dame Edna special.

[the "Baby on Board" lyrics]

Homer, Apu, Principal Skinner, Barney:
Baby on Board/How I've adored/That sign on my car's window pane/The bounce in my step/loaded with pep/'cause I'm driving in the carpool lane/Call me a square/Friend, I don't care/That little yellow sign can't be ignored/I'm telling you, it's mighty nice/Each trip's a trip to paradise/With my baby on board!

Paul Harvey:
...and that little boy who nobody liked grew up to be... Roy Cohn!

Abe Simpson, Jasper:
Wow!

Barney's Girlfriend:
I would like a single plum floating in perfume and served in a man's hat.

Moe Szyslak:
Sure.

[serves drink]

Barney:
David Crosby? You're my hero.

David Crosby:
Oh, you like my music?

Barney:
You're a musician?

Frank Grimes:
[Referring to the Simpson's house, speechless] Good Heavens! This... This is a palace! How in... How in the world can you afford to live in a house like this, Simpson?

Homer:
[Stares blankly] I dunno... Don't ask me how the economy works.

Frank Grimes:
Yeah, but look at the size of this place! I... I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.

Bart:
Milhouse. You were supposed to be the night watchman.

Milhouse:
I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over.

Bart:
Wow, I wonder where all the rats are going to go...

[the rats run over to Moe's]

Moe:
All right, everybody tuck your pants into your socks.

Frank Grimes:
[Homer's back is turned to his workstation, where an alarm went off] Oh my God! Simpson, you got a 513! [Homer checks his watch] No! A 513! Don't you know your operational manual? [Homer stares blankly and then checks his watch again] Just look behind you!

Homer:
[turns around and speaks casually] Oh, a 5*13*!

Frank Grimes:
Can you believe that guy? He fell asleep inside a radiation suit.

Lenny:
He had three beers at lunch. That would make anyone sleepy.

[first lines of an episode]

Kent Brockman:
...which, if true, means death for us all.

Frank Grimes:
Gah! I've had to work every day of my life. And what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for your lifetime of sloth and ignorance?

Homer:
[Stares blankly] What?

Frank Grimes:
[Enraged] E - Everything! A dreamhouse, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes and... [sniffs] lobsters for dinner! And do you deserve any of it? NO!

Homer:
[Gets worried and gasps] What are you saying?

Frank Grimes:
I'm saying you're what's wrong with America, Simpson. You coast through life, you do as little as possible and you leach your decent hardworking people like me. Ha! If you lived in any other country in the world you would have starved to death long ago.

Bart:
He's got you there, dad.

[after seeing Bart's photo of Homer with princess Kashmir]

Homer:
[to Bart] Why, you little...!

[chokes Bart]

Marge:
Why, you big...!

[chokes Homer]

Homer:
Why are all the good things so tasty?

Barney Gumble:
In case you get hungry, there's an open beer in the fridge.

Homer:
I have something to say to all the sons out there. To all the boys, to all the men, to all of us. It's about women, and how they are not mere objects with curves that make us crazy. No, there are out wives, they are our daughters, our sisters, our grandmas, our aunts, our nieces and nephews. Well, not our nephews. they are our mothers. And you something, folks? As ridiculous this sounds, I would rather feel the sweet breath of my beautiful wife on the back of my neck as I sleep than to stuff dollar bills into some stranger's g-sting. Am I wrong? Or am I right?

Marge Simpson:
There there, Homer. You'll find a job. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

Homer Simpson:
Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent b*obs. I know this because I've worked along side them, gone bowling with them, and watched them pass me over for promotions time and time again.

Homer:
Friends, you have come to depend on me as your safety watchdog. So you won't scrape yourself, or stub your toes, or blow yourselves up. But you can't depend on me all your life. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us, and I'm going to have to live without your respect and awe. The only reason I'm telling you is, I'm going to be leaving you... But don't worry, I've just been appointed the new Safety Inspector at this very plant, and a big fat raise!

Moe Szyslak:
Moe's Tavern.

Bart Simpson:
Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe Szyslak:
Who?

Bart Simpson:
Freely. First initials I.P.

Moe Szyslak:
Hold on, I'll check. Is I.P. Freely here? I.P. Freely!

Homer Simpson:
Beer. Now there's a temporary solution!

Marge Simpson:
Homer we love you! How could you think of killing yourself?

Homer Simpson:
Kill myself? Killing myself is the last thing I'd ever do!

[Bart is crank calling Moe's Tavern. Moe answers the phone]

Moe:
Moe's Tavern.

Bart:
Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe:
Who?

Bart:
Freely. First initials, I. P.

Moe:
Hey, everybody, I pee freely!

Mr. Burns:
[to Homer] You're not as stupid as you look... or sound... or our best testing indicates.

Mr. Burns:
Mr. Simpson, you're smarter than you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.

AgnesSkinner:
Seymour! Get out and change the tires!

Principal Skinner:
I don't have four spares mother.

AgnesSkinner:
You don't have four anything!

Homer:
...And the whole steel mill was gay.

Moe:
Jeez, where ya been, Homer? The whole steel *industry's* gay.

Homer:
I like my beer cold, my TV loud, and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming.

Marge:
[about a gay man] Homer, he prefers the company of men.

Homer:
Who doesn't?

Bart Simpson:
Something abut a bunch of guys alone together in the woods... seems kinda gay.

[hiding underneath a trough]

Barney:
Is it okay to come out now, Mr. Gay Man, sir?

Homer:
There's only two kinds of guys who wear Hawaiian shirts: gay guys and big fat party animals. And Bart doesn't look like a big fat party animal to me!

[to Bart]

Homer:
He didn't give you gay, did he? Did he?

Homer:
OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! OhmyGod! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. Promise me!

[Robo-Santa chases the reindeer away]

Homer:
It's a miracle!

John:
No, Ultrasuede is a miracle. This is just good timing.

[Homer is worried that Bart will turns out gay]

Moe:
Come on, don't take this so hard, Homer. You still got that other kid, uh... Lisa. Let's, uh, take her out hunting tomorrow; make her into a man.

Homer:
Aw, she'd never go. She's a vegetarian.

Moe:
Oh, geez! Homer, geez! You and Marge ain't cousins, are you?

Roscoe:
[to workers] Hey! Listen up! I want all of youse to say hello to the Simpsons.

Workers:
[waving in a cliche, sissy-like attitude] Hello-o.

Homer:
[gasps] Has the whole world gone insane?

Steel Mill Worker #1:
[sissy-like] Stand still, there's a spark in you hair!

Steel Mill Worker #2:
Get it, get it!

Homer:
[whimpers as another guy walks past Homer holding a vat of hot steel in hot pants]

Steel Mill Worker #3:
Hot stuff, comin' through!

Homer:
[screams]

Bart Simpson:
Dad, why'd you take me to a gay steel mill?

Homer:
[frightened] I don't know! This is a NIGHTMARE! YOU'RE ALL SICK!

Steel Mill Worker #4:
[waving his hand] Oh be nice!

Homer:
Oh! My son doesn't stand a chance! The whole world's gone gay!

[a whistle goes off]

Homer:
Oh my god! What's happening now?

Roscoe:
We work hard, we play hard. [pulls a chain, "Everybody Dance Now" starts playing as the mill turns into a gay nightclub]

John:
Homer, I won your respect, and all I had to do was save your life. Now, if every gay man could just do the same, you'd be set.

[Homer places Bart in front of a sexy billboard]

Homer:
Well, it's been two hours. How do you feel?

Bart:
I dunno. I kinda want a cigarette.

Homer:
That's good. Let's get you a pack. What's your brand?

Bart:
Anything slim.

Homer:
D'oh!

Homer:
You know Bart, maybe it's just the concussion talking, but anyway you chose to live your life is OK.

Bart:
Huh?

Lisa:
He thinks you're gay.

Bart:
He thinks I'm gay?

Marge:
Homer, look! It's a TV Guide owned by Jackie O!

John:
You should see the crossword puzzle! She thought Mindy lived with "Mark."

Homer:
Give her a break! Her husband was killed!

John:
Oh, I know! Wasn't that awful? Hi, I'm John! Can I help you with anything?

Marge:
Yes, I have something that I'd like to sell.

John:
Please tell me it's your hair.

Marge:
No, it's an heirloom my grandmother passed down to me. A very rare, old figurine from the Civil War.

Lisa:
Please don't construe our ownership of this as an endorsement of slavery.

John:
Hmm, well see, here's the thing on this. It's a Johnny Reb bottle, early 1970s, one of the J & R Liquor lads. Two books of green stamps, if I'm not mistaken.

Marge:
Oh, no! Oh no! No, no, no, no! It's a very, very old figurine!

John:
No, it's a liquor bottle. See? [Unscrews the cap and pours himself a drink] Ah, that'll make your bull run!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

Homer Simpson:
Say it in English, Doc!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
You're going to need open-heart surgery.

Homer Simpson:
Spare me your medical mumbo jumbo!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

Homer Simpson:
Could you dumb it down a shade?

Homer:
Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Bart:
What about Abraham Lincoln?

Homer:
Uh, he sold poison milk to school children.

[while operating on Homer]

Dr. Nick:
[singing] The kneebone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.

Dr. Nick:
Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want.

Mr. McGreg:
Dr. Nick Riviera. Remember me?

Dr. Nick:
Why, if it isn't my old friend, Mr. McGreg. With a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg.

Chief Wiggum:
This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Homer:
I can't wait until they throw his hatless butt in jail.

Marge:
Can't you do something for him?

Dr. Hibbert:
Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.

Homer:
What an age we live in.

Mr. Burns:
Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?

Smithers:
Er... no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.

Mr. Burns:
Damn their oily hides!

[Dr. Nick's commercial]

Dr. Nick:
You've tried the best. Now try the rest.

Moe:
[Homer is about to have a triple bypass operation] Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.

Barney:
[after a short while] How long has it been?

Moe:
Six seconds.

Barney:
Do we have to start over?

Moe:
Hell, no.

Homer:
Ok, we need 40,000 dollars. How much do we have in the checkbook?

Marge:
70 dollars.

Homer:
Have we deposited any 40,000 dollar checks that haven't cleared yet?

Marge:
No.

[Homer collapses in Mr. Burns' office. His spirit begins to rise up from his body]

Smithers:
Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.

Homer Simpson:
Mmm... ham.

[Homer's spirit returns to his body]

Smithers:
No, wait - he's alive!

Mr. Burns:
Oh, good. Cancel the ham!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Lisa Simpson:
[in Sunday School] My dad is very sick. What's going to happen if he dies?

Sunday School Teacher:
Well, if he's been good, he'll go to Heaven.

[writes "Heaven" on the board]

Sunday School Teacher:
In Heaven, you get to do whatever you like best, all the time.

[Lisa imagines Homer as an angel in heaven, lying on a cloud]

Homer Simpson:
Cloud goes up, cloud goes down, cloud goes up, cloud goes down...

[cut to Homer's hospital room]

Homer Simpson:
Bed goes up, bed goes down, bed goes up, bed goes down...

Apu:
Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?

Kwik-E-Mart Customer:
Can I get some jerky?

Apu:
Would you like some vodka with that?

Kwik-E-Mart Customer:
Oh, what the hell, sure!

Mr. Burns:
Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...

Homer Simpson:
Whew...

Mr. Burns:
...and goodbye! You're fired! [Homer gags, his heart pounds]

Homer Simpson:
W

Mr. Burns:
...at goofing off! Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... [Homer's heart slows down]... a grave for! [Homer's heart beats even faster] Your indolence is inefficacious! [Homer stares blankly; heart beats normally] That means, you're terrible! [Homer collapses]

Mr. Burns:
[to Smithers after seeing Homer asleep at his station on CCTV] Bring him to me!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, you're out of shape, even for an American.

Marge Simpson:
It's gone! The photo album was a record of my accomplishments. It was like a resume to a man.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm sorry, Mom. You have to let these things go. It's not like we could restage the photos all over again.

Marge Simpson:
Restage the family album!

Bart Simpson:
Lisa, you fool! You've doomed us all!

[Marge puts a baby bonnet on Bart and shoots a picture]

Bart Simpson:
Noooo!

Homer Simpson:
Now to make a young woman's wedding day all about me.

Tabloid Editor:
I can make you a moderately wealthy man.

Homer Simpson:
Moderately wealthy, eh?

[imagines himself rolling in a few dollar bills]

Homer Simpson:
Whee! I'm almost rich. I can rent anything I want.

Homer Simpson:
How do you like your comeuppance? 8X10, or wallet size?

Homer Simpson:
This is that fancy supermarket where all the celebrities shop. You're going to help me ambush them. Look at this spread. Imported beer? Seedless grapes? Chewing gum? Look, the clown on this cereal box is just a person.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Time to squash that shutterbug.

Maria Quimby:
You promised me you wouldn't swear revenge on our wedding day.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Promise revoked.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
With Homer Simpson out of the way, we celebrities can go back to our lives of sybaritic excess.

Waitress:
Stem cell fajita?

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Leave the tray.

[Krusty puts random stuff on a blender and drinks it, then spits it out]

Krusty the Klown:
You call this a drink?

Bartender:
I never called it a drink.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Paris! I saw a disgusting part of your body on the internet. Your face!

Bart Simpson:
Look! There's the Rich Texan and his daughter, Paris Texan.

Homer:
I was in a record store, and they were playing all these bands I'd never heard of. It was like the store had gone crazy.

Marge:
Record stores have always seemed crazy to me. Music is none of my business.

Homer:
That's all well and good for you, but I used to rock and roll all night and party every day. Then it was every other day... now I'm lucky to find half an hour a week in which to get funky. I've got to get out of this rut and back into the groove.

Billy Corgan:
Billy Corgan, Smashing Pumpkins.

Homer:
Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

[At a Cypress Hill Concert]

Bart:
What's that smell?

Lisa:
It smells like Otto's jacket.

[the teenagers Homer and Barney are doing an acapella version of "You Make Me Feel Like Dancing" in front of a mirror]

Middle-aged Grampa:
What the Hell are you two doin'?

Young Barney:
It's called rockin' out!

Young Homer:
You wouldn't understan', dad. You're not *with it*.

Middle-aged Grampa:
I used to be with it, but then they changed what *it* was. Now what I'm with isn't *it*, and what's *it* seems weird and scary to me. It'll happen to you...

Roadie:
[after Homer launches an inflated pig from a cannon] Oh no, Peter Frampton's gonna be pissed off.

Peter Frampton:
You're damn right I'm gonna be pissed off, I bought that pig at Pink Floyd's yard sale!

Bart:
Making teenagers depressed is like shooting fish in a barrel.

Peter Frampton:
Oh, this is just great. First Homer Simpson wrecks my pig, then Cypress Hill steals my orchestra, and now Sonic Youth's in my cooler. Get out of there!

Thurston Moore:
But you're not going to eat all that watermelon, Mr. Frampton.

Marge:
[Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any resposinbility on our part in perpituity throughout the known universe? [Groaning]

Marge:
[Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpituity throughout the known universe? [Groaning]

Homer:
Why do you need new bands? Everyone knows rock attained perfection in 1974. It's a scientific fact.

Homer:
Grand Funk Railroad paved the way for Jefferson airplane, which cleared the way for Jefferson starship. The stage was now set for the Alan Parsons project, which I believe was some sort of hovercraft.

Homer:
For more information on Grand Funk, consult your school library!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Hey, wait! I'm okay today! My mom bought me deodorant!

Bart:
[sniffing] What is that smell?

Lisa:
It smells like Otto's jacket...

B-Real:
Before we start, we have a lost child here. If she's not claimed within the next hour, she will become property of Blockbuster Entertainment.

Homer:
Pftt... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.

Veterinarian:
Mr. Simpson, this is serious. If you take one more cannonball to the gut, you will die.

Homer:
Die? Well, you don't scare me, doc, 'cause dying would be a stone groove. Got any messages for Jimi Hendrix?

Veterinarian:
Yes: "Pick up your puppy."

Billy Corgan:
Hey, Homer, looks like our next stop is your hometown, Springfield.

D'arcy Wretzky:
D'Arcy: Is it true that we have to bring our own water?

Homer:
We got a little rule back home: if it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back.

Bart:
Do you wear boxers or briefs?

Homer:
[checking] Nope.

Bart:
What religion are you?

Homer:
You know, the one with all the well-meaning rules that don't work out in real life. Uh... Christianity.

Mr. Burns:
[chuckles] And to think, Smithers: you laughed when I bought TicketMaster. "Nobody's going to pay a 100% service charge."

Waylon Smithers:
Well, it's a policy that ensures a healthy mix of the rich and the ignorant, sir.

Marge:
[Reading] Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpetuity throughout the known universe?

[Groaning]

Marge:
[reading] "Due to the unscheduled trip to the autowrecking yard the school bus will be out of commission for two weeks. Note by reading this letter out loud you have waived any responsibility on our part in perpetuity throughout the known universe?"

[groaning]

[Bachman Turner Overdrive is playing at a county fair]

Bart:
Who are those pleasant old men?

Homer:
It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB.

[Bart stares at Homer]

Homer:
That's how we talked in the '70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Homer:
You know my kids think you're the greatest, and thanks to your gloomy music they've finally stopped dreaming of a future I can't possibly provide.

Billy Corgan:
Well we try to make a difference.

Bart:
I wanna buy a copy of 'Bonestorm', here's ninety-nine cents.

Comic Book Store Guy:
Huhhh, allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase 'Bonestorm'for ninety-nine cents, net profit to me: negative fifty-nine dollars. [opens cash register] Oh! Oh, please take my fifty-nine dollars, I don't want it, it's yours! [Bart reaches for the cash] Eh-eh-eh! Seeing as we are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the register at this point.

[gunshot, Flanders is knocked down]

Ned Flanders:
Whew, good thing I always keep a Bible next to my...

[second gunshot, Flanders is knocked down again]

Ned Flanders:
Whew, luckily I was wearing an extra large piece of the True Cross today. I think I'll go inside.

[as he runs off, a third gunshot spins the head of Homer's pickaxe]

Homer:
What keeps doing that?

Fat Tony:
I told you we should have bought more than three bullets.

Krusty the Clown:
Ahh, there's nothing better than a cigarette... unless it's a cigarette lit with a hundred-dollar bill.

Louie:
It's him all right. Should I shoot him gangland style or execution style?

Fat Tony:
Listen to your heart.

[after Louie empties a rifle at Homer, but misses]

Fat Tony:
We need more ammo, let's go to Big Five.

[hallucinates that the other Simpsons are clowns]

Homer:
Marge?

Marge Simpson:
Yes, Homie? [starts humming the "Barnum and Bailey Circus" theme]

Homer:
[no longer from his viewpoint] That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college! [leaves]

Bart Simpson:
I don't think any of us expected him to say that.

Homer:
When I started this clown thing, I thought it would be nothing but glory. You know, the glory of being a clown. I tell you, it's hard, tiring work. But when I see the smiles on their little faces, I just know they're getting ready to jab me with something.

Homer:
But wait. You can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him. I'm Homer Simpson.

Fat Tony:
The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through the wall of our club?

Homer:
Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble.

Legs:
The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

Homer:
Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!

Louie:
The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

Homer:
Benedict Arnold!

Legs:
The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Homer:
D'oh!

Homer:
Hehehe... Clowns are funny.

Homer:
Aw, being a clown sucks! You get kicked by kids, bit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I'm leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business!

Don Vittorio Di Maggio:
Grazie, grazie. You have brought great joy to this old Italian stereotype.

Krusty the Clown:
See you tomorrow, kids. But before I go, I'd just like to say... [bicycle bell rings from inside his mouth]

Krusty's Assistant:
George Carlin on line.

Krusty the Clown:
Yeah? Lawsuit? Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. So I'm a thief, am I? Well, EXCUUUUUUUUSE MEEEEEE!

[hangs up]

Krusty the Clown:
Give him ten grand.

Krusty's Assistant:
Steve Martin on four.

Krusty the Clown:
Ten grand.

Homer:
Clown College? You can't eat that.

Krusty the Clown:
Tell me where you're from.

Clown Student 1#:
Georgia.

Clown Student 2#:
Texas.

Clown Student 3#:
Uh... Brooklyn.

Clown Student 4#:
Russia.

Clown Student 5#:
New Hampshire.

Homer:
Homer.

Plastic Surgeon:
Krusty, your plastic surgery is complete. Now, when I remove the bandages, don't be alarmed at the total stranger staring back at you.

Krusty the Clown:
[looks at the mirror] AAAAAAAAHHH! I LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME, YOU MORON!

Plastic Surgeon:
Oh, nonsense, Krusty. You look at least 10 years younger. Plus I did your breasts.

Krusty the Clown:
Does anybody hear me complaining about the breasts?

Krusty's Accountant:
Let me get this straight. You took all the money you made franchising your name and bet it *against* the Harlem Globetrotters?

Krusty the Clown:
[miserable] Oh, I thought the Generals were due!

[watches the game on TV]

Krusty the Clown:
He's spinning the ball on his finger! Just take it! Take it!

[the Globetrotters score]

Krusty the Clown:
That game was fixed! They were using a freakin' ladder, for God's sake!

Homer:
Hey, it's the first day of the month. New billboard day.

[drives by, reads first billboard]

Homer:
"This year, give her English muffins". Whatever you say, Mr. Billboard.

Johnny Unitas:
So, what do you think of the Lady Krusty Mustache Removal System now, Angelique?

Model:
It's Krusteriffic, Johnny Unitas. But is my upper lip supposed to bleed like this?

Johnny Unitas:
Probably.

Dick Cavett:
Let's walk and talk. I, uh, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way.

Homer:
Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo.

Dick Cavett:
Hey, me too. We can go together.

Homer:
Um... no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick.

Dick Cavett:
Heh heh, your churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and...

Homer:
[grabbing him by the collar] Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it.

Krusty the Clown:
Now, when the wealthy dowager comes in, the party's over, right? Wrong! [throws pie into dowager's face; her head cracks the wall]

Homer:
[taking notes] Kill, Wealthy, Dowager.

Krusty's Accountant:
Krusty as your accountant, I must warn you...

Krusty the Clown:
Did you send those thousand roses to Bea Arthur's grave?

Krusty's Accountant:
Yes, but as I told you, she's still...

Krusty the Clown:
I don't want to hear the end of any sentences!

[last lines]

Krusty the Clown:
So, we're even now, right?

Don Vittorio Di Maggio:
No, we just-a won't kill you. But, you still owe use the money...

[dramatic pause]

Don Vittorio Di Maggio:
$48!

Krusty the Clown:
Here's 50.

Don Vittorio Di Maggio:
And two your change. And-a we thank-a you.

Fat Tony:
Krusty, in regard to the large wager you placed on yesterday's horse race...

Krusty the Clown:
[laughing nervously] Uh, hey, how about letting me go double or nothing on the big opera tonight?

Fat Tony:
Who do you like?

Krusty the Clown:
The tenor.

Fat Tony:
[after a pause] Okay. But we're only letting the bet ride because you crack us, so consistently, up.

Homer:
There's your giraffe, little girl.

Ralph:
I'm a boy.

Homer:
That's the spirit. Never give up.

Taxi Driver:
[on TV show "Taxicab Conversations"] Where to, pal?

Homer:
[drunk] Talky thing, ain't ya?

Lisa:
[watching show] Another proud moment for the Simpson family.

Homer:
Uh, Mr. Seltzer?

Brian Setzer:
Setzer.

Homer:
No, I think it's Seltzer.

Mick Jagger:
[Homer is reluctant to leave the fantasy camp] Aw, cheer up, Homer! It's only rock 'n' roll camp.

Homer:
But I like it!

Keith Richards:
[at the rock and roll fantasy camp] We're here for one reason.

Homer:
To rock!

Keith Richards:
[accusingly] Who said that?

[Homer quickly points at Otto]

Keith Richards:
That's right, Otto. We're here to rock.

Marge:
I couldn't even wake you up for work this morning. I had to tell Mr. Burns you had violent diarrhea.

Homer:
Oh! Couldn't you come up with a *less* embarrassing lie?

Marge:
But you *did* have violent diarrhea! Nobody open the hallway closet until I say it's okay. [Bart and Lisa shudder]

Homer Simpson:
Oh Lord, I have once again be sodded my liver with thy fermented gifts. If you can weasel me out of this physical, I will blow your mind by doing something incredibly holy... at some point. Amen.

Homer Simpson:
[chasing Santa's Little Helper around the backyard] Stupid dog! Let go of that delicious bird!

Lisa Simpson:
Looks like you're going to have to take care of it, Bart.

Bart Simpson:
Me? What in my long, sad history with frogs makes you think I can take care of a bird?

Bart Simpson:
Go ahead, make fun of me. I lost my heart to a bird.

Nelson Muntz:
[Unenthusiastic] Haw-haw.

Bart Simpson:
Man, you are not into that. What's wrong?

Nelson Muntz:
My mom ran away with my birthday clown.

Moe Szyslak:
Have you ever thought of racing that bird?

Homer Simpson:
You can bet on pigeons?

Moe Szyslak:
Hey, if it moves you can bet on it.

Bart Simpson:
What about the Detroit Lions?

Moe Szyslak:
Hey, lay off Detroit. Them people is going through Mad Max times.

Bart Simpson:
I don't know. This coop looks a little flimsy.

Homer Simpson:
Flimsy, eh? This gentle pat says different.

[Homer pats coop; the staples pop off and the frame collapses; the chicken wire rolls up back into the box and the staples fall in place to close it]

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
Me, the patriarch of a pigeon-racing dynasty.

[Thought bubble shows Homer with trophy; Danica Patrick appears]

Danica Patrick:
Congratulations, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Danica Patrick in my thoughts?

Danica Patrick:
That's right, Homer. I'm contractually obligated by my sponsors to appear in random fan's fantasies. Better not tell Marge about it.

Marge Simpson:
You brickyard bimbo!

[They fight; the thought bubble fades]

Homer Simpson:
I ended that a little too soon.

[Thought bubble reappears with Danica and Marge beating up Homer]

Homer Simpson:
What they don't suspect is that I'm into this.

Bart Simpson:
Why are we taking it with us? And this time I don't mean Lisa.

Lisa Simpson:
I'ts amazing how I can pity you and hate you at the same time. I bet there's a German word for it.

Edna Krabappel:
I won't ask who sent the message if I can use the pigeon to send an message of my own.

Bart Simpson:
As long as we're not learning.

Edna Krabappel:
Deal.

Mr. Burns:
[Reads note from pigeon] "Do a little dance while wearing no clothes." Bad grammar. Good advice.

Nelson Muntz:
What do you think, Mom?

Mrs. Muntz:
Why don't you ask your new father? [Birthday clown honks horn]

Nelson Muntz:
You haven't earned the right to call me that!

Marge Simpson:
A doctor who treats kids and pets?

Dr. Thurmond:
Hey, in this economy I'll even remove tattoos.

Homer Simpson:
Can you remove my tramp stamp? I got the idea from watching a show where people regret these.

Homer Simpson:
Listen to the man, Marge. He pays Bart's salary.

Marge Simpson:
No, he doesn't.

Homer Simpson:
Why don't you ever support my gibberish? I'd do it if you were stupid.

[Some of the book club members have just been killed and the Simpsons don't have an insurance]

Marge Simpson:
Oh my god, oh my god! We're totally liable!

[She and Lindsay Naegle look at each other and then kiss passionately]

Homer Simpson:
Oh yeah.

Homer Simpson:
Insurance is the greatest deal ever. If I get hurt, I get paid. And *man* do I get hurt! [cut to a montage of Homer's previous injuries]

Homer Simpson:
[laughs] What a week.

Bart Simpson:
I can't believe we have to start another year at school. I never learned anything at that suck shack.

Homer Simpson:
Hey! Who taught you language like that?

Bart Simpson:
Kid at school.

Homer Simpson:
So you *did* learn something!

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Brilliant plan sending the all the underachievers to Capital City until the day after the test.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Yes, *all* of them. Why, Seymour, I believe I left my sunglasses in the bus.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Well, I'd best retrieve them.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Yes, you'd best.

[as Skinner enters the bus, Chalmers motions Otto to close the door]

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Uh, sir?

Superintendent Chalmers:
So long, superstars!

Lisa Simpson:
96%? What did I get wrong?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Several questions.

Lisa Simpson:
Several? That's more than a few, and almost a bunch.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Let me explain this so that even the simplest can understand: You are being hidden in Capital City so that you won't weight down the test with your numbskullery and ruin the future of those students who are our future.

Bart Simpson:
Told ya.

Kearney:
Will there be other numbskulls there, sort of an numbskull Olympics?

Jimbo Jones:
Hey, let's all act like numbskulls!

[They make dumb faces and go "duh"]

Nelson Muntz:
Guys, guys, let's save it for the competition.

Ralph Wiggum:
Mommy, I have to go potty.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Otto, pull the bus over. I said pull over!

Otto:
Huh? Sorry, I was mesmerized by the little boy's dance.

Bart Simpson:
So what's the plan now, Skinrash?

Principal Seymour Skinner:
My name is not Skinrash. It's Principal Skinner, and you will refer to me as such.

Bart Simpson:
Sure thing, Such.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
I'll deal with your insubordinate wordplay later.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Time to do what I've never done as school principal: something.

Lisa Simpson:
[Thinking] Let's move on to question two. "Question two: using what you've learned from question one..."

Lisa Simpson:
[Out loud] Aaargh!

Marge Simpson, Homer Simpson:
Three, two, one... Happy new year!

Marge Simpson:
Of school!

Bart Simpson:
What are you guys doing?

Marge Simpson:
It's the first day of school.

Homer Simpson:
You're the government's problem now!

Principal Seymour Skinner:
When you take the practice test, be sure to use a number two pencil. [Holds a big pencil]

Bart Simpson:
What kind of pencil do we use?

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Number two. Take a number two. [Kids laugh]

Bart Simpson:
Looks like you took a big number two!

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Yes, as you can see, I have a big number two in my hands, enjoing the weight and feel of it. [Kids laugh; Chalmers rolls eyes]

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, what did you put on question 36?

Bart Simpson:
Slurp my snot!

Lisa Simpson:
Bart!

Bart Simpson:
That was my answer. I wrote down "Slurp my snot" in the answer sheet.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, Bart's throwing away his future!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, no! Now who will sell oranges on the offramp? [laughs and high-fives Bart]

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Seymour, I just realized something. You're stuck babysitting us losers, which makes you the real loser.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
For your information, I am not a loser. I am a successful school principal who paints houses in the summertime.

Dolph:
You painted our garage in October and the paint's already peeling!

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Your father insisted on using an inferior primer!

Bart Simpson:
Wait a minute! This ain't no genius copter! This is Con Air!

duff stadium guard:
[walking to microphone in the middle of the stadium] so homer how do you feel?

Homer Simpson:
me... meatloaf "hung-y"...

Homer Simpson:
[singing] I'm trying to ease my stomach pains. I'm moving my legs so my stomach won't hurt. I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.

Ceasar Chavez' ghost:
Hello Homer, I'm Ceasar Chavez.

Ceasar Chavez' ghost:
But, how come you look like Ceasar Romero?

Ceasar Chavez' ghost:
Because you don't know who Ceasar Chavez looks like.

Homer:
Me hungry.

[Skinner hands Edna Krabappel an ice cream cone]

Mrs. Krabappel:
Oh Seymour, you shouldn't have. It's going to go straight to my thighs.

Principal Seymour:
Well Edna, it just might have some company.

[after days and days on a hunger strike, Homer hallucinates]

Homer:
Hey, who are you?

Ghost:
The ghost of Cesar Chavez.

Homer:
Why do you look like Cesar Romero?

Ghost:
Cause you don't know what Cesar Chavez looks like.

Homer:
Dancing away my hunger pain... moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt... I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way...

Moe:
Jeez, Homer's losing it already.

Carl:
Yeah but his weary shuffling makes my heart smile.

Homer:
And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way, because that's the kind of guy I am this week.

[a tape of Ned's childhood. Young Ned hits a little boy]

Ned Flanders:
I'm Dick Tracy! Take that, Pruneface!

[He hits a little girl]

Ned Flanders:
Now I'm Pruneface! Take that, Dick Tracy!

[He hits another little boy]

Ned Flanders:
Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick...

[Dr. Foster rushes over]

Dr. Foster:
Stop that at once!

Maude Flanders:
Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.

Homer:
Oh Lisa, there's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.

Lisa:
Yes, but the records only go back to 1978 when the hall of records was mysteriously blown away.

Bart Simpson:
Hey! Back off, man!

Ned Flanders:
Ok, *dude*! I wouldn't want you to have a cow, *man*! Here's a catchphrase you better learn for your adult years; "Hey, buddy, gotta quarter?"

[Ned's friends and neighbors have unsuccessfully attempted to rebuild his house]

Ned Flanders:
Now calm down, Ned-dily-diddly-diddly-diddly... they did their best, shoddily-iddly-iddly-diddly... gotta be *nice*, hostily-iddly-diddly-iddly...

[snapping completely]

Ned Flanders:
Ah *hell* diddly-ding-dong-crap! Can't you morons do anything right?

Ned Flanders:
Need some help there? You know, maybe you folks should come over and hunker in our bunker. [Ned's house is covered with tints] Oh, it'll be fun! We're gonna go through our old cancelled checks and receipts and give ourselves an audit. Make sure we don't owe anything extra.

Homer:
Oh, I'm sure I'd be a third wheel.

Ned Flanders:
Ho ho, no sir-ee, we'd be happy as heads to ha...

Homer:
[sternly] *I* would make it my *business* to be a third wheel.

Ned Flanders:
Okily dokily. Oooh, I better go take down the Manger scene. If baby Jesus got loose, it could really do some damage!

Ned Flanders:
[talking to God after his house is destroyed] Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear, I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I... I... I feel like I'm coming apart here! I wanna yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just... I... [sighs]

Ned Flanders:
Well, sir, everyone's alive. Guess that's something to be thankful for.

Homer:
Now, that kind of attitude's not gonna get your house back.

Marge Simpson:
I'm sure your insurance will cover the house.

Maude Flanders:
Uh, well, no. Neddy doesn't believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.

Ned Flanders:
You know it's kind of funny. The only thing that survived the storm were the family tombstones. [said tombstones are named Ned, Maude, Rod and Todd] They're all we have left.

Homer:
[walking off] Welp, call us if you need anything!

[about the hurricane]

Homer:
All right everyone, it's the standard Grampa drill... everyone into the cellar.

Dr. Foster:
You are free to roam around the grounds but do be warned one of our patients *is* a cannibal. Try to guess which one... I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.

Chorus:
[to the Simpsons tune] The Hurricane.

Jay Sherman:
It stinks, it stinks, it stinks!

Doctor:
Yes Mr. Sherman, everything stinks.

Ned Flanders:
And you! I don't know who you are but I'm sure you're an idiot!

Lenny:
Hey, I just got here! What's going on?

[Milo hands out Japanese hard candy]

Nelson Muntz:
I got prawn!

Milhouse:
I got miso!

Lisa Simpson:
I got dolphin.

Marge Simpson:
I've lost my perfect 26-26-26 figure.

Homer Simpson:
We're gonna be rich! We can finally start a family!

Marge Simpson:
We have a family.

Homer Simpson:
A better one.

Daniel Clowes:
Oh, no! The store is in trouble!

Alan Moore:
League of Extraordinary Freelancers activate!

[they all tear off their shirts]

Art Spiegelman:
[puts on mouse mask] Maus is in the house!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, are you all right? I see food on your plate instead of blurring motions.

Homer Simpson:
Kids, daddy underwent a special procedure done so that he can be more attactive to your mother.

Bart Simpson:
You had your hot dog plumped?

Homer Simpson:
No, I had my stomach stapled.

[cuts up a piece of pizza, puts it in the blender, and drinks it]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, all food tastes like barf now.

Bart Simpson:
Alan Moore! You wrote my favorite Radioactive Man comics.

Alan Moore:
Oh, really? You liked how I made your favorite superhero a heroin-addicted jazz critic who's not radioactive?

Bart Simpson:
I don't read the words, I just like it when he punches people.

Homer Simpson:
Hors d'ouvres, big fancy desserts, and my wife's paying for it all. Now I know why pimps are always so happy.

[watching a green Homer being taken down by the cops]

Stan Lee:
He can't be the Hulk... I'M the Hulk!

[rips his shirt open, growls, and tries to change into the Hulk]

Comic Book Guy:
Oh, please. You couldn't even change into Bill Bixby.

Stan Lee:
Come on, dammit, change!

[continues to growl and signs]

Stan Lee:
Ah, forget it.

[goes back to growling]

Stan Lee:
I really did it once.

Comic Book Guy:
Yes, yes. I just wish you had the power to leave my store.

[they go back inside and Stan Lee starts growling again]

Comic Book Guy:
Almost had it there.

Homer:
It's true, I'm a rageoholic! I just can't get enough RAGEOHOL!

[cries]

[while kids are coming up with their own comic book characters]

Ralph:
I'm called Ralph!

[he draws on his face]

[At the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant where Angry Dad Works]

Homer:
Boy, this job sure is easy. Now to press this button.

[Homer presses a red button and the cooling towers explode in a mushroom cloud]

Homer:
[Rageful] Not *again*!

Bart Simpson:
[Voicing the cartoon Mr.Burns with a deeper voice] Angry Dad, you're fired.

[Angry Dad's head explodes in a mushroom cloud and Bart and Millhouse laugh]

Homer:
Oh, what a day. Maybe the headlines will cheer me up.

[the headline says "You suck, Angry Dad"]

Homer:
That's opinion, not news!

[His head inflates and his eyeballs explode]

Homer:
[laughing] That guy's hilarious. I especially like his white shirt and blue pants. Wait a minute... Angry Dad is ME!

Lenny Leonard:
Yeah, didn't you know? You've been world famous for an hour now.

Carl Carlson:
You're the Internet's #1 non-porno site.

Lenny Leonard:
Which makes you ten trillionth overall.

Homer:
What kind of a monster would humiliate me like this?

[Cartoon Bart spray paints a logo on Angry Dad's back]

Bart Simpson:
This has been a Bartoon presentation, in association with Ay Carumba Entertainment.

[Angry Dad turns around and growls]

Bart Simpson:
Stan Lee came back?

Comic Book Guy:
Stan Lee never left. And I'm starting to think that his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Homer:
HOMER MAD!

[Homer is strangling Bart because he made a popular cartoon based on him]

Bart:
[chokes] There's going to be a movie about you.

Homer:
[stops choking Bart] Who's going to play me?

Bart:
John Goodman.

Homer:
[continues choking Bart] Isn't it obvious it should be Gary Oldman?

[a police officer has mistaken a green-painted Homer for the Incredible Hulk]

Stan Lee:
He's not the Hulk... I'M the Hulk.

[rips shirt, growls and tries to change into Hulk]

Stan Lee:
I don't understand, I did it once before.

Comic Book Guy:
Oh, please, you couldn't turn into Bill Bixby.

Bart:
Stan Lee came back?

Comic Book Guy:
Stan Lee never left. I'm afraid his mind is no longer in mint condition.

Stan Lee:
Say, aren't you the guy who was stalking Lynda Carter?

Comic Book Guy:
The term is "courting," thank you. The restraining order says "no-no," but her eyes say "yes-yes."

Lou:
Chief, it looks like there's a 64G in progress. [Chief Wiggum looks confused] Armed robbery with a gun? [Chief Wiggum still looks confused; Lou draws a stick figure robber on his pad] Come on, chief. You know this one.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, a shootie stealie.

Homer Simpson:
Chief Wiggum, you have to do something. My current wife is in there.

Chief Wiggum:
Well, you take over then. I have no stake in this. This isn't even my bank. I'm at Federal Mutual down the street.

Ted Nugent:
This is Ted Nugent, the Motor City Madman, urging you to vote no on Proposition 87. If we don't allow crossbows in our public schools, how will we protect our children from charging elk? Thank you for your time, and as always... I say Wango! I say Tango!

Homer Simpson:
You don't owe him nothing. I promised Moe I'd visit him in the hospital, but I don't.

Marge Simpson:
You told me you visited him every night.

Homer Simpson:
Moe the tavern, not Moe the man.

Dr. Hibbert:
Krusty, I haven't seen you since that terrifying day.

Krusty the Clown:
You'll have to be way more specific.

Dr. Hibbert:
We were hostages in the bank.

Krusty the Clown:
Oh, yeah. Sorry I offered your life for my safety.

Homer Simpson:
Come on, think.

Homer Simpson:
[brain] You think of something.

Homer Simpson:
You have to think. It's your job.

Homer Simpson:
[brain, mockingly] You have to think, it's your job!

Homer Simpson:
Why you little...! [strangles his own head]

[Chief Wiggum just won a stuffed monkey at the carnival]

Lou:
Chief, I think we have a hostage situation over there.

Chief Wiggum:
Can't a man have one minute alone with his monkey? One minute? [Lou mumbles something] What'd you say?

Lou:
I said the monkey would make a better chief!

Chief Wiggum:
He is a pretty great monkey, isn't he?

Dr. Hibbert:
He'll be fine. Not you and me fine, but fine.

Krusty the Clown:
Hey! Leave the comedy to the comedians.

Dr. Hibbert:
All right, funny man. Make me laugh.

Krusty the Clown:
[looking at index cards] What if instead, he were run over by a zamboni?

Dr. Hibbert:
I don't see how.

Krusty the Clown:
Then I've got nothing.

Marge Simpson:
I'm a hostage in a bank robbery!

Homer Simpson:
Listen very carefully: don't do anything they say; remain panicky; and above all, try to be a hero.

Warden:
You will dance and you will like it. Then you will have punch and you will drink it. Then your eyes will meet and it will be awkward. So help me God!

Janey:
Miss Hoover, can we exchange our valentines?

Miss Hoover:
Not just yet, Janey. First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the Valentines.

Lisa:
Isn't that just pointless busy work?

Miss Hoover:
Bulls-eye. Get cracking.

Lisa:
Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?

Homer:
Sure it is, honey. You *do* mean stealing, don't you?

Elizabeth Hoover:
Do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?

Chief Wiggum:
She didn't reckon with the awesome power of the Chief of Police. Now where did I put my badge?... Hey, that duck's got it.

Homer:
Ahhh sweet pity... what would my love life be without it ?

[Bart and Lisa both want to go to the Krusty Anniversary Show, and Ralph Wiggum has tickets to take himself and her; his crush]

Lisa:
I don't even know if I should go. I don't even like him.

Bart:
You're right, Lis. You shouldn't go. I'll go disguised as you.

Lisa:
What if he wants to hold hands?

Bart:
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa:
What if he wants to kiss?

Bart:
I'm prepared to make that sacrifice.

Lisa:
What if he -...

Bart:
[interrupts Lisa] You don't wanna know how far I'll go.

Homer:
Apu, you gotta help me! I need a Valentine's gift for my wife!

Apu:
Perhaps this might be appropriate?

Apu:
[Apu takes out a box of chocolates in a heart-shaped box]

Homer:
Yes! You saved my life. How much?

Apu:
One hundred dollars.

Homer:
WHAT? That's highway robbery, I won't pay it!

Apu:
Oh, I think you will.

Homer:
Forget it, pal!

Homer:
[Homer starts to leave the store, Apu hums peacefully]

Homer:
All right! But I'll never shop here again!

Apu:
[thinking] If he discovers the discount supermarket next door, all is lost.

Apu:
Nickel off on expired baby food.

Homer:
Sold!

Krusty the Klown:
Is this your girlfriend, Ralph?

Ralph Wiggum:
Yes, she is. I love Lisa Simpson, and when I grow up I'm going to marry her.

Lisa:
[erupting] Noooooooooooooooooooooooo! Now you listen to me! I don't like you, I never liked you, and the only reason I gave you that stupid valentine is because nobody else would!

Lisa:
What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?

Marge Simpson:
Well, honey, I...

Homer:
Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard them all: "I like you as a friend," "I think we should see other people," "I no speak English"...

Lisa:
I get the idea.

Homer:
"I'm married to the sea," "I don't want to kill you but I will"...

Marge Simpson:
Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy that you're very flattered, but you're just not ready for this kind of thing.

Lisa:
Thanks, Mom.

Homer:
And if that doesn't work, six simple words: "I'm not gay, but I'll learn."

[Before the President's Day pageant]

Bart:
Hey girls, check out this president!

[He turns around and drops his pants, showing a pair of fake eyes and a long nose attached to his butt]

Bart:
[a la Richard Nixon] I am not a butt!

Milhouse Van Houten:
[as Lincoln] I thought that Civil War would never end. Now to soothe my head with an evening at Ford's Theater.

[doors behind him are kicked open]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Oh, no! John Wilkes Booth!

Bart:
Hasta la vista, Abey.

Miss Hoover:
Martha Washington will be played by Lisa Simpson.

[Lisa giggles]

Miss Hoover:
George Washington will be played by... em, Ralph Wiggum.

Rex:
What? This is a travesty! Everyone knows I'm the best actor in this ridiculous school!

Miss Hoover:
Sit down, Rex.

Rex:
I will not sit down! Someone's gone to you, you deceitful cow!

Miss Hoover:
That's absurd, Rex. Ralph won the part fair and square.

[She opens and closes the blinds repeatedly. Outside:
]

Chief Wiggum:
That's the signal. Take the boot off the car, boys.

Krusty the Klown:
Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel, whacked out on wowie sauce!

Sideshow Mel:
[drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a...

[beep]

[At breakfast, Marge puts a plate with the food spelling out "I Love You" in front of Homer]

Marge Simpson:
And this is for my huggy-bug, in honor of this special day.

Homer:
[thinking] Special day! Oh, what have I forgotten now? Now, don't panic. Is it Bacon Day? No, that's crazy talk!

[Marge's smile fades]

Homer:
[thinking] She's getting impatient, take a stab at it!

Homer:
[aloud] Happy... Valentine's Day!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, thank you, dear.

[kisses him]

Homer:
Woo hoo!

[towards the end of the President's Day pageant]

Principal Skinner:
And now our evening comes to an end...

Homer:
Woo hoo!

Principal Skinner:
...with a thorough retelling of the life of George Washington.

Homer:
D'oh!

Krusty the Klown:
Ah, let's look at some clips...

[black-and-white segment showing Robert Frost reading "Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening."]

Robert Frost:
"He will not see me stopping here, to watch his woods fill up with snow..."

Krusty the Klown:
Hey, Frosty! You want some snow, man?

[He pulls a bellrope, and an avalanche of fake snow is dumped on Frost]

Robert Frost:
[same meter] We discussed this, and I said "no."

[showing Lisa his tape of the Krusty Anniversary Show, where Lisa rejected Ralph]

Bart:
Watch this, Lis. You can actually pinpoint the second when his heart rips in half.

[he advances the tape in slow motion]

Bart:
And... now!

[on the tape, Ralph gives a little whimper; Lisa groans]

Lisa:
[in the Presidential play, Lisa is Martha Washington and Ralph is George Washington] Dear, dear George Washington. Can this liberty you dream of be worth all this bloodshed?

Ralph Wiggum:
Dear madam, would you put a price on the air we breathe, or the providence that sustains us?

Lisa:
But couldn't we just give into the British?

Ralph Wiggum:
NEVER!

Lisa:
[George Washington is on his deathbed] Please don't leave me George...

Ralph Wiggum:
Dear wife, if I could take but one treasure with me to the next life, it would be your tender kiss. [he kisses her hand and dies; she cries]

Krusty the Clown:
Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary show! Featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel whacked out on "wowie sauce"!

Sideshow Mel:
[drunk] Everyone's always kissing your ass! Well, I'm not afraid to tell you, you're a

[beep]

Marge:
What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested?

Marge:
Well, honey...

Homer:
Let me handle this, Marge. I've heard 'em all.

[ticking off on his fingers]

Homer:
"I like you as a friend", "I think we should see other people", "I no speak English"...

Lisa:
I get the idea.

Homer:
"I'm married to the sea", "I don't want to kill you, but I will"...

Marge:
Honey! Lisa, I'd tell this boy you're flattered, but you're just not ready for this sort of thing.

Lisa:
Thanks, Mom.

Homer:
And if that doesn't work- six simple words: "I'm not gay but I'll learn."

Principal Skinner:
[after having a traumatic flashback of Valentine's Day in Vietnam] Johnny. Johnny! JOHNNYYYYYYYYYYYY!

Bart:
Cool! I broke his brain

Ralph:
The doctor said I wouldn't have so many nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there.

Homer:
You in charge here?

Mr. Burns:
Yes.

Smithers:
I'll call security sir.

Homer:
If you want the kind of employee that takes abuse I'm your man. You can treat me like dirt and I'll still kiss your butt and call it ice cream.

Mr. Burns:
Hold the phone Smithers. I like the cut of your jib.

Smithers:
But sir this man not only failed the aptitude test he got trapped in a closet on his way out.

Mr. Burns:
I don't care. I haven't been this impressed since a young bootlick named Waylon Smithers.

Homer:
You mean?

Mr. Burns:
Son you're hired. What's your name?

Homer:
Homer Simpson.

Mr. Burns:
Simpson eh? I'll remember that name.

Homer:
WHOO HOO! Only in America could I get a job.

Homer:
Marge, you're as beautiful as Princess Leia and as smart as Yoda.

[Marge is pregnant with Bart]

Marge:
Hey, come over here and feel our baby kicking.

Homer:
Wow! Kid, I won't let you down. I swear to you, when you come out of there, the first thing you're going to see is a man with a good job.

Patty:
Yeah... the doctor.

[Homer's job interview with the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant]

Smithers:
Now, let's say that there's something wrong with the reactor...

Homer:
There's a problem with the reactor? We're all gonna die!

[Homer runs out, screaming]

Marge:
Homer, do you ever think about the future?

Homer:
You mean will apes be our masters?

[Homer got Marge pregnant]

Abe Simpson:
Son, you've got to marry that girl.

Homer:
Because it's the honorable thing to do?

Abe Simpson:
No. Because you'll never do any better. Heh, heh, heh. You lucky bum. The fish jumped right in the boat, and all you gotta do is whack her with the oar.

[On a sonogram of Marge's stomach, Bart turns away]

Dr. Hibbert:
If I didn't know better, I'd swear he was trying to moon us.

[when Bart was born]

Marge:
Homey, isn't he beautiful?

Homer:
Hey, as long as he's got eight fingers and eight toes, he's fine by me.

[Homer is working at a drive-thru window]

Homer:
Yeah, what do you want?

Marge:
My husband by my side.

Homer:
You want fries with that?

Marge:
"Barnacle Bill's Home Pregnancy Test"? Homer, shouldn't we have gone with a better-known brand?

Homer:
But Marge, this one came with a free corncob pipe!

Marge:
Okay, let's see. "Ahoy mateys! If the water turns blue, a baby for you. If purple ye see, no baby thar be."

Homer:
Well, what color is it? Blue or purple?

Marge:
Pink.

Homer:
D'oh!

Marge:
Hmm. "If ye test should fail, to a doctor set sail."

Homer:
Oh, honey do you really think you're pregnant?

Marge:
Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I did with the other kids.

Homer:
Yeah, and I have the same tingling in my chest and profuse sweating I always get.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, if the baby's a girl, can we name her Ariel?

Bart Simpson:
[imitates buzzer] I'm sorry, the baby's name will be Kool Moe Dee Simpson.

Lisa Simpson:
Ariel!

Bart Simpson:
Kool Moe Dee!

Lisa Simpson:
Ariel!

Bart Simpson:
Kool Moe Dee!

Homer:
Marge, there's something that I want to ask you, but I'm afraid, because if you say no, it will destroy me and make me a criminal.

Marge:
Well, I haven't said no to you yet, have I?

Homer:
Marge... Oh, damn it.

Marge:
What's wrong?

Homer:
Ohn I wrote down what I wanted to say on a card. The stupid thing must have fallen out of my pocket.

[He turns and hunches over the seat, rooting around the floor of the back of the car, and honking the horn with his feet. Marge picks up a card]

Marge:
Is this it?

Homer:
I don't know, what does it say?

Marge:
[reading] "Marge, from the moment I met you I never wanted to be with anyone else. I have nothing to offer you except all of my love. Will you marry me?"

Homer:
That's it. Give it here.

Marge:
Oh, Homer. This is the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.

Homer:
So... will you marry me?

Marge:
...Yes!

Homer:
WOO HOO! She's going to marry me! In your face, everyone!

Reno Officiant:
Cletus, do you take... Aileen, to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Cletus:
Yep.

Reno Officiant:
Done. Next!

[at Shotgun Pete's Wedding Chapel]

Receptionist:
Take this card. You can get it stamped every time you come back. The tenth wedding is on the house.

Homer:
Hey, this marriage is gonna last forever!

Receptionist:
Ha, ha! No matter how many times I hear that, it always makes me laugh.

Selma:
Marge, I've got two and a half words for you: Gulp 'N Blow.

Dr. Hibbert:
Well, Ms. Bouvier, I think we've found the reason you've been throwing up in the morning...

[holds out his hand to Homer]

Dr. Hibbert:
Congratulations.

Homer:
D'OH!

[His "d'oh" echoes down the hallway]

Man in Body Cast:
Poor guy.

Dr. Hibbert:
Perhaps this pamphlet will prove useful.

Marge:
[reading] "So You've Ruined Your Life"...

Marge:
Homer, if the baby's a boy, what do you think about the name Larry?

Homer:
Marge, we can't do that. All the kids will call him Larry Fairy.

Marge:
How about Louie?

Homer:
They'll call him Screwy Louie.

Marge:
Bob?

Homer:
Slob.

Marge:
Luke?

Homer:
Puke.

Marge:
Marcus?

Homer:
Mucus.

Marge:
What about Bart?

Homer:
Hmm, let's see. Bart, Cart, Dart, E-art... nope, can't see any problem with that [seemingly forgetting that "fart" would come next]

Mr. Burns:
Who was that young hellcat, Smithers?

Smithers:
Homer Simpson, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Simpson, eh? I'll remember that name.

Homer:
[Knocking on door] Marge! Marge!

Jacqueline Bouvier:
You're a little late. She's gone to the hospital.

Homer:
The hospital?

Jacqueline Bouvier:
I'll drive you.

Homer:
Thanks, Mom.

Jacqueline Bouvier:
Don't *ever* call me that.

Homer:
[as Marge goes into labor] Step aside. I'll deliver this baby.

Dr. Hibbert:
Uh, why don't you let me handle it, Homer?

Homer:
Oh, college boy, eh? [Squares up to Dr. Hibbert]

Marge:
Homer, for God's sakes, let him deliver the baby!

Homer:
Ahhh, Bart. Daddy's little angel.

[Bart uses Homer's lighter to set his tie on fire]

Homer:
Argh! Why you little - He did that on purpose!

Marge:
How could he? He's only ten minutes old.

Homer:
Bart, Lisa, come here for a minute. You know, son, the day you were born, I received the greatest gift a man could have. As the years went by, your mother and I were blessed twice more, and not a day goes by that we don't thank God for all three of you.

Marge:
[Marge enters] Homer, I'm not pregnant!

Homer:
Yeah! Whoo! Excellent, Marge!

Marge:
Yes!

[They high five each other]

[Barney lies drunk in the street]

Barney:
Spell 'relapse!'

Lisa:
R-E-L-A-P-S-E!

Barney:
[singing] That's what beer has done to me!

Cletus:
Spell 'scabies!'

Lisa:
S-C-A-B-I-E-S!

Brandine:
[holding her baby by the shirt] Rubella, we got you a middle name!

Cletus:
You ain't supposed to hold her like that.

[after learning Homer can't make it to her final meet because he's after the tasty ribwich sandwich]

Lisa:
Dad, this is my moment in the sun. How can you miss it to be with a sandwich?

Bart Simpson:
Come on, man, everyone knows the first day of school is a total wank.

Principal Skinner:
Well, if by "wank" you mean educational fun, then stand back it's wanking time!

Barney:
[drunk, laying on the side of the road] Spell 'relapse'.

Lisa:
R-E-L-A-P-S-E

Barney:
[singing] That's what beer has done to me! Sockittome, sockittome, sockittome, sockittome!

Krusty the Clown:
It's not important to talk about who got rich off of whom, or who got exposed to tainted what...

Otto:
Spell AC/DC!

Lisa:
A-C-D-C

Otto:
Nuh-uh! You forgot the lightning bolt.

Apu:
Here at the Kwik-E-Mart we believe in America. Please do not beat me up anymore.

Principal Skinner:
[an announcement made in front of the entire school] Due to budget cuts we had to sell the plastic skeleton and replace it with this Halloween costume. Also, the class trip to Italy is now "Spaghetti Night" in the school cafeteria, and your $1500 deposit is non refundable. Goodnight!

Apu:
Elton John.

Elton John:
That's my name. Well, not really.

Apu:
I hate to sound like a screaming fan, but...

[plane flies just overhead them]

Elton John:
That maniac nearly killed us.

Apu:
Shall I "Take You to the Pilot?" You see, because that is your song.

Elton John:
I hear you.

Apu:
Yes, "Somebody Saved Your Life Tonight."

Elton John:
Cut it out.

Apu:
Oh, well, "The B*tch is Back."

Dr. Hibbert:
What the Halle Berry?

Lisa Simpson:
I think it's only fair that I get to name this cat. You got to name me.

Marge Simpson:
You should be glad I did. Your father wanted to call you Bartzina.

Bart Simpson:
[watching videotape of his next opponent at the Robot Rumble easily destroy a Terminator cyborg] Sure he's tough, but he's never come up against a wooden mallet.

Ned Flanders:
That is one bitching ride.

Rod Flanders:
Daddy said a bad word!

Ned Flanders:
Oh, lighten up, Roddy.

Homer Simpson:
And now to get dressed in a most unusual way.

[Homer starts dressing up as an ice cream man like Alli G, starting from no clothes to underwear, ect. Ends with hat]

Homer Simpson:
[Cool accent] Butter brickle! [Finger snap]

Homer Simpson:
[to Marge] This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood.

Homer Simpson:
Well excuse me for having enormous flaws that I don't work on.

Lisa Simpson:
Comic Book Guy, have you seen our mom?

Comic Book Guy:
Ohh, a complete list of things I have seen or not seen is available on my blog. Your mother is on the not seen list, along with a Star Wars film that was only good since the first one. And even that has been ruined by CGI additions... Bravo George... [claps]

[Ralph puts an ice cream cone on his head]

Ralph Wiggum:
I'm a unitard!

[Lenny's and Carl's popsicle stick likenesses are smashed together]

Lenny Leonard:
Look at this! I can't tell where Carl ends and I begin!

Carl Carlson:
See? It's statements like that that make people think we're gay!

Akira:
[on phone] Hai... Hai... Hai... Bye.

Akira:
[hangs up and turns to Homer, Bart, Lisa]

Akira:
Hi.

Homer Simpson:
Akira, can you read this for me?

[hands Akira the box]

Akira:
[reading] Ah, yes. This is a product called, "Mr. Sparkle." Very popular dish detergent.

[points to box illustration]

Akira:
Hey, he looks like you. Ah! Ah - ha! Ah! Ah!

Lisa Simpson:
What's he saying?

Akira:
He identifies himself as a magnet for foodstuffs. He boasts that he will banish dirt to the land of wind and ghosts.

Lisa Simpson:
Wow.

Akira:
Yes, you have very lucky dishes, Mr. Simpson. This soap is from the sacred forests of Hokkaido, renowned for its countless soap factories.

Mr. Sparkle Executive:
[heavily accented] Oh, hello, American investor. I see you are interested in distributing Mr. Sparkle in you home prefecture. You have chosen wisely. But please - don't believe me. Observe this commercial.

Mr. Sparkle:
[begin commercial. A Japanese housewife wearing semi-futuristic clothing loads a dishwasher. She pulls out a whistle, which summons Mr. Sparkle. His head jumps off the Mr. Sparkle box, and floats in mid-air. True to his name, bright sparkles fill the air]

Mr. Sparkle:
[in Japanese; subtitled] I'm disrespectful to dirt. Can you see that I am serious?

Mr. Sparkle:
[having no arms or legs, Mr. Sparkle scrubs the dishes clean by rubbing up and down with his head. The housewife is delighted with her clean dinnerware. Mr. Sparkle flies into the next room, where a baby is playing with a toy xylophone. He amuses the child by bouncing on a few keys, and then flies off. In the next scene, he appears deep beneath the ocean, where a trio of dancing women hang out, where else?, on the sea floor] Out of my way, all of you. This is no place for loafers! Join me or die! Can you do any less?

Dancing Woman #2, Dancing Woman #3, Dancing Woman #1:
What a brave corporate logo! I accept the challenge of Mr. Sparkle.

Dancing Woman #3:
Awesome power!

[an inset box appears in the upper left corner of the screen, showing a windup monkey toy banging a drum. Mr. Sparkle demonstrates his awesome power by blowing up a strong wind of heart-shaped symbols. The wind transforms the dancing women into giggling Sumo wrestlers. I am not convinced this is an improvement. Mr. Sparkle then proceeds to fly over a cow pasture. A reporter is interviewing a two-headed cow]

Reporter in Commercial:
What are your plans for summer vacation?

Mr. Sparkle:
[the cow spots Mr. Sparkle floating overhead, and is so surprised she shatters. Her four eyes hover in mid-air for a second, then fall to the ground and blink. Cut to a screen where Japanese slogans spiral to a vanishing point at the center of the screen. Mr. Sparkle appears at the center and heads toward the camera, rotating in the opposite direction] For lucky best wash, use Mr. Sparkle.

[after watching the bizarre "Mr. Sparkle" Japanese commercial]

Homer Simpson:
[distraught] That didn't explain anything. All I know is that they stole my face and used it for their stupid logo. There's no other explanation.

Lisa Simpson:
Wait, look!

Announcer:
[on TV] Mr. Sparkle. A joint venture of Matsumura Fishworks and Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern.

[a smiling fish logo appears on the left half of the screen and a light bulb logo appears on the right half. The two logos merge to form the Mr. Sparkle logo]

Lisa Simpson:
Hey! It was all a coincidence.

Bart Simpson:
[to Homer] Yep. There's your answer, fishbulb.

Homer Simpson:
[tired] Well, it was a good ride while it lasted. Come on kids, let's go home.

Bart Simpson:
We ARE home.

Homer Simpson:
[slouching onto the couch] That was fast.

Rev. Lovejoy:
[Describes being bothered incessantly by Ned Flanders] Eventually, I just gave up and stopped caring. Luckily, by then it was the '80s, and no one noticed.

Marge Simpson:
You can't let a few bad experiences put you off helping people!

Rev. Lovejoy:
Oh, sure I can.

Agnes Skinner:
Seymour, tell these people we're going ahead of them.

Principal Skinner:
I'm not the principal of the line, mother.

Agnes Skinner:
And you never will be.

Rev. Lovejoy:
[consoling Ned over the phone] Why don't you read your Bible?

Ned Flanders:
Which part?

Rev. Lovejoy:
It's all good.

Bart Simpson:
A house and garden show? [Bart, Lisa and Homer groan] You told me we were going to a video game expo!

Lisa Simpson:
You told me we were going to clean trash on the freeway!

Homer Simpson:
You told me something but I wasn't listening!

[the whole family is in the hot tub]

Marge Simpson:
I feel like we should get out.

Homer Simpson:
Interesting proposal. And now, with a opposing point of view, bubbles!

Ned Flanders:
Guys, could you cool your jets? Some of us are trying to sleep.

Homer Simpson:
Why don't you join us, Flanders? Are you afraid to get your moustache wet?

Ned Flanders:
Well, actually, yes.

Bart Simpson:
Come on, Ned. Baptize your buns.

Lisa Simpson:
Ireland is the leader in communication technologies in all of Europe.

Bart Simpson:
Take that, Belgium!

Marge Simpson:
Bart, if you hate Belgium so much, I'll take away your Tin Tins.

Bart Simpson:
No, I'll be good!

Irish Guy:
I'm trying to woo back a girl that I met in a music shop. [playing "Falling Slowly"] Watch this, kids. "I don't know you, but I want you all the more..."

Irish Girl:
Leave me alone! I have a husband!

Irish Girl's Husband:
And quit sending her pianos! [shoves a piano out the window]

Marge:
So, Mr King, what tale of horror and the macabre are you working on now?

Stephen King:
Actually, I'm taking a break from horror for the time being.

Marge:
Oh, that's too bad.

Stephen King:
At the moment I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He was a fascinating man who discovered electricity, and used it to torture children and green mountain men. And that key he tied to a kite - it opened the gates to HELL.

Marge:
Well, when you go back to horror will you let me know?

Stephen King:
Will do.

[writes down a note:
CALL MARGE RE: HORROR]

Bart Simpson:
[sees an exhibit of the famous Dummies books] Ah, finally, some books for today's busy idiots. "Network Programming for Dummies". "Christianity for Dummies". "Moby Dick"? "Call me Ishmael, dummy." How did you write all these books?

Dummies author:
Duh, I don't know. Me got to go to the bank now.

Lisa:
Miss Tan, I loved The Joy Luck Club. You really showed me how the mother-daughter bond could survive adversity.

Amy Tan:
No, no, that's not what I meant at all. I can't believe how wrong you got it. Just sit down, I'm embarrassed for both of us.

Marge:
I thought you said the law was powerless.

Chief Wiggum:
Powerless to *help* you, not punish you.

[Otto left his fiancee at the altar because of Marge]

Bart:
Say, I got an idea. Why don't you stay with us?

Marge:
Bart, remember that talk we had about inviting people to stay with us without asking?

Homer:
Marge, remember that talk we had about ruining peoples' weddings?

Marge:
Who cut my brakes?

Homer:
Oh, yeah. When I was fixing your car, I kinda spilled all your brake liquid. I didn't want to tell you, 'cause I thought you'd get mad.

Lisa:
Poor little Maggie... How many mental competency hearings have you been to, in your short life?

Psychologist #2:
Excuse me, what are you doing?

Marge:
Oh, I was just praying to God that you'll find me sane.

Psychologist #2:
I see. And this "God", is he in this room right now?

Marge:
Oh, yes, he's kind of everywhere.

Psychologist #1:
Marge Simpson, you give us no choice but to declare you utterly...

Marge:
I'm not insane!

Psychologist #1:
You didn't let me finish. - insane!

Marge:
[jumps out the window in panic then gets up like nothing happened] I'm not insane.

Marge:
This isn't over, Becky! I know where you live! My house!

Bart:
[waving a camcorder around on the bus] Tonight on the Discovery Channel; Inside Lisa's Nose. What will we find, boogers or Nazi gold?

Lisa:
Bart, quit it!

Bart:
No way.

Lisa:
Bart sleeps with Raggedy Andy!

Bart:
Cut, cut, cut!

Bart:
So, any words for the bride and groom?

Principal Skinner:
Now now, Bart. I'm trying to urinate.

Bart:
You don't seem to be trying very hard.

Homer:
Wow, it *is* the seventies, right down to the smallest detail.

Marge:
Hey, the bartender even looks like John Travolta.

John Travolta:
Yeah, *looks* like...

Euro-Itchy and Scratchy Land Ticket Attendant:
Hello? Itchy & Scratchy Land, open for business! Who are you to resist it, huh? Come on, my last paycheck bounced! My children need wine!

Park Manager:
There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned with violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem, so that we may educate as well as horrify.

Marge:
When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe, but in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably.

Park Manager:
Just like in real life.

Bart:
Hey, mouse. Say, "Cheese."

[Bart takes a picture with his camera, causing a Scratchy robot to collapse]

Bart:
With a dry, cool wit like that, I could be an action hero.

[at Itchy & Scratchy Land]

Park Announcer:
Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.

Woman:
I'd be terribly embarrassed if I was that boy's mother.

Marge:
Mmmmm...

Park Announcer:
Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

Marge:
Mmmmmmm...

Marge:
I have nothing to say to you.

Homer:
But Marge, I was a political prisoner.

Marge:
How were you a political prisoner?

Homer:
I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, remember when you said going to Itchy & Scratchy Land would be too damn expensive?

Homer:
Oh, everything's too damn expensive nowadays. Look at this Bible I bought - fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

Bart:
Mom, guess what!

Lisa Simpson:
We're going to Itchy & Scratchy Land!

Marge:
No. I've already planned our vacation for this year. We're going to the Highway 9 Bird Sanctuary. I understand they've installed a new bird feeder this year.

[Bart and Lisa stare, horrified]

Marge:
It's shaped like a diner! And it's on this really tall pole.

Homer:
Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we're all agreed to disband and join other families.

Marge, Bart, Lisa Simpson:
Agreed.

Helicopter Pilot:
We are now approaching our final destination, Itchy and Scratchy Land. The amusement park of the future where nothing can "possa-bly" go wrong. Uh, possibly go wrong. That's the first thing that's ever gone wrong.

Marge:
Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?

Homer:
Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?

Marge:
Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!

Homer:
*Now* who's being naive?

Grampa:
Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!

Homer:
[rolling eyes] Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth," "The nurses are stealing my money," "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

Marge:
Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.

Lisa:
What are we gonna have?

Homer:
Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison.

Lisa:
What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart:
Poison pizza.

Homer:
Oh, no. I'm not making two stops.

Homer:
You know, when I was a boy I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.

Bart:
Dad, what's the point of this story?

Homer:
I like stories.

Homer:
Now, what were we talking about, boy?

Bart:
Uhhhh... we were talking about the time you beat jury duty.

Homer:
Oh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

Homer:
If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.

Grampa:
You already put me in a home.

Homer:
Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes.

Grampa:
[cowering] I'll be good.

Marge:
Homer, I'd like to talk to you.

Homer:
But then I won't be watching TV. You can see the bind I'm in.

Homer:
[Bart has broken Grandpa's dentures] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.

Grampa:
Oh, this is gonna be sweet.

Homer:
Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's. Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.

Homer:
I know my punishment may seem harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.

Bart:
TV sucks.

Homer:
[with restrained anger] I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

[Bart has put his James Bond action figure into the microwave; as he speaks to it, he strokes Snowball II, a la Ernst Stavro Blofeld]

Bart:
Stick around, Mr. Bond. Things are really starting to...

[presses button]

Bart:
Cook. [the figure melts, while Bart laughs evilly]

[as punishment for letting Maggie wander off, Homer decrees that Bart can never go to the "Itchy & Scratchy Movie."]

Bart:
Dad, you gotta let me see that movie! Can't you just give me a spanking?

[drops his pants, turns around, and bends over]

Bart:
Come on, go nuts!

Homer:
Don't point that thing at me!

Kent Brockman:
Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years.

Man:
[hic] Kill me.

[hic]

Man:
Kill me.

[last lines]

Homer:
Which one's the mouse?

Bart:
Itchy.

Homer:
Itchy's a jerk.

Bart:
[chuckles] Yeah.

[on the bridge of the Enterprise, everyone is well past their prime]

Cpt. Kirk:
Captain's log, Stardate 6051. Had trouble sleeping last night. My hiatal hernia is acting up. The ship is drafty and damp. I complain, but nobody listens.

Announcer:
"Star Trek XII: So Very Tired"... see the original cast in the latest and greatest adventure!

[three Birds of Prey confront the Enterprise]

Sulu:
Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.

Cpt. Kirk:
[exasperated] Again with the Klingons. [activates communicator] Mr. Scott, give me full power.

[in the engine room]

Scotty:
It's no good, captain. [Scotty is too fat reach the engineering computer] I ca'not reach the control panel!

[Marge's plan to get "Itchy and Scratchy" off the air backfires]

Marge:
I guess one person *can* make a difference... but most of the time they probably shouldn't.

Stupid Squrrial:
Stop it.

Stupid Squrrial:
I said stop it! [Head comes off]

Homer Simpson:
Twenty million women in the world and I had to marry Jane Fonda!

Helen Lovejoy:
[about Michelangelo's statue of David] It's filth! It graphically portrays parts of the human body, which, practical as they may be, are evil!

Roger Meyers Jr.:
That screwball Marge Simpson. We've got to stop her! But how?

Animator #1:
Drop an anvil on her?

Animator #2:
Hit her on the head with a piano.

Animator #3:
Stuff her full of TNT, then throw a match down her throat and run?

Roger Meyers Jr.:
All your fancy degrees and that's the best you can do? You make me sick!

[the writers all meekly agree]

Roger Meyers Jr.:
Take a letter, Miss White. Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy and Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat and mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...

Marge:
[reading the letter] And the horse I rode in on? [crumples the letter] I'll show them what one screwball can do!

[Homer rides into the derby arena on a trouble-making donkey]

Derby Announcer 1:
A man on a donkey! Never in my six weeks on the job have I seen the likes of this!

[the donkey stops, exhausted]

Homer:
[Like Pop-Eye] Eh, looks like I need fuel for me mule; gas for me ass [chuckles]

Marge:
[Marge has entered a demolition derby] Don't hit me! I'm not like you people, I'm loved!

[the Simpsons are buying tickets to a PG-13 movie]

Lisa:
Mom, why is this movie rated PG-13?

Marge:
[reading pamphlet] It says it may contain brief rudeness, adult explosions, and scenes with Garry Shandling.

[Bart and Lisa shudder]

[a gay pride parade is marching past the Simpson home]

Gay men:
We're here. We're queer. Get used to it.

Lisa:
You do this every year, we are used to it.

Marcher:
Spoilsport!

Bart:
Well, Milhouse. Ready to imitate that Jackass show?

Milhouse:
The disclaimers make me want to do it more.

Homer:
Stop the madness! Start the movie!

Lisa:
Maybe we should try to calm dad down.

Bart:
I prefer to egg him on. Hey, dad, has the movie started yet?

Homer:
[hysterical scream] YAAAHHHHHH!

Marge:
Homer, you're going to get into trouble.

Homer:
I'm not scared of those ushers. What are they going to do, advance on me?

Marge:
[to Homer] I am not going to make you another spare rib smoothie. Most people with their jaws wired shut don't gain weight.

Jack White:
Hey, kid! Why don't you watch where you're going?

Bart:
Sorry, White Stripes. No hard feelings?

Meg White:
Let's kick his ass!

Bart:
I used to be a great drummer. And now I'm nobody, just like Phil Collins.

[at Homer's Vegas wife, Amber's, funeral]

Bart:
So, how did malt liquor mommy die?

Marge Simpson:
I told you to stop calling her that.

Lenny:
You know that sign that says not to stand up on the roller coaster? [Bart nods] She overdosed right in front of it.

Marge Simpson:
[about Amber] Low class all the way.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, could you let it go? You *won*. She's dead.

[Bart is dressing up Santa's Little Helper for the ugliest dog contest]

Homer Simpson:
Not ugly enough. I want him to look like this... [Holds up Weekly World News with Bat Boy on the cover]

Bart Simpson:
Ay caramba!

Homer Simpson:
...had a baby with this... [shows picture of Mr. Burns]... and got sat on by this. [Shows picture of Patty]

Bart Simpson:
How about this? [Draws picture and shows it to Homer]

Homer Simpson:
Oh... my... God! Bart, you never fail to disgust me.

Bart Simpson:
Just call me Barf Simpson.

Homer Simpson:
I wanted to, but your mother thought kids would laugh at you.

Moe Szyslak:
Hey, clown! We've heard your stand-up, now how about some shut-up?

Krusty the Clown:
Everyone's a comedian!

Moe Szyslak:
Everyone except you!

Moe Szyslak:
They love me for my bile, and I've got a spleen full.

Simon Cowell:
So, how do you like L.A.?

Moe Szyslak:
It's a helluva city. It's like someone stepped on New York and scraped it on the beach.

Simon Cowell:
Clever. Slightly nasty. Very impressive.

Ryan Seacrest:
Ellen, what's your ramble on this?

Ellen DeGeneres:
Ryan, I don't ramble anymore. Although I do like that song Ramblin' Man by the Allman Brothers. At first I thought they were the Almond Brothers, which is great, since I like nuts, except for filberts, which is odd because I love Dilbert, because when you spend all day in a cubicle, you just gotta dance!

Homer Simpson:
[to Moe] You can't close! I'll have to go home and drink better beer at half the price... and natural lighting!

Homer:
Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

[At Kamp Krusty Fat Camp]

Kamp Krusty Counsellor:
All right, you balls of pan drippings, I want to see Crisco coming out of those pores! We're not leaving until this Christmas HAM gives me a pull-up!

Lisa:
[writing a letter] "Dear Mom, I no longer fear Hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty. Our nature hikes have become grim death marches. Our arts and crafts hut is, in truth, a Dickensian workhouse. Bart makes it through the day clinging to his hope that Krusty the Klown will come. But I am far more pessimistic. I am not even sure if this letter will reach you, as the normal lines of communication have been cut. So I close by saying, SAVE US! SAVE US NOW! Bart and Lisa."

Bart:
[opening his locker] Thirty-six, twenty-four, thirty-six. Ha-ha-ha...

Krusty the Clown:
Get ready for two weeks at the happiest place on earth... Tijuana!

[Kent Brockman is covering a summer camp mutiny]

Kent Brockman:
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been to Vietnam, Afghanistan, and Iraq, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together.

Lisa:
I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart.

Bart:
We're all gonna die, Lis.

Lisa:
I meant soon.

Bart:
So did I.

[Mr. Black announces Krusty the Klown]

Bart:
[half-crazed] See? I told you Krusty would come! Ha-ha! He's gonna bring us food, and water, and smite our enemies!

Bart:
That's Not Krusty the Klown!

Mr. Black:
What do you think, I just slapped a clown suit on some wino?

[laughs weakly]

Barney Gumble:
Yeah Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown!

[belches]

[while the kids at Kamp Krusty are starved and tormented, the counsellors sit down to a sumptuous meal]

Jimbo Jones:
Yo, Mr. Black! Another brandy.

Mr. Black:
Gentlemen, to evil.

Krusty the Clown:
Kamp Krusty is built on an ancient Indian burial ground. We've got archery, wallet-making, the whole megillah! And for all you fat kids, my exclusive program of diet and ridicule will really get results!

Mr. Prince:
We'll see you when you get back from image enhancement camp.

Martin Prince:
Spare me your euphemisms! It's fat camp, for Daddy's chubby little secret!

Mr. Prince:
You promised you wouldn't make a scene.

[as the campers begin rioting]

Mr. Black:
I thought you said you broke their spirits!

Jimbo Jones:
[in rising fear] We did!

Mr. Black:
[slapping Jimbo across the face] You broke *nothing*!

Bart:
Let's get 'em!

Mr. Black:
To the hydrofoil!

Bart:
This camp was a nightmare. They fed us gruel, forced us to make wallets for export and one of the campers was eaten by a bear!

Krusty the Clown:
Oh, my god!

Bart:
Actually, the bear just ate his hat.

Krusty the Clown:
Was it a nice hat?

Bart:
Oh yeah.

Krusty the Clown:
Oh, my god!

Bart:
All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from those Krusty Brand vitamins, my Krusty calculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions, but this time he's gone too far! We want Krusty!

Campers:
We want Krusty! We want Krusty!

Barney Gumble:
Yeah, we want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!

Moe Szyslak:
Don't you dumb dames know that all figure skaters are twinkly in the lutz?

Elvis Stojko:
That is such a misconception. For your information, I have a girlfriend in Vancouver.

Moe Szyslak:
Fake girlfriend, fake city.

Grampa:
Can I stay home too?

Homer Simpson:
You are going back to the home. I called a cab for you.

Grampa:
But I haven't given you your presents.

Homer Simpson:
Your present is leaving. [Shoves Grampa outside and locks door]

Grampa:
I don't see any cab.

Homer Simpson:
Why haven't you thrown that bum out?

Marge Simpson:
Christian charity.

Homer Simpson:
Christian Charity? What does a porn star have to do with it?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, those legs seem to go on forever. Oh, wait. They stop right there.

Marge Simpson:
Gil's gone? But I have a "no" in me that needs to get out.

Homer Simpson:
Anyone want a thousand dollar bill?

Marge Simpson:
NO!... I mean, yes.

Homer Simpson:
Too late! [burns bill] Don't worry. I make six of these a year.

Bart Simpson:
This money's from the Montana Militia. It isn't real.

Homer Simpson:
[threateningly] It'll be real soon enough.

Homer Simpson:
[representing himself at trial] Drunken hicks of the jury...

Marge Simpson:
My goodness, what a lovely suit, sheriff. Is that seersucker?

Officer:
Nah, not on a civil servant's salary. It's nearsucker.

Marge Simpson:
Well, the fabric really brings out the red in your neck.

Officer:
Yup, it's coming along, huh? You should see it in August after the horseflies been gettin' at it. Hoo, man!

Marge Simpson:
Dang, I wish I could, but in August, our chain gang has to dig for tar.

Officer:
Well now, [chuckles] I might could switch you to dead animal pickup.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you'll kill us all!

Homer Simpson:
Or die trying!

[in the car on the way to Florida]

Lisa:
Mom, Bart's sitting next to me.

Bart:
Mom, Lisa's growing.

Marge:
Quiet, you two. You know your father's just had a breakdown.

Homer:
My pockets hurt.

Lisa:
You can't drive, dad. He's got your license.

Homer Simpson:
Well, I'm gonna try anyway. [starts the car] It worked! It's a miracle!

Velma:
You took the signs out of the window? That's pretty presumptuous. How do you know I'm going to hire you?

Bart Simpson:
Sorry, I just want to be a broom-boy so bad.

Velma:
I like your attitude. You're hired. [to Lisa] How about you, missy? You wanna be a mop girl?

Lisa:
Not really no.

Velma:
I like your honesty. You're hired. [to Marge and Homer] And you two haven't said a word. I like that. you're hired.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, it's so cozy.

Velma:
You're insincere. I like that.

Velma:
Hey! You're stealing my trailer! I like that.

[Homer tries to call the nuclear power plant]

Woman on Phone:
The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod?

Smithers:
Homer Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7-G.

Homer Simpson:
[takes cap out of dryer and puts it on his head] Mmmmm... I CAN feel three types of softness.

Lisa Simpson:
[from upstairs] Dad, what are you doing down there?

Homer Simpson:
Washing my fat guy's hat, honey!

Jimbo Jones:
[about Homer] I hear that guy's ass has its own congressman!

Mr. Burns:
[Trying to get a 300-lb. Homer to do sit-ups to lose weight] One... one... one! Bah! I'll just pay for the blasted liposuction!

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo!

Lisa Simpson:
[Homer receives an award for using his fat body to block a toxic vent] I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day while a slimmer man would have fallen to his death.

Bart Simpson:
Yeah, and I think it's ironic that for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic gas...

Marge Simpson:
Bart!

Dr. Nick:
Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use pop tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon.

Bart:
You could brush your teeth with milkshakes.

Dr. Nick:
Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

[trying to get out of work]

Homer:
Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this?

Carl:
He's at home on disability.

Lenny:
Yeah, he got injured on the job and they just sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that rewards stupidity.

Homer:
Stupidity, eh?

Ralph Wiggum:
[to Lisa] I heard your dad went into a restuarant and ate on the food in the restuarant and they had to close the restuarant.

Mr. Burns:
Not now. There's enough time for the frozen pudding wagon later.

Man:
[looking at the roof of the ice cream truck after it flipped over] I can't choose without the pictures.

Homer:
Hello there, Miss Doesn't-find-me-sexually-attractive-anymore. I just tripled my productivity.

Marge:
Good, good for you.

Homer:
[pushing 'Y' on the computer] Y Y Y Y Y Y Y...

[Homer arrives at a movie theater]

Homer Simpson:
One for "Honk", please.

Ticket Dealer:
Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager.

Ticket Dealer:
[to manager, referring to Homer] That overweight guy wants to see the movie.

Manager:
I'm terribly sorry, sir, but I'm afraid our facilities are not equipped to meet your needs.

Homer Simpson:
What are you talking about?

Manager:
What I'm saying, sir, is that a man of your carriage couldn't possibly fit in our seats.

Homer Simpson:
I can sit in the aisle.

Manager:
I'm afraid that would violate the fire code.

Bystander:
Hey, Fatty! I've got a movie for ya: A Fridge Too Far!

[the rapidly-assembling crowd laughs]

Homer Simpson:
Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here tosee Honk If You're Horny in peace.

Manager:
Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn.

Homer Simpson:
This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.

[after leaving his home workstation to go to the movies, Homer comes back, energized]

Homer Simpson:
I'll prove to them that I'm not lazy and irresponsible!

[he looks at the screen, which is beeping urgently, and reads "Core Meltdown Imminent"]

Homer Simpson:
[scared] Marge? Lisa? [reluctantly] Flanders?

[Homer is walking down the street, hitchhiking with a sign that says "Give me a ride or everybody dies"]

Homer Simpson:
[a car approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! Because there could be some poison gas, I... I mean there's really going to be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, especially me!

Homer Simpson:
[the driver takes off] D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
[an ice cream truck approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car...

Ice Cream Truck Driver:
[frightened] Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

Mr. Burns:
[leading the employee calisthenics program] Raise your left hock! Aerate! Raise your right hock! Aerate! Let's go! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts, and less Franklin Roosevelts!

Homer Simpson:
[at his computer workstation] "To start, press any key." Where's the "Any" key?

Bart Simpson:
When I grow up, I'm gonna be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad.

[dissolve to Bart's fantasy]

Bart Simpson:
I wash myself with a rag on a stick.

[first lines]

[Smithers raps on the men's room door at the power plant]

Smithers:
Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!

[no answer; Smithers motions to two goons, who break the door down; the bathroom is apparently empty, but Smithers looks carefully, and points to a stall]

Smithers:
Hmm... that one.

[the goons kick open the stall, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl]

Homer Simpson:
Someone's in here!

[as the goons drag him out]

Homer Simpson:
NO! NOOOOOO! AH! NO! OH, FOR THE LOVE OF...! NOOOOO!

Smithers:
Boy, I never saw a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.

[Homer's computer is flashing the words "explosion imminent"]

Homer Simpson:
"Explosion imminent?"

[scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented]

Homer Simpson:
Oh my God! The plant's gonna explode!

[at the nuclear power plant, where Lenny and Carl are walking past the rumbling tank]

Carl:
Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo.

Lenny:
Who cares? It's Homer's problem.

Homer Simpson:
Wait, I know: [types] vent gas. [reads screen] "Pressure too high?" "Tank must be shut down manually?" [to drinking bird] Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge! [he briefly yanks it] Oh, who am I kidding? This is all my fault!

[Homer is about to leave his house to save the nuclear power plant]

Homer Simpson:
Fat don't fail me now!

Homer Simpson:
[he hops in his car, but the tires get popped] D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
[tries to use a skateboard, but it's broken in half] Oh.

Operator:
[Homer tries to dial the phone] The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand please mash the key pad with your palm now.

Bart:
For Once, Dad's ass prevented the release of toxic gas!

Sherpa #1:
[subtitled] I foresaw your death last night.

Sherpa #2:
[subtitled] Stop saying that.

Sherpa #1:
[subtitled] He shouldn't kick us.

Sherpa #2:
[subtitled] His toes will fall off soon.

Sherpa #1:
Brad and Neil were quite insistent you not die.

Sherpa #2:
Frankly we don't care.

Homer Simpson:
I'm going to climb this entire mountain on my own!

Sherpa #1:
Then technically, shouldn't you go back down and start all over?

Ranier Wolfcastle:
Mcbain to base, under attack by commie-nazis.

[In a movie, Rainier Wolfcastle breaks someone's neck]

Marge Simpson:
That's what I call Break-Neck Speed.

Bart Simpson:
Mom, a man just died.

[Marge groans in embarrassment]

Homer:
[reading a sign saying 'Gym'] A gime?

[mispronouncing gym]

Homer:
what's a gime?

Homer:
[upon entering gym] Ooooh! A *Gime*

[Ned is asked to join in a game]

Ned Flanders:
Sports on a Sunday? I'd better talk it over with Reverend Lovejo...

Reverned Lovejoy:
Just play the damn game, Ned

[in gym]

Homer:
Just think, two months ago I didn't know what dumb-bell meant.

[Richard Dean Anderson has been kidnapped by Patty and Selma]

Richard Dean Anderson:
You can't do this! People will know I'm missing. There's a liquor store I go to *every* morning!

[Homer is debarking from an airplane in India]

Homer Simpson:
This is India? Where's the University of Notre Dame? Wrigley Field? Dodger Dogs?

Indian woman:
You stupid American. You're confusing India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois and the Cubs with the Dodgers.

Krusty the Clown:
Hand over all your money in a paper bag!

Apu:
Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

Bart:
I know Krusty's innocent, and I think I can prove it. But I need your help.

Lisa:
You do? Why?

Bart:
Oh, come on, you know why.

Lisa:
No, why?

Bart:
I'll never forgive you for making me say this, but... you're smarter than me.

Krusty the Clown:
Hey, kids. Who do you love?

Kids:
Krusty.

Krusty the Clown:
How much do you love me?

Kids:
With all our hearts.

Krusty the Clown:
What would you do if I went off the air?

Kids:
We'd kill ourselves.

Bart:
Attention, fellow children! Krusty didn't commit that robbery! Sideshow Bob framed him! And I have proof!

[He grabs a comedy mallet and brings it down hard on the end of Bob's clown shoe]

Sideshow Bob:
OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!

[He hops around, clutching his foot. The children recognize the voice and words of the armed robber from the surveillance video, and gasp]

Bart:
Krusty wore big, floppy shoes, but he's got little feet like all good-hearted people.

[He slams the mallet down on Bob's other foot, and Bob yells and falls down. Bart pulls off his shoe]

Bart:
But Sideshow Bob really filled his shoes with big, ugly feet!

Judge Snyder:
Krusty the Clown, how do you plead?

Krusty the Clown:
I plead guilty, Your Honor.

[Sensation. Krusty's lawyer hurriedly whispers in his ear]

Krusty the Clown:
I mean, not guilty. Opening night jitters, Your Honor.

Homer Simpson:
[apologizing to Krusty] Krusty, I'm man enough to admit I was wrong, and I'm sorry I fingered you in court. I sincerely hope that the horrible stories I heard about what goes on in prison are exaggerated.

Sideshow Bob:
[carted away to jail] Treat kids like equals! They're people too! They're smarter than you think! They were smart enough to catch me!

Judge Snyder:
Can it be that the champion of child literacy can't even read himself?

Krusty the Clown:
[distraught] Is it a crime to be illiterate?

Attorney:
All right, all right. See this, Krusty?

[holds up an evidence label with a "B" on it]

Attorney:
This is a "B." And this is exhibit B.

[holds up betting slips]

Attorney:
Betting slips - obtained by this court indicating that you have lost substantial sums of money on sports gambling.

Krusty the Clown:
[nearly crying] Is it a crime to bet on sporting events?

Attorney:
Yes, it is!

Krusty the Clown:
[sheepishly] Oh.

Homer Simpson:
Mmm, chocolate. Oh, double-chocolate. New flavour, triple-chocolate! Mm!

[on the surveiilance tape durning the breaking news]

Homer Simpson:
The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have watch a slideshow starring my wife's sisters. As far as I call them, the Gruesome Twosome. [laughs]

Marge Simpson:
[Embarrassed] Oh Homer.

Patty Bouvier:
[infuriated along with Selma] So the truth comes out.

[Homer and Apu laugh at the name he calls his sisters-in-law. He tuns around to leave unaware that Krusty was behind him the whole time and steps on his foot incased clown shoe]

Krusty the Clown:
OW, MY FOOT, YOU LOUSY, STUPID, CLUMSY...!

Homer Simpson:
Sorry Pal. [Then he notices that Krusty is armed, screams in terror as he dives behind the chip stand to witness him robbing Apu at gun point]

Apu:
[Homer is cowering behind a stack of cans, having hidden away on seeing "Krusty's" gun] Please come out from hiding in my merchandise, the chance to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

Kent Brockman:
From his humble beginnings as a street mime in Tupelo, Mississippi, Krusty climbed to the top of a personal mini-empire, with dozens of endorsements, including his own line of pork products. This may have led to one of television's best-loved bloopers: Krusty's near-fatal on-air heart attack in 1986.

[clip plays]

Krusty the Clown:
Wasn't that a great Itchy and Scratchy cartoon, kids? Well, we've got another one coming right up. But first! I've got a hankerin' for some pork products! Mmmm... Look! Plump, succulent sausage. Honey-smoked bacon. And glistening, sizzling...

[Krusty gasps and moans, and slowly collapses, clutching his chest. All the children in the audience laugh]

Krusty the Clown:
Gah! I'm dying... I'm dying...

Kent Brockman:
[chuckles]

[Krusty is trying to talk Sideshow Mel into quitting his job a fast-food joint]

Krusty the Clown:
But you gotta come back, Mel! We're a team!

Sideshow Mel:
No, Krusty, you always treated me rather shabbily. On our last show, you poured liquid nitrogen down my pants, and cracked my buttocks with a hammer!

Krusty the Clown:
Ah, come on. You wanna spend your life hanging out with a bunch of dorky teenagers?

Squeaky Voiced Teen:
Here's your taco, Mister. Whoops. It fell in the fryer. I'll get it out. Ow! Ow! Ow-w-w! Ow-w-w!

Sideshow Mel:
Sorry Krusty, I like it here. Mr. Johansen treats me with dignity.

Mr Johannson:
Is this clown bothering you, Mel?

Sideshow Mel:
It's all right, Mr. Johansen, I'll handle it.

Squeaky Voiced Teen:
Here's your taco, sir.

Krusty the Clown:
I don't want it!

Squeaky Voiced Teen:
But this comes out of my salary! If I had a girlfriend, she'd kill me.

[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing on Krusty's show]

Krusty the Clown:
Now, boys, the network has a problem with some of your lyrics. Do you mind changing them for the show?

Anthony Kiedis:
Forget you, clown.

Chad Smith:
Yeah, our lyrics are like our children, man. No way.

Krusty the Clown:
Well, okay, but here where it says, "What I got you gotta get and put it in ya," how about just, "What I'd like is I'd like to hug and kiss ya."

Flea:
Wow. That's much better.

Arik Marshall:
Everyone can enjoy that.

[the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk into Moe's bar in their underwear]

Anthony Kiedis:
What's up, Moe.

Flea:
HEY MOE!

Moe Szyslak:
Hey! You guys can't come in here dressed like that!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
[In his underwear] Get with the time, Moe.

Chief Wiggum:
[In his underwear] Yeah, I say if it feels good, do it.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Alright.

[stretches Wiggum's underwear and snaps him with them - laughs histerically]

Chief Wiggum:
Don't snap my undies.

[the Red Hot Chili Peppers are performing at Moe's bar]

Bart:
Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers, do you want to appear on a Krusty comeback special?

Flea:
Sure, if you can get us outta this gig.

Bart:
No problemo.

[Bart points to the wall behind Moe]

Bart:
Hey Moe, look over there.

Moe:
What? What am I looking at?

[Bart and the Red Hot Chili Peppers walk out the door]

Moe:
I'm gonna stop looking here in a second. What, is *that* it?

[Homer walks into the bar]

Homer:
Hey Moe, can I look too?

Moe:
Sure, but it'll cost ya.

Homer:
My wallet's in the car.

[He runs outside]

Moe:
He is so stupid. And now, back to the wall...

Anthony Kiedis:
You told our agent this place holds 30,000 people.

Moe:
It does. We had 30,000 here last night. Now play. The audience is getting restless.

Barney:
[flicking a lighter] We want chilly-willy. We want chilly-willy.

Krusty the Clown:
If this is anyone but Steve Allen, you're stealing my bit.

Krusty the Clown:
Hey that dummy can't hurt you! He's not even alive, he's dead!

Krusty the Clown:
I don't how to thank you kids.

Bart:
That's okay, Krusty.

Lisa Simpson:
We're getting fifty percent of the t-shirt sales.

Krusty the Clown:
WHAT? That's the sweetest plum! You little...!

[calms down]

Krusty the Clown:
Ah, what the hell, you deserve it. Thanks, kids.

Krusty the Clown:
Now, Johnny, what you got for us? Some jokes? A little magic?

Johnny Carson:
Actually, I thought I'd lift this 1987 Buick Skylark over my head.

[does so]

Krusty the Clown:
Hi-yo! Johnny, that's amazing!

Johnny Carson:
Oh, yeah? Get a load of this.

[He juggles the car over his head, while singing opera]

Krusty the Clown:
Here's a feature never before seen on TV - dumb pet tricks. Catch the rubber ball, Fifi.

[the dog goes for Krusty's nose]

Krusty the Clown:
AH. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT. SOMEBODY SHOOT IT.

Gabbo:
And now it's time for another patented Gabbo crank call! Oh, I love these!

Bart:
I can't believe it! He stole this bit from Krusty!

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah, well, Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.

Grandpa Simpson:
Oh, everything's stolen nowadays. Why, the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

Bart:
[the TV flashes and yells the name Gabbo three times] Did you see that?

Homer:
Yeah

Bart:
What was it?

Homer:
I reckon it's some guy's name. Some guy named Gabbo.

Homer:
Marge, please, old people don't need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.

Marge:
Homer, would you please stop reading that Ross Perot pamphlet?

[Mr. Burns is waiting in the Simpsons' living room to pick up Mrs. Bouvier for their date]

Bart Simpson:
Hi. You know, my grandma really likes it when her boyfriends are nice to me. She especially likes it when they give me money.

Montgomery Burns:
Run along, Peewee. Baby gets nothing.

Bart Simpson:
Very well. You leave me no choice.

[raises a water pistol]

Bart Simpson:
This gun is filled with ketchup.

[raises a second]

Bart Simpson:
This one with mustard. Now give me 350 bucks or you're gonna be a mess for your date!

Montgomery Burns:
[stands] You don't have the guts!

Homer Simpson:
Okay, boy. This is where all the hard work, sacrifice, and painful scaldings pay off.

Employee:
Four pounds of grease... that comes to... sixty-three cents.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo!

Bart Simpson:
Dad, all that bacon cost twenty-seven dollars.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, but your mom paid for that!

Bart Simpson:
But doesn't she get her money from you?

Homer Simpson:
And I get my money from grease! What's the problem?

Homer Simpson:
Stop pummeling me, it's really painful!

Groundskeeper Willie:
Fine... I'll strangle ye for a while!

Marge:
Homer! That side of bacon was for my bridge game tonight!

Homer:
Marge, if you don't mind, I'm a little busy right now achieving financial independence.

Marge:
With cans of grease?

Homer:
[sarcastically] No! Through savings and wise investment. Of course with grease.

Alex Whitney:
Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!

Lisa Simpson:
Did she just tell me to shut up?

Principal Skinner:
Take it outside.

Principal Skinner:
[over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore. [Lisa raises her hand] Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa

Nelson Muntz:
[talking to a group of kids] The thing about huckleberries is, once you've had fresh, you'll never go back to canned. [Skinner walks by] Uh, um... uh, so anyway, I kicked the guy's ass! [Skinner nods and walks off] Now, if the berries are too tart, I just dust them with confectioner's sugar.

Homer Simpson:
All right, son. We're about to embark on our most difficult mission. Let's bow our heads in prayer. Dear Lord, I know you're busy, seeing as how you can watch women changing clothes and stuff. But if you help us steal this grease tonight, I promise we'll donate half the profits to charity.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, He's not stupid.

Homer Simpson:
All right, screw it, let's roll!

Principal Skinner:
Oh, Lisa, I was hoping I could count on you again to spearhead our annual school-wide apple pick.

Lisa Simpson:
Absolutely.

Alex Whitney:
Apple... pick?

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah, it's great! We have pony rides, sing-a-longs, apple bobbing, apple picking, apple everything!

Principal Skinner:
Ah, you forgot apple bobbing.

Lisa Simpson:
No, I didn't!

Principal Skinner:
[over the intercom] Attention please, I need a volunteer for a thankless chore.

[Lisa raises her hand]

Principal Skinner:
Shall I assume the only hand in the air is Lisa Simpson? Thank you, Lisa.

Janey:
Didn't your old school have apple picks?

Alex Whitney:
No, we weren't big on fruit. We more into, like, dances. You know, things that are fun.

Groundskeeper Willie:
[indicating his fists] If it was up to me, I'd let you go; but the boys have a temper, and they've been drinking all day.

[Marge discovers her new breasts]

Marge:
[outraged] You've turned my maguppies into bazongas!

[Marge accidentally gets breast implants]

Marge:
You can't call breast implants a minor misunderstanding!

Dr. Velimirovic:
Look, Mrs. Simpson, if you want, you can come back in 48 hours, and I'll remove them.

Marge:
You better! If not, my husband's gonna come back here, and do some malpractice on your face!

Dr. Velimirovic:
Oh, yes, your husband.

[sarcastically]

Dr. Velimirovic:
I'm *sure* he'll be furious.

Drederick Tatum:
I have been paid millions to endorse these butt-ugly shoes.

Mr. Burns:
We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract.

Homer:
[thinking] Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me?

Mr. Burns:
And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours.

Homer:
[thinking] Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me?

Mr. Burns:
I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm?

Homer:
[thinking] My God! He IS coming onto me!

Mr. Burns:
After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckle] [wink]

Homer:
[thinking] Aaaaaagh!

Homer:
[aloud] Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

Mr. Burns:
Who is that firebrand, Smithers?

Smithers:
That's Homer Simpson.

Mr. Burns:
Simpson, eh? New man?

Smithers:
He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude...

Mr. Burns:
Doesn't ring a bell.

[Mr. Burns is reminiscing about his grandfather's old Atom Smashing Plant]

Burns' Grandfather:
Come on, men! Smash those atoms! You there, turn out your pockets.

[Two goons seize a waifish worker and turn out his pockets]

Burns' Grandfather:
Aha - atoms! One, two, three, four... SIX of them! Take him away!

Waif:
You can't treat the working man this way! One of these days we'll form a union, and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and become corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!

Burns' Grandfather:
The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Ha ha! Bosh! Flimshaw!

Mr. Burns:
Oh, if only we'd listened to that young man, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

Kent Brockman:
Now, Mr. Burns, you said you wanted an opening tirade.

Mr. Burns:
Yes, thank you, Kent. Fifteen minutes from now, I will wreak a terrible vengeance on this city. No one will be spared. NO ONE.

Kent Brockman:
[chuckles] A chilling portrait of things to come.

Mr. Burns:
This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon, they'll have finished the greatest novel known to man.

[reads a page]

Mr. Burns:
All right, let's see... "It was the best of times, it was the BLURST of times?" You stupid monkey.

Mr. Burns:
Now, let's get down to business.

Homer:
[thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?

Mr. Burns:
Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a 'whiz' to know that you're looking out for 'Number One'. Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon.

Dr. Wolff:
Lisa, Marge, these braces are invisible, painless, and periodically release a delightful burst of Calvin Klein's "Obsession For Teeth."

Marge:
Doctor, we don't have a dental plan right now, so we need something a little more... affordable.

Dr. Wolff:
These pre-date stainless steel, so you can't get them wet.

[Homer is elected union kingpin]

Homer:
So what does this job pay?

Lenny:
Nothing.

Homer:
D'oh!

Lenny:
Unless you're crooked.

Homer:
WOOHOO!

Homer:
[thinks] Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?

Mr. Burns:
Now Homer, I know what you're thinking, and I want to take the pressure off. It doesn't take a whiz to see that you're looking out for Number One.

[as he speaks, there is a leaky pipe dripping in the background, and Smithers pours him coffee from a pot with a long spout]

Mr. Burns:
Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon!

[He gestures, knocking his coffee cup and causing some to spill into the saucer]

Homer:
Oh, which way to the bathroom?

Grampa:
We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. "Gimme five bees for a quarter," you'd say. Now where were we... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion on my belt, which was the style at the time. I didn't have any white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Lisa:
This is your chance to get a fair shake for the working man.

Homer:
And make life-long connections to the world of organized crime. Mmm... organized crime.

Lisa:
[singing] So we'll march day and night by the big cooling tower. They have the plant, but we have the power.

Carl:
Welcome, brothers of Local 643. As you know, our president, Chuckie Fitzhugh, ain't been seen lately. We're all prayin' he'll turn up soon, alive and well. [everyone laughs] All right, all right. But seriously, we have to vote on Burns' new contract. It's basically the same deal, except we get a free keg of beer for our meetings. [everyone cheers] In exchange for that, we have to give up our dental plan.

[Everyone cheers and rushes over to the beer keg. Lenny pours a beer]

Lenny:
So long, Dental Plan!

[Lenny's and Marge's words keep repeating in Homer's head]

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

[Charlie drops a pencil into Homer's butt crack]

Carl:
Bullseye!

Homer:
Thanks a lot, Carl. Now I've lost my train of thought.

[back to Homer's mind]

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

Lenny:
Dental Plan!

Marge:
Lisa needs braces.

Homer:
[finally realizing] If we give up our dental plan... I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!

[doorbell rings]

Homer:
Who is it?

Male Voice:
Goons.

Homer:
Who?

Male Voice:
Hired goons.

Homer:
[opening door] Hired Goons?

[the goons grab Homer roughly and take him away. One steps back into the doorway and shakes his tie. They take him to Burns' Mansion]

Mr. Burns:
Ah, Homer. I hope "Crusher" and "Low Blow" didn't hurt you.

Homer:
Y'know, you could have just called me.

Mr. Burns:
Oh yes, but the telephone is so impersonal. I prefer the hands-on touch you only get with hired goons.

Homer:
Hired Goons?

[inspecting the students before photos]

Principal Skinner:
Pat down that cow-lick. Straighten that part! Uncross those eyes, mister.

Cross-Eyed Boy:
But I can't.

[Homer has a fudgesicle stuck to his back]

Homer:
Hey Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back?

Lenny:
All right, but this is the last time!

Homer:
And I got this scar sneaking under the door of a pay toilet.

Homer:
Which way to the bathroom?

Mr. Burns:
Twenty-third door on the left.

Homer:
[looking behind each door] Nope... nope... nope... nope

Mr. Burns:
Look at them all through the darkness I'm bringing! They're not sad at all, they're actually singing! They sing without juicers! They sing without blenders! They sing without flunjers, capdabblers, and smendlers!

Eduardo:
To win, we will need a very special dance. La Tango de la Muerte!

Lisabella:
Only one man has ever been foolish enough to attempt that dance, and he is dead!

Eduardo:
My twin brother, Freduardo. But where he died, I shall live - in his apartment.

[They dance La Tango de la Muerte and survive]

Eduardo:
You are now carrying my child.

Lisabella:
But how?

Eduardo:
It is the mystery of the dance.

Optometrist:
[Homer is trying on glasses] That pair's popular with celebrities like Val Kilmer...

Homer:
Ooh, my favorite Door.

Optometrist:
...and Yoko Ono.

Homer:
Eww, she ruined the Plastic Ono Band!

Optometrist:
Maybe you're a candidate for laser eye surgery.

Homer:
Will it get me out of having to choose glasses?

Optometrist:
Well, yes, but I must warn you it's an experimental procedure we still don't know the long-term effects...

Homer:
[pointing the laser at his eye] Less yappin', more zappin'!

Ned Flanders:
Pardon me, neighbourinos. Some of our boys are lost in your town. You wouldn't have happenned to see them, by any chance?

Shelbyvillian #1:
Sounds like Springfield's got a discipline problem.

Shelbyvillian #2:
Maybe that's why we beat them at football nearly half the time.

Bart Simpson:
Hey Milhouse, how's the lemonade business?

Milhouse:
It's clearly booming, Bart.

Lisa:
I don't even want any, I just bought a pity glass.

Milhouse:
Gasp! We've squozen our whole supply. To the lemon tree!

Bart Simpson:
Oh, it's no use I'm never gonna find that tree, this whole raid was a useless as that yellow lemon shaped rock over there. Wait a minute, there's a lemon behind that rock, the tree!

Homer:
That tree's been in Springfield since the time of our forefathers. Give it back or we'll bust in there and take it!

Shelby's Dad:
Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.

Homer:
Stupider like a fox!

Milhouse:
Step over this line and say that. I'll kick your butt... at Nintendo.

Marge:
How's Bart's tutoring going?

Lisa:
Mom, the only thing Bart's tutoring is guerilla warfare in Shelbyville.

Marge:
Come again?

Lisa:
Mom, Bart went with a bunch of kids to go wage war on Shelbyville.

Marge:
Homer, come quick. Bart quit his tutoring job and joined a violence gang!

Jebediah Springfield:
People, our search is over! On this site we shall build a new town where we can worship freely, govern justly, and grow vast fields of hemp for making rope and blankets.

Shelbyville Manhattan:
Yes! And marry our cousins.

Jebediah Springfield:
I was- wha... what are you talking about, Shelbyville? Why would we want to marry our cousins?

Shelbyville Manhattan:
Because they're so attractive. I... I thought that was the whole point of this journey.

Jebediah Springfield:
Absolutely not!

Shelbyville Manhattan:
I tell you, I won't live in a town that robs men of the right to marry their cousins!

Bart:
Eat my shorts, Shelbyville!

Homer, Bart:
Eat my shorts!

Ned Flanders:
Yes, eat all of our shirts!

Shelbyville Grampa:
And with that, a mighty cheer went up from the heroes of Shelbyville. They had banished the awful lemon tree forever, because it was haunted. Now let's all celebrate with a cool glass of turnip juice.

Marge:
This town is a part of who you are! This is a Springfield Isotopes Cap... when you wear it, you're wearing Springfield! When you eat a fish from our river, you're eating Springfield! When you make lemonade from our trees, you're drinking Springfield!

Bart Simpson:
Mom, when you give that lecture, you're boring Springfield.

Homer Simpson:
Finally a movie about a dystopian future, unlike The Hunger Games, Edge of Tomorrow, Oblivion, Elysium, Snowpiercer, The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, X-Men: Days of Future Past, Ender's Game, The Road, World War Z, Children of Men, After Earth, I Am Legend, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Maze Runner, District 9, The Purge, Looper, Cloud Atlas, Divergent, Insurgent, The Island, Mr. Burns: A Post-Electric Play, and Chappie.

Lenny:
Hey, Homer? What do I tell the boss?

Homer:
Tell him I'm going to the back seat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for ten minutes.

Jacques:
[on brunch] It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of canteloupe at the end. You don't get completely what you would at breakfast, but you get a good meal.

Jacques:
Let it out, Marge. Laugh loud. Laugh out loud. You'll lose weight.

Jacques:
Mimosa?

Marge Simpson:
I'm a married woman. Please don't call me that.

Jacques:
[seeing the name "Homer" engraved on Marge's bowling ball] It is nice to meet you... Homer

Marge Simpson:
Oh, no no. Homer is my... uh... Ball's name. I'm Marge.

Jacques:
Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They are far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball.

Marge Simpson:
No, no thank you, Mr... uh... Brunswick [seeing the name on his ball]

Homer Simpson:
Mel Brooks is Jewish?

Krusty the Clown:
Papa, when I grow up, can I be a clown?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
No, a clown is not a respected member of the community.

Krusty the Clown:
But I want to make people laugh.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Herschel, life is not fun. Life is serious. Seltzer is for drinking, not for spraying. Pie is for noshing, not for throwing.

Krusty the Clown:
But Papa...

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
But nothing! You'll do as I say, or you'll get such a zetz that you won't even know what hit you!

Man Seeking Advice #1:
Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Yes. No one is poor except he who lacks knowledge.

Mother:
Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Man Seeking Advice #2:
Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Man Seeking Advice #2:
Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Oh, yes. For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

Bart:
We came to talk to you about your son.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
I have no son!

[slams the door in their faces]

Bart:
Oh, great. We came all this way and it's the wrong guy.

[opens the door]

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
I didn't mean that literally.

Lisa:
We've been going about this all wrong, Bart. What's the one thing Rabbis prize above everything else?

Bart:
Those stupid hats?

Lisa:
No, Bart, knowledge. We're gonna hit him where it hurts. Right in the Judaica.

Bart:
Oy, this guy's tough.

[Bart and Lisa are trying to help Krusty get back with his father]

Lisa:
This is it, Bart. It's a longshot, but it's the most I can do without learning ancient Hebrew.

[Bart looks at her expectantly]

Lisa:
Bart, I am *not* learning ancient Hebrew!

Lisa:
A man who envies our family is a man who needs help.

Krusty:
My father was a rabbi. His father was a rabbi. His father's fath... well, you get the idea.

Homer Simpson:
[after hearing Krusty pray in Hebrew] He's talking funny talk.

[confronted by Bart during a circumcision]

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Sorry, my friend. I'm still not convinced. And this is hardly the time or place to discuss it!

Homer:
Boy, you don't have to follow in my footsteps.

Bart:
Don't worry, I don't even like using the bathroom after you.

Homer:
Why you little...

Bart:
Dear Krusty, this is Bart Simpson, Krusty Buddy #16302 , respectfully returning his badge. I always suspected that nothing in life mattered. Now I know for sure. Get bent. Bart Simpson.

[Bart is sitting in a sauna with a group of rabbis in towels]

Bart:
"At all times let a man be supple as a reed, and not rigid as a cedar."

[the other rabbis murmur approvingly]

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
But, my short, learned friend, the Book of Joshua says, "Ye shall meditate on the Torah all day and all night."

[the other rabbis murmur approvingly again]

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
You I told to go away!

Bart:
But-but-but-but Rabbi! Is it not written in the Babylonian Talmud, and I quote, "a child should be pushed aside with the left hand, and drawn closer with the right"?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Yes...

Bart:
Then doesn't your religion command you to make up with Krusty?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
But in Exodus, the Fifth Commandment says, "Honor thy father and thy mother." End of story.

[Bart appears at a meeting of rabbis, dressed in a miniature rabbi's costume]

Bart:
Speaking of charity, Rabbi Krustofsky, don't you think it's time you forgave your son?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Don't you understand that my boy broke my heart? He turned his back on our faith, and our traditions, and on me! Get out of here, you little pisher!

[after being dressed in a miniature rabbi's costume]

Bart:
Yiddle, my man, you're a genius.

Yiddle:
I love my work.

Moe Szyslak:
[tearing up while watching Krusty and his father sing on TV] I've got something in my eye.

Barney Gumble:
[offering filthy handkerchief] Here, take my hanky.

Moe Szyslak:
[taking it and jumping back in shock, seeing its condition] Euueeh!

Bart:
[Yawns] Rabbi, did not a great man say, and I quote 'The Jews are a swinging bunch of people. I mean, I've heard of persecution, but what they went through is ridiculous. But the great thing is, after thousands of years of waiting and holding on and fighting, they finally made it.' End quote.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Oh, I never heard the plight of my people phrased so eloquently. Who said that? Rabbi Hillel?

Bart:
No.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
It was Judah the Pious?

Bart:
No.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Maimonides?

Bart:
No.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
Oh, I got it! The Dead Sea Scrolls!

Bart:
I'm afraid not, Rabbi. It's from Yes, I Can, by Sammy Davis Jr. An entertainer, like your son.

Rabbi Hyman Krustofski:
[Gasps] The Candy Man? If a performer could think that way, maybe I'm completely upside down on this whole problem. Oh, all the years of joy that I've lost! Why? Because of my stubborn ways... [Begins to cry]

Lisa:
There there, Rabbi. It's not too late.

Principal Skinner:
I've just received some rather unusual news regarding your unprecedented A-triple-plus. To be honest, I'm surprised and saddened. Eh, no, not saddened. What's the word? Ah, yes, delighted!

Lisa Simpson:
What?

Principal Skinner:
I'm delighted to report that your grade brought the entire school's GPA up to our state's minimum standard. We now qualify for a basic assistance grant. It's the greatest honor the school has ever received, and it's all thanks to you. Your devotion to scholarship is a shining beacon to all who...

Lisa Simpson:
Stop it! I cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Cheated! Chated! Cheated!

Principal Skinner:
Lisa, what are you trying to say?

Lisa Simpson:
I cheated!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, honey, I'm so proud of you. You got the highest grade in the class!

Lisa Simpson:
But, Mom...

Marge Simpson:
The highest grade!

State Comptroller Atkins:
This grant ensures a light bulb in every classroom, and a high-definition TV for the teachers lounge.

Ralph:
Hi Lisa! Hi Super Nintendo Chalmers! I'm learnding!

Bart Simpson:
Without award shows, how would we know what movie has the best beheading, of that Glee is a comedy?

Lady Gaga:
Where's the dress I wore for the Pope?

Assistant:
[Holds up a skimpy outfit made of leather straps and crosses] I saw Jennifer Lopez wear it last week.

Lady Gaga:
Burn it! Burn it now!

Homer Simpson:
Let's go see Lady Gaga. Maybe that will turn that frown upside-down.

Lisa Simpson:
It's not a frown, it's a straight line of resignation. It's the same upside-down as right-side-up.

Lady Gaga:
Listen up, Lisa. This pity party is being shut down by the smile police.

Lisa Simpson:
This isn't about me, this is all about you! "Hello! Hello, Springfield! Look at me and my purple hair!" Well, I denounce thee!

Lady Gaga:
Wha?

Lisa Simpson:
I denounce thee for giving people false expectations they can never fulfill! I denounce thee for making people think social acceptance and walking in heels is easy!

Lady Gaga carrier:
Can we kill the kid?

Lisa Simpson:
I denounce thee! I denounce thee! I denounce thee!

Lady Gaga:
Whoa! Easy there, little monster.

Lisa Simpson:
Don't monster me!

Lady Gaga:
Okay, Lisa. [Leaves crying]

Lisa Simpson:
Are you crying glitter?

Lady Gaga:
Tiny diamonds. Hurts like hell.

Lady Gaga:
Now you only have one thing to do to become a little monster.

Lisa Simpson:
I'll do anything! But no singing.

Lady Gaga:
You gotta sing!

Lisa Simpson:
[Walking down the hall at school] Ugh. What's the point of getting rid of all the distractions at home if I have to do my learning here?

[Walks into the library and opens a book, smiling because it's quiet]

Groundskeeper Willie:
[Walks into the library, running a loudly whirring floor waxer. Sings] Oh, I'll wax the upstairs and I'll wax the downstairs, and I'll get drunk in the library!

Lisa Simpson:
[Annoyed] Willie! Do you have to wax this floor now?

Groundskeeper Willie:
[Turns off waxer. Apologetically] No, no. I can come back later.

[Turns around to leave and slips on the waxed floor, landing with a loud crunch. He screams in pain]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Aaah!

Lisa Simpson:
[Concerned] Oh! Should I get the nurse?

Groundskeeper Willie:
Nay, just keep studyin'. I'll scream this out.

[Writhing on the floor]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Aaah! Oy! Aaaahh!

Lisa Simpson:
[Frustrated] Ugh!

[Lisa covers her ears]

Homer Simpson:
No child of mine shall go without anything, except quality health care!

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, I didn't know you won the science fair.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, that's ancient history. Ooh, my paper on ancient history!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, can I ask you something?

Homer Simpson:
Sure. What's troubling you, my son... I mean, my girl son?

Lisa Simpson:
O Lord Buddha, I know I shouldn't ask for anything, but come on!

Bart Simpson:
A boy is beating me up at school.

Marge Simpson:
Is it Milhouse?

Bart Simpson:
Milhouse couldn't beat anybody up.

Marge Simpson:
Are you sure? He's been going through a growth spurt.

Bart Simpson:
It's not Milhouse! It's Nelson.

Marge Simpson:
Nelson? I never thought of him as the bully type. Well, if a bully picks on you and Milhouse isn't there to protect you, the best way to deal with him is make him feel good.

Bart Simpson:
How do I do that?

Marge Simpson:
You could say something nice about him. Try complimenting his glasses.

Bart Simpson:
It's not Milhouse!

[Lisa is playing goalie for a minor hockey team]

Lisa:
Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way. Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face. Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard. Hack the bone. Hack the bone.

Homer:
Wow. Eye of the tiger, mouth of a Teamster.

[At the hockey match]

Homer:
Okay Marge, its your child against my child. The winner will be showered with praise. The loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

Lisa:
Bart! What are you doing in my room?

Bart Simpson:
Lisa, certain differences - rivalries, if you will - have arisen between us. At first I thought that we could talk it out, like grown-ups. But instead, I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny!

Lisa:
[confused] Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy.

Bart Simpson:
AH! Mr. Honeybunny!

[pushes the head back on, and kisses it]

Lisa:
Bart, just get out of here.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, you get out out. It's a free country.

Lisa:
That doesn't make any sense.

Bart Simpson:
I know you are, but what am I?

Lisa:
Get out, get out!

Bart Simpson:
All right. But on my way, I'm going to be doing this...

[windmills his arms]

Bart Simpson:
If you get hit, it's your own fault.

Lisa:
Okay, then I'm going to start kicking air, like this...

[kicks up her foot]

Lisa:
And if any part of you should fill that air...

[kicks up her other foot]

Lisa:
It's *your* own fault.

[They shut their eyes and move toward each other, grunting as they flail or kick. Cut to downstairs in the kitchen, where Marge and Homer are. Their grunts soon turn to yells of pain, and sounds of fighting]

[Marge hears Bart and Lisa fighting upstairs]

Marge Simpson:
Oh, I'd better go check on them. Now, Homer, don't you eat this pie.

Homer:
All right, Marge.

[Marge exits]

Homer:
All right, pie. I'm going to start doing this...

[makes chomping motion]

Homer:
-and if you get eaten, it's your own fault.

[He shuts his eyes, and moves toward the pie, making chomping motions, but hits his head on the stove hood]

Homer:
OW! AH! Oh, my... oh, to hell with it.

[eats pie]

[Before the big hockey game]

Bart Simpson:
Good luck, Lis. I'll try not to *hurt* you.

Lisa:
That's okay, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's *head.*

[reveals it on a string around her neck]

Bart Simpson:
[gasp] Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster!

Lisa:
You want a piece of me?

[They start fighting, Apu pulls them apart]

Apu:
Hey, hey! Save this precious hatred for the game!

[Milhouse is quaking in the goalie position]

Milhouse Van Houten:
I could have been equipment manager, but nooooo!

Edna Krabappel:
All right, children, it's book report time. We'll go in alphabetical order. Today will be A-M.

Bart Simpson:
Saved! I love being a S-S-S-S-Simpson!

Edna Krabappel:
Let's see, we have no A's. So we'll go right to the B's. Bart?

Bart Simpson:
Huh?

Edna Krabappel:
Ha!

Principal Skinner:
Attention, students, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the principal's office. Report immediately for an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium.

[to himself]

Principal Skinner:
Damn it, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

Principal Skinner:
First academic alert: Wiggum, Ralph.

Ralph Wiggum:
I won! I won!

Principal Skinner:
No, no, Ralph, this means you're failing English.

Ralph Wiggum:
Me fail English? That's unpossible!

Homer:
Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such...

[Lisa has received an academic alert that she is failing gym class]

Marge:
Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder.

Homer:
Whew. That's all of 'em.

[puts stack of academic alerts in front of Bart]

Homer:
And I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son?

Bart:
Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates.

Homer:
Done and done.

Lisa:
That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out?

Homer:
[sitting back] Ah, the mysteries of life.

Marge:
Kids can be so cruel.

Bart:
We can? Thanks, Mom.

Chief Wiggum:
[Bart's team has won the hockey game] YES! We won! We wo-o-o-n! Um, unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza.

Homer:
Can somebody pass the mustard? [Bart tries to pass the mustard to Homer, but Lisa blocks it]

Lisa:
You're going to have to do better than that tonight, chump.

Marge Simpson:
I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in my house!

Homer:
Now, boy, just have a good game, and if you lose, I'LL KILL YOU! [they all laugh, before Homer makes a threatening gesture, causing Bart to flinch]

Lisa:
[sobbing] I'm ugly, dad.

Homer:
No you're not. You're cute as a bug's ear.

Lisa:
Fathers have to say that.

Homer:
[as Grampa walks by] Dad, am I cute as a bug's ear?

Grampa:
No, you're homely as a mule's butt!

Homer:
[to Lisa] See?

Blue-Haired Lawyer:
Principal Skinner, "The Happiest Place on Earth" is a registered Disneyland copyright.

Principal Skinner:
Oh now, gentlemen, it's just a small school carnival.

Blue-Haired Lawyer:
And it's heading for a great big lawsuit. You made a big mistake, Skinner.

Principal Skinner:
Well, so did you. You got an ex-Green Beret mad.

[he finger-thrusts the first goon in the Adam's Apple, then kicks the lawyer in the chest; they both go down groaning; as the second goon runs away, Skinner picks up the lawyer's briefcase and flings it into the air; in the distance, it knocks down the goon]

Principal Skinner:
Copyright expired.

Bob Hope:
[Entertaining troops] Hi I'm Bob "what the hell am I doing in Springfield" Hope. Hey, this mayor Quimby, he's some golfer. His ball spends more time underwater than Greg Louganis.

Homer:
Hey, nobody's prettier than my little girl.

Marge:
You're looking at her through a father's eyes.

Homer:
Well if I could gouge out somebody else's eyes and shove them into my sockets, I would, but to me she's beautiful.

Marge:
That is so sweet.

Lisa:
Do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

Homer:
I dunno. Was I drunk?

Lisa:
Possibly.

Kent Brockman:
[on TV] Lisa Simpson is no longer Little Miss Springfield. She was stripped of her crown in a ceremony earlier today. [the TV shows footage of a goat being fed a bottle of milk] Well, that's obviously the wrong footage. Uh, but it does seem the father of deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "Do not write in this space", he wrote "Okay".

Homer:
[to Lisa] If it wasn't for me, you'd still be queen. You must hate me.

Lisa:
Dad, do you remember why you entered me in that pageant?

Homer:
I don't know. Was I drunk?

Lisa:
Possibly. But the point is, you wanted me to feel better about myself. And I do.

Homer:
Really?

Lisa:
Uh-huh.

Homer:
Will you remember this the next time I wreck your life?

Lisa:
It's a deal. [Lisa and Homer hug each other]

Kent Brockman:
And now, my exclusive interview with His Holiness, Pope John Paul II. [the goat footage plays again] That's it. I cannot work under these conditions. If anybody wants me, I'll be downstairs at McDougal's. Call the weekend guy, I don't care! [sound of Brockman slamming the door]

[as Bart demonstrates walking in heels]

Lisa:
Do you really think I can win?

Bart Simpson:
Hey, I'm starting to think I can win.

Lisa:
But those other girls are prettier than me!

Bart Simpson:
Lis, as your brother, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say... you're not ugly.

Lisa:
Oh, Bart!

[throws her arms around him]

[after Lisa loses the pageant, the family is watching the winner being crowned; it starts to rain]

Marge:
Oh, dear. It would be such a shame if that pretty dress got wet.

Lisa:
I'd say the bigger danger is her sceptre acting as a lightning rod. Unless it's made out of plastic.

[BOOM!]

Bart Simpson:
Nope, metal.

Bob Hope:
I want to show you what you're fighting for, if there was a war on.

Bart Simpson:
Why do we have to go to the rec center? I wanna play with my friends.

Homer Simpson:
When you're older, you'll miss going to these little activities.

Lisa Simpson:
Why aren't you going to these little activities?

Homer Simpson:
Uh, because no one can make me.

Lisa Simpson:
Excuse me, do you have any more paints? This orange doesn't quite match that orange.

Lisa Simpson:
Juliet's father is the utmost John Grisham scholar.

Juliet Hobbes:
He found several hidden plot lines in The Firm, and proved that the real villain in A Time To Kill is the justice system itself.

Homer Simpson:
Told ya, Marge. Told... Ya!

Marge Simpson:
Here's a few best friend tips. Always compliment her on her looks, and if a dog barks at you, don't make a big deal about it...

Homer Simpson:
A friendship is just like a marriage. The key is to listen. And if a dog barks at you, don't make a big deal about it.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I just said that!

Homer Simpson:
Whatever you say, honey. If it makes you feel any better, you said it.

Lisa Simpson:
You can't keep us apart. I'll disobey!

Marge Simpson:
I'm Bart Simpson's mother. You think you know any tricks I haven't seen? [after Marge leaves, Lisa sneaks out the window and climbs down the tree, but Marge is waiting beneath with a laundry basket] Bart Simpson, age 3. [after they leave, Bart comes out of a hidden door in the tree, wearing ninja clothes and holding a skateboard]

Bart Simpson:
Bart Simpson, age 10.

Juliet Hobbes:
Reality is only for people who can't imagine anything better.

Dr Hobbes:
Oh, Juliet, I'm afraid that this Josh Grobahn is becoming something of an embarrassing obsession! Now, lets listen to the Soundtrack of "The Pelican Brief". Ah, Track 3: Researching the Brief!

Juliet Hobbes:
[Flinching] I hate track 3! I hate it! [Runs out]

Lisa Simpson:
I'll get her. Juliet, are you alright?

Juliet Hobbes:
I am now. Do you see them? The Lords and Ladies of Equalia!

Lisa Simpson:
Juliet, you're scaring me just a little bit. Oh, I see them!

Homer Simpson:
Doctor, I hope you don't mind, but I have this growth on the back of my neck?

Dr Hobbes:
I'm... not that kind of Doctor.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I get it [grudgingly hands over ten bucks]

Dr Hobbes:
This is chewing gum.

Homer Simpson:
What a racket!

Giraffeapus:
Hello, I'm a Giraffeapus! I'm uncomfortable in water and on land!

Bart:
You know why these clothes are on sale, Mom? Because the kids who wear them get *beaten up*.

Marge:
Well, anyone who beats you up for wearing a shirt isn't your friend.

Homer:
Your mother has this crazy idea that gambling is wrong. Even though they say it's okay in the Bible.

Lisa:
Really? Where?

Homer:
Eh, somewhere in the back.

[Lisa flips through the card catalog]

Lisa:
Let's see... Football... Football..."Homoeroticism in"..."Oddball Canadian rules"..."Phyllis George and"...

[hardly anyone is in church on Super Bowl Sunday]

Rev. Lovejoy:
Well, I'm glad some people could resist the lures of the big game.

Man:
OH MY GOD, I FORGOT THE GAME!

[he runs out of church]

Ralph:
[giving report]... and when the Doctor told me I didn't have worms anymore, that was the happiest day of my life.

Miss Hoover:
Thank you, Ralph, very graphic.

Lisa:
Mom, why isn't Dad interested in anything I do?

Marge:
Well, have you ever tried doing something he's interested in?

Lisa:
Well, we used to have burping contests, but I outgrew it.

Man:
What you got riding on this game?

Homer:
My daughter.

Man:
What a gambler!

Homer:
[Moe gets Homer's gambling winnings from his boot] I used to hate the smell of your sweaty feet, Moe. Now, it's the smell of victory.

Moe Szyslak:
Oh, shut up.

[George Washington appears in Lisa's dream, urging her to reveal the truth about the town's founder. Lisa wakes up yelling]

Lisa:
I want to help you, George Washington.

Bart:
[walking by her room] "I want to help you... George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.

George Washington:
We had quitters during the Revolution too... we called them Kentuckians.

Hollis Hurlbut:
Now get out. You're banned from this historical society. You and your children, and your children's children... for three months.

Homer:
Dig him up. Dig up that corpse. If you really love Jebediah Springfield, you'll haul his bones out of the ground to prove my daughter wrong. Dig up his grave. Pull out his tongue.

Mayor Quimby:
Can't we have one meeting that doesn't end with us digging up a corpse?

Jebidiah Springfield:
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Embiggens? I never heard that word before moving to Spingfield.

Miss Hoover:
I don't know why, it's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer:
[deadly serious] I've got two questions. One: Where's the fife? Two: Give me the fife.

Ralph Wiggum:
Can you open my milk, Mommy?

Miss Hoover:
I'm not Mommy, Ralph. I'm Miss Hoover. [the class laugh at Ralph]

Mayor Quimby:
Congratulations Ned, you are our new town crier. May your shrill, nasal voice ring throughout our streets and brains.

Ned Flanders:
Thankily-dank, Mayor, I shan't disappoint. Har ye, har ye. I declare myself pinkled tink about Springfield's Bicen-cidilly-ti-ten-toodly-rin-tin-tennial Day.

Homer:
You suck-diddily-uck, Flanders. Gimme that.

[Grabs the bell from him]

Homer:
Hear ye. Hear ye. Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all. Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world.

Chief Wiggum:
Good God, he is fabulous.

Principal Skinner:
He's embiggened that role with that cromulent performance.

Betsy Ross:
[Interrupting the fight between Washington and Jebediah Springfield] I got the white stars you wanted but not the red hearts, yellow moons, and or green clovers.

George Washington:
Well... I'll use it. But I'm not *paying* for it!

Lisa Simpson:
[on TV] Hello, my name is Lisa Simpson.

[Marge gasps]

Lisa Simpson:
I'm supposed to talk to you about proposition 305.

Homer Simpson:
[bitter] Moochin' war widows!

Troy McClure:
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such other medical films as "Mommy, What's On That Man's Face?" and "Alice Doesn't Live Anymore".

Homer Simpson:
I rounded up every Simpson in the tri-city area so I can prove to you there's nothing wrong with the Simpson genes. This is your great uncle Chet. Go ahead, Chet, tell her what you do.

Great Uncle Chet:
I run an unsuccessful shrimp company.

Homer Simpson:
[nervously] Oh... but you *run* it, right?

Great Uncle Chet:
[smugly] Oh, yeah.

Homer Simpson:
Okay... uh, this is your second cousin, Stanley!

Cousin Stanley:
Um, I shoot birds at the airport.

Homer Simpson:
[More nervously] Everybody hates birds, right? [Homer frantically looks for a successful relative and spots a dapper man smoking a cigar.] You look pretty successful!

Simpson Relative 1:
Thanks! I play a millionaire at parties. [sighs defeatedly] At least, I'd like to.

Bart Simpson:
You probably should have researched this first, eh dad?

Homer Simpson:
What about you?

Simpson Relative 2:
Well, sir, I step in front of cars and sue the drivers.

Simpson Relative 3:
I beg celebrities for money!

Simpson Relative 4:
I'm a prison snitch.

Simpson Relative 5:
Jug band manager.

Simpson Relative 6:
My legs hurt.

Lisa:
If you believe in angels then why not unicorns or leprechauns?

Kent Brockman:
Oh Lisa everyone knows leprechauns are extinct.

[Speaking about the skeleton she found]

Lisa:
It could be a mutant from the power plant.

Mr. Burns:
That's preposterous, everyone knows our mutants have flippers - oops, I've said too much. Smithers, get the amnesia ray.

Smithers:
You mean the revolver, sir?

Mr. Burns:
Yes, and be sure to wipe your mind clear when you're done as well.

Moe Szyslak:
Lisa's right, it's an angel!

Kent Brockman:
[Over the TV] Coming up next, an hilarious boat give-a-way scam, that's Springfield's Dumbest Criminals!

Homer Simpson:
[laughs] Sounds like good watching.

Homer Simpson:
Oh no, this can't be happening. What the hell are we going to do with ten thousand angel ash-trays?

Bart Simpson:
I could take up smoking.

Homer Simpson:
You damn well better.

Homer Simpson:
[singing] Here's the angel, see the angel, it's my angel, no-one elses,next to the rakes!

[after the angel hoax is exposed]

Homer:
What the hell are we going to do with 10,000 angel ashtrays?

Bart:
I could take up smoking.

Homer:
You damn well better.

Ned Flanders:
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins a movie by telling you how it ends.

Principal Skinner:
[over intercom] Attention. All honor roll students will be rewarded by a trip to an archaeological dig. Also, all detention students will be punished with a trip to an archaeological dig.

Moe:
Go home, science girl.

Lisa:
I am home.

Moe:
Good, then stay there.

[Discussing Science versus Religion]

Ned Flanders:
Science is like a blabbermouth who ruins the movie by telling you how it ends. Well, I say there are some things we don't want to know. Important things.

Homer Simpson:
[gasp] Billy Beer! [drinks it] Ahh, we elected the wrong Carter.

Moe Szyslak:
[after being crushed by a Mastodon tusk] Oh I'm paralyzed. I just hope medical science can cure me.

Lisa:
I don't understand, Professor, why didn't your test show that the skeleton was a fake?

Stephen Jay Gould:
I'm going to be honest with you, Lisa, I never did the test.

Homer:
[after Kentucky Fried Panda has been destroyed by a runaway tree] No! It was finger Ling-Ling good!

Krusty the Clown:
This I don't need.

Homer:
[looking at a picture of refugees in a newspaper] Look at these refugees, Marge. Not even a smile.

Marge:
They've undergone terrible hardships.

Homer:
Well, moping won't help anything!

Ned Flanders:
[after ringing the door] Homer? It's Neddy. I baked you a little something to ease the pain.

Homer:
[panicking] Oh! Must hide Lisa! [makes Lisa up to look like Maggie]

Homer:
[in a high-pitched voice] Come in!

Homer:
Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear.

Lisa Simpson:
[on tape] Dear Moe. If anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, and pour cocktail onions... Dad, I can't.

Homer:
[in a threatening voice] Read it!

Lisa Simpson:
...pour cocktail onions down your pants...

Lisa:
I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque.

Homer:
I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid.

Homer:
Lisa! Lisa! Come back before everyone finds out what a horrible father I am.

Lisa:
Hi dad. Looking for me?

Homer:
I don't know. You looking for me?

Lisa:
I don't know.

Homer:
Ohhhh. Lisa. I was looking for you. I wanted to apologize. I don't know exactly what went wrong but it's always my fault.

Lisa:
Actually Dad, this time, I was wrong...

Homer:
Oooh!

Lisa:
...too.

Homer:
Ohh.

Lisa:
While I was gone I got some really good advice from Paul and Linda McCartney.

Homer:
Rock stars. Is there anything they don't know?

Lisa:
I still stand by my beliefs. But I can't defend what I did. I'm sorry I messed up your barbeque.

Homer:
I understand honey. I used to believe in things when I was a kid. Come on, I'll give you a piggyback... I mean a veggieback ride home.

Lisa:
I never realized before, but some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons send the message that violence against animals is funny.

Bart:
They what? Cartoons don't have messages, Lisa. [moves toward door] They're just a bunch of hilarious stuff you know, like people getting hurt and stuff, stuff like that.

[Bart gets slammed behind the door by Homer]

Homer:
Look kids! I just got my party invitiations back from the printers.

Lisa:
[reading the invitation] "Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB."

Bart:
What's that extra B for?

Homer:
It's a typo.

Lisa:
Dad! Can't you have some other type of party, one where you don't serve meat?

Homer:
All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat?'. I'm trying to impress people here, Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

Bart:
[musically] You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!

Bart, Homer:
You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!

Bart, Homer, Marge:
You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad! You don't win friends with salad!

Lisa:
Mom!

Marge:
I don't mean to take sides, I just got caught up in the rhythm.

Homer:
Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa:
No.

Homer:
Ham?

Lisa:
No.

Homer:
Pork chops?

Lisa:
Dad, those all come from the same animal.

Homer:
Heh heh heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

Homer:
Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?

Marge:
Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.

Lisa:
Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.

Bart:
You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup homeboy?

Homer:
Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Marge:
Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.

Homer:
Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.

Marge:
Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.

Homer:
Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Bart:
Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

Homer:
Bart, go to your room.

Lisa:
Why don't you just eat him, Dad?

Homer:
I don't need any serving suggestions from you! You barbeque-wrecking, know-nothing know-it-all!

Lisa:
That's IT! I can't live in a house with this prehistoric carnivore. I am out of here!

[leaves and slams the door]

Homer:
That's it! Go to your room!

Apu:
And Paul here wrote a song called "Live and Let Live".

Paul McCartney:
Actually Apu, it was "Live and Let Die".

Apu:
Whatever, it had a good rhythm.

[Ned Flanders is having a Family Reunion]

Homer:
Hey, Flanders.

Entire Flanders Family:
Hiddily-Ho, Neighbourino.

Homer:
Shut-up.

Entire Flanders Family:
Okily-Dokily.

[Lisa has stolen the rotisserie pig from Homer's barbeque]

Marge:
Bart! No!

Bart:
[Bart has done nothing] What?

Marge:
Sorry, force of habit. Lisa! No!

Principal Skinner:
Uh oh. Two independent thought alarms in one day. The students are overstimulated. Willie! Remove all the colored chalk from the classrooms.

Groundskeeper Willie:
I warned ya! Didn't I warn ya? That colored chalk was forged by Lucifer himself.

Mr. Burns:
You know, Smithers, I think I'll donate a million dollars to the local orphanage. When pigs fly!

[both Burns and Smithers start laughing, but then a pig flies by their window]

Smithers:
Will you be donating that million dollars now, sir?

Mr. Burns:
Hmm, no I'd still prefer not.

Bart, Homer:
[chanting] You don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad, you don't win friends with salad...

[Homer is scanning the sky with binoculars, looking for his pig]

Bart:
Give it up, Dad. Piggy ain't coming back.

[Homer growls and throws the binoculars into the garbage]

Homer:
Lisa! You ruined my barbeque! I demand you apologize this second!

Lisa:
I'm never ever apologizing because I was standing up for a just cause and you were wrong, wrong, wrong! Now if you'll excuse me I'm going to my room!

Homer:
That's it! Go to your room!

[Homer fills the grill with lighter fluid and prepares to grill]

Lisa:
Wait Dad! Good news, everyone! You don't have to eat meat! I've got enough gazpacho for everyone.

[Crowd murmurs]

Lisa:
It's tomato soup, served ice cold!

[Crowd laughs out loud as Lisa growls and stomps off]

Barney Gumble:
Go back to Russia!

[Apu reveals the entrance to his secret garden]

Lisa:
Wow, a hidden staircase. But what do you do if someone wants a non-alcoholic beer?

Apu:
You know, it's never come up...

[educational film:
"The Meat Council Presents... Meat and You: Partners in Freedom. Number 3F03 in the 'Resistance is Useless' series."]

Troy McClure:
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such educational films as "Two Minus Three Equals Negative Fun" and "Firecrackers: The Silent Killer".

[Lisa's been sent to her room and Homer flips a burger way to high]

Lisa:
It's bad enough they're eating meat. They don't have to throw it in my face.

[Homer's burger lands on Lisa's face]

Lisa:
When will all those fools learn that you can be perfectly healthy simply eating vegetables, fruits, grains and cheese.

Apu:
Oh, cheese!

Lisa:
You don't eat cheese, Apu

Apu:
No I don't eat any food that comes from an animal.

Lisa:
Ohh, then you must think I'm a monster!

Apu:
Yes indeed I do think that. But, I learned long ago Lisa to tolerate others rather than forcing my beliefs on them. You know you can influence people without badgering them always.

Ralph Wiggum:
When I grow up, I'm going to Bovine University!

[Homer and Bart are chasing the rolling rotisserie pig. It rolls through some bushes]

Homer:
It's just a little dirty! It's still good, it's still good!

[the cart falls off the edge of a drainage culvert, and the pig floats down the stream]

Homer:
It's just a little slimy! It's still good, it's still good!

[the pig reaches a dam at the end of the stream and plugs the drain hole. The water pressure builds up behind it, until it launches out of the hole into the air]

Homer:
It's just a little airborne! It's still good, it's still good!

Bart:
It's gone.

Homer:
I know.

Lisa:
Come to Homer's BBBQ. The extra B is for BYOBB.

Bart:
Hey, Homer, what's that B for?

Homer:
That's a typo.

Homer:
Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.

Barney:
Yeah... where do I fill it up?

Homer:
[to Lisa] You stupid know-nothing know-it-all.

Can Of Nuts:
Nuts and gum: together at last!

Lisa:
I can believe you're just going to let your daughter live in a world where this... THIS is their role-model.

Marge:
I had a Malibu Stacy doll when I was little and I turned out all right. Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

Malibu Stacy:
[Lisa pulls on Malibu Stacy's string] Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

[Marge murmurs]

Lisa:
That's it I'm calling the company.

Montgomery Burns:
[Shirtless, as Smithers's screen saver] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at turning me on.

Waylon Smithers:
[to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

[while making the doll for Lisa]

Lisa:
Don't forget to get my mom's hair just right.

Stacy Lavelle:
I think we'll use someone else for the hair.

Lisa:
[pointing to her head] How about me?

Stacy Lavelle:
Well...

Bart Simpson:
[pointing to his head] How about me?

Stacy Lavelle:
Oh...

Homer Simpson:
[pointing to his head] How about me?

Stacy Lavelle:
YOU ALL HAVE HIDEOUS HAIR!

[everyone gasps]

Stacy Lavelle:
I mean from a design point of view.

[everyone approves in agreement]

Lisa:
They cannot keep making dolls like this! Something has to be done!

Marge:
[after a long pause] Lisa, ordinarily I'd say you should stand up for what you believe in. But you've been doing that an awful lot lately!

Bart Simpson:
Yeah! You made us march in that gay rights parade!

Lisa:
Don't you see what's wrong with what Malibu Stacy says?

Celeste:
There's something wrong with what my Stacy says.

[the girl pulls the string to reveal Spider-Man's voice]

Malibu Stacy Voice:
My Spidey Sense is tingling. Anybody call for a web-slinger?

Lisa:
Excuse me, Miss Lavelle? I'd like to talk to you about Malibu Stacy?

Stacy Lavelle:
You have any idea how many kids have tried to track me down?

Lisa:
Am I the first?

Stacy Lavelle:
...Yes.

Lisa:
Millions of girls will grow up thinking that this is the right way to act. [breathlessly] That they can't be anymore than vacuous ninnies whose only goal is to look pretty, land a rich husband, spend all day on a boat with their equally vacuous friends talking about how damn terrific it is to look pretty and have a rich husband!

Bart Simpson:
...That's what I was going to say.

Lisa:
ARGHH! [throws the doll out the window]

Marge:
Lisa, normally, I would say that you should stand up for what you believe in, but you've been doing that an awful lot lately...

Bart:
Yeah, you made us march in that gay rights parade.

Homer:
And we can't watch Fox because they own those chemical weapons plants in Syria.

Boy:
All right I've been waiting nine years to get my Frisbee back.

[Frisbee flies over the fence again]

Boy:
aaaaaw!

Krusty the Clown:
[while recording talking doll voices] One. Hey hey, kids, I'm talking Krusty. Two. Hey hey, kids. Here comes Slideshow Mel, I mean, Sideshow Mel. Four.

[laughs]

Krusty the Clown:
Bada bing, bada boom. I'm done. Learn from the professionals, kid.

[leaves]

Technician:
Uh... we're ready to roll, Krusty. Krusty?

Krustyburger Manager:
We need more secret sauce. Put this mayonnaise in the sun.

Lisa:
Mom, we can go on the factory tour and I can complain in person!

Marge:
Honey, you're not going to throw red paint at the executives, are you? The Keebler people were very upset.

Mr. Dewey Largo:
Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?

Lisa Simpson:
No, sir. I was laughing at something outside.

Sherri:
She was looking at Nelson!

Class:
Lisa likes Nelson!

Milhouse:
She does not!

Class:
Milhouse likes Lisa!

Janey:
He does not!

Class:
Janey likes Milhouse!

Uter:
She does not!

Class:
Uter likes Milhouse.

Mr. Dewey Largo:
*Nobody* likes Milhouse! Lisa, you've got detention!

Lisa Simpson:
I like you, Milhouse, but not in that way. You're more like a big sister.

Milhouse:
No, I'm not! Why does everyone keep saying that?

Dolph:
[to Nelson] Oh man... you kissed a girl!

Jimbo Jones:
That is so gay!

Ned Flanders:
[awakened by the phone ringing] Howdily-diddely.

Homer Simpson:
[on the phone via the auto-dialer] Greetings, friends. Do you wish to look...

Ned Flanders:
[hangs up] Oh, it's that darn recording again.

Maude Flanders:
Of course it was. It's been calling all night. Just unplug the phone.

Ned Flanders:
[Ned turns out the light and the phone rings again] Howdily-di.

Homer Simpson:
Greetings, friends.

Ned Flanders:
[hangs up] Dang!

Maude Flanders:
I told you to unplug the phone.

Ned Flanders:
But it could be my mother!

[the phone rings]

Ned Flanders:
Howdy...

Homer Simpson:
Greetings, friends...

Ned Flanders:
[hangs up] Shoot!

Maude Flanders:
That is it, Ned! If you don't unplug that phone right now, you're sleeping on the lawn.

Homer Simpson:
[out his window] Will you two shut up? People are trying to sleep!

Milhouse:
Sure! What's a big sister for?

[Nelson's friends catch him kissing Lisa]

Kearney:
Aw man. You just kissed a girl.

Jimbo Jones:
That is so gay.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
I'll tell you something that's not so funny. Right now, Superintendant Chalmers is at home crying like a little girl. [everybody laugh] [chuckles] I guess it is a little funny.

Chief Wiggum:
See ya in court, Simpson. Oh, and bring that evidence with ya; otherwise, I got no case and you'll go scot-free.

Homer:
Greetings, friend. Do you wish to look as happy as me? Well, you've got the power inside you right now. Use it, and send one dollar to Happy Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. Don't delay. Eternal happiness is only a dollar away.

Homer:
This is Homer Simpson, aka Happy Dude. The court is making me call everybody back and apologize for my telemarketing scam. I'm sorry. If you can find it in your heart to forgive me, send one dollar to Sorry Dude, 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield. You have the power.

Professor Dewey Largo:
Miss Simpson, do you find something funny about the word "tromboner"?

Lisa Simpson:
Nelson, Milhouse didn't send you that note. I did.

Nelson Muntz:
You? Since when do you like me? No girls like me.

[pause]

Nelson Muntz:
Are you wearing a wire?

Mr Burns:
Eternal happiness for one dollar? I'd be happier with the dollar.

Bart:
Can't sleep, clown will eat me!

Marge:
Homer, I think the baby's coming.

Homer:
Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life?

Bart:
Hey Homer, this house sucks.

Homer:
Bart, I told you not to use that word. Call me Daddy.

Homer:
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Maggie Simpson:
Daddy.

Marge:
I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger place.

Homer:
No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.

Marge:
Won't that warp him?

Homer:
My cousin Frank did it.

Marge:
You don't have a cousin Frank.

Homer:
He became Francine in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Marge:
Says here that Bart might get jealous of the baby.

Homer:
Yeah, well Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.

Patty:
The older they get, the cuter they ain't. Aww, look. The baby just spit up.

Grandma Flanders:
Hello, Joe!

Marge:
Oh Maggie, when are you going to talk?

Lisa Simpson:
Well, don't push her. Remember, it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Homer:
[thinking] What does that mean? Better say something or they'll think you're stupid. [outloud] Takes one to know one. [thinking] Swish!

Krusty the Clown:
[on TV, smoking and crying] You people are pigs! I, personally, am going to spit in every fiftieth burger!

Homer:
[watching] I like those odds.

Marge:
We saved the newspaper from the day Lisa was born.

Lisa Simpson:
[reading] Mondale to Hart: Where's the beef.

Bart:
Where's the beef? What the hell does that mean?

Homer:
[laughing] Where's the beef. No wonder he won Minnesota.

Bart:
Can you say "Get bent"?

Marge:
Bart!

Bart:
Mister Rogers says it all the time.

Marge:
Meet your little sister, Lisa.

Bart:
I hate you.

Krusty the Clown:
Krustyburger is the meat flavored sandwhich of the 1984 Olympics. Just scratch the game space on your card and if the US wins a gold medal you get a free Krustyburger... Mmm mmm mmm!

[Director yells "CUT"]

Krusty the Clown:
BLECH! Oh I almost swallowed some of the juice.

[Produces a flask and rinses his mouth and spits]

Krusty the Clown:
Ugh, I'll be tasting that for weeks.

Krusty's Accountant:
Great spot, K.C.!

Krusty the Clown:
Put a sock in it, preppy! How much are these free burgers going to cost me?

Krusty's Accountant:
Not to worry, Mr. K. We rigged the cards. They're all in events the communists never lose.

Krusty the Clown:
I like, I like!

Krusty's Asistant:
This just came over the wires, Big K!

Krusty the Clown:
[reading] Soviet boycott... U.S. unopposed in most events... how does this affect our giveaway?

Krusty's Accountant:
Let's see... [punches up the numbers] You personally stand to lose 44 million dollars.

Krusty the Clown:
[cries loudly] Oy!

[Homer has to buy Lisa a pony]

Millicent:
Our ponies start at five thousand dollars, cash.

Homer:
Isn't there like a pound where you can pick up cheap ponies that ran away from home?

Bart:
How come Lisa gets a pony?

Homer:
Because she stopped loving me.

Bart:
I don't love you either, so give me a moped.

Homer:
And I know you love me, so you don't get squat.

Homer:
Look, Lisa, grown ups have a thing called money.

Homer:
Moe, gimme a beer quick. I've got five minutes before the music store closes.

Moe:
Why don't you just go there first?

Homer:
Hey, I don't tell you how to do *your* job.

Moe:
Sorry, Homer.

Homer:
You know, if you tip the glass, you won't get so much foam on top.

Moe:
Sorry, Homer.

Marge:
We can't afford to buy a pony.

Homer:
Marge, with today's gasoline prices, we can't afford not to buy a pony.

[Homer bought Lisa a pony after Marge told him not to]

Marge:
I am very upset with you.

Homer:
Sounds like someone's angling for a pony of her own.

Homer:
Homer sleep now.

[Homer goes to the plant credit union to get a loan to buy Lisa a pony]

Homer:
Uh, I'd like to borrow $5,000.

Bank Clerk:
Sorry, I can't approve a loan that size myself.

[she walks off; Mr. Burns and Smithers appear]

Mr. Burns:
Hello.

Homer:
Aah!

Mr. Burns:
Simpson, eh? How can I help you?

Homer:
Mr. Burns, you do this personally?

Mr. Burns:
Oh, it's a hobby. I'm not in this for any personal gain, heavens no! By the way, are you acquainted with our state's stringent usury laws?

Homer:
Us-ury?

Mr. Burns:
Oh, silly me! I must have just made up a word that doesn't exist. Now, what is the purpose of this loan?

Homer:
I want to buy a pony.

Mr. Burns:
Isn't that cute! Smithers, he's planning on joining the horsey set!

[lowers voice]

Mr. Burns:
That is it, isn't it? You're not planning to eat it?

Homer:
No, I need to get it for my little girl because she doesn't love me any more...

Smithers:
Shut up, Simpson.

Homer:
Sorry.

Smithers:
Do you have any collateral?

Mr. Burns:
Oh Smithers, let's not be so cold. His spirit is my collateral. Just sign this form, and the money will be yours.

Mr. Burns:
[as Homer begins to sign, Burns starts laughing evilly]

Mr. Burns:
Sorry, I was just, um, thinking of something funny Smithers did today.

Smithers:
I didn't do anything funny, sir.

Mr. Burns:
[whispering] Shut up!

Marge:
Lisa, do you know how much it costs to keep a pony?

Lisa Simpson:
No.

Marge:
Well, it's a lot. In fact, your father had to take a second job.

Bart:
The poor guy! Where's he working?

Marge:
The Kwik-E-Mart.

[Bart bursts out laughing]

Marge:
Lisa, I hope you realize that your father can't keep this up.

Lisa Simpson:
You're going to make me give up Princess?

Marge:
Lisa, we can't make you do anything.

Bart:
I can make her! Just give me five minutes alone with her...

Marge:
No, Bart! No one's going to make her. This is something Lisa has to decide for herself.

Lisa Simpson:
All those years I've lobbied to be treated as an adult have blown up in my face.

[as Lisa tearfully gives away Princess]

Millicent:
Although there is no change in my patrician facade, I assure you my heart is breaking.

Apu:
Homer, you are asleep at your post! No go change the expiration dates on the dairy products.

Homer:
Yes, sir.

Apu:
I won't lie to you: on this job, you will be shot at.

[Lisa fears a new girl in school is more talented than she]

Marge:
Believe me, honey. She's more scared of you than you are of her.

Lisa:
You're thinking of bears, mom.

Marge:
Homer, when are you going to give up this crazy sugar scheme?

Homer:
Never, Marge. Never. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors - oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"

Homer:
Bad bees. Get away from my sugar. Ow. OW. Oh, they're defending themselves somehow.

Ralph:
My cat's breath smells like cat food

Professor Taylor:
Hi Lisa. I'm Alison's father, Professor Taylor. I've heard great things about you.

Lisa:
Oh really? I...

Professor Taylor:
Oh, don't be modest. I'm glad we have someone who can join us in our anagram game.

Alison Taylor:
We take proper names and rearrange the letters to form a description of that person.

Professor Taylor:
Like, er... oh, I don't know, uh... Alec Guinness.

Alison Taylor:
[thinking] Genuine class.

Professor Taylor:
Ho ho, very good. Alright Lisa, um... Jeremy Irons.

Lisa:
[looks worried] Jeremy's... iron.

Professor Taylor:
Mm hmm, well, that's... very good... for a first try. You know what? I have a ball. Perhaps you'd like to bounce it?

Homer:
Oh yeah, Marge? You said I wouldn't make any money. Well, I made a dollar while waiting for the bus.

Marge:
While you were out making that dollar, you lost forty dollars by not going to work. And the plant called and said that if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer:
WOOHOO! Four day weekend.

Homer:
Een America, first you get da suger. Den you get de money. Den you get de power. Den you get de weemen.

Homer:
Bart, if foodstuffs should touch the ground, said foodstuffs shall be turned over to the village idiot. Since I don't see him around, start shoveling.

Its basically how the system works nowadays.......you do a favour to get a favour inturn, you scratch my back I scratch your back, hence pretends he ddnt see nothing the man steals from you, from the people.......and they loot for themselves at the expense of the peoples lives

Beekeeper 1:
Well, sure is quiet in here today.

Beekeeper 2:
Yes, a little too quiet, if you know what I mean.

Beekeeper 1:
Hmm... I'm afraid I don't.

Beekeeper 2:
You see, bees usually make a lot of noise. No noise - suggests no bees!

Beekeeper 1:
Oh, I understand now.

[a bee flies by]

Beekeeper 1:
Oh look, there goes one now.

Beekeeper 2:
To the Beemobile!

Beekeeper 1:
You mean your Chevy?

Beekeeper 2:
[pause] Yes.

[Millhouse is at gunpoint near the end of a water tube leading to the water falls of a dam]

Milhouse Van Houten:
But I tell, I'm innocent.

FBI Guy:
I don't care.

Milhouse Van Houten:
[looks down at the water and jumps. Its a very long fall as he's yelping the whole way down, finally he lands]

Milhouse Van Houten:
[weakly] My glasses.

Bart Simpson:
[in small tape recorder] Note for later. Put rubber spider down Lisa's dress. [laughs at that, clicks tape player off and then hesitates a few seconds, and then turns the recorder back on to laugh a few more times]

Bart Simpson:
I couldn't find much on our rivalry, but I did manage to get Millhouse on America's Most Wanted.

Agent 1#:
[driving toward school sees Millhouse playing on monkey bars] There he is on the monkey bars. Try to take him out alive.

[the other FBI guy jams the gas pedal down and heads right towards the monkey bars. Many other children stat to flee while screaming]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Oh no! Not again.

[jumps off just in time as the car smashes into them, causing them to break into a dozen parts]

Principal Skinner:
[Bart is creating a diversion] Bart, stop creating a diversion and get out of here!

Ralph:
I bent my wookie.

Bart:
Lis, can you keep it down? I'm in the middle of a crank call here.

Principal Skinner:
[on phone] Actually, my refrigerator *wasn't* running. You've saved me quite a bit of spoilage. Thank you, anonymous young man.

Bart:
[after her diorama blows out the window, Lisa is sure she will lose to Alison unless she does something. Consoling her, Bart draws up a plan] Tomorrow morning when Alison steps out of her house, we spray her with the hose, soaking her head to foot, well leaving us relatively dry.

Lisa:
Relatively?

Bart:
Well, there's bound to be some splash back.

Lisa:
Bart, her being wet isn't going to help me win the contest!

Bart:
[slyly] Well, we could sabotage her diorama, making her look bad in front of the entire school.

Lisa:
[positively gleeful] Perfect!

Bart:
And leaving her with the most dramatic soaking of her life!

Lisa:
Enough with the hose!

Lisa:
[Lisa turns a fan on to demonstrate a snow storm over her complete diarama. It promptly tilts, then blows out the window] Is it okay?

Bart Simpson:
[looks out the window, then turns back to Lisa] The important thing is that we survived.

Man in "Twin Peaks":
That's damn fine coffee you got here in Twin Peaks. And damn good cherry pie.

[on TV we see The Giant dancing with a white horse, as a traffic light hangs from a nearby tree]

Homer Simpson:
Brilliant.

[chuckles]

Homer Simpson:
I have absolutley no idea what's going on.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I want you to look at this drawing Bart did!

[presents Homer with a very morbid drawing]

Homer Simpson:
[faking excitement, watching TV] Oh, it's beautiful! Oh, oh, let's put Bart's beautiful drawing up on the fridge!

Marge Simpson:
Homer, stop. Will you please look at the drawing?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, all right. What...

[looks at drawing]

Homer Simpson:
...AAAH! Burn it! Send it to hell!

Marge Simpson:
I think we're going to have to get Bart some help.

Homer Simpson:
[cringing] Get it away!

Bart Simpson:
[singing his ABC's] A, B, C, uhh, line?

Teacher:
D

Bart Simpson:
D, E, uhh, line?

Teacher:
F, Bart, and believe me, you'll be seeing plenty of them.

Teacher:
And the ugly duckling was amazed to realize it had grown into a beautiful swan. So you see children, there is hope for anyone.

Bart Simpson:
Even me?

Teacher:
No.

[Bart discovers he can make kids laugh, and puts on a show for the Kindergarteners]

Bart Simpson:
[singing] Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!

Principal Skinner:
[appearing from behind a tree] Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and... that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

Bart Simpson:
[gulps]

Principal Skinner:
Now, I want you to knock off that potty talk right now!

Bart Simpson:
[laughing] The principal said potty!

[the kids laugh. Skinner shudders in frustration]

Principal Skinner:
You listen to me, son. You just started school, and the path you choose now may be the one you follow for the rest of your life! Now, what did you say?

Bart Simpson:
[looks at Skinner, then at Jimbo. It is his moment of truth] Eat my shorts!

Principal Skinner:
All right, I'll ea... eat your shorts?

Bart Simpson:
That's right, eat my shorts! [singing to "Batman" theme] Buttman! Na na na na na na na na, Buttman!

Homer Simpson:
Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass on the words of advice my father gave me.

Grampa Simpson:
[in Homer's mind, as he remembers] Homer, you're dumb as a mule and twice as ugly! If a strange man offers you a ride, I say, take it!

Homer Simpson:
Lousy traumatic childhood!

[to the tune of the "All in the Family" theme song]

Homer Simpson:
Bart was feeling mighty blue,

Marge Simpson:
It's asham what school can do,

Apu:
For no reason here's Apu,

Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Apu:
Those were the days!

Homer Simpson:
Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...

Marge:
Movies John Travolta made...

Homer Simpson:
Guessing how much Elvis weighed...

Homer Simpson, Marge:
Those were the days!

Marge:
And you knew where you were then...

Homer Simpson:
Watching shows like Gentle Ben...

Homer Simpson, Marge:
Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!

Homer Simpson:
Disco Duck and Fleetwood Mac...

Marge:
Coming out of my eight-track...

Homer Simpson, Marge:
Michael Jackson still was black... those were the days!

[later on in episode]

Homer Simpson:
Bart was feeling might blue...

Marge:
It's a shame what school can do...

Apu:
For no reason here's Apu!

Homer Simpson, Marge, Apu:
Those were the days!

[meeting with Homer and Marge about Bart's problems in kindergarten]

Dr. J. Loren Pryor:
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, there's nothing to be alarmed about. Public school can be intimidating to a young child, particularly one with as many flamboyantly homosexual tendencies as your son.

Marge Simpson:
Bart's gay?

Dr. J. Loren Pryor:
Bart?

[looks at the file]

Dr. J. Loren Pryor:
Ah, whoo, wrong file.

[puts the file, labeled "Milhouse Van Houten," back]

Homer Simpson:
Bart son, do you want to play catch?

Bart Simpson:
No.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, when a boy doesn't wanna play catch with his old man, something is seriously wrong.

Grampa Simpson:
I'll play catch with you, son.

Homer Simpson:
Get the hell out!

Grampa Simpson:
I'm gone.

Marge:
There must be something we can do to encourage Lisa's gift. An art class. Ballet lessons. They have fun things to do at the museum on Saturday.

Homer:
Whoa, whoa, Marge. I'm not spending my Saturdays at a museum. Unless... museums don't have foosball do they?

[in Homer's mind, he's playing against the Statue of David and wins]

Homer:
You lose, Michaelangelo's David! Who's next?

The Scream:
[Edvard Munch's The Scream runs out] MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Homer Simpson:
Our family was suffering its worst crisis ever. Bart was miserable at school, and Lisa's gifts were going to waste.

Bart Simpson:
Uh, Homer, its five years later and I'm still miserable at school.

Lisa Simpson:
And my gifts are still going to waste!

Marge Simpson:
And sometimes I just feel so smothered by this family I just want to scream till my lungs explode!

Music Store Clerk:
Would you like an inscription, sir?

Homer Simpson:
Yes. To Lisa, never forget that your daddy loves - [accidentally drops the saxophone] D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
[in the present] And that inscription is still here today!

[inscription of flattened saxophone says, "To Lisa, never forget that your daddy loves d'oh!"]

Principal Skinner:
Hello, everybody and welcome to Springfield Elementary. I'm Principal Sinner. [realizing his mistake] Uh, uh, uh Skinner. [the children laugh]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, my father gave me beer as a child.'Til wrapped my little red wagon around a tree.

Barney Gumble:
[Flashback to Homer and Barney as boys] Let's never drink again.

Homer Simpson:
[Flashback to the present, Homer has a Duff beer in his hand] And we never did. [Drinks it]

Marge Simpson:
And so, just as things looked their worst...

Grampa Simpson:
I realized I could make money selling my medication to dead-heads!

Marge Simpson:
Grandpa, what are you talking about?

Grampa Simpson:
Ohh... nothing.

Marge Simpson:
Well, Grandpa, as long as you're here, we were telling a story that took place when Bart was five, and Lisa was three.

Grampa Simpson:
Oh, I know this story! The year was nineteen-ought-six. The President is the divine Miss Sarah Burnheart. And all over America, people were doin' a dance called the "Funky Grandpa"! [sings] Oh... I'm... the... [falls asleep standing up]

Bart:
Skinner is a nut, he has a rubber butt!

Principal Skinner:
Young man, I can assure you my posterior is nothing more than flesh, bone, and that metal plate I got in 'Nam.

Marge:
You know, Homer, there's $200 in the air conditioning account.

Homer:
Oh Marge! Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sweating like a pig?

Bart:
Not to mention eating like a pig and dressing like a pig.

Apu:
Don't forget the smell.

Homer:
Will you get off of my lawn?

Apu:
Why don't you make me?

Homer:
Why, you...! Oh, forget it.

Homer:
Hey boy. Wanna play catch?

Bart:
No thanks dad.

Homer:
When a son doesn't want to play catch with his father something is definitely wrong.

Grampa:
I'll play catch with you.

Homer:
Go home.

Bart:
[on Lisa] I knew someone was gonna say it, but I can't believe it was her.

Homer:
Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon. The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

Mr. Bergstrom:
And for the record, there were a few Jewish cowboys. Big guys, who were great shots, and spent money freely.

Martin Prince:
As your president, I would demand a science-fiction library, featuring an ABC of the genre. Asimov, Bester, Clarke.

Student:
What about Ray Bradbury?

Martin Prince:
I'm aware of his work...

Principal Skinner:
Are you the substitute?

Mr. Bergstrom:
Yessir, yes I aim.

Principal Skinner:
Are you insane?

Mr. Bergstrom:
[lowers voice] Uh, no sir, no I'm not. It's my way of getting their attention.

[for Show-and-Tell, Bart shows a videotape, titled, 'How Kittens are Born:
The UGLY story']

Bart:
Oh look, this is really cool. When I hit reverse, I can make them go back in.

[after hearing about mummies]

Homer:
Ooh, pretty creepy. Still, I'd rather have him chasing me than the Wolf Man.

[despite Bart's runaway popularity during the presidential campaign, he loses the election because only two kids bother to vote]

Bart:
I demand a recount!

Edna Krabappel:
[empties the box] One for Martin. Two for Martin. Would you like another recount?

Bart:
No.

Edna Krabappel:
Well, I just want to make sure. One for Martin, two for Martin.

Marge Simpson:
Homer! Did you take care of...

Homer:
Ah-ah-ah. Don't say anything, Marge. Let's just go to bed. Right now I'm on the biggest roll of my life.

Mr. Bergstrom:
Mrs. Krabappel, are you trying to seduce me?

Miss Hoover:
Children, I won't be staying long. I just came from the doctor, and I have Lyme disease. Principal Skinner will run the class until a substitute arrives.

Ralph:
What's Lyme disease?

Principal Skinner:
I'll field that one.

[goes to blackboard]

Principal Skinner:
Lyme disease is spread by small parasites called 'ticks'.

[writes 'TICKS' on blackboard]

Principal Skinner:
When a diseased tick attaches itself to you, it begins sucking your blood...

Miss Hoover:
[not calmed] Oh...

Principal Skinner:
Malignant spirochetes infect your bloodstream, eventually spreading to your spinal fluid and on into the brain.

Miss Hoover:
The brain? Oh, dear God...

Class:
Wow.

[Lisa's crying in her room]

Homer:
Are you crying because you called Daddy a baboon?

Lisa Simpson:
No!

Homer:
[aggravated] Nuts!

[Homer is trying to comfort Lisa after Mr. Bergstrom has left]

Homer:
Oh, this isn't working at all!

Lisa Simpson:
[wanting him gone] Look, if you just want me to forgive you...!

Homer:
No, no! I just wish I knew what to say.

[he opens Lisa's music box, and a tune begins to play]

Homer:
Although, maybe this music will help. Now, you you lost someone special to you, and it hurts. I'm lucky, because I never lost anyone special to me. Everyone special to me is right under this roof.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh...

Homer:
No, it's true. Now you'll have lots of special people in your life, Lisa. There's probably some place where they all get together and the food is real good, and guys like me are serving drinks.

Homer:
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

Miss Hoover:
So, you see, children, my Lyme disease turned out to be... [writes it on the board] Psychosomatic.

Ralph:
Does that mean you went crazy?

Janey:
No, it means she was faking it.

Miss Hoover:
No, actually, it was a little bit of both.

Homer:
[to Bart] I always knew you had personality. The doctor said it was hyperactivity, but I knew better.

Bart:
[after Lisa calls Homer a baboon] Somebody was bound to say it someday, I just can't believe it was her!

[Flash-forward to Lisa's wedding]

Homer:
Little Lisa, Lisa Simpson. You know, I always felt you were the best thing my name ever got attached to. Ever since the time you learned to pin your own diapers, you've been smarter than me.

Lisa:
Oh, Dad...

Homer:
No, no, let me finish. I just want you to know I've always been proud of you. You're my greatest accomplishment, and you did it all yourself. You taught me to understand my own life better, and made me a better person, but you're still my daughter, and I don't think anyone has ever had a better daughter than...

Lisa:
Dad, you're babbling.

Homer:
See? You're still helping me.

Lisa:
Love the painting, Mrs. Parkfield. Judging by the clothes, I'd say... seventeenth century?

Mrs. Parkfield:
Actually, Lisa, it's just Uncle Eldred.

Uncle Eldred:
[obviously insane, due to the fact that he's fishing in an empty fishbowl] I get me brain medicine from the National Health!

Hugh St. John Alastair Parkfield:
You know, I rather like this bar.

Moe:
Oh, an English boy, huh? You know, we saved your ass in World War II.

Hugh St. John Alastair Parkfield:
Well, we saved *your* arse in World War III.

Moe:
That's true.

Marge:
Lisa, hello. How are you doing in England? Remember, an elevator is called a "lift", a mile is called a "kilometer" and botulism is called "steak and kidney pie".

Lunchlady Doris:
Yon meat, 'tis sweet as summer's wafting breeze.

Homer:
Can I have some?

Lunchlady Doris:
Mine ears are only open to the pleas of those who speak ye olde English.

Homer:
Sweet maiden of the spit, grant now my boon, that I might sup on some suckling pig this noon.

Lunchlady Doris:
Whatever.

Homer:
OK, Marge, I'll plan everything: we can have the reception at Moe's. Wait. Why not have the whole wedding there? We'll do it on a Monday morning. There'll be fewer drunks.

Marge:
Homer, don't be offended, but I've obtained a court order to prevent you from planning this wedding.

Homer:
[looks through the papers of the court order] Well, these seem to be in order. I'll be out back in the hammock.

Homer:
Oh, I've eaten eight different meats. I am a true renaissance man.

[takes a huge bite of pork]

Lisa:
I'll go to the first aid tent and tell them to plug in ye olde stomach pump.

Lisa:
Mom, remember when I was little, we'd always planned my dream wedding and you always promised to... you know, well, keep Dad from ruining it?

Marge:
[crossing her fingers] Oh, don't worry, honey, I guarantee your father will behave.

Lisa:
[nonplussed] Mom, it's a picture phone.

Marge:
[looking at her fingers] This? This? Oh, no, I've just got a touch of the rheumatiz.

Lisa:
Oh.

Marge:
[wipes her brow] Phew!

Lisa:
Mom, picture phone.

Marge:
I took loom in high school. [Marge hums, quickly weaves *Hi Bart, I am weaving on a loom*]

Bart Simpson:
[pause] Meh.

Chief Wiggum:
Behold, the rarest of the rare... the mythological two-headed hound, born with only one head! And here, out of the mists of history... the legendary Esquilax. A horse with the head of a rabbit. And the body... of a rabbit!

Principal Skinner:
We've just been invited to the wedding of the only one of our students to read at an adult level!

Ms. Hoover:
Hmm, it must be Lisa Simpson. Because of course Martin Prince perished in that science fair explosion.

[Pan down to the basement, where a disfigured Martin is seated at an organ, a la "The Phantom of the Opera."]

Martin Prince:
Not quite perished, my lady love. Although some days I wish I had.

[plays "A Fifth of Beethoven" on the organ]

Bart Simpson:
You know, I thought Darcy and I would be like a real married couple, instead we ended up fighting all the time...

Homer Simpson:
Eee, yeaa how about that?

Homer Simpson:
Son, one day you're gonna be a great father.

Bart Simpson:
Awww, and someday you will be one too.

Grampa:
Yes sir, we Simpsons have never married or even shook hands with anyone remotely interesting. In a world of 31 flavors, we are the water they use to clean the scoop. Grampa out.

Lisa Simpson:
[thinking] Oh, no. By speaking with forked tongue, I am in heap big trouble. Oh, no! Now I'm thinking in stereotypes!

Bart Simpson:
That's it! I want a license.

Mayor Quimby:
To kill?

Bart Simpson:
No, to drive.

Mayor Quimby:
Suit yourself.

Darcy:
I love you.

Bart Simpson:
That is such a girl thing to say.

Utah Minister:
And how many brides shall you be marrying?

Bart Simpson:
Just one.

Utah Minister:
What are you, gay?

Darcy:
You really are ten, I just thought you were really stupid.

Bart Simpson:
I'm ten AND stupid!

Bart Simpson:
[Darcy is screaming at Bart to get her some strawberries] Take my wife... hey, I finally get that joke!

Homer Simpson:
Stupid sexy Flanders!

[Homer starts sliding down the ski slope]

Homer Simpson:
Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said...

Ski Instructor:
[thought bubble] If you get into any trouble, all you have to do is...

[image changes to Flanders, wiggling his butt]

Ned Flanders:
[thought bubble] Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all... nothing at all... nothing at all!...

Homer Simpson:
AH! Stupid sexy Flanders.

[Homer's legs slide apart]

Homer Simpson:
Ow, my leg! This is the worst pain ever!

[Homer gets repeatedly hit in the crotch by snow mounds]

Lisa Simpson:
Would you guys turn that down!

Homer Simpson:
Sweetie, if we didn't turn it down for the cops, what chance do you have?

Homer Simpson:
Leprosy? I can't believe it. That fortune cookie was right!

Bart Simpson:
Why would God punish a kid? I mean, an American kid?

Homer Simpson:
Braaains. Braaaaains. Use your brains to help us! Your delicious braaains.

Ned Flanders:
Ouch, that smarts. Boys, get the alcohol-free alcohol.

Bart:
Stomp that pickle revert.

Otto:
Sick lingos, boys.

Bart:
I've gotta go to the bathroom.

Otto:
Ah, ah, say it in snowboard.

Bart:
Uh, I've gotta blast a dookie?

Otto:
Dook on!

Principal Skinner:
Now I will take any questions from Honor Students.

Agnes Skinner:
[Agnes shows up at the school knocking a student out of her way] I've got a question. How dare you wear white? I hear what you do at night.

Principal Skinner:
Security!

Agnes Skinner:
[Two Kids drag Agnes off the school grounds] Get your hands off of me.

Homer Simpson:
[sings] I get knocked down, I get knocked down again, you're never gonna knock me down... I take a whiskey drink, I take a chocolate drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink! I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

Ralph Wiggum:
Bye Lisa! Tomorrow we find out what five minus three is!

Ralph Wiggum:
Why do people run from me? [Pees his pants]

[Lisa just wakes up after passing out]

Homer:
Lisa? Lisa? Are you ok?

Lisa:
Ok? I'm great. I'm ready for the gymnastics class, now. Ich bin ein gymnast.

Homer:
Awww, she must've dreamt about Hitler, again.

Ralph:
Why do people keep running away from me?

[wets himself and smiles]

Homer:
[singing along to the tune of Chumbawumba's "Tumpthumping"] I take a whiskey drink, I take a coffee drink, and when I have to pee, I use the kitchen sink. I sing the song that reminds me I'm a urinating guy.

[In order to go to College, Lisa convinced two College girls that her house is an off-campus dorm]

Tina:
Hey, Lisa. Where've you been?

Lisa:
In heaven.

Carrie:
I love her. She's such a free spirit.

Tina:
She has to be, where she lives. That place had a Manson Family vibe...

[In a Chinese Krusty factory]

Krusty the Clown:
Laziness is counter-revolutionary.

Homer Simpson:
She's wearing white. She must have rolled the odometer back to zero.

Milhouse:
Oh, my God. I've become the world's biggest baby. Big boys don't drink moo-moo from a baba. They drink moo-moo from a big boy cup.

Lisa Simpson:
That's not the Milhouse I know.

Nelson Muntz:
Ha ha! You know Milhouse!

Homer Simpson:
Bart, stop talking to yourself. That'll show him. Now, how am I going to find out what color Marge's eyes are.

Bart Simpson:
Lise, I don't get it... Why does Milhouse's happiness make me sad?

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, Bart, Bart, you're worried you're losing Milhouse, and love is a selfish thing!

Bart Simpson:
Shut up! I don't love Milhouse!

Lisa Simpson:
Oh Really? The more you deny it, the more I know it's true!

Bart Simpson:
Oh, yeah? Well, whenever you're mean, I'm a trampoline. So everything you said goes back and hits your ugly head.

Lisa Simpson:
[Laughs] God, that was lame. Where did you get that?

Bart Simpson:
From Milhouse! Oh, I love him so much!

Lisa Simpson:
Aww, it's okay!

Lisa Simpson:
You're quitting school?

Nelson Muntz:
Dropping it like a melon off an overpass.

Lisa Simpson:
But don't you know? People who don't go to college make 3% less than people who do.

Marge Simpson:
Is that the cat in there?

Homer Simpson:
It's *a* cat. I'm not certain it's *the* cat.

Homer Simpson:
After Bart, that bag is the best mistake we ever made.

Nelson Muntz:
My first job! Tonight, I'm having peanut butter *and* jelly. No more PB or J for me.

Lenny Leonard:
Through this protective layer, I can't tell if I'm watching an old Seinfeld or an old Old Christine.

Nelson Muntz:
[throwing spelling book in fire] Spelling, meet F-Y-R-E.

Lisa Simpson:
Mr. Zuckerberg, I'm Lisa, and this is my friend Nelson.

Nelson Muntz:
S'up, Zuck?

Mark Zuckerberg:
[Typing] Mark Zuckerberg is... happy to make new friend.

Lisa Simpson:
That's nice. Mr. Zuckerberg, I want to show my friend the importance of a college education.

Mark Zuckerberg:
Actually, I dropped out of Harvard.

Lisa Simpson:
You did?

Nelson Muntz:
Better earnin' than learnin'.

Mark Zuckerberg:
Hell, yeah! I'll get the best kind of degree: honorary, baby!

Grampa Simpson:
I once gave a dollar to a bum, and he wasted it on an Ellery Queen mystery novel. But there was one mystery Ellery Queen couldn't solve: why would a man be named Ellery. But my point is whatever I was talking about before I started talking about Ellery Queen.

Homer:
[to Lisa, while breaking into a museum] Could you open the window? The cop's have Daddy's prints on file.

[Praying heavenward]

Homer:
I'm not normally a religious man, but if you're up there, save me, Superman!

Homer:
Feeling stupid? I know I am.

Homer:
Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

Marge:
[reading the back of a super glue tube] "In case of accidental ingestion, consult a mortician."

Lisa Simpson:
[Homer is stuck in the top of a cherry picker heading fast downstream in a river towards a drawbridge] Quick, put the bridge down!

drawbridge Guy:
Okay, you're the boss.

Lisa Simpson:
[the bridge goes down as Homer disappears beneath it] Dad, grab on!

drawbridge Guy:
[the cherry picker reappears on the other side of the bridge without Homer, who is then seen flailing his arms and legs with his head stuck in the crevice of the bridge] You said you wanted me to crush him right?

Lisa Simpson:
No!

Lisa Simpson:
Are you sure you don't want to go to a doctor? I mean, a drawbridge did close on your head.

Homer:
No, I'll just walk it off.

Larry, the bus driver.:
[to Lisa, after her bus ride has come to an end] End of the line.

Bart Simpson:
I'm never gonna have a cell phone.

Lisa Simpson:
And I'm never gonna go to Machu Pichu. In this family, you get used to disappointment.

Bart Simpson:
Hello? Bart Simpson.

Denis Leary:
This is Denis Leary, you little puke! When I find you, I'm gonna tear your heart out with two fingers! I know how to do it, too. I learned it for my show.

Bart Simpson:
Which one? The one that got canceled, or the one that's gonna get canceled?

Bart Simpson:
Mom, even Milhouse has a cell phone. Your son is lamer than Milhouse! What does that say about you?

[Bart is at Lisa's tea party]

Bart Simpson:
I don't know why I agreed to this.

Lisa Simpson:
Because you like the taste of my imaginary tea.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, you're right.

Principal Skinner:
I can't believe I'm out of gas. I put in one dollar of gas and I've only driven ninety cents.

Mrs. Skinner:
You had to drive with the windows open, didn't you, Rockefeller?

Bart Simpson:
Millhouse, I hold in this hand Denis Leary's cellphone, and in this hand, the phone numbers of bars around the world. Let's start with Hawaii.

Various:
Aloha!

Bart Simpson:
Aloha to you. I'm looking for Maya, last name Normousbutt.

Various:
Hang on, I'll check. Uh, has anyone here seen Maya Normousbutt?

Various:
I've got a Drew P. Wiener here? Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Weiner.

Various:
Better put it down, then, mate!

[patrons laughing]

Various:
Yeah? I shall inquire. Is there a Mr. Myfriendsaregay, first name Allof? Attention, everyone. Allof Myfriendsaregay?

[Bart and Millhouse laugh]

Various:
Wait a minute. If I ever get ahold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, the game is right here. [points to football field inside stadium]

Homer Simpson:
[chuckles] Oh, that's right! I hope you kids are enjoying yourselves today, because you and your children will be paying for this place long after the team moves to another city.

Marge Simpson:
You've destroyed our son's self-esteem.

Homer Simpson:
Well, it was your idea to give him self-esteem in the first place.

Dr. Zander:
Homer, to emphasize the seriousness of this situation, I'm going to turn my chair around backwards.

Homer Simpson:
[screams]

Grampa Simpson:
Aw. My son's first stroke.

Edna Krabappel:
Bart Simpson. What would your father say if he knew what you were doing?

Bart Simpson:
He'd say, "I'm a grown man who's scared of my son."

Edna Krabappel:
I find that hard to believe.

Bart Simpson:
Oh yeah? Look.

[points to Homer]

Homer Simpson:
[writing "I'm a grown man who's afraid of his own son" on chalkboard] How many more, sir?

Bart Simpson:
Fill the board, then wash my car. [Tosses set of keys at Homer]

Homer Simpson:
But these are my keys!

Bart Simpson:
What was that?

Homer Simpson:
My keys... ter is ready for another whooping, sir.

Homer Simpson:
How could two people from the same family need therapy?

Homer Simpson:
But I don't want to go to parenting class. All the other neglectful parents will make fun of me. They're so cliquey.

Marge Simpson:
You'll be all right. You always are.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I miss my friends from drunk driving class. They were so cool.

Dr. Zander:
Wait a minute! You strangle your own son?

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, strangling. I'ts not the only tool in my parenting arsenal, but it's the sharpest.

Homer Simpson:
Doctor, you made me see my life of through Bart's neck.

Dr. Zander:
Homer, you've made a lot of progress. I'm sure with a few years of biweekly sessions, I'm sure...

Homer Simpson:
Uh, I lied about having health insurance.

Dr. Zander:
And you're cured.

Carl Carlson:
[Trying to shoot down Mr. Burns' hot-air balloon] I can't do it. A balloon saved my arteries, I couldn't shoot down his cousin.

Mr. Burns:
Simpson, you saved my life. Anything you want, just mention it.

Homer Simpson:
All your money and all your stuff.

Mr. Burns:
Lower and likelier.

Homer Simpson:
Super Bowl tickets? Playoff tickets? Regular season tickets on Bobblehead day?

Mr. Burns:
No-head day!

Dr. Zander:
You're serious? You mean you lay your hands on your son's neck?

Homer Simpson:
Yeah. I guess it's the way I was brought up. [Flashback to Homer as a boy]

Grampa Simpson:
Homer, your grades are a disgrace. No more TV for a month.

Homer Simpson:
Why you little... [Strangles Grampa]

Marge Simpson:
So whatever you did to my husband was too effective.

Dr. Zander:
Yes, one of the most common complaints about therapy.

Homer Simpson:
I couldn't quit drinking any more than I could quit being a man. [Pours from a flask into his orange juice and drinks it] Ah, now it feels like morning.

Bart Simpson:
Can't talk now. Texting.

Moe Szyslak:
Ooh, a text. Heh. Let's see... text message for I.M. A. Weiner. As you can all see, I.M. A. Weiner.

Barney Gumble:
[the barflies all laugh] I see it, Moe!

Moe Szyslak:
Why you... when I...

[texting]

Moe Szyslak:
"When I a hold of you..." Oh, damn it, I typed a 'F' and not a 'D'. Uh... delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti.

Homer Simpson:
For the next three hours, we'll be absolutely kid free. It'll be like that time we lost them at the mall. That was the best Christmas ever.

Homer Simpson:
They were the Bonnie and Clyde of their time. Their names were Bonnie and Clyde.

Homer Simpson:
[as Clyde Barrow] Nobody calls me chicken without goading me into doing something stupid!

Homer Simpson:
[as Shady] I didn't know you were such a feisty, high-class b*tch.

Marge Simpson:
[as Vamp] I like how you used the technical term for a female dog.

Bart Simpson:
[as Johnny Rotten] Tonight, we're gonna play like we've never played before: competently.

Chief Wiggum:
I found that offensive, and I'm a fat, Southern sheriff.

Comic Book Guy:
That music was against everything punk rock stands for: nothing. You are hereby banned from CBGB, Comic Book Guy's Bar.

Milhouse Van Houten:
A Playbox? I didn't know you had one!

Bart Simpson:
Neither did I.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Something's fishy, Bart. Where's the sales receipt? Where's the dessicant packet that says "Do not eat"? And believe me, you shouldn't.

Bart Simpson:
I think this game player was liberated from its former owner.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Liberated? You mean stolen?

Bart Simpson:
You can't spell crime without me.

Milhouse Van Houten:
C-R-I... there it is, at the end!

Principal Skinner:
Skate, skate as fast as you can. You can't outrun me, I'm the principal man. That's the kind of thing you could be learning right now.

Lisa Simpson:
I can't go out with him. He's just Ralph with a dream.

Lisa Simpson:
Maybe competitive eating isn't the sport for you.

Lucas Bortner:
It's not just a sport. It's my life.

Lisa Simpson:
I mean, maybe we haven't found the right food for you. How about ice cream?

Lucas Bortner:
Sure. I can pound that cream. [90 seconds later]

Lucas Bortner:
[On the floor] Oh, my God, brain freeze! Kick my head until I pass out! [Lisa gives Lucas a tap on the head with her foot] Harder! I'm still conscious!

Selma Bouvier:
Girls marry their fathers, Marge. Looks like you're looking at your new ton-in-law.

Lisa Simpson:
I can't believe you did this dad. Why didn't you put that thing in your room?

Homer Simpson:
Hmm, that thought never occurred to me. Funny how your mind works in a crisis.

Homer Simpson:
Ah no. No freezing.

Owner:
No Mr. Simpson. This is a sensory deprivation tank. It blocks out all the external distractions that bombard our souls.

Homer Simpson:
Can you pee in it?

Lisa Simpson:
I'll take two hours!

Homer Simpson:
Me too.

Owner:
You're about to take a journey into the mind. You may see and experience things that are strange and frightening. But remember, they can't physically harm you, though they may destroy you mentally.

Lisa:
Dad, I still don't understand how you could just give my room away?

Homer:
Honey, what's your favorite movie?

Lisa:
Well, until you taped over it, "The Little Mermaid".

Homer:
That's right. "The Odd Couple". Meet your new, comically mismatched roommate- Bart.

Bart:
I'm going to make your life a living hell.

Lisa:
Ohh...

[Homer hums "Odd Couple" theme, shoves Lisa into the room and runs away]

Lisa:
Mom, what's happening?

Marge:
I'm sorry, honey, but we're renting your room to a satellite network until your father can pay for the destruction of a priceless artifact. Boy, I never thought I'd have to say that again.

Homer:
Come on, Lisa. Try and see this from the Omnitouch Corporation's point of view.

Dr. Hibbert:
Lisa, I'm afraid your tummyache may be caused by stress.

Homer:
Whew. That's a relief.

Announcer:
That was "The Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats, or as they're known today... Men Without Jobs.

Guard #1:
[after Homer destroyed the bill of rights] You just licked off the part that forbids cruel and unusual punishment.

Guard #2:
[putting on brass knuckles] Hehe, beautiful.

Homer:
If it doesn't have Siamese twins in a jar, it's not a fair.

Homer Simpson:
STEALING! How could you? Why do you think I took you to see all those "Police Academy" movies, FOR FUN? I DIDN'T HEAR ANYONE LAUGHING, DID YOU? except at that guy who made sound effects.

[Tries to do a few]

Homer Simpson:
Now where was I? Oh, yeah: stay away from my booze.

Homer:
How could you? Haven't you learned anything from that guy that gives those sermons in church? Captain What's-his-name. We live in a society of laws, why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects. Vroom. Beep. Honk. Honk. Ha-ha. Where was I? Oh yeah, stay out of my booze.

Nelson Muntz:
Shoplifting is victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.

Don Brodka:
That's it, Mr. Comedian. I'm calling your parents! [dials the phone] Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but... well, try and have a merry Christmas. [hangs up] They weren't home, uh huh. But I left a message on their answering machine, that's right.

Don Brodka:
Hey, kid; one more thing. If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Capisce? [Bart looks confused] Well, do you understand?

Bart Simpson:
Everything except "capisce".

Bart Simpson:
Buy me "Bonestorm" or go to hell!

Marge Simpson:
Bart!

Homer Simpson:
Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please".

Bart Simpson:
It's the coolest video game ever!

Marge Simpson:
I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork.

Bart Simpson:
Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game.

Homer Simpson:
I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. [pause] Well, good night.

Homer Simpson:
[pressing "play" on the answering machine] Hmm, we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd.

Allan Sherman:
[sings] Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp Granada.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?

Homer:
Hey, we didn't have a message on our answering machine when we left. How very odd.

Marge:
Well if loving my kids is lame, then I guess I'm just a big lame.

Don Brodka:
[Jabbing his finger in Bart's chest] I thought I told you, don't return for busted merchandise.

Homer Simpson:
What are you doing to my son?

Don Brodka:
I'm afraid your son broke the 11th Commandment: Thou shalt not steal.

Marge Simpson:
That's crazy. Bart's not a shoplifter, he's just a little boy.

Don Brodka:
Oh, sure, now he's just a little boy stealing little toys. But someday, he'll be a grown man stealing stadiums and - and quarries.

Marge Simpson:
My son may not be perfect, but I know in my heart he's not a shoplifter.

[Homer runs a lot, and then pukes in a nearby cone]

Homer Simpson:
Does somebody have another barf cone?

[Homer notices a sideline official waving his out-of-bounds flag]

Homer Simpson:
Hey! You got something against the American flag, bub?

[Homer headbutts the guy in the stomach]

Little Girl:
Hey! That's my dad!

Homer Simpson:
I'm your dad now!

Marge Simpson:
How could you kill your own mother?

Bart Simpson:
It was just a game. A game I was enjoying it until you mommed all over it.

Homer Simpson:
Son, I will never understand women if I live to be forty.

Bart Simpson:
Big if.

Homer Simpson:
You said it. Enjoy me while you can.

Helen Lovejoy:
You are so blind, even Jesus couldn't heal you.

Reverend Lovejoy:
Helen, please. Don't drop the J-bomb.

Homer Simpson:
That's soccer? All this time I was calling it human foosball.

Marge Simpson:
And all this time I thought Googling yourself meant the other thing.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm so proud of you, Mom. You're like Christopher Columbus. You discovered something millions of people did before you.

Marge Simpson:
Kids, what are you doing up so late?

Lisa Simpson:
We just got up. It's 7:30 AM.

Marge Simpson:
I played on the computer all night?

Bart Simpson:
Actually, it's Saturday.

Marge Simpson:
I played a day and an night?

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, it's not Saturday.

Bart Simpson:
Shh!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, you have to get on the net. It's where all the best conspiracy theories are. Did you know Hezbollah owns Little Debbie Food Snacks? This stuff will rock your world.

Homer Simpson:
[refereeing Lisa's soccer game] Yellow card!

Lisa Simpson:
You can't give me a yellow card. You're my dad!

Homer Simpson:
When I put on these shorts, I'm not your dad. And judging by how tight they are, I'll never be anyone else's dad, either.

Homer Simpson:
Thanks, honey.

Homer Simpson:
I prepared by watching hours and hours of soccer.

Homer Simpson:
I almost saw a goal once.

Homer Simpson:
But there were SO MANY ads for Spanish cell phones!

Lionel Hutz:
Mrs. Simpson, you're in luck. Your sexual harassment suit is exactly what I need to help rebuild my shattered practice. Care to join me in a belt of scotch?

Marge:
It's 9:30 in the morning.

Lionel Hutz:
Yeah, but I haven't slept in days.

Mr. Burns:
You're fired!

Marge:
You can't fire me just because I'm married! I'm gonna sue the pants off you!

Mr. Burns:
You don't have to sue me to get my pants off.

Grampa Simpson:
Have you ever read "The Boy Who Cried Wolf"?

Bart Simpson:
I glanced at it. Boy cries wolf, has a few laughs... I forget how it ends.

Groundskeeper Willie:
[a wolf is attacking Bart] Hey, Wolfie! Put down that hors d'oeurve, it's time fer tha main course!

Disgruntled Worker with Shotgun:
I am the Angel of Death... the time of purification is at hand...

[Willie shares a flask of Scotch with the whipped wolf]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Ah, don't feel too bad for losin'! I was wrestling wolves when you were at your mother's teat!

[Marge, Homer, and Lionel Hutz confront Burns in his office]

Lionel Hutz:
[slams his briefcase down on the desk] Mr. Burns, we've got witnesses, precedent, and a paper trail a mile long!

Mr. Burns:
Yes? Well, *I* have ten high-priced lawyers.

[He presses a button, opening a wall panel and revealing his ten lawyers standing in a row. Hutz screams in terror and dashes out of the room]

Homer Simpson:
He left his briefcase. [opens it] Hey! It's full of shredded newspaper.

[Bart is faking illness to get out of a test he hasn't prepared for]

Bart:
Ohhhh, my ovaries!

Marge:
[loveingly] Oh Monty! You're the devil himself

Mr. Burns:
[shouting] Who told yo...

[realises]

Mr. Burns:
oh, and I would say you are an angel, but angels don't dance that well

Retirement Party Usher:
The Spruce Caboose, the biggest, most expensive train ever built. Some said it was too big to stay on the tracks.

[Points to a picture of the train lying on its side and chuckles]

Retirement Party Usher:
They were right.

Tom Jones:
[Tom Jones is chained up while singing for Marge and Homer. He whispers to Marge] Get help, love. Call Interpol, get me a hacksaw, anything.

Bart Simpson:
I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Marge Simpson:
[Driving "Canyonero" SUV off-road] Outta my way, Nature!

Homer Simpson:
[Trapped by a rampaging rhinoceros] Jesus! Allah! Buddha! I love you all!

Chalmers:
Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I'm wondering, who's on first, eh?

Principal Skinner:
Not the pronoun, but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.

Chalmers:
Well that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds and you've already managed to blow the routine.

[Chalmers storms off]

Chalmers:
[muttering under his breath] Sexless freak.

[while watching a faculty talent show]

Bart:
I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows.

Chief Wiggum:
Do it for this adorable little puppy. Look at the puppy, Marge.

Marge:
That's your hat.

Lou:
She's good, chief.

Homer Simpson:
We've gone through more hardships than the Jews and Charlie Brown put together.

Lionel Hutz:
Now, Apu, Mrs. Simpson claims that she *forgot* that bottle of... delicious... bourbon. Brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting.

[holds the bottle to his ear]

Lionel Hutz:
[whispering] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial! [puts it down] Excuse me. [he runs out of the courtroom, finds a payphone and quickly dials]

Lionel Hutz:
Hello, David? I'm really tempted!

David Crosby:
Just take it one day at a time, and know that I love you.

Lionel Hutz:
I love you too, man.

Lionel Hutz:
Now don't you worry, Mrs. Simpson, I... uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.

Marge:
Is that bad?

Lionel Hutz:
Well, he's had it in for me ever since I kinda ran over his dog.

Marge:
You did?

Lionel Hutz:
Well, replace the word "kinda" with the word "repeatedly," and the word "dog" with "son."

Ned Flanders:
Oh, the network slogan is true. Watch FOX and be damned for all eternity.

Lou:
[observing some police attack dogs] Gee, they look pretty mad.

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, I've been starving them, teasing them, singing off key...

Chief Wiggum:
All right, come out with your hands up, two cups of coffee, an auto freshener that says "Capricorn", and something with coconut on it.

Mr. Burns:
[opens his germ-free chamber and sees Homer in it, eating a sandwich] Who the devil are you?

Homer's Brain:
Don't panic. Just come up with a good story.

Homer:
My name is Mr. Burns.

Homer's Brain:
D'oh!

Apu:
The aspirin is $24.95.

Marge:
$24.95?

Apu:
I lowered the price because an escaped mental patient tampered with the bottle.

Crowd:
We need a cure! We need a cure!

Dr. Hibbert:
Why, the only cure is bed rest. Anything I give you would only be a placebo.

Woman in Crowd:
Where do we get these placebos?

Man:
Maybe there's some in this truck!

[the panicky crowd push over a truck, boxes labeled "danger killer bees" break open, the bees go everywhere and everyone panics, one man puts a bee in his mouth]

Man:
I'm cured! I mean, ouch!

Lisa Simpson:
[from another room] Mom, can you bring me more O.J.?

Bart Simpson:
[from another room] Can you get me some of those Flintstones chewable morphines?

Marge:
There's no such thing.

Homer:
[from another room] Marge, the boy's wasting valuable time. Come change the channel and pat my head.

Marge:
In a minute!

Homer:
But I'll miss Sheriff Lobo!

Grampa:
And get me a bottle of bourbon.

Marge:
Grampa, you know you can't have liquids after 3pm.

Grampa:
You can stir it into my mush. Either way, just gimme, gimme, gimme!

Lionel Hutz:
Hiring me as your attorney, you'll also recieve this free smoking monkey. [places a toy monkey with a cigarette in it's mouth on the desk]

Marge:
Mr Hutz.

Lionel Hutz:
Look... he's taking another puff!

Marge:
So how are things at home?

Bart Simpson:
We flushed the gator down the toilet, but it got stuck halfway and now we have to feed it.

[cuts to Grandpa fighting the gator with a toilet plunger]

Grampa:
I'll bet you want a piece of me. Well you ain't gonna get it, see!

[as he laughs, his false teeth fall out into the aligator's mouth who bites down and breaks the teeth]

Grampa:
[mumbling] Nurse! God darn it.

Troy McClure:
Tonight I'm going to you about the Juice Loosener.

[Troy grabs an orange and squeezes it against his eye until it bursts. All the juice pours into a glass beneath his face]

Troy McClure:
Until now, this was the only way to get juice from an orange.

[cuts to Homer, using the exact same method to get orange juice]

Homer:
You mean there's a better way?

Lionel Hutz:
And so ladies and gentlemen of the jury. I rest my case.

Judge Snyder:
Hmm. Mr Hutz. Do you realize you're not wearing any pants?

Lionel Hutz:
I... Ahh!

[David Crosby shakes his head in shame]

Lionel Hutz:
I move for a 'bad court thingy'.

Judge Snyder:
You mean a *mistrial?*

Lionel Hutz:
Yeah! That's why you're the 'judge' and I'm the 'law talking guy?'

Judge Snyder:
The *lawyer?*

Lionel Hutz:
Right.

Helen Lovejoy:
From now on, I'll use my gossip for good instead of evil.

[while Marge is in prison]

Milhouse Van Houten:
[opens his lunchbox] All right, baloney and cheese! What'd you get, Bart?

Bart Simpson:
Pack of sugar and peanut butter smeared on a playing card.

Nelson Muntz:
Ha-ha! Your mom's a jailbird!

Bart Simpson:
So's yours.

Nelson Muntz:
Oh, yeah... let's play!

[Homer needs to leave the house in a hurry]

Bart:
You're right, Dad. We don't need a babysitter.

Homer:
Wait a minute!

[He takes a card out of his pocket and reads it:
"Always Do Opposite Of What Bart Says"]

Homer:
You kids DO need a babysitter!

Bart:
Blast that infernal card!

Ruth Powers:
[returning a power sander] Thanks, Marge. When my husband left he took all our power tools... along with the car, my youth, my faith in mankind... well, see ya.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, please, you know how hard it is for me to make friends.

[Flashback:
Marge is seated in the living room, having tea with a group of ladies, laughing]

Marge's Friend:
Oh Marge, we should do this every week.

[Homer runs in wearing Bermuda shorts and a "NO FAT CHICKS" t-shirt and carrying a skunk]

Homer:
Marge, I got sprayed by this skunk!

[splutters]

Homer:
Oh look, it's doing it again!

[screaming, the women scatter]

[Homer's arms are stuck in pair of vending machines]

Repairman 1#:
Homer, there's no easy way to tell you this: I'm afraid I'm gonna have to saw your arms off.

Homer:
They'll grow back, right?

Repairman 1#:
Oh... yeah.

[He cranks up the rotary saw and moves it toward Homer's arm... ]

Repairman 2#:
Wait a minute. Homer, are you just holding on to the can?

Homer:
Your point being...?

Ruth Powers:
I envy you and Homer.

Marge Simpson:
Thank you!

[pause]

Marge Simpson:
Why?

Ruth Powers:
If you met my ex-husband you'd know. All he did was sit around, watch TV and drink beer.

Marge Simpson:
Your point being...?

[Ruth arrives to pick up Marge, driving a convertible and wearing a leather jacket]

Marge Simpson:
You look... nice.

Ruth Powers:
Tonight has nothing to do with nice, Marge. Tonight is all about...

[she pops a tape into the stereo:
Lesley Gore's "Sunshine, Lollipops..." starts playing]

Ruth Powers:
Oh, sorry, Marge, wrong tape.

[she pops another tape in:
Guns 'N Roses's "Welcome to the Jungle" blares, and she floors it]

[as Ruth takes off]

Chief Wiggum:
Yessir, looks like we got ourselves an old-fashioned car chase!

[he pops a tape into his stereo. Lesley Gore starts singing:
"Sunshine, Lollipops, and..."]

Chief Wiggum:
[singing along] Rainbows, everything that's wonderful is what I feel, when we're together! Brighter than a lucky penny, when you're near dear, the rain clouds disappear, dear, and I feel so fine, just to know that you are mine!

[Homer, riding in the backseat, also sings along]

[Wiggum's car plunges into a landfill]

Chief Wiggum:
And to think, those stupid environmentalists were protesting this landfill.

Homer:
Solid waste. I could kiss you.

[kiss it]

Homer:
EWWW...

[kisses it]

Homer:
OOH...

[kisses it]

Homer:
BLECH...

[kisses it]

Homer:
OOH, I think this was pizza...

Kent Brockman:
At the risk of editorializing, these women are guilty, and must be dealt with in a harsh and brutal fashion. Otherwise, their behavior could incite other women leading to anarchy of biblical proportions.

[pause, pounds desk]

Kent Brockman:
It's in "Revelations", people.

Bart Simpson:
Make me write something on the chalkboard a thousand times.

Edna Krabappel:
We all got tired of that chalkboard years ago.

Lindsey Naegle:
Children are the future. Today belongs to me!

Mr. Burns:
I love children, particularly their young supple organs.

[whistle sounds; Homer slides down the power plant into his car, drives away, and sings to the tune of "The Flintstones"]

Homer:
Simpson, Homer Simpson. He's the greatest guy in history. From the town of Springfield, he's about to hit a chestnut tree. AAH!

[crashes into a chestnut tree]

Leonard Nimoy:
My job here is done.

Barney Gumble:
What do you mean? You didn't do anything.

Leonard Nimoy:
[chuckles] Didn't I?

[gets "beamed" away, a la "Star Trek"]

[the out-of-control Monorail has been temporarily halted by a solar eclipse]

Leonard Nimoy:
A solar eclipse. The cosmic ballet goes on.

Man:
[sitting next to Leonard Nimoy and starting to get a little freaked out by him] Does anyone want to switch seats?

Marge:
My name is Marge Simpson and I have an idea. It may sound a little boring at first.

Mayor Quimby:
Chat away. I'll just amuse myself with some pornographic playing cards.

[Homer can't stop the monorail]

Marge:
Homer, there's a man here who thinks he can help you.

Homer:
Batman?

Marge:
No, he's a scientist.

Homer:
Batman's a scientist.

Marge:
It's NOT Batman.

Homer:
Marge, I wanna be a monorail conductor.

Marge:
Homer, no.

Homer:
It's my lifelong dream!

Marge:
Your lifelong dream was to run out onto the field during a baseball game, and you did it last year, remember?

[Points to a framed newspaper reading "IDIOT RUINS GAME - Springfield forfeits pennant"]

Homer:
Donuts - is there anything they can't do?

[Homer and Marge discuss the dangers of a monorail]

Marge:
What if something goes wrong?

Homer:
Pffft... what if. What if I'm taking a shower and I slip on a bar of soap? Oh my god, I'd be killed!

Mayor Quimby:
And now, I'd like to turn things over to our Grand Marshall, Mr. Leonard Nimoy.

Leonard Nimoy:
[referring to the monorail] I'd say this vessel could do at least Warp Five.

[crowd laughs]

Mayor Quimby:
And let me say, "May the Force be with you."

Leonard Nimoy:
[annoyed] Do you even know who I am?

Mayor Quimby:
I think I do. Weren't you one of the Little Rascals?

[Suggestions on how to spend Mr. Burns' $3 million]

Apu:
Pardon me, but I would like to see this money spent on more police officers. I have been shot eight times this year, and as a result, I almost missed work.

Chief Wiggum:
Crybaby.

Marge Simpson:
[Marge opens a closet in the monorail] Homer, there's a family of opossums in here!

Homer:
I call the big one Bitey.

Homer:
Are we gonna die son?

Bart:
Yeah. But at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

Sebastian Kobb:
[showing Marge North Haverbrook's monorail] This is all that's left of one of the crappiest trains ever built.

Marge Simpson:
[worried] Mr Kobb, what can we do?

Sebastian Kobb:
You just better have a damn good conductor.

[cuts to the monorail where Homer is clattering a metal wire over the monorail door]

Homer:
Ohh, I locked my keys in there!

[to Bart]

Homer:
Get a rock.

Mayor Quimby:
All right, I'm in charge here.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, run along, Quimby. I think they're dedicating a phone booth somewhere.

Mayor Quimby:
Watch it, you talking tub of donut batter.

Chief Wiggum:
Hey, I got pictures of you, Quimby.

Mayor Quimby:
You don't scare me, that could be anyone's ass. Now beat it! I'm calling the shots.

Chief Wiggum:
I think that sash is cutting off the air to your brain! The town charter says, in an emergency I run the show!

Mayor Quimby:
Well, we'll just see about that! Let's go to Town Hall!

Chief Wiggum:
Fine!

[then]

Chief Wiggum:
Should we take one car, or should I follow you?

Judge Snyder:
Mr. Burns, in light of your unbelievable contempt for human life, this court fines you $3million.

Montgomery Burns:
Smithers, my wallet's in my right front pocket. [Smithers hands over the money] Oh, and I'll take that statue of justice too.

Judge Snyder:
Sold!

Marge Simpson:
Well, I think we should spend the money on something the whole town can be proud of.

Homer:
Like a giant billboard that says "No fat chicks"?

Marge Simpson:
No.

Marge:
[at the town meeting] Ooh, it looks like everyone in Springfield showed up for this. [cut to a group of burglars breaking into various houses]

Snake:
Could this town be any stupider?

Mayor Quimby:
Order! Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.

Homer:
Get to the money!

Mayor Quimby:
In a moment. First, let's review the minutes from our last meeting.

Apu:
Get to the money!

Rev. Lovejoy:
Get to the money!

Grampa Simpson:
Get to the moneeey!

Mayor Quimby:
Very well. We will now hear suggestions for the disbursement of the $2million.

Lisa Simpson:
Don't you mean $3million?

Mayor Quimby:
Of course. How silly of me.

Homer:
[driving the car with a giant piano strapped to the top, therefore the total weight seriously damaging the road] Whoo-hoo! Look at that pavement fly!

Homer:
[after the monorail song has just finished] Mono... D'oh!

Maude Flanders:
Excuse me, we could use the money to hire fireman to finally put out that blaze on the east side of town.

Homer:
Boring!

TV announcer:
Coming soon, it's "Truckasaurus: The Movie", starring Marlon Brando as the voice of John Truckasaurus.

John Truckasaurus:
You crazy car, I don't know whether to eat you or kiss you.

TV disclaimer:
Celebrity voice impersonated.

Montgomery Burns:
[very badly disguised with a fake moustache] Hello, my name is Mr. Snrub. And I come from, uh... someplace far away.

Montgomery Burns:
[to himself] Yes, that'll do.

Montgomery Burns:
[back to Mayor Quimby] Anyway, I say we invest that money back in the nuclear plant.

Waylon Smithers:
I like the way Snrub thinks. [everyone looks suspiciously at Mr. Burns, then Smithers fires a rope a the roof, helping Mr. Burns to escape]

Kent Brockman:
[to the TV camera] Here's country singing sensation Lurleen Lumpkin, fresh from her latest day at the Betty Ford Clinic.

Kent Brockman:
[to Lurleen] What you been up to Lurleen?

Lurleen Lumpkin:
I spent last night in the ditch.

Kent Brockman:
[to the TV camera] How about that, folks?

Marge:
I still thing we should have used the money to fix Main Street.

Homer:
Well, you should have written a song like that guy.

Homer:
Ah, Andy Capp, you wife-beating drunk.

[about the $3 million fined from Mr. Burns]

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, what a boon it could be for our underfunded public schools.

[in Lisa's fantasy]

Miss Hoover:
Children, it's time for your history lesson. Put on your virtual reality helmets.

[the children do]

Genghis Khan:
Hmm, excellent... hello, Lisa! I'm Genghis Khan! You'll go where I go, defile what I defile, eat who I eat!

[as the monorail speeds out of control]

Krusty the Clown:
Krusty wants out! [He wrenches open the door and starts to drop to his death]

Leonard Nimoy:
[pulls him back] No! The world needs laughter.

Airline Pilot:
[over PA] Folks, this is your captain speaking. Our nonstop flight to Tahiti will be making a brief layover in North Haverbrook.

Lyle Lanely:
[sitting in first class, sipping a martini] North Haverbrook... where have I heard that name before? [realizes] Oh, no... OH, NO!

North Haverbrook Man:
[as the plane lands] There he is! Seat 3-F!

[as soon as the plane touches down, a lynch mob rushes on board]

Lyle Lanely:
You know, a town with money is a little like the mule with the spinning wheel. No one knows how he got it and danged if he knows how to use it. [crowd laughs]

Homer:
He heh... mule.

Lyle Lanely:
The name's Lanely! Lyle Lanely. And I come before you good people tonight with an idea. Probably the greatest... Aw, it's not for you. It's more of a Shelbyville idea. [starts to walk out of the room]

Mayor Quimby:
[at the podium] Now wait just a minute! We're twice as smart as the people of Shelbyville. You just tell us your idea and we'll vote for it!

Lyle Lanely:
All right. I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll show you my idea. [runs over to a display covered by a sheet, and he whips it off, revealing a diorama of Springfield with a monorail model going through it] I give you the Springfield Monorail! [crowd gasps] I've sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook, and by gum I've put them on the map! [holds up a map of the U.S. with those towns' names drawn on with pen]

Lyle Lanely:
[begins to chant rhythmically] Well sir, there's nothing on Earth like a genuine, bona-fide, electrified, six-car monorail! What'd I say? [points at Ned Flanders]

Ned Flanders:
Monorail!

Lyle Lanely:
What's it called?

Patty Bouvier, Selma Bouvier:
Monorail.

Lyle Lanely:
That's right, monorail! [runs up to the stage, the crowd begins chanting]

Crowd:
Monorail. Monorail. Monorail. [continues underneath those who speak]

Miss Hoover:
I hear those things are awfully loud.

Lyle Lanely:
[playing the piano on stage] It glides as softly as a cloud.

Apu:
Is there a chance the track could bend?

Lyle Lanely:
Not on your life, my Hindu friend.

Barney Gumble:
What about us brain-dead slobs?

Lyle Lanely:
You'll be given cushy jobs.

Grampa Simpson:
Were you sent here by the devil?

Lyle Lanely:
No, good sir, I'm on the level.

Chief Wiggum:
The ring came off my pudding can.

Lyle Lanely:
Take my pen knife, my good man. I swear, it's Springfield's only choice! Throw up your hands and raise your voice!

Crowd:
[singing] Monorail...

Lyle Lanely:
[speaking] What's it called?

Crowd:
[singing] Monorail...

Lyle Lanely:
Once again!

Crowd:
[still singing] Monoraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaail!

Marge:
But Main Street's still all cracked and broken.

Bart:
Sorry, Mom, the mob has spoken!

Crowd:
[heading outside to the front steps while singing] Monorail... Monorail... Monoraaaaaaaaail! MONORAIL!

Homer:
Mono - D'oh!

Marge:
And that was the only folly the people of Springfield ever took on... Except for the Popsicle stick skyscraper, and that 50 ft magnifying glass, and the escalator to nowhere.

[people yelping as they fall off of the escalator]

Lyle Lanely:
So in conlusion, Mono means one and rail means rail.

Otto:
[Before being beheaded] I told you I was a dude!

Agnes Skinner:
[after the executioner misses with the axe] Swing and a miss! Oh, I'm ninety-five, you could use a butter knife for Godsake! [after being beheaded] Don't just stand there! Bury me!

Marge Simpson:
[after smothering Homer] See ya in Hell, fat man!

Homer Simpson:
I don't know why I sold you to him!

Lenny:
At last, the Pacific Ocean!

Lisa Simpson:
That's a mud puddle.

Lenny:
Some of us find solutions instead of looking for problems.

Bart Simpson:
Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.

Marge Simpson:
Its your brother who keeps us in lead based face powder! [Applies powder and becomes woozy] Oooooh!

Carl Carlson:
We'll never forget you, Pocahontas.

Lisa Simpson:
Sacagawea!

Carl Carlson:
Gesundheit.

Bart Simpson:
[Bart, as the boy Mozart, is accepting an award as Outstanding Composer Age 10 and Under"] I want to see you all next week at my concert in KRAKOW! [as he says this, he turns and "moons" the audience]

Rick Sanchez:
Little tip, Morty. Never clean DNA vials with your spit.

Bart Simpson:
[after Rick and Morty horribly mutate the Simpsons] No more guest animators, man!

Groundskeeper Willie:
[about a Roomba cleaning the school halls] What's that?

Principal Skinner:
We didn't want to leave you out of the digital revolution. Willie, meet your new supervisor.

Groundskeeper Willie:
You mean I have to take orders from a machine?

Principal Skinner:
Well, it can't speak, but should it ever, yes.

Bart Simpson:
No one told me there would be math!

Lisa Simpson:
We said there would be nothing but math. And your our math team captain.

Bart Simpson:
I thought I wouldn't have to do anything, like an Italian cruise captain.

Luigi Risotto:
You're lucky that captain isn't here right now to answer your insult! He'd crash his ship right into your house!

Homer Simpson:
[after Bart uses him to solve a math problem] Woo-hoo! I'm a solution!

Superintendent Chalmers:
I think it's safe now to put on your mathlete t-shirts.

Nelson Muntz:
[Riding a taxi] Wait here. [Gets off and punches Database on the arm, then gets back on] To the model UN and step on it. Haw-haw!

Superintendent Chalmers:
Skinner, you did connect all the computers to surge protectors, right?

Principal Skinner:
Yes, power strips.

Superintendent Chalmers:
You fool! All surge protectors are power strips but not viceversa!

Miss Hoover:
The teacher's union will not stand for this.

Principal Skinner:
It'll mean less work for you.

Miss Hoover:
Really? I didn't think I could do less work.

Professor Frink:
And now, someone who really loves math...

Krusty the Clown:
Math? I thought they said meth. Drug reference!

Professor Frink:
Do you even know what you're here for?

Krusty the Clown:
What's to know? They send a limo, I get in, it takes me somewhere, I turn on the news to see what I did.

Homer Simpson:
I feel like Beethoven after Charles Grodin accepted him as his pet.

Mr. Burns:
[after a power surge] Was that us?

Waylon Smithers:
No, sir.

Mr. Burns:
[Chuckles] I love it when it's not us.

Homer Simpson:
Don't you have school?

Bart Simpson:
Don't you have work?

Homer Simpson:
Ah, touche.

Homer Simpson:
This is Red Barclay's shipment, on time as always.

Dockmaster:
Alright, let's see... Artichokes aaand migrant workers. Looking good.

Homer:
Hey, shouldn't you be at school?

Bart:
Shouldn't you be at work?

Homer:
Ah, touche.

Mark Hamill:
Hey, thanks, everybody. You know, I'm here today as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see here, you stand up to save up to seventeen cents a month over the more dependable providers.

Database:
Talk about Star Wars.

Homer:
Shut up you stupid nerds, he's trying to save you money on long distance calls.

Mark Hamill:
Hey, pal, that's my face up there next to the pepper steak, and don't you forget it.

Louie:
You're all talk, Hamill. You never even finished Jedi school.

Mark Hamill:
[singing to the tune of "Luck Be A Lady"] Luke be a Jedi tonight. Just be a Jedi tonight. Do it for for Yoda, while we serve our guests a soda.

Mark Hamill:
[singing from guys and dolls, dressed as Luke Skywalker] Luke, be a Jedi tonight. Just be a Jedi tonight. Do it for Yoda while we serve our guests some soda. And... uh... do it for Chewie and the ewoks. And all the other puppets. Luke, be a Jedi tonight.

Mark Hamill:
Homer, use the for...

Homer:
The Force?

Mark Hamill:
The forks, use the forks!

Homer:
Oh...

Homer:
Mayor? Fat Tony asked me to give you this.

[Homer grabs Mayor Quimby and kisses him]

Mayor Qumby:
You moron! That's the kiss of death!

Homer:
Oh, no! Wait, maybe I didn't do it right!

Homer:
Password.

Bart:
We just want to get a snack from the fridge.

Homer:
Access denied!

Bart, Lisa:
But Da...

[Homer uses a sleeper hold on Bart and Lisa knocking them out]

Marge:
Homer! I don't want you using your new sleeper hold on the children!

Homer:
They be OK in half an hour.

Marge:
And another thing, I asked you to take out the garbage three days agos and it's still... ngghhh.

[Homer uses his sleeper hold on Marge]

Homer:
[Homer looks at his watch] Hmm, dinner is not for another half hour. Gahhh!

[Homer uses his sleeper hold on himself and bangs his head on the dinner table while falling to the floor]

[Homer uncovers a scheme to supply low-grade milk to the school]

Homer:
They're milking rats! Milking rats!

Mayor Quimby:
[to Fat Tony] Rats? I'm outraged. You promised me dog or higher.

Homer:
I think I saw him in Rent, or Stomp, or Clomp, or some piece of crap.

[Homer is driving Mayor Quimby's limo]

Mayor Quimby:
Just remember... you represent the office of the mayor. So always comport yourself in a manner befitting - quick. Honk at that broad.

Mayor Quimby:
Oh, dear God. Can't this town go one day without a riot?

Bodyguard:
Who's going to protect you?

Mayor Quimby:
[points to Homer] HIM.

Homer:
WOOHOO!

Marge:
Homer, I don't think you were listening to what they just...

Homer:
I said "WOO. HOO."

[about to watch dinner theater]

Ned Flanders:
Dear Lord, please let tonight's production be better than Othello starring Peter Marshall.

Homer:
Are you sure this is a sci-fi convention? It's full of nerds!

Homer:
CRAP ON A CRUST!

Homer:
Why do you talk like that?

The Guy Who Always says "Yes":
I had a Stroke!

Ned Flanders:
[about coffee from a Thermos] Careful. It's hotter than a Fox News weather skank.

Nurse:
Let me explain from behind this cage. Now, your pills have become very expensive and no one could give a rat's ass about you. So after a lot of thought, we decided to let you go cold turkey. For those of you who will survive the night, we'll be having waffles.

Jasper Beardly:
Ooh waffles!

Grampa Simpson:
I didn't die in World War II just to be pushed around by some pill-hoarding hussy! I'm gonna fight this thing!

Old Jewish Man:
Agh, he's crazy, but what are you gonna do? He's young.

Homer Simpson:
[to the other prisoners in Louis' basement] And if elected as President of our small community, I will set out once and for all to discover how far we can go without it being gay.

[after Milhouse moves out of town, Skinner and Willie are shocked to learn that Bart and Lisa have become best friends]

Groundskeeper Willie:
It won't last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!

Principal Skinner:
You Scots sure are a contentious people.

Groundskeeper Willie:
You just made an enemy for life!

Bart Simpson:
Since he's been back, Milhouse has had three bloody noses and stepped in dog doo. It's always a party with that guy.

Homer Simpson:
[drunk] But I don't wanna go home. I'm not done talking to me.

Homer Simpson:
[Upon hearing of Apu and Manjula's wedding anniversary] That's great! I'm honoured to drink to Apu and uh... Apulina!

Bart Simpson:
Did your imaginary friend try to kill you?

Milhouse Van Houten:
No, Walter's been cool.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I'm bored. Let's go switch the heads of the Cosby kids.

Homer Simpson:
[after a woman gives him money thinking he is a beggar] Five bucks? I don't need your charity. I'll dance for my money! [Begins to dance while humming a belly dancing theme]

Kirk Van Houten:
Couldn't you get a fresh start by re-marrying your ex-husband?

Ralph Wiggum:
Hi, Bart! My nose makes its own bubblegum.

Homer Simpson:
Coke and Pepsi are the same thing! Wake up, people!

Yes Guy:
[Homer dressed as a bum enters an expensive store] Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! [Homer flashes his money] Oh ye-e-e-e-e-s!

Bart Simpson:
Hey Mouldylocks, Mom says I have to help you.

Bart Simpson:
I'm going to hit you so hard, it'll kill your family.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, you are my family.

Lisa Simpson:
[Thinking] Oh my God, my brother's my best friend!

Marge Simpson:
[Thinking] Diamonds! I can't believe he bought me diamonds!

Homer Simpson:
[Thinking whilst looking in the mirror] Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the baldest one of all?

Homer:
[Bart has offended Lisa, and he's surprised she's visibly angry at him after saying that nothing is wrong between them] Son, when a woman says nothing's wrong, it means everything's wrong. When a woman says everything's wrong, it means everything's wrong. And when a woman says that something *isn't* funny, you'd better not laugh your ass off!

Homer:
You are a useless old man. Name one thing you do for this family.

Grampa:
I take care of the baby.

Marge:
Where is the baby?

Grampa:
You left me with the baby?

[Springfield wants to use the football stadium for bull fighting.]

Lisa Simpson:
No! Bull-fighting is a cruel pseudo-sport!

Homer:
Lisa's right! It *is* a cool super-sport!

Homer Simpson:
With you at my side, this toast will do just what it's supposed to: steal focus from the bride.

Ricardo Bomba:
Well, here I am, about to start my new life in Springfield...

[Sees Homer drive off cliff]

Ricardo Bomba:
What an idiot! And now to say my catch phrase. Soon you will be mi...

[Crashes against cliffside]

Homer Simpson:
Here I have all this money, and I can't even use it to help the woman who gave birth to me.

Barney Gumble:
Why don't you buy stuff for your family and leave it where they can find it?

Homer Simpson:
That's brilliant! Just for that, you can help yourself to anything from this tree.

Barney Gumble:
But that's not the money tree.

Homer Simpson:
This is the tree where I hide my adult magazines. [Barney reaches inside, pulls out issues of The Economist]

Barney Gumble:
Whoa!

Bart Simpson:
You should treat yourself. You work hard for us, or at least you're out a lot.

Homer Simpson:
You're right. I have been acting like Telethon Jerry Lewis, when I should have been acting like rest-of-the-year Jerry Lewis.

Moe Szyslak:
Not so fast. Don't forget my cut.

Homer Simpson:
What cut?

Moe Szyslak:
Oh, I just go around saying that hoping it's applicable. Well, off I go again.

Charles Montgomery Burns:
[Playing a WWII game] Wait, I'm shooting at Nazis? That's not how I remember it.

Bart Simpson:
Question: who says potahto?

Homer Simpson:
Songwriters who are stuck on lyrics.

Lisa Simpson:
I can buy a digital converter for you.

Grampa Abraham Simpson:
Great! You can use the money we would have given to televangelists.

Lisa Simpson:
That's a lot of money. How long has the TV been out?

Jasper:
Ten minutes.

Lenny Leonard:
Homer's got a girlfriend!

Homer Simpson:
She's not my girlfriend. She's a girl I used to go out with and then married who used to be my friend.

Homer Simpson:
Could you use someone like me in your band?

Chris Martin:
Sure, Homer. Come on up, you can play tambourine.

Homer Simpson:
I said someone like me, I didn't say me.

Homer Simpson:
Well, there's no easy way to say it, kids. God hates us.

[about the Christmas lights Homer put up]

Bart Simpson:
It's craptacular.

Bart Simpson:
[holding up a present] Hocus pocus! Mucus pucas! My powers of deduction tell me you are getting a hand-made sweater, possibly... yellow.

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, make him stop!

Marge Simpson:
Bart, put down that yellow sweater.

Moe Szyslak:
Ah, sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Homer Simpson:
[drunk] Yeah. You're right, Moe. You're always, Moe.

[after Homer turns on the Christmas lights]

Bart:
It's craptacular.

Moe:
Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society.

Homer:
[drunk] Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe.

Bart:
Aren't we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know, the birth of Santa.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you won't believe what has happened. It's a miracle!

Homer Simpson:
Oh Marge. I don't want to hear any more about that silver polish.

Homer:
Greg and Amy, Greg and Amy, why don't you just *marry* Greg and Amy?

Island Native #1:
[looks to other island native] I told you we should have asked them

Bart:
Dad, are you licking toads?

Homer:
I'm not NOT licking toads.

Fred Rogers:
It's a beautiful day... to KICK YOUR ASS!

Bart Simpson:
YOU'RE watching PBS?

Homer:
I'm as surprised as you.

Betty White:
You don't have the moeny do you Homer?

Homer:
[shakes his head] Mm mm.

Betty White:
And you thought you could just stab your problems away?

Homer:
[nods his head] Mm hmm.

Homer:
Hey, what happened to all the shirtless girls you see in the geographical magazines?

Island Native #1:
[pointing to another island in the distance] All the naked woman are on that island.

Homer:
I'm gonna teach you about religion.

Islanders:
[chanting] Ooga-booga-ooga.

Oscar the Grouch:
Give us the money!

Elmo:
Elmo knows where you live!

Lisa:
Mom. Dad's on PBS.

Marge:
Mm? They don't show police chases, do they?

Homer:
[runs into church] Sanctuary. Sanctuary.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Oh, why did I teach him that word?

Mr. Burns:
Simpson. I've been reviewing your performance record, and it is appalling. It says here that you caused 17 meltdowns.

Bart:
I'm not Homer Simpson.

Mr. Burns:
I know who Homer Simpson is. Not only that, but you also sold plutonium to the Iraqis... with no mark-up.

[Homer donates 10000$ to PBS]

Marge:
[to Lisa] From now on, one of us stays home all the time.

Lisa:
Agreed.

[after finishing building a church]

Homer:
Look at what a wonderful prison we've built for God.

[Phone rings]

Rupert Murdoch:
Hello, Murdoch here... 10,000 dollars? You've saved my network.

Bart:
Wouldn't be the first time.

Homer:
Save me Jeebus!

PBS Pledge Drive Host:
It's easy to see why it's England's most long-running series - and we're showing all of them, all 7 episodes.

Homer:
If the Flintstones have taught us anything, it's that pelicans can be used to mix cement.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
My friends call me Bleeding Gums.

Lisa:
Eww, how'd you get a name like that?

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?

Lisa:
Yeah.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
Not me. I suppose I should go to one. But I've got enough pain in my life as it is.

Lisa:
I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer, whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing...

Mr. Largo:
Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of those unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
The blues isn't about feeling better. It's about making other people feel WORSE, and making a few bucks while you're at it.

Marge Simpson:
It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the outside that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you. And happiness will follow.

Bart Simpson:
I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. You can't prove anything.

Bleedin' Gums Murphy:
You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, get away from that jazzman! Nothing personal, I just fear the unfamiliar.

Bart Simpson:
Is Jacques there?

Moe Szyslak:
Who?

Bart Simpson:
Jacques, last name Strap.

Moe Szyslak:
Hold on. Jacques Strap! Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap!

Marge:
Bart's such a handful, and Maggie needs attention, but all the while, our little Lisa's becoming a young woman.

Homer:
Oh, so that's it, this is some kind of underwear thing.

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, I apologize to you, I was wrong! I take it all back. Always be yourself. If you want to be sad, honey, be sad. We'll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we'll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us.

Lisa:
[smiles] Okay, Mom.

Marge Simpson:
I said you could stop smiling, Lisa.

Lisa:
I *feel* like smiling.

[They embrace]

Homer Simpson:
You can't enjoy money when you're dead, so why not have fun now?

Marge Simpson:
Don't you think you've had enough fun? Last year you spent five thousand dollars on donuts, two thousand on scalp massages, five hundred on body glitter.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, I earned that money. While you lounge around here doing laundry and putting up drywall, I'm at work busting my hump.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, please! From what I hear, you waltz in there at ten thirty, take a nap on the toilet, then sit around Googling your own name until lunch.

Homer Simpson:
Who told you that?

Marge Simpson:
You shouted it while we were making love!

Lisa Simpson:
[looking at map] Let's see, the RV dealership is across the freeway on the corner of - -hey, this is a Flintstones Fun Map. Look, Dad wrote something: Dino, short for Dinosaur? Remember to ask Jeeves.

Fat Tony:
I haven't cried like this since I paid to see Godfather III.

Grampa:
[banging a slipper against a pot in a state of senility]

[shouts]

Grampa:
The Swedish are coming! The Swedish are coming!

Chief Wiggum:
Well, boys, it looks like we solved the mystery of the missing ham.

Marge:
You guys are the world's worst cops!

Chief Wiggum:
No, now that I'm off-duty, I'm the world's worst soccer coach.

Bart:
You could be my father figure.

Homer:
No way. I'm not getting my finger prints on that train wreck.

Homer Simpson:
...and that's why I don't believe there is a God. Thank you, and God bless America.

Bar Rag:
And by the way, that tapestry was me.

Sponge:
Yeah, right. And I'm the Guttenberg Bible.

Bar Rag:
[Being cradled by Moe while he sleeps] And so, my thousand year fall from grace is complete. But I guess it's not so bad. Here I have a certain comfort, if predictable...

[a hand grabs the rag]

Bar Rag:
Moe! Moe, wake up! I don't want to meet someone worse than you!

Bar Rag:
[Rolling in a drier] I'm in Hell... I'm in Hell... I'm in Hell... I'm in Hell...

Bar Rag:
[Ends up as Santa's Little Helper's blanket] At long last, this is true love. Sweet, pure and forever.

[Cut to Maggie and Santa's Little Helper fighting over the rag]

Bar Rag:
Well, all marriages have their ups and downs.

Lisa Simpson:
Even a boy with a Finding Nemo back brace has a little pride.

Bar Rag:
I was hung in a beautiful cathedral, where tapestries were considered rock stars. I was admired by what you now call gropies. I thought the good times known as the Dark Ages would never end, but then cruel fate came knocking at the door.

Bar Rag:
That was the first time I felt pain and anguish. Nothing can ever ease that painful memory. [a mug of beer spills and the rag soaks up the beer] Oh! Well, that helps. [Belch]

Homer Simpson:
[as a medieval peasant] So long, Marguerite. I'm off to fight in Flanders. Stupid Flanders.

Milhouse:
I'm not your puppet, Bart.

Bart Simpson:
I know. I made you into a real boy last week.

Milhouse:
And I will always be grateful for that, but it's time you treated me with some respect.

Krusty:
Kids, this Mother's Day, why don't you give your mother what she really wants?: a break from you!

Moe Szyslak:
Boy, this voice-over stuff is kiling me. Whatever they pay Don Pardo for this, it ain't enough.

Don Pardo:
I make more than you can possibly imagine, and I'm making it right now!

Moe Szyslak:
Where are you?

Bart Simpson:
Dad, what did mom mean when she said she had to take care of something?

Homer Simpson:
Son, I'm something of an expert on women, and if I've learned something is that they never mean anything about anything.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, that's a very dangerous attitude to have about your wife.

Homer Simpson:
Honey, I hear what you're saying.

Homer Simpson:
[whispering to Bart] Nothing.

Homer Simpson:
So, you were saying something?

Marge Simpson:
Why do I waste my breath?

Homer Simpson:
Sorry, honey. I wasn't listening, and I won't be listening now.

Homer Simpson:
Moe, my in-laws are coming, and I need something strong enough to make me forget I hate them but not so strong that I tell them I love them.

Homer Simpson:
The ferry will be here in ten minutes to take us home, then we'll know the truth.

Apu:
The truth!

Ralph Wiggum:
The roof!

Homer Simpson:
Well, when your wife came to Moe's, I was there being my usual, effervescent self. [Cut to Homer passed out on the bar]

Ned Flanders:
Marge brought me here to be the little angel on your shoulder to the 400 devils on the other.

Apu:
So it is you, Mr. Homer. I must admit, I was expecting it. A woman her age married to someone... How old are you? Sixty-five?

Homer Simpson:
Thirty-nine.

Apu:
Dear God! This day gets more and more disturbing.

Manjula:
I don't know why you listen to Sanskrit 93.7, The Dot?

Apu:
I like Mamud, Maheet and Badujin in the morning. No caste is safe from their merry japes.

Manjula:
Having a Ma-hot-ma or Ma-not-na contest is not a jape. It's sexist sacrilege.

Apu:
Well, you have so much in common: non-stop talk at drive time!

Manjula:
Take it back!

Apu:
I take it back.

Bart Simpson:
[Locking up Apu's kids in a cell at the Civil War fort] You Rebel punks make me sick! [cracks a whip] This is for what you Graybacks did to our boys at Andersonville!

Lisa Simpson:
When cruelty is involved, Bart sure knows his history.

Apu:
If only that mark on your forehead was an off button!

Reverend Lovejoy:
Helen and I are as happy as Adam and Eve before Eve munch us all to Hell.

Marge Simpson:
I'm still mad at you for last night.

Homer Simpson:
Today's the first, so that was last month, which means you're being ridiculous.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, don't drink and drive.

Homer Simpson:
Fine. I'll drive between sips.

Lisa Simpson:
That's Tom Wolfe. He uses more exclamation points than any American author.

Tom Wolfe:
It's true!

Gore Vidal:
I don't need your sycophantic laughter. I have some on tape.

[Plays tape]

Gore Vidal:
Ah, you still love me, Temple University class of 1987.

Moe Szyslak:
Ooh, you have clear water! Swanky!

Lisa Simpson:
Moe, you are a heartless jerk!

Moe Szyslak:
Whoa, where did that come from? Oh, right. My actions.

Michael Chabon:
You can't make this stuff up.

Jonathan Franzen:
Maybe you can't.

Michael Chabon:
That's it, Franzen! I think your nose needs some corrections!

[They fight]

Lenny Leonard:
Maybe you can interview me. I collect Absolute ads.

Lisa Simpson:
Do you have any others?

Lenny Leonard:
[shocked] There are others?

Tom Wolfe:
Moe, which writer has influenced you? Jack Kerouac? Chuck Bukowski? Me, Tom Wolfe?

Moe Szyslak:
Well, the last book I read was Superhound: the Guide to Dograce Betting. Any of you wetnaps wrote that?

Bart Simpson:
Hey, writers! The Da Vinci Code just sold another hundred copies! [writers moan; Bart laughs]

Moe Szyslak:
Here I am all depressed, when I'm surrounded by the happiest people in the world, writers.

Editor's Assistant:
[about Moe's poem] Chief, we just got a submission from a brilliant poet no one's ever heard of.

J. Jonah Jameson:
[reading it] Huh, huh. Hmmm! Genius! Pay him nothing and run it on the cover.

J. Jonah Jameson:
[picking up the phone] Stop the presses! Send my wife some flowers and bring me an advil! What do you mean you don't work for me? You're hired! Now that you're hired, you're fired! Now that you don't work here, we can be friends! Now that we're friends, how come you never call? Some friend you are!

J. Jonah Jameson:
[hangs up phone] God I love this business.

J. Jonah Jameson:
[turns off the TV] Aw, that's sweet. I hate sweet! I need photos! Photos of Spider-Man!

Editor's Assistant:
This is a a poetry journal!

J. Jonah Jameson:
Okay then, *poems* about Spider-Man. And I want them finished before you start. And before you finish, get me some coffee! And the poems should have the following rhyme scheme: A-B-B-A-A-B-B-A-C-D-E-C-D-E. What are you waiting for, Chinese New Year?

Astrid Weller:
Your husband's work is what we call "outsider art." It could be by a mental patient, a hillbilly or a chimpanzee.

Homer:
In high school I was voted most likely to *be* a mental patient, hillbilly or chimpanzee.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I hate these flood pants. [opens door and water comes in up to his ankles] Hey, they're working! My feet are soaked, but my cuffs are bone dry! Everything's comin' up Milhouse!

Homer:
Alright, let's see. Ew, English side ruined. Must use French instructions. Le Grill? What the hell is that?

Homer:
Why? Why must life be so hard? Why must I fail at every attempt at masonry?

Homer:
Astrid said the key to my art is anger, but you know me, I'm Mr. Mellow...

[Bart and Lisa look at each other]

Homer:
...so I'm giving you kids permission to get me mad. Come on, give me what you've got.

Lisa Simpson:
Well, if it'll help... um, mom found out her engagement ring is made of rock candy.

Homer:
[hits clay mold] Good work honey, keep it comin.'

Bart Simpson:
Well I'm flunking math, and the other day I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

[Homer screams hysterically]

Homer:
How about it Bart, would you like a new backyard BBQ pit?

Bart:
Can I burn evidence in it?

Homer:
We can *all* burn evidence in it.

[Homer floods the town as an art project]

Bart Simpson:
Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?

Homer:
That's for the courts to decide, son.

Ned Flanders:
The Lord has drowned the wicked and spared the righteous.

Maude Flanders:
Isn't that Homer Simpson?

Ned Flanders:
Huh, looks like Heaven is easier to get into than Arizona State.

Bart:
Dad, is this art or is it vandalism?

Homer:
That's for the courts to decide.

Homer:
English side ruined, must use French side... LE GRILLE? what the hell is that?

Homer:
[lying in a hammock, sings] You put the beer in the coconut and drink it all up, you put the beer in the coconut and throw the can away.

[the can hits Flanders on the head]

Ned Flanders:
Homer.

Homer:
[sings] You throw the can away.

[Another can hits Ned]

Ned Flanders:
I said, Homer.

Homer:
[singing] I'm shavin' my shoulders.

Homer:
Not my fault. Act of god.

Marge Simpson:
Homie, I'm really happy you sold your sculpture, but don't you think it may have been a fluke?

Homer:
Hey, I've always had an interest in art, dating back to my schoolgirl days when I pained portrait after portrait of Ringo Starr.

Marge Simpson:
That's my life you're describing!

Homer:
I think I remember my own life, Marge.

Bart Simpson:
Rumble it is! Right after school! Rain or shine! [Cut to everyone waiting in the rain] So we wait for shine then? [All agree]

Marge Simpson:
Why do you have to eat peanuts in the shower?

Homer Simpson:
Can't start the day without that fresh-from-the-circus feeling.

Marge Simpson:
We used to call ourselves the Cool Moms.

Bart Simpson:
There is nothing cooler than calling yourself cool.

Homer Simpson:
So, seen any good beer commercials lately?

Man:
Asinine! Everything you say is asinine!

Comic Book Guy:
The answer is no, and I can say it in Na'vi and Klingon, which are pretty much the same. I have some theories about that, which I will share with you never.

Homer Simpson:
Ooh, this is late for Marge... I assume. I've never been home at this hour.

Martin Prince:
[Tears his shirt in rage] Rumble!

Nelson Muntz:
Just go home.

Martin Prince:
[meekly] Thank you.

Groundskeeper Willie:
You call that a scar? This is a scar!

Nelson Muntz:
That's a bellybutton. Everybody's got one.

Groundskeeper Willie:
[sad] I thought I was special.

Nelson Muntz:
[Sprays Gatorade on Mrs. Krabappel after a dogeball game]

Edna Krabappel:
Hey! I'm not the coach!

Nelson Muntz:
I know... I just wanted to see if you were wearing a bra.

Edna Krabappel:
[Put a hand to her chest and smile at Nelson]

Bart Simpson:
Maggie's thing? She won't even remember it.

Marge Simpson:
You never remember the nice things we do for you.

Bart Simpson:
Like what?

Marge Simpson:
Food.

Bart Simpson:
Pass!

Marge Simpson:
Shelter.

Bart Simpson:
That dump?

Marge Simpson:
Clothing.

Bart Simpson:
I wouldn't blow my nose on this! [takes off sweater and throws it in the trash]

Lisa Simpson:
I want a poodle!

Marge Simpson:
I'd stay away from poodles. They give the dog... ideas.

Lisa Simpson:
I hear something in the kitchen.

Homer Simpson:
That's where the food sleeps!

Homer Simpson:
My mother's dead.

Grampa Simpson:
I'm still with you, son.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, it just gets worse and worse.

Apu:
She may have been reincarnated into that baby, or that mouse on the nacho cheese.

Ned Flanders:
People are not mice!

Apu:
Oh, big surprise. Joe Jesus Jr. here to set us all straight.

Ned Flanders:
No one comes back as anything, except for Jesus as bread, and that's it.

Homer Simpson:
Oh. [leaves dejected]

Apu:
That's the problem with your religion. Everything's a bummer.

Ned Flanders:
Even the sing-alongs?

Apu:
No, the sing-alongs are fine.

Mona Simpson:
Homer, if you're watching this, either I'm dead, or you've gone through my stuff. If I'm dead, this is my video will; if not, please keep away from my stuff.

Mona Simpson:
To Lisa, I give something not even the government can take from you: my rebellious spirit.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, grandma. I accept your gift.

Bart Simpson:
Lisa got nothing! Lisa got nothing!

Mr. Burns:
Well, well. Who do we have here?

Man:
That's what clogged up the launch.

Mr. Burns:
Well, hello. Maybe in a different time, you and I could have gone out.

Man:
Sir, you know that's just a bag of ashes.

Mr. Burns:
I've seen your wife. She's no Mamie Van Doren.

Moe Szyslak:
I like creating disappointment. You know that little moment when people's hope dies? I feed on that.

Marge Simpson:
[watching Lisa practice fencing to get into Harvard] Sweetie, you could still go to McGill, the Harvard of Canada.

Lisa Simpson:
Anything that's the "something" of the "something" isn't really the "anything" of "anything".

Lisa Simpson:
Bottom line: I need an extracurricular activity, and no one else will coach you loveable losers.

Bart Simpson:
We're not losers! Last year we finished six and five.

Nelson Muntz:
And we're not loveable. We had a tall freckle-faced kid on the team that we picked on 'til he quit.

[to tall, freckled kid walking down the street]

Nelson Muntz:
Hey, Splatterface! How's the weather up there?

[Kid leaves downhearted]

Nelson Muntz:
It's too bad, 'cause he's a great hitter, but it's worth it.

Nelson Muntz:
Hey, get a room, you two.

Lisa Simpson:
We're brother and sister.

Milhouse Van Houten:
So are my parents, I think.

Professor Frink:
Baseball is a game played by the dextrous, but only understood by the pointdexterous.

Lisa Simpson:
I was wondering if you and your friends could tell me about baseball strategy.

Moe Szyslak:
The only thing I know about strategy is that everything the manager does is crap. Unless it works, in which case he's a button pusher.

Lenny:
I hate people who just push buttons all day.

Carl:
You just push buttons all day.

Lenny:
You know, ever since Obama came in, you have all the answers, don't you?

Bart Simpson:
[Taking off his uniform] Here's my uniform, since I won't be needing it anymore.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo! Underpants dinner! [Starts taking off shirt]

Marge Simpson:
No, it's not!

Marge Simpson:
[Dejected] Oh.

Lisa Simpson:
I need another player. Ralph is too juiced.

Ralph Wiggum:
[surrounded by juice boxes] I didn't know what I was putting into my body.

Marge Simpson:
Baseball manager Mike Scioscia! Didn't you get radiation poisoning working at the nuclear plant?

Mike Scioscia:
I sure did, but it also gave me super-managerial powers. Also, I demagnetize credit cards.

Lisa Simpson:
Managers manage, and players play.

Ralph Wiggum:
Do alligators alligate?

Lisa Simpson:
I don't know! Yes!

Ralph Wiggum:
I'm scared!

Baseball Announcer:
And now on to my off season job, household robber. I'll be seeing you, but you won't see me until it's too late.

Nelson Muntz:
What's a babe like her doing with a brown banana like Skinner?

Bart Simpson:
Maybe she's one of those sexy school supply company reps.

Milhouse Van Houten:
If that is true, then where's her suitcase with wheels, Bart? Where's her suitcase with wheels?

Nelson Muntz:
She can do the kind of math that has letters. Watch. What's X, Lisa?

Lisa Simpson:
Well, that depends...

Nelson Muntz:
Sorry. She did it yesterday.

Homer Simpson:
[answering front door] Hello, Flanders. Don't you have a neighbor on the other side?

Ned Flanders:
Indeedily-doodily I do, and I love him just as much as you. It's a Flanders sandwich with great neighbor bread!

Homer Simpson:
[groans]

Marge Simpson:
Why do you say such ridiculous things?

Homer Simpson:
They sound good in my brain, then my tongue makes not the words sound very good, formally.

Bill James:
I made baseball as much fun as doing your taxes.

Mr. Burns:
[asking Homer how he can let people like him] Simpson! I want to be loved again.

Homer:
Well, I'll need some beer.

Burns:
Uh, Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved.

Homer Simpson:
I see. Well... I'll need some beer.

Marge Simpson:
When was the last time we went for a good old-fashioned family walk?

Homer Simpson:
Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, come on. Let's go for a walk. This family is getting so lazy.

Bart Simpson:
I'm not lazy. I'm just... um, uh. Lisa, finish my sentence for me.

Lisa Simpson:
Why don't you finish your own darn... [snores]

Homer Simpson:
Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt. All this fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.

Marge Simpson:
All this commotion just for a store?

Homer Simpson:
Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore. Mega means good, and store means thing.

Burns:
And a stunt like that impresses people?

Homer Simpson:
Oh yeah, and I'm not easily impressed. Woah, a blue car!

Burns:
If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time.

Homer Simpson:
A sober Irishman?

Burns:
Even rarer.

Mr. Burns:
[after draining Lake Loch Ness, he sees something resembling it] That's it! I see the monster!

Groundskeeper Willie:
[once all the water is drained] Nay! That's merely a Loch Ness discarded Homecoming float.

Homer:
[they walk into the drained lake and Homer sees, STOMP ABERDEEN inscribed on it] No way! Aberdeen rules! [the real Loch Ness Monster appears, crushes the float and roars, Mr. Burns, Homer, Groundskeeper Willie and Professor Frink all gasp. Homer looks at the Nessie like "Macarena Monster" doll, then looks at Nessie] God, it's him!

Mr. Burns:
Come on boys, overpower it. [Groundskepper Willie, Homer, and Professor Frink walk away, whistling] Fine. I'll do it myself. [takes off his coat and tie and rolls up his sleeves, the next thing you know, Nessie is being held in a net under the helicopter]

Groundskeeper Willie:
[in the helicopter] That was amazing, Mr. Burns.

Mr. Burns:
I was most worried when he swallowed me, but then, well, you know the rest. And now for my triumphant return to Springfield!

Homer:
[after Mr. Burns got blinded by camera flashes at the unveiling of the Loch Ness Monster and accidentally set the stage on fire] If you wanted people to love you. You sure blew it with that insane rampage. But you know what? To be loved you have to be nice to people. Every day. But to be hated, you don't have to do squat.

Mr. Burns:
You know, perhaps you're right. I got so swept up with the notion of being loved I completely forgot who I am. I'm a selfish old crank. And that fits me like a Speedo.

Homer:
[the Loch Ness Monster nuzzles Mr. Burns and Homer, sort of purring] So. What do we do with our friend here? Throw him in the dumpster?

Mr. Burns:
No, no, no. I really want to give the lovable scamp a good home.

Homer:
[cut to the Vegas Town Casino, where The Loch Ness Monster is wearing a tuxedo and bow tie, also half the size it originally was, Homer takes the free pull on a slot machine and results "jackpot, jackpot, lemon"] Doh!

Mr. Burns:
Tough luck. Simpson.

Homer:
Come on Nessie, one more pull. [Nessie kind of roars] Okay. Okay. Want a shrimp cocktail? [Nessie shakes its head] Yeah. They're not great.

Kent Brockman:
Monster fever has gripped Springfield by the throat. And it's all thanks to one man. Montgomery Burns has captured not only a legendary monster, but also our hearts. And by the way girls, he's single!

Selma Bouvier:
Single? Well, he passes the Selma test.

Marge:
And our kids are getting lazy.

Bart:
I'm not lazy, I'm... hey, Lisa, finish my sentence for me.

Lisa:
Why don't you finish your own darn...

[falls asleep, falls off couch]

Homer:
That guy impressed me and I am not easily impressed. Wow. A *blue car*.

Jerry Rude:
So, Monty, tell us when was your first gay experience.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, that was when I was 5. My father took me to the park, that was a gay old time.

Bart Simpson:
I need someone to dance with so I can zing my sister.

Edna Krabappel:
All right, but you'll have to do your homework. Just kidding. I've given up on you long ago.

Bart Simpson:
Just move your girdle, Yertil.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Lis. Your date just made the cover of Geek Monthly.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I know that's a zing, but still... the cover!

Homer Simpson:
If anyone needs my, I'll be taking a popcorn bath. It's a thing I read about in a men's health magazine in a dream I had.

Bart Simpson:
Come on, dad. You love New York, now that your two least favorite buildings have been obliterated; Old Penn Station and Shea Stadium.

Homer Simpson:
Lousy outdated relics.

Homer Simpson:
New York has sure changed since our ancestor Fievel came here.

Lisa Simpson:
Fievel was a mouse in a movie.

Homer Simpson:
Yes, now look at us. Only in America.

Homer Simpson:
You've learned a valuable lesson, son. Love doesn't exist except briefly between a man and a woman before marriage. After that, it's just hanging out with someone who kind of hates you, but you can't get it together to leave.

Mary Spuckler:
Tell me some news about Springfield.

Bart Simpson:
Well, they let Sideshow Bob out again. [Sideshow Bob sneaks up behind Bart, brandishing a knife; he is hit by a train] Huh. I didn't know they still ran those trains.

Marge Simpson:
Our search for culture is thus concluded / For which the bard of Avon is well suited / In a stage production with cell phones muted. Geez, I can't stop talking like that.

Mary Spuckler:
Bart, if any girl wants to change you, let her, because you have a lot of problems. But mostly you're great.

[kicking Walt Whitman's tombstone]

Homer:
Damn you, Walt Whitman! I-hate-you-Walt-freaking-Whitman! "Leaves of Grass", my ass!

Marge:
Homer!

Homer:
That's my name.

Marge:
When I asked you if you bought that dummy to fake your own death, you told me "no".

Mr. Burns:
My germs! My precious germs! They never harmed a soul! They never had the chance!

[after finding out the grave he thought was his mother's is Walt Whitman's]

Homer:
Maybe it's that other grave! The one that says "Simpson"!

[sees it's his own]

Homer:
AHH! Why does my death keep coming back to haunt me?

Abe Simpson:
[to Homer's mother] You were a horrible wife, a horrible mother, and I'll never forgive you! Can we have sex?

Chief Wiggum:
[reading a tombstone, talks into his "radio"] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R Dewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown.

Joe Friday:
That's Homer J Simpson, chief. You're reading it upside down.

Chief Wiggum:
Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, uh, gyros.

Joe Friday:
Uh, chief, you're talking into your wallet. [Chief Wiggum's wallet flips open]

Mr. Burns:
[in a tanker] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment. [puts an audio tape in which starts playing Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries" but then abruptly changes to ABBA's "Waterloo"]

Waylon Smithers:
I'm sorry, sir. I must've taped over that.

Mother Simpson:
Homer, no matter what, I just want you to remember that you have a mother, and she loves you very much

[the FBI breaks in looking for Mother Simpson]

Grampa:
All right! I admit it! I'm the Lindbergh baby! Wah wah! Goo goo! I miss my fly-fly dada!

Bill Gannon:
Are you stalling for time, or are you just senile?

Grampa:
A little from column A, a little from column B.

[on being reunited with his grandmother]

Bart Simpson:
Hey! You missed my entire childhood! You owe me for missed birthdays, Christmas, Kwanzaa, and good report cards. [punching numbers on a calculator] Let's see, 75 bucks a pop, with interest and penalties. You owe me... $22,000.

Homer:
[enraged] I'll Kwanzaa you!

[starts strangling Bart]

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, who was that corpse?

Waylon Smithers:
[choking up] Homer Simpson, sir. One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace Sector 7-G. [normal voice] I'll cross him off the list.

Mona:
[sings] How many roads must a man walk down / Before you can call him a man...

Homer:
Seven.

Lisa:
No, dad, it's a rhetorical question.

Homer:
OK, eight.

Lisa:
Dad, do you even know what "rhetorical" means?

Homer:
Do *I* know what "rhetorical" means?

Joe Friday:
Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office?

Mr. Burns:
Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal.

Waylon Smithers:
Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago.

Mr. Burns:
Of course you'd say that... you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter!

Mother Simpson:
[preparing to leave] Remember, Homer, wherever I go, you'll always be a part of me.

[she turns to the van and hits her forehead on the jam]

Mother Simpson:
D'OH!

Bart:
That dummy worked like a charm, dad.

Bart:
[muffled] what the hell is going on here?

Bart:
Where have you been, granny? They freeze you or something?

Bart:
Hey! Since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you own me years of back presents! Christmases, birthdays, easters, kwanzaas, good report cards. Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties. You own me... $22,000.

Bart:
What?

Bart:
Yeah, I don't trust her either. I was going through her purse. Look what I found.

Bart:
Spill it, muddy mae, or we're calling the cops!

Bart:
[gasp] Quick, grandma! Hide!

Bart:
Look at me, grandma. I'm a hippie. Peace, man. Groovy. Bomb vietnam! Four more years! Up with people.

Lisa:
This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens or Melrose Place.

Lenny:
We made it. And it's all thanks to teamwork.

Carl:
Yeah, *my* teamwork.

Smithers:
Sir, this can't be right. You assured me this drawing was rigged so we'd be teammates.

Mr. Burns:
Yes, well, frankly you've been a bit of a pill lately.

Smithers:
Why do we always fight on vacation?

Bart:
Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?

Homer:
Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter. But I think we have to go to the retreat anyway.

Homer:
[praying] Dear Lord, protect this rocket house and all those who dwell within the rocket house.

Smokey the Bear Robot:
Only who can prevent forest fires?

[out of choices "you" and "me", Bart presses "you"]

Smokey the Bear Robot:
You pressed "You" referring to me. The correct answer was you.

Homer:
You know, Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know. Way richer than Lenny.

Mr. Burns:
Yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

[Mr. Burns and Homer arrive at a snowy campsite]

Mr. Burns:
This propane tank will supply us with heat, and...

[Approaches front door]

Mr. Burns:
...this doorknob, when properly turned, will provide access to the cabin.

Lenny:
Did you hear something?

Carl:
No.

Lenny:
Hmm. Did I?

Carl:
I don't know!

Lisa Simpson:
Mr. Smithers! I found another hurt shrew.

Homer:
They're only snowmen, Mr Burns.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, snowmen have peepers! Peepers to watch...

Homer:
What do we do?

Mr. Burns:
Oh, wouldn't you like to know?

Faith Crowley:
Lisa, I'm Faith Crowley, Patriotism editor of Reading Digest.

Homer:
Oh I love your magazine. My favorite section is "How to increase your word power." That thing is really, really, really... good.

[Lisa wins an essay contest]

Homer:
Woo-hoo! Who woulda guessed reading and writing would pay off.

Homer:
What does the "I" stand for?

Tour Guide:
Important.

Homer:
Ah. And the "V"?

Tour Guide:
Very.

Homer:
One more question...

Tour Guide:
Person.

Homer:
I see. What does the "I" stand for again?

Lisa:
[at the Jefferson Memorial. Talking to the statue] Mr. Jefferson, I have a problem.

Thomas Jefferson:
I know your problem: the Lincoln Memorial was *too crowded*.

Lisa:
Yes, well...

Thomas Jefferson:
[referring to how empty his memorial is] No one ever comes to see me. Frankly, I don't blame them. *I* didn't do anything important. JUST the Declaration of Independence, the Louisiana Purchase, the dumbwaiter!...

Lisa:
Uh, maybe I should go... I seem to have caught you at a bad time...

[walks out]

Thomas Jefferson:
WAIT! Don't go!... I get so lonely...

[tumbleweed blows through]

[looking at the Washington Monument, Marge starts giggling]

Homer:
What's so funny?

[she whispers in his ear]

Homer:
Oh Marge, grow up.

[the Simpsons enter an American Legion post to see Nelson delivering the end of his "Patriots of Tomorrow" essay]

Nelson Muntz:
So burn the flag if you must, but before you do, you better burn a few other things! You better burn your shirt and your pants! Be sure to burn your TV and car! Oh yes, and don't forget to burn your house! Because none of those things could exist without six white stripes, seven red stripes, and a hell of a lot of stars!

[riotous applause]

[driving in a cab through Washington D.C]

Marge Simpson:
Look, the I.R.S.

Homer:
[out the window] BOO!

I.R.S. Employee:
[out his office window] Oh, boo yourself.

Total Disaster Insurance Man:
Now this place you were at, Moe's, is this a business of some sort?

Homer's Brain:
Don't tell him you were at a bar. But what else is open at night?

Homer:
It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Homer's Brain:
Heh, heh, heh. I would never have thought of that.

Homer:
[singing] Call Mr. Plow, that's my name, that name again is Mr. Plow.

Linda Ronstadt:
[singing] When the snow is a fallin theres a man you should be callin. That's KLD-796. Let it ring.

Barney, Linda Ronstadt:
Mr Plow is a loser, and I think he is a boozer, so you'd better make that call to the Plow King.

Homer:
[answers the phone] Mr. Plow, that name again is Mr. Plow.

Kumatsu Motors Man:
Hello, I'm calling from Delinquent Accounts at Kumatsu Motors.

Homer:
Oh, you want the Mr. Plow who plows driveways. This is Tony Plow, you know, from "Leave It To Beaver".

[pause]

Homer:
Yeah, they were gay.

Homer:
Now, we play the waiting game. [pause] Ahh, the waiting game sucks. Let's play Hungry Hungry Hippos!

Adam West:
[to Homer and Bart, regarding newer Batman movies] I never needed plastic molding to improve my physique.

[taps chest]

Adam West:
Pure West.

Homer:
It may be on a lousy channel, but the Simpsons are on TV!

Homer:
Lenny and Carl suck. Oh, don't tell them I said that Marge, because if I ever lost them as friends...

Homer:
If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things.

Barney:
[to Adam West] So long, Superman. Your secret identity is safe with me.

Homer:
There's a $10,000 bill in it for you.

Barney:
Oh yeah? Which president is on it?

Homer:
Um, all of them. They are having a party. Jimmy Carter is passed out on the couch.

Homer:
Are you tired of having your hands cut off by snowblowers, and the inevitable heart attacks that come with shoveling snow? Then call Mr. Plow at KLondike 5-3226. Call now, and receive a free t-shirt!

Lisa Simpson:
[During Mr. Plow Commercial] But I'm a real tight wad. Can I afford this remarkable system?

Homer:
Absolutely. My prices are so low, you'll think I've suffered brain damage.

Bart Simpson:
You are fully bonded and licensed by the city, aren't you Mr. Plow?

Homer:
[Under Breath] Shut up boy.

Krusty the Clown:
Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?

Mr. Burns:
Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?

Krusty the Clown:
A Russian hooker. You tell me.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.

Krusty the Clown:
I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

Marge Simpson:
Krusty! We came to see how many campaign promises you've kept.

Krusty the Clown:
Uh, let's see... did I promise to be a slave to big oil?

Marge Simpson:
No.

Krusty the Clown:
Well, then none.

Kent Brockman:
-When trying to convince the TV audience that it really is a live broadcast- How can I prove to you we're live? Penis!

Cletus:
He really speaks to me, the average Joe six-tooth.

Cletus's Wife:
When did you get another tooth?

Cletus:
The sidewalk.

Krusty the Clown:
Uh, just one thing. Are you guys any good at covering up any youthful and middle-aged indiscretions?

Mr. Burns:
Are these indiscretions romantic, financial, or treasonous?

Krusty the Clown:
A Russian hooker, you tell me.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, no problem. We'll say you were on a fact-finding mission.

Krusty the Clown:
I did find out one fact. She was a guy.

Elderly Congressman:
Why, this news make my blood boil, my left arm feel numb, my mouth taste of copper! Arrgggh!

[congressman collapses]

Marge:
He's had a heart-attack! Quick someone do CPR!

Homer Simpson:
[singing] I see a bad moon rising.

Marge:
No that's CCR!

Homer Simpson:
Errr...

[singing]

Homer Simpson:
Looks like we're in for nasty weather.

Kent Brockman:
[Doing a live newscast] How can I prove that we're live? Penis.

[the Simpsons' drywall collapses and Maggie crawls out of it]

Homer:
[in baby talk] Maggie. That's where you were, honey. You were hiding in the drywall, yes you were. Daddy's sure happy Social Services didn't see this, yes he is.

[Homer bursts into Congress, drunk]

Homer:
You call this a bicameral legislature?

Krusty the Clown:
Look at this list of words they wont let me say on the air.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, all the good ones. Hmm, I never even heard of number nine.

Krusty the Clown:
It's doing thirteen while she's elevening your five.

Mayor Quimby:
Are these morons getting dumber or just louder?

Quimby's Aide:
Dumber, sir.

Homer:
What? This is the highest tax increase in history!

Lisa:
Actually it's the lowest tax increase in history, dad.

Homer:
I pay the Homer tax. Let the bears pay the bear tax.

Lisa:
That's home owners tax, dad.

Homer:
Either way, I'm still outraged.

Homer:
We're here, we're Queer, and we don't want any more bears!

[Homer helps Apu study for his naturalization exam]

Homer:
[pointing to an American flag] Now, can you identify this object?

Apu:
It appears to be the flag which disappeared from the library last year.

Homer:
Correct!

Bart:
Hey Apu. Why don't you marry some American broad and then dump her after you get your citizenship?

Homer:
[Later] Selma my dear, how are you? Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Listen, shut up for a minute. How would you like to marry Apu so he doesn't get deported?

Selma:
I'd rather eat poison. My name is already Selma Bouvier Terwilliger Hutz McClure. God knows it's long enough without Nehassapassapena whatever. From now on I'm marrying for love and once again for money.

Homer:
Down with taxes! Down with taxes!

Helen Lovejoy:
Will someone please think of the children?

Chief Wiggum:
Book 'em, Lou.

[points to the bear]

Chief Wiggum:
One count of being a bear.

[points to Barney]

Chief Wiggum:
And one count of being an accessory to being a bear.

Examiner:
All right, here's your last question. What was the cause of the Civil War?

Apu:
Actually, there were numerous causes. Aside from the obvious schism between the abolitionists and the anti-abolitionists, there were economic factors, both domestic and inter...

Examiner:
Wait, wait... just say slavery.

Apu:
Slavery it is, sir.

Moe:
Yeah, you said it, Barn.

Homer:
Well, there's not a bear in sight. The Bear Patrol is sure doing its job.

Lisa:
That's specious reasoning, Dad.

Homer:
Thank you, sweetie.

Lisa:
Dad, what if I were to tell you that this rock keeps away tigers.

Homer:
Uh-huh, and how does it work?

Lisa:
It doesn't work. It's just a stupid rock.

Homer:
I see.

Lisa:
But you don't see any tigers around, do you?

Homer:
Lisa, I'd like to buy your rock.

Barney:
When I feel the urge to sober up, I just talk to my sponsor.

[turns to an invisible giant bunny]

White Rabbit:
Drink! Or I'll die.

Edna Krabappel:
Aww, that is the most romantic thing I've ever heard... which is kind of sad when you think about it.

Marge Simpson:
You're getting acid in the bed! I'm going to sleep on the couch.

Homer Simpson:
She sure loves that couch.

Comic Book Guy:
I adore Edna. She's near mint and comes from a very limited edition - females who will talk to me.

Dr. Hibbert:
Oh my goodness, it's Matt Groening!

Lenny Leonard:
Wow, the creator of 'Futurama'!

Carl Carlson:
We're your buddies! Now come on Homer's kid's principal, have a beer!

Lisa Simpson:
Grandpa, how do you sleep at night?

Grandpa:
They drug us.

Chief Wiggum:
Sorry to bother you, but we got an anonymous tip about loud music and a "strip-diddly-dipper"?

Moe Szyslak:
Thanks, guys, for getting me this job after destroying my bar. I'll never forget or forgive what you did for and to me. So thanks a lot. Also, thanks a lot!

Moe Szyslak:
[after Lenny and Carl leave] Oh, suddenly they're too good for me?

Homer Simpson:
Well, some people still act like they're still in grade school.

Moe Szyslak:
Oh, so now you're going to throw your grade school education on my face?

Homer Simpson:
You know what, Moe? You're a real jerk! I didn't mind it when it came with beer.

Moe Szyslak:
I don't need you. I'm all the company I need. [Sees reflection on tureen] Ugh! Suddenly I lost my appetite.

Marge Simpson:
You know, we've all be happier if we both quit our jobs.

Moe Szyslak:
You know what, Midge? You're right. I'm gonna rebuild my bar better than before. [Enters] Oh, my God! I don't remember it being this bad!

Russian Cab Driver:
So, you return from a hard day of taking our jobs to your lover.

Marge Simpson:
He's not my lover.

Moe Szyslak:
Let the man speak!

Grampa:
Mona, I'll always remember raspberry trolley cars, because my mind is shot.

Gil:
Now Lisa, would you agree that your grandmother is a sweet, harmless woman who could hardly be considered a menace to society?

Lisa Simpson:
If you ask me, she's less dangerous than Bart.

Bart Simpson:
If it please the court, I would like to go ape on my sister.

[Homer crashes into the police station]

Chief Wiggum:
All you destroyed were bricks, mortar, and attorneys!

Attorney:
Remember me... as a drain on society!

Homer Simpson:
Mom, I swear on your eventual grave, I will never, ever let the police get their hands on you!

[last lines; message in the paper for Homer]

Mother Simpson:
Homer. Your mother loves you. I escaped from the bus the moment before it plunged off the cliff. I then hitched a ride from a nice young couple. We had lunch at a lovely diner. They had clam chowder, Rhode Island style. I never knew there was such a thing! And the crackers kept on coming...

Lisa Simpson:
I say we hit them where they live. With a candlelight vigil.

Homer Simpson:
Candlepin bowling? That's a great idea. We'll play right after I break your grandmother out of prison.

[the prisoners are having a good time singing and laughing in the bus]

Female Prisoner:
I hope this bus ride never ends! Because I'm getting executed when I get off.

Montgomery Burns:
[inhaling ether] Man, that's good E!

Moe Szyslak:
Mrs. Simpson, when you took off, you left a hole in Homer's heart that he's been trying to fill with alcohol for 20 years. God bless ya!

[Homer and Bart are changing messages on a highway warning sign. A message comes up:
Stacey will you marry me?]

Homer Simpson:
Awww.

[Next message:
What do you mean 'no'?]

Homer Simpson:
Haha! Loser!

[Third message:
I hope your car blows up]

Homer Simpson:
Geez, pal.

Kent Brockman:
Captured 60s radical Mona J. Simpson goes on trial today on decades-old charges of sabotaging the Montgomery Burns germ warfare lab. For those of you too young to remember the 60's, here's our stock montage.

[as promised, scenes of peace rally/Vietnam protest, Nixon, the moon landing, Woodstock etc]

Kent Brockman:
What a shrill, pointless decade.

Homer Simpson:
[in the witness box] Now I'm not a man who's good with words...

[very long pause]

Homer Simpson:
I couldn't sleep because I thought there might be a sign of my mom in one of these articles. They never did find her body.

Bart Simpson:
Then what was in the coffin?

Homer Simpson:
Last week's garbage. I missed the pickup date.

Homer Simpson:
[to a sleeping Bart] Psst... hey pal. Hey buddy, wake up. Wanna go on an adventure with your old man?

Bart Simpson:
No...

Homer Simpson:
You have no choice. [camera pulls back to reveal they're already driving in the car]

Homer Simpson:
There's coffee in the thermos.

Chief Wiggum:
Listen to me lady; the only way you're getting off this mountain is in a box, or a funicular.

Lou:
What about a hot air balloon?

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, pipe down, Jules Verne.

Homer Simpson:
Sometimes, Marge, you just have to go with your gut.

Marge:
You *always* go with your gut. How about for once you listen to your brain?

FBI Agent:
[about Homer's mail] Most people write to movie stars, this guy writes to movies.

[reads letter]

FBI Agent:
Dear Die Hard, you rock. Especially the part where that dude is on the rooftop. P.S. Do you know Mad Max?

Chief Wiggum:
So long Lisa. If anything goes wrong, just dial 911. Unless it's an emergency.

Snake:
[Talking to the receptionist at Dr. Nick's clinic] Um, I must have, like, fallen on a bullet, and it like, drove itself into my gut.

Dr. Nick Riviera:
[the receptionist checks off "Liquor Store Robbery" on her checklist] Hey, don't worry. You don't have to make up stories here. Save that for court!

Lisa Simpson:
Hello, 911? This is Lisa Simpson...

Nurse:
Simpson? Look, we've already been down there tonight for a sisterectomy, a case of severe butt rot, and a leprechaun fight. How dumb do you think we are?

Lisa Simpson:
Enjoy Bob Saget.

Chief Wiggum:
That's Bob Seger.

[looks at his tickets]

Chief Wiggum:
Dang it!

[playing a religious board game]

Lisa Simpson:
Where are the dice?

Todd Flanders:
Daddy says dice are wicked.

Rod Flanders:
We just move one space at a time. It's less fun that way.

Comic Book Guy:
Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.

Bart Simpson:
All this years I've been petting lambs when I should have been shoving them in my mouth.

Kearney:
What's your name, spud-stain?

Bashir:
Bashir.

Kearney:
Bash here. I love a kid that comes with instructions.

Homer Simpson:
So, now that we're alone, death to America, right?

Bart Simpson:
Stupid angry mob chasing me for shining a harsh light on modern society. Now I know how Dane Cook feels.

Bart Simpson:
You can't just wail on some one because they're... what religion are you?

Bashir:
Muslim.

Bart Simpson:
Whoa boy!

Moe Szyslak:
Homer, this is serious. That Bashir kid is Muslim, and that means he's up to something.

Homer Simpson:
I really shouldn't pass judgment until I see a fictional TV show espousing your point of view.

Marge Simpson:
Remember our deal: we each get to return one Christmas gift with no hurt feelings. I'm returning this kitten calendar.

[Calendar has "from Bart" sticker on it]

Lisa Simpson:
Um, I'm also returning the kitten calendar.

Homer Simpson:
Kitten calendar.

[Maggie holds up calendar]

Bart Simpson:
But those are fifteen month calendars. That means three extra kittens. [He takes all the calendars] Fine. That's the last time I shop for all of you at the last minute.

Lisa Simpson:
I got a gift from Mapple! Such beautiful packaging. I never thought a company would be my soulmate.

Homer Simpson:
[about a banner that reads "Sorry for my intolerance"] That banner has paid for itself over the years.

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, add a new name to our Christmas list, next to our Jewish friends. Say, where is Lisa?

Bart Simpson:
She said something about "bottom of the ocean" and "back in a month".

Bart Simpson:
What's that exotic aroma? It smells like a hamburger being cooked in a rug store.

Krusty:
I hate this MyPod! I can't watch movies on a screen this smalll, and the music today, don't get me started!

[pause]

Krusty:
I said, don't get me started!

[pause]

Krusty:
Well, isn't anybody gonna get me started?

[Bart starts to speak, but Homer stops him]

Krusty:
Fine. Come on, Mr. Teeny. Maybe somebody at Old Navy will get me started.

Bart Simpson:
You're new here, so here's what you need to know: we call Principal Skinner "Principal Skin-rash", Professor Weiner is "Professor Whiner", and Groundskeeper Willie is Grounds-Creepier Stupid.

Groundskepper Willie:
That's not even clever. There are so many aspects of my personality you can mock. I'm poor, I'm illiterate, I think movies are real...

Bashir:
Excuse me, sir. Your son dropped this. [Gives Homer Bart's slingshot]

Homer Simpson:
Sir? That's the kind of respect you have to strangle out of American kids.

Bashir:
Bart didn't tell me he had an older brother.

Homer Simpson:
[Flatered laughter] I'm really 38.

Bashir:
38 waist, I'd believe.

[Homer laughs]

Homer Simpson:
I heard somewhere your people are hospitable.

Mina:
That is true. You may come in.

Homer Simpson:
Praised be Oliver!

Mina:
That's Allah.

Homer Simpson:
We'll look it up in the Corona.

[as Homer hangs naked, from a hot air balloon]

Sideshow Mel:
Dear Lord, look at that blimp! He's hanging from a balloon!

Carl Carlson:
How d'you do ma'am?

Lenny Leonard:
Hope this evening finds you well.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, knock it off, you perverts!

Chief Wiggum:
Boy, I'll tell you. They only come out at night. Or, in this case, uh, the daytime.

Marge Simpson:
When we got married, is this how you thought we'd be spending our Saturdays? Driving out to the boondocks to buy a refridgerator motor?

Homer Simpson:
Eh, I never thought I'd live this long.

Marge Simpson:
We drank so much, that night!

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, I thought Bart would be born a dimwit. [laughs]

Marge Simpson:
[laughs uneasily] Yeah...

Homer Simpson:
Well, this time I'm drunk on love... and beer.

Farmer:
If somebody's in here, you're in for some serious ass-forkin'!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, this is so naughty. Coming back to our old love-nest.

Homer Simpson:
It hasn't changed since that magical evening when I knocked you up.

Maude Flanders:
Rod, you've got small, girlish hands. Reach in and fish it out.

Bart Simpson:
There's gotta be something to do around here. Hey, are they pulling the plug on anybody today?

Grampa Simpson:
Nope, everybody's paid up.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, look what was in here! A program from that guy's funeral.

Marge Simpson:
You mean Frank Grimes?

Homer Simpson:
Yeah! Yeah! Whatever happened to that guy?

Grampa Simpson:
Now you got her, Bart. Jump Lisa's king.

Rod Flanders:
I'm not Bart. I'm Rod Flanders.

Grampa Simpson:
There you go with that smart mouth! Lisa, run outside and cut me a switch.

Todd Flanders:
Yes sir!

Carl Carlson:
Hey Homer, see you at Moe's?

Lenny Leonard:
He put new electrical tape on the cushions!

Homer Simpson:
Sorry, guys. Marge and I are spending the weekend at a bed 'n' breakfast.

Carl Carlson:
Oh, trying to jump-start the old marriage, huh?

Lenny Leonard:
Can I come?

Homer Simpson:
Nah, it'd just be awkward. What with the sex and all.

Homer Simpson:
Now they did say bed *and* breakfast, right?

Bart Simpson:
You guys are sick.

[Bart and Lisa leave]

Marge Simpson:
You don't think there's anything wrong with what we're doing, do you?

Homer Simpson:
I don't think anything I've ever done is wrong!

Lisa Simpson:
Wow! An alternate ending to "Casablanca". Bart, this could be priceless!

Bart Simpson:
Priceless like a mother's love, or the good kind of priceless?

Grampa Simpson:
Cut me a switch!

Chief Wiggum:
They only come out in the night. Or in this case, the daytime.

[Seeing a naked Homer dangling from a balloon]

Sideshow Mel:
Look at that blimp... And he's hanging from a balloon.

Marge Simpson:
Kids, I want to explain about the stadium. You see, sometimes, Moms and Dads get a little accustomed to each other.

Homer Simpson:
Dads especially.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer and Marge, both naked, land in the middle of a football field as the crowd gasps, cheers, and whistles] Why don't you take a picture? It will last longer. [the whole crowd lights up with camera flashes] D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
[Wearing Jesus' robe] Ooh, roomy. Our Lord really knew how to keep 'em cool.

Homer Simpson:
[as Jesus] Ye cannot judge me. Only my Father can judge me.

Abraham Simpson:
Crucify him!

Homer Simpson:
I'm taking you with me, old man!

Bart Simpson:
Hey, dad. Remember when you said that if Ned Flanders ever remarried you'd eat your hat?

Homer Simpson:
[Looking up at the crown of thorns he's wearing] Oh! [Takes a bite] Ooh, licorice! [Keeps eating] Mmm, historically inaccurate.

Homer Simpson:
Welcome to married life. Another good man bites the dust.

Marge Simpson:
Homer!

Homer Simpson:
What? I'm talking about that guy. [Points to man on the next bed, who is flatlining and being carted out] I sure envy him.

Ned Flanders:
[Ned dreams of Rod's graduation] Wait a minute. Left-wing teachers? Minimalist classrooms? Abstract art? This isn't a midwestern Bible college. This is an elite Ivy League college!

Rod Flanders:
Don't worry, dad. I took a major in religious studies.

Ned Flanders:
Phew.

Rod Flanders:
Comparative religious studies.

Ned Flanders:
Aaaah!

Sea Captain:
I'm married to the sea, plus I have a thing on the side with two of the Great Lakes. I won't say which, but it's Erie how Superior they are.

Principal Skinner:
My rival.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Some rivalry. It's like Secretariat and a can of dog food.

Lionel Hutz:
Now, Mrs. Simpson, tell the court in your own words what happened after you and your husband were ejected out of the restaurant.

Marge:
Well, we pretty much went straight home.

Lionel Hutz:
Mrs. Simpson, remember that you are under oath.

Marge:
We drove around until three in the morning looking for another open all-you-can-eat seafood restaurant.

Lionel Hutz:
And when you couldn't find one?

Marge:
[crying] We... went... fishing.

Lionel Hutz:
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, do these sound like the actions of a man whose had ALL he could eat?

[the jury is made up of fat, obese people]

Jury:
No, no.

Man in Jury:
No, that could've been me!

Flying Dutchman Waiter #2:
And for you sir?

Homer:
All you can eat! All you can eat!

Flying Dutchman Waiter #2:
Now, when you're ready take this plate up and...

Homer:
[already at buffet taking out a steam tray]

Homer Simpson:
[panicking] No sir! Don't take the steam tray!

[at the Frying Dutchman, Homer continues to eat everything in sight. The waitstaff look on]

Flying Dutchman Waiter #2:
[to Captain McAlister] That man ate all our shrimp! And two plastic lobsters!

Captain McAllister:
'Tis no man. 'Tis a remorseless eatin' machine!

Captain McAllister:
[He approaches Homer/Marge's table] Six bells! Time for closin'!

Homer:
[with mouth full] Can't talk. Eating.

Captain McAllister:
Fairly warned be thee, says I!

[Captain McAlister snaps his fingers. The waitstaff forcibly remove Homer from the table and drag him outside. However, Homer breaks free and runs back inside to shovel more food in his mouth. Again, the waitstaff drag him away]

Homer:
[whining] But the sign said "All you can eat!"

Kabul Restaurant Employee #1:
[at the very quiet Two Guys from Kabul Restaurant, so quiet the only sound is the clock ticking]

Kabul Restaurant Employee #1:
Sometimes I think, you want to fail.

Kabul Restaurant Employee #2:
Shut up, just shut up.

[the phone suddenly rings and both the employees wrestle each other trying to get it first]

[Homer has been thrown out of an all-you-can-eat restaurant for eating too much]

Lionel Hutz:
This is the most blatant case of false advertising since my suit against the movie The Neverending Story.

Homer:
So, do you think I have a case?

Lionel Hutz:
Mr. Simpson, I don't use the word 'hero' lightly, but you are the greatest hero in American history.

Homer:
Woohoo!

[after tripping and knocking himself out, Bart wakes up and sees Laura bending over him]

Laura Powers:
Hey, kid, wake up! Hi, I'm Laura Powers, your new neighbor. Are you okay?

Bart Simpson:
[thinking] She's beautiful! Say something clever.

Bart Simpson:
[aloud] I fell on my bottom.

Bart Simpson:
[thinking] D'oh!

[Laura is coming over to babysit]

Lisa Simpson:
[incredulous] You're taking a bath?

Bart Simpson:
Hey, sometimes a guy just wants his skin to look its yellowest.

Bart:
Grampa, I need some advice. Did you ever fall in love with an older woman?

Abe Simpson:
I fell in love with the OLDEST woman. A hundred and twenty-four years old, she was. Here's a picture of her delivering Eubie Blake.

Bart:
Wow. What happened?

Abe Simpson:
She fell in with that Guinness Book of Records crowd; all of a sudden she didn't have time for me. Ohhh, I wore a fifteen-pound beard of bees for that woman, but it wasn't enough.

Homer:
Son, a woman is a lot like... [sees the fridge] a refrigerator. They're about six feet tall, three-hundred pounds... they make ice and... [eyes his Duff] No, actually a woman is a more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one. [chugs beer] But you can't stop at one... [grabs another beer from the fridge] you want to drink another woman. [10 beers later] So I says; "Yeah? You want that money? Come and find it! 'Cause I don't know where it is, ya baloney! You... make me... wanna... wretch..." [passes out]

[Bart wants to learn about sex]

Homer:
I think he should learn about it the way I did.

[Flashback of Homer as a child, he is at a zoo watching monkeys]

Homer:
Zookeeper!

[points to monkeys]

Homer:
Those two monkeys are killing each other!

Zookeeper:
[whispers in Homer's ear] They're having sex.

Homer:
Oh...

[answering a prank phone call from Bart]

Moe:
Moe's Tavern... Yeah, just a sec, I'll check.

[calling out]

Moe:
Uh, Amanda Hugginkiss? Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss. Aw, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?

[whole bar bursts into laughter]

Barney:
Maybe your standards are too high!

Moe:
[into phone] You little SOB! If I ever find out who you are, I'm going to shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!

Bart:
Dad, if there's a really special girl and she likes some clod who's beneath her, what should you do?

Homer:
I *married* her! [grabs Marge and puts her on his lap; they giggle]

Marge:
Homer, please! [hiccups] I just had eggs.

Laura Powers:
Hello I'd like to speak to Mrs Tinkle, first name, [Bart whispers in Laura's ear] Ivana.

Moe:
Hold on just a sec. Ivana tinkle? Ivana tinkle? Everybody put down their glasses Ivana tinkle?

[Bar Patrons Laugh and so do Laura and Bart]

Moe:
Oh, I better get back and check on Barney.

Barney:
[drinking beer straight from the tap] Oh, oh, my heart stopped! [after about 10 seconds] There it goes.

Barney:
[drinking beer from the tap at Moe's] Uh-oh, my heart just stopped.

[pauses]

Barney:
Oh, there it goes.

Justin Timberlake:
You know we had fun at the expense of the US Navy who are out there every day protecting us from Godzilla.

James Lance Bass:
And stingrays.

Joey Fatone:
And jellyfish. Those stinkin invertebrae will sting you old school.

Justin Timberlake:
So join the navy for a 2 or 4 year hitch.

James Lance Bass:
We signed JC up yesterday.

J.C. Chasez:
What? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

L.T Smash:
[watching Bart's Band] Those guys are gonna be huge.

[to Skinner]

L.T Smash:
And you tried to get in their way.

Principal Skinner:
No I didn't. I even got in early to prepare orange drink.

L.T Smash:
Orange drink? What, do you live with your mother?

Principal Skinner:
*She* lives with *me*.

Nelson:
I can't sing without dancing.

J.C. Chasez, Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Joey Fatone, Chris Kirkpatrick:
Fine. Thrust, spin, turn, pivot, pout, jiggy, jiggy, robot, dosido, and close with a Matrix.

Nelson:
Nobody pouts going into a jiggy.

Milhouse:
Yeah, that's stupid.

Ralph:
I want to twirl.

[the writers of MAD Magazine are in conference]

MAD Writer:
Why don't we call it "Everybody HATES Raymond"?

[Everybody laughs]

MAD Chairman:
Well, we had to stay here all night, but it was worth it.

Milhouse:
The Statue of Liberty? Where are we?

Lenny:
Homer, how can you afford this Mardi Gras party every year?

Homer Simpson:
Well, it's a little thing called a home equity loan. I spend all the money I want, and the house gets stuck with the bill. He he he he! Sucker.

Auctioneer:
Do I hear a hundred thousand? [Mr. Burns lifts his paddle]

Waylon Smithers:
Sir, why do you even want this house?

Mr. Burns:
I need a place to store my cufflinks.

Auctioneer:
Are there any more bids? Hundred thousand going once, going twice...

Ned Flanders:
One hundred and one thousand!

Mr. Burns:
Pass. I already lifted this thing once. I'm not Hercules.

Moe Szyslak:
Here's what you do: get the media to expose what kind of monster he really is.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, yeah. Just like Dateline did to you.

Moe Szyslak:
Yeah, three times. The third was nominated for a Peabody, whatever that is.

Homer Simpson:
Squeaky board here, crack on the wall there, poltergeist in the closet...

Bart Simpson:
[In closet, dressed as ghost] Ooooh! I died when Homer sat on me!

Homer Simpson:
[Strangles Bart] Why you little... I'm the victim here!

Homer Simpson:
Now he's nailing something to our door.

Lisa Simpson:
Hmm. I wonder if it's theses?

Homer Simpson:
Eww, that's gross.

Otto Mann:
[after striking Ralph with his bus] Oh, my God! I killed Kenny!

Milhouse van Houten:
[Corrects him] Ralph.

Otto Mann:
No, I killed Kenny yesterday. What was I doing now?

Marge Simpson:
[the power goes out while Bart is playing a video game] A fallen branch must have knocked out the power line.

Bart Simpson:
Fine. Then I'll just watch TV.

Marge Simpson:
TV runs on electricity too.

Bart Simpson:
Then I'll watch a DVD. There's no way that runs on electricity.

[Marge grumbles]

Bart Simpson:
Really? Does Obama know about this?

Lisa Simpson:
Next, making his runway debut, Bartholomew. The vest is courtesy of Nelson, and the tights are Hello Kitty.

Bart Simpson:
Hello Kitty? I thought they were Spider-Man heads! Ew, ew, ew!

Bart Simpson:
Oh, my God, I do want a brother.

Lisa Simpson:
You can have mine, but he's kinda lame.

Bart Simpson:
D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
[Explaining why he prefers girls]... and you don't have to explain how their bodies work.

Bart Simpson:
You never explained to me how my body works.

Homer Simpson:
Point and shoot.

Bart Simpson:
When poking a dead animal, don't go straight for the eyes. Build up to it.

Charlie:
[hears rustling in the bushes] It's the Boogieman!

Bart Simpson:
There is no such thing as the Boogieman.

Chief Wiggum:
[Comes out of bushes] Boogie, boogie, boogie!

Homer:
Oh, Herb. Because of me you lost your house and your business. Maybe it would've been better if I'd never come at all.

Herb:
Maybe I would've been better off? Maybe? As far as I'm concerned, I have no brother.

Herb:
Herb DeVito, Danny: People don't want cars named after hungry old Greek broads.

McBain Girl:
[McBain has just shot up everyone in a meeting] Well, you certainly broke up that meeting!

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain:
Right now, I'm thinking of starting another meeting. In bed!

[they kiss]

Herb:
[Holding baby Maggie] Homer, you're the richest man I know.

Homer:
I feel the same way about you.

Herb:
[on phone] Okay, this is what you're gonna do. You're gonna hang up, call me back, and say the exact opposite of everything you just said. Goodbye. [hangs up] Bart, Lisa, come over here.

Lisa Simpson:
What is it, Unkie Herb?

Herb:
I want you to hear what the guys down at the plant think of your old man. [phone rings] Hello?

Engineer:
Um, Homer Simpson is a... brilliant man with lots of well thought-out, practical, ideas. He is insuring the financial security of this company for years to come. Oh yes, and his personal hygiene is above reproach.

Grampa:
I miss Bea.

[Bea's ghost appears next to him]

Beatrice Simmons:
I miss you, too.

[Grampa screams]

Beatrice Simmons:
Oh, Abraham, calm down, I'm not here to scare you. They've got me haunting a family in Texas.

Grampa:
Well, I'm glad you're keeping busy.

[at an amusement park, Grandpa is visited by the ghost of his girlfriend]

Grampa:
Hey, Bea, I've got to ask you: what was death like?

[the roller coaster reaches the top]

Beatrice Simmons:
Not as scary as this!

Bart Simpson:
I think Grampa smells like that trunk in the garage where the bottom's all wet.

Lisa:
No, I think he smells more like a photo lab.

Homer Simpson:
Stop it, you two! Grampa smells like a normal old man, which is more like a hallway in a hospital.

Uter:
[the students are pulling the bus up a hill] I feel like I'm in Fitzcarraldo.

Nelson:
That movie was flawed! [Punches Uter in the stomach]

Grampa:
[to Homer] Make me proud... or at least less ashamed.

Homer:
[pulls compliance chip out of his head] I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...

Homer:
[pulls compliance chip out of his head]

Homer:
I did it! And without any brain damage-amage-amage-amage-amage...

Princess Penelope:
We'll always have Sideshow Mel's dressing room.

Sideshow Mel:
What? Ewwwwww.

Krusty:
I'd rather be a happy schnook than a noble schlumph.

Montgomery Burns:
We have to cut costs.

Lenny Leonard:
But we have way more expensive unnecessaries than donuts.

Carl Carlson:
Yeah, like the ceiling furniture.

Lenny Leonard:
And all the joke ID badges we ordered.

Montgomery Burns:
No donuts!

Lenny Leonard:
No!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Carl Carlson:
Nuts!

Montgomery Burns:
Exactly!

Krusty:
If my writers knew how to appeal to girls, they wouldn't be writers.

Milhouse van Houten:
First girls ruin Sex and the City, now this.

Lisa Simpson:
I know she's a bit clich?, but she has a certain... Unicorn! [Runs closer to TV]

Bart Simpson:
Oh, please. That is so fake. You can see the strap.

Lisa Simpson:
Shush! Just give me this!

Bart Simpson:
Krusty has become the lowest form of life: a sidekick.

Milhouse van Houten:
Way to sum up the situation, Bart!

Bart Simpson:
Take it easy, little buddy.

Milhouse van Houten:
That's exactly how I'll take it.

Gator McCall:
I'm Gator McCall, head hunter.

Homer Simpson:
Aaah! [Hides under table]

Gator McCall:
No, no. I find people to fill in jobs. I specialize in the nuclear industry.

Homer Simpson:
I guess a head hunter can be anything nowadays.

Homer Simpson:
You can't win us back with mere donuts.

Montgomery Burns:
Oh, but these donuts were made the old fashioned way. The dough sweetened with Cuban sugar from pre-Batista plantations, and fried in the tallow of three different animals, two of which are now extinct.

[Marge suggests they go out for sushi]

Bart:
Sushi? Maybe this is just something one hears on the playground, but isn't that raw fish?

Lisa:
As usual, the playground has the facts right, but misses the point entirely.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

Homer Simpson:
No way, because I'm not dying!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Second is anger.

Homer Simpson:
[furiously] Why you little... !

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
After that comes fear.

Homer Simpson:
[worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Bargaining.

Homer Simpson:
Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Finally acceptance.

Homer Simpson:
Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

Homer Simpson:
Dad, we've never been too close, have we?

Grandpa Simpson:
Not to my knowledge.

Homer Simpson:
Never once went fishing or played catch or even hugged each other.

Grandpa Simpson:
We never danced the hootchie-koo, either. What's your point?

Marge Simpson:
I wrote a poem for you this afternoon, Homer. It's called, 'To a Husband'.

Homer Simpson:
Okay, okay.

Marge Simpson:
The blackened clouds are forming.

Homer Simpson:
[saddened] Oh, give me a break, Marge.

Marge Simpson:
Soon the rain will fall. My dear one is departing. But first, please heed this call. That always will I love you, My one, my love, my all.

Homer Simpson:
Oh how I want to be in that number when the saints go over there.

Akira:
[reading the cookbook instructions for Fugu] Poisonous... poisonous... poisonous... Ah! Tasty fish!

Moe Szyslak:
Hello, Moe's Tavern, birthplace of the Rob Roy.

Bart:
Is Seymour there? Last name Butts.

Moe Szyslak:
Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butts.

[the barflies laugh]

Moe Szyslak:
Oh, wait a minute. Listen, you little scum-sucking pus bucket. When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna put out your eyes with a corkscrew!

[Bart and Lisa roar with laughter]

Bart Simpson:
You'd think living in a house full of crazy people would be fun.

Royce Lumpkin:
Can you ever forgive me, Lurleen? Like I immediately forgave myself?

Marge Simpson:
Lurleen, I'm sorry I called you all those names, like - oh, I don't even remember.

Homer Simpson:
"Confederate degenerate"?

Lisa Simpson:
"Southern-fried succubus"?

Bart Simpson:
"Hee-Haw ho"?

Homer Simpson:
Bart, get me my suicide axe.

Marge Simpson:
Why can't you just watch Captain Kangaroo?

Bart Simpson:
Culture's in decline. Deal with it.

Marge Simpson:
Lisa's okay with not having friends? That's the saddest thing a daughter could say to her mother.

Bart Simpson:
I can think of something sadder. The saddest thing would be if Mom and Lisa were texting while driving and Mom hit Lisa, and Lisa's last text was "I got the message." Good night.

Booth Wilkes-John:
Just so you know, you would have been a Russian general, with multiple lovers.

Homer Simpson:
Well, as we say in Russia, goodbye in Russian!

Booth Wilkes-John:
Dos vydanya!

Bart Simpson:
No one likes vegetable shakes that much, or at all. Something's up with that girl, and I'm gonna follow her until I find out what.

Milhouse:
And I'll be right along with you.

Bart Simpson:
I'm gonna need you back at headquarters to man the phones.

Milhouse:
What do I say?

Bart Simpson:
Just let them ring.

Milhouse:
Sure thing.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm gonna tell every therapist I go to what you did.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, my God. Every mother's greatest fear! [Starts crying]

Lisa Simpson:
[Thinking] I made mom cry. What unimaginable power. I can make mom do anything I want, but what I want now is for mom to stop crying!

Lisa Simpson:
Happy Mothers Day!

Homer Simpson, Bart Simpson:
Mothers Day?

Homer Simpson:
Crap! [both run out the door]

Dan Gillick:
Oh, I can't kill you

Homer Simpson:
I knew you were weak

Dan Gillick:
If you think I'm so weak, give me back the gun.

Homer Simpson:
You are weak, but no

Dan Gillick:
Let's see how weak I am with the gun.

Homer Simpson:
No, I don't want to...

Dan Gillick:
Give me the gun.

Homer Simpson:
I don't want to see it.

Dan Gillick:
You're making me mad and I want to shoot you now.

Homer Simpson:
I don't have to see it. Huh? I can imagine it.

Dan Gillick:
Give it to me. Give me the gun.

Homer Simpson:
No. Come on weakling, get it from me.

Dan Gillick:
I'm not... ya... I'm not weak with the gun

Homer Simpson:
Yeah... well yeah. Well see who's got it now

Dan Gillick:
When I have a gun...

Homer Simpson:
Yeah well you ain't so...

Dan Gillick:
...I'm not weak at all...

Jack Crowley:
Puma pride! Puma pride!

Marge Simpson:
What's wrong with my sundaes?

Jack Crowley:
Do you know which direction is Mecca?

Marge Simpson:
Um, Mecca?

Jack Crowley:
Marge I'm kidding. I'm Jewish.

[while trying to get a convict's parole granted]

Jack:
I shot a guy named Apu.

Marge:
Hmmm... Well a lot of people shoot Apu.

[Before performing his back treatment]

Homer:
One, two, better not sue.

Marge Simpson:
Let's get out of this gosh-forsaken heckhole!

Warden:
He drew a unicorn in space. I ask ya, what's it breathing?

Homer:
Air?

Warden:
Ain't no air in space.

Homer:
There's an Air & Space Museum...

[Homer holds up Lisa to attract a bull]

Homer:
Here, Toro. Here's something to gore.

Lisa:
DAAAAAAAAAD.

Homer:
Not now, honey. Daddy's busy.

Warden:
Welcome to Waterville State Penitentiary! The contestants you'll see today are actual prisoners on a break, from their telemarketing duties. Now here comes our first outlaw.

Unknown Prisoner:
[Gate opens and prisoner on horse comes out] Ye-haw! [Horse throws him and he lands on his head. Crowd gasps]

Warden:
Oooh, doggie. Well, don't feel too bad for him, folks. He's in here for erecting a Nativity Scene on city property.

Marge Simpson:
[Crowds boos loudly] There's so much evil in the world.

Warden:
[Prisoner chasing calf on a horse. The Prisoner ropes him and brings him down. He runs over an hogties him then pulls out a knife and holds it to the calf's throat] No, Dilbert, we're not slaughtering the animals!

Prisoner:
[Puts away the knife] It's not like that Warden, we was just having a conversation. [to the calf] Ain't that right? [Calf nods and moos uh-huh]

Homer Simpson:
Hello, I'm Homer Simpson. I'm not just another blowhard. I say the things you think but are afraid to say. But not racist things!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, how could you choose Ted Nugent for president? He's a right-wing rocker who likes everything I hate!

Bart Simpson:
Could there be anyone more awesomer?

Ted Nugent:
Who wants elk? [Throws a dead elk on the table; Lisa screams and runs away]

Marge Simpson:
My daughter is a vegetarian.

Ted Nugent:
That's okay. She can nibble on one of the antlers. Antlers ain't meat.

Ned Flanders:
I thought I smelt deadily-ead. What's this?

Ted Nugent:
Judging from that moustache, you must be a member of the People's Republic of Berkley.

Ned Flanders:
The only thing left-wing about me is my left hand. [Ted shoots an arrow on his forehead] That's okay, as long as you're not a Mormon.

Ted Nugent:
I caught me a fat old badger.

Martin Prince:
But I'm a little boy.

Ted Nugent:
All I hear is chitter-chitter.

Homer Simpson:
All I want is what everyone wants: preferential treatment.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you can win this argument. Just rant like you do to sports on TV.

Bart Simpson:
From now on, if someone asks, I'll say you are my father.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, son. Now I regret bad-mouthing you to that girl you like.

Ted Nugent:
Well, for one brief, glorious moment I was almost president, sort of, but not really.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, I'm off to meet the Republican Party to select their new candidate. If there's sandwiches, do you want me to bring some?

Homer Simpson:
My fellow Americans, I am full of crap.

Lisa Simpson:
I knew you were, dad. I always knew.

Homer Simpson:
You can check my carry-on, but you can't check my spirit! And why is there moisture between the windows? And don't wake me up to land! Just LAND!

[Snake is robbing Apu at gun-point. Apu secretly pushes an alarm button. A series of bright, coloured lights flash on and a thunderous voice booms through the speakers:
]

Alarm:
SILENT ALARM ACTIVATED!

Snake:
Oh, you are so dead.

Homer Simpson:
You know, I've had a lot of jobs. Boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carnie, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

Marge Simpson:
If you like protecting people, you can make that your job. You know, start a security company.

Homer Simpson:
[kisses Marge] Finally a way to combine my love of helping people with my love of hurting people.

Groundskeeper Willie:
We're wasting more energy than Ricky Martin's girlfriend.

Homer:
[to Marge] You know, I've had a lot of jobs... boxer, mascot, astronaut, imitation Krusty, baby-proofer, trucker, hippie, plow driver, food critic, conceptual artist, grease salesman, carny, mayor, grifter, bodyguard for the mayor, country western manager, garbage commissioner, mountain climber, farmer, inventor, Smithers, Poochie, celebrity assistant, power plant worker, fortune cookie writer, beer baron, Kwik-E-Mart clerk, homophobe and missionary. But protecting Springfield, that gives me the best feeling of all.

Homer:
That's it. This job is too dangerous. I'm giving this badge to the first person I see.

Chief Wiggum:
That's funny because this is how I got this job the first time.

Marge:
Thank you, chief for saving my husband's life.

Chief Wiggum:
I didn't do anything. They took my gun and my badge. They would have gotten my squad car too if I hadn't hidden it under some hay.

Homer:
Then who shot all of the gangsters?

[Maggie looks out of the window and c*cks her gun and hides it under her crib mattress]

Homer:
It's time to go check on Maggie.

Marge:
Isn't she sweet? She's probably thinking of the day that she shot Mr Burns.

Homer:
Yeah.

Homer Simpson:
I felt like a big man pushing that kid around.

Bart:
Can I have a beer?

Homer:
All right, but not the imported.

Marge:
Homer!

Homer:
You've got to set limits, Marge.

Marge Simpson:
That's one month of homework? It seems like a lot for a young boy.

Homer Simpson:
I say he should get more homework. I don't have to help him, do I?

Principal Skinner:
No.

Homer Simpson:
Pile it on! I want him to be Korean by the time he's done.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, you would really ruin mom and dad's marriage just to get out of a little homework?

Bart Simpson:
Hey, hey! I would end all live on this planet if it would get me out of learning fractions.

Lisa Simpson:
Fractions aren't so hard. All you have to do is find a lowest common denominator. For example, one-half plus one-third is four...

Bart Simpson:
End... All... Life... On... This... Planet!

[Makes explosion sound]

Lisa Simpson:
You'll need to know fractions to make that explosion!

Bart Simpson:
I don't care!

Lisa Simpson:
Congratulations. You are now officially a sociopath.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, at least I'm on a path.

Homer Simpson:
[Angry] You're a month behind on your homework?

Bart Simpson:
I tried really hard to keep you from finding out. Does that count for something?

Homer Simpson:
[Still angry] A little!

Nelson Muntz:
If your parents aren't getting PO'd, are you really pranking? You gotta take it up a notch.

Bart Simpson:
Really?

Nelson Muntz:
If no one gets mad, are you really being bad? Think about it.

Bart Simpson:
Wow.

Nelson Muntz:
I know.

Edna Krabappel:
Bart, you had a month to do that assigment. You started thirty minutes ago.

Bart Simpson:
Thank you, thank you.

Edna Krabappel:
That wasn't a compliment. You have crushed my dreams of teaching ever since I saw "To Sir With Love" as a little girl.

Nelson Muntz:
Ha-ha! You're old!

Edna Krabappel:
It was on VHS in the '80s.

Nelson Muntz:
Outdated medium. I stand by my "Ha-ha!"

Groundskeeper Willie:
Hoisting a bag. Aye, there's no better feeling on Earth.

Marge Simpson:
Let's have lunch at Crouching Tiger Hidden Eggroll.

Homer Simpson:
No line, close to the bathrooms... I see no reason to disagree.

Bart Simpson:
Smooth move, mom. Choosing the one place that doesn't serve beer.

Homer Simpson:
What the... Then I wanna eat at Moe's Express.

Moe Szyslak:
[to bartenders] And by express I mean express your anger at the world.

Principal Skinner:
You can't hide from me. I'm a very patient man. I once waited an hour and a half for a haircut.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, we can't let Bart get between us. He's the reason we had to get married in the first place.

Marge Simpson:
I don't mind if you pee in the shower, but only if you're taking a shower.

Homer Simpson:
No freedom. I have no freedom around this house! After sex, I'm not talking to you!

Marge Simpson:
Mister, you are grounded.

Homer Simpson:
And no TV.

Marge Simpson:
And I'm taking all the exciting colors out of your crayons.

Homer Simpson:
And when you're out of my sight, you must constantly Twitter me exactly what you are up to, even though I don't know what Twitter is and have no desire to find out.

Homer Simpson:
Once again sleeping at work has saved my marriage!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Which prank shall we open with?

Bart Simpson:
The exploding pen.

Milhouse Van Houten:
I'm not familiar with that one. [Pen explodes on Milhouse's face]

Bart Simpson:
Let the games begin.

Principal Skinner:
Bart Simpson, that is a reconstructed Yugoslavian engine. There is no longer a Yugoslavia.

Bart Simpson:
Milhouse, I just learned that there was a prankster in this school bigger than me.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Wow! Imagine his sidekick. [Imagines a giant nerd rampaging through a city, pausing to breathe through an inhaler] If he ever lost that giant inhaler, he'll have to hear from his parents.

Bart Simpson:
It is an honor to meet the guy who wormed Skinner.

Andy Hamilton:
Thanks. Back then, there was no YouTube. It was local news or nothing. Chips? [Offers Bart a can of chips]

Bart Simpson:
Wait a minute. Are there fake snakes in here?

Andy Hamilton:
Give me some credit, man. [Bart opens can, a cobra pops out] That's a real snake. Don't worry, it's defanged. [Cobra bites Milhouse] Although he can rub venom from his gums. I'd wash that arm if I were you.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, Lisa's making me see both sides again!

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, what did I tell you about that?

Lisa Simpson:
But dad, shouldn't Bart see both sides to make an informed decision?

Homer Simpson:
Well... But... Aw, now you've got me doing it!

Homer Simpson:
What kind of place is this? There are no snack standees, no soda standees, no standees of any kind!

Marge Simpson:
From now on, this family is eating food that looks bad on the shelf and looks good on your colon.

Homer Simpson:
Why is that guy with a purse?

Lisa Simpson:
That's a reusable grocery bag. This market doesn't use plastic bags because they end up on the oceans and interfere with jellyfish mating habits.

Homer Simpson:
Stupid horny jellyfish neutering our dudes.

Krusty:
As my newest personal assistant, it's your job to drive me to work and avoid anyone I've wronged on the way. There's one now! Former writing partner! Ex-wife! Dog I abandoned! Bookie! AA sponsor!

Homer Simpson:
[after catching Marge with his stash of junk food] Marge, I've never seen this side of you: me.

Krusty:
Kid, what are you doing? You're ruining the bit!

Bart Simpson:
No! I will not let you become a bitter, twisted monster like Principal Skinner.

Principal Skinner:
[Watching on TV] Watch the Krusty Show, they tell me. It'll help you relax, they tell me.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, 50 can I roll with you?

50 Cent:
Nah, lil' man. But hey, stay in school and keep rapping. You'll blow up one day.

50 Cent:
[to parole officer] Hey, does that count as community service?

[she shakes her head no]

50 Cent:
Oh well, let's go to the park and pick up some poop.

Homer:
Biatch? Me?

Ned Flanders:
Gosh, $50,000. I'm donating this whole check to Bibles for Belgians.

Ned Flanders:
[after Springfield floods, Ned rides out of his garage on a boat filled with animals] I've got two of every animal, but only males. Don't want any hanky panky. [Some of the animals start making noise off-screen]

Ned Flanders:
Now cut that out.

Principal Skinner:
Gentlemen, according to my sources, you are planning to simultaneously drop your pencils at 2:15 this afternoon. Do so, and you will be suspended.

Bart:
[Bart makes a crank call to Moe's after being ordered to call his father by Skinner] Excuse me, is Homer there?

Moe:
Homer? Homer who?

Bart:
Homer... Sexual.

Moe:
Just a minute.

[announces to the bar]

Moe:
Uhh Homer Sexual? Aw come on! One of you guys has gotta be a Homer Sexual.

[Patrons laugh]

Homer Simpson:
[laughing] Don't look at me.

Bart Simpson:
Gentlemen, this fort is now complete, and will last forever.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Not even the Nazis can get in here.

Nelson Muntz:
I thought we were the Nazis.

Helen Lovejoy:
Won't somebody please blame the children!

Ned Flanders:
At least the bedbugs have forced us back into church.

Lisa Simpson:
In the Middle Ages, people gathered into churches to avoid the bubonic plague, but that just made the plague spread even faster.

Ned Flanders:
Church!

Reverend Elijah Hooper:
So don't spend your Sundays in here listening to us. Go home and watch one of the Die Hard movies. They're always on, and they're always good.

Homer Simpson:
If it's such a Good Book, why are there no blurbs in the back? Not even from David Sedaris, and he'll blurb anything.

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, I found your wedding dress!

Marge Simpson:
But how?

Lisa Simpson:
By using something this town has never seen: honest police work.

Bart Simpson:
My dad used to hate church, it's what I loved about him. But now he's turn into a fat version of Flanders. No offence.

Ned Flanders:
None taken.

Ned Flanders:
Jesus doesn't need Twitter to spread his message, he uses leprosy and plagues.

Reverend Elijah Hooper:
Religion should be inviting, like a mug of warm soup. I don't know why soup tastes better in a mug, it just does.

Lenny:
God help me, I'm acutally paying attention.

Bart Simpson:
But I thought you hated church.

Homer Simpson:
For the record, I hated the building, the people in it, and the spirit it represents, I never hated the chruch itself. But I believe in something bigger than me now.

Bart Simpson:
The only thing bigger than you now is you tomorrow.

Homer Simpson:
Why you little... lamb... Mustn't kill own son, only God can do that.

Duffman:
Are you ready for some Duff love?

Moe:
Hey, there's one thing I don't get though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't I have turned into some kind of third face that was different? I mean, it don't make no... [cuts to the end of the episode]

Marge:
Kids, would you like a balloon?

Bart:
Yeah, right, Mom. Then I'd like a rattle and a wowwipop. Actually I would like a wowwipop.

Lisa:
Those balloons won't biodegrade for ten thousand years. And if Bart gets a wowwipop, I want a wowwipop.

Homer:
Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture.

Moe:
Oh, boy! Move over liquor license. [takes the license of the wall]

Lenny:
[examining the license] Hey, Moe, this license expired in 1973, and it's only good in Rhose Island... and it's signed by you!

Moe:
Yeah, yeah. I've been meaning to get that updated, uh, for this state and... real.

Moe:
Am I really that ugly?

Carl:
Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat?

Moe:
Oh, my God, it's worse than I thought! [He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer start sobbing]

Carl:
[to camera] See, this is why I don't talk much.

Moe:
Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What with the cauliflower ear, there, and the lizard lips...

Carl:
Little rat eyes...

Homer:
Caveman brow...

Lenny:
Don't forget that fish snout.

Moe:
Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at.

Lenny:
Or listen to.

Carl:
Or be with.

Moe:
Plastic surgery, huh? Eh, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser.

Carl:
Oh, I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad in the inside.

Moe:
But I'd look good on the outside, right?

Carl:
Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside.

Moe:
Plastic surgery it is!

[Dr. Velimirovic and his nurse prepare Moe, who lies on the operating table with his eyes closed, for surgery]

Nurse:
Hoo-boy, what a mug.

Dr. Velimirovic:
Yeah, you should see his genitals. Would you like to see them?

Moe:
I'm awake here.

Moe:
Homer, did you hear that? She called me handsome. Me! It's like I've gone to Heaven. [worried] Wait a minute. I died on the operating table, didn't I?

Homer:
Heh, heh, heh, heh. Yeah, bu just for a minute. It's a funny story. I'll tell you sometime.

[we see a ticking grandfather clock half buried in the sand on the beach, the sun is setting, and the waves crash on the shore]

Narrator:
Like the cleaning of a house... It Never Ends.

[the theme music crescendos]

Narrator:
With Gabriella DeFarge as Gabriella St. Farge. Allegra Hamilton as Sister Bernadette and Roxy Monoxide. And as Dr. Tad Winslow... Moe Szyslak.

Helen Morehouse:
What were you thinking?

Casting Director:
Well, you said you wanted gritty. In other word... ugly.

Helen Morehouse:
I wanted Mary Ann on "Gilligan's Island" ugly, not Cornelius on "The Planet if Apes" ugly. TV ugly, not... ugly ugly.

Carl:
So, Lenny, how are things working out with you and that girl next door.

Lenny:
Eh, it's over. She got a window shade.

Moe:
I didn't bring you back to life so you could make a fool of me at the club!

Homer:
[reading from a script] You don't love me! The only thing you love is your ear, nose, and throat pavilion.

Moe:
I've dedicated my life to diseases of the head holes, but the one hole I've never been able to fix is the one in my soul.

Homer:
That was amazing, Moe. I'm actually a little turned on.

Moe:
I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

Moe:
Yeah, hey, I've got a gift. As a child, I was bitten by the acting bug. Then it burrowed under my skin and laid eggs in my heart. Now those eggs are hatching and I... the feeling is indescribable.

Homer:
I know what you mean. Our dog had that.

Moe:
And what do you have to tell us O Angel of the Future?

Homer:
[dressed as an angel] You're going to die in a sky-diving accident.

Moe:
How tragic! Tell me more.

Homer:
Gabriella's baby shower will be invaded by terrorists... with sexy results.

Moe:
Ooh! That's unexpected. What else?

Homer:
Well, Sister Bernadette will leave the convent and start a softball team... with sexy results.

[first lines]

Homer:
Good work, everyone. We're sure to be first in line for "Duff Days."

Surly:
[loudly] Drink Duff! [under breath] Responsibly. [loudly] Drink Duff! [under breath] Responsibly.

Casting Director:
What the fudge?

Homer:
Well, it's time to get some closure. [vengefully] *Extreme* closure.

Duff Man:
[watering his plants] That brown spot needs some H2O! Oh yeah!

Moe:
[Moe walks up to him] Hey Duffman! How would you like a sticker on YOUR face?

Duff Man:
[Moe slaps the sticker onto his face, Duff man falls to the ground, struggling to get the sticker off] Duffman can't breathe! Oh no!

[Moe is on a soap opera]

Moe:
Cleo, you've brought music to my heart, but this relationship can never last. I mean, I'm a doctor and you're a 5000-year-old mummy I brought back to life.

Duff Man:
Duffmensch orders you to party! This reich will last a thousand beers! Oh ja! [under breath] I do this and I'm Jewish...

Homer:
Yeah, that Timmy O'Tool is a real hero.

Lisa:
How so dad?

Homer:
Well... he fell in a well... and he can't get out.

Lisa:
How does that make him a hero?

Homer:
Well it's more then you've done.

[while digging a mine shaft to rescue Bart from a well]

Apu:
[gasp] The canary.

Groundskeeper Willie:
GAS. OUT OF THE HOLE.

[everyone runs out yelling; above ground, Dr. Hibbert examines the canary]

Dr. Hibbert:
Gentlemen, this canary died of natural causes.

Groundskeeper Willie:
BACK IN THE HOLE.

[everyone runs back in, yelling]

[Sting is helping in the digging effort to rescue Bart. As he digs, he sighs with exhaustion]

Marge Simpson:
Sting, you really should rest. You'll wear yourself out.

Sting:
Not while one of my fans needs me!

Marge Simpson:
Actually, I've never heard Bart listen to one of your albums...

Homer:
Shh, Marge! He's a good digger!

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Up and at them.

Dialogue coach:
No, "Up and atom".

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Up and at them.

Dialogue coach:
Up and *atom*.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Up and at them.

Dialogue coach:
[frustrated] Better.

Bart:
George Burns was right: show biz is a horrible b*tch goddess.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
My eyes! The goggles do nothing!

Homer Simpson:
[sounded excited] Hey. Didn't you direct "A Natural Discreation"?

George Burns:
Well, yes I did.

Homer Simpson:
[discusted] Pooh-wee. Wooh. Ugh, you know I never walk out of a movie, but Yeeeach.

[George Burns has a fierce angry face at Homer]

[Cheif Wiggum releases some attack dogs to look for Milhouse]

Kirk Van Houten:
Will they just find him... or will they find him and kill him?

Chief Wiggum:
They'll find him, and, um... um...

Kirk Van Houten:
Um, excuse me, you didn't answer my question. You just trailed off.

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, I did, didn't I?

Bart:
[to Mr. Burns, who is going to steal some paintings] Mr. Burns, can you take me with you? I won't eat much and I don't know the difference between right and wrong.

Grampa:
What are you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem.

Grampa:
Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles...

[the children laugh]

Martin Prince:
"Dickety"? Highly dubious!

Grampa:
What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!

Bart:
I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa.

Grampa:
Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy, the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

Marge Simpson:
Where are we going to put him?

Homer Simpson:
Bart's room.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart's room.

Marge Simpson:
Bart's room.

Bart Simpson:
Dumpster.

Montgomery Burns:
Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl.

Lisa Simpson:
Santa?

Montgomery Burns:
There, Simpson seven gone. As soon as you're in your pressboard coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine.

Grampa:
Over my dead body, it will!

Montgomery Burns:
That's exactly the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?

[Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound]

Grampa:
How long was that?

[a hit man breaks into the retirement home and hoses down the rec room with a machine gun. Escaping, Grampa flees to the Simpson house, where he is heard pounding on the door]

Grampa:
Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door!

Homer Simpson:
Who is it?

Montgomery Burns:
Then it's agreed. Of course, we can't sell the paintings now, we'd be caught. How many of you are familiar with the concept of a "tontine"?

Montgomery Burns:
All right, Ox. Why don't you take us through it?

Ox:
Duh, essentially, we all enter into a contract whereby the last surviving participant becomes the sole possessor of all them purty pictures.

Montgomery Burns:
Well put, Oxford.

Waylon Smithers:
[Smithers and Burns are in a boat, being pursued by Bart and Abe] They're gaining on us sir. We'll have to jettison something.

Waylon Smithers:
[Burns give him a hard stare] It's been a pleasure serving you, sir. [jumps overboard]

Montgomery Burns:
Fernando Vidal? It's M.B.

Fernando Vidal:
Ah, Marion Barry! Is it time for another shipment?

Baron von Wortzenberger:
[to one of the Feds putting the stolen paintings in the trunk] Hey, dummkopf! Watch out for the CD changer in my trunk, huh! Idiot.

[first lines]

Homer Simpson:
[lounging on the couch in his pajamas, drinking beer] Ah. I love these lazy Saturdays.

Marge Simpson:
It's Wednesday, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Ahh! Work! [he quickly runs off]

Homer Simpson:
Ah. I love these real Saturdays. They're so relaxing. [angry] Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired!

Moe Szyslak:
Geez, this hot rod is souped up six ways from Sunday! Never had you figured for a gearhead, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Oh yeah, I'm a real expert.

Moe Szyslak:
What is that, a six barrel Holley carb?

Homer Simpson:
You betcha!

Moe Szyslak:
Edelbrock intakes?

Homer Simpson:
Nothing but.

Moe Szyslak:
Myohoff lifters?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, yeah.

Moe Szyslak:
I made that last one up.

Homer Simpson:
I see.

[singing to the tune of "Camptown Races"]

Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
On the closing day / the escrow agents pay / taxes, liens and interest too / thanks to Fanny Mae.

Bart Simpson:
[finishes the song] They back your baaaaank!

Homer Simpson:
You're all nuts.

Marge Simpson:
I'm not getting back in this car until you drive like a sane person!

Homer Simpson:
[speeds off] Okaybyeloveya!

Lionel Hutz:
[ringing a bell] Attention. [the bell dinger breaks off] Ding-ding, ding-ding, ding-ding. Listen up, everybody. Marge Simpson sold her first house.

Homer Simpson:
[at a police seized-property auction] Wow, sweetheart, look at all this seized booty. We could find the drug boat of our dreams!

Marge Simpson:
I don't want a drug boat.

Homer Simpson:
Well, I bet there's drug dresses and drug vacuum cleaners too.

[about the murder house]

Marge Simpson:
Oooh, I remember. Mrs. Astor was very lucky.

[Marge is showing Maude and Ned the murder house]

Ned Flanders:
Oh, my-diddly-eye! Will you look at this place. And the price has been slashed repeatedly.

Maude Flanders:
It's sure built solid. The kids could scream bloody murder and no one would hear.

Ned Flanders:
Well, I'm just going to spill my guts. I love it to death. I'm going to give you a deposit this minute.

Marge Simpson:
You bought a car without consulting me?

Homer Simpson:
I don't remember being consulted when you bought that hat.

Marge Simpson:
I found this hat!

Homer Simpson:
Well then what are you complaining about? You got yours!

Homer Simpson:
I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step towards failure.

Test Supervisor:
Time's up. You may now undermine each other's confidence.

Cookie Kwan:
Hi, Marge! Stay off the west side!

Cookie Kwan:
Are you guys talking about the west side!

Gil Gunderson:
No, Cookie! I'm scared of you!

Homer Simpson:
Hey, Skinner! Want a drag race?

Principal Skinner:
My high school sweetheart was killed in a drag race.

Homer Simpson:
Come on, it'll be fun!

Principal Skinner:
That's what Debbie Sue said.

Homer Simpson:
Man, the air feels good on my neck!

Ned Flanders:
We're all so tired that we just want to go to our new home and rest in peace.

Todd Flanders:
Red room. Red room. Over there. [points]

Chief Wiggum:
This is Wiggum, reporting a 318! Waking a police officer!

Homer Simpson:
Lucky thing we landed on this bubble wrap.

Chief Wiggum:
Hey, quit hoggin'!

Marge Simpson:
[after collecting her unemployment check] Three hundred dollars for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook!

George Bush:
Don't worry! Gets easier every year!

[Marge is working at a real estate firm]

Lionel Hutz:
I've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People just love your no-pressure approach.

Marge:
Well, you know what we say: the right house for the right person.

Lionel Hutz:
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. The right house is the house that's for sale. And the right person is anyone.

[Marge gets her first unemployment check]

Marge:
Three hundred dollars for doing nothing. I feel like such a crook.

George Bush:
Don't worry, it gets easier every week.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I hate traffic! The band *and* the phenomenon!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, why do my actions have consequences?

Cletus:
You have the eloquence and sense of urgency of a census worker caught in a bear trap.

Chief Wiggum:
[after putting the Wiccans in the back of the squad car] I feel kinda sorry for them. Lou, toss them a Judy Blume novel.

Lou:
All we got is Wifey.

Chief Wiggum:
Really, nothing with kids in it? Damn budget cuts.

Lisa Simpson:
[Lost in the woods] Why did I pick poetry class instead of Girl Scouts? Why did I pick poetry class instead of Girl Scouts?

Homer Simpson:
I'm gonna take care of you until your amnesia goes scramnesia.

Homer Simpson:
See that ball of fire in the sky? That's the sun. It goes by many names: Apollo's lantern, day moon, old blazy. The important thing is, never to touch it.

Marge Simpson:
I know what the sun is.

Homer Simpson:
Yes, now you do.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, please don't leave.

Bart Simpson:
My grades will suffer. In fact, they're suffering now. [Shows him his report card]

Bart Simpson:
Look at this garden of 'F's. You planted them all!

Marge Simpson:
Mr. Simpson, I don't even know you! I am not making love with you.

Homer Simpson:
But what if we...

[Whispers]

Marge Simpson:
You're describing how to parallel park.

Homer Simpson:
[Crying] You used to love my non sequiturs.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Hey, guys. Guess who just became lactose tolerant.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, isn't it wrong to read or eat other people's mail?

Homer Simpson:
Son, all our mail has ever brought me is bad news: bills, court summons, Entertainment Weekly. Now for the first time in my life, I'm getting rich people mail. You wouldn't take that away from me, would you?

Bart Simpson:
Oh, dad. Nobody can rationalize like you.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
How many fingers am I holding up?

Marge Simpson:
Two.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Good. Now I can put them back in the jar.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Just keep jogging her memory until she remembers.

Homer Simpson:
Jogging? Oooh!

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Homer, I don't mean you jogging.

Homer Simpson:
Sweet.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
But you should.

Homer Simpson:
Jogging? Oooh!

Grampa:
So how long will you be rooming with me?

Homer Simpson:
The rest of your life, for sure.

Patty Bouvier:
Your brain is trying to save you from the backed-up toilet of your marriage!

Marge Simpson:
Now I have a question. Who are you people?

Homer Simpson:
[gasps] She doesn't recognise us!

Homer Simpson:
[shakes Dr. Hibbert] You monster! What have you done to my face?

[Martin is hanging by his underwear; Bart knocks him down with his slingshot]

Martin Prince:
Good shot.

Bart Simpson:
Not really. I was trying to bounce it off your left teste.

Martin Prince:
Testes, my good friend.

Martin Prince:
Bully, Bart! Bully!

Bart Simpson:
Bully? Where? Is it Nelson?

Martin Prince:
No, Bart. It's just an expression.

Bart Simpson:
Oh.

[Camera pans to show Nelson in the room]

Nelson Muntz:
Who hast summoned me?

[Martin and Bart cower in fear]

Bart Simpson:
And best of all, I got the funding for the Homer Humiliator. [Cut to Homer standing by the Homer Humiliator, which hits him in the face with a pie and kicks him in the groin]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, why would a Homer Humiliator do this to me?

Homer Simpson:
I learned something today. Did you know that my work is the reason I get those checks every week? And now that I've been demoted, those checks have gotten smaller. Not in physical size, but in...

Marge Simpson:
I know!

Roz:
Who told you?

Homer Simpson:
I won't say, but his initials are S.F.

Roz:
Stupid Flanders!

Milhouse:
Bart, is that cootie shot ready yet?

Bart Simpson:
The science fair isn't until next week.

Milhouse:
But I need it now! My dog and I accidentally touched tongues.

Bart Simpson:
How is it accidentally when it's the fifth time?

Lisa Simpsons:
[about Bart's cootie shot] Isn't this similar to your cootie patch last year?

Bart Simpson:
That was preventive. This is morning after.

Homer Simpson:
[meeting Roz] A woman of stature!

Abraham Simpson:
Second place isn't the worst thing. Look at poor Jasper. His wife died, his children don't call, soon he'll be nothing but bones and beards.

Bart Simpson:
To sweeten the deal, I'll pick you first for basketball.

Martin Prince:
Oh, to be a mathlete without the M.

Ned Flanders:
If you have the stones, I can show you how to slay this Gal-iath.

Homer Simpson:
Are you aware that stones means man junk?

Ned Flanders:
It does? I've been using it around the boys! [faints]

Roz:
I want a list of 100 ways to make your life worse by the end of work today.

Homer Simpson:
Can one of the ways be making the list?

Roz:
No.

Homer Simpson:
Can some of them be callbacks to earlier ones?

Roz:
Also no.

Homer Simpson:
Ohh!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Flanders! You're my personal savior!

Ned Flanders:
Well, now, I don't approve of...

Homer Simpson:
[Bows down] Hail Flanders! Mightier than Jesus!

[after "Bartman Begins" is finished]

Bart Simpson:
So you see, dad, revenge is great, and now we have three ways to talk about it. Well, two of the ways were sort of the same, and even the third one would have worked out as a Halloween story.

Lisa Simpson:
Papa, may we have petit four?

Bart Simpson:
Papa, may we have pain au chocolat?

Homer Simpson:
"May we"? "May we"? Mais oui!

Judge Snyder:
I sentence you to life...

Homer Simpson:
You moron! I'm already alive!

Judge Snyder:
...in prison.

Homer Simpson:
Ah!

Bart Simpson:
Pinball, eh? I've heard of that. [starts playing] Wow, the graphics are amazing. The ball almost seems real.

Homer Simpson:
Aah! A bear is eating my father!

Selma Bouvier:
I'm Selma.

Homer Simpson:
Aah! A talking bear is eating my father!

Homer Simpson:
Do you know who you were kissing?

Grampa Simpson:
Yes, I know who I was kissing. I also know why. I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I have my theories.

Bart Simpson:
Lower the drawbridge!

Lisa Simpson:
What's the password.

Bart Simpson:
[begrudgingly] I love my sister.

Lisa Simpson:
We beat them back! Now we can enjoy Boxingham Palace in peace.

Bart Simpson:
Wanna melt it with a hose?

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah, I guess. A couple of birds pooped on it over here.

Bart:
Hey, Apu, this bag of ice has a head in it!

Apu:
Ooh, a head bag. Those are chock full of... heady goodness.

Homer:
I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again.

Lisa:
I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Smithers:
Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

Smithers:
Here are several fine young men who I'm sure are going to go far. Ladies and gentlemen, the Ramones.

Mr. Burns:
Ah, these minstrels will soothe my jangled nerves.

Joey Ramone:
I'd just like to say this gig sucks!

Johnny Ramone:
Hey, up yours, Springfield!

Joey Ramone:
One, two, three, four!

[the Ramones start playing a tune and singing "Happy Birthday"]

Joey Ramone:
Happy birthday to you!

Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward:
Happy birthday!

Joey Ramone:
Happy birthday to you!

Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward:
Happy birthday!

Joey Ramone:
Happy birthday, Burnsey! Happy birthday...

Joey Ramone, Johnny Ramone, Christopher Ward:
...to you!

Christopher Ward:
Go to hell, you old bastard!

Marky Ramone:
Hey, I think they liked us.

Mr. Burns:
Have the Rolling Stones killed.

Smithers:
But sir, those aren't the...

Mr. Burns:
Do as I say!

Homer:
Well, we didn't get any money, but Mr. Burns got what he wanted. Marge, I'm confused. Is this a happy ending or a sad ending?

Marge:
It's an ending, that's enough!

[as the line files into Burns's birthday party, the people passing the guard include Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon, and then... ]

Security Guard:
[grabs George Bush] Hey! No one-termers.

[he shoves Bush out of line]

George H. W. Bush:
You too, huh? Hey, I know a good yogurt place.

Jimmy Carter:
Get away from me, loser.

[Homer sits down in the middle of the night to eat cheese]

Homer:
Mmmm. Sixty-four slices of American Cheese...

[begins eating]

Homer:
...sixty-four... sixty-three...

[morning comes, Homer is still eating]

Homer:
Two... one...

[Marge walks in]

Marge:
Have you been up all night eating cheese?

Homer:
I think I'm blind.

Clifford Burns:
Oh well. At least we still have his little brother George.

George Burns:
[singing] Buh-buh-buh. Oh the sunshine's bright on my old Kentucky home. Buh-buh-buh. [Ends singing] Trust me, it'll be funny when I'm an old man.

Chief Wiggum:
[after letting a criminal suspect drive away] I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Bill Clinton:
Thank you Lisa for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson. If things don't go your way just keep complaining until your dreams come true.

Marge Simpson:
That's a pretty lousy lesson.

Bill Clinton:
Hey, I'm a pretty lousy President.

Bart Simpson:
Who are those guys?

Homer Simpson:
That's BTO. They were Canada's answer to ELP. Their biggest hit was TCB. That was how we talked in the seventies. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Lisa:
Thank you, Mr. President.

Bill Clinton:
No, thank you, Lisa. For teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.

Marge:
That's a pretty lousy lesson.

Bill Clinton:
Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.

Nelson Muntz:
That horse don't take guff from no one!

Jimbo Jones:
Guff?

Nelson Muntz:
I mean sh- [Jimbo, Kearney, and Dolph beat Nelson up]

[Bart and Homer are about to race their horse]

Homer:
Don't worry. I've seen enough of the "Horse Whisperer" to know how to win a race.

Homer:
[whispers to horse] When you're on the race track, run really fast.

Homer:
I've got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.

Homer Simpson:
[on what to do about the jockies] Son, go get me a trash bag.

Homer's Brain:
Use reverse psychology.

Homer:
Oh, that sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain:
Okay, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer:
Okay, I will.

Troy McClure:
I'm actor Troy McClure. You might remember me from such TV series as "Buck Henderson, Union Buster" and "Troy and Company's Summertime Smile Factory". Today I'm here to tell you about "Spiffy.", the 21st century stain remover. Let's meet the inventor, Dr. Nick Riviera.

Dr Nick:
Thank you, Troy. Hi, everybody.

Crowd:
Hi, Dr. Nick.

Nelson:
[to Bart] Hey, Simpson, where's your Losermobile?

Homer:
Losermobile, heh heh heh... wait a minute.

Homer:
Oh my God, I don't know jack about my boy!

[sobbing]

Homer:
I'm a bad father!

Patty:
You're also fat.

Homer:
[sobbing] I'm also fat!

[Homer and Mr. Burns are playing golf; Homer is in a sand trap]

Mr. Burns:
For god sakes, man. Use an open-faced club. The sand wedge.

Homer:
Mmmmm... open-faced club sandwich.

Homer Simpson:
But Marge... valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding "you're making a scene."

Gate Guard:
Name, please.

Homer Simpson:
Simpson family.

Marge Simpson:
We're not poor.

[the whole family stares at her]

Marge Simpson:
Well, we're not.

Mr. Burns:
Who is that lavatory links man, Smithers?

Waylon Smithers:
Homer Simpson, sir. One of the fork and spoon operators from sector 7-G.

Mr. Burns:
Well, he's certainly got a loose waggle. Perhaps I've finally found a golfer worthy of a match with Monty Burns, eh?

Waylon Smithers:
His waggle is no match for yours, sir. I've never seen you lose a game. Except for that one in '74 when you let Richard Nixon win. That was very kind of you, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his

[imitating Nixon]

Mr. Burns:
"Oh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive!"

[Smithers laughs]

Mr. Burns:
I wonder if this Homer Nixon is any relation?

Waylon Smithers:
Unlikely, sir. They spell and pronounce their names differently.

Mr. Burns:
Bah! Schedule a game and I'll ask him myself.

Bart Simpson:
That place is weird. A man in the bathroom kept handing me towels, until I paid him to stop.

Homer Simpson:
[holding a stack of towels] Should have held out longer, boy!

Homer Simpson:
Good morning, Mr. Burns. Beautiful day to be outside, isn't it?

Mr. Burns:
Rant on, Simpson, but your vainglorious boasting will only add savor to my inevitable triumph.

Homer Simpson:
[pause] Yes.

Homer:
Maybe, just once, someone will call me "sir" without adding, "you're making a scene."

Marge Simpson:
We've got a winning hand. We can take the rest of the tricks. Ooh, you better be careful. The purpose of this game is to make friends. You don't make friends by winning. Still, there's nothing more popular than a gracious winner. Don't ask me! I'm just hair! Your head stopped eighteen inches ago!

Evelyn:
Well I wonder where Marge could be! She's missing her own initiation!

Susan:
I hope she didn't take my attempt to destroy her too seriously.

Mr. Burns:
Use the open-faced club! The sandwedge!

Homer Simpson:
Mmm... open-faced club sandwich...

Homer:
What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

Marge:
We don't think you're slow. But on the other hand, it's not like you go to museums or read books or anything.

Homer:
Do you think I don't want to? It's those TV networks Marge. They won't let me. One quality show after another, each one more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once - just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves. But they won't, they won't let me live.

Homer:
Look Marge, you don't know what it's like - I'm the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I'm not out of order. You're out of order. The whole freakin' system is out of order. You want the truth? You want the truth? You can't HANDLE the truth. 'Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. Forget it, Marge, it's Chinatown.

[Homer is teaching a university course on marriage]

Homer:
I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.

Mrs. Krabappel:
We need names.

Homer:
Well, er, let's just call them, uh, "Mr. X" and "Mrs. Y." So anyway, Mr. X would say, "Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson."

[Homer becomes a teacher]

Lisa:
So, dad, will you be teaching from a standardized text or using the more Socratic method?

[Homer stares at her, confused]

Homer:
Yes, Lisa. Daddy's a teacher.

[Homer is teaching a Successful Marriage course]

Homer:
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as: the process of removing weeds from one's garden.

Homer:
Look everyone, now that I'm a teacher I've sewn patches on my elbows.

Marge:
Homer that's supposed to be leather patches on a tweed jacket, not the other way around. You've ruined a perfectly good jacket.

Homer:
Correction, Marge.

[He holds up a tweed jacket with two large holes in the back]

Homer:
Two perfectly good jackets.

Homer:
[Running a red light and speeding into the middle of a busy intersection] It's okay! I'm a teacher!

Miss Hoover:
I didn't know we could do that!

[Hits her gas and speeds through the intersection, running a red light herself]

Reverend Lovejoy:
Get a divorce.

Helen Lovejoy:
Mmm-hmmm.

Marge:
But isn't that a sin?

Reverend Lovejoy:
Marge, just about everything is a sin.

[holds up a Bible]

Reverend Lovejoy:
Y'ever sat down and read this thing? Technically we're not supposed to go to the bathroom.

Homer:
[playing poker, gagging and coughing up poker chips] Ew! Don't try to eat these so called "chips".

Moe:
Are you gonna take some cards, or not?

Homer:
Oh... heh, yeah.

[takes four cards]

Homer:
D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! Er, I mean, "woohoo".

Moe:
I'm in.

Lenny:
I'm in.

Carl:
I'm in.

Barney:
I'm in.

[belches]

Homer:
Aww, I was bluffing.

[lays out cards]

Moe:
Ha, ha, ha! Come to papa!

[takes chips and looks at cards]

Moe:
What? You have a straight flush, Homer! Ya do this *every* time! Arrrgh-eeengh-gah! Choking on my own rage here!

Homer:
OK Brain. What should I do?

Homer's Brain:
Eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding eat the pudding.

Homer:
But every time I learn something new, it pushes out something old. Remember that time I took a home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?

Marge:
That's because you were drunk.

Homer:
And how!

Lisa:
I am the lizard queen!

[during a video will from Great-Aunt Gladys]

Great-Aunt Gladys:
Now, let's get down to business...

Lionel Hutz:
[dubbed in] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.

Marge:
Mr. Hutz!

Lionel Hutz:
You'd be surprised how often that works. You really would.

Lisa:
Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?

Homer:
Boy, I don't know. You'd have to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

[Marge whispers something in his ear]

Homer:
I knew that.

Marge:
Kids, your Great-Aunt Gladys has... passed on.

Bart Simpson:
Gladys, Gladys... 'bout yea high, blue hair, big dent in her forehead?

Marge:
No, honey, Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

Bart Simpson:
[thinks, then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

Homer, Bart Simpson:
[singing in the car] On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...

Marge:
If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!

Homer:
[singing] Ding-dong, the witch is dead!

Bart Simpson:
Which old witch?

Homer:
The Wicked Witch!

[Homer has gotten food poisoning]

Marge:
You look terrible.

Homer:
I don't care. I'm going to Duff Gardens!

[he stands, then collapses and crawls out the door on his hand and knees. Cut to in the car, where he is shivering in the driver's seat, wrapped in a blanket]

Homer:
So c-c-c-old...

Marge:
Your lips are turning blue. I think you'd better stay home.

Homer:
No! Duff Gardens... hurrah!

[he passes out and hits the steering wheel, blaring the horn]

Janey:
Well, that was a waste of time.

Lisa:
Janey, school is never a waste of time.

Elizabeth Hoover:
Class, since we have fifteen minutes until recess, please put your pencils down and stare at the front of the room.

Marge:
Bart's grades are up a little this term. But Lisa's are way down.

Homer:
Oh, why do we always have to have one good kid and one lousy kid? Why can't both our kids be good?

Marge:
We have three kids, Homer.

Homer:
Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid.

Marge:
No, I mean Maggie.

Homer:
Oh, yeah.

Marge:
[referencing Lisa playing the saxaphone] Do you think she could be a professional someday?

Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher:
Oh lord no!

Lisa:
But I'll practice every day!

Li'l Ludwig's Music School Teacher:
Yeah well I'll be frank with ya Lisa and when I say frank I mean, you know, devastating. You've inherited a finger condition known as stubbiness, it usually comes from the father's side...

Lisa Simpson:
Woo-hoo! St. Patrick's Day! I love how they made the river green!

Mr. Burns:
Actually, my nuclear plant did that. And now that you know, your life is in danger... [walks off humming]

Mayor Quimby:
Greetings, fellow Irishmen and lady Irishmen. I, Joseph Fitzgerald O'Malley Fitzpatrick O'Donnell The Edge Quimby, welcome you to Springfield's first booze-free St. Patrick's Day!

Marge Simpson:
This was such a pleasant St. Patrick's Day until Irish people showed up.

Judge Roy Snyder:
Bail is set at $25,000.

Homer Simpson:
[scoffs] I make that in a year.

Ned Flanders:
Okay, I'll join you Homer, but you must promise me that we will do everything by the book!

Homer Simpson:
Then you gotta promise me no diddlies or doodlies!

Ned Flanders:
You got yourself a deal-a-roonie!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Lisa Simpson:
[On the conflict between Irish Catholics and English Protestants] It always comes down to transubstantiation versus consubstantiation.

Patrick Farelley:
Patrick Farelley "Alright you unwanted miracles, give back the ladies cupcakes you don't have the teeth for"

Irish Urchins:
Irish Urchins "Aye, but we can gum the frosting!"

Patrick Farelley:
Patrick "Well if it's good gummin your after, wouldn't you rather have this lovely cabbage?"

Chloe Talbot:
[bangs on car trunk] Lisa! What are you doing in there?

Lisa Simpson:
Praying to Buddha... Jesus... SpongeBob - There's no time to be picky!

[Pan up to heaven, where Buddha, Jesus, and SpongeBob are watching]

Buddha:
Perhaps we should help.

SpongeBob:
Screw her! [laughs maniacally]

Marge:
This is the worst thing you've ever done!

Homer:
You say that so much it's lost all meaning.

Marge:
So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?

Rev. Lovejoy:
Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this. [lifts Bible] 2000-page sleeping pill.

Lisa Simpson:
Lenny and Carl? You guys are Buddhist?

Carl:
Oh, yeah. If I didn't have inner peace, I'd go completely psycho on all you guys all the time.

Lisa Simpson:
Well, I'm looking for a new faith, one that isn't so materialistic.

Richard Gere:
Well, you've come to the right place. Buddhism teaches that suffering is caused by desire.

Lisa Simpson:
Richard Gere?

Lenny:
Ooh! The world's most famous Buddhist.

Richard Gere:
Well, what about the Dalai Lama?

Carl:
You know, the fourteenth incarnation of the Buddha Avalokesvara?

Lenny:
Who's Buddha?

Richard Gere:
It's a good thing Buddhism teaches freedom from desire, 'cause I've got the desire to kick your ass.

Marge:
So you're saying that I should bribe Lisa back to Christianity?

Rev. Lovejoy:
Sure. You could save a lot more souls with roller-skates and Easy-Bake ovens, than with this

[lifts Bible]

Rev. Lovejoy:
2000 page sleeping pill.

[Lenny and Carl are meditating]

Lenny:
Who... likes... short shorts?

Carl:
I... like... short shorts.

[Homer is setting up a rocket Bart purchased]

Bart:
This is gonna be cool.

Lisa:
And also educational. We can learn about science.

Homer:
Science.

Bart:
Uh... she didn't say 'science', she said... 'pie pants'

Homer:
Mmmm... pie pants...

[Homer is singing while flossing his teeth]

Homer Simpson:
When you have a rib-eye steak, you must floss it. Oh, that meatloaf tasted great. You must floss it. Now, floss it. Floss it good.

Marge:
This is the worst thing you've ever done.

Homer:
You say that so often that it's lost *all* meaning.

Sideshow Bob:
[Bob calls Birch Barlow's show during a prison riot] I am presently incarcerated, imprisoned for a crime I did not even commit. "Attempted murder," now honestly, did they ever give anyone a Nobel prize for "attempted chemistry?" [ducks a flying sink] Oh really now, this is a personal call!

Sideshow Bob:
Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may move you to vote Democratic, but deep down you long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this, to save you from yourselves. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a city to run.

Bart:
Oh my God! The dead have risen and are voting Republican.

Jimbo Jones:
[after wrapping up Milhouse in "VOTE QUIMBY" bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart] All right! The mummy is ready for his mystical journey! [pushes the shopping cart down a hill]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Aaaaah! What's happening?

Bart:
We want the truth.

Sideshow Bob:
You can't handle the truth. No truth-handler, you. I deride your truth-handling abilities.

Sideshow Bob:
No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.

Bart:
Bart, your mortal enemy's on the radio!

[Bart turns on the radio]

Dr. Demento:
It's time for more deeeeeeee-mentia, with Dr. Demento! And now, the funny five!

[Bart yells and throws the radio out the window]

Lisa:
I meant your other mortal enemy, Sideshow Bob.

Bart:
Sideshow Bob? Oh, I'm only ten and I already got two mortal enemies!

Larry King:
Now even though we're being broadcast on... FOX, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering.

[the entire audience hoots and hollers obnoxiously]

[walking around the cemetary, Lisa and Bart realize that Sideshoe Bob has falsified voting returns with the names of deceased persons]

Lisa:
[sees Snowball I's gravestone] Oh, my poor dead kitty, not you too!

[she looks at the voting list:
"SNOWBALL I."]

Lisa:
All right, Bob! NOW it's personal!

Bart:
Hey! Uh, he did try to kill me.

Lisa:
Bart, we can't let Bob steal the spotlight like this. We're gonna have to stoop to the lowest common denominator.

Bart:
I can do that.

Birchibald T. Barlow:
You know, there are three things we are never going to get rid of here in Springfield. One; the bats in the public library. Two; Mrs. McFierly's compost heap. And three; our six-term mayor. The illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat, Diamond Joe Quimby.

Mayor Quimby:
[listening to the radio, while watering his marijuana plants] Hey! I am no longer illiterate.

[after Bob's election, the Simpsons awake to find a wrecking crew outside their house]

Sideshow Bob:
So sorry, Mr. Simpson, but your house is blocking construction of our new Matlock Expressway. Now, I am a fair man. You may have 72 hours to vacate. After which time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.

Birchibald T. Barlow:
[on the radio] I want all of you out there to do everything in your power to see that Bob is set free!

Moe Szyslak:
All right, you heard the man.

[He takes a box out from under the bar]

Moe Szyslak:
Everybody, one grenade each.

Barney Gumble:
Moe, I think he meant through non-violent, grassroots, poltical action.

Moe Szyslak:
Really? You think? Okay, hand 'em back. Come on, everybody.

[mad]

Moe Szyslak:
Hey, hey! Who pulled the pin on this one?

[after Bob's election]

Principal Skinner:
Bart, by special order of the Mayor's office, you're being held back.

Bart:
Oh, I have to repeat the fourth grade?

Principal Skinner:
Yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.

Bart:
Kindergarten?

Mrs. Krabappel:
[pops champagne] Ha!

[after Bob is arrested]

Lisa:
Congratulations, Bart! You get to go back to the fourth grade!

Bart:
[disappointed] Oh... tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with.

Lisa:
The spoon, Bart.

Bart:
[gasps] Of course!

Kent Brockman:
Alright, let's go live to Bob headquarters now, for Mayor Terwilliger's victory speech.

Sideshow Bob:
[approaches podium] Ahem. Heh, heh, heh. Hah, hah hah, hah hah! [laughter grows progressively more maniacal] HA! HA HA HA HA HA! HAAA! HAAA! HAAA! HAAAA!

Kent Brockman:
And just look how happy he is.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer blowing Smithers' cover by illuminating him with the headlights of his car] Hey, Mr Smithers!

Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap:
We've searched this airbase from top to bottom, and all we've found is porno, porno, porno.

[appearing on the stadium television]

Sideshow Bob:
Hello, Springfield. Sorry to divert your attention from all the big noises and shiny things. But something's been troubling me lately: television! Wouldn't our lives be so much richer if television were done away with?

Moe:
What?

Dr. Hibbert:
Surely he's not talking about VH-1.

Sideshow Bob:
Why, we could revive the lost arts of conversation and scrimshaw. Therefore I submit to you, we abolish television, permanently!

Homer Simpson:
Go back to Massachusetts, pinko!

Sideshow Bob:
Oh, and one more thing: I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If you do not rid this city of television in two hours, I will detonate it. Farewell.

[Bob cuts the link. People start to panic, then Bob reappears]

Sideshow Bob:
By the way, I'm aware of the irony of appearing on TV in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

[Bart and Lisa run into a restriced Army Base, the front gate closes behind them]

Marge:
Wait!

[to the guarding soldier]

Marge:
That's my children in there!

Gate Guard:
You should be very proud, ma'am.

Chief Wiggum:
All right, where's Sideshow Bob and that guy who uh, eats people and takes their faces?

Prisoner:
I'm right here, Chief.

Chief Wiggum:
OK, then. Where's Sideshow Bob?

Prisoner:
Eh, he ran off.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, great. Well, if anyone asks, I uh, beat him to death.

[reading from a bomb's casing]

Sideshow Bob:
"Best before November 1959." Dammit, Bob. There were plenty of brand new bombs, but you had to go for that retro 50s charm.

Sideshow Bob:
[after his demands are met] Yes. They're giving in.

[pause]

Sideshow Bob:
Blast. I should've made more demands. Like some tasty marmalade... Well, maybe next time...

Abe Simpson:
[the air base is on full alert, in search of Sideshow Bob who has commandeered a nuclear bomb. Two soldiers are searching all the Port-A-Johns, finding Abe in one] This elevator only goes to the basement! And someone made an *awful* mess down there...

Homer Simpson:
[Bart is being held hostage on the Wright Brothers' plane. He climbs out on to the wing. Homer is driving his car just a few feet below] Jump, Bart! I got ya! [Bart throws Homer his backpack, but Homer misses it. It bounces off the hood of the car, gets run over by both the front and back wheel and then bursts into flame] Now you, boy!

Milhouse Van Houten:
[Milhouse is sitting in the cockpit of a grounded harrier jet, holding the control stick and making machine gun noises] Take that, Mom! Take that, Dad! Send me to a psychiatrist will you? Take that, Dr. Sally Waxler! [Milhouse wildly pushes buttons on the console, eventually pressing the ejector seat button by accident. He goes flying off in to the distance]

Homer Simpson:
[Outside a razor-wire fence, Marge is bandaging up Homer's hands] Okay, so we *can't* go over the fence...

Bart Simpson:
[Unbeknownst to Lisa, Bart is not wearing any underwear] Ahhh! Free and easy, Lis'! There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for pure comfort.

Lisa Simpson:
Huh? Bart we need to get out of here! Mom and Dad are probably worried sick! [She hears someone approaching] Shh! Hide! [Both her and Bart leap into a nearby bush as the Colonel and his aide walk past]

Col. Leslie "Hap" Hapablap:
You know what really frosts my Kelvinator? That coward is still laughing at us from his damn hidey-hole.

Private:
I'd rather take an order from Bill Clinton than have to listen to that guy's snooty, high-toned voice again, sir!

Lisa Simpson:
[after the Colonel is gone]... High toned voice... Bart, that's it! I know where Sideshow Bob is hiding! [Lisa runs to Bob's hideout, with Bart following] When Bob was on the TV earlier, his voice was higher that normal, and what makes your voice high?

Bart Simpson:
Tight, binding underwear?

Lisa Simpson:
Helium! Sideshow Bob is in the Duff blimp!

Sideshow Bob:
Well, if it isn't my arch-nemesis, Bart Simpson. And his sister, Lisa, to whom I'm fairly indifferent.

[Bart isn't wearing underwear]

Bart Simpson:
Free and easy, Lis. There's nothing like an unfurnished basement for maximum comfort.

Lisa:
What are you talking about?

Mayor Quimby:
We will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a nearby city who will?

Sideshow Bob:
[high-pitched] All of Springfield trembles before the might of Sideshow Bob...! Blasted helium!

Mr. Burns:
[removes Pie Man's mask and gasps] Simpson! You'll rue the day you took a pie tin, made two holes for eyes, and tied a rubber band around the back!

Homer Simpson:
It's not a rubber band, it's a Scrunchie!

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon:
Let's see-Farmer Billy's smoke-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's bacon-fed bacon, Farmer Billy's travel bacon... Mr. Simpson, if you really want to kill yourself, I also sell handguns!

Homer Simpson:
Wherever injustice shows its ugly face, I will be there, for I am the Pie Man.

Bart Simpson:
And wherever Pie Man is, the cupcake kid will not be far behind.

Marge Simpson:
While you two are up on the roof, why don't you take the leaves out of the gutter?

Marge:
Get ready, skanks! It's time for the truth train!

[after discovering Dr. Bushnell's illegal diamond mining operation, Lisa examines the scientist's research]

Lisa:
These are just pictures of monkeys from famous movies! This is disgraceful, Doctor!

Dr. Bushwell:
All right! So I snapped! You don't understand the crushing loneliness and greed.

Dr Joan Bushwell:
Every day I get up at 5:30, watch the chimps, eat a quick lunch of roots and water, then more chimpwatching. After dark, I come home and think about chimps until it's time for bed.

Homer:
You must be the most boring woman on Earth!

Kitenge:
Good night. Don't let the bed bugs paralyze. [leaves]

Marge Simpson:
Homer, did you remember to tip Kitenge?

Kitenge:
[from outside the door] No, he did not.

Kitenge:
Night, night. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs paralyze.

Kitenge:
[when he sees the family go down the river]

[shouts]

Kitenge:
Shaka Zulu!

[when The Simpsons are on holiday in Africa, Bart marks that he has seen a warthog to his animal card]

Lisa:
Hey! You didn't see a warthog!

Bart:
I'm looking at one right now.

Lisa:
Mom! Bart implied I was a warthog!

Marge:
Nobody's a warthog!

Bart:
What about him?

[Lisa notices that there is actually a warthog right next to him]

Homer:
Ahh. A hungry hungry hippo.

Homer:
Olive oil? Asparagus? If your mother wasn't so fancy, we could just shop at the gas station like normal people.

Lisa:
Wait a minute! Paul Bunyan never fought Rodan!

Hobo:
[the Simpsons meet a hobo in a boxcar] Don't worry! I'm not a stabbin' hobo; I'm a singin' hobo! [Strums banjo and sings] Nothin' beats the hobo life / Stabbin' folks with my ho-bo-knife!

[the Simpsons are on a wagon train in the Old West]

Homer:
[singing] Cleaning my gun with the safety off, safety off, safety off, cleaning my gun with the...

[gun goes off, killing a buffalo]

Lisa:
Dad, you just killed a poor, defenseless buffalo!

Homer:
A poor, *delicious* buffalo. He'll be enough food for the whole wagon train.

[shoots another buffalo]

Lisa:
Why did you shoot that one?

Homer:
Dessert.

[Lisa offers Homer apples instead of buffalo meat]

Homer Simpson:
Oh boy, buffalo testicles.

Lenin:
Must crush capitalism!

Russian Representative:
The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward vessel.

United States Representative:
Soviet Union? I thought you guys broke up.

Russian Representative:
Nyet! That's what we wanted you to think, hahahahahaha!

Homer Simpson:
I've joined the Naval Reserve.

Barney:
I'm not going to let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too.

Moe:
I'm not going to let anything happen to my two best customers, I'm joining, too.

Apu:
Even though my religion strictly forbids military service, what the hey.

[onboard a submarine]

Homer Simpson:
Mr. Moe, prepare to surface.

Moe:
You want to stop calling me Mr. Moe?

Homer Simpson:
No.

[repeated line]

Homer Simpson:
It's my first day.

Marge:
What on earth possessed you to get an earring?

Bart:
Milhouse has one.

Marge:
If Milhouse jumped off a cliff...

Bart:
Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there.

Homer:
Get back here, boy. You're a disgrace to this family and its proud naval tradition.

Bart:
Well, I'm keeping this earring and you can't stop me.

Homer:
Oh... I always thought Lisa would be the one to get her ears pierced.

Lisa:
Can I?

Homer:
No.

[Homer and Moe are serving on a nuclear sub]

Homer:
Damage report, Mr. Moe.

Moe:
Sonar: out. Navigation: out. Radio: out.

Homer:
Enough of what's out. What's in?

Moe:
Ice-blended moccha drinks and David Schwimmer.

Homer:
Yes, he is handsome in an ugly sort of way.

Kent Brockman:
Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.

Grampa Simpson:
My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is *not* a porn star!

Naval Recruiter:
Just fill out this form, and you're on your way to the reserve.

Homer Simpson:
There's a question that's crossed out.

Naval Recruiter:
Well... due to a recent presidential order, we're not allowed to ask that particular question.

Homer Simpson:
I think I can make it out.

[reads]

Homer Simpson:
"Are you a homosex..."

Naval Recruiter:
[interrupts] For God's sake, don't answer that, I could go to jail!

Homer Simpson:
But I'm not a homose...

Naval Recruiter:
[covers his ears and sings loudly] La, la, la, la, la, la, la, I am not lis-ten-ing! La, la, la, la, la...

[exits]

Homer Simpson:
Nice fella. I wonder if he's gay?

[Bart has an earring]

Bart:
Come on, Homer, didn't you ever do anything crazy when you were my age?

Homer:
Well, yeah, when I was 10, I got my ear pierced. But this is completely different.

[Homer is watching a television ad for the Naval Reserve]

Naval Recruiter:
Daybreak, Jakarta. The proud men and women of the Navy are protecting America's interests overseas, but you're in Lubbock, Texas hosing down a statue, because your in the Naval Reserve. Once you complete basic training, you only work one weekend a month, and most of that time your drunk of your ass. The Naval Reserve: America's 17th line of defense, between the Mississippi National Guard, and the American League of Women Voters.

Milhouse:
Hey Bart, check out my new earring. Pretty cool, huh?

Bart:
Milhouse, my mom wears earrings. Do you think she's cool?

Milhouse:
No, I think she's HOT! Sorry, it just slipped out.

[Bart has had his ear pierced]

Lisa:
An earring, how rebellious. In a conformist sort of way.

[before setting sail on a submarine]

Captain Tenille:
Any questions?

Homer:
Is a poop deck what I think it is?

Captain Tenille:
[laughing] I like the cut of your jib.

Homer:
What's a jib?

Captain Tenille:
Promote that man.

Jimbo Jones:
Hey look. Milhouse has an earring.

[everyone on the bus starts chanting Milhouse's name in recognition of his newfound coolness]

Bart:
Hey, if you want cool, check this out.

[singing and dancing]

Bart:
Everybody if you can do the Bart, Man. Shake your body turn it out if you can, can. Do the Bart, Man, yeah.

Ralph:
That is so 1991.

Giant Donut:
Mmmm, Homer!

Drill Sergeant:
Look soldier, you don't like me, and I don't like you.

Homer:
I like you.

Drill Sergeant:
Well, I don't like you.

Homer:
Maybe you'd like me if you got to know me better.

Bart:
But mom, Milhouse's doing it.

Marge:
If Milhouse jumped off a cliff would you do it?

Bart:
Milhouse jumped off a cliff? I'm there!

Montgomery Burns:
You may find this hard to believe, but in my salad days, my crowning glory was a bright shock of strawberry blonde curls.

Karl:
The tartar sauce, the bathroom key, drying your boss's hands! You did it all! It was never the hair! You did it because you could and you still can.

Homer Simpson:
No I can't, coz I'm just a big fool.

Karl:
No you're not.

Homer Simpson:
Why not?

Karl:
Because my mother told me never to kiss a fool! [kisses him]

[Bart shatters Homer's bottle of hair-restoring Dimoxinil]

Homer:
[strangling Bart] BOY-MUST-DIE!

Bart:
[choked] I, I love you, Dad!

Homer:
Ohh...

[drops him]

Homer:
Dirty trick.

[Homer cries over his spilled bottle of Dimoxnyl]

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I'm sure if you just went back to the pharmacy...

Homer Simpson:
I don't have a thousand bucks! But you do, right? You've been saving it, for a rainy day! Haven't you, Marge?

Marge Simpson:
Homer!

[Homer starts sobbing again and rubs his head over the Dimoxnyl stain on the carpet]

Lisa Simpson:
Dad is taking this in a less-than-heroic fashion.

Mr. Burns:
[to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.

Smithers:
Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, Smithers... I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

Smithers:
What do you care if this man's bald?

Karl:
My reasons... are my own.

Shary Bobbins:
[singing] Wasted away again in Margaritaville.

Barney:
[singing] Searching for my lost shaker of salt.

[spoken]

Barney:
Oh, here it is.

[pours the salt into his mouth]

Shary Bobbins:
It's 8:00, children. Time for bed.

Lisa Simpson:
But we're not sleepy.

Bart Simpson:
Sing us a song, Shary Bobbins.

Lisa Simpson:
Yes, sing us a song.

Shary Bobbins:
I've been singing you songs all day. I'm not a bloody jukebox!

Shary Bobbins:
I do everything from changing diapers to telling stories.

Abe Simpson:
Put me down for one of each!

Lisa Simpson:
[as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?

Homer Simpson:
I'm sure we will, honey...

[Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine]

Homer Simpson:
...I'm sure we will.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Shary Bobbins and I were engaged to be wed back in the old country. Then she got her eyesight back. Suddenly the ugliest man in Glasgow wasn't good enough for her.

Shary Bobbins:
It's good to see you, Willie.

Groundskeeper Willie:
[angry] That's not what you said the first time you saw me!

Principal Skinner:
[Jimbo and Skinner are dressed as Oliver Twist and Mr. Bumble, respectively] Boy for sale! Boy for sale!

Jimbo:
Is this legal, man?

Principal Skinner:
Only here, and in Mississippi.

Shary Bobbins:
Hello. I'm Sharry Bobbins.

Homer Simpson:
[excited] Did you say Mary Pop...?

Shary Bobbins:
No! I definitely did not! I'm an original creation, like Rickey Rouse and Monald Muck.

TV Announcer:
It's the Krusty Komedy Klassic.

Krusty the Clown:
Hey! Hey! It's great to be back at the Apollo theater and... [notices a big sign behind him] "KKK"? That's not good. [laughs nervously, then people from the audience start shouting, throwing food and glass bottles]

Krusty the Clown:
Now, I'd like to introduce a new feature never before seen on TV. Dumb Pet Tricks. [points to a dog on the floor, laughs nervously] Oh, boy. Here's a dog that's been trained to catch this red rubber ball. [throws the red ball behind him but the dog grabs hold of his red nose] AH! OW! Somebody shoot it! Somebody shoot it!

Bart Simpson:
[watching the Krusty Komedy Klassic on TV] These specials get worse every year.

Barney:
[as Sherry Bobbins is leaving] Bye Superman.

Lisa:
Dad, do you think we'll ever see Sherry Bobbins again?

Homer:
I'm sure we will, honey.

[She is sucked into a jet engine in the background]

Homer:
I'm sure we will.

Lisa Simpson:
[as Shary flies away] Will we see her again, dad?

Homer Simpson:
I'm sure we will, honey. [Shary gets sucked into a jet plane's engine] I'm sure we will.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
[singing] Mein bratwurst has a first name, it's F-R-I-T-Z / Mein bratwurst has a second name, it's S-C-H-N-A-C-K-E-N-P-F-E-F-F-E-R-H-A-U-S-E-N.

Announcer:
Now, let's take a look at a young Charles Bronson's brief stint replacing Andy Griffith in "The Andy Griffith Show"

Barney:
Where's Otis? He's not in his cell.

Charles Bronson:
I shot him.

Barney:
Well that's... what?

Charles Bronson:
And now, I'm going down to Emmett's Fix-It Shop.

[c*cks gun]

Charles Bronson:
To fix Emmett.

["Andy Griffith Show" theme plays]

Homer:
All right, Marge. We'll get your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War Recreation Society I love so much.

[cut to Moe's]

Moe:
All right, Homer's out. We'll need a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Barney:
I'm not too fond of our Stonewall Jackson, either.

Apu:
The South shall COME AGAIN.

[on TV, during an "Itchy & Scratchy" cartoon]

Quentin Tarantino:
What I'm trying to say in this cartoon is that violence is everywhere in our society, you know, it's like even in breakfast cereal, man.

[Itchy cuts off his head and him and Scratchy dance around it]

Shary Bobbins:
I can do everything from reading bedtime stories to changing diapers.

Grampa:
Put me down for one of each.

Marge:
It's the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. Bart are you wearing clean underwear?

Bart:
Not anymore.

Homer Simpson:
Wine into water? Who could have performed such a cruel miracle?

Homer Simpson:
And did you know that baby Jesus grew up to be... Jesus? [Crowd murmurs] Yeah. Weird, isn't it?

[Flashback to WWII]

Cyrus Simpson:
Kamikaze!

Grampa:
Well, I usually don't drink before lunch... Holy smokes! The sky's full of those planes that crash into the ships!

Reverend Lovejoy:
Bad news, Ned. There was a train accident. [Meaning his model train set] So many plastic Christmases ruined.

Homer Simpson:
[as Joseph] A pregnant virgin? That's every man's worst nightmare!

Lisa Simpson:
[as the herald angel] Fear not, Mary. You are full of grace.

Homer Simpson:
That's not all she's full of.

Lisa Simpson:
Quiet, you.

Santa Claus:
...Cupid, Donner, Blitzen!

Burns:
Excellent, a German!

Grampa:
We'll get you up and running again or my name isn't Young Grampa Simpson.

Grampa:
[During World War II] I was flying Navy planes in the South Pacific with my older brother, Cyrus.

Lisa Simpson:
Your brother? You've never mentioned him before.

Grampa:
And I never will again!

Homer Simpson:
[singing to the music from The Nutcracker] I need a present for my wife / Or I'll have no sex for life / Diamond ring, a vase by Ming / Some kind of useful kitchen thing / I need a store I can break into / Or a place run by a Hindu

Apu:
The Christmas rush has cleaned me out / I just have jerky made of trout

Marge:
Okay, Kids, give me your letters and I'll mail them to Santa at the North Pole.

Bart:
Oh please, there's only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

Bart:
Come on, Dad, if TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's gonna happen to us.

Homer:
Okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

Bart:
I can't believe it, but it looks as though television has betrayed me.

[listening to Bart's class sing "Jingle Bells"]

Marge:
Oh, listen to Bart. Doesn't he sound like a little angel?

Bart:
Oh, Jingle Bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke it's wheel, and the Joker got aw...

[Skinner yanks him out of the choir]

Homer:
D'oh!

Manager:
Do you like kids?

Homer:
What? You mean all the time? Even when they're nuts?

[the interviewer gives him a suspicious look]

Homer:
Uh, I sure do.

Bart:
One 'Mother', please.

Tattoo Guy:
Wait a minute, how old are you?

Bart:
Twenty one, Sir.

Tattoo Guy:
Get in the chair.

Bart:
Hey, Santa, what's shaking, Man?

Homer:
[dressed as Santa] Um, what's your name, little Bart... Ner? Uh, little partner?

Bart:
Hi. I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

Homer:
[gritting his teeth and growling] I'm jolly old Saint Nick!

Bart:
Can we keep him, Dad? Please?

Homer:
But he's a loser. He's pathetic. He's... [the dog licks his face] A Simpson.

Homer:
Look at this tree. Beauty, isn't it?

Patty:
Why is there a bird house in it?

Homer:
Er... That's an ornament.

Selma:
Do I smell gun powder?

Marge:
This is the best gift of all, Homer.

Homer:
It is?

Marge:
Yes, something to share our love. And to frighten prowlers.

Homer:
Um Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon?

Teacher:
Sit down, Simpson.

Marge:
You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

Homer:
Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it our of your own allowance.

Bart:
All right!

Marge:
Homer!

Homer:
[answering the phone] Hello?

Patty:
Is Marge there?

Homer:
Who is this?

Patty:
Marge, please?

Homer:
This is her sister, isn't it?

Patty:
May I please speak to Marge?

Homer:
Whom shall I ask is calling?

Patty:
Marge, please.

Homer:
Aah! Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!

Cashier:
That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.

Homer:
Now that just leaves little Maggie. Ah, a squeak toy. It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Bart:
[upon discovering his father has taken a temporary job as a mall Santa] Dad, you must really love us to sink so low.

Homer:
I don't wanna leave until our dog finishes. [they wait five minutes] Ah forget it, let's go.

Homer:
What are the odds on Santa's Little Helper?

Clerk:
99 to 1.

Homer:
Wow! You hear that, Boy? 99 times 13 equals Merry Christmas!

Homer:
Did you hear that, Boy? Santa's Little Helper. It's a sign. It's an omen.

Bart:
It's a coincidence, Dad.

Dr. Zitofsky:
Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or your groin.

Boy:
And then I want some Robotoids, and a Gook monster, and then I want a great, big...

Homer:
[dressed as Santa] Ah, Son, you don't need all that junk. I'm sure you've already got something much more important: A decent home and a loving father who would do anything for you. Hey, I can't afford lunch so give me a bite of that donut.

Bart:
Cool.

[Bart daydreams about the mother tattoo on his arm. Marge is flattered and pleased]

Marge:
Aww Bart, that's the sweetest gift a mother could ever have. It makes you look so dangerous too.

Marge:
Dear friends of the Simpson family, we had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness, our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to kitty heaven but we bought a new little cat Snowball 2 so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on Grampa is still with us feisty as ever, Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's,and Bart... well we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all.

[Final lines]

All:
[singing] Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer / Had a very shiny nose / And if you ever saw it / You might even say it glows...

Bart:
Like a lightbulb!

Homer:
Bart!

All:
All of the other reindeer / Used to laugh and call him names...

Lisa Simpson:
Like Schnozzola!

Homer:
Lisa!

All:
They never let poor Rudolph / Play in any reindeer games...

Bart:
Like strip poker!

Homer:
I'm warning you two...

Marge:
Then one foggy Christmas eve / Santa came to call... Take it, Homey!

Homer:
Uh, Rudolph get your nose over here / I'll let you guide my sleigh today!

All:
How all the reindeer loved him / As they shouted out with glee / Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer / You'll go down in history!

Bart:
Like Atilla the Hu... [choking noises]

Homer:
Why you little!

Homer Simpson:
Don't drink my loved ones!

Bender:
Bite my shiny metal ass!

Homer Simpson:
A robot with a catchphrase!

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Homer, you gonna kiss him or kill him?

Homer Simpson:
Hey... Uh... What's the robot version of "bromance"?

Bender:
Ro-mance.

Bender:
Aw, I can't do it.

Lisa Simpson:
What stopped you, Bender? Asimov's Three Laws of Robotics?

Bender:
You think robots care what some hack science-fiction writer thinks? I killed Isaac Asimov on the way over here. Well, Isaac *some*body.

Bender:
My ass is about to project something.

Homer Simpson:
[whispering loudly] You don't have to announce it! Just do it quietly and blame the dog!

Dr. Zoidberg:
Hello, robit. Looks like everyone gets a turn to say something. This concludes my turn.

Professor Frink:
Professor, y-you're a fellow man of science. Maybe if we teamed up, we could, uh, figure something out.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth:
Okay. Ih, but remember, to me, you're incredibly stupid.

Marge Simpson:
[thinking] Don't mention her eye, don't mention her eye.

Turanga Leela:
[thinking] Don't mention her hair, don't mention her hair.

Marge Simpson:
Eye... am so pleased to meet you.

Turanga Leela:
Nice to be hair!

Bender:
Zzzzz... Kill all humans... Zzzz... Kill all humans...

Homer Simpson:
Zzzzz... Start with Flanders... Zzzzz... Start with Flanders...

Lisa Simpson:
All we have to do is dig up the time capsule!

Turanga Leela:
And bury Bart in the hole!

Marge Simpson:
I thought people in the future would be more full of peace and love. Like in Epcot Center.

Turanga Leela:
In our time, Epcot Center is a work farm for the weak.

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth:
Oh, but it's not as crowded as the slave-labor camps at Universal Studios.

Marge Simpson:
Hmmm...

Lisa Simpson:
I can't believe you're all giving up without a fight.

Turanga Leela:
Lisa, we're just a package-delivery service.

Philip J. Fry:
And not a very good one!

Philip J. Fry:
Wow! It's working! I guess the instructions were in English.

Marge Simpson:
What was that?

Lisa Simpson:
Probably another piece of America's space junk falling out of orbit.

Bart Simpson:
Anyone remember when this country didn't suck? Cause I don't.

Bender:
I remember why I'm here: to kill Homer Simpson!

Homer Simpson:
[Peeking through doorway] My ears are burning.

Bender:
Not yet, but they will be. [Produces various weapons from his chest cavity, including flame throwers, guns, buzz saws and a boxing glove]

Homer Simpson:
Aah! A boxing glove!

Bender:
Well, little meatbag, looks like it's just you and me, stuck in a horrible past... where I know the result of every horse race ever! To the track!

Lisa Simpson:
Professor Farnsworth, I'd like to know how you got here. Was it a time machine?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth:
Little girl, time machines are physical impossibilities. We teleported through a singularity that I quantum entangled to Bender under the guise of fixing his collar.

Professor Frink:
Yes, but how did Bender get here?

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth:
With a time machine.

Lisa Simpson:
But you just said that...

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth:
Sample's ready!

Prof. Hubert J. Farnsworth:
Good news, everyone!

Philip J. Fry:
[Whispers to Marge] That means it's bad.

Bart:
[to Homer, dressed as an Arab woman] Ignore her, effendi. We have each other.

Nelson:
[hears a noise] What was that?

Lisa Simpson:
That sounded like a silo tipping over!

Bart:
[to Homer. Dressed as an Arab woman] Ignore her, effendi. We have each other.

Nelson:
We're trapped in the school!

[the kids scream]

Milhouse:
We're gonna miss Christmas!

[the kids scream even louder]

Skinner:
I fixed the DVD.

[the kids scream louder than ever]

Ned Flanders:
Homer, I think you hit something.

Homer:
I hope it was Flanders.

Groundskeeper Willie:
All right Skinner, that's the last time you'll slap your Willie around.

Skinner:
You did it, Nibbles. Now, chew through my ball sack.

Krusty the Clown:
And this ends Krusty's non-denominational holiday fun fest. So have a Merry Christmas, a Happy Chanukah, a Krazy Kwanzaa, a Tip Top Tet, and a solemn, eventful Ramadan. Now, over to my god, our sponsors.

[Arnie's helicopter goes down during a snowstorm]

Arnie Pie:
Mayday, mayday. We're going down. Tell my wife I love...

Kent Brockman:
[Chuckles and shuffles papers] That's great, Arnie.

Marge:
How are the kids supposed to get home?

Homer:
I dunno. Internet?

Bart:
[Looking at his permanent record] "Under achiever and proud of it"? [Scoffs] How old is this thing?

Henry:
Meet Maggie Simpson; IQ 165

Mrs Wickerbottom:
165? That's amazing for a Christian!

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, have I ever shown you my shattered-dreams box?

Lisa Simpson:
No.

Marge Simpson:
It's upstairs, in my disappointments closet.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh! Oh.

Homer Simpson:
Bart, now that your mother and your little mother are gone, I can let you in on a deep, dark family secret.

Bart Simpson:
You have a drinking problem?

Homer Simpson:
I said family SECRET!

Bart Simpson:
I'm not a nerd. I'm a jock who's too cool for sports.

Lisa Simpson:
So what happened?

Marge Simpson:
My bosoms grew in and ruined my balance.

Lisa Simpson:
Really? How?

Marge Simpson:
They came in one at a time.

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, do you think mine...

Marge Simpson:
No, I'm pretty sure you'll have your father's b*obs.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, you never win in a fight against animals. Remember your war with the worms?

Homer Simpson:
That was not a defeat, that was a phased withdrawl.

Bart Simpson:
Then why did they made you build that statue?

[Points at statue of Homer bowing at a worm, titled "Worms are better than me"]

Homer Simpson:
They multiply when I cut them. I can't fight that.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I'm going to be a dancer!

Homer Simpson:
Go-go or boring?

Marge Simpson:
Boring!

Homer Simpson:
Oh.

Homer Simpson:
I can't believe you were smoking. Don't you know the Sturgeon General says you're not supposed to?

Lisa Simpson:
A sturgeon is a fish.

Homer Simpson:
And a very wise fish he is.

Homer:
God bless those pagans.

[Homer is undergoing major surgery. Grampa visits him in hospital]

Grampa:
They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I've never understood why that is; frankly, I can see an upside to it. Ha ha.

Lou:
That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum:
Forget it. That's two blocks away.

Lou:
Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

Chief Wiggum:
I am proceeding on foot. Call in a code 8.

Lou:
[on the radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist:
Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service.

Homer Simpson:
Hello, this is Mr. Sampson.

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist:
Did your wife just call a minute ago?

Homer Simpson:
No, I said "Sampson", not "Simpson."

Rubber Baby Buggy Bumper Babysitting Service Receptionist:
Thank God! Those Simpsons! What a bunch of savages! Especially that big ape father.

Homer Simpson:
D'oh! [irritated] The Simpsons are neighbors of ours, and we find them to be a very misunderstood and underrated family.

Homer Simpson:
OH MY GOD! what have those little hellions done now?

Ms. Botz:
...please turn off the Tv...

Marge Simpson:
The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hog-tie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

Ms. Botz:
You're going to watch this tape, and you're going to do what I say or I'm going to do something to you. And I don't know what that is because everyone has always done what I say!

Ms. Botz:
Your parents left me this for you to watch. [holds up The Happy Little Elves]

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, boy! The Happy Little Elves!

Bart Simpson:
Look, lady. We've seen the Crappy Little Elves a million times. Can't we watch something else?

Ms. Botz:
Look, kid. You're going to do what I say or I'm going to do something to you. And I don't know what that is because everyone has always done what I say!

Homer Simpson:
They all look so tasty, but I think I'll eat that one right there.

Maitre D':
Why don't you pick one that's a little more frisky, sir?

Homer Simpson:
Why?

Maitre D':
Well, when you choose one that's floating upside down, it somewhat defeats the purpose of selecting a live lobster.

Homer Simpson:
Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

Moe:
[answering phone] Moe's tavern.

Bart:
Hello. Is Al there?

Moe:
Al?

Bart:
Yeah, Al. Last name Coholic.

Moe:
Lemme check.

[to the bar patrons]

Moe:
Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?

Moe:
Moe's Tavern.

Bart Simpson:
Is Oliver there?

Moe:
Who?

Bart Simpson:
Oliver Clothesoff.

Moe:
Hold on, I'll check. Oliver Clothesoff! Call for Oliver Clothesoff.

Announcer:
Welcome - to the electric car of the future! Sponsored by the gasoline producers of America.

Electric Car:
Hello, I am an electric car. I can't go very fast, or very far. And if you drive me, people will think you're gay!

Principal Skinner:
I believe the only venue for me is the ride of broken dreams.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, you mean the Enron ride. Let's go.

Enron Rider:
We're all gonna be rich!

Bart:
Hey wait a minute, man. You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers tells you to. You've spent your whole life following orders. From your mother, the army, Superintendent Chalmers. For once in your life, stand up for yourself, man.

Principal Skinner:
Okay, Bart.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Let's go, Seymour.

Principal Skinner:
Okay, Edna.

[Homer and Bart are being taunted for riding in an electric car]

Gay Robots:
One of us. One of us. One of us.

[in front a "Best Teacher's Award" committee]

Bart:
[in a video] This year, I'd like to nominate my teacher- Ms. Krabappel. Shy may not be glamorous or entertaining. She's just a normal teacher who's always there. And, she's never given up on me- Bart Simpson.

[all committee members gasp in horror]

Teacher of the Year Judge:
Bart Simpson? I thought he was an urban legend.

Homer:
We're going to Disney World.

[Homer is seen in front of the Magic Kingdom at Disney World, while sirens sound and searchlights search for Homer]

"Mickey Mouse":
[over loudspeaker] Step away from the wall, step away from the wall.

Homer:
It's so beautiful.

[Homer disappears over fence]

Homer:
One churro, please.

Cast Member:
That'll be fourteen dollars.

Homer:
[crying] No. No, no, nooooo. Here.

Bart:
All right, I'm in. I'll humiliate the love of your life. Because I like you, I'll even do it "pro boner".

Principal Skinner:
It's "pro bono".

Bart:
I know what I said.

Agnes Skinner:
Seymour! Your feelings are ugly and wrong!

Carl Carlson:
I always thought your name was spelled Simsun.

Homer Simpson:
You don't know how to spell my name? Don't you ever look up at the sky? [They look through a skylight; The Simpsons title appears through the clouds]

Carl Carlson:
I was wondering what that was.

Homer Simpson:
Mr. Burns is using our glasses to spy on us? This is a violation of our privacy. [Sits down to watch monitors] Now let's see what we can see.

Mr. Burns:
[Catches Homer in his office] Who are you?

Homer Simpson:
Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns:
Oh, sorry, Mr. Burns. I won't trouble you again.

Nelson Muntz:
You have one week to give me a valentine.

Bart Simpson:
And if I don't?

Nelson Muntz:
I will have a heart in my hand. Paper or yours!

Marge Simpson:
Homer's been converting all our money into euros. Not the money, the sandwiches.

Snake:
Give me my car, fatty!

Homer Simpson:
What? This is my car! And I'm not fat, it's glandular!

Snake:
Right. [they start fighting over the steering wheel]

Declan Desmond:
I can't believe it! Homer Simpson a bloody millionaire?

Homer Simpson:
Why are you so shocked? This is our fifth take.

Mr. Burns:
What are you people doing in my summer home?

Homer Simpson:
This is Eduardo, our pool boy. He thinks he's an angry rich man.

Mr. Burns:
I am an angry rich man!

Homer Simpson:
That's the pool chemicals talking.

Carl Carlson:
[at a wishing well] I wish for world peace.

Barney Gumble:
I wish for world war.

Carl Carlson:
Hey, that is cooler.

Moe Szyslak:
My daddy was a circus freak. My mommy can't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of each one.

Declan Desmond:
Are you and Marge planning on having children?

Homer Simpson:
No way! You won't find a couple of rugrats tying me down. [Cut to Homer and Marge with young Bart and Lisa] I hope you don't use this shot after the one where I say I won't have kids, because that would be a devastating edit.

[Bart and Lisa are riding dolphins]

Bart Simpson:
Mine has a cup holder.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, that a blowhole.

Bart Simpson:
You're a blowhole! [Bart puts cup on blowhole; dolphin starts to sink] No, boy. Up! Up!

Marge Simpson:
I'm so proud of my Homer I feel my chest will burst. Can you edit that? I don't want to say "chest" in a movie.

Declan Desmond:
You said it, and it stays.

Homer Simpson:
[to Mr. Burns] Please pretend you work for me. You can have the boy. Just don't beat him. [Whispering] You can beat him. Just don't leave marks.

Mr. Burns:
...and that's how I got the vending machine contract for the Kremlin.

Krusty the Clown:
Homer gave me a kidney. It wasn't his, I didn't need it, and it came postage due - but still, a lovely gesture.

Homer Simpson:
It's been another 8 years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book... [looks at it and laughs a bit]

Homer Simpson:
I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.

Homer Simpson:
I will! I will be rich! I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball!

Marge Simpson:
The biggest change for me over the last 8 years... that's gotta be Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest! [he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo]

Homer Simpson:
They had a sale on skulls.

Ned Flanders:
[about Homer] He's the kindest, sweetest, most generous guy who ever drove through my living room.

Homer Simpson:
All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.

Lenny:
My daddy said I could have any birthday party I want. My cake will be a picture of a dinosaur, and all the guests will say, "Why, Lenny, that's a fine cake!" Then, "Yes", I'll say.

Declan Desmond:
[narrates] I decided not to waste any more film on him after that...

Lenny:
I'm ready for my segment!

Declan Desmond:
Lenny, always exciting to hear from you! Did you ever try that new shampoo?

Lenny:
Nope never did. Do you want to see me pay my cable bill? I have checks with butterflies on them. I am interesting.

Declan Desmond:
No you're not.

Chief Wiggum:
Here we are in now times. As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.

Officer Lou:
Except pants that fit.

Chief Wiggum:
I told you can be in this documentary as long as you don't make fun of me!

Officer Lou:
I'm not making fun of you, I'm making fun of your pants!

Chief Wiggum:
How would you like it if I made fun of your pants?

Officer Lou:
Go ahead.

Chief Wiggum:
Well they're a little, um... uh... oh, they're perfect!

Doctor:
Mrs. Simpson, I'm sorry, but your husband suffers from a persecution complex, extreme paranoia, and... bladder hostility.

Marge:
Doctor, if you just talk to him for five minutes without mentioning our son Bart, you'd see how sane he is.

Doctor:
You mean there really is a Bart? Good lord!

[answering the phone]

Bart:
Joe's Crematorium. You kill 'em, we grill 'em.

[Homer is calling home from a mental institution]

Bart:
Joe's Taxidermy. You snuff 'em, we stuff 'em.

Homer:
Boy, when I get home, I'm gonna wrap my hands around your neck and...

[noticing the orderlies glaring at him, he relents]

Homer:
...smother you with kisses.

Bart:
Homer, whatever they've got you on, cut the dose.

Leon Kompowsky:
[In Michael Jackson's voice] Hi, I'm Michael Jackson from the Jacksons.

Homer:
I'm Homer Simpson, from the Simpsons.

Homer Simpson:
[after Leon moonwalks] How do you do that thing with your feet?

Leon Kompowsky:
You mean the moonwalk?

Homer Simpson:
No! That thing with your feet!

Leon Kompowsky:
You know Bart, when I was growing up I didn't have much money. So you know what I did every time my sisters' birthdays rolled around?

Bart:
Stiffed them?

Leon Kompowsky:
No Bart, I wrote them a song to show them I cared.

Bart:
I can't write a song! I'm only ten.

Leon Kompowsky:
ONLY ten?, When I was your age, I had six Gold records.

Bart:
Hey, Looney Tunes!

[pulls out the Thriller album]

Bart:
THIS is what Michael Jackson looks like! You just look like a big, fat mental patient!

Leon Kompowsky:
You'd be amazed how often I hear that, Bart.

Bart:
[singing] Lisa, her teeth are big and green. Lisa, she smells like gasoline. Lisa, ta-ra-ra Lisa. She is my sista, her birthday I mista.

Homer:
Lisa, you like homework. Would you fill out this form for me?

Lisa Simpson:
Well, all right - if you listen to the poem I just wrote.

Homer:
D'oh...! Uh, okay.

Lisa Simpson:
"Meditations on Turning Eight," by Lisa Simpson. "I had a cat named Snowball, she died, she died! Mom said she was sleeping, she lied, she lied! Why, oh why is my cat dead? Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? I had a hamster named Snuffy, he died!"

[that's all she wrote, literally]

Homer:
No deal.

Homer Simpson:
I can't wear pink! Everyone at work wears white! I'm not popular enough to be different.

Montgomery Burns:
Why is that man wearing pink? Smithers, who is that?

Waylon Smithers:
Homer Simpson, one of your b*obs from sector 7-G.

Montgomery Burns:
Simpson, eh? Judging from his attire, he must be some kind of free-thinking anarchist.

Waylon Smithers:
I'll alert security.

Montgomery Burns:
Excellent! These color monitors are already paying for themselves.

Homer Simpson:
[Trying to scrub off stamp that reads "insane"] Come off! I'm sane now!

Doctor:
After analyzing your husband, we have determined that he's not a danger to anyone.

Homer Simpson:
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Can I have it in writing?

Bart:
[Lisa wakes up Bart] Lisa, it's 6 a.m., what's wrong? Dad died?

Lisa Simpson:
No, no, no, he's fine.

Bart:
Whaddya know, I'm relieved!

Homer:
I'm not popular enough to be different.

Homer:
[Being shown an inkblot that looks like Bart] THE BOY!

Leon Kompowsky:
We call this one the Chief. He's been here since 1968. Never says a word. Never moves a muscle.

Homer Simpson:
Hey.

Chief:
Hey.

[All the doctors gather around muttering and writing notes]

Chief:
Well, it's about time someone reached out to me!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Looks like they're finally haulin' your Dad away, Bart.

Bart:
Maybe it's for the best.

Miss Hoover:
There was a mix up with your tests. You actually got an A triple-plus. The F belonged to Ralph.

Ralph Wiggum:
I cheated wrong. I copied the Lisa name and used the Ralph answers.

Bart Simpson:
I need to talk to you about man stuff.

Homer Simpson:
Talk to grandpa. He used to be a man.

Bart Simpson:
He did?

Grampa Simpson:
[Struggling to peel a banana] Come on, give up the goods, you yellow devil!

Bart Simpson:
Where's Mrs. K?

Principal Skinner:
Mrs. Krabappel went to Idaho. Turns out the people sent to rescue her sister from a cult turned out to be an even worse cult.

Bart Simpson:
So who's taking her place? Me, I hope.

Principal Skinner:
No, not you. Never you.

Principal Skinner:
[On a school skit] I'm Bart Simpson, disruptive fourth grader.

Homer Simpson:
I've finally caught one of Bart's plays.

Marge Simpson:
That's not Bart, that's Principal Skinner. Bart's sitting right next to you.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, now that I look closer, that guy can't fool anybody.

Principal Skinner:
Shut up, fatso.

Homer Simpson:
Why you little...!

[Runs onstage and strangles Skinner]

Kevin the Blind Boy:
Nelson, now that the ban has been lifted, let me touch your face so that I can see how you really are. [Feels Nelson's face] Hey, I said your face, not your butt.

Nelson Muntz:
Aw, you're comfortable enough to mock me.

[Punches Kevin]

Nelson Muntz:
That's for mocking me!

Kevin the Blind Boy:
Nelson, your punch has restored my vision! I can see again!

Nelson Muntz:
Really?

Kevin the Blind Boy:
Ha-ha!

Nelson Muntz:
The student has become the master.

Principal Skinner:
Mr. and Mrs Simpson, these are Brody and Madison McKenna. Their daughter is on Bart's class.

Brody McKenna:
Mr. Simpson, your son engaged in unwanted mouth contact with our daughter.

Marge Simpson:
They kissed?

Madison McKenna:
On the slide.

Homer Simpson:
That's all that happened, and I got to miss a day of work? Thank you!

Madison McKenna:
Mr. Simpson, I'm a high-class lawyer, and my husband is a district attorney, and we're not happy.

Homer Simpson:
Maybe you should get easier jobs.

Madison McKenna:
Unless you make this school an affection-free environment, we'll sue you to the last dime.

Principal Skinner:
[holds up dime] Here it is.

Madison McKenna:
And we'll make you wish your son was ever born.

Homer Simpson:
Already half way there, lady.

Marge Simpson:
You told him to kiss her? Why didn't you just tell him to hit her over the head with a club and drag her to a cave?

Grampa Simpson:
You mean second base? He's a little young for that.

Nikki McKenna:
[after Bart falls off the slide] He's dead! And I loved him! Oh, he's still breathing. Loser!

Bart Simpson:
I don't get you. You're hot, you're cold, you're hot... what is your deal?

Nikki McKenna:
You have a lot to learn about women, and I'm not going to tell you.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, I give up. Smell you later. [as he walks away, Nikki runs to him and kisses him on the cheek, then walks away]

Bart Simpson:
I love you!

Bart:
[about dog] Mom you can't send him away, he's not grandpa!

Homer:
Relax Marge, I'm just messing with you. I know I'm not a dog, I'm a people, like you.

Homer:
How come things that happen to stupid people keep happening to me?

Groundskeeper Willie:
That'll do snake... That'll do.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, why don't you toss me in the air so I can see the way out? [tossed in the air] Corn. [tossed in the air] More corn [tossed in the air] Another kid being tossed. [tossed in the air] Witches' coven. [tossed in the air] Seattle Space Needle. [tossed in the air] Amateur production of Can't Take it With You. [tossed in the air] Oh, I'm getting dizzy. [tossed in the air] And corn again.

Homer:
I'm lost, and I'm hungry!

Marge Simpson:
Eat some corn!

Homer:
I don't have any holders!

Bart:
Our dog would make an awesome police dog. Can he, dad? Please, can he?

Homer:
No, and never bring it up again. [pause]

Bart:
Can he?

Homer:
Oh, why not?

Homer:
He's tasted human flesh. He'll be a slave to his succulence now. Look at him eyeing me. He knows I taste best.

Bart:
Hey, Lisa. Wanna touch Strangles? He's not slimy at all, he's scaly.

Lisa Simpson:
Eww, he is slimy!

Bart:
That's because I dipped him in slime!

Marge Simpson:
[Homer is being strangled by Bart's pet snake] Homer! Can you breathe!

Homer:
Well... I can breathe... OUT okay!

Marge:
I'm sure you'll make plenty of friends. All you have to do is be yourself.

Lisa:
Be myself? I've been myself for eight years and it hasn't worked.

[At the Flanders's beach house, after spotting Lisa's friends pasting seashells onto his car]

Homer Simpson:
Sweet merciful crap! My car!

Val-U Mart Owner:
Celebrate the independence of your nation by blowing up a small part of it.

Bart:
Oh, this is the worst Fourth of July ever, I hate America.

Milhouse:
Oh boy, a carnival.

Homer:
[picking up Lisa's empty suitcase] Hmm, somebody's traveling light!

Lisa:
Meh, maybe you're getting stronger.

Homer:
Well, I have been eating more.

Marge:
Isn't this fun, Lisa?

Lisa:
It must be exciting to make a whole different set of beds.

Marge:
I know you're joking, but it is!

Erin:
Hey, I like your hat.

Lisa:
[thinking] A compliment! Scanning for sarcasm... it's clean! Go!

Lisa:
[to herself] Okay, okay calm down, it was just a bird, you don't control the birds, you will someday but not today.

[the school bell rings]

Milhouse:
School's out! Up yours, Krabappel! [Milhouse runs off, no one else moves]

Mrs. Krabappel:
Well, I'm glad the rest of you remembered that summer vacation starts at the end of the day, not the beginning. [Krabappel motions to a clock that reads; 9 am]

Marge:
Say bye bye to our house, Maggie! Bye bye tree!

Homer Simpson:
Bye bye, work!

Bart:
Bye bye, toothbrush

Lisa:
Bye bye, Lisa Simpson

Marge:
And you're sure the Flanderses won't be there? Well, it sounds great. Bart you can call Milhouse. Lise, you can invite a friend too.

Lisa:
Great a friend! Or some girl I know... I don't know... stuffed animal?

Rupert Murdoch:
What the bloody hell?

Vincent Price:
Good afternoon gentlemen, I've been waiting for you! [laughs maniacally]

John Madden:
[to Summarall, about Price being alive] Now that just doesn't make a lick of sense!

Pat Summerall:
I know, I know, just get on the bus.

Ned Flanders:
Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful day.

Superintendent Chalmers:
"Thank the Lord"? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer in a public school. God has no place within these walls, just like facts don't have a place within an organized religion.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Oh, I have had it, I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children!

Superintendent Chalmers:
Seymour.

Principal Skinner:
Hmm?

Superintendent Chalmers:
You're fired!

Principal Skinner:
I'm sorry, did... did you just call me a liar?

Superintendent Chalmers:
No, I said you were fired.

Principal Skinner:
Oh. That's much worse.

[Willie has been ordered to pursue Santa's Little Helper through the vents]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Lunchlady Doris, have you got any grease?

Lunchlady Doris:
Yes. Yes, we do.

Groundskeeper Willie:
[rips off his clothes] Then grease me up, woman!

Lunchlady Doris:
...Okey-dokey.

Bart Simpson:
Principal Skinner? Um, I'm real sorry about my dog getting you fired, and biting you, and then getting it on with your leg.

Principal Skinner:
Well... maybe it was for the best.

Principal Skinner:
Now I... I finally have time to do what I've always wanted: write the great American novel. Mine is about a futuristic amusement park where dinosaurs are brought to life through advanced cloning techniques. I call it "Billy and the Cloneasaurus."

Apu:
Oh, you have got to be kidding sir. First you think of an idea that has already been done. Then you give it a title that nobody could possibly like. Didn't you think this through... [fade to later]... it was on the bestseller list for eighteen months! Every magazine cover had... [later]... one of the most popular movies of all time, sir! What were you thinking? [pause] I mean, thank you, come again.

Willy:
There's nary an animal alive that can outrun a greased Scotsman.

Superintendent Chalmers:
I've had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children...

Groundskeeper Willie:
Lunchlady Doris, do you have any grease?

Lunchlady Doris:
Yes. Yes we do.

Groundskeeper Willie:
[rips open his shirt] Then grease me up woman!

Lunchlady Doris:
Okey dokey.

Bart Simpson:
It's weird, Lise. I miss having Skinner as a friend, but I miss him even more as an enemy.

Lisa Simpson:
I think you need Skinner, Bart. Everybody needs a nemesis. Sherlock Holmes had his Dr. Moriarty, Mountain Dew has its Mellow Yellow, even Maggie has that baby with the one eyebrow.

[Bart is making a show-and-tell presentation]

Bart Simpson:
What has four legs and ticks?

Milhouse Van Houten:
A walking clock?

Nelson Muntz:
A walking clock!

Martin Prince:
[to another kid] I'd wager he has some variety of walking clock in that box.

Edna Krabappel:
Bart, is it a walking clock?

Bart Simpson:
Huh? No, it's my dog.

[Santa's Little Helper has crawled into the vent at Springfield Elementary]

Ralph:
Um, Miss Hoover? There's a dog in the vent.

Miss Hoover:
Ralph, remember the time you said Snagglepuss was outside?

Ralph:
He was going to the bathroom.

[At the Kwik-E-Mart]

Dr. Hibbert:
[Speaking to Apu] Marge is right, sugar is not only fattening but it's also terribly, terribly addictive... Uh, is my carton of Pixie Sticks in?

Apu:
No, it hasn't come in yet.

Dr. Hibbert:
[Pounds his fist on the counter] Dammit. When they come in you call me at this number.

Apu:
[Reads the number Dr. Hibbert gives him] 911?

Professor Frink:
Oh, what gave me away? Out of curiosity, was it the "hoyven," or the "maven," or was it the whole guh-HOYVEE... thing... that I do?

Duff book of records:
Springfield is now the fattest city in the U.S.

Homer:
Woo Hoo. In your face Milwaukee.

Bart:
Why would Duff publish a book.

Lisa:
It was designed to settle fights in taverns.

Homer:
Whoo-hoo. She said "tavern". I'm going to Moe's.

[runs away and drives off]

Marge:
I never agreed to that rule.

Principal Dondelinger:
Uh-oh looks like one of my former students on a quest for truth.

Principal Dondelinger:
Now I'm going to sit under that tree and think about all the women I could've talked to but didn't.

[Homer is relaxing watching s 'Tuesday Morning Movie']

[TV character Jimmy rides off on his motorcycle]

Mother:
Ooh, I don't know what's come over Jimmy. He won't do his homework, he only salutes the flag with one finger, and he comes home every night with other people's blood on his shirt...

Homer Simpson:
The first meeting of Hell's Satans is called to order.

Ned Flanders:
I move to reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all [chuckles] , we don't wanna *go* to hell.

Lenny:
How 'bout The Devil's Pals.

Ned Flanders:
[nervously chuckles] Nuh-no... see...

Moe Szyslak:
How about the Christ punchers?

Ned Flanders:
The Chri...! I-I don't think you understand my objections.

Homer Simpson:
I'm the president and the decision is mine. We're Hell's Satans. Besides, I already made our club jackets.

[Homer hold up a jacket with Hell's Satans imprinted on the back]

Lenny:
Ooo, machine wash warm.

Carl:
Tumble dry... Oooh lah lah.

[Meathook punches eggs into a toaster]

Marge Simpson:
Stop that! If you want some food, I'll be happy to make you some breakfast.

Meathook:
I'd kill for some waffles!

Ramrod:
He has... Remember that IHOP in Oakland?

[both guys laugh hysterically]

Meathook:
Alright Satans, we roll out at dawn.

Marge Simpson:
Where are we going?

Meathook:
To the Biker's Jamboree in South Dakota. You'll love it. Mickey Rourke is comin' and we're gonna jump him.

Marge Simpson:
You know, there's more to life than boozing and roughhousing.

[entire gang looks around at each other, confused]

Marge Simpson:
Haven't any of you had a dream?

Ramrod:
Yeah, I had a dream! I was in this beautiful garden... pounding the crap out of a shopkeeper. Then...

Marge Simpson:
Noo! I mean the dream of a good job, a loving family, and a home in the suburbs.

Meathook:
Aww man, to get all that you'd have to kill live fifty people!

Marge Simpson:
Noooo, you don't have to kill anyone! Not if you have jobs. And the first step is an eye-catching resume.

Ramrod:
Nah, actually it's called r?sum?.

Meathook:
Actually, both are acceptable.

Attendant:
Yeah, I did see some bikers drive by here with a blue-haired woman about ten minutes ago. Said they were gonna spend the night at that Crystal Lake camp ground. Section K, space 217. Yeah, I'm sorry I can't be of more help.

Homer Simpson:
I guess I'll never find her.

Marge Simpson:
And when you get a job interview, try not to call your employer a punk or a skank.

Meathook:
Makes sense.

Ramrod:
Ooh, *don't* call him skank.

Meathook:
Mrs. Simpson, I killed my pencil.

Marge Simpson:
Broke. You *broke* your pencil.

Meathook:
I... broke him.

Marge Simpson:
That's right. And what else have we learned?

Ramrod:
Oh oh, that violence is wrong.

Marge Simpson:
Excellent, Ramrod. Civilized people solve their disputes with words.

[Homer jumps in screaming and punching]

Marge Simpson:
Stop! You don't understand!

[Homer continues, attacking, punching, and throwing people]

Meathook:
Marge, what do we do here? Marge, he's using violence.

Marge Simpson:
Talk to him. Use your words.

Meathook:
Homer... Homer... stop. We've given up our violent ways. We just wanna live peacefully... with your wife.

Homer Simpson:
No! My wife is not a dooby... to be passed around! I took a sacred vow on my wedding day to bogart her forever.

Marge Simpson:
Oooooh, Homey.

Meathook:
There's only one reasonable way to settle this... you and me, in the circle of death.

Marge Simpson:
Ooooh, I just swept the circle of death.

Homer Simpson:
My wife is not a doobie, to be passed around from person to person! I made a sacred vow, on my wedding day, to bogart her for the rest of my life.

Meathook:
There's only one way to settle this: you and me, in the Circle of Death.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, I just swept the Circle of Death.

Ned Flanders:
[as King of Troy, to Homer/Odysseus] Hi, O-diddley-ysseus!

Circe:
You must pass through Hades, crossing the river Styx.

[as Homer steers his ship down the river, skeletons on the shoreline dance to the song "Lady" by Styx]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, this truly is Hell!

[Chief Wiggum is Polonius, Ralph Wiggum is Laertes. Bart, as Hamlet, has stabbed Polonius]

Ralph:
Daddy's stomach is crying.

[after being stabbed by Hamlet]

Chief Wiggum:
I hide behind curtains because I have a fear of getting stabbed.

Marge Simpson:
[after tearing out and swallowing the ending of the story Joan Of Arc] Well, that's easier to chew than that Bambi video.

Bart Simpson:
[as Hamlet] The play's the thing, wherein I'll catch the conscience of the king!

Moe Szyslak:
[as Claudius] Catch my conscience? Whaa - ?

Bart Simpson:
You're not supposed to hear me. That's a soliloquy.

Moe Szyslak:
Oh. Well, then I'll do a soliloquy, too.

[clears his throat]

Moe Szyslak:
Note to self: kill that kid.

Ned Flanders:
[as King of Troy] Now throughout history when people get wood, they'll think of Trojans.

Lisa Simpson:
[as Joan of Arc] Let us kill the English. Their concept of individual rights could undermine the power of our beloved tyrants.

[after getting school uniforms]

Bart:
These uniforms suck.

Marge:
Bart, where did you pick up words like that?

Homer:
[on the phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure sucked last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks who ever sucked.

Marge:
Homer.

Homer:
Oh, I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening.

Bart, Lisa:
We are not wiener kids!

Homer:
Then why are you wearing those dorky uniforms? Hmm...

Moe:
I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Moe:
Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?

Apu:
The fact that I cannot bowl wreaks havoc with my self-esteem too, hey, but who am I to complain?

Principal Skinner:
The year was 1968. We were on recon in a steaming Mekong delta. An overheated private removed his flack jacket, revealing a T-shirt with an ironed-on sporting the MAD slogan "Up with Mini-skirts!". Well, we all had a good laugh, even though I didn't quite understand it. But our momentary lapse of concentration allowed "Charlie" to get the drop on us. I spent the next three years in a POW camp, forced to subsist on a thin stew made of fish, vegetables, prawns, coconut milk, and four kinds of rice. I came close to madness trying to find it here in the States, but they just can't get the spices right!

Milhouse Van Houten:
[Reading a MAD Magazine with Bart] They're really stickin' it to that Spiro Angew guy! He must work there or something!

Moe:
They think they're so high and mighty, just because they never got caught driving without pants.

[while Homer is sneaking into Burns' mansion]

Moe, Carl, Lenny:
[cheering] Homer, Homer, he's our man, if he can't do it, no-one can!

Homer:
[beset by hounds] Aaaaargghh!

Carl:
Oh, I guess no-one can.

Lenny:
He's done for. Let's get out of there!

Moe, Carl, Lenny:
Aaaaaahhhhh!

Moe:
Call this an unfair generalization if you must, but old people are no good at everything.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Seymour, why are there children walking on my head?

Kent Brockman:
We win again. But the real winners here are Marge's Hors D'Oeuvres.

Homer:
How do you come up with such witty remarks?

[focuses in on ear plug/mic]

Guy in the van:
I guess you could say its my racket.

Kent Brockman:
I guess you could say I'm Iraqi.

Homer:
Get off my property.

Homer:
What are you kids doing?

Lisa, Bart:
Practicing tennis

Homer:
That's tennis? Then what's that sport where the chicks whale on each other?

Bart:
Foxy Boxing?

Homer:
[disappointedly] Yes. That's what I wanted. Oh.

[Homer cries]

Homer Simpson:
Who are you?

Andre Agassi:
I'm Andre Agassi.

Homer Simpson:
The wrestler?

[in Homer's dream]

Bart:
He thought that trip to the guillotine factory was just for fun, but it was the perfect place to shoot him.

Lisa:
Dad, I think you're overreacting.

Homer:
I think you're UNDERreacting.

Lisa:
This session's over.

Homer:
This session's UNDER.

Lisa:
Goodbye.

Homer:
BADbye.

Homer:
[to a picture of Bart] That's the guy! That's the guy from my dream!

Lisa:
Are you sure you want me to be your double's partner?

Homer:
Absolutely, sweetie.

Lisa:
And you're not doing it out of spite?

Homer:
No, of course not! Now aim for your mother's heart. [points at a cardboard model of Marge]

Homer Simpson:
In a world gone mad, only a lunatic is truly insane

Man left behind in the rapture:
Oh why did I choose to be GAY?

Lisa Simpson:
[after looking at Bart's botched haircut and laughing] Bart, you look worse than Aunt Patty in the morning. And there ain't nothin' looks worse than Aunt Patty in the morning! [laughs]

Marge Simpson:
We wouldn't be in this mess if you just paid the heating bill.

Homer Simpson:
I thought global warming would take care of it. Can't Al Gore do anything right?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Elaine. Will you ever find someone who's spongeworthy?

Bart Simpson:
The Nineties? Never heard of it.

Homer Simpson:
It was a wild decade. The Gulf War was over once and for all, a struggling artist named Matt Groening hit it big with Futurama, and young people had faith in their dreams thanks to a little show called Melrose Place.

Homer Simpson:
He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life.

Marge Simpson:
Professor August says that situational comedy is a dying artform.

Homer Simpson:
You know what I say to that? No soup for you! Because I'm master of my domain... Newman!

Marge Simpson:
I've learned so much. Did you know that every president was a straight white male?

Homer Simpson:
Even Walt Disney?

Homer Simpson:
Give me a beer, Moe.

Moe:
I don't serve alcohol anymore. This is a cigar bar now.

Homer Simpson:
Fine. Cohiba me. Leave the humidor.

Homer Simpson:
I had finally achieved every rock star's dream: hating being famous.

Bart Simpson:
Mom, why did you stop talking for two and a half minutes?

Lisa Simpson:
It felt like twenty.

Homer Simpson:
[singing] Razorblade of apathy / Shave me with your irony / Shave me! / Shave me! / Shave me!

Comic Book Guy:
...And that is why Lord of the Rings can never be filmed.

Krusty the Clown:
[after the oxygen bar he's in blows up] Oh, now where will I get my oxygen?

Marge Simpson:
Homer is where my heart is.

Homer Simpson:
This place is nothing like Animal House. I smashed a beatnik's guitar and he sued me for damages... successfully!

Rainer Wolfcastle:
[Commando (1985) reference] Remember when I said I'd eat you last? I lied.

Homer:
Canada? Why should we leave America to visit America Junior?

Bart:
This is Milhouse. He's my best friend, because... Well, geographical convenience.

Marge:
[the Simpsons are touring Toronto, Canada] So, I see you drive on the left up here.

Tour Bus Driver:
No, ma'am. I'm drunk.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
[to piece of pie] You remember when I said I'll eat you last? I lied.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Remember when I said I'd eat you last? I lied.

[At an auction]

Homer:
Heh, heh, heh. Watch me burn Flanders.

[picks up sheet]

Homer:
Ned Flanders bids 50$.

[evil laugh]

Auctioneer:
And the recipient of the 100$ bill is Ned Flanders.

Homer:
D'oh!

Ned Flanders:
This is going straight to the orphanage.

Homer:
D'OH!

Ralph Wiggum:
[to a wolf] Will you be my mommy?

Ralph Wiggum:
[wolf carries him] You smell like dead bunnies!

Ralph Wiggum:
[thrown in a window with a note attached] I'm a brick!

Homer Simpson:
I didn't know you were such a Beatles fan.

Ned Flanders:
Of course I am,! They were bigger than Jesus! But your boy went Yoko and brought up my collection!

Homer Simpson:
Look, Marge! I'm Brian Epstein.

[drums his hands on some Beatles bobbleheads and giggles]

Homer Simpson:
Now I'm Michael Jackson.

[in falsetto voice]

Homer Simpson:
I own all your songs, losers.

Jim Proudfoot:
[about why he encourages the Myth that all Mohicans are "gone"] Chicks really dig you when you're the last of something.

Bart Simpson:
[after the Calvary kids have won the prize for most boxes of candy sold even though their candy contained laxatives] I guess that's it, they beat us

Nelson Muntz:
At least we made a lot of people sick

Homer Simpson:
Well I'm not finished, where does it say we have to be gracious in defeat?

Bart Simpson:
Its on the back of our vests

Homer Simpson:
Marge remove that stitching

Bart Simpson:
Someone's cleaned our field!

Nelson Muntz:
Its awful it looks like Wisconsin

Apu Nahasapeemapetalong:
Pre teen braves? Is this another one of those community youth groups that inhibit the culture of those you invaded and destroyed?

Marge Simpson:
Exactly the pre teen braves

Marge Simpson:
[a riot is occurring in Duff Stadium] All I wanted was to glue feathers on felt and teach the boys good citizenship [she starts to cry and the cameraman turns the camera to her]

Homer Simpson:
[ Seeing her crying on the stadium screen] That's my wife and she's crying!

Groundskeeper Willie:
Dry your tears lass

Otto Mann:
Then show us your b*obs

Drederick Tatum:
[after repeatedly punching Moe] Dear God, why are we fighting?

Others:
I ain't doing any fighting

Homer Simpson:
[reading the Pre teen braves brochure] Hey these freaks do a lot of cool stuff, cookouts, bowling

Lisa Simpson:
Maybe you should lead Bart's tribe?

Homer Simpson:
You mean like some sort of madman?

Lisa Simpson:
Ideally no

Homer Simpson:
I'll do it!

Drederick Tatum:
Hello Springfield, I'm heavyweight champ Drederick Tatum issuing a challenge to see who can sell the most candy, winners will become honorary bad boys at the next Isotopes home game, proceeds will go to keeping people like me off the street, I can't help myself, punch and grope, punch and grope, its all I was taught

Mayor Joe Quimby:
Welcome fans of everyone's favourite past time [reads the card] Baseball!

Carl Carlson:
Carl:

[Watching the riot]

Carl Carlson:
I don't remember this much bad blood when I was a Cavalry kid.

Lenny Leonard:
I was a pre teen brave!

[He hurls a chair at him]

Carl Carlson:
I sang at your wedding!

Lenny Leonard:
Yeah, "The best is yet to come", real original!

[hurls another chair at him]

Lisa Simpson:
I don't think Dad is properly portraying the Native American lifestyle

Marge Simpson:
Yeah Indians don't sit around watching TV and drinking beer.

Ned Flanders:
They were bigger than Jesus.

Marge Simpson:
My first gray hair!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Marge. Don't worry. Lots of movie stars have gray hair, like all those women we loved in the eighties.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Homer. You always mean to say the nicest things.

Homer Simpson:
Well, it's not easy with you talking all the time.

Moe Szyslak:
My name is Moe Szyslak. When I was a kid I had round worm - Heck, I was more worm than boy for a couple of years - I dabbled in Satanism until I was asked to leave, oh, and one month I ate nothing but aquarium fish.

Bart Simpson:
I just have one question about hair: where does mine start? Head, head, head... hair? Where's the border?

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, my God! Me too!

[Maggie feels her hair and looks worried]

Lisa Simpson:
What are we?

Homer Simpson:
I can't stand Marge's gray hair. It's like I'm married to Richard Gere.

[Phone rings]

Homer Simpson:
Not now, phone. I'm talking to myself. It's okay, Homer. It's just a couple of minutes. Thanks, Homer.

[Picks up phone]

Homer Simpson:
Hello?

Moe Szyslak:
Hello, wing man? You were supposed to be here two minutes ago.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, thank you, prior commitment!

[Kisses receiver and hangs up]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Bart, what happened to your mom's hair? Did she see something scary like the vampire on Sesame Street? They should warn you when he's coming.

Moe Szyslak:
I love Valentines Day. Just mix a couple of drops of Jagermeister with some pink lemonade, add some cherry chapstick, call it Cupid's Ambrosia and charge it up the wazoo.

Moe Szyslak:
Excuse me, is this the seminar where you learn how to pick up chicks?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Well, we're certainly not here to learn how to fold napkins.

Ned Flanders:
Looks like I came in here for nothing.

Dr. Kissingher:
Your only hope is to get a wingman.

Moe Szyslak:
What's a wingman?

Dr. Kissingher:
A wingman is a friend who...

Moe Szyslak:
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Now I gotta get a friend?

Homer Simpson:
Marge, you have nothing to worry about. I'm a wingman, a proud tradition that includes Iceman from "Top Gun", Wedge Antilles from "Star Wars", and me from now.

Mr. Burns:
Now which of you wants to be the sliced haddock in a geezer sandwich?

[as he hypnotizes Homer]

Mesmerino:
When I snap my fingers, you will transform into a... famous historian.

[snaps his fingers]

Homer Simpson:
Look at me, I'm a famous historian! Out of my way!

[the audience claps]

Mesmerino:
[to the audience] Thank you. [to Homer] Now, you are... Emily Dickinson.

[snaps his fingers]

Homer Simpson:
[waves his arms in the air and runs around] Look at me, I'm Angie Dickinson! Out of my way!

Paul Newman:
Homer, I'll tell you what I told Redford. It ain't gonna happen.

Marge Simpson:
I guess it was a pretty funny prank. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah. The only thing hurt are feelings.

Mr. Burns:
What are you doing in my corpse hatch?

Chief Wiggum:
Mr. Burns, you're under arrest for murder.

Mr. Burns:
Uh, did I say corpse hatch? I meant innocence tube.

Marge:
Well, I guess it was a pretty funny practical joke. I like the ones where nothing catches on fire.

Sideshow Bob:
I can stand in one state, fire a gun in the second state, the bullet will travel through the third, hitting you in the fourth, so you'll fall down dead in the fifth! No single act is against any law, but their sum total is the greatest murder since Snape killed Dumbledore!

Bart Simpson:
Oh, I haven't gotten to that part yet!

Sideshow Bob:
It's a four-year-old book.

Bart Simpson:
I'm a slow reader.

Sideshow Bob:
A fitting epitaph.

Bart Simpson:
I'll prove I'm not crazy. Sideshow Bob could never resist singing along to a Gilbert and Sullivan Operetta.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Who am I again?

Bart Simpson:
Yum Yum. I'm Peep-Bo.

Milhouse Van Houten:
[dialing a phone] Mom? Dad? I got the lead!

Principal Skinner:
Due to budget cuts, we're instituting shorter school hours.

Lisa Simpson:
How short?

Superintendant Chalmers:
Take 'em home, Otto!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, the bathroom scale is lying again!

Marge Simpson:
Bart, what are you doing inside on an outdoor party?

Bart Simpson:
Walt is really Sideshow Bob, and I'll prove it. See? Who would need a knife this big?

Marge Simpson:
It's probably a deboner.

Bart Simpson:
[laughs] Boner.

Homer Simpson:
Aw, nothing is ever b*obs or ice cream!

[Sideshow Bob/Walt Warren drives by the baseball stadium]

Bart Simpson:
Uh, you missed the turnoff, Mr. Warren.

Sideshow Bob:
You don't have to call me Mr. Warren anymore. You see, Bart, you were right all along.

[Sideshow Bob kicks off his shoes to let his feet unfold]

Sideshow Bob:
I am Sideshow Bob!

[Bart screams while Sideshow Bob maniacally laughs]

Sideshow Bob:
And now I am free to sing all the Gilbert and Sullivan I damn well please!

[pulls and unfolds an Oriental fan out of a glove compartment full of knives, shurikens and grenades]

Sideshow Bob:
[singing] Behold the Lord High Executioner, A personage of noble rank and title.

[Bart collapses into his seat in horror as Sideshow Bob continues singing]

Homer Simpson:
It's not illegal to sleep in a Tyrannosaurus head.

Security Guard:
Sir, you're inside an allosaurus.

Homer Simpson:
I demand to speak to my paleontologist!

Bart Simpson:
The point of dinosaurs is that an asteroid is going to wipe us out no matter what we do, so we should just party hard and wreck the place.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, why should the asteroid have all the fun?

Homer Simpson:
The king of fantasy novels in our fantasy novel writing team?

Bart Simpson:
Okay, Gaiman, you're in. Your job is to get us lunch, and lose the British accent.

Neil Gaiman:
Cheeseburgers! French fries! I'm all over that, pal!

Neil Gaiman:
I'm so proud of us.

Bart Simpson:
You didn't write any of it.

Neil Gaiman:
That tuna didn't salad itself.

Homer Simpson:
So, are we square for Kansas City?

Bart Simpson:
Square as Golden Books, pops.

Neil Gaiman:
You've heisted yourself up the best seller charts yet again. And the most brilliant part is, I don't even know how to read!

Lisa Simpson:
You're group writing a fantasy novel? But the only reason to do that is for... [gasp] Profit!

Homer Simpson:
So what if people write for money? I don't see your boyfriend William Shakespeare missing many meals.

Lisa Simpson:
I'll show you! I'll write my own novel all by myself.

Homer Simpson:
You're gonna be all the guys? How does that work out?

Bart Simpson:
It's good. Weekly Reader selections good.

Homer Simpson:
I just hope we put in enough steampunk, whatever that is.

Bart Simpson:
Whatever the job is, I'm not interested.

Homer Simpson:
A million bucks has changed stupider minds than yours.

Bart Simpson:
I like the beat. Play me the tune.

Homer Simpson:
We're taking down kids who read.

Bart Simpson:
Chapter-book crowd? That's a juicy peach, but what's the cream?

Homer Simpson:
I'm putting together a tween-lit gang-write?

Bart Simpson:
Tween-lit gang-write?

Homer Simpson:
Tween-lit gang-write, but this Babar needs a Zephir.

Bart Simpson:
A Zephir?

Homer Simpson:
You're the Zephir.

Bart Simpson:
This better not turn out like Kansas City.

Homer Simpson:
It won't be like Kansas City.

Bart Simpson:
[typed into the video game's high score list] I'm in.

Lisa Simpson:
[Chases lady in dinosaur costume into dressing room] You're T.R Frances, you wrote the Angelica Button books. They're my favorite fantasy novel.

T.R Francis:
[using fake British accent] Umm... yes it's me, the creator of your beloved magical world. Full of whimsy, and... ugh chapters, now off you go. Bye bye now.

Lisa Simpson:
But why are you working at a dinosaur show, and why did you run away from me? And how did Angelica get a new wand, after Baron Morthdeath burn the wand wood forest, and...

T.R Francis:
[Without the accent] Look, you seem like a smart kid, so here's the truth. T.R Frances isn't real.

Lisa Simpson:
Of coarse, you're real. Everybody knows you got the idea for the series after the explosion of a crumpet factory knocked you off a double decker bus. How could that be made up?

T.R Francis:
I'm just an actress they use for their jacket photo, that INSPIRATIONAL life story, is PURE FICTION. Oh I hate to break it to ya, but all the books you kids love are conceded in executive board rooms. The plots are based on market research, and the pages are turned out by a room full of pill-popping Lit majors, desperate for work. Publishers rake in the cash, and unsuspecting kids get 10 books a year from their favorite author.

Lisa Simpson:
[Gasp] Everything I believed about young adult literature is a lie. [Runs away crying]

Principal Skinner:
Justice is not a frivolous thing, Simpson. It has little, if anything, to do with a disobedient whale. Now let's vote.

[Bart has just testified for Freddy Quimby and admitted to skipping school]

Principal Skinner:
I'm impressed with what you did in there, Bart. You testified for the Quimby boy even though it was putting your own head in a noose. Nevertheless, you did skip school.

Bart:
So, I guess the two things sorta cancel each other out, right?

Principal Skinner:
I'm a small man in some ways, Bart. A small, petty man. Three months detention.

[Bart begins to walk away]

Principal Skinner:
Wait a minute, Bart.

[Skinner thinks for a few moments]

Principal Skinner:
Make that... *four* months detention.

Principal Skinner:
I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Just remember, if I find out you cut class, your ass is mine. Yes, you heard me. I think words I would never say.

Homer:
I know you can read my thoughts, Bart. Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow-Meow...

Homer:
What does "sequestered mean"?

Principal Skinner:
If the jury is deadlocked, they're put up in a hotel so that they cant communicate with the outside world.

Homer:
What does "deadlocked" mean?

Principal Skinner:
It's when the jury cant agree on a verdict.

Homer:
And "if"?

Principal Skinner:
A conjunction meaning "in the event that" or "on condition of".

Homer:
So "if" we get "deadlocked", we'll be "sequestered" at the Springfield Palace Hotel. Where we'll get a free room, free food, free swimming pool, free HBO. Ooh. Free Willy.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh my god, somebody took a bite out of the giant rice krispy square. Oh, and the waiter's been brutally beaten.

Escort:
[Bart has just jumped into the back seat of Quimby's convertible to hide from Principal Skinner] Freddie, honey, I think something just fell into the back seat.

Freddy Quimby:
I'm not paying you to talk.

Bart:
Hey McBain! I'm a big fan but your last movie really sucked.

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain:
I know. There were script problems from day one.

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah I'll say. MAGIC TICKET MY ASS MCBAIN!

Rainer Wolfcastle as McBain:
Maria! My mighty heart is breaking. I'll be at the bar.

Bart:
Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan but your last movie really sucked.

Rainer Wolfcastle:
I know.

[feeling discouraged]

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, magic ticket my ass, McBain

Rainer Wolfcastle:
Maria, if you need me, I'll be in the Humvee.

[starts to cry, walks off]

McGarnagle:
Now tell them what you saw Billy.

Billy:
But I'm so scared McGarnagle.

McGarnagle:
You've gotta do this one for me Billy, McGarnagle.

Billy:
Okay for you McGarnagle.

Chief:
[later] Well McGarnagle, Billy is dead! They slit his throat from ear to ear.

McGarnagle:
Hey I'm trying to eat lunch here!

TV Announcer:
Now on McGarnagle: McGarnagle is framed for a crime he didn't commit and only one witness can clear his name, a little sissy boy who's to scared to come forward.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, what took you so long? The game's almost over!

Homer Simpson:
I got hung up at the snack stand watching those hotdogs: rolling, and turning, not a care in the world... [to hotdog] No more lazy Saturdays for you! [eats it]

Prof. John Frink:
[writes something on his note pad] By my calculations we're only one strike away from victory. [the note pad is shown. It says '3-2=1'] Numbers are fun.

Marge Simpson:
I need a dress to wear for my son's big game. He's the star. I'm his mom. And he's my son!

Homer Simpson:
Uah! I hate shopping! I'm bored, my feet hurt, I'm too big for the choo-choo train...

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon:
[tests a mattress] Oh! I feel like I'm floating on a river of corpses.

Bart Simpson:
Behold, my naked butt! Each cheek is a god to you!

Homer Simpson:
My son caught the ball! This makes up for everything bad that has ever happened to me or ever will!

Chief Wiggum:
My wife's shopping for a swimsuit that doesn't make her look horsey, so I'm gonna be here a while.

[The Little League team is egging the crowd]

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, I'm missing all the fun.

Waylon Smithers:
Allow me, sir. [Lifts Burns over his shoulders]

Mr. Burns:
[As he is pelted with eggs] Ah, what glorious goo!

Milhouse van Houten:
I got it! I got it!

Bart Simpson:
[Pushes Milhouse away and catches the ball] I hogged it! I hogged it!

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, Fluffy died. Dad buried him in the backyard, but not in that order.

Marge Simpson:
All this time, I thought that billboard was to attract small businesses.

[Points to a billboard reading "Springfield:
Meanest City in America"]

Marge Simpson:
But now I know it's the truth!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, remember when we were discussing our greatest fears? Mine was snakes, and yours was...

Marge Simpson:
Never having grandchildren.

Homer Simpson:
Really? I thought it was Lisa with a beard of bees. Well, anyway, brace yourself.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, who is that man, and why is his enthusiasm not being punished?

Smithers:
That's Mark Cuban, the most flamboyant owner in the league.

Mark Cuban:
[sliding down a cable while holding sparklers] I'm out of my mind!

Mark Cuban:
What's the use of owning a basketball team if you don't have fun?

Mr. Burns:
Fun? Is that how it's pronounced? I've only seen it written.

Lisa Simpson:
I'll miss them.

Marge Simpson:
Now you know how I'll feel when you go off to college.

Lisa Simpson:
Don't worry, mom. You'll always have Bart. Always.

Marge Simpson:
But he'll be away fixing refrigerators.

Lisa Simpson:
Always!

Lisa Simpson:
Mr. Burns, you can't do that.

Mr. Burns:
I can, I am, and soon I shall have been. I'm unstoppable! [Turns around and walks into a tree] Have his acorns killed and make him watch.

Professor Frink:
See those red spots? This bee is suffering from bee measles. Or as I call it, beesles.

Homer Simpson:
Animals get sick?

Professor Frink:
I'm going to talk to the girl now.

Homer Simpson:
You're the nerd.

Lisa Simpson:
Listen, people. You didn't listen to me about the darter snail, you didn't listen to me about the osprey, and you didn't listen to me about the jabalina.

Lenny:
The feisty pig of the desert?

Lisa Simpson:
Apparently, not feisty enough.

Homer Simpson:
Flowers: the painted whores of the plant world.

[Lisa walks in with a beard of bees]

Abraham Simpson:
President Lincoln! You've come back, and you got rid of that hat. You've got my vote.

Professor Frink:
I'm going to spray myself with this pheromone and wait for a bee to be attracted.

Babe:
[appears out of nowhere] Marry me, and I'll support you for life!

Professor Frink:
You're not a bee! This stuff is useless.

[Homer gets shot with a tranquilizer dart]

Bart:
Dad! Oh, Dad!

Homer:
Avenge me, son. Avenge my death.

[starts snoring loudly]

Cowboy Bob:
[showing Homer an extremely used RV] Mr. Simpson, you'll never own a better RV than this; and I don't mean that in a good way. This is it for you, buddy; this is the best you can afford.

Cowboy Bob:
Man built this. It's a vehicle.

Homer:
And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear and they don't like it!

Lisa Simpson:
Remember, Dad. The handle of the big dipper points to the north star.

Homer:
That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

Lisa Simpson:
The Simpsons have entered the forest.

[reporting on video footage from the woods describing Homer as "Bigfoot"]

Newscaster:
Now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language, and most of all, its indescribable stench.

Groundskeeper Willy:
Yeah, I bought your mutt. And I 'ate him! [raises a huge bone of meat]

Bart Simpson:
[gasps]

Groundskeeper Willy:
[tears meat off the bone] I 'ate his little face, I 'ate his guts, and I 'ate the way he's always barkin'! [tosses a bone behind him] So, I gave him to the church.

Bart Simpson:
[relieved] Ohh, I see. You *hate* him, so you gave him to the church.

Groundskeeper Willy:
Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug!

[Bart turns around, stares at Willy]

Groundskeeper Willy:
Ya heard me!

[Bart's looking for his dog]

Willy:
Yeah, I bought your mutt - and I 'ate 'im.

[Bart gasps]

Willy:
I 'ate 'is little face, I 'ate 'is guts, and I 'ate the way 'e's always barkin'. So I gave 'im to the church.

Bart:
Ohhh, I see... you HATE him, so you gave him to the church.

Willy:
Aye. I also 'ate the mess he left on me rug.

[Bart stares]

Willy:
Ya heard me.

Homer:
You mean you gave away both your dogs? You know how I feel about giving.

Homer:
Well crying isn't going to help. Now, you can sit there feeling sorry for yourself or you can eat can after can of dog food until your tears smell enough like dog food until your dog comes back, or you can go out there and find your dog.

Bart:
You're right.

[Gets up and leaves]

Homer:
Rats. I almost had him eating dog food.

Mr Burns:
[the hounds case Ned Flanders away. Then a fat wheezy hound stumbles past trying to keep up] What's the matter with Crippler?

Homer:
I don't have to be careful. I have a gun.

Kent Brockman:
What started out as a traditional soccer riot has quickly escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. Reacting swiftly, Mayor Quimby declared "mob rule", meaning for the next several years, it's every family for themselves...

Homer:
I'd like your deadliest gun please.

Clerk:
Aisle 6- Next to the sympathy cards.

Homer:
When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power... like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

Homer:
I'd kill you if I had my gun.

Homer:
This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.

Marge:
You lied to me Homer. You told me you got rid of the gun.

Homer:
But Marge, I swear, I never thought you'd find out.

Homer:
I feel that if a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a bar, then its good enough to protect my family.

Krusty the Clown:
Hey yutz. Guns aren't toys - - they're for family protection, hunting dangerous and delicious animals, and keeping the king of England out your face.

Homer:
But Marge, a gun is a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon, or uhh... an alligator.

Homer:
[the soccer game has bored everyone to silence] Boring!

Krusty the Clown:
Come on, you shnorers! Do something!

Kent Brockman:
[bored] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. [sighs] Holds it.

Foreign-accented sports commentator:
[excited] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds It!

Homer:
[muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...

[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]

Homer:
...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...

Lisa:
Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?

Homer:
Marge kicked me out.

Lisa:
All right, go ahead.

Homer:
Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...

Homer:
Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.

[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]

Homer:
D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?

Lisa:
No...

Marge:
Homer! I don't want guns in my house! Don't you remember when Maggie shot Mr. Burns?

Homer:
I thought Smithers did it.

Lisa:
That would've made a lot more sense.

Agnes Skinner:
[Homer turns the TV on by shooting his gun at it] I've never seen such recklessness!

Louie:
You mighta hurt someone!

Cletus:
Are you some kind of moron?

Homer:
Yeah, but...

Krusty:
Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

Marge:
I've left Homer.

Selma Bouvier:
Thank God.

Marge:
So we need a place to spend the night.

Selma Bouvier:
Try the Sleep-Easy motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice.

Marge:
Why can't we stay here?

Selma Bouvier:
Aah... we have a gentleman caller.

TV Repair Man:
Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the?

Selma Bouvier:
Gotta go! [Selma shuts the door]

Clerk:
[Homer grabs for his gun, but the cashier holds onto it] Sorry, the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check.

Homer:
Five days? But I'm mad now! [the cashier pulls the gun away from him] I'd kill you if I had my gun.

Clerk:
Yeah, well, you don't.

Ex-con Salesman:
Looks like you called me just in time. This home isn't secure at all.

[starts to pocket a few items from around the house]

Homer:
What did I tell you, Marge?

Ex-con Salesman:
Intruders could come in down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries.

TV Commercial Voice:
You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Ariaga! Ariaga II! Bariaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

Homer:
Oh, I never heard of those people.

TV Commercial Voice:
And they'll all be signing autographs!

Homer:
Woo-hoo!

Marge:
Homer, we've got to get out of here!

Homer:
Ooh, but I want to do some rioting.

[pushes one of the Scotsmen]

Willie's Friend:
[turns to face Homer, screaming] Jobbers cobknots, ya mucker!

Homer:
All done!

[runs off]

Marge:
I'm a lucky woman.

Homer:
And I'm a wonderful man.

Marge:
[as the Simpsons eat from everything but the dinner plates which Bart and Homer shot at earlier] Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Bart Simpson:
Um...

Homer:
Um, you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA meeting! [points gun to himself]

Marge:
Homer, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table.

Homer:
You said the breakfast table.

Marge:
It's the same table!

Homer:
Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on. [attempts to put the safety on, but accidentally fires the gun. We see the bullet just nick Marge's shoulder in a picture of her hanging on a bulletin board] Oh... I guess the safety was on. [He tries again, but again accidentally fires it, this time hitting the same picture of Marge square in the chest] I'd better just put it down. [sets the gun on the table. While it rests there, the gun fires itself, and the bullet ricochets off a pot, hitting a knife sitting in a brick of cheese. The knife sails through the air, and stabs the same picture of Marge right between the eyes]

Lisa:
No offense Mom, but that was pretty cool.

Homer:
[the Mexican soccer team has the first possession of the ball and is cautiously kicking the ball around, setting up for a goal as the Portugal team stands there, awaiting the play to develop. The crowd quickly grows bored] [shouts] Boring!

Krusty:
Come on, you schnorers, do something!

Kent Brockman:
[sounding bored as he calls the actions] Halfback passes to the center. Back to the wing. Back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. [rolls eyes] Holds it...

Foreign-accented sports commentator:
[excitedly] Halfback passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!

Sideshow Mel:
I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving!

Moe:
Yeah, not before me you ain't.

Ned Flanders:
Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!

Moe:
Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! [puts Flanders into a headlock]

Principal Skinner:
Hey, now, that's uncalled for.

Lenny:
Shut your hole, Skinner! [punches Skinner in the stomach which causes him to fall down the stairs]

Clerk:
Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley.

Homer:
I don't have to be careful, I got a gun.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Ach! They call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!

Homer:
Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.

Clerk:
Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...

Homer:
Yeah.

Clerk:
frequent problems with alcohol...

Homer:
[nervously] Yeah.

Clerk:
...beat up President Bush!

Homer:
Former President Bush. [the owner slaps a red rubber stamper on Homer's printout] "Potentially dangerous"?

Clerk:
Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.

Homer:
Woo hoo!

Homer:
A gun is not a weapon, Marge. It's a tool. Like a butcher knife, or a harpoon, or... uh, a... an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what. You come with me to an N.R.A. meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we can argue some more.

Lenny:
Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel, and the electric eel.

Bart Simpson:
[after he finds Homer's gun and tries to shoot an apple off Milhouse's head] And the next marksman is: William Tell, Jr.!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Jinx!

Marge:
[when she comes home; gasps] Bart!

Homer:
Oh, I see Bart gets to have a gun.

Marge:
You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun.

Homer:
I put it in a safe place, Marge! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?

Marge:
How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!

Homer:
But, Marge, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!

Marge:
Mmm... until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, kids. [takes the kids and leaves]

Homer:
So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine. [door slams; Homer turns to Milhouse] Do you know how to cook dinner?

Milhouse Van Houten:
[excitedly] Do I? [starts looking through a cabinet, rummaging through pots and pans]

Bart Simpson:
Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling?

Camera:
No. Go back to sleep.

Homer:
[to Marge] Oh, honey, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks!

Marge:
What about the gun?

Homer:
It's gone for good, Marge. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect?

Marge:
Oh, Homey... [she and Homer hug] Come on, kids, we're going home!

Marge:
How did you know we were being robbed?

Lenny:
The clerk here pressed the silent alarm, and we picked it up on our scanners.

Lisa:
Did anyone stop that robber?

Moe:
No, I don't think so.

Homer:
I'm sorry I lied to you, Marge. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun. So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again.

Lenny:
Hey, let's go to the girls college!

Carl:
No! Playboy Mansion, Playboy Mansion!

Homer Simpson:
It's my car, and I say we're going to the Lost City of Gold!

Barney Gumble:
[angry] Oh, that's just drunk talk!

[dreamy]

Barney Gumble:
Sweet, beautiful drunk talk...

Homer Simpson:
[drunk] Goodnight, Barney. Don't forget to bring back my car back tomorrow. Just slide it under the door.

Khlav Kalesh Guy:
Fresh Khlav kalash! Get your khlav kalash!

Homer Simpson:
Hey, uh, could you go across the street and get me a slice of pizza?

Khlav Kalesh Guy:
No pizza, only khlav kalash.

Homer Simpson:
Aw, shoot... Oh, all right, all right, gimme one bowl.

Khlav Kalesh Guy:
[whips out something reddish on a stick] No bowl, stick, stick.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer buys one, tries it] Oh, geez! That's just awful.

[finishes it]

Homer Simpson:
Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?

Khlav Kalesh Guy:
Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.

Homer Simpson:
Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.

[Homer drinks the can of crab juice, then several more]

Homer Simpson:
[burps] Uh-oh. Uh, you got a men's room in there?

Khlav Kalesh Guy:
[disturbed] Only khlav kalash. Men's room in tower. Tower! Observation deck!

Wealthy Dowager:
[after getting pushed by Homer on his way to the men's room] How frightfully rude! I do hope someone stabs him in the eye.

Bart Simpson:
When I grow up, I wanna be in the Betty Ford Center.

Marge Simpson:
You'd better start saving now, it's very expensive.

Lisa Simpson:
Shh! They're strapping down Liza Minelli.

Homer:
[after Barney has been missing for two months] Barney, where have you been?

Barney:
All I can remember about the last two months, is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

Homer:
All right, New York. I'm coming back. But you're not gonna get this!

[Homer throws his wallet into the lit fireplace]

Lisa:
Dad, our baby pictures are in there.

Homer:
Don't you start!

Marge:
Homer, I don't want you driving around in a car you built yourself.

Homer:
You can sit there complaining, or you can knit me some seat belts.

[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]

Lenny:
Hey, let's go to the girl's college.

Carl:
No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.

Homer Simpson:
Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

Marge Simpson:
Wow! I feel like such a nobody.

Homer:
That's it. I'm getting out of this town alive if it kills me.

Homer, Lenny, Carl:
[drunk and singing] Dada dada dada dada dada, Macarena. HEY MACARENA!

Homer Simpson:
Hey, eveybody, I'm Peter Pantsless!

Lisa Simpson:
[Upon seeing dead rabbits hanging in a store window] Mom, are those rabbits dead?

Marge:
No, they're just, uh, sleeping. Upside down. And... inside out.

Bart Simpson:
[after witnessing the craziness at the MAD Magazine offices] Wow! I will never wash these eyes again!

Marge:
You know, when I was a little girl, I always dreamed of being in a Broadway audience!

Lisa:
[During the musical] Ssshh! They're strapping down Liza Minnelli!

Homer:
They expect me to wait here from 9 to 5? That's... how many hours?

[looks at watch; counts fingers]

Homer:
10, 11... denominator... Awww where's Lisa when ya need her?

Lisa Simpson:
[Researching her family tree] No, this can't be right! They're all horrible!

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, the Simpson family is a long line of horse thieves, deadbeats, horse beats, dead thieves, and even a few alcoholics.

Lisa Simpson:
There must have been a few good ancestors. Grandpa, don't you know any?

Abraham Simpson:
Not a one! Maybe the nicest was Abigail Simpson, who you know as the Pittsburgh Poisoner.

Homer Simpson:
If I were you, I wouldn't dig into the past. I lived in some of that past, and I got out for a reason.

Lisa Simpson:
I won't give up! I have to know that somewhere in the muck and the mire and the Pittsburgh Poisoners, this family had a noble spark, and I will find it! Even if I have to go back to Adam and Eve.

Abraham Simpson:
Oh, you mean Adam and Eve Simpson, or as you may know them, Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.

Grampa Simpson:
[to Lisa when she looks sad] Don't cry, meat pie!

Lisa Simpson:
I can't believe the Simpsons were descended from slave owners.

Homer Simpson:
Me neither. For once, a Simpson in management.

Marge Simpson:
Homer!

Hiram Simpson:
What's for dinner tonight?

Mabel Simpson:
Possum.

Hiram Simpson:
Again? Why can't we ever have opossum?

Mabel Simpson:
Not on your salary.

Hiram Simpson:
I can't believe I buttoned my britches for this.

Bart Simpson:
[after blowing up a tree stump] Wait, here comes the mykia.

Groundskeeper Willie:
What's a mykia?

[the stump falls on Skinner's car]

Principal Skinner:
My Kia!

Abraham Simpson:
I'm taking that secret to my grave, or urn, or medical college dissecting table, or wherever you're planning on dumping me.

Lisa Simpson:
But why would you keep it a secret from us all these years?

Abraham Simpson:
Well, how can I explain this to a young person? People of my generation were, you know...

Lisa Simpson:
Racist?

Abraham Simpson:
That's it!

Grampa Simpson:
I warn you, sweetie. Whatever is in that journal, if it's about a Simpson, it's no good.

Grampa Simpson:
Our ancestors were kicked out of Australia.

Marge Simpson:
Bart, what are you going to do for Black History Month?

Homer Simpson:
I know, you could march to Selma, and tell her she's ugly.

Colonel Burns:
I don't like this new Viennese fad called the waltz. One-two-three, one-two-three... where's the four? There's always a four on music.

Smithers:
I'll talk to the conductor to see if he can change the time signature.

Colonel Burns:
See that you do.

Ralph Wiggum:
Martin Luther King had a dream. Dreams are where Elmo and Toy Story had a party and I was invited. Yay! My turn is over!

Principal Skinner:
One of your best, Ralphie.

Lisa Simpson:
Not only did we restore our familiy honor, it turns out we're one-fourth black.

Bart Simpson:
So that's why I'm so cool.

Lisa Simpson:
So that's why my jazz is so smooth.

Homer Simpson:
So that's why I earn less than my white co-workers.

Storekeeper:
You're not a sucker, are you sir?

Homer:
Oh, heavens no!

Homer:
[as Homer uses a raft to escape the island, Rover pops up] AHH! An anti-escape orb [He looks around and pops Rover with a fork]

Number Two:
[Number Two and the scientist are observing Homer's escape] Why did you think a big balloon would stop him?

Scientist #1:
SHUT UP! That's why!

Homer:
Oh, they have the Internet on computers now.

Comic Book Guy:
Ack. There is no "emoticon" to express what I am feeling right now.

[number 6 shows Homer the boat he built]

Number Six:
I fashioned it out of toilet paper rolls, toothpicks, plastic forks, scabs, and dynamite, its small but it can carry both of us to...

[Homer pushes him, steals his boat & sails off]

Number Six:
that's the third time that's happened.

[Marge and Lisa come home, and find Homer lying on his back, unable to move]

Marge Simpson:
Homer! What happened?

Homer Simpson:
The boy... bring me the boy.

[while cleaning his room, a box rattles]

Bart Simpson:
Hello... what have we here?

[opens the box]

Bart Simpson:
[gasp] A cherry bomb! I thought I blew all you guys up!

Bart Simpson:
Ah, the life of a frog. That's the life for me.

[Bart has found a cherry bomb]

Milhouse Van Houten:
So you're gonna flush it?

Bart Simpson:
What can I say? I got a weakness for the classics.

Principal Skinner:
Mr. and Mrs. Simpson, we have transcended incorrigible. I don't think suspension or expulsion is going to do it. I think it behooves us all to consider... deportation.

Marge Simpson:
Deportation? You mean kick Bart out of the country?

Homer Simpson:
Hear him out, Marge.

Homer Simpson:
Wait a minute, Skinner! How do we know some French principal over there isn't playing the same stunt you are?

Principal Skinner:
Well, for one thing you wouldn't be getting a French boy. You'd be getting an Albanian.

Homer Simpson:
You mean all-white with pink eyes?

Bart Simpson:
So, basically I met one nice French person.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I'd love a glass of that wine Bart brought us.

Homer Simpson:
[grunting] Sorry, Marge. Some wiseguy stuck a cork in the bottle.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, mon pere. Quel boufou!

[translated, "My father. What a buffoon!"]

Homer Simpson:
You hear that, Marge? My boy speaks French!

Principal Skinner:
The disturbance occurred this morning, when your sun flushed an explosive device down the boys' lavatory.

Homer Simpson:
Heh heh, that old gag.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, stop watching movies that are playing on other people's cars.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, but I'm invested in the characters.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, if you were married to DaVinci, would you tell him not to DaVinch?

Lisa Simpson:
Making friends with lots of people on line is easier than meeting one person in person. What if I made a gathering site where everyone is equal and I'm the undisputed center?

Lisa Simpson:
I have a thousand friends, and only eight of them are Milhouse.

Homer Simpson:
This new computer is great. I'm watching a Sofia Coppola movie at twenty times the speed so that it looks like a regular movie.

Marge Simpson:
I think it just froze. No, wait. That bird just moved.

Lisa Simpson:
I created something popular!

Homer Simpson:
And I created something that created something popular.

Abraham Simpson:
And I created an alcoholic hippo.

Homer Simpson:
Well, you never showed it to me.

Abraham Simpson:
A stupid alcoholic hippo.

Homer Simpson:
Are you just saying that because you don't want to show me the hippo?

Abraham Simpson:
You're the hippo!

Homer Simpson:
All right, don't show me the hippo!

Abraham Simpson:
There is no hippo!

Dexter Colt, P.I.:
You know, Homer, ever Since I first met you, I always knew I would kill you in a hall of mirrors.

Homer Simpson:
How ironic. Now he's blind after a life of enjoying being able to see.

Dexter Colt, P.I.:
Where's Principal Skinner's office?

Groundskeeper Willie:
Wait a minute. You can't just walk in there.

Dexter Colt, P.I.:
You know, you're the spitting image of the Aberdeen strangler.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Carry on.

[leaves, whistling]

Lisa Simpson:
[At a protest against animal testing of consumer products] Look at the way they're slathering cosmetics on those helpless pigs!

Homer Simpson:
So sad... yet so sexy... yet so delicious.

Ralph:
[knocks on door] Hi. Can Lisa come out with her hands up?

[waves to cops hiding in bushes]

Homer Simpson:
More free samples.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, you ate all the free samples! Now you're eating man's slacks!

Homer Simpson:
It's still better than Indian food.

Lisa Simpson:
[expecting the diary] I wonder what this could be...

Homer Simpson:
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised!

Lisa Simpson:
Could it be some kind of book?

Homer Simpson:
Well, yes and no... [Lisa unwraps it] Mostly no.

Chief Wiggum:
[to Marge] Would an innocent person flee? [beat] No, really, tell me, I honestly don't know.

Lou:
Chief, no.

Ralph:
Even I knew that!

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, I'm, I'm not good...

Krusty the clown:
[as talking Krusty doll] I wonder what mommy's medicine tastes like.

Bartender in video:
Bad news, Sherrif...

Homer Simpson:
[voice-over] Lisa Simpson!

Bartender in video:
Some Indians took all the...

Homer Simpson:
McNuggets! Mmm, McNuggets [drools] .

Milhouse:
How come you get so many valentines? All I got were from my mom and my optometrist.

Bart Simpson:
That's a bill.

Milhouse:
No, it's not! It has a heart stamp.

Bart Simpson:
Why would a dude do everything a dame wants on Valentines Day?

Homer Simpson:
It's a trade-off. We do whatever women want on Valentines Day, and they let us blow stuff up on the Fourth of July. I just hope the two don't fall on the same day.

Bart Simpson:
According to the wisdom of our elders, if you ride the swing the whole way around, your body will turn inside out.

Milhouse:
At last, my beauty will be on the outside!

Lisa Simpson:
What happened to you? You were so brave at the dessert bar.

Nick:
I sure was. I'm allergic to chocolate.

Bart Simpson:
I don't want to be the guy who killed everyone's fun. That's Skinner's job.

Principal Skinner:
Don't look at me. I didn't kill everyone's fun, fun killer.

Marge Simpson:
It's a beautiful day outside. No more watching TV.

Bart Simpson:
Little does she know that our viewing platforms are multi.

Jamie Hyneman:
Tonight we take on the classic myth that a cat will always land on its feet.

Adam Savage:
We didn't want to hurt a real cat so we took this Build-A-Bear carcass...

Jamie Hyneman:
Stuffed it with ballistic gel, shot it with a 20 foot barrel steam cannon...

Adam Savage:
And made a scatter plot of the remains. Booyah!

Jamie Hyneman:
What was it we were trying to prove again?

Adam Savage:
Don't know, don't care.

Homer Simpson:
You're from Portland? I've heard about people coming from there.

Homer Simpson:
[Thinking] No, I didn't.

Homer Simpson:
Can I man-hug you?

Terrence:
Sure.

Homer Simpson:
[flails his arms] I don't know how!

Bart Simpson:
Where's your TV?

T-Rex:
Tee-vee? We don't own a tee-vee.

Lisa Simpson:
I didn't know that was an option!

Bart Simpson:
I think we're done here. Lisa, go nuts.

Marge Simpson:
[Picks up copy of The Onion] "Scientists Prove That Cat Heaven Is Real But People Heaven Is Not"? That's so sad.

Emily:
No, Marge. It's not a real headline. It's satire.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, satire. And these fake movie reviews are so mean, they're hilarious!

Emily:
No, those are real reviews.

Marge Simpson:
Great newspaper.

Homer Simpson:
Well, guess what, cool people! Parents are supposed to be lame. That's so their kids have something to rebel against and be cool long enough to get married and have kids for whom they are lame. It's nature's way.

Krusty:
Well, Itchy & Scratchy are gone. But here's a cartoon that tried to make learning fun! Sorry about this, kids. But stay tuned! We've got some real good toy commercials coming right up, I swear.

Kid:
Hey, who left all this garbage on the steps of Congress?

The Amendment:
I'm not garbage.

[singing]

The Amendment:
I'm an Amendment to be, yes an Amendment to be, and I'm hoping that they'll ratify me. There's a lot of flag burners who have got too much freedom. I wanna make it legal for policeman to beat'em, cause there's limits to our liberty, least I hope and prey that there are, 'cause those liberal freaks go too far!

Kid:
Why can't we just make a law against flag burning?

The Amendment:
Because that law would be unconstitutional. But if we change the Constitution...

Kid:
Then we can make all sorts of crazy laws!

The Amendment:
Now you're catching on!

Bart Simpson:
What the hell is this?

Lisa Simpson:
It's one of those campy 70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X-ers.

Bart Simpson:
We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little.

Kid:
What if people say you're not good enough to be in the Constitution?

The Amendment:
Then I'll crush all opposition to me, and I'll make Ted Kennedy pay, if he fights back, I'll say that he's gay!

[everyone is eating at the table; Abe and Chester glare at each other]

Abe Simpson:
I thought I recognized you! I gave you a plate of corn muffins back in 1947 to paint my chicken coop, and you never did it!

Chester J. Lampwick:
Those corn muffins were lousy!

Abe Simpson:
Paint my chicken coop!

Chester J. Lampwick:
Make me!

[Abe gets up and the two start brawling]

Marge Simpson:
That does it! One of them has to go!

Homer Simpson:
Okay, Grampa.

Marge Simpson:
No, the B-U-M.

Homer Simpson:
Oh.

Bart Simpson:
[after film is destroyed, in a subdued voice] D'Oh.

Roger Meyers Jr.:
Okay, maybe my dad did steal Itchy. So what? Animation is built on plagiarism. If it weren't for someone plagiarizing the Honeymooners we wouldn't have the Flintstones. If someone hadn't ripped off Sergeant Bilko, there'd be no Top Cat. Huckleberry Hound, Chief Wiggum, Yogi Bear? Hah! Andy Griffith, Edward G. Robinson, Art Carney. Your honor, you take away our right to steal ideas, where are they gonna come from?

[Bart and Milhouse are watching the original Itchy cartoon]

Milhouse:
Watch out, Itchy. He's Irish.

Chester J. Lampwick:
He didn't create Itchy: I did.

Bart Simpson:
Huh?

Chester J. Lampwick:
He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

Bart:
If I ever stop loving violence, I want you to shoot me.

Bart:
Bye, mom. Bye, dad.

Bart:
Downton.

Bart:
Save our seats.

Bart:
How come I've never seen that Itchy & Scratchy before?

Bart:
Cool. I'll give you 10 bucks for that.

Bart:
It's valuable, huh?

Bart:
Loser.

Bart:
The mouse.

Bart:
Whoa! Whoa!

Bart:
Oh, forget this. I'm outta here.

Bart:
Hey, wait up!

Bart:
Show some respect, man. That "no talent" created Itchy and Scratchy.

Bart:
You invented Itchy - the Itchy and Scratchy Itchy?

Bart:
Well, I'm not callin' you liar, but - [sighs] but I can't think of a way to finish that sentence.

Bart:
Itchy the lucky mouse in manhattan madness.

Bart:
Itchy runs afoul of an irishman.

Bart:
Look at that fat oaf.

Bart:
All right, chester! Woo!

Bart:
I can't believe it. That was Itchy all right. You did invent him. When people see this, you'll be rich and famous.

Bart:
You can't just go back to the gutter. You created itchy. You should be a millionaire.

Bart:
You asked roger myers sr. for money. Roger myers jr.'s in change of the studio now. He's a good man. Every christmas he goes down the pound... and rescues one cat and one mouse and gives to a hungry family.

Bart:
Hmm. Well, you can stay at my house until then. My parents won't mind because they won't even know about it.

Bart:
All right. The coast is clear.

Bart:
There's a box you can sleep in.

Bart:
Just move that cot outta the way.

Bart:
Do you know what radon is?

Bart:
Good night.

Bart:
He's not a regular bum, mom. he's a genius bum. He created itchy, he's the father of cartoon violence.

Bart:
He just needs to stay here till tomorrow. We're goin' down to itchy & scratchy studios to pick up his check.

Bart:
A thousand dollars? But your ad says "no money down."

Bart:
So you don't work on a contingency basis?

Bart:
Hey, dad, can I have thousand dollars?

Bart:
To pay for a lawyer for my bum.

Bart:
Wait! There's an easy way to get rid of chester... without the guilt of sending him back to the gutter. And all it will cost you is a thousand dollars.

Bart:
I've got it! Dad, give me $750 dollars.

Bart:
Keep the trial going. I'll be right back.

Bart:
I knew I had seen this exact scene somewhere else. It was in the movie mr. lampwick showed me. Ladies and gentlemen, this drawing was made in 1919 - nine years before roger myers made his first itchy and scratchy cartoon.

Bart:
Careful. Careful. Whoops. It's there!

Bart:
We killed itchy and scratchy?

Bart:
Ow! We gotta get Itchy and Scratchy back.

Lisa:
And soon!

Bart:
Ow!

Bart:
You've got to make more itchy and scratchy cartoons.

Bart:
Look, if money's the only problem, I know a guy who has lots of it.

Bart:
Hi, chester. Listen. Would you pay to make more itchy and scratchy cartoons?

Bart:
Dad, can we have $183,000 dollars?

Bart:
Lisa and I want to finance a series of animated cartoons

Bart:
Yeah. I agree. You wanna start on tryin' to get apu out of jail?

Bart:
[pants] What a perfect plan. Now roger myers's hotel is just...

Bart:
What the hell is going on?

Bart:
I never even heard about that.

Bart:
[pants] I guess you don't need it now, but... we had a plan too.

Bart:
Well, I wasn't the one who solve the problem, and neither was lisa. There's something unsettling about that.

[last lines]

Ralph Wiggum:
The rat symbolizes obviousness!

Superintendent Chalmers:
Now that we have a man on the inside, we'll put Bart Simpson away from a long, long time.

Principal Skinner:
By long, the most we can give him is five days suspension.

Superintendent Chalmers:
That's long for a kid.

Homer Simpson:
Son, from the day I met you, we didn't always see eye to eye, but since then I've really grown to respect you. And unlike love, respect can't be bought.

Skinner:
Young man, I'm going to be on you like a numerator on a denominator.

Ralph Wiggum:
When he grows up, I wanna be like me.

Bart Simpson:
[making Skinner dance with magnets] This almost makes me want to learn how magnets work.

Groundskeeper Willie:
I have some information for you, but it's gonna be hard to hear.

Bart Simpson:
Why, because of your stupid accent?

Groundskeeper Willie:
Ach, nay! Because of it's upsetting nature.

Homer Simpson:
I'll have you know I love this car as much as I love my children. [drives off with Lisa in the loaner car]

Lisa Simpson:
Uh, dad?

Homer Simpson:
[drives back] Oops! Sorry, Maggie.

Bart Simpson:
I've had this planned for a long time. We're gonna egg Skinner's house.

Nelson Muntz:
We've already egged his car, his house, and his father's grave. How is this gonna be any different?

Bart Simpson:
Because we're using an ostrich egg.

[all gasp]

Bart Simpson:
Usually you can't get them unless you buy an ostrich and wait.

Donny:
How much of it is yolk?

Bart Simpson:
The whole thing!

Nelson Muntz, Donny:
Ooooh!

Nelson Muntz:
Hard to believe this came out of some animal's butt. It's beautiful in it's own way.

Homer Simpson:
Come, Marge. Your loaner car awaits. [pushes unlock button]

Marge Simpson:
Homer, did you just open the car from the outside? Oooh!

Bart Simpson:
You were tired of being under my shadow.

Milhouse:
No, I'm not! I like being under your shadow! It's nice and cool!

Skinner:
Where do you think you're going?

Bart Simpson:
Go back to your knitting, Seymour.

Skinner:
I will, but not because you told me to.

Nelson Muntz:
Running away rules!

Mr. Burns:
Congratulations, I dub thee king of the morons, also known as supervisor for sector 7-G.

Carl Carlson:
Homer, you've hardly had any meltdowns all week, so I'm making you executive assistant.

Homer Simpson:
Why can't I keep the job I have now, whatever it is?

Carl Carlson:
Easy now, big fella. Either be my assistant, or seek work elsewhere. And in this economy, elsewhere ain't hiring.

Homer Simpson:
Very well, I guess I'm at your beck.

Carl Carlson:
And call.

Homer Simpson:
Nooo!

Carl Carlson:
Yeah.

Ned Flanders:
Well, boys, your old man is back on the bean, thanks to Christian prayer and good old doctor Sheldon Lowelstein.

Carla Bruni-Sarkozy:
Monsieur Carlson, what has been your favorite thing about Paris?

Carl Carlson:
Oh, I really loved the...

[Homer, reading a travel guide, whispers in his ear]

Carl Carlson:
...Louvre. Everything about it is so...

[Homer whispers]

Carl Carlson:
...closed on Mondays.

Homer Simpson:
Ye-bonjour!

Carl Carlson:
Homer, there's a moth in my room. Where are you?

Homer Simpson:
Where I should have been all along. In Springfield.

Carl Carlson:
What? You get back to the Eternal City of Lights, or you're fired.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I don't think so. You know that woman you've been playing "hide the baguette" with? She's French first lady Carla Bruni. You fire me, and I'll call Nicolas Sarkozy, and he'll be all over you like Truffaut on Hitchcock.

Carl Carlson:
You wouldn't dare!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, wouldn't I? Just listen!

[Dials other cell phone]

President Nicholas Sarkozy:
[On phone] Allo, you are getting cozy with Sarkozy.

Carl Carlson:
All right, Homer, you win. Give Marge my best.

Homer Simpson:
I will, but first, I'll be giving her mine.

Evil French Guy:
[Picking up phone Homer threw out] Nuclear secrets, picture of Lenny... everything I need for my plan.

Homer Simpson:
See? He hasn't changed a bit.

Carl Carlson:
[On P.A] Yes I have, in ways you are only beginning to suspect.

Lenny Leonard:
So Ted, what are you gonna do now that you don't have to look after us idiots anymore?

Ted:
I'm gonna fill the emptiness with gardening and Mandarin lessons.

[Speaks Mandarin]

Chinese Man:
[to Homer] It's garbage. It's total garbage.

Bart Simpson:
Quit dragging me! When you're older, I'm gonna drag you around and buy you clothes!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, that would be very nice.

Bart Simpson:
D'oh!

Edna Krabappel:
Today, we're going to read about Washington crossing the Delaware.

Nelson Muntz:
I'd rather see Bart's mom in her underwear.

Edna Krabappel:
The British side was under the command of General Howe.

Nelson Muntz:
I give Bart's mom a general wow!

Bart Simpson:
Stop that, she's my mom!

Nelson Muntz:
Keep-away with Bart's mom! [Throws calendar to Milhouse]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Oh, Mrs. S. You can tuck me in anytime.

Bart Simpson:
[Aims slingshot at Milhouse] Okay, buddy. Lower the eyebrows, nice and easy. [Milhouse lowers one eyebrow] Now the other one. [Milhouse lowers the other eyebrow, but then raises it again; Bart hits him with slingshot]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Ow! It's stuck! Now I'll have a quizzical expression all day.

Nelson Muntz:
I'd like to get quizzical with Bart's mom. [Bart tackles Nelson and they fight]

Marge Simpson:
Where are you kids going? I told you we were having dinner with the Flanderses.

Lisa Simpson:
Sorry, mom, but I'm going to a slumber party at Janie's.

Bart Simpson:
And I'm going to a stink bomb party at the house next to Janie's. No relation.

Photographer:
Now, who's my next sexy historical lady?

Marge Simpson:
I am. The Tiger Woods of the 1930s, Babe Didrikson Zaharias.

Photographer:
Honey, I'm gonna need more "Babe" and less "Didrikson Zaharias".

Marge Simpson:
All right then, I'll take off one glove.

Homer Simpson:
I'm an action figure, and I hate action!

Bart Simpson:
TV has gotten so lousy.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Did you ever wonder if hippos think that rhinos are unicorns?

Bart Simpson:
TV's not so bad.

Sideshow Mel:
You may think that the slide whistle is just a whistle that slides. Let me disprove you of that notion. [Plays "Flight of the Bumblebee" on slide whistle]

Bart Simpson:
Pass.

Sideshow Mel:
Do you have any idea how difficult...

Bart Simpson:
Pass! [Mel plays sad slide, then continues with "Flight of the Bumblebee]

Marge Simpson:
[as Slava puts car on reverse] What are you doing?

Slava:
I'm trying to drive car backwards, like Russian economy under Putin.

Marge Simpson:
Stop making Putin jokes!

Slava:
You sound like police... under Putin.

Homer Simpson:
Marge has never seen my head naked. Maybe I can wear a cowboy hat.

Rich Texan:
Cowboy hat just means you have a small penis. And don't even ask me what this means. [Takes out guns and fires them in the air] Yee-hah! I'm compensatin'!

Homer Simpson:
As God as my witness, this fist shall be pumped!

Jimbo Jones:
[after Bart disarms Dolph and Kearney] Whoa, dude! Where did you learn those moves?

Bart Simpson:
I'd tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya. Want me to tell ya?

Jimbo Jones:
No! I won't listen!

Homer Simpson:
Your voice is so gravelly, just like Lauren Bacall.

Wayne:
I can't live in the real world!

Abraham Simpson:
This is the real world? Hot diggity dog! I'm still alive! And I'll treasure every moment, except the ones that aren't like they used to be, which is all of them. Oh, somebody kill me now!

Wayne:
Put every last fish back in the aquarium! One of those fish is lying.

Homer Simpson:
Are you a Care Bear?

Care Bear:
[Holding a crowbar] I'm an Intensive Care Bear.

Homer Simpson:
Why would a bear hold a crowbar?

Care Bear:
Eh, I didn't want to get my hands dirty.

Homer:
*Finally*... Science has joined forces with Revenge.

Homer:
Wow. Sprawl-Mart has everything, even videos of talking Christian vegetables.

Cucumber Moses:
[zooms in on TV] King Yamses, we will not build your food pyramid. Let my pickles go!

Father Sean:
[recalling what St. Peter said to him] Sean, you wanker, repent of your wicked ways or sod off.

Reverend Lovejoy:
[to Father Sean] back off, Popey Le Pew!

Marge:
[to Bart] Now we have to find another school for you.

Homer:
And if you get kicked out of that one, you're going straight in the army, where you'll be sent straight to America's latest military quagmire. Where will it be? North Korea? Iran? Anything's possible with Commander Cuckoo-Bananas in charge.

Lisa:
That's Latin, Dad; the language of Plutarch.

Homer:
Mickey Mouse's dog?

Homer:
[after Homer confesses his sins] Woohoo! I'm clean! In your face, lord!

Father Sean:
Not quite, Mr. Simpson. I can only absolve you if you're a Catholic.

Homer:
Riiiiight. And how do I join? Do I whale on some Unitarians?

Homer Simpson:
Shouldn't a person have the right to choose his own religion?

Lisa:
As strange as it seems, Dad, I agree.

Homer Simpson:
What?

Lisa:
Well, as you well know, I'm a fully pledged Buddhist.

Father Sean:
[laughs] Buddhist? Well, I suppose some children have imaginary friends...

Lisa:
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.

Homer:
Bart, I can't believe you got expelled! Well, don't expect to spend all week lying around on the couch like a bum, 'cause that's MY thing!

Marge:
Bart, would you like to say grace?

Bart:
Yesum!

[Bart says grace in Latin]

Homer:
What the hell was that?

Lisa:
Bart's speaking Latin, the language of Plutarc.

Homer:
[Homer looks blankly] Micky Mouse's dog?

Homer:
Once you go to the Vatican, you can't go back again!

Marge Simpson:
This tree reminds me of your father. It's round in the middle, thinning on top, and your hands are sticky when you touch it.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, I thought you didn't want a Christmas tree.

Lisa Simpson:
I didn't at first, but this tree is to remind us of mom. It serves as a reminder that someday this war will be over.

Homer Simpson:
And someday TV will be invented, and it will be free, at first.

Lisa Simpson:
Until then, this tree will stand for mom and everything she stands for: hope, family, and sweeping up dried needles.

Martha Claus:
You boys want to play soldier?

Bart Simpson:
I can't think of a better way to celebrate Jesus' birthday.

[Martha puts poker stands on Bart's and Milhouse's heads, then wraps red tape around their bodies]

Milhouse Van Houten:
I don't think I like where this is going.

Martha Claus:
[Wraps tape over Milhouse's and Bart's mouths] I don't think anyone asked your opinion.

Mr. Burns:
You lied to me. Release the hounds.

[Dogs bark at a distance]

Mr. Burns:
They'll be here any minute now.

[a sock puppet dog appears]

Sock Puppet Dog:
We, uh, spent all the money on Katy Perry.

Katy Perry:
Aw, looks like someone needs a hug.

[Hugs and kisses Mr. Burns]

Mr. Burns:
I kissed a girl, and I liked it.

Moe Szyslak:
[Jumping to try to kiss Katy Perry] I guess I'll just have to kiss your belly button.

[Kisses her midsection]

Katy Perry:
That's not my belly button. I didn't say stop.

Homer Simpson:
Mr. Burns! What are you doing here?

Mr. Burns:
I got a visit from three Christmas spirits.

Abe Simpson:
[on a balcony with Jasper] I wish this show got a visit from three new writers. [He and Jasper laugh]

Abe Simpson:
Well, it looks like this'll finally kill it.

Jasper:
The Simpsons?

Abe Simpson:
No, Christmas.

Bart Simpson:
Isn't this the busy season? Where are the other elves?

Milhouse Van Houten:
Laid off.

Nelson Muntz:
Ever since NAFTA, all the jobs have been going to the South Pole.

Agnes Skinner:
How come you're not off fighting like a real man?

Homer Simpson:
I'm too fat to fit in a foxhole.

Homer Simpson:
Don't worry. I'm sure if something happened to your mother, they would have told us.

Pimple-faced Teen:
Telegram!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh! [reads telegram] "Marge Simpson is now MIA"? Oh, no! She changed her name to Mia!

Pimple-faced Teen:
No, that means she's missing in action. [Homer cries]

Lisa Simpson:
See? Everytime we get a tree, something bad happens. [runs away]

Homer Simpson:
I wish it were me instead of her!

Pimple-faced Teen:
There's still time. The recruitment office is right...

Homer Simpson:
Shut up.

Homer Simpson:
Alright food nerds, reality check. All the food in those pictures is poop by now. Minds blown, you're welcome.

Krusty:
Hey, hey kids! [laughs] Krustyland has a new ride, the eyeballs of death. It only passed the safety panel by a three to two vote, and that third vote didn't come cheap. [laughs]

[last lines]

Marge Simpson:
This is nice. A family fun day.

Homer Simpson:
[to kids] Here's fifty bucks. [hands kids $50 bill] For the next two hours, I don't want to know you exist. [laughs]

[kids run off]

Homer Simpson:
Family fun day. [kisses Marge]

[first lines]

Marge Simpson:
And here's a marble for Lisa for cleaning her room. And a marble for Bart for not trashing Lisa's room. The jars are full! So, you've earned your Saturday Surprise Dad Day!

Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson:
Yay!

Homer Simpson:
This Saturday, from the dad who brought you cemetery paintball, and go-karts on real roads, comes the greatest activity yet...

Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson:
Video game convention!

Marge Simpson:
The kids sure had a good time with you.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, I was on today. Scary on.

Marge Simpson:
How come they never call me Fun Mom?

Homer Simpson:
Look, honey. A family's like a team. And on every team, you have the slam-dunking megastar and the referee.

Marge Simpson:
It's not fair. Moms want to be fun, but we're stuck with all the mom stuff.

Homer Simpson:
OK, OK. How about this: Next week, you take the kids on a Saturday Surprise Dad Day?

Marge Simpson:
What if, we rolled pennies and go to the dollar store?

Homer Simpson:
That's good, Marge. Get all the terrible ideas out of your system.

Homer Simpson:
And check these out.

Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
VIP passes!

Homer Simpson:
Is there any better feeling than cutting in line because a plastic badge says you're special?

Foodie:
We discovered Korean food in this town.

Lisa Simpson:
You mean before the Koreans?

Foodie:
Sure, they cook it, but they don't get it.

Lisa Simpson:
They're using pancakes as spoons.

Bart Simpson:
Let's see what else they do wrong.

Bart Simpson:
Come on, dad, be a foodie. You're already a fatty and a drunky.

Homer Simpson:
Our kids don't eat sorbet, they eat sherbet, and they pronounce it sherbet and wish it was ice-cream.

Marge Simpson:
Why do old squirrels crawl into my engine to die?

Homer Simpson:
I've come around on hipsters. It takes a lot of guts to all wear the same hat.

Fox News Helicopter Pilot:
[as the Fox News representative leaves, the helicopter falls] Gaah! We're unbalanced! That's not fair!

Marge Simpson:
[to Comic Book Guy, dressed as Wolverine] This isn't a line for a movie. Why are you in costume?

Comic Book Guy:
Because you see, I'm afraid of needles, but Wolverine is not.

[retracts claws]

Comic Book Guy:
Snikt, Snikt!

[Ice cream truck passes by; Comic Book Guy reaches for wallet but scratches himself with claws]

Comic Book Guy:
Ow! Need acceptable currency for delicious treat.

Mr. Burns:
I haven't a friend in the world.

Smithers:
You have me, sir.

Mr. Burns:
I pay you, Smithers. A man cannot pay another man to love him.

Smithers:
Well, actually...

Mr. Burns:
I'll retire to my bed.

Smithers:
That's where everyone put their coats.

Mr. Burns:
Throw them in my woodchipper and use the remains to wash my car.

[Smithers tosses coats out window and into woodchipper, the shreds going into a bin marked "rags"]

Mr. Burns:
Why does everyone hate me?

Mr. Burns:
I want to die gently in my own terms, crushing as many of those baby turtles as possible. Goodbye, insuficiently cruel world!

Bart Simpson:
This town may not be able to teach its children or collect its garbage, but we lead the nation in pointless revenge.

Mr. Burns:
You my daddy mommy puppy?

Bart Simpson:
Whoa! That fall must have turned your brains to oatmeal.

Mr. Burns:
My name oatmeal?

Bart Simpson:
This is too weird. [Leaves]

Mr. Burns:
Wait for oatmeal.

Kent Brockman:
A philantropist. A humanitarian. A man of peace. These are just a few of the men who have come to spit on Montgomery Burns' grave.

Homer Simpson:
The richest man in town is ours to control. He'll do my bidding on fantasy football, and anything else my limited imagination can think up.

Homer:
Okay, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but let's get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.

Homer's Brain:
It's a deal.

Grampa:
[writing a letter] Dear Mr. President, there are too many states these days. Please eliminate three. I am NOT a crackpot.

Principal Dondelinger:
This is your exam. It's a series of questions, answered True or False.

Homer:
True.

Principal Dondelinger:
Eh, I was just describing the test, Homer.

Homer:
True.

Principal Dondelinger:
Look, Homer, just do the exam, and you'll be fine.

Homer:
False.

Jingle singer:
Hens love roosters! Geese love ganders! Everybody else loves Ned Flanders!

Homer:
Not me!

Jingle singer:
Everyone who counts loves Ned Flanders!

[the Adventures of Ned Flanders:
Love That God]

Todd Flanders:
We're not going to church today!

Ned Flanders:
*What*? You give me one good reason!

Todd Flanders:
It's Saturday!

Ned Flanders:
Okely-dokely-doo!

Marge Simpson:
An invitation to our high school reunion! Gee, that's odd, they didn't send one to you.

Homer's Brain:
This is it, Homer. It's time to tell her the terrible secret from your past.

Homer:
Marge, I ate those fancy soaps you bought for the bathroom.

Marge Simpson:
Oh my God!

Homer's Brain:
No, the other secret.

Homer:
Marge, I never graduated from high school.

Marge Simpson:
Well, that still doesn't explain why you ate my soap. Wait, maybe it does.

Bart Simpson:
Grampa, we need to know your first name.

Grampa:
[gasps] You're making my tombstone?

Lisa Simpson:
No, no, we're just curious.

Grampa:
All right, let's see. First name, first name... well, whenever I'm confused, I just check my underwear.

[pulls them out]

Grampa:
It holds the answer to all the important questions.

[reads]

Grampa:
"Call me... Abraham Simpson."

Lisa Simpson:
Grampa, how'd you take off your underwear without taking off your pants?

Grampa:
...I don't know.

[Bart and Lisa explain that they used Grampa's name on their script]

Bart Simpson:
Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?

Grampa:
I figured 'cause the Democrats were in power again.

[practicing his acceptance speech]

Grampa:
Thank you for this award. It is a tribute to this great country, that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust...

Lisa Simpson:
It's so sad that Krusty is ashamed of his roots.

[Homer walks in, with a plunger stuck on his head]

Homer:
Marge, it happened again!

[he wrenches at it, but only pulls off the handle]

Bart Simpson:
What are you gonna change your name to when you grow up?

Lisa Simpson:
Lois Sanborn.

Bart Simpson:
[points to himself] Steve Bennett.

[Homer is talking to Carmen Electra. She knows where his eyes are]

Carmen Electra:
Homer, my face is UP here.

Homer:
I've made my choice.

Lenny:
If you ask me, Muhammad Ali, in his prime, was much better than anti-lock brakes.

Carl:
Yeah, but what about Johnny Mathis versus Diet Pepsi?

Moe:
Oh, I cannot listen to this again!

Marge Simpson:
Thank you for coming to comfort us. Even though we're not Catholic.

Catholic Priest:
Oh, dear, dear, dear. I hope you have a nice stay in Hell, then. [Walks serenely away]

Reverend Lovejoy:
Nice dress!

Catholic Priest:
Oh, why don't you go home and have sex with your wife?

Reverend Lovejoy:
Bring it on! [They start fighting]

John Coffey:
[Homer is on the walk to the Chair] Give me your hands, boss. [Homer smiles and gives Coffey his hands] I'm going to kill you! I killed those other people, and I'm going to kill you too! [the guards hustle Homer away. John Coffey turns to his pet mouse and smiles] Would you like some cornbread, Mr. Jingles? Well, you're not going to get any, 'cos I'm going to kill you! [Mr Jingles flinches]

Marge:
What ever happened to 'please' and 'thank you'?

Homer Simpson:
They killed each other. Ya know, one of those murder-suicides.

Lisa Simpson:
If Scooby Doo has taught me anything, it's that there's nothing to be afraid of except crooked real estate developers.

Principal Skinner:
Lisa, your outburst was either a sign of deep emotional imbalance, or a passionate response to a sobering truth. Luckily the treatment for both is intensive therapy.

Bart Simpson:
If I had known setting the table was this easy, I would have done it years ago, instead of throwing all those tantrums.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Bart! You've finally become the kind of boy every mother dreams of: A girl!

Jenny:
Are you trying to tell me our entire relationship is based on lies?

Bart Simpson:
Not everything, just the things I said.

Miss Hoover:
And now Ralph Wiggum will read his essay, "Springfield in 50 Years".

Ralph Wiggum:
[clears throat] In 50 years, the vacuum cleaner will be quiet and not scary. [applause]

Miss Hoover:
Next we have Lisa Simpson.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, Ralph, how I envy your optimism. There is no Springfield 50 years in the future! With global warning trapping CO2 in our poisonous atmosphere, our superheated oceans will rise, drowning our lowlands, leveling what's left of humanity baking in deserts that once fed the world! [panting] And in the new Nineveh, darkness falls.

Marge Simpson:
[walking through a prison] I don't think this was a great place to bring the children.

Lisa Simpson:
It still beats Disney's California Adventure.

Chief Wiggum:
If I can tranq one freak on stilts, I know I've done my job.

Lou:
You're living the dream

[while Apu and Sideshow Bob reminisce about Bob's attempt to frame Krusty for robbing the Kwik-E-Mart]

Homer Simpson:
If you two hens are finished *clucking*, I would like to buy the latest issue of "Jugs & Ammo".

[Chief Wiggum reveals Sideshow Bob as the criminal who will help catch whomever wants Homer dead]

Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson:
Ahhh! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob:
Oh, come now. We've been through so much. Just call me Bob.

Lisa Simpson, Bart Simpson:
Ahhh! Bob!

Moe:
[after beating up a Homer dummy] Who's the sociopath, now?

Sideshow Bob:
Homer, how can one man have so many enemies?

Homer:
I'm a people person... who drinks.

[Sideshowbob is helping Homer, who has just been elected king of Mardi Gras, find his attempted killer]

Sideshow Bob:
Homer it's a trap. You only won because someone filled the poll with these.

[shows votes with all the same handwriting]

Homer:
Nevertheless, the people have spoken.

Bart, Lisa:
Aah! Sideshow Bob!

Sideshow Bob:
Please, we've been through so much together. Call me Bob.

Bart, Lisa:
Aah! Bob!

Chief Wiggum:
Where on my badge does it say anything about protecting people?

Lou:
Uh, second word, chief.

Sideshow Bob:
[to Bart, outside the Simpson house at the end of the episode] We will meet again.

Ralph Wiggum:
I look like cable tv!

Ralph:
[after being sprayed by fake blood] I look like cable T.V...

Homer:
Time to Trim the Mark.

Bart:
Way to use the lingo, Homer.

Homer:
10-4, Kemosabe.

Homer:
I can't believe everyone was in on it!

Willie:
Willie wasn't!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, how much do they pay us for doing this?

Marge Simpson:
Actually, we pay them for each peach we take home.

Homer Simpson:
What the...? First I work, then I pay, then I have to eat fruit? Why was I ever born?

Homer Simpson:
Masseuses: the half-doctors/half-hookers who solve everything.

The Great Raymondo:
I got this phone for subscribing to Psychic Monthly, and then, I canceled the subscription. They never saw it coming. [chuckles]

The Great Raymondo:
Magic is about mystery, illusion, pulling rabbits out of hats! Presto! [pulls rabbit skeleton out of hat] Oh...

Lisa Simpson:
Ew.

The Great Raymondo:
Today's lesson: feed your props.

Nelson Muntz:
God, if you don't bring my Lisa back safe, [shakes fist] ants will burn tonight.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, don't feel bad. Judas betrayed Jesus, but he still got paid.

Lou:
Yeah, that's just what you need, Chief, another stomach.

Chief Wiggam:
Shut up.

Lisa Simpson:
You're just gonna stand there?

The Great Raymondo:
No, with my back, I've got to sit.

Penn Jillette:
Because, when he...

Teller:
Quiet! You talk on-stage. I talk off-stage. That was the curse the witch put on us.

Homer Simpson:
The real magic is raising three kids in this economy!

David Copperfield:
To show you we mean business, I'm unbuttoning my shirt and turning on a fan.

Bart Simpson:
What idiot put the dump so far from where people live?

Marge Simpson:
Ultimate punching? Ultimate makes everything worse!

Otto Mann:
Not frisbee.

Marge Simpson:
Otto, don't you have a sack to hackey?

Otto Mann:
Indeed I do! One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up. One... Aw, I messed up.

Bart Simpson:
Dad loves Ultimate Punching more than I do. Tell her, dad.

Homer Simpson:
[Flatly] Ultimate Punching is immoral and dangerous. Many studies confirm what your mom just said.

Bart Simpson:
Wait a minute. [Sniffs Homer's breath] Chocolate, frosting, cherry... She got to you! With a piece of Bavarian chocolate cake!

Homer Simpson:
[Crying] It wasn't just a piece, it was the whole cake! Frosting like snow, on the eaves of a Bavarian castle!

Bart Simpson:
At least you didn't come cheap.

Homer Simpson:
I couldn't help it! She knew my one weakness: That I'm weak!

Homer Simpson:
Marge, of all the crazy things I've done, this is the craziest, and you're doing it!

Lisa Simpson:
This goes against every feminist bone in my body, but dad, can't you control your woman?

Homer Simpson:
How could I? I have nothing to withhold.

Marge Simpson:
Is there someone in this bag?

Martin Prince:
[Tied up inside bag] It's my own fault. I looked him in the eye as I was giving him my lunch money.

Marge Simpson:
Someone should talk to your principal.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
[Also tied up inside bag] I'm well aware of the situation.

Bart Simpson:
Sir, could you please sign my program with a swear word?

Homer Simpson:
Yes, and make it filthy but obscure, with a subtle scatological undertone.

Chuck Liddell:
That'll be fifty bucks.

Homer Simpson:
Pay the man, boy.

Homer Simpson:
There's no violence like self-inflicted violence.

Carl Carlson:
Men fighting animals in an arena. Just like the ancient Romans.

Lenny Leonard:
Yeah, except their empire collapsed.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Due to education cutbacks, the following presidents will not be taught: Buchanan, Pierce, Carter, Bush, Bush...

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, there has to be another way.

Homer Simpson:
[Dressed as Marge] There certainly is. Marge Simpson reporting for duty. [Imitates Marge's irritated murmur]

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, there is no way anyone is going to fall for that.

Moe Szyslak:
Well, Marge, ready to come with me to my high school reunion?

Homer Simpson:
Moe, there's something I need to tell you. It's really me, Homer.

Moe Szyslak:
Yeah, but last year I took Barney dressed as Marge. Think how much better you'll look.

Homer Simpson:
All right. But you'd better not leave me alone to talk to your friends.

Moe Szyslak:
Hey, you keep talking like that and I'll leave you here right now.

Ned Flanders:
Now let us upload the holy Tweet of the Lord.

Agnes Skinner:
Stop making this relatable!

Jimbo Jones:
Hey! As a youth, if I don't hear a computer word every few seconds, I'm out of here.

Ned Flanders:
Homer, our Bible study group is going to the Holy Land. I would like to invite you and your family to come as my guests.

Homer Simpson:
Let's see: go to a war zone with a busload of religious lame-os, in a country with no pork and a desert with no casinos. Where do I sign up?

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I can hear your sarcasm from inside the house, and the dishwasher is on. What's going on?

Lisa Simpson:
Mr. Flanders is inviting us to Israel. I think he's trying to get dad into Heaven.

Bart Simpson:
Great, more Hell for me.

Ned Flanders:
Homer, could you please turn off the camera?

Homer Simpson:
If you ask me like Dracula.

Ned Flanders:
Homer...

Homer Simpson:
Please, please, please?

Ned Flanders:
Blah!

Homer Simpson:
[shoots video] That's going on StupidFlanders.org.

Jacob or Tour guide:
Smite him like the first born of Egypt! Dead baby, dead baby, pass over, dead baby, dead baby...

Bart Simpson:
[Reading prayers from the Wailing Wall] Sad. Sad. Sad. Not gonna happen. Sad. Sad. Maybe if you're Brad Pitt.

Homer Simpson:
What are you doing, boy?

Bart Simpson:
Reading prayers and ignoring them, just like God.

Homer Simpson:
It's so cool here in the Tomb of the Unknown Savior.

Ned Flanders:
Unknown? He's the most famous person who ever lived!

Homer Simpson:
Porky Pig?

Ned Flanders:
Porky Pig isn't a person! He's a pig, and he's not even a real pig!

Homer Simpson:
But he is buried here, right?

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you're alive!

Homer Simpson:
More than alive, woman. I am the Chosen One. I shall unite all the faiths of the Holy Land! I am the Messiah!

Marge Simpson:
But you have all our passports, right?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, yeah. Gotta keep track of those. The Messiah!... has the passports.

Dr. Hibbert:
Marge, I'm afraid your husband has what is known as Jerusalem Syndrome.

Lisa Simpson:
Ah, yes. Jerusalem Syndrome. A delusion or psychosis of a religious nature while visiting Jerusalem.

Bart Simpson:
Have you ever noticed that dad always gets the diseases they write about in the in-flight magazine?

Homer Simpson:
[Preaching at the Dome of the Rock] I will unite the Christians, the Muslims and the Jews. From now on, you shall be known as Chrismujews!

[Crowd murmurs disapprovingly]

Homer Simpson:
Because in the end, aren't all religions the same? They tell us what to eat, when to pray, that this lump of clay called Man can somehow shape himself to resemble the divine. But we can never attain that perfect grace if we have hatred in our hearts.

Ned Flanders:
I did it. I finally reached him.

Homer Simpson:
So let us celebrate our commonalites. Some of us don't eat pork. Some of us don't eat shellfish. But we all eat chicken.

Muslim:
I roast it in a haline.

'In a soup, you can boil it':
In a soup, you can boil it.

Homer Simpson:
So spread the word: peace and chicken!

Crowd:
Peace and chicken!

Bart Simpson:
Stop going for my groin!

Doreet:
No groin, no krav maga.

Homer Simpson:
[to Lawrence of Arabia theme] Thirsty! / I am so thirsty! /And hungry and horny / But mostly just thirsty!

Bart Simpson:
I want the window seat.

Lisa Simpson:
Krav maga!

Bart Simpson:
You can't kill what's already dead. [Lisa kicks him in groin] I was wrong!

Tour Guide:
This shrine contains the rock on which Abraham was going to sacrifice his son. And Muslims believe something, too. To find out, hire a Muslim tour guide. That's a barrel of laughs.

Cucumber:
You have been chosen, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Chosen for what, oh mighty Gerkin?

Martin Prince:
Individually we are weak, like a single twig, but as a bundle we form a mighty f*ggot.

[first lines]

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, Bart's drinking coffee!

Bart Simpson:
It's not coffee, it's hot Pepsi.

Marge Simpson:
Dear Lord, we thank you for the sexual intimacy we are about to enjoy.

Homer Simpson:
And, as always, have fun watching.

Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson:
Go, lovemaking!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Trust me, Bart. It's better you walk in on both parents than to walk in on just one.

Homer Simpson:
This is that fantasy book that even grown-ups enjoy. Sad, lonely grown-ups.

Nelson Muntz:
I like to sit up here and make fun of the sunset. Hey, gas ball! You suck!

Marge Simpson:
Bartholomew J. Simpson, how can you be so mean?

Bart Simpson:
What are you going to do about it?

[Marge hits Bart on his head with a wooden spoon]

Bart Simpson:
Hey!

Marge Simpson:
I'll whack you with a whole salad set if you don't start thinking of others. You are going to that party!

Bart Simpson:
Mom, I can't go. No one else is.

Marge Simpson:
Well if no one else jumped off the Empire State Building would you not jump?

Bart Simpson:
[confused pause]... Kind of?

Nelson Muntz:
Haw-haw! I touched your heart!

Homer Simpson:
Don't you say his name! In your mouth it comes out like filth. No man should outlive his fictional wizard. No man.

Homer Simpson:
There, now she'll never have to know about death until it strikes someone close to her.

Abe Simpson:
People say bullies are cowards. Well, they're wrong. Bullies are brave because they're strong.

[Spengler has harnessed the patients at his weight-loss clinic to a chariot]

Tab Spangler:
Here's what's going to happen. You're going to pull me in this chariot while I whip you and you tell me how you got so fat. [cracks whip] Go!

Kent Brockman:
I'm Kent Brockman. I gorge on kettle corn between weather and sports.

Tab Spangler:
We know. Your side-fat is spilling over to Channels 5 and 7. I hope you're getting three paychecks. [cracks whip]

Bart Simpson:
I'm Bart Simpson. I'm just big-boned.

Tab Spangler:
[cracks whip] No such thing!

Bart Simpson:
Growth spurt?

Tab Spangler:
[cracks whip] Doesn't exist!

Bart Simpson:
This can't be legal!

Tab Spangler:
[cracks whip] It's legal enough!

Homer Simpson:
You used to be a boxer just like me?

Moe Szyslak:
Yup. They called me Kid Gorgeous. Later on, it was Kid Presentable. Then Kid Gruesome. And finally, Kid Moe.

Kent Brockman:
This just in; go to hell!

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you don't know how to box, you're 38 years old, and you haven't gotten any exercise since grade school. Of all the crazy ideas you've had, this one ranks somewhere in the middle. Before you even consider this, I insist you consult a doctor.

Homer Simpson:
No problemo.

[kisses her and walks off]

Marge Simpson:
[realizes] A competent doctor!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Moe Szyslak:
Are you man enough to test every one of your limits?

Homer Simpson:
Yes!

Moe Szyslak:
And are you man enough to throw a punch should the opportunity arise?

Homer Simpson:
Yes!

Moe Szyslak:
And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut?

Homer Simpson:
Yes!

Moe Szyslak:
I'll take it.

Homer Simpson:
Whoo-hoo!

Dr. Hibbert:
You have an absolutely unique genetic condition known as "Homer Simpson" syndrome.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, why me?

Comic Book Guy:
Yes, I would like to return your quote-unquote *ultimate* belt.

Clerk:
I see. Do you have a receipt, quote-unquote sir?

Comic Book Guy:
No, I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at a Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical, as the average Trekker has no need of a medium-size belt.

Clerk:
Wow, a fat sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies... gee, I hate to let you down, Casanova, but no receipt, no return.

Bart:
I'll give you four bucks for it.

Comic Book Guy:
Very well. I must get back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than receive them.

Homer Simpson:
Son, there's only one thing punks like that understand: squealing. You've got to squeal to every teacher and every grown-up you can find. Coming to me was a good start.

Jimbo Jones:
Hey Simpson, wanna trade belts?

Bart:
Well, not really, 'cause yours is just a piece of extension cord.

Kearney Zzyzwicz:
Hey dude, he's ragging on your cord.

Jimbo Jones:
Get him!

Moe Szyslak:
Who's gonna knock you down?

Homer Simpson:
No one!

Moe Szyslak:
When are you gonna fight back?

Homer Simpson:
Never!

Moe Szyslak:
What are you gonna do?

Homer Simpson:
Nothing!

Moe Szyslak:
That's my boy!

Marge Simpson:
Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.

Homer Simpson:
[gasping] Marge, look! "The world's best jacket." If I had this, it would show everybody! [vengefully] Show everybody...!

Moe Szyslak:
Fun's over, fellas! If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum.

Dr. Hibbert:
[examining Homer] Well, sir, you more than meet every one of this state's requirements to box, wrestle or be shot out of a cannon.

Marge Simpson:
That's what we get for living in a state founded by circus freaks.

Moe Szyslak:
Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with them than I did.

Homer Simpson:
Gee, thanks, Moe. What's this?

Moe Szyslak:
Ah, that's the barbed wire. We called that the stinger. They, uh... they don't let you use that no more.

Reporter #1:
Champ, do you feel remorse for your crime?

Drederick Tatum:
Oh, yes. Believe me, my god, if I could turn back the clock on my mother's stair-pushing, I would certainly, reconsider it.

Reporter #2:
Drederick, ah, what do you think of Homer Simpson?

Drederick Tatum:
I think he's a good man. I like him. I got nothing against him, but I'm definitely gonna make orphans of his children.

Reporter #3:
Uh, you know, they do have a mother, Champ?

Drederick Tatum:
Yes, but I would imagine that she would die of grief.

Homer Simpson:
I'll make a fortune for one night's work! We can have all the things we always dreamed of: a snooty butler, carpeted carports, those blue cupcakes they sell sometimes...

Marge Simpson:
But you'll get killed!

Homer Simpson:
Marge! Will you let me finish? Plug-in room deodorizers, front and rear spoilers for the car...

[on television, a monstrously strong Drederick Tatum exits a jail cell threateningly]

TV Announcer:
Society put away Drederick Tatum for his brutal crime. But he's paid his debt, and now he's going to get revenge... on Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson:
I honor you and your country. [bows to an old Italian woman and hands her memorabilia mug with a sign "Kentucky" on it]

old Italian woman:
[looks at the sign on the mug and angrily smashes it at the ground] Kentucky! It means "whore" in Italian!

Homer Simpson:
[Krusty is helping the Simpsons hide from Sideshow Bob as extras in the opere] Can I be the Phantom of the Opera?

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, the Phantom isn't in this.

Homer Simpson:
But I do such a great impression of him! [he turns around, then turns back to Lisa with his hand covering one of his eyes] Ooh, I am the gayest supervillian ever! Beware my scented candles! Ooh, scented!

Bart Simpson:
We're in a foreign city with no car, being stalked by a killer. I feel like I'm The Bourne Identity.

Bart Simpson:
Please help us, Krusty. We don't want to be the first Christians to die at the Colosseum!

Sideshow Bob's son:
Vendetta!

[sees butterfly]

Sideshow Bob's son:
[happily] Farfalla? [narrows eyes] Vendetta farfalla!

Homer:
[as Poochie] Kids, always recycle... to the extreme!

Roger Myers Jr.:
Hey, Krusty, you look great. You get your teeth bleached?

Krusty:
Yeah, it's a new kind of polymer treatment... HEY, SHUT UP! You're here 'cause your Itchy & Scratchy cartoons are stinking up my ratings! [points to a ratings chart] Look at this breakdown of yesterday's show!

Roger Myers Jr.:
What happened here? Lightning hit the transmitter?

Krusty:
See, that what I thought at first, but then... HEY, SHUT UP! That crater is where your lousy cartoon crash-landed! It's ratings poison!

Roger Myers Jr.:
But Itchy & Scratchy is critically acclaimed.

Krusty:
ACCLAIMED? PAH! I ought to replace it right now with a Chinese cartoon where robots turn into blingwads! But I'm a lazy, lazy man, Roger. So I'm gonna give you one more chance. Now get out! Don't come back till you've fixed Itchy & Scratchy. [Roger Myers Jr. slams the door so hard it breaks off, showing Sideshow Mel in the waiting room]

Krusty's Secreatary:
[off-screen] Okay, Mel, you can go in now.

Sideshow Mel:
[walks into Krusty's office] Krusty, I've come to solicit donations for the Rock 'n' Roll Museum, and... [Krusty still has an angry face from his argument with Roger Myers Jr] I'll come back later.

Focus Group Guy:
All right, thanks for participating in our focus group, kids. Today, we're gonna show you some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons. [the kids cheer]

Nelson Muntz:
Cool!

Focus Group Guy:
We want you to tell us what you think. And be honest because no one from the show is spying on you. [a man behind the mirror sneezes making the mirror shake]

Lisa Simpson:
Why is that mirror sneezing?

Focus Group Guy:
Look, it's just an old creaky mirror, you know. Sometimes it sounds a little like it's sneezing or coughing or talking softly.

Lisa Simpson:
[suspiciously] Hmm.

Focus Group Guy:
[holds his thumb up to the mirror] Now, you each have a knob in front of you. When you like what you see, turn the knob to the right. When you don't like what you see, turn it left.

Ralph Wiggum:
[with his knob in his mouth] My knob tastes funny.

Focus Group Guy:
[taking the knob out of Ralph's mouth] Please refrain from tasting the knob.

Focus Group Guy:
[after showing the kids some Itchy & Scratchy cartoons] Okay, how many of the kids would like Itchy & Scratchy to deal with real life problems like the ones you face every day? [the kids cheer] And who would like to see them do just the opposite, getting into far-out situations involving robots and magic powers. [the kid kids cheer again] So you want a realistic down-to-earth show that's completely off the wall and swarming with magic robots? [the kids all chat at once about it being a great idea]

Milhouse Van Houten:
And, also, you should win things by watching.

Focus Group Guy:
[sighs]

Roger Myers Jr.:
[turns off the mirror disguise in the window] You kids don't know what you want. That's why you're still kids, 'cause you're stupid. Just tell me what's wrong with the freakin' show! [turns the mirror back on]

Ralph Wiggum:
[starts crying] Mommy!

Lisa Simpson:
Um, excuse me, sir. The thing is, there's not really anything wrong with the Itchy & Scratchy Show. It's as good as ever. But after so many years, the characters just can't have the same impact they once had.

Roger Myers Jr.:
[turns the mirror off again] That's it. That's it, little girl. You've saved Itchy & Scratchy!

Blue-haired Lawyer:
[holding out a piece of paper to Lisa] Please sign these papers indicating that you did not save Itchy & Scratchy.

June Bellamy:
Relax, Homer. You'll do fine. I'm June Bellamy. I do the voices of Itchy & Scratchy.

Homer:
You? But you're a lady.

June Bellamy:
[as Itchy] She's a lady, all right.

June Bellamy:
[as Scratchy] A beautiful lady.

Homer:
[laughs] Hey, that really is you. How did you get to be so good?

June Bellamy:
Oh, just experience, I suppose. I started out as Road Runner.

June Bellamy:
[as Road Runner] Meep!

Homer:
You mean "Meep, meep"?

June Bellamy:
No, they only paid me to say it once, then they doubled it on the soundtrack. Cheap bastards.

Roger Myers Jr.:
You folks ready to begin?

Homer:
Uh, I guess. Is this episode going on the air live?

June Bellamy:
No, Homer. Very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animators' wrists.

Doug:
[wearing a T-shirt that says "Genius at Work"] Hi. A question for Miss Bellamy. In episode 2F09 when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

June Bellamy:
Uh, well...

Homer:
I'll field this one.

Homer:
[to Doug] Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

[pause]

Doug:
I withdraw my question.

[takes a bite from a bar of chocolate]

Database:
Uh, excuse me, Mr Simpson. On the Itchy & Scratchy CD-ROM, is there a way to get out of the dungeon without using the wizard key?

Homer:
What the hell are you talking about?

June Bellamy:
You're a lifesaver, Homer. I can't deal with these hard-core fans.

Comic Book Guy:
[clears throat] Your attention, please.

Man:
[everyone is still paying attention to June Bellamy & Homer] Uh, in episode...

Comic Book Guy:
[interrupting] EH, YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE! Mr Simpson will now be autographing 8-by-10 glossies of Poochie. ONE per customer. Please form a line. There will be no cutting.

[points to someone off-screen]

Comic Book Guy:
I'm talking to you, Mr Cutter.

Jasper Beardley:
Is this seat taken, little girl?

Bart Simpson:
I'm not a girl! Are you blind?

Jasper Beardley:
Yes.

Milhouse Van Houten:
[the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon is showing] When are they gonna get to the fireworks factory? [Milhouse starts whimpering]

Moe:
Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on?

Moe:
[to Marge] Midge, help me out here.

Homer:
Quiet. You're missing the jokes.

Nelson Muntz:
[after the Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie cartoon ends] That stunk.

Homer:
Well, what did everybody think? [everyone starts leaving in disgust]

Ned Flanders:
Homer, I can honestly say that was the best episode of Impy & Chimpy I've ever seen.

Carl:
Yeah, you should be very proud, Homer. You, uh... got a beautiful home here.

Homer:
[to the rest of the Simpson family] So it was pretty okay, huh?

Bart Simpson:
Mom, can we go to bed without dinner

Marge Simpson:
Yes, we can. [Marge, Bart and Lisa run upstairs]

Comic Book Guy:
Last night's Itchy & Scratchy was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on internet within minutes registering my disgust throughout the world.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, I know it wasn't great, but what right do you have to complain?

Comic Book Guy:
As a loyal viewer, I feel they owe me.

Bart Simpson:
What? They've given you thousands of hours of entertainment for free. What could they possibly owe you? I mean, if anything, you owe them.

Comic Book Guy:
Worst episode ever.

Marge Simpson:
It's not your fault, Homer. It's those lousy writers. They make me madder than a... yak in heat.

[after Poochie the dog debuts on the Itchy and Scratchy show to a lukewarm response]

Homer:
I liked it... right?

Homer's Brain:
You don't wanna know what I think... Now look sad and say "D'oh!...?

Homer:
D'oh!...

Comic Book Guy:
Last night's "Itchy & Scratchy" was, without a doubt, the worst episode ever. Rest assured that I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world.

Doug:
In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is a magic xylophone, or something? Ha ha, boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

Homer:
I'll field that one. Let me ask *you* a question. Why would a grown man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

[embarrassed pause]

Doug:
I withdraw my question.

[starts eating a candy bar]

Homer:
Is this episode going on the air live ?

June Bellamy:
No Homer, very few cartoons are broadcast live. It's a terrible strain on the animator's wrist.

Animator:
Excuse me, but "proactive" and "paradigm"? Aren't these just buzzwords that dumb people use to sound important?

[backpedaling]

Animator:
Not that I'm accusing you of anything like that.

[pause]

Animator:
I'm fired, aren't I?

[repeated line]

Homer Simpson:
Out of my way, jerkass!

Hans Moleman:
[in a "Just Crichton and King bookstore"] Do you have anything by Robert Ludlum?

Bookstore Owner:
Get out.

Jane:
A new and better life awaits you on our distant home planet, Blisstonia.

Homer Simpson:
[gets given a leaflet] Hmm. Makes Sense.

Jane:
We're having a free get-acquainted session at our resort this weekend.

Homer Simpson:
How much is this free resort weekend?

Glen:
It's free.

Homer Simpson:
And when is this weekend?

Glen:
It's this weekend.

Homer Simpson:
Uh-huh. And how much does it cost?

Glen:
Um, it's free.

Homer Simpson:
I see. And when is it?

Glen:
It's this weekend.

Homer Simpson:
And what are you charging for this free weekend?

Bart Simpson:
Come on, Dad. The team's arriving.

Homer Simpson:
[being dragged away by Bart] It's free, right?

Fox TV announcer:
You are watching Fox.

Homer Simpson, Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
[all in a trance] We are watching Fox.

Groundskeeper Willie:
[Homer, Bart and Lisa are tied up in a dark room with only a small dim light on] Oh, you're gonna break like matchsticks, I promise you that.

Ned Flanders:
[coming through the door, turns on the big light] Hey, I made some Rice Krispies Squares for our hungry deprogram-erinos.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Oh, man! You ruined the atmosphere, you daft pansy!

Ned Flanders:
Well, this is my rumpus room.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Don't call it that!

Lisa:
Watch it, Dad, you're the highly suggestible type.

Homer:
Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Homer:
I've joined the Movementarians, Marge.

Marge:
You WHAT?

Homer:
I've joined the Movementarians. And so have all of you.

Marge:
We WHAT?

Homer:
All I had to give them was our life savings, the deed to our house, and a commitment of 10 trillion years of labor.

Marge:
I can't go along with this, Homer.

Homer:
Marge, when I join an underground cult, I expect a little support from my family.

Lisa:
Do you think you might have been brainwashed, Dad?

Homer:
I haven't been brainwashed.

[Goes glassy eyed]

Homer:
Kill the girl. Kill the girl.

Homer Simpson:
Wait, I'm confused about the movie. So the cops knew that internal affairs were setting them up?

Glen:
What are you talking about? There is nothing like that in there!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, you see when I get bored I make up my own movie. I have a very short attention span.

Reverend Lovejoy:
This so-called new religion is nothing but a pack of weird rituals and chants, designed to take away the money of fools. Now let's say the Lord's Prayer 40 times, but first, let's pass the collection plate.

Kent Brockman:
Springfield has been overrun by a strange and almost certainly evil sect, calling themselves The Movementarians. In exchange for your home and all your belongings, the Leader of this way out... and wrong religion, the Leader claims he'll take believeres to the planet, Blisstonia. Excuse my editorial laugh.

[laughs]

Kent Brockman:
But...

[pauses]

Kent Brockman:
Ladies and gentlemen, I just learned of a new change in management. Welcome, Movementarians. I love you, perfect Leader... and new CEO of KBBL Broadcasting.

Mr. Burns:
You see me as a God, right, Smithers?

Smithers:
Absolutely, sir.

Mr. Burns:
You'd kneel before me, wouldn't you?

Smithers:
Boy, would I.

Homer:
And to think I turned to a cult for mindless happiness when I had beer all along.

Marge:
Mmmmm...

Homer:
And you, Marge, the bringer of beer.

Jane:
We're having a free get acquainted session at our resort this weekend.

Homer:
How much is this free resort weekend?

Glenn:
It's free.

Homer:
And when *is* this weekend?

Glenn:
It's this weekend.

Homer:
Uh-huh, and how much does it cost?

Glenn:
Um, it's free.

Homer:
I see, and when is it?

Glenn:
It's this weekend.

Homer:
And what are you *charging* for this free weekend?

Smithers:
Actually, thanks to our creative bookkeeping and corporate loopholes, we only pay about $3 in taxes a year.

Mr. Burns:
$3? We're getting screwed.

Homer Simpson:
Why aren't you making new friends?

Bart Simpson:
What's wrong with the ones I have now?

Milhouse Van Houten:
I finally got that M&M out of my inner ear. I was right, it was a green one.

Homer Simpson:
[Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear. Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear. [Santa's Little Helper jumps and takes M&M, which remains in his tongue]

Homer Simpson:
[Thinking] Don't eat it, it's been in the boy's ear and the dog's mouth. Don't eat it... [Camera pulls back to show the M&M in Homer's tongue]

Marge Simpson:
Oh, for Pete's sake! [Takes M&M out of Homer's mouth and puts it back in Milhouse's ear]

Isabel Guti?rrez:
In case you haven't guessed, Lisa, I'm a Republican.

Lisa Simpson:
A Lincoln Republican?

Isabel Guti?rrez:
Not even close.

Lisa Simpson:
Reagan Republican?

Isabel Guti?rrez:
Keep trying.

Lisa Simpson:
First President Bush?

Isabel Guti?rrez:
Almost there.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, my God.

Principal Skinner:
It's quite a sight watching Lisa Simpson being knocked out of her high horse.

Lisa Simpson:
This isn't over.

Principal Skinner:
And back on the saddle she goes.

Mr. Burns:
I love the Spanish, from the Inquisition to the delightful Franco years.

Superintendent Chalmers:
That girl's got the election in the bag. I'd bet a baloney sandwich on it.

Principal Skinner:
Too rich for my blood, sir.

Superintendent Chalmers:
You can fog a mirror, Skinner, but I wouldn't call you alive.

[first lines]

Bart:
[finishes with his paintbrush] The beauty of it is, each parking space is a mere one foot narrower. Indistinguishable to the naked eye. But therein lies the game.

Milhouse:
I fear to watch, yet I cannot turn away.

Principal Skinner:
Blasted woman, you parked too close! Move your car!

Mrs. Krabappel:
I'm in the lines! You got a problem, go tell your mama!

Principal Skinner:
Oh, don't worry, she'll hear about this.

Homer:
Moe, I need your advice.

Moe Szyslak:
[not very interested] Yeah.

Homer:
See, I got this friend, Joey Jo-Jo Junior... Shabadoo?

Moe Szyslak:
That's the worst name I ever heard.

[a man runs out of Moe's crying]

Barney Gumble:
Hey, Joey Jo-Jo!

[at an energy convention, Homer and Mindy are hosting the "Nuclear Power" booth]

Nuclear Power Heckler #1:
[passing by] Thanks for poisoning the planet, bastards!

Mindy Simmons:
Get bent!

Nuclear Power Heckler #2:
[passing by] No more Chernobyls!

Homer:
Go to hell!

Homer:
[singing] Oh Mindy, you came and you gave without flaking, But I sent you Ben Gay. Oh Andy, you kissed me and stopped me from something, And I - [Lisa interrupts]

Homer:
[Reading a speech he has written on his hand] Mindy, because of our uncontrollable attraction, I think we should avoid each other from now on.

Homer:
[Later, when he bumps in to Mindy, his palm is sweaty and the writing on it has been smudged. He still tries to read the speech, though] Murphy... You are a elf... Uncontrollably...

Waylon Smithers:
[a red warning light begins flashing in Mr.Burns's office] Someone is charging room service to the company, sir!

Montgomery Burns:
Well, we'll see about that!

Montgomery Burns:
[Burns uncovers a cage full of black monkeys that have tiny wings, and opens it] Fly, my pretties! Fly! Fly!

Montgomery Burns:
[the monkeys all leap out Burns's window and instead of flying away, fall like stones to the ground below] Ungh... Continue the research!

Homer:
Moe, I've got a friend named Joey... Joe Joe Junior... Shabadoo.

Moe:
That's the worst name I've ever heard.

[a man runs out of the bar crying]

Barney:
Wait! Joey Joe Joe!

Lenny:
With a woman working here, we won't be able to spit on the floor anymore.

Carl:
And we won't be able to take our pants off when it gets really hot.

Homer:
And we won't be able to pee in the drinking fountain...

[receives stares]

Homer:
Oh, Margie, you came and you found me a turkey on my vacation away from workey.

[Homer walks into the bathroom to use the lavatory]

Bart Simpson:
Dad!

Homer:
[laughs] Whoops, sorry son. I didn't know you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.

Bart Simpson:
What do we need church shoes for? Jesus wore sandals.

Homer Simpson:
Well, maybe if he had better arch support they wouldn't have caught him!

Steven Wright:
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the zebra did it.

[the entire audience, except Homer, laughs]

Homer Simpson:
I don't get it.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, the zebra didn't do it, it's just a word at the end of the dictionary.

Homer Simpson:
I still don't get it.

Lisa Simpson:
It's just a joke.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I get it! I get jokes! [laughs]

Janeane Garafolo:
I got my period today.

Marge Simpson:
[spits out her drink in shock] Oh, good lord!

Janeane Garafolo:
Plus I got a new boyfriend, and you know how it is when you're kissing a guy with a tongue stud.

Homer Simpson:
[laughing hysterically] Yes! Yes! Oh God, yes! [thumps his fists loudly on the table, while he laughs]

Bart Simpson:
Oh, P-U, what where you drinking, gasoline?

Krusty the Clown:
Yes, I was drinking gasoline, MOTHER!

Homer Simpson:
From now on, I'm gonna be just like Krusty and tell it like it is. Marge, you're getting a little fat around the old thighs!

Bart Simpson:
Dad!

Homer Simpson:
You too, Bart!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, knock it off, Homer, you're the fattest one in the car!

Homer Simpson:
[shocked, hurt] You didn't have to tell it like it is, Marge!

Krusty the Clown:
Comedy isn't funny anymore... You've got some big chinned slob reading typos from the Palookaville Post! Well, here's a headline for ya. Nobody cares!

Bart Simpson:
And then of course there's Mom who sounds something like this.

[Bart ties a blue blanket around his head to resemble Marge's hair]

Bart Simpson:
[in a shaky voice] Eat your vegetables. Take a sweater. I don't think that's a good idea.

[groans]

Homer Simpson:
[Homer and Lisa laugh] Take that, Marge!

[Marge groans]

[Driving home from Krusty's comedy show]

Homer Simpson:
From now on, I'm going to be just like Krusty and tell it like it is! Marge, you're getting a little fat around the thighs.

Bart:
Dad!

Homer Simpson:
You too, Bart.

Marge:
Oh Homer, be quiet, you're the fattest person in this car.

Homer Simpson:
Aw... you didn't have to tell it like it is.

[Moe turns his bar into a comedy club]

Marge:
Four drink minimum?

Homer:
I'll cover you, honey.

Apu:
[singing] Oh give me land, lots of land, and the starry skies above

Bart, Lisa, Ralph:
[singing] Don't fence me in.

Apu:
[singing] Sir you cannot pee unless you are an employee.

Homer Simpson:
[singing] Can't keep it in.

[Homer kicks in the bathroom door and uses the facilities]

[Buck's house is garnished with steakhouse paraphernalia]

Bart:
Wow. It's like you're living in a steakhouse.

Buck McCoy:
Why, thank you. Most people just mutter that.

Marge:
You know, you have to stop drinking?

Buck McCoy:
What do you care?

Marge:
I don't know. I just naturally I assumed that it was any of my business.

Krusty the Clown:
I want my comedy to have a timeless quality.

Krusty's Assistant:
Here's the final draft on that "Hanging Chad" sketch, Krusty.

Krusty the Clown:
[reading] Heh heh. Oh good, you worked in Judge Ito.

Chief Wiggum:
Slink away boys, slink away.

Lisa:
I'm Annie Oakley!

Nelson Muntz:
I'm Kevin Costner in one of his western roles!

Ralph:
I'm a gulch!

Homer Simpson:
Wow. This place is completely alien, but everything's in English. Just like Canada.

Homer Simpson:
Look at all these dials and knobs. They truly are an advanced species. Maybe they'll be nice to us.

Lisa Simpson:
You mean like the Europeans were to the Native Americans, or the Belgians to the Congo?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, sure. Mention the only two times in history when things got messy.

Marge Simpson:
There's only one fair way to do this. We must put it to a vote.

Bart Simpson:
Before we do, I would like to point out that in Sophie's Choice, she chose the boy.

Lisa Simpson:
Now do you see why I'm a vegetarian?

Homer Simpson:
I do now, Lisa.

Rigelian Doctor:
You do get to choose your last meal.

Homer Simpson:
I'd like rabbit, lots of rabbit.

[Flanders finishes reminiscing about Mrs. Krabappel]

Ned Flanders:
Aw, I sure am gonna miss that laugh.

Nelson Muntz:
Haw haw! I miss her, too.

Robert Marlowe:
Before you say yes, I feel it is my duty to inform you that accounts men lose their souls.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo! No more church!

Dolph:
[Presents fists] Or maybe you want to read it to my sisters.

Jimbo Jones:
You call your fists sisters?

Dolph:
Yeah. Punchahontas and Sockajewea.

Bart Simpson:
Nice names.

Robert Marlowe:
There isn't enough bourbon in Kentucky for you, big fella.

Homer Simpson:
The Governor wrote me a letter to that effect.

Homer Simpson:
I can't believe I'm having lunch with the Mayor. Next time I vote for you, It'll be on purpose.

Bart Simpson:
You want me to read to Lisa? You might as well ask me to kiss her.

Marge Simpson:
If you kissed your sister, that would be lovely.

Bart Simpson:
All right! I'll read to her!

Homer Simpson:
And kiss her.

Lisa Simpson:
Doesn't anyone want my opinion on this?

Bart Simpson:
I'll just get a job that doesn't require reading, like French fry cook, or general.

Businessman:
I want you to make me a Long Island iced tea, America's most complicated cocktail drink.

[Homer is trying to decide which raft to save from going over the falls]

Homer Simpson:
My coworkers are like family, but in many ways my family is like family.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I gave you three kids.

Homer Simpson:
Whose side are you on?

Marge Simpson:
Your side! I've always been on your side!

Robert Marlowe:
These cocktail tools have been handed down from accounts man to accounts man since the beginning of time, 1956.

Homer Simpson:
Why can't you be my father instead of my real father?

Robert Marlowe:
If your mom was a secretary, there's a good chance I am.

Krusty the Clown:
I need a drink. [Mr Teeny brings him a bottle of Krusty Vodka] Not that! Never that!

Carl:
Wow, everyone from the nuclear plant is here. Except the bosses, of course.

Lenny:
Yeah. Not even Homer would be stupid enough to invite...

Mr. Burns:
So this is the famous party?

Smithers:
[about Homer] Well, as safety inspector he hasn't exactly set the world on fire, although he's come close several times.

Nelson:
You're reading a chapter book, for fun! Bullies, come to me!

Homer Simpson:
Oh why won't anyone give me an award?

Lisa Simpson:
You won a Grammy.

Homer Simpson:
I mean an award that's worth something.

[announcement on the bottom of the screen- Legal Disclaimer:
Mr. Simpson's opinions do not reflect those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all]

Marge Simpson:
This all seems a little elaborate for sloppy joe's. Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?

Homer Simpson:
Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it.

[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]

Marge:
This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other 12 forks are for, but I don't know what to do with this one.

Homer:
Why Marge my dear, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.

Marge:
Homer!

[scratches rear with fork]

Marge:
Ooh...

[the Simpsons are housesitting at Mr. Burns' mansion. They are eating dinner at Mr. Burns' oversized dinner table]

Marge:
This all seems a little elaborate for Sloppy Joes. I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?

Homer:
[speaking as a snob] Why Marge, I believe you are supposed to scratch your ass with it.

Marge:
Homer, watch your lang...

[scratches rear with fork]

Marge:
Ooh... that's a lifesaver!

Montgomery Burns:
Smithers, this monkey is going to need most of your skin.

Mr. Burns:
If the house catches fire, call this number.

Marge:
Uh-huh. The fire department.

Mr. Burns:
Yes. They're new. But they're good.

Marge:
Homer, did you jimmy open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?

Homer:
Ooh "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits.

[filing out medical forms]

Mr. Burns:
Social security number? Naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, naught, 2. Damn Roosevelt. Cause of parents death? Got in my way.

[the city of Springfield is having an illegal party in the ocean, about 300 yards from American territorial waters]

Bart:
[on megaphone] What are you gonna do now, Coast Guard? Huh? You can't arrest us or do anything to us. Lousy Americans...

Coast Guard:
[on megaphone] We can't hear you. Come 300 yards closer.

Pirate Captain:
And now, back to secret pirate island- Hong Kong.

Ned Flanders:
We want you to teach alternative theories to Darwinian evolution

Principal Skinner:
You mean Lamarckian evolution?

Barney Gumble:
Homer's son's sister is right!

Fat Tony:
[Bart, Lisa, and others are waiting for their car pool. Fat Tony drives up to them] We are going for a ride!

group of kids:
[gasp]

Fat Tony:
And by that I mean the carpool!

group of kids:
[relax]

Fat Tony:
Now who's ready to sleep with da fishes? [children gasp]

Fat Tony:
...because I brought this Finding Nemo comforter!

Lisa Simpson:
[Michael has just told Fat Tony that he successfully killed a gang of rival mobsters] Michael, why didn't you tell him the truth that it was an accident? [suspiciously] It was an accident, wasn't it Michael?

Michael:
[a la Michael Corleone] Don't ever ask me about my business, Lisa. [the Godfather theme starts playing as Michael shuts the door in her face]

Otto Mann:
Real songs are about deals with the devil, far-off lands, and where you'd find smoke in relation to water.

Lisa Simpson:
Otto, Bart won't give me a seat.

Otto Mann:
You know I could deal with your problem or I could rock out, but I cannot do both.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Edna, control your student. He's ruined more school assemblies than the sun in the northern window.

Edna Krabappel:
I tried, but he's uncontrollable. Frowny stickers mean nothing to him.

Edna Krabappel:
In all my years of teaching, I've never raised my hand at a student.

Homer Simpson:
But you learned. You grew.

Marge Simpson:
Homer! You never strike a child. Just leave the crust on their sandwiches. They'll get the message.

Edna Krabappel:
So I get paid to do nothing all day?

Principal Seymour Skinner:
I'm afraid it's not that simple.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Who's in charge of this meeting, Skinner?

Homer Simpson:
[whispers to Marge] I thought I was.

Bart Simpson:
You shouldn't be punished for something I did. You should just go unpunished forever.

Edna Krabappel:
Half-assed apology accepted.

Edna Krabappel:
You made a dummy of me?

Bart Simpson:
I use it to workshop my pranks.

Ned Flanders:
Is there a volcano erupting in Candyland? 'Cause I just caught me a falling Red Hot.

Homer Simpson:
[Greeting Ned and Edna at the door] Well, if it isn't the local schoolmarm... and his new girlfriend. Ha, ha, ha! That's a burn on you, Flanders.

Bart Simpson:
Having Krabappel next door is nothing but trouble. Kids and teachers can't live together. We're natural enemies, like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.

Homer Simpson:
We need to break up Teachie and Preachie. Here's how we'll do it: I'll take Flanders to remind him of the care-free single life, and you scare Rod and Tod by telling them that Edna will be their evil stepmother.

Bart Simpson:
If there's anything fairy tales have taught us is that first wives are perfect and second wives are horrible.

Homer Simpson:
Just the opposite of real life.

Homer Simpson:
I never dreamed that beneath all those diddlies and doodlies there was a dude.

Comic Book Guy:
My e-mail account is Ednalover172. It was the lowest number available.

Edna Krabappel:
You're darn lucky to have Ned Flanders as a neighbor.

Ned Flanders:
Language.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, language.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Now to turn on this malfunctioning air conditioner. [White clumps fall out of air conditioner]

Edna Krabappel:
Is that ice?

Superintendent Chalmers:
No, spider egg sacs. [Spiders hatch and crawl into mouth of sleeping man] He's a science teacher. He'll know what to do.

Edna Krabappel:
I'm proud I dated all those men.

Comic Book Guy:
[shouting from outside the window] I still wear your bra!

Edna Krabappel:
Maybe not proud. I'm stuck with it.

Nurse:
Come on Bart. We don't want to over-stimulate these people, they just had pudding.

Abe:
If I get up somebody will take my chair.

Jasper:
Got that right. It's the only one with padding.

Seniors:
[simultaneously]... padding.

Bart Simpson:
Full speed ahead. Dam the torpedos.

Abe:
What did he say? Put on our tuxedos?

Crazy Old Man:
I want some Taquitos.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania. Uh, why do you ask?

[Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth]

Principal Skinner:
Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.

[the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning]

Ralph:
Intercourse?

Superintendent Chalmers:
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.

[Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no"]

Bart Simpson:
[turning a dustbuster on and off on the back of his sleeping grandfather's head] Homer... Grandpa... Homer... Grandpa... Homer... Grandpa...

Nurse:
Don't play with the faces!

Grampa:
We're the baddest punks in our age bracket!

[Lisa and Mr. Burns are collecting cans at the beach]

Mr. Burns:
You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage?

Lisa:
Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel.

Mr. Burns:
Ooh, don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel... with enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds.

Lisa:
[unimpressed] There's a can.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, so mother nature needs a favor? Well, maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys.

[Burns learns about the stock market crash of 1929]

Mr. Burns:
Oh no. Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?

Smithers:
Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, that's your excuse for everything.

[a realtor is showing Bret Hart around Mr. Burns' mansion]

Bret "The Hitman" Hart:
Eww. This place has got old man stink.

Mr. Burns:
Ooh.

Waylon Smithers:
Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

[looking at a corporate logo with Lisa's face]

Moe:
It makes Little Debbie look like a pile of puke.

Mr. Burns:
[to a group of senior citizens working for him] I'll take you to the biggest duck-filled pond you ever saw.

Grampa:
Hot Diggity. That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche.

[Mr. Burns looks through a portfolio of his old stocks]

Mr. Burns:
Hmm, let's see...?Confederated Slave holdings." How's that one holding up?

Blue Haired Lawyer:
It's, uh, steady.

Homer:
Son, come here. Of course I'm not mad. If something's hard to do, then it's not worth doing. You just stick that guitar in the garage next to your short-wave radio, your karate outfit, and your unicycle, and we'll go and watch TV.

Bart:
What's on?

Homer:
It doesn't matter.

[Otto needs to retake his driving test]

Bart:
I know you can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I know.

Otto:
Wow. I've never been referred to as an adult before. I've been tried as one.

Patty:
[Otto walks into the DMV and meets Patty, who holds a green pen in her right hand, and a red pen in the left] Hello, my name's Patty. I'll be testing you. When you do well, I use the green pen. When you do bad, I use the red pen. Any questions?

Otto:
Yeah, one: Have you always been a chick? I mean, I don't want to offend you, but, you were born a man, weren't you? You can tell me, I'm open minded.

Patty:
[Drops green pen] I won't be needing this!

[Bart is trying to convince Marge and Homer to let Otto live in their garage]

Marge:
Well, Homer, doesn't the Bible say, "Whatsoever you do unto even the least of my brothers, that you do unto me?"

Homer:
Yes, but doesn't the Bible also say, "Thou shalt not take... moochers into thy... hut?"

Patty:
Well, if it isn't Wee Willie Wash-out.

Otto:
I want to take the test again.

Patty:
Why?

Otto:
So I can staple my license to Homer Simpson's big, bald head!

Patty:
[interested] Really?

[at the DMV, Patty is chuckling]

Selma:
What's so funny?

Patty:
I was just thinking about the time Homer got his nose caught in the toaster.

Selma:
We'll watch the tape tonight.

Homer:
That guy has gotta go!

Marge:
Hmm, I know how you feel. But he is good with the kids.

[pan upward to Lisa's room, where Otto is telling her a bedtime story by candlelight]

Otto:
So the lady drove faster, but the strange car kept banging into her from behind...

[Lisa gasps]

Otto:
So she swerved off the road into the woods, and lost the other car. And then, she realized that the man in the other car wasn't trying to hurt her. No, he was trying to warn her... about the ax-wielding maniac hiding in her back seat!

Lisa Simpson:
Did the maniac kill her?

Otto:
Natch! And you know how I know?

Lisa Simpson:
How?

Otto:
Because... *I* was that maniac.

[Lisa's scream shakes the whole house]

Otto:
[hastily] I was just kidding!

David St. Hubbins:
Goodnight Springton! There will be no encores!

Nigel Tufnel:
[addressing the crowd] We were told they knew how to rock in Shelbyville.

[the crowd 'boos']

Derek Smalls:
But nobody rocks like...

[looks on the back of his guitar where he has placed a reminder of the name of the town they're playing in]

Derek Smalls:
Springfield!

[David St. Hubbins' hear is getting blown away by a large fan]

David St. Hubbins:
MEDIUM SETTING!

[just before the show]

David St. Hubbins:
I just looked out and there's puddles of water all over the stage.

Arena Manager:
Well gentleman, four times a week this place is sort of a hockey rink.

David St. Hubbins:
Well this is a rock concert, not the bleedin... splish-splash show.

Otto:
[preparing for his driving test] Alcohol increases your capability to drive...

Otto:
[checks the answer] False? Oh, man!

Otto:
There's plenty of opportunities out there for someone who knows how to fake his own death!

Marge:
Well before you do that why don't you try and get your license back?

Otto:
I tried! Oh how I did try.

Otto:
You got anything written from the vampire's point of view?

Homer:
[to Otto, who's using the bathroom in Homer and Marge's bedroom] Open up! Open up! I've gotta' go and no foolin!'

Otto:
[Otto comes out the bathroom] Hey, Poppin' Fresh. [Otto pokes Homer in the stomach like he were the Pillsbury Doughboy] You're supposed to giggle. [Homer growls angrily]

[in the school cafeteria]

Mrs. Krabappel:
Seymour, you have to think of the children's future.

Seymour:
Oh, Edna. We all know that these children HAVE no future.

[everyone stops and stares at Seymour]

Seymour:
Prove me wrong, children. Prove me wrong.

Homer:
Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.

Bart:
Uh, I think I got your lunch.

[He hands Lisa a note from his lunch bag:
"I Am Very Proud Of You. Love, Mom."]

Lisa:
Oh yeah, I didn't think this was for me.

[She hands Bart a note from her lunch bag:
"Be Good. For The Love Of God, *Please* Be Good."]

[the School Bus needs to be filled with gas]

Principal Skinner:
[Speaking to Otto] Otto, we need you to fill up the bus. Here's the *credit card*.

[Presents him with a hose]

Otto:
Ohh.

Principal Skinner:
And a mint for afterwards.

[Later, when the class is running from the Civil Act Actors]

Principal Skinner:
Start the bus Otto! Start the bus!

[Otto is sucking oil from the petrol tank of another bus. He spits it out]

Otto:
Damn, I shouldn't have eaten the mint first.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Seymour, the children are playing in the hole again.

Lisa:
Relax? I can't relax. Nor can I yield, relent, or... Only two synonyms? Oh my God! I'm losing my perspicacity. Aaaaah!

Homer:
Well, it's always in the last place you look.

Lisa:
I'll never get into the ivy league now. At this rate, I probably won't even get into Vassar.

Homer:
I've had just about enough of your Vassar-bashing, young lady!

Ned Flanders:
Well, I guess this is a case where we'll have to agree to disagree.

Principal Skinner:
I don't agree to that.

Mrs. Krabappel:
Neither do I.

Marge:
I'm worried about the kids, Homie. Lisa's becoming very obsessive. This morning I caught her trying to dissect her own raincoat.

Homer:
I know. And this perpetual-motion machine she made today is a joke. It just keeps going faster and faster.

Marge:
And Bart isn't doing very well either. He needs boundaries and structure. There's something about flying a kite at night that's so unwholesome.

[Looks out window]

Bart:
[creepily] Hello, mother dear.

Marge:
That's it, we have to get them back to school.

Homer:
I'm with you, Marge. Lisa, get in here.

[Lisa walks in]

Homer:
In this house, we obey the laws of thermodynamics!

Bart:
Yeah Seymour said you'd fold faster than superman on laundry day.

Homer:
How was everyone's day at school?

Bart:
Horrible.

Lisa:
Pointless.

Marge:
Exhausting. It took the class 40 minutes to locate Canada on a map.

Homer:
Oh, honey, anyone could miss Canada. All tucked way down there.

Outraged Soldier:
[Actor notices the class peaking over the fence] Hey, they're trying to learn for free!

Crowd:
Get them!

Jasper:
Talking out of turn, that's a paddlin'

Jasper:
Lookin' out the window, that's a paddlin'

Jasper:
Starin' at my sandals-that's a paddlin'

Jasper:
Paddlin' the school canoe-Oh, you better believe that's a paddlin'!

Homer:
When you don't like your job, you don't go on strike, you do your job half-assed. That's the American way.

Moe Szyslak:
[subbing for Mrs. Krabappel] Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". No, say "present". Anita Bath?

[the class laughs]

Moe Szyslak:
All right, settle down. Anita Bath here?

[the class laughs again]

Moe Szyslak:
All right, fine. Fine, uh... Maya Buttreeks.

[the class laughs]

Moe Szyslak:
Hey, hey, what are you laughing at? What? Oh... Oh, I get it. I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!

[Moe runs out of the room sobbing]

Lisa Simpson:
Hey Karen!

Karen:
Hey Lisa!

Homer Simpson:
Judge Snyder, while we're young?

Judge Constance Harm:
Grand theft auto?

Bart Simpson:
It was an accident, ma'am.

Judge Constance Harm:
Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me its frosting.

Homer Simpson:
What did she say about cupcakes?

Judge Constance Harm:
According to this, your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car?

Homer Simpson:
Uh, your Honor, I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Prize Patrol.

Judge Constance Harm:
You abandoned your son to win forty dollars?

Homer Simpson:
And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion. [Holds it up and admires it] Cool.

Judge Constance Harm:
And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble?

Homer Simpson:
Your Honor, if may sing a little bit of, "Don't Fear the Reaper," I think you'll agree...

Judge Constance Harm:
I'm familiar with BOC. But you have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision.

Homer Simpson:
I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair.

Judge Constance Harm:
Sorry, bub, that crow won't caw.

Homer Simpson:
It won't!

Judge Constance Harm:
I hereby order you to be tethered to your son.

Homer Simpson:
Tethered!

Judge Constance Harm:
Tethered. Report to room five.

Homer Simpson:
Room five!

Marge Simpson:
She's such a butthole!

Homer Simpson:
She is so cool!

Marge Simpson:
We hate her, Homer.

Judge Constance Harm:
Agh! That quilt was made by my Grandmother.

Homer Simpson:
So... it cost you nothin'.

Judge Constance Harm:
I'm gonna lock you up till frogs do fractions!

Judge Constance Harm:
Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind me of me, when I was a little boy.

Lisa Simpson:
That's my brother.

Snake:
Um, did she say she used to be a dude?

Judge Constance Harm:
But I was about to bang my gavel, making the sentence official!

Homer Simpson:
That was close.

Hans Moleman:
Please drive off me.

Homer Simpson:
Argh!

Marge Simpson:
What was that?

Homer Simpson:
Uh, just the radio, dear.

Judge Constance Harm:
[a woman, to Bart] You remind me of myself... when I was a little boy.

Edna Krabappel:
Okay, now who can pick out the predicate in this sentence?

Homer Simpson:
Ahhh!

Edna Krabappel:
What is it now, Bart?

Bart Simpson:
Night terrors.

Homer Simpson:
Ahh! Cobras!

Homer:
Careful. These pants cost me 600$.

Moe:
600$?

Homer:
Yeah, they're Italian.

Moe:
[pulls out shotgun and points it at Homer] All right, hand them over.

Homer:
Moe?

Moe:
Yeah, I rob now.

Homer Simpson:
Look at her in there, washing her body.

Kent Brockman:
[after Michael Moore has given Kent a ridiculous statistic] Where did you get that statistic?

Michael Moore:
Your Mother!

Lisa:
The student strike will continue until you restore music and art.

Principal Skinner:
What about gym?

Lisa:
[dismissive] Eh.

Additional Voices:
Well, I guess this story has a happy ending after all, just like my last massage.

Ralph:
Lisa's a sellout! Lisa's a sellout! Hey, Lisa. What's a sellout?

Seymour:
[singing] I'm so happy with my evil plan. Say goodbye to music, gym, and art. Soon we will have the perfect school... where fun and excitement never starts.

Groundskeeper Willie:
I'm so drunk I can barely see. But it helps me get through another day. My stomach is filled with haggis and ham. I've got to go puke in some hole.

Bart:
Lisa is a fool.

Seymour:
I think the rules are cool.

Groundskeeper Willie:
I'm falling in the pool!

Bart:
Lis, you made the school worse than it already was. It wasn't exactly San Diego State to begin with.

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, you look so successful. Like you're the wife of a businessman.

Homer Simpson:
I wish I married a businessman. Then I'd have nice things.

Marge Simpson:
Lenny said you were babysitting, and if you are babysitting, why can't you do some of it at home? I could use a night out.

Homer Simpson:
Sorry, Marge, but I am the royal babysitter. If I started watching commoners, the tongues of the court would be a-wag.

Marge Simpson:
Really, "a-wag"? Really?

Homer Simpson:
She's gone!

Moe Szyslak:
And she trashed my bar! No, wait, she actually cleaned up a little bit. Good for her.

Mr. Burns:
So my offer for one ton of your uranium, is a goat.

Nigerian king:
Will you stop offering me that? I come from a nation of ninety million people!

Mr. Burns:
Two goats.

Nigerian king:
I am beginning to get insulted.

Mr. Burns:
All right, let's cut to the chase. My board has given me permission to go up to... twelve goats.

[King groans]

Mr. Burns:
My last offer, twenty million goats.

Nigerian king:
Okay, but no dogs disguised as goats.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, great. Here comes the haggling.

Homer Simpson:
Moe Szyslak, this is the part of the fairy tale where the princess goes back to the hotel and watches TV.

Nigerian king:
Mr. Burns, I don't know what you have heard, but I do not eat monkey brains from a skull.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, this is for me.

Lenny Leonard:
What about the presentation? The eyes taste first. Then lips, then palate, then the body's harshest critic, the colon.

Moe Szyslak:
Goodnight, moon. Goodnight, broom. Goodnight jukebox that won't play a tune. Goodnight, eggs. Goodnight, dregs. Goodnight, bugs crawling up my legs. Goodnight, beer. Goodnight, mice. Goodnight princess who treats me nice.

Armin Tamzarian:
Hello Edna, I know we were planning on seeing a movie tonight, but, instead I'm leaving town forever.

Superintendant Chalmers:
Good lord! The rod up that man's butt, must have a rod up it's butt!

Superintendant Chalmers:
Now let's clear this up. Who exactly are you?

Sgt. Seymour Skinner:
Sergeant Seymour Skinner, U.S. Army.

Principal Skinner:
It's true. I was in his platoon. But, they said you were killed on that scouting mission.

Sgt. Seymour Skinner:
No, just captured. It's kind of a funny story, really. After five years in a secret P.O.W. camp, I was sold to China for slave labor. And since '77 I've been making sneakers at gunpoint in a sweatshop in Boo-Haun.

Marge Simpson:
That's not a funny story.

Sgt. Seymour Skinner:
Well, I guess you had to be there.

Sgt. Seymour Skinner:
You know, where I come from, there's no better way to get acquainted by reciting the Pledge of Allegiance together. [to Bart] Why don't you lead us, son?

Bart Simpson:
Hey, America, you're so fine, you're so fine you blow my mind, America. [makes a farting noise, the kids laugh]

Sgt. Seymour Skinner:
Well, that's very concise. But it's an insult to everything I suffered for. Now take a seat, junior, and listen to someone who gave their youth in service to their country. Mrs. "Crabapple", the pledge, please?

Mrs. Krabappel:
You haven't dealt with women for a long time, have you, Sergeant?

Sgt. Seymour Skinner:
Are you asking me out?

Abe Simpson:
[to Agnes] Hello Beautiful.

Agnes Skinner:
In your dreams!

Abe Simpson:
We'll see about that! [He falls asleep]

Abe Simpson:
[Talking in his dream] Hello Beautiful.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer is driving the family car] Okay, once more. Where are we going?

Mrs. Krabappel:
To Capitol City.

Homer Simpson:
And why are you and the old lady in the car? [Camera pulls back to reveal Mrs. Krabappel and Mrs. Skinner sitting next to him]

Agnes Skinner:
We're going to talk Armin Tamzarian into coming back.

Homer Simpson:
And why is Marge here? [Camera pulls back again to reveal Marge riding shotgun]

Marge Simpson:
I came up with the idea.

Homer Simpson:
And why am I here?

Marge Simpson:
Because the streets of Capitol City are no place for three unescorted ladies.

Homer Simpson:
And why are the kids here? [Camera pulls back to reveal Bart, Lisa and Maggie in the back seat, sticking their heads out of the window]

Marge Simpson:
Because we couldn't find Grandpa to sit for them.

Homer Simpson:
Then why is Grandpa here? [Camera pulls back to reveal that the kids are sitting in Grandpa's lap]

Abe Simpson:
Because Jasper didn't want to come by himself! [Jasper turns his head around, revealing he is riding in the very rear]

Principal Skinner:
Hello, Edna. I know we had dinner plans tonight, but instead I'm leaving town forever.

[Bart is preparing a batch of appetizers for Skinner's party]

Lisa:
What's with the dog food?

Bart:
My theory is - Skinner likes dog food.

[both leave, Homer walks in the room]

Homer:
Ooh, a fresh batch of American balls.

Lisa Simpson:
[worried] Dad, Aunt Selma is treating a mob boss like an ordinary taxpayer.

Homer Simpson:
[excited] And we've got front row seats!

[at Selma and Tony's wedding]

Homer Simpson:
Yes! I am so happy I lived to see this day. He did give her the kiss of death, right?

Marge Simpson:
No!

Homer Simpson:
[disappointed groan] Aww! I decorated her car for nothing.

[cut to a car outside with banners reading "JUST MURDERED"]

Fat Tony:
Selma, would you do me the honor of spending the rest of my life with me?

Selma Bouvier:
Oh, Fat Tony. If there was an Italian word for yes, I would be saying it right now.

Homer Simpson:
Well, if it isn't Before and After. Blob and blob lite. Tweedle-yuck and Tweedle-yech.

Fat Tony:
Ahem! Am I interrupting anything?

Homer Simpson:
Fat Tony! I was just complimenting your beautiful wife while insulting her identical twin.

Marge Simpson:
You'll have to excuse my husband. He says things without thinking first. And ten seconds later...

Homer Simpson:
[scared] Oooh! My god!

Lisa Simpson:
This is our home. There's nothing buried here except hopes and dreams.

Lisa Simpson:
That's a truffle.

Bart Simpson:
You're a truffle!

Lisa Simpson:
A truffle is a rare underground fungus that grows on the roots of trees.

Bart Simpson:
Leave it to you to make tree poop boring.

Comic Book Guy:
And how do you know the bride?

Marge Simpson:
I'm her sister! And you?

Comic Book Guy:
I bought her pool table on Craig's List. Consider yourself slighted.

Homer Simpson:
Can we bring towels?

Fat Tony:
We have towels.

Homer Simpson:
[whispers] I take a special size.

Fat Tony:
I like you. I don't know whether to smack you on your kisser or kiss you on your smacker.

Selma Bouvier:
And I don't know whether to peck you on your kicker or kick you on your...

Tooshie:
You two look so pale. But don't worry. Every light here is a tanning light.

Marge Simpson:
Can you read by them?

Tooshie:
You know, no one's ever tried.

Homer Simpson:
Cant we stay a little longer? The Occurrence and I were going to go get broiled.

Marge Simpson:
Sorry, The Occurrence, but to use your lingo, I have to be "that guy".

The Occurence:
Whoa, whoa! You don't want to be "that guy"!

Homer Simpson:
I don't want to be that guy, but she's making me be "that guy".

Marge Simpson:
Enough!

Selma Bouvier:
Marge, if I ever get proposed again, please gouge my eyes out.

Louie:
We can teach you how to do it too. The secret is not to stop until you hear a pop.

Tony Blair:
[Tony Blair has met the Simpsons at the airport. Lisa asks him to give them a personal tour of his country] I'd love to, but I'm late for an appointment. I'm greeting a lovely Dutch couple at gate 23. Cheereo!

[He flys away on a jet pack]

Homer:
Wow! I can't belive we met Mr. Bean!

Tony Blair:
Hello, welcome to the United Kingdom.

Homer Simpson:
Would an American dollar encourage you to leave us alone?

Tony Blair:
No. But thank you.

Lisa Simpson:
Ms. Rowling, I love your books. You've turned an entire generation on to reading.

J.K. Rowling:
Thank you, young Muggle.

Lisa Simpson:
Could you tell me what happens at the end of the series?

J.K. Rowling:
[exasperated] He grows up and he marries you! Is that what you want to hear?

Lisa Simpson:
[dreamily] Yes.

Ian McKellen:
Please, take these free tickets to my play!

Homer:
What? What play?

Ian McKellen:
We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Homer:
You mean 'MacBeth'? [a car splashes Ian McKellen]

Ian McKellen:
Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Homer:
What, by saying 'MacBeth'? [an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]

Ian McKellen:
OW! Stop saying it!

Homer:
Saying what?

Ian McKellen:
'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it. [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Bart Simpson:
This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'. [McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']

Marge Simpson:
Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'! [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, you said 'MacBeth'. [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Homer:
Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry. [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Ian McKellen:
That's quite alright. You didn't know.

Homer:
Homer: Milord, we Americans love queens, be they homecoming or dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter! Her luggage is inscribed H.R.H. which means her real name must be Henrietta R. Hippo

Lisa:
Why did you let him be his own Barrister?

Marge:
He rear-ended the frigging Queen! What difference would it make?

Homer Simpson:
Well Marge, you gotta admit, I've been on my best behaviour this trip.

Marge Simpson:
You punched out three people on the street.

Homer Simpson:
That was over soccer results. Can you believe they gave Giggs a yellowcard in the box?

Marge Simpson:
Do you understand any part of what you just said?

Homer Simpson:
I understood the word 'gave'... unless it means something else in this country!

Homer Simpson:
Oh Marge, I am so sorry. I should have listened to whatever it was you were saying.

Marge Simpson:
It's partly my fault. I've been nagging you so much on this trip; you couldn't know which nags to focus on!

Prison Tour Guide:
And in this cell sits Homer Simpson, the most villainous blaggard to be held in this tower since Edward, the puppy eater.

Homer Simpson:
Well Marge, if I die in here there's one thing I want you to remember. Don't buy any videotapes in England. They won't work with our VCR!

Homer Simpson:
America rules! Our Beatles are way better than your precious Rolling Stones!

Homer Simpson:
That's it! I'm acting the way America acts best: unilaterally!

Homer Simpson:
We're big shot tourists from everyone's favourite country, the USA. We saved your ass in Vietnam and shared our prostitutes with Hugh Grant, so give me some free maps and none of that dry British wit.

Homer Simpson:
Marge I'll be on my best behaviour. You have my word as a gentlemen and a lady. Now let's see, which rifle should I bring?

Homer Simpson:
I've been jailed on six continents. All I have to do is kill a penguin.

Edwina:
Please, take these free tickets to my play!

Homer:
What? What play?

Edwina:
We thespians believe it's bad luck to mention the name of this particular play out loud.

Homer:
You mean 'MacBeth'? [a car splashes Ian McKellen]

Edwina:
Quiet, you plundering fool! You'll curse us all!

Homer:
What, by saying 'MacBeth'? [an anvil falls on Ian McKellen's foot]

Edwina:
OW! Stop saying it!

Homer:
Saying what?

Edwina:
'MACBETH'! Oh, now I've said it. [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Bart Simpson:
This is cool! 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth', 'MacBeth'. [McKellen is hit by lightning each time Bart says 'MacBeth']

Ian McKellen:
Bart, stop saying 'MacBeth'! [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, you said 'MacBeth'. [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Homer:
Mr. 'MacBeth', I'm really sorry. [McKellen is hit by lightning]

Edwina:
That's quite alright. You didn't know.

Homer:
Milord, we Americans love queens, be they homecoming or dairy. This woman, however, is an imposter! Her luggage is inscribed H.R.H. which means her real name must be Henrietta R. Hippo

Homer Simpson:
Good luck!

Ian McKellen:
That's bad luck too!

Homer Simpson:
It says here that Iceland is green and Greenland is icy. The Vikings switched the names to screw with people. [All laugh; cut to them shivering in Iceland]

Moe Szyslak:
Stupid Vikings! It's still pretty damn cold!

Lenny Leonard:
All I brought was shorts.

Moe Szyslak:
Say, have you seen our friend? He's about this tall, wears a jacket, has no visible tattoos...

Homer Simpson:
Just say he's black.

Moe Szyslak:
You say he's black!

Homer Simpson:
Tell us where the money is or we'll feed you shark meat fermented in its own urine.

Carl Carlson:
No! Anything but the inedible food of my native people!

Moe Szyslak:
[as Lenny fights Carl] When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show.

Moe Szyslak:
Take a break from your dreary lives and listen to Americans lecture you.

Bart Simpson:
[Looking inside an abandoned mine] The legends are true!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Did you find gold?

Bart Simpson:
Better! The prospectors left naughty French postcards. Ooh-la-la!

Nelson Muntz:
That's fool's porn. I'll take them off your hands for ya. [Takes cards and goes behind a cactus] Ce si bon! Si bon! Si bon! And... remorse.

Lisa Simpson:
These flowers have saved me from a terrible fate: not getting an A on my science project.

Principal Seymour Skinner:
Move it along, Lisa. We have to go. Milhouse found a hippie skeleton and he's freaking out.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Never get off the bus! Never get off the bus!

Grampa Simpson:
Here, go buy yourself some rock and roll records.

Bart Simpson:
To the antique store!

Grampa Simpson:
Hold on there, Fritz. Before you squeeze out any of my grampa grease, ask me this question. What did you do during the war?

Walter Hottenhoffer:
World War II? I wasn't born yet.

Grampa Simpson:
Funny how many Germans say that nowadays.

Homer Simpson:
Thanks for giving us a tour of your factory, Mr. Wonka.

Walter Hottenhoffer:
I am not Willie Wonka.

Bart Simpson:
No, you're Augustus Gloop, the fat German kid.

Walter Hottenhoffer:
Yes, it's true. I am Gloop. Being stuck in that tube changed me in so many ways.

Grampa Simpson:
Now that's what I call a fishing trip.

Homer Simpson:
That's what I was going to say.

Bart Simpson:
This is great. It's like we have our own monster.

Homer Simpson:
Grampa is not a monster. Now let's take him down to the basement and chain him.

Grampa Simpson:
Sounds fine to me.

Walter Hottenhoffer:
Just once I'd like to have a day when I don't put a gun to my head.

Lisa:
Solitude never hurt anyone. Emily Dickinson lived alone, and she wrote some of the most beautiful poetry the world has ever known... then went crazy as a loon.

[about Bart's incorrigible behavior]

Chief Wiggum:
You know, you do have options. For example, there are behavior-modifying drugs. How wedded are you to the Bart you know?

Homer Simpson:
Not very.

[Bart is shipped off to military school]

Mrs. Krabappel:
[pouring champagne] You dream about this day for so long, then when it comes, you don't know what to say.

Principal Skinner:
Edna, your tears say more than words ever could.

Marge Simpson:
Well, it certainly was nice of you to accept Bart in the middle of a semester.

The Commandant:
Fortunately, we've had a couple of recent freak-outs, so that freed up a couple of bunks.

Bart Simpson:
"Freak-outs?"

[the Simpsons pass a literature class at the academy]

Cadet in Poetry Class:
Truth is beauty, beauty truth, sir!

Lisa:
They're discussing poetry! Oh, they never do that at my school.

Poetry Instructor:
But the truth can be harsh and disturbing! How can that be considered beautiful?

Marge Simpson:
Well, they sure sucked the fun out of that poem.

Bart Simpson:
Please don't make me stay, Dad. I'll do anything you say. I'll find religion! I'll be good sometimes!

The Commandant:
Let's go over this one more time, just to make sure I understand the situation. [clears throat] You're a girl?

[during a hazing in the rain]

Cadet:
What's the matter? Don't girls like doing push-ups in the mud?

Lisa:
Is there any answer that I can give that won't result in more push-ups?

[the platoon huddles]

Cadet:
No.

[after Lisa's poor performance at the firing range]

Rangemaster:
Maybe you should just learn to use this.

[hands Lisa a whistle]

Rangemaster:
If there's a war, just blow on it, and I'll come help you.

Lisa:
Maybe everyone would be better off if I just quit.

Bart Simpson:
But if you quit, it'd be like an expert knot tier quitting a knot-tying contest right in the middle of tying a knot.

Lisa:
Why'd you say that?

Bart Simpson:
I dunno, I was just looking at my shoelaces.

[nearing the end of the year]

The Commandant:
But these skills are nothing without courage and stamina. Traditionally, the academy tested these virtues by pitting you against each other in a two-day battle royale. [the cadets gasp] That was prior to 1957, thank you very much State Supreme Court...

Lisa:
[reading a note from Bart] "Meet me at the Eliminator after lights out. P.S. The cadets are planning to throw their meatballs at you." Oh...

[holds her tray up just in time to deflect a fusillade of meatballs]

[crossing the "Eliminator" rope climb]

Lisa:
If only I were in Springfield, all my friends would be cheering me on... oh, God, I'm delirious.

Lisa:
I can't do this, Bart. I'm not strong enough.

Bart Simpson:
I thought you came here looking for a challenge.

Lisa:
Duh! A challenge I could do!

Homer Simpson:
[nervously] Well, Bart, did you make sure to return all the guns?

Bart Simpson:
Sir! Yes, sir! Luckily, I am now trained in six additional forms of unarmed combat, sir!

The Commandant:
The wars of the future will not be fought on the battlefield or at sea. They will be fought in space, or possibly on top of a very tall mountain. In either case, most of the actual fighting will be done by small robots. And as you go forth today remember always your duty is clear: To build and maintain those robots.

Firing Range Instructor:
Since you've attended public schools, I'm going to assume you're already proficient with small arms. So, we'll start you off with something a little more advanced.

[hands Bart a grenade launcher]

Bart Simpson:
Wow.

[Bart begins firing away at his targets, destroying four. The last grenade flies off into the distance]

Firing Range Instructor:
Four out of five, Simpson. Impressive. But you missed your last target.

Bart Simpson:
[slyly] Did I?

[Springfield Elementary. Principal Skinner is standing next to the smoldering crater that was his car]

Nelson Muntz:
HA-HA!

Lisa:
[after conquering the "Eliminator" rope climb] I did it! I did it!

Bart Simpson:
Way to go, Lis! I'm so proud of you!

[pause]

Bart Simpson:
You can put your arms down now, Lis.

Lisa:
I can't, they're stuck!

The Commandant:
Franklin, you're no longer the girliest cadet here.

Franklin:
[in a feminine voice] Well. We'll see about that.

[Bart's latest prank has shattered windows all over the city]

Homer Simpson:
[shouting] You've really done it this time, Bart! You're in for the punishment of a lifetime!

Lisa:
[shouting] When do you expect the ringing will stop?

Chief Wiggum:
[checking his watch, shouting] In about ten to fifteen seconds!

Marge Simpson:
[shouting] I certainly hope-! [ringing stops] -so! [covers her mouth, embarrassed; normal voice] That's better.

Homer Simpson:
I'm stuck, and I have to pee. Now I'm just stuck.

Rich Texan:
I'm in oil. What's your racket?

Mr. Burns:
Nuclear power. I make money using my brain, not sticking a pole on the ground and praying for goo.

Mr. Burns:
[trying to enter password to panic room] Dammit, I forget!

Voice of the automatic door of the panic room:
Enter place of birth.

Mr. Burns:
[typing] Pangea...

Voice of the automatic door of the panic room:
Your password has been e-mailed to you.

Moe Syzlak:
[to Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl] Listen Boozebags! I got a good thing going here. If you mess it up, I will *out* the one of you who is gay! [the drunks then run off in a flamboyant fashion] [to Edna] Now, where were we? [they resume kissing]

Troy McClure:
Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such Fox Network specials as "Alien Nose Job" and "Five Fabulous Weeks of the Chevy Chase Show." Tonight we're here to honor America's favorite non-prehistoric cartoon family.

Troy McClure:
Right about now, you're probably saying, "Troy, I've seen every Simpson's episode, You can't show me anything new." [menacing] Well, you got some attitude, Mister. [cheerfully] Besides, you're wrong! Because sometimes, episodes run long, and certain scenes never get aired. So fire up your VCR, because here, for the first time ever, are the cut-out classics.

Troy McClure:
This past summer, all of America was trying to solve the mystery of who shot Mr. Burns. [pause] Then they found out it was the baby. [long pause, coughs]

[notices he's being filmed drinking Tequila shots behind his desk]

[shouts, heavily accented]

Redneck Matt Groening:
Get out of my office!

[fires a six-shooter twice]

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, release the robotic Richard Simmons.

[Showing Simpsons "outtakes."]

Troy McClure:
If that's what they cut out, what they leave in must be pure gold.

Troy McClure:
Yes, the Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable?

Lionel Hutz:
Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.

Marge Simpson:
But we did win!

Lionel Hutz:
That's ok, the box is empty.

Moe:
Hey, I don't need no advice from a pinball machine. I'll have you know, I wrote the book on love.

Grampa:
Yeah - "All Quiet on the Western Front".

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, man, what a day. It's no cakewalk being a single parent, juggling a career and family like so many juggling balls... two, I suppose.

Big Daddy:
It's the Chief! I s'pose I'd best to run. Lord have mercy, how I wish I weren't so fat!

Big Daddy:
New Orleans is my town. Nobody going to mess with me. I got interests, and I ain't talking about stamp collecting, though I do find that extremely interesting.

Seymour Skinner:
Oh yeah, well that makes two of us.

[Ralph is lying in bed]

Ralph:
Daddy, these rubber pants are hot.

Chief Wiggum:
You'll wear 'em till you learn, son.

Moe:
May I have this dance?

Woman:
[walking away] It's all yours.

Moe:
All right, I guess I might as well come clean. I'm not real good with women, and I really wanted to do ya, so I brought along the love tester to help me. As you may have guessed, it's possessed by the dead spirit of my best friend's father.

Homer:
But Marge, you being a cop makes you the man. Which makes me the woman. And I have no interest in that. Besides occasionally wearing the underwear, which, as we discussed, is strictly a comfort thing.

Chief Wiggum:
All right, you scrawny beanpoles: becoming a cop is *not* something that happens overnight. It takes one solid weekend of training to get that badge.

Man:
[screaming] Forget about the badge! When do we get the freakin' guns?

Chief Wiggum:
Hey, I told you, you don't get your gun until you tell me your name.

Man:
I've have it up to here with your "rules"!

[leaves]

Homer:
Whoa, careful now. These are dangerous streets for us upper-lower-middle-class types. So avoid eye contact, watch your pocketbook, and suspect everyone.

Snake:
Three card monte.

Homer:
Woo hoo! Easy money!

Homer:
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, like that movie "Spaceballs." But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy."

Homer:
[gasps] A counterfeit jeans ring operating out of my car hole! I'm gonna tell everybody!

[starts to leave. Herman pulls a gun on him]

Herman:
Not so fast.

[Homer walks slower]

Homer:
Okay.

Herman:
Maybe you should just stop altogether.

[Lenny is dealing cards while Homer plays with Marge's radar gun]

Homer Simpson:
Hurry it up with the cards, Lenny. I've got you clocked at two miles per hour.

Lenny:
Come on, put that away. Those radar guns give ya cancer.

Homer Simpson:
All the more reason for you to hurry up. Hey, what could be going a hundred miles per

[Lenny slugs Homer]

Homer Simpson:
Oww!

Lionel Hutz:
I'll have you know the contents of that dumpster are private! You stick your nose in, you'll be violating attorney-dumpster confidentiality.

[Marge has foiled Herman's counterfeit jeans ring]

Chief Wiggum:
That's some nice work, Simpson. But I'm afraid we can't hold them. There's no evidence.

Homer Simpson:
Yes there is, there's a garage full of counterfeit jeans.

Chief Wiggum:
They've uh... mysteriously disappeared.

[All the cops at the crime scene start wearing the counterfeit jeans]

Chief Wiggum:
Lookin' good boys!

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, I know your intentions are good but aren't the police the protective force that maintains the status quo for the wealthy elite? Don't you think we ought to attack the roots of social problems instead of jamming people into overcrowded prisons?

Marge:
[pauses] Look Lisa, it's McGriff, the Crime Dog! [uses a hand puppet] Hey, Lisa, help me bite crime, ruff, ruff!

Marge:
[thinking] Everywhere I look, someone is breaking the law. Dog, no leash. Man, littering. Horse, not wearing diaper. Car parked across three handicap spaces... [out loud] Homer!

Homer:
Hey, Marge. How's my little piglet?

Marge:
Homer, I'm on duty.

Homer:
[chuckles] That's OK, I'm supposed to be working, too.

Marge:
You have to move your car.

Homer:
I'll just be a second, Marge, I'm going to get some beer for those kids over there.

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney all give the thumbs-up]

Marge:
I'm going to pretend that I didn't hear that, but you have to move your car, now.

Homer:
I'll be right back. Now keep your eyes peeled for a real cop.

Marge:
Oh, that's it! I'm going to write you a ticket.

Homer:
But Marge, we're family!

Marge:
You're breaking the law.

Homer:
I'll make you a deal: you rip up that ticket and I'll give you back your hat.

[snatches it]

Marge:
Hey!

[Homer dances around, wearing her cap. As Marge grabs for it, a crowd assembles to watch]

Marge:
Homer, taking an officer's cap is an arrestable offense.

Homer:
Ooh, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do, huh? "Ooh, I'm officer Marge, I'm going to arrest you...!"

[Marge snaps handcuffs on him]

Homer:
Wha-what? Marge, not here! Hey... you're not really arresting me?

Marge:
[replacing her cap] You have the right to remain silent.

Homer:
I choose to waive that right.

[freaks out]

Homer:
WAAAAAAAGGH! WAAH, WAAAAH!

Homer:
Hmm. I wonder why he's so eager to go to the garage?

Moe Szyslak:
The "garage"? Hey fellas, the "garage"! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.

Homer:
Well what do you call it?

Moe Szyslak:
A car hole!

Frog 1:
Bud...

Frog 2:
...Wei...

Frog 3:
...Ser

Frog 1:
Bud...

Frog 2:
...Wei...

Frog 3:
...Ser

[an alligator snatches them in his mouth]

Alligator:
Coors!

Alien:
I bring you love.

Lenny:
It's bringing love, don't let it get away!

Carl:
Break its legs.

[everyone starts to advance on the alien]

Lisa:
Wait! You want an alien? This is your alien.

[Shines torch on alien to reveal Mr. Burns in a twisted and disoriented state]

Mr. Burns:
[in a high-toned voice] Hello, children. I bring you love.

Willy:
Argh. It's a monster. Kill it, kill it!

Smithers:
It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns!

Willy:
Aww, it's Mr. Burns! KILL IT! KILL IT!

Willy:
[shouts] It's a monster! Kill it! Kill it!

Smithers:
It's not a monster, it's Mr. Burns

Willy:
[cooing] Aaw, it's Mr. Burns.

[irate]

Willy:
Kill it! Kill it!

Mulder:
Mr. Simpson, we want you to recreate your every move the night you saw the alien.

Homer:
The evening began at the gentlemen's club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon.

Scully:
Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI.

Homer:
We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Happy?

Mr. Burns:
A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow... and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner.

[last lines]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen:
[closing the book] And so concludes our tale. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night, and keep watching the skis.

[points up]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen:
Uh skies.

[the X Files theme plays]

Mulder:
Look at this, Scully: there has been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.

Scully:
Well, gee Mulder, there's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.

Mulder:
I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.

Leonard Nimoy:
Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Dr. Nick Riviera:
Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...

[exhibiting a swirling mechanical device]

Dr. Nick Riviera:
...till I jam this down your throat!

[Bart tells Homer that he believes Homer's alien story]

Bart Simpson:
You seem so damn sure.

Homer Simpson:
Thanks, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?

Bart Simpson:
Hell, yes.

Mulder:
[after subjecting Homer to a physical and numerous medical tests, Scully has set him on a treadmill] Wait a minute, Scully. What's the point of this test?

Scully:
No point. I just figured he could stand to lose some weight.

Mulder:
[Seeing the movement of Homer's belly] His jigglin is almost hypnotic.

Scully:
Yes. It's like a lava lamp.

Alien:
I bring you love.

Dr. Hibbert:
Is that the love between a man and a woman? Or the love of a man for a cuban cigar?

Alien:
Uh... I bring you love.

Homer:
[Using a trick he learned watching "Speed"] I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to speed around the city, keeping its speed over fifty, and if its speed dropped, the bus would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

[Homer sees a billboard that says 'DIE']

Homer:
Yaaaaaaaah!

[the wind blows away the tree that covered the last letter of the billboard, saying now 'DIET']

Homer:
Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Grampa:
[after being bit by a turtle] Aaaahhhhhh! He bit me with my own teeth!

Homer:
I don't see any shirts saying Homer is a dope.

Sarcastic worker:
They sold out ten minutes ago.

Homer:
I'll take one.

Mr. Burns:
And now that I am back to normal I don't bring love. I bring hate, fear and...

Dr. Nick Riviera:
Time for your booster!

Mr. Burns:
Good morning starshine...

Scully:
Now we're gonna run a few tests. This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes or no questions and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?

Homer:
Yes.

[lie detector explodes]

Mulder:
Are we alone in the universe? Impossible. When you consider the wonders that exist all around us... voodoo priests of Haiti, the Tibetan numerologists of Appalachia, the unsolved mysteries of Unsolved Mysteries... The truth is out there.

Lisa:
All right! It's time for ABC's "TGIF" line-up!

Bart Simpson:
Lise, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday is just another day between NBC's "Must See Thursday" and CBS' "Saturday night craporama".

Bart:
Leonard Nimoy? What are you doing here?

Leonard Nimoy:
Wherever there is mystery and the unexplained, cosmic forces shall draw me near.

Bart:
[flippantly] Uh-huh.

Hot Dog Vendor:
Hey Spock, what do you want on your hot dog?

Leonard Nimoy:
Surprise me.

Homer:
I saw this in a movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode. I think it was called, "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."

Rev. Lovejoy:
I remember another gentle visitor from the heavens. Who came to earth... and then died... only to be brought back to life again. And his name was: E.T., the extra-terrestrial. I love that little guy.

Mr. Burns:
So, Smithers, what are you doing this weekend. Something gay, I expect?

Smithers:
What?

Mr. Burns:
You know, light and fancy free. Mothers, lock up your daughters. Smithers is on the town.

Smithers:
Oh. Of course.

Kent Brockman:
The alien has appeared in the Springfield Forest for the last two Friday nights. Will it appear again this Friday? The entire Channel 6 News Team will be there, except for Bill, the boom mike operator, who's getting fired tomorrow.

[boom mike hits Kent]

Kent Brockman:
Very unprofessional, Bill.

Homer:
I don't mind being called a liar when I'm lying, or about to lie, or just finished lying, but NOT WHEN I'M TELLING THE TRUTH.

Homer:
This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!

Bart Simpson:
What if we don't?

Homer:
We'll fake it, and sell it to the FOX network.

Bart Simpson:
They'll buy anything.

Homer:
Now, Bart, they do a lot of quality programming too. [Both burst out laughing] I kill me.

Homer:
So I says, blue M&M, red M&M, they all wind up the same color in the end.

Chief Wiggum:
Your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass, um, Simpson. Let me just type it up on my invisible typewriter.

Homer:
Fine. You don't have to humiliate me.

[leaves, a man enters carrying a blowtorch]

Man:
I just torched a building downtown and I'm afraid I'll do it again.

Chief Wiggum:
Right. Let me just type that up on my invisible typewriter.

Homer:
I'm like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket and flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?

Moe:
Who'd have thought a whale would be so heavy?

Marge Simpson:
Have you been drinking?

Homer:
No! Well, ten beers.

Jasper:
Thank god it's Wednesday. [takes his pills]

Mrs. Glick:
It's Friday.

Jasper:
[looks at his empty cup] Uh-oh... wrong pills.

[Jasper sprouts hair until he looks like an old sasquatch]

Jasper:
Little help?

Bart:
Hey, dad. What's the word with planet crackpot?

Homer:
I suppose you're going to mock me, too.

Bart:
Actually, dad, I believe you.

Homer:
You do?

Bart:
Yes, I do. You seem so damn sure.

Homer:
Thank you, son. And do you think you can stop the casual swearing?

Bart:
Hell yes.

Bart Simpson:
Hey dad, can I have a sip of your beer?

Homer Simpson:
Now, son, you don't want to drink beer. That's for daddies and kids with fake IDs.

Leonard Nimoy:
[finishing Homer's 'story'] And so, from this simple man came the proof that we are not alone in the universe. I'm Leonard Nimoy. Good night.

Squeaky-Voiced Teen:
Uh, Mr. Nimoy, we have ten minutes left.

Leonard Nimoy:
Oh. Uh, fine. Let me just, uh, go get something out of my car.

[Nimoy runs out of the room; a car door is heard slamming and the tires are heard peeling away]

Squeaky-Voiced Teen:
[entering the shot] I don't think he's coming back.

Homer Simpson:
I'm not made of money. I'm made of man meat and a skeleton.

Lisa Simpson:
[Homer is using fans connected to Flanders' house to power the turbine] Dad, it sort of defeats the whole purpose of using wind power if you power the windmill with electricity from Flanders.

Ned Flanders:
Homer, this meeting of your "fan" club is adjourned.

Homer Simpson:
But we haven't heard the minutes of our last meeting. [Flanders disconnects fans]

Homer Simpson:
You used to be nicer!

Lisa Simpson:
We're going to check out the storm damage!

Homer Simpson:
Be careful! If you see a downed power line, do whatever it is people are supposed to do in that situation.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, you take the car.

Lisa Simpson:
But I can't drive.

Homer Simpson:
Haven't you learned anything from watching Bart drive?

Lisa Simpson:
A little.

Homer Simpson:
I tried my best. I know it's hard to find out your father isn't perfect.

Bart Simpson:
Perfect father? That's for sure.

Homer Simpson:
I'm trying to be a sensitive father, you unwanted moron!

Comic Book Guy:
[Wearing a whalebone girdle] Behold, I am Captain Kirk from Star Trek One. [Girdle gives way] Two. [Girdle gives way more] FIve. [Girdle gives way more] Generations. [Girdle breaks entirely] Boston Legal.

Lisa Simpson:
Those babies are doomed, just like their mom. I guess it's just nature's way.

Homer Simpson:
Nature is just a toothless, dying old hag! Let's go save those baby whales!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, the sharks must think you're a baby whale!

Homer Simpson:
Ooh, a baby whale. My diet is working.

Lisa Simpson:
Do you think they'll be all okay?

Homer Simpson:
Absolutely. He's young, he's got a couple of cute kids, soon he'll hook up with a beautiful octopus. They'll have to sell the old place, too many memories, but if I'm not mistaken, there might be a little whalepus on the way.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, I found what you were looking for.

Homer Simpson:
A churro you can eat in the shower?

Snake Jailbird:
[Seeing the Simpsons house lit up while they're away] Do they think I'm stupid? I am so going to enjoy pooping on their carpet.

Marge Simpson:
We lost our wedding china.

Homer Simpson:
Now we'll have to eat Thanksgiving dinner on regular plates like animals.

Kearney:
Hey, Milhouse. Want to learn more about "whaling"?

Milhouse Van Houten:
Sure. [Kearney grabs him and punches him in the stomach]

Kearney:
Want me to "knock it off"?

Milhouse Van Houten:
I'm afraid to.

Kearney:
Never tell a bully you're afraid. [Hits Milhouse on the head]

Bart Simpson:
This is going to be the biggest dead thing we've ever poked with a stick.

Milhouse Van Houten:
If only that flattened squirrel could see us now.

Homer Simpson:
Typical eco-jerks! Usin' words to talk!

Marge Simpson:
[Stuck in the basement due to agoraphobia] What to do now? Too crazy to go outside; not crazy enough to have imaginary friends.

Marge Simpson:
[after beating up a thief who tried to rob her] You've just been Marge-inalized!

Moe Szyslak:
Ugh, listen Marge, um- how can I put this delicately? I don't got enough booze in this place to make you look good.

Marge Simpson:
[breaks jar of pickled eggs on bar counter and points jagged edge of jar at Moe] Maybe death will stop your yammering.

Apu:
Mrs. Simpson, bathroom is not for customers. Please use the crack house across the street.

Moe:
Well the only way I can recoup from this is...

[takes out a can of gas, pours it all over his bar, and throws and lighted match on it]

Carl:
Um, aren't you supposed to get insurance first?

Moe:
Oh crap.

Homer Simpson:
[over radio] Oh hi, Jesus, I was just...

Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon:
[Manjula and Marge walk in on Apu getting ready to hang himself] Oh, Apu, you are such a Brahma queen.

Manjula:
Apu, you have completed the list. You may now move back with your family in your never ending disgrace.

Homer:
Wait a minute. You forgot to eat a light bulb.

Apu:
Thank you very much, you fat blabbermouth. Sorry, sorry. It's been a rough month.

Homer:
[gives him light bulb] Here you go.

[whispers]

Homer:
Don't worry. I soaked it in the toilet to soften it up.

Manjula:
You remind me of the monkey man who killed my father's chickens.

Divorce Lawyer:
Yes, I get that a lot.

Divorce Lawyer:
When will you Humans learn that your "Feelings", as you call them, can stand in the way of big cash settlements? Whoo-ha-ha-ha!

[Dances on the table]

Octuplet 1:
Mommy!

Octuplet 2:
Will!

Octuplet 3:
You!

Octuplet 4:
Let!

Octuplet 5:
Daddy!

Octuplet 6:
Come!

Octuplet 7:
Back!

Octuplet 8:
Cookie!

Homer:
I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavour?

Squishy Lady:
Sure.

Homer:
Grape.

Bart:
Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?

Sunday School Teacher:
For the last time, Bart, yes!

Homer Simpson:
[on heaven] I can understand why they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who rollerskate and smoke cigars?

Bart:
I was wondering, how important is it to be popular?

Homer Simpson:
I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

Bart:
So like, sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?

Homer Simpson:
You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Homer Simpson:
A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

Barney:
How long is this going to take?

Bart:
About twenty-two minutes and five seconds.

[the average length of an episode without the commercials]

Bart:
It's just a statue.

Marge Simpson:
It's the statue of the trailblazing founder of our town!

Lisa Simpson:
It's a symbol of what we can all do if we put our minds to it!

Homer Simpson:
Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

Homer:
Just a statue? Is the Statue of Liberty just a statue? Is the Leaning Tower of Pizza just a statue?

[while listening to a football game on a Walkman in church]

Homer:
Please, please, please, please...

Sportscaster:
Yes, it's good.

Homer:
IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. IT'S GOOD. It's... good to see you all today.

Marge Simpson:
Bart, assume the position! [Bart stands against a wall while Marge frisks him to see if he's concealing anything while at Sunday school, finding a slingshot and a comic book]

Homer Simpson:
My pants are splitting! Everyone will see my tattoo of Donald Duck smoking a doob. That's for Marge's eyes only.

Marge Simpson:
What was your favorite thing at the museum?

Lisa Simpson:
I liked the knowledgeable docents.

Bart Simpson:
I liked the early closing time.

Marge Simpson:
Wasn't that show just a rip-off of The Honeymooners?

Homer Simpson:
Every show is a rip-off of The Honeymooners. Baby, you're the greatest.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Ralph, Fred, Archie, King of Queens... I mean, Homer.

Annie Dubinsky:
I was so devastated I didn't sleep with a clown for five months.

Homer Simpson:
What about mimes?

Annie Dubinsky:
Come on, I'm not made of stone.

Homer Simpson:
Everything about the past is perfect, except how it led to the present.

Homer Simpson:
Marge, you wouldn't believe it! They sell shredded meat on the street corners!

Cuban Vendor Boy:
Es Carne de Burro.

[translation:
"It's Donkey Meat"]

Homer Simpson:
It's nice to meet you.

Mr. Burns:
Well, if it's a crime to love one's country, then I'm guilty. And if it's a crime to steal a trillion dollars from our government and hand it over to communist Cuba, then I'm guilty of that too. And if it's a crime to bribe a jury, then so help me, I'll soon be guilty of that!

Homer Simpson:
God bless America!

Mr. Burns:
[points to a display case] Oh, you'll find this amusing, the suit Charlie Chaplin was buried in.

Homer Simpson:
Does this make me look fat?

Lisa Simpson:
No, it makes you look like a tool of government oppression.

Homer Simpson:
But not fat?

Kent Brockman:
Sir, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?

Otto:
Taxes? Isn't this the line for Metallica?

Kent Brockman:
Sir, uh, why did you wait until the last minute to pay your taxes?

Krusty the Clown:
Because I'm an idiot! Happy?

Kent Brockman:
[back to the camera] Of course not everyone is an idiot.

Mr. Burns:
Sorry about the landing, boys. This fog is so thick, I can't see my own cataracts.

Mr. Burns:
[Smithers, Burns and Homer are trying to find an island to start a new country on] Ohhh, there's a big one! And it has freedom written all over it!

Waylon Smithers:
Sir... that's Cuba.

Mr. Burns:
Cuba, eh? Take 'er down, Smithers.

Waylon Smithers:
Uh, you're flying the plane, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Excellent.

Fidel Castro:
Comrads, our nation is completely bankrupt! We have no choice but to abandon communism!

Castro's Aide, Castro's Associates:
[sigh]

Fidel Castro:
I know, I know, I know... but we all knew from day one this mumbo jumbo wouldn't fly! I'll call Washington and tell them they won.

Castro's Aide:
But presidente, America tried to kill you!

Fidel Castro:
Ah, they're not so bad. They even named a street after me in San Francisco!

[Aide #2 whispers something into his ear]

Fidel Castro:
It's full of what?

Homer:
But I can't leave the country. What about my wife and kids?

Smithers:
That can be shipped.

Fidel Castro:
Ahhh, the Americans aren't so bad, they named a street after me in San Francisco.

[Aide whispers in his ear]

Fidel Castro:
It's full of *what*?

Homer Simpson:
[Homer doing his taxes] Okay, Marge, if anyone asks: You require 24-hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam.

Homer Simpson:
[fleeing from the IRS with Mr. Burns] We'll hide out at my place. I've got beer.

Marge Simpson:
Look at them! They've jumped on the one franchise I might have considered thinking about possibly becoming interested in.

Fat Tony:
You have twenty-four hours to get us our money. And just to show you that we are serious: you have *twelve* hours.

Marge Simpson:
[Marge's pretzel business is going nowhere] [Marge despondently looks at a poster of a cat barely hanging to a tree branch] Hang in there, baby. You said it, kitty. [reads the small print] "Copyright 1968." Hmmm. Determined or not, that cat must be long dead. That's kind of a downer.

Fat Tony:
Sorry we're late. Can we have the money now?

Marge Simpson:
The answer is no.

Fat Tony:
I'm afraid I must insist. You see, my wife she has been most vocal on the subject of the pretzel monies. "Where is the money?" "When are you going to get the money?" "Why aren't you getting the money now?" And so on.

[moving forward menacingly]

Fat Tony:
So please, the money.

White-suited Yakuza:
[crashes through the window and brushes himself off] Forgiveness, please!

Apu:
Homer, you've got to help me!

Homer Simpson:
Okay. Seems to me... [clears throat] What you oughta do is, um...

Apu:
What? What? What? What? What?

Homer Simpson:
Well, you could always move into my house and tell your mom that Marge is your wife.

Apu:
Is it me, or do your plans always involve some horrible web of lies?

Homer Simpson:
It's you.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, Dad! I've come to spend time with my favorite father.

Grampa Simpson:
Baloney! You came here to put me in a home.

Homer Simpson:
You're already in a home.

Grampa Simpson:
Oh, how could you?

Homer Simpson:
But, you can't leave. We're scammin' an old lady at my house, and I need a place to hide out.

Moe Szyslak:
Sorry, Homer. I've been plannin' this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, right. With the giant heads.

Moe Szyslak:
With the what now?

Homer Simpson:
You know what you could do, Apu?

Apu:
Yeah, shut up.

Homer Simpson:
You could fake your own death.

Apu:
Oh, would you shut up?

Homer Simpson:
All you need is a car bomb and...

Apu:
I can't believe you don't shut up!

[At Apu's wedding]

Marge:
Thanks for helping us out, Reverend. I know you've never performed a Hindu ceremony before.

Rev. Lovejoy:
Well, Christ is Christ.

Moe:
I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally going to see Easter Island.

Homer:
Oh, right, with the giant heads.

Moe:
With the what now?

Homer:
Marge, promise me you'll put me in a home. It's like being a baby, only you're old enough to apreciate it.

Homer:
Hey, what's lucky hooked up to?

Nurse:
A respirator. It breathes for him.

Homer:
And here I am using my own lungs like a sucker.

Warden:
So why do you want to become a Juvinal Hall prison guard?

Homer:
I believe the children are our future, unless we stop 'em now!

Bart Simpson:
Wait, do you even have a family?

Gina:
No, they're imaginary - like your brain!

Klaus Ziegler:
[narrating "Strupo: A History"] "The Grey Troll," "Brine of Madness," "Angel's Urine"... all names for the mysterious elixir known as Strupo. Though this fermented caper solution was originally used to dissolve seagull corpses, local alcoholics soon found Strupo to be a palatable drink of last resort. The noxious liquor causes powerful olfactory hallucinations, gender confusion and wandering mouth. So if you visit Isla Verde, be sure to say "ahoy" to the crushing addiction of Strupo. Strupo: lose everything!

Lisa Simpson:
[Her guinea pig goes into a mousehole] He's in the walls. I hear chewing.

Bart Simpson:
No, that's a much larger animal.

Homer Simpson:
[In the kitchen on the other side of the wall] Kettlecorn: the heroin of the farmer's market.

Homer Simpson:
We could have what these people have, a financial cushion. No more living paycheck to paycheck, always one lost retainer away from the gutter.

Marge Simpson:
I could write a check with today's date on it.

Homer Simpson:
That's the cushion.

Homer Simpson:
Here's what makes great art: one, nudity; two, holograms; three, horrible things happening to Jesus.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, that painting has torn the town apart, ruined Kirk and Luanne's marriage, and I'm worried about poor Milhouse.

Bart Simpson:
He's been playing Dance Dance Revolution for hours, but the TV is off.

Lisa Simpson:
I can't believe I'm really going! My first trip to providence.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, yeah. Just remember, if your mother asks, I took you to a wine tasting.

Lisa Simpson:
That's a terrible thing for a father to do.

Homer Simpson:
That's why she'll believe it.

Homer Simpson:
To me, it looks like garbage salad. But that's the great thing about art. Everyone can have their own opinion on why it sucks.

Homer Simpson:
That was real cold, Luanne! Real cold! Brr! Sarcastic brr!

[Homer lies in a drunken heap]

Marge:
I've never been so embarrassed in my life.

Homer:
Why, what did you do?

Homer:
Son, about last night. You might've noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.

Bart:
I understand why. You were wasted.

Homer:
I'm sorry it happened, and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.

Bart:
Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

Homer:
Aww.

[a la "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"]

Gloria S.:
Johnny-boy hasn't been able to cut it, man-wise, for some time, not that I'd want stench of gin and sour defeat pressed against me.

John S.:
That's enough, Gloria!

Reverend Lovejoy:
John, why don't you speak?

John S.:
She never cooks, she doesn't keep a clean house, she

[shouts]

John S.:
smokes and she drinks and she talks profanely! She's the queen of the harpies!

Gloria S.:
No, I'm not.

John S.:
[shouts] Queen of the harpies!

Gloria S.:
No, I'm not!

John S.:
[shouts] Here's your crown, Your Majesty. Queen of the harpies!

Gloria S.:
Get away from me, you swine!

Marge:
Homer, I thought our marriage could survive anything, and that there was no line you could cross that could make me stop loving you. But last night, you not only crossed the line, you threw up on it!

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party]

Julius Hibbert:
If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge:
Thank you, Doctor.

Julius Hibbert:
Remember, I said "if."

[Marge and Homer have an argument in the car. Marge turns on the radio]

Marge:
When I was young, I always hated knowing my parents were fighting!

[Bart, Lisa and Maggie watch from the house]

Bart:
They're fighting in the car again.

Lisa Simpson:
That music always sends a chill down my spine.

Reverend Lovejoy:
We have some new pamphlets available in our church news rack including "Bible Bafflers," "Satan's Boners" and "Good Grief, More Satan's Boners" and for you teens, "It's Not Cool to Fry in Hell."

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, Grampa is a kindly old man who trusts us. Are you sure its right to take advantage of him?

Bart:
Lis, in these crazy, topsy-turvy times, who's to say what's right or wrong. Right now, my gut is telling me: "bleed Gramps dry."

Bart:
Lisa, I have this strong unpleasant feeling I've never had before.

Lisa Simpson:
It's called remorse, you vile burlesque of irrepresible youth.

Marge:
[about Homer] He's so self-centered! He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, both religious and secular. He chews with his mouth open. He gambles. He hangs out in a seedy bar with bums and lowlifes!

Homer:
[covers his face] Oh, it's all true!

Reverend Lovejoy:
Homer, don't interrupt.

Homer:
Sorry.

Marge:
He blows his nose on the towels and puts them back in the middle!

Homer:
I only did that a couple of times!

[reaching the end of her list of Homer's flaws]

Marge:
He drinks out of the carton. He never changes the baby. When he goes to sleep, he makes chewing noises. When he wakes up, he makes honking noises. Oh, oh, and he scratches himself with his keys. I guess that's it... Oh, no, wait. He kicks me in his sleep and his toenails are too long, and yellow.

Clerk:
Yep, General Sherman. They say he's five hundred pounds of bottom-dwelling fury, don't you know. No one knows how old he is, but if you ask me, and most people do, he's hundred years if he's a day.

Customer:
And, uh, no one's ever caught him?

Clerk:
Well, one fella came close. Went by the name of Homer. Seven feet tall he was, with arms like tree trunks. His eyes were like steel: cold, hard. Had a shock of hair, red, like the fires of Hell.

[the TV image is shaky]

Homer:
Time for Dr. TV to perform a little surgery.

[he hits the TV, and the picture goes fuzzy]

Bart:
Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Homer:
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England.

Homer:
I love watching the bald guy argue with the fat tub of lard.

Marge Simpson:
[Marge leaves the dance room and sees Homer sitting on the stairs crying heavily. She walks up to him] Homer?

Homer:
[He sniffles and looks up at her] What?

Marge Simpson:
[She sits down beside him] Why are you doing this? Why can't you accept that I'm here with someone else?

Homer:
[Sniffles; his voice breaks as he talks] Because I'm... sure we were meant to be together. Usually when I have a thought, there's a lot of *other* thoughts in there... some things says, yes, some things says, no... But this time, there's only yes!

[Cries as he talks]

Homer:
How can the only thing I've ever been sure about in my life be wrong?

Marge Simpson:
[Looks down] Hm... I don't know... But it is.

[Walks away]

Marge Simpson:
Why so glum?

Homer:
[sigh] I got a problem. Once you stop this car, I'm gonna hug you. And kiss you. And I'll never be able to let you go.

Homer:
[Flashes back to the present] And I never have

Homer:
You wanna go out with me?

Marge Simpson:
Um, I don't think you're my type

Homer:
You see the problem is you don't know me. I have references. Just ask Coach Flannigan and Mr Seckofsky. And Barney Gumble.

Marge Simpson:
Hmmmm I don't know

Homer:
Look, I'm not asking you to like me. I'm not asking you to put yourself in a position where I can touch your goodies. I'm just asking you to be fair

Homer:
[after having a meeting with his guidance counselor] Me, work in a nuclear power plant? Ka-blammo!

Homer Simpson:
Ew, I kissed that sad, weird kid!

Homer Simpson:
[sitting on lakeside dock] Who are you?

Sea Captain:
I'm the camp swimming instruct-arrrr. Except on weekends, when I run the movie project-arrrr. Only PG movies, nothing R-rrrr.

Homer Simpson:
Alright, how should I get there?

[looks at rowing boat]

Homer Simpson:
Hmm. I guess it's row versus wade. And it's my right to choose!

[Everyone sees a huge tidal wave]

All:
Shiiiiii-pwreck

Kearney:
This movie's not silent. I can hear it sucking.

Ned Flanders:
Our G-rated treat tonight is a film from my favorite year... yester.

Homer Simpson:
[Marge is watching a home movie of her in Barnacle Bay] I never saw Marge want to go to a place so bad. I will make her dream come true by burning that film to DVD. [cut to Marge sadly watching the DVD] I never seen her want to go to a place so badly. I will take her there, by downloading it to her iPod. [cut to Marge sadly looking at her iPod] I'm sorry I couldn't figure out how to download that movie to your iPod, so I'm taking the whole family on a surprise vacation to Barnacle Bay.

Marge Simpson:
This used to be my favorite seahorse. I called it Funny Goodfeeling. Someone carved swastikas in your eyes!

Homer Simpson:
Don't worry. I'm sure it was some guy full of hate.

Captain McCallister:
These seas used to be full of yum fish.

Lisa Simpson:
Maybe you overfished them all.

Captain McCallister:
Maybe they underspawned.

Lisa Simpson:
Maybe you killed them all.

Captain McCallister:
Maybe they killed themselves.

Lisa Simpson:
Maybe you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Captain McCallister:
Maybe you ought to marry Milhouse! [Lisa gasps] That's right. Everyone knows about Milhouse.

Marge Simpson:
It's the famous Barnacle Bay fog. There's even a poem about it. "Oh, cotton candy in gossamer light, thy soft gray kiss upon my cheek..." [Smells the fog] It smells like hiney!

[Lisa tells Homer about Thomas Edison]

Homer:
No one man can do all that. You're a liar, honey. A dirty, rotten liar.

[after getting blasted by Homer's "make up gun"]

Marge:
Homer, you've got it set on "whore!"

Kent Brockman:
The phony pope can be identified by his high top sneakers, and incredibly foul mouth.

Bart:
Hey, dad. Heard you were swearing. Mind if I join in? Crap, b*obs, crap!

Homer:
Ohhh, stupid movies. Who invented these dumb things, anyway?

[menacingly]

Homer:
Was it you, Bart?

Homer Simpson:
Don't tell my kids I'm going to jail. Tell them I joined the Blue Man Group. I'm the fat one.

Lisa Simpson:
Aw, thanks for reading me the corrections. It makes me feel better about my own family.

Artie Ziff:
Doesn't your father ever read to you?

Lisa Simpson:
He tried once, but he got confused and thought the book was real. He's still looking for that chocolate factory... It consumes him.

Homer Simpson:
[Spooky music starts] That's it! It's one thing for a ghost to terrorize my children, but quite another for him to play my theremin!

Groundskeeper Willie:
I lost all me "screw you" money.

Principal Skinner:
I'm sorry, Willie.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Screw you!

[Bart and Milhouse walk up to home plate]

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Dad, can we play?

Robot T21:
[scans Bart and Milhouse using X-ray vision] We cannot take the inferior one.

Milhouse:
My heart makes up for my shortcomings, like Rudy.

Robot T21:
Rudy was only put in at the end of a meaningless game.

Robot A18:
We will notify you if this game becomes meaningless.

Homer Simpson:
[robot gets run over while pushing Homer out of the path of an oncoming truck] That could have been my motherboard lying in the street.

Robot J25:
Our primary directive is to preserve human life.

Homer Simpson:
And here I was, waiting 'til you slept to rob you of your copper.

Homer Simpson:
I can go one weekend without drinking, just like when I was in that alcohol-induced coma.

Mr. Burns:
This is the last time I pay for the mortality of the average worker. Smithers, it's time to deploy those kangaroos we've been training.

Smithers:
Sir, all they did was use their pouches to steal office supplies.

Mr. Burns:
Even the joeys?

Smithers:
Sir, there is a more high-tech solution.

Mr. Burns:
More high-tech than kangaroos?

Homer Simpson:
So you're my new co-workers, eh? Working hard or hardly working? [Robots don't respond] I said, working hard or hardly working? [Angrier] Working hard or hardly working? It's a simple question! Are you A: working hard, or B: hardly... [Robot shocks Homer] I think we found our office cut-up. I'd better stay away from you on April Fools Day, am I right? [Angrily] I said, am I... [Robot shocks him again]

Ned Flanders:
Homer, I believe this is the part in God's plan where you get killed by robots.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Flanders. I don't judge a robot by the color of their eyes. I judge them by what they have in their hands, which have turned into buzzsaws.

Homer Simpson:
Before we die, can you at least tell me your real age?

Mr. Burns:
Well, it has four digits...

Homer:
Okay, now look. My boss is going to be at this picnic, so I want you to show your father some love and/or respect.

Lisa:
Tough choice.

Bart:
I'm picking respect.

Homer:
Sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.

Marge:
Maybe we should move to a larger community.

Homer:
When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle. They're on TV!

Bart:
Make yourselves at home. Hear that Dad - you can lie around in your underwear and scratch yourself.

[Greeting the Simpsons at the company picnic, Burns reads from a card]

Mr. Burns:
And this must be, uh... Brat.

Bart:
Bart.

Homer:
Don't correct the man, Brat.

Homer:
You know, Moe, my mom once said something that really stuck with me. She said, "Homer, you're a big disappointment," and God bless her soul, she was really onto something.

Mr. Burns:
[after seeing Homer give Bart 5 dollars for a kiss] I never saw such an obvious attempt to curry my favor!

Weyland Smithers:
Fabulous observation sir, just fabulous!

Weyland Smithers:
[watching the city lights flicker on and off] Wow!, somebody's really gobbling up the juice, Sir!

Mr. Burns:
Excellent! Excellent! Perhaps this energy conservation fad is as dead as the dodo!

Dr. Marvin Monroe:
You are wired into the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock...

[buzz]

Homer:
AH!

Bart:
Just testing.

[as the Simpson family repeatedly shocks one another]

Dr. Marvin Monroe:
This is not the way to get healthy!

Homer:
[Trying to pawn TV] Would you pay $150 for this lovely Motorola?

Pawnbroker:
Is it cable ready?

Homer:
Ready as she'll ever be!

Weyland Smithers:
[over PA] Now hear this! The father-son sack race will commence on the north lawn in approximately five minutes. Participation is mandatory - repeat, mandatory! That is all.

Weyland Smithers:
[at the start of the sack race] Mr. Burns, are you ready?

Mr. Burns:
Yes.

Weyland Smithers:
Are you set?

Mr. Burns:
Yes.

Weyland Smithers:
[whispers] Go, Mr. Burns!

[Burns takes off in a significant head-start before Smithers fires the starting pistol]

Barney Gumble:
Don't blame yourself, Homer. You've got crummy little kids that nobody can control.

Homer:
You can't talk that way about my kids! Well, at least two of them, anyway.

Barney Gumble:
Why? Have you got two I haven't met?

Homer:
[angrily] Why you! Here's FIVE you haven't met!

[punches Barney off his stool]

Homer:
[while chasing Bart and Lisa at the Power plant's family picnic] Be normal! Be normal!

Homer:
To save this family, we're going to have to make the ultimate sacrifice... [cut to Homer heading to a pawnshop, with his family surrounding him in agitation]

Lisa:
No, Dad! Please don't sell the TV!

Marge:
Couldn't I pawn my wedding ring instead?

Homer:
I appreciate it, honey, but we're talking $250 here!

Bart:
Hey, check out this house! It's a dump!

Homer:
[chuckles] Yeah, and can you believe I stepped on the owner's garden bushes!

Marge:
Homer, this is our house!

Homer:
D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
[Homer holds up map for a long time so that viewers can read the locations; addresses viewers directly] Have you read them all? Ok, good.

Patty:
Hey, saturated fats. I came to ask you a favor.

Homer Simpson:
Let me get my beltsander. Maybe I can grind the ugly off your face.

Patty:
Very funny.

Homer Simpson:
I wasn't joking!

[Homer pulls out a beltsander, turns it on, and advances on Patty]

Patty:
I need a favor.

Homer Simpson:
Hang on, I'll get my belt sander and try to grind the ugly off your face!

Patty:
Ha, ha, ha, very funny.

Homer Simpson:
I wasn't joking!

[pulls out a belt sander and turns it on]

Kent Brockman:
Now, Reverend Simpson...

Homer Simpson:
Please, Kent, call me your Your Holiness.

Dr. Hibbert:
[Mensa Club is giving a public speech] When are we going to get to my speech?

Comic Book Guy:
Quit butting in please. Your IQ is a mere 155 while mine is a muscular 170.

[singing to the Star Trek theme]

Comic Book Guy:
I am smart. Much smarter than you. Hibbert!

Professor Frink:
You should all do what I do. My IQ is 199 for crying out glaving.

[Accidentally bumps his head]

Professor Frink:
198... 197.

Stephen Hawking:
Big deal. My IQ is 280.

Lisa:
My family never talks about library standards. And every time I try to steer the conversation that way, they make me feel like a nerd.

Comic Book Guy:
We are hardly nerds. Would a nerd wear such an irreverent sweatshirt?

[open his jacket to show off his shirt]

Lisa:
[reading the shirt] "C:/DOS C:/DOS/RUN RUN/DOS/RUN".

[laughs]

Lisa:
Oh, only one person in a million would find that funny.

Professor Frink:
Yes, we call that the "Dennis Miller Ratio."

[Comic Book Guy makes a very sarcastic comment]

Lindsey Naegle:
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?

Professor Frink:
[looking at the screen of a beeping gadget] Are you kidding? Are you kidding me? This sarcasm detector is off the charts!

Comic Book Guy:
[extremely sarcastic] Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. That's a *really* useful invention!

[the sarcasm detector starts beeping frantically and then explodes from overload]

Lisa Simpson:
Hey look. There's a cybor cafe opening right here in Springfield. Will you take me dad? Please! I'll show you how to order pizza over the internet.

Homer Simpson:
The internet? Is that thing still around?

Bart Simpson:
I know a website that shows monkeys doing it.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, the internet is more than a global pornography network, it's a...

[Homer honks his car horn]

Homer Simpson:
Come on Lisa, monkeys!

[Lisa groans]

Lisa Simpson:
Wow dad, you're surfing like a pro.

Homer Simpson:
Oh yeah. I'm betting on Jai Alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called News Corp...

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, that's Fox!

Homer Simpson:
Augh! Undo! Undo!

Homer Simpson:
Hey, you know, I once knew a man from Nantucket.

Bart Simpson:
And?

Homer Simpson:
Let's just say the stories about him are greatly exaggerated.

Homer Simpson:
If we want to see Japanese people, we can just go to the zoo.

Marge Simpson:
[mortified] Homer!

Homer Simpson:
What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese... his name is Takashi... he's in my book club.

Lisa Simpson:
Now, can we do something that is Japanese?

Marge Simpson:
Oh, I know that you wanna visit Japan, honey but we're down to our million yen [pulls a yen bill out of her hair]

Homer Simpson:
Here [Takes the yen bill and makes an origami craine] It's a craine they say it brings luck.

Marge Simpson:
Careful Homer, we need that money to get home. [Then the wind picks up and blows the bill away]

Homer Simpson:
[In Japanese] D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
[about his time in a Japanese prison] I had to do a stupid Kabuki play about the 47 Ronin, I wanted to be Yoshi but they made me Ori.

Wink, the Game Show Host:
Your game shows reward knowledge. Here, we punish ignorance.

Wink, the Game Show Host:
Here are the catagories. [the catagories are in Japanese] Ow, that hurts, why are doing this to me and please let me die.

Japanese Stewardess:
[Seeing Bart playing his Game Boy] I'm sorry, you should not have on any electronic devices.

Bart Simpson:
You're the boss. [Bart turns off his Game Boy, then the plane takes a nose dive]

Japanese Stewardess:
[Frantically] Turn it back on, turn it back on!

Marge Simpson:
You liked "Rashomon".

Homer Simpson:
That's not how I remember it.

Marge:
C'mon, Homer, Japan will be fun. You like Rashoman.

Homer:
That's not how I remember it. Besides, if we wanted to see Japanese people we could have gone to the zoo.

Marge:
Homer.

Homer:
What? The guy who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Marge:
Every truckload of fish we gut brings us 31 cents closer to those tickets home.

Bart:
And I think I've finally found what I was put on this earth to do

[guts some fishes]

Bart:
knife goes in, guts come out, knife goes in, guts come out

[pulls out a talking fish]

Fish:
Spare my life and I will grant you three...

Bart:
[guts the talking fish] Knife goes in, guts come out.

Homer:
Oh well. At least we'll die doing what we love: inhaling molten rock.

Marge:
Ooh. I never knew Jim Belushi made so many movies.

Homer:
Yeah, isn't it amazing? They're filming one right now in the bathroom. It's gonna be on towards the end of the flight.

[a camera crew films Jim Belushi walking down the aisle]

Belushi:
Toga. Toga. Toga 2000.

Homer:
Marge. They stole my idea.

Bart Simpson:
Got any threes?

Ralph Wiggum:
[Ralph is holding three threes] Go fish.

Bart Simpson:
See, here's the problem, Ralph. You have several threes.

Ralph Wiggum:
Go fish.

Principal Skinner:
Kids, this is Robbie the Automaton.

Robbie the Automaton:
Greetings, Earth children.

Lewis:
Where are you from?

Robbie the Automaton:
[pause] Earth.

[first lines]

Edna Krabappel:
Now, whose calculator can tell what seven times eight is?

Milhouse Van Houten:
Oh! Oh! Low Battery?

Edna Krabappel:
[sighs] Whatever.

Ralph Wiggum:
This is my swing set. This is my sandbox. I'm not allowed to go in the deep end. [points to a large rock] That's where I saw the leprechaun.

Bart Simpson:
[sarcastically] Right, a leprechaun.

Ralph Wiggum:
He told me to burn things.

Bart Simpson:
[uneasily] Uh-huh.

[last lines]

Leprechaun:
Ahh, you've done grand, laddie. Now you know what you have to do. Burn the house down! Burn 'em all!

Troy McClure:
[on a video screen] Welcome to the Knowledgeum. I'm Troy McClure! You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport", and "Where's Nordstrom?". While you're enjoying our hall of wonders, your car will be unfortunately be subject to repeated break-ins...

[fades out]

Homer Simpson:
What'd he say? What about my car?

Ralph Wiggum:
Wanna play stuffed animal parade?

Bart Simpson:
Maybe later. Come on, Ralph, your dad's a cop! There must be some cool stuff around here, bullets, dead body photos, what have you.

Ralph Wiggum:
He keeps that stuff in his closet. But he says I'm not allowed in there.

Bart Simpson:
Did he say *I'm* not allowed in there?

Ralph Wiggum:
Yes.

Bart Simpson:
[pause] Well, I'm goin' in anyway!

Chief Wiggum:
You know you're not supposed to go in there. What is your fascination with my forbidden closet of mystery?

Ralph Wiggum:
There's the key! [a rat takes it] Aah! The pointy kitty took it!

Penetantiary Security Guard:
Somebody down there?

Bart Simpson:
[gasps] Uh-oh. Let's get outta here!

[Bart and Ralph quickly run off]

Penetantiary Security Guard:
Why do I always shout first? Just gives them a chance to run away. Well, I'm an idiot.

Ralph Wiggum:
I found a moonrock in my nose.

Bart Simpson:
Houston, we have a booger.

Mayor Quimby:
[on television] If you commit a violent crime in my town you'll end up here! [pointing at the electrocuting chair]

Ralph Wiggum:
Hey hey that's our playchair!

Mayor Quimby:
[still in television] To demonstrate what you're in for I will now strap myself in!

Bart Simpson:
Uh-oh! We didn't set it to safety switch!

Ralph Wiggum:
He's gonna smell like hotdogs!

Bart Simpson:
Alright! Woo-hoo! Way to go Ralph!

Lisa Simpson:
Ralph? But the rocket was my idea!

Bart Simpson:
What I'm asking you is Ralph's idea.

Homer Simpson:
You're the man Ralph!

Lisa Simpson:
But surely I deserve some credit for

[interrupted by cheering for Ralph]

Bart Simpson:
Aw, let him have this one, Lise. After all, it's Ralph!

Lisa Simpson:
[cheers for Ralph also] Ralph! Ralph! Ralph!

Chief Wiggum:
What IS your fascination with my forbidden closet of mysteries?

Chief Wiggum:
Oh, sure. We'd all love some *real* friends, Marge. But what are the odds of that happening?

Ralph:
That's where I saw the leprechaun. He told me to burn things.

Ralph:
Your toys are fun to touch. Mine are all sticky.

[Homer is playing a machine that shoots animated sperm from its gun in the "Let's Make a Baby" section in the knowledgeum]

Homer:
C'mon, ovulate, damn you. Ovulate.

Computer:
You are out of sperm.

[a rat steals the key]

Ralph:
The pointy kitty took it.

Troy McClure:
Welcome to the Knowledgeum, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such automated information kiosks as "Welcome to Springfield Airport" and "Where's Nordstrom?" While you're enjoying our Hall of Wonders, your car unfortunately will be subject to repeated break-ins and...

[Fades]

Homer:
What'd he say? What about my car?

Bart:
I smell a museum.

Homer:
Yeah, good things don't end with 'eum,' they end with 'mania' or 'teria.'

Bart:
[reading] Whoa, Dad's been arrested six times. Aww, Mom's only been arrested twice.

[after completeing puzzle]

Homer Simpson:
It's the only worth-while thing I ever made that wasn't Lisa.

[Maggie makes angry noise]

Homer Simpson:
Prove me wrong, Silent Bob.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, Weird Al! Did you get those parodies I sent you?

'Weird Al' Yankovic:
Yes I did, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Which one was better, "Livin' La Pizza Loca" or "Another One Bites The Crust"?

'Weird Al' Yankovic:
Actually, Homer, they were both the same.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, like you and Allan Sherman.

[Homer confronts Marge with a "memory box" she had put together before they were married]

Marge Simpson:
Oh, I'd forgotten all about that. Where did you find it?

Homer Simpson:
More like, where didn't I find it? It was practically everywhere!

Kirk Van Houten:
If you see a tie on the door knob, that means I'm with a lady.

Homer:
But you don't have a door knob.

Kirk Van Houten:
I don't have a tie either!

Bart:
I am through with working. Working is for chumps.

Homer:
Son, I am proud of you. I was twice your age when I figured that out.

Homer:
[Coming home as Bart has sold his beer] Hey, boy aow are... [Upon seeing empty beer cans] AAAHHH! My beer, my beautiful beer. [Cries]

[while Milhouse is dangling out of the treehouse, Bart is trying to pull him up with one hand, while reaching for the comic with the other]

Martin Prince:
I'd like to point out that if I weren't tied up, I could be saving the comic as we speak.

Bart:
Shut up, shut up!

[repeated line]

Comic Book Guy:
Friggin' kids.

Mr. Burns:
...And that's how you win an opium war.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, great stuff. And the life lesson is?

Mr. Burns:
The Yangtze River swallows all secrets.

Homer Simpson:
Hmm. I'm just gonna put ''Haste makes waste''.

Mr. Burns:
Yes, although, these days, I can make neither haste nor waste.

Grampa Simpson:
Look at that, they re-created the thirties. Tent cities, failing banks.

Marshall Goldman:
Nope, those are real.

Ralph Wiggum:
Clouds are God's sneezes!

Mitch Albom:
Ooh, I like this kid!

Marge Simpson:
The pound hasn't reported any greyhounds, but they have a daschund, a schnauzer and a pregnant raccoon.

Homer Simpson:
Sounds like a trade up. How much for the pregnant raccoon?

Marge Simpson:
We're not getting a raccoon!

Homer Simpson:
Good, Marge. Get the price down.

Homer Simpson:
Well, I can't lift anything this heavy without my weightlifting belt. [Bends down to reach belt, but cracks his back and moans]

Marge Simpson:
You know you can't lift your weightlifting belt without wearing your weightlifting belt.

Bart Simpson:
Santa's Little Helper! Santa's Little Helper!

Lisa Simpson:
I love that dog, but that is one long, stupid name.

Bart Simpson:
Your stories have endings now?

Grampa:
Yup, ever since they started putting something in the jello at the home.

Homer Simpson:
[Playing Villageville] Time to get a snack, but first, should I introduce the bubonic plague? Eh, what could be the harm? [Selects "yes"] Oh, now I have to buy a corpse wagon.

Nigel Baker-Butcher:
[as Homer and Ned Flanders destroy all the surveilance cameras in Springfield] Thus ends the most popular reality television show in Britain.

Queen Elizabeth:
[Cut to the throneroom of Buckingham Palace, where it is revealed the footage from the Springfield surveilance cameras has been streamed over to England as a reality TV show. Her majesty watches as the transmission is cut] Well, too bad. Although I will miss that Ralph Wiggum child. He reminds me of my boy.

Prince Charles:
[Prince Charles walks in holding a cat sitting on a cushion] Mummy, my cat's breath smells like cat food.

Smithers:
Sir, that nuclear waste concealment unit that was supposed to last a thousand years is full.

Mr. Burns:
Hmmm. Have you tried stamping it down?

Smithers:
It just popped up in another place. We need a place to get rid of this plutonium.

Mr. Burns:
Just pick the biggest idiot in the plant and put the plutonium in his bag. [Sees Homer and his new Duff bag through the surveilance cameras] That's a bingo.

Nelson Muntz:
Haw-haw! You're a spaz!

Lisa Simpson:
That's not true. First of all, Milhouse only fell because you tripped him. Secondly, spaz is short for spastic diplegia, someone who suffers from a serious medical condition. And thirdly, your Haw-haw, by overuse, has lost its power.

Nelson Muntz:
Wow. I bow before your logic.

Ms. Dubinsky:
We'd like you to join our debate team.

Lisa Simpson:
We have a debate team?

Ms. Dubinsky:
It's the only extracurricular activity that doesn't require any equipment.

Principal Skinner:
Because of budget cuts, we had to improvise. Ralph Wiggum will be your lectern.

Ralph Wiggum:
I'm a furniture.

Ned Flanders:
Isn't this great? We're like a Jiminy Cricket for the entire town. A half-man, half-bug that knows what's best for everybody.

Homer Simpson:
Your nagging has sent all our misbehavior into one small spot, a shining diamond of evil.

Ned Flanders:
I guess I did create this, just as God created the Devil.

Homer Simpson:
God created the Devil? Finally, He created something cool.

Ned Flanders:
I didn't mean to be Big Brother. I just wanted to be little sister, trying to make everyone behave.

Homer Simpson:
Well, if you ask me, what you did was playing God.

Ned Flanders:
Playing God? But that's the worst kind of sin, for some reason.

Mayor Quimby:
All of those in favor of the cameras say "cheese".

All:
Cheese!

Mayor Quimby:
All opposed, say "I hate America".

Lisa Simpson:
I... wait... Oh, what's the use?

Mayor Quimby:
Now on to the next item, the proposal for putting term limits on public office. All those in favor say "I have sex with animals".

Cletus Spuckler:
I do have sex with animals, but I'm not in favor of term limits.

Krusty:
Did you hear about the blonde who tried to make ice? She forgot the recipe! How come you don't see many blonde snowwomen? It takes too much time to hollow out the head!

Bart Simpson:
[laughing] He sure got you pegged, blondie.

Lisa Simpson:
You're blond too, you know.

Bart Simpson:
Blond boys aren't dumb, they're evil, like in Karate Kid or World War II.

Ned Flanders:
I'm going from lookie-loo to talkie-too.

Kent Brockman:
The explosion released enough radiation to create 17 Hulks and one Spider-Man, according to this artist rendering. [Shows picture of the Hulks playing baseball with Spider-Man as pitcher] Truly disturbing.

Dr. Hibbert:
[sees Homer strangling Bart ] So that's why Bart has all these broken Tracheal bones. Tight Bowtie, My ass!

Homer Simpson:
Good news, everyone! I got in a fight with the garbage men and they're cutting off our service!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, lord, now what are we going to do? Just let the trash pile up?

Homer Simpson:
Hey, I'd rather live in a dump than in a world run by snooty garbage men.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, is this another one of those situations that could be solved by a simple apology?

Homer Simpson:
I never apologize, Lisa. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, that crazy lady who lives in our trash pile attacked me again.

Homer Simpson:
That's not the way she tells it.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, this has gone far enough. Will you please just apologize to the garbage men?

Lisa Simpson:
Yeah, Dad. You're always telling me and Bart to apologize.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, but I'm always secretly disappointed when you do. Anyway, I think those garbage men are starting to crack.

Bart Simpson:
I think you're starting to crack.

Homer Simpson:
Apologize for that remark!

Bart Simpson:
No way!

Homer Simpson:
Atta-boy!

Bart Simpson:
[over loud speaker] Hey everybody, vote for my dad, Homer Simpson. If you don't he'll beat us.

Homer Simpson:
[over loud speaker] Why you little... er... No one's gonna beat you, son. [under his breath, but still audible] You're gonna get such a beating!

Homer Simpson:
Hey Ray, cleaning out the old office, eh?

Ray Patterson:
If I hadn't already packed my letter opener, I'd give you such a stabbing!

Costingtons Manager:
Okay, people, we need to cook up a new holiday for the summer. Something with gifts, cards, assorted gougeables.

Costingtons Woman:
How about something religious? We had great penetration last spring with Christmas Two.

Costingtons Man:
Oh, I know. Spendover, like Passover, less talk, more presents. [Everyone starts talking at once]

Costingtons Manager:
No, no, no! No, it's gotta be warm and fuzzy. Some like, um, "Love Day", but not so lame. [cut to the Simpsons home several days later]

Marge Simpson:
Happy Love Day, everyone!

Lisa Simpson:
Come on, Mom, The stores just invented this holiday to make money.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, don't you ruin another Love Day.

TV Editing Woman:
Okay. Camera two. [Homer starts pushing buttons] Uh, excuse me. This is a restricted area.

Homer Simpson:
Take a hike, Kojak! [pushes her away]

Homer Simpson:
[Trips over the rubbish bin] D'oh!

Marge Simpson:
[Calling from upstairs] I heard that! You know the rule!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, but I can rebuild.

Ned Flanders:
[Tiptoeing over the Simpsons' rubbish pile] Easy, Ned. Don't Breath in. [Some rubbish falls on his head] Ow!

Homer Simpson:
Sorry, Ned. I didn't see you down there.

Homer Simpson:
[to Bart] Got him.

Ned Flanders:
Uh, listen, Homer, I hate to be a Fussy Freddy and all, but Maude's folks are here, and they're a tad touchy about oders.

Homer Simpson:
Then you might want to close your windows before the sun hits Diaper Hill.

Rod Flanders:
[standing on top of a huge pile of used diapers] Look, Daddy. I'm the king of the mountain!

Ned Flanders:
Rod, get off of there!

Native American-Indian #1:
Do yourself a favour. Don't turn around. [camera pans across to show the old Spingfield as a huge land of rubbish and waste]

Native American-Indian #2:
[off-screen] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Native American-Indian #1:
[off-screen] I told you not to turn around.

Ray Patterson:
Here's your apology back, Mr Simpson, and I'm sorry we couldn't work this out.

Homer Simpson:
Don't come off all high and mighty with me, Patterson. You can't scare me with your office and your desk and your lamp.

Ray Patterson:
I'm not trying to scare you, I'm trying to get my work done.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, oh, oh, I get it. Put on a big show for the cameras.

Ray Patterson:
What cameras? Why are you still here?

Homer Simpson:
I came to fight city hall. I want to shake things up, Patterson. Stir up some controversy, rattle a few cages. [Homer rattles a bird cage]

Ray Patterson:
Hey! Stop that!

Homer Simpson:
You'll never silence me. I'm the last angry man, Patterson. A crusader for the little guy! [Homer rattles the bird cage again]

Ray Patterson:
Leave the bird alone!

Homer Simpson:
Never!

Ray Patterson:
Look, Simpson, I've been elected by the voters of this city 16 years in a row. So they must think I'm doing a damn good job.

Homer Simpson:
You wanna know what I think?

Ray Patterson:
No! Nobody wants to hear the nonsensical ravings of a loudmouthed malcontent!

Homer Simpson:
Oh! Well, we'll see about that!

Homer Simpson:
[Pushes in front of a queue] I wanna register to run for sanitation commissioner. And tell the fat cats upstairs things are gonna change in this town.

Clerk:
Okay, but this is where you register as a sex offender.

Moe:
[Arriving at the back of the queue] Oh, jeez, there's always a line.

Homer Simpson:
[At a town meeting] I'm sorry my opponent didn't think enough of you to show up for this debate. I'm sure he had more important things to do. [Homer imitates Patterson drinking, everyone laughs]

Ray Patterson:
Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but it's so gratifying to... leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.

Moe:
He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Bono:
Hold on folks. The man's talking about waste management, that effects the whole damn planet!

The Edge:
Aw, here we go.

[to Larry]

The Edge:
What do you say we slip out to Moe's for a pint?

Adam Clayton:
Can I come?

The Edge:
No.

Adam Clayton:
Wankers.

Bono:
[after Homer invades U2's Pop-Mart concert] Wait, people. He's talking about waste management, that affects the whole damn planet!

The Edge:
Awww, here he goes! Anyone fancy going to Moe's for a pint?

Adam Clayton:
Can I come?

The Edge:
[looks at Larry Mullen Jnr] No!

Adam Clayton:
[whispers] Wankers!

[Edge and Larry turn around, and Adam pretends to be tuning his bass guitar]

Homer:
It's like David and Goliath, only this time David won.

[Lisa sighs]

Lisa's Brain:
I know, I heard it too. Here's some music.

[Piano music plays quietly. Lisa smiles contentedly]

Ray Patterson:
Oh gosh. You know, I'm not much on speeches, but, it's so gratifying to leave you wallowing in the mess you've made. You're screwed, thank you, bye.

Moe:
He's right. He ain't much on speeches.

Townspeople:
Aye!

Mayor Quimby:
And all those against horsewhipping Homer J. Simpson?

Homer:
Nay?

Narrator:
Quoth the raven...

Bart:
Eat my shorts!

Homer:
D'oh!

The House:
You will diiiiieeeee. You will die slowwwwwwwly. Your stomach will swelllllllll, your intestines will wriiiithe and booooil. Your eeeeeyes will buuuuurst. And some horrible stuuuuuuuff, possibly your braiiiiin, will start coming out through your noooooooose.

[Homer calls the real estate agent in a rage after finding an Indian burial ground in the basement]

Homer:
Mr. Pote, Homer Simpson here. When you sold me this house, you forgot to mention one little thing. You didn't tell me it was built on an Indian burial ground! [pause] NO, YOU DIDN'T! [pause] Well, that's not my recollection. [pause] Uh-huh... okay, well all right. Good-bye. [hangs up the phone and turns to Marge] He says he mentioned it five or six times.

The House:
They are all against you Bart, you must kill them all, they all must die!

Bart:
Are you my conscience?

The House:
Um... I, Yes I am

Lisa Simpson:
[about the basement of the house] Mom, dad, look! It's an ancient Indian burial ground.

Bart:
Man, this place's got everything!

[Homer yelps as Smithers and Mr. Burns drag him through a cemetary in a bag]

Smithers:
Listen, sir! Did you hear that?

Mr. Burns:
[mockingly] No I didn't! What was it? Frankenstein? The booger man?

Smithers:
It's the man in the bag, sir! I think he's alive.

Mr. Burns:
Oh.

[beats Homer with shovel]

Mr. Burns:
Bad corpse! Bad corpse! Stop... scaring... Smithers! Satisfied?

Smithers:
Thank you, sir.

[Mr. Burns has put Homer's brain into a robot]

Mr. Burns:
Oh, Smithers, I was wrong to play God. Life is precious, not a thing to be toyed with. Now take out that brain and flush it down the toilet!

[Homer answers the door to Jimbo and Kearney]

Jimbo, Kearney:
Trick-or-treat, man!

Homer Simpson:
Hey, aren't you a little old for this? You're not even wearing costumes!

Kearney:
Hand over the candy, old dude, or we egg your house back to the Stone Age!

[Jimbo opens a carton. Homer tips the whole bowl into Kearney's sack]

Homer Simpson:
Here you go, kids. Heh-heh...

[closes the door]

Homer Simpson:
Lousy punks...

[He heads back to the living room, then comes the sound of eggs hitting the door]

Homer Simpson:
D'OH!

[Bart and Lisa come back from trick-or-treating; Bart is dressed as an executioner, Lisa as a large totem pole]

Bart Simpson:
Would have gotten even more if Lisa could walk faster!

Lisa Simpson:
I didn't select this costume for mobility. I wore it to salute the noble Native Americans of the Pacific Northwest...

[Barts pokes her. She tips over with a yell]

Bart Simpson:
Ha-ha-ha!

Lisa:
[takes the monkey's paw] I wish for world peace.

[a finger on the paw closes]

Homer:
Lisa, that was very selfish of you.

[after picking up the phone]

Moe:
Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check.

[to the bar]

Moe:
Hey, everybody. I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells, and I like to kiss my own butt.

[the bar laughs]

Moe:
Oh, wait a minute.

Mr. Burns:
[Mr. Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot] Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.

Smithers:
Ice-cream scoop?

Mr. Burns:
Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery! [Mr. Burns removes Homer's brain, then puts it atop his own head] Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

Homer Simpson:
[Mr. Burns performs a lobotomy on Homer without anesthesia] Ow. Ow! OW!

Mr. Burns:
Quit complaining! This way I don't have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you clinking, clattering cacophany of colligenous cog and camshifts, take that! [Mr. Burns kicks the robot, which tips and looms over him]

Smithers:
Run Sir! [the robot lands on Mr. Burns, crushing him save for his head]

Mr. Burns:
Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... loss of appetite... Smithers, I'm going to die.

Smithers:
No sir! Is there anything I can do?

Mr. Burns:
We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer... there is some ether...

Homer Simpson:
[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him] Aaaaaaaah!

Mr. Burns:
Perhaps you're wondering why you have two heads. Well my body was crushed, so my head was grafted onto your, shall we say, ample frame.

Homer Simpson:
[hyperventilating] I didn't wake up! It's all a dream! It's just a dream!

Mr. Burns:
Oh that's right! It's all a dream! Or is it? [laughs evilly]

[last lines]

[Screen fades to black as creepy music plays, then the scene resumes with the normal Simpsons' music; looking like a canonical episode]

Narrator:
Next week, on "The Simpsons".

Lisa Simpson:
Don't forget Dad, tonight my class is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer:
Mmm... spaghetti.

Mr. Burns:
But Homer, tonight's our meeting for Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

Homer:
DOH! I hate having two heads!

[Homer awakens with a scream]

Marge Simpson:
Did you have a nightmare, Homey?

Homer Simpson:
No, Bart bit me!

Bart Simpson:
Hey man, you were crushing me! I tried to scream, but my mouth was full of flab.

[Krusty does a Halloween show, reading off cue cards]

Krusty the Clown:
Tonight I'm going to suck...

[waits for second cue card]

Krusty the Clown:
...your blood.

Shopkeeper:
[Homer has agreed to purchase a Krusty doll for Bart's birthday] Take this object, but beware it carries a terrible curse!

Homer:
Ooh, that's bad.

Shopkeeper:
But it comes with a free frogurt!

Homer:
That's good.

Shopkeeper:
The frogurt is also cursed.

Homer:
That's bad.

Shopkeeper:
But you get your choice of toppings.

Homer:
That's good!

Shopkeeper:
The toppings contain potassium benzoate.

[Homer looks puzzled]

Shopkeeper:
...That's bad.

Homer:
Can I go now?

Homer:
[singing] My baloney has a first name, it's H-O-M-E-R, my baloney has a second name, it's H-O-M-E-R.

Marge:
Homer, did you call the audience "chicken"?

Homer:
No. I swear on this Bible.

Marge:
That's not a Bible. That's a book of carpet samples.

Homer:
Ooh... fuzzy.

Lisa:
Dad, we did something very bad!

Homer:
Did you wreck the car?

Bart:
No.

Homer:
Did you raise the dead?

Lisa:
Yes.

Homer:
But the car's okay?

Lisa, Bart:
Uh-huh.

Homer:
All right then.

Homer:
[c*cks a shotgun] To the book depository!

Homer Simpson:
That doll tried to kill me!

Bart Simpson:
I'd say the pressure has finally gotten to Dad, but what pressure?

Lenny:
Hey Homer, cut it out! Come on! Quit eatin' me!

Barney:
Wow! Look at the size of that platform!

Mr. Burns:
[Taking Marge on an expedition] What do you think, Smithers?

Smithers:
I think women and sea-men don't mix.

Mr. Burns:
We know what you think.

[Flanders, a zombie, approaches Homer]

Ned Flanders:
Hey, Simpson. I'm feeling a might peckish. Mind if I chew your ear?

[Homer kills Flanders by blasting his head apart with a shotgun]

Bart:
Dad! You killed the zombie Flanders.

Homer:
He was a zombie?

[Homer has given Bart a "cursed" Krusty doll]

Grampa:
That doll is evil, I tells ya! Evil! EEEE-VIL!

Marge:
Grampa, you said that about all the presents.

Grampa:
I just want attention.

[while fighting zombies]

Barney:
Wow, George Washington!

Homer:
Take that, Washington!

[BLAM!]

Homer:
Eat lead, Einstein!

[BLAM!]

Homer:
Show's over, Shakespeare!

[clubs him to the ground]

Zombie Shakespeare:
Is this the end of Zombie Shakespeare?

Homer:
[a la Alfred Hitchcock] Good eeevening. [normal voice] I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary. You see, there are some crybabies out there - religious types, mostly - who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your TV now. Come on, I dare you! [imitates chicken] Buck-buck-buck-buck! Chicken! [screen winks out]

Marge:
Well, I'm sure glad we didn't turn into mindless zombies.

Bart:
Shhh... TV.

Homer:
[thud sound on TV] Man fall down... funny.

Marge:
Homer! Did you barricade the door?

Homer:
Why? Oh, the zombies! No.

[zombies enter]

Carl:
Hey, I hear we're going to Ape Island.

Lenny:
Yeah, to capture a giant ape. I wish we were going to Candy Apple Island.

Charlie:
Candy Apple Island? What do they got there?

Carl:
Apes, but they're not so big.

[off the coast of Ape Island, hearing the natives chant, "Homer, Homer, Homer"]

Otto:
Hey, who's this Homer dude?

Mr. Burns:
He's either a 50-foot prehistoric ape, or a tourist trap concocted by the Ape Island jaycees. Either way, we're going ashore.

Homer:
Do you sell toys?

Shopkeeper:
We sell forbidden objects from places men fear to tread... we also sell frozen yogurt, which I call "frogurt"!

[after Homer runs, screaming and naked, through the kitchen]

Patty Bouvier:
There goes the last lingering threat of my heterosexuality.

Mr. Burns:
Damn it, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

[a headless zombie enters the Simpson home, groaning. All the party-goers scream... then Ned Flanders's head pops out of the zombie's neck]

Ned Flanders:
Hi, fellow Halloweenies! Did I scarededly-dare you?

Grampa:
[gasping, clutching his heart] Ah... gol-durn it!

Bart:
Nice try, Mr. Flanders, but I've got a story so scary, you'll wet your pants.

Grampa:
Too late.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, Mr. Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!

Montgomery Burns:
Why, Bart's right here!

Bart Simpson:
Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Lisa! You and your stories! "Dad, Bart is a vampire." "Beer kills brain cells." Now, let's get back to that... building thingy... where our beds and T.V... is.

Ned Flanders:
Now remember, the instant you finish it, I own your soul for...

[Homer has already scarfed the donut]

Homer:
Hey, wait. If I don't finish this last bite, you don't get my soul, do you?

Ned Flanders:
Well, technically no, but...

Homer:
I'm smarter than the Devil! I'm smarter than the Dev-!

[Flanders turns into a huge demon]

Ned Flanders:
You are not smarter than me! I'll see you in hell yet, Homer Simpson!

Homer:
Mmmm... forbidden donut.

[Lisa takes a sip from her chalice and gasps]

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, this is blood!

Homer Simpson:
Correction: FREE blood.

[guzzles it down and sighs]

Bart Simpson:
Our final painting is the most horrible of all. To even gaze upon it is to go mad...

Homer Simpson:
AH! They're dogs! And they're playing poker! AHHHH!

[Homer begins laughing hysterically, and runs away shrieking]

Bart Simpson:
Paintings... lifeless images rendered in colorful goop. But at night, they take on a life of their own. They become portals to Hell so scary and horrible and gruesome that...!

Marge Simpson:
Bart! You should warn people that this episode is very frightening. Maybe they'd rather listen to that old "War of the Worlds" broadcast on NPR, hmm?

Bart Simpson:
Yes, Mother.

Lisa Simpson:
Grampa's a vampire?

Bart Simpson:
We're all vampires.

[Bart, Homer, Marge, and Maggie all float into the air, baring their fangs as Lisa backs away in horror]

Lisa Simpson:
But... no! We killed Mr. Burns!

Homer Simpson:
You have to kill the *head* vampire?

Lisa Simpson:
[gasp] You're the head vampire?

Marge Simpson:
No, *I'm* the head vampire!

[She laughs demonically]

Lisa Simpson:
Mom?

Marge Simpson:
[normal voice] Well, I do have a life outside this house, you know.

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, do you notice anything strange?

Homer Simpson:
Yeah, his hairdo looks so queer.

Montgomery Burns:
I heard that!

Homer Simpson:
[quickly points to Bart] It was the boy!

Montgomery Burns:
[welcoming the Simpsons via intercom at the front door] Welcome! Please come in... [sinisterly] Ah, fresh victims for my ever growing army of the undead.

Waylon Smithers:
Sir, you have to let go of the button.

Montgomery Burns:
Oh, son of a bi- [door opens]

Homer Simpson:
[reading a note] "Dear Homer, I.O.U. one emergency donut. Signed, Homer." Bastard! He's always one step ahead!

[Homer is trapped in Hell for the day]

Demonic Torturer:
So, you like donuts, eh?

Homer Simpson:
Um-hmm.

Demonic Torturer:
Well, have all the donuts in the world!

[the Demonic Torturer cackles while a machine stuffs Homer's mouth full of donuts. Dissolve to several hours later, the Demonic Torturer is baffled as Homer, whose body has gained a few extra hundred pounds, continues to eat and eat]

Homer Simpson:
More!

Demonic Torturer:
I don't understand it. James Coco went mad in fifteen minutes!

Grampa Simpson:
[runs into the room with a hammer and a wooden stake] Quick! We have to kill the boy!

Marge Simpson:
How'd you know he was a vampire?

Grampa Simpson:
He's a vampire? AHHH! [runs off]

Principal Skinner:
Hello, Simpson. I'm riding the bus today because Mother hid my car keys to punish me for talking to a woman on the phone. She was right to do it.

[Marge has to find seats for the Jury of the Damned]

Marge:
I'm sorry, Mr. Blackbeard. We're low on chairs and this is the last one.

Blackbeard:
Arrr! This chair be high, says I.

Lionel Hutz:
Very well, but first some ground rules. Number one, we get bathroom breaks every half hour.

Ned Flanders:
Agreed! Number two, the jury will be chosen by me!

Lionel Hutz:
Agreed... no, wait...

Ned Flanders:
Silence!

Ned Flanders:
I give you the jury of the damned. Benedict Arnold, Lizzie Borden, Richard Nixon...

Richard Nixon:
But I'm not dead yet. In fact, I just wrote an article for Redbook.

Ned Flanders:
Hey listen, I did a favor for you!

Richard Nixon:
Yes, Master.

Ned Flanders:
John Wilkes Booth, Blackbeard the Pirate, John Dillinger, and the starting line of the 1976 Philadelphia Flyers.

Lionel Hutz:
Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I saw an episode of Matlock in a bar last night. The sound was down, but I think I got the gist of it.

[watching Homer selling his soul to the devil on a monitor]

Mr. Burns:
Hmm... who's that goat-legged fellow? I like the cut of his jib.

Smithers:
Er, Prince of Darkness, sir. He's your eleven o'clock.

Principal Skinner:
I have caught word that a child is using his imagination and I've come to put a stop to it.

Kent Brockman:
Another local peasant has been found dead, drained of his blood with two teeth marks on his throat. This black cape was found on the scene.

[the cape says "DRACULA."]

Kent Brockman:
Police are baffled.

Lisa:
No, no, they're wrong! The creature they seek is the walking undead! Nosferatu!

[the rest stare at her blankly]

Lisa:
A vampire!

Homer:
[Chuckles] Lisa, vampires are make-believe, just like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.

Bart:
Come join us, Lisa, it's so cool. You get to stay up all night drinking blood.

Milhouse:
And if you say you're a vampire, you get a free small soda at the movies.

Homer:
Oh, I'd sell my soul for a donut.

Ned Flanders:
Well, that can be arranged.

Homer:
What? Flanders. You're the devil?

Ned Flanders:
Ho-ho, it's always the one you least suspect.

Marge:
Wait! Before you send him to hell, there's something you should see. That's a photo of Homer and I at our wedding.

Richard Nixon:
Wait a minute. You got married in an emergency room?

Marge:
Well, Homer ate the entire wedding cake by himself... before the wedding.

[the Jury of the Damned all laugh]

Marge:
Read the back, the back.

Blackbeard:
Arrr! 'Tis some sort of treasure map.

Benedict Arnold:
[snatches it away] You idiot, you can't read!

Blackbeard:
Aye, 'tis true. My debauchery was my way of compensatin'.

Marge:
Bart, stop pestering Satan.

Homer:
Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?

[Bart awakens from a nightmare, and notices his sheets are wet]

Bart Simpson:
Ewww... I hope this is sweat.

Bart Simpson:
Milhouse, quick! Look out the window!

Milhouse:
Oh no, Bart. I never look out the window of a bus! If I do, I leave myself open to wedgies, wet willies, or even the dreaded rear admiral!

Lisa:
You must drive this stake right through his heart.

Homer:
Take that, vile fiend!

[pounds the stake]

Lisa:
Uh, Dad? That's his crotch.

Homer:
[reading] "Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut. Signed, Homer."

[crumbles up paper]

Homer:
Bastard. He's always one step ahead.

[Homer is on trial in the court of "Infernal Affairs"]

Lionel Hutz:
Mrs. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night, the sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

[Flanders opens a hole in the floor to Hell, but Homer gets stuck in it]

Ned Flanders:
Your wide behind won't save you this time.

[Bart is hanging out the window of the school bus. Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie are trying to pull him back in]

Principal Skinner:
Pull, Willie!

Groundskeeper Willie:
I'm doin' all the pullin', you blouse-wearing poodle-walker!

Marge Simpson:
[Homer's Head is turned into a huge donut, and is eating it] Homer, stop picking at it.

Homer Simpson:
But, I'm so sweet and tasty.

[Looks at his watch]

Homer Simpson:
Well, time to go to work.

Lisa Simpson:
[Getting in Homer's way] No dad. I wouln't go outside if I were you.

Chief Wiggum:
[With the rest of Springfield's police force waiting outside of the Simpson's home with their coffee mugs] Don't worry, boys, he's gotta come outta there sometime.

Lionel Hutz:
Well, I didn't win. Here's your pizza.

Marge:
But we did win.

Lionel Hutz:
That's okay. The box is empty.

Bart Simpson:
[sees the gremlin eating away at the school bus] Otto, you've got to do something. There's a gremlin on the side of the bus!

[Otto looks out the window. Alongside the bus is an AMC Gremlin being driven by Hans Moleman]

Otto:
No problem, Bart dude. I'll get rid of it

[runs Moleman off the road]

Hans Moleman:
Oh no, I just made my last payment.

[the car comes to a stop, tapping lightly against a tree. Hans sighs in relief, before the car bursts into flames]

Homer Simpson:
It sure was nice of Mr Burns to invite us for a midnight dinner at his country house in... [ominously] Pennsylvania.

Ned Flanders:
I have here a contract between me and one Homer Simpson, pledging me his eternal soul in exchange for a donut, which I delivered. And it was scrum-diddly-umptious!

Ned Flanders:
Careful, hot pen!

Ned Flanders:
Well, well. Finishing something?

Marge Simpson:
[after the aliens left] Suckers!

Homer Simpson:
[to Maggie] Come on Maggie. Let's go home.

Maggie:
[removes pacifier] Very well, I'll drive! [laughs] I need blood.

[couch gag]

Freddy Krueger:
I don't get it. They should be here by now.

Jason Voorhees:
Ah, what are you gonna do?

Krusty the Clown:
[dressed as a vampire] Hey, hey. [reads cue card] Tonight I'm going to suck! [next cue card] Your blood.

[Homer is dressed in tattered clothes, and eating beans from a can]

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Homer you're not going as a hobo again?

Homer Simpson:
Going where?

Homer Simpson:
Mama took those batteries / She took them away / Mama took those batteries / Size double-A!

Bart Simpson:
Hey Lis, we're characters in a cartoon!

Lisa Simpson:
How humiliating.

Lady in Audience:
Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.

Jerry Springer:
Homer.

Lady in Audience:
Nah, the green dude.

Kent Brockman:
[grim]... and the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. [brightens] On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.

Chief Wiggum:
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for the murders of Moe Syzslak and Apu Nahassa... passa... well, just Moe, just Moe.

Lisa Simpson:
[pushes his food away] I just lost my appetite.

Lisa Simpson:
[pushes her food away] Me, too.

Homer Simpson:
[grabs Lisa's food] Wait, mine came back!

Kang:
Oh, you look lovely this evening. Have you decreased in mass?

Marge Simpson:
Wow! If your fly weren't open, you'd look just like Roger Moore!

Homer Simpson:
[after he pulls Maggie's legs off] Look, Marge! Maggie lost her baby legs!

Announcer:
We'll return after How Dracula Got His Groove Back!

Marge Simpson:
[as the Jerry Springer show goes to commercial] I am so [Bleep] embarrassed!

Marge Simpson:
I can't believe it. Jerry Springer couldn't solve our problem.

Lisa Simpson:
And now he's dead.

[Kodos and Kang appear at The Simpsons' door]

Homer:
Oh no, Mormons!

Kang:
Actually, we're Quantum Presbyterians.

Chief Wiggum:
At this time we have no leads but I can safely say that Apu didn't suffer.

Lou:
It looks like he suffered to me chief.

Chief Wiggum:
Aw jeeze Lou. How long were you planning on letting me drink this stuff?

[Bart and Lisa have been zapped inside the TV, and are being chased by Itchy and Scratchy when Homer changes the channel to "Regis & Kathie Lee"]

Kathie Lee:
[cooking soup] OK, now we add salt.

[Bart and Lisa fall into the soup, splashing it]

Regis:
OW! My eyes! My eyes! Oh, God! My beautiful eyes!

[Itchy and Scratchy fall in, also splashing]

Kathie Lee:
That's it! I'm going home. Dom DeLuise can interview himself.

Regis:
My eyes!

Kang:
Holy fleurking schnit!

Marge:
Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.

Homer:
You intergalactic hussy.

[cries]

Homer:
Was he better than me?

[after being transported into the "Itchy & Scratchy Show"]

Bart:
Lise, look. We're characters in a cartoon show.

Lisa:
How humiliating.

Scratchy:
Hey you're beautiful.

Marge:
Aww. Look who's found a new love. That means you'll have to be neutered.

Scratchy:
[grabbing himself] NOOOOOOO!

Homer Simpson:
[chops down a door a la The Shining] Heeeeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

[there's no one in the room]

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

[chops down another door]

Homer Simpson:
Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaavid Letterman!

Grandpa Simpson:
Hi, David, I'm Grampa.

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

[chops down another door and holds a stopwatch]

Homer Simpson:
I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley. All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!

Marge Simpson, Bart Simpson, Lisa Simpson:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!

Bart Simpson:
Hey! I found a shortcut through your hedge maze.

Groundskeeper Willy:
Why you little...

[thinking]

Groundskeeper Willy:
No, no, go easy on the wee one. His father's going to go crazy and chop 'em all into haggis!

Bart Simpson:
What's haggis?

Groundskeeper Willy:
[gasps] Boy... you read my thoughts! You've got the Shinning.

Bart Simpson:
You mean "Shining".

Groundskeeper Willy:
[sotto voce] Shh! You want to get sued? Now look, boy: if your Dad goes gaga, you just use that... Shin of yours to call me and I'll come a running. But don't be reading my mind between four and five. That's Willy's time!

Homer Simpson:
Well, what do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I was thinking along the lines of... No TV and no beer make Homer something, something.

Marge:
Go crazy?

Homer Simpson:
Don't mind if I do!

[goes crazy]

Groundskeeper Willy:
[after being hacked in the back with an axe for the third time in the third act] Oh, I'm bad at this.

[falls down dead]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I wish, I wish I hadn't killed that fish.

[Marge drags an unconscious Homer into the cellar]

Marge Simpson:
You stay here until you're no longer insane!

[turns to the shelves]

Marge Simpson:
Hmm, chili would be good tonight.

Montgomery Burns:
Yes, by cutting off cable TV, and the beer supply, I'll be able to ensure an honest winter's work out of those low-lifes...

Smithers:
Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?

Montgomery Burns:
Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke.

[a ghostly Moe appears in the hotel's bar]

Moe Szyslak:
So, what'll it be, Homer?

Homer Simpson:
Moe, gimme a beer!

Moe Szyslak:
No. Not unless you kill your family.

Homer Simpson:
Why should I kill my family?

Moe Szyslak:
Uh, they'd be much happier as ghosts.

Homer Simpson:
You don't look so happy.

Moe Szyslak:
Oh, I'm happy! I'm very happy! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! See? Now waste your family, I'll give you a beer!

[Marge enters a large room, with a typewriter in the middle]

Marge Simpson:
Homer? Homer?

[sees the typewriter]

Marge Simpson:
What he's typed will be a window into his madness.

[approaches the typewriter and reads:
]

Marge Simpson:
"Feelin' fine." Well, that's a relief.

[Lightning flashes and illuminates the room, showing "NO TV AND NO BEER MAKE HOMER GO CRAZY" scrawled again and again all over the walls in wild letters]

Marge Simpson:
Mmm... this is less encouraging.

Montgomery Burns:
That's odd. Usually the blood gets off at the second floor.

Marge:
[Bart awakens from a nightmare] Relax, honey. You were just having a crazy nightmare. You're back home with your family now, where there's nothing to be afraid of... except that fog that turns people inside out.

Bart:
Huh?

Homer:
[the fog starts coming in] Uh-oh, it's seeping in. STUPID CHEAP WEATHER STRIPPING!

[everyone screams as the fog turns them inside out; then they stop screaming, looking at each other. Music plays, and they start dancing and singing]

Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa:
One chorus line of people, dancing till they make us stop!

Groundskeeper Willie:
[Willy, also turned inside out, jumps on stage] Too...!

Marge, Bart, Homer, Lisa, Groundskeeper Willie:
Many dancing people, covered in blood, gore, and glop!/Just one sniff of that fog and you're inside out!/It's worse than that flesh-eating virus you've read about!/Vital organs, they are what we're dressed in, the family dog is eyeing Bart's intestine!/Happy Halloween!

Marge:
[on radio] Husband on murderous rampage. Send help. Over.

Chief Wiggum:
Whew, thank God that's over. I was worried for a little bit.

Homer:
I've gone back in time to when dinosaurs weren't just confined to zoos.

Principal Skinner:
I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by eating your shorts.

Mr. Burns:
This house has quite a long and colorful history. It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground, and was the setting of Satanic rituals, witch-burnings, and five John Denver Christmas specials.

Homer:
[shudders] Oh... John Denver.

Moe:
Homer, it's Moe. Uh, look, some of the ghouls and I are a little concerned the project isn't moving forward.

Homer Simpson:
Can't murder now, eating.

Moe:
Oh, for crying out loud. Come on!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, look!

[holds TV up]

Homer Simpson:
Television! Teacher, mother...

Homer Simpson:
[lustily]... secret lover. Urge to kill... fading... fading... fading - rising! Fading... fading... gone.

[family sighs]

Homer Simpson:
Come, family. sit in the snow with daddy and let us all bask in TV's warm glowing warming glow.

[Hours later, everyone is frozen]

man introducing Tony Awards:
[on TV] Live, from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your hosts Tyne Daly and Hal Linden!

Bart Simpson:
[with difficulty] Homer... change channel.

Homer Simpson:
Can't! Frozen!

[music on TV:
"One chorus line of people...?]

[family screams]

Homer Simpson:
Urge to kill... rising...

Lisa:
Bart, does it strike you as odd that Uter disappeared and suddenly they're serving us this mysterious food called "Uterbraten"?

Principal Skinner:
Oh relax kids, I've got a gut feeling Uter's around here somewhere hahahahaha, after all isn't there a little Uter in all of us? hahahaha... hahaha, in fact, you might even say we just ate Uter, and he's in our stomachs... right now! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!... Wait, scratch that one.

Groundskeeper Willy:
You're still not in your own world, Homer. You can have the house, but you have to do exactly as I... [Gets killed by Maggie who hits him with an axe]

Maggie Simpson:
This is indeed a disturbing universe.

Homer Simpson:
[after using a time-traveling toaster, Homer suddenly finds himself in the dinosaur era] Okay, don't panic! Remember the advice Dad gave you on your wedding day.

Grandpa Simpson:
[Flashback of younger Grampa in a tuxedo] If you ever travel back in time, don't step on anything. Because even the slightest change can alter the future in ways you can't imagine.

Homer Simpson:
[Homer is falling through a time warp filled with clocks] Wow! I'm the first non-Brazillian person to travel backwards through time!

Mr. Peabody:
[Mr. Peabody and Sherman, the time traveling duo from the Rocky & Bullwinkle show, float past] Correction, Homer, you're the second.

Sherman:
That's right, Mr. Peabody.

Mr. Peabody:
Quiet, you!

Kang:
[Homer keeps carelessly distorting the time line, trying to get back to his own universe. Kang and Kodos the aliens watch from space as Homer's meddling causes 742 Evergreen Terrace to repeatedly change from one bizzarre form to another] Foolish earthling! Totally unprepared for the effects of time travel!

[They both laugh]

Kang:
[Suddenly, one of the changes Homer makes to the timeline causes Kang and Kodos's bodies to transform to those of Sherman and Mr. Peabody] What happened to us, Kodos?

Mr. Peabody:
Quiet, you!

Principal Skinner:
Children, I couldn't help monitoring your conversation. There's no mystery about Willy. Why, he simply disappeared. Now, let's have no more curiosity about this bizarre cover-up.

Homer Simpson:
[after putting his finger through the wall] That's weird, it's like something out of that twilighty show about that zone.

Homer Simpson:
This place looks expensive. I feel like I'm wasting a fortune just standing here. I better make the most of it.

[Homer burps]

[after Willie gets turned into a bagpipe spider and grabs Bart]

Bart Simpson:
Help, Lisa! Help!

Lisa Simpson:
[as she approaches Bart] Bart, you're in trouble! Wake up!

Bart Simpson:
Wait a minute... if you're here, then you've fallen asleep too!

Lisa Simpson:
I'm not asleep, I'm justing resting my eye...

Lisa Simpson:
[Willie grabs Lisa]... uh-oh! Goodbye, Bart.

Bart Simpson:
Goodbye, Lis. Hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for fifteen minutes!

[after Willie explodes into flame and screams, he becomes a skeleton]

Groundskeeper Willie:
You'll pay for this! With your children's blood!

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, right. How ya gonna get 'em, skeleton power?

Groundskeeper Willie:
I'll strike, where ya cannot protect them... In their dreams!

[last lines]

Homer Simpson:
Ooh! Erotic cakes!

[Homer walks inside a bakery]

[after Homer steps out into 3D land]

Homer Simpson:
[disembodied] Hello? Can anybody hear me?

Marge Simpson:
Homer! Where are you?

Homer Simpson:
Uh, I'm somewhere where I don't know where I am.

Marge Simpson:
Do you see towels? If you see towels, you're probably in the linen closet again.

Homer Simpson:
Just a second... no, it's a place I've never been before.

Selma:
Hmm. The shower. [laughs]

Homer Simpson:
Hey! I don't want to alarm you, Marge, but I seem to be trapped in here.

[while Bart is playing frisbee with his dog, Willie arrives at his front yard]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Glad to rake your acquaintance.

[laughs evilly]

Bart Simpson:
[Bart wakes up screaming]

Bart Simpson:
[sighs] Ohh... it was only a dream.

[Bart sees the scratches on his body and screams again]

Homer Simpson:
[from elsewhere, sounding worried] Bart! Is that you?

Bart Simpson:
Yes!

Homer Simpson:
Take out the garbage.

[Homer's father, Abraham, arrives at his house wearing a diving suit]

Abraham Simpson:
I'll save Homer! All I needs is four stout men to work the bellows.

Prof. John Frink:
No, pops, it's too risky! For all we know, there could be cubes in there the size of gorillas and other large...

Homer Simpson:
[disembodied] Help! I don't have much time.

[in his dream, Martin is dressed as a wizard]

Martin:
I am the wondrous wizard of Latin! I am a dervish of declension and a conjurer of conjugation, with a million hit points and maximum charisma.

[Martin spots a blackboard with verbs written all over it]

Martin:
Aha! "Morire": to die. "Morit": he, she, or it dies.

[Willie morphs out of the blackboard; Martin gasps]

Groundskeeper Willie:
"Moris"? You die!

Martin:
[runs off] Aah!

Groundskeeper Willie:
[laughs] You've mastered a dead tongue, but can you handle a live one?

[Willie's tongue shoots out of his mouth, wraps around Martin, and squeezes him]

[in class, Martin twists and screams, then collapses on the floor]

Nelson:
Ha ha!

Ned Flanders:
[looking for Homer] Well, as the tree said to the lumberjack, "I'm stumped."

Selma:
Huh. It's like he just disappeared into fat air.

[she and Patty laugh]

[Principal Skinner is having a meeting with parents, but burning Willie rushes into the room]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Help! Please, help me!

Principal Skinner:
Willie, don't worry! Mr. Van Houten has the floor.

Mr. Van Houten:
I, for one, would like to see the cafeteria menus in advance so parents can adjust their dinner menus accordingly. I don't like the idea of Milhouse having two spaghetti meals in one day.

[before anyone could answer, the entire class looks directly at Willie, who explodes into flame and screams]

[Homer looks at goldfish in a pond]

Homer Simpson:
Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm... unprocessed fish sticks.

[reading a sign, "Do Not Touch - Willy"]

Homer:
Do not touch Willy. Good advice.

Homer Simpson:
Ah, the Miracle Mile. Where value wears a neon sombrero and there's not a single church or library to offend the eye.

Lisa Simpson:
Hey, Springfield! Are you suffering from the heartbreak of monsteritis? Then take a tip from Mr. Paul Anka!

Paul Anka:
[singing] To stop those monsters, one, two, three / Here's a fresh new way that's trouble-free / It's got Paul Anka's guarantee...

Lisa Simpson:
Guarantee void in Tennessee.

Lisa Simpson, Paul Anka:
Just don't look! / Just don't look!...

Kent Brockman:
Even as we speak, the scourge of advertising could be heading toward your town. Lock your doors, bar your windows, because the next advertisement you see could destroy your house and eat your family.

Homer Simpson:
We'll be right back.

Marge Simpson:
Kids, it's time we told you the true story and put your fears to rest. It's a story of murder and revenge from beyond the grave. It all started on the thirteenth hour of the thirteenth day of the thirteenth month. We were there to discuss the misprinted calendars the school had purchased.

Homer Simpson:
Brrr! Oh, lousy Smarch weather.

Homer Simpson:
[Thinking] Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's Creation.

Homer Simpson:
[Speaking] Holy macaroni!

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, don't you realize what this means? The next time we fall asleep, we could die.

Abraham Simpson:
Bah! Welcome to my world.

Dr. Hibbert:
Homer, this is your physician, Dr. Julius Hibbert. Can you tell us what's it like in there?

Homer Simpson:
Um, it's like, uh... did anyone see the movie Tron?

Dr. Hibbert:
No.

Lisa Simpson:
No.

Chief Wiggum:
No.

Marge Simpson:
No.

Bart Simpson:
No.

Selma:
No.

Chief Wiggum:
No.

Reverend Lovejoy:
No.

Prof. John Frink:
No.

Chief Wiggum:
Yes. I mean, no.

Lisa Simpson:
Well, where's my dad?

Prof. John Frink:
Well, it should be clear to even the most dimwitted individual - who holds and advanced degree in hypothetical topology - that Homer Simpson has stumbled into... [Dramating lighting]... the Third Dimension!

Lisa Simpson:
[Turns light back on] Sorry.

Prof. John Frink:
Here is an ordinary square...

Chief Wiggum:
Whoa, whoa, slow down, egghead.

Prof. John Frink:
But suppose we extend the square beyond the two dimensions of our own universe along the hypothetical Z-axis there. [All gasp in astonishment] This forms the three-dimensional object known as a cube, or a frinkahedron, in honor of its discoverer.

Homer Simpson:
Help me! Are you helping me or are you going on and on?

Prof. John Frink:
Oh, yeah. And of course within we find the doomed individual.

Chief Wiggum:
Enough of your borax, Pointdexter! A man's life's at stake. We need action! [Fires gun at portal] Take that, you lousy dimension!

Homer Simpson:
Oh, no. Better ride this one out in the closet. [Opens closet door; Bart and Lisa are inside]

Lisa Simpson:
Sorry, dad. This is our spot.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, yeah? Well, it's my house, so it's my spot.

Bart Simpson:
Nu-uh, 'cause we called it.

Homer Simpson:
Did not.

Lisa Simpson:
Well, we're calling it now.

Homer Simpson:
You are?

Bart Simpson:
'Fraid so.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, they got me with their legal mumbo-jumbo.

Marge Simpson:
Bart, what happened?

Bart Simpson:
Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously optimistic.

Homer Simpson:
Craaaaaaap!

Bart:
What are you waiting for? Wreck the school. You know you wanna.

Bart:
I agree. Destory the school.

Bart:
Well, except for chubsy-ubsy over there.

Bart:
Okay, boy. Catch the frisbee.

Bart:
Good catch, boy.

Bart:
It was only a dream.

Bart:
Yes!

Bart:
And then he raked at me across the crest. and then the weirdest thing was, it was that school janitor who mysteriously disappeared! Groundkeeper willie!

Bart:
Um, we didn't mention groundkeeper willie, mom.

Bart:
You're right. The only thing left to do is go into my dream and force willie into final showdown. You stay awake. And if it looks like I'm trouble, wake me up.

Bart:
Come on, willie. I know you're out there.

Bart:
The sandbox!

Bart:
Hey, lawn boy! You missed a spot!

Bart:
Willie's gone for good. Now I can get back to my normal dreams - me and krusty winning the super bowl.

Bart:
Help! lisa, help!

Bart:
Wait a minute! If you're here, then you've fallen asleep too.

Bart:
Good-bye, lise. I hope you get reincarnated as someone who can stay awake for 15 minutes.

Bart:
Nu-uh, Because we call it.

Bart:
'fraid so.

Bart:
Uh, may I take your coat, aunt selma?

Bart:
No.

Bart:
That does it! I'm going in!

Bart:
Cool, man!

Bart:
I'll save you, dad.

Bart:
I can't get any closer. You'll have to jump.

Bart:
Well, we hit a little snag when the universe sort of collapsed on itself. But dad seemed cautiously otimistic.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh my God! I've created life!

Marge Simpson:
Lisa, breakfast! We're having waffles!

Lisa Simpson:
Ooh, waffles!

Homer Simpson:
Oh my God, space aliens! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids! Eat them!

Homer Simpson:
We think we saw Hugo at the airport, he was boarding a plane to Switzerland and... [sees Hugo] Oh.

Kang:
My name is Kang, and this is my sister Kodos.

Kodos:
[masculine voice] Hello.

Homer Simpson:
Don't blame me, I voted for Kodos.

Kang:
My fellow Americans. As a young boy, I dreamed of being a baseball; but tonight I say, we must move forward, not backward; upward, not forward; and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

Kang:
Abortions for all.

[crowd boos]

Kang:
Very well, no abortions for anyone.

[crowd boos]

Kang:
Hmm... Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others.

[crowd cheers and waves miniature flags]

Homer:
These candidates make me want to vomit in terror.

Kodos:
It's true, we are aliens. But what are you going to do about it? It's a two-party system. You have to vote for one of us.

Man 1:
He's right, this is a two-party system.

Man 2:
Well I believe I'll vote for a third-party candidate.

Kang:
Go ahead, throw your vote away.

Homer:
Please don't eat me. I have a wife and kids. Eat them.

[Kang and Kodos have taken the form of Bob Dole and Bill Clinton]

Kodos:
I am Clin-Ton. As overlord, all will kneel trembling before me and obey my brutal commands. End communication.

Marge:
That's Slick Willy for you, always with the smooth talk.

Kent Brockman:
Senator Dole, why should people vote for you?

Kang:
It does not matter which way you vote. Either way your planet is doomed. Doomed. Doomed.

Kent Brockman:
Well, a refreshing bit of candor from Senator Bob Dole.

Lisa Simpson:
[looking at the miniature civilisation Lisa created under a microscope] I've created Lutherans.

Patty:
So you've finally left Derwood?

Marge Simpson:
His name is Homer.

Lenny:
Come on, Homer we just wanna eat your skin.

Homer Simpson:
Go to hell, cloaky!

[after seen three woman burn at the stake]

Marge Simpson:
How horrible!

Lisa Simpson:
If they're really witches, why don't they use their powers to escape!

Homer Simpson:
That sounds like witch talk to me, Lisa.

Lisa Simpson:
Never mind.

Bart Simpson:
Lisa Simpson!

Lisa Simpson:
Bart, quit it!

Bart Simpson:
She put a spell on me!

[Bart pretend to be on a spell]

Bart Simpson:
Must... drop... pantaloons.

Homer Simpson:
Well, we were lucky this time. But it's all too clear that some things in this universe... aren't meant to be trifled with.

[Homer pulls up an axe]

Marge Simpson:
Homer, what are you doing?

Homer Simpson:
Something I should have done a long time ago.

[now turns on Bart with his axe]

Homer Simpson:
I'll teach you to mess with my machine!

[Bart begins screaming and running while Homer chase him]

Homer Simpson:
I'm gonna chop you good! That cost me 35 cents! You're just making it worse! I promise I won't hurt you!

[Homer grabs the candleholder]

Homer Simpson:
You want me? Come and get me!

Moe:
Get him!

Homer Simpson:
D'oh!

Homer Simpson:
Die, you chalk-faced goons!

Comic Book Guy:
[Glibly walking down sidewalk while reading comic book] But Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You're from two different worlds! [the nuclear missile closes in on him] Oohh, I've wasted my life... [mushroom cloud]

Comic Book Guy:
Stop right there! I have the only working phaser ever built. It was fired only once to keep William Shatner from making another album.

Lisa Simpson:
I still can't believe we escaped from those horrible vampires.

Homer Simpson:
But it was worth it to get back our Super Sugar Crisp cereal.

Homer Simpson:
[singing] Can't get enough of that Sugar Crisp.

Marge Simpson:
[driving] I'm having a hard time seeing. Homer, did you remember to put the fog lights in?

Homer Simpson:
[singing to the same tune] 'Cause I forgot to put the fog lights in.

[Homer and Bart are on a spaceship listening to Rosie O'Donald sing]

Bart Simpson:
Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes.

Homer Simpson:
Not fast enough!

[he presses the eject button, which sends them into space where their heads explode]

Comic Book Guy:
[Coming out of the vat of Lucite] Lucite... hardening... must... end life... Classic... Lorne... Green... death... pose... from... Battlestar... Galactica.

[Body becomes stiff]

Comic Book Guy:
Best... death... ever.

[Homer tries to gain passage on an escape rocket]

Homer:
I am the piano genius from the movie "Shine".

Guard:
And your name is...?

Homer:
Uhh... Shiney McShine.

Lucy Lawless:
I'll take you home.

[Lucy flies, carrying Bart and Lisa]

Lisa:
Hey, Xena can't fly.

Lucy Lawless:
I told you, I'm not Xena. I'm Lucy Lawless.

Homer:
The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

Homer:
Lisa, I want you to remember me just as I am right now, filled with murderous rage.

Lucy Lawless:
But I'm sure that once girls get to know the real you, you'll get plenty of dates. Next question!

Professor Frink:
Yes, over here, m-hey, m-heyven. In episode BF12, you were battling barbarians while riding a winged Appaloosa. Yet in the very next scene, my dear, you're clearly atop a winged Arabian! Please to explain it!

Lucy Lawless:
Ah, yeah. Well, whenever you notice something like that, a wizard did it.

Professor Frink:
I see, all right yes. But in episode AG4...

Lucy Lawless:
Wizard.

Professor Frink:
Ah, for glavin out loud...

Mayor Quimby:
People, please. We're all frightened and horny, but we can't let some killer dolphins keep us from living and scoring!

[the witch beats Lisa with a broom handle]

Witch:
Stop your chattering and sweep! This house is filthy!

Lisa Simpson:
So what do you care? It's not like you have friends.

Witch:
I have a boyfriend!

Bart, Lisa Simpson:
[laughing together] Yeah right/sure.

Witch:
What? I do!

Lisa Simpson:
Oh yeah? What's his name?

Witch:
Uh... George!

[looks at her boiling cauldron]

Witch:
Cauldron!

Lisa Simpson:
George Cauldron? Maybe he can fix me up with Ed Ladle!

Homer:
We can outsmart those dolphins. Don't forget - we invented computers, leg warmers, bendy straws, peel-and-eat shrimp, the glory hole, AND the pudding cup.

[Pulling broccoli from Homer's corpse]

Dr. Hibbert:
Another broccoli-related death.

Marge:
But I thought broccoli was...

Dr. Hibbert:
Oh yes. One of the deadliest plants on earth. It tries to warn you itself with its terrible taste.

Homer's ghost:
Marge you gotta help me, I have to do one good deed to get into heaven.

Marge:
Well I got a whole list of chores: clean the garage, paint the house...

Homer's ghost:
Whoa whoa whoa. I'm just trying to get in, I'm not running for Jesus.

Lenny:
Ah, alcohol and night-swimming. It's a winning combination.

[Homer has just performed the good deed he needs to get into heaven]

Homer:
There, did you see that?

Saint Peter:
Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't looking.

Homer:
I thought you guys were always watching.

Saint Peter:
No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Leprechaun:
[whilst kissing the Gypsy] Hold me closer

Leprechaun:
[whilst kissing the Gypsy] Kiss me I'm Irish

Homer Simpson:
[regarding him marrying Marge] But if I died, she'd be completely free. For man or machine.

Pierce Brosnan House:
[as Homer leaves] Machine, eh?

Homer Simpson:
[returns] Yup, a machine.

[Turns Milhouse into a banana]

Nelson Muntz:
Stop zapping yourself!

[Turns Milhouse into an ostrich]

Nelson Muntz:
Stop zapping yourself!

[Turns Milhouse into Mr. T]

Nelson Muntz:
Stop zapping yourself!

Homer:
Mmmm... unexplained bacon.

[the Simpsons got a automatic house, that does everything for them]

Marge:
Ooh, look, we can choose its personality.

[Clicks on Matthew Perry]

House:
Could I BE more of a house?

Homer:
Well, everything ended fine.

Marge:
No, it didn't. Bart's dead.

Homer:
Saying I'm sorry won't bring him back.

Marge:
The gypsy said it would.

Homer:
Pff. She's not the boss of me.

Homer:
Die, you monster!

Lisa:
Dad! That's the water softener.

Homer:
Well I *am* missing the back of my head. I think you could cut me some slack!

Carl:
You know, I was hexed by a troll once and a leprechaun cured that right up.

Lenny:
Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six leprechauns!

Carl:
Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with the leprechaun.

[to Bart, who has mis-cast a spell to change a frog into a prince]

Mrs. Krabappel:
Sloppy work, as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level. You've sinned against nature.

[Homer is about to disable the Ultrabot CPU]

Homer Simpson:
I'm gonna enjoy this!

Pierce Brosnan House:
Don't take out my British charm unit! Without that, I'm nothing but a boorish American clod!

[Homer removes the British charm unit]

Pierce Brosnan House:
Ah, thanks a lot, asswipe! [losing power] I coulda kicked your butt from here to Albuquerque, you fat... slime... bucket. [voice dying]

Billy the Kid:
[From The Fright to Creep and Scare Harms] Now let's rob the bank, give the money to the poor, then rob the poor, and shoot the money!

Professor Frink:
[From The Fright to Creep and Scare Harms]

[after Homer has gone back into the past]

Professor Frink:
I hope he doesn't do anything to ruin the space-time continuum.

[He looks down, his hand has turned into a blender]

Professor Frink:
Oh, for flavin out loud.

Homer Simpson:
[riding Ned Flanders as a cow-centaur, singing] In the jungle / The big, big jungle / Homer rides a freak

Homer Simpson:
[from The Island of Dr. Hibbert, riding Ned Flanders as a cow-centaur, singing] In the jungle / The big, big jungle / Homer rides a freak

Ned Flanders:
[from The Island of Dr. Hibbert. Homer is milking Flanders who has been turned into a half-man, half-cow] That's nice. You're actually quite gentle when you want to be.

Homer Simpson:
You know, you're not helping.

[among the many cloned Homers, there is the original one from the Tracey Ullman show skits]

Homer Simpson:
[as original Homer clone] Let's all go out for some frosty chocolate milkshakes.

Homer Simpson:
[about Marge] She's become a monster! Which, I gotta admit I sort of suspected during the sex.

[Flanders has been transformed into a cow by Hibbert]

Ned Flanders:
Oh, I'm not asking much, Homer. I just want you to squeeze my teats and harvest my milk.

[Groundskeeper Willy has been turned into an ape]

Dr. Hibbert:
Willy, take these folks' luggage.

[to Homer]

Dr. Hibbert:
Careful, he might try to gnaw on your crotch.

Homer:
Don't worry, I've been around Scotsmen before.

[Homer dies after eating a piece of broccoli]

Homer:
Saint Peter. Woo hoo. Got to heaven before you, Flanders.

[wiggles his butt at Earth below]

Homer:
Ha-ha-haha-ha.

[Every inhabitant of Springfield has been turned into an animal]

Ralph:
[feathers pop out of his back] I'm a dog.

[the Simpsons family hold a seance for Ned to contact the spirit of Maude]

Bart Simpson:
[dressed as Maude; ghastly voice] Ned, I'm back! Gimme a kiss!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad you've become the new Grim Reaper!

Homer Simpson:
No way! Forget it! I may occasionally kill out of anger or to illustrate a point but I am not a Grim Reaper!

Homer Simpson:
[about to kill Death] This is for Snowball I and JFK!

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, do you realize what you've done? You've created a world without death!

Homer Simpson:
Does this mean they'll never cancel the Jim Belushi show?

Lisa Simpson:
I guess so.

Homer Simpson:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

[Professor Frink has just re-animated his dead father using mechanical organs]

Professor Frink:
All your organs have been replaced with machines, but that doesn't make you any less of a man. Except that you don't have a penis.

Kang:
Pathetic humans. They are showing a Halloween episode, in November!

Kodos:
You're still thinking about Halloween? We already have our Christmas decorations out.

Homer Simpson:
Hello, I'd like to vote for president, governor, and anything else that will take money away from our parks and libraries.

John Wayne:
[to Prince] Little Sister, is that mustache coming or going?

Prince:
Well your wife likes it.

John Wayne:
[chuckles] You're okay, goofy grape.

Homer Simpson:
This doesn't happen in America! Maybe Ohio, but not in America!

Bart Simpson:
[Shopping for Lisa] I wouldn't give these to my worst enemy, which happens to be Lisa.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Lis. I think I see one with your name on it.

Lisa Simpson:
Well, it can't possibly top your present last year: a box full of your burps.

Bart Simpson:
Oh, that reminds me. Here's your stocking stuffer.

[Burps into Lisa's stocking]

Bestimus Macho:
Wait a minute. We're missing Sex Toy. [Sex Toy enters] Where have you been?

Sex Toy:
Where haven't I been?

Krusty The Klown:
Perform for the troops? Why should I? What have they ever done for me?

Bart Simpson:
[Watching two robots fight each other] Finally, a Boxing Day that lives up to its name.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, what's happening?

Lisa Simpson:
If I were to guess, I'd say two alien races who have been fighting for centuries have chosen our planet to fight their final battle.

Homer Simpson:
It is a good planet to settle things.

Krusty The Klown:
Hey, hey, kids! You're old pal Krusty is going to teach you five new words: unlicensed use of my image.

Lawyer:
Mr. Simpson, you have a talent for killing celebrities.

Homer Simpson:
Well, I'm no drunk driving.

Homer Simpson:
Before you kill me, I have to know, what is the one true religion?

Krusty The Klown:
It's a mixture of voodoo and Methodist.

Milhouse:
I like your witch costume, Lisa.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm not a witch, I'm a Wiccan. Why is it that whenever a woman is strong and powerful, they call her a witch? [Muted trombone vocalizes] You said something, mom?

Marge Simpson:
No, I was just practicing my trombone.

Milhouse:
Every Halloween, the Grand Pumpkin rises from the pumpkin patch to give candy to all the good boys and girls.

Bart Simpson:
For the last time, Milhouse, I just said that to mess with you. The Grand Pumpkin isn't real!

Milhouse:
I apreciate you testing my faith, but it's not necessary.

Milhouse:
You've all come to wait for the Grand Pumpkin with me! Who wants to sing Pumpkin carols?

Nelson Muntz:
I've got a Pumpkin carol for you. You are such a stupid moron. It makes people want to punch you. The Grand Pumpkin's super gay! Punch, punch, punch punch wedgie! [punches Milhouse 4 times and gives him a wedgie]

[first lines]

[Marge sees Homer constantly throwing a bowling ball on the roof]

Marge Simpson:
Homer, what are you doing?

Homer Simpson:
Trying to get a frisbee off the roof.

[Ned sees himself shooting Homer while touching him]

Homer Simpson:
So, what I die of? Too much happiness? Naked girl avalalche?

Ned Flanders:
Um, you die eating a submarine sandwhich.

Homer Simpson:
What kind of bread?

Ned Flanders:
Uh, country parmesan?

Homer Simpson:
Woo who!

Ned Flanders:
Don't worry, kids. I am not going to shoot your father.

Homer Simpson:
Flanders? Shoot me? [laughs] You've never killed anyone and now you're gonna start with the big dog?

Ned Flanders:
Homer, don't tempt the gods, er, I mean God. There's one God; only one. Well, sometimes there's three.

[Ned has the ability to foresee one's death]

Ned Flanders:
Homer, you will die eating a submarine sandwich.

Homer:
What kind of bread is it?

Ned Flanders:
Country parmesan.

Homer:
Woo-hoo!

[Kang and Kodos are cooking the Simpsons]

Bart:
Am I the only one in horrible pain?

Homer:
You're the only one who won't shut up about it.

Professor Frink:
Let the commencing beginulate!

Kang:
[using the Accele-Ray to speed up the World Series] Faster! Faster! Until the fabric of the universe itself may shatter!

Kodos:
Good. Only then could the Cubs win!

[Lisa wakes Homer up after he has a nightmare inspired by A.I. Artificial Intelligence]

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, wake up! You're not a robot! You're just possessed by the devil.

Priest:
The power of Christ compels thee!

[the Priest splashes holy water on Homer, causing him to growl, flip his head around, and crawl up the walls]

Marge Simpson:
[sighs] I'll call work and tell them you can't make it.

Homer Simpson:
Woo-hoo!

[collapses onto the bed, head still backwards]

Homer Simpson:
Heh heh heh, suckers.

Carl:
Homer, Burns has only been chasing us for six hours and you already resorted to cannibalism.

Lenny:
And there's bananas in that tree up there.

Homer Simpson:
Uh, they look a little green.

Lisa Simpson:
I hate going to the zoo. I feel so sorry for the animals.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, the zoo opens up a whole new world for the animals. In the wild, they would never experience boredom, obesity, loss of purpose - you know, the American Dream.

Robot:
[Homer abandons Bart in the woods where he has to spend the night with robots] Don't fear us. We're gentle robots, who were cast-off just like you.

Bart Simpson:
I'm not a robot. I'm human.

Robot:
Tell me, young man, what is it like to have feelings?

Bart Simpson:
I said I'm a human, not a girl.

Female Golem:
There's a latke bar downstairs.

Chief Wiggum:
Latke? What the hell's a latke?

Female Golem:
They're pan-fried...

Chief Wiggum:
Case dismissed!

Chief Wiggum:
Guys we have to assume our guns are useless. Throw them in the lake.

[after doing that]

Chief Wiggum:
Good, now the police car. [after doing that]

Chief Wiggum:
Hey, did you get my sweater from the front seat?

Lou:
Um, yeah.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh yeah? Then where is it?

Lou:
[sighs] I'll go get it, Chief. [Walks into the lake]

Homer Simpson:
[During the panic over the suspected alien-invasion] Burn everything!

Lenny:
Hey Homer, we haven't actually seen these aliens.

Homer Simpson:
That's alien talk! [shoots Lenny]

Bart Simpson:
This Krusty-brand-alarm-clock sprays acid in your face. [Uses it on Milhouse]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Ouww! You already showed me before!

German Guy:
[after getting swallowed by Blob-Homer] What did we Germans ever do to deserve this? [gets an angry look from his friend] Oh, right.

Homer Simpson:
If I can keep down Arby's, I can keep down you!

Marge Simpson:
How could you eat that goo? You don't know what galaxy it's from!

Phil McGraw:
Homer, your family's here. And you've gotta help me help them help you help me help you.

Homer Simpson:
Must eat more fat people! Thank God I'm in America!

Homer Simpson:
Son. Let me have a lick at you!

Homer Simpson:
Must eat... then poop... then eat some more... then eat while pooping.

Homer Simpson:
Ooh, a space marshmallow!

Montgomery Burns:
Hello, boils and ghouls. I am the Crypt Keeper. Or should I say Master of Scary-Monies?

Bart Simpson:
Dad, you're eating Dr. Phil.

Homer Simpson:
It's amazing; he tastes just like Jeffrey Tambor.

Lisa Simpson:
[the town just recovered from a "War of the Worlds" radio scare and Homer is too smart to fall for anything ever again] Dad, a flying saucer just blew up that statue.

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, it's just a radio show!

Homer Simpson:
So, it's a war of the worlds [He looks out the window into the sky] Good thing we have the sun on our side!

Phil McGraw:
Food does not equal love!

Female Golem:
Eusch! What's with this outfit? It looks like a lion ate a parrot and then threw up. E-he-he-he-ha-ha.

Kang:
I don't know. I'm starting to think 'Operation Enduring Occupation' was a bad idea.

Kodos:
We had to invade. They were working on weapons of mass disintegration!

Kang:
Sure they were!

Mayor Quimby:
We have nothing to fear but the aliens and their vastly superior killing technology!

Orson Welles:
The devastation is incredible! They're grinding up the bodies of human beings!

Sound Technician:
[Uses a wisp to grind up cornflakes]

Orson Welles:
Now they're riding horses in the rain!

Sound Technician:
[Clacks coconut halves against a wooden board while pouring water into a tray]

Orson Welles:
Now they're playing the xylophone while bowling near an airport.

Sound Technician:
[Holds up sign reading "Screw you" and leaves]

Radio Broadcaster:
Astronomers say the ominous capsules originated from Earth's closest neighbor.

Homer Simpson:
Flanders?

Radio Broadcaster:
Mars!

Radio Broadcaster:
We interrupt this dance music from Lamourian Roman Capital City's Fabulous Hotel Hitler to bring you a special bulletin.

Homer Simpson:
Hey, I'm not done dancing! This bulletin better swing!

Abe Simpson:
I never thought it would come to this when I fought in the first World War.

Lenny:
First World War? Why do you keep calling it that?

Abe Simpson:
Oh, you'll see!

Golem:
I feel so guilty! I've mangled and maimed 37 people and I told a telemarketer I was busy when I wasn't! I'm not a good man.

Lisa Simpson:
He sure is neurotic for a monster.

Lisa Simpson:
Bart did your mystical Jewish monster beat up those bullies?

Bart Simpson:
Oh, it's always the Jew's fault!

[three years after Kodos and Kang's alien armies have conqured the Earth, Kang arrives at Springfield's devestated city hall in an armed tri-pod]

Kodos:
Colonel Kang, your report.

Kang:
Well, the Earthlings continue to resent our presence.

[a large explosion nearby shakes the building]

Kang:
You said that we'd be greeted as liberators!

Kodos:
Don't worry. We still have the people's hearts and minds.

[Kodos holds up a human brain and heart]

Kent Brockman:
It's blob rule in the streets of Springfield, and if that weren't bad enough, we're also being attack by a 50-foot Lenny.

Lenny:
Homer gets more attention than me.

Carl:
[unseen] I still like you.

Lenny:
Thanks, invisible Carl.

Disco Stu:
Big Band Stu says 23-skidoo.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, you won't touch my stuffed peppers, but you'll eat our son?

Homer Simpson:
Oh, nag, nag, nag.

Bart Simpson:
Finally, someone who will do everything I say.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Hey, Bart. I shaved my head just like you told me.

Bart Simpson:
Go away.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Yes, Master.

Chief Wiggum:
I 'Ought to punch you in the Nose, Bud!

Orson Welles:
[Whispering] Nosebud.

[Bart about to zap Kodos]

Kodos:
Bart... friend?

Marge Simpson:
You just can't get Russian gangster blood out. Must be something they eat.

Homer Simpson:
I'll be going out late tonight. It's midnight monkey madness at the zoo.

Marge Simpson:
Me too. I'll be overturning all the wheelbarrows in case it rains.

Homer Simpson:
Well, enjoy your pointless activity.

Marge Simpson:
Have fun at your preposterous event.

Bart Simpson:
What is that unearthly glow? The sensible thing to do is to go towards it.

Ned Flanders:
That concludes our Halloween show for this year. I just wanna say that for those watching this network, you are all going to Hell. And that includes FX, Fox Sports, and our newest Devil's portal, the Wall Street Journal. Welcome to the club!

Bart Simpson:
He died as he lived - like a dork.

Homer Simpson:
I thought I was killed by that magic spaghetti.

Bart Simpson:
Trick or Treat is not something you mindlessly chant like the Lord's Prayer - it's an oral contract!

Kodos:
[after being struck by Bart's ball] No: you hit me in my seven hundred testicles. [coughs]

Lisa Simpson:
Apu, how did you survive?

Apu:
As a vegetarian, I did not eat any tainted burgers. And as a convenience store owner, I'm armed to the teeth.

Marge Simpson:
Let us in. We have the chosen one.

Soldier:
Welcome, son. To survive, all we must do is eat your flesh.

Marge Simpson:
Hold it right there, bub. What kind of civilized people eat the body and blood of their saviour?

[after being bitten by zombie-Kent Brockman]

Krusty the Clown:
Hey! That's my check-cashing arm, you stupid... [turns into a zombie]

Count Dracula:
Ah, Halloween. The one day when we can walk the streets undetected.

Jimbo Jones:
Hey, lame-os! Turner Classic Movies called. They want their costumes back!

Marge Simpson:
[Dracula, the Mummy, Frankenstein's monster and the Wolfman are at the door] Friends of Homer's?

Homer Simpson:
They're not my friends.

Count Dracula:
We brought a bottle of booze. Booooze!

Homer Simpson:
Come in, come in.

Principal Skinner:
Lisa Simpson in detention? My horoscope said I would see something interesting today, but I thought that would be the horoscope itself.

Lisa Simpson:
[on cell phone] I'm at Krabapple's. Have you established your alibi?

Bart Simpson:
Yes. I'm at the tennis match.

Lisa Simpson:
Will people remember you were there?

Bart Simpson:
[Mooning crowd at tennis court] Oh, I'm pretty sure they will.

Homer Simpson:
To the panic room!

Marge Simpson:
We don't have a panic room!

Homer Simpson:
To the panic room store!

Marge Simpson:
I can't shoot her. She's Lisa's godmother.

Apu:
You can apologize to her in hell.

Marge Simpson:
I guess I could.

Bart Simpson:
Let's play "who gets to carry the chosen one"! [Climbs on Lisa's shoulders; he gets hit on the head by a branch]

Lisa Simpson:
Aw, what's wrong? Did the chosen one got a bump on his chosen widdle noggin'?

Lisa Simpson:
Dad, are you becoming a muncher?

Homer Simpson:
I think the better brains is, which brains is a brains?

Kang:
This is the best musical in light-years.

Kodos:
Light-years measure distance, not time.

Kang:
You know what I meant.

Marge Simpson:
Does this mean you still love me?

Homer Simpson:
Of course I do. Can you still love a man who's half beer?

Marge Simpson:
I always have.

Lisa Simpson:
But I didn't kill Krabappel!

Bart Simpson:
What? You mean to tell me you just rang her doorbell and ran?

Lisa Simpson:
Of course! Ding-dong ditch! You didn't say to kill her!

Bart Simpson:
You don't say "kill", because you're smart. What I meant was kill that ding-dong and throw her in a ditch. Ding-dong ditch! Sheesh, read a book once in a while.

Moe Szyslak:
[as he's carried away by munchers] Little tip, you might want to wash me before you eat me.

Rainier Wolfcastle:
Come with me if you want to live. [He is attacked by munchers]

Homer Simpson:
Another politician who can't keep his promises.

Moe Szyslak:
A little more hemoglobin, and your wife will be disrobin'.

Bart Simpson:
Come on, it's just a game. We're not hurting anybody. [Accidentally hits Milhouse in the eye with controller]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Ow! My non-lazy eye!

Milhouse Van Houten:
Satan's Path?

Bart Simpson:
It's gotta be good if Satan put his name on it.

Marge Simpson:
Oh, Homey. What a great idea to take a cruise in uncharted waters.

Homer Simpson:
Yeah. Charts are for squares, baby.

Edmund:
Dad,I don't need a chaperone. I'm 400 years old.

Count Dracula:
You live under my crypt, you follow my rules.

Edmund:
You're tearing me apart!

Count Dracula:
Look, I'm more than just a vampire. I'm also a sucker for dixieland jazz.

[Plays jazz trumpet]

Edmund:
You said you weren't bringing it.

Count Dracula:
I said I might not.

Lou:
[facing a giant chess knight piece] Chief, I don't like the looks of that knight.

Chief Wiggum:
Don't worry, Lou. We're two spaces away and one to the right.

[the chess knight lands on Chief Wiggum]

Chief Wiggum:
I guess it's game, set, match for me.

Lou:
I think you mean check and mate, Chief.

Chief Wiggum:
I just got crused by a giant horse, Lou. Can you cut me a break?

Bart Simpson:
I wish I could see mom one more time so I could say, "this was all your fault!"

Bart Simpson:
There comes a time to beat the crap out of childish things.

Lisa Simpson:
You're a vampire! I should be afraid, but I'm not.

Edmund:
Come, Lisa. Let us go over the trees the way a bat does, by jumping.

Lisa Simpson:
My boyfriend will be here. Remember not to be yourselves.

Homer Simpson:
I know, I know. Don't serve anything with garlic, don't try to stab him in the heart with a stake, don't ask him if he knows Frankenstein, it's racist somehow.

Homer Simpson:
Ah, Halloween. The one time of year where the squalor of our home works to our advantage.

Ned Flanders:
Springfield, my home town. Pretty little place, although even the Garden of Eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then.

Lisa Simpson:
Halloween is over, and that means one thing: the beginning of Christmas shopping season. Time to pump some blood into our failing economy.

Marge Simpson:
Remember, no home-made gifts. A single sweater can cost 27 Americans their jobs.

Moe Szyslak:
And don't forget, Christmas is a good time to pick up alcoholism. You have to deal with your relatives 365 days a year. Leave at least one day for your bartender.

Marge Simpson:
Quit bageling my English muffin!

Bart Simpson:
Mom married Artie Ziff?

Artie Ziff:
Indeed, and that makes you Bartie Ziff.

Bart Simpson:
[Takes off hat, revealing curly hair] Oy caramba!

Artie Ziff:
I thought this might happen, so I've mastered Brazilian jiu-jitsu.

[Lies down on floor]

Artie Ziff:
Fall atop me and meet your doom!

Homer Simpson:
Lisa, do you have a stray dog in the basement?

Lisa Simpson:
Well, it's worse than a stray dog.

Homer Simpson:
Two stray dogs?

Lisa Simpson:
It's a black hole.

Homer Simpson:
That was going to be my next guess.

Lisa Simpson:
Are you sure your next guess wasn't three stray dogs?

Homer Simpson:
Maybe.

Homer Simpson:
If anyone finds this footage after we're dead or missing, remember me as a hero.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, you forgot to pick me up from little league!

Lisa Simpson:
You threw your car keys in my bean plant!

Homer Simpson:
A hero!

Ned Flanders:
Homer, is that my camera?

Homer Simpson:
Hero away!

Homer Simpson:
Ice-cream with cookie dough? Unnecessarily big TVs? Thursday night football? And the globe feels so warm. I am in awe of the future!

[Chief Wiggum goes by on a Segway, asleep]

Homer Simpson:
Okay, that's not so great.

Bart Simpson:
Now to go back to the future, where I'm either rich or allowed to stand in front of a rich man's house. Either way, it's better than here.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Homer.

Homer Simpson:
Who are you?

Bart Simpson:
I'm your unwanted son from the future who kills all your fun.

Homer Simpson:
Why you little!... [Chokes Bart]

Moe Szyslak:
[after being decapitated, his head is kicked around by kids] Boy, soccer is even boring for the ball.

Homer Simpson:
Before we begin, what's the safe word?

Demon:
Cinnamon.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, that's nice. Now, I'd like to try something new, if you don't mind.

Demon:
Cinnamon! Cinnamon! Cinnamon!

Marge Simpson:
[to a group of Homer's descendants] I just realized I married the wrong man. I was meant to be with all of you. [a Homer in skins and a club grunts at her incoherently] Even you, caveman Homer.

Homer Simpson:
That's Renaissance Homer.

Homer Simpson:
I'm afraid of nothing, not even hellfires. Just please don't let me be played by Mike Myers.

Mr. Burns:
Behold, the most hideous of all! [Opens curtain to reveal Moe]

Moe Szyslak:
How you doin'? [Crowd gasps in horror] Anyone here from New Jersey? [Woman raises her hand] I'm going there next week. [Woman screams and faints]

Lisa Simpson:
I thought I was just donating blood.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Oh, you are, along with lymph, spinal fluid and all the trimmings.

Moe Szyslak:
My mother's wedding ring. She gave it to me in her death bed. She also acquired it in her death bed. That was a very busy death bed.

Freaks:
One of us! Gooble goo! One of us! Gooble goo!

Homer Simpson:
What does "gooble goo" even mean?

Freaks:
We don't know! Gooble goo!

Milhouse:
[while leading Bart into a cave] This is where I come to cry.

Homer:
Here, little fella.

[Homer pours beer into Linguo's mouth]

Lisa:
Dad, no!

Linguo:
Error!

Homer:
I'm sorry. I thought he was a party robot.

Lisa:
Oh. This is why I can't have nice things! Grrr... every time I design a robot, somebody comes along and breaks it.

Lisa:
Almost done. Just lay still.

Linguo:
Lie still.

Lisa:
I knew that. Just testing.

Linguo:
Sentence fragment.

Lisa:
Sentence fragment is also a sentence fragment.

[Linguo's eyes move back and forth as it thinks]

Linguo:
Must conserve battery power.

[Linguo shuts itself down]

First mobster:
Hey, They's throwin' robots!

Linguo:
They are throwing robots.

Second mobster:
It's disrespecting us. Shut up a'you face!

Linguo:
Shut up your face.

Second mobster:
Whatsa' matta you?

First mobster:
You ain't so big.

Second mobster:
Me an' him are gonna' whack you in the labonza!

Linguo:
Mmmm... Bad... Bad grammar overload! Error! Error!

[Linguo explodes]

Ned Flanders:
Son of a diddily!

Homer:
Linguo, dead?

Linguo:
Linguo is dead.

Homer:
[to Marge] That is not possible, we are not in Gattaca.

Lisa:
[after seeing the breakfast Marge has prepared, whispering] Don't worry dad, I'll get us out of this! [Louder] Hey dad! [winks] Do you want to see my science project? [winks]

Homer:
No Lisa, [winks] but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast!

Chief Wiggum:
[answer machine] 9-1-1. This better be good.

[Marge has just sliced off Homer's thumb]

Marge:
I'm sorry!

Homer:
Sorry doesn't put thumbs on the hand, Marge!

Chief Wiggum:
Here we are, 123 Fake Street. The home of Knifey Wifey!

Chief Wiggum:
Your mission is to find the firework smugglers and get them to say something incriminating on this tape.

[Looks at tape]

Bart:
Hootie and the Blowfish?

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, it's cheaper than blank tape.

Dr. Nick:
'Inflammable' means flammable? What a country.

[Homer is drunk]

Homer:
Have you ever seen that Blue Man Group? Total ripoff of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs, well, they SUCK.

[Marge made a disgusting breakfast]

Lisa:
[whispers] Dad, I know a way to get out of this.

[out loud]

Lisa:
Say, Dad,

[winks]

Lisa:
would you like to see my project for the school science fair?

[winks]

Homer:
No, Lisa,

[winks]

Homer:
but I sure don't want to eat this crappy breakfast.

[winks]

Milhouse:
I can't go to juvie, they use guys like me as currency.

Lisa:
[running past Moe's] It's noon. That's usually when dad gets the brew shakes.

Chief Wiggum:
[Wiggum thinks he's killed Bart and Milhouse, his snitches during a sting operation by blurting out Fat Tony's name over a hidden radio, and then hears what sounds like gunshots] My bad.

[Santa's Little Helper goes off running with George Bush, leaving Homer all alone]

Homer:
I guess you might say he's barking up the wrong Bush.

Homer's Brain:
There it is, Homer. The cleverest thing you'll ever say and nobody heard it.

Homer:
D'oh!

[trying to get into George Bush's house]

Homer:
Hey, Bush. Get out here.

Secret Service Agent:
Excuse me sir, where're you going?

Homer:
I'm going to punch George Bush in the face.

Secret Service Agent:
OK, is he expecting you?

George Bush:
If they don't think George Bush will go into the sewer, they don't know George Bush.

Homer:
Hello Mr. Bush, it's your sons, George Bush, Jr. and Jeb Bush.

George Bush:
Barbara, the boys are here, maybe they can help us take care of those Simpsons.

George Bush:
You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first names.

Bart:
Yeah, well, welcome to the 20th century, George.

Bart:
Hey, nice pajamas.

George Bush:
They're presidential pajamas. You have to be president. And *you're* not president.

Bart:
Yes I am.

George Bush:
No you're not! Bar!

[President Bush has put up a poster on the front of the house with crudely drawn pictures of Homer and Bart on it. It reads 'Two Bad Neighbours']

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
[confused] I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbours?

George Bush:
[annoyed] No, its not Bar and me. It's them!

[Bush points at the Simpsons' house]

Ned Flanders:
Who, Maude and me?

George Bush:
No, the man and his boy. Ya know. The boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man.

[calls in to his wife, Barbara]

George Bush:
Bar, what's the name of the man?

Barbara Bush:
[calling out to George] I'm not getting involved, George!

Disco Stu:
Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

Marge:
Can we get rid of this Ayatollah tee-shirt? Khomeini died years ago.

Homer:
But Marge, it works on any Ayatollah! Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... Even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmara and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power!

Mr. Burns:
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

Smithers:
You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Makeup artist:
[the Simpsons are being prepped for their TV appearance with Mr. Burns]

Makeup artist:
Well, what do we think?

Homer Simpson:
Hey! Hello, handsome!

Makeup artist:
Hey, get that gunk off his face! He's supposed to be having dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power!

Bart Simpson:
Is your boss governor yet?

Homer Simpson:
No, son, not yet.

Mr. Burns:
You can't do this to me! I'm Charles Montgomery Burns!

Dave Shutton:
What's your name, son?

Bart Simpson:
I'm Bart Simpson. Who the hell are you?

Dave Shutton:
I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot, and I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.

Bart Simpson:
Well, this is my day, and we do, sir.

Mr. Burns:
Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

Marge Simpson:
Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.

Homer Simpson:
Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her.

Lisa Simpson:
Ooh, a political discussion at the breakfast table! I feel like a Kennedy!

[Burns is attempting to bribe the nuclear inspectors]

Mr. Burns:
Look, Smithers! Some foolish individual has left thousands and thousands of dollars on this table! Let's step outside and, hopefully, when we return, the money will be gone.

[Burns steps outside for a few moments. When he steps back in, the nuclear inspector hasn't touched the money]

Mr. Burns:
[angrily] Look, Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here!

Nuclear inspector:
Mr. Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd say you were trying to bribe me.

Mr. Burns:
Is there some confusion about this? [starts stuffing money in his pockets] Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

Homer Simpson:
Hmm, I guess Bart's not to blame. He's lucky too, because it's spanking season, and I got a hankering for some spankering!

Smithers:
Are you sure you want to go through with this, sir? You do have a very full wardrobe as it is.

Mr. Burns:
Yes, but not completely full, for you see... /

[singing]

Mr. Burns:
Some men hunt for sport, others hunt for food. The only thing I'm hunting for, is an outfit that looks good... / See... my... Vest. See my vest. / Made from real gorilla chest. / See this sweater, there's no better, than authentic Irish Setter. / See this hat? 'Twas my cat, / My evening wear vampire bat. / These white slippers are albino African endangered rhino. / Grizzly bear underwear, / Turtle's necks I've got my share. / Beret of Poodle on my noodle I shall rest. / Try my red robin suit, it comes one breast or two. / See my vest. See my vest. See my vest. / Like my loafers? Former gophers, / It was that or skin my chauffeurs / but a greyhound fur tuxedo would be best. / So let's prepare these dogs...

Mrs. Potts:
Kill two for matching clogs.

Mr. Burns:
See my vest, see my vest, oh please won't you see... my... Vest! I really like the vest.

Smithers:
I gathered, yeah...

Lisa:
He's gonna make a tuxedo out of our puppies!

Bart:
[still humming the tune] Na na na na na na naa naaaa...

Lisa:
Bart!

Bart:
Sorry... You gotta admit it's catchy.

Lisa:
What's Santa's Little Helper doing to that dog?

Bart:
It looks like he's trying to jump over her but can't quite make it. Come on, boy! You can do it!

Mr. Burns:
Right now I'll be taking my puppies back.

Lisa:
But they're ours, you stole them from us!

[Burns gives her a cell phone]

Mr. Burns:
Here's a phone. Call somebody who cares.

[Lisa dials 9-1... ]

Mr. Burns:
[snatches it back] Give me that!

[a wild Santa's Little Helper digs up a dozen holes in the backyard]

Lisa:
[gasp] My bongo drums!

Bart:
My strobe light!

Homer Simpson:
My "Best of Ray Stevens - featuring the 'Streak' - Album"! So it was the dog who buried all our stuff!

Marge Simpson:
Yes... the dog.

Bart:
Hey, boy, you want to play fetch?

[Santa's Little Helper looks up, tired, then puts his head back down]

Bart:
Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play anymore since his b*tch moved in.

Marge Simpson:
Bart, don't ever say that word again!

Bart:
Well, that's what she is. I looked it up.

Marge Simpson:
Well, I'm going to write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me...

Bart:
An army of dogs! No bully will ever touch me again!

[calls outside to Jimbo]

Bart:
Hey, Jerkface! You have the face of a jerk!

Jimbo Jones:
[grabs Bart] All right, Simpson, you asked for-!

Bart:
Get him, boys!

[the dogs whimper and fall asleep]

Bart:
[chuckles nervously] Uh, say, Jimbo, hope I wasn't out of line with that "Jerkface" crack...

[Jimbo punches him in the stomach and leaves]

Ned Flanders:
[Notepad in hand] I'm ready to learn, Homer. Just give me the topic sentence.

Homer Simpson:
Give me that! [Throws Ned's notepad out the window] That's your problem. You're living up here. [Points at head] You should be living down here... [Lowers finger an inch]... in the impulse zone.

Ned Flanders:
I'll have a Shirley... No, a virgin... No, a children's... Oh, what the heck? You only live once. Give me a white wine spritzer!

[Everyone wonders how Ned Flanders looks so young]

Moe Szyslak:
It's holy water, right? [Splashes holy water on face] Augh, it burns!

Homer Simpson:
What if we switched wives? Would that help?

Ned Flanders:
For the last time, NO!

Ned Flanders:
The lights, the noise, the letter X. It's all designed to inflame the senses. I'm overstimulated. I've gotta get out of this town!

Ned Flanders:
How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "think?"

Homer Simpson:
Who, Lisa?

Homer Simpson:
Eat my dust, dust!

Bart Simpson:
Alright here comes the implosion!

Demolition Worker:
[Pushes the plunger down] Implosion, I thought you said...

Don Rickles:
[Burns Casino blows up in a cloud of dust with Don Rickles flying out in the air] HOCKEY PUCK!

Homer Simpson:
[as they all run from the dust] Hehe Don Rickles zinged you Marge!

Ned Flanders:
How do you do it, Homer? How do you silence that little voice that says "Think"?

Homer:
You mean Lisa?

Ned Flanders:
Gosh darn it! Am I that pre-diddly-ictable?

Homer Simpson:
[to Ned Flanders, as he locks the car doors] I think you'll find that escape is quite impossible.

Ned Flanders:
[Unlocks the door] No, I got it!

Homer Simpson:
[sees Justin Hayward, Graeme Edge, John Lodge and Ray Thomas] Aargh! The Moody Blues!

: [Graeme Edge] Cold-hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life.

Justin Hayward:
[Justin Hayward] Chips are blue and red and white but we decide...

: [John Lodge] [interrupts Justin] Can the poems, it's arse-whooping time!

: [Ray Thomas] [opens his flute to reveal a dagger] I want Fatty!

Graeme Edge:
Cold hearted Homer, ditching his wife, while ancient Ned runs for his life.

Justin Hayward:
Chips are red, blue and white but we decide...

John Lodge:
[Interrupts Justin] Can the poems, it's arse-whipping time!

Ray Thomas:
[opening his flute, revealing a dagger] I want Fatty!

Homer Simpson:
Well, well, so flawless Flanders needs help from stinky pants Simpson.

Ned Flanders:
Haha, yeah I guess I do.

Homer Simpson:
Welly, welly, welly, Mr. Clean wants to hang with Dirty Dingus McGee

Ned Flanders:
How about it Homer, will you teach me the secrets of your intoxicating lust for life?

Homer Simpson:
Wellity, wellity, wellity...

Ned Flanders:
Stop that! Will you help me or not?

Homer Simpson:
Let's do it.

Homer Simpson:
Night gathers and now my Duff-Watch begins. It shall not end until my death, or my 12 week option is not picked up. I shall take no wife, hold no lands and father no children, except for the wife and house and kids I'm already stuck with. I shall wear no other beers' crowns'. I am the six-pack hidden in daddy's secret cabinet, I put the fest in Oktoberfest, and sell for eight bucks at ball parks. Though I have nothing to offer but my suds, head and beers, and promotional cosies, for this night and all nights to come.

Moe Szyslak:
Our song has had her lips on half of America, even... Des Moines! [spits]

Bart Simpson:
We make a great brother-sister team, like Andy and Lana Wachowski.

Lisa Simpson:
Should we hug?

Bart Simpson:
Let's fist bump through a towel.

Lisa Simpson:
Works for me.

Homer Simpson:
All my life I always wanted to blindly follow someone, and I think you might be the guy.

Lisa Simpson:
Take it, Bart!

Bart Simpson:
You take it.

Lisa Simpson:
I gave it to you!

Bart Simpson:
And I refuse to take it!

Homer Simpson:
I've never written an eulogy before, but this time I did. Unfortunately, I left it at home. [Marge hands him a piece of paper] Thanks, lady.

Miss Hoover:
Three, two, one. Okay children, I've just been granted tenure, so Im gonna sit back and let Ralph teach for a while.

Ralph Wiggum:
Class in what year was one plus one. The answer is The amazing Ralph!

[Jumps out window]

Lisa Simpson:
It says here that Springfield Elementary is so bad it's two deviations below the norm.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, I can't understand that math reference because I went to Springfield Elementary!

City Inspector:
[Flips coin] Call it, friendo.

Homer Simpson:
Heads! No, tails! No, on its side! [coin falls on it side]

City Inspector:
Well played.

Marge Simpson:
This is your first day at a new school. Lisa, have fun. Bart, don't.

Marge Simpson:
I love tapas. They're like appetizers for a meal that never comes.

Alaska Nebraska:
I am so sick of fans in my food.

Marge Simpson:
The bottle label is all in lowercase. It's like I'm drinking e.e. cummings.

City Inspector:
"Go, Dog, Go", pages missing. Lego spaceship, poorly constructed. Clearly this is the appartment of elementary school children. Too bad. I was really looking forward to killing you and making it look like a suicide.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, thank you, friendo!

City Inspector:
I am not your friendo.

Homer Simpson:
But I thought...

Bart Simpson:
We have to go back to Springfield. I just remembered I was playing hide-and-seek with Milhouse.

Milhouse:
[In the dumpster back of the Kwik-E Mart] Three weeks! This must be a new record!

Homer Simpson:
[blood on wind shield] Stupid horse, it's a deer crossing!

Chief Wiggum:
[arresting Marge for selling prescription drugs] Save it, Ma Peddle.

Lou:
Ma Peddle?

Chief Wiggum:
It's a reference to Ma Kettle, a movie character from the 1940s.

Lou:
Chief, if you have to explain it, it's not very good.

Homer Simpson:
I can't believe I have to drive all the way to Oregon. With it's rich unspoiled lands and birthplace of Matt Groening.

[Marge is planning a second wedding to Homer]

Marge Simpson:
I want every table to have two baskets of bread but only one plate of butter. That will stimulate conversation.

Homer Simpson:
What if we...

Marge Simpson:
There is no "we" in "wedding"!

Homer Simpson:
But there is, Marge, the first two letters!

Marge Simpson:
I can't believe you're ruining the second Thursday before the wedding!

Homer Simpson:
[to Marge] You deserve a wedding that, unlike our children, was planned in advance.

Reverend Lovejoy:
And so, only two of the Commandments are real, and the other eight are just filler.

Homer Simpson:
Well, forget it, padre. We don't need a piece of paper to tell us we're happy. Me and the old lady have our own thing going on.

Marge Simpson:
Who are you calling an old lady?

Homer Simpson:
I need that paper, quick!

Homer Simpson:
Reverend, what are you doing delivering our pizza? But we didn't order any pizza. Plus, you forgot the pizza. Marge, the pizza place screwed up again!

Bart Simpson:
So if you weren't married, does that mean I'm a bastard?

Lisa Simpson:
You were born when they were married, so in the literal sense, no. But in the sense of someone being angry at you, yes.

Bart Simpson:
So, did you take any breaks yesterday, like, to kidnap our father?

Krusty The Clown:
Impossible. He was with me the whole day. We watched the special edition DVD of House Of Sand And Fog, then slept together for warmth, got up, had a little nosh, watched the DVD again with the director's commentary.

Sideshow Bob:
The director was an ass.

Lisa Simpson:
This doesn't make sense. Dad would never leave an open wings bar. And he loves mom and us, yadda yadda yadda.

Homer Simpson:
I'm chained to a wall like a common bicycle! But who would do that to me? It would have to be someone who could afford a chain.

Bart Simpson:
If you don't want us to tell, you're gonna have to pay.

Patty Bouvier:
Pay what?

Bart Simpson:
Don't ask me. She's the brains. I'm the thing that's not the brains.

Homer Simpson:
[stoned, at work on the phone] Marge! I just realized. I am the "ow" in the word "now." [Angrily] And if you tell anyone...!

Otto Mann:
[both stoned; watching "The Three Stooges"] Hey, "Shemp" spelled backwards is "Hemp"!

[laughs]

Homer Simpson:
And Otto spelled backwards is "Otto"!

[laughs]

Otto Mann:
Now I'm scared.

Homer Simpson:
[thinking as he is watching Lisa play her sax] Wow, that sax would make a great pipe.

Bart Simpson:
Dad, I thought you didn't like Lisa's saxophone.

Homer Simpson:
I didn't. But now, daddy's special medicine- [menacingly] which you must never use because it will ruin your life- lets daddy see and hear magical things that you will never experience... ever!

Homer Simpson:
Oh man, we killed Mr. Burns! Mr. Burns is going to be so mad!

Lisa Simpson:
Mom, my potato is eating a carrot [All are watching a huge potato eating a carrot that tries to escape on its own]

Marge Simpson:
[Homer is naming off the crows in his bedroom] Homer, I'm not sure I'm comfortable sleeping with a group of crows in the bedroom in the night.

Homer Simpson:
It's a murder, honey. A group of crows is called a murder.

Marge Simpson:
I'm going to go sleep on the couch tonight.

Marge Simpson:
[Homer tries his first medical marijuana in the bedroom, the smoke comes through the closed door and downstairs to where Marge, Lisa, and Bart are] What is that billowing down the stairs? [Gasps] It's smoke!

Lisa Simpson:
[Sniffs] It smells like the art teacher's office.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. [to Homer] Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president.

Waylon Smithers:
Uh, sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, Smithers. I would have said anything to get your stem cells.

Marge Simpson:
[Homer comes home with a new suit] Where did you get that suit?

Homer Simpson:
Woah, woah, one question at a time. [Points to Marge] Yes, you?

Marge Simpson:
Homer, I am getting really worried you are going overboard with this. We are out of clothespins, there are half-eaten cupcakes all around the house, and the curtains smell like doob.

Homer Simpson:
Well I got news for you: I just got promoted and it's all thanks to yes-I-cannabis! [Homer walks away] We have a kitchen?

[Homer is getting stitches in his eyes]

Homer:
I hate getting stitches in my eye. Stupid crows.

Dr. Julius Hibbert:
Now, don't be mad at the crows, Homer. They weren't trying to blind you, they were just trying to drink your sweet, sweet eye juices.

[Homer is surrounded by crows at Moe's Bar]

Moe Szyslak:
All right, get 'em outta here. This ain't no crow-bar. THIS is a crow-bar.

[Moe reaches under the counter and pulls out a portrait of crows sitting at a bar]

Moe Szyslak:
See? They got their little stools and everything.

[Homer is listening to Lisa playing her saxaphone while he's high on marijuana]

Bart:
Hey, Dad, I thought you hated Lisa's sax.

Homer:
I did, but now Daddy's new medicine... which you must never use. Because it will ruin your life... helps Daddy see the magical colors that you will never experience... EVER.

[Homer reads label on medicinal pot]

Homer:
Caution, objects may apppear more edible than they actually are.

[At Moe's]

Lenny:
It's a good thing you stopped smoking the magic grass, Homer. You were getting spaced out.

Carl:
Yeah, we were planning an intervention, but I got alcohol poisoning that night.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron.

Dr. Hibbert:
You can't let a single bad experience scare you away from drugs.

Bart:
As long as you're doing things for me, will you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house?

Homer:
NEVER.

Otto:
They call 'em "fingers," but I never see 'em fing. Oh wait, there they go.

Homer:
Inside every man is a struggle between good and evil that cannot be resolved.

[Dissolve to inside Homer's head; "Evil Homer," dressed in a devil suit, is dancing and shaking two castanets over a grave marked "Good Homer."]

Homer:
I am Evil Homer! I am Evil Homer!

Miss Springfield:
Gentlemen, start your whacking.

[Homer is heading out to participate in Whacking Day]

Lisa:
Dad, for the last time, please don't lower yourself to the level of the mob.

Homer:
Lisa, maybe if I'm part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where's my giant foam cowboy hat and airhorn?

[Barry White is the Guest of Honor on Whacking Day]

Mayor Quimby:
Now I'd like to introduce our Grand Marshal, the Prophet of Love, Larry White.

Barry White:
Barry White.

Mayor Quimby:
No, it says here Larry White.

Barry White:
I know my own name.

Mayor Quimby:
Yeah? Well, we'll just see!

Bart:
Whacking Day is a sham. It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish.

Old Irishman:
'Tis true. I took many a lump, but 'twas all in good fun.

Reverend Timothy Lovejoy:
[Reading from his Bible] And the Lord said, "Whack ye all the serpents which crawl upon their bellies, and thy town shall be a beacon unto others." So you see, Lisa, even God Himself endorses Whacking Day.

Lisa:
Let me see that.

Reverend Timothy Lovejoy:
[Putting his Bible away] No.

Barry White:
I love the sexy slither of a woman snake.

Barney:
[Barney is hitting the ground with a stick] Take that snake! Ungh! And you too! Snakes! Snakes everyhere!

Lenny:
Getting ready for Whacking Day?

Barney:
What's Whacking Day?

[Whacking Day anthem - to the tune of "O Christmas Tree"]

Choir:
O Whacking Day, O Whacking Day/Our hallowed snake-skull cracking day/We'll break their backs/Gouge out their eyes/Their evil hearts we'll pulverize/O Whacking Day, O Whacking Day/May God bestow his grace on Thee.

[asking the kids what they did in school]

Bart:
I got expelled.

Homer:
That's my boy! [sips his beer] Mmm, beer... *what*?

Milhouse Van Houten:
Who knew having a backbone would make one attractive?

Principal Skinner:
Certainly not I, or my suits wouldn't fit.

Homer Simpson:
The marriage I have taken for granted all these years has suddenly exploded in my face. What do I do?

Herstory Narrator:
Typically, men have two choices. [Thought balloon over Homer shows a pair of boxing gloves labeled "Fight" and a pair of winged sneakers labeled "Flee"]

Homer Simpson:
I like the looks of those winged shoes. I choose flee! [Starts running, but after a couple of blocks gets exhausted and stops] Where's an automatic sidewalk when you need one? Fleeing didn't work. I have no choice. I must do... whatever the other thing was!

Herstory Narrator:
Milhouse has made his choice, and if there's any justice, he's doomed. Now let's see what Maggie is up to. [Cut to Maggie rocking her crib back and forth; image freezes as she falls over] Moving on.

Homer Simpson:
You know how in the Special Olympics they give out medals just for showing up?

Marge Simpson:
How many times have I told you to stop comparing our relationship to the Special Olympics?

Milhouse Van Houten:
[Hugging stuffed bunny] I love you, Fluffy Fella.

School Therapist:
I've just been fired. I need that bunny more than you.

[Takes bunny]

Milhouse Van Houten:
Fluffy fella! Fella!

Homer Simpson:
[Finds Helen Lovejoy at a sex shop] The minister's wife? What are you doing here?

Helen Lovejoy:
Uh, protesting.

Reverend Lovejoy:
[Comes out of a dressing room wearing bondage wear] Is this domineering enough for you?

Helen Lovejoy:
Go back to the cowboy thing and wait in the car.

Reverend Lovejoy:
Help me out here, Homer. [Homer laughs uneasily and walks away]

Homer Simpson:
[Caught inside a bondage device] Quick, call the Proctor & Gamble help line!

Marge Simpson:
Boy, they make everything nowadays.

Homer Simpson:
Do you know a way to please a woman that starts with F?

Moe:
As a matter of fact, I've been reading up on this Fifty Shades of Gray, and apparently what women today want is to give her what for in the bedroom.

Homer Simpson:
Woo hoo! I'll woo her with woo-hoo!

Moe:
I dunno, if this is what women are into, I should be a lot more popular.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Lisa, did you see Marlon Brando in Mutiny in the Bounty?

Lisa Simpson:
No, nobody did.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Then this is all me!

Marge Simpson:
I'm tired of your broken promises. "I'll fix it tomorrow." "I'll be home at 8:00 PM." "I'll be home at 8:00 AM." "I'll take you on the most romantic dinner of your life." Well, I'm through with your excuses!

Homer Simpson:
Marge was so happy when I made those promises. What changed?

Nelson Muntz:
For some reason, chicks dig Brando, with his sweaty clothes and mumbling. I've been wasting my time with this sophisticated act. [Takes off frayed vest, folds it and puts it inside desk]

Homer Simpson:
Oh, Marge! Come into the garage! You know it's gonna be good, because I'm talking in a sing-song fashion!

Homer Simpson:
Booze, why are you doing this to me? I drank every kind of you.

Bart Simpson:
Every time I take art, some goody-goody teacher sends me to the school counselor.

Milhouse Van Houten:
Your stuff is pretty disturbing.

Bart Simpson:
I never acted on any of it.

Bart Simpson:
I just don't like art.

Homer Simpson:
No one does, son. That's why they lock it up in museums where no one can see it.

Homer Simpson:
Fat Tony?

Fat Tony:
That's right, Fat Homer.

Lisa:
Dad, do you know what Schadenfreude is?

Homer:
No, I don't know what "shaden-frawde" is.

[sarcastic]

Homer:
Please tell me, because I'm dying to know.

Lisa:
It's a German term for "shameful joy", taking pleasure in the suffering of others.

Homer:
Oh, come on Lisa. I'm just glad to see him fall flat on his butt!

[getting mad]

Homer:
He's usually all happy and comfortable, and surrounded by loved ones, and it makes me feel... What's the opposite of that shameful joy thing of yours?

Lisa:
Sour grapes.

Homer:
Boy, those Germans have a word for everything!

Marge:
Bart, don't use the Touch of Death on your sister.

Bart:
You lie like a fly with a booger in its eye.

Homer:
[laughing] The fly was funny, but the booger was the icing on the cake.

Homer:
I don't care if Ned Flanders IS the nicest guy in the world. He's a jerk. End of story.

Homer:
Stupid family going to stupid Flanders' stupid barbecue. What if they got back and I was dead from not eating? Then they'd be sorry. They'd say, "Oh no, why did we go to Flanders barbecue? Why did we leave Homer all alone without any food?" And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave. Heh heh heh.

Akira:
We learn karate, so we need never use it.

Bart:
Um, excuse me, sir, I already know how not to hit a guy. Can we break out the nunchuks?

Akira:
First, you must fill your head with wisdom. Then you can hit ice with it.

Marge:
Bart, how many hours a day do you watch TV?

Bart:
Six. Seven if there's something good on.

Kim Basinger:
Wow, Homer. You got everything. Even the Oscar polish!

Alec Baldwin:
Honey, don't you think you've polished that enough? You're taking the finish off.

Kim Basinger:
When you win one, you can take care of it how you want.

Apu:
Oh dear, you've ruined my work! You flying fat man!

Kim Basinger:
Let's get him!

Alec Baldwin:
And this time, it's personal. [Kim and Ron Howard stare at him] What? It *is* personal! He's got our underpants!

Homer Simpson:
Well, I'll always have my prank calls. [dials his cell phone] Hello? Old lady from "Titanic"? You stink! [laughs]

Lisa Simpson:
You promised to take us to the lake.

Homer Simpson:
I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!

Lisa Simpson:
Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.

Homer Simpson:
No, that would make me a great father.

Boat Rental Clerk:
[hands Homer keys] There you go. And I assume you've read the boat safety manual.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, yeah. Couldn't put it down. Come on, boy, let's get me a six-pack!

Boat Rental Clerk:
Uh, sir, you can't operate a boat under the influence of alcohol.

Homer Simpson:
Oh, that sounds like a wager to me!

Ron Howard:
Do I smell vodka... and wheatgrass?

Homer Simpson:
It's called a lawnmower, I invented it, do you want one?

Ron Howard:
Yeah, okay.

Homer Simpson:
Billy Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin:
I'm *Alec* Baldwin!

Homer:
When was the last time Barbara Streisand cleaned out your garage? And when it's time to do your laundry, where's Ray Bolger? I'll tell ya. Ray Bolger is looking out for Ray Bolger.

Homer:
Look, all I'm saying is, if these big stars didn't want people going through their garbage and saying they're gay, then they shouldn't have tried to express themselves creatively.

[Kim Basinger is working out, Homer is coaching her]

Homer:
And stretch. And strain. And hyperextend. Keep those knees rigid. Jerk that lower back.

Kim Basinger:
I'm getting some shooting pains in my neck...

Homer:
That's right, force it. Whip that neck.

[Alec Baldwin enters the room]

Alec Baldwin:
Does anybody know where this came from?

Homer:
Oh, there's that script I wrote. Where did you find it?

Alec Baldwin:
It was on my pillow.

Homer:
The important thing is, it has the perfect part for you. For either of you. It's about a killer robot driving instructor who travels back in time for some reason. Ron Howard's attached to direct.

Ron Howard:
No I'm not.

Homer:
Well, he expressed an interest.

Ron Howard:
No I didn't.

Homer:
Did too.

Ron Howard:
Is that... vodka... and wheat grass?

Homer:
It's called a "lawnmower". I invented it. Want one?

Homer Simpson:
[after dreaming that he was Yogi Bear] Oh... I was having the most wonderful dream. I had a hat and a tie with no pants on.

Homer Simpson:
You want to erase the 2009 Oscar red carpet? But they had some amazing dresses, along with a few disasters!

Marge Simpson:
Fine, then what should I erase?

Homer Simpson:
I don't know, but hands off my Hoarders, don't erase any of my episodes of Episodes, and if you erase any of my episodes of Revenge...

Homer Simpson:
First we have to make sure you're okay. Who's President now?

Moe Szyslak:
Some jerk.

Homer Simpson:
He's okay.

Moe Szyslak:
Four guys, a chick and a noose. Just like the kind of movies I like.

Marge Simpson:
While we're away, Grampa is going to take care of you.

Abraham Simpson:
[Giving baby food to the mailbox] You sure are a good eater, Maggie.

Marge Simpson:
Bart, you take care of Grampa.

Carl:
Capital City has a twin?

Lenny Leonard:
It moved to California to become a star, but it just ended up turning into Glendale.

Stranger:
[Bumps into Moe] Oh, sorry, pal.

Moe Szyslak:
Sorry, pal? That's common courtesy, the kind I've only seen in the movies.

Abraham Simpson:
I want a foot rub.

Bart Simpson:
But do you need a foot rub?

Abraham Simpson:
No one needs a foot rub. Now start rubbing!

Bart Simpson:
So I did all of that for nothing?

Abraham Simpson:
Sorry, I faked it like we fake loving your homemade gifts.

Bart Simpson:
But mom said it was made with love.

Abraham Simpson:
Did she?

Bart Simpson:
No.

Abraham Simpson:
But what you did wasn't for nothing. You made these last two weeks the best two weeks of this horrible part of my life.

Bart Simpson:
Aw, Grampa. You're the one thing I've ever taken care of that didn't die.

Abraham Simpson:
I get that a lot.

Moe Szyslak:
Without my magic suit, I'm nothin'.

Marge Simpson:
Moe, have you ever heard the story of Dumbo the elephant?

Moe Szyslak:
I didn't go to the movies much as a child. I worked at a pierogi factory. Stick in the potato, fold in the dough, that was my Star Wars.

Marge Simpson:
Dumbo had a magic feather that made him fly, but then he found out that the feather wasn't magic. The magic was inside him all along.

Lisa Simpson:
Let me get this straight: Moe is Dumbo, the whiskey is Dumbo's ears, and we're that bunch of racist crows?

Homer Simpson:
Honey, the crows weren't racist. The people who drew them were.

[last lines]

Moe Szyslak:
[to noose] Sorry, not today, old friend. But don't worry, holidays are just around the corner.

Bart Simpson:
When did everything turn to crap?

Marge Simpson:
Bart! I don't want that kind of language in this house. [Pours bag of "Fun size" candy canes into a bowl; picks one up and regards its tiny size]

Marge Simpson:
[Thinking] Man, when did everything turn to crap?

Moe Syzlak:
I say we greet these newcomers with open arms... and gouge them for all they're worth! Who's with me?

Comic Book Guy:
I'm in for some gouging.

Duffman:
Duffman is commited to the corporate support of gouging!

Homer Simpson:
Aw, Marge got remarried after I died. Wait a minute, I'm not dead! What the hell's going on?

Reverend Lovejoy:
All these people are going to listen to my sermon.

Helen Lovejoy:
Did Saint John worry about the crowd?

Reverend Lovejoy:
He wrote letters! Any fool can write letters!

Bart Simpson:
Dad, I don't think you're giving them what they were promised.

Homer Simpson:
The trick is to not read the comment cards.

Homer:
[gets a package that has to be sent out but returns it to Mr. Burn's office] Here's your package, Mr. Burns!

Mr. Burns:
My name is the return address! Smithers, who is this nincompoop?

Homer:
[thinking] I've worked here for 10 years and my boss doesn't even know my name! Well, that's going to change right now!

Homer:
My name is Homer J. Simp...

[Homer gets hit on the head with a weight that says 1000 Grams]

Mr. Burns:
Hm, sounded large when I ordered it. I don't think I should bother with these metric booby traps!

[the school has come into money and everyone's suggesting how to spend it]

Lunchlady Doris:
The cafeteria staff is complaining about the mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff.

Principal Skinner:
Willie, sometime over the holiday the beloved grade four gerbil, uh... "Superdude," lost his life. I need you to air out the classroom and give Superdude a proper burial.

Apu:
Where's a gun-toting lowlife when you need one?

Snake:
Sorry, I was in the can.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Aaaaaaaaaagh! I'll *kill* that Mr Burns! And wound that Mr Smithers!

Groundskeeper Willie:
Burns cost me my job at Springfield Elementary, and I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.

Mr. Burns:
Oh, it's you. What are you so happy about? [pause, then a gasp] I see. I think you'd better drop it. I said... drop it! [grunts of a struggle] Get... your... hands... off!

Marge Simpson:
Where is everyone?

[gunshot]

Superintendent Chalmers:
Why is it when I heard the word "school" and the word "exploded" I immediately thought of the word "SKINNER"?

Ralph Wiggum:
Chocolate microscopes?

[after a gunshot is heard, Burns staggers out of the alley, clutching a bleeding wound in his chest]

Jimbo Jones:
Hey, man. Are you okay?

Mr. Burns:
Won't... dignify that... with response.

[collapses on the sundial]

Mr. Burns:
Have you ever seen the sun set at 3pm?

Sea Captain:
Aye, once. When I was sailing 'round the Arctic...

Mr. Burns:
Shut up, you. Take one last look at the sun, Springfield! [activates the Sunblocker]

Mr. Burns:
Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I shall do the next best thing: block it out.

Smithers:
[over the intercom] Principal Skinner, this is a secretary. There's one more student who wishes to speak to you.

Principal Skinner:
That strange, I don't have a secretary... or an intercom, but send him in.

Mr. Burns:
[Mr. Burns enters dressed as a student] Ahoy there, dean. I understand that you're taking suggestions from students. Well, me and my fourth-form chums think it would be quite corking if you were to reinvest that money back into the local energy concern.

Principal Skinner:
[clears throat] Mr. Burns...

[Burns exclaims in shock]

Principal Skinner:
It was naive of you to think I'd mistake this town's most prominent 104-year-old man for one of my elementary school students.

Lisa Simpson:
[on the phone] Oh, no! That's awful, Mr. Puente. What? Oh, he owns the nuclear power plant. Yeah, I'd like to settle his hash, too. [hangs up the phone] Dad, how can you work for a man like Mr. Burns?

Homer:
Well, he's not all bad. He did send me this nice thank-you card.

Lisa Simpson:
Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad, this doesn't have your name on it.

[Homer looks at the card and lowers it slowly; his pupils shrink in anger]

Homer:
Kids, would you step outside for a second?

[Bart and Lisa run outside as Homer stands up]

Homer:
[inhales deeply] F...

[church organ plays a chord, birds fly away and everyone looks at the Simpson house]

Ned Flanders:
Dear Lord! That's the loudest profanity I've ever heard!

Marge Simpson:
I must say, Mr. Burns is being awfully inconsiderate - selfish, even.

Bart Simpson:
Burns needs some serious boostafazoo, right Dad?... Dad?... Homer!

Lisa Simpson:
[Bart pulls paper away to reveal Abe] [Abe, Bart Lisa all scream] Sorry, Grampa. It's just that for a second it looked like Dad had melted.

Abe Simpson:
Well, get used to it, 'cause I'm living here now. I ain't going back to the retirement home until they fish my bed out of that sinkhole.

Marge Simpson:
Strained carrots for Maggie, strained carrots for Grampa.

Abe Simpson:
[Whining] I want a bib too!

Abe Simpson:
Hey, the lamp's running away!

Bart Simpson:
That's my dog, man!

Abe Simpson:
So long, lamp.

Abe Simpson:
[Bart finds Grampa's gun] That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded.

Marge Simpson:
[Walking in] Argh! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house.

Abe Simpson:
[Marge takes the gun away] How can you have a house without a gun? What if a bear came through that door?

Marge Simpson:
I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. [Walks out]

Abe Simpson:
Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

Mayor Quimby:
People, take it easy. We're all upset about Mr. Burns' plan to, uh, block out our sun. It is time for decisive action. I have here a polite but firm letter to Mr. Burns' underlings, who with some cajoling, will pass it along to him or at least give him the gist of it.

Quimby's Aide:
[Whispers] Sir, a lot of people are stroking guns.

Mayor Quimby:
Also it has been brought to my attention that a number of you are stroking guns. Therefore I will step aside and open up the floor.

Smithers:
[Smithers, unshaven and drunk, stands up]

[Crying]

Smithers:
Mr. Burns was the closest thing I ever had to... a friend. But he fired me! And now I spend my days drinking cheap scotch and watching Comedy Central!

Doctor Hibbert:
Oh, dear God!

Smithers:
Eh, it's not that bad. I never miss Pardon My Zinger.

[Ned wraps a blanket around him]

Groundskeeper Willie:
Burns cost me my groundskeeping job at the school. And I'm too superstitious to take the one at the cemetery.

Abe Simpson:
Because of him, I lost my room, my things and my buddy's collection of old sunbathing magazines.

Crazy Old Man:
You bastard!

Moe Szyslak:
I lost my bar!

Barney Gumble:
I lost his bar!

Lisa Simpson:
He robbed the school of music!

Principal Skinner:
He robbed the school of financial security!

Tito Puente:
He robbed the school of Tito!

Homer:
He can't remember my name!

Marge Simpson:
He's causing us all to yell! [Maggie sucks her pacifier violently]

Bart Simpson:
Look what he did to my best friend! [Camera pans to Milhouse eating Cheezies] No, my dog! [Santa's Little Helper rolls in on his cart]

Mr. Burns:
[Mr. Burns enters, chuckling] Oh, those wheels are squeaking a bit. Perhaps I can sell him a little oil?

[Mrs. Krabappel is spraying air freshener in the classroom]

Bart Simpson:
Yuck! What reeks?

Nelson Muntz:
Smells like one of van Houten's.

Milhouse van Houten:
It does not!

[last lines of the episode as the Springfieldians gather to see Mr. Burns laid out on the sundial]

Patty Bouvier:
Mr. Burns has been shot.

Chief Wiggum:
Just a minute! This isn't Mr. Burns at all! It's a mask!

[Wiggum pulls on Burns' face]

Chief Wiggum:
Wait, it is Burns. [chuckles] His wrinkly skin looks like a mask.

Marge Simpson:
I don't think we'll ever know who did this. Everyone in town is a suspect.

[the camera pans across the Springfieldians and stops on Dr. Hibbert, who chuckles]

Doctor Hibbert:
Well, I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?

[Hibbert points to the camera which pulls back to reveal that he's pointing to Wiggum]

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, I'll give it a shot. I mean, it's my job, right?

[to be continued... ]

Mr. Burns:
Officers, arrest the baby.

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is going to convict a baby. Well, maybe Texas.

Kent Brockman:
Dozens of people are gunned down each day, but until now, none of them was important. I'm Kent Brockman. At 3:00 PM Friday, local autocrat C. Montgomery Burns was shot, following a tense confrontation at town hall. He was taken to a hospital where he was pronounced dead. He was then taken to a better hospital where his condition was upgraded to "alive."

Eddie:
Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe:
No.

[buzz]

Moe:
All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him.

[ding]

Eddie:
Checks out. Okay, sir. You're free to go.

Moe:
Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight.

[buzz]

Moe:
A date.

[buzz]

Moe:
Dinner with friends.

[buzz]

Moe:
Dinner alone.

[buzz]

Moe:
Watching TV alone.

[buzz]

Moe:
All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog.

[buzz]

Moe:
Sears catalog.

[ding]

Moe:
Now would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment.

[buzz]

[Smithers is at the police station after confessing to having shot Mr. Burns]

Smithers:
And when he planned to steal our sunlight, he crossed that line between everyday villainy and cartoonish super-villainy.

Dr. Colossus:
Bah! He was a rank amateur compared to... Dr. Colossus! AH-HA-HA, AH-HA-HA-HAAA...

[Laughing maniacally, he presses a button on his belt, "Colosso-Boots" and the soles of his boots extend at super speed - ramming his head into the ceiling]

Dr. Colossus:
OW!

[groans]

Dr. Colossus:
When is my lawyer coming?

Sideshow Mel:
I am Melvin Van Horn. And this is my associate, Herschel Krustofsky.

Krusty the Clown:
Hey-hey.

Sideshow Mel:
Officers, you have arrested an innocent man!

Chief Wiggum:
Really? Ah, jeez.

[Opens cell door]

Chief Wiggum:
All right, Colossus, you're free to go. But stay away from Death Mountain.

Dr. Colossus:
But all my stuff is there.

Mr. Burns:
Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I'm giving you a five percent pay cut.

Lisa:
[in Chief Wiggum's surrealistic dream, a la "Twin Peaks"] Chief Wiggum... Don't... Eat... The... Clues. [Wiggum looks down at his hand and sees he's holding a burning playing card. Lisa holds up a burning Ace] This suit burns better... Look.

Chief Wiggum:
Come again?

Lisa:
Better... look... burns suit.

Chief Wiggum:
I'm not following you.

Lisa:
Burns's suit. Burns's suit.

Chief Wiggum:
What?

Lisa:
[normal voice] Look at Burns's suit! Sheesh!

Lisa:
I don't think anyone in this family could be capable of murder.

Grampa:
You never know what people are capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a German plane. But last year, I proved myself wrong.

Chief Wiggum:
Homer Simpson, you're under arrest for attempted murder.

Homer Simpson:
D'OH!

Chief Wiggum:
Yeah, that's what they all say. They all say "d'oh".

Eddie:
[after Wiggum wakes suddenly from his surrealistic dream] I had an idea, chief. Why don't we check out the suit that Burns was wearing?

Chief Wiggum:
Did you have the same backwards-talking dream with the flaming cards?

Eddie:
...I'll drive.

Seymour Skinner:
Now, I did, I did go to the town meeting with the intention of ambushing Mr. Burns. After the meeting, I rushed to the bathroom to apply my camoflauge make-up...

[Flashback:
Skinner is standing in front of the men's room mirror]

Seymour Skinner:
Blast!

[turns around, his face is made up like a woman's]

Seymour Skinner:
I took mother's make-up kit by mistake!

[Superintendant Chalmers enters]

Superintendent Chalmers:
Oh! Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Seymour Skinner:
Superintendent Chalmers!

Superintendent Chalmers:
Oh, my God...

[outside, they hear a gunshot; cut back to the present]

Chief Wiggum:
So Superintendent Chalmers can vouch for your whereabouts?

Seymour Skinner:
Oh, yes... But anything else he tells you is a filthy lie.

Homer Simpson:
[after taking a gun from someone] Say it, Burns! Say I never shot you!

[realizes that he's about to shoot him]

Homer Simpson:
[calmly] Before.

Tito Puente:
Revenge? Of course! But why wound his body with bullets, when I can set his soul on fire with a slanderous mambo? Listen, if you will, to my revenge.

[to his orchestra]

Tito Puente:
Uno, dos, tres!

[music]

Lead Vocalist:
[singing] Wounds won't last long, but an insulting song Burns will always carry with him!/So I settle my score on the samba floor, with this vengeful Latin rhythm!/Burns!/Con el corazon de perro!/Senor Burns!/El diablo con dinero!/This may not surprise you, but all of us despise you/Please die, and fry in hell, you rotten, rich, old wretch!/Adios viejo!

[music ends]

Chief Wiggum:
[applauding] Yeah! All right, okay! I believe you're innocent. Gee, I hope all the suspects are this much fun.

Lisa:
Nancy Drew says that all a person needs to solve a mystery is an inquisitive temperament and two good friends. And I've got an inquisitive temperament. Maybe I could help solve this.

[Smithers sits in a confessional]

Smithers:
Father, I'm not a Catholic. I tried to march in the St. Patrick's day parade but... anyway, I've got a rather large sin to confess. I'm the one who... [breaks down sobbing] Who shot Mr. Burns!

[Chief Wiggum opens the screen and c*cks his pistol]

Chief Wiggum:
That's all I needed to hear. Boy, this thing works great.

Dr. Nick Riviera:
Hi everybody!

Mr. Burns:
[to the tune of "Hi Dr. Nick"] Ho-mer Simp-son!

Dr. Nick Riviera:
Okay, that was weird

Groundskeeper Willie:
I could ne'er have shot Burns. It's impossible for me to fire a pistol If you check me medical records, you'll see I have a crippling arthritis in me index fingers. [holds up his fingers, which are misshapen] I got it from space invaders in 1977.

Chief Wiggum:
Oh yeah, that was a pretty addictive video game.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Video game?!

Mr. Burns:
Smithers had thwarted my earlier attempt to take candy from a baby, but with him out of the picture, I was free to wallow in my own crapulence.

Grampa:
Smingers did it. Case closed. Now where's my hat? I'm going to the outhouse.

[leaves]

Lisa:
We don't have an outhouse.

Homer:
AH! My toolshed!

Mr. Burns:
Homer Simpson?

Homer Simpson:
So, you finally learned my name eh?

Mr. Burns:
[shaking his head] Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson:
I've got no time for your demented parlor games! You won't be telling anyone else that Homer Simpson shot you.

Eddie:
Damn fools! Drive thru's not for a-parkin!

Dr. Nick Riviera:
Hi everybody!

Mr. Burns:
Ho... mer Simp... son

Mr. Burns:
Okay?

Dr. Nick Riviera:
When you were in that coma did you feel your brain getting damaged?

Lisa:
I don't think anyone in this family is capable of attempted murder.

Grampa:
You never know what you're capable of. I never thought I could shoot down a german plane. But last year I proved myself wrong.

Bart:
Aren't we forgotting someone, sister suspect?

Lisa:
But I could never shoot someone.

Bart:
Could so.

Lisa:
Could not.

Bart:
Could so.

Lisa:
Could not.

Bart:
Could so.

Lisa:
Could not.

Nelson:
Who wants chocolate ice cream?

Bart:
D.n.a positive i.d. Those won't hold up in any court. Run, dad.

[Smithers's memory clears, and he realizes he shot Jasper, not Mr. Burns]

Smithers:
So, instead of wounding an evil old man, I may have killed an innocent old man... that's much worse!

Krusty the Clown:
About fifty thousand volts worse, if you know what I mean! [imitates the sounds of an electric chair and sizzling flesh]

Bart:
[to the Police] DNA, positive ID, those won't hold up in court. [to Homer] Run, Dad!

Chief Wiggum:
Let this be a lesson to you - kids never learn.

Lisa Simpson:
And guess who's been practicing medicine without a license?

[Dr. Hibbert nervously pulls at his sweater neck]

Lisa Simpson:
That's right. Homer Simpson.

Homer Simpson:
[far off] D'oh!

[At an Isotopes game, the pitcher blows his arm out after the first pitch]

Homer Simpson:
I'm gonna warm up the car.

Marge Simpson:
But there's only been one pitch.

Homer Simpson:
And it *sucked*.

Man with Pitchfork:
[to evil children in 'The Bloodening'] Got off my land!

Boy #1:
[mysterious British accent] Actually, we'd prefer to stay. [the man becomes frightened and holds his pitchfork up in defence]

Boy #1:
[mysterious British accent] You're thinking of hurting us.

Girl:
[mysterious British accent] Now you're thinking, 'How did they know what I was thinking?'

Boy #2:
[mysterious British accent] Now you're thinking, 'I hope that's shepherd's pie in my knickers!'

[the kids of Springfield are broadcasting adults' secrets, in order to embarrass them]

Lisa:
And, by the way, there is somebody in Springfield who's been practicing medicine without a license.

[Dr. Hibbert gulps]

Lisa:
That's right. Homer Simpson.

Homer:
D'oh!

Bart:
[In a creepy English accent] Join us tomorrow and everyday until the curfew is lifted as we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.

Homer:
Well, at least they've already done me.

Bart:
[In the same accent] And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.

Homer:
D'oh!

[Homer, Lenny, and Carl are drunk]

Lenny:
Hey, let's go to the little league diamond and drive around the bases.

Carl:
No, the Playboy Mansion. Playboy Mansion.

Homer Simpson:
Shut up. It's my car and I say we're going to the lost city of gold.

Mr. Rogers:
What do you mean I can't take off my sweater? I'M HOT!

[after Bart and Milhouse are left in charge of the comic book shop]

Milhouse:
Okay, here's Comic Book Guy's instructions: A carton of malted milk balls, one box confectioner's sugar, a can of chocolate frosting...

Bart:
That's just his shopping list.

Milhouse:
No, it's his instructions.

[Bart and Milhouse are watching a secret tape of police informants]

Ned Flanders:
I really hate to be a snitch.

Chief Wiggum:
Don't worry, your yellow-bellied ratting will be held in the strictest confidence.

Ned Flanders:
Well, in that case, my neighbor Homer released a radioactive ape into my house. It's, uh, taken over the top floor.

Bart:
It wasn't dad's fault. The ape tricked him.

Comic Book Guy:
Human contact: the final frontier.

Agnes Skinner:
Why you ill-mannered sack of crap!

Homer Simpson:
[his letter to Eduardo] Buenos d?as, Eduardo. Can you write back and tell me what that means?

Homer Simpson:
Do you have a disrespectful son who calls you by your first name?

Eduardo:
I cannot conceive of such a thing.

Bart Simpson:
Hey, Homer. Did you just fart?

Homer Simpson:
Did you just fart, sir!

Bart Simpson:
Whatever.

Principal Skinner:
They're doing it! They're self-grading.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Can't you ever say anything without sounding weird?

Principal Skinner:
The answer, sadly, is not yes.

Lisa Simpson:
I'm going to tell.

Bart Simpson:
No, you're not, because that would mean your system has failed.

Lisa Simpson:
You found a loophole! Why don't you ever apply yourself like this in your work?

Bart Simpson:
Because then I'd be the one thing I swore I'd never be: you.

Homer Simpson:
I love Bart as much as you do, Marge, except I don't.

Principal Skinner:
You're like egg salad at a picnic, Bart Simpson. Even when you look good, you know you're going bad.

Principal Skinner:
I have broken a ten-year-old's spirit. Time to reward myself with a fruit-on-the-bottom yogurt. Plain, plain, plain, plain... ooh, fruit.

Lisa Simpson:
Why don't you do what Everybody Loves Raymond did?

Krusty the Clown:
Quit while I'm still successful? That horse has left the stall, been made into glue, and used to make art projects.

Homer Simpson:
As I always say, don't get mad, get dinner. Then get even... with Skinner.

Bart Simpson:
You'll help me get revenge on Skinner?

Homer Simpson:
Yes. Now, what's Skinner's weakness?

Bart Simpson:
Everything.

Homer Simpson:
Good. We can use that.

Cletus:
We home school 'em. I teach the big ones, and the big ones teach the little ones, but nobody taught me, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.

Krusty the Klown:
I brought the greatest American composer... this guy. What's your name?

Stephen Sondheim:
Stephen Sondheim. I know you hear this all the time, but I think you're great.

Krusty the Klown:
Well, I bet you hear this a lot: You cost me an arm and a leg, so get to work!

Stephen Sondheim:
Here's the opening number.

Krusty the Klown:
Aha... Complex harmonies... Sophisticated lyrics... Pithy observations on everyday life... What is this crap! Where's the zazz? Why don't you do what you did on Cats?

Stephen Sondheim:
I didn't write Cats.

Krusty the Klown:
Oh, no! All right, I think we can save this.

Cletus:
Brandine, what are you doing here? You're suppose to be in Iraq stopping 9/11.

Andy Dick:
I'm blue collar. I'm totally blue collar. My father owns a shovel.

Bart Simpson:
So you're saying I tell people to have a cow because deep inside, I want them to have a cow.

Groundskeeper Willie:
I'll get those children dead or alive.

Principal Skinner:
Alive.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Aw, you never let Willie be Willie.

Marge Simpson:
I love these mystery novels. It's amazing how the solve the mystery before they run out of pages. James Patterson!

James Patterson:
Marge, come with me. Help me come up with nursery rhyme-themed titles for my mystery novels.

Marge Simpson:
How about Little Bo Peep?

James Patterson:
That's great! One of the clues could be her sheep.

Kid:
Hey, you're one of those funny guys on the TV with the big nose.

Krusty the Klown:
A clown?

Kid:
No, a Je...

Krusty the Klown:
Joker! That's right. And I'm not a practicing joker, so I'm not offended.

Lisa Simpson:
You haven't heard the last of this.

Superintendent Chalmers:
Well, I guess we've heard the last of this.

Lisa Simpson:
No you haven't!

Dr. Swanson:
Will we ever see each other again?

Bart Simpson:
Who knows. Anything's possible. One of this days I might have a complete psychotic breakdown.

Dr. Swanson:
I'd like that.

Principal Skinner:
Willie. Go get those kids and bring them back!

Groundskeeper Willie:
I'll bring 'em back dead or alive!

Principal Skinner:
NOT dead.

Groundskeeper Willie:
Aww, ya never let Willie be Willie!

Krusty the Klown:
Let's try this. Break into a peppy vamp.

Stephen Sondheim:
Good, and I can counterpoint it with...

Krusty the Klown:
No counterpoint! Vamp! Peppy!

Stephen Sondheim:
[Starts playing] Hey, this peppy stuff is not bad. Maybe I could do that jingle for Bosco.

Bart Simpson:
And I had this dream that my whole family was just cartoon characters, and that our success led to some crazy propaganda network called Fox News.

Lisa Simpson:
Martin Prince took my essay subject. What do I do?

Bart Simpson:
Here's what you do. Write about your dad.

Lisa Simpson:
Everyone writes about their dad.

Bart Simpson:
Sure, everyone writes about the good dads, but with our dad, it's like climbing Mount Everest. You either plant your flag at the top, or you die there frozen. Either way, hell of a show.

Lisa Simpson:
My hero isn't someone famous.

Homer Simpson:
Pfth. Loser.

Lisa Simpson:
He's never accomplished anything great.

Homer Simpson:
Pa-thetic.

Lisa Simpson:
And he's not in any history book.

Homer Simpson:
Makes me sick.

Lisa Simpson:
He's my dad.

Homer Simpson:
Bwah?

Homer Simpson:
Well, no one's ever questioned my professionalism, except at my profession.

Homer Simpson:
I would live here, if not for the fish that swims up your pee stream. That's a deal breaker.

Homer Simpson:
Well, as long as we're being brutally honest, that picture you drew of me in the third grade was far from a perfect likeness.

Lisa Simpson:
But you put it on the fridge.

Homer Simpson:
It was pity fridged!

Marge Simpson:
Oh, hi, kids. You're just in time to go to the dentist.

Bart Simpson:
Dentist? You said we were going dirt biking through the cementery.

Lisa Simpson:
Oh, Bart. You keep falling for that one every six months.

Homer Simpson:
[Carrying a dirt bike] Check it out, suckers! Marge is taking me dirt biking through the cementery.

Lisa Simpson:
No, dad. You're going to the dentist too.

Homer Simpson:
"Why the cementery?", I wondered, but my dreams were too strong.

Kent Brockman:
Earlier in this broadcast, I said a word so vile it should only be uttered by Satan himself while sitting in the toilet.

Kent Brockman:
Excuse me, did you see the six o'clock news?

Comic Book Guy:
No, I get my news from the internet, like a normal person under seventy. Farewell, dinosaur.

Krusty:
Nice work, Brockman. There are only two rules in television: Don't swear and don't whip it out. It's not rocket science!

Rod Flanders:
What are you doing, daddy?

Ned Flanders:
Imploring some people I never met to pressure a government with better things to do to punish an innocent man for doing something that nobody saw. That's what I'm doing!

Rod Flanders:
Daddy, we think you need a new mommy.

Ned Flanders:
First things first!

Marge Simpson:
I'm gonna have to run, but I don't have time to stretch my quads.

[running]

Marge Simpson:
My quads! Each stride is a nightmare!

Selma Bouvier:
We win by forfeit.

Patty Bouvier:
The sweetest win there is.

Kent Brockman:
Tonight on Smartline, our report from the Middle East will not be seen, so that we may bring you a man who bought an ice cream cone.

Homer Simpson:
That's me.

Kent Brockman:
Of course, that has nothing to do with the fact that the ice cream parlor and this station are owned by the same company, but I digress.

Homer Simpson:
Ow, my gums! It hurts so much!

Dentist #1:
But I haven't even started yet.

Homer Simpson:
I know, but a breeze from that open window is blowing into my mouth.

Homer Simpson:
I will not stay in the same house as someone from the liberal media.

Lisa Simpson:
You'll have to excuse him. He's been watching a lot of Fox News.

Homer Simpson:
Did you know that every day Mexican gays cross our borders and unplug our brain-dead ladies?

Ludacris:
I'm the enemy of cavity / Unstoppable like gravity / So brush with regularity / And you'll avoid calamity. See you in Atlanta, GA. Dirty, dirty, dirty mouth, y'all!

Marge Simpson:
Don't you just love that fresh mouth feeling?

Homer Simpson:
Who wants ice-cream?

Bart Simpson:
I can't wait to get the freshness out of my mouth.

Homer Simpson:
I'm gonna glue my mouth shut with butterscotch.

Marge Simpson:
[weakly] Oh, yay.

Mr. Burns:
Kent Brockman is threathening our ill-gotten gains.

Rich Texan:
Goldarn it! I worked hard to ill-get those gains!

Kent Brockman:
Reporters used to expose corruption and corporate greed. Now, like toothless babies, they suckle at the teat of misinformation and poop it into the diaper called the six-o'clock news.

Nelson Muntz:
Ha ha! Your distinguished career is over!

Bart:
So, what you in here for?

Gordy:
I moved here from Canada and they think I'm slow, eh.

Dot:
I fell off the jungle gym and when I woke up I was in here.

Warren:
I start fires!

Hank Scorpio:
By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country? Italy or France?

Homer:
France.

[Scorpio adjusts a giant laser cannon pointing towards the sky]

Hank Scorpio:
Heh heh heh. Nobody ever says Italy...

[Homer's family wants to move back to Springfield, but he likes his new job at Globex]

Homer:
We've got it great here. And for the first time in my life I'm actually good at my job. My team is way ahead of the weather machine and germ warfare divisions.

[Scorpio has a James Bond-style secret agent strapped to a table with a cutting laser edging up towards him]

Hank Scorpio:
Ingenious, isn't it, Mr. Bont?

Bont:
Scorpio, you're totally mad.

Hank Scorpio:
Hah. I wouldn't point fingers, you jerk.

Bont:
So, do you expect me to talk?

Hank Scorpio:
I don't expect anything from you, except to die and be a very cheap funeral.

[walks off]

Hank Scorpio:
You're gonna die now.

Hank Scorpio:
[Homer has just stopped one of Scorpio's enemies from escaping, much to his delight] When you go home tonight, there's gonna be another story on your house!

Bart:
Let me get this straight: we're behind the rest of our class and we're going to catch up to them by going slower than they are? Coo Coo! [rest of the class starts mindlessly chanting "Coo coo!", forcing the teacher to individually snap them out of it]

Homer:
[gasps] Tom Landry's hat, and it's autographed. "To Berman's Dry Cleaning. Best wishes, Tom Landry."

Bart:
Why don't you buy it?

Homer:
I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. [gasps] Guys like me! I'm a guy like me!

Hank Scorpio:
Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?

Homer:
Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.

Hank Scorpio:
Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn't I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there's four places. There's the Hammock Hut, that's on third.

Homer:
Uh-huh.

Hank Scorpio:
There's Hammocks-R-Us, that's on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.

Homer:
Mm-Hmm.

Hank Scorpio:
That's on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot... Matter of fact, they're all in the same complex; it's the hammock complex on third.

Homer:
Oh, the hammock district!

Hank Scorpio:
That's right.

Hank Scorpio:
Back to the hammocks, my friend. You know, there's a little place called Mary Ann's Hammocks. The nice thing about that place is Mary Ann gets in the hammock with you.

[laughs]

Hank Scorpio:
I'm just kidding.

Homer:
Oh.

Hank Scorpio:
You know who invented the hammock, Homer?

Homer:
No.

Hank Scorpio:
There's something for you to do: find that out.

Homer:
Uh... you have any sugar around here?

Hank Scorpio:
Sugar? Sure. [takes two handfuls of sugar out of his pockets] There you go. Sorry it's not in packages. Want some cream? [reaches back into his pockets]

Homer:
Uh... I... no.

Marge Simpson:
Mr. Scorpio, this house is almost too good for us. I keep expecting to get the bum's rush.

Hank Scorpio:
We don't have bums in our town, Marge, and if we did they wouldn't rush, they'd be allowed to go at their own pace.

Hank Scorpio:
Hey, look at my feet. You like those moccasins? Look in your closet; there's a pair for you. Don't like them? Then neither do I! [throws them out the door] Get the hell outta here! Ever see a guy say good-bye to a shoe?

Homer:
[chuckles] Yes, once.

Ned Flanders:
Uh, huh-huh... Homer, ah... About those things you borrowed from me over the years, you know, the TV trays, the power sander, the downstairs bathtub... You gonna be... needing those things in Cypress Creek?

Homer:
Yes.

Ned Flanders:
Oh. Uh...

Homer:
[coaches Flanders] Okily dokily...

Ned Flanders:
Okily dokily!

Apu:
Hello. I am not interested in buying your house, but I would like to use your rest room, flip through your magazines, rearrange your carefully shelved items and handle your food products in an unsanitary manner. Ha! Now you know how it feels! [runs off]

Homer:
Thank you. Come again!

Smithers:
What's wrong with this country? Can't a man walk down the street without being offered a job?

Hank Scorpio:
When you go home tonight, there's going to be another story on your house!

Leg-up Class Teacher:
[the Leg-Up class are playing musical chairs with about four more chairs than there are students. The teacher stops the music and they all sit down] Hooray! Everyone's a winner! [Bart groans]

Hank Scorpio:
Can't argue with the little things, it's the little things that make up life.

Hank Scorpio:
[It's Homer's first day at his new job and his Boss, Scorpio, is showing him around] You will notice, my new best friend, that we are very casual around here.

Homer:
Yes Mr.Scorpion, very casual.

Hank Scorpio:
Don't call me Mr.Scorpion. It's Mr.Scorpi*o*, but don't call me that either. Call me Hank!

4th Grade Teacher:
[On Bart's first day in his new school the teacher discovers he can't read cursive handwriting] So, you never learned cursive?

Bart:
Well, I know "hell" and "damn" and "get ben..."

4th Grade Teacher:
No, no! Cursive handwriting! Script! Do you know multiplication tables? Long division?

Bart:
I know *of* them.

4th Grade Teacher:
[Unimpressed] Hmm.

Hank Scorpio:
[Hank has just introduced Homer to the staff he will be managing] Give 'em the benefit of your years of experience.

Homer:
Don't worry, that won't take long!

Hank Scorpio:
The key to motivation is trust. Let me show you what I mean. I want you to close your eyes and fall backwards, and then I'll catch you. That's gonna show you what trust is all about. Ready?

Homer:
Gotcha! [Homer closes his eyes and prepares to fall backwards. Hank holds out his hands, ready to catch Homer]

Hank Scorpio:
Three... Two... [nearby phone rings] One second. [Homer falls backwards as Hank picks up the phone. Naturally, Homer falls straight to the ground with a loud thud]

Hank Scorpio:
[to the guy on the phone] Oh my god, guy's on the floor! [to Homer] That was a phone call! Don't chalk that up to mistrust, now.

Hank Scorpio:
[Talking on the phone, seeming more and more concerned as the conversation progresses] What happened?... When did that happen?... How much of it?... Oh my goodness, I'll be right up! [Hangs up the phone] Homer, I've gotta go, there's a problem upstairs! Somebody ate part of my lunch!

Hank Scorpio:
My butt's for sitting, not for kissing.

Man on Video:
[Video advertising Cypress Creek] Cypress Creek, where dreams come true! [Disclaimer] Your dreams may vary from those of Globex Corporation, its subsidiaries and shareholders.

Hank Scorpio:
Can't argue with the little things, it's the little things that make up life. [throws grenade, blowing up a group of soldiers]

Safety is simple as "ABC" always be careful.

Bart “You are licenced by city aren’t you Mr Plow shut up boy”

Ralph wiggium:
"I saw principal Skinner and Mrs krabappel in the closet and they were making babies and they had a baby and it looked At me"

Homer Simpson:
Now, if you will excuse me, I was supposed to be drunk an hour ago.

Shut up, Flanders!

Get bent

Ralph Wiggum- "I'm Learnding"

Ralph:
It taste like burning

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