Welcome Back, Kotter

Arnold Horshack:
[frequent introduction] Hellooohhhh. How are ya? I am Arnold HorshAAAAAck.

Arnold Horshack:
[whenever he raises his hand] OOOOOOHHHHH! OOOOOOHHHHH! OOOOOOHHHHH!

Arnold Horshack:
[gets on Epstein's case about his "notes from his mother"] "Please excuse Juan for being a sheephead." Signed: "Epstein's mother's veterinarian".

[repeated line]

Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino:
Up your nose with a rubber hose!

Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino:
Hey! Up your nose with a rubber hoses!

Squiggy:
Yeah? Well, up your gizzard with a rubber lizard!

Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino:
I'm so confused.

Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington:
Hi there.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino:
What? Where?

[when Arnold became a cult member]

Arnold Horshack:
What is? is. What was? will be. What will be *was*, but will be again.

Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington:
Hey, Mr. Kot-tair!

Mr. Michael Woodman:
Kotter, these kids couldn't pass a blood test without cheating.

Gabe Kotter:
Did I ever tell you about my Uncle Max?

Gabe Kotter:
You know what I'm gonna do: I'm going to put a window over there. [points to the door] And a door over there. [points to the window] So then you'll come in through the door!

Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino:
[brainstorming ideas to raise money to save their class] We could have a casino night.

Gabe Kotter:
Gambling in school? Do you realize the odds are almost 5 to 1 against that happening?

Freddie "Boom Boom" Washington:
I'll take that bet.

Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino:
Love means never having to hear i'm pregnant

Vincent 'Vinnie' Barbarino:
[Vincent Barbarino said this, often, to other Sweat-Hogs, whenever someone angered him] Off my case, toilet-face!

Gabe Kotter:
[after Julie angrily hangs up the telephone] What's the matter, Julie? Who was that?

Julie Kotter:
It was a crank call. I don'y know why kids have to make crank calls. Did you ever do that?

Gabe Kotter:
[Smiling mischievously] Just once. I was about 11. We called up a butcher. We'd say, "Hello, is this the butcher?" He said, "Yes, it is." We said, "Do you have pig's feet?" He said, "I certainly do." I said, "Where do you buy your shoes?"

Mr. Michael Woodman:
This flu epidemic is a crisis, Kotter. You remember what General Patton used to say?

Gabe Kotter:
Sure I do. He said, "School is hell."

Judy Borden:
You mean you don't know who Amerigo Vespucci was?

Vinnie Barbarino:
Of course I know who he was! That was Chef Boyardee's maiden name.

Juan Epstein:
Mr. Kotter, I got a note excusing my absenteeism.

Gabe Kotter:
[Unfolds note, begins reading] "Dear Mr. Kotter. Please excuse Juan's abs - " Aren't you gonna read along? [Epstein shakes head no] "Please excuse Juan's absence. He was home sick with the stomach flu. Sincerely, Mrs. Epstein." Fine. That's okay, Juan. Your excuse is perfectly legitimate.

Juan Epstein:
I know. That's the problem. It's the first legitimate excuse I've turned in in 11 years. Me, Juan Epstein, the flim-flam man of Buchanan High School, a legit excuse. What's the world comin' to?

Arnold Horshack:
I'll share my experience with you -- perhaps it will inspire you to join us. Last week I was walking down the street - Avenue "D" I think it was - when suddenly I was approached by this girl - a vision of loveliness. Her name is Kali Kalu...formerly Miss Debbi Rothenberg of Forrest Hills.

Gabe Kotter:
Oh, Mr. Woodman, you'll be happy to know we have decided against the food fight. We Sweathogs are going to work through the system.

Mr. Michael Woodman:
What system, Kotter? There's only one system here: you're free to do as you're told.

Arnold Horshack:
[Woodman enters and Horshack assumes they've won] The thrill of victory!

Mr. Michael Woodman:
What victory? You didn't win anything.

Arnold Horshack:
Ohhh, the agony of defeat.

Gabe Kotter:
[while the class is singing "99 Bottles of Beer" in unison] That's the way it was, 200 years ago today, Valley Forge Ramada Inn. This Bicentenniel Minute has been brought to you by S.H.E.L., Students Happy to End Liver.

Arnold Horshack:
[the lights go in the dark classroom, Horshack stands by the switch sucking his thumb, clutching a blanket and whimpering] I would've been okay if I had my teddy.

Gabe Kotter:
Well, you can't have your teddy.

Arnold Horshack:
Well, then how about Mrs. Kotter?

Gabe Kotter:
You can't have my teddy either.

Juan Epstein:
[Late at night in the dark classroom] Hey, Horshack. Tell me somethin'. Do you ever think about what God is like?

Arnold Horshack:
Oh, yeah. I think he's short. And he has a marvelous sense of humor. And a great laugh.

Vernajean Williams:
Hey, God can do anything.

Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington:
He can?

Vernajean Williams:
SHE can. You know, she sings just like Aretha Franklin.

Juan Epstein:
Y'know, I think God is kinda tough, y'know? But he's fair. Sorta like John Wayne in a white beard, y'know? "All right, pilgrims, move those clouds in a circle."

Vinnie Barbarino:
I got my own idea of what God is like. I know he's a sharp dresser. He's good lookin'. And of course he's Italian.

Freddie 'Boom Boom' Washington:
Yeah? Well, if you ask me, all that stuff about harps is a lot of jive. God is backed up by a jazz rhythym section. He got a piano, a bass guitar, and a drummer with a good right foot.

Julie Kotter:
Well, I think God is love. And if he were here, he'd love my tuna casserole.

Juan Epstein:
Hey, Mr. Kotter? What's your feelings on this subject?

Gabe Kotter:
Well, I think that, uh, God is everywhere.

Arnold Horshack:
Even in liver?

Gabe Kotter:
He's everywhere. He's in Times Square. He used to be in Ebbets Field. Spent a lot of time in Ebbets Field. He's Moonlight in Vermont, Autumn in New York, all the standards. He's everywhere... with the possible exception of Epstein's gymn locker! Go to sleep!

Gabe Kotter:
We beat Woodman's liver! Today Woodman's liver, tomorrow my wife's tuna casserole!

Arnold Horshack:
Hey kids! Let's put on a show!

Arnold Horshack:
I'm Arnold Horshack, the last.

Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein:
Why the last, Horschack?

Arnold Horshack:
Cuz when they made me, they broke the mold.

Gabe Kotter:
What's your favorite subject?

Juan Luis Pedro Phillipo de Huevos Epstein:
Assault.

Gabe Kotter:
James Buchanan is not anywhere. It's in Bensonhurst, which is in Brooklyn, which is where I spent four degenerate years as a student. You know how rough that is? The gangs there don't use guns. They insert the bullets manually.

Gabe Kotter:
Julie, baby, if it wasn't for you...

Julie Kotter:
What?

Gabe Kotter:
I would've married someone else.

Mr. Michael Woodman:
Remember my motto: Conquer thyself, Kotter. Conquer thyself.

Gabe Kotter:
Right here in the hall?

Arnold Horshack:
You know, Horshack is a very old and respected name; it means "the cattle are dying".