Work It

Kat Standish:
If you guys are getting divorced, I wanna live with whoever buys me more stuff.

[Brian prepares to drive Kat to school]

Brian:
I'd really appreciate it if you don't do that thing where you hang your head out the window and scream, "Help! Help!" People can't tell you're joking.

Connie Standish:
It's just, you know, we haven't had sex since you started this job.

Lee Standish:
What? Is that right?

Connie Standish:
Yeah! I am finding myself having some pretty explicit daydreams. Pretty soon you're not gonna be in them - even now, you are just watching.

Angel Ortiz:
Marriage is like a flower. You have to smell it to make it grow.

Lee Standish:
I'm assuming that makes sense in Spanish.

[Transvestite Lee shaved his face in the stall of the ladies room and his coworkers spread word that "she" was using a vibrator]

Angel Ortiz:
We got a real situation here. You're the talk of the office!

Lee Standish:
Well, look on the bright side, man. I came this close to getting caught and instead they think for sure I have a vagina.

Angel Ortiz:
We can't have you being ostrich-sized.

Lee Standish:
I'm pretty sure the word is 'ostracized.'

Angel Ortiz:
You know, this correcting thing isn't going to win you any friends either.

Lee Standish:
Ladies, excuse me, but if you have something to say about me, I'd prefer you say it to my face.

Grace Hudson:
Okay. Has anyone got a ladder?

[Vanessa announces that Lee is the month's sales leader]

Grace Hudson:
Well Lee, I don't know what to say because this has never happened to me before, but congratulations on what is clearly an accounting error.

Lee Standish:
Thank you, Grace, and for my part I'd like to say that you're a worthy adversary and I have the utmost respect for you. And suck it!

Michelle:
You're cute.

Brian:
Keep drinking. I get cuter.

Kelly:
Hey, if you wanna go to the game so bad, you can just come with me. My utility infielder is giving me an all-access pass to the V.I.P. area so I'm gonna give him an all-access pass to mine.

Angel Ortiz:
That's great! I'll go with you!

Kelly:
Oooh, maybe my infielder has a friend for you!

Angel Ortiz:
Oooh, I don't know about that. My V.I.P. area is guarded by a big brown bouncer.

[Grace and Lee each play dirty to land a client]

Lee Standish:
I can't believe you would try to cheat me out of this account. Have you no shame?

Grace Hudson:
Have you no mirror?

Grace Hudson:
Are you reading The Bible?

Kristin:
I'm kind of having a moral dilemma right now, okay? Do you know where the chapter on coworker double-crossing is? Oooh, The Book of Job, it must be in here.

Grace Hudson:
Being someone's best friend is like being their favorite outfit. At first you get worn all the time, then one day you just get shoved to the back of the closet. You lie to yourself saying that you'll come back in style but you're never coming back. You're a poncho.

Angel Ortiz:
No, I'm not. I'm a little black dress. Timeless.

Lee Standish:
I'm a little self-conscious about my body.

Kristin:
Oh, don't be ridiculous. You look terrific!

Lee Standish:
Oh, thank you. But let's just say that this skirt is hiding a lot.

Kristin:
You can't weigh yourself at night. Night's the fattest part of the day.

Kelly:
Oh, you know what I heard really burns the fat? Coffee enemas.

Lee Standish:
Oh my God, is the coffee hot?

Kristin:
Why did you get changed in your car instead of in the locker room?

Lee Standish:
Oh, I, uh... Well, I haven't been to my waxer in a while and I didn't wanna scare anyone with my '70s look.

Connie Standish:
Do you know what the rate of eating disorders is for teenage girls? It is 130% because most of them have more than one.

Grace Hudson:
Ah, the black suit. I so admire how much use you get out of your clothes. Or should I say, clothe?

Lee Standish:
This suit is nice. I mean, it certainly wasn't cheap.

Grace Hudson:
Lee, do you know who only needs one suit? The dead.

Angel Ortiz:
Aren't psychics just scam artists who prey on gullible women?

Kelly:
No, they're legitimate professionals who can see into the future and tell you what's going to happen.

Grace Hudson:
This is your car?

Lee Standish:
Uh-huh. It was my ex-husband's favorite, so I took it in the divorce.

Kristin:
I hear that. I took my ex-husband's riding lawnmower, and I live in an apartment.

Kristin:
Okay, the boutique we wanna take you to is next to the nail place that's across the street from that dog bakery that used to be a tea emporium.

Lee Standish:
Okay. Can I get an actual address?

Kristin:
I just gave it to you.

Kelly:
If I was gay, which I have been twice, I would totally do you.

Kelly:
You know, there is only one proven way to find out if someone you like likes you back.

Angel Ortiz:
I know, but I'm not ready to let this someone know how I feel just yet.

Kelly:
What? Don't be crazy! You don't need to let anybody know how you feel. You need to go see my psychic!

[When Angel walks in, all conversation abruptly ceases]

Angel Ortiz:
What are you ladies pretending to not talk about?

Kelly:
Nothing. Uh, certainly not your sexual preference.

[Lee takes Connie for a ride on a motorcycle]

Lee Standish:
Pretty sweet, huh?

Connie Standish:
What?

Lee Standish:
The motorcycle, it's pretty sweet!

Connie Standish:
I can't hear a word you're saying!

Lee Standish:
I dress up as a woman for work!

Connie Standish:
What?

Lee Standish:
I said, I dress up as a woman for work and it's made me a better person!

Connie Standish:
Seriously, what are you saying?

[Thinking he's a lesbian, Angel's coworkers push him to confess his feelings for Lee, both of whom are masquerading as women]

Angel Ortiz:
The truth is I'm in love with you.

Lee Standish:
Um, well how long have you felt this way, Angel?

Angel Ortiz:
Ever since we met. I can't tell you how many nights I've drawn your face on a pillow and put it between my legs!

Lee Standish:
Well, I'm flattered. I treasure you as a friend, Angel, but I am straight.

Angel Ortiz:
So you like men?

Lee Standish:
Yes.

Angel Ortiz:
You like having sex with men?

Lee Standish:
Yes... I like having sex with men.

Angel Ortiz:
I'm sorry, could you say that again while I record it as my ring tone?

Vanessa:
I love your scarf.

Angel Ortiz:
Oh, thank you! Your ass looks tight in those pants.

Kristin:
I hope Grace isn't being too rough on you. She gave me a hard time when I first started working here too, and now we're such good friends. We even have nicknames for each other, like I call her 'hottie' or 'princess' and she calls me 'sausage fingers.'

Connie Standish:
Hey Lee, why do I keep finding my women's magazines in out bathroom?

Kat Standish:
Oh, gross, dad! Get some real porn!

Lee Standish:
I'll see you tonight. I gotta pick up Angel.

Connie Standish:
But Lee, you just spilled juice all over yourself.

Lee Standish:
Yeah, I know. No one's gonna notice.

Connie Standish:
Babe, it's pretty obvious.

Lee Standish:
Yeah, you know, people at this job, they don't seem to notice things that are really obvious.

Lee Standish:
Would you rather go back to cleaning bathrooms at Astro Taco?

Angel Ortiz:
No way, man, that place was rough! I mean, how hard is it to aim your heiney?

[the second the elevator doors open, Kristin accosts Lee and Angel]

Lee Standish:
How did you even know it was us in the elevator?

Grace Hudson:
She probably heard the cables straining.

[the girls decide Lee should host the book club]

Kristin:
Just tell us what book to read and if there are any sobriety checkpoints in the area.

Angel Ortiz:
I'm worried that Vanessa is starting to think of me as just the funny girl in the office instead of as a viable lesbian partner.

Brian:
You know what it's like living with my ex-wife and her husband? I never get to do anything I want! I can't even park my car in the yard.

Brian:
Congratulations, you're the most pathetic person here. And I just fished a dime out of a urinal.

[the ladies discover that Lee, whom they think is a woman, has a closet full of men's clothes]

Kelly:
Oh my God, look at it in here! Why do you have all this stuff?

Lee Standish:
Uh, well, I, uh...

Angel Ortiz:
The only way she could get a job at Pontiac was to dress up as a man!

Grace Hudson:
That's absurd.

Brian:
Alright, Lee, I'm here to kick your ass and I'd prefer it if you did not fight back.

Lee Standish:
So you're bossy and nosy and judgey because you care about me?

Grace Hudson:
Yeah. Haven't you ever had female friends before?

Angel Ortiz:
Oh my God, you're just like everybody else. You think I can't keep a secret!

Connie Standish:
Yeah, I know you can't. Otherwise I would have thoroughly enjoyed The Sixth Sense.

[Lee walks into a surprise party]

Lee Standish:
I don't remember making the happy mistake of telling anyone when my birthday was.

Kristin:
Really, you don't remember? We were at lunch and I asked you what your sign was, and you said you didn't know, and I said, "You're the weirdest girl ever!" And you said, "I could show you something that would make you think I'm even weirder," and then I laughed, confused but charmed, and asked you when your birthday was - and you told me!

Lee Standish:
Oh gosh, and I'm so glad I did. Cuz look what it led to: landfill full of birthday crap.

Vanessa:
Let me just say on behalf of Coreco that we welcome women forty and over. We find that they bring experience and maturity to the workplace and we enjoy hiring them for those reasons and not because of any lawsuits you may have heard about.

Lee Standish:
Well, how sweet.

Vanessa:
Now, if you'll excuse me, my lawyers would want me to remove myself from this age-related conversation.

Kelly:
You know, if your cramps are bad you should take an Andivia. It's our new pain killer. Studies have shown it works really well with a hot bath... and another Andivia.

[Connie throws a surprise 40th birthday party for Lee]

Connie Standish:
Where the hell is Lee? He should be here by now.

Brian:
I know, this is really messin' me up.

Connie Standish:
I'm sorry, messing you up?

Brian:
Yeah, I've been timing my alcohol intake. He was supposed to arrive at jolly and convivial but I'm rapidly approaching loud and abrasive!

Grace Hudson:
You can't keep a secret.

Angel Ortiz:
What? That is so not true!

Grace Hudson:
The internet keeps secrets better than you.

[to a waiter in a strip club]

Grace Hudson:
If I wanted a fully-dressed waiter I'd have gone to bloody chop house. Now lose the pants!

Kristin:
Come on, Grace, you don't want to get kicked out again.

Lee Standish:
Grace, you were thrown out of here last time?

Kristin:
Yes, this place makes her a little... handsy.

Grace Hudson:
I don't like a tease, alright? Don't take me to a pet store and then tell me not to rub my face on the puppies!