Better Living Through Chemistry

Doug Varney:
Most girls don't always go for honest and sweet.

Elizabeth Roberts:
Girls don't, but women do.

Doug Varney:
What was that?

Elizabeth Roberts:
You mean reverse cowgirl?

Doug Varney:
Yeah, that was amazing! I've never seen that before.

Elizabeth Roberts:
Yeah, you don't watch a lot of porn, do you, Doug?

Walter Bishop:
What the f*** is a ninja?

Officer Willits:
It's an ancient Japanese warrior cloaked in black, often with mystical powers.

Doug Varney:
Sounds pretty serious, Walt.

Walter Bishop:
Wait a minute! Why would an ancient Japanese warrior destroy a f***ing pharmacy sign in f***ing Woodbury?

[first lines]

Jane Fonda:
[narrating] Ya can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone.

Doug Varney:
I really shouldn't be saying anything, because you look like you're going to be very good for business, but the pills in those orange bottles aren't always the solution to people's problems, ya know?

Elizabeth Roberts:
Well, when you find that solution you let me know what it is, all right?

Doug Varney:
This will be hard on Ethan, and that breaks my heart. But in the long run, it's better to be raised by two happy parents apart, than miserable ones together.

Doug Varney:
He forgot the first rule of the drug game. Don't get high on your own supply.

Walter Bishop:
[seeing his old store remodeled] You know, it's funny, I don't hate it nearly as much as I thought I would.

Doug Varney:
That's funny, I don't really give a sh*t.

Doug Varney:
Ma'am, are you finding everything all right?

Jane Fonda:
Yes. Yes I am. And may I say, this pharmacy has the most impressive collection of douches I have ever seen.

Doug Varney:
Well, thank you.

[last lines]

Jane Fonda:
[narrating] You can't help everyone, but everyone can help someone. And sometimes that someone is yourself. Doug Varney wasn't used to winning, but he was beginning to enjoy how it felt.

Janet:
Consult!

Kara Varney:
Are you trying to say that my son is some kind of uni-shitter?

Elizabeth Roberts:
Swallow something the size of a breadcrumb, and farewell to depression, anxiety, insomnia - mmm - it's incredible. You'll be swept away into an artificial bliss, made more assertive, docile, erect... You never get high on your own supply?

Doug Varney:
That's illegal.

Elizabeth Roberts:
'Course it is. It must be hard working in a candy shop all day long, knowing that any of your problems could be solved by one of your little apothecaries?