Undergrads

Duggler:
How many times have I told you guys: Stop telling me to go to Hell!

Rocko:
[Audio clip from Undergrads website] Nuhh, oh, hey Nitz! Don't worry, I'm not drunk... I'm just a little drunk... what? Nuhh, hey Nitz! So I went to this party tonight, and they guy at the door said like "you can't come in, you got no pants on your legs!" So I said, "so let me drink your beer!" Buuut, he wanted me to wear pants, and i got too much drink in my drunk, to pants on my put. You know? So I told him I was gonna... tell him something about two things... and how I was gonna put my fist in his ouch-place, so I got my punching face on, which I keep in a jar by the door, who was it for? This guy, punch him in the face good! Yes! So I go to punch him, but I get distracted by this fine-ass hunny hunny, and she gonna give me some of the somethin somethin... yeah yeah! So I drunk on up to her, and I say that it's time her and I hit the boyda-boyda-boyda-boyda-good-good, so then she kicks me in my thing and stuff and I fall over, so I think maybe I need some more whiskey! And it's at the party, so I gotta get pants. So I walk to my frat house, and I say "lemme in!" but that's where the party is, so could I have some pants? I need pants! I'm not drunk, you are! Where are my legs? Ahhhhhh, I'm not Spanish!

Rocko:
What are you?

Bobby Whiskey:
I'm Bobby Whiskey Rocko, and if you hang with me, you'll become funnier, smarter, and more handsomer, not that you need it. Damn, you're awesome.

Rocko:
Well, that's the nicest thing a beer induced hallucination has said to me, let us be chums.

Bobby Whiskey:
Ahhh yeah.

Nitz:
Gimpy. I need you to make me a fake ID.

Gimpy:
Ahhh!

Nitz:
Good. I'm glad to see you're not going to over-react.

Gimpy:
Why? Just because you've decided to throw caution, not to mention your liver, to the wind just so you can suck the nicotine-filled air of some local gin mill? What's next Mr. Fear and Loathing in Nitz-Vegas? Opium dens? Raves? STAR TREK CONVENTIONS?

Nitz:
I need a fake ID so I can get into a bar so I can get a hug from Kimmy. C'mon! Please! What's the worst that can happen?

Jessie:
What about you, Cal? Up for some Schnapps?

Cal:
Maybe later, Jessie-lady-guy.

Rocko:
Ugh. You drink this crap? What the hell is it?

Nitz:
Water.

Rocko:
Wah tur?

Stoner Dave:
You the dude that makes the fake I.D.'s?

Gimpy:
Yes.

Stoner Dave:
Sweet. This is the dude.

Asian:
Bobzilla. Run.

[Rocko wakes up hungover in a jail cell]

Rocko:
Ugh! Bobby?

Prisoner:
Shaddup! I'm-a-gonna make you *my* b*tch!

[Gets a whiff of Rocko's adult diaper]

Prisoner:
Ewwwww! Stinky!

[Backs away from Rocko gayly]

Mump:
The crowds are getting restless, sir.

Gimpy:
Throw them the bread.

[tosses Mump a bag of bread]

Mump:
But sir, it's almost time for our discussion salon on Queen Amidala versus Princess Leia!

Gimpy:
Throw them the bread!

Nitz:
[to Kimmy every time he sees her] Blah?

Kimmy Burton:
I'm late for my punctuality seminar.

[Rocko's cardboard fake ID]

Rocko:
I am 21 so drinking is yes.

Rocko:
The giant imaginary bottle of whiskey is with me.

Kimmy Burton:
I haven't seen you guys since this afternoon! I've missed you *so much*.

Nitz:
She's a drunken hug-fiend! And I can't do anything but watch.

Bum:
Please stop talking to yourself. You're scaring me. I am electric Jesus!

Rocko:
Must... find... cure... for... broken... body!

Jessie:
Schnapps. Sweet going down, rotten coming up.

[Fantasizing while trying to get sober]

Waiter:
Rocko, here's that giant bottle of scotch the President wanted you to drink!

Rocko:
M-m-m-m. Sober!

Waiter #2:
Rocko you have to drink this giant martini or I'll be eaten by wolves!

Rocko:
M-m-m-m. Sober!

[wolves devour the waiter]

Craig the fraternity leader:
Hey Rocko! Wanna get in the know for the hey-hey whoopie?

Cal:
Beer before liquor, get drunk quicker. Liquor before beer, you like Pam Grier!

Nitz:
You have no idea what you're talking about, do you?

Cal:
Nope. Later guy. I gotta go have my late-afternoon sex.

Cal:
Quarters are shiny.

Cal:
Im not gonna drink either.

Nitz:
Really?

Cal:
Nope. Im gonna have a Alabama slammer, guy. Drinking!

Rocko:
Hello ladies. How about some beer? Or perhaps sex? I've got my beer goggles on, I bet I look good!

Nitz:
I don't drink.

Jessie:
Why not, because it's fun?

Nitz:
I suppose that makes me uncool, right?

Jessie:
No, you pretty much had uncool wrapped up.

Nitz:
Kimmy invited me out. We're practically going on a date!

Cal:
It's like a date guy, only without privacy, romance, or sex!

Nitz:
Hrm.

Cal:
Or battery operated...

Nitz:
Is there any way you could shut up?

Cal:
Oh guy, let's not fight.

Female bouncer:
Do you have ID?

Cal:
I do, but it's in Spain.

Female bouncer:
Good enough cutie. Have a nice night!

[At 'Don't Break The Seal' night]

Drunk girl:
Excuse me, I'm extremely drunk, and very impressed by your non-urinating ways. What's your secret?

Rocko:
Uh, I couldn't possibly tell.

Bobby Whiskey:
Rocko, tell her your secret. Tell the world!

Rocko:
Okay. You want to know my secret?

People drinking:
Yeah!

[He drops his pants to reveal a foul-smelling soiled diaper]

Rocko:
You see folks? I'm wearing an adult diaper! LOVE ME!

Rocko:
Hey honey, I know we broke up in senior year, and I know I've already called you ten times tonight, but I wanted to tell you, you're a little pudding pop that I want to suck on all day.

[click]

Bobby Whiskey:
Call her back.

[Jessie' fake ID]

Nitz:
'Sylvia Rabbinowitz'?

Jessie:
The kung-fu jew.

Nitz:
So how did you get one of these?

Jessie:
Uh, you just gotta find a kid with a powerful computer and no life.

[Nitz smiles]

Nitz:
If you teach me how to drink, I can teach you how to, not to drink.

Rocko:
Oh, skid row bro.

Nitz:
Come again?

Rocko:
Like in Silence of the Lambs, I tell you something, you tell me something, skid row bro.

Nitz:
That's quid pro quo.

Rocko:
Shut up.

Rocko:
Uhh! Hell! I'm sick enough as it is! What was that crap?

Nitz:
That was orange juice.

Mump:
Sir! This madness must stop. Your men need you! I need you! Who will lead us on our amusing cyber-escapades? Who will reminds us to use the Force? Who? Who?

Gimpy:
Damn it Mump! I have a calling now! This is bigger than you or me! I am creating works of beauty!

Mump:
You're making fake IDs that allow underage kids to buy lemon flavored gin.

Gimpy:
Begone! I am creating art! God is talking to me through my fake IDs!

Mump:
Sir, I have no choice but to tender my resignation as your lackey. Good day sir.

[Hands him a paper]

Gimpy:
I can always use another signature.

Gimpy:
Here you go sir. You'll find it perfect down to every last detail. It's taken the last six hours to get the secret hologram of Warren G. Harding, but there it is.

Krueger:
F***in' A.

Gimpy:
Gah! Wait! Don't you even want to look at it! This work of art? This thing of beauty?

Krueger:
F*** that sh*t Jasper Johns, I just want a f***ing fifth of lemon flavored gin.

Gimpy:
Don't you people care? I have given my life for these! My very heart, soul! My life essence goes into these IDs! Do any of you care? Huh? Anyone?

Customer:
Uh, can you make my name be Seymour Butts?

Rocko:
Time to kick some hippy ass!

Gimpy:
Computers never make mistakes.

Computer:
Hard drive crash. Twenty seconds to meltdown.

Gimpy:
Gotta go.

Nitz:
So, uh, what's your rally for?

Kimmy Burton:
Oh, we're protesting the school for investing its money in socially irresponsible companies such as "Hey, Kid Tobacco", "Thunderhorse Wine Coolers" and the Catholic Church.

[In line at the financial aid office]

Nitz:
Tired... feet hurt... need to go to the bathroom... starving... cold... in my warm bed... watching... Battlebots... [starts dozing off]... Battlebots.

[falls asleep in line]

Cal:
I come here for quality Cal-time. I don't have to think, or... think, because no one even knows the group exists. Even the lovely ladies can't find me here.

Kimmy Burton:
You should join the Center for Campus Organizing. Then we can fight the good fight together. Side by side, day and night, night and day.

Nitz:
[thought "balloon"] Heh-heh, Kimmy Burton thinks you're an activist. You don't even like to change your socks.

Nitz:
Of course I'll join your group. We activists have to stick together.

Nitz:
[thought "balloon"] Lying putz.

[last lines]

Nitz:
I can't help but think that in some small way we partially responsible for what happened today.

Rocko:
I blame Cal. It's all his fault.

Nitz:
Cal? Why? What did he do?

Rocko:
I don't know? The guy's just a wad.

Rocko:
Die, recycling-conscious scum!

Kimmy Burton:
We are still experiencing overwhelming levels of student apathy. No matter what we do, no-one seems to care.

Rob Brody:
[Playing with a ball and paddle] Oh sorry, were you saying something?

Kimmy Burton:
I was just saying that we need a larger issue! One that people can relate to and get behind! Does anyone have any ideas?

The Duggler:
[Reading a magazine] Oh, I didn't know Jackie O Was a Pisces!

Gimpy:
I don't know who told you *doing* something was the answer. Why do you think I never leave my room?

Nitz:
Because you're a paranoid megalomaniac with deep-rooted woman issues?

Gimpy:
And severe delusions of grandeur!

Gimpy:
Nitz, look, Kimmy Burton is at your door! It's just like in your dream, except she has clothes on!

The Duggler:
Where it's at, groovy cats? Diggin' fusin' some tie behind the man's bungalows round the witching hour? A super happy gas for the masses!

Nitz:
Okay, why is the Duggler here?

Med student:
He's pretending it's still the Sixties.

Rocko:
Alright, if I'm going to be in your crappy group, then we're going to do things *I* like, like being obnoxious and destroying stuff! Understand?

Nerd #2:
Uh, is the lesson on robins over? Because if so, I missed the part about its distinctive wing markings.

Rob Brody:
We've gotten a lotta calls from a bunch of big bands looking to lend their voices to our cause. Well, more like one band really. Reg Against the Machine.

Nitz:
Rage Against the Machine?

Rob Brody:
No. *Reg* against the machine. They're a local cover band but they're really good. Well 'band' might be a bit strong. It's really just the one guy, Reg, but he multitasks instruments.

Rocko:
What are we gonna do?

JROTC members:
Shoot all the longhairs!

Rocko:
When are we gonna do it?

JROTC members:
In plenty of time to watch Iron Chef!

Cal:
Wow. I've touched the lives of so many people, guy! I'm like Roma Downey!

[Flashback of all the girls Cal has slept with]

Nitz:
All of you can go to hell!

Duggler:
How many times do I have to tell you kids to stop telling me to go to hell?

[later]

Jessie:
Hey Nitz, wanna go grab some grub?

Nitz:
No! I'm not leaving my room! It's like I don't exist on this campus. So I'm not going to bother. I'm just gonna stay in my room, and everyone else can go to hell! You hear me? All of you can go to hell!

Duggler:
I heard that!

Cal:
Why do you need to talk to Nitz so freakin' bad?

Rocko:
Well, now that you're not an idiot, I don't hate you, so nothing makes sense any more. For example, I was thinking of eating this sock puppet, because that makes as much sense as me liking you.

Gimpy:
Dammit. Those "Home Alone" movies were all a lie.

Nitz:
Stop trying to get me to leave my room. I'm not gonna let you take my identity away from me.

Gimpy:
Nitz please. The Click is falling apart. Rocko is spiraling further and further into jackassary and Cal, well, we don't even know where he is?

Nitz:
Hey, Rocko, what do you like to do more than anything else?

Rocko:
Well, I'm really enjoying punching Cal.

[fighting sounds]

Rocko:
But normally I'd say beer. Or porn. Or... punching Cal.

[punch]

Nitz:
Okay. Violent, drunken, porn-loving guy.

Cal:
Is that Nitz-guy? Tell him I [slurp] said [slurp] hi.

Rocko:
Cal says "hi." Now I gotta punch him.

Rocko:
Look, Nitz. You have to stop being "Room Guy."

Jessie:
He's right. This is the stupidest thing you've ever done. You're skipping all of your classes, you look, and smell like sheer hell...

Gimpy:
And I don't like seeing a signature character trait of mine so blatantly ripped off.

Rocko, Jessie, Gimpy:
You have to leave your room.

Rob Brody:
I've got four more finals between now and tomorrow night. Thank God I'm wasted.

Jessie:
Nitz! You're the freaking mayor.

Krueger:
Yeah. F***ing Harvey Milk.

Gimpy:
Good news Earthlings. I've broken my previous record. I spent 30 days straight in my room. My trick? Sending Mump home for Christmas in my stead.

[Mump dressed like Gimpy at the Taylor Christmas]

Mump:
Hello family! Darn that freshman 150! Ahaha!

[They stare at him]

Mump:
Give me my presents!

Gimpy:
I'm out of the will, but it's worth it.

Rocko:
So that's why I think I'm going to have to be drunk for a year straight.

Nitz:
That's a terrible idea Rocko. Then you'd be dead. And then you'd never be able to drink again.

Rocko:
You have a point.

[Gimpy types Cal's name into the internet]

Gimpy:
Oh. Oh dear. Are you sure you want to see this, Cal?

Cal:
Sure, guy! "The I Hate Cal Newsgroup". What's that?

Gimpy:
It seems to be stories of people who have come into contact with you, and hated it!

Rocko:
What's that address?

Gimpy:
After a quick search on this site, the word 'annoying' came up 12000 times.

Cal:
Uh-huh.

Gimpy:
The phrase 'stole my girlfriend' came up a stunning 45000 times!

Cal:
...'Kay.

Gimpy:
And the phrase 'drooling moron' came up...

[the connection goes out. The phone rings]

Cal:
Hello?

Gimpy:
My computer just crashed.

[Reading the newsgroup]

Cal:
"If I were Cal, I'd cover myself with honey and feed myself to those angry red ants they got in Bolivia." Wow me. Could it really be true? Could people hate us this much?

Cal:
Geez me-guy. I need to find someone who can tell me all the things that are wrong with me.

Cal:
Hey guy! Do you know anybody who can tell me all the things that are wrong with me?

Rocko:
[Stunned] Cal, I've been waiting for this day for a long, long time. I hate you Cal. I hate you so much. So very, very much.

Cal:
Guy, so do you know anybody or not?

Rocko:
[Dressed like a hot dog] It's become obvious that I've got to convince girls to pour mustard on me.

Girl 1:
Cal, you wanna come to my room and play a game of Catherine the Great and Flicka?

Cal:
Well it ain't no fun unless my homeys get some!

Girl 1:
Cal, are you okay? Don't you want to call me a nice lady and tell me you love playing horsey cause horseys are nice?

Cal:
Uh, no!

[She walks away angrily. Another girl walks up]

Girl 2:
Cal. I wanted your opinion on some outfits I just bought.

Cal:
I've got a better idea. How about we throw that crap away, you show me your jumblies, and I'll take pictures?

Gimpy:
Nitz, if you come out of your room, I'll give you some freshly baked pie!

Nitz:
No thanks.

Gimpy:
Damn it!

[Mump is dressed like Kimmy under Nitz's window]

Mump:
Oh Nitz. It's me, Kimmy Burton, the love of your life! Please come out of your room and make sweet love to me!

Nitz:
No, Mump!

Gimpy:
Damn it!

[Rocko is chewing on a stop sign]

Nitz:
Rocko, you're being a dumbass. Stop that.

Rocko:
You see! The world has gone all fiddle-faddle-foo!

Nitz:
You know what it comes down to? Rocko's a rotten friend. Just a rotten friend. He's standing right behind me, isn't he?

Kimmy:
Uh-huh.

Nitz:
2 o'clock. Meeting Kimmy at 3 o'clock... to give her a clock?

Bartender:
Get out of my bar, college boy, and I ain't Irish.

Rocko:
Well, fine. Tell me I've got to pay for my beer? I'm an American. My father fought in... some war, so...

[sees two women walking by]

Rocko:
Uhh, hello ladies. How 'bout somma some kiss on me, from my thing?

Cal:
Hey, guy. I was with this girl, and she all left me, so I was all like "I'm sad." But then you called. So now I'm happy. And I brought you generic corn chips, and stamps.

Gimpy:
Great, great. Cal. We're going to have a lot of fun. Lots of tons of fun. I have to do one little thing.

Cal:
Ohh, a squirrel. Hey, squirrely guy.

Nitz:
Hey, Rocko. Look, I've...

Rocko:
Forget it, Nitz. I get kicked out of my frat, bars, buses, bars, strip clubs, rifle ranges, bars... I should have known that you'd kick me out too.

Rocko:
Whoa whoa whoa. It's Friday night and you're not drinking? Haven't I taught you anything?

[Rocko is drunk in a flashback]

Rocko:
Nitz, remember this one thing: Fahhhbegedgabbah.

[Falls over]

Pizza Guy:
Who ordered 3 all-meat pizzas?

Nitz:
We did. Listen buddy, if you drive us to Tekerson Tech, I'll pay double for the pizzas.

Pizza Guy:
Are you guys serial killers?

Nitz:
[Hiding baseball bat] No.

Pizza Guy:
Just checking.

[Nose dripping a la Blair Witch]

Gimpy:
And I want to apologize to my mom... and Mump's mom... and my dad... and my cat... and Spiderman.

Nitz:
I learned that your friends are your friends even if you don't see eye to eye.

Gimpy:
I learned that disorder leads to chaos and cloned sheep have pretty nasty tempers.

Rocko:
I learned... stuff.

Cal:
I learned... Oh a kitty. Cute.

[last lines]

Rocko:
Hi, ladies. Can I offer you sex, in exchange for... sex?

[they pepper-spray him and run off]

Rocko:
Aww, crap.

Rita:
STUDENT! If you do not clean up this room, disconnect your weapons of mass destruction and remove that HOT PLATE you will be relocated to Walden Pond Hall!

Gimpy:
The one with only one outlet...

Rita:
PER FLOOR!

Gimpy:
Nitz, I want to send you this really cool video game emulator I programmed and configured myself, it plays all arcade games, Atari and in television, Nintendo, Dreamcast and Gameboy. But no Pokemon. It's only about six hundred thousand megabytes. But I'll zip it, ready?

Nitz:
Dear God, no!

Gimpy:
Good, here goes.

Nitz:
Isn't this your campus?

Rocko:
Naw, couldn't be.

Craig the fraternity leader:
And don't come back till Sunday!

[a beer bottle hits Rocko in the head]

Rocko:
I stand corrected.

[falls over]

Rocko:
Any chick things tonight, like those Take Off Your Nighty rallies?

Nitz:
You mean a Take Back The Night rally?

Rocko:
Yeah, tons of freakin' chicks there!

Rocko:
Don't tell anybody, but those two chicks, les-bi-onic. No men for them. Let's get some hookers.

Rocko:
Ok. Go home, then hooker.

Nitz:
No hooker.

Rocko:
Irish!

Bartender:
Get out of my bar, college boy! And I ain't Irish!

[Nitz's clock]

Gimpy:
I sent one of my men to deliver it. He should be there in... four seconds.

Nitz:
What are you talking about?

[Knock at the door]

Nerd #2:
I bring you a package from G-Prime. Use it well in our fight against the power.

[Mump has been stricken with carpal tunnel syndrome]

Doctor:
What the hell were you guys doing?

Gimpy:
Hacking into the Ben and Jerry's mainframe and changing Captain Kirk Crunch to Chocolate Chip Chewbacca.

Doctor:
...Right.

Spud:
Where is your Yoda now Gimpy? Shmuh.

Rocko:
Sweetass! It looks like I'm jerkin' my gerkin'.

Gimpy:
Don't you realize this is Star Wars vs Star Trek? A band of rebel X-Wing fighters versus... I don't know, some Star Trek crap where they save a bunch of crap lousy whales.

Gimpy:
Now, your joystick...

Rocko:
Hawhaaaahawhawhaa.

Gimpy:
Is there something funny about your joystick, Private Rocko? As I was saying, your joystick must be harnessed as the instruments of digital devastation. You must master your joystick like a fisherman masters bait.

Rocko:
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

[Doubles over]

Gimpy:
[opens a bathroom stall revealing Cal and a joystick] Private Cal! What is your major malfunction?

Cal:
Heyy guyy. I'm mastering my joystick! slurpp

[Gimpy backs slowly out of the room]

Cal:
Sorry guy! I didn't know it was your birthday. Happy birthday, guy!

Gimpy:
Cal, show Nitz Captain Joystick.

Cal:
Ok guy. Meet my joystick. I named him Captain Joystick.

Gimpy:
It's your birthday present which we were gonna give you at your party tomorrow night!

Cal:
Oh no guy, that's *my* joystick! I'm using it tomorrow night and... oh wait, I see what you're doing! Slrp. You're trickin Nitz! I don't think Nitz will go for it, guy.

Rocko:
I don't know, Nitz is kinda dumb sometimes. Maybe he'll fall for it.

Nitz:
I'm logging off now.

Rocko:
Punk-ass! Take that, bastard!

[fighting noises]

Nitz:
Are you OK?

Rocko:
Yeah. I just saw Fight Club 22 times so I've started my own group, which I call Brawl Group. Wanna join? You can be member number 2. [to himself] Number 2. Heh-heh that's not funny, eat this!

[punches himself]

Rocko:
You're weak! No *you're* weak! I'm weaker than you, I mean I'm stronger!

Rocko:
Man. What died and crawled up his ass?

Cal:
Maybe he borrowed my gerbil?

Jessie:
So, is this how you hang out with your high school friends? Just sit around and state?

Nitz:
Only on Stare-day.

Jessie:
[chuckles] Good one. We have signs of life.

[Nitz, Jessie, Rob Brody and friends at a private movie screening]

Rob Brody:
Look, you can see the boom shadow. And in this scene, that guy has his watch on. But look, now he doesn't. You see? Continuity error! Continuity error!

[Jessie groans]

Rob Brody:
NUMBAH ONE! NUMBAH ONE! I WATCH THA MOVIE GOOD!

Spud:
No. This can't be. I'm supposed to be Number 1.

Spud:
Choose your weapon on the field of honor!

Gimpy:
Broadswords! Huzzah! [Spud and Gimpy are given broadswords, but find them too heavy to duel with]

Spud:
What say revolvers, hmm? [Spud and Gimpy are given revolvers, try to duel with them like swords, and find them too heavy as well]

Gimpy:
Or, uh, karaoke duel! [takes up microphone and starts singing a Thompson Twins song] Oh-oo-oh hold me now! [is unable to keep lifting microphone and drops it]

[Rob Brody is lecturing Crougar on modern cinema]

Rob Brody:
Look into the light, Crougar. What Bob is trying to do with overlapping audio in Nashville, M*A*S*H, and to a lesser extent in Short Cuts, is...

Crougar:
[interrupting] F**k you, Brody. When the f**k did Robert Altman become "Bob?" Before or after he f***ed your mother?

[Toking up in the projector room, oblivious to the fact that he's set fire to the film reels]

Crougar:
This is some good sh*t!

Rocko:
Oh Great Gazoo. What should I do?

Gimpy:
[over Mump's two-way radio] Show some dignity, man. You're making an ass of yourself.

Rocko:
Huh?

Great Gazoo:
Show 'nuff diggity man. Keep making a jolly old ass of yourself.

[pause]

Great Gazoo:
Dum-dum.

Gimpy:
So guys, tell me. How was your first week at college? Tell me. Tell me.

Rocko:
Well, I'm this close to getting into Alpha Alpha and then I'm going to get laid like a champ. Because frat boys get the jimmy waxed 24-7.

Gimpy:
Yeah, frat guys. They're the best. Whimsical, racist, sexist, violent, drunken, frinking frat guys. Man, oh man, They are the bomb indeed.

Rocko:
So you're happy for me?

Gimpy:
NO, and I'll tell you why - You'd be a frat guy and I'm a nerd. Nerds and frat guys are mortal enemies like Jews and Arabs, Jedi and Sith, and of course, spaghetti and milk.

Rocko:
Arrest me for Alpha. Arrest me for Alpha.

Rocko:
Wieners, wieners, wieners! Put 'em in your mouth! Wieners, wieners, wieners, get it it's like my Johnson! Alpha.

Cal:
Hey guy! I love kissin' ladies! They're soft.

Gimpy:
I just lost ten good men on the field of honor. Do you know how that feels? It feels like someone made you swallow a fishing hook tied the other end to a tractor trailer and then dragged your guts from here to Las Vegas!

Parker 'Nitz' Walsh:
So, you're not up for coffee?

Gimpy:
Sure, come on over.

The Duggler:
You can call me the Duggler. Just like my dad does.

Mump:
What if I get caught, tortured or hungry?

Gimpy:
You'll be disguised as a common, ordinary, everday member of the California highway patrol. And uh, so I can keep an eye on you...

[shoves helmet and sunglasses on him]

Mump:
[falling over] Is there a camera in the helmet?

Gimpy:
No, the camera is in the sunglasses. This is just a big, big helmet.

Cal:
Here's a flyer to a mixer! Do you ladies like cheese and Boggle?

European Girls:
Yah! Yah!

Cal:
Hey sorry guy, no seats left.

European Girls:
Yah! NO.

Mark the Drama Guy:
My partner Lance, I met him my first year.

Kimmy Burton:
You mean your roommate Lance.

Mark the Drama Guy:
Sure... let's call him a roommate.

[playing Boggle]

Cal:
Hey guy, you sunk my Battleship!

Chief Justice Burger:
Wanna see my 'all-beef patty'?

[Charity hits him]

Chief Justice Burger:
[holding a burger] Aww, now who's going to help me eat this?

Gimpy:
Listen to them screaming! It's all my fault, I've killed them Artoo!

Gimpy:
You're on my side, and the dark side, like Lando Calrissian?

Rocko:
Sure Gimp. Like whatever the hell you just said.

Cal:
How do we play again?

Parker 'Nitz' Walsh:
Cal, we go through this every time.

Gimpy:
Risk is a game of global domination. Launch attacks and defend your territories by rolling six sided dice. Whoever has the highest dice roll wins. The loser loses an army.

Rocko:
[Faster] The second highest dice are matched up and whoever has the second highest dice wins. The loser loses an army. Claim a territory and move your troops.

Nitz:
[Even faster] Receive a card at the end of your turn. Trade a matched set of three for additional armies.

Cal:
I'm gonna be the banker, guys! Where do I put up my hotels?

Cal:
[playing Risk] Let's get it on b*tch, I'm attacking you in, uh, in Chinatown.

Nitz:
I don't *have* any armies in China, Cal. You're in China.

Cal:
Oh, then I'm attacking myself in Chinatown.

Parker 'Nitz' Walsh:
6 beats 4. Get the hell out of my country.

Gimpy:
[Fumes] That does it!

Parker 'Nitz' Walsh:
You are too headstrong young Gimpy. I'd thought you'd be used to losing by now.

Mump:
[through microphone] Sir, take it easy. You wouldn't want to...

Gimpy:
KAMMAKAZEE!

Mump, Nerd #2:
NOOOOOOO!

Gimpy:
[Throwing pieces] KAMMA, KAMMAKAZEE! DIE NITZ! DIE! KAMMAKAZEE!

Jessie:
You idiot! You're killing yourself too!

Parker 'Nitz' Walsh:
We'll both be spread out so thin that the only person who could possibly would be...

[camers zooms to Cal who is drooling and hopelessly tangled in his sleeping bag with a bra on his head]

Cal:
I'm the greatest! I'm the Risk champ. Hooray for everything!

Mark:
Um, Kimmy. I enjoy sucking and blowing as much as the next guy, but wouldn't this be easier with a pump?

Kimmy:
That's a fantastic idea, Mark. Take your shirt off.

Gimpy:
I would take Nitz's last man out and I'd win.

Mump:
Please tell us sir in all of your years how many glorious victories did you obtain?

Gimpy:
Well, I would always kamikaze against Nitz which resulted in my own demise and according to one of their stupid backwards little rule wiping out your own troops doesn't count as winning.

Nerd #2:
Uh no sir that counts as losing.

Gimpy:
[angry] Get him out of here. But that's all going to change and I'll do it with your help.

Carson Daly:
Why did Jennifer Love Hewitt dump me for that guy in LFO?

Girl:
Would Cal Evans, repeat Cal Evans please report to the lost-and-found for immediate SEX? Cal Evans?

Rocko:
Let me just say that I am appalled at all of you. Doing community service goes against everything a fraternity stands for. In conclusion, eat me.

Jessie:
Maybe you should double your medication.

Kimmy:
I'll put that on my to-do list.

Nitz:
Who are you talking to?

Gimpy:
Um, myself. I'm a paranoid schizophrenic.

Nitz:
I'm happy for the both of you.

Rocko:
Can I fiddle around with your toys and comic books and crap?

Gimpy:
They are *not* toys. They're collectors items.

Rocko:
What about this teddy bear?

Gimpy:
That's Snookums.

Rocko:
Uh Gimpy. I think I just deleted your entire hard drive.

Gimpy:
That's it Rocko. Don't touch another thing in this room.

[Rocko steps on Gimpy's Millenium Falcon, it bursts into flames]

Rocko:
Uh-oh.

Nitz:
Gimpy, I'm attacking you in Greenland.

Gimpy:
But what about our alliance?

Nitz:
We were going to have to break it off sooner or later.

Gimpy:
But not until after we've wiped out Cal!

Cal:
Wiped out who?

Nitz:
That's weird. It looks like the wall clock has stopped moving.

Gimpy:
That IS weird. Heh heh heh.

[Trying to bail Nitz out of the game]

Jessie:
Nitz. The President has been shot. And you are the only one in the world with his blood type.

Parker 'Nitz' Walsh:
Oh my. I must leave right away.

Rocko:
Maybe I'm tried of feeling like the odd man out all the time. It's the same way at my frat.

Gimpy:
That's because you alienate everybody Rocko. Maybe if you spent less time drinking and smashing stuff?

Rocko:
I drink and I smash because I love.

Gimpy:
Well it's annoying!

Nitz:
No, it's annoying when your friends guilt you into doing things with them.

Jessie:
No, it's annoying when someone you care about always puts you second.

Cal:
No, it's annoying when bugs fly in your nose, then when you blow your nose, you have bugs in your boogers!

Mump:
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

Gimpy:
What movie is that from?

Nerd #2:
Just tell him it's Star Wars.

Mump:
Uh, Star Wars.

Gimpy:
Excellent.

Rocko:
Sorry Craigy. Looks like I've booked up a little community service of my own.

Craig the fraternity leader:
Oh really? Doing what?

Rocko:
Playing board games with the socially challenged.

Frat boys:
Alright!

Frat boys:
Yeah, go Rocko!

Frat boys:
That's what I call making a difference!

Rocko:
Every time we play Risk, you've always got something else to do. Like that time in 8th grade...

Parker 'Nitz' Walsh:
[flashback] Come on Gimpy, hurry it up. I have to help Kimmy Burton run a bake sale.

Cal:
Wow, that was weird. Were you guys just thinking what I was thinking?

Rocko:
Uhh, I don't know. Were you thinking about Nitz's mom?

Cal:
Wow. Yeah I was, guy! That's amazing!

Gimpy:
There isn't a question we can't answer!

Rocko:
Here's one, geniuses. What's it like to kiss a girl?

Gimpy, Nitz:
Shut up.

Nitz:
Together we can answer any question.

Rocko:
I got one for you guys: What's it like to kiss a girl?

Nitz, Gimpy:
[Together]... Shut up!

[State U band plays Mickey. Nitz closes the window. Cal starts singing to himself]

Nitz:
Cal please I was up all night playing trivia with Gimpy. Cal? Cal?

Cal:
Not Cal. The Manatee and I must answer the Manatee signal.

[Cal struggles to open the window with his Manatee flippers]

Cal:
Uh, help?

Cal:
This costume gives me great power, the power to instill school spirit and make people cheer. But along with great power comes great responsibility. I'd be letting the school spirit down if I didn't go, and the school spirit is a ghost that will kill me if I disobey. Ghosts are scary, guy.

Rocko:
Central State Junior Community College just kicked your ass.

Announcer:
Wow, looks like we have a prankster wearing a t-shirt from a fictitious college.

Rocko:
That's right, dammit. Don't mess with us. We're WICKED fictitious.

Rocko:
Let me talk to Cal.

Nitz:
Rocko, you have to stop beating him up.

Rocko:
I have to, do I? Is that a challenge you and your school would be willing to settle on the field of honor with a football game?

Nitz:
Uh, no.

Rocko:
Then put him on the phone.

Cal:
Ahh, hey best buddy Rocko. Yeah I do think one more good one and it'll break. Yeah that does bleed when it gets poked. Ok guy see you soon.

Gimpy:
Look at the crowd. It kinda makes me want to...

Mump:
Pee?

Gimpy:
Please don't finish my sentences.

Gimpy:
I gotta give thanks to the big guy up in the clouds. That one's for you, Lando.

Gimpy:
I must break you. Heh. Rocky 3.

Nitz:
That's Rocky 4, Trivia Master.

Gimpy:
Damn!

Craig the fraternity leader:
Rocko, what are you doing?

Rocko:
What does it look like I'm doing? It's Saturday, and Saturday night means college football, and college football mean tailgating, and tailgating means respectable early morning drinking.

Craig the fraternity leader:
Rocko, it's Friday night, we don't have a football team, and why are you wearing a skirt?

Rocko:
Sometimes I like to feel pretty.

Cal:
Did you know that Tech sucks?

Nitz:
Gimpy goes to Tech.

Cal:
Oh yeah. Well I guess I hate my best friend.

Gimpy:
[recurring line] Oh you.

Trivia game:
In what country was baseball invented?

Gimpy:
I don't know this obscure sports trivia.

Gimpy:
Go back to your cheating husband? Are you crazy? Forty lashes with a wet noodle to you, Ann Landers!

Gimpy:
I'm gonna kick your behind all the way to the front!

Nitz:
Yeah, well your ass is grass mister!

Mump:
You don't know who you're messing with, Nitz! Team Tech is gonna reach on your ear and tear you a new nostril, after we eat your unborn children right out of you uterus!

[beat]

Mump:
Too much?

Mump:
I guess I was pretty rotten to you too, Nitz.

Nitz:
Yeah, you were.

Mump:
[Evilly] And I'd do it again.

Gimpy:
That's my boy!

Gimpy:
Come on Mump. You know you're like Wedge to my Luke Skywalker. Trusty, loyal, and you never die.

Cal:
What do you think sounds better, guy? ValerEE, or VAlerEEE?

Nitz:
[Nitz is in love with Jessie and has been trying to tell her. They are both playing a violent beat-'em-up game, and Jessie's player has pulled out Nitz's player's heart]

Jessie:
Are you letting me rip out your heart on purpose?

[Cal is playing the piano]

Cal:
Valereeee, you're the one for meeeeee, slrrrpp, I love youuuuuuu, oh Valereeeee, slrrp, when we met, we just wanted sex, but now we want more, slrrp...

Gimpy:
A girl! Can you believe it? A girl thinks she can out-hack me!

Nitz:
You don't say. Pretty soon those uppity women folk will be wanting to vote.

Cal:
Sex SEX sex...

Gimpy:
Girls are the enemy.

Rocko:
Not this one. Man she's been a bad, bad girl.

Nitz:
Rocko, are you reading Cosmo?

Rocko:
Yeah! It's a buck cheaper than Jugs, and it smells like chicks.

Cal:
Oh VAAleREEE...

Rocko:
Cal would you shut up? I'm trying to maintain my stiffy... dammit!

[flashback, the phone rings. Nitz picks it up]

Nitz:
Uhh snahh?

Cal:
Hey, guy! I got into State U! Aw we should be roommates, at college!

Nitz:
Who is this now?

Cal:
Great! See you at college roommate guy!

Nitz:
Well Gimpy, this is never easy to say, but you look like Daria.

Rocko:
Friends can do it. Thats what Cosmo says. But I don't read the articles, I just look at the pictures.

Nitz:
Let me guess. My last can of ravioli.

Cal:
Next time can you get the mini dinosaurs? I like triceratops!

Jessie:
How's Cal?

Nitz:
Give him the broken face!

Cal:
[combing his eyebrows with Nitz's toothbrush] Hey, do you think my brows are too bushy guy?

Jessie:
Pat my bunny.

Nitz:
Ok but I don't see- oooohhh, soft.

Nitz:
He can eat my ravioli... he can eat my ass!

Jessie:
If I miss another bio lab, I'm screwed.

Nitz:
[nervously] Screwed?

Jessie:
And I've got that male sexuality exam tomorrow. Can you test me tonight?

Nitz:
[more nervously] Uhh, me? Thats not really my...

Jessie:
Forte? Yeah me neither. Toss me my deodorant?

[Nitz looks and sees 'Secret - made for a woman' on it and runs out of the room]

Jessie:
You got that stomach thing again?

Nitz:
Do you know how hard it was to reunite Notes to Myself? They aren't even speaking to each other.

Mump:
Sir, we heard that you might be associating with a... *woman*! Is this true?

Gimpy:
Mump, guys, I'm not going to lie to you. I'm a robot that's been sent to replace Gimpy while he goes to secret brain school.

[they confer]

Mump:
Good enough. Give our best to Gimpy.

Gimpy:
I've never said this to anyone She-Prime, but I never want us to shut down.

Nitz:
[thinking to himself] 'Does your roommate have the hots for you?' Absolutely not! Absolutely not! Absolutely hot! Very very hot! Damn she's hot!

Rocko:
[in Nitz's head] Friends can do it. Friends can do it.

Cal:
Hey, slrp, hey, slrp, hey, slrp...

Rocko:
Gimpy, you are so PC-whipped. Wha-cha.

Gimpy:
Heh, that's good... I am not PC-whipped!

Cal:
I never noticed this birthmark on your ankle, guy!

Rocko:
Ok look. I think we're all feeling a little... premenstrual right now, but with a calcium-rich diet... a-and then there's bloating, and cramping, and nobody ever said labor was going to be easy.

[Voices in Gimpy's head as he contemplates his relationship with She-Prime]

Rocko:
PC-whipped. Wha-chh. PC whipped. Wha-chh.

Gimpy:
What do you think we should do sugarbyte? What do you think we should do sugarbyte?

Cal:
I don't say anything applicable to the current situation, guy!

Rocko:
What the hell is your problem?

Nitz:
Kimmy might not be coming back to State U next year.

Rocko:
Wah wah.

Nitz:
She's really upset dude, and she keeps calling me to talk about it, because she thinks I'm all level headed, and I like listen to her and stuff.

Rocko:
So you're a shoulder to cry on guy. That's awesome. It puts you in the perfect position to score with her.

Nitz:
What?

Rocko:
C'mon Nitz. Screw Week. Kimmy is sitting there sobbing to you about blah blah blah, she gets all emotional, emotional leads to physical and then, you know, you take advantage of her. Just like we've always talked about.

Nitz:
Rocko, I would never prey on Kimmy's vulnerability like that.

Rocko:
Sure Nitz sure, and I'd never drink lard out of a dirty ashtray for five bucks.

Brody:
Can you believe we have exams on Saturday, on Shabbat? It's outrageous! I'm not going. It's a religious thing, man.

Jessie:
Brody, you're not Jewish.

Brody:
That's not the point!

Nitz:
Why is Kimmy so upset? Why is Mark the drama guy's hand on her shoulder? Will Kimmy use this 'screw week' as an excuse to hook up with Mark?

Jessie:
The answers to these questions, and more, on next week's episode of "Who Gives A Rat's Ass".

Rocko:
Stupid gnome.

Rocko:
Yo, Craigy! Remember that time me, you, Reingold and Kagan found that goat? Damn, that was the most.

Craig the fraternity leader:
Rocko, there's no-one named Reingold or Kagan in our fraternity.

Rocko:
Oh... well I know there was me, and there was definitely a goat.

Gimpy:
Good-bye wall. I'll never forget how you held up my Star Wars posters proud and tall. Good-bye floor, thank you for not crumbling under the weight of my genius. Good-bye desk, good-bye chair, good-bye, uhh...

[looks at his bed]

Gimpy:
I don't think we've ever been formally introduced.

[Nitz sees Kimmy crying in a bedroom]

Kimmy Burton:
I um... spilled my beer there. Sorry. Oh, I'm such a screw up.

Nitz:
No, it's okay. I don't drink, so maybe I'll absorb the beer through my skin and then I'll be wasted.

[Kimmy chuckles, then resumes sobbing]

Nitz:
So, you didn't get called back for next year, huh?

Kimmy Burton:
No, I did. I aced my audition.

Nitz:
So why are you crying?

Kimmy Burton:
Because Mark, the guy I've had a crush on for two years, he's... [sniff] he's... [sniff] oh, look.

[sees Mark and Lance French-kissing each other]

Nitz:
He's GAY?

[thought "balloon" of Nitz celebrating wildly]

[last lines]

Jessie:
You son of a b*tch. You left me alone at the party and ditched me to hook up with Kimmy who was so drunk. Do think she's dating you now? That she's in love with you now?

Nitz:
I...

Jessie:
Shut up. God I can't believe I let you b*tch and moan to me about everything, and not once, *not once* did you ever get the idea that I might have been doing it for a reason. Haven't you learned anything this whole year about *anything*?

Crougar:
F*** this college sh*t. I'm gonna join the f***in' Peace Corps so I can smoke some of that tropical sh*t and f*** some third world chick's ass all night long.

Craig the fraternity leader:
Listen Rocko, I'm sure this doesn't come as a surprise to you, but we don't like you. In fact, we hate you. I don't know why we let you in the fraternity in the first place.

Rocko:
Well, I don't know why, all of you, let a bunch of brothers like, all of you, in this frat either.

Mump:
How's the packing going?

Gimpy:
Packing? I'm not packing. I'm building a life-size replica of the Death Star. You know when this battle station is fully operational...

Mump:
Uh sir, we have to move in three days. The school year is almost over.

Gimpy:
Then we will double our efforts!

Mump:
No really sir. We have to move.

Gimpy:
The Emperor is coming here?

Mump:
Sir?

Gimpy:
[In an alien language] Jabba's put a price on your head so large, every bounty hunter in the galaxy...

Mump:
Stop quoting Star Wars.

Gimpy:
The little round guy is right. I'm going to have to leave my room!

[Lowers his welding mask]

Gimpy:
But with the blast shield down I can't even see! How am I supposed to fight? Myeh.

Rocko:
Why don't we all live together next year?

Nitz:
Wow Rocko, that's actually a great idea.

Rocko:
Meh, law of averages.

The Duggler:
RA's don't have time for friends... that's what I keep telling myself.

Brody:
I feel like I haven't opened a book or seen the inside of a classroom all year.

Rocko:
Well, you're my last hope man. Wanna shack up?

Bobby Whiskey:
Well Rocko, I am flattered, but I'm an alcohol induced hallucination.

Rocko:
Damn it! What am I gonna do?

Bobby Whiskey:
Well, you could get drunk. Ahh yeah.

Nitz:
What's up with all the socks on the doors?

Cal:
Don't you know anything guy? You put a sock on your door when you're having sex so your roommate doesn't walk in on you.

Nitz:
Hey wait a minute, why don't you ever put a sock on our door?

Cal:
I don't wear socks, guy!

Nitz:
So all of these people are having sex right now?

Cal:
M-hmm.

[Nitz gasps as he sees a sock on the Duggler's door]

Nitz:
Even the Duggler is getting it on? Stupid Screw Week!

Cal:
[Nitz walks away, Cal knocks on the Duggler's door] Hey guy, I'm ready to start my RA training!

The Duggler:
Super! Lesson 1, the doorknob is the best place to dry your laundry.

[Rocko is looking for a roommate]

Charity:
Wait, aren't you that guy that I dated, for like, two days?

Rocko:
Yeah, and you never put out.

Crougar:
We are so f***ing ready to study. Bust out those textbooks.

Brody:
Textbooks?

[pause]

Crougar:
I f***ing hate you, Brody.

Gimpy:
So my precious R.A. doesn't think that I have the testosterone to go out and do a few silly little pranks. Well, I'll show her just how wrong she is. By organizing you men to do the pranks for me. But to make her think that this is the work of one, you will all need to look alike.

Nerd #1:
[has a huge nose] I fully accept that this mission may involve plastic surgery sir.

Gimpy:
Duly noted. But what's needed here is a disguise. Let's see what we're working with.

Rita the R.A.:
[shouts] Students! What the hell is going on here?

Gimpy:
I'm giving away all of my clothes. Since I never leave my room.

Rita the R.A.:
Okay, girls. Carry on with the dress-up fun.

Gimpy:
[seething] We'll show that girl who's a man and who's a girl.

Nerd #2:
[wearing a dress] Yeah!

Rocko:
What the hell are you doing?

Nitz:
I'm trying to lose weight for the Exposed Expo but the diet Gimpy sent me doesn't seem to be working.

Rocko:
That's because diets are for chicks chief. Men go to the gym.

Rita, the R.A.:
The reckless traditions week actions of this G-Prime have gone on long enough. G-Prime will be expelled to set an example. But who is G-Prime? I have a composite image from various sightings. If no-one will come forward all will be punished with 1/3 of a mark off for mid-terms.

Gimpy:
Oh, crap.

Mump:
I am G-Prime.

Rita, the R.A.:
Ah-ha!

Nerd #1:
I am G-Prime!

Student:
I am G-Prime!

Student:
I am Sparticus.

Mump, Nerd #1, Nerd #2:
[chanting] G-Prime!

Gimpy:
They aren't covering for me. They're trying to take credit for being G-Prime!

Rocko:
Aaaagghh. Oh God, I saw his member. I saw Cal's member! And... I don't care. I'M NOT GAY!

Mark:
And I'm not straight. Huzzah!

Dreamlike Sequence:
[Imagining his grave] Nitz Walsh: HE NEVER DID SQUAT.

Nitz:
No I will do squat. I will. Starting with the Double Expo.

Cal:
Isn't it amazing how different hands look when they're naked?

Nitz:
Kimmy said she's going to see me in the exposed expo.

Cal:
Well, she's going to see a lot of you. You're putting on the freshmen fifteen, guy!

[Nitz stammers, has a flashback of all the huge meals he's eaten in the episode, and then drops a jar of olives that he realizes he's eating]

Nitz:
Aww crap.

Rita, the R.A.:
SOMETHING'S GOING ON, STUDENT! How come you're naked? And sweaty... and... and... and naked?

Gimpy:
I told you, I gave away most of my clothes. And since I never leave my room, I can't exactly go out to the laundry. And do you have a problem with my sweaty manhood?

Student:
G-Prime is pranking State U, and I am still Spartacus.

Rita, the R.A.:
GIMPY.

Gimpy:
The device I implanted on Rita's neck. It's going off meaning Rita is heading for my room.

[Rocko had a gay dream about Cal]

Rocko:
Traditions rock, and at my college we've got an awesome one. Getting stinkin drunk and going to the double expo to take pictures of naked freshman chicks. You hear me, Cal? That's what I'm into. Naked. Chicks.

Rita:
I'm making sure none of my students participate. Although I don't expect any trouble from a shut-in like you.

Gimpy:
I'll thank you not to mock my lifestyle choices.

Mump:
[carrying an IV] It's here! At long last the nightmare of leaving your room to eat is over sir!

Rita:
Fine. Enjoy your dinner, bubble-boy.

Gimpy:
[grumbles]

Rocko:
Wussy! You're weak! Christopher Reeve could kick this guy's ass!

Cal:
Hey, guy! Don't I look really naked in my naked t-shirt?

Gimpy:
Hey Nitz! What's up?

Nitz:
Well let's see? Rocko had a homoerotic dream about Cal, I've got a huge ass, the exposed expo is ruining my life. I just wanted to b*tch with a fellow traditions hater that...

Gimpy:
Great news. I'm the traditions master of Teckerson Tech.

Nitz:
What?

Gimpy:
Well I arranged for...

Mump:
We are at your coronation Tradition master.

Nitz:
Don't let me interrupt "Tradition Master."

Gimpy:
So, I hear we're going to have a new "Traditions Week" prank master. What's his name? Optimus Prime?

Rita, the R.A.:
G-Prime.

Gimpy:
Ah, yes, G-Prime. He sounds like a real verile, all-man, manly man to me...

Rita, the R.A.:
He's a stumpy runt! And when I catch him he will be so dead!

[calmer]

Rita, the R.A.:
Just make sure you stay on the straight and narrow.

Gimpy:
[one of Gimpy's men carrying a goat behind Rita] Okay, I'll just keep doing what I'm doing.

Gimpy:
I'll email you the Nusbaum diet. It works in six days. Callista Flockheart was only on it for five.

The Dougler:
You know, I've got an automatic pencil and the led never breaks. The Dougler! Once at McDonalds I got a happy meal and there were *two* prizes inside. The Dougler! When I take a shower, I *always* wear flip flops. The Dougler!

[last lines]

Nitz:
Well, it didn't last long, and it wasn't exactly fun, but I guess it's better to be humiliated sometimes than never try anything.

Jessie:
You know, that's exactly my attitude towards sex.

Cal:
What does 'pro-mis-cue-ous' mean?

Nitz:
People who sleep with lots of people, Cal.

Cal:
Oh phew, guy. Good thing I never sleep with any of my lady friends! We just play a little game I like to call 'unprotected sex'.

Cal:
Be extra virginal. Be extra virginal.

Rocko:
Shut up Cal's voice in my head.

Cal:
Okay. Sorry guy.

Nitz:
Kimmy showed me how to properly put on a condom. Where's the banana?

Rocko:
I ate it.

Nitz:
There was a condom on it.

[Putting on a date-rape skit]

Rocko:
Well. Here we are. Insert actress's name. Would you like to come up to my room?

Blonde:
I don't know. I don't really know you!

Rocko:
You know I've got a futon and a boner! What more do you need?

Duggler:
Freeze! Now what's going on here? What should... Rocko! I said freeze!

Rocko:
But I haven't even copped a feel yet! What kind of crappy date-rape is this?

Stoner Dave:
"How to Seduce a Woman"? No way, man! Are you on the skunk-weed? This isn't how you do it, bro!

Nitz:
Well then how am I supposed to learn?

[Dave picks up a stack of videos]

Stoner Dave:
"Chocolate Trouble", "Sweet Lady Cane", "Fists of Dynamite", "Lips of Love", "Sir Pimps-A-Lot", and my personal favorite, "Black Jackson", mutha!

[after a floor meeting about campus sexual activity]

Jessie:
Like anyone would want to ask The Duggler about sex. My mom talks about sex more maturely. And she uses words like "pee-pee" and "bunny-hole."

Nurse:
In order to get properly tested, we ask that you abstain from having sex.

Cal:
For a whole HOUR?

Nurse:
No, for a couple of days.

Cal:
Oh phew, you scared me for a second.

Duggler:
I've read all of the pamphlets thoroughly so if you have any questions my door is always opened.

Rocko:
I've got a question. Why are you such a wad?

Duggler:
[Short pause] I do not hear you, I do not see you, I will not let you get into the Duggler's head with your bring-downs.

Jessie:
Rocko had a girlfriend? Was she mentally challenged or like a man or something?

[Rocko scowls at her]

Jessie:
Okay, for the sake of conversation, let's say your ex wasn't a total whack-job. Why did you break up?

Rocko:
It's sorta complicated.

[flashback to prom]

Rocko:
Uh, I know it's prom and all, buuut... I'm breaking up with you so I can get laid by tons of chicks when I go to college. Oh yeah, happy birthday!

[Watching the porn videos]

Tyrie:
Watch your ass, Chocolate!

Chocolate:
Ooh, what's the matter, Tyrie? You not man enough to watch it for me?

[More people sit down and start watching]

Woman:
I got your number, Black Jackson!

Jackson:
Ding! Now serving 28 baby, and 1 size does fit all!

[the room begins to fill]

Sir Pimps-A-Lot:
I ain't neva see that slut in my life!

Chocolate:
Well maybe this will refresh your memory, Pimps-a-lot!

[zipping noise]

Nitz:
Man. That Chocolate Sauce is nothin but sweet-ass trouble.

Stoner Dave:
Oh yeah, you got that right.

[watching X-files]

Cal:
Sexy Miss Scully. I wonder if she ever had gonorrhea?

Cal:
I won't let you do it, best-pal-guy! I won't let you throw away your life for sex!

Nitz:
Move upside and let the man come through.

Cal:
Okay. Watch out for DVDs, guy.

Cal:
And while you're doing that, I'm going to go have sex.

Cal:
Later guy. I gotta go have my late-afternoon sex.

Nitz:
She's so pure and good. Don't you see, she's like the Virgin Kimmy!

Rocko:
Stop talking all this virgin crap and help me find a slut.

Gimpy:
Why aren't you guys looking at my Scully screensaver? Look at it! Look at it!

Nitz:
We've seen it, Gimpy.

Gimpy:
But only with your eyes, and not your heart.

Gimpy:
After days of researching, cross-referencing, being in the most hardcore of hardcore chatrooms, seeing things no man should ever see, I have proven that Mulder and Scully never slept together, not before, not during, not after any of the X-Files episodes or movies.

Nitz:
Well, what about that episode where Fox hooks up with Scully on that ocean liner in that alternate dimension?

Gimpy:
[infuriated] Alternate dimensions don't count!

Rocko:
I'm not even a virgin. I just said that to get into your pants!

Nitz:
I must find out about women. What makes them tick. Their likes and dislikes. And how to make sweet, sweet love to them all night long.

Gimpy:
The hell?

Nitz:
A kiss on the cheek from Kimmy Burton is worth a thousand nights in the sack with any other girl.

Cal:
Even...

Nitz:
Yes Cal. Even Rosie O'Donnell.

Rocko:
So, wanna have sex?

Jessie:
You tried that one yesterday, Einstein.

Rocko:
Oh sorry. All chicks look alike to me.

Rocko:
Well, gotta go pick up my b*tch for another date.

Rocko:
[Drunk on the phone] So, I think we should get back together. Dumping you was a big mistake. A big, big...

[Takes a swig of some liquor, belches]

Rocko:
Oh you're so friggin' sexy. You have the rounded, sweetest, most incredible...

The Ex's Mom:
[Sound of a phone being picked up] Rocko? Why are you calling my daughter at this hour? Do you have any idea what time it is?

Rocko:
No. Do you?

The Ex's Mom:
Whatever you have to tell her can certainly wait until this weekend when she's down there visiting State U.

The Ex:
Mom, hang up the phone! Hang up! Rocko, are you high?

Rocko:
Depends on what you're wearing.

The Ex:
Stop calling me and leaving drunk messages on my machine, jackass!

Rocko:
[She hangs up. Rocko calls her back] Uhh, could you put your mom back on the phone? She sounded kinda sexy.

Cal:
Thanks for coming to the health center with me while I get tested best buddy.

Nitz:
Yeah well, anything to stop you from quoting STD pamphlets in your sleep.

Rocko:
[at sperm bank] While I was doing the form I filled up... let's see 1, 2, 3... 8 cups.

Nurse:
I'm sorry sir, but we don't accept donations made in the lobby.

Rocko:
DAMN IT! It's gonna take me another... okay I'm ready.

Rocko:
I have to pay for my cigarettes? What is this? Communism?

Girl:
I love ya, Cal, but this will never work. You can't even figure out how to get my bra undone.

Gimpy:
They've raised the price of Star Wars Cloud City multi packs. How will I finish my Han Solo Frozen In Carbonite diorama?

Nitz:
Can't you use these droids?

Gimpy:
Those are Jabba droids.

Nitz:
Hey, guys. My parents gave me a credit card.

Cal:
That's great guy. So which end do you insert into the bra?

Studious Dave:
Work study is our generation's Vietnam.

Nitz:
Are you... talking... words?

Nitz:
What are credit cards for, if not downloading fake naked pictures of Jennifer Love Hewitt?

Rocko:
What's fake? Those are implants?

Nitz:
Wow. Vintage 77 standies, mint condition, $35?

Cashier:
Those droids will serve you well.

Nitz:
Yeah. It will mean no more spending for the rest of the month but my friends will understand.

Cashier:
Friends? That must be nice.

[At a Jewish restaurant]

Rocko:
Hillel, huh? What the hillel is up with this place?

[Everyone turns and glares at him]

Rocko:
What?

Cal:
I love theme restaurants, guy!

Nitz:
See! This is free, and this is fun. You hungry?

Rocko:
Yeah. I'm gonna get me the babyback ribs!

[Everyone turns and glares at him]

Rocko:
Stop looking at me!

Nitz:
Well, guys, it's free.

Cal:
Free enema? I didn't even know he was in jail guy.

Nitz, Rocko:
Okay let's call it a night.

[Rocko groans and zips up his jeans]

Nurse:
You get points for honesty, but we only accept sperm donors from lead institutions: Harvard, MIT, Tekerson Tech...

Rocko:
Tekerson Tech. That gives me an idea!

[later]

Rocko:
Gimpy, can I jerk off in your room?

Gimpy:
Rocko, what do I say every time you ask that?

Rocko:
[Nitz tries to leave his job amicably, but Rocko interrupts] He ain't working for the man no more. So screw you... with some sexual harassment on top. In your face!

Female 'john':
I promise I'll start paying you again once I get back on my feet.

Cal:
I don't want you on your feet, lady. I want you on your back.

Nitz:
[talking to his Mom on the phone] Mom, I've decided I don't need the card.

Rocko:
No, dude, you're blowing it. Try something like "Let me keep the card", or "Give money to Rocko".

Nitz:
[talking to his Dad on the phone] No... I'm not on 'the drugs'... now put Mom back on the phone.

[after Nitz buys mint condition 1977 standies of R2-D2 and C-3PO]

Rocko:
Well, it's not like you were gonna get laid anyway.