You Can't Do That on Television

Alasdair:
Alanis... I...

Alanis:
Yes, Alasdair?

Alasdair:
[voice cracking] Alanis... I...

Alanis:
YES, Alasdair?

Alasdair:
Alanis... If... if you won't go with me to the network party, I'm just going to have to kill myself, that's all.

Alanis:
Oh, Alasdair. How touching. I really want to help you. Okay.

Alasdair:
You'll come?

Alanis:
No, I'll go.

Alasdair:
You'll go? Great!

Alanis:
I'll go and get my father's gun.

Christine:
Oh, Alanis?

Alanis:
Yes, Christine?

Christine:
I'm having a party for Bruce Springsteen, you wanna come?

Alanis:
Bruce Springsteen! How do you know him?

Christine:
Well, I don't.

Alanis:
Then how can you have a party for him?

Christine:
You just buy some cheesies and soda pop and watch some videos, and voila.

Alanis:
But he won't be there.

Christine:
Well that's his loss, isn't it?

[repeated line]

Alasdair:
Sometimes, it's so easy, I'm ashamed of myself.

Valerie:
Vanessa, don't feed the cat under the table. Feed him on top of the table, instead!

Kevin:
You know, Barth runs a pretty clean place here.

Alasdair:
Clean? You call this place clean? Why even the rats wouldn't be caught dead in here!

Christine:
Yeah, and even if they did they'd end up in the burger mix anyway.

[repeated line]

Mr. Shidler:
Where does the school board find them and why do they send them to me?

[repeated lines]

Valarie:
He has a point.

Lance:
Don't encourage him!

[repeated lines]

Executioner:
Ready! Aim!

Jono:
Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Stop the execution!

Executioner:
What is it this time?

Valarie:
Chris you were our first born, then you Jill, you were our second born and Christian, you were our first.

Christian:
Really?

Valarie:
Yes! Our first BIG mistake.

[repeated line]

Jono:
You mean you're gonna let me go? All right! Blue skies, fresh air, open horizons, Barthy burgers, girls!

[repeated line]

Christine:
I just don't know!

Christine:
As you all know, Vanessa is new to the show and Vanessa, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask me.

Vanessa:
There is something I wanted to ask you.

Christine:
Sure?

Vanessa:
How do they make that slime they're always dumping on you?

Christine:
First they take some liquid and then they add some jello powder and some flour. Sometimes some soap and they dump it all over me.

Vanessa:
Where do they dump it from?

Christine:
Actually Vanessa, I've always wondered that too, but I just don't know.

[green slime falls on Christine's head]

Vanessa:
Interesting. Is it always green like this?

Christine:
Well, yeah it usually is, but I guess it could be red.

[red slime drops on Christine's head]

Christine:
Or... it could be blue.

[blue slime drops on Christine's head]

Christine:
[getting annoyed] Or yellow.

[yellow slime drops on Christine's head]

Christine:
Yep... Okay, you guys think you're so smart? Let's see stripes.

[red, yellow, and blue slime falls on Christine's head]

Vanessa:
Boy, must be tough being a TV star. By the way, how do you get this stuff out?

Christine:
Well, it usually washes out with water.

[water falls on Christine's head]

Christine:
Usually.

Lisa:
You know, Christine, I was just thinking...

Christine:
That's odd.

Christine:
[Ross comes onto the main set, playing a ukelele and singing. He gets on one knee near the cast all sitting there watching. Christine interrupts him] Ross, what are you doing?

Ross:
What do you mean 'what am I doing'? This is a ukelele. I'm telling you, everybody played a uke when I was a kid.

Christine:
Come on, Ross. Get with it man. Today's sounds are electronic. You know, guitar power? [the rest of the cast agrees]

Ross:
Oh, you mean like this? [Using the ukelele, he mimes playing an electric guitar for about 10 seconds, while the guitar solo break from Heart's 'Magic Man' is used. When he stops, he shakes his head] Nope. I don't like it. [Gets up and walks off playing the ukelele as he did before and singing]

Christine:
Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That on Television. Another in a long series of sour notes.

Mr. Shidler:
[Catches Brodie trying to sneak into class] You're late again. Thought you could sneak past me, Osome?

Brodie:
No sir.

Mr. Shidler:
Listen. do you have a note from your father?

Brodie:
Yeah. [singing loudly] MMMMIIIIII!

Mr. Shidler:
[Clearing out his ear] Whoo. You got me that time, kid. You're lucky your father is an operatic star.

Valarie:
[Valerie and Lance are sitting at the dining room table, Lance drinking a glass of scotch with the bottle next to him] Lance, I really think you're exaggerating. My mother doesn't hate you, dear.

Lance:
That's what you think.

Valarie:
Well Lance, if she hated you, she wouldn't have brought you that lovely bottle of scotch back from her trip to Inverness.

Lance:
Oh I admit that the bottle of scotch was very nice. I admit that, but it's what she brought Alasdair that proves she hates me!

Valarie:
[At that, Alasdar comes into the room playing a set of bagpipes badly, then grabs Lance's glass of scotch and leaves] You know, you may have a point there, dear.

Mr. Shidler:
Attention, can anyone tell me what the three 'B's are? [Underlines an upper-case B on the blackboard. Brodie raises his hand] Brodie?

Brodie:
The Boss, the Beatles, and the Beach Boys.

Lisa:
No. It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult, and the B52s. Yeah.

Justin:
No no no. How classless of you two. Everyone knows that the three 'B's are Beethoven, Bach, and Brahms.

Mr. Shidler:
Wrong! You're all wrong. The three 'B's are the worker, the drone and the queen 'bee'. [Draws two small 'e's next to the 'B'] This is a science class. You forgot. you kids have nothing but music on your minds. [They all start humming, and Mr. Shidler joins in]

Mr. Shidler:
[Everyone in class is playing an instrument badly] Hold it. Cut. CUT! [They stop] You know, sometimes, I wish I were like Beethoven.

Brodie:
Is that so you can write beautiful music for us to play?

Mr. Shidler:
No! Beethoven was deaf.

Brodie:
Well I think that can be arrainged, sir. [They all start playing badly again, this time louder]

Christine:
[Sees Brodie come in wearing a baseball uniform, and carrying a violin on his shoulder as one would do a baseball bat] Hey Brodie, what's happening. You going to play baseball?

Brodie:
I was, but my dad cornered me and ordered me to go home and play my violin.

Christine:
Well, that's a drag. What are you going to do now?

Brodie:
Compromise. [Throws a ball in the air, then bats it with the violin]

Mr. Shidler:
Now class, as we are going on a field trip, it's most important we know the basics of nature. Can anyone tell me, what are the four natural elements of the universe? [Lisa raises her hand] Lisa?

Lisa:
Earth.

Mr. Shidler:
Right. That's one. Um, Kevin?

Kevin:
Uh, air.

Mr. Shidler:
That's right. That's two. Uh, Christine?

Christine:
Um, fire!

Mr. Shidler:
Right. And now, Vanessa. Can you tell me what the fourth element is?

Vanessa:
Yeah, but I'm not going to.

Mr. Shidler:
Well, Vanessa, either you tell me what the fourth element is, or you tell me you don't know.

Vanessa:
Well, either way, I get something dumped on me. [Gives in] Okay, water. [And you know the rest]

Mr. Shidler:
Oh, it's moments like these that make teaching worthwhile.

Mother Nature:
[Alasdair and Vanessa are dragging a piece of carpet through the woods] [Yelling at them] Will you kids stop dragging that clean carpet through my muddy forest?

Alasdair and Vanessa:
[Together] Aww, but Mother Nature?

Mother Nature:
[Still yelling] And don't talk with your mouths empty!

Alasdair and Vanessa:
[Together] We're sorry.

Mother Nature:
[Still yelling] And stop being so polite! [Alsadair kicks her in the shin] [Smiling, speaking pleasently] That's very good.

Christine:
So tell me Lisa, did you enjoy your trip to the Grand Canyon?

Lisa:
Oh I sure did, and Moose the whole time I was there, I couldn't help thinking of you.

Christine:
Oh, really? Well that's nice. What made you think of me?

Lisa:
Well, you and the Grand Canyon are so very much alike. Shallow and dirty, and most of all, very very wide at the bottom. [Stomps her feet and giggles]

Christine:
You know Lisa, when you were talking about the Grand Canyon before?

Lisa:
Yeah?

Christine:
Well, you remind me of the Colorado River. That's the river that runs through the Grand Canyon.

Lisa:
Oh, you mean I'm miracle and romantic?

Christine:
[laughs] No. You're wet, twisted, loud, and you run on forever. [laughs and stomps her feet, stepping on Lisa's foot]

Blip:
[Vanessa enters the arcade with a large bear claw around her neck on a string. Blip stops her] Hold it kid. [Indicating the bear claw] What is this?

Vanessa:
It's my lucky bears foot. My dad got it for me on a hunting trip. It helps me win video games.

Blip:
Helps you win video games, eh? I'm soory kid, but you cannot come in here with that.

Vanessa:
Why not?

Blip:
Can't you read the sign? [Points to it] No 'bare' feet in the arcade. [Points towards the exit, and she leaves dejectedly]

Alasdair:
Hay Vanessa?

Vanessa:
Yeah Alasdair?

Alasdair:
Teddy Roosevelt was a famous sportsman, and Ernest Hemingway was a famous hunter. Can you name a famous camper?

Vanessa:
Yeah, my parent's Winnebago.

Lisa:
[Pops out of her locker] You know, how can you let Vanessa answer any more of these questions? Her jokes are terrible.

Vanessa:
I wouldn't talk, Lisa.

Christine:
[Pops out of her locker] That's all she can do. [Goes back in]

Lisa:
[Sitting on her bed, talking sympathetically to her sleeping bag] Look, there's a lot of worse things you could be, other then a sleeping bag. Like, you could be a pillow, or even a pin cushion.

Alasdair:
[Comes in the bedroom and sees her] Uh, Lisa, what are you doing?

Lisa:
Well, trying to cheer up this sleeping bag.

Alasdair:
Well, why would you want to cheer up the sleeping bag?

Lisa:
Well, because my dad says it's a down sleeping bag.

Alasdair:
A 'down' sleeping bag, Vanessa? [Starts to leave] You need help. A lot of help. [Leaves the bedroom frantically]

Christine:
[Cut to the main set] Down. Boy is that ever bad! You know whoever writes this stuff really needs a holiday.

Announcer:
[announcing the show that's been pre-empted] The A-Team makes one cup of coffee last five hours will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you a show for people with lots of time on their hands and nothing better to do.

Announcer:
Mr Rodgers Vandalizes the neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you this show which we managed to steal.

Lisa:
So I was over at Barff's place...

Barth:
Duh It's Barth. BARTH!

Lisa:
Woof, woof, whatever.

Announcer:
Mr Rodgers Vandalizes the neighborhood will not be seen at this time so that we may bring you the following program which we managed to steal.

Dungeon Guard:
All right Kubusheskie tell me... How long are you going to keep me chained up in here?

Kevin:
10 years or maybe 20. Who knows?

Alasdair:
There you are.

Lisa:
Alasdair what's wrong?

Alasdair:
Stephanie took my wallet.

Lisa:
How could she do something like that? She's so cute.

Alasdair:
Oh yeah.

[Aladsair takes his wallet out of Stephanie's pocket]

Alasdair:
Ah-Ha! This proves that Stephanie took my wallet.

Lisa:
And my watch? Stephanie!

Brodie:
Dad! Did you tell Christine that she could take the car out?

Senator Lance Prevert:
Yes, why?

Brodie:
But Christine can't drive. She's a girl! In fact, just now she...

Senator Lance Prevert:
I don't want to hear it! Christine has every right to take out the car as you boys do.

Brodie:
Okay, I guess that's fair. It's just... next time, tell her that she should open the garage door first.

Senator Lance Prevert:
I will.

[Brodie exits as Senator Prevert continues watching TV until his eyes open wide]

Senator Lance Prevert:
What?

Stephanie:
Snake Eyes, when are you going to retire?

Snake Eyes:
Retire? Oh Stephanie, I ain't never gonna retire I'm gonna die at the wheel!

Stephanie:
But how can you be so sure of that?

Snake Eyes:
'Cause we're gonna die right now - I'm drivin' off that cliff!

[repeated line]

Executioner:
That is one sneaky kid.

Kevin:
Hey Alisdair

Alasdair:
Yes Kevin?

Kevin:
Where do you go to pick up girls?

Alasdair:
The skating rink

Kevin:
Why the skating rink?

Alasdair:
Because that's where they usually fall down

[Christine throws water on Brodie]

Brodie:
What did you do that for?

Christine:
You said you wanted to be treated equally. Well, this is what happens to me every week... Sometimes twice.

[Christine throws more water on Brodie]

Brodie:
Now that is truly not fair.

Blip:
Hold it! No food in the arcade.

Alasdair:
Blip, this isn't food. It's a Barth Burger.

Blip:
No pets either.

Barth:
Duh, I heard that.

Martin:
Dad?

Senator Lance Prevert:
What?

Martin:
Would you write a note to my teacher explaining that our TV set is busted?

Senator Lance Prevert:
What? Our TV set isn't busted. Now, shut up Martin. I'm trying to watch the fight here.

Martin:
Dad, if our TV set isn't busted then I have to write a homework assignment about the opera that just started on PBS.

Senator Lance Prevert:
[takes out a note pad] What's your teacher's name?

Announcer:
[Announcing the preempted show] "Reading Rambo" will not be seen at this time because Rambo can't read.

Mr. Shidler:
Hmm? Well, isn't this a coincidence. Yeah all of you kids come from homes where the TV is busted.

[repeated line]

Barth:
Dddyyyaaaaiiiii heard that!

Doug:
Mom, it's not fair. You love Lisa the best.

Valerie:
That's not true, Dougie, I love Alasdair the best and then Lisa, you are seventh.

Doug:
But mom, there are only four kids in this family...

Valerie:
Yes, Dougie, but I love the Neighbors' kids more than I love you.

Doug:
But the neighbors only have two kids...

Valerie:
Yes, Dougie, but I love their cat more than I love you.

Christine:
Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time we've ever had twins on the show, so I'd like to introduce you to them.

[Pointing to Korbett]

Christine:
This is Kyle,

[pointing to Kyle]

Christine:
and this is Korbett.

Kyle:
No I'm Kyle.

[Points to Korbett]

Kyle:
He's Korbett.

Christine:
Oh, I'm sorry. Incidentally, how do people tell you apart?

Kyle, Korbett:
[Together, each pointing to the other] Easy. He's the ugly one.

Christine:
Jeez, I'm sorry I asked.

Christine:
Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That on Television, a show that is quickly becoming a matter of questionable taste.

Christine:
Hi, and welcome to another pailful episode of You Can't Do That on Television, the show that has nothing to fear from infection because it couldn't get any sicker then it already is.

Mr. Shidler:
[Lisa is yammering on to Christine about something and he's trying to get her attention] Lisa? Lisa? [Smacks her desk] Lisa!

Lisa:
[Startled] What?

Mr. Shidler:
Lisa please, do not talk with your mouth open.

Lisa:
Sir, don't you mean "do not talk with your mouth full"?

Mr. Shidler:
No, I mean don't talk with your mouth open.

Lisa:
But how else am I supposed to talk?

Mr. Shidler:
Exactly! [the rest of the class applauds]

Christine:
Hey Alasdair?

Alasdair:
Yeah Christine?

Christine:
When you blow your nose, do you use your right or left hand?

Alasdair:
Neither. I use Kleenex.

Elizabeth:
But Mom, I'm too old to have a clown at my birthday party.

Valerie:
Well I'm sorry, Elizabeth, but your father can stay if he wants.

Senator Lance Prevert:
Elizabeth, don't encourage your mother.

Eugene:
Hey Moose?

Christine:
What?

Eugene:
You know whenever my dad has beer, he never let's me have a glass.

Christine:
Well, I should hope not, Eugene. You're a little too young to drink.

Eugene:
Goes to show you how much you know. He says I'm old enough to take it from the bottle.

Christine:
Lisa, why are you drinking all that water?

Lisa:
Well, remember last year at summer camp?

Christine:
Oh, do I? With the hard beds, and the cruel counselors, and all the black flies, and all the mosquito bites we got!

Lisa:
Well, right, so mom told me that I can't go if I don't stop wetting the bed. Soooo. [Christine gets it, grabs a glass, drinks it, then along with Lisa, pours the rest in her bed]

Alasdair:
[Rings the doorbell. Christine opens the door] Hi. I'm here.

Christine:
What are you doing here so early? I told you to come after dinner.

Alasdair:
Well, that's what I'm after. Dinner. [Walks in past Christine] What are you guys having.

Coach:
[Corey pitches a bologna sandwich to Alasdair, who hits it with his baseball bat. The coach walks in blowing his whistle] All right. How many times do I have to tell you kids, don't play with your food.

Valarie:
[Lisa and Valerie are standing in the kitchen. To Lisa, holding out her hand] Gloves?

Lisa:
[Pulls them out of a lower cupboard and hands them to her] Gloves.

Valarie:
[Putting on gloves] Sieve?

Lisa:
[Pulls sieve out of same place, and hands it to her] Sieve.

Valarie:
Foil?

Lisa:
[Pulls out a box of aluminum foil] Foil.

Valarie:
Not that foil. [She puts it down, then pulls out a fencing foil] Ah, foil. [Takes it in her right hand, while she holds the sieve over her face like a fencing mask]

Alasdair:
[Running in] What's for dinner, mom?

Valarie:
Swordfish, Alasdair. It'll be ready in just a minute. [to someone else] All right. En garde! [Starts swordfighting with an apparent swordfish]

Christine:
Hi, and welcome to sort of a... musty episode of You Can't Do That on Television. The show that makes modern history every week by continually appalling its viewers.

Adam:
Hey Ross. Whats with the flag?

Ross:
Well you know what kids? I've just decided that communism ain't so bad after all.

Alanis:
And you made us wear these tacky helmets and then you become a communist.

Adam:
Now cool it comrade,this is just the introductsky

Adam, Ross, Alanis, Stephanie, Chris, Matthew:
to the oppositesovich.

Rekha:
Hey Vanessa.

Vanessa:
Yes Rekha?

Rekha:
Is stupidity contagious?

Vanessa:
No. Why who do you think you're going to get it from?

Rekha:
Boys.

Vanessa:
I wouldn't worry about that. It only affects the male of the species.

Doug, Jody, Alasdair:
Sexist!

Jody:
Hey Doug.

Doug:
Yes Jody

Jody:
Why did you get your hair cut?

Doug:
They told me that I looked like Vanessa.

Jody:
Well, she got her hair cut so I can say that you still look like Vanessa.

Doug:
You said it Jody and now you're gonna regret it.

Jody:
[Doug gets out of his locker and goes into Jody's locker] Hey I was just kidding! [Sound of punches landing]

Matthew:
Hi and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television. Today's show is about Enemies and Paranoia.

Adam:
Matthew what's paranoia?

Ross:
The Russians is coming. THE RUSSIANS IS COMING!

Matthew:
That's extreme paranoia; not to mention bad grammar.

Adam:
What is it Ross? Is it the Russians?

Ross:
No! It's a yellow bellied sap sucker you idiot. Of course it's the Russians. Here they come.

[the 1812 Oveture plays as each person is hit in the face with a cream pie]

Russian:
See you later capitalistic kidskis.

Stephanie:
Ross you made us go through all of that and all they did was thow pies in our faces?

Adam:
Good one Ross.

Angie:
[after Kevin pulls Angie's string] Hello. I'm Angie the Talking Doll.

Kevin:
[Hoarsely] Angie how do I quit smoking?

Angie:
Where there's smoke there's fire. [Angie takes a bucket of water and dumps it over Kevin's head]

Christine:
[Lisa begs and pleads with Christine not to make her loose her voice] Okay whoever wants to hear absolute silence from Lisa for the rest of the show please press the green button right now! [the yes side of the arguement wins and Lisa looses her voice. She holds up a sign that reads "I'll get you for this Moose!"]

Christine:
Hey Lisa what are you doing?

[Lisa scribbles down on a piece of paper]

Christine:
[Reading] I'm waiting to introduce the commercials. I wondered why it was so silent in here?

[Scribbles something down on to a piece of paper]

Christine:
[Reads] If I can't introduce the commercials then we don't get paid. Okay whoever wants to hear nothing but silence from Lisa for the rest of the show push the red button. If you want to hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid the touch the green button. Press NOW!

[Lisa voice hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper]

Christine:
[Reads] Try something else. Oh hey. Douggie come here. Whoever wants to see Douggie here get hit by green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so that we can get paid press the green button. Whoever doesn't want see Douggie get hit with green slime and hear Lisa introduce the commercials so we can get paid press the red button. Press NOW!

[Lisa's voice still hasn't returned. Lisa scribbles something down on a piece of paper]

Christine:
[Reads] Try something else. Okay. Vanessa come here. Whoever wants to see Vanessa here get hit with water [Christine gets hit with a bucket of water] Press the green button on your screen right now.

[Everyone has said yes. Doug gets hit with green slime, Vanessa gets hit with water, and Lisa gets her voice back]

Lisa:
And now it's time for a commercial.

James:
Ross what are you doing?

Ross:
I thought it might be a good idea to get some bigger kids in here.

James:
But Ross if you have bigger kids on the show you won't be able to bully them or steal their money.

Ross:
Hey I didn't steal money from kids I borrowed it.

Vanessa:
I'd like to see back all of that money you "borrowed" from me.

Ross:
Well I guess that all just water under the bridge.

Vanessa:
[after a bucket of water is dropped on her head] What was that for? Ross was the one who said water not me.

Ross:
Well Vanessa it seems that was one of the things that you owe us.

Announcer:
You can't do that on television has been a Name that tune production, I can name that tune in one note way way off key [chuckles] Hmmmm?

Kevin:
I'll be glad when we finally get the dishwasher fixed.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television is a blood is thicker than water production... OH NO! NO! [Water gets dumped on the announcer's head]

Kevin:
Hey Christine. Wutta you doing?

Christine:
Kevin? Have you been listening to yourself?

Kevin:
No.

Christine:
Well you should.

Kevin:
It's surfer talk.

Christine:
You're not a surfer. You should learn to use good grammar.

Kevin:
Wutta am I going to do. [Kevin groans as a bucket of water is dumped on his head!] Oh come on! I said "what are?"? Not water. [Kevin groans again]

Christine:
See how important it is to use good grammar? I used wuttar but now I say what are instead of wuttar. [Christine gets a bucket of water dumped on her head]

Kevin:
Wonderful isn't it?

Christine:
Who made this up? We both got it.

Robin:
Dad, Dad!

Dad:
Yes, Robin?

Robin:
The dog just ate the pie Mom baked for you for supper.

Dad:
Aw, don't worry, Robin, dear. I'll buy you a new dog.

Mr. Schidtler:
All right. Attention class. I have a special announcement. There'll be only a half day of school this morning.

The Class:
[with cheers] All right! Yeah!

Mr. Schidtler:
[holding up a hand for silence] You'll have the other half this afternoon.

Bradford Wiltse:
Dad?

Sen. Prevort:
Eh... yeah.

Bradford Wiltse:
What's the definition of ignorance and apathy?

Sen. Prevort:
Ignorance and apathy?

Bradford Wiltse:
Yeah.

Sen. Prevort:
I don't know and I don't give a sh... care.

Bradford Wiltse:
Oh, thanks.

Bradford Wiltse:
I don't think my dad likes me.

Cindy Kennedy:
Ah, come on, Brad. What makes you think that?

Bradford Wiltse:
Well, he's always buying me TOYS.

Cindy Kennedy:
Wait a minute - "always buying you toys?" and you say he doesn't like you?

Bradford Wiltse:
Yeah, but, I mean, every time the government publishes a list of dangerous toys, he always goes in and buys me every single one of them.

Jim Stechyson:
[chained up in the dungeon] It's not school that I hate, it's the principal of it.

Narrator:
You Can't Do That on Television has been a Green Slime Production.

[Forced to use twenty dollar bills when toilet tissues were out, Mr. Dime orders a padlock for the executive washroom]

Mr. Dime:
[on the phone] Well, then, PADLOCK it this time. I don't want ANYONE using that executive washroom except the executives! What? I don't care how much it's going to cost. Last time, someone else got in there and took... they took all the toilet tissue. It cost me three hundred dollar. Never mind HOW! None of your business! Get that place locked up!

Jim:
Hey, Sarah.

Sarah:
Yeah?

Jim:
How about a little game of Pony Express?

Sarah:
What's Pony Express?

Jim:
Well, it's kind of like Post Office only there's a little more horsing around.

Narrator:
This has been a Staff Privvy/Executive Washroom Production.

Announcer:
PacMan Eats General Hospital will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring the following.

Lisa Ruddy:
Why do we eat here?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
I think we're addicted to cat meat.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Lance Prevort:
Martin, Martin, the radio! Turn it up. Your mother and I can hear ourselves think.

Martin Kerr:
But, Dad, I like to listen to it soft.

Lance Prevort:
No buts. And, by the way, crank it over to a rock station.

Lance Prevort:
Why can't you go over to the arcade and play Space Invaders, mixing with delinquents the way the other kids do?

El Capitano:
Ready! Aim!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Wait a minute! Stop the execution!

El Capitano:
What is it this time?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Don't you think that maybe this could be a little dangerous?

El Capitano:
Dangerous? Ha-ha-ha! "Dangerous!" Ha-ha. Sure! Dangerous for YOU, but not for me. Heh-heh. Amigos... Ready! Aim!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
No, I mean for you.

El Capitano:
Oh-ho, ha-ha-ha! For me, dangerous? Ha-ha-ha-ha. How?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Don't you think that maybe you're becoming addicted to these executions? How long have you been out here, anyway, trying to shoot someone?

El Capitano:
Oh, a long time.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
That's right. And don't you wake up every morning eager to get out here?

El Capitano:
Ah, heh-heh-hehh, yeah, I suppose so.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
And don't you think that the more people you shoot the more dangerous it becomes?

El Capitano:
Maybe, but, uh, I don't know, what can I do?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, knowing that you're addicted is the first part of the cure, so you're halfway there.

El Capitano:
Oh, good.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
But the second part of the cure is much more difficult, and it is also very important if you are ever to become free of this dangerous addiction of yours.

El Capitano:
[mumbles] Wait a minute, you've got to tell me what to do. I don't want to be a slave to my addiction.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Okay, well the first thing you do is you stand here like a prisoner, okay?

El Capitano:
[trading positions with Kevin] Oh. Well, that's not so hard.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Okay. And to make you feel like it's real, I have to play YOUR part, okay?

El Capitano:
Okay. Wait. Are you sure this is going to work?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Oh, yeah. You'll be cured all right. Now, ready! Aim! FIRE!

[guns fire]

Kevin Kubusheskie:
I told you you'll be cured.

El Capitano:
[dying] That's one... sneaky... kid. Sacramento!

Valerie Prevort:
[at the sink] Either I'm addicted to washing dishes or your father is addicted to dirtying them.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, why don't you get Lisa to wash them?

Valerie Prevort:
Because Lisa has to go to her ballet practice. But, Kevin, YOU don't have to go anywhere. You can stay and help me do the dishes.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[eyes wide with alarm] Ah, no, I have to, uh... go to my... ballet lesson.

Valerie Prevort:
[as Kevin exists] Oh, all right, dear. Wait a minute! You don't have a ballet practice. You get back here!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[returning] Well, it was worth a try.

Announcer:
[as a Pac-Man image devours Lisa, Christine and Kevin] You Can't Do That On Television has been an Eat 'Em Up Production.

Lisa Ruddy:
Mom, what happened at General Hospital today?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, Lisa it was terrible. Luke and Laura have been hit by the mob. And Luke had his right arm cut off! And Laura is about to loose the baby that Dr. Grenville is trying to save, except that it's really Dr. Grenville's baby, and if Luke ever finds out he'll probally try and kill him, except that the mob knows about this. So, they're trying to blackmail Laura's mother into telling them where their money that Cynthia has in the safe that Laura...

Lisa Ruddy:
[interupting] No, no, Mom. Not THAT General Hospital. The real general hospital downtown where they took Dad for an accute apendicitis. They didn't know if he would live or die. What happened?

Valerie Prevort:
I don't know. But it's not that important because today I learned that Cynthia is really Luke's first wife from out on the post and she's about to have a baby... and it may be Luke's.

Announcer:
Dallas and Dynasty - those two sagas of rampant ambition - will not be seen at this time. In their place we present something less ambitious BUT more rampant.

Ben Schreiner:
When a businessman creates an empire by stomping on his competitors, what's that called?

Doug Ptolemy:
Ambition?

Ben Schreiner:
And when a politician lies and cheats to get elected, what's that called?

Doug Ptolemy:
Ambition?

Ben Schreiner:
But when a kid writes his own note because he's late for school, what's that called?

Doug Ptolemy:
Ambition?

Ben Schreiner:
Nope. Detention.

Christine McGlade:
I have to grow as an actress.

Ross Ewich:
Take your vitamins.

Doug Ptolemy:
Hey, Alasdair, what was the most ambitious thing you've ever done?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, I did once try to get into the Book of World Records for the highest score in a PacMan game.

Doug Ptolemy:
So what happened?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, I DID get into the book of records but under a different category.

Doug Ptolemy:
What was that?

Alasdair Gillis:
Most quarters spent by a thirteen-year-old in a single day.

Barth Baggs:
Listen, you guys, you can laugh if you like, but, Lisa, I will have you know that I have served over 250,000.

Lisa Ruddy:
But how many EATEN?

Barth Baggs:
I heard that!

Ben Schreiner:
You know what the funny thing about ambition is?

Doug Ptolemy:
No.

Ben Schreiner:
If you don't have enough, you're lazy, and if you have too much, you're ruthless. You just can't win.

Ross Ewich:
[finding the kids lying all over the set] Come ON! We're supposed to be doin' a show on Ambition. You kids look lazier than usual.

Christine McGlade, Doug Ptolemy, Lisa Ruddy, Ben Schreiner, Vanessa Lindores:
It's the Opposites!

Ross Ewich:
With YOU kids, AMBITION is the opposite.

Alasdair Gillis:
[at summer camp] Ben, what're you doing? The 100-mile hike isn't until tomorrow.

Ben Schreiner:
[packing his knapsack] Well, I'm just following our camp director's orders.

Alasdair Gillis:
What orders?

Ben Schreiner:
Well, remember this morning he told us not to rest until we've achieved our ambition in life?

Alasdair Gillis:
Yeah? So?

Ben Schreiner:
Well, my ambition is to go home.

[Packed, Ben abruptly leaves]

Alasdair Gillis:
[calling after him] BEN! YOU'LL NEVER MAKE IT PAST THE GUARD DOGS! OR THE BARBED WIRED!

Ben Schreiner:
[from far off] I have to try!

Christine McGlade:
I need something deep, something that will bring out the best in me.

Alasdair Gillis:
How about a laxative?

Ben Schreiner:
Aw, but you GOTTA let me do a video!

Ross Ewich:
Are you outta your tree? You know how expensive those things are? Michael Jackson's last rock video cost over a million dollars.

Ben Schreiner:
Ah, couldn't we just HIDE it in the budget somewhere?

Doug Ptolemy:
Mom, what was your ambition in life?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, Dougie, when I was a little girl I always dreamed of having a wonder husband, beautiful children and a gorgeous house.

Doug Ptolemy:
Boy, are you ever lucky. You got everything you ever hoped for.

Valerie Prevort:
Whoever said I got ANYTHING I ever hoped for? Eat you oatmeal.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been an Overly Ambitious Production... again.

Ben Schreiner:
The greatest invention of all time is the thermos bottle.

Mr. Schidtler:
The thermos bottle?

Ben Schreiner:
Yeah. Keeps my soup warm in the winter and lemonade cold in the summer.

Mr. Schidtler:
So?

Ben Schreiner:
How does it know?

Lance Prevort:
Ugh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays sittin' in front of that stupid screen!

Ben Schreiner:
Not true, Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.

[Lisa has included Disneyland among the all-time greatest accomplishments of Mankind]

Mr. Schidtler:
Disneyland? How can you compare Disneyland with the Great Wall of China and the Pyramids?

Lisa Ruddy:
You know, I guess you're right, sir. They were okay but their rides just weren't as good.

Mr. Schidtler:
[looking skyward] Rides? Where does the Board of Education get them, and why do they keep sending them to me?

Mr. Schidtler:
Judging by these marks, I would say that some of you have been studying when you should have been goofing off. Ben! What is the meaning of this mark? Look here, you got a 95.

Ben Schreiner:
I'm sorry, sir. I must have remembered a few things by accident.

Mr. Schidtler:
Well, that's not good enough. You're staying after school and you are gonna sit and stare out that window like the rest of the kids.

Ben Schreiner:
But, honestly, sir, I did my worst.

Mr. Schidtler:
Well, I guess your worst just wasn't BAD ENOUGH.

Lance Prevort:
How many times do I have to tell ya that'd we can't all be, uh, brain stergeons and, uh, nuclear physa-kists. SOMEBODY'S gotta clean out the cesspools and the sewers and play drums in, uh, rock bands.

Doug Ptolemy:
So, Mom, whadda ya think of my ambition to get into archaeology?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, I can DIG it, Dougie. Get it? "Dig" it?

Alasdair Gillis:
Is it true before you worked in an arcade you were in the army?

Blip:
Oh, army? Yes, sir!

Alasdair Gillis:
I can kinda see where the two jobs must have been similar.

Blip:
Ohh... Whadda mean?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, in both places you were...

Alasdair Gillis:
[flipping a coin]... confined to quarters.

Alasdair Gillis:
Why's the firing squad so restless today?

El Capitano:
Ah, I'll tell you, kid. They're restless because they are sick and tired of shooting at little kids like you. They want to shoot something bigger. In fact, they all have a secret ambition to shoot at El Presidente, yeah?

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, that IS ambitious.

El Capitano:
Yeah, sure.

Alasdair Gillis:
You think they'll ever get the chance?

El Capitano:
I don't think so. No. Where are they going to get the experience shooting adults?

Alasdair Gillis:
What... Do they WANT some practice?

El Capitano:
Of COURSE they want practice, but where are they going to find someone BIG?

Alasdair Gillis:
YOU! You can be the target.

El Capitano:
Me? Well, that's not a bad idea, but, uh, who is going to be El Capitano?

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, I can be the capitano.

El Capitano:
You?

Alasdair Gillis:
Yeah. It's always been my secret ambition to be a capitano.

El Capitano:
Really?

Alasdair Gillis:
Yeah. They're so dashing, and daring, and romantically handsome.

El Capitano:
[giggling from the flattery] Y-you really think so?

Alasdair Gillis:
Yeah, and this could be my one chance.

El Capitano:
Yes, and, you know, you're right because it's the one chance for the firing squad, the amigos, to shoot someone big instead of all you stupid little kids. We change places.

Alasdair Gillis:
Okay.

Announcer:
Real People's Armpits will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following disjointed program.

Ross Ewich:
Now, uh, I think I should point out though, Christine, in all honesty, to me YOU will always be a perfect ten.

Christine McGlade:
Oh, heh... Well, thank you, Ross. Uh, I didn't really know you cared.

Ross Ewich:
Mind you, you should also remember that, uh, that's out of a hundred.

El Capitano:
Ready! Aim!

Christine McGlade:
Wait! Wait! Stop the execution!

El Capitano:
What IS it?

Christine McGlade:
Well, ya see, I planned to donate my body to science - and what good would it be if it was all shot up? - and, well, I'd have to give the money back.

El Capitano:
[to the squad] I think we have a problem here, amigos.

El Capitano:
[to Christine] It looks like we're going to HAVE to cancel your execution...

Christine McGlade:
Oh, great.

El Capitano:
...and drown you, instead.

Lisa Ruddy:
Why do you love Mom?

Lance Prevort:
Why do I love your mother? I'll tell you, 'cause that's easy. Beneath those false teeth, the polyester wig and the padded bra, and all that makeup there lies a very sincere person.

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, thank you, Lance.

Lance Prevort:
I think.

Ross Ewich:
Christine, I've just came back from the doctor's and he tells me I have the body of a seventeen-year-old.

Christine McGlade:
Well, give it back, Ross. You're getting it all wrinkled.

Coach:
Listen, you guys, when I said before that I wanted you to start using your feet in this game - to run, to scramble - I didn't mean for you to run OFF the field and scramble OUTTA the stadium.

Christine McGlade:
Doesn't it just make you gag, Karen, that there are thousands of ugly, little parasites that are completely dependent on our bodies for their very survival?

Karen Grant:
Oh, come on, Christine. That's no way to talk about our country's politicians.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, it's not fair, sir. I shouldn't be in detention anyway. It's not my fault the teacher tripped over my foot.

Principal:
You're right, Alasdair.

Alasdair Gillis:
[getting up to go] Thank you.

Principal:
And... Wait a minute. Look, if you can arrange to have your foot stay here in detention, then the rest of you may go.

Lance Prevort:
[at dinner] This chicken reminds me of my initiation into my college fr-fraternity.

Lisa Ruddy:
Why?

Lance Prevort:
Well, because, to get into the fraternity, ya had to eat a chicken breast.

Lisa Ruddy:
Dad, what kind of dumb initiation ceremony is that? Anybody can eat a chicken!

Lance Prevort:
No-no-no-no-no. It wasn't easy as all that! You know, the, uh, feathers, eh, they'd get, uh, tickled your throat and get stuck down there. And, uh, before you're finished, that chicken'd have your eyes almost pecked out.

[Lisa turns to vomit on the floor]

Valerie Prevort:
Lisa, dear, you've got to learn to stop encouraging your father, especially at the supper table.

[the librarian discovers Ben standing naked while reading a book]

Librarian:
Young man! What on Earth are you doing?

Ben Schreiner:
Well, you see, ma'am, I was just checking out this book on childhood development and comparing it with myself to see how I was doing.

Alasdair Gillis:
I'm NOT picking my nose. I'm just brushing my nasal hairs.

Alasdair Gillis:
...you know what even makes me more nervous?

Christine McGlade:
What?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, we're nearing the end of the show and no one's had water dumped on them y...

[Water pours upon Alasdair]

Christine McGlade:
You can rest easy now.

Nasti:
So, Schreiner, it's finally here. This is your day of release.

Ben Schreiner:
Really? Oh, boy-o-boy. Finally - blue skies, Barfy Burgers, GIRLS!

Nasti:
Except for one thing. We lost the key.

Ben Schreiner:
Oh, I knew there had to be a catch somewhere.

Nasti:
However, we gotta go by the rules. Yes, we have got to release you. We've gotta turn you free.

Ben Schreiner:
Oh, I see. Then you're gonna have to cut the shackles off my wrists, right?

Nasti:
Not quite. Not exactly. We're gonna cut your wrists off the shackles.

Ben Schreiner:
WHAT?

Nasti:
[producing a chainsaw] Yeah! Come on. Oh, listen, wait a minute, you don't wanna us to ruin a perfect pair of shackles, do you? Besides, we might find the key. Now, hold still.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Foot in the Mouth Production.

Announcer:
Mr. Rogers Bullies The Neighborhood Kids will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring more excessive violence on television.

Lisa Ruddy:
Has anyone ever bullied Barfy?

Zilch:
Yeah, just once.

Lisa Ruddy:
What happened?

Zilch:
Who do you think's in the burgers?

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that! Served her right, too.

[Barth whacks Zilch across the head with his frying pan]

El Capitano:
Ready! Aim!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Wait a minute. Stop the execution.

El Capitano:
What is it this time?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Wha...

Alasdair Gillis:
[entering, interrupting] What are you, some kinda nerd or something? I mean, how long have you been trying to shoot this wimp here, anyway?

El Capitano:
Well...

Alasdair Gillis:
You call yourself a capitano?

El Capitano:
Si.

Alasdair Gillis:
Why, you couldn't even captain a blasted ship in your bathtub.

El Capitano:
What?

Alasdair Gillis:
Get outta my way and I'll show you how it's done.

Alasdair Gillis:
[taking his sword aggressively] Ready! Aim! Fire!

[two shots ring out but Kevin isn't hit]

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[delighted] He missed! Ha-ha!

Alasdair Gillis:
Whadda you mean "He missed!" You call that a firing squad?

El Capitano:
Si.

Alasdair Gillis:
[shoving the sword back into El Capitano's hand] Stay here.

[Alasdair walks off camera. El Capitano and Kevin watch as Alasdair, apparently, roughs up the squad]

Alasdair Gillis:
[returning, covered in dust] There, that outta show 'em who's boss.

El Capitano:
What did you do to the firing squad? And what am I going to do WITHOUT a firing squad. Hm?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Could take a coffee break.

El Capitano:
Hey, dhat's a good idea. HEY, AMIGOS, COFFEE BREAK!

El Capitano:
[to Kevin] Come on. Hey, you want a coffee?

El Capitano:
[as Alasdair moves to join them] NOT YOU!

[El Capitano walks off with a buddy arm around Kevin and Kevin sticks his tongue out at Alasdair]

Christine McGlade:
Hi. And welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television - the show that beats you over the head with sick jokes, bad puns and lousy acting.

[Brodie can't believe Kevin couldn't defend himself against a bully's recent attack]

Brodie Osome:
You've been studying hard at the martial arts. I've seen you chop through a 2x4 with your bare hands. How'd you let him do it?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, he wasn't holdin' the piece of wood.

Lance Prevort:
[advising his bullied daughter] If you ever get bullied again, I want you to go straight to the vice principal.

Lisa Ruddy:
But, Dad, the person who's bullying me IS the vice principal.

Lance Prevort:
There'll be no washing dishes while there's television to be watched.

Christine McGlade:
Alasdair, you gotta stop bullying Kevin.

Alasdair Gillis:
Why?

Christine McGlade:
Because it's immoral. It's cruel and unusual punishment. And, besides, if you don't, I'll get Lisa to explain all about it to you. It shouldn't take more than, oh, four or five hours.

Alasdair Gillis:
Motormouth Ruddy?

Christine McGlade:
Yeah.

Alasdair Gillis:
I'll stop right now. I promise.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Black Eye Production.

[Alasdair harrasses Kevin]

Mr. Schidtler:
Alasdair! I... will... not... tolerate bullying in... my... classroom. So, get out in the hall. And, Kevin, uh, will you join him, please?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Ah, but, sir...

Mr. Schidtler:
So he can bully you in the hall!

Alasdair:
[Mom walks in while Alasdair is changing clothes] Mom, hey, Mom, don't burst in like that. You almost caught me with my pants down.

Mom:
Oh, Alasdair, for Heaven's sakes, are you afraid I'll see your underpants? I see enough of your underpants every day, young man. I wash your underpants. I know how dirty they get.

Alasdair:
OK, Mom.

Mom:
Oh, and as for the rest? Alasdair, I saw it even before you did, dear, the day you were born. Through a magnifying glass. They... they thought you were a girl.

Announcer:
Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Joins The A-Team will not be shown at this time. In its place we present another Christmas turkey.

Christine McGlade:
Hi. And welcome to a festive episode of You Can't Do That On Television.

Alasdair Gillis:
I was in this store and there's an Express Santa, I mean for kids that wanted less than five presents.

Ross Ewich:
Oh, yeah? Was he busy?

Alasdair Gillis:
No. Who wants less than five presents?

Alasdair Gillis:
You know, you can't get real mistletoe anymore.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, then I guess you can't get real kisses anymore, either.

El Capitano:
Hey, what's going on here? How come you wearing those clothes?

Doug Ptolemy:
[in a red suit and white wig] I'm Santa Claus, ho-ho-ho.

El Capitano:
Santa Claus? I thought he was fat.

Doug Ptolemy:
Santa's been doing some dieting, bit of jogging, some tennis, ho-ho-ho.

El Capitano:
Well, you do look good.

Doug Ptolemy:
Thanks.

El Capitano:
Wait a minute. Santa has a long white beard.

Doug Ptolemy:
Santa's been shaving.

El Capitano:
Oh. Oh. Ah, but Santa Claus is very old.

Doug Ptolemy:
I don't take a very good picture. In the flesh I look a lot younger, ho-ho-ho.

El Capitano:
That's it. I believe you. You... are... Santa Claus. And, you know, seeing as you left me just a pair of socks last Christmas... Amigos! Ready! Aim!...

Coach:
Guys, last Christmas I asked Santa Claus for a winning team. What did I get?

Coach:
[grabbing Alasdair roughly] Lumps of coal.

Christine McGlade:
Oh, listen, what're we gonna do about all the presents around here?

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, the same thing as last year. We'll put everyone's name in a hat, and you draw someone, and that's the person you buy a present for.

Christine McGlade:
So THAT"S why Ross is writing his name down on all those little pieces of paper.

Valerie Prevort:
It's driving Dougie crazy. He can't find his Christmas presents anywhere.

Lance Prevort:
Ah-ha-ha. Where DID you hide 'em?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, I found a place he hasn't looked in years - under his bed.

[Caroling kids come to sing Silent Night on Lance's porch]

Lance Prevort:
Oh, no. No. What is this racket?

Doug Ptolemy:
We're carolling.

Lance Prevort:
I can HEAR THAT! Don't you know anything hipper than Silent Night? Hm?

Alasdair Gillis:
Okay.

Doug Ptolemy:
Okay.

Doug Ptolemy, Alasdair Gillis, Lisa Ruddy:
[breaking out in a Twisted Sister song] WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT! NO, WE'RE NOT GONNA TAKE IT!

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, Doug, what'd you get the coach for Christmas?

Doug Ptolemy:
I got him a necktie.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, I wouldn't give it to him if I were you.

Doug Ptolemy:
Why not?

Alasdair Gillis:
'Cause that's how we lost the last coach: he hanged himself with a necktie after one of our games.

Lance Prevort:
I'm a senator. I'm not an engineer.

Lisa Ruddy:
Um, Ross, thank you very much for the Christmas bonuses.

Vanessa Lindores, Doug Ptolemy:
Yeah, thanks.

Ross Ewich:
Oh, it was nothing.

Christine McGlade:
Almost.

Announcer:
Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. You Can't Do That On Television has been a Merry Little Production. Ho-ho-ho-ho-ho. Ho-ho-ho...

Lance Prevort:
[finishing a story about Santa Claus at bedtime] Well, how did you like that story, Vanessa?

Vanessa Lindores:
Entertaining, Dad, but there's just a few inconsistencies.

Lance Prevort:
Incan-wha-whats-tacies?

Vanessa Lindores:
Inconsistencies.

Lance Prevort:
Oh.

Vanessa Lindores:
You see, I was just figuring...

Lance Prevort:
Mm-hm.

Vanessa Lindores:
For Santa to travel all the way around the world to every kid's house on one night, his sled would have to travel approximately 200,000 miles per hour.

Lance Prevort:
Yeah, but ya see, he's got on a rocket-powered sled. And, d'yeh, he... Oh, and he knows a bunch of good shortcuts.

Vanessa Lindores:
What about fuel consumption?

Lance Prevort:
Dah...

Vanessa Lindores:
According to my calculations, he'd have to refuel approximately every...

Lance Prevort:
Oh, he's got... he's got diesel-powered reindeer. Yeah. V-very fuel efficient.

Vanessa Lindores:
Well, what about presents? How would he get all those presents in his sled?

Lance Prevort:
Because he, d'yeah, picks them up all along the way.

Vanessa Lindores:
Must be a lotta work.

Lance Prevort:
It IS a lotta work, Vanessa - and, you know, you could help Santa cut his workload.

Vanessa Lindores:
How's that?

Lance Prevort:
Go without presents this year.

Vanessa Lindores:
Well, come to think of it, a little hard work never hurt anybody.

Alasdair Gillis:
[making a speech] Okay, it has eleven letters, it begins with 'S'...

Mr. Schidtler:
Hold it.

Alasdair Gillis:
...and when...

Mr. Schidtler:
Wait a minute, Alasdair. What're you doing?

Alasdair Gillis:
I'm giving my report, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Your assignment was to give me a review of A Christmas Carol.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, that's right, and Silent Night's my favorite Christmas carol.

Mr. Schidtler:
Not a Christmas carol, A Christmas Carol by, um, Charles Dickens.

Alasdair Gillis:
I've never heard any by him, sir, but maybe if you sung a couple lines, it might come back to me.

Mr. Schidtler:
[looking Heavenward] Oh-ho-ho, no! Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to me?

Mr. Schidtler:
Now, can anyone in the class think of any other countries that have contributed to the enrichment of our yuletide celebrations.

Vanessa Lindores:
Oh, sir, sir, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Vanessa.

Vanessa Lindores:
The far east.

Mr. Schidtler:
The far east. What have they given us?

Vanessa Lindores:
Presents.

Mr. Schidtler:
No-no-no. I think you'll find, Vanessa, that the custom of giving presents was from the Romans.

Vanessa Lindores:
No-no-no-no. I mean the presents themselves. I mean, you look on the bottom of any toy, they all come from the far east - Hong Kong, Taiwan, Japan...

Alasdair Gillis:
[noticing Snake-Eyes' jolly mood] Hey, Snake-Eyes?

Snake-Eyes:
Hm?

Alasdair Gillis:
Whadda ya like most about Christmas? Is it the Christmas dinner or all the presents?

Snake-Eyes:
Nope, nope, neither one. Gettin' rid o' you kids for two weeks.

Nasti:
Oh, Alasdair. Close... close your eyes.

Alasdair Gillis:
Why? I don't have to close my eyes.

Nasti:
CLOSE YOUR EYES!

Alasdair Gillis:
Okay, they're closed.

Nasti:
I got ya a Christmas present.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, you did? What is it?

Nasti:
Look.

Nasti, Alasdair Gillis:
[opening his eyes; together] Water skies!

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, great. I always wanted to learn how to water ski. Oh, great.

Nasti:
Yeah.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, well, there's one problem. Where am I gonna do it?

Nasti:
How about in the mote?

Alasdair Gillis:
Don't be silly. The mote's full of sharks.

Nasti:
Yah. Vell, you just haf to learn - QUICK. Ha ha-ha ha ha. See ya around... there.

Vanessa Lindores:
I just wanna get Santa a snack. Whadda ya think he'd like?

Lance Prevort:
Beer. Beer and pizza and a couple big sandwiches, some chips...

Valerie Prevort:
But, um, Lance, I think SANTA is probably on a diet, dear.

Lance Prevort:
Oh, Santa says he's not on a diet.

Valerie Prevort:
Well, he should be.

Lance Prevort:
Oh, you think so, do ya?

Valerie Prevort:
Uh, yes, otherwise they're going to have to write Goodyear on his tummy and float him over the football stadium.

Lance Prevort:
Hm-hm-HMM! And, guess what? Mrs. Clause is goin' on a trip to the North Pole.

Announcer:
Pavorotti Sings The Blues will not be seen at this time. In its place we present the following out-of-tune program.

Christine McGlade:
Hi. And welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, another in a long series of sour notes. Unless you're absolutely tone deaf, you've probably realized by now that this week's show is about music. But just in case you ARE tone deaf, I thought I would enlighten you, the audience, by telling you that the opening music to this show is actually a classical piece. It's by an Italian composer named Rosini and it's called "The William Tell Overture."

Ross Ewich:
Uh-uh-uh, no-no-no. They SHOULD have used Debussey's "la Danse de Laisse Marionnettes."

Christine McGlade:
Why is that, Ross?

Ross Ewich:
'Cause your kids' acting is so wooden.

Mr. Schidtler:
Can anyone tell me what the three B's are?

Brodie Osome:
Oh! Oh!

Mr. Schidtler:
Brodie.

Brodie Osome:
The Boss, the Beatles and the Beach Boys.

Mr. Schidtler:
Ohhh...

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, me, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Lisa.

Lisa Ruddy:
It's Black Sabbath, the Blue Oyster Cult and the B-52's. Yeah!

Justin Cammy:
No-no. How classless of you two? Everyone knows that the three B's are Beethoven, Bach and Brahms.

Brodie Osome, Lisa Ruddy, Christine McGlade:
Ohhh...

Mr. Schidtler:
Wrong! You're all wrong. The three B's are the worker, the drone and the queen bee. This is a science class. You forgot. You kids have nothing but music on your minds.

Alasdair Gillis:
[at summer camp] Brodie? Why do they always wake us up in the morning with a trumpet?

Brodie Osome:
It's a plot to make us hate music forever.

Alasdair Gillis:
You know what? I think it's working.

Alasdair Gillis:
[shackled to the dungeon wall] What's all the noise?

Nasti:
Noise? Noise? Vhat? Those screams from the torture chamber are MUSIC to MY ears.

Alasdair Gillis:
Screams from the torture chamber?

Nasti:
Yes! Vhat d'you exshpect me to like, minuets? Oh, the sound of the human voice SCREAMING in terror. DHAT'S... music... to my ears. Oh-ho, love it! Oh, that reminds me, it's time for your music lessons.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, why is it that music you like to play loud on the stereo your parents are always making you turn down, and music you don't like to play your parents are always making you practice?

Nasti:
It's fun-o'cock. You know what that means.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, no! Not that! Come on! It's torture!

Nasti:
[chuckling] I know. It's time...

Nasti:
[drops the keys] oops... for your piano lesson.

Alasdair Gillis:
Ah-ha, come on! Can't you give me the rack instead?

Nasti:
No.

Alasdair Gillis:
Chinese water torture?

Nasti:
Mm-mm. No.

Alasdair Gillis:
Boiled in oil?

Nasti:
Come on.

Justin Cammy:
[at Barth's] I don't come here for the food.

Alasdair Gillis:
Then why DO you come here?

Justin Cammy:
Well, it's the cheapest place I can get catgut for my violin.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Lisa Ruddy:
I can't pick out what instrument I want to play. What did you pick?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well I picked trombone.

Lisa Ruddy:
Alasdair, why did you pick the trombone. It's even bigger than you are. How come?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, 'cause it's the most fun.

Lisa Ruddy:
The most fun? What?

Alasdair Gillis:
'Cause I now shoot the biggest spitballs in the history of Benedict Arnold Public School.

Lisa Ruddy:
Go for it.

[Alasdair gives it a blast and, missing Mr. Schidtler's head, the blackboard is splatted by a soggy spitball the size of a small pillow]

Ross Ewich:
[seeing the kids in tuxedos] You guys goin' to a wedding or something? What's goin' on here?

Christine McGlade:
Ross, you're just in time to hear our quintet play Mozart's Concerto in D Minor for string instruments.

Ross Ewich:
What a minute! Moose, no-no-no. Mozart's Concerto in D Minor? You can't do that. That's a very difficult piece.

Brodie Osome:
We know, but we've been practicing for the last half hour.

Ross Ewich:
"HALF HOUR?"

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been an Out of Tune Production.

Announcer:
The Mickey Mouse Club will not be seen at this time, but in its place we present an even goofier show.

Nasti:
I got good news for ya. Your cause has been taken up by an outside group.

Ben Schreiner:
Amnesty International? Ah, boy! Wait'll they start on you. You'll be mincemeat!

Christine McGlade:
You've spent the night in the haunted house, you've gone for a week without watching Gilligan's Island, and now - the final part of your initiation into our secret club.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Oh, what's THAT?

Christine McGlade:
You must eat and digest one of Barth's special mystery burgers - which he's preparing for you right now - and live to tell about it.

Eugene Contreras:
Hey, Snake-Eyes, is there a club for school bus drivers?

Snake-Eyes:
Yes, and I just happen to have it with me. Now SIT DOWN and SHUT UP!

Ross Ewich:
[with a stage full of chattering kids] Order! Order! The first session of the Investment Club called to order! Come on. Hey! Could we get back in the track here, please? Now, we have to discuss which companies we are gonna invest in.

Ben Schreiner:
What about membership cards?

Eugene Contreras:
Yeah, Ross! What ABOUT membership cards?

Ross Ewich:
What?

Lisa Ruddy:
And jackets!

Ross Ewich:
JACKETS?

Christine McGlade:
I was thinking something in a blue satin.

Lisa Ruddy:
With a little yellow across?

Christine McGlade:
Yeah...!

Ross Ewich:
Hold it! Hold it! Can we get back to business here, PLEASE?

Ben Schreiner:
And donuts! Aren't you supposed to have donuts at meetings?

Eugene Contreras:
Yeah, what ABOUT the donuts? I'd like chocolate.

Ross Ewich:
Wait a minute...

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, no, chocolate gives you zits. And honey. Honey, honey...

Christine McGlade:
Oh, yeah, and...

[All kids are talking and overlapping]

Ross Ewich:
Oogh! Now I know why Howard Hughes went nuts.

Barth Baggs:
[serving burgers] D'yah, Eugene. And for you, Ben, a Double Value Burger.

Ben Schreiner:
You know, Barth...

Barth Baggs:
What?

Ben Schreiner:
Your burgers really do give double value for the money.

Barth Baggs:
Why thank you, Ben.

Barth Baggs:
[to the other kids] See? Somebody likes my burgers!

Ben Schreiner:
Yeah, they taste just as good coming back up as they did going down.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been an Ace of Clubs Production.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Tell me the truth, Eugene. What do you think about clubs for girls?

Eugene Contreras:
[picking up a large club] I think the cave man had the right idea.

Christine McGlade:
[aloof] Hi, and welcome to You Can't Do That On Television, yet another experience in bad humor. On today's show we're gonna be discussing clubs. We'll als...

Ben Schreiner:
[interrupting] You know, Moose, I thought maybe we'd start with the nine-iron.

Christine McGlade:
Ben, not THAT kind of club. You know, sort of a... an organization of people, a tight-knit brotherhood that gets together and discusses things.

Ben Schreiner:
You know, you've just described the mafia.

Ross Ewich:
You kids outta form a club all right, because you all got the same interest - drivin' me NUTS!

Christine McGlade:
How do you know we haven't already?

Barth Baggs:
I'm applying for membership in the Great Chefs of North America Club.

Christine McGlade:
Wow. You've got a lot to do?

Barth Baggs:
Not much, really. Uh, last night a couple of the big shots dropped by, so I whipped them up a couple of my culinary masterpieces.

Christine McGlade:
What'd they think?

Barth Baggs:
Well, I'm not sure. I'd... d'yah... left a message at the, uh, hospital emergency ward. When they get out of intensive care, I'm sure they'll get back.

Councilor:
[as Ben and Eugene hold up a blanket between them] S'you are well aware, this camp... this summer camp has been turned into a nudist club. It's very healthy, you can get a tan - all over - but, best of all, it stops you boys from running down the road to the girls' camp. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

El Capitano:
Hey, kid, uh, you got any last requests?

Justin Cammy:
[before the firing squad] No, not really. I just kinda regret that I never got to go to college.

El Capitano:
You, too? Boy, I wish I'd gone to college.

Justin Cammy:
Do you feel inferior because of it?

El Capitano:
Maybe a bit.

Justin Cammy:
And do you feel that this inferiority complex sometimes finds an escape valve in overtly aggressive behavior?

El Capitano:
What? I don't know.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, what are you looking for in a college? Like, I mean, the local or the reputation?

Christine McGlade:
Well, no, Lisa. It's a little more important than that. I'm looking for the boy/girl ratio. It's gotta be about ten to one.

Lisa Ruddy:
You know, Alasdair, all this talk about college... Have you decided what you're gonna take?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, Lisa, analyzing my strengths and weaknesses...

Lisa Ruddy:
Mm-hm.

Alasdair Gillis:
...my likes and dislikes...

Lisa Ruddy:
Yeah?

Alasdair Gillis:
...and taking into account my marks for the last couple of years...

Lisa Ruddy:
Yes?

Alasdair Gillis:
...I have come to the conclusion that I'm going to enter college on a video game scholarship.

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, did you ever go to college?

Nasti:
Jawohl! A military college, of course.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, yeah? I bet you were a B.M.O.C.

Nasti:
Oh, you mean a "big man on campus?"

Alasdair Gillis:
No, big MEANY on campus.

Ross Ewich:
You know, when I first went to college, there was no computers.

Christine McGlade:
When you first went to college, there was probably no electricity.

Justin Cammy:
Barth?

Barth Baggs:
Mm-hm?

Justin Cammy:
Do you believe in a college education.

Barth Baggs:
No. Now, take me for instance. I am a self-made man.

Alasdair Gillis:
That accounts for it.

Justin Cammy:
For what?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, with looks like his, he must have made himself about the same way he makes his burgers - with old garbage and bits and pieces of dead things in the middle of the road.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

[Christine offers to help Alasdair prepare for college]

Christine McGlade:
What's the worst part about starting college?

Alasdair Gillis:
I don't know.

[Slime befalls Alasdair]

Christine McGlade:
The initiation, of course.

Lisa Ruddy:
Did you know that people go to college to get letters after their names.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, I thought people went to college to get letters on their sweaters.

Justin Cammy:
You're both wrong. People go to college to get letters from home.

Christine McGlade:
[with Marjorie planning on going to acting school] Marjorie, do you think four years is a long enough time to really learn how to act?

Marjorie Silcoff:
Well, how long have YOU been on this show, Moose?

Christine McGlade:
Four years.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Well, in that case, I better go for at least six.

Camp Counselor:
Now, campers, I know that this is your first summer away from home, but I want you to think of it as a preparation for later life when you go off to college. Now, get a good night's sleep, because skinny dipping begins at 5:30 in the morning, sharp.

Lisa Ruddy:
Dad, are you glad you went to college?

Lance Prevort:
Uhh, college... Y-yeah, I guess.

Valerie Prevort:
It prepared him for his life in politics anyway, Lisa.

Lisa Ruddy:
I didn't know to took Political Science.

Valerie Prevort:
No, he didn't, dear, but in college he learned how to cheat on exams, bride professors and drink too much.

Lance Prevort:
That is not true. I learned to drink too much at high school.

Coach:
I don't need to tell you how important this game is. There's a bunch of college scouts out in that grand stand, and you know what that means?

Justin Cammy:
A chance to have our scholastic goals subsidized by athletic endeavor?

Coach:
Nooo, you dummy! A chance for guaranteed grades and big bucks under the table for four years.

Announcer:
The M.I.T./U.C.L.A. game will not be shown because "mitucla" is a dirty word in Arundi Burundi. In its place we present the following from the school of hard knocks.

Lisa Ruddy:
You know, Christine, Barth's place have really prepared me for college.

Christine McGlade:
Are you kidding?

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, no-no. You see, eating here kills my taste buds so I won't mind the crumby food they serve in cafeteria.

Christine McGlade:
Then it's true.

Lisa Ruddy:
And when I go into biologies, the sight of dissected frogs and pickled brains won't bother me at all. Barth's included those on menus for years.

Barth Baggs:
D'yah, now you know why I go to biology class in night school.

Lisa Ruddy:
To study?

Christine McGlade:
Oh, no. To pick up the remains. Whadda ya think's IN the burgers?

Marjorie Silcoff:
Mom just told me that you spent six years at college. Wow.

Lance Prevort:
Well, you know me. I hate braggin'.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Can I see your diplomas, Dad?

Lance Prevort:
Diplomas?

[Justin says he'd rather goof off and have a good time than go to college]

Lance Prevort:
Goofing off and havin' a good time - that's WHY you go to college. That's what I went to college for.

Principal:
Oh, Lisa, Lisa, Lisa. Why are you studying all the time?

Lisa Ruddy:
So I can keep my grades up. I wanna get to college.

Principal:
Why are you so all-fired excited about going to college? I mean, those dumb dorms, the filthy cafeteria - and, young lady, you are liable to wind up with a moonie for a roommate who stays up till three in the morning listening to Def Leopard - the stupid initiation rights, and those frat parties? Dumb, dumb, dumb. AND, those weird profs. Hm-hm-hm. And THEN, the biggest laugh of all: when you get out - no jobs. HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

Lisa Ruddy:
[to camera as the principal continues to gaffaw] This must be the opposites. They never tell you this side of it.

Lance Prevort:
Don't you wanna go to college?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, sure, but I just...

Lance Prevort:
Well, you ain't gonna get there readin' out of books! Here.

Lance Prevort:
[hands him a tennis racket and shoves him out the door] Get out there and practice.

Lisa Ruddy:
Uh, what are you thinking of taking at college?

Alasdair Gillis:
Ah-ha, broadly speaking - GIRLS.

Justin Cammy:
Why bother goin' to college, Alasdair, with these couple of "broad girls" around here?

Christine McGlade:
Not as young as you used to be, huh?

Ross Ewich:
No, but then who is - 'cept maybe Dick Clark.

Valerie Prevort:
[viewing Christine's bedroom with despair] Christine, look at the state this room is in.

Christine McGlade:
Well, it's no wonder, Mom. You haven't cleaned in here since, what, yesterday afternoon? I mean, you're getting a little lazy.

Valerie Prevort:
Christine, how are you going to manage at college, dear? I mean, without me to help clean up and tidy after you and wash and cook?

Christine McGlade:
You won't be there?

Valerie Prevort:
No.

Christine McGlade:
Well, why am I bothering to study THIS stuff for then? I may as well go out and party, right?

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Phi Beta Kappa Production.

Announcer:
[on camera] Phi Beta Kappa - I wonder if that means "stupid" in Greek.

Announcer:
The Pillsbury Doughboy Serves Six will not be seen at this time. In its place we may present the following special program.

Christine McGlade:
In fact, did you know that Barf is one of the most sought-after chefs in the entire country?

Corey Fraser:
Barf? You've got to be kidding.

Christine McGlade:
Oh, no. He's wanted in seventeen states - for food poisoning.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Christine McGlade:
Hi, and welcome to an enticing and tantalizing episode of You Can't Do That On Television.

Alasdair Gillis:
Mom, what are you making for dinner tonight?

Valerie Prevort:
[picking up the phone] Reservations.

Alasdair Gillis:
[at dinner] Why do they call this brown, liquidy stuff after my uncle?

Valerie Prevort:
"After your uncle?" Whatever do you mean, Alasdair?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, I mean, why do they call it Stu?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, well, Alasdair, how would you feel about eating brown, liquidy stuff if it were named after your cousin Ralph?

Valerie Prevort:
Now, Corey, you make sure you finish everything. You must realize there are children starving in Beverly Hills right now.

Corey Fraser:
But... Don't you mean kids are starving in Asia? All the kids in Beverly Hills are rich.

Valerie Prevort:
No. Ah, it's mid-afternoon there, so the children ARE starving in Beverly Hills. Supper won't be for another two hours.

[Christine answers the doorbell]

Alasdair Gillis:
Hi. I'm here.

Christine McGlade:
What're you doing here so early? I told you to come after dinner.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, that's what I'm after - dinner?

Alasdair Gillis:
[entering uninvited] So what're you guys having?

Christine McGlade:
[to camera] You know, I took home economics once.

Stage Crew:
[shouting in unison] You wouldn't know it.

Christine McGlade:
You know, Ross, I like food from all over the world.

Lisa Ruddy:
[kibitzing from just off-stage] Well, that's obvious.

Christine McGlade:
For instance, what's your favorite dish, Ross?

Ross Ewich:
Favorite dish? Um... Suzanne Somers?

Blip:
Hold it! No food allowed in this arcade.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, don't worry, Blip. This isn't food. It's a Barf Burger.

Blip:
No pets, either.

Barth Baggs:
[at one of the machines] Dyah, I heard that!

Alasdair Gillis:
Lisa? Where're you going?

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, Christine McGlade's house. I'm hoping to get a free lunch out of her.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, remember the old saying: You are what you eat.

[Alasdair exits; Lisa rings doorbell]

Valerie Prevort:
[opening door] Yes?

Lisa Ruddy:
Hi, is Big Mac home?

Valerie Prevort:
Yes, she is. Christine is barbecuing dogs for her lunch.

Lisa Ruddy:
[to camera] Like Alasdair said: You are what you eat.

Christine McGlade:
[gazing into her cooking pot] Strange. Soup isn't supposed to solidify.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Warmer Brothers Cuisinarts Production.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, Dad, how do you like my pancakes?

Lance Prevort:
Ah, well, Lisa, as a matter of fact, they are a little crunchy.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh.

Lance Prevort:
How come?

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, I put popcorn in them so they'd flip over by themselves.

Announcer:
The Incredible Hulk Runs Out Of Deodorant will not be seen in order that we may bring you the following hastily made up program.

Christine McGlade:
Do you have any aftershave, Kevin?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Yeah, lots.

Christine McGlade:
[rubbing his smooth face] Hm, wouldn't think you'd need to use it yet.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, I don't. My dad gives me some every Christmas and on my birthday, then borrows it back.

Elizabeth Richardson:
Oh, Kevin, what a romantic smell. Promise me you'll never wash your feet again.

[Lisa doesn't want to put on makeup]

Valerie Prevort:
Don't be stupid. Every girl your age loves to wear false eyelashes and plaster makeup all over themselves like some tramp.

Coach:
Aw, you guys were pitiful out there. You didn't play at all. Anyone would think you were afraid to work up a sweat because your mascara would run.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[crossing legs and mincing] Well, it might.

Brodie Osome:
[doing the same] Mine did.

Coach:
Oh, no. Not again!

Brodie Osome:
I bet you old Barfy goes through buckets of that new Fountain of Youth cream.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Why would you say that? He still looks as old as ever.

Brodie Osome:
Not for him, for his burgers, to hide their age.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Christine McGlade:
Is it bad, Doctor?

Doctor:
I'm afraid so, Miss McGlade. That little brother of yours is going to have to have cosmetic surgery.

Christine McGlade:
Whadda you mean? He's a perfectly good-looking little boy. We came here about his tummy-ache.

Doctor:
That's what I'm talking about. We're gonna have to perform an operation to remove the cosmetics from his stomach. Look at what this kid... Look at here... Look at this x-ray. The kid has swallowed a lipstick, he swallowed a compact... a powder compact... he swallowed TWO tubes of mascara and an entire can of spray deodorant. Hm!

Christine McGlade:
You sniveling little brat! I wondered where those had gotten to. Oh, you...

[She starts choking her brother]

Doctor:
Hold it, hold it, hold it! Don't kill 'im - till I've had a chance at 'im.

Brodie Osome:
Barth should use Odor Eaters in his foods. They ready smell!

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, he does, and he changes them regularly.

Brodie Osome:
You've gotta be kidding!

Lisa Ruddy:
Whadda ya think's IN the burgers?

Barth Baggs:
[popping up with an old tennis show in his hand] Dyah, I heard that!

Mr. Schidtler:
Oh, Kubusheskie, now that they won't allow teachers to use the strap anymore, you know what I do with students who turn in lousy homework assignments like this? I'll tell you what I do. I lean in very close and then very slowly and very patiently I explain to them about their homework assignment - but first I eat a lot of GARLIC. Page one! Can you spell halitosis? Ha-ha-halitosis?

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Roll-On Production.

Announcer:
The Smurfs Meet Godzilla will not be seen at this time so that this channel can test its emergency warning system by airing an alarming program. For total disaster, please stay tuned.

Valerie Prevort:
I don't know what to make of Kevin, Lance.

Lance Prevort:
How about a souffl??

Valerie Prevort:
It's just that there's this bully at school who calls him a wimp and beats him up all the time.

Lance Prevort:
Is that right, son?

[Kevin nods sadly]

Lance Prevort:
Listen, you can't let 'im get away with that. You gotta learn to fight back.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
That's easy for you to say. He's half my size!

Alasdair Gillis:
You know, I think that Barf ought to pay us for eating in this place. It's a wonder we don't all die.

Lisa Ruddy:
I know what you mean. Like, I can get better meat biting my lip.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Christine McGlade:
[watching Lance pull stuck food from his false teeth at the dinner table] Mom, how long have you and Dad been married?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, goodness, let me see. Well, I guess it must be eighteen years, now.

Christine McGlade:
It sure must have taken a lot of courage to live through all those years.

[Lance belches]

Valerie Prevort:
No, dear, not really. Just a, uh, strong stomach.

Lance Prevort:
Christine, don't encourage your mother.

Alasdair Gillis:
[discovering the school principal weeping] What's the matter, sir?

Principal:
Oh... Oh... Oh, my-my... I've been afraid of going into the Principal's Office.

Alasdair Gillis:
But, sir, you ARE the principal.

Principal:
I know. Only makes it worse.

Alasdair Gillis:
[to the camera] Where does the school board find them, and why do they always put 'em in charge?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
We dared Dougie to eat more than one of Barfy's burgers, and if he does, he wins this medal of courage.

Christine McGlade:
Ahh...

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Alasdair Gillis:
You gotta admit, you deserve a medal to eat in this place.

Barth Baggs:
Whadda you mean YOU deserve a medal? I should get a medal for allowing you kids to EAT my food. You know, I could be ARRESTED for serving this stuff?

Mr. Schidtler:
Kevin-Kevin-Kevin?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Uh, yes, sir?

Mr. Schidtler:
Have you been bullying Dougie?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
No, sir!

Mr. Schidtler:
Why not? Kevin, you know it's the job of the biggest kid in the class to pick on and beat up the smallest kid in the class.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
But, sir, Dougie's a killer. Have you ever been in a fight with him?

Mr. Schidtler:
Kevin, will you grow up and show some SPUNK? You've got to pluck up your courage, boy. There are responsibilities that we all have to face sometimes. We may not want to do it but we've got to do it. Now, I'm going to be out on that schoolyard later this afternoon and I wanna see you and Dougie in a real brawl! Oh, and by the way, this time break his nose.

Alasdair Gillis:
[to his sniveling father] Dad, when are you gonna learn to stand tall and be brave and take it like a kid?

Lance Prevort:
Could I have five bucks for a pizza?

Alasdair Gillis:
No, but you can EARN five dollars for a pizza. Go mow the lawn.

Christine McGlade:
Hey, Lisa.

Lisa Ruddy:
Yeah?

Christine McGlade:
Could you lend me a thousand dollars?

Lisa Ruddy:
A... a thousand...? Christine, you have a lot of guts asking for that kind of money. Only some kind of airhead would lend you it.

Christine McGlade:
Well, that's why I asked you.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh. Okay. Um, would you take a check?

Christine McGlade:
Oh, sure. I'll need two pieces of I.D. as well.

[Alasdair gets vaporized after losing at Blip's Maniak video arcade game]

Blip:
I'm gonna have to get these machines changed before I lose all my customers.

Christine McGlade:
[as a princess, calling out through a barred castle widow] Oh, help me! Oh, help me! Save me! Save me from the terrible dragon!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[calling back unseen beyond the window] Don't worry, fair princess. I'll save you from the fearful dragon.

[a dragon growls]

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Take that, you stupid dragon! And THAT! And... Uh! Oh! Wh... ugh! Wha... OHHH-AH-OHHH-AHHHH! UHHHHH-ohh...

Valerie Prevort:
[entering, dressed as a queen] Oh, no! Well, that's the third knight that dragon has devoured this week. Why do you keep luring all those poor, unfortunate, STUPID princes here all the time?

Christine McGlade:
[whining] Well, Mom, you know how testy Seymore the dragon gets when he's hungry. Anyway, he LOVES canned food.

Lance Provort:
[entering, dressed as a king] Ya know, uhh, me thinks yon princess hath a point, Queeny.

Valerie Prevort:
Don't encourage her, King Lance.

[Weighed down in his suit of armor, Kevin is unable to get up]

Alasdair Gillis:
[stepping over Kevin] Hi, Kevin.

Doug Ptolemy:
[also stepping over Kevin, following Alasdair out] Hi, Kevin.

Christine McGlade:
[sitting with Lisa nearby] Did you see that? Those guy! They just walked right over Kevin without even offering to help him get up. That's disgusting.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, exactly. And that just goes to prove how mean and unfeeling and un-sensitive boys can be. You have to have the courage to stop being so macho and learn to be more sensitive to other people's feelings.

Christine McGlade:
Exactly! W-well, let's go tell them.

Lisa Ruddy:
Okay.

Lisa Ruddy:
[moving toward Kevin who's still struggling on the floor] Kevin? Kevin? Don't you worry. I'm going to give 'em a piece of my mind.

Christine McGlade:
You sure you can spare it?

Lance Prevort:
[seeing his son torn and bruised] Alasdair, did that kid beat you up again?

Alasdair Gillis:
Yeah, but I told him if he didn't stop this time I'd send the bravest guy on the block to beat up his dad.

Lance Prevort:
Who-who's that?

Alasdair Gillis:
You.

Lance Prevort:
ME? No, wait a minute... Valerie, d-did you hear that? Your son has become a fight promoter.

Valerie Prevort:
Well, I think that's very enterprising of you, Alasdair. Um, what odds are you giving, dear?

Alasdair Gillis:
Uh, ten to one.

Lance Prevort:
TEN TO ONE? Uh-huh, I didn't know you had THAT much faith in your old man.

Alasdair Gillis:
I don't. It's ten to one you lose.

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, well in that case, Alasdair, I'd like to place five dollars on the other gentleman.

Lance Prevort:
Alasdair, don't encourage your mother.

Valerie Prevort:
But, Lance, it's ten to one.

Lance Prevort:
You're right.

Lance Prevort:
[handing money to Alasdair] I'll take five of that.

Lisa Ruddy:
[standing before the firing squad] What am I being shot for?

El Capitano:
You are being shot for accepting a dare.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, what's so wrong with that?

El Capitano:
Oh, no-no-no! You must never, ever, EVER accept a dare. That is the most foolish thing you could possibly do. And that's why we're gonna shoot you, so you can't do it again.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh.

El Capitano:
All right, all right. READY! AIM!

Lisa Ruddy:
But HOLD it!

El Capitano:
What?

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, don't I get a last request?

El Capitano:
Oh, not aga... Do we ha...? Um, all right. What is your last request?

Lisa Ruddy:
I dare you to shoot me.

El Capitano:
[to camera] Dhat is one sneaky kid!

Doug Ptolemy:
[at bedtime] Mom, will you stay with us just for awhile?

Valerie Prevort:
Whatever for?

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, he's just a scardy-cat.

Doug Ptolemy:
I am not.

Alasdair Gillis:
He is, too. He thinks that a big, fat, ugly monster's gonna come and get him.

Valerie Prevort:
Dougie, I'm not gonna let you watch any more television. You've getting some very strange ideas. Now, don't be silly. Now, you're too big for this sort of thing. You should be brave.

Doug Ptolemy:
Please, Mom. I'm really scared.

Valerie Prevort:
[turning off the room lights and sitting beside Doug] Oh, well, all right. Just this once, but not for long, Dougie. You've got to realize there is no such thing as big, fat monsters.

[Lance bursts in - a large dark shape silhouetted by the hallway light]

Lance Prevort:
VALERIE!

Doug Ptolemy:
AAHHHHHHH!

Lance Prevort:
HAVE YOU SEEN MY CUMMERBUND?

Valerie Prevort:
AAHHHHHH!

[Valerie take refuse with Doug under the covers as Lance, left curious by their horror-stricken behavior, sniffs his armpits]

[Alasdair stands facing the camera on the Link Set]

Announcer:
[voiceover] You Can't Do That On Television has been a Stand Fast In The Face of Danger Production.

Alasdair Gillis:
Sure, that's easy for you to say! You haven't got your two feet glued to the floor!

Announcer:
Mr. Rogers Vandalizes The Neighborhood will not be seen in order that we may bring you the program which we've managed to steal.

Rodney Helal:
[enters the locker room holding his butt] Coach?

Coach:
Yeah?

Rodney Helal:
The next time you tell the principal I stole two bases, will you also please tell him it's nothing wrong?

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Christine McGlade:
What would you need a crane for?

Brodie Osome:
Shoplifting. Shops are very heavy, you know.

Mr. Schidtler:
Vandals broke into the school office last night and stole all this year's examination papers. I'm afraid, kids, you're not going to be able to write this year's examination.

Kevin Schenk:
[dripping with sarcasm] Too bad, sir. What a pity, sir. I'm heart-broken. I really am.

Mr. Schidtler:
So, instead, you are going to write NEXT year's examination, now.

Kevin Schenk:
NEXT year's exam! We'll all FAIL!

Mr. Schidtler:
[smiling] Too bad. What a pity. I'm heart-broken. I really am.

Announcer:
Big Bird Dances Swan Lake will not be shown at this time in order that we may bring you the following cultural extravaganza.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
As you may have guessed, this week on You Can't Do That On Tevelevision we're going to serve up a cultural feast - so get your catsup ready!

Brodie Osome:
[reading] "A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

Barth Baggs:
Here.

Brodie Osome:
What's this?

Barth Baggs:
[grinning] Guess.

[Brodie lifts the bun and his burger whinnies]

[Lance sees son Kevin in a trench coat and hat about to sneak out of the house with a violin case]

Lance Prevort:
Hey, Kevin! Come here. Where d'ya think you're goin' with that?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Gonna go out and shoot up the neighborhood, Dad.

[Kevin reveals a tommy gun inside the case]

Lance Prevort:
Oh. Oh! Oh, well, oh... aw... that's okay. Ha-ha! I thought you were goin' to some boring violin lesson or something. Well, go on. There you go. Have fun!

[Kevin and Martin fight over the TV remote]

Valerie Prevort:
[entering] What's going on here?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Martin, here, won't let me watch the opera.

Martin Kerr:
That's right, Mom. The Dukes of Hazzard are on the other channel and Kevin, here, wants to watch Rigoletto.

Valerie Prevort:
Is that so, Kevin?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Yes.

Valerie Prevort:
Now look, boys, how many times have I told you about junk TV and culture TV and being selective about what to watch?

[the boys start fighting over the remote again]

Valerie Prevort:
Stop it! I don't want you watching any more of that worthwhile television. Now you turn to the Dukes of Hazzard this minute.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Mom... Mom, can I read Shakespeare's sonnets instead?

Valerie Prevort:
No! You're going to sit there and watch... them Duke boys.

Peter Cockroach:
[sampling the flavor of Barth's table] 1957, I would say - an excellent year for grease.

Peter Cockroach:
All in all, I would say that Barth's is a definite MUST for a delightful gourmet experience.

Barth Baggs:
Did I hear THAT?

[the football team wears ballet tutus as well as shoulder pads]

Brodie Osome:
Come on, Coach! Do we really have to wear this stupid getup? We're gonna get laughed off the football field.

Coach:
We gotta as long as we're takin' that grant from the Department of Culture and Recreation. Okay now, boys, we gotta sing our team song - that's the Requiem from Mozart's Aida. Okay, ready? "Que chalida..." Come on, now!

[squeezes Martin's face to help form the words]

Mr. Schidtler:
[addressing his class] Because I was unable to get enough seats for Friday afternoon's Shakespearean drama, I'm afraid that not all of you will be able to see the play.

[the class gives a collective disapointed "Ohh..."]

Mr. Schidtler:
However... no... what I'm going to do is I'm going to ask for two volunteers who will give up their chance to see that play.

[the entire class eagerly raises their hands]

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Oh! Oh! Sir! Sir!

Mr. Schidtler:
Oh, all right - Brodie and Kevin.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[shaking hands with Brodie] All right. Yeah.

Mr. Schidtler:
Now, wait. Because of the generosity of these two unselfish boys, I have a reward: two tickets to see the opera with Miss Fitt's class just down the hall. Now, let this be a lesson to the rest of the class: YOU are only going to see three hours of Shakespeare BUT those two boys are going to see five hours of NON-STOP OPERA! Well done, boys!

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, Mom, I've never been so embarrassed in my life!

Valerie Prevort:
Why? What's your father done now, dear?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[at his easel] There. I'm finished.

Christine McGlade:
What? You only started painting me two minutes ago.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, I've done your face. I'll just do the rest later.

Christine McGlade:
Oh, well, why later?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, I didn't want to tell you, Moose, but I'm doing a nude painting of you.

Christine McGlade:
WHAT? Listen, Kevin, I'm not posing in the nude for you or anyone else!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Don't get excited. You don't have to. I've already done your face. I'll... I'll just do the rest at home. I'll imagine the rest.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[winks with a leer] I've got a great imagination.

[Christine glares at Kevin and Kevin suddenly falls backward]

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Ow!

Christine McGlade:
I just imagined that I slugged you one.

[Kevin now has a black eye]

Christine McGlade:
And I've got a great imagination, too.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[as Romeo] "Hark! What light through yonder window breaks? 'Tis the east and Juliet is the sun." What kind of parents would name their son "Juliet?"

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[standing before the class, giving a report in a low, hushed voice] It was late one night, on a beach, and the moon was glowing off of the ocean. And she was beautiful.

Mr. Schidtler:
Kevin?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
She wrapped her arms around me...

Mr. Schidtler:
Kevin! Kevin! KEVIN!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Yes, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
I thought I told you to describe A Midsummer Night's Dream.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, I was, sir. I have this dream a lot during the middle of the summer.

Mr. Schidtler:
No, no, no, nooo. SHAKESPEARE'S Midsummer Night's Dream.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, how am I supposed to know that? I'm not Shakespeare! Why don't you ask him? How am I supposed to know what he drempt?

Mr. Schidtler:
[skyward] Where does the school board find them and why do they send them to me?

Brodie Osome:
[looking at Rodin's nude statue The Thinker] I wonder what he's thinking about, anyway.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
I don't know but he's probably thinking about where he left his pants.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Tutu Much Production.

Lisa:
How far did you and Nigel go on your first date?

Moose:
Hm, well, I'd say about five blocks to Barth's Burgery.

Mr. Schidtler:
All right, who is an expert on dating?

The Class:
[all raise their hands to be called on] Oh, sir, I am, sir, sir, me sir...

Mr. Schidtler:
All right. Everyone's an expert on dating. Good.

Mr. Schidtler:
[unrolls a long scroll] Here is a list of 1000 historical events. Homework assignment is to put a date alongside every one.

[At Barth's Burgery, motormouth Lisa finally get off the wall phone]

Lisa Ruddy:
Okay. Yes. Call back again. Okay. Bye.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, you've been on that phone for an hour. Who were you talkin' to?

Lisa Ruddy:
I don't know. It was for you.

[at the movie theater, an old lady observes Kevin with Lisa sitting next to him]

Old Woman:
Hey, go on, kiss her.

Kevin Schenk:
But I can't.

Old Woman:
Yes, you can.

Kevin Schenk:
No, no, really...

Old Woman:
No, look, she's dying for it, I can tell.

Kevin Schenk:
But I can't.

Old Woman:
Go on. Give her a big wet one. That's what movie theaters are dark for. Go on.

Kevin Schenk:
Jeez.

[Schenk reluctantly gives Lisa a kiss]

Angie Coddett:
[sitting on Kevin's other side and punching his arm] Why you two-timing little jerk!

Steve Wilson:
[sitting on Lisa's other side, getting up slowly] Uh, what do you think you're doin' with my girl, huh?

Steve Wilson:
[grabbing a fistful of Kevin's shirt] Come on! What're ya doin'?

Kevin Schenk:
Hey, Christine. What's your favorite food

Christine McGlade:
Oh, just about anything someone else is buying.

Narrator:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Wrong Number Production.

Lisa Ruddy:
Barth, were you ever married?

Barth Baggs:
Dah, married? I sure was, kid. D'I was married for three beautiful days and then she left me.

Christine McGlade:
After three days? Uh, why?

Barth Baggs:
Dah, well, she told the judge dyat it was, uh, "physical cruelty."

Lisa Ruddy:
You mean you hit her?

Barth Baggs:
No, I didn't hit her. I cooked for her.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh.

Christine McGlade:
Ahh.

[Barth then serves Christine and Lisa two plates of worm and frog burgers and walks away]

Lisa Ruddy:
Now I know why she left.

Christine McGlade:
Yeah, I'm suprised she lasted three days.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, Christine, how's your mom making out since your dad left?

Christine McGlade:
Terrible! Not good at all.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh.

[the telephone rings and Valerie, wearing a waitress uniform, picks it up]

Valerie Prevort:
[into the phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Bill. Oh, gosh, no, I'm sorry. I'm going dancing with Walter tonight. Uh, tomorrow?

Valerie Prevort:
[checking her address book] Umm... No, uh, tomorrow is Bob. Oh, well, let's see. Um, maybe a week from next Friday if Harry doesn't call. Okay, terrific. Thanks, bye.

[she hangs up and a car horn is heard outside]

Valerie Prevort:
[trotting out] Oh, there's Murray. Don't wait up, dear.

[Valerie exits]

Lisa Ruddy:
Hey, what was so "terrible" about that? She looks fine to me... all her boyfriends.

Christine McGlade:
Boyfriends? Oh... oh, no. You should see them. They're a bunch of losers.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, at her age, beggers can't be choosers.

Announcer:
Family Ties Get Untied will not be seen...

Valerie Prevort:
[interrupting the kids' pillow fight] Children. Yo! I have something to tell you. Your father and I are getting a divorce.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Oh, no. That's awful news.

Valerie Prevort:
And, Marjorie, you're going to come and live with me, and the boys are going to live with your father, and we'll be living in separate houses.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Well, that's great news!

Ross Ewich:
The producer and his wife are getting a divorce.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, great. For a minute there I thought it was something really serious.

Justin Cammy:
Yeah, I thought we were cancelled.

Ross Ewich:
Wait a minute. It is more serious than you guys think. You see, the producer's wife gets half of everything he owns, and that includes this show.

Lisa Ruddy:
Marjorie, I thought you said your parents were getting a separation.

Marjorie Silcoff:
They are, but since neither of them could afford to move out, they separated the house.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh.

Valerie Prevort:
Marjorie, dear, I'm afraid your little friend is gonna have to go home now.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Oh, Mom, she just got here.

Valerie Prevort:
Marjorie, dear, you know the rules: No company after 8 o'clock.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Oh, all right. Dad?

Lance Prevort:
[belches] Oh, yeah! Ah, what... ah, what is it, uh, Marjorie?

Marjorie Silcoff:
Can we come over to play?

Lance Prevort:
Why, sure, kid. You know what I always say - my house is your house.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Bye, Mom.

Valerie Prevort:
Bye, dear.

[Marjorie and Lisa get up and walk around to the other side of the coach in Lance's half of the house]

Marjorie Silcoff:
See, my mom's second husband is married to your dad's third wife, but then he divorced her, and then your father's first wife's second husband's last wife is now married to my mom's third husband.

Justin Cammy:
So?

Marjorie Silcoff:
Well, so, I think we're related. Look. Here I have a chart. You're either my brother, my uncle or my great grandfather.

Alasdair Gillis:
[on phone wearing a barrel] Well, yeah, I know I said I could play on the baseball team if my mom got custody of me, but that was before I realized that my dad got custody of my uniform - and everything else.

Christine McGlade:
Lisa, don't cry. I-It's not your fault your parents are getting a divorce.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, you mean it's not because I told my mom that my dad said she has fat thighs?

Christine McGlade:
No. I'm sure that didn't cause the whole thing.

Lisa Ruddy:
And it's not because I told my dad that my mom was stealing money from his company?

Christine McGlade:
Well... No, no. That...

Lisa Ruddy:
And it's not because I told my mom that my dad was running around with all these other women? I showed her pictures.

Christine McGlade:
Pictures? Well, maybe you're right, Lisa. Maybe it is all your fault.

Lisa Ruddy:
There's the new boy. Isn't he gorgeous?

Christine McGlade:
Oh, yeah. You know, I bet if he asked me out, we'd really fall madly in love and... and we'd get married someday and... and we'd have tons of beautiful children.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, yeah, and then he'd get bored and start seeing... other women? After you gave up your career to marry him.

Christine McGlade:
Well, I mean, isn't that always the way? I'm... It would probably end in some messy divorce. I would get MY picture splashed all over the papers and I would have to leave the country in complete and utter shame.

Christine McGlade:
[angrily dousing the boy with a bucket of water] Leave MY children fatherless, will you?

Lisa Ruddy:
I hope she takes you for every penny you have!

[angrily douses the boy with a bucket of water, too]

Marjorie Silcoff:
Do you ever worry about your parents getting a divorce?

Alasdair Gillis:
No, not really.

Marjorie Silcoff:
Why not?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, 'cause I don't think they ever got married.

Marjorie Silcoff:
So whatever happened to you ex-wife, Barth?

Christine McGlade, Alasdair Gillis, Justin Cammy:
Who do you think's IN the burgers?

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that! - but I'll ignore it this time around.

Lisa Ruddy:
This is ridiculous. I can't work from half a script. I've gotta call my agent.

El Capitano:
We are shooting you because your father is a traitor and an enemy of the state.

Alasdair Gillis:
You can't shoot me today, and my mom will be mad.

El Capitano:
What? We can't?

Alasdair Gillis:
No, you see, my dad only has custody of me on Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays and every second Friday, and since today's Monday, I'm at my mom's today and she hasn't done anything wrong.

El Capitano:
Okay. I guess you're right. We'll have to let you go, but you come back tomorrow and we'll shoot you.

Alasdair Gillis:
[pulling out a day planner] Oh... well... um...

El Capitano:
Mm.

Alasdair Gillis:
I can't tomorrow.

El Capitano:
[pulling out his own day planner] No?

Alasdair Gillis:
I'm going to the zoo with my dad.

El Capitano:
Okay. Well, how 'bout Thursday afternoon?

Alasdair Gillis:
[checking] Thursday?

Announcer:
"You Can't Do That On Television has been a Split Down The Middle Production." This note just handed to me: "Custody of all the children in the cast is awarded to the announcer. He and his wife..." What? No-no-no you don't! Oh, no. I'll fight this in the highest court in the land. You are not gonna get away with this.

Mr. Schidtler:
Today we are going to study divorce. Can anyone please tell me what the word divorce means?

Alasdair Gillis:
Ah, sir!

Mr. Schidtler:
Alasdair.

Alasdair Gillis:
To separate?

Mr. Schidtler:
That's right. Yes. Correct. Okay, now someone else, please, use the word divorce in a sentence. Lisa. Come on.

Lisa Ruddy:
Uh... Before you make an angel food cake, you have to divorce the eggs.

Mr. Schidtler:
[looking skyward] Where does the school board find them and why do they keep sending them to me!

Ross Ewich:
[with half the cast brought back from cold storage and Marjorie approaching him for warmth] Get away from me, you little popsicle.

Mr. Schidtler:
Oh, now-now, class, just before we begin today I'd like to point out that we have a new student, uh, at school. Uh, young man, would you mind, please, uh, standing up and, uh, telling us why you came to our fair town?

Alasdair Gillis:
Okay, my mom dumped my dad and then...

Mr. Schidtler:
No-no-no-no-no-no. You must not say "dumped." No-no-no. Say "divorced."

Alasdair Gillis:
Okay. So like I was saying, my mom divorced my dad over the side of the boat into the lake, then we collected the insurance money, and then we moved here.

Lance Prevort:
Justin?

Justin Cammy:
Yep.

Lance Prevort:
I got somethin' I gotta tell ya.

Justin Cammy:
Mm.

Lance Prevort:
Your mother and I have been talkin' things over and we've decided that we are gonna get married.

Justin Cammy:
Oh, no. You can't do this to me. I'll be the only kid in the school who's parents are married! I'll be the laughing stock of the whole school!

Lance Prevort:
[as Justin storms out] Justin, wait a minute. No, you don't understand, Justin! We...

[door slams]

Lance Prevort:
We're not marrying each other.

Announcer:
Mr. Rogers: Neighborhood Pusher will not be seen today in order that we may bring you the following "weedy" program.

[In a nondescript alley, a shady deal goes down between an addict and his pusher]

Kevin Schenk:
You got the stuff?

Kevin Somers:
That depends.

Kevin Schenk:
On what?

Kevin Somers:
You got the money?

Kevin Schenk:
Yeah, right here.

Kevin Somers:
Hey, what's this? It's only ten bucks!

Kevin Schenk:
That's the price, isn't it?

Kevin Somers:
It's gone up, kid. It's twenty bucks this week.

Kevin Schenk:
[whining] Oh, listen, I gotta have it.

Kevin Somers:
That's tough.

Kevin Schenk:
Tomorrow. I'll get you the money tomorrow.

Kevin Somers:
Forget it.

Kevin Schenk:
Look, here's this watch I got for Christmas. Must be sixty dollars.

Kevin Somers:
What'm I gonna do with a watch?

Kevin Schenk:
It's just collateral till I get you the money tomorrow. Look, man, I GOTTA HAVE IT.

Kevin Somers:
Uh... All right, kid. I guess so - but it's only 'cause I like ya.

Kevin Schenk:
[relieved to hear it] Ah...

Kevin Somers:
[handing over a pie] Here ya go.

Kevin Schenk:
Ah, thanks, man.

[Schenk straightaway splats himself in the face with the pie and sighs with great relief]

Kevin Somers:
Oh... You sicko.

Christine McGlade:
As you may have guessed, this week's show is about drugs, except we can't really make it about drugs or we'd get taken off the air - you can't do that on television!

Kevin Schenk:
Listen, man, you gotta splat pies SOMETIME.

Christine McGlade:
[on pie addiction] I just don't see the point. You spend ALL your money on pies, you mess yourself up, your clothes, your schoolwork suffers, you get so sticky you can't even sleep at night.

Kevin Schenk:
Listen, sister, don't knock it till you've tried it.

Mr. Schidtler:
Michael Lyon, did I see you cheating just now?

Mike Lyon:
No, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Why not? D'you know the answers?

Mike Lyon:
No, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Oh. Wanna have a look at mine?

Kevin Schenk:
Hey, Moose, have you ever watched our writers type? They type like lightning.

Christine McGlade:
That figures. Have you ever seen the damage that lighting can do?

Kevin Somers:
You know, I thought to myself "I'll do the guard a big favor and let him push a custard pie into my face."

Nasti:
[chuckling] No, no, no. None o' dhat stuff, Somers. You just stick wi' dhat cold turkey.

Kevin Somers:
Ah, come on, you know you'd enjoy the cruelty of pushing a custard pie into my face.

Nasti:
Mm-hm-hm, no way, no way. No, we'll see ya around.

[Nasti exits]

Kevin Somers:
Ah, come on! I gotta have a pie! I GOTTA! Ah...

Nasti:
[returning with a pie] Ohhh, all right. I'm gonna take pity on you, Somers. You know what I'm gonna do?

Kevin Somers:
[eagerly] What?

Nasti:
Put the pie right down dhere vhere you can look at it.

[Nasti sets the pie on a stool right in front of Somers]

Kevin Somers:
But that's torture!

Nasti:
I know. Have a good day.

El Capitano:
Are you ready for your execution?

Kevin Somers:
[dejectedly] Yeah.

El Capitano:
Mm, good, dhen here ees your gun.

Kevin Somers:
What's this for?

El Capitano:
Well, you splat yourself in de face with pies, don't you?

Kevin Somers:
Yeah, so?

El Capitano:
Hm-mm-mm. Well, we figure anybody who is stupid enough to push a pie into his own face is dumb enough to shoot himself.

Kevin Somers:
[easily] Oh, okay.

El Capitano:
Right. Ready?

Kevin Somers:
[cocking gun] Yup!

El Capitano:
Aim!

[Somers, with some enthusiasm, puts the gun to his head]

Doctor:
[quickly counting Kevin Schenk's toes] 1-2-3-4-5-6.

Mike Lyon:
[placing his order at Barth's Burgery] And I'll have a triple-cheese Barthy and a bottle of Pepto Bismol.

Barth Baggs:
Uh-huh. Good.

Christine McGlade:
Whadda you need Pepto Bismol for? Do you have a stomach ache?

Mike Lyon:
Not yet.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

El Capitano:
Ready! Aim!

Kevin Somers:
Wait! Wait!

El Capitano:
Oh, no. What is it NOW!

Kevin Somers:
Have you got a pin?

El Capitano:
A pin! What do you want a pin for?

Kevin Somers:
Well, you see, I got this splinter in my foot...

El Capitano:
Oh.

Kevin Somers:
...and I need a pin to get it out.

El Capitano:
Well, the only pin I have is here in my, uh, hand grenade. Um, I don't know whether...

Kevin Somers:
[taking pin] That'll do.

El Capitano:
Oh.

Kevin Somers:
I'll just go over here where the light's better and... and try and get it out, all right?

El Capitano:
Okay, but hurry.

El Capitano:
[suddenly aware he's holding a live grenade] HURRY!

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, boy, are you kiddies in luck today!

Kevin Schenk:
Ohhh, nooo...

Barth Baggs:
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna start givin' away treats like the big burger chains do.

Angie Coddett:
All right! Free balloons!

Barth Baggs:
No.

Kevin Schenk:
Coloring books!

Barth Baggs:
No.

Christine McGlade:
Plastic toys!

Barth Baggs:
No.

Mike Lyon:
Machine guns!

Barth Baggs:
No, no, listen...

[For show & tell, Angie brings in her pet dragon]

Mr. Schidtler:
[frightened] Angie! Does he eat people?

Angie Coddett:
No, just teachers.

Police Interrogator:
All right, kid. I was sent t' this town to clean it up and I intend t' do it.

Kevin Somers:
[tied to a chair] What's that got to do with me? You got nothin' on me, copper.

Police Interrogator:
Oh, yeah? Tell me another one, kid. What do you know about THIS?

Kevin Somers:
[looks at pie] Never seen it before in my life.

Police Interrogator:
Ha! This cream matches the cream that was found in your pocket. And another thing, whadda you know about this?

[spills bucket of slime into Kevin's lap]

Kevin Somers:
[squirming in chair] Hey! Hey, watch it! That stuff's dangerous! A guy could get hooked on THAT stuff!

Police Interrogator:
Yeah, but you don't mind sploshin' it t' little kids, do ya, huh?

[Sloshes more into Kevin's lap]

Police Interrogator:
Your type makes me sick! I was sent here to clean up this town, and I intend t' DO it!

Kevin Somers:
No.

[Pours water over Kevin then splats a pie onto to his head before rubbing filling into his face]

Police Interrogator:
[conversationally] Ya see, kid, as a plainclothesman it's my duty...

Announcer:
This has been a Pie In The Face Production.

Announcer:
The Twilight Zone Gets Redeveloped will not be seen at this time in order that we may present the following unnatural program.

Lisa Ruddy:
Moose, I heard that today's show is about strange things, so I brought something that might help.

Christine McGlade:
You brought your diary!

Lisa Ruddy:
[conducting a s?ance with Christina, Kyle and Korbett] Concentrate. Concentrate. Spirit World, can you hear us?

Christine McGlade:
[shouting skyward] HEY, IF YOU CAN HEAR US, GIVE US A SIGN!

[a large sign drops onto their table from above, which reads "I CAN HEAR YOU! NOW STOP SHOUTING."]

[In the locker room at half-time, muddy and beat up Kyle and Korbett groan about the brutal opposing team]

Korbett Matthews:
Those guys are animals.

Kyle Matthews:
Aw, you're telling me! D'you see that truck of raw meat outside the stadium?

Korbett Matthews:
What was that? Their lunch?

Kyle Matthews:
No, the team they played against yesterday.

Lisa Ruddy:
[conducting a s?ance with Christina, Kyle and Korbett] Concentrate. Concentrate. If you can hear me Spirit World, knock once for yes and twice for no.

[one knock]

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh! Spirit World, is it true that you know all the answers?

[one knock]

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh! Oh! Spirit World, is it true that you can answer all questions?

[one knock]

Lisa Ruddy:
Ohh! Okay, okay, can you tell us what's gonna be on next week's math test?

Christine McGlade:
As you probably noticed, we have twins on the show this week. Now, just to alleviate some confusion, I'll introduce them right away. This is Kyle and this is Korbett.

Kyle Matthews:
No, I"M Kyle. He's Korbett.

Korbett Matthews:
That's right.

Christine McGlade:
Oh. Well, I just have one question then: How do we tell you two apart?

Kyle Matthews, Korbett Matthews:
[together] Simple. He's the ugly one.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been brought to you by the people who bring you ghosts, goblins and things that go bump in the night.

Announcer:
Fred Sanford: The World's Best Dressed Man will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following tasteless program.

Lance Prevort:
Come on, Kevin, look YOUNGER! You can do it if you TRY!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[in baby bonnet, diapers and tube socks] No way, Dad. You're just gonna have to tell Mom that you lost the photo album of me as a baby.

Lance Prevort:
Oh-ho-ho-ho, no way! She'll kill me. Now, listen, gurgle. Gurgle. Come on, come on. Gurgle-gurgle-gurgle. Kitchi-kitchi-koo. That's good, that's good. All right. Hold it. Hold it. Oh, BEAUTIFUL! Terrific. Now... Okay, out on the front lawn and we'll run ya through the garden hose without no clothes on.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
NO WAY!

Lance Prevort:
Whadda you...! Well, it's either that or that blueberry shortcake sailor suit you wore when you was three years old.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Outside. Okay. You win.

Christine McGlade:
Now, let me get this straight: You mean, I'm behind the times wearing these futuristic clothes BUT you guys are right in style wearing these old fashioned clothes?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
That's right. How do you like the tights? Kind of sexy, don't you think?

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been an Out of Fashion Production.

Doug Ptolemy:
See you tomorrow.

Ross Ewich:
Heaven forbid. Good-BYE!

Announcer:
Fame will not be seen at this time but is desperately being sought after by each member of our cast.

Barth Baggs:
You know, I never told nobody this before, but I've always had a secret ambition to be world-famous.

Mike Hora:
Really? Then I think you should open a chain of burgeries all around the world.

Barth Baggs:
Hey, you mean that, Mike? You're not kiddin'? You really think that my food could make me well-known?

Mike Hora:
Sure. Mass murderers always get their pictures - in the paper, in Time Magazine, on the news...

El Capitano:
Ready! Aim!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Wait a minute! You can't shoot me. Don't you know who I am?

El Capitano:
Who are you?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
I'm a famous person.

El Capitano:
Oh, you are?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Yeah.

El Capitano:
Hmm. Wait a minute. I recognize you. Sure. You're Kevin Illyanovich Rasputin Kubusheskie.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Right.

El Capitano:
I've seen your work, he-he. Ready! Aim!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
No!

El Capitano:
Fire!

Lisa Ruddy:
What makes a famous person?

Lance Prevort:
Well, Lisa, a famous person is someone who has worked very hard so that everybody'll know 'em, then puts on dark glasses so nobody'll recognize 'em.

Mr. Schidtler:
Now, can anyone tell me what George Washington was famous for? Klea?

Klea Scott:
His memory, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
His memory? What... What makes you think he was famous for his memory?

Klea Scott:
Well, they did erect a monument to his "memory," didn't they?

Mr. Schidtler:
Where does the school board get them and why do they send them to me?

Christine McGlade:
What's wrong with YOU today, Barf?

Mike Hora:
Did you eat some of your own food?

Lisa Ruddy:
Dad, how'd's a person become famous, anyhow?

Lance Prevort:
Famous... Well, Lisa, I guess what you have to do is do somethin' that nobody else in the entire world can do.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, then, how come you're not famous?

Lance Prevort:
Whadda mean?

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, isn't Mom always saying, "No one else in the entire world is as sloppy and messy as you are? No one else in the entire world lies around doing as little as possible...?"

Lance Prevort:
All right, all right, Lisa! That's enough!

Valerie Prevort:
But, dear, Lisa she does have a point, you know?

Lance Prevort:
[darkly] Don't encourage her.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
I had this terrible nightmare. I dreamt that I was rich and famous and lived in Beverly Hills and had a gold-plated swimming pool and lots of girls all around the pool and...

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, there-there, Kevin. Don't worry, dear. It'll never happen to you, believe me, Kevin.

[Mr. Schidtler announces Kevin's school transfer]

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Oh, please, sir! Anything! Put in a bad word for me! Fail me in algebra! Oh, please, sir, ANYTHING but the School for the Performing Arts!

Mike Hora:
D'you hear that Kevin's got a new motto?

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, what is it?

Mike Hora:
"Every girl for himself."

Christine McGlade:
Have you ever had any stage experience?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Sort of.

Christine McGlade:
Whadda ya mean "sort of?"

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Well, I once had my leg in a cast.

Christine McGlade:
One day I'll be in the movies, and maybe I'll even be in one of those kinda racy beach movies wearin' my bikini.

Lisa Ruddy:
Are you sure you're gonna have enough material?

Mr. Schidtler:
What do you want to be when you grow up?

Mike Hora:
I want to be a fireman.

Lisa Ruddy:
Mike, you told me you want to be a politician. That's a lie.

Mike Hora:
See? I'm on my way to being a politician already.

Mr. Schidtler:
Now can anyone tell me: what is a mark of greatness? Michael?

Mike Hora:
Uh, Mark Twain.

Mr. Schidtler:
Oh, no. Klea?

Klea Scott:
Mark Spitz?

Mr. Schidtler:
Oh, no, no, noooo. That's not funny. Now can anyone REALLY tell me: what is a mark of greatness? Lisa.

Lisa Ruddy:
I can. A-plus.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Famous Production.

Announcer:
The Partridge Family Gets Shot will not be seen at this time. In its place we present the following family feud.

Jeff Mousseau:
Acting sure sounds easy, Uncle Ross.

Ross Ewich:
Listen, if these kids here could do it, you'll have no trouble at all.

Nasti:
I see my parents everyday.

Alasdair Gillis:
[shackled to the dungeon wall] Everyday?

Nasti:
Ya.

Alasdair Gillis:
That's really nice of you.

Nasti:
Yeah. Vell, as a matter of fact, my-my parents are shut-ins.

Alasdair Gillis:
Shut-ins? Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know.

Nasti:
Oh, yeah. I shut them in myself. They're in, uh, cell thirty-four. Oh, see ya around.

Nasti:
[calling off] Okay, Mother. Coming.

Alasdair Gillis:
You know, Barth's going all out with this advertising. Look, "Barth's the Only Hamburger," whatever THAT means.

Lisa Ruddy:
He means, it's like an only child.

Alasdair Gillis:
Whadda you mean?

Lisa Ruddy:
He treats his hamburger like an only child - spoiled rotten.

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

[in a close two-shot]

Christine McGlade:
You know, Alasdair, it is true that in houses across the nation right now, roll-reversal is taking place.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, Christine, I never really did understand roll-reversal.

Christine McGlade:
Oh, well, that's, um, like, when the man stays at home and looks after the kids and the woman goes out and earns a living for the family. It's like me wearing these pants and you wearing that skirt.

[change to a wide shot]

Alasdair Gillis:
That what?

Alasdair Gillis:
[looking down to find himself wearing a skirt] I wasn't wearing this!

Christine McGlade:
Oh, no. Relax. It's just a special effect to introduce the opposites.

Alasdair Gillis:
Look how they did... I wasn't wearing a skirt. I...

Alasdair Gillis:
[straight to the camera] I had pants on, I swear!

Coach:
You know, team, I like to think of us as a big, happy family. Ha-ha, yeah. And I like to think of myself as a stern but benevolent father.

Jeff Mousseau:
In that case, DAD, can I borrow the car?

Coach:
Sure, Jeff. There're the keys.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, and, uh, how 'bout an advance on my allowance?

Coach:
Oh, yeah, Alasdair, uh...

Alasdair Gillis:
Great.

Coach:
...Fifty be enough?

Lance Prevort:
[walking in on the kids] Hey-hey-hey, come on. What're you kids watching?

Jeff Mousseau:
Silver Spoons.

Lance Prevort:
Hey! Can't believe that you kids would watch this unrealistic garbage.

Alasdair Gillis:
But, Dad, this is good, wholesome television.

Lance Prevort:
Yeah...

Stephanie Chow:
Dad...

Lance Prevort:
What?

Stephanie Chow:
...it's even rated "family entertainment."

Lance Prevort:
That's exactly the problem. Silver Spoons... Life isn't like that! Where's the sex and violence? Oh, here we are. Here. Look at this, oh ho-ho: "Playbunny Goes to Vegas with her Chainsaw."

Jeff Mousseau, Alasdair Gillis, Stephanie Chow:
[as the channel is changed] Dad!

Barth Baggs:
[presenting hamburgers to Lisa and Alasdair] D'yah. here's your chow.

Lisa Ruddy:
Thanks.

Lisa Ruddy:
[suddenly fearful] Oh, Barf.

Barth Baggs:
Hm?

Lisa Ruddy:
You... you didn't. She was such a cute little girl.

Barth Baggs:
What're you talking about?

Alasdair Gillis:
You putting poor, little Stephanie Chow in the burgers. That's murder.

Barth Baggs:
Oh, come on. You mean the new kid, the little Chinese girl? G'I wouldn't put her in a burger mix.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, that's a relief.

Lisa Ruddy:
I knew you couldn't do something like that.

Barth Baggs:
Of course not. I don't serve Chinese food.

Jeff Mousseau:
Well, Ross always makes me say 'uncle' in front of all the other kids, and that's pretty embarrassing.

Christine McGlade:
You know, Jeff, I'm sure you could strike some sort of deal with him. Like, if you offered him money, I bet that he'd let you call him just 'Ross' on the set.

Jeff Mousseau:
You think he'd go for that?

Ross Ewich:
[wandering in while talking to someone over his headset] What? What do you want? I don't...

Christine McGlade:
Hi, Ross.

Ross Ewich:
[barely taking notice of her] Oh, hi.

Jeff Mousseau:
Hi, Ross.

Ross Ewich:
[taking definite notice] What did you say, Jeff?

Jeff Mousseau:
"Hi Ross."

Ross Ewich:
[grabbing Jeff and twisting his arm behind his back] Why, you... little...

Jeff Mousseau:
UNCLE! UNCLE!

Stephanie Chow:
[crying] A kid at school says that my mother wears army boots.

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, dear, Stephanie, that's hardly fair. I mean, I only wear them to crush the cockroaches in the kitchen.

Christine McGlade:
You know, Jeff, you really shouldn't let Ross bully you so much.

Jeff Mousseau:
Yeah, but he IS my uncle, so I have to respect him. You know what they say: Blood is thicker than water.

Christine McGlade:
[recognizing he just said the magic word] You...

[water comes down on Christine's head, not Jeff's]

Christine McGlade:
Wait a second! Wait a second! That is not fair! HE said water, not me!

[water comes down again on Christine's head]

Ross Ewich:
[sheepishly] Uh, Christine, I-I-I know it seems unfair, but if I get this kid wet, his mother'll kill me.

Alasdair Gillis:
[in bed] Other families have skeletons in the closet, right?

Valerie Prevort:
That's right, Alasdair. They do.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, then why's our skeleton in my bed?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh. Well, Alasdair, it's because that's where he died. Now, turn off the light, dear, and go to sleep.

Alasdair Gillis:
Mom!

[the skeleton reaches over and switches off the table light]

Valerie Prevort:
Now, Alasdair, when your grandmother gets here, I do not want any burping, swearing or talking with your mouth full. I want perfect table manners, young man.

Alasdair Gillis:
But, Mom, Grandma burps AND swears AND talks with her mouth full, just like Dad.

Valerie Prevort:
I know that, Alasdair. That's why I want you to show her that you do not take after their side of the family.

Lance Prevort:
Before you go, here ya are, Stephanie, dear, a bunch of money to spend at that summer camp. 'way ya go.

Stephanie Chow:
Thanks, Dad.

Lisa Ruddy:
No, sir, the Boys & Girls Club is for kids who have no money.

Alasdair Gillis:
Right. And since she's got money, she can't go.

Lance Prevort:
Oh, no. Wait a minute. Hold it. Just a minute. Kids with no money?

Alasdair Gillis:
Right.

Lance Prevort:
[taking Stephanie's cash] Gimme that. Now she has no money. Off you go. Off to summer camp!

Snake-Eyes:
You can't bring that tree onto this bus!

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, why not? It's my family tree.

Snake-Eyes:
Your family tree. Well, I believe ya. It's got nuts on it.

Alasdair Gillis:
We really shouldn't make fun of Lisa just because she got voted Bottom of her Class.

Christine McGlade:
Did she really? That surprises me because Lisa's always been pretty smart in school.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, no-no-no. They weren't judging grades. They were judging body shape.

Jeff Mousseau:
[telling a locker joke] Did you know that Uncle Ross is the funniest person in our family?

Christine McGlade:
Oh, you've got to be kidding.

Jeff Mousseau:
Nope. Everybody calls him the family joke. Get it? "Joke?"

Christine McGlade:
I bet Ross didn't write that one.

[With that last joke, all the kids find themselves suddenly stuck inside their lockers, and Ross holds the keys]

Announcer:
"You Can't Do That On Television has been a Blood Is Thicker Than Water Production." Water? Oh, no. Oh, no! No! [the announcer gets soaked]

Alasdair Gillis:
[to Christine] Okay. Okay. The opposites are over now. Get me outta this stupid skirt.

Ross Ewich:
[entering] Uh, we do have this extra pair of, uh, pants hangin' around.

Alasdair Gillis:
Okay, then give 'em to me, quick!

Ross Ewich:
Give? Give - never. Sell - maybe.

Alasdair Gillis:
Back to reality.

Mr. Schidtler:
You know, Alasdair, I've been checking and I discovered that I have taught every single member of your family.

Alasdair Gillis:
[sighs] Boy, that's a relief.

Mr. Schidtler:
Eh, uh... w-WHAT'S a relief?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, I thought that failure ran in my family, but now I just find out it's lousy teaching.

Jeff Mousseau:
I guess Uncle Ross is just very sensitive. He's a truly dedicated artist. He believes in the spirit of children's programming. He thrives on our youth, our vitality, our wit and spontaneity, and we fill a void that would otherwise be an empty lonely life.

Alasdair Gillis:
That was really touching, Jeff.

Jeff Mousseau:
Yeah, and Uncle Ross said if I didn't recite that EXACTLY as he wrote it, he'd string me up by my toes and slowly murder me.

Alasdair Gillis:
Do you think he'd really do that?

Jeff Mousseau:
Well, I don't know. It depends what kind of mood...

[having said the "magic words," slime pours down on Jeff]

Ross Ewich:
[horrified] Oh, no! His mother is gonna kill me.

Announcer:
Super Monster Theatre will not be seen at this time. In its place we present a show that gives US real nightmares.

Alasdair Gillis:
Hi, and welcome to another episode of You Can't Do That On Television - the show that shocks and frightens more people than most horror movies.

Alasdair Gillis:
Blip! Blip-Blip-Blip. Quick! Gimme some quarters. The world's gonna end in one hour and I wanna go out playing my favorite video game.

Blip:
That's a good idea, Alasdair, but it's gonna cost you more than a quarter. I raised the prices on all the games to a hundred dollars.

Alasdair Gillis:
What? Blip, the world's gonna end in one hour. What difference does it make?

Blip:
Well, that's the whole point. This is my last chance to make enough money for my retirement, so I raised the prices to a hundred dollars.

Christine McGlade:
[referring to her coping book] Tell me something you're afraid of and we'll look it up and see what it says.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, there's really nothing I'm afraid of, Christine.

Christine McGlade:
Come on, Alasdair, everyone is afraid of something.

Alasdair Gillis:
Christine, I'm serious. Real men aren't afraid of anything.

Christine McGlade:
Yeah, okay, but what about you?

Lisa Ruddy:
Barth, you just put the mouse in our dinner!

Barth Baggs:
It'll be delicious. You'll love it. Ya did last time.

Doctor:
Now, YOU'RE not afraid of my... little needle, are ya?

[the Doctor pulls out a two-foot-long hypodermic needle, but Doug stays put]

Doctor:
Wait a minute. You're still here. You didn't run away. Aren't you, uh, scared of my hypodermic needle?

Doug Ptolemy:
No.

Doctor:
Uh, what's 'e matter? Are you stupid?

Doug Ptolemy:
[immediate, simple and straightforward] Yeah.

Valerie Prevort:
Alasdair, dear, wake up. Wake up, Alasdair. I just had a horrible nightmare.

Lance Prevort:
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh, there's a monster under our bed and I can't sleep.

Alasdair Gillis:
Am I gonna have to put you guys to bed EVERY night? Hey, when are you gonna learn to overcome these stupid, childish fears of yours?

Valerie Prevort:
Alasdair, we were wondering if we couldn't sleep with you tonight. I-i-it's awfully dark and scary up there.

Lance Prevort:
Come on.

Alasdair Gillis:
I guess so. There's not much room though.

Valerie Prevort:
Thank you, dear.

Lance Prevort:
Oh, boy.

Valerie Prevort:
If you just push over a little.

Alasdair Gillis:
Okay.

Valerie Prevort:
That's it.

Lance Prevort:
Oh, boy. There.

Alasdair Gillis:
[falling to the floor on the other side of the bed] Oh.

Lance Prevort:
[settled in] That's fine. Ah-ha. Yeah.

Alasdair Gillis:
I guess I'm gonna have to sleep under the bed with the big, huge monster.

Lance Prevort:
Yeah.

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, move over, Hugo.

[a monstrous growl emanates from beneath the bed as Alasdair crawls under it]

Doug Ptolemy:
Boy, Mom, I'm glad you don't listen to all those news reports about the bad things in food.

Lance Prevort:
Yeah, huh-huh. Oh, I can hardly wait to sink my teeth into a thick, juicy steak.

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, well, Lance, I'm afraid I won't be having any of those, dear. I heard on television that steak is very bad for you.

Vanessa Lindores:
Oh, so we're having chicken or ham?

Valerie Prevort:
Oh, well, no, Vanessa. I read in the newspaper that pork and chicken are very bad for you, too.

Doug Ptolemy:
Oh, no. Don't tell me we're having VEGETABLES.

Valerie Prevort:
No, Dougie. I'm afraid I heard on the radio that the fertilizer that they used to grow the vegetables in is VERY dangerous for you.

Vanessa Lindores:
All right! No vegetables!

Doug Ptolemy:
But... what ARE we having for dinner?

Valerie Prevort:
[removing covers from the serving dishes, revealing... ] Chocolate bars was all I could think of.

Doug Ptolemy:
Oh, boy! And this isn't even an Opposite Sketch!

Doctor:
As you know, Dougie, you are very short for your age.

Doug Ptolemy:
Yeah. Most people don't believe I'm eighteen. They think I'm lying.

Alasdair Gillis:
Do you ever get afraid of doing a popular TV show like this? I mean, do you ever get stage fright?

Vanessa Lindores:
Me get stage fright? Oh, come on, Alasdair. All we're doing is telling these awful jokes in front of millions of people watching our every move. Me get stage fright?

[Confident at first but now thinking about it, Vanessa has become quite obviously disturbed]

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Nothing-To-Lose-Sleep-Over Production.

Lisa Ruddy:
I can't stand it. I have to get outta here.

Vanessa Lindores:
Lisa, what is the matter? Is it the scary horror scenes and violence?

Lisa Ruddy:
No. That looks really fake.

Vanessa Lindores:
Is it the bugs eating Cincinatti?

Lisa Ruddy:
No, that doesn't bother me at all.

Vanessa Lindores:
Well, then, what is your problem?

Lisa Ruddy:
I'm afraid of the dark.

Alasdair Gillis:
[as Lisa leaves] S-she's right, guys. It is really dark in here. There could be bats.

Doug Ptolemy:
Or boogeymen. Or mice!

Christine McGlade:
Or fleas.

[Everyone suddenly flees the theater screaming]

El Capitano:
Ready! Aim!

Alasdair Gillis:
AHHHH!

[Alasdair quickly hides behind the firing post]

El Capitano:
Oh! What is the matter now?

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, I'm afraid of loud noises. And, anyway, are you sure this isn't dangerous?

El Capitano:
Well, it isn't dangerous for us, aye, amigos? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!

Nasti:
So, Alasdair, you told the dungeon psychiatrist vhat ya had ag'rophobia. You're scared to be out dhere in the open air.

Alasdair Gillis:
You're right. It's terrifying out there. The sky might fall on my head.

Nasti:
Yeah! Dhat's right! Dhe shky MIGHT fall on your head, oh-ho.

Alasdair Gillis:
It would. I KNOW it would.

Nasti:
Vell, you know me, Alasdair, I've got to set ya free so you can go out dhere and have the shky fall on your head... BUT... this is an Opposite Sketch, so I'm gonna be kind, and I'm gonna leave ya here chained to dhe dungeon wall.

Alasdair Gillis:
Thanks... I think.

El Capitano:
Which are you more afraid of - being shot or being slimed?

Alasdair Gillis:
I don't know.

[Alasdair gets a face-load of green slime]

El Capitano:
In that case - Readyyyyy! Aaaaaaim!...

Mr. Schidtler:
Alasdair, I said Get - Out - Your - Books.

Alasdair Gillis:
I can't, sir. My desk wants to eat me.

Mr. Schidtler:
Alasdair, as I told you last month, you were well on your way to being chosen class valedictorian, but since then, your work has been appalling. You failed every subject.

Alasdair Gillis:
I know, sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Huh? You know?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, that's right, sir. I took a dive on that because there is no way you're gonna get me to stand up in front of hundreds of people and say a speech.

Nasti:
Alasdair, it's time for your torture session for the day.

Alasdair Gillis:
What is it today - the rack, electric shocks, have thumb screws maybe?

Nasti:
No. Ve're gonna try out a brand new method today. Vee are gonna lock you in a room with two news anchormen. Ve're gonna tell you all about the Middle East.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, you can't do that! That's inhuman!

Nasti:
Oh, no-no-no. Second, we're gonna lock you in a room with THREE experts on world economy. Heh-heh-heh-heh-heh.

Alasdair Gillis:
How do you expect me to survive that torture? Those guy will talk longer than Lisa Ruddy. Can't you boil me in oil or something?

Nasti:
Come on! You're gonna face this like a man! You get outta here and you're gonna have to endure this kind of shtuff EVERY NIGHT OF THE WEEK on that TV news. Now, come on. It's almost six o'clock.

Narrator:
The Six Million Dollar Man Rusts to Bits will not be shown at this time in order that we may bring you the following boring exercise program.

Jono Gebert:
[returning to the dungeon with Nasti] Look, next time do me a favor. If you want to use my ball-and-chain for bowling, undo it from my leg. Going down the alley was one thing, but coming back in that ball return... oh, boy, that was a night.

Tanya King:
Hey, Rodney, when kids play hockey, why do they have to wear basket cages over their faces?

Rodney Helal:
Oh, that is to stop them form biting each other.

Mike Lyon:
There's only one thing stopping me from being on the hockey team.

Tanya King:
Oh, yeah? What's that?

Mike Lyon:
The coach.

Ross Ewich:
You know, I've been thinking...

Christine McGlade:
Yeah, Ross? Gee, that's not like you.

Ross Ewich:
Watch it!

Rodney Helal:
[doing homework] If a tub is being filled from two taps, one flowing at 15 liters a minute and the other flowing at 8 liters a minute, and the tub holds 230 liters, how long would it take to fill that tub?

Lance Prevort:
No, no, Rodney, please. You-you know I can't do those, uh, complicated new math problems. You KNOW that.

Rodney Helal:
Okay, then, Dad, if a WINE VAT was being filled with WINE from two WINE glasses, one flowing at 15 liters a minute and the other flowing at 8 liters a minute, how long would it take to fill that wine vat?

Lance Prevort:
Now, there... Now, THAT is a good question. Ten. Ten minutes.

El Capitano:
That's one sneaky kid.

Narrator:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Flat Tire Production.

Pauline:
Hey, Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?

Angie:
You can? Really?

Pauline:
Mm-hm.

Angie:
Okay, well, let me hear you.

Pauline:
[clears throat] "Hello. How are you? Nice weather we're having."

Angie:
"Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having?" That isn't a foreign language.

Pauline:
Yes it is.

Angie:
It is?

Pauline:
It's English.

Angie:
Well, I know it's English.

Pauline:
Well, England IS a foreign country.

Announcer:
Around The World In 80 Days will not be shown at this time as we only have thirty minutes. In its place we present the following internationally acclaimed children's show.

Alasdair Gillis:
You can't shoot me.

El Capitano:
What?

Alasdair Gillis:
I mean, I've lead an extremely limited life.

Mr. Schidtler:
Eugene, what are the inhabitants of Paris called?

Eugene Miyagawa:
Parasites?

Angie Coddett:
If haggis is the national dish of Scotland...

Christine McGlade:
Yeah?

Angie Coddett:
...um, the sausage is the national dish of Germany, and, well, pasta's the national dish of Italy, what's the national dish of America?

Christine McGlade:
Hmm, I guess you'd have to say the hamburger.

Barth Baggs:
[coming to their booth] Dyah, there ya are - two Double-Whammy Cheese Barth Burgers. Yumm-yum-yum.

Angie Coddett:
Well, I guess in Barth's case you'd have to call these the gross national product.

Christine McGlade:
That's good. The gross national product, 'cause they're really...

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

Eugene Miyagawa:
So, Alasdair, I heard that you went to Belgium last summer.

Alasdair Gillis:
Yeah, I sure did. And from Belgium, we drove to France.

Eugene Miyagawa:
Wow. Did you go to the Louvre?

Alasdair Gillis:
No, so my dad had to stop by the side of the road and uh... you know.

[Ross has just finished exchanging Pauline's money for foreign currency and left when Christine comes upon the scene]

Christine McGlade:
Well, have you counted it? Does it all add up?

Pauline Kerr:
[counting] Oh, no! I guess that's why his favorite country is Egypt.

Christine McGlade:
What're you talking about?

Pauline Kerr:
[counting through her money] Egypt me five bucks here, Egypt me two bucks over there, Egypt me eight bucks here...

Eugene Miyagawa:
Is it only in North America that kids get sent away to summer camp?

Alasdair Gillis:
No, I heard that in Russia kids get sent away to summer camp all the time.

Eugene Miyagawa:
Wow. Do you think their camp's are anything like this one?

Alasdair Gillis:
No. You know the guard dogs and the barbed wire?

Eugene Miyagawa:
Yeah?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, the Russians don't have any.

Pauline Kerr:
Dad! Dad, you're back! What did you bring?

Lance Prevort:
What... oh. What do you mean "What did I bring?"

Pauline Kerr:
Ah, well, when you went to Switzerland, you brought us each back a watch...

Lance Prevort:
Yeah.

Pauline Kerr:
...and when you went to France you brought us back a bunch of smelly perfume...

Lance Prevort:
Oh, yeah.

Pauline Kerr:
...and when you went to Italy you brought us back a case of wine.

Lance Prevort:
Yeah. So?

Pauline Kerr:
So, what did you bring us back from Mexico?

Lance Prevort:
Heh-heh, the runs.

Mr. Schidtler:
Today, class, we are discussing foreign currency, and the first country in question is Japan.

Eugene Miyagawa:
Oh.

Mr. Schidtler:
Eugene.

Eugene Miyagawa:
The yen?

Mr. Schidtler:
Yen? Correct. Second, Greece.

Pauline Kerr:
Sir?

Mr. Schidtler:
Pauline?

Pauline Kerr:
Uh, the drachma?

Mr. Schidtler:
The drachma is right! Third - Argentininnya.

Alasdair Gillis:
Sir.

Mr. Schidtler:
Yes, Alasdair.

Alasdair Gillis:
The I.O.U.?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, I was just thinking.

El Capitano:
What?

Alasdair Gillis:
You know, this whole firing squad set-up gives everyone at home the wrong impression about South America.

El Capitano:
Huh? Wh-wh-whadda you mean?

Alasdair Gillis:
Yeah. I mean, they prob'bly think all you do is stand in front of firing squads and shoot us kids all day, so I think you should tell them all the other kinds of things you do.

El Capitano:
You know, I think you've got a point there, kid. I'll do that.

El Capitano:
[to the camera and stepping forward] Hey! You out there. Listen, we don't just shoot kids here. Right, amigos?

[Amigos shout out "Si" and "That's right," etc]

El Capitano:
No. I mean, here we... we also...

Alasdair Gillis:
[peaking out from behind El Capitano] Drive cars.

El Capitano:
Drive cars. And we also...

Alasdair Gillis:
[peaking out again] Go shopping.

El Capitano:
Go shopping, mm-hm. And we, uh...

Alasdair Gillis:
[peaking out again] Watch soccer games.

El Capitano:
Watch soccer games, and...

Alasdair Gillis:
[peaking out again] Uh, roast marshmallows by an open fire.

El Capitano:
Roast marshmallows by an open fire.

El Capitano:
[realizing what's he's just said] No, we don't!

[Barth serves borscht]

Alasdair Gillis:
Why do they call this stuff "borscht?"

Eugene Miyagawa:
[as Alasdair gets sick and vomits] 'Cause that's the sound it makes when it hits the floor.

Pauline Kerr:
Uh, Dad, what's the U.N.?

Lance Prevort:
The-the U.N., my dear, is the home of world negotiation. You gettin' all this? Okay. And, being the home of world negotiation, it is the root of many popular expressions, such as: "U.N. your big ideas." "U.N. your big mouth." "U.N. your negotiations." "U.N..."

Announcer:
Laverne And Shirley Kill Each Other will not be seen at this time...

El Capitano:
All right. What is your last request?

Luke McKeehan:
I just wanna see my best friend Henry Jones.

El Capitano:
Henry J... Oh, wait a minute. Is he the kid with the, uh, freckles and the, uh, horn-rimmed glasses?

Luke McKeehan:
Yeah, that's Henry.

El Capitano:
Oh, well, that'll be easy. You gonna see Henry all right. We shot him last Tuesday for forgetting his gym socks.

Christine McGlade:
Hi, and welcome to another repulsive episode of You Can't Do That On Television.

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey. Hey, Luke, can you lend me a quarter?

Luke McKeehan:
Naah.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, why not? I thought me and you were friends.

Luke McKeehan:
Oh, we ARE friends, but let's say I lend you the quarter, okay? You can't pay me back, and then I'll be mad and you'll feel bad and we'll be enemies. I can't risk our friendship over a stupid game like Bull's-Eye or whatever.

Alasdair Gillis:
I guess I see what you mean.

Andrew Burke:
Uh, hey, Luke, uh, can I borrow a quarter?

Luke McKeehan:
Oh, yeah. Hey, take five.

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, Luke! How come you lend HIM some quarters.

Luke McKeehan:
Oh, it's because he and I aren't as good friends as you and me.

Christine McGlade:
[from across the arcade] Hey, Alasdair, I'll lend you a quarter. I hate you.

Nasti:
[in the dungeon] You know, Andrew, old pal, vee've been down here togedda sooo long, I don't t'ink of you as a prisoner anymore. I think of you as my friend.

Andrew Burke:
Great. Does that mean you're gonna let me go?

Nasti:
Oh, no. I'd miss you too much.

Coach:
[to his beat up players] You guys are gettin' clobbered out there. What IS the problem?

Alasdair Gillis:
Ah, Mr. Treesa... I mean, it's kinda hard to play tough against the Tigers. A lot of them are our friends.

Coach:
FRIENDS! This is a football game. Now listen, next half I want you to go out there and I want you to rip their hair out. I want you to poke their eyeballs out and tear 'em limb from limb, and I want you to pulverize 'em, drive 'em right into the ground.

Luke McKeehan:
Oh, but Coach, some of them are our FRIENDS.

Coach:
Friends... oh... well, okay, uh, forget the hair part.

Lance Prevort:
You gotta remember this: "You can pick your friends but you can't pick your family"

Valerie Prevort:
Are you sure, dear? I thought it was "You can pick your families but you can't pick your friend's nose.

Lance Prevort:
No, no, I think it... no, "You can pick your FRIENDS but your friends can't pick YOUR nose."

Valerie Prevort:
I don't think so, dear. I know what it is: "You can pick your nose but don't STICK your nose into other people's business."

Lance Prevort:
No, that's... Oh, no, "You can pick a FRUIT but a guitar player always has his pick."

Valerie Prevort:
THAT'S it! You're right.

Mr. Schidtler:
As you know, the student council elections are coming up. Now, during these elections, I know that you have an impulse to vote for the candidate who'll do maybe the best job, the one with the best grades, or the candidate who shows the most integrity. I say FORGET IT! Vote for your friends. Guys, vote for the girls you wanna go out with. And, girls, vote for the guys you wanna go out with. Yeah, sell your vote for a bribe. Just remember this: all elections are meaningless formalities, because all politicians are load-mouthed b*obs. Now, I hope that you will remember this always.

Andrew Burke:
[from the other room] BUT I DON'T WANNA GET IN THE OVEN!

Valerie Prevort:
[also from the other room] Oh, now, don't be difficult, Andrew. And dear, please, keep this apple in your mouth.

Alasdair Gillis:
[waiting at the dinner table with Lance] Dad, what's going on in there?

Lance Prevort:
Well, you said you wanted your friend for dinner, so your mother's tryin' to cook 'im.

Alasdair Gillis:
[rushing to the kitchen] NOOO!

Lisa Ruddy:
Blood is thicker than cool-aid.

Lisa Ruddy:
Are there any MEN who consider YOU their best friend?

Christine McGlade:
Well, if you really wanna know, yeah. I'd say there's probably one or two men who consider me their best friend.

Lisa Ruddy:
I thought so, 'cause you know the old saying - Man's best friend is always...

Christine McGlade:
Shut up, Lisa!

Librarian:
[reading from Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People] Chapter 14. If all else fails, have your mother send everyone a monthly check.

[At the urging if the other kids, Alasdair slips a quarter into the arcade machine Blip is busily repairing]

Blip:
[as he gets shocked] YEEEEEEEOW! OOOH! OOOOOOO! Oo-hoo-hoo! Uh-huh-huh! Geee! Alasdair! You wouldn't do that to one of your friends now, would you?

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, no. Of course not, but - you're not my friend.

Lance Prevort:
[answering the door] Uh, yeah?

Andrew Burke:
Yeah, uh, can I come in to play?

Lance Prevort:
Come IN to play?

Andrew Burke:
Yeah.

Lance Prevort:
I don't know what kids are comin' to. When I was your age I used to go over to my best friend's house and ask if he could come OUT to play.

Andrew Burke:
Yeah, but that was before home video games.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been an Unfriendly Production.

Christine McGlade:
You could say that again.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television...

Christine McGlade:
Oh, shut up.

Announcer:
Life On Earth has been canceled in order that we may bring you the following bleak look at the future.

Christine McGlade:
Oh, Kevin, did you know that the ancient Romans used to predict the future by examining the guts and gizzards and intestines of chickens and animals?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
That's nothing. Barth has made a very prosperous business studying the insides of dead rats.

Christine McGlade:
Oh, come on. Really?

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, Whadda ya think's in the burgers?

Mike Hora:
Nobody reads their papers anymore.

Lance Prevort:
Oh, uh, that's right. Everybody gets their news from, uh, the teletext on the TV.

Mike Hora:
Then why do you all still get a newspaper?

Lance Prevort:
'Cause we haven't found any way of wrapping up kitty litter in a television set.

Doug Ptolemy:
[at the firing squad] I'm not afraid of you. You haven't managed to shoot anybody yet.

El Capitano:
Well, that may be true, but it's all going to change today.

Doug Ptolemy:
Why? What's so special about today?

El Capitano:
Because today we have new exorset bullets, which home in on the biggest target in front of them whenever I say "Fire!"

[From a bullet's point of view, El Capitano is targeted and shot]

Lisa Ruddy:
When you retire from teaching, sir, will you miss us kids?

Mr. Schidtler:
I miss you now.

Lisa Ruddy:
Awww...

Mr. Schidtler:
[pointedly] Everything I say goes over your heads.

Coach:
Ahhh, YOU, Kubusheskie, ya take that ball and you run it all the way down the field a hundred yards for a touchdown. Ya KNEW we had to lose that game to make it to the finals. Why didn't you do it?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
But, Coach, you never told us that we changed ends at halftime. I thought I was going for the other team.

Coach:
[looking Heavenward] Why is it always me? Even then I need stupid players, I get them that are TOO stupid.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
You mean, you're going to let me go? Oh, blue skies, Barfy Burgers, girls!

Valerie Prevort:
So you see, Dougie dear, as long as we have more and bigger bombs than the Russians, there will never be a nuclear war. So, I want you to go to sleep now, and tomorrow night I'll tell you another fairy tale.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, Christine, what are you doing?

Christine McGlade:
[sitting amidst a pile of little papers] I'm eating fortune cookies until I get a good one.

Lisa Ruddy:
[reading one] "You're going to have to go on a diet, fatso."

Christine McGlade:
[darkly] I want a second opinion.

Lisa Ruddy:
[reading another] Wait, wait, wait... Oh, "You're ugly, too."

Christine McGlade:
What will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?

Doug Ptolemy:
Diet.

[It's Christmas and Doug's in tears]

Lance Prevort:
Valerie, I do not understand why that kid is so upset.

Valerie Prevort:
What?

Lance Prevort:
Well, he asked for an apple for Christmas.

Valerie Prevort:
Yes?

Lance Prevort:
I gave him a whole bushel.

Vice-Principal:
Why are you in detention THIS time?

Mike Hora:
My computer forgot to do my homework last night.

Vice-Principal:
That's the third time this month.

Lance Prevort:
Lisa, shut up and drink your egg.

Announcer:
You Can't Do That Television has not been replaced by a computerized program... yet.

Mr. Schidtler:
When you kids graduate from school, you'll have no further problems or issues to deal with. You'll have all the time for yourselves. Play all day. No work.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
But sir, I want to work. I want to get a job.

Mr. Schidtler:
Well... if this wasn't an opposite sketch, I'd say there will be no work for you Kubusheskie, because you'll never get a job. But it is... so I won't discourage you.

Mr. Schidtler:
Class! Settle down, I have an announcement to make. Now because of the rising rates of unemployment in the country and of the expected rise in the future, the school board has decided to extend the school grades up to Grade 17.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Is that so that it will keep us kids in school longer and not in any unemployment line, sir?

Mr. Schidtler:
No, no. It's to keep us teachers in school, in jobs, and not in any unemployment line. Five extra new teachers I might add.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
But sir, with adding five extra grades just to hire five extra more teachers for this school that means I'll be... 23 before I graduate!

Mr. Schidtler:
Wrong again, Kevin. You'll be 23 before you pass THIS grade! By the way... where's last night's homework?

Announcer:
My Three Sons Of Frankenstein will not be seen today because we're afraid they've grown up. In its place we present the following program. Due to the immature theme of the show, no viewer discretion is advised.

Mr. Schidtler:
Does anyone know what I mean by "claustrophobia?"

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, yeah. I do!

Mr. Schidtler:
Lisa.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh. It's the fear of claws.

Mr. Schidtler:
[settling down the class] No, it isn't. It isn't. No. I think claustrophobia is the fear of closets.

Lisa Ruddy:
But I can see you don't suffer from grossatubaphobia.

Christine McGlade:
Grossatubaphobia.

Lisa Ruddy:
Yeah.

Christine McGlade:
What's that?

Lisa Ruddy:
The fear of growing... out.

Doug Ptolemy:
[in bed at night] Mommy, Mommy! Help! My chair! There's an ugly thing in my chair!

Valerie Prevort:
[enters, snaps on the light, examines the gross thing sitting in Doug's chair] Oh, Dougie! Aren't you ashamed of yourself? It's nothing but a ferocious monster.

Monster:
[in chair] Nahhhhhhh!

Doug Ptolemy:
[relieved] I thought it was a pair of pants all bent and rumpled. I can't stand wearing rumpled pants.

Valerie Prevort:
[leaving, snapping off the lights] Go to sleep.

Martin Kerr:
What's in this burger?

Barth Baggs:
No.1 prime, red-brand beef, freshly ground.

Martin Kerr:
FRESH BEEF! Oh, gross! Why don't you put cats in them like everyone else does?

Barth Baggs:
What?

Christine McGlade:
[into the camera] You know, when you do a TV show, you tend to develop a number of phobias, especially when you have to try and remember your lines, like I'm doing right now; because, sometimes, you'll forget some of the teapots. See, there you go. What I meant to say is sometimes you forget some of the "whips." No... No, okay, I meant to say "the words." Sometimes you'll forget the words and you leave out an important cabbage. Forget it. Let's just go on to the next cream pie.

[Kevin, Lisa's new boyfriend, is at dinner with her family when... ]

Lisa Ruddy:
Excuse me. I have to go powder my nose.

Doug Ptolemy:
You already spent an hour powdering your nose before HE came.

Valerie Prevort:
[to Doug] Uh, when a lady says she's going to powder her nose, that's really just a polite way of saying she has to go to the bathroom.

Doug Ptolemy:
Ohhh. You know, Kevin, Lisa still powders her nose in bed, too.

Lisa Ruddy:
Christine, you are NOT a grown-up.

Christine McGlade:
Well, I'm a little more grown up than you are.

Lisa Ruddy:
No, you're not.

Christine McGlade:
I am, too.

Lisa Ruddy:
You are NOT.

Christine McGlade:
I am, TOO.

Lisa Ruddy:
You are NOT.

Christine McGlade:
I am, TOO.

Lisa Ruddy:
You are NOT.

Christine McGlade:
I am, TOO.

Ross Ewich:
I'm afraid of failure.

Christine McGlade:
[laughs] Come on, Ross. Don't be ridiculous. You don't have to be afraid of becoming a failure.

Ross Ewich:
I don't?

Christine McGlade:
No. You're already a failure.

Zilch:
Oh, one day I wanna be just like Mr. Barth. I wanna be a great hamburger cook.

Lisa Ruddy:
Well, make up your mind. Do you wanna be a great hamburger cook or do you wanna be like Barf?

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, I heard that!

[Doug and Vanessa fight over a stuffed toy when Valerie enters]

Valerie Prevort:
Now, can't the two of you just settle this like adults?

Doug Ptolemy:
Okay.

Doug Ptolemy:
[to Vanessa] You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Mr. Schidtler:
[trying to snap a photo of the class] Come on, kids. Hold it. Just a minute. Would you please cooperate? Now I want you to sit still and then smile. 'Cause, you know, when you're grown up, you're gonna look at this class photo and you're going to say: "There's little Kevin - he's now a brain surgeon." "There's Lisa - she now trains whales." There's Christine - she's a..."

Doug Ptolemy:
[interrupting] "There's teacher! He's dead!"

Announcer:
You Can't Do That On Television has been a Frighteningly Adult Production.

Announcer:
Boy George Without Make-Up will not be shown at this time. In its place we present something even more frightening.

Christine McGlade:
[improvising a spell on Ross] Tongue of dog, wing of bat, toe of frog, tail of rat. Sure as kids like a video arcade, it's gonna rain on your parade.

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, Christine, are you really a witch?

Christine McGlade:
No, not really.

Lisa Ruddy:
No, but you do look pretty bad in the morning sometimes, though.

[Trick-or-treating at the door of an adult flower child nets the kids alfalfa sprouts, green noodles, wheat germ and kelp as treats]

Alasdair Gillis:
[looking down at his green noodles] What kind a treat is this?

Health Nut:
Well, it's all natural. Like, I'm not gonna give you candy and stuff to rot your teeth. This is GOOD for you. It builds fiber. It'll make ya regular. Bye.

Alasdair Gillis:
[stuck in detention] Do you believe that on Halloween night ghosts and demons roam the streets?

Principal:
Oh, ho-ho, no, of course not, Alasdair. That's just superstitious, childish nonsense.

Alasdair Gillis:
So, there are no ghosts or demons out there?

Principal:
No ghosts, no demons.

Alasdair Gillis:
So, if I go out there, I won't get haunted or chased or a bad curse put on me?

Principal:
You'll be quite safe.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, I believe you, sir. So, it's okay for me to go right out there?

Principal:
That's right. Absolutely. No harm will come to you. Come on. 'Way you go.

Alasdair Gillis:
Thank you, sir.

Principal:
That-a-boy.

Alasdair Gillis:
[leaving the room] Thank you very much. Trick-or-treating here I come.

Principal:
[slowly realizing he's been tricked] Um... Wait. D'uh...

Alasdair Gillis:
How about coming around to my house for Halloween?

Mike Cameron:
Oh, sure. You having a party?

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, no. You see, I just got kinda tired of carving a jack-o-lantern each year, so I decided that I could just stick you in the window with a candle in your mouth.

Doug Ptolemy:
Boy, are we ever getting nasty around here.

[the boys, dressed in identical business suits and ties, ring the doorbell of a house]

Doug Ptolemy, Mike Cameron, Alasdair Gillis:
[together, as the door opens] TRICK-OR-TREAT! TRICK-OR-TREAT!

Homeowner:
Ha-ha-ha, Happy Halloween. Wait a minute. This is Halloween. How come you guys aren't dressed up to SCARE people?

Doug Ptolemy:
We ARE dressed up to scare people. I'm Ted, and I'm an insurance salesman.

Homeowner:
What?

Mike Cameron:
Yeah, and I'm Larry, and I'm a politician.

Homeowner:
Oh, no.

Alasdair Gillis:
And I, sir, am Brit, and I'm a tax auditor.

Homeowner:
AHHHHHHHH!

[Horrified, the homeowner flees into the safety of his house, spilling all his candy in his haste, which the delighted boys scoop up]

Announcer:
[voiceover] You Can't Do That On Television has been a Ghastly Production.

Announcer:
[as camera switches to booth] It must have been a trick 'cause it certainly wasn't a treat.

[the kids excitedly check through their candy haul for Halloween when Lance enters, apparently having been out trick-or-treating himself]

Alasdair Gillis:
Hey, Dad, how d'YOU do? I mean, we really cleaned up, right guys?

Mike Cameron:
Yeah.

Doug Ptolemy:
Yeah.

Lance Prevort:
Hey, listen, kids. I did real good.

[Lance pulls out one six-pack after another from his bag]

Mike Cameron:
But, Dad?

Lance Prevort:
Uh-huh?

Mike Cameron:
You didn't get any CANDY. All you got is BEER.

Lance Prevort:
Well, you trick-or-treat YOUR way and I'll trick-or-treat MY way.

Nasti:
[entering sing-songy with a huge sack] It's Halloween! Here I come! Trick or treat!

Alasdair Gillis:
[shackled against the dungeon wall] You sure are greedy. That's the biggest bag I've ever seen in my life.

Nasti:
Oh, vell, it has to be.

Alasdair Gillis:
Do you really except that you're gonna get that much candy?

Nasti:
Oh, no-no-no, but three or four kids might fit in here very nicely.

Alasdair Gillis:
Well, I could do with the company anyway.

Nasti:
[tapping the shackled human skeleton nearby] You know, that's what Hodgkins used to say.

Doug Ptolemy:
Do you like Halloween, Blip?

Blip:
Halloween? No, no, it's the most frightening night of the year.

Doug Ptolemy:
Yeah, some of those costumes are pretty wild.

Blip:
No-no, not the costumes.

Doug Ptolemy:
Ohhhh, you mean all those ghosts and goblins that're around?

Blip:
No, not all those ghosts and goblins. I mean you kids out there trickin' and treatin' when you should be in here spending your money - that's what scares ME.

Lance Prevort:
Dougie, are you all ready? Have you got soap for soapin' windows?

Doug Ptolemy:
Yeah, I got soap, right there.

Lance Prevort:
All right, and, uh, chalk. You gotta chalk obscenities on the sidewalk?

Doug Ptolemy:
Yup.

Lance Prevort:
Ah, let's see. Eggs. Uh, you got eggs?

Doug Ptolemy:
Yeah, I got lots of eggs. Mom gave me some - very smelly.

Lance Prevort:
Really rotten eggs - that's perfect. Oh, and, uh, paint?

Doug Ptolemy:
Yeah, I got it right here.

Lance Prevort:
Ah, Dougie, I guess you are all ready. Away you go. Hm-hm.

Doug Ptolemy:
But, Dad, all I wanna do is get out there and collect some candy.

Lance Prevort:
Listen! What was good enough for me when I was a kid is good enough for you. Now, get out there and vandalize!

Alasdair Gillis:
[giddy] I just wish I could've seen old Barthy's face when he found all that garbage outside his front door.

Mike Cameron:
That was so funny.

[the kids go quiet as Barth comes near]

Barth Baggs:
Dyah, hello.

Alasdair Gillis, Mike Cameron, Doug Ptolemy, Lisa Ruddy:
[altogether and sing-songy, like in a classroom] Hi, Mr. Barfy.

Barth Baggs:
You know, it appears that, uh, last night, uh, d'yah bunch of kids thought it was dyah cute little idea to dump a whole bunch o' garbage on my front doorstep. Uh, dyah, just a Halloween prank. I suppose that you wouldn't know anything about that, then?

Alasdair Gillis, Mike Cameron, Doug Ptolemy, Lisa Ruddy:
[overlapping denials] No. Not me.

Barth Baggs:
Well, no-no, it, uh, doesn't matter. I was... I just wanted to, uh, thank them. Mm.

Alasdair Gillis:
Whadda you mean?

Barth Baggs:
Well, you see, I took all that garbage and I put it in the blender and...

Barth Baggs:
[sing-songy]... whadda ya think's in the burgers?

Snake-Eyes:
Hey, hey, you kids, I guess you thought it was purdy funny puttin' sugar in my gas tank on Halloween.

Alasdair Gillis, Christine McGlade:
[tittering] Who, us?

Snake-Eyes:
Well, revenge is sweet, ya know.

Lisa Ruddy:
[complacently] Whadda you mean?

Snake-Eyes:
I'm gonna take you to a place that's so scary you'll never pull a prank like that again.

Alasdair Gillis:
Oh, I know, guys. It's probably the swamp, but don't worry, Snake-Eyes, that's not gonna scare us a bit.

Snake-Eyes:
Wrong! It's scarier than that.

Christine McGlade:
I know. I-i-it's gotta be the cemetery at night.

Alasdair Gillis:
Right.

Christine McGlade:
I mean, it might be a little frightening, but I'm sure we can handle it.

Alasdair Gillis, Lisa Ruddy:
Ha-ha-ha.

Snake-Eyes:
Wrong, candy-breath.

Lisa Ruddy:
[now concerned] Where are you taking us, Snake-Eyes?

Snake-Eyes:
To the dentist's office. He'll have a field day with you kids with ya eatin' all that candy, ha-ha-ha.

Announcer:
Conan The Librarian will not be seen at this time in order that we may hero-worship the following program.

Announcer:
Today's show is brought to you by the letter 'Z'.

[the Zorro 'Z' is slashed upon the screen]

Announcer:
The letter 'S'.

[Superman's insignia floats over the Link Set]

Announcer:
And the number 261256.

[This prisoner number is shown hanging around Kevin's neck]

Mr. Schidtler:
I would ask you to look at this bust of Beethoven and tell me what is he famous for.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Oh, sir, I know!

Mr. Schidtler:
Yes, Kevin.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
He was a famous composer who had no arms and no legs.

Fair Maiden:
[tied to railroad tracks] Oh, help me! Oh, please, someone save me!

Mountie:
[in a forced butch voice] I'll save you, fair maiden.

Fair Maiden:
My hero? I've always loved the Boy Scouts.

Mountie:
[in his normal voice] What? Boy Scout? Now, come on! Do I look like a Boy Scout? I never been so insulted in all my life.

[walks off in a huff as a train is heard approaching]

Valerie Prevort:
Young man, you eat up all those vegetables so that you can grow up to be big and green just like your father.

Fair Maiden:
[tied to railroad tracks by a villain all in black] Help me! Oh, help... Oh!

Mountie:
[entering] What seems to be the problem here?

Fair Maiden:
Isn't it just a little bit obvious?

Mountie:
Ah, yeah!

Mountie:
[to villain] YOU don't know how to tie a reef knot.

Villain:
Oh.

Mountie:
Here let me show you how.

Villain:
Well, thank you very much. It's nice to know that the mounties are there when you need them.

Fair Maiden:
Oh...

Mountie:
Okay, you see, it's left over right and under, and then right...

Fair Maiden:
Oh...

Villain:
Wait a minute. You're too fast for me. RIght over left...?

Mountie:
And under.

[whistle of an approaching train sounds off]

Villain:
And under.

Mountie:
And then left over right, and under.

Villain:
No-no, I believe it's left under, right over. Isn't that right?

Fair Maiden:
It's right over left...

Villain:
Oh.

Fair Maiden:
...and then you go through the hole with that again and that's it.

Nasti:
Ve have finally penetrated your disguise.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Disguise?

Nasti:
Dhat's right. No sense in to fool us anymore. Ve know you're James Bond.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
James Bond?

Nasti:
Dhat's right. It took a little vile, but now we know you are James Bond, secret agent 007.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Don't be stupid. I'm not James Bond.

Nasti:
You're not?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
No! I'm Kevin Kubusheskie. You know, your prisoner.

Nasti:
Oh! Oh, vell, dhat... dhat's too bad. You see, I got an order here for the release of James Bond, but since you're not him, mm-hm, too bad. See ya around, heh-heh.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[as Nasti exits] Wait a minute! I am! I'm James Bond, Agent 007. You know. That's me!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[as Barth presents hot-dogs wearing little superhero capes] What are these?

Barth Baggs:
My newest invention. I call them "Wonder Dogs."

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, these are really cute. These are the most adorable things I've ever seen. Aren't they cute, Kevin? Oh, so cut and cuddly.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[sarcastically] Yeah, real cute.

Lisa Ruddy:
[playing with her food] goochi-goochi-goochi-goo.

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[biting off the head of his hotdog] And tasty, too.

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, Kevin, you sicko! Oh, you killed it! Well, I'm takin' mine home!

Lisa Ruddy:
[grabbing Kevin's dog] Poor thing!

Lisa Ruddy:
[exits] Sick-sick-sick!

Kevin Kubusheskie:
[to Barth] Can I have another one?

Barth Baggs:
[flabbergasted] She took a dead one.

[Kevin rests the weight of his head in his hand]

[Christine, dressed all in skin-tight black, enters through a bedroom window]

Superman:
[popping out from the closet] Ah-ha! So, you thought you could sneak in here silently - LAWLESS WONDER!

Christine McGlade:
Lawless Wonder?

Superman:
Mm-hm!

Christine McGlade:
I was at my dance class and I forgot my house keys. I live here.

Superman:
Oh...

Christine McGlade:
Wait a second! What're YOU doing in here? That's breaking and entering, you know. I'm gonna call the police.

Superman:
Oh, no! Please! Please! Miss, don't phone the police! You know... what they do to... guys... wearin'... tights.

Mr. Schidtler:
Does anyone here have any idea why inte... Einstein was regarded as such a great scientist? Kevin?

Kevin Kubusheskie:
Oh, uh, I don't know.

[He looks up, expecting the slime to fall down on him, which it doesn't]

Mr. Schidtler:
Christine?

Christine McGlade:
I don't know.

[She looks up, expecting the slime to fall down on her, which it doesn't]

Mr. Schidtler:
Lisa?

Lisa Ruddy:
[happily] Ah, yeah, sir, I know!

[Slime immediately pours down on top of Lisa]

Lisa Ruddy:
Oh, come... Oh, wait a second. Wait-wait-wait. This only is supposed to happen when people say "I don't know."

Christine McGlade:
Ah, but, Lisa, you forget, this is an Opposite Skit.

[Boy Scouts Kevin and Brodie sit on a porch drinking from a case of beer]

Kevin Kubusheskie, Brodie Osome:
[sloshed and singing] Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall. Ninety-nine... beer...