Viva la Bam

Bam Margera:
Merry Christmas, ya little yerks!

Bam's Uncle:
What are you? Retarded or something?

Bam's Uncle:
Do you wanna die or do ya wanna live? Live or die?

Bam Margera:
Don't be a p*ssy Phil.

[from the opening creditd]

Announcer:
Bam Margera. What will he do next?

Bam Margera:
Whatever the f*** I want.

Bam Margera:
What country are we in?

Bam's Uncle:
Switzer-Land Bam.

Bam Margera:
And what are ya wearing?

Bam's Uncle:
The Liederhosen you gave me.

Bam Margera:
Looks like we're ready for Monaco. Ready to go outside?

Bam's Uncle:
Yeah Bam I just wanna go to the beach.

Bam Margera:
Do you know the rules of Monaco?

Bam's Uncle:
Naw they got stupid rules...

Bam Margera:
You cant talk loud.

Bam's Uncle:
...itza stupid kazixta stupid country, datzall i know.

Bam Margera:
-whispering- Whisper.

Bam's Uncle:
Whisper What?

Bam Margera:
-whispering- Whisper, Shhhhh.

Bam's Uncle:
What whisper then we'll get outta this town, and I can get outta this suit if I whisper?

Bam Margera:
-whispering- Yes whisper.

Bam's Uncle:
-whispering- I'll whisper lets go... I hate Monaco... Pistachio... Pistachio.

Bam's Crew:
How are we going to spot 'em?

Bam's Crew:
Are you kidding? We're looking for Phil. He's not too hard to pick out.

Bam's Crew:
He's like the size of three Frenchmen!

Bam Margera:
Is that all you do is b*tch?

Bam's Mom:
I b*tch because you're my*son*!

Bam's Mom:
Bam! Your friends just buried my car in snow!

Bam Margera:
They're not my friends.

Tim O'Conner:
[while in France] Don't look American!

Bam's Dad:
What the hell are you doing here?

Oderus:
I couldn't sleep upstairs, it frightens me!

Bam's Dad:
But your friends are there, doesn't that make you...

Oderus:
[shouts] They're not my friends!

Bam's Mom:
Oh, my God! This is just like the Exorcist.

Tim O'Conner:
[Repeated] Oh, my God!

Bam Margera:
Where are you going?

Bam's Mom:
Paris. I've been telling you guys for three weeks! We're going for our anniversary

Bam's Crew:
I wasn't listening

Bam Margera:
Neither was I

Bam's Dad:
[after April kisses Bam goodbye] If she kisses you, I can kiss you. I hope you know that. Bye Bye. [Tries to kiss Bam]

Bam Margera:
Ew! Get away!

Bam's Dad:
When she kisses I kiss

Bam's Crew:
This guy's not even in France yet, and already he's acting all weird

Bam's Crew:
H.R Kissnshit!

Bam's Uncle:
[Repeated] Yo!

Bam's Uncle:
I wanna get leaning leaning tower of pizza and I'll be happy

Bam Margera:
The Leaning Tower of what?

Bam's Uncle:
Pizza

Bam Margera:
Spell It

Bam's Uncle:
P-I-Z-Z-A. Pizza. It's like a spelling bee you know. Pizza.

Bam Margera:
Vito the whole world is laughing at you right now

Bam's Uncle:
No they're not Bam. That's how you spell pizza. P-I-Z-Z-A.

Bam Margera:
Yeah, that's how you spell "pizza" it's not The Leaning Tower of pizza, jackass!

Bam's Uncle:
That's where it came from, Bam, Italy. You don't know nothing abou Italy.

Bam Margera:
[Hangs head laughing]

Bam's Uncle:
Italy's shaped like a boot for a reason... so they can stick it up your ass.

Bam's Uncle:
[In Pisa, Italy] The whole goddamn city is named after pizza

Bam Margera:
It's Pisa

Bam Margera:
Yeah, but that's "pizza" in Italian

Himself - Bam's Crew:
[after he trash a bakery and April tells him off] You're insane!

Tow-truck Driver:
Shut the truck off!

Himself - Bam's Crew:
"Shut the f*** up"?

Bam's Crew:
[after putting frogs in Bam's tent] I guess he didn't find his prince. Maybe he should have kissed one.

Police Officer:
Don't do anything stupid

Bam Margera:
I wasn't planning on it

Police Officer:
Good... 'cause I'll arrest your ass!

Himself - Bam's Crew:
It's f***ing called Gobbler's Knob? Hey, Rake it's your favourite place.

Bam's Crew:
[Sitting in bath full of cocoa and marshmellows] This is kind of nice

Bam's Dad:
Turned out alright didn't it?

Bam's Crew:
Yeah

Bam's Dad:
It's comfortable in here!

Bam's Mom:
[after Bam and friends fill April's car with snow] I'm gonna have to call a cab

Bam Margera:
There is no cab companies in West Chester

Bam's Mom:
I'm gonna call the Purple Cab Company

Bam's Crew:
I've never heard of Purple Cab. There's only Rainbow Cab.

Bam's Mom:
[Few moments later April drives up the drive in Bam's purple Lambo] -in mocking tone- "There's no Purple Cab company"

Bam Margera:
[Everybody laughing] Get out of that!

Bam Margera:
[Bam chases the car for a moment as April drives away] I was gonna throw a snowball at it but then I remembered it was mine!

Bam Margera:
Dico, you coming to Mexico?

Himself - Bam's Crew:
No, all the video games suck ther. What am I gonna play, Outre Kombat? El Street Fight Grande?

Bam Margera:
Well if Bran and Rake aren't going then I gotta call my friends, The Dudesons!

Bam's Crew:
That one guy doesn't shut the hell up. Please don't call!

Jarpi:
[Jarpi is jabbering away in Finnish]

Bam Margera:
He just said every Finnish word in the f***ing dictionary in a matter of five minutes

Bam Margera:
[turns to Jarpi] All right. All right, enough. No more Finland talk!

Colin Morrison:
[drives his bike through a glass door in the house]

Bam's Mom:
Am I the only normal one here?

Bam's Uncle:
No, Ape, I'm normal.

Bam's Mom:
Oh, God! You're so not normal!

Himself - Bam's Crew:
There's a filthy virus that grows in this room, and it's called lying-itis!

Himself - Bam's Crew:
And I didn't take it, because a man with no hair couldn't take it possibly!

George Ex CIA opperative:
Friend, you ever have a polygraph before?

Brandon Novak:
Yes

George Ex CIA opperative:
Did you? How'd you do? Really good, I bet.

Brandon Novak:
Uh... I got six months. [everybody laughs]

Himself - Bam's Crew:
Have you ever had a boyfriend?

Bam's Crew:
No [polygraph machine says he is lying]

Himself - Bam's Crew:
Hey, Lady, do you like my surveillance table? It's the damndest.

Himself - Bam's Crew:
Veal Scaloppini rhymes with Lamborghini. And they're both Italian!

Jimmy Pop:
[talking to Bam about polygraph machines] Oh, come on. Those don't work. Can I kiss you?

Jimmy Pop:
Have you ever tried calling you? I called you like 17 times. And I even left messages, and I even say dirty things on it to think that will make you mad and all fired up, and you'll call me.

Jared 'Evil' Hasselhoff:
Don't worry. We can fix this. My dad's a tv repairman. He's got the ultimate set of tools.

Bam Margera:
Row your boat!

Bam's Uncle:
Row my boat where? Gently down the stream?

Bam's Crew:
We just had to carry with fat Vito...

Bam's Crew:
[kisses Raab]

Bam's Crew:
That makes it all better

Oderus:
[shouts] Where is Bam Bam?

[after Vito made Bams Hummer drive off that cliff thing]

Bam Margera:
Vito... I'm proud of you! You thought this all through!

Bam's Uncle:
Best Germany ever.

Bam Margera:
I took H.I.M.'s tour bus!

Bam's Uncle:
I'm gonna kill your plane, you watch!

Johnny Knoxville:
Jesus, That's... That is so hateful...!

Bam's Uncle:
Come near me again, I'll kill ya.

Himself - Bam's Crew:
Don Vito is so fat, his blood consists of mayonnaise.

Bam's Crew:
You can't give me one snap.

Himself - Bam's Crew:
The food train has arrived, sire. Who ordered a side of style? At home, we call this "portions galore"! Enjoy.

Bam Margera:
Vito, you're borderline fat.

Bam's Mom:
Go ahead... hit me with the mustard.

Bam's Uncle:
[throws mustard at her] I told you it was gonna happen.

Bam's Uncle:
[april hits vito] Yo!

Bam's Uncle:
[bam pours water over april's head] Aahhahaha I Love It!

Bam's Mom:
So where's my PT Cruiser?

Himself - Bam's Crew:
It's parked terrifically for PT.

Bam's Dad:
You're in trouble.

Bam's Mom:
Yeah. I know I'm in trouble.

Bam Margera:
I thought of new hole.

Bam's Crew:
What?

Bam Margera:
My foot up Rabb's a**hole!

Bam Margera:
We're packin' up all out s**t, and we're bailin' out.

Bam Margera:
Now, we're bailin' out to the new house.

Bam Margera:
This isn't Disney World. You're in Bam World now.

Bam's Mom:
You know, you're lucky that you're *my* kid.

Bam Margera:
Why?

Bam's Mom:
Because if you weren't my kid, I would kill you.

Bam Margera:
New house, new rules!

Bam's Crew:
[to Bam] You suck as a son!

Bam's Mom:
Don't you feel good doing community service?

Bam's Uncle:
No I don't. I'd rather be at home watching Columbo.

Bam Margera:
[preparing to plant trees at a retirement home] These trees and these old people have one thing in common - they're both going in the ground soon!

Bam's Dad:
We went to the skatepark and gave away all your clothes to the kids.

Bam Margera:
You're too FAT to give away clothes!

Bam's Uncle:
You guys are a bunch of Vulcan idiots.

Bam's Uncle:
He's got no tiddly just joogle, you can't just goat duggle. Hammer and nail and hammer, something and expect it to grow! Beglat you've got these idiots... Sitting hernwhaga ehhhm, just sitting glawhahwaglahhh. What they're doing!

Himself - Bam's Crew:
[whilst trying to find a date for Don Vito, shows a picture to some ladies] Having sex with him would be like a threesome every time

Bam Margera:
This is where the montage starts.

Bam Margera:
Vito's finally number one but he's driving a car full of number two!

Bam's Crew:
It aint gonna happen.

Bam Margera:
Wanna bet, ass-whipe?

Bam's Mom:
Shouldn't you be testing the suit for flammability?

Himself - Carpenter:
Good call. Next test!

Bam Margera:
[on beach in Mexico] Yo Raab. What's this sweet beach remind you of?

Bam's Crew:
Delaware River, dude.

Bam Margera:
[standing with Raab in Mexico facing the ocean] Raab, what's this remind you of man?

Bam's Crew:
The Delaware River dude

Bam's Dad:
Well, you know what, you're probably hungry. I'll just see if you can eat.

Bam's Crew:
You'll just watch me eat it?

Bam's Dad:
You'll drop something.

Bam's Dad:
If Elvis was alive, we'd get something from Elvis... but he's dead."

Himself - Carpenter:
First of all, lemme thank you for leaving me Dico! Yeah, he's been a real help. Next time, could you please leave me with someone who can read a tape measure?

Bam's Crew:
You just don't go in the Playboy Mansion!

Bam's Uncle:
YESHU DO! When ya're got a 20 year perscription they let you in!

Himself - Carpenter:
[to Don Vito] You gotta get psyched!

Bam Margera:
What should we do to to them?

Brandon Dicamillo:
To get back at them? I don't know. Take 'em out and buy 'em ice cream and a CD or something.

Bam Margera:
What should we do to them?

Brandon Dicamillo:
To get back at them? I don't know. Take 'em out and buy 'em ice cream and a CD or something.

Johnny Knoxville:
[after seeing the marquee with Johnny Knoxville's Phone number] Ha ha ha! Why did I know that was going to happen?

Bam Margera:
[after Knoxville's 'Sudsen Death' prank] How do I pay him back for this?

Brandon Dicamillo:
[loving the prank] How do you pay him back? With an ice cream and a CD.

Bam's Mom:
Bam your friends made a whole snowman out of my car.

Bam Margera:
There not my friends.

Bam Margera:
How the f*** do you have a six-pack at the age you are now?

Billy Idol:
Well, I don't know...

Bam Margera:
What's your diet?

Billy Idol:
Ahh At the moment I'm mainly in a Strawberry Haagen-Dazs and I drink Guinness. I love things like that. So I love it.

Bam Margera:
So Guinness and ice-cream is the diet to your six-pack?

Billy Idol:
[laughing] Yeah!

Bam Margera:
[when Mall of America was closing] Going to a hotel would take too long. We need to sleep now.

Bam Margera:
Well, we took a turn to Skatopia, so we might not make it to Mardi Gras, but at least we're pissing Vito off!

Bam's Uncle:
Molesta ma breasta!

Bam Margera:
Hey Vito! I'm going skating!

Bam's Uncle:
How can you skate? You don't have nuts!

Bucky Lasek:
Are we gonna see Girls Gone Totally Wild?

Bam Margera:
We're gonna see Girls Gone Apeshit!

Bam's Uncle:
I want to be in the Metal Mulisha. What do I gotta do?

Bam Margera:
Ask Deegan he's the boss.

Bam's Uncle:
What the hell is a Deegan?

Bam Margera:
He's right next to you!

Oderus:
I didn't really know I was moving. I thought everything else was moving.

Member of GWAR:
Are you into interspecies sex?

Himself - Bam's Crew:
IOU one sweet ass monster truck!

Bam's Uncle:
[to Bam] I thought you died. I was happy.

Bam Margera:
[during Phil's Hell Day] Dad, we need a fire pole!

Bam's Crew:
Hey, why don't we ever do this cool sh*t to my house?

Bam Margera:
Because you don't have a house.

Bam's Crew:
Oh yeah.

Bam's Mom:
I hope you're having fun 'cuz we could be walking into hell, - the gates of hell.

Bam Margera:
We need a firepole, mom.

Bam's Mom:
I don't believe it. Are you insane?

Tim Glomb:
I don't think I thought this through...

Bam Margera:
You fatboys need proper rock training.

Bam's Dad:
I got the Elvis sh*t, Bam. I don't need rock training.

Bam Margera:
You're too fat to be Elvis.

Bam's Dad:
He got chubby!

Bam Margera:
Yeah, he got chubby- you're fullblown FAT!

Bam Margera:
You Fatboys need rock star training.

Bam's Dad:
Bam, I got the Elvis sh*t. I don't need training.

Bam Margera:
Nah, you're too fat to be Elvis.

Bam's Dad:
He got chubby!

Bam Margera:
Yeah, he got chubby- You're full blown fat!

Bam Margera:
[after Phil makes Bam turn off the Jukebox] What a boner killer.

Bam's Dad:
That's not a boner killer.

Bam's Dad:
So... the house is safe?

Bam Margera:
Nothing is really "safe".

Bam Margera:
Compton Ass terry is gonna be...

Compton Ass Terry:
STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON!

Bam's Dad:
We're not supposed to have a fence, is this considered a fence?

Bam Margera:
It's a wall.

Bam's Dad:
It's a wall? So it's legal?

Bam Margera:
My mom's side they're straight-laced. They do everything by the book. But my whole dad's side of the family grew up next to this gnarley power plant in Linwood Pa, and I have a feeling that all that radiation just #*&@with my whole family because everybody's nuts.

Bam's Dad:
Is any one left in your will mom? Who, Jess is, right?

Bam's Grandmother (Mum-Mum):
No, he wasn't a virgin 'til he got married.

Bam's Dad:
That's impossible to do that!

Bam's Grandmother (Mum-Mum):
In the olden days people did it.

Bam Margera:
That's crazy!

Bam's Dad:
You can't do that...

Bam Margera:
You gotta testdrive the car before you buy it Mum-Mum.

Bam's Grandmother (Mum-Mum):
I think you testdrove a lot of cars.

Bam's Uncle:
I can't believe you have elephants coming into your house.

Bam's Mom:
I know, but I'm letting you in anyway.

Bam's Mom:
[to Don Vito] You could be bought in a second, you little whore.

Bam's Uncle:
There were no Jeeps in the Civil War! This doesn't make any sense!

Bam Margera:
We're from the future!

Bam Margera:
Ya just don't get it, Vito, do ya?

Bam's Uncle:
No! I don't get it! It's crazy!

Bam Margera:
Ya just don't get it, Vito. Ya just don't get it.

Bam's Crew:
Jump in ya fatass!

Bam's Uncle:
TURN THE LIGHTS BACK ON! Geez, Bam. I've got places to go and people to see...

Bam's Uncle:
Now you've got my eyes covered with ice-en-ning!

Brandon Dicamillo:
[after getting hit with a snowball] Ow you f***in' dildo!

Bam's Uncle:
[rambling on]

Mike Vallely:
I don't even know what the f*** you're saying Vito! Let's go!

Tim Glomb:
I hate to say it, but the five of us equal one Vallely, barely.

Bam's Uncle:
...and the girls have little pineapples filled with beer.

Bam's Crew:
It's a coconut!

Himself - Bam's Crew:
Hey Ape have you ever seen a Brazilian Zorse? [Crawls around on the floor]

Bam's Uncle:
[At a castle in Germany] These guys copied off Disneyland.

Bam Margera:
What are you talking about?

Bam's Uncle:
They did!

Bam Margera:
What do they have here that they don't have here?

Bam's Uncle:
A lot of stuff, Bam.

Bam Margera:
What?

Bam's Uncle:
A Monorail.

Bam Margera:
Basically, I tried to be a hot-ass and climb an Alp in the middle of the night with a Ferrari during a blizzard.

Bam's Uncle:
[at the blackjack table] I'm good. I'm good. I ain't gonna hit on a 20. Are you sick in the head?... Who's gonna hit on a 20? You gotta be mentally insane. Whadberderrr... habberdere!

Bam's Dad:
[while Don Vito is getting a blue hair dye job] They don't have a bouncer here ya know. When he gets up and sees that we're gonna need bouncers.

Bam Margera:
We're also gonna give Don Vito a soul patch. I don't know where the hair came from but how you like my new belt?

Bam's Crew:
EWWWWWWWW!