10 Items or Less

[first lines]

Leslie:
This is the Greens and Grains grocery store. It's been in my family for five generations. This is my father, Budd. He never thought I'd amount to anything, so I went to New York City to prove him wrong. He died before I could do so. And now I'm back in Ohio running the Greens and Grains grocery store. The crew here is really counting on me. I hope I don't screw this up...

Leslie:
We all have things that we would be embarrassed of being released on the Internet. Carl, remember the incident with the kumquats?

Carl:
Those weren't ripe.

Amy Anderson:
Can I please speak with you in private?

Leslie:
Yeah. Okay. We'll go up to my office.

Carl:
Leave the door open.

Leslie:
Okay Carl!

Amy Anderson:
I'm a woman who has sexual needs, forgive me!

Leslie:
We're all women with sexual needs. We know what you mean.

Leslie:
[about Amy] Look at her, she's a human being just like you.

Ingrid:
She's not. She's not a human being. She's nothing like me.

Leslie:
[to disappointed customer] Thanks for not shopping here. Please come again.

Amy Anderson:
People are basically not good, they're basically evil. You can't trust anyone.

Amy Anderson:
We in management have been working very hard in our private lunch room, hashing this out. Back and forth, back and forth. Amy's been telling me what to say.

Leslie:
[unhooded] It's you. Where am I?

Todd:
We're not telling you where you are, man. You're in a remote location.

Mrs. Mednick:
[walks in on them] Oh.

Richard:
Mother!

Mrs. Mednick:
Don't you kids want to sit upstairs?

Richard:
No! We're deprogramming Leslie, I told you we need privacy.

Mrs. Mednick:
Oh, you're de-pro... can I watch?

Richard:
No! Now go!

Leslie:
Richard lives with his mother! [busts out laughing]

Leslie:
[to Ingrid] I promise to you, like an embryo, you will be birthed into a world where bagging comes naturally. And I will personally rip your umbilical cord from you, and send you into the competition.

Ingrid:
[Leslie has benched her] Thanks for believing in me. Up to a point.

Officer Chet Kopecky:
May I have the rule book please, Amy Anderson.

Richard:
[interjecting] Page 23.

[last lines]

Don 'The Bag' Bagley:
You have an anger problem.

Amy Anderson:
Yeah, but you have a problem with bagging wet items.

Leslie:
My Shawnee Indian roots, guess what, are at odds with my capitalist grocer roots. Do you know what the Indians do when they kill a bison? Carl?

Carl:
Aw wow, I didn't know there was gonna be a test.

Leslie:
This is the butt of the store.

Richard:
[sitting in trash bin] I know that, Leslie.

Leslie:
This is where the waste comes out. And if you're going to get zero carbon footprint, this is where the rubber meets the road.

Leslie:
I have a birthmark on my butt that looks just like a tomahawk that I can show you.

[last lines]

Buck:
Leslie, we're outta bags. Do you know where the other ones are?

Amy Anderson:
Okay dude, my panties are in a bunch!

Gunman:
Get down on the ground!

Leslie:
I have the keys in my pocket, it'll hurt.

Leslie:
This is what your friend's gonna get a piece of! Aaargh, here I come, you're gonna die! Oh, oh, grody, it's a spider.

Leslie:
I want you to know, Ingrid, your a member of this family, and we will always, always love you.

Richard:
But not trust her.

Leslie:
No no, the trust is gone.

[last lines]

Leslie:
Ingrid, would you go get me some steaks from the freezer? Like just get me two big flank steaks. I want to stick them in my pants. Thank you...

[first lines]

Leslie:
Carl, you don't chug the Coffee Mate by itself.

Carl:
It doesn't say not to do it.

Leslie:
It doesn't say not to peel your skin off with a carrot peeler. Okay?

Leslie:
If you must know, I have a date.

Amy Anderson:
Oh, what's his name?

Leslie:
It's not a guy, it's a girl!

Richard:
You're a very weepy straight man.

Leslie:
You know, this couch is where my parents conceived me.

Ingrid:
Oh. Maybe we should go back to the hotel.

Leslie:
Listen, you've got a hot body. You've got good strong thighs.

Todd:
Okay, that's too much, man.

Leslie:
You've gotta use that power. That is a God-given talent you have for gettin' tail. It's yours! And you own it. You've gotta use that for good!

Amy Anderson:
Alright. Maybe I'll give you that one this time, alright? , gentlemen. Watch your butts.

Leslie:
We'll all be watching each other's butts.

Amy Anderson:
What's her name Ingrid?

Leslie:
She knows her name.

Ingrid:
Yeah, Betty, Betty Ross.

Leslie:
It's Betsy Ross. You put an 'S' in there. Betsy.

Ingrid:
Isn't that what I said?

Amy Anderson:
You don't even know what she did.

Leslie:
Tell her.

Ingrid:
She got divorced.

Leslie:
What I'm about to tell you is going to freak you out.

Leslie:
Wait, did somebody call from Manny's school?

Leslie:
No, it's bigger. Bigger.

Yolanda:
Is my mom back it town?

[last lines]

Leslie:
What's more American than jail, hmm? Who wants hot dogs? Look what I made for ya. It's an American meal everybody. Alright. The microwave was down so they're not cooked. But it's okay, there's nothing in here that'll harm ya.

Leslie:
[whining and groveling] Please, don't take her. I beg you. Please Dale, don't take the hot chic from our store. Good looking guys have been taking stuff from me my whole life. Just like Brian McGuire took Susan Bolan away. I was just about to stick my hand in her training bra, and in walks Brian. All handsome and jock-like, and takes her off. Handsome guys get everything. I mean, you get the best jobs, the best cars, and the best people. You get waiting on first, you get bumped to first class. Oh you don't have enough miles? That's okay, we'll put you in "business". All you gotta do is watch E! Entertainment. There's all the good looking people frolicking around and having a great time.

Leslie:
[at computer] Alright, let's go up into quadrant B there. I'd like to put a gamma vector at 45 degrees to bring it right down behind that text box.

Ingrid:
You've never used Photoshop before, have you?

Leslie:
The First Amendment says very clearly, you can rip anything off as long as you change it slightly.

Leslie:
[upset] Those epaulets were rented!

Leslie:
My name is Leslie Pool, and I am the manager, owner, and captain of the Starship G & G.

[last lines]

Leslie:
Captain's log, stardate 1-5-7-2-5-4-3. We are the crew of the Greens and Grains, Barship Benterprise. Today we bleemed down to the planet. We discovered a unique alien, Jolene Blalock, who showed us something very very important. Don't - mess - with - Paramount Pictures - ever. They will crush you like a bug. You can't hide in a nebula from them. There's only three corporations that control the entire galaxy, and they're one of them. But there is a bastion of freedom. It rhymes with squawk. It is Trok. Star Trok. Live long... properly. Ingrid, go to condition red. Hot people in back, look handsome. Worg, check the weapons system. Fire torpon fopedos. Carl, all hands on deck. Space pals, push some buttons. Number Two, prepare for warp speed. Warp speed, 10 - engage!

[first lines]

Todd:
I'm not really a business man, uh, but I've got a proposition, that you, Leslie, cannot pass up.

Todd:
You know what I'm sayin' man. The mouths of the people need fresh meat.

Leslie:
I love it, but it's a seed of an idea. What do you need to make a seed sprout?

Todd:
Water.

Leslie:
No. Manure. Somebody needs to number two all over your idea.

Leslie:
What does the United States Department of Agriculture have to do with killin' a cow.I mean that's government gettin' involved where they shouldn't.

The Milkman:
[menacingly] You do what you gotta do. And I, I'm gonna do what I do...

Leslie:
You stick your tongue down when you do mouth-to-mouth?

Carl:
I fell asleep in the training videos.

Richard:
You're supposed to cleanse when someone passes away.

Leslie:
This is familiar to me. I feel comfortable. That's why I'm wearing dad's pajamas.

Richard:
You're wearing his pajamas?

Leslie:
And uh, you probably don't want me to use his toothbrush, either.

Leslie:
[testing body mic] Olive Oil this is Popeye. Olive Oil this is Popeye. I am in position, and I'm looking for the Red Hen. Looking for Bluto. Bluto is in sight. Operation spinach is under way...

Amy Anderson:
Thou shalt not take Jesus' stain in frame!

Carl:
I may be crazy, but I'm real.

Leslie:
The two of you are fantastic business ladies, and I would like to hire you to run aisle three, which is my cookie aisle.

Girl Scout #1, Girl Scout #2:
No.

Leslie:
If the three of us partner together and triangulate, we could sell - you name it. We start with cookies, and we'll move on fro there. What do you say?

Girl Scout #1, Girl Scout #2:
No.

Leslie:
Meade before grog, never sicker. Grog before meade, you're in the clear.

Don 'The Bag' Bagley:
I am not a loser, I'm a winner.

Charles Kliphouse:
Don, you are a grown man sitting in a shopping cart.

Carl:
I checked the wheels. Righty tighty, lefty loose... wait.

[last lines]

Leslie:
Alright, the losers are back. [all cheering]

Charles Kliphouse:
Actors are stupid people who need a line. I'm a host.

Yolanda:
[to Leslie] I'm gonna have to drop you as my client.

[first lines]

Leslie:
[over intercom] Attention, attention, this is Leslie Poole, manager and owner of the Greens and Grains. Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my father, Bud Poole.

Carl:
[trying to talk over loud accordion] To celebrate your beauty.

Yolanda:
To celebrate my booty?

[first lines]

Leslie:
[over intercom] Attention, attention, this is Leslie Pool, manager and owner of the Greens and Grains. Today is the one year anniversary of the death of my father, Bud Poole.

Todd:
[about Carl] He's a manager in training?

Leslie:
Yeah, after I get killed, Ingrid gets killed, and then Richard, Carl would then be in charge. This would be like - it would have to be like, ya know, a terrorist situation or something.

Richard:
I sold the turkey.

Leslie:
Why?

Richard:
Because we're a grocery store. That's what we're supposed to do.

Leslie:
I'm bowling with the turkey!

Richard:
Real men bowl with balls.

Leslie:
You don't have a sister, do ya?

Carl:
She can't, she's in a home.

Leslie:
Ma'am, hi, I'm sorry, you're parked in the handicapped spot.

Woman:
It'll be fine, it's just 5 minutes.

Leslie:
You have to be 5 minutes, and not have an arms.

Leslie:
Let me ask you something, okay? I want to know what it is you don't find attractive about me. And listen, don't hold your tongue, don't hold anything back. We're friends.

Yolanda:
You're not going to hold it against me?

Leslie:
No. I need to learn from what's going on. Do you mind if I write it down?

Yolanda:
Go ahead.

Leslie:
Okay good. Alright, here we go.

Yolanda:
Alright, uh, the nose is kinda bulbous.

Leslie:
Wow. Okay, that's informative.

Yolanda:
The eyes are the kind of sunken-in and they're kinda droopy. And you got those lips, one's smaller than the other, the top one looks really skinny, and the bottom one looks kinda bloated.

Leslie:
Okay, thank you...

Yolanda:
You're short too, for a man.

Leslie:
I'm 5'11".

Yolanda:
Well, you know, I like bigger men.

Leslie:
This isn't about you, this is about me!

Yolanda:
You're asking me what I find attractive and what I don't find attractive. Oh, we haven't even gotten to your backside.

Leslie:
You know... what? My butt? I have a nice butt.

Yolanda:
If you like pancakes for breakfast.

Carl:
You know, my mom gave me one piece of advice. She said, just cuz it feels good doesn't mean you shouldn't lock the bathroom door and turn on the fan.

Todd:
What?

Him:
The director is so young he hasn't even been born yet.

Him:
Hey, Big D. How you like the ride?

Big D:
[tips his coffee cup towards Morgan Freeman]

Him:
Race you to the next light!

Him:
??ndale! ??ndale!

Big D:
[tips his coffee cup towards Morgan Freeman again - as they speed away]

Rhea Pearlman:
I'm calling his wife.

Big D:
No you're not!

Him:
Am I bothering you standing here?

Scarlet:
You are... three feet from my face.

Male Receptionist:
You made me want to be a woman.

Him:
I have that effect on people.

[last lines]

Him:
We'll never see each other again.

Scarlet:
Never.

[first lines]

Him:
Sorry, what was your name again?

Packy:
Packy.

Him:
Packy?

Packy:
Yeah.

Him:
Are we lost, Packy?

Him:
[singing] So please sit down /

Scarlet:
[repeating, also singing] So please sit down /

Him:
[singing] How do you do? /

Scarlet:
[repeating, also singing] How do you do? /

Him:
[singing] This job's for me /

Scarlet:
[repeating, also singing] This job's for me /

Him:
[singing] The rest is pooh /

Scarlet:
[repeating, also singing] The rest is pooh /