Batman: The Movie

[first lines]

Narrator:
This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientific invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an urgent but anonymous call for help; the invention *and* its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht! Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly into The Batcave, and then, as they have done many times before, as *Batman and Robin*, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue!

Commissioner Gordon:
Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate!

Batman:
We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over...

Chief O'Hara:
Take over *what*, Batman? Gotham City?

Batman:
Any *two* of them would try that!

Commissioner Gordon:
The whole country?

Batman:
If it were three of them, I would say yes, but *four*? Their minimum objective must be... the *entire* world.

The Riddler:
I see the way to do it! We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here!

The Penguin:
How?

The Riddler:
How? The end! The end, oh...

[giggles]

The Riddler:
We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus!

[giggles again]

The Riddler:
The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You! Catwoman!

Miss Kitka:
My name is Kitayna Ireyna Tatanya Kerenska Alisoff. I work for the Moscow Bugle.

The Penguin:
Careful, careful, every one of them's got a mother.

The Catwoman:
You and your submarine! Look where it's got us now!

The Penguin:
Shut up, you feline floozy!

Vice Admiral Fangschliester:
[on the phone] Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we?

Batman:
[reproachfully] Disposing a pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses... Good day, Admiral!

Vice Admiral Fangschliester:
[they hang up] Gosh!

Commissioner Gordon:
It could be any one of them... But which one? Which ones?

Batman:
Pretty *fishy* what happened to me on that ladder...

Commissioner Gordon:
You mean where there's a fish there could be a Penguin?

Robin:
But wait! It happened at sea... Sea. C for Catwoman!

Batman:
Yet, an exploding shark *was* pulling my leg...

Commissioner Gordon:
The Joker!

Chief O'Hara:
All adds up to a sinister riddle... Riddle-R. Riddler!

Commissioner Gordon:
A thought strikes me... So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance...

Batman:
The four of them... Their forces combined...

Robin:
Holy nightmare!

Batman:
The Riddler is loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

Commissioner Gordon:
A fine job, Batman. You allayed their fears magnificently.

Batman:
What else could I have done, Commissioner? If I told the truth, panic will grip the city.

Chief O'Hara:
The truth. Sure, and what is the truth?

Batman:
A decoy. A strange anonymous warning that Commodore Schmidlapp is in danger, to lure me into a trap.

Commissioner Gordon:
A fiendish attempt on Batman's life.

Chief O'Hara:
You mean, when they were luring you to a watery grave, the commodore's yacht has been hijacked in some places?

Batman:
Precisely.

Commissioner Gordon:
And who behind it? Not a clue.

Batman:
Tell me, Commissioner: What known supercriminals are at large just now?

Commissioner Gordon:
I'll check at once, Batman. Bonnie, let's have the latest status report on supercriminals still at large.

Bonnie:
Yes, Commissioner.

Commissioner Gordon:
Thank you, Bonnie. Coming up, Batman, on the closed-circuit TV screen. Come over here.

[the quartet move to the closed-circuit TV screen on the wall]

Closed Circuit TV Screen:
Status report. Known supercriminals not currently imprisoned.

Batman:
The Penguin.

Commissioner Gordon:
That pompous, waddling master of foul play, maestro a million criminal umbrellas.

Robin:
The Joker.

Chief O'Hara:
Devilish clown prince of crime! Oh, if I only had a nickel for every time he's baffled us!

Commissioner Gordon:
What, the Riddler loose too?

Batman:
So it seems. Loose to plague us with his criminal conundrums.

Robin:
Gosh! And the Catwoman!

Closed Circuit TV Screen:
End of status report.

The Penguin:
Ahoy there! Could you chaps direct me to a policeman? Commodore Schmidlapp's the name. Big Ben Distilleries, you know.

[Batman and Robin look at each other]

Robin:
Holy costumed party! That's the Penguin!

Batman:
Obviously.

Robin:
I wonder what his game is.

[Batman turns back to the Penguin]

Batman:
What's your game, Penguin?

Robin:
It looks bad, Batman. This brassy bird has us buffaloed.

Batman:
They may be drinkers, Robin, but they're still human beings.

Batman:
Confound it, the batteries are dead!

Batman:
Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb.

Robin:
When you think, Batman, with those four supercrooks hangin' around, it's amazing somebody hasn't already reported this place to the police!

Batman:
It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.

Robin:
Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes!

Robin:
Gosh, drinking's sure a filthy thing isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.

Batman:
Uh-uh.

Picnicking Man:
[looking up at the Batcopter in the sky] Ah, gives a feller a good feeling knowing they're up there doing their job.

Commissioner Gordon:
Great day in the morning!

Batman:
Who knows, Robin? This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity! Let's go, but, inconspicuously, through the window. We'll use our Batropes. Our job is finished.

Robin:
Holy horseshoe!

Robin:
Holy polaris!

The Riddler:
Question: Who's going to make the feathers fly and knock Batman and Robin out of the sky?

The Joker:
Have you heard this one? It'll *kill* you, Batman!

[laughs evilly]

The Catwoman:
[meows] You're going to see the purr-fect crime, when I get Batman in my claws!

[hisses]

Batman:
Bon Voyage, P*ssy.

Robin:
[sees a shark attached to Batman's leg] Holy sardine!

Batman:
Hand down the shark-repellent Batspray!

Robin:
Holy jumble! Where's the hope of the world now?

The Joker:
A joke a day, keeps the gloom away!

[Batman and Robin are running to the United World Building]

Robin:
Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman!

Batman:
Let's hope that it's a stitch in time, Robin, that saves nine - The nine members of the United World Security Council. Come on.

Robin:
[pointing toward the sky] That crazy missile! It wrote two more riddles before it blew up!

Batman:
[reading a skywritten message] "What goes up white and comes down yellow and white?"

Robin:
An egg!

Batman:
[reading another skywritten message] "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"

Robin:
Make applesauce!

Batman:
[thinking out loud] Apples into applesauce - A unification into one smooth mixture. An egg - nature's perfect container. The container of all our hopes for the future.

Robin:
A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!

Batman:
Precisely, Robin! And there's a special meeting of the Security Council today. If what I fear is true...

Robin:
Wow! Let's commandeer a taxi!

Batman:
No, Robin. Not at this time of day. Luckily, we're in tip-top condition. It'll be faster if we run. Let's go!

The Catwoman:
[on how much the four villains fight] We're about as united as the United World Organization.

Robin:
[seeing the villains fly off on the Penguin's jet pack umbrellas] Holy Halloween!

The Penguin:
Waugh waugh!

The Joker:
[mocking] Waugh waugh!

The Riddler:
[bell rings] Commodore Schmidlapp ringing for his tea again.

Vice Admiral Fangschliester:
...to some chap named P.N. Guin.

Batman:
P.N. Guin...

Robin:
Penguin!

Batman:
[reads the first riddle] What has yellow skin and writes?

Robin:
A ball-point banana!

Batman:
[reads the second riddle] What people are always in a hurry?

Robin:
Rushing people... Russians!

Batman:
So this means...

Robin:
Someone Russian is going to slip on a banana and break their neck!

Batman:
Precisely, Robin!

Batman:
Look at this pair of joking riddles.

Chief O'Hara:
[reads] What does a turkey do when he flies upside down?

Robin:
He gobbles up!

Chief O'Hara:
Of course.

Batman:
And, number two...

Commissioner Gordon:
[reads] What weighs six ounces, sits in a tree and is very dangerous?

Robin:
A sparrow with a machine gun!

Commissioner Gordon:
Yes, of course.

The Riddler:
You and your trained, exploding shark!

The Penguin:
How was I to know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy?

The Joker:
Suppose Penguin did fail! All the more reason not to send up your stupid clues!

The Riddler:
Oh, but I must, I must! Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my heaven on earth, my very paradise!

Robin:
Are you sure you didn't hurt your head in that fight, Batman?

Batman:
I'm sure. Here, swallow this pill.

Robin:
Thanks.

Batman:
To the Batmobile! This could be the break we've been looking for!

The Riddler:
This bird has flown around the bend.

The Joker:
Too cuckoo to land!

The Catwoman:
Riddler! Joker! Do something! We weren't meant for a watery grave, *do something*!

The Joker:
Now hear this! Now hear this! Blow all tanks! Surface! Surface!

The Catwoman:
Riddler, you fool! Penguin must have finished them by now!

The Riddler:
Why, that stupid waddling mountebank of a bird? He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn!

The Penguin:
Now hear this, now hear this. This is your Captain speaking. My fine pinioned pirates, we're approaching the tricky buoy! Sharpen your cutlasses! There may be skullduggery ahead!

Robin:
Holy heart failure, Batman!

The Catwoman:
[to Batman, posing as Kitka] If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?

Commissioner Gordon:
Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?

Chief O'Hara:
The woman must be mad!

Batman:
Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.

The Catwoman:
Impossible?

Batman:
Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.

Commissioner Gordon:
Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.

Chief O'Hara:
Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.

Robin:
In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.

The Catwoman:
But your so curious costumes...

Robin:
Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.

The Catwoman:
You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?

Commissioner Gordon:
Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.

Robin:
Support your police! That's our message!

Batman:
Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.

The Penguin:
There are two eggs this wily bird is going to scramble: Batman and Robin! Wah wah wah!

Robin:
Holy Long John Silver!

Robin:
Holy bikini!

The Riddler:
[referring to Batman and Robin, of the Penguin] They've already been through one of his fishy explosions, and yet they're still very much alive!

Robin:
Holy Houdini!

Alfred:
Bless my dustpan!

Miss Kitka:
[to Bruce Wayne] I'll slip into something more comfortable while your cocoa warms up.

[Penguin's submarine has been fired upon by Batman and Robin]

The Catwoman:
Penguin, you know I can't take water!

The Penguin:
You cowardly kitten! You want to live forever?

Joker:
Friends make peace! Have a shake on it!