Warehouse 13

Artie Nelson:
Never rule anything out.

[repeated line]

Claudia Donovan:
Knock, knock!

Artie Nelson:
Y'know what the Talmud says? When someone's comin' to kill ya, get up early, kill 'em first.

Pete Lattimer:
Alright, lady, Secret Service. We know you put a curse on this fine young man right here. We want you to hand over whatever it is you used to do it.

Madame Doria:
I haven't cursed anyone in years. Not since my ex-husband. Ribbit, Ribbit. I didn't even read the cards for this one.

Oswald:
Yeah, she did.

Pete Lattimer:
We've got a gypsy on the run!

Artie Nielsen:
Myka, you've been whammied again.

Myka Bering:
[screaming] I hate it here!

Pete Lattimer:
Not so fast!

Madame Doria:
Damn it! I'm getting old. I used to be faster than the KGB.

Steve Jinks:
So this is why you ran out on us? You were jonesing for a corn dog?

Pete Lattimer:
Which I would totally get, by the way. They are awesome!

Katarina:
Why are you harassing my grandmother? She didn't do anything wrong.

Madame Doria:
That's right. You did! Idiot girl, you used Mother Shipton's cards on that doofus.

Oswald:
It's "doofer"!

Pete Lattimer:
Wait wait wait wait. You? [pointing at Katrina] I thought you liked the doofus. Oswald!

Oswald:
You do? Like, ~like~ like me?

Steve Jinks:
So why curse him? He could have been hurt.

Katarina:
I know, and I'm so sorry. It was an accident. I was - I didn't mean for anyone to get hurt. I was just trying to help Ozzie.

Pete Lattimer:
Does he really have to die?

Madame Doria:
Either he's a hero or a dead doofus.

Pete Lattimer:
Best assignment ever!

Myka Bering:
Just try not to be 12 years old, okay?

Pete Lattimer:
There's no try. Only do or do not.

Myka Bering:
Then do.

Pete Lattimer:
I'll try.

Perry:
I was just looking at your photos.

Myka Bering:
Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I've just had too much caffeine today.

Perry:
Well, pretty strong for a model. Most of these girls get winded just by pushing an elevator button.

Myka Bering:
Well, I eat food.

Pete Lattimer:
Alright, turn around.

Myka Bering:
Why?

Pete Lattimer:
Because if I'm going to say it, I can't say it with you looking at me.

Myka Bering:
I'll turn around.

Pete Lattimer:
I can't say it to the back of your head.

Pete Lattimer:
Myka, you are a stunningly beautiful woman. The day I met you, I said "What? I'm not going to be able to work with her! I won't be able to stop staring at her!" But then I got to know you,nd I realized that you're even more beautiful than I could see. And if that little teen fencer could see what a beautiful woman that she would become, she would know that it was her sister that should be jealous.

Claudia Donovan:
[Holding up a piece of paper] Do you want to talk about this?

Artie Nielsen:
This is why I said leave it alone!

Claudia Donovan:
Then maybe you shouldn't have put it on the computer! That's like me leaving a cake out with a note on it that says 'Not for Artie'.

Artie Nielsen:
[mumbles] That was one time, and I... Don't you have a boyfriend that you can be irritating instead of me?

Claudia Donovan:
He dumped me.

Artie Nielsen:
Oh, I didn't know. Do you want me to call him?

Claudia Donovan:
Artie, this is a list of ways to kill me.

Artie Nielsen:
They're not... [Artie takes the list from Claudia and quickly skims it] ALL killing you. There's other options here.

Claudia Donovan:
'Erase her memory'?

Artie Nielsen:
That's comparatively humane.

Claudia Donovan:
'Drop her in a non-English speaking country'?

Artie Nielsen:
See they're just trying to stall for time. They know you're gonna find your way back.

Claudia Donovan:
That doesn't make me feel any better!

Artie Nielsen:
Don't you think that there's a file like this on all of us? Don't you know there's one with my name on it?

Claudia Donovan:
And are you okay with that?

Myka Bering:
[calling for help] Pete!

Pete Lattimer:
Chicks!

Artie Nielsen:
This waitress is a regent?

Benedict Valda:
John Adams was a farmer, Abraham Lincoln was a small town lawyer. Plato, Socrates were teachers, Jesus was a carpenter

Benedict Valda:
to equate judgement and wisdom with Occupation is at best... insulting.

H.G. Wells:
I know a thing or two of the opposite sex. Many of my lovers were men.

Pete Lattimer:
[pause] We'll set that aside for a later time...

H.G. Wells:
[about HG's outfit] What? I checked. This is what the fashionable British archaeologists are wearing nowadays.

Myka Bering:
No... It's what American filmmakers think fashionable British archaeologists are wearing nowadays.

H.G. Wells:
Oh... Well, it *is* ever so comfy.

H.G. Wells:
[Last lines] I do hope you can forgive me.

Myka Bering:
For what?

H.G. Wells:
[Turns, revealing her modified Tesla] This. [Zaps Pete and Myka unconscious]

H.G. Wells:
Many of my lovers were men.

Myka Bering:
How does the compass work?

Artie Nielsen:
Once the setting maul has been reassembled, it activates the compass and the compass sweeps the warehouse. It converts all the artifacts' energy, directs all that energy to the new warehouse, and that's what completes the transfer.

Pete Lattimer:
Say what?

Claudia Donovan:
It's like the transporter from Star Trek, minus the dilithium crystals.

Pete Lattimer:
Oh, cool.

Pete Lattimer:
[Right after finding a secret way out] Zoinks! Velma, Daphne, let's go!

Pete Lattimer:
Is it dangerous?

Mrs. Irene Frederic:
Where do you work?

Pete Lattimer:
Right.

Artie Nielsen:
You're lucky I have an emergency travel kit.

Claudia Donovan:
Well, Serendipity *is* my stripper name...

Claudia Donovan:
Serendipity is my stripper name.

Pete Lattimer:
[as "Leena of the Eagle People" flies away] How does she get off the ground with those things?

Claudia Donovan:
They're wings.

Pete Lattimer:
Yeah, those probably help.

Pete Lattimer:
O.M.G. What's the B.F.D.?

Myka Bering:
Playing with yourself again?

Pete Lattimer:
Come on! Not everything in here is dangerous. You got that cuddly little ferret from a cooking pot.

Myka Bering:
Yeah, he peed in my shoes.

Pete Lattimer:
That was... that was me.

Claudia Donovan:
"Iniquitous" means bad.

Pete Lattimer:
Thanks, Roget.

Artie Nielsen:
[rapidly] Don't dawdle. Stay in touch. Good-bye.

Pete Lattimer:
Kirk out.

Jillian Whitman:
[handing over her artifact] What're you gonna do with it?

Pete Lattimer:
I am gonna put this on a shelf and ignore it forever.

[Claudia moves in on Artie's chess game with himself]

Artie Nelson:
No, no, no no, no!

Claudia Donovan:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Check!

Pete Lattimer:
How do you know what my league is?

Myka Bering:
Not that I asked for them but I have season tickets.

Jeff Weaver:
This sculpture is the next target, so please, let me move it to a secure location.

Pete Lattimer:
Alright well hold on [Holds Secret Service Badge to his ear] Whats that badgey? Hmmm? Well ok. Sorry, badgey says we stay with the sculpture.

Artie Nielsen:
[Artie mumbles something about a missing artifact]

Steve Jinks:
Artie, I don't speak 'mumble'!

Pete Lattimer:
Hey, HEY, hey!

Hugo Miller:
[to Vanessa] We used to hang out in the Dark Vault, remember? You and me and Mary Jane...

Artie Nielsen:
We had an agent named Mary Jane?

Claudia Donovan:
Good God man, where are you from?

[Mrs. Frederic discovers that MacPherson has stolen the Phoenix]

Mrs. Frederic:
Now I'm getting angry.

Ross:
[to Myka] I'm sorry! I won't do it again! I won't touch your breasts anymore.

Ellis Hayes:
[as Ross' therapist] What are you doing? We talked about this.

Leena:
Pete, put that back! That's the original can of worms!

Artie Nielsen:
Alright, one down, what's next?

Leena:
Uh, Devil's Lake Golf and Country Club.

Artie Nielsen:
A Jew and a black woman go to a fancy country club, all we need is a priest and a horse and we can do the whole joke!

Artie Nelson:
I had to fix the fish.

Myka Bering:
Have you ever smelled something that could be best described as fudge when there is no fudge?

Artie Nelson:
I made cookies.

Pete Lattimer:
Ooh!

Pete Lattimer:
[Pete is about to be attacked by three "possessed" Marines, and he has no escape] Uhh, umm... Ten-HUT! [the Marines immediately stop and stand at attention; Pete squints at them] Really?

Claudia Donovan:
[Claudia, wearing Volta's uncontrollably magnetic Lab Coat without permission, is stuck to a steel beam]

Claudia Donovan:
Would it have killed you to put a warning label on this thing?

Artie Nielsen:
What, 'Only Put On In Case Of Stupid'?

Claudia Donovan:
Are you going to die on us every year? Because that's really going to get old.

Artie Nelson:
I'm going to keep dying 'til it takes!... Or not!

Claudia Donovan:
Hiya Kelly. What's up?

Dr. Kelly Hernandez:
Claudia, you can't be here right now. I have work to do. [picks up a hatchet]

Claudia Donovan:
Hey, Kelly. Hey hey, woah, hold on a second. What are you doing?

Dr. Kelly Hernandez:
Chopping Pete up into little bits.

Claudia Donovan:
Uh-huh. And why?

Dr. Kelly Hernandez:
Because I love him.

Claudia Donovan:
And that's a beautiful way to express it, but, uh...

Dr. Kelly Hernandez:
Claudia, if you don't get out of my way, I'm going to have to kill you.

Claudia Donovan:
I'd really rather you just give me the axe.

Artie Nelson:
[to Pete and Myka] The wings of Daedalus, good call! Don't just flap there, come on up!

Pete Lattimer:
[about the Wings of Daedalus] Woohoo ha ha! Man, you've got to let me keep these!

Artie Nelson:
Oh, right, because they've worked out so well for Icarus!

Pete Lattimer:
Artie, who are you? Jerusalem Jones? [laughing]

Artie Nelson:
What? I've just bought this!

Artie Nelson:
[shouting to the warehouse] Don't make me come down there!

Myka Bering:
There's three suspects, including Fissel. One was a woman.

Pete Lattimer:
You sure?

Myka Bering:
Yeah, I... felt her.

Pete Lattimer:
You touched her boobies?

Claudia Donovan:
We are not the 'B' team, fool, we are the second 'A' team.

Artie Nielsen:
You ready?

Pete Lattimer:
Sure. Oh, hey, Artie, next week can we go meet Honey Boo Boo?

Artie Nielsen:
Shut up and get in the TV.

Pete Lattimer:
Okay.

Lila:
Too busy making money to keep a promise to your daughter?

Larry Newley:
Now is not a good time Lila.

Lila:
You said you were going to decorate the tree.

Larry Newley:
I never said that, okay? And listen by the way I sent over some incredibly expensive antique ornaments. Did you even bother to give them to her?

Lila:
Not really the same as her dad being here.

Larry Newley:
Look I know my daughter and I know that she happens to like things like that. She is an old soul!

Lila:
And she's getting older, another year gone by Larry. How many are you gonna miss? [she hangs up on him]

Myka Bering:
Do you have any idea who might be threatening him? I don't know, maybe a erm a new man in your life who thinks he might be doing you a favor?

Lila:
There's no one new.

Myka Bering:
Have you ever erm heard anyone refer to your ex-husband as Larry Noodle?

Lila:
[they both laugh] Wow! Larry Noodle. I haven't heard that since he was a teenager. He hated that nickname. [she laughs]

Myka Bering:
So you guys have known each other for a really long time.

Lila:
High school.

Myka Bering:
Wow.

Lila:
Yeah, God we were so happy when we had nothing and then the more successful he became the more that was the only thing that mattered. Larry Noodle, I miss him. He was sweet.

Pete Lattimer:
Trust me, a whoosh and a twinkle is a lot better than a sizzle and a splat, or worse zzz-zap and ker-chow.

Myka Bering:
Artie, is it, is it possible that...

Artie Nielsen:
That yes, Virgina, there really is a Santa Claus?

Pete Lattimer:
The dude enters and exits through chimneys! He travels across the room as fairy dust. Look, Artie, this was the real Santa, okay? Oh, and by the way, be nice because Santa is badass.

Artie Nielsen:
There really was a St. Nicholas in Fourth Century Turkey and he was known to have put coins in people's shoes.

Pete Lattimer:
Real Santa! Excellent! You know, I knew it. Seriously, it explains so much.

Myka Bering:
You're making a Christmas list in your head right now, aren't you?

Pete Lattimer:
Maybe.

Claudia Donovan:
What the frakk?

H.G. Wells:
[her last line] I smell apples.

[last lines]

Pete Lattimer:
Artie... we lost.

Artie Nielsen:
[Pulls out Macpherson's pocket watch] Not yet.

Artie Nielsen:
Murder is legal in Vegas, right?

Artie Nielsen:
[Artie inspects a row of bonsi trees] James always loved these damn things. [Artie cuts the top off one tree with a pair of scissors] Bonsai, Jimmy!

Claudia Donovan:
[Hacks open the Warehouse door] Knock knock!

Claudia Donovan:
New guy gets to fix the fish.

Claudia Donovan:
Don't touch the bombs.

[Steve accidentally bums one of the poles labeled "Danger"]

Claudia Donovan:
Don't touch the bombs!

Steve Jinks:
Bombs?

[Pete and Steve investigate a murder scene. Pete talks to Artie over the Farnsworth]

Artie Nielsen:
Keep looking around. It sounds like it could be George Went Hensley's Bible.

Pete Lattimer:
George Went-where-now?

Pete Lattimer:
I put on Abe Lincoln's hat once and had an uncontrollable urge to free Mrs. Frederick. Don't think that didn't get me into trouble.

Pete Lattimer:
[to Amanda] I'm sorry. I need to get back to Colorado Springs. Do you have a Black Hawk I can borrow?

Abigail Cho:
Grief, Agent Nielsen, real, gut-wrenching grief, is not something you can power through or ignore. There's no detours, no shortcuts. You look it in the eye and you do battle, and you keep doing battle until you are finished with it, and it is finished with you. And if you're not willing to accept that, then it will eat you alive.

Myka Bering:
If we don't bag this artifact soon, Pete here is hopping the stairway to heaven.

Pete Lattimer:
It's... buying... BUYING the stairway to heaven.

Myka Bering:
Well, I'm not a Rolling Stones expert.

Pete Lattimer:
[shaking head in exasperation] Oh, no.

Claudia Donovan:
[Referring to Pete] He's a smart boy when he's not thinking about cookies or boobies.

Artie Nielsen:
[rubs his head] What did you hit me with?

Claudia Donovan:
[kicks blunt wooden object away] Nothing. My hand.

Artie Nielsen:
Claudia, I did not come here to spy on you. Not the way you think, anyway.

Claudia Donovan:
Oh sure. The good kind of spying, like "Here, have some flowers, and a puppy, and some spying."

Steve Jinks:
Wait, Pete and Myka get a dagger and we get a plague? Why don't we stop being the B-Team?

Claudia Donovan:
We are not the B-Team, fool, we are the second A-Team.

Claudia Donovan:
[after hearing the story of HG's daughter's murder] I imagine losing a child is the worst pain you can experience.

H.G. Wells:
No. What I did to those men, after I tracked them down? *That's* the worst pain you can experience.