You Bet Your Life

Groucho:
Why do you have so many children?

Female Contestant:
Well, I love my husband very much.

Groucho:
Hey, I enjoy a good cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

Groucho:
If we got together as an act, what would it be called?

Contestant:
It would be Gonzales-Gonzales and Marx.

Groucho:
[to audience] Do you believe that? Two men in the act, and I get third billing!

Announcer:
Our next contestants are Marika Aba...

Groucho:
And a happy new year.

Groucho:
May I kiss your wife?

Contestant:
That would have to be over my dead body.

Groucho:
Have it your way. Fenneman, get the gun!

Female Contestant:
I met this gentleman in Laguna Beach...

Groucho:
There *are* no gentlemen in Laguna Beach.

Female Contestant:
Well, this gentleman is now abroad.

Groucho:
[pause while the audience titters] Couldn't be Christine, could it?

Contestant:
[Groucho has just asked a question] Well, I believe in doing it the old-fashioned way.

Groucho:
[Groucho looks down and smiles. The audience begins to giggle. Groucho then looks up] You know I must have some reputation. There isn't anything anyone can say on this stage that won't evoke some kind of a dirty laugh from the audience... [trying to keep from laughing] What do you mean, 'the old fashioned-way'? [loses all seriousness, doubles over laughing]

[Opening lines to the show]

Announcer:
And here he is, the one, the only:

Audience:
GROUCHO!

Groucho Marx:
Geologists are really doing a wonderful work these days. Now, what do they do?

Clarence Allen:
Oh, we study rocks, hunt for minerals, hunt for oil, hunt for anything valuable in the earth's surface.

Groucho Marx:
You actually look for rocks, is that it?

Clarence Allen:
That's right.

Groucho Marx:
Just wanted to be sure. On this program, we never take anything for granite, you know.

Groucho Marx:
How did you decide to become a sculptor?

Yucca Salamunich:
[answers question ending with] I studied... history of art - and anatomy.

Groucho Marx:
We'll I've studied anatomy, but I doubt if I could ever be a sculptor - however, I'm told I'm a pretty good chiseler.

Groucho Marx:
Now, Dr. Saltman, just what kind of a doctor are you: animal, vegetable, or mineral?

Dr. Paul Saltman:
Well, I am an animal, and I study plants, and I'm an associate professor at the University of Southern California.

Groucho Marx:
What's the difference between an associate professor and a full professor?

Dr. Paul Saltman:
About twenty-five hundred dollars a year.

Groucho Marx:
[to Dr. Paul Saltman] You look like an educated Jerry Lewis.

Groucho Marx:
This was on your honeymoon, a bag of garbage fell on his head?

[housewife from The Bronx nods in agreement]

Groucho Marx:
At least you're safe, out here in California. Housewives in California don't throw their garbage out the windows. They serve it to their husbands and call it hors d'oeuvres.

Himself - Host:
Well, tell us some more about your work. You must have had a lot of unusual experiences.

Evelynne Smith:
Well, uh, I can remember one time when I, uh, I drowned 12 times for Bette Davis in Stolen Life.

Himself - Host:
And what was Bette doing while you were drowning for her?

Evelynne Smith:
Well, I'm not sure, but I think she was having her picture taken, uh, getting artificial respiration.

Himself - Host:
While you were drowning? Well if one of your stars should happen to expect the stork some day, my advice to you is keep away from the hospital.

Himself - Host:
Ruth, where are you from?

Ruth Elder:
I'm from Alabama.

Himself - Host:
Have you got a banjo on your knee or, uh, what have you got on your knee - anything?

Ruth Elder:
Water.

Himself - Host:
You were wearing a bathing suit when you decided to fly?

Ruth Elder:
Yes.

Himself - Host:
Well, that was the right time to take off, alright.

Himself - Host:
Are you married?

Jack Powell:
Yes, sir.

Himself - Host:
Typical umpire - another wrong decision.

Jack Powell:
We have fourteen umpires, and when all the teams are playing, there's only four places they can go.

Himself - Host:
You're wrong! There's five places they can go.

Himself - Host:
What are the requirements for an umpire?

Jack Powell:
An umpire must have honesty, integrity, good eyesight, and plenty of intestinal fortitude.

Himself - Host:
Wouldn't it help, if you knew a little about baseball?

Host:
Pedro, we could do a great act together. We could make a fortune in vaudeville, you and I. What would we call our act, you know, if we went out together - The Two Hot Tamales?

Contestant:
No. We gonna call it Gonzalez-Gonzalez and Marx.

Host:
That's nice billing. Two people in the act, and I get third place in the billing.

[interviewing a spunky, little old lady]

Grouch Marx:
Now, let's talk to you - okay, Mrs. Sackett?

Mary Sackett:
Miss Sackett, if you please.

Grouch Marx:
Miss Sackett?

Mary Sackett:
Thank you.

Grouch Marx:
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

Mary Sackett:
You may be sorry, but I'm not.

Mary Sackett:
[to Groucho]... and if you'll dispose of the cigar, I'll thank you.

Himself - Host:
Have you always been athletic, Bob?

Bob Mathias:
No, I haven't. When I was 13, I was anemic, and I was tired, and weak, and a 98-pound weakling.

Himself - Host:
You were tired and run down at the age of 13?

Bob Mathias:
Yes, sir.

Himself - Host:
It took me 40 years to get in that condition.

[Groucho is interviewing a young, beautiful, single brunette]

Oula Anderson:
I'm Swedish. Do you speak Swedish?

Groucho Marx:
No, but I wish I did. After looking at you, I wish I could speak English.

Groucho Marx:
You know, in forty years in show business, this is the lowest I've ever sunk - when one contestant has to explain my jokes to another.

Groucho Marx:
I play golf, too, you know. What is your handicap, Jim?

Jim Ferrier - Golf Pro:
Well, as a pro, I don't have a handicap.

Groucho Marx:
Well, congratulations. How is it a tall, handsome man like you isn't married?

Jim Ferrier - Golf Pro:
Oh, I'm married. I have a wife.

Groucho Marx:
You just said you didn't have a handicap.

Groucho Marx:
[inquiring about Floyd's lion] Where is Fearless Fagan now?

Floyd Humetson - Lion Trainer:
[stammering] Uh, well, he's, uh, uh, well, he's at home.

Groucho Marx:
I see. Is he pretty friendly around the house?

Floyd Humetson - Lion Trainer:
Oh, yes, he's pretty friendly. He lives in the house, and he used to sleep in bed with me.

Groucho Marx:
What happened?

Floyd Humetson - Lion Trainer:
Oh, my wife didn't like it.

Groucho Marx:
You had at least twenty wins a season for the last six or seven years, haven't you?

Bob Lemon:
Yes, I started in 1948 - I won twenty, and the following year I won twenty, and last year I went twenty-three and seven.

Groucho Marx:
That's quite a record. Very few pitchers have done that.

[Cleveland Indians pitcher Bob Lemon is teamed with an attractive Australian stewardess]

Groucho Marx:
Well, you make an attractive team and, Sue, if you care for Lemon with your tea, maybe you two can get together after the show. Would that be alright with you, Bob?

Bob Lemon:
As I said before, I'm married.

Groucho Marx:
Typical batter, a pitcher, huh? Struck out just when the game's getting interesting.

Groucho Marx:
What kind of a deal do you got with Washington, now?

Chuck Dressen:
Well, I got what I wanted with Washington. I got a two-year contract with the Senators.

Groucho Marx:
Chuck, they slipped one over on you. All the other Senators get six years in Washington.

Groucho Marx:
Now, Beverly, how long have you been a lawyer?

Beverly Rubens:
Well, Groucho, I passed the bar just this last December.

Groucho Marx:
I've heard the expression "passing the bar" many times, but I'm not sure what it means. What happened when you passed the bar? Did some drunks inside whistle at you?

Beverly Rubens:
The bar that I was referring to is the State Bar, Groucho. That's considered the best kind.

Groucho Marx:
Oh, I see. They have nothing but bonded stuff there?

Beverly Rubens:
After I had received notification that I had passed the written examination, I attended the ceremonies in January, where I was sworn in by Chief Justice Gibson of the California State Supreme Court, with 250 other attorneys here from southern California.

Groucho Marx:
You say he swore you in? That's a coincidence 'cause last time I faced him, he just cussed me out. Was there anymore to the ceremony than just this man swearing at you?

Groucho Marx:
[ready to play the game] How is it you didn't take the sport quiz? Was it gone already?

Chuck Dressen:
We didn't know enough about it.

Groucho Marx:
Oh, that's right, you were with Brooklyn.

Groucho Marx:
How old are you, Barbara?

Barbara Schmidt:
I'm eighteen.

Groucho Marx:
Eighteen, huh? A lovely age for a girl. In fact, it's a lovely age for a woman of forty.

Groucho Marx:
Is it Miss or Mrs.?

Joan Rosenthal:
Well, I'm afraid it's Miss.

Groucho Marx:
Well, if you're afraid, I'm not surprised it's Miss.

[Groucho has asked of Joan the reason an attractive girl like her is still single]

Joan Rosenthal:
I don't really know. I keep asking myself why am I still single.

Groucho Marx:
Well, stop asking yourself, and ask somebody else! You'll get better results that way.

Groucho Marx:
Where have you looked, specifically, for a husband?

Joan Rosenthal:
Well, uh, I've looked in Chicago, and New York, Los Angeles, Baltimore, Kansas City, St. Louis, San Francisco...

Groucho Marx:
You've got a bigger dragnet out than Jack Webb.

Hal Keene:
I'm a representative for the Encyclopaedia Britannica, and I'm a professional wrestler.

Groucho Marx:
You're a wrestler, and you also sell the encyclopedia? You're half book salesman and half nelson, in other words. Well, which interests you the most, Joanne, books or wrestling?

Joanne Keene:
Wrestling, of course, because I'm a lady wrestler, myself.

Groucho Marx:
You're both wrestlers, huh? In other words, your marriage is a tossup, huh? How did you meet Hal, Joanne, or was it more of a collision?

Groucho Marx:
Seven girls, huh? That's even more important than I realized, this job. You're in charge of seven girls?

Martha Parson:
Yes.

Groucho Marx:
Where do they put these gyroscopes?

Martha Parson:
This is all government work, and it's strictly confidential.

Groucho Marx:
Seven women work on this job, and they keep it a secret?

[interviewing big game hunter Beverly Putnam]

Groucho Marx:
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas, you know. How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know.

Groucho Marx:
[asking a trick question] Is there as much money in professional tennis as there is in amateur tennis?

Pancho Gonz?lez:
Well, I think there's a little more, but by the time income tax gets to us, they beat us.

Himself - Host:
How'd you get this job? There must have been a lot of gorillas out for the same job, wasn't there? You had the most hair?

Gordon Scott:
No. I was the lifeguard at the Hotel Sahara in Las Vegas.

Himself - Host:
Lifeguard in Vegas? What'd they do - pull 'em off the crap tables? [turns to studio audience] When they're going down for the third time.

Groucho Marx:
I still remember how I enjoyed your western movies when I was just a little kid.

Hoot Gibson:
Thank you, Groucho. I enjoyed *your* pictures when *I* was a kid.

Groucho Marx:
How'd you get the name Hoot?

Hoot Gibson:
Well, that's not too long a story, Groucho. You see, when I was a kid at school in Tekamah, that's in Nebraska, by the way, we used to go back in these caves, and uh, you know, look for hoot owls.

Groucho Marx:
When did you first crack the picture business, Hoot?

Hoot Gibson:
You tryin' to find out how old I am?

Groucho Marx:
No, I can find out by the way you're looking at her.

Groucho Marx:
I've seen you umpiring a lot of games this year, Emmett. Are you aware of that?

Emmett Ashford:
Yes, and I've seen you, too.

Groucho Marx:
Now, that's ridiculous. How could you possibly see me clear up in the grandstand, when you can't even see a strike 6 inches from your nose?

[interviewing housewife Maryanne Badger]

Groucho Marx:
Your name was Wolf and you married a Badger? Well, it could be worse. One of my neighbors claimed she married a skunk. It isn't true because I know him, and he hasn't got a cent.

[speaking to his father-in-law, Edgar Higgins, who is a contestant on tonight's show]

Groucho Marx:
...and don't tell your daughter that you saw me here tonight.

Groucho Marx:
How many boyfriends have you got in the palm of your hand?

Fay Spain:
Well, only one to speak of.

Groucho Marx:
Only one to speak of, huh? You mean the rest are unspeakable?

Groucho Marx:
What is your full name?

George Fenneman:
George Fenneman.

Groucho Marx:
No middle name or anything?

George Fenneman:
Yes.

Groucho Marx:
What is it?

George Fenneman:
That's right.

Groucho Marx:
George That's Right Fenneman?

George Fenneman:
No - Watt is my middle name.

Groucho Marx:
George Watt, huh?

George Fenneman:
Yeah. I wish I hadn't told you.

Groucho Marx:
You're not related to Abbott and Costello, are you?

Groucho Marx:
What do you consider a funny joke?

Aki Aleong:
Well, um, I was reading one the other day, and, um, well... What did the two flies say, after they flew off of Robinson Crusoe?

Groucho Marx:
I haven't the faintest idea.

Aki Aleong:
Well, they said, "So long. See you on Friday."

Francis X. Bushman:
[at age 75] I live for today, and I'm looking forward to the future.

Groucho Marx:
Well, that's a very sensible philosophy, Francis. I, on the other hand, am looking forward to tomorrow - because tomorrow I make my last payment on my garbage disposal. It's been quite a grind, but that's all down the drain.

Charles Goren:
[contract bridge expert] As a matter of fact, I was weaned on Pinochle.

Groucho Marx:
You were?

Charles Goren:
That was my first game.

Groucho Marx:
Is that so? We used milk in our house.

[interviewing man from Nigeria, where he can legally have up to seven wives]

Groucho Marx:
Which do you prefer: your way with seven wives or our way with one wife?

Man from Nigeria:
Well, I think it's just the same thing all over.

Groucho Marx:
Really?

Man from Nigeria:
In Nigeria, we marry seven at a time, and over here, you marry seven one at a time.

Groucho Marx:
Well, you see, over here the entire nation has been brought up on the installment plan.

[Groucho is now a contestant, and Fenneman is the quizmaster]

Groucho Marx:
Well, now that we know the answer, can we have that same question over again?

Steve Cory:
If I had to tell you everything that happened in my life, Groucho, it would take about eight hours.

Groucho Marx:
If I told you everything I did in my life, I'd get thirty years.