The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Amy Schumer:
You hurt your hand in the shape of The Shocker. Like, I think that's really - that's inappropriate. Coincidence?

Amy Schumer:
I can't - your hand is so gross. Like, it's so gross to look at!

Himself - Host:
It's not gross to look at! So don't look at it though.

Amy Schumer:
Don't cover it. It's fine, it's fine.

[Jimmy and Andy are playing the game "5-Second Summaries"]

Jimmy Fallon:
Okay, here's how the game works. I have a stack of cards right here. Each card has a movie title on it. As soon as you look at the card, you have five seconds to describe the plot of the movie the best you can, and try to make me guess which movie it is.

Andy Samberg:
Okay.

Jimmy Fallon:
Okay - you can't use any words in the title, you can't say any of the actors' names.

Andy Samberg:
No actors' names, no words in the title.

Jimmy Fallon:
Just describing the plot of the movie.

Andy Samberg:
Okay.

Jimmy Fallon:
In five seconds.

Andy Samberg:
And what are we playing for?

[Jimmy looks stumped. Some audience members laugh]

Jimmy Fallon:
...Uh, ten Samburgers.

Andy Samberg:
[grinning] I think I could probably get a good deal.

Jimmy Fallon:
[excited, referring to Samberg's impersonations of Mark Zuckerberg] Ten Zuckerburgers!

Andy Samberg:
Zuckerburgers!

Jimmy Fallon:
Does he have a burger?

Andy Samberg:
[demonstrating with his hands] It would just be, like, smushed in a laptop?

[Andy begins the game of "5-Second Summaries" with five seconds on the clock. His card reads "You've Got Mail"]

Andy Samberg:
Uh, this was a relationship via the Internet. In the '90s.

Jimmy Fallon:
[frowning] Uh... "Basic Instinct"? I have no idea. I didn't see that one, either.

Andy Samberg:
If it was "Basic Instinct", I would have just gone like that.

[Andy spreads his legs wide and then crosses them]

Jimmy Fallon:
Oh, hey, whoa - alright, alright!

[Jimmy and Andy are playing "5-Second Summaries"; Jimmy chooses his card, which reads "Men in Black"]

Jimmy Fallon:
Ready? Black guy, white guy, aliens. Sunglasses. Suits.

Andy Samberg:
"Independence Day". Uh, no - "Men in Black"!

Jimmy Fallon:
[taps the bell] Yes!

Andy Samberg:
[grins at the audience] I just watched "Independence Day."

Jimmy Fallon:
Same plot. Same plot.

[Jimmy and Andy are playing "5-Second Summaries"]

Jimmy Fallon:
Now, this round, to make it a little tougher, we only have 3 seconds.

Andy Samberg:
[alarmed] Why?

Jimmy Fallon:
Yes! Because it keeps - you need to put people on the edge.

Andy Samberg:
I'm already all the way on edge!

Jimmy Fallon:
We gotta keep the *viewers*, Andy. Three seconds.

Andy Samberg:
If I was any more on edge, I'd be Bono!

[He winces at his own pun]

Andy Samberg:
Almost!

[Jimmy and Andy are playing "5-Second Summaries"]

Andy Samberg:
Here we go. Three seconds on the clock. The impossible game for burgers that will never be bought.

Jimmy Fallon:
[laughing in protest] I will; I'll buy them! I promise.

Andy Samberg:
I'm never gonna eat ten burgers! Alright, here we go.

[Andy picks up his next card, which says "Con Air"]

Andy Samberg:
[impersonating Nicolas Cage] "This plane is going down!"

Jimmy Fallon:
Nicolas Cage! Uh, sometime of one of those things, when the plane is going down. Oh, uh, uh... "Con Air"!

[They high-five]

[Jimmy and Andy are playing "5-Second Summaries"]

Jimmy Fallon:
Three seconds.

[He chooses a card which says "The Expendables", and launches into a deep-voice Sylvester Stallone impersonation]

Jimmy Fallon:
I'll tell you what, we'll, I'll get dees explosions, and...

Andy Samberg:
Uhhh... "Expendables"?

[Jimmy bursts out laughing and high-fives Andy]

Jimmy Fallon:
We're rooting for each other to win!

[Jimmy and Andy are playing the game "5-Second Summaries"]

Jimmy Fallon:
Final Round: Let's put *one* second on the clock. You gotta keep people on the edge!

Andy Samberg:
[outraged at being dropped from 5 seconds to 1] For - who is this FOR, one second on the clock?

Jimmy Fallon:
This is on the edge. You gotta keep people on the edge of their seats.

[Andy heaves a big sigh of mock disgust]

Jimmy Fallon:
Ridin' the line. You gotta ride the line sometimes, my man!

Andy Samberg:
Is it bad if they're so far on the edge of their seats that they leave?

Jimmy Fallon:
They might fall on the floor, but that's what you want!

Andy Samberg:
Alright. Mm-hm. One second.

Jimmy Fallon:
One second.

[Andy has a hand on a card but has not yet looked at it]

Andy Samberg:
If I get this, and you guess it, does that mean I get the burgers?

[Jimmy and Andy are finishing the game of "5-Second Summaries"]

[Andy picks up his last card, which reads:
"Honey, I Shrunk the Kids"]

Andy Samberg:
Uh - Honey Nut Cheerios!

Jimmy Fallon:
Honey Nut Cheerios? I'm in the Cheerios - "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids"!

[Jimmy runs around his desk to hug Andy. They have both won the game]

Billy Crystal:
[on Robin Williams] We were in Boston - it was 1988; it was, like, the second Comic Relief. And we're at the State Building with Michael Dukakis, who was the Democratic nominee to run against George Bush Sr. Right? And Mr. Dukakis was a very genteel... not a large man, very quiet, professorial-type guy. And, um, very conservative, and - and, uh, we made our speeches and, um, we were funny; Whoopi, Robin and I were, you know, pretty funny. And then Mr. Dukakis said something about Robin being out in the universe - up there, you know, right near Uranus. Well, that's...

Jimmy Fallon:
[buried face in hands, laughing] Oh, no! Does he know who he's playing with?

Billy Crystal:
That's all - that's all he had to hear.

Jimmy Fallon:
Oh, my god!

Billy Crystal:
So, he went off on: "Your anus? My anus! Our anuses! Oh, my god - whose anus is it? Oh, my - " And it - and Dukakis looked at him, and just went,

Billy Crystal:
[deadly serious] "This isn't HBO."

Jimmy Fallon:
...Wow.

Billy Crystal:
[holding hands out as if in caution] So he continued his speech, and Robin stands next to me - and as Dukakis is droning on, Robin says, "No way this mother - - wins."

Jimmy Fallon:
I wanted to say a "Hello", and a "Hi", and a hug, for all the people watching our show in Paris, and all over the world, really. Uh, what happened last Friday night changed us. And, uh, we are - we are different people than we were, uh, at 4 o'clock last Friday. Uh, those shootings, and bombings, were set out to destroy us, and destroy humanity. But guess what? It - it backfired. Because instead, those events brought us all even closer together. And, uh, the - the kernel of all this destruction became love, around the world. And, uh, I was watching the news in Sydney, and Brazil - and here in Manhattan, of course, in New York City - we're all showing our support, and we are closer now than we've ever, ever been; I can feel it. Uh, so from all of us here at The Tonight Show, our thoughts are with the families and friends of the victims, and we want to let you know that - that we believe in you, and you're doing the right thing by going outside, and eating at restaurants, and bringing your kids to the park, and going to the movies; uh, I've been watching the news all weekend, and they *are* doing it - uh, they're living their life without fear. Uh, showing us that the best way to mourn the dead is to live - uh, to live through it. You're setting a great example on how to deal with this. Uh, thank you, and thank you for watching; I hope that we can be a moment of joy through these tough times.

Ed:
Welcome to Good Burger! Home of the Good Burger! Can I take your order?

Kelly Kapowski:
Hi Zack.

Zack Morris:
Hey Kel, I can't wait, I'm so excited for the big dance.

Kelly Kapowski:
Listen, you and I have to talk. I'm pregnant. [Crowd gasps]

Zack Morris:
Time out. Well, on the downside I'll probably be grounded for life. But on the plus side, I got Kelly Kapowski pregnant. [Zack winks to the camera] Time in. Kelly, that's great!

Kelly Kapowski:
Really?

Zack Morris:
Of course! I love you, and I'll always love you. You know what we should do? We should run off to Las Vegas and get married and then we should move to a new zip code in Beverly Hills. [Crowd laughs and Kelly kisses Zack]

Jimmy Fallon:
I'm Jimmy Fallon, and I'll be your host... for now.